#developer commentary

[ossyflawol]

Why exactly does Chell tie the jumpsuit around her waist instead of wearing it? I mean I can pretty much guess why but I think I've seen someone say the devs said the exact reason so it would be nice to know that

In Portal 2’s developer commentary, they talk a lil about the design choices for Chell. A developer commentary node by Realm Lovejoy explains a bit of the process behind redoing Chell, and she shares this tidbit about her jumpsuit:

“…we didn't want players to not recognize her, so we kept a lot of the iconic elements like the color orange. She has folded down her jumpsuit to show she has essentially rolled up her sleeves and shed some of the Aperture label...she is awake again to test, but stronger and more determined than ever.”

In short - it’s just to show her independence, she is no longer just another Test Subject at Aperture Science, she is Chell.

[generic-sonic-fan]

when writing for sonic characters, are there any Particular renditions of their voices that you hear?

Interesting question!

I do daydream a lot about these characters (that's where my fics come from!) and each has their own distinct voice in my head, but their voices aren't from any specific voice actor/game! If I have to be more specific, I guess you can say that each voice is a blend of a variety of game voices, tuned to what I think is most pleasant.

What's more important for me while writing, though, is the distinctive phrases or sentence syntaxes that each character uses! It's less about the "sound" and more about the cadence and rhythm. An obvious example with a solid contrast in character voice is the difference between Omega and Sonic's speech in "I Can't Accept All This". Allow me a quick experiment, if you will:

--

“Do you want to stay down here or something?”

“For being the individual responsible for educating Shadow on ‘the power of friendship’, it seems you do not trust your friends.”

“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“I have activated my emergency transponder. Help is on the way.”

“How do we know the signal’s gotten through all this concrete? Have you got a response from anyone?”

“Negative. There has been no response.”

“Then we could be stuck down here until we do something! Come on, work with me here, dude!”

“Did you inform anyone as to the location of your mission before you arrived here?”

“Did you?”

--

Omega speaks very formally, with long sentences and complete phrasing. Sonic, meanwhile, uses shorter, choppier phrases, sometimes with interjections or other slang words. Omega also doesn't use contractions whereas Sonic does. Even with the removal of Omega's speech quirk of using all caps, it's fairly obvious who's saying what in the dialogue above, even though I tried my damndest to pick dialogue that didn't have other context cues as to who was saying what.

Other characters have different speech quirks. Silver is rambly and has trouble communicating exactly what he means, Rouge uses a TON of cliché phrases and likes punctuating with pet names, and Shadow is actually my most "neutral" character voice, as he speaks evenly, plainly, and with just a slight tinge of formality.

I create these speech patterns for every character that I write with based on observations from canon game lines, but also a heavy dose of fanon from other fics that I read. So really, I guess this answer isn't so different from the one I gave regarding the voices I hear in my head- it's sort of a blend of everything, with a healthy dose of my own fine-tuning to even it out.

I could make a whole other post on how I flesh out a character's internal narration, but that's getting too far away from the question you actually asked, so I'll leave it at that.

[monkmain2]

I noticed something weird on the wiki- on the developer commentary page, the slugcat they use in the gif is a custom color. This happens literally nowhere else on the wiki, so I thought it was kinda weird. So I made this guy.

The Archivist

Normal stats

Starting room: SS_D08

Starting karma: 1(5)

Starts with mark: yes

Can maul: no

Food per hibernation(maximum): 6(10)

All other stats are survivor stats

Starving stats

Regular starving stats

Additional abilities and stats

If you swallow a colored pearl, you will gain a pip for a new passage called “the archivist”, and the pearl will be turned into a blank pearl. Once you get this passage, you can go to pebbles and he will give you full karma (echos don’t raise your karma) and you can ascend.

The mark looks like a developer commentary node.

Double jump that makes the particle effect of picking up a developer commentary.

Starting inventory

A spear in your left hand

General and world changes

Artificer’s map.

Pebbles can’t kill you and isn’t annoyed by your presence.

Dangerous creature spawns are nerfed.

[deathofawish]

Death of a Wish on AQUALOUNGE this Sunday at 8pm est!

The developers of Death of a Wish will be providing commentary on this Sunday's edition of aqualounge.tv, the experimental art+music+games twitch stream!

