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anonil88 · 4 years ago

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Malcolm and Marie live blog

I don't usually do liveblogs for movies but yea.

Spoilers ahead!!

I love that its modern timed but very 70s stylized.

A tune indeed.

When you are high and drunk on success and

How the white critic reacts is why I feel like gatekeeping my scripts. At the same time some things I do make are about race or involve.

Marie sitting on the patio smoking is a mood whenever men are talking.

So he's pretentious and unaware.

Whoever chose the music for this, I feel like we would be Spotify mutuals.

Can this nigga stop pacing.

Also can he stop talking;

Marie is so tired and unimpressed.

Also little booties matter and are to be bitten.

Oooo the tension and the jazz.

Title Card over mac and cheese.

Shitty boxes mac and cheese but still mac and cheese.

Tbh i always wonder if spouses/significant others get upset when their spouses don't acknowledge them during speeches.

John sounds so much like his dad but I really hope his acting style differs from his dad a lot.

Guilty confession?

He did not profit off of his partners backstory and then not even acknowledge her.....I.....

If that ever happened to me catch me cussing my partner out during the beginning credits, the end credits, in the car, and at home.

GASLIGHTER!

The way I'm excited for Zendaya to give me some, oooo can she work with Regina King. Please on my knees I pray.

Um no that's not your job to coddle your lead.

He's a dick and the type of dick who makes himself look like a good person around other people.

If Sam Levinson is trying to make his viewers more of misandrist, it's working.

I feel like Marie has her flaws probably a lot of them and we will surely see as this continues, but Malcolm needs to learn how to apologize sincerely.

70s vibes! 70s vibes!

Them kissing and talking about criticism and dreams makes me miss a partner. A partner that I've had and haven't had.

Women really are behind every great man.

Yea sir you fucked a happy moment.

Oh visual allegories for looking in from the outside and cat and mouse chasing and looking from the outside in.

She's saying she doesn't feel noticed by you.

Gas lighter :0 he called her an emotional support dog, bruh.

I would LOVE to co-write or take a writing class held by Sam Levinson. The fights i write are very much in this same realm of reflection and anger and monologue.

Sam.....sam.....are all the sides inside of you doing okay sir?

The ugly side of dating and being in a relationship with someone who struggles with their own demons.

Honestly I could close my eyes and listen to this script being read without seeing these characters visually. Just close my eyes and get a sense of these characters like it was a radio story.

Oh. Oh this is a new wheelhouse of Zendaya acting; a different voice is like breaking through here and her expressions aren't the same we are used to. You can literally hear another character in there....hmm.

Mans is outside really fighting with his invisible demons lmfao.

Selfish ass, how after everything she said you came out of it thinking about your own craft and self instead of how you hurt her.

So she's conditional.

Me: did sam (a white man) say nigga this many times in his script or are the actors adding their own inflections. Not just the lingo used but the topic of race and directing etc. being written by a white writer about black characters is always gonna be a critique when you're writer is a white person.

Alexa play Broken Girls by Saba

He is so hurtful.

A clown nigga a clown look in the fucking mirror you bozo head ass looking like you need some Mehron clown white and a size 16 in clown shoes.

John is doing a really swell performance and reading of these lines.

He is reading her for her insecurities by bringing up his experiences with other women and that.....is yikes.

Arguments can get messy like this in real life but it takes a lot of maturity and control to either not let it get to this point or have a healthy conversation afterwards.

This film is really shot on some very crisp lenses.

They sitting there like 🚬🧍‍♀️🧍‍♂️.

Leftover Mac and Cheese and unfinished cigarettes.

The nyt etc. pay walls are so annoying, but there is a work around look at the articles on incognito or add a period at the end of the url.

He sounds like his daddy so much here, weird, this is the only part I'm eh on the dialogue it feels real but a bit out of pace in how they are bouncing off one another.

Nail scissors? So the end is not the only part he based off of Marie. 🙄

ITS A GOOD REVIEW YOU DINGUS but also its a full review they are going to critique things. She isn't wrong though he did profit off of a woman's story that was not his own to profit from.

Yes Malcolm because unfortunately all marginalized people look through a lens of life that is inherently political because of the world they live in.

He is so mad and upset and had a lot on his chest. But I think he Malcolm and Sam are talking about something thats an issue and a non issue. Being critiqued for you art is hard but also Malcolm is not super self aware. He's like a stand in figure of for example rich depop sellers who wanna be oppressed so badly they yell at others instead of examining their own personal behaviors and ethics.

Oh Marie, when you know the spark is gone and you pick fights because.

He ain't even ask her to read?

One critic I have for most of hollywood actors is they learn their cry and that is it. A change from this is Margot Robbie, I adore her fluctuations of crying being similar but the crying is carried differently for each character. If I had to say any actor that does a cry scene amazing its this woman right here (Amy Adams)

You stole her story from her and gave it away, she has a right to be upset and angry and a rubber band ball of emotions.

Citizen Kane, not the cinematography, but the story is it even that good? (Unpopular opinion but meh, maybe in my rewatch it will be better.)

But that is what people want authenticity and whatever authenticity means to them. What is real for one is false for another.

To be honest look at the criticism of Euphoria, well earned, but a lot of people were like this isn't real even though he literally wrote about his own life. People said it was inauthentic like....wtf.

Ahh the smoking is just a habit, he quit and she didn't.

CAST ZENDAYA IN A HORROR MOVIE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING. Get Lupita and Zendaya and some more black actors preferably less known ones in a horror movie. One with a interesting script and story, directed by Regina King. Please and thankyou.

I love Marie yep that was amazing.

Behind every great man is a greater woman, one that deserves her credit for how she has stood behind. I wonder the stories of those women, what they have sacrificed or not sacrificed. Their thoughts and feelings when the world is surrounding their partner and views them as a plus one. (I'd write a short script about this but I think do I have the time, can I, or am I equipped ?)

He is a shitty person for bringing up his exes, like she even said I don't wanna know any of that.

Imagine being on anti depressents and rarely having a sex drive and then when you do your partner starts talking about their exes and tearing you apart for all your faults.

I love when you see peaks of Zendaya's cadence in roles.

Tension, what if's and he didn't even bring her up in his speech.

Marie to herself and the audience:

He is not afraid that he will loose her but as my character says in my unreleased story, "i can't wait til you give me a fucking reason to leave your ass." Malcolm expects everything in order for not even doing the bare minimum and she is only asking him for something as simple as consideration. She just wants him to be considerate. He wants to get married and considers their relationship like rolling down a hill at full speed and he cannot apologize, he cannot be considerate, and he cannot admit his wrongs. He can only offer her I love yous that he probably does mean but he does not back up outside of what he's done for her in the past. The past which was more of her experience than his and he sees his part in it as a burden. He doesn't use his own vantage point of the past to further his career he uses her. He does all of these things without a real apology or thankyou because he is not afraid to loose her.

The restrictions of quarantine and the panorama have made Sam's writing very no frills. I wonder how other films from other directors and writers that are filmed in small contained crews like this will be structured. But this was a very good movie gonna add to my letter box 3.3-3.5

Oh shit this is my song,

Ratings/overall thoughts:

Script is like a C+, B- : I could go into my heavier big brain thoughts on the script but I don't feel like it. You catch hints of it above it centers conversation on race and privilege, mainly the writers and questions i have that won't be answered but Sam did make me grow disdain for Malcolm over a short time. Which is sometimes hard to do because im one sympathetic person but the sympathy i have for Malcolm is at 0. Maybe a 2 at some scenes but then it quickly goes back to 0. Some parts of the dialogue miss the mark or hit the are off balanced. While some of it like Malcolm's bathroom speech albeit mean is really strong or their conversation when he comes back from peeing really shines for me.

Performances: B+ to A- because they carried the script further than it could of gone with less talented actors. The monologues do well to showcase their current skill levels which are already high af and leave room for anticipation in where these actors go next.

Zendaya holding a knife: A+ with a gold star. That switch on and off and on is delectable.

John being a shitty boyfriend but following Marie like a lost puppy: B+ with a good job written at the bottom of the paper, Malcolm being nervous a frantic dialed up with more realistic nervousness would have sold me completely on Malcolm's anxious waiting.

Cinematography: A and a participation award.

The mac and cheese: A+ for the easy mac. Wish it was like Annie's or Velveeta.

Cigarettes: Participation award and their picture hung up for student of the month. Why the grill lighter? Everytime Malcolm opened up his mouth Marie was like sparks fly.

The music: A++ with a prize. Whoever picked the music probably makes good Spotify playlists.

#Malcolm & Marie #malcolm and marie #zendaya coleman #zendaya #john david washington #liveblog #mine

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demenior · 4 years ago

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Dem’s Big Post About The Spn Fics Part 1/2

aka The Wrap Up to celebrate To Exist Again and To Become a Man now being finished!

(This will be a long post. This is your only warning.)

Admittedly this is a bit of a weird thing to be doing, but I wanted to try it out for 3 reasons:

I love talking about my own work and

It functions really well as a self-reflective tool for me to improve on, and

I can answer some big questions people might have because there was a LOT of worldbuilding in these stories.

We’ll start off with reflective stuff, and move into the juicier world-building focused stuff later into the post. There will be major spoilers for both fics to come!

To begin with a funny anecdote, Why Did I Write These Stories?

I was beginning to write and work out the story that I wanted to write for Spn (what will now be To Destroy a Man. As I was writing the scene, I realized I had a LOT of ideas and while I was trying to avoid as much exposition as I could, it became quickly apparent that I was needing to create my own au (this scene eventually became chapter 34 of To Become a Man). A short prequel seemed like a good idea, to quickly hash out the ‘prior’ events that I needed to go through so all the readers could be on the same page. While plotting out prequel points, I realized Sam and Dean were going to have drastically different experiences during the same time period, and I was trying to figure out who’s pov would be better for which scenes, and how to keep momentum when they’re going through such radically different types of changes. Ultimately I decided to split their povs, which I also thought would be a fun project! And I naively assumed each pov would take about 2 chapters each, rounding out to maybe 15k total.

I had my ending points: Dean n Cas soul-merged and (basically) married, Cas on the lam from heaven and a complete anomaly, and Sam juiced up full of powers and a weird mix of archangel and antichrist but still 100% human and ready to fight God.

Now I needed to add weight to these changes, so I wrote 200k of build-up.

Am I proud of these fics?

OF COURSE I AM!!! These are the longest fics I’ve ever written AND finished AND in the fastest freakin turnaround ever (both were finished writing, barring edits, in like 6 months holy shit)

I didn’t write a single scene that I “didn’t” want to write. If I had trouble writing it, as in it was fighting me, I scrapped it. Most obviously was the scene in Dean’s pov where he and Sam were intended to meet some other hunters and Dean declines working with them because he’s nervous about being outed as queer. It was meant to be a good scene! I wanted to introduce some new characters! But it just wasn’t working so I said ‘thank you, next!’.

But it means this story was an absolute joy to write. Because for a while all I was doing was ‘if I wanted to write one scene into supernatural, what would I write?’ and then just DID that!! It’s why there’s a lot of ‘Salmondean do dumb shit or have really dumb heartfelt conversations’ scenes.

Would I change anything?

If I’d been less eager to start sharing, I might have planned out the story beats a little tighter so there were less ‘soft’ chapters and a draw/pull for people to come back and keep reading. I felt Dean’s story specifically lagged at points and could have used some tighter editing (there was a noticeable lull in directed movement between Dean n Cas getting together, until Sam corrupts Amy).

I also probably would have held Sam’s story until I’d finished Dean’s so I could make the two line up better! Probably could have inserted more scenes into Sam’s fic that way, and made sure things were a little more consistent. In an ideal world one concept I had was to release 1 chapter from each pov every week that would correspond to the same time frame so we’d be getting real-time SalmonDean pov narrative. Unfortunately that didn’t work!

The biggest takeaway overall is for me to focus more on what moves the plot, and to make my scenes do more than 1 thing so I can cut down on wordcount and increase my efficiency.

Of course every writer will find things they want to fix in anything they’ve ever written, so these are minor “mistakes” at best. I’m so dang proud of these fics.

Onto more interesting things!

How Did I Put These Fics Together (because it’s different than anything I’ve ever done before)

Normally when I write a story, I plan out the beats I need to hit, see where I need to insert any kind of foreshadowing/buildup, and then write from A to B to C and so on and so forth. Hence, this is why I can normally post things as I complete chapters, because it’s all a linear progression.

For these two stories, rather than linear plot/a normal story structure, I just sat and free-wrote any and every scene that came to mind and then pieced them into a kinda-linear form like putting a quilt together. You’ll note that this is why there’s not a lot of internal callback or a feeling of sense of time flowing within the fic (save for points where I went back and specifically edited it in). How long does the story take place over? Hard to say! Your author has the barest grasp on linear time even on a good day (how many times did I say ‘see you on [wrong day]’ at the end of chapters lmaaoooo)

This also meant EXTENSIVE editing on the back end once I decided in what order I wanted my ‘quilt pieces’ to be. Hard to say if this is a bonus or a negative!

But I did want to try and capture the vibe of the lives they lead, as a bit of a ‘slice of life’-style story, when the slice of life is the profound weirdness of the Winchester roaming life, and how things are status quo- until everyone almost dies oh shit!! And then they have to keep living because no therapy we die/undie like Winchesters. Do I think I captured this effectively? Hmm. Good question.

Dem where the FUCK did the inspiration for a lot of the magic and creature weirdness even come from?

Honestly? Music, primarily. And completely mishearing lyrics!

Nightwish ‘Ever Dream’: the line is ‘my song can but borrow you grace’ and because my brain is scrambled eggs on a good day, I heard ‘grace’ ‘song’ and ‘borrow’ in that order and have had, for YEARS, the mental image of Cas borrowing Dean’s soul to power himself up for battle.

From there I’ve always been enamored with the ‘wavelength of celestial intent’ descriptor that Cas drops in s6 for “what he is”.

I also really like ocean metaphors mostly because I’ve been obsessed with the ocean and things in it since I was like… 5??? So really this was me just rolling with what I know lmao. I love using (somewhat) accurate scientific metaphors for very intangible things!

I was also finishing my degree in biology/ecology while writing these fics and I think it shows

Stars ‘The Night Starts Here’ gives us the series title and the fic titles. Except for ‘To Exist Again’. TEA was almost titled ‘The Upwards Fall’ because I wanted all 3 of the Main Stories to have titles from this song, but I couldn’t make anything else work in tandem with the series name ‘The Love It Takes’ while also working for Sam’s personal story. So Sam, as always, is the rebel <3

Stars ‘Up In Our Bedroom, After The War’ is basically the vibes of the whole story. TFW has been, literally, to hell and back!!! There’s a bit of melancholy and sadness, a lingering dark, but the chance of a bright new tomorrow and a soft start.

Let’s Talk About Themes in The Story! What were you looking to accomplish?

My earliest notes for TFW are, as follows:

Dean’s journey of self-discovery (who am I when I’m not trying to be Dad?)

Dean wants to settle down! He wants a big family! He wants to be domestic!

Basically: Dean doesn’t want to have a short life of hunting. He wants to live!

Dean’s journey of realizing he’s bi, and him accepting that

Dean’s relationship to Sam is both older brother/parent

And continuing Dean balancing these roles while also letting Sam be an adult

Dean’s Big Issues/Fears about never being good enough for people to want to stay with him (these are effectively highlighted in that Cas thinks he’s not useful enough to be wanted)

Sub Plot:

Castiel’s autonomy

Cas’ fall from grace, to trying to restore Heaven, to wrecking it further

He’s majorly depressed by the end of s7 (before purgatory)

Wants to stay in Purgatory but doesn’t tell Dean

Remains depressed after leaving, but resolved to keep living on because he’s clearly meant for something

After the seraphim reveal: does he have free will?! How does he grapple with this? How does he live in a way he can be proud of?

