#do NOT compare him to AM
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the fact that people group HAL-9000 in with the “Evil AI” thing is annoying bc its false. its stated in 2010 (book AND movie) explicitly that he was not at fault—the US government and Chandra gave unclear/conflicting information to HAL before launch, causing him to malfunction. He had the computer equivalent of a nervous breakdown.
#do NOT compare him to AM#in my humble opinion#he did nothing wrong#2001 a space odyssey#hal 9000#evil ai
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touch the spindle, touch it i say!
#the last time i drew Anything related to the spindle was DAYS after i got into twst and i don't think i even posted it. that's unacceptable#how could i draw silver a billion times and not the SPINDLE??? HELLO??? all i care abt drawing is delicious plot ITS RIGHT THERE?#in the movie not the game. YEA. the comp for this was inspired by some tarot designs on twt by @wonder_yoh. BEAUTIFUL!!!#and the frame for this if u looked carefully/compared? the frame is directly pulled from the thorns in sleeping beauty concept art#nods sagely. another catríona classic. it's got all my main points. some drama. my two boys. the birds. the clouds. thorns. its all there#i am very talented at drawing the exact same idea 400 times and somehow the comp is different. and somehow its a new piece#i am here for the silver girlies and silver fans ONLY. the thought of drawing a piece without him hurts....id take damage.#love u all lots. silver nation stays strong. stays winning. these are the rules#twstファンアート#twst#twisted wonderland#twst silver#silver vanrouge#malleus draconia#suntails#ive actually kinda wanted to do a mallerollo comicy thing to a song but i cant get the motivation bc silver isnt there. isnt that sad
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people who act like batman isn't "judge jury and executioner" because he doesn't kill people are like. genuinely so funny to me because. they're very obviously thinking of "executioner" as like. the stereotypical guy with axe who chops people heads off, and not, yknow, the literal definition of the idiom itself, which is about someone who has the ability to judge and then subsequently punish someone unilaterally. which is quite literally what batman does.
he has the ability to decide what is a "crime" to him, he is the one who decides whether people are guilty of those crimes, and he is the one who executes their punishment. the severity of the punishment doesn't matter - he is unaccountable to anyone else, and indeed is allowed to commit as many crimes as needed to reach his arbitrary ideal of "justice."
the ideal of batman is this: a man who is so fundamentally changed by an act of senseless violence that he takes it upon himself to fight back against the rot and corruption in the world. he does this not through political activism, not through ridding himself of his wealth in favor of a greater good, not through community outreach, but through an individualistic fantasy of being a hero.
and you'll say: charlie, but he does do that !!! he donates his money all the time, he funds social programs, hospitals, orphanages, gets people jobs -
and i will say this: so why don't things get better?
because here's the base of it. gotham, at its core, can't get better. no matter what bruce wayne does, there will always be more crime, more villains, more death, more people for batman to beat up in back alleys. because that's what sells.
reoffending rates don't matter in gotham, prison reform doesn't matter in gotham, what actually causes crime doesn't matter in gotham because that doesn't sell books.
and so here it is; dc has unintentionally created a world where batman can't win, but can't be wrong, and where thousands of nameless, faceless, only-created-to-die civilians must be pushed into the meat grinder that is gotham, to fuel bruce wayne's angst and vindicate his constant, tireless, noble fight against the forces of evil.
and then: a new robin, who is poor and who's parents are dead or gone because of this cycle; who is happy go-lucky and hated by editors and fans for being robin, for not being dick grayson, for being poor.
and this robin is written, unintentionally or not, to be angry at the ways in which batman's (the narrative's) idea of justice is detached from its victims. bruce seems perfectly fine to allow countless unnamed women to be at risk from garzonas in his home country, yet robin is the one who is portrayed as irrational and violent.
this robin is not detached from gotham in the way bruce wayne is: this robin is a product of gotham.