The stream will also feature the first look at never-before-seen gameplay, so you won't want to miss it!

The event starts this Sunday, July 30, at 8pm est/5pm pst on twitch.tv/aqualounge_tv. Come by, ask questions in chat, and tell your friends! We hope to see you there.

[oglegost]

i dont want to tell you why i made this... i- iii-i really donttt iii- i dont i dont think so nono uhh i really dont.. this- this is too much nono really no... NOOOO..... ... fuck you >:-(

[severecorp]

we just uploaded a new video to our youtube channel. check it out.

(this is only for the people who have played this game, so go play ja3 first)

[zentendo]

Braid: Anniversary Edition - Nintendo Switch Release in Question as New Launch Date Emerge

In a surprising turn of events, the highly anticipated Braid: Anniversary Edition, initially slated for release on the Nintendo Switch, has now excluded the portable console from its upcoming launch on April 30, 2024. The game is set to debut on PlayStation, Xbox, Windows, and even Netflix’s subscription service, leaving Switch enthusiasts questioning the change in plans. The official…

[8uny]

From the Director's Q&A, how the Hero Tower works.

The top 100 heroes get to live there. Lowest rank at the bottom, highest at the top. The top ten heroes get an entire floor to themselves. In the center of the tower is an express elevator just for them. The two orange highlighted areas are 'training rooms'. The green is living accommodations, the image on the right is a cross-section. It's three rooms per floor. There's three ordinary elevators for them. 1 lobby+30 ordinary floors+2 'training' floors+10 luxury floors+the roof. Top left is luxury elevator, middle left is normal elevator, bottom image is lobby.

Plus some images of it from the show

If you look carefully, the top ten floors are literally numbered 1-10 on the outside

[lloydfrontera]

on the topic of jealous javier i love the idea of lloyd bemoaning that no one ever approaches him and complaining about how everyone in lorasia must be incredibly superficial if him having a plain face is enough to make people dismiss him out of hand and being blissfully unaware of the amount of poor souls that try to get close to him only to be met with the most handsome and terrifying motherfucker on the planet glaring murder at them over lloyd's shoulder daring them to try it just fucking try it

[skysometric]

dev commentary time! every once in a while i am struck with a vision of a fully formed scene for a game, or a comic, or a video… and the vision feels so strong, looks so real, that i have to drop everything to bring it into reality. whether i have to learn new skills, or it pushes my abilities to their limits, it doesn't matter; the vision will not leave me until i have made it real. such is the nature of my adhd daydreaming curse.

most famously, if you've read all of the other dev commentaries so far, this is how the Red Coin Remixes were born – a vision of extra challenges for my silly little 12 level pack, turning it into 24 and then 32 levels as the vision iterated and grew. this was the central reason why Retrush took nine years to finish, and a cautionary tale on the dangers of scope creep.

so when i had another big vision, just two months before i intended to finally release Retrush… i was more than a little concerned!

the vision is almost exactly as you see it in the video: my oc Rivers congratulates the player at the end of a long journey, complimenting the player's confidence for having cleared every level, while a special song plays over a sunset beach scene matching the song's ambient waves. as it played and replayed in my head, it was so beautiful, so fitting… that i HAD to add it somehow. even though it was intimidating.

but why was it so intimidating? it was surely not the writing, as i knew exactly what i wanted to tell the player. nor was it the fear of overscoping myself, as i decided to limit myself to four extra secret coins. nor even was it the technical work of tracking and saving completion, a system that doesn't exist natively in Mari0 and had to be manually added via the game's event system…!

no, it was two very specific things that intimidated me most: the music, and the sprites of Rivers – both skills that i had tried and failed to cultivate in the past. but for each of these, i had a new blessing that i did not have before.

the song, Last Wave, plays at the end of OutRun, a Genesis-era arcade game with gorgeous FM synth music throughout. it's not an 8-bit NES song, though, and all of the other music in the level pack is in NES style. and no matter where i looked, no NES covers of it existed.

but i could hear it in my head…!

so my plan was twofold. worst case scenario, i could just drop the original song in – i doubt anyone would've cared too much about the style clash. but Plan A was to ask my musically talented partner @harmonyfriends to cover the song for me... in a style that she had never tried before.

and to both of our surprise, she pulled it off! she was able to split the original FM synth into its constituent parts, transcribe it in Famistudio, and arrange the song using the VRC6 expansion – the same expansion chip used by most of the other NES arrangements in Retrush. the results are absolutely incredible and they elevate the scene far beyond anything i could do on my own!