And lastly

Sam gets his powers back CAUSE THATS HOT

where tf did they go????

he got them from Lucifer?????

sleeper agent??????

Sam is The Chosen One

Accepts that he is More Than Human and to celebrate all parts of him

Lucifer and Sam friends?? Work together????

Sam needs autonomy in his choices/his life

If you compare these to the overall arc of TFW within the two stories, I think I got a lot of them! But you’ll also note a lot of these things aren’t concrete goals that are easily measurable (ex: Dean wants to learn to bake pie. In chapter 1 he starts a fire in the kitchen. By the end of the story he finally makes A Good Pie.) part of the lack of concrete milestones was why I felt it was important to tell Dean (and Cas’) story by going back to the point they meet, in s4! Dean’s gradual change towards his feelings for Cas, his relationship to Sam (heavily influenced by the s7 events of this fic) and then his own relationship with himself were such slow burns that I felt it would be a disservice to try and cram a change like that into a timeline like “1 year”.

I felt like these subtle changes and adjustments actually felt a lot truer to life-- people often change in very small, gradual ways over time, even without realizing it and often times not consistently! If only we could all gain skills like the sims, where we can easily level up and remain at that high level of performance!

So the Guy Who Ate Satan, A Celestial Nuke that Developed Sentience, and Dean walk into a bar…

Sam’s story in Spn The Show has always been a ‘chosen one’ kind of narrative. Sam is living with one foot in the realm of the monsters, and I wanted to bring that back full force! It really makes sense for him that he should only continue to grow in power, might, and magic!! As the story progresses.

Cas also got a power up! I do desperately love in the show that he was kind of a grunt/nothing angel, and so even when he defected to TFW he was a huge help for them, but in the scale of things he was an annoying fly to most other angels. It really worked for the underdog story of s4/5. In this I wanted to give him a power up, and originally it was actually going to be close contact with Sam that eventually changed Cas into something unknown (you can still see traces of this in ch34 of TBAM, where Death remarks ‘Castiel could be [Sam’s] first creation’. But for a combo of reasons: how Sam’s magic needed to have intent, the entire concept of free will and consent, and how much I wanted Dean and Cas to have their effect on each other, I decided to go with the route that Cas has actually always been something angel-adjacent rather than becoming something new. TFW/Supernatural has always been about free will and making your own story, so I amplified that with Cas.

Dean has always been A Normal Guy, which is part of the appeal of him and Sam (2 normal dudes!) taking on the Very Not Normal. As explained above, Sam’s story is ‘normal guy finds out he’s the chosen one’ and so, in a story about very large concepts and huge monsters and acts of magic, I felt it was very important to keep Dean as normal as possible. To the point it became a running gag to me, personally, in that ‘no matter what cool shit happens around him, Dean has to stay as Just A Guy’. And it’s a very humanizing role that allows the story to have the scale it does!

What were the most important themes in your story?

Sam’s Autonomy

I wasn’t even going to include the plot about Lucifer’s death in this story— that was going to come up in a later story, actually! And rather than Sam having ate Lucifer, the original idea was that they’d become a SamandLucifer entity (this harkens back to a concept I wanted to write when Swan Song first aired).

That storyline would have involved a lot of mental ‘Sam and Lucifer discuss what it means to live, which one of them is more worthy of life and if they do deserve to destroy the world for the pain they’ve been forced to go through, just to create the dichotomy of good and evil for everyone else’ discussions. There would be a lot of talk about how Sam hates and fears Lucifer for the pain Lucifer put on Sam, how Lucifer hates Sam because he and Sam are the same but Sam’s brother loves him anyways, etc.

Ultimately that was scrapped because Sam’s entire story in the show is always about how the world and everyone around him manipulates him and that he never actually gets to make choices about his own life or body that aren’t influenced or part of someone elses’ design. And that always bothered me that Sam was never allowed to be himself without having to be ashamed of it, and I wanted to make sure that Sam’s triumph of being proud of himself/proudly choosing to exist (again) was evident in his story

In the end I needed Sam to have this visceral win over his tormentor. As the story shows, in this case Lucifer was abused and put into a position where he was incapable of empathy and could only express himself in violence. Sam even understands this! But it doesn’t change the fact that Lucifer tortured Sam in unimaginable ways for thousands of years.

With that in mind I didn’t like the idea of Lucifer and Sam having “co-ownership” of their new identity, so I made the choice that Sam had to be the survivor. This tied in well with Sam’s new crusade to restore free will to the universe, because he’s breaking the narrative of his own story!

While Castiel wasn’t a pov character, his own autonomy and free will was equally as important. You’ll note that many, many paragraphs and conversations revolved around that theme and that in the end Cas followed himself (and love!) which ensured his freedom of self <3

The Brothers are WEIRD PEOPLE!!!! And Codependent to a Worrying Degree, but It’s Also How They Survive

It’s very hard to show “unusual” relationships when you’re writing from the pov of the two people who don’t think there’s anything weird about their relationship. Sure, they say ‘yeah it’s probably weird that we still share a bed’ but that’s kinda more in line with ‘I had a nightmare and I want to be close to the person who makes me feel safe’. Hashtag normalize co-sleeping when you need it!!!

From there I did try to point out how the boys have a weird perception of lifestyle in the little things they did.

From thrifting everything from clothes to appliances to books (thrifting is a valid lifestyle! It’s incredibly handy when you’re on a budget.)

To never actually having condiments or knowing how to use a dishwasher cause they’ve lived in a car, a motel room, or squatted in old houses their whole life.

I tried to have them wear each others’ clothes or casually swap things as much as possible. They live out of each others’ pockets!

Also the brothers are just weird people!! It’s hard to show from their pov, cause they don’t know how far off from normal they are, but like…

Everything about Sam and Amelia was NOT right like holy shit those two were wilding in their grief. They are very lucky things worked out for them and that they got to be hashtag Weird Girls together

Dean explicitly, in the story, gets horny after killing stuff!! Violence has done a number on his psyche and he’s gotten some wires crossed that maybe shouldn’t have been, or maybe could be worked out in a safe space but… uh… how likely do we think Dean is gonna go find a safe space to deal with any of his shit???

LOVE!!! Love is truly what this whole story is all about

If you’ve read the stories, you know how much emphasis I put on love. Love is the strongest force in the Spn Universe! It’s what averted the apocalypse and saved the world (Swan Song), it’s what created free will (Cas’ entire arc!) I love love!!!!

I went out of my way to not put any definitions on platonic love vs romantic love because I think love is love is love and how you express that is the difference. Neither is more powerful than the other because LOVE is powerful!! Sam and Cas are the most important people in Dean’s life and he loves them equally! He shows this by giving Cas kisses and stealing Sam’s socks.

It’s a personal pet peeve of mine when I have to hear explanations like ‘I love you, like a brother’ or ‘I love you, but like, as a friend because I’m a lesbian and you’re a man’ etc etc in media. If you have to continuously define how your characters love each other, then I don’t think you’re doing a good job of portraying their relationship. So you’ll see that I never put those parameters in any conversation. Dean DOES muse that he loves Cas differently than he loves Sam or Bobby, specifically because there is a romantic and sexual tone that his feelings for Cas takes, but not because he loves Cas more or less than he loves Sam or Bobby.

Which means, if you haven’t realized it yet, the Series + Fic Titles are meant to be a complete sentence because the power of love IS the thesis of this series:

The Love It Takes To Exist Again (Sam’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Become a Man (Dean’s journey!)

The Love It Takes To Destroy a Man (TBA)

And now for fun stuff. Behind the scenes!!

What’s Something People Probably Don’t Know?

The demonic fungal/hydrothermal vent growth on Sam’s arm was thrown in literally as I was posting the chapter because I had just finished a 48 hour cram session of writing a report on tube worms for an ecology class (I was chanting my tube worm song as I wrote it) and it ended up being a HUGE hit with both readers and myself. But it was so last minute I had trouble fitting it in more throughout the rest of Sam’s story!

Cas’ orders? That may or may not have bound him to Dean and removed his free will? Were written into Sam’s story and I went ‘oh SHIT that’s compelling’ and then left them there as a ‘guess I’ll figure that out when I get to Dean’s story lol’

Originally Dean and Cas were supposed to get together after having their souls bonded, and have been in a UST limbo the entire time before that. Mostly because I think the entire concept of ‘we just got married of the soul I guess we should try dating?’ is very funny. CLEARLY the two of them were way more eager to fall in love than I anticipated (thank you Cas for your honesty) but you can still see shades of this original idea here and there (especially in ch35 of TBAM)

I never intended Dean and Benny to connect so well!! Benny was going to reunite with Andrea, she was going to live, and they were going to go off into the world and leave the story. And, uh, here we are. I’m still debating if I need to adjust the relationship tag or not haha. Polyamory is fun, especially when I was planning for Sam to be the polyamorous brother...

Speaking of, I can’t believe I forgot about Sam and his sexuality! If I rewrote TEA I would have had Sam contemplate more on his lack of sexual appetite due to trauma, up until he meets Benny and he gets to rediscover how he wants to be a sexual person

Many of Sam and Dean’s absolutely stupid sibling conversations were lifted near-verbatim from conversations I’ve had with my siblings

And lastly...

Dem where’s Kevin????????????? Where is our sweet baby boy????????

He’s SAFE!! He’s in the Hunter pipeline somewhere cause Sam handed him off to Bobby’s people. He and his mom are safe and at some point they probably got rib sigils like SalmonDean did against angels, but for demons. I didn’t have room in this story for him!!! But my baby boy is SAFE and I want to get him back to university because it’s WHAT HE DESERVES!!!!

To that point: god there were/are SO many characters that I just didn’t include in the story so far because I didn’t feel comfortable including them without stalling the story for them. To that point: pretty much everyone who is alive/dead in s8 is that way in this story, except Bobby who gets to live.

[Check Out Part 2 for reader questions!]

#the love it takes series #to exist again fic #to become a man fic #dem speaks

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matoitech · 5 years ago

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4, 5, 10, and 17

4. What made you want to watch Promare? What drew you in?

i saw a teaser trailer for it early 2019 and thought “that looks fun” and forgot about it until like september when it was showing in theaters in the us and ppl started posting about it, the summary sounded neat and the trailers looked fun and i was autistic about it immediately. i really dont know what drew me in i just DESPERATELY wanted to see it (i drove like 2 1/2 hours to go see it the first time cuz all the showings in my area were over by the time i got to looking at tickets lol, it only played for a few days here. i was very depressed at the time and needed something to cheer me up and it definitely did its job at that) after id seen it it was just like the WHOLE thing about it that got me even more invested, i loved the animation and the music and the characters but esp galo and lio! idk it was one of those ‘love at first sight’ special interest things i guess

5. Did your opinion on a character change over time?

kray makes me more and more uncomfortable every time i see him i hate that dude. i hated him so much the 1st time i watched the movie but i hate him even more now and thats really saying something

but besides the villains (and remi) ive grown to just love the other chars all more over time lol. i loved galo and lio from the start and liked various other characters and my opinion hasnt changed much on them besides getting like More Love. theres prob a good opinion i have that im forgetting but idk

10. What character do you feel is under appreciated in the fandom?

pretty much all of them to be honest. i feel like even lio as the fan favorite character is underappreciated for like his actual character. lio and galo in particular are really interesting characters with a cool dynamic and id like if ppl talked abt their characters more in general in ways that werent like blatantly wrong lol. but besides a general ‘everyone and the protags’, probably aina.. i like her a lot but i can also understand why ppl think she doesnt have a lot going on when a lot of her character is unfortunately written to contrast a mans (galo) so anything we know about her we know from her contrasted or paraleld (thats not how you spell that word) to him :/ at least we can guess some interesting things abt her from that ig.

i also wish lucia and varys werent shunted to the side so remi could get in merch with galo and aina as burning rescue bc galo seemed like he was actually friends with or at least closer to lucia and varys is way cooler than remi. the only time galo even interacts with remi is for remi to be a dick to him why is remi in merch with him help

17. Favorite AUs you’ve seen/heard of or your own?

i honestly dont interact much w promare fandom as like A Fandom i just kinda hang out here so i dont know of a lot of aus, i guess id say thyma doesnt die aus and the promare stay lol. also roleswap aus with like burnish galo but where he doesnt completely 180 in personality. also any au i invent is genius of course but i cant think of any atm. god bless

#THANKYOUUU #amanary #fess replies

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artsninspo · 6 years ago

Text

PULSE : PART IV - INTRAVENOUS

Authors Note:

This being part four IV and getting into Elles core conflict made its title fitting. Think of the state you need to be in to require an IV, think of what an IV does for a person.

There’s more but we can chat once you’ve read the chapter about your thoughts :)

Thanks for all the support and enjoy!

_________________________________

PART I | PART II | PART III | PART IV

PART IV - INTRAVENOUS

Where to go from here?

Anytime Black thought about his mother it took him out for a couple of days, not to mention he’d gone out of his way to be there for Elle. Women often mistook kindness for interest - especially coming from him. What was the alternative? She seemed like a decent enough person to him - definitely undeserving of getting taken advantaged of. Aside from that he could tell whatever it was it was deep and hurt her a lot.

Elle’s lifestyle had blessed her with the superpower of evading hangovers. She’d become practically liquor intolerant from all of her partying. But thats what alcohol had always been used for - to heighten the highs. She’d outdone herself last night. A whole bottle of tequila if her recollection served her right - and a whole lot of embarrassing. She’d managed to keep the tears away using her happy liquor but that didn’t negate the fact that it was clearly obvious she was in crisis. She never wanted to be a. victim, she never allowed herself to be. The realist side of her and the human side of her were at war and the realest needed to take over. The verdict had been read aloud and there was nothing that could change it, as nice as justice would feel it could never fully right the wrong or fill the void it caused.

It wouldn’t change the fact that her relationship with her mother was now estranged. She’d been civil during the trial but now even a simple hello seemed too much. If she never saw her stepfather Alan again it would be too soon. They’d failed her. All of the values and ideals instilled gone for the promise of prestige, money and advancement. People seldom want to be like their parents and Elle was joining that majority.

Fuck them forever.

Unfortunately that means full independence, no contact and no support. It wouldn’t be hard at all had Jesse still been here but he’s gone.

Elle swallows knocking on Tre’s door with a gift card for gas, a detailing voucher and wet wipes neatly put into a male travelling bag. It’s how she was raised to apologize. She’d been a first class nuisance and he’d pitied her enough to deal with it and be caring.

“Hey” he looks her over.

“Sorry about last night” she comments passing him the bag and he looks her over eyes stopping at her bandaged foot in a pair of slides - that didn’t seem like her style.

“You said a lot of fucked up stuff” Tre comments making her cringe.

“Just because I’m a spoiled little rich girl doesn’t mean I like talking about my feelings. Whoa is me.” Elles starts shocks him as she leans in the doorway showing no more signs of weakness.

”You asked me to kill you” Tre continues and she nods in embarrassment.

“I’m not suicidal, just mean. If I died maybe things wouldn’t be so blasé” Elle sighed shaking her head. “At least thats how I think”

“If you died instead of who?”