(and here's the thing. you can't punch aids. you can't fight a disease with colorful fights and nifty gadgets. and how would robin dying from aids add to batman's story; it would call into question the systemic changes that haven't been made in gotham. how does a child get aids, in batman's city?)
so robin dies, and then bruce (the narrative) spends the next couple of decades blaming it on him. it is jason's fault; he was reckless, he just ran in, he thought it was all a game. if only bruce had seen what was coming, if only he could have known that jason wasn't rich enough or smart enough or liked enough to be robin.
batman gets a little more violent, a little more self destructive. he hurts people more and almost (!!) kills a couple guys. this is bad because it's self destructive and "not who he is." it is not bad because batman should not be able to just beat people up when he's angry.
and then he gets a shiny new robin - who is all the things jason "wasn't": rich and smart and rational and he doesn't put who batman is into question. batman and robin are partners, and jason is a grave and a cautionary tale, and (crucially here) never right.
the joker kills thousands and it doesn't matter because they were written to be killed.
batman beats up thousands and it doesn't matter because they were written to be criminals.
and then jason comes back, and nothing has changed. there is a batman and a (shiny! rich!) robin and the joker kills thousands. (because it sells)
and jason is angry - he has been left unavenged - his death has meant nothing, just as willis' had, just as catherine's had, just as gloria's had, just as -
thousands. ten of thousands. hundreds of thousands. written to be killed.
but one of them gets to come back.
and he is angry - not only at the joker, but at bruce (the narrative) - because why is the joker still alive (when thousands-)
here is the thing - jason todd is right. not because the death penalty is good, not because criminals deserve to die, not because of everything he says -
but because of what he calls into question. why is the joker alive?
because he sells books.
and dc has written a masterful character, through no fault of their own, because jason knows what is wrong, and he knows who is at fault - batman. (the narrative)
so the argument that bruce can't kill because he's not judge jury and executioner; the argument that jason is a cop or that jason is insane or that jason is in the wrong here; they hold no weight.
batman can't kill the joker because the joker sells comic books.
and jason can't kill the joker because the joker sells comic books.
so he will beg and plead and grovel - he will betray everything that is himself, he will forsake his family and his city and kill himself - just so that bruce (the narrative) will let the joker die.
he was condemned to death by an audience, and after he came back he has spent his whole life looking us in the eyes and screaming, asking, pleading; why is the joker still alive?
why are thousands, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands (the number doesn't matter, see, because they're just a number. not people. not real.) why are we expendable for his story? why did i have to die just for nothing to change?
and the answer is money. and the answer is the batman can never be wrong. and the answer is shitty writing. and the answer is -
nothing jason can ever change.
which is the worst of it all. he is a victim with no power, and no one else in the world can see it. he is raging and crying and screaming at his father and his writers and you - and it doesn't matter. jason doesn't matter. and he knows it.
#yes btw i am saying that jason is subconsciously aware he's a comic book character. being dead for literal decades and then coming back#to a different and yet fundamentally unchanged world will do that to you#this is also a huge reason i have beef with people who equate jason's death with any other persons. like sorry. no#jason *died.* forever. he was dead dead. in heaven dead.#he died in the sense that he was never supposed to come back.#your 'heart stopped' or 'was dead for maybe 3 months irl' literally does. not. compare.#also when i say tim is everything jason isn't; by including smart i don't mean jason wasn't smart#i mean tim is *written* to be explicitly in contrast to jason#and by making him a 'genius' the narrative implies his intelligence is directly in contrast to jason's#therefore implying jason wasn't 'smart'#surprisingly little tim hate in this. am i growing from my hate? (no. i wrote a couple paragraphs but it didn't fit. haters stay strong💪)#jason todd#anti batman#red hood#batman meta#batman#anti bruce wayne#bruce wayne
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i think what i adore about ladynoir beyond high school age (18 and over) is the opportunity it leaves for some of the most DELICIOUS best friends to lovers scenarios. because, like, two people who've been fighting side by side for years? who've known each other long enough to make jokes about it, haha remember when we were fourteen and you-- we AGREED to never speak of it!!!! who've spent so long learning each other inside out, even, in chat noir's case, getting over feelings, that the idea of anything romantic between them is so far off the radar that they don't feel the need for certain boundaries, because why would it matter if they made jokes about how attractive they find each other, about getting married, about how they could totally mess with the rest of the miracle team by pretending they're hooking up because it's so far out of the realm of possibility.
but then there would be that imperceptible shift. the moment where one of them makes a joke and it feels just a bit more loaded than it should. gazes lingering where they never lingered and playful smiles turning curious. the sudden awareness that, while maybe they were cuddling on a rooftop with their best friend, they were also wrapped up in the arms of someone they trust with their lives, and is extremely attractive, and, wait, if the only reason it was platonic before was because there were no feelings, what does THIS mean?