(i paid her for her work, of course~)

long story short, the first blessing i didn't have before… was my partner. long ago, when i wanted to add my own music to Retrush, i tried to do it all alone – and got just short of nowhere. now i'm not working alone anymore! i have help!

that brings us to my final magic trick: the sprites and animations for Rivers… which, by contrast, is art that i did all on my own.

see, the whole reason Retrush looks the way it does – made entirely of recolored and lightly edited tiles from the original SMB games – is that i've never really been a sprite artist. all of my level packs over the years have used existing assets from other games and artists; the most i've ever done is re-arrange them for use in Mari0's engine, or maybe edit a few pixels here and there to make them flow better or fit a specific scene. outside of that, i tried to avoid making sprites as much as possible; my few attempts at custom sprites always came out rather shoddy, in my eyes.

so when i saw the grand vision in my head… i instantly knew what the most intimidating part was. it was the prospect of making custom sprite work for Rivers.

by the time i launched the beta, i had just put together the outline for the secret ending. all the text and scripting was there, but Rivers… was not. in her place was a line of text saying "pretend that Rivers is standing here."

a little too goofy for the impact i was aiming for... though one of my playtesters said they still cried at the ending.

when my playtesters got back to me with feedback about the rest of the mappack, i got to work on tweaking the levels, adding new quality-of-life features, fixing bugs… everything other than making sprites for Rivers. i procrastinated until the last minute, as my fear very nearly got the better of me…

finally, on the last Friday before Retrush was set to release, i cleared my day and dedicated it solely to sprite work. i expected to hammer my head against the wall all day and night, only to chicken out at the last possible second, with a single, motionless, half-baked sprite of Rivers standing at the end.

instead, in three hours, i had all of this.

that's her!

see, even though it's "just" recolored SMB sprites, Retrush is the most that i've ever experimented with custom tiles and spritework. all of the animated tiles are still just heavily edited versions of existing SMB assets – but i got to experiment with different effects and styles. looking back, i can see a throughline of growth from the waterfalls in Pineapple Pipeline, to the train tracks in Toffee Tracks, up to the wave effect in Fillet Fjords… each of these is just an effect applied to an existing tile, but making these by hand helped me understand the composition of the tiles and why the effects worked to create the illusion of movement.

then, without me realizing it, my abilities grew. the Retrush logo was my first custom logo, and possibly the first custom sprite art that i ever finished and released. the custom eel sprites in Tilapia Trench were my first ever character animation. the bone fish in Vegetable Vat, while loosely based on the sprites from mario maker, are custom sprites – the first time i ever made rotated adaptations of existing sprites. my technical prowess grew without me ever noticing…

and, apparently, it was enough for me to bang out a character sheet in an afternoon.

now, that was far from the end. in fact, all the sprites above ended up going unused – because they all face right, and i need them to face left in the final. but it wasn't hard to flip the sprites, move the flower, add some more expressions…

you've seen this before, haven't you?

in doing so, i even got to attempt a full turnaround, which i used for looking towards and away from the horizon. but even this kind of technical work was more fun than frustrating, and it didn't take long for me to complete the rotation!

good day to fly a kite, by the looks of it...

also, because the wind effect only plays when facing the horizon, these front shots of the wind effect also go unused. but they were a GREAT base and a huge help for the rest of the sprite sheet…

still not 100% happy with the scrunched grin on this...? expressions in general were probably the hardest part.

one little detail i'm extra proud of is her little nervous foot shuffle. i've never animated anything like it before, and it looks great in motion!