“My best friend” Elle sighs not being specific enough. Jesse had been her whole world. Her best friend in every sense of the word, thicker than thieves and close enough that they could finish each others sentences. “Anyway, I just wanted to say sorry and thanks for looking out” Elle offered a smile. Like Rico said in paid in full ‘people die everyday B’. Jesse kept life real, he’d been a designer - he was her best friend and she was his muse. When Alan and her mother threatened to cut her off for not going to college, Jesse spent his inheritance on a warehouse. They lived there throwing parties to cover the rent while Jesse made clothes and shoes for the theatres productions. When the money started rolling in Elle staged the place and they had a modern-day speakeasy they named Prohibition. It was their bread and butter but now, Elle couldn’t bring herself to step foot in the club.

She’d cried for a month straight after Jesse was found. dead, the nightmare was reality which triggered insomnia and then eventually mania and depression. Everything made worse by Alan taking the case to defend Jesse’s murderer - even knowing how it affected Elle; who he claimed to be is own flesh and blood.

“I don’t need gas money” Tre said looking at the card.

“Tre you don’t always have to be in need to get things” She commented getting a look. “Black” she corrects with a smile. He checked his phone as it buzzes looking down the stairs at the front door. Another girl in his rotation.

“I’m headed out, I can let her up” Elle adds.

“Cool” he agreed uneasily. He’d been open with her, he’d cared for her, they’d been spending time together. Usually a recipe for disaster. She’d been a mess the past two days but now she was okay and not jealous as far as he could tell - that was new.

…

Kizzy didn’t know what to make of Elle as they shopped around like her life wasn’t completely upside down. Elle had never really been a complainer but under the current circumstances she felt like it was justified. Jesse and Elle had lived in their own world - literally. The Prohibition had been their own little microcosm; Elle was the Queen and Jesse was like her most trusted advisor. Elle had become the party, or so Kizzy had heard - they had grown into different people. She’d only been to the prohibition once a three day party and she’d been treated like royalty. They didn’t stop laughing. Elle had been a more quiet kid, always tenacious but reserved and always watching. Jesse’s Elle was practically a show girl. The kind of person that lights up a room.

The family had it all wrong - no one believed Elle and Jesses relationship was platonic. With their partying lifestyle Em, Elles mom thought it was some sort of open relationship - or that Jesse loved Elle as more than friends but her daughter didn’t reciprocate.

But now Jesse was dead, killed, rather murdered by the husband of his girlfriend. As far as Kizzy could tell the man that did it had killed a part of Elle too.

Yet, here she was filling up her cart with make up after they’d visited the car dealership.

“Elle are you sure you don’t want to talk about what happened?” She asks worried.

“I’m not the only person who’s lost someone”

“Doesn’t mean you can’t grieve. If you don’t want to talk about Jesse fine but what about your mom? That can’t be easy”

How could Elle for get her moms position in all this? Standing beside her husband.

She tolerated Jesse but she never liked him and now she was on the side of justifying his murder as a crime of passion when the facts to support that were concocted.

“What mom?”

“Elle, your mom and you were always close its a double loss” Kizz reasons.

“Kizz I’m tired of crying, nothing can fill the Jesse sized hole. I’m not violent but I’d fight mom and Alan in a second for what they’ve done. I don’t think revenge is what you had in mind for my rehabilitation Kizz” Elle smiles.

“So you’re just going to stay here and do what?” Kizz asks.

“I got dressed up last night, one of the costumes Jesse made me, some shoes that he hadn’t finished and a faux fur. It felt good. Minus the foot damage.” Elle says taking her for out of the ugg boots she’s opted to walk around in despite it being summer.

“Elle?!” Kizzy sheiks.

“It’s alright” Elle smiles.

“What did the doctor that bandaged it say?”

“It wasn’t a doctor it was Mr. Asshole”

“What?”

“Yeah, he took pity on me and I was out of it”

“Elle, please call me when shit hits the fan, thats what family is for. If you don’t want to talk that fine but you don’t know how things work here. And, it’d hurt me if something happened to you” Kizz says honestly worries and letting it show.

“Alright, Kizzy” Elle smiles kissing her cheek and giving her a hug.

“Live a full life for me Ellara” had been Jesses last words and she would find a way to honour that.

__________________

@bugngiz @lifelover4u @l-auteuse @notsomellowmushroom @princessasaani @heavensangelxo @bakarilennox @chaneajoyyy @thehomierobbstark

#trevante rhodes #trevanterhodesimagine #trevante rhodes x reader

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stopgenitalism · 6 years ago

Text

Text “Antigenitalism” by Zara Paz (Raw Version) for an Activism Mag in Vienna

Here is another super exciting political article about a phenomenon / movement called "Antigenitalism".

Berlin 2013 - A group of women who have been born with dicks, have experienced shit all their lives and continue to experience shit, fight, have depression, etc., came together. Previously into activism yet, like Antifa, Antipsychiatry, Anarchism, etc. We are thinking about what we want. Whom we still want. And what we are against. Quickly, now. after 15-20 years of activism and thinking about what and who we actually are, a term comes up: genitalism.

This is what has wanted to put us down all our lives long. Wanted to kill us. And what has killed and will still kill many of us: the claim that every human / baby with a penis would a man / boy / male / belonging to the male gender, while each person/ baby with a vagina would be a woman/ girl / female / belonging to the female gender.

As if that would be clear, self evident, natural or supported by us. No. It is not. This claim, this procedure ruined our lives.

Our families and friends are incited against us. Before, until 1994, we / our "sisters" were imprisoned if we started something with a man because of that (the German "gay paragraph" §175 that criminalised so called "homosexual sex amongst men").

For me it was like this: I have always positioned myself as a girl and recognized as soon as spoken out gender position were stated (parents and all people actually do this from birth on, nonverbally children internalize it, even without words / language, logically, right?), first I was allowed to express & dress myself as I wanted in the kindergarten (skirt, long hair, jewelry, etc), but at some point my grandparents got scared that I could "become gay",

because in the documents / following the official doctrine "I was a boy" and later "wpuld become a man", of course, a hetero, everything else was criminalised & tabooed in the 80s, was considered to be perverted, wrong and unacceptable.

Suddenly at one day they shaved my hair, I was put into boys clothes against my will and gradually my toys were exchanged. Suddenly I should be interested in "boy things". A shock that still sits in my bones today. Simply because I so suddenly felt the force of the normative system, had bad presages, which should later prove true.

So far, everything reads like a harmless, exaggerated mimimi. Only if you hit the bridge from there to the many murders of women with cocks and men with pussies, e.g. if the "they fooled" because they said to be, for example, a woman, had sex, gave a kiss to someone or just were flirted or desired by a stranger (without being able to change it), a stranger who then felt "injured in his honor," just because of genitalism (penis = man, vagina = Woman ideologies).

Or, think of teacher Lucy Meadows, who was personally bullied with newspaper articles by Daily Mail reporter Robert Littleton ("you men in a man's body," "stop harassing children, they'll lose their innocence soon enough,", "not in the wrong body, but especially in the wrong job", etc.), until she finally took her own life.

What is new is that someone speaks about it, mockery like that had always happened. In the 90s, the rainbow press liked to publish the private addresses of women who have been assigned a male gender (which is why they legally could not defend against it and then), so that many times such a house was then set on fire ("public disgrace", "something like this may not exist," "what if more people do something like that?").

I grew up with stereotypical, vicious fairy tales of "men in women's clothes" (the, in my ears, sick and exotic-sounding labels "transvestite" and "transsexual" were even sounding more respectful compared to the stuff that was usually said and written), for example in the movie "The Naked Cannon 33 1/3" Leslie Nielsen immediately puked into a tuba after discovering that his dream-woman, who had "something to confess" to him, shows to him that she has a huge tail, what was meant to be the biggest joke in that movie, while in "the silence of the Lambs", the psychopath is a bizarre, "female dressing", androgynous (surely male looking) being that hates women because they can "get" the men/sex he/she dreams of. (The murderer is always shown as a male, like all people with dicks / male assignments are shown in the 90s... except dragqueens because they always told to be male "in reality" in the mainstream media what made them less a danger for the gender security of those times).

In Amsterdam we met a pair of extremely glittery, sequined and extremely high heeled drag queens who became introduced to me as "men who want to be women" under the suggestive emphasis that they are "on the hunt of some men" tonight/in general.

It has always been said "if you have a penis but you do not behave as a man, do not wear menswear and / or are not satisfied with your body, then you are necessarily gay, perverted and disturbed, you have to be all that because you are then a danger and a serious nuisance for the society (well, that's what I always wanted to be anyways but thats another story) and something about you has to change, because that's just not the way how you and society can work together (soon more about that).

"Unfortunately" I was mainly attracted by women (whatever that was supposed to be), so I was automatically perceived as a man, although I (yet for that) took the freedom to put on make up, "behaved as femaie as I could" and did also everything I could not to be perceived as a man/male, but since my family had bullied and punished me for the girls name I had given myself in thekindergarten,

I was still scared to "completely go for it" or" to really claim honest respect to be a woman "(with intention I am writing this in a vague way, because I never could precisely define/find out what gender / a woman / not male should be exactly), how do you "do that" or "how do you get rid of that?", what do all of them want me to do and why do they stage this gender shit and then pretend me to be the only one who is actually trying to break out of it to be the one staging it??)

This led to many detours, at some point then came the phase where I realized I do not want to marry a man necessarily, but still I want to be allowed to use a women's toilet (instead of risking to go to jail for it), I would maybe also let my body " get modulated" so that everybody perceives me as a woman, always and everywhere, it would be easier for me because then I do not always have to discuss everything with everyone, especially not beeing exposed to any fomented homophobia of all people around me.

The big problems were starting in that phase. For psychologists have to approve the name change and the body modulations (even if you pay by yourself, which was the case with me in the end), you can get your arm amputated, if you're funny, make implants and tattoos, as much as you want , but taking hormones like estrogen or testosterone or altering the genitals or having breasts operated can only be done after 3 years of "therapy" that is supposed to "help", whether or not "this help" is needed or not. (To my point of view, "help" against my will is never help, but force and therefor violence, so the phase "forced therapy" I use to describe for the shit the state forced me into, is an intentional oxymoron if you look so close).

Furthermore you are forced to tell and subscribe you would be ("strongly feeling to be") "born in the wrong body", "hating your body" and wanting to modulate it (into the way the law defines a "male / female body", also here doesn´t matter if you really want this or not) and that you" feel like a woman / man " (NOT that you ARE a woman / man - notice the difference !)

and that you would be "into the sex change" towards the court, doctors, authorities, public representatives, the health insurance (always, even when paying yourself), offices and many other institutions then again and again) to be able/allowed to change your name/sex entry or get prescriptions/indications for hormones, surgery and epilations (the only way to do it legally and not having to take the risks that illegal hormones and surgery imply, to be said, a high risk that yet demanded and demands many death victims).

And you have to get and pass documents ("expertises") paid by yourself to many many strangers, institutions and doctors which include lots of very herrassing normative, sexist remarks about your body, the clothes you wear, your underwear, your voice, your hair, your genitals, and your lifestyle.

And, of course, depend on and have to deal with psychologists and psychiatrists who make such decisions (whether or not you are allowed to surgeries and legal name change) are often not casually into these jobs, but having a fetish, groping your body, asking you sexual and intimate questions, record you naked on video or ask you to try and report on certain sex practices with men / women. All around the world.

These laws that say that you are a man / boy when having a penis and you are a woman / girl when having a vagina and otherwise you have to beg for recognition to be "the opposite sex" exist everywhere in the world, in any state. We all had these experiences. We were all permanently bullied, insulted, laughed at, threatened, sexually harassed and / or looked at badly and hostile on the streets, regularly at the latest after psychiatrists forced us to their so-called "everyday test" asking us to wear the clothes that to their opinion "women have to wear" (skirt or dress, even at minus temperatures, shoes with heels, make-up, bra, even with small breasts, possibly tights, etc.). Each of us had had countless experiences of violence, each of us had been bullied, teased and persecuted, mostly by strangers,

been (sexually and otherwise) harassed, "even" by authorities and doctors, etc. everyone of us had been discriminated and mocked, so we decided that we now are fed up with this shit and that we want to do something against this damned madness that destroys our lives and seeks to erase our existences plus our stories, just as oppression always deals with the people it seeks to destroy and exploit.

So we developed a short, catchy concept: we want to fight for an area where the genitalist assignments ("penis = man, vagina = woman") are abolished and everything related to that (gender in documents, anywhere, nowhere) , no newspapers spread the lies of "gender changes" and "born as a boy", which in the end lead to hatred and violence, no transphobic, genitalist media, movies, documentaries, newspaper articles, books, diagnoses, court judgments that repeat and state only "their" viewings on us, strengthening their perspective, but never tells a word about how we perceive our selves, how we see and perceive gender, how we perceive bodies and their meanings. Also not a "biological gender" propaganda bullshit, no "trans" / "cis" / "inter" shit from the outside, which, if you look closely, is the same oppressive stuff.

Because If I am called a "trans woman" for beeing a woman with a dicj and the other woman gets called a "cis woman" because of her body/vagina, this is the same genitalistic procedure and leads in the end just to the same special treatments, discrimination and problems, as if you would directly talk of me as "a man" or a "fake women". Finally in both ways you just take some physical attributes and start emphasizing they would make a "very big difference between two human beeing to either have these or those

attributes". Then you start telling and repeating the claimed differences would be so big you would even have to make two categories of humans

along those body shapes/attributes.

This is also how the categories "trans (gender)", "cis (sexual)" and "inter (identity)" work that we deny, unless you call yourself like this.

No one has the right to impose such stamps on you / us / who ever. Etiquettes kill.

We want to fight for spaces free of all gender assignments, while every state presses us into a genderrole at birth, puts a gender stamp on, with devastating consequences, every newspaper writes about all people and their bodies in body shape related manners and this normative way of stamping and norming people and bodies is what we want to completely leave behind us and be free of, to create own channels, symbols, spaces, language, paroles, culture and stories that are free of all this bullshit,emancipative, not repressive and therefor to show that one can step out of the assigned genitalist sex cramp of all existing States, the media, the "oppressor´s language" and binary gender change lies fairy tales, with which they are trying to justify their violence against us and to legitimize their asshole laws against us, for which there can be no excuse, even if its seeming to be self evidently the dominant doctine and order for many after more than 4,000 years of genitalistic terror and permanent global states of murder, persecution, criminalization and stigmatization of us and our mates.

This is why we are here and standing up against our oppressors, stepping out of this hostile society and leaving its filthy body

normative corsets behind us to unite with our people to found and fight for our own territories free of majority terror, genitalistic

slavery and its hateful impact on our lives, health and possibilities to interact or be perceived as what we really are and may be.