THE TENSION. THE PINING. THE INHERENT MESS OF BEING IN YOUR TWENTIES. PLEASEEEE
#as i go through more things in life i ache for ladynoir to experience it too#i want them to be at a grocery store and for him to reach out to tickle her and she turns around and makes a joke but their gazes linger way#too knowingly#i want them to sit down and have a 'okay like this is so tmi but isnt the concept of sex so weird??' conversation#i want them to joke about starting a podcast together#make impulsive amazon purchases that make no sense#find a song that one of them hate and then continuously play it on loop#compare spotify profiles and one of them steals the other's login to sabotage their spotify wrapped for the year#do you know i am so normal about ladynoir#♡alizeh talks♡#tagged:ladynoir
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Yess I've always wanted to do something for HOUN..... That's it

Yeah the dog has no eyes pretend it is a very clever design choice that has deep simbolism or something (I actually forgot it and am lazy,,)
More colours and the sketch after the cut bcs I'm indecisive




#ive been making dif thumbnails of this in my sketchbook for MONTHS#also really sad that I didn't include Watson in this.... but I really couldn't fit him anywhere#fun fact this was inspired by the book covers I found where I live to the books--- they were so horrid I thought I'd give it a try#but after that one italian Sherlock cover nothing compares to it#sherlock holmes#acd sherlock#fanart#sherlock#acd holmes#holmes#acd canon#sir arthur conan doyle#HOUN#the hounds of baskerville#oh my god did I write it wrong#no I didn't its on plural#that was scary#the hound of the baskervilles#sherlock holmes acd#book cover?#sherlock holmes books#sherlock holmes fanart#I just realized his eyebrows are wack#well I am not doing anything abt it the drawing is DONE
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simultaneously wanting to cry out "HOW COULD YOU JUST LEAVE ME HERE" and "NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN"
aka what happens if you combine prime!sonic (sweetest boy) and fof!tails (most traumatized boy)
bonus: HE DOESN'T KNOW
#sonic the hedgehog#miles tails prower#starved eggman#sonic prime#unbreakable bond#if they look weird: i am teaching myself to draw sonic characters. i cant. im learning. pwease be kind. peace signs#i dont really play f/n/f and am nt particularly into sonic/exe#i mean i have an appreciation for it as a sonic fan when i was a kid. but there werent really different 'versions' of sonic/exe#people remade it and there were spinoffs (like sallyexe) but im unfamiliar with the new sonic/exe lore lolsies#but i saw starved eggman and i was kinda entranced... esp with the tails from this universe.#couldnt handle it for too long. need my boy to have his brother around. take a hug kid#also would be very funny for modern sonic to DECIMATEEEE starved eggman.#'you really do smell like rotten eggs in this world huh🤣egghead' 'sonic thats because he is filled with the flesh of our comrades.' 'What.'#real talk i dont think prime sonic becausehes sooo sensitive esp compared to other sonics could handle the starved universe.#he needs tails in this world as much as tails needs him.#but hed have to go home eventually right...? i dont want to think abt that#im super into sonic lately... the first thin i draw is this huh#my nyart
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We could have had it all...
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#jin guangyao#nie mingjue#oh man....the NieYao dynamic....All these complex emotions and ties to each other and they *aren't* canon?#Sorry fellas but the way you proposed writing your bro a letter of recommendation & agreeing to it was very fruity.#And *then* Lan Xichen shows up. And both JGY and NMJ are head over heels for him and have been for ages apparently.#Its like they found out that LXC had been two timing them this whole time and their response was: “UM. HOT?”#I'm tempted to redraw these three as that one bisexual-core image with Anne Hathaway. You know the one. It fits.#It's strange seeing all of this fondness in retrospect compared to the betrayal you feel in The Untamed after a longer build up.#Initially it felt like 'oops we made him a little too 2 dimensional as a villain - quick make him more sympathetic'.#JGY even had a scene with him kissing babies. As any politician would do to improve their image.#but it does come around to really showing a more authentic JGY and the tension between him and NMJ.#As an angst lover I am personally all for 'what could have been' relationships and they DO have it all.
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I love your take on Crowley!
I know that the early, non-Diasomnia stories aren't really your thing, but are you reading the novels at all?