"in celebration of the upcoming launch of Retrush, i made some Rivers sprites to use as my pfp! these turned out a lot better than my last attempt and i'm pretty proud of how far i've come as an artist 💙" — April 23rd, 2023 via Twitter.

finally, here's the promo tweet i made for using the Rivers art as my avatar… i almost didn't want to do this, i wanted Rivers to be a surprise! but i was so proud of the sprites that i wanted to share some of them early, and i'm glad i did – this my favorite avatar i've ever had, and the full animations ended up surprising most players anyway.

where did i suddenly get this skill? i asked myself at the time… but it wasn't sudden at all. the rest of Retrush taught me all the skills i needed. all i lacked was the courage to use them.

so if the first blessing that i didn't have before was my partner, then the second blessing i didn't have before… was confidence. the very same confidence that i wanted to impart to the player, right here at the finish line.

turns out, i needed that confidence just as much.

and i meant every word of it.

our work together – her music, and my sprites – are the last things we added to Retrush, the night before release. fitting that it would end this way, after nine years of ADHD workflows, procrastinating on challenging endeavors, pinballing between levels. the last completed piece was the finish line itself, and i'm so happy that i could properly greet players at the end, just as i had so strongly envisioned.

38 posts later, this is also the last developer commentary post… as much of an adhd mess it was to write and schedule these too. but the mess doesn't matter – because when my memories have faded in a year or two, these blog posts will be the journal pages that i cling to, the last vestiges of the development stories i can no longer remember. i hope you've enjoyed them too, that you found some insight and lessons to take with you on your own journey!

one day, when i get to make another game, we'll do this again! i'm sure i will have a lot to share, and i hope you'll be there for it too. for now, though, i am going to take a break from big projects and work on smaller things. nine years is a long time, and i think i need the space to rest and get my IRL in order before i tackle something big again.

but i'll still be writing, streaming, designing, creating… and maybe even spriting. i hope you enjoy my smaller things too, and i hope we keep sharing new things with each other for a long time.

until then, thank you for reading. 💙💜🩷

Secret Ending | Retrush

After clearing EVERYTHING in Retrush, we arrive at the end of the road… where I pour my heart out to the player. Whether you've unlocked this yourself or simply watched along, thank you for joining me on this journey 💖

(Note that the "perfect stars" you get for clearing the stages without dying are NOT REQUIRED to see this ending – you simply need to clear all 16 remixes and get all 4 secret coins, no matter how many deaths it takes.)

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

Why The Ending Sucks

Ok I figured it out. Hear me out:

The entire comic has a running theme best summed up as "who is controlling the narrative, and why are we listening to them?"

Hussie plays a caricaturized version of himself that he describes as "buffoonish" and "oafish". Caricature!Hussie is well-meaning, but a dumb idiot who's incredibly biased in favor of certain characters and in disfavor of others (the most obvious example being his "love" of Vriska, but there's also the way he constantly disparages Eridan). As a result, you have to be VERY SKEPTICAL and VERY CAREFUL when approaching Homestuck's narration, because even when the "best" narrator is at the helm, he's not 100% trustworthy and incapable of giving the readers an unbiased view of the story.

I say "best" because, importantly, Hussie isn't the story's only narrator. He and Doc Scratch explicitly fight over control of the story - Doc Scratch, the child abusing predator who engineered Alternia's fascist murder society, whose shaping of its history is explicitly described by character!Hussie as "fanfic". He is then killed by Lord English, who is described by Hussie as embodying the "toxically masculine" and by extension, the patriarchy, and Caliborn explicitly takes control of the story. John even grapples with Caliborn's version of events, calling out how sexist and misogynistic and shitty it is.

So if we're keeping score: control over the narrative is LITERALLY wrested away from Hussie (who was already struggling to be unbiased) by fascists, abusers, and the patriarchy. It's stressed multiple times that Caliborn/LE are responsible for literally everything that ever happens; the reason the Game Over timeline ends the way that it does is because the alpha timeline is, in essence, the narrative LE is telling: the forces of fascism get to claim the new universe, thereby propogating itself, while friendship dies and all hope is lost.

Who's in control of the narrative, and why are we listening to them?

There are other minor examples of this, too: Aranea is an exposition fairy, and she's biased as fuck and wrong ALL THE TIME about her own teammates. Karkat's explanations and rationalizations are constantly tinged with his own self-loathing and self-blame. Sollux and Meulin are both prophets as per their Mage class, but are both so bogged down by their own emotional issues that the futures they pick out are actively harmful. So on and so on. At nearly every turn, you have to interrogate who's telling the story, what their motivations are, and what they're overlooking or deliberately obfuscating.