#Antigenitalism #Zara Paz #Text #activism #storytelling #life #oppression #gender #entry #stamp #category #cis #inter #trans #state #mag #vienna

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somehelplesssoul-ithink · 6 years ago

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my 3am thoughts completely spilled out

well, its 2am and my boyfriend is sound asleep beside me. Isnt that exactly what us girls want? someone who treats you well and loves you literally sleeping like an angel right beside you?...-yes right? then why arnt i happy. ive been doing my own thing on my laptop for hours just trying to stay away because everything is frustrating me right now. hes a grown man but i dont feel like im dating one still. i love him with all my heart and hes so incredibly special to me but.. man i havent been myself at all recently. its like i can feel my body going through changes, my emotions changing, my reactions are different and i dont know why. i should be happy with no doubt in the world hes the one ... but i dont know how many more chances i should give him before i lose myself. or did that already happen?

im starting to worry about all the negative things ive heard, although we all have our haters right? but its soo weird, ive been having these visions into the future and all i see is myself looking deep into his eyes and holding back tears asking him how could he do this? but i dont get any farther then that and i dont know what this is really about but i have a very, very strong feeling im gonna get hurt. bad. he has my heart in his hands right now, but how do i trust someone i barely know? he has done absolutely nothing wrong but be himself and man, do i admire that and fall deeper everyday. looking at him get ready in the morning is breath taking and i definitely didnt have this feeling with my ex and i REALLY thought he was the one. so maybe this one is really something special

my mom always told me, and still does to this day that im going to go through 100,000 heart breaks before i truly found the one. Now at first i was very skeptical because my first boyfriend bradley was truly remarkable and i thought i was going to marry him, unfortunately i left him for personal reasons. then brandon came along... and he was very life changing. i spent years with him and felt things i never have before he was so different from my last relationship i thought i should try and hold onto this one forever, and yes i mean forever. well that recently changed and now im with my current one. so is it even worth it trying this young? because we clearly want different things right now. i just turned legal, i wanna party and be care free and he is 5 years older then me, totally finished his party stage and who is struggling to survive, he cant take care of himself and ive realized that fast. but im here now literally changing my life for someone elses sake.

that was my doubting coming out, it happens. but should it? i dont know anymore i love my boyfriend so much. it hurts not seeing him. yet, when im with him i get so upset. im so confused and frustrated i really need answers, although i already know what im gonna do. no matter what i have to stay with him and help him walk alittle longer, he deserves a fair chance.. we all do and i wanna be the one to take care of him in his hardest times. but theres only so long i can do it for too. i always took care of myself and did whats best for me but its different now, i dont do that much anymore. i do whats best for US and i want this relationship to succeed more then i want anything else in this entire world. im not kidding when i say hes special, im honestly shocked even now, thinking how in the world did i score this one. i forgot to mention HES BEAUTIFUL .. like the most sexiest sweetest men ive ever met. hes incredible... our bond and connection is whats really remarkable though, we are so alike maybe thats why he frustrates me so often.

i love him so much its hard to control myself sometimes. i just dont feel like i can talk to him about anything because i feel he plays the victim a lot. its always about his depression and how he feels but i dont think he has a single thought in his mind maybe im depressed too? i used to self harm in many ways and i still kind of do them to this day. i starting to be bulimic and he was alittle concerned when i told him but the next day, its like he totally forgot. he came to visit me at work, we ate sushi and immediately after i said “i felt sick” and what did i do? go to the bathroom to puke up my food. he still thinks nothing of it. unfortunately after that ive been craving anything that will alter my mind, well to prevent nights like this. alcohol, coke, molly, anything it is i will take it ... now that im writing this out im starting to understand the war im having with myself. maybe ill let him read this and he will understand what goes through my mind, or maybe ill delete the next day. whatever i do, i needed this and im gonna wake up tomorrow with a whole new perspective.

its now 3am and im feeling a little better but still confused. when i look over to my left, hes still sleeping there so quiet and peaceful and i still think nothing of it. i still want to listen to my music and spill my fucking heart out because i have lots more to say. but i find it really hard to put my thoughts into words sometimes thats a big reason why i listen to music so much.. it really speaks for me and takes so much off my mind. kind of like a high from music, almost the same high id get taking drugs to release myself. music is just another way of me doing that. but whats really awesome is he has a big interest for music too, and thats just another thing i love about him. we can sit for hours and just show each other music, now thats really special to me.

theres so many songs i found tonight that are really helping me connect with myself and the emotions im feelings right now. its almost like god wanted me to stay awake so i can learn about myself, find some cool songs and spill my heart and soul out so i can sit back and look at what the fuck im doing. thats the part im at right now, occasionally scrolling up and reading whatever the hell im writing. none of this is perfect and theres multiple errors but, my fingers are just typing whatever my mind is telling it to.. and i havent been able to write like this for a long time. so im taking for granted any time i have right now to just.. write

as the night goes on i can finally start to feel my eyelids slowly shutting and my brain is wanting to turn off, but im still so hurt i dont know whats going on with me, althought i do get bad sometimes. i guess this is what you call me getting bad is :/ im trying to restrain myself from grabbing the bottle because i almost bkacked out last night. but writing is so therapeutic i dont ever want to stop. and plus, why am i doing this while with my boyfriend? shouldnt i be cherrishing every little moment we have? or is that just the first stage of any relationship? who fucking knows. who knows anything anymore? because i dont. i dont know whats with relationships but majority dont end well, so why as us humans constantly create and live in relationships? oh this is know, because we crave attention and love. thats something i really need to be careful with not growing up with a father, being in dyer need of attention and protection. i used to give everyone who looks at me a chance. but that kept leaving me broken and pieces of my heart and soul were shattered between my feet. even my relationships were destroyed by my decisions. thats why im asking should i even bother anymore? am i the common demoninator in all my past failed lovers.. who knows?

but i think my time here is almost done. the more i watch him the more i wish i was sleeping beside him. but i know what to do now, because i truly am in love, i need not to let myself go, not be controlled and just be Meghan. because so far, im really liking the woman ive become so far which means i must of done something right

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comicteaparty · 6 years ago

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May 23rd, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on May 23rd, 2019, from 5PM - 7PM PDT. The chat focused on Maiden of the Machine by Caitlin Like.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! Our final Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing Maiden of the Machine by Caitlin Like~! (https://maidenmachine.com/)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

i think my favorite scene so far is when elizabeth and victor decide to sleep together. part in for its serious drama. theres so many questions about victor created from just the visuals, and then theres the stakes at hand of elizabeth's reputation. but then, there is also a good balance of comic relief to a degree since victor told her to ask no questions and she asks the one question that he probably didnt see coming. all around it was a pretty satisfactor culmination of their relationship so far at a juncture that felt natural.

another scene i really enjoyed was the ball scene where victor and eric are having a chat about elizabeth and then elizabeth and victor have a passionate liason. im mostly a fan cause of the dramatic convo. cause theres a deep and terrible sense that both characters truly know what their risking, what the situation is, and how they still are into each other. plus, its all very tense cause it just takes one person being in the wrong place at the wrong time to blow their cover.

honestly i think itd be accurate to say all my favorite scenes are with elizabeth and victor. romance is one of those genres i can struggle with, because theres always something missing. but oh man do i love the romance in this comic. there is nothing more i want than to see then elizabeth and victor finding a way to be together in spite society trying to kick that down at every turn.

i will give a special shout out to the scene where eric, abhaya, milo, and the cousin are meeting to discuss the affairs of the estate. i just like it because it basically shows all the characters' worst sides. abhaya is brash and reckless, milo is just kind of there, and eric is a greedy mofo. and whats worse is literally none of them thought to bring elizabeth. they may have their excuses of protecting her...but part of me still thinks thats a super dick move and shows even abhaya just kind of views elizabeth more as a pawn than a person. but all in all, nothing like money and estates to show off everyone's worst traits. it is very true to life, and i can respect that.

another non-victor/elizabeth scene i respect is the scene where elizabeth is out dress shopping and eric is like here i got you these dresses. just cause i knew eric was kind of a creep, but ho boy, he dialed the creep up to number 11 on a 10 meter scale. but at the same time, i think that really helped to erase all sympathy i might have had for him. thus paving the way for me to not really feel guilty on elizabeth's behalf for her trespasses against him.

mathtans

Hello, I made it... unfortunately this is a rather bad week, I only made it through the first two chapters.

RebelVampire

i also like scenes with west in them. cause I like that between all the people around Victor, West seems the most honest in a scoundrel sort of way. Which that is basically what I like about him in every scene. He causes trouble and pushes the limits, but at the same time hes always at least pretty upfront about his intentions.

thats unfortunate cause its a great comic, but glad to see you anyway math!

mathtans

Which kind of sucks, I like the whole concept of the kick ass ladies. Even the pirates.

Maybe I'll find time to read more in the background.

The bit I liked most of what I read I think was back in the first chapter, when Elizabeth makes the callback to when she got out of the ropes at the very start of the story. It was a nice subtle detail which I found very clever.

I'm not at your bits yet but I can see how the Elizabeth/Victor thing is being set up. Also there seems to be some question of whether Abhaya likes him... or possibly other ladies? I may be reading my own interests into that.

RebelVampire

you may be reading your own interests but later on there is a female character i ship abhaya with atm

so there is that

i dont think youve met her yet tho

mathtans

Also, yeah, the whole estate thing creates an interesting dynamic. That was a clever way of using the period to generate conflicts.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 2. A large focus of the comic is on Elizabeth and Victor’s relationship. At the end of the day, do you think the two will find a way to be together? If so, how will they get over the scandal Elizabeth would face and the fact those around Victor want him to marry a titled woman? If you don’t believe they’ll find a way to stay together, what will stop them? Further, given the most recent events, how will Eric Wollstonecraft play a role in the future of their love story? How does the narration framing seen where Elizabeth is addressing her potential son affect your opinion? How do you think that future came about, and how soon will it come to pass? Last, what do you think of their relationship in terms of Elizabeth wanting to make her own choices in life?

mathtans

I ship Abhaya with everyone.

RebelVampire

yeah i have to say if theres one thing i appreciate its combination of progressive themes while at the same time acknowledging that the period was not the friendliest towards these things

especially in regards to how elizabeth is treated since her only purpose apparently to everyone is to get hitched to a titled guy

and i mean

thats depressing

yet also true to the period

even though we get to see elizabeth take a journey and reject those social conventions

in regards to the current question, i am choosing not to think about whether in the long term elizabeth and victor will get together for the rest of their lives. because if they dont i will cry but i could see this realistically being the case given the tone of the narration. cause that...does not sound like an elizabeth who lives in eternal happiness.

mathtans

Back, sorry. Yeah, I'm usually not much of one for period pieces, but I like the narrative viewpoint. Also, pretty neat airships.

There was the point where she talked about leaving Victor behind back in Chapter 1 (I don't recall the exact circumstances) but I wondered if it was because he causes her heartache, or just because it make their lives more complicated.

Incidentally, the first thing I thought of with the name "Lovelace" was Lady Ada Lovelace. The mathematician. Not sure if that was an intentional reference to another well regarded woman.

RebelVampire

i love period pieces but i think the steampunk aspects help twist it enough to make it a bit more unique.

mathtans

(I don't think the time frames synch up but I don't recall when the comic takes place...)

Oh, it's definitely unique. I like the gadget aspect too.

RebelVampire

i would not be surprised if the name choice was purposeful. if only because the comic has lots of strong ladies. i doubt well see any real historical figures though.

i appreciate that the comic actually kind of starts off with the airship escapade

cause it really showcases the ways in which their world differs

where you get airships

and sky pirates

mathtans

That's a good point. Helps with the world building before we get down into some of the classic period issues.

RebelVampire

yes. and i also kind of like it starts off more action-y. not that there isnt action bits later mind you. but more i think it helps set up the main conflict while tying in the romance. because it makes it so the romance isnt some forced subplot. rather its kind of integral and has as much to do with the whole highjacking as the rest of the story. since later on youll see that elizabeth's proximity to victor keeps bring that part of the story into the limelight

mathtans

That's a good point, in terms of tying things together. Also possibly sets up a key antagonist (or at least revenge plot) in that burned pirate lady.

RebelVampire

she does come back

i will spoil that much

mathtans

I figured she had to some time, whether it was by the present updates or not.

I've resumed reading a bit in the background. Seems like both the Watson ladies are doing their best to get arrested. ^.^

RebelVampire

well at least Abhaya is.

cause Abhaya is a risk taker who puts herself in many situations where people are gonna stop and stare

mathtans

Well, yes. But Elizabeth also seems to be taking risks where Victor is concerned. Or at least stepping out of her comfort zone.

Certain people have certain effects on us I guess.

RebelVampire

nah thats true. I just think Elizabeth just takes more social risks. Like not the kind that are gonna get her arrested, but more the kind that are gonna get her socially shunned.

whereas Abhaya is the punch one who is gonna get charged with assault

mathtans

That seems like a valid viewpoint. It fits with their personalities when we saw them in their youth.

The cutting back and forth between the two sisters in Chapter 3 is well done.

RebelVampire

yeah in general i like the PoV switching of the comic. because every scene is pretty well-chosen and advances the plot in some manner. and it lets us see others parts of the comic developing. cause later on you do get to see more of victor without elizabeth some and get to go "hmm" to all that hes up to.

mathtans

Ha! I like Chapter 3, page 31, where all the dialogue seems to fade out as Victor touches her. Cute.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. Besides romance, there is a larger plot posing real and deadly danger to the characters. Who do you think the Angel is? What are the Angel’s goals, and why is she excessively targeting Victor? Further, what do you think the source of her power is? Also, what does have kidnapping people like Ambrose have to do with her goals? Alternatively, is Ambrose there of his own free will (and if so, why)? Considering Abhaya is being sought by Amabel for help, what do you think Abhaya will do? Will Abhaya be able to uncover more of the truth, or is Abhaya just going to get herself into more trouble? How will Abhaya’s involvement affect Elizabeth and herself? Last, can Amabel be trusted, or is it possible she’ll abandon Abhaya when Abhaya might need her?

spoiler Amabel is who I ship Abhaya with

mathtans

Related to those questions, I do wonder a bit if Victor has a sordid past or something. Like maybe his empire wasn't entirely built on the up-and-up... with his knowledge or possibly without it. So there could be a reason there for him to be targeted.

I've looked on the character page and I approve this ship.

RebelVampire

oh yeah. Victor is 100% definitely a scoundrel. There is one scenes that really hints at this, but even before that i agree with you. Victor is not on the up and up entirely. I don't think he made his fortune without cracking a few skulls.

although idk if this is what makes him a target persay

or maybe it oes

but more in the way hes done the forbidden when it comes to tech

mathtans

Was he totally aware of the repercussions of whatever he did though? Because the people around him seem to like to keep him in the dark.

brb

RebelVampire

im sure he knew the repercussions. the people around him are more about keeping him in the dark about romantic matters. cause as was implied by one of the questions later on you find out the main thing ppl arent telling victor is that elizabeth is just there to open him up to the idea of marriage so he can marry a titled lady

cause everyone is all about those titles

In regards to the current question while you're away, I think Abhaya will help Amabel and get herself caught and get into a whole mess of trouble that for once, Elizabeth will have to break her out of. But I think it'll be a dual sword cause I do think Elizabeth's relationship to both Abhaya and Victor is gonna put her in the crosshairs. cause like, what an easy way to get Victor to show up. Get Elizabeth, tell Victor you'll never see her again if you don't show up.

as for the angel's goals, I feel shes on a path of vengence against the entire world, but particularly victor cause hes high up there in the industrialist chain

and knows something she doesnt and that she needs to bring her plans to fruition

mathtans

Back. Okay, that does make sense, darn titles.

Interesting, this Angel talk. I wonder if it's the same "angel" we see in the title card for Chapter 2?

Sounds like you think it's not personal, the Angel's path, merely that Victor is a convenient figurehead.

RebelVampire

i mean the angel is kind of the one from the title card. those are her wings for sure, though she doesnt look quite like that the one time you meet her

it could be personal, but i feel like the angel just has bigger fish to fry

from the impression i got from her

since shes kidnapping a ton of ppl

and you dont need to kidnap ppl to your cause if all youre doing is hunting down some industrialist

who almost got caught

if not for abhaya and elizabeth

mathtans

Ah, so she's the one behind the disappearances then.

(Still reading in the background.)

RebelVampire

yes. i mean its pretty implied but you get confirmation later that yes its her. though you can definitely speculate on the why

cause i have no clue

shes still enigmatic

mathtans

Looking for a husband? ^.^

RebelVampire

shes reading the wrong romance advice book

when elizabeth and her meet, elizabeth will point her in the right direction

and the angel is like "oh wait so youre not supposed to kidnap them? huh?"

mathtans

And then we ship Angel and Elizabeth.