I have been following some of the fan translations and the second book seems intense! Would love to hear what you think about them.
thank you! 💚💚💚 I'm not really sure why you think I don't like the earlier arcs though, I love pretty much all the characters and their storis! (I think 5 and 1 are my favorite of the past episodes, though 6 infected me with the Shroud brainrot something fierce.) I just...ESPECIALLY love diasomnia. :') but there is room in my heart for all of these dweebs! like, who among us is not just as ride-or-die for Adeuce as they are for us.
that said, I don't really follow the other adaptations like the manga (aside from a dip-in just to see the new Yuus) or the novels, though I keep meaning to check them out! I do like seeing the differences between the different forms of media, and how certain things get adapted one way or another! but alas, time/a lack of accessibility stands in our way more often than not. :( someday...someday I will have time to consume all of the media...
#art#twisted wonderland#i have been playing this game since the day it came out#and believe me i could not have stuck with it for the past three and a half years if i was not deep into all of these idiots#not to harp on it but i do think it's funny because i actually. really did not like the diasomnias at first.#it was like a month before their cards/personal stories were added and so we knew almost NOTHING about them#the website descriptions basically make everyone sound awful#so i thought they were kind of mean/boring compared to everyone else!#(except maybe lilia but i was mad at him for the two seconds of 'girl? 👀' hope i had when they were revealed)#but once their cards came out i fell just as hard for them as i did the rest of this silly game#well. sebek took a little longer. but his ketchup incident converted me.#anyway i have so much sentimentality for episode 1 especially#the prologue was like 'oh this is actually a very silly game! oh there is a plot!'#episode 1 was like 'oh i LIKE these characters and what they're doing with them'#(i think ace punching riddle was the moment i decided i REALLY liked this game) (sorry riddle) (you were being a huge dick though)#also...ink drips. ink drips everywhere.#look when i say this game is laser-focused at me and my tastes specifically i am not kidding
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You should stay away from me. I'm no longer with the gang. I didn't agree. Our boss already agreed four years ago. Pull over and let me out of the car. I'm your boss!
KISEKI: DEAR TO ME Ep. 01 / Ep. 09
#kiseki: dear to me#kisekiedit#kdtm#kiseki dear to me#ai di x chen yi#chen yi x ai di#nat chen#chen bowen#louis chiang#chiang tien#jiang dian#userspring#uservid#userrain#userspicy#userjjessi#pdribs#*cajedit#*gif#again. INSANE that they opened the show with this and then were like. 'these are side characters' like. NO! (& wild how the finale was 90%#them being happy while zherui was getting stabbed. like. clearly the writers knew who the true main characters were lmaooo)#ok anyway i honestly really love the breath chen yi lets out once he gets the door shut. like. its real. its happening.#the RELIEF as well as the determination to have ai di for real in front of him again#and also insane that the first time they touch after four years is chen yi putting ai di's whole body over his shoulder#like. last time they touched was ai di touching chen yi's hair while he slept#does anyone else think about that. does anyone think about the fact that the last time they touched was when they slept together#does anyone else think abt what ai di is experiencing trying to keep chen yi from touching him#but also loving him for coming to pick him up from prison. do you think about the combination of ai di's desperation and dread#compared to chen yi's desperation and relief. like does anyone else think about the combination of gentle and rough or just me#i made half of this while on an airplane yesterday thats how insane for them i am <3
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Finn
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
*slams hands on table*
it’s HERE !!!!!!
#HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAHAHAHA#HEHEHEHHEEHHEHEHEHEHEEHEHEHHEHHEHEHEHE#Boss finn fans REJOICE#I love this man so much you do not understand#I am so normal about him#I cannot express in words how happy this update made me#I have been going fully insane ever since it was announced#yk I feel like there aren’t that many boss finn fans out there compared to some of the other characters#but we make up for it by being actually insane about this man.#Potionomics#potionomics fanart#indie game#indie games#boss finn potionomics#potionomics boss finn#boss finn#art#artists on tumblr
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My heart was fashioned to be susceptible of love and sympathy, and when wrenched by misery to vice and hatred, it did not endure the violence of the change without torture such as you cannot even imagine.
Mary Shelley, Frankenstein Chapter 24
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So. I read @spot-of-tea's Zeref Febuwhump series and upon reaching the end, I had to draw this scene. The song and the imagery stuck in my brain, and I can't survive having two mental animatics for this song, so drawing this released me from at least one lol. Also it was fun to try out this fire silhouette style.