So given that this theme is so prevalent, and so thoroughly weighted toward "well, actually, maybe you shouldn't take narration at face value and should interrogate it and come to your own conclusions," it would be Really Weird for the story to go "actually, you can totally trust the narrative now because everyone gets a happy ending".

So, I know that it makes me sound like a conspiracy theorist, but here's my genuine take on Homestuck's ending:

The ending is shitty on purpose because the viewer is intended to take it as a dare to refute the narration and make something better.

Why are we letting character!Hussie tell the story? He's a biased idiot. Why are we letting the various avatars of LE and Caliborn tell the story? They're fascist, misogynistic, predatory assholes.

And - because Homestuck is a story about life - why are we letting idiots, assholes, abusers, and creeps dictate the story of real life? The world is full of forces that would try to take control of the story and make everyone else play along, represented in microcosm within the text of Homestuck. We cannot let those forces win.

So please go out and do something kind and hopeful and loving in the world today. Thanks for reading.

[sunjestic]

director's commentary for the Kintsugi comic i posted last week. i put a lot of thought into it, and i really wanted to talk about it.... i am a yapper

i am once again begging y'all to read this fic-

[shyjusticewarrior]

Character development

[daily-xisuma]

[216] MOVING BPS!!!!

[anyoldfandom]

I just had. A devastating realization.

In episode 3, when Six says "In our line of work, we need to be careful. People we pull into this life, they can too easily get caught in the crossfire."

And that always stood out to me bc it feels pretty personal, but we don't actually know who he's talking about. Not Holiday - she was in Providence before they met. Not One, he brought Six willingly into the life, and people don't really turn due to exposure with EVOs, so Six wouldn't have "pulled" him into anything. Maybe White getting bleached, but that was more a result of his own actions.

I always kind of thought it was a character we never met, an ambigous "someone" that died in his past, but on a rewatch today, it clicked that while Rex was talking about Circe...Six was talking about Rex.

Six brought Rex to Providence when he could've brought him anywhere else. Providence would've believed the robot destroyed - they did believe the robot was destroyed. Thry definitwly had no reason to link it to this kid. But Six brought this child, this EVO, to a place where he had earlier that day watched them kill another EVOfor research, where they had other human EVOs explicitly caged to deconstruct. He took Rex into the lion's den to show Holiday, and Rex had no idea. Six could've been more careful, and taken Holiday to see Rex instead.

But he was emotional. He was tired from seeing One suffer, tired of killing people and monsters, tired of fighting an endless war. It's very possible that working for Providence is what turned Six from that shitty, cocky guy he was 20 years ago into the tired soldier he was when he met Rex. He saw hope, an opportunity to save people, to save his father and bring hope to the only other person who seemed to care about EVOs beyond killing them.

And for that, Rex suffered. White suffered. Six watched the man he loved be forced into an office and the child and hope he wanted to protect fall under Providence's grasp. He pulled Rex into the life because he wasn't careful, denied him any semblance, any opportunity of a normal life. Six became Rex's protector, but he can't protect Rex from the very thing he pulled him into - the mistake he made because he let hope and desperation drive him.

And...it also makes me wonder. Do you think he feels he doesn't deserve Rex? Do you think his heart drops when Rex jumps headfitst into danger? When he sees the kid hurt on the field, or pushing himself past his limits to save people - do you think Six feels guilty he's in that situation? If he'd been just a little smarter, this child wouldn't be suffering. More people overall would be hurt, sure - but the child he cares about, the child who made him into a better man, would be safe. It's a selfish thought from a man who has only known the selfish life of a mercenary for so long, a man we see selfishly cling to hope with One's suffering.

And part of me wonders if that's part of the reason why he trusts Rex, but he tries to play it by the rules first at the beginning of the show. Thay beyond just protecting Rex, he feels responsible for this current danger Rex is in, and that the best he can do is protect Rex as much as he can, to take the brunt of the consequences of Rex's rebellion and stunts on himself.