RebelVampire

no. ill ship Abhaya and Angel

Elizabeth and Victor are the OTP

i said but then was like "nah id totally ship Elizabeth with West"

mathtans

Heh. That's fair, they are the main couple. Though West is an interesting guy, just needs to learn social cues.

RebelVampire

nah thats why west is amazing

he doesnt know social cues

and is awkward

yet helpful

and hes the only dude of victor's who seems to be in elizabeth's corner

mathtans

Right. I think it was said that he's not used to the lifestyle?

RebelVampire

yes that is what he said

which makes me want a side chapter just about what he did before he came to victor

cause i dont feel like victor would just hire some rando. he must of seen something in west

mathtans

Maybe he took pity on the guy, something about the scar.

RebelVampire

that could be cause victor understands the burden of scars

or something like that

whereas i just think west's scar gives him character

QUESTION 4. Mixed in with the present drama is a lot of unsolved past drama. Who do you think Victor really is? What do you think happened to Victor based on Milo’s story that he was telling Abhaya? How do you think Victor managed to overcome this to become the person he is today? Also, what do you make of the room Victor seemed to have sealed off in his house? Besides Victor, there is also a lot of drama between Jules, Abhaya, and Milo. What do you think happened between the three of them that managed to damage their relationship forever? Will spending more time together heal their wounds, or is it impossible at this point? Further, what was Jules up to the whole time he was away with Victor? Last, what do you think Jules’ goals were for introducing Elizabeth and Victor, and why does he seem immensely conflicted about her presence?

mathtans

Sorry, biab

RebelVampire

kay

I think Victor was some fellow servant kid who was Jules' only friend after Jules got sent away. And then Victor almost died. Although I'm changing my previous speculations. Maybe the Angel is more literal and she literally showed up, saved Victor with tech with the promise to return, and then left. So now shes back for her comeuppance. Meanwhile, Victor decided technology was great and he needed to bring it to the world cause it was what would keep him alive and save others.

as for the three, at this juncture it seems pretty heavily implied Milo and Jules were in a relationship and that Milo called off the wedding to Abhaya cause he didnt want to live a lie in regards to how he felt about Jules. Regardless of the what, while Milo i feel will legitimately forgive and forget, I dont feel Abhaya or Jules will. Abhaya cause she doesnt seem the type to ever forgive ever. And to just hold onto her hatred and seethe. Jules in the meantime I think wont forgive until he gets revenge in some way. Cause the two probably betrayed his trust big time and he kind of got the most screwed over by what happened

i think Jules wanted them to meet for the exact reason that the others implied: they want Victor to warm up to the idea of women so he can get married. However, I feel Jules now feels like a jerk who is taking out his anger at Abhaya on Elizabeth who had 0% to do with what happened between the three. and yet he knows hes in too deep to turn back now.

mathtans

Could be that Victor was initially poor... in fact maybe he married into the company somehow? Could the Angel be his wife? o.o

I wondered about Milo and Jules. My initial thought had been that Abhaya had called off the engagement though, so that's an interesting other look at things.

Jules and Elizabeth were close too, back in the day. One wonders if he's that good at seeing how things play out long term.

RebelVampire

nah its definitely his company. but victor was probably poor. if only cause everyone calls him new money. so it means he has no predecessor parent who made their fortune.

Jules strikes me more as the type who things hes great at planning but really, really, really isnt

and then tons of consequences come about that he has to accept and deal with

mathtans

That makes sense and could explain the sympathy for West too, maybe he knows West even though it doesn't necessarily go both ways.

Yeah, Jules seems to think he's got everything well in hand but he doesn't seem to account for the human factor.

Made it to the end of Chapter 4/Act 1 now. Apparently the Angel kidnaps people to literally graft wings onto her spine. Ouch.

Interesting callback to Victor's wounded leg though.

RebelVampire

i think even more than the human factor, Jules is just bad at making plan Bs for when things do go wrong. then panics and makes bad decisions

like not telling victor the factory is in danger

mathtans

Maybe that thing that Victor has in the factory is a time machine. Turns out he's actually from the future, he brought back all the technology and that's why the Angel is after him, she thinks it's stolen.

You're not wrong there, about Jules.

RebelVampire

ya know...i can support this time traveler theory. i mean it doesnt quite fit considering flashbacks

but id 100% buy victor built a time machine

cause why not

victor is amazing

mathtans

Maybe his company is corrupt because they're still trying to get the patents.

RebelVampire

i mean

its a company

so its probably corrupt to some degree regardless

mathtans

That's also a good point.

RebelVampire

i mean i can point out the fact they want victor to marry a titled lady to be a form of corruption. cause thats just marrying someone to advance your social standing for the business

mathtans

I guess we're near the end... haven't said anything about the art yet. I suppose I like the shading, and I thought the sound effect use was clever.

Need someone to star in the commercials.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my wife loves this new device I call a roomba."

RebelVampire

i really love the clothes. i mean theyre simple, and yet all seem to fit within the period that this comic is trying to go for

but if they get a roomba what are the house wives supposed to do

not sit at home cooking and cleaning all day?

also about the art, i really love the steampunk designs. you can definitely tell the steampunk inspiration in them, yet theyre really unique and not really like any steampunk ive seen before

and i can for sure appreciate uniqueness

mathtans

Yeah, that's true. And there was that neat detail of the corset being laced up the front, I wouldn't have thought of that.

Uniqueness is good. I wonder what the machine connection will end up being.

With the whole "maiden of the machine" thing there. (Won't be a roomba, after all.)

RebelVampire

ah thats a good point as well. i loved that detail about the maid being able to tell elizabeth didnt have a maid

mathtans

Maybe Elizabeth gets upgraded too.

RebelVampire

the comic was about the angel all along

and the angel's victory

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up our final Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Caitlin Like, as well, for making Maiden of the Machine. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Caitlin Like’s efforts however you’re able to~!

Read and Comment: https://maidenmachine.com/

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where-theres-smoak-2 · 6 years ago

Text

GOT 8X05 REVIEW

I feel like this episode was the Marmite of Game of Thrones, you either loved it or you hated it. Me? I did love it. I mean there are some things I had an issue with but as an overall episode I thought it was a good watch. For some reason I keep finding myself in this position where the majority of people hate an episode but I like it but there you go. As I said before these are just my own thoughts and feelings and I have no issues with anyone else having a different opinion or feeling differently about the episode everyone is entitled to their own feelings and I’m not here to judge or tell someone they’re wrong for feeling a particular way. I respect other peoples opinions as I would hope they respect mine. But anyway if you would like to know what I thought about the episode continue reading again it is very long so fair warning and obviously there are spoilers.

Dany’s Decision

So I’m going to start with Dany as I feel like that was the thing most people seemed to have the strongest feelings over. Again unpopular opinion here but I personally didn’t have an issue with her actions, ok I’ve worded that badly obviously I didn’t enjoy watching her burn thousands of people alive but I had no issue with how it was written. Mostly because it made sense to me, I understood her motive and her thought process in that moment (it might also have been influenced by the fact that I’ve been waiting for ehr to go Mad Queen ever since season 3 so instead of feeling sudden to me it actaully flet long overdue). The best way for me to explain why it made sense to me is by walking through Dany’s storyline this episode in particular. I think the key to understanding her actions is understanding the state of mind she’s in at that moment. If we start at the beginning of the episode and how we find Dany. For us the audience only an episode has passed but for Dany and the other characters its been at least 2 weeks. We know this because Tyrion told Dany last episode that Jon and his men were a fortnite away and Jon arrived this episode. That means that for two weeks now Dany has locked herself in a room by herself, she’s completely isolated herself and has refused any food. She’s had two weeks of grieving and missing Missandei. I feel like during those two weeks her mind has unravelled and she’s now essentially just a shell of who she used to be. Which is made obvious when we next see her and her hair is unbraided and unkempt and she’s pale and has such a hollow look in her eyes, I mean hats off to Emilia because her acting this episode is her best so far in my opinion I brought everything she was selling.I know alot of people said that Dany just snapped when the bells rang but in my opinion she was broken long before that moment she was broken from the very beginning of this episode. I do think Dany at this earlier point in the episode is in a very deep depressive state which is understandable given everything she’s gone through so far. She’s put a wall up and has hidden all her feelings behind it as a way of coping with all she’s lost so now she just feels hollow and empty. I think this hollow feeling is shown most when she learns of Varys’ betrayal and has little reaction to it, as she says to Tyrion it doesn’t matter anymore. I mean if you compare her reaction to how she reacted when others betrayed her like Doreah and Jorah she was furious and heartbroken and you could see this written all over her face. But with Varys although she displays a little anger she doesn’t have much of a reaction at all because all of her feelings are muted right now.

Again when she actually executes Varys she displays little emotion. She doesn’t get angry at him or sad, she doesn’t cry or yell she just calmly sentences him to death. If you look at her reaction to the situation compared to others there is a huge difference. Tyrion is naturally very upset by the entire thing as Varys is his friend and Tyrion feels guilt over betraying him. But even Jon looks uncomfortable by it, even he displays some kind of emotion despite not knowing Varys very well and yet Dany shows no emotion at all. Again another side note here but I am curious about Varys putting his rings in that cup next to the pot in which he burnt the note. I do wonder if that is some kind of clue that will allow one of his little birds to find the note and take it to someone who will get the word out about Jon. The note might not have burned all the way as Varys put the lid on which might have doused the flames. Well only time will tell.

Then we get that scene with Jon by the fireplace. Here we have a slight shift is Dany’s demeanour. As a quick side note I think its interesting that Dany sees Jon telling Sansa and Arya as a betrayal, it’s like she’s mad at him for not loving her more than his sisters. I think this is in large part because she never experienced that loving brother/ sister relationship herself. Her own brother was abusive towards her and never really gave her that love or trust that Jon and his own siblings have so she doesn’t understand why Jon would trust his sisters like that when all she knew from her own brother was betrayal. But anyway getting back on track I think during this scene we see a little crack in Dany’s wall and she does display some vunerability and emotion. My heart broke for her when she made that speech about how she has no love here only fear. I think it started to dawn on her last episode at the feast and that feeling of isolation and loneliness has only grown and on top of that she’s got the grief of losing both Misaandei and Jorah. Some of her emotions creep through and we see tears in her eyes and the pain and grief on her face. It’s around Jon these feelings come out a little and she seeks comfort from him, seeks love. Unfortunately Jon is unable to give her what she needs. He to is struggling with his emotions and feelings and isn’t in the greatest frame of mind himself. He had a different upbringing from her and while she doesn’t care that he’s her nephew he is struggling with the fact that she’s his aunt. It no longer feels right to him and he just can’t love her the same anymore. I do think that if Jon had been able to return Dany’s feelings then the following events could have been avoided but instead we see Dany throw that wall back up again only this time she is completely isolated from everyone. Jon was her last link to her humanity and in that moment its severed.

Which brings us to the next scene in the episode with Tyrion in the throne room. What’s important about this scene is that it starts with Tyrion trying to remind Dany that the people in Kings Landing are not her enemies. This is important because it tells us that Dany has forgotten this, you don’t need to remind someone of something unless they’ve forgotten it. The other part that is important is Dany’s respose to Tyrion saying that they were no different from the people of Meeren. Because she does see them as different from the people of Meeren. The people of Meeren turned on the Masters when they saw Dany arrive. They rejoiced her arrival, they gave her their love. The people of Kings Landing did not. They turned to Cersei for protection, they only gave Dany their fear. One of the biggest things I saw people having an issue with is that Dany would never kill the innocent. In some ways thats true she has often been the protector of the innocent or rather the protector of those she believes to be innocent. Because lets be honest this isn’t the first time Dany has killed someone who was innocent, she just believed that they weren’t and so believed she was in the right to kill them. Two examples of this are when she crucified Hizdar zo Loraq’s father only to later learn that he had spoken out against crucifixation himself and wasn’t what Dany believed him to be and then when she executed Dickon Tarly. Who again was just a stupid kid who was standing by his father. Both were innocent and yet on both occasion Dany believed them to be bad people and her enemies. This is important because to understand Dany’s actions you need to look at it through her eyes and in my opinion she didn’t look down at the people of Kings Landing and see innocent people. We the audience knew they were innocent but she saw them as her enemies and so believed she was in the right and her actions were correct. She’s spent her whole life being told that Westeros is her home and the people were eagarly awaiting her return, she came here expecting people to love her and rejoice at her arrival but instead she was met by fear and treated as a foreigner and an outsider.

There’s also the part where she talks about how she’s securing freedom for the future generations. I think this is important because I also believe that to some extent on top of seeing them as her enemies she sees them as collateral damage. Like she’s thinking ok if I kill/sacrifice these people (who are my enemies anyway because they’ve sided with Cersei) then I’ll save more lives in the future. It’s this idea of sacrificing the few to save the many. Another thing worth noting in this scene is once again Dany is displaying very little emotion even when she tells Tyrion that Jaime has been captured and threatens him. Also I do feel like at this point Dany is seeing enemies everywhere. She doesn’t trust anyone, Jon has betrayed her, Varys has betrayed her, Tyrion betrayed her when he spoke to Varys before her, Sansa has betrayed her by telling Tyrion, Jaime has betrayed her by going back to Cersei, the people of Kings Landing have betrayed her by siding with Cersei. In some cases she’s right but in others its irrational to be thinking like that but it doesn’t matter anymore because her mind is already broken.

And so we’ve reached that pivotal moment where she is sitting on Drogon upon the wall and the bells are ringing out across the city. This is the moment the gods throw that coin and we all held our breaths to see where is would land. This is also the moment when Dany begins the final arc of her story. All of characters are now at the end of their stories. Some of them have already began their final arcs, some are at the end of their final arcs but in my opinion this is the moment that Dany’s begins. And in this moment both we as an audience and Dany look back on her journey that has brought her to this moment. I mean lets put ourselves in her shoes for a moment. When those bells rang she got everything she ever wanted, the thing she wanted most that she’s been working towards for 8 seasons, the Iron Throne is hers. In this moment though I was reminded of that quote that Tyrion said to Cersei ‘a day will come when you think yourself safe and happy and suddenly your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth.’ Dany has always wanted the throne and I think a huge part of that is the desire to feel safe to be happy in the home that was stolen from her. This moment should be the happiest moment of her life, she should feel joy and she might’ve for a split second but then that joy turns to ashes in her mouth because as much as this is what she always wanted she never wanted it like this. She’s reached the end of her journey, she’s won her prize but when she looks back at all she’s gone through and all she’s lost she realises the prize was not worth the price. It’s a hollow prize. She has been beaten and raped, betrayed by her closest companions, lost her husband, her children, her friends and now she finds herself with a throne but nothing else. Those she loved most were all taken from her. Now think back to the season 1 finale she tells the Dothraki exactly what she will do to those who hurt the people she cares about ‘those who would harm you will die screaming.’ Then later when she is outside of Qarth she tells them "we will take back what was stolen from me and destroy those who have wronged me. We will lay waste to armies and burn cities to the ground." And as she thinks back on all of this suddenly all of those emotions she’s been holding in come flooding out. The grief, the pain and overshadowing everything else the anger. It’s in that moment that she realises it’s not enough, the Iron Throne no longer means anything to her what she really wants is revenge and so every promise shes made through out the series comes true and she takes what is her in fire and in blood. She takes all of that anger out on the city. Also I do want to say that Emilia did an amazing job in that moment. I mentioned above that I think she did some of her best work in this episode but that moment when she was looking across the city and you could see all those emotions rolling across her face gave me chills. She looked devastatingly beautiful.