#fairy tail#zeref dragneel#pencil's art tag#spot-of-tea#hell's coming with me by poor man's poison#i find it really fascinating how Zeref can be compared to both Frankenstein and the monster#he is both the doomed creature yearning for love and the creator who cannot love his creations#something to think about and ponder#idk this art felt like a fitting time to drag out the quotes#in addition to the song lyric#he definitely had his hell's coming with me moment in the fic series lol#tea does a great job with him#i am shaking zeref by the ankles and rattling him in a jar#anyway don't look closely at his cape thing I did not know what I was doing#blindly colored him while watching tangled so idk what light sources are lmao
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I love your depiction of Hamilton and Lafayette, it’s so funny! Lafayette is so sweet and happy and Hamilton just has beef w/ the entire world. I can’t wait to see more of their brotherly relations in ur AMAZING art style
God, they're so narrative foil coded
Seriously though, there's some fantastic contrast between them. They're just similar enough (both roughly the same age, both insecure and glory hungry, + their "shared father" or whatever Lafayette said) - and yet they manage to be exact opposites at the same time.
I could say more but I think this bit from Mike Duncan's biography about Lafayette basically gets at what I'm trying to say:
"Like Lafayette, Hamilton grew up without a father. He also lost his mother to a fatal illness at almost the same age Lafayette lost his. But where the tragedies of Lafayette’s childhood made him the heir of a fabulous fortune, the tragedies of Hamilton’s illegitimate childhood left him systematically cut out of his family’s inheritance. So where the dark clouds of Lafayette’s life were lined with silver, the dark clouds of Hamilton’s life were simply dark. Lafayette emerged from childhood buoyant and effusive, Hamilton cynical and reticent. But even though Hamilton started life a penniless bastard on the periphery of European civilization, and Lafayette started life an insanely wealthy heir in the heart of a great kingdom, they fell into an easy friendship. French was not the only language the two young men shared. The also shared a code of personal honor and a desire to prove themselves to the world." -Mike Duncan, Hero of Two Worlds, The Marquis de Lafayette in the Age of Revolution
Now, I am not qualified to speak on the real figures, but I do like to write. So, there is a narrative opportunity here that drives me insane.
Like, cast Hamilton as brilliant, but overly cynical with a habit of assuming the worst in people, and give him a negative character arc where he comes close to recognizing the potential good of humanity but ultimately falls into his more authoritarian tendencies. Then contrast him with Lafayette who's more naive. He's not quite sheltered but unfamiliar with the sort of selfishness and greed he'd have encountered if he grew up in a more vulnerable financial position. In coming to America he, like Hamilton, is forced to reckon with contempt, greed, and the failings of democratic government. But, unlike Hamilton, still manages to come out of it with a generally positive opinion of humanity.
I'm just saying, if I were writing history to contain ✨themes ✨ they are a perfect opportunity.
#this is the most I've ever ranted outside of my tags#it feels weird to have thoughts publicly lol#even if this is still generally nonspecific#is Lafayette's optimism just a symptom of his comparative naivete or do Hamiltons existing prejudices blind him to positivity#ok im done for now#amrev#alexander hamilton#marquis de lafayette#also I am glad people like my art style#because I#well Im pretty sure yall are talking about the way I color but I have spent ages trying to figure out how the hell human faces work#and I still dont get it#I spend most of my day on construction drawings which is a completely non-transferable skill#anyway literally the only thing to be done about it is to keep practicing so
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nothing bad has ever happened to n haha look at his smile he's always been perfectly fine
#pokemon#n harmonia#clai's art#i can't even draw him smiling without thinking of bees's post comparing how he smiles to ghetsis i am SICK#why am *I* sad over the bw2 manga rn i'm not the one reading it i haven't gotten past the first volume of bw1. i hate this game i hate n#aughhhh i am TRYING to focus on a comic but i am once again too upset over him to do it HDJHDJFH
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thinking about john n davesprite n dave what happens when he finds out its not just a bird dave thing but a dave thing..... the idea hes built up of The Real Dave comes crashing down
like things were def made worse by being stuck together for 3 years with noone else n all of the extra issues davesprite has On top of all the normal dave bs but like, fuuuckkkkkkk
#and like#i havent touched hs2 in ages but just thinking about any post canon thats based on the canon end be it hs2 or not#john interacting with dave#davesprite was the dave he was with for 3 years#the First dave he met...#do you think he thinks about him?#sees davesprites mannerisms in dave#n realizing what a pedestal hed put dave on compared 2 davesprite cus he hadnt seen daves issues up close n personal#years later looking back#after maybe even learning about some of the details of daves fucked up home situation#having the context for some of ds behavior#he was just a kid....#he was the only beta kid not to make it....#i just remembered jasprose n was like.. hmm idk if id count her since she shows up so late BUT#SHE DID MAKE IT#ok now im even more upset..... he truly was the only one of them... the one who gave up his identity....... TWICE(counting davepeta as 1#N THEY DIDNT EVEN MAKE IT SO LIKE)#i am going insane#i am thinking violent thoughts#davesprite#rambles
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Many years ago J. Michael Straczynski wrote a miniseries for Marvel's MAX imprint called Supreme Power, which was itself a spin on the classic Marvel Faux Justice League The Squadron Supreme. And in this miniseries you've got a Flash Expy, The Blur, who in a very compelling way is like the inverse of A-train from The Boys. They're both black speedsters from impoverished backgrounds who use their powers to become walking billboards instead of going directly into conventional superheroism- at least in part because there isn't actually a lot of call for conventional superheroism. They even share a color scheme.