[kohakhearts]

goh parentified child syndrome. go(h)

my time is here at last. thank you for enabling me <3 apologies for taking months to finish writing this giant post!

welcome to my dissertation on this fucking Dynamic <3

ok! first thing, let's establish our criteria for Parentified Child Syndrome. this is obviously not like, an actual diagnostic Thing, but there are a million and one articles out there for us to look through. so i did the tough work of scouring those to find some Symptoms we can use as anchor points here. a lot of this is split into "emotional" (parents seeking comfort from their children, rather than comforting them) vs. "material" (parents assigning their children responsibilities that are not age-appropriate (e.g. grocery shopping, paying bills, etc.)) needs, but for simplicity i'll just merge them together - because realistically, they often go hand-in-hand. so the primary symptoms we'll work with here will be:

disruptive childhood behaviours (particularly at school)

stress and anxiety

reluctance to participate in play/age-appropriate activities with their peers

difficulty acknowledging and accepting one's feelings

insecure attachment styles

need to feel "in control"

distrustful of others/self-reliant to a fault

absenteeism and poor performance in school

passive communication style

the other obvious prerequesite here is the family dynamic. so let's dissect that one a bit!

goh's family situation isn't actually like...100% clear. but i have analyzed every episode where his family is even mentioned like it's my full-time job and i have no reason to believe his grandmother actually lives with him. so in the scope of this essay, i am assuming that she lives nearby, and most likely has a key to the apartment, but does not live with them.

otherwise, we are given enough context to assume that camille and walker have been busy with work goh's entire life (though i'd choose to believe for my own sanity that in his infancy his mother at least wasn't working...though given the type of job she has, that's actually...kinda hard to say for sure). we can also assume that they've at least been self-employed for the majority of his life. it's clear that they are fairly well-established in the city/in their field by jn, and since goh is supposed to be 10 at this point, it makes sense to me that they've been building that company up pretty much his whole life.

in terms of the work they do, goh tells ash, my dad is a system engineer and my mom is a programmer. they run a company together. granted, we don't see very much of their actual workplace, but what we do see is completely void of other people. as in, camille and walker do all this work BY THEMSELVES.

nothing in the anime otherwise disputes this! if anything, goh's explanations of his parents' lifestyle just reinforces it. he also suggests that during periods of harsh weather and heavy system use, his parents are busier than usual. this implies that they are most busy during holidays. this is actually further implied by the flashback in jn015 where they explicitly say to him that they're sorry for having to work through the holiday. his reaction, being completely unengaged, not even really even acknowledging it, tells us that this is the norm.

however!! he also shows off a special device to horace in jn032 that he says his parents made specifically for him, to help him learn more about mew. this suggests that they must have some amount of free time to dedicate to him...but they show their love for him through material gifts related to their line of work (his computer set-up, too; he tells scorbunny that his parents set it all up for him).

otherwise, we see camille and walker privately share their concerns about goh (a clear awareness that he doesn't have many friends, concern about him being lonely because of them, etc.) but never actually confront goh with their concerns or appear to go out of their ways to do anything about it. i wrote a bit about this and the symbolism of having him catch a cubone of all pokemon in the episode we're introduced to his family here but the tl;dr is that camille and walker demonstrate care for goh to each other but not to him - presumably to compensate for their physical absence, we get the impression he's given a lot of freedom and little to no discipline.

which brings me to the first criterion:

disruptive childhood behaviours (with a side of absenteeism, which presumably contributes to poor performance in school)

goh's school life is obviously inconvienent to the plot progression, so for narrative purposes the writers have him just not go to school. in jn049 we get the explanation that goh had made a promise to their teacher to show up to school for tests...but the weird thing about this scene is that chloe's surprised by it:

since in jn001 and jn002 we see that chloe is goh's only point of contact amongst his schoolmates and that she hand delivers schoolwork to him at her dad's lab, the only way this exchange really makes sense to me is if it's a new arrangement. even the fact that goh makes a point of saying "hey, i followed through, go me" to their teacher here gives that vibe.

so, we can extrapolate from that that...prior to whenever this agreement was made, goh just didn't go to school because he didn't want to. but given how schools operate, we can pretty safely assume his parents are aware of this. and i have strong reason to believe that they have at least been on the receiving end of phone calls from teachers or administrators, because of these lines from jn015:

all things considered, this is a weird assumption to make, especially about your hyper-independent introverted child...unless there's a history of disruptive or unfriendly behaviour to inform that assumption. and based on goh's behaviour in jn001 at professor oak's pokemon camp, i don't think it's so out there to say the pattern probably was there.