When you think about Dany’s journey it really is one of tragedy. She lost at least 8 of those closest to her, at least 5 people have betrayed her, the man she loves turns out to be her nephew and also could be the one to take everything she’s ever wanted away from her. She spent her whole life wanting to return home only to realise when she got there that she didn’t belong there after all. And at the end of it all she’s left completely alone and unloved as she said all she has left is fear. Another thing I think is important to remember about Dany’s character is that she’s never been one to shy away from violence. Her entire stiryline has been littered with her burning and killing others. And yes this is the same of many characters in Game of Thrones but the thing with Dany is she seems to take some kind of enjoyment out of killing her enemies. If you take her reaction to killing and compare it to Jon for example. While Dany enjoys killing those who wronged her Jon struggled with killing his own murderers. Jon has never particularly enjoyed killing anyone. And so because of all of this combined to me her actions made perfect sense and in my opinion very much in line with her character. I think her story was very well written and I look forward to see where it goes in the next episode.

Jaime and Cersei

Now I did say that there were a couple of things I had an issue with in this episode and the biggest of those was Jaime’s arc. In fact I’m very conflicted about how I feel about this one which is why it took me so long to get this review out I was mulling it all over and trying to figure out how I felt about it. When Jaime left at the end of episode 4 I was so sure he was going to kill Cersei I was also sure that was what I wanted to see. But as you all know that didn’t happen. He really was just going back to Cersei and to be honest at the time that the episode aired I was p*ssed about this. I thought it was all really stupid and I didn’t understand anything about Jaime’s storyline in this episode. I thought his fight with Euron was stupid, I thought him returning to Cersei was stupid and I thought his death was stupid and I was very angry about it for days. But this is where the conflicted part comes in. As time went on I began to think more about it and I realised that I don’t think I really did want him to kill Cersei just because she’s pregnant with his child and I feel like having him kill a woman who is pregnant with his child would be as big of a betrayal of his redemption arc and his character.

That being said I’m still not satisfied with how it all ended for him. I mean I get what they were going for with it, it’s this idea that not everyone gets their redemption. And yes I get that it comes from the fact that while we can see that Jaime is a good man who has come a long way and deserves a redemption act and an epically heroic death Jaime himself does not. He doesn’t think he’s a good man in fact he thinks he’s a hateful person and he decides that Cersei is what he wants after all. And yes I can appreciate the poetry of them meeting again after their separation in the same place as where he left her. I didn’t hate every single moment they had in fact there were some parts of their storyline that I loved. That moment when they were reunited I thought was very well done and written. But the one scene that really got to me was their last one. I mean I teared up and got very emotional when Cersei said ‘I want our baby to live.’ To me that scene was soo well acted by Lena I mean I actually felt sorry for Cersei. These were her final moments and in those moments she was the most human we’ve seen her, I think the most vunerable to. It’s been said over and over again throughout the series that Cersei’s one redeeming quality was her love for her children and that really comes through in that moment. She was just a mother who wanted her child to live and she knew that wasn’t going to happen and seeing that devastation Cersei was feeling was heartbreaking to me. That was superb writing, to make the audience feel sympathy for a character who up until this point was one of the most hated characters on the show. The writing for that scene was great Lena’s acting was off the charts and in some ways I was glad Jaime was there with her and their child at the end. I wanted to feel joyous about her death, to be celebrating and instead I felt her pain and fear and I fpound myself hoping she would find a way out of it and that her child would get to live and I never thought I’d be hoping for Cersei to live.

And yet there was still something about Jaime’s storyline that left a bad taste in my mouth. While I was ok with Cersei’s part and her actions which all seemed in line with her character I wasn’t satisfied with Jaime. The thing is there is one thing they could have done to make me happy with everything he did in this episode. And that is if they had shifted the focus onto their child as oppose to Cersei. If they had him say he wanted to save his child and it just happened to be that in order to do that he had to safe Cersei too. Like his main goal was making sure the baby lived I would have been good with it. Because then he’s a father trying to protect his child. They could still have kept everything the same in the episode, him sneaking into Kings Landing, his fight with Euron, him finding Cersei and trying to get her out so they can start a new life together and ultimately failing and dying in the tunnels. But with the focus on him trying to save his child it wouldn’t have ruined his character development and in a way it still would have been a redemption arc, he would have died trying to protect an innocent life. Bonus points if he had also got there in time to persuade Cersei to surrender to Dany in an attempt to protect the people of Kings Landing.

However by having him go back purely for Cersei I do feel like they threw Jaime’s character development out of the window harder than he threw Bran out back in season 1. Only they did a better job than Jaime because unlike Bran Jaime’s arc was well and truly murdered. Ok that might be a little harsh but I do feel like it could have been improved. The thing is it could so easily have been fixed by just having a little more put into it. If we had a few scenes showing Jaime feeling conflicted. Like maybe in that scene with Tyrion when he says Jaime knew exactly who Cersei was but he loved her anyway Jaime could have said something along the lines of I miss her and sometimes I wonder if I should have left her, maybe I belong with her. It would have shown us he was conflicted. Then it would have had the audience wondering who he was going to choose, would he stay with Brienne or go back to Cersei? Instead everyone was completely blindsided by his decision to go back to Cersei because he had barely mentioned her since leaving. He had been all about Brienne from the moment he showed up in Winterfell right up until the moment he left.

I do still think that his fight with Euron was stupid. Like the fight itself was fine, it was tense and kept me on the edge of my seat, it was well choeregraphed. But I was confused by the premise of it or how it fit in with the storyline. Like what was the point of it, I didn’t even really get why they were fighting or what they were fighting over. Was it over Cersei? Was it just because they didn’t like each other? It just didn’t make sense to me. I’d have preferred if Yara had shown up and we had that fight between them.

Now the thing is I’m not sure if its just bad writing or whether I’m just bitter because it’s not what I wanted for Jaime. Like I said there were some parts that I thought were great and as an overall stroy arc I really enjoyed watching Jaime’s. It’s been entertaining to see him go from this prissy prince charming who was way to cocky for his own good to an honourable man who had complex layers. The tragedy of Jaime’s story is that although he got close he was never truly able to escape Cersei and in the end she was his desturction. I do think that she was always going to be his undoing. But as I said if it had been written with a bit more care it would have worked, I’d have understood it and it would have had more of an impact but ultimately I was just left feeling angry and wishing for what could have been.

The Sacking of Kings Landing

However you felt about Dany’s decision you can’t deny that these scenes were visually spectacular as well as gut wrenching. I do think it was a very clever choice to not show anything from Dany’s prespective again, it was all from down in the streets. It put us the audience in the same space as the civilians who were having to live this horror. These scenes really did remind me of the Sacking of Troy like I could see so many similarities and I remember the first time I watched the film Troy and how emotional I got over those scenes and I defintely got the same emotions when watching these scenes. Just that disbelieve of what you are watching, mixed with the horror and the sorrow and even anger at the men who are terrorising these innocent people.

I wasn’t at all surprised by Grey Worm’s and co’s actions. Horrified yes but not surprised. He has had this anger brewing up for the last two weeks over what happened to Missandei. Similarly to Dany I think this was the moment it all came out. As for the Northmen again I didn’t find it surprising. We’ve scene Stark men behave this way before. When Brienne was transporting Jaime they came across Stark men who had killed and hung three women because they had laid with Lannister men. I think their actions were best explained by Jorah way back in season 3 and he says ‘there’s a beast inside every man and it stirs when you put a sword in his hand.’ In this scene he also gives us more foreshadowing, firstly when he asked Barristan if he had ‘ever seen a war where innocents did not die by the thousands.’ and then again when he talks about the first Sacking of Kings Landing when he says he saw ‘butchery. Babies, children, old men. More women raped than you could count.’ I’ve said over and over again that the Game of Thrones series works through parallels and circles and history repeating itself. This was the writers telling us exactly what was going to happen to Kings Landing. It also served to show how war effects not just the soldiers who can be over taken by bloodlust but the innocent civilians who get caught in the middle of it all.

One of the more heart wrentching things for me was seeing Jon’s reaction to it all. Jon has seen battles before but he’s never seen anything like this. His own men became the bad guys. It really hit me to see him desperately trying to stop it and just not being able to. He tries everything, he yells at his men to stop but that fails, he even ends up killing one of his men. Seeing that denial and disbelief as he looks around at all the carnage just pulled at my heart strings. I do think it was quite smart of him to yell retreat and fall back to get his men to stop. He play into their fear and puts it into their heads of we need to leave now or we’re going to die. Which you know was right the city was literally falling down at that point but his men did stop and they did retreat. But I do think this is going to have a very deep effect on Jon, it was one thing to see the woman he loves burn the city down it was another to see the Northmen behave that way, especially when he’s held them in such high regard, we’ve always seen the Northmen as the good guys and as having more honour so to see that questioned is terrifying and very upsetting. I said that I have a theory that Jon will go and join the Wildlings North of the Wall at the end of the series and I actually am even more certain of this now, I really do think this had done a number on Jon and really messed him up.

But the most heart-wrenching moments in this episode were seeing the people siffering through this nightmare. Watching children being burned and seeing buildings falling down on people. But the moment that really made me cry was seeing those people in the street cradling their loved ones who were either already dead or were severely injured with burns and missing limbs and hearing them cry and scream. It messed me up a little. I had to take a few moments to get myself together again. It really did show you the horrors of war. I’m not even sure I’ve really got the words to convey how strongly those moments made me feel. But I said above that this was one of the most visually spectacular episodes and alot of that was shown by the destruction of the city. It was horrifying and yet I could not take my eyes off of the screen. Seeing part of the red Keep fall down into the sea, just crumbling away. Or when the dragon fire literally dissolved buildings. Also as gruesome as it was seeing the charred bodies of the victims. It all looked incredibly realistic.

One last note on this part is the music. As always Ramin Djawadi is a genius. I could spend the rest of my life listening to his score for Game of Thrones. But in particular when you had that slow build with the pulsing in the background like a heartbeat. I mean the while score was amazing but that part in particular stands out in my mind. It almost sounded like the kind of music you’d get in a horror movie.

Tyrion

Ah my poor Tyrion. He has long been one of my favourites but this episode reminded me why. He always tries to do whats right. The last time he was in Kings Landing the people were pretty much cheering for his head and yet despite that he tries everything he can to save them. I do have my issues with him betraying Varys but at the same time I understand that he was trying to do what he thought was right. He clearly didn’t make the decision lightly and was deeply effected by it, That scene with him saying goodbye to Varys showed how much Tyrion really does care.

Also that scene where he lets Jaime go and says goodbye to him. My gosh it was another case of truly amazing acting. There were so many moments in that scene that made me cry and also reminded me of why I love Tyrion so much. When he told Jaime that he was the only one who didn’t treat him like a monster and how he never would have survived his childhood without him really made me appreciate the bond between these two brothers. It was so sad to watch them say goddbye and that hug my poor heart. But the line that got my the most that just made me have so much respect for Tyrion was when he said ‘tens of thousands of innocent lives, one not particularly innocent dwarf, seems like a fair trade’. It really showed how much he cares about the people and the saddest part is that they probably wouldn’t give two hoots if Tyrion were to be killed.

I will admit I am very nervous for Tyrion. I don’t think Dany is going to take too kindly to Tyrion letting Jaime go. The most frustrating part is that Tyrion technically didn’t fail Dany again. He assured her that the people would ring the bells and surrender and then he tried to do everything he could to make sire that happened with minimal bloodshed. And he succeeded. The city surrendered and it was with little bloodshed it was Dany who then went coastal and started burning everything in sight. Yet it is Tyrion who will possibly pay the price. I really hope they don’t kill him next episode. But I am very nervous.

Clegane Bowl

This was just epic. I loved everything about this scene. From the Mountain killing Qyburn to Cersei just peacing out and getting out of there as quickly as possible to the fight itself. Also the location was perfect. That stairway that’s just crumbling away and now leads nowhere. You know that there’s nowhere for either of them to run, this ends here and it ends now. Also that shot of the dragon fire and then Drogon flying over the top was soo cool. Over the top? Probably but I didn’t care I still loved it. I also loved how gritty it was. How it built as well. It started out with the swords but they got closer and closer until eventually it was bare hands, tooth, nails and daggers.

I also loved the throwbacks with the Mountain trying to crush the Hound’s skull the same way he did Oberyn, also the dagger through the eye which is a throwback to two things one is Jory in season 1 who got stabbed through the eye by Jaime. But also that’s the way Arya said she was going to kill the Hound ‘one day I’m going to stick a dagger through your eye and out the back of your skull.’ There is something kind of poetic about the Hound then using that against the Mountain. The fight was tense and violent and I kept wanting to hide behind my fingers everytime the Hound got thrown about. The Hound really had to struggle for this victory.

Also as much as I hated seeing The Hound die his death was still epic. I couldn;t have thought of a better death for him. It just seemed fitting that he dies with his brother and it’s by falling into fire. Again that shot of them both falling from the tower and into the flames below was visaully outstanding and along with the music again it all added to the epicness of it all. So yes I am very happy with how the Hound’s storyline was brought to a close and I think they stayed true to the character all the way through.

Arya and The Hound

Arya’s stroyline this episode was actually my favourite part of this episode. I liked the scenes in the beginning with her and the Hound showing up and basically just telling that soldier I’m here to kill the Queen now get out of my way. I thought that was very humourous and very Arya.

But one scene that I think was so important to Arya’s arc and that really had me tearing up was the Hound telling Arya she had to leave or she’d die here. In that moment I saw a father concerned for his daughter. I do think the Hound has come to love Arya and has alot of affection for her. This scene was just such an honest scene. I also love that it was the Hound that convinced Arya to fight to live and that from that moment Arya fought as hard as she could to live. Also it was so touching to have her call him by his actual name. When she said thank you to him I really do think she was thanking him for everything he’s done for her. It was a thank you for trying to get me back to my family even if it was for money. A thank you for teaching her all those lessons that helped her survive. A thank you for fighting for her. And a thank you for giving her a reason to fight to live. It was also a goodbye. She knew she was never going to see him again. There was just something so sweet and yet so sad about that moment. And again brilliantly written and acted.

I also liked how the juxtaposed Sandor’s fight with the Mountain with Arya’s fight to escape the city. When the Hound fell Arya fell. When the Hound was pulled back to his feet and few moments later so was Arya. The thing that was so poignant about those moments was that knowledge of the Hound was essentially fighting to die and Arya was fighting to live. It’s these two characters that have been so linked and are so similar who are now heading in opposite directions from each other, one towards death and the other towards life.

Another scene that caught my attention was when Arya falls and is being trampled by the fleeing people before she is pulled back up. This scene reminded me so much of when Jon was being trampled during the Battle of the Bastards. In both instances its two characters that had given up on life who suddenly have that desire to live and so they fight their way back to their feet, back to life. I like that they made that connection between them as well as the connection between Arya and the Hound. The other thing I noticed was that Arya was wearing her hair very similar to Jon. In fact there was a scene where they show the back of Arya as she moves through the crowd of people and from the back her hair looks so much like Jon. I don’t know if it has any significance but it did jump out at me in that moment.

Arya’s journey through Kings Landing was so harrowing, like she should’ve died about ten times over and I’ll admit when I saw her laying on the ground with the blood on her face and covered in dust and ash I did think for a moment that she was dead but thankfully she wasn’t.