But unlike A-Train, whose moral core is thoroughly corroded by celebrity, Blur's apparent crass commercialism ends up being thematically linked to the fact that he's easily the most moral and considerate of the entire first wave of superheroes, because he's literally the only one of these people who's ever had to work any kind of day job, and thus the only one who's really in any way beholden to the logic of human society and its associated common courtesy.
#the other superhumans falling on the spectrum from “I am inherently better than you and know better than you”#to “I am literally bronze-age royalty and will kill you if you look at me funny”#to “feral fish woman who was never actually socialized”#to “billionaire”#Anyway there were some eyebrow raising moments surrounding Blur in that series#but I've always enjoyed the implication that the fact he's doing it for money is what keeps him comparatively grounded#even if it also makes him quite vulnerable to ratfucking when he won't toe the govt. line#that being the other thing- he takes the endorsements in large part because he's in a holding pattern waiting for some situation to arise#that actually meaningfully requires a superhero to resolve#thoughts#meta#supreme power#superheroes#the boys
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Looong rant about chapter 16 Ptolemy's Gate and how being passive can add to the cycle of ab*se.
oof so I just read when Nat goes to see Ms Lutyens and I can't help but be absolutely furious at her??
I know that's maybe a little bit unfair given she's frightened of him as a magician and is obviously angry when she finds out the department he's responsible for, but honestly it kinda brings up the problem with inadvertent bystanders to child ab*se in my mind.
And I'm definitely not blaming her solely for who Nat becomes but it makes me think of all those people in huge child ab*se cases who give interviews to press about all the things they noticed that were wrong but they just...never do anything?
She stood up for him against Lovelace, and when Nat thanked her- "I wanted to say that I know you were trying to save me, and-"
''Yes, and I'm sorry I didn't" Like girl be for real did you really think that alone would undo the years of indoctrination and abuse he's already suffered and prevent years worth of the same in the years to come? And she won't take responsibility - "My job is with children, not the adults they become" and again while it seems harsh to blame her for who Nat becomes, it's so much easier to pass the blame to people who are more directly responsible rather than acknowledging you also play a part.
I think it hurts so much more because it's her specifically- Nat goes to her in sheer desperation, it almost seems like a goodbye- he wants to thank her, tries to set her up in a job that will pay well and struggles to communicate he's trying to help. At this point he thinks Bartimaeus has been summoned by another magician and his birth name will be revealed. He's sure he's about to die and if not he'll be stood on trial and lose everything.
He goes to her because she represents the peaceful moments from his childhood when he got away from his master. He's scared and feeling lost and really it's call for help; but he doesn't ask for anything he just wants to make her feel proud of him- he's looking for that validation that he's been chasing since childhood.
And that shows he still does have that little bit of childhood innocence in him; he thinks she will be proud, thinks she'll see him as the same little boy in the garden gazing up at his teacher in adoration. He can't quite grasp why she's separated the man stood before her from that little boy. Because in that moment the child inside Nathaniel is seeking comfort AND THAT'S WHY it makes me so angry. She's completely given up on him when he's at his lowest ebb, because she doesn't want to be associated with the magician he's become. As if it isn't a massive step in the right direction that he saught her out in the first place- what other magican would bother? I wonder if that's why she reacted so strongly to seeing him again? Before that moment she could go about her life wondering if /pretending her attempt to protect him was enough, and now she realises it wasn't, of course it wasn't, and the image she had of Nathaniel's childhood innocence is completely ruined in her mind.
Or was her contempt for him even grater than Nat realised? She was naturally disgusted by the rhetoric he'd started to repeat from a young age, and gently tried to correct him although she was clearly angry- was she just resigned to the fact that there is little else she could do to change his future? I always thought- couldn't she have looked for him? The Underwood house fire was in the papers and they mentioned the apprentice was being searched for. Did she ever worry about him? Surely something must have been in the papers since- an announcement of new ministers, ANYTHING! Look at how much research Kitty did to find out about Bartimaeus and Ptolemy. I just don't think Rosanna Lutyens cared enough, realistically Nathaniel wasn't hard to find- but he was no longer her responsibility so she could turn a blind eye.
And sadly it's not just her- I know everyone loves Martha Underwood including Nat; but I think her submissiveness to her husband has a negative effect on Nathaniel as well. In AOS when Nat is locked in his room for ages after setting the mites loose, and is forbidden to have any contact with anyone and she won't talk with him. I know she's been told by Mr. Underwood she can't, but it still boils my blood. She's an adult and going along with ignoring Nathaniel because her husband told her to...I can't even begin to imagine the psychological damage that would do to a 10 year old child. (It could be argued she's frightened of the consequences if her husband finds out she's disobeyed him which is fair, he could always be watching through magic- but this is Arthur Underwood we're talking about. He's lazy, oblivious and weak I doubt he'd expend all that energy each day to check up on her.)
And It's even more painful that Nathaniel is often described as fiercely loyal to her and I think to Ms Lutyens as well- he doesn't expect to be treated well by Arthur Underwood but he loved Mrs Underwood and Ms Lutyens so much he started to view them through a rose-coloured lense. He never feels betrayed by either of them, even though they absolutely let him down, because the pedestal he's put them on is too high AND THAT ABSOLUTELY DESTROYS ME.
Would things with Nathaniel have been any different if Mrs Underwood hadn't died? I don't really think so. Do you think she'd see Nathaniel's temper at 14 years old and be reminded of Arthur Underwood? He was awful, absolutely awful to Nat and to her; but he was under so much stress in an underfunded departement, where pressure was being put on him by superiors to accomplish far more than they knew him to be capable of, and he took it out on the easiest target. Nathaniel ends up in exactly the same place and he starts to take it out on the only person around him- Bartimaeus. Would he snap at Mrs Underwood all the time if she were still there? Because he's learnt that behaviour from his father figure, and subconsciously learnt from his mother figure that she'll put up with it. He learnt from the woman he loved so deeply, that if you don't resist, people will walk all over you. So you have to maintain control even if it ends up hurting people you care about because no one will step in to stop the suffering no matter how much you love them, no matter how much you want them too.
It's easy to blame Arthur Underwood and Simon Lovelace and the magicians that actively hurt Nathaniel but I just feel like it's a bit disingenuous not to acknowledge the role of those doing passive harm. It's really mean to say it but even Bartimaeus plays a role- he knows Nat is clinging on to him because he can't 'bring himself to break this last connection' (to his childhood) but instead of bringing it up properly he 'taunts' Nathaniel- a boy who has been taunted for his weakness by his master for years. And even in AOS when Nathaniel tells Bartimaeus he was beaten for the mites incident Bart just kinda shrugs it off. Like I get it, why should Bartimaeus do anything, he's suffered way worse due to the system so he doesn't owe Nat anything right? But from Nat's point of view this is the first and only time he's mentioned to anyone what has happened to him and nothing changes. It's like another lesson learnt: telling someone about it doesn't help. Another nail in the coffin.
And I like all these characters, I feel bad for them. They're all victims of the system, I think the chapter with Ms Lutyens is just the straw that broke the camel's back for me. All of those little opportunities that are insignificant to the narrative over all; the commoners have it worse, Nathaniel is in a privileged position in society, exerting control over others. He's very morally grey, crossing over into objectively bad person territory but I love him with my whole heart and all of those insignificant moments would have been massive to him whether he was conscious of it or not.
And it goes all the way back to the beginning with Nat's parents giving him up to the magicians at 5 years old. I can't get the image of that little boy sat crying all alone in the government building. And he's not going somewhere safer, or somewhere he'll be happier and more loved. Giving your child over to a total stranger, oh he'll be totally fine won't he? He'll grow up to be a magician and far richer than you'll ever be, he'll be happy and comfortable and be grateful he got to grow up in luxury. There's no way a stranger you've never met, who the majority of society is terrified of would ever hurt a vulnerable little kid right? And if they do? Well you aren't responsible anymore, how could you know? What could you possibly do against the magician taking care of him?
Every little thing is another grain of sand tipping the scale. Did anyone else have to analyse An Inspector Calls in school? It feels like that to me- those BIG moments and all the little moments in between that add onto the pile.
And it goes on to cause problems in wider society too- ab*se is so normalised to the magicians, they casually ask Underwood if he hits Nathaniel like it's nothing. Because to them it is nothing, they've all grown up in the same circumstances and are repeating what they've learnt as children. I can't help but feel a little sorry for them all, especially when they aren't looked at through the black and white lense of 'argh these people are the evil arseholes look at how they treat everyone around them, screw these guys.' When we see those little glimpses of humanity like Simon's anxiety with the amulet; looking to his master and father figure Schyler for reassurance, and what's sad is that Nat is "reminded...of his own master's cold impatience" It's clear Simon looks up to his master, wants to make him proud and loves him. But it seems like Schyler has just trained Simon up so he can get power through him later on. I love the little hints of similarities between Simon and Nathaniel; the anxious mannerisms like fiddling with his hair that Nathaniel starts to develop, the way their master's talk to them. Even though they're actively working against each other in AOS and Simon is placed firmly in the baddies category and Nat in the goodies category at this point in the series; these things always hinted to me they had similar childhoods, how was Simon treated? When he had the imp beat Nat into unconsciousness, was it because he'd had the same punishment used against him? Did he know the magicians in the room would do nothing to stop him because no one stopped it from happening to him? Did he ever have a teacher stand up for him only for it to change nothing in the end because all the negative influences were so much stronger? Is the reason he loves Schyler like a dad because he's almost developed Stockholm syndrome? It looks like love because he's never known anything else.
And Arthur Underwood- who doesn't think his upbringing, and being taken away from his family ever did him any harm- doesn't realise the harm done is that he doesn't even know another way of raising Nathaniel, because he was never shown another way. His childhood may also have been filled with people who hurt him and the people that didn't do enough to intervene.
There are so many psychology studies that show children copy everything they see the adults in their life doing. Nathaniel copies the magicians behaviour towards spirits and on a subconscious level I think he copies all the submissive people in his life. How many times does he end up upset and frustrated with the fact he seems to be going nowhere and how many times does he just hope things will be different rather than taking postive action.
I dislike the actions the magicians end up taking but I also find them fascinating to analyse. I tend to prefer villains in media because they're usually slightly more complex individuals and I love to think about how they ended up that way. They can all be seen as victims of their circumstances in a way, despite all the power and privilege they have had terrible and traumatic childhoods, and if the commoners had no valuable worldy possessions at least they had a sense of togetherness; of love and understanding and selflessness. I wonder if the magicians hated them at least partly because of that. Because out in the sea of faces of the commoners talking about nothing important, doing nothing great and noble- could be the parents that abandoned them. And when your life is on the line daily because of working with spirits, and your colleagues want to stab you in the back, sometimes not being responsible for anything important looks good. But you can't leave your life as a magician, it would be too difficult; you have nowhere to go, no real friends, no one who really loves you. So it's better to stay and be a submissive bystander in your own life because it's so much easier.
Doing nothing is doing something- being passive can be just as harmful.
#Oh boy if I was in Nat's life I'd've packed him into a box and shipped him off to therapy long ago#Listen I'm not a magician apologist per se....#But I do find playing devil's advocate for well -written baddies fun#And I am Nathaniells defence lawyer#I will not hear a word said against him#Just stressing that I do in fact like Mrs Underwood and Ms Lutyens I just wish they were a little stronger in sticking up for Nat#and I do hate mr Underwood#Simon lovelace tho.... I quite like him he can have a little space in the therapy box#I have a softspot for him because of the mannerisms that compare him to Nat okay???#Is it obvious I studied psychology at school 😅#Or that I am a huge Nat kinnie😅😅#Please don't hate me for this take#If anyone takes anything from this please let it be children copy everything they see you do including when you do nothing#This is quite tangential#bartseq#bartimaeus sequence#bartimaeus trilogy#bartimaeus#nathaniel underwood#liveblogging
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