goh is actually a super sweet kid towards his parents and has a clear admiration for them both. even in flashbacks, his whole thing is kind of like...he doesn't want to bother them. they fall asleep on family vacation and don't spend time with him? well, that's fine! he'll just find something else to do! in that same episode in the flashback sequence, they pick him up on the side of the road alone in the pouring rain and he doesn't say a word to them. even though he was angry and upset before.

so, yeah. i think it would make a lot of sense if he were well-behaved at home and not so much so at school. but camille and walker, even when they learn about things that happen, don't seem to probe or discipline him. whether because of any combination of giving him leeway out of guilt or of not wanting to encourage him to act out at home, we don't know. but the disconnect obviously exists.

which then contributes to

stress and anxiety, difficulty acknowleding and accepting one's feelings, and passive communication style

goh is socially awkward, yes, and clearly very anxious socially especially early on in jn, but a lot of that seems to come from an inability to express his wants and needs. i think jn003 has some of the most succinct examples of this - ash having to realize he's struggling and to reach down to him when they're climbing the tower in order for him to even accept that he can get (and needs) help getting up, and then later one when he stumbles over his words trying to ask ash to be his friend.

i think another good example is in jn007, after he gets knocked out at the flute cup. passive communication relies a lot on shifts in body language and in, well, passive statements. when ash approaches him to tell him to cheer up, goh doesn't actually really...respond to that. he does this

and then runs off. which he does fairly often, actually, even as late as jn135. it's emotional avoidance 101. literally just run away from the thing that's bothering you. something else we see in jn135 is him backing out of admitting he wants to go on a journey - because he is concerned about ash's reaction (though i think it's a little more complex than that, but i'll circle back to that).

and of course there's jn062, which i wrote a lot about in this post. but the whole thesis of the episode is that goh has learned through his relationships up to this point that it's okay to not understand your feelings but you still have to feel them. and it's actually a really beautiful character development moment for him, but also reinforces the fact that he still doesn't know how to grapple with his own emotions. after finally finding drizzile and explaining how he knew he would find it there, he starts to cry and doesn't know why. but even aside from feeling vulnerable, it's kind of a culmination of this stress he's been carrying with him throughout the whole episode...and the sense of responsibility he feels for driving drizzile away. which is a great segue into

insecure attachment styles and need to feel "in control"

if there's one thing i feel like people sleep on regarding goh's character, it's how much of a mother hen he is. he's obviously very thorough and thoughtful when it comes to looking after his pokemon - as in jn062 where he spends all that time chasing down drizzile after it runs away, even to the point of telling ash and chloe that they should stay behind because it's getting late but that he's going to keep looking - but he's the same way with ash.

off the top of my head, things like buying extra scones because he knew ash would want them, making ash wash his hands after eating ice cream, chastising him about punctuality, you know...very parental kind of things. he actually does it with horace too, when they first meet, by bringing a lunch for them both when he goes back to the forest to meet him again.

anyway, being a Mom Friend is cute and all, but it also REEKS of parentified child. taking on responsibilities that aren't yours to fulfill? yeah. that's a need to feel in control. it's what he's used to! it offers him security!

the other side of this is...chloe. goh's first friend, who he refuses to consider a friend, or let consider him a friend. but, like, she obviously IS his friend. and yet our introduction to them gives us this exchange

goh and chloe have a pretty tense relationship at the beginning of jn, wherein she is clearly trying to help him (by you know. getting his homework for him and shit) and he blows her off in a text message, which she complains is a repeating behaviour. chloe is obviously very loyal to him, even though he doesn't seem to repay the favour. again, there's a big disconnect here.

insecure attachments generally stem from anxiety over potential rejection and/or poor self-esteem cultivated in childhood based on parents’ emotional availability (or lack thereof) to their children. by keeping chloe an arm's distance away, goh keeps himself safe from the dangers of vulnerability, taught to him through childhood encounters with emotionally unavailable parents.