There were a few things that I did notice though. The first one is the man who stops her, It’s a very quick scene but I don’t think it was an accident that the guy looked so much like Gendry. I mean it took me a hot second to realise that it wasn’t him they looked so much alike. Now it might be the Gendrya shipper in me talking but I do think the show has made efforts to link Gendry with life and the Hound with death within Arya’s story. I don’t think its an accident that right after she decides she wants to live she has an interaction with someone who is the splitting image of Gendry. This is particularly interesting when you pair it with the fact that one of the last things she does before deciding to embark on her journey to death with the Hound is reject Gendry’s proposal. Then one of the first interactions she has after deciding to follow the path to life is with a man asking for his wife. I don’t believe in coincidences this was planned and has significance to Arya’s storyline.

But I think the biggest part of Arya’s journey this episode was that family she tried to save.She comes across them three times. Once when she is entering Kings Landing, then when the Mother pulls her to her feet and then later when she finds them hiding in that house. I again think its important that its a family she interacts with. Firstly because another thing she did when she left Winterfell to kill Cersei was walk away from her family. So this family ties into that, she wants to live and so that brings her back to her family. Also I again think its linked in with Gendry and that original rejection of that life of settling down as lord and lady and starting a family. The man looking for his wife and the family are significant because those were the things she was running away from when she was sure she was going to die but now that she wants to live those are the things she’s running towards.

Another thing I noticed was that the little girl was carrying a toy white horse. Now this seems to be another thing that hold alot of symbolism in Arya’s storyline. In season 7 when Arya decides to return to winterfell she is riding a white horse. When Gendry arrives at Winterfell he is also riding a white horse. Now we have this little girl holding a white horse toy while Arya is trying to escape winterfell. Then of course Arya sees the white horse that she rides out of Kings Landing which I will talk about some more in a moment. BUt the other thing that has symbolism for Arya is the black horse. When the Hound arrives at Winterfell he’s riding a black horse and when Arya leaves with him she too rides a black horse. The other thing worth noting is that heartbreakingly when the mother and daughter are burned the little white toy horse is charred so badly it turns black. To me the symbolism is obvious, the white horse is life and the black horse is death.

The moment that left the most impact on me in this episode was that moment when Arya looks down at the burned bodies of that family, they really did remind me of the ash bodies from Pompeii, I visited Pompeii and Herculaneum a few years back and saw the ash bodies in person, there was one display that showed a whole family huddled together and seeing that mother and daughter reminded me so much of that. But anyway back to what I was saying. The thing that struck me the most was she looks at the bodies and it focusses in on that toy horse and then she looks up and there standing amongst the death, and burning debris and ash is a white horse. I said this was the most visually spectacular episode ever and that shot of Arya approaching the Horse with the ash falling down was the one that took my breath away the most. There was something so tragically beautiful about it. I don’t even know how to properly describe it but well it was just hauntingly georgeous. Also the same can be said of that shot of her rding out of Kings Landing. But this is the moment that she really embraces life. I am excited to see where Arya’s story goes next.

Things that were not so hot.

Above I said there were some things I had an issue with. Now I’m not going to put Jaime’s storyline here because I already talked about it above but ere are some other things that I think definietly needed some improvement.

1) The Golden Company Who? Ok like really, what was even the point of these guys. They literally did nothing but die. There was all this hype about how strong they were and yet all they did was stand outside the gates then get burned. Like fine if they were to be defeated but after all the hype we could’ve at least seen them fight a little.

2) Yara Where Are Ya? So I mentioned this briefly above but it feels like they’ve forgotten about Yara. Like I feel like this was the perfect episode to bring her back into the storyline. She could have snuck up on the Iron Fleet and done a double whammy attack with Dany on Drogon and Yara firing from behind them cornering them in. Also it would have made more sense to have Yara fight Euron than Jaime. But hey that’s just my opinion.

3) Please Sir, Can I Have Some More? This season needed more episodes. I get that D&D supposedly had this vision of a 73 hour or whatever it was movie. But I do think it suffered for it and it would have been better for them to throw that vision out and go for the longer season. I do think Jaime’s storyline would have benefitted from it. Also though I am happy with the pacing of Dany’s storyline others might have been happier with more hints put in there. I just feel like this season needed fleshing out a little more in some places and that could’ve been achieved if they had those extra episodes.

4) And Who Are You Again? Ok so this one is slightly linked to the one above but if they had more episodes they could’ve shown us more Cersei. Maybe it was just me but she just didn’t seem to be in this season very much. I feel like they sacrificed alot of her storyline for the sake of showing what was going on with Jon and Dany. So we only really got a couple of scenes with her before she died. I do feel like they should have explored more of her relationship with Euron because it was such a difference between now and when we last saw them, they seem much closer and more lovey dovey. The same can be said of Sansa and Bran they haven’t been explored as much as they could’ve been again I feel like they’ve been put on the back burner a bit so they can focus more on Jon, Dany, Tyrion and Arya. So we need more focus on some of the characters and that could’ve been achieved if there were more episodes.

Anyway that’s it for this review. Once again these are just my own opinions. As one last word, A friend asked me what my opinion on the leaks were. Well I haven’t read the leaks and I don’t intend to I’ve actually blacklisted that tag though judging from the amount of ‘this post contains’ blocked posts on my dashboard and in the tags I’m assuming something has happened with the leaks. But I will do another review for the final episode and tell you what I think then. I’m both very excited and very nervous for the last episode. Still struggling with the idea that in less than 24 hours the last ever episode of Game of Thrones would’ve aired.

#got spoilers #game of thrones review #daenerys targaryen #tyrion lannister #jaime lannister #cersei lannister #Arya Stark

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starrycuffs · 7 years ago

Text

Can you write an Imagine where Connor betrays the reader in some way Evan did, so The Reader (And Possibly the others) sing 'Good For You'?

CONNOR MURPHY X READER

1,638 words

PT. 1 - PT. 2

⠀ it had been approximately TWO months into your friendship with connor murphy. the story of how you two met was somewhat lengthy, but to put it shortly; the murphy family was not the only family that knew of a la mode. long ago, your families had met there and due to a stroke of luck, your father had landed a job in larry murphy’s law firm. after a company picnic and your mothers sending you two off together because ‘connor just needs some new friends, Y/N, you should just go talk to him,’ the two of you had become close... after about two weeks of trying to be his friend, that is. in the span of these two months; you had witnessed somethings a bit... intense, to say the least.

⠀ you were situated in connor’s room; the two of you laying on his bed listening to an old album of some band you didn’t know the name of. connor had had a stressful day, his family seemed to be at his throat that entire day whether it be about scheduling a hair cut appointment (he liked his hair just fine), or about how they had to go back to school shopping before august (school didn’t start until the last day of august- it didn’t make ANY sense), so , you two decided to just relax today. it was one of the last days you knew that you would be able to spend the entire night together without either of your parents fussing about needing to be up early the next day.

⠀ zoe had a friend over, alana beck, if you could remember correctly. the two were giggling on zoe’s room, shrill laughter filling the hallway of the large murphy home. you could feel the tension in the room growing as connor’s patience had begun to wear thin, his lengthy yet nimble fingers tapping anxiously on his dark bed covers. before you could even think of reaching out to him in an attempt to calm him down, he had picked himself up and out of the room, his boot clad feet stomping obnoxiously down the hallway as his fist collided with zoe’s door repeatedly.

⠀ “can you both SHUT the FUCK up? there are other people living here too, you know?”

⠀ “you could just LEAVE, y’know connor? Y/N has a car!”

⠀ before things could escalate further, you had rushed out into the hallway after him, clearing your throat. “you know, she’s right. we could just leave. go for a drive? calm down a bit?” your voice was soft, not wanting to cause him any added emotion that could set him off. you loved spending time with connor, but you had to admit, sometimes it felt like you were walking on broken glass around him; using the wrong tone or word could result in a meltdown, but you knew it wasn’t his fault either. you had seen him try to control himself, his temper. how his chipped nails would dig into his palm, so tightly that at times it would draw blood, or how his breathing would become deep and ragged as he grew more frustrated. connor was... connor. a complete individual who just needed extra caution.

⠀ he didn’t disagree with your offer as his lips pressed down into a tightline, his tired eyes narrowing into slits as his stare burned into the floor momentarily.

⠀ “i really don’t mind,” you reiterated, your tongue darting out to swipe across your dry lips as his gaze returned to yours. and with that, you tow had ventured downstairs, to your car. that night, you had spent three hours just driving around, listening to music. of course, there was conversation, but it was minimal. but this time gave you the opportunity to really get to KNOW connor- not mentally, but physically. at each stop light, as the red glow of the light would soak into the car and cast over his angular face, you were able to examine his features. the curved bridge of his nose and the bow of his thin lips. how when the wind would pour into the car and splay his hair across the headrest of the passenger seat. each time you had glanced to him, your mouth would go dry. it was this night that you realized that you had feelings for connor. you knew he was more than his aggression, his moodswings, his depression. it was a part of him but not ALL of him. you found yourself resisting the urge to reach over and intertwine your fingers and squeeze tightly, to draw him back to the real world.

⠀ sometimes you wish you had. after that night, connor had been distant, more closed off that he had ever been with you. it was almost as if the two of you were strangers again. as your senior year had rolled around, you hadn’t even seen connor on the first day... nor the three days following it. as it had turned out, connor had attempted suicide for the second time. luckily, it hadn’t been successful. you listened to the students around you whisper about him. about how they all had amazing memories of THE connor murphy and how they felt SO bad for him. fury had slowly built in your chest as you listened to them talk- you knew none of them cared about connor, not before this incident, at least.

⠀ the weeks following connor’s suicide attempt were... strange. when he had returned to school he was swamped with attention and sympathy. each time you would try and go up to him, you would be pushed away by others. according to ‘the connor project,’ evan hansen was his best friend (not you), and despite you knowing how untrue this was, connor WENT with it. you would watch the interviews with connor on facebook... how he NOW had help, how he was going through therapy and how he had made some amazing friends.

⠀ after nearly six months of not talking to connor, you knew that, unfortunately, your heart could not take any more of the neglect from him. no matter how often you had tried to talk to him, he ‘hadn’t seen you.’ no matter how often you tried to text him, he wouldn’t reply. you were preparing for college now- cleaning out your room with your mom. by the end of clearing out anything that wasn’t necessary for the last three months of school and for your future, you had compiled a few random boxes, but one box in particular was of interest. it was filled with miscellaneous things of connor’s, from the nights he would come over after a fight with his parents or zoe, or both. sweaters, a pack of cigarettes, a small baggie of weed (which you had to hide from your mother), a few CDs and a few other random things. rather than throw it out, which you so GREATLY wanted to do out of spite, you decided to bring his belongings to his house.

⠀ after a fifteen minute drive and a practiced speech of what you wanted to say to him- would you be mean? nice? or would you just not say anything? as your knuckles rapped against the oak door that belonged to the murphy’s, your face dropped when connor had answered the door. if you listened closely you could hear a girl calling out to him from the living room. your jaw clenched tightly as you stared up at him.

⠀ “Y/N? what’re you doing here?”

⠀ “bringing over a box of your things. since we aren’t talking anymore, i figured you’d want your shit back,” before he could respond to you, the girl, the one who you assumed was the one you had heard earlier had walked to the door, her nose scrunching once she saw you.

⠀ “who is this?” she asked with a tone of disgust, her brow raised.

⠀ “thats... Y/N... she’s...”

⠀ “i’m not anything to him, don’t worry,” you spat out, shoving the box into connor’s hands. almost immediately, you turned on your heel, a string of obscenities leaving your lips as you began to storm towards your car which was parked on the street.

⠀ “Y/N,” he called after you, dismissing himself from the girl that was by the door.

⠀ as soon as you had seen him following after you, you had stopped in your tracks, “so, you found a place where the grass is greener and you jumped the fence to the otherside.” your voice was soft, your fingers digging into your palm much like his did whenever he was frustrated. “is it good? are they giving you a world i could never provide?”

⠀ as your words were strewn out at him, he stared blankly at you, your finger jabbing into his chest with light force as you finally were able to express your emotions, “well i hope you’re proud of your BIG decision. i hope it’s all you want and more, now you’re FREE of the agonizing life you were living before!” the sarcasm seemed to ooze from your lips unfiltered as your eyes remained narrowed at him. soon, you had walked away from him, towards your car, though it didn’t stop the words from leaving your mouth, drawing attention from strangers around you.

⠀ “and you say what you need to say, so that you get to walk away. it would KILL you to have to stay trapped when you’ve got something new. well i’m sorry you had it rough, and i’m sorry i’m not enough. thank GOD they rescued you.” before connor could even squeeze in a word, you pulled open your car door, your last words leaving your lips softly, barely heard above the wind.

⠀ “i’ll shut my mouth and let you go, is that good for you?”

#connor murphy #connor murphy x reader #dear evan hansen #dear evan hansen imagine #deh #deh imagine #i feel like connor is a BIT ooc at the end?#i'm sorry thAT IT ISN'T THE WHOLE SONG #I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO.... DO THAT #but i imagine the other people singing would be zoe and mAYBE his parents?#but not jared and alana i don't think #maybe alana #IDK IDK IDK #i hope u like it

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i-amusemyself · 7 years ago

Note

1 To 116.

Thanks anon!! Thats my boredom cured for the evening <3

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

I’m actually not confused right now, which is a bloody rarity. I suppose I could say I’m slightly confused about my gender, but I try not to think about that tbh

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

Occasionally, though to be fair I’m never awake in the mornings atm lmao

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

On a rare occasion? No. All the time? Probably.

4: Do you find it easy to trust others?

Fuck no lmao have you met people?

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?

Umm...I was with my bf..

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

Probably my mate from uni @bookdragonphoenix

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

Instant break up. No excuses for that.

8: Are you close with your dad?

Hoo boi that’s complicated! It varies honestly, but more so than some people I guess

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

Yeah

10: What are you listening to?

I’m listening to Ke$ha’s Die Young. It’s a tune okay?

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

Coke Cola (that is how you spell it right? Fuck im dumb). I live off it anyway tbh

12: Do you like hickeys?

Um, I like getting them but I get embarrased if some people see them lmfao

13: What time do you go to bed?

Like 12am? Usually about 2 hours after I’m tired enough to sleep smh

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

Besides me? I guess a couple of people that are...distant friends and possibly a few family members, not to call anyone out

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

Well no lmao

16: Do you always answer your texts?

90% of them

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

I don’t know who I fell the hardest for. I don’t really recall past emotions that well.

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

Todayy

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

3 or 4 people yeah!

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

Fuck me I don’t know. Probably ughhh can I fall asleep pls

21: Is anyone else in the room with you?

Nope. I havent even seen another human today lmao

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?

To an extent, but it’s not always guaranteed unfortunately

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

Fuck no lmao

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

That depends on the definition of fix. If it solely relies on me doing things different, then no. But if it means someone else can themselves be fixed, sure.

25: In the past week, have you cried?

Nah, wish I could though I feel like I need to

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

Grey

27: Do people ever call you by your last name?

Not people I see anymore

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?

Don’t think so. I think people are just busy.

29: Do you have a best friend?

I have multiple

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

Very :/

31: Who was your last call/text message from?

@oneshappyplace bc she loves it when i throw random shit her way and vice versa

32: Are you mad at anyone?

I mean besides the people I have long term issues with? Nah

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Haha yeah

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

20. Oh jeeeeesus christ that’s a scary fucking thought. Nope-ing away from that.

35: How many more days until your birthday?

8 months ish?

36: Do you have any summer plans yet?

I’m going away to quite a few places. There’s more I want to do but I don’t know if it will ever get organised.

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

Besides my bf, not good ones.

Edit: I completely forgot about one of my friends, yes I do

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

Not intentionally. Idk. Don’t ask don’t tell I guess.