i'm not here to armchair diagnose (ok, who am i kidding, yeah i am), but i think goh's attachment style is anxious-avoidant. his clear avoidance of making friends, the multiple times we see him break off his friendship with ash only to minutes later be like "me and the bestie"...yeah, that's avoidance. but he does crave intimacy, arguably even more than he fears it.

hence why even though he knows ash would want him to journey on his own...he still convinces himself that actually telling ash that would be, as he calls it, a "betrayal of [their] friendship." my theory is that he's not concerned that ash will be upset - he's concerned that ash won't be upset enough. which is why when then ash turns it around on him and says he's going on a journey, goh gets upset and pushes him away. he does the exact same thing with horace when they're younger. just a complete 180 - he wronged me once, so he's the worst and i can't forgive him, ever.

the difference with chloe is that she actually takes care of him more than he takes care of her - which changes the dynamic from "i have to do everything to keep this person in my life, including suppressing my emotions for their sake" to "i cannot express to this person that i have needs and desires because they'll think i'm too much and they won't stick around if i do." which is primarily avoidant, but insecure attachment nonetheless.

this is extrapolation, but i think his relationship with chloe is so different because we are supposed to get the sense that they have a more familial dynamic. so, she's the one person he can't push away from him - but as he learned in his actual family dynamic, he also can't be too close to her. he doesn't want to be smothered; he doesn't want her to feel smothered by him. so they maintain a degree of separation that only begins to go away after her father begins literally housing and feeding him, thus integrating him and ash into their family in some honorary way.

which brings me to the last point, i guess, which is

reluctance to participate in age-appropriate activities with peers and self-reliant to a fault

these are, i think, the traits that jn is most blatantly attempting to better in goh throughout his arc. so i won't spend too long hashing it out, because i think these are things we all know he struggled with!

in flashbacks, we see him alone at school; during the first episode, at professor oak's camp, he is always physically distanced from the other kids and chloe even points out that he's basically doing professor oak's job at one point! he's not on the same level as the other kids and it's clear he doesn't want to be. when he meets horace, we see that it takes him some time to get comfortable enough with him to go explore the forest together and become friends.

he doesn't go to school, but that doesn't mean he isn't learning things - he becomes a very self-directed learner early on, from what he see. he's not just like...rotting in his room playing video games. he's studying and researching. the only times aside from with horace that we see him in a flashback doing something that isn't solitary is with pokemon - and even then, he's like...reciting their pokedex entries. his abra story at the end of jn is precipitated by him saying he was going through his dad's old pokedex (which is a whole other thing - this implies walker used to be a trainer, but neither of goh's parents seem to have pokemon...perhaps they're too busy with work to look after them? a theory for another time, i suppose, but it has undeniably being gnawing at my brain since that episode aired lol).

and of course, there's the fact that in jn062 he tells drizzile he was never comfortable with confiding in his parents or his grandmother...suggesting that he never confided in anyone, because we don't really get the sense from the whole "i don't NEED friends" exchange in jn001 that he considers chloe a reliable confidant, either.

the other place we see his flawed sense of self-reliance, aside from like...everywhere in the first 10 or so episodes, lol (something that is reflected pretty beautifully and symbolically in scorbunny's story, too!), is in project mew. he has to learn how to work in a team - and he clearly hates it. at this point he's found one person to rely on, but that already feels like too much. the raid battle with articuno is the most obvious example of this. he isn't good at being a leader, but he also isn't good at being a follower. because he's only ever been responsible for himself, and he doesn't trust anyone else to know how to direct him, but he also has no clue how to work within the parameters of a team.

i also want to say, as a final note, that i actually think this is all extremely intentional writing. obviously in the west we have a strong capitalism culture too, but the work culture in japan is very toxic (just google "japan work culture" and you can see right away how intense it is lol) and i'm not actually surprised at all that pokemon would make such a direct commentary on that - a lot of japanese kids could probably relate to goh and his emotionally absent, work-obsessed parents! they are clearly pretty well-off, but their dedication to work supercedes matters of home and family, because that's how it's supposed to be. as a result, goh admires them a lot for this dedication - but his arc is primarily about letting go of the "work" part of interacting with pokemon and learning how to have fun and make the most of his experiences. and i think that's a really lovely message for modern pokemon to be sending to kids :')