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

Yeah bc it aint anyones business

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

I don’t think so.

41: Do you think age matters in relationships?

To an extent. Massive age gaps are weird, especially if one of them is hella young

42: Are you available?

Nein

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

Eyebrow piercing

45: Do you believe exes can be friends?

I guess? I mean I probs couldn’t do that but I guess for others

46: Do you regret anything?

So fucking much omfg

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

How shit I am at communication. I’m really starting to get mad at myself and wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.

48: Did you ever lose a best friend?

In a way, yeah

49: Was your last kiss a mistake?

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

I...am ig

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

Yup

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

Wow this is relentless with the kissing. Yah

53: What was the last thing you ate?

An orange

54: Did you get any compliments today?

Nope

55: Where are you going on your next vacation?

Suffolk for latitude festival. How I ended up going there is a long story lmao

56: Do you own anything from other countries?

Tons of stuff I guess. I mean I’m wearing my ohio state tshirt haha

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?

Girls

58: Where have you lived most of your life?

In the middle of england

59: When was the last time you took a long drive?

Fucking hell, like 7 or 8 weeks ago when I came back to uni

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

Who hasn’t?

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

Nah

62: Who do you text the most?

Probably @oneshappyplace or @apricot-el they get all my bs

63: What was the last movie you saw?

It’s called Chronicle, it was p good

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

Don’t fekkin ask that lmao! Hopefully the fact they’re happy and their ex is now miles away

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

Zero

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

Nein

67: Do you curse around your parents?

Yeah, much to their dislike

68: Are you happy with where you live?

Yeah, but I’m only here for 3 more weeks

69: Picture of yourself?

No chance. Just imagine stereotypical androgenous kid, but lanky af

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

Personally I prefer monogamy

71: Have you ever been dumped?

Um...I actually can’t remember

72: What do you most like about making out?

Feeling wanted ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (sweet sweet depression and anxiety)

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

Nah

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

Strangely enough, me

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

I cannot seriously pick one part

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

You guessed it it’s @oneshappyplace

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

I mean I’m alone

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

Nope

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

Just cute unexpected gestures I suppose

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

I mean, maybe not currently but who knows if I was older

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

Yeah

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

Just my closest friends and the person I have a crush on *eye roll*

83: Do you miss your last sweetie?

84: Last time you slow danced with someone?

Years ago

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

I mean I’ve met them now but yes

86: How can I win your heart?

Be a kind, understanding human being with a damn good sense of humor

87: What is your astrological sign?

Libra

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Bothering friends lmao

89: Do you cook?

Occasionally. I used to a lot more but depression

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

Yeah, but it only ever seems to be me making the effort, so every time I’ve let them go again

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

see like all previous answers lol

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

Monogamous stuff

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

I honestly don’t know. I can never figure out my type, just, hotness lmao

94: Name four things that you wish you had!

Dopamine, money, the power to help others more...thats it thats all I want

95: Are you a player?

Nein

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

Nope

97: Are you a tease?

I can be but not in a cruel way

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

Two people and we’re still close

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

That’s a loaded question yikes. I dont know.

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

I mean I don’t know their tumblr but yh

101: Hugs or Kisses?

Both. I can’t choose. I’m bi.

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?

Probs idk

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

....their face?

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

Sure

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

Not until I knew wtf they were playing at

106: Do you flirt a lot?

I’m hopeless at it

107: Your last kiss?

Yesterday

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

I haven’t kissed that many people, full stop.

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

Yikes see 107

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

The bae tbh

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

I have a p good idea

112: Does someone like you currently?

I fekkin hope so

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

Yeah lmao

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

Serious shit

115: Ever made out with just a friend?

Once when drunk

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?

In a relationship, for sure

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charlottenoiretho · 7 years ago

Photo

“Pity party”

I just don’t reckon I’ll be addressing anymore negative comments, I am not seeking a pity party as some people has accused me of, no I am just enjoying blogging my story, it’s therapeutic and I thoroughly enjoy telling my story, even if nobody was to see it. I don’t want a pity party but I do find it quite refreshing seeing people understand me and my decisions more and more as they see where I am coming from.

It’s nice being completely honest, because I for one am sick of pretending everything is perfectly fine til I get to the point of exploding

. Somewhat but not really recently things have been really interesting, I met a very intriguing person who I became quite infatuated with due to their unique personality, I thought anyway. Just like the sociopath incident of 2017 I realised I was very much doing something quite stupid. I let myself believe that the two sides I saw were completely irrelevant because one side seemed beautiful, one side was the most gorgeous human I had ever laid eyes on. They were kind and intellectual, they were comfortable to be around, the little habits they had were cute, their love of scented candles, gardening, reading books, the way their eyebrows creased up when concentrating on the scratchies they did every day. The other side was a polar opposite, mean, angry, I don’t want to say manipulative but really thats what it was at the end of the day. They’d make me think I was hearing things when I heard them bitching about me, lie to me and make me feel apologetic for suspecting them of doing things they said they weren’t. Admittedly I was not the easiest person to be around at that time, I was heavily ill from my liver and slowly but surely getting worse. My Dr friend was angrily watching me descend into the grave due to stubbornly deciding I wasn't going to stop myself from dying because I felt useless and ugly. I was a repulsive looking sack of bones. I was constantly sleeping and I couldn't do much. It was very depressing.

If I could have died I would have, I tried to overdose on a drug, somewhat anyway, I didn’t really thing much about it as I did it, I wasn’t even really just that sad, I just decided to turn myself off and took more than enough of the drug to kill me. 1hr into it I realised that I was feeling my lungs lose capacity and I suddenly recognised I had actually potentially killed myself, this is one of those drugs that if you overdose on the hospital can do nothing but really monitor you and hope for the best. I won't say what it was in case anyone gets any ideas to make such a decision. It was a stressful few hours and the hospital staff mocked me, I felt horrible. I felt my lungs slowly collapsing and I cried. I was in the hospital crying flashing back on my life realising how alone I felt. How I at the end of the day kept investing in the wrong people. I hear a familiar voice “Is ******* in here?”, I was shocked. how did they find me, why did they come, I loved that voice, it made me instantly calm and happy. I looked at them when they sat next to me looking a tad bewildered at my wild state. They looked very confused and concerned, “are you okay?” they said, “no can we run away from here” I replied, “hmm shouldnt we stay here?”, “no I want to see the sunshine and feel the breeze”, and so we left.. I felt wildly free and happy. I had a person I admired and if I was to die at least it wasn’t staring at those 4 walls, it was free with them. I felt my lungs slowly give up, time was running out on the drugs effects but it seemed that my ability to fight it was running out too. I stared at them lovingly, I admired every part of this beautiful human being. as the clock ticked I just quietly sat there admiring this person, thinking they were such a lovely sight to end my life seeing. THANKFULLY as the time ran out I realised my laboured breathing was no more! I was able to breathe, I was so excited. I pretty much jumped for joy. Thank fuck for my tolerance to drugs and my resilient body. It was frustrating for them though, they seemed to want the best for me for a while, but that turned to distance and anger when they realised I was more than just sad, I was a depressed sick girl and not good for much else than wallowing in self pity when I wasn't knocked out cold to the world. I eventually got so angry and moved away when we had a big fight. They cuddled me and told me we’d make it, we’d get there because they loved me. I was shook. Admittedly I fell back in the cycle, and then of course all the bad things started showing more and more. I realised after a while I was being played. I wasn’t just a side piece to them sure but I wasn't this person they claimed to love. I was shit to them really. Must have been. I was told they were on dating sites, a claim I unfortunately realised was true and going on the whole time... Not even going to go into the other stuff.... I was wrecked, I based my whole recovery on them, I wanted to be better for them so that they’d be happy. Fucking silly girl, I know, not the first time either that I did that. fast forward past suicide attempts and letting myself die I finally snapped, no longer was I sad, I was angry. I was going to fucking kill them, not really of course, I was going to get better to spite them. I’d find my place and fuck off with as much impact on their emotional state in regards to liking me as I could.. I never ended up being able to really do much to hurt them, I’d feel sad every time I was about to, but I did get better, I did find my place in the world again, regained my best friend, I ended up emotionally freezing over, I felt back to my old self. Cunty, angry and happily devious. I started doing my thing and its made me feel so much better. I no longer am phased by them and their life, I don’t want to ever feel anything again for another human unless they really are worth it. I won’t let myself, I have let the ability go. I consider it for one person I know but yet again, thats a story for another post.

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commiemoth · 8 years ago

Note

bbbb all of the adorable asks are so cute >////< im asking u, All of them

Bbbbb im happy i answer!! >\

2- my favorite color use to be purple definitively but now i cant choose unless its color combinations, my current favorites are: cyan + red, bronze + patina-green, silver + deep blue, black + cyan or neon blue, black + gold, white + goldIf i Really Really had to choose only one tho i think it would depend on my mood? Blue for sad, deep blue for calm, gold for energetic/confident, cyan for floaty, silver for dissociating?

3- no but!!!! I really want to! As soon as im out of my parents house im gonna do eyeshadow all the time as soon as i learn how! (Hopefully ollie can teach me because their eyeshadow looks are fucking #Iconic)

4- Yes yes yes!!!! In love right now and its better than ever before!!

5- ive been hesitant about this because last time i thought this it ended b a d l y but!! This time feels really different! I feel the connection and honestly i think yes!!

6- i think when im by myself im incredibly pessimistic and realist and accepting of it but with most other people im very optimistic for them i think? Even if im not for myself :/

7- ive had my first kiss already unfortunately :/but! First kiss with someone who actually cares and loves and respects u is completely different!! So my ideal first kiss would probably be leik after a moment of really spontaneous and overwhelming happiness between us? I think it would feel natural and comftorable and nice even if we’d both be awkward blushy babies about it >\\

24- ive gotten my nails painted before it was really nice! Im going to start doing it regularly once im out of the house and i hope ill eventually be gud enough to paint little designs on them!

25- idk wat this is asking leik, confessed wat? Id think yes and leik if confessed just as in telling something they wouldnt tell anyone else then yes, im honored that someone places that much trust in me when they do and i try to protect the secret/confession with my life

26- gggggg i used to lie so much all the time leik little lies to make myself more interesting/cooler but i dont do that anymore thank gosh, i only lie now to protect someone’s safety/identity , protect my own safety, or when talking to adults because i dont trust them, when its morally justifiable, or when ive been asked too by a confidant

27- ollie!!! (Everything about them) and also songs that are really energetic and (happily) nostalgic for me, and also cute animals! Or hanging out and havin a gud laugh with friends, im more likely to smile in stress free environments!

28- ggggg gosh i cry all the time in books and movies, i cried at finding dory, and at guardians of the galaxy vol 2, and at swiss army man, and at steven universe a lot, and at attack on titan sometimes when i used to watch it (not anymore) anything i read that has a major character death makes me cry, i cried at the Dragons overwatch short for hanzo and genji, im big baby :/

29- i think i had a crush on a girl in elementary school when i was still straight and she was the most popular pretty girl in school, boring het stuff :/

30- marriage sounds really nice! Not that important tho it just seems leik part of the whole big thing of the different levels of “making it official” but it would be nice and fun!!! Kids are scary! Too much responsibilty and i, kinda dont leik them :/

31- im very superstitious sometimes, a couple years ago i saw the picture of the russian sleep experiment creepy pasta and its haunted me and my halfasleep mind until a few months ago last year thats not really superstitious i guess but im always very irrational about things leik that, leik if a noise happens at night then my brain goes: “its the [a creepy picture i saw that day] monster here to get you” and it really sucks sometimes but ive been a little bette with it lately! (Ps, Do Not look up the russian sleep experiment, it might not be the same for you but it was terrifying for me and had a lasting effect)

32- my 3am thoughts are ollie!! Its much better thinking about cuddling them instead of thinking about if everyone i know hates me secretly or wat went wrong on that particular day (although ive been doing better on that too)

33- i leik candy a lot!! My favorites are snickers, swedish fish, cinnamon gumdrops, chocolate (either chili or caramel), jolly ranchers, skittles, and sometimes airheads, i used to l o v e poprocks but i dont see then around anymore :l

34- halloween!!! Its my favorite time because its not too cold to have to stay inside and still cold enough for cool fashion options and also halloween itself!! Its fun! :D

35- my favorite season is winter!! It lets me stay inside and watch the pretty snow while i drink hot cocoa and play video games :3 fall is a close second!! Most of fall is cool enough to still be outside and the cold weather suits me even if its sometimes gives me colds!

36- i feel leik a dog would help me be happier because they generally more energetic? But a cat suits my personality much better and i feel leik we might get along a little easier , both are gud and no preference tho!!!

37- im really quiet i think!! I try not to talk at all unless its with people i already know, but the more comftorable i am with someone the louder i am with them!!

38- my favorite time period is medeival or far-future! Medieval only when in fantasy with dragons and magic and stuff because Real medieval times kinda sucked but: the knights! The samurai! And far future because space travel and sightseeing on distant planets!!

39- bowties? There still kind of around tho i guess, cloaks and swords or also full plate armor (bring! Them! Back!)

40- hhhhh i never remember my dreams but the worst nightmares are where i wake up and cant breathe leik sleep paralysis im pretty sure (that combined with russian sleep experiment is h e l l but thankfully that doesnt really happen anymore) and the best dreams ive had are when ollie is in them!!

41- i used to be really afraid the dark but im still sometimes just as afraid so i guess that doesnt count? I used to have dreams where the little one eyed dudes id make out of my erasers would turn evil and stand on my chest and id wake up with sleep paralisys so? Thats something i guess :/

42-43 are skipped in the list?

44- i try my best!! Ollie knows :> im [Incapable] of flirting with anyone if they dont also flirt with me and i know that they leik me too tho so i havent been flirting much the past couple years till now :l

45- my style currently is kinda blandish i think? Dark or cool colors with a graphic teeshirt (sometimes of things that i dont even leik anymore) and black or blue skinny jeans (sometimes a bleached white pair, theyre my favorite) and some matching color of converse, sometimes i wear flannels or button ups and sometimes bowties too! But not as often

Ideal style: crop top, flannel, sunglasses, short short jean shorts, cool socks that go past my knees, matching converse!

46- hell yeah i blush!!!!!!!!! Sometimes i blush when people are really nice to me but most times its from romantic stuff because i get flustered and blushy So Easily!!

47- every once in a while my depression comes back and most of the time it doesnt stay for lomg but while its here i feel everything at once while wanting to feel nothing and its so overwhelming or i feel nothing at all while wanting to feel at least one thing and it makes my heart hurt, most of the time tho i lean more on the side of feeling everything! Feelings are gud and i leik them!!!

48- im definently a crier! Cried basically for 3 years straight, but ive only cried happy crying a couple times, definitely a few tho, i smile a lot! I think! I try to, i think smiles are really nice and there needs to be more of them in the world, ive been smiling a lot more the past couple months for sure :3Thanks for askin and!! @got to answer the same asks! Not all if u dont want to but just the ones u want :>

#ollie #@gothicmoth #asks #5th ask!!!#food/#cynanide/#abuse/

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sassyhottubstrawberry-blog · 7 years ago

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Cheapest motorcycle insurance?

"Cheapest motorcycle insurance?

Im 16 and Im thinking about buying a small sports bike. like a Kawasaki Ninja 250 or Honda CBR250R. I have a my license and a clean driving record. If i just wanted to be covered for Bodily Liability and Property Liability, what company do you think would offer the cheapest insurance? I know that under my circumstances insurance will be disgustingly high, but i want a bike that bad.

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://averageinsurancecosts.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr