#especially because a lot of the same people overreacting to it are the types of people who present themselves as progressive/leftist

[queerbauten]

Tumblr losing its mind over an American Girl book discussing HIV/AIDS... truly bizarre

[imviotrash]

🗡️Edward Midford and Autism coding 🗡️

During my Hiatus from the Kuroshitsuji fandom, I got diagnosed with autism. It took me some time to come to terms with that and to figure myself out.

I returned to the Kuro fandom last summer, due to (what I now come to recognize as) my longtime special Interest finally getting an anime adaptation and upon rereading some of my favourite arcs, I came to the realisation that I see a lot of my (and my peers) autistic traits in Edward. What's interesting about this character is that he has a lot of autistic traits, that are not really touched upon in media. So lets get into it!

The gentleman extreme (and how everything is taken a bit too literal/seriously):

In his introduction in chapter 52 he is shown to uphold the same beliefs as his mother, scolding his sister for behaving in an unbecoming manner. He's shown to be very close to his family and strictly upholds their values of protection. At first one may assume he is just like his mother, but it is quickly revealed that he is far more ridiculous. His upholding of his gentleman status is often paired with anger, such as in chapter 58, where he scolds other men for not letting women and children go on the lifeboats first (king behaviour) and also being the one to later recommend to look for more survivors. He has a strong code of ethics and upholds it, even if it is seen as ridiculous or even dangerous.

When it comes to clothing, he also upholds strict values and instantly gets flustered and afraid when that standard is not upheld, to the point where he needs physical distance and shields his eyes.

From these tidbits already we can observe that he is ridiculously formal, upholding the social decorum to the very extreme. While autistic individuals are known for their non-conformity, they are also known to accidentally not conform by confirming too much and following instructions to every detail. I fall into both extremes, but I definitely stick to the latter when it comes to social interactions.

I think Edward definitely falls into that category, because he represents how ridiculous the Victorian code of ethics and etiquette can be if upheld at all times. I may dabble into headcannon territory again, but I strongly believe that knighthood and the chivalry connected to it is something like a special interest for him, which contributes to the way he acts.

Aggression and volume:

In his introduction he yells at his future brother in law. A complete overreaction and incredibly ironic considering his previous scolding regarding etiquette. This happens multiple times, especially when confronted with Ciel his gentlemanly behaviour suddenly turns into childish banter. He is usually soft spoken but can be louder if he is simply commanded to do so.

Volume control is something a lot of autistic people struggle with. For me it's especially when talking about special interests or talking to a person who interrupts me A LOT. I am quiet and do not speak often, so when I do I must make the most of it.

Based on cannon evidence, I believe that Edward may struggle with this too. He's loud to get his point across, because he believes that loudness will make others listen to him.

Spiky hair, in this economy?

So we all know Frances and her strict rules regarding men's hair, right? Everything has to be slicked back and she thinks Sebastians hair is atrocious (so do I). So why is it that her son is the only one allowed to run around with this type of hairstyle? Alexis has very nicely brushed back hair, Elizabeths is also nicely done. Isn't it strange that she makes an exception for ONE family member?

So here is where I dabble into headcannons, because I think the exception was made because he has sensory issues regarding his hair. He doesn't like it slicked back in any way and feels uncomfortable with any product in his hair.

Once again, heavily falling into headcannons, so take this one with a grain of salt.

Elizabeth and her influence:

Edward is incredibly attached to his sister. Mainly being protective of her and not trusting other men (especially his brother in law) to treat her with the respect she deserves. He knows and appreciates her skill and knows she's incredibly capable. So...why is he so attached?

Elizabeth is an important catalyst for his behaviour, because it shows the extremes of his gentleman code. His good manners instantly turn into ridiculous aggression as soon as he sees something that he views as a threat to her. Despite his behaviour towards Ciel, he does care about him, because he realises how important he is to his sister. Elizabeth is a person of comfort for Edward. He admires her talent and sees her as a valuable family member who has been through a lot of hurt.

Autistic individuals often have trouble with boundaries and attach themselves onto others quickly, which leads to them unintentionally treating them incorrectly. This is definitely the case here, since he gives little (social) agency to Elizabeth for the sake of her protection. He genuinely cares about her but is unable to set healthy boundaries, because his way of emphaphy differs from the social norm.

Masking and copying behaviour:

What is interesting about Edward is how he copies the behaviour of others. He has a role model and copies their behaviour because he desires to master it. So why does he do that?

My answer is masking. Edward genuinely admires these people, but is unsure of how to adapt their skills in his own way, so he copies them. This is something we can often see in masking. Behaviour that is seen as acceptable by society is often copied by autistic individuals to blend into society. I think for Edward it's a combination of masking and admiration. His strong upholding of the Gentleman code also fits well into this category.

Beyond that, the Blue cult arc also proves that he able to severely alter the way he behaves, if needed. Does he feel comfortable with that? Absolutely not. But he does have the great ability to do so if instructed, which proves to yet be another factor for him masking his behaviour.

Mediocrity in a Neurotypical society:

So Edward had this nice monologue about him being mediocre compared to his prodigy sister and I think it is exactly this scene, which makes me headcannon him as autistic. Because this is the exact trait I do not see often.

In media, many autistic individuals are represented as prodigies and amazingly intelligent and I can't help but hate that stereotype, because it puts unrealistic expectations on disabled individuals. I have prodigy friends who are autistic and I truly admire them, but I need people to understand that autism is a disability and not just "socially incompetent person who is going to revolutionise the world". As soon as one's interest is not deemed useful by society (which mainly includes "feminine" interests), they are not validated. Autism is only accepted by society if it proves to be impressive or useful. It is not seen as a disability, but as something to exploit.

I like Edwards monologue, because I relate and it rounds out his character really well. He accepts that he is not a prodigy, that he sucks in many regards, but that he still looks up to those who fit into the standard. His monologue is something that I've truly taken into heart, because you do not need to be a prodigy to be valid, you should not need to be extraordinary to be accepted as you are. You are allowed to be mediocre. You are allowed to treat your disability as a disability, because that's what it is.

Lastly:

Please remember that most of this is based on my personal expenses with autism. It is an incredibly diverse neuro divergency and manifests itself differently in all sorts of ways. Many of these traits may not apply to you or to anyone you know. This is just a personal observation based on my own and my companions experiences.

[rendezvouz-fling]

Astro observations #8

• Taurus suns with Virgo moons & Taurus risings were those people who when home alone would cook and then go eat in their rooms and stay in their beds all day watching funny/charismatic YouTubers like Lily Singh back in 2016-18.🌚

• Earth moons’ love language is softening up to people and sharing their food with them after they’ve made that person mad.

• Pisces suns with Earth moons especially Taurus moons have sweet earthy singing voices! • Also most people with Pisces in their big 6 especially Sun & Moon tend to be really good singers because they tend to start singing from a very young age specifically when they’re still toddlers. E.g. Michael Jackson (Pisces moon/rising) who first appeared on tv at 10-11 years old & Leon and Charmaine Sylvers (Pisces suns) who first toured with Ray Charles and sang on the Groucho Marx show while they were still little kids.

• Aquarius sun girls in school are either those popular girls who wear a lot of makeup, spray perfume on themselves and around them every 5 minutes, are unnecessary loud/pick me types and love taking selfies OR they are the outcasts who don’t wear makeup, are very friendly, chill & nonjudgmental, are somehow friends with everybody? And are usually seen as a little “weird” or “awkward” by the majority of other people. There is NO IN BETWEEN whatsoever.

• What’s up with underdeveloped Fire venuses and dating their siblings/friend’s crushes/ex’s?🧐 Like, they literally can’t know that you like somebody they’ll go fleeing to that person or if you’ve broken up with somebody they’ll go date/sleep with that person. Even if you have an old crush and you say you don’t like them anymore, these people WILL make sure they have SOME sort of connection to them.

• Nah because Fire/Water suns with Air moons when underdeveloped WILL use people, lmao. Fire suns/Air moons will come on strong, bold & fiery and best believe they’re the types to set people up or be nice & encouraging and then talk the most shit about them behind their backs. While Water suns will jump from friend to friend and be more secretive about their motives. They’ll also have a very much “Obliviously have people wrapped around my fingers.” type personalities and keep things cordial but then go and betray them.

• And if there’s ever a union between Water suns/Air moons and Fire suns/Air moons–while they’re both underdeveloped then the Water suns get charmed up and backstabbed while the Fire sun underestimates the Water sun then gets finessed!

• Underdeveloped Fire moons will think they're better than everybody and will dismiss others’ opinions/emotions if they don’t see fit. They also love to rub their underdeveloped knowledge in people’s faces but will also have little to no tactics and might overreact and end up breaking connections with people then regretting it later.

• Underdeveloped Air moons will think they know it all because they’re very mentally intellectual beings but they can exude very cocky “I’m better than you” and “you’re not on the same intellectual level as me so you can’t compete where you don’t compare” vibes and might play on sarcasm a lot! They’ll also ghosts their friends or isolate themselves then complain about being lonely. • Underdeveloped Earth moons will be overly possessive over their own and other people’s materialistic things and have a selfish “my way or the high way” demeanor anddd they will act greedy and hide things then be upset if they find out others ‘hid’ things from them. They’ll also call you out a lot even for the smallest things like the way your tone changed when you talked to them and will act super paranoid about getting things done.

• Underdeveloped water moons will play the victim in most situations at least 9 times out of 10. Even to the point of selfish pity party ranting that’s a completely twisted different version of the real story and they’ll go as far as crying theatrics in front of people while lying to them to manipulate others into being on their side and feeling sorry for them.

• Aries Mercury-Libra Mercury best friend duos are one of the best, hands DOWN!!! Although Aries mercuries tend to be more aggressive, energetic and straight to the point type people they teach Libra mercuries to be more upfront about voicing their ideals & concerns while Libra mercuries tend to show Aries mercuries that good mannerisms are more likely to get you places in the long run and they might also teach them about thinking things through more.

• Scorpio moons/mars parents love language is being harsh to their kids especially making fun of their sensitivity yet they’re emotionally immature themselves. They usually tend to have kids with Fire/Air mercuries!

• 5th house suns are so dramatic and I am so here for it!!😂

• 3rd house placements are very mentally active people and might be underestimated depending on their other placements but are very smart even if they have Pisces/Sag mercuries! Also into poetry and reading!

• Virgo sun Aquarius moon men will act like total fucking crackheads!! Even if they have a Virgo mercury—These people have NO CHIL!!😂😭

• Scorpio suns with Scorpio risings and Water risings in general tend to have the fakest friends that won’t hesitate to hurt them or belittle them. Some people don’t deserve to have you in their lives and it’s totally okay to cut people off gorgeous! <3

• Cancer suns with Capricorn sun mothers tend to not be too affectionate..

• Scorpio suns in the 5th house with Virgo moons are super expressive and tend to be either on paranoid overthinking-whole-existence mode or laid back hilarious storytelling mode. • 5H Scorpio suns are also tend to say funny stuff out loud out of nowhere too.😂

• Scorpio moons are very caring affectionate friends too, they’re the types to give you cute nicknames and always ask how you’re doing & they tend to be genuinely concerned if you’re not doing well. 💜

• We all need an inspirational Aries sun in our lives who will have our backs and be very loyal friends. They also give good advice and encourage you to come out of your shell more if you’re shyer then them. 😩❤️‍🔥

• Gemini placements 🤝 self sabotaging because of their overthinking issues.

• Taurus placements tend to be flat out truthful and sometimes bold people despite being shy especially risings!✨

• Scorpio suns with Sag moons>>>>

• Tbh all placements are equally important/relevant. I don’t get the tearing down certain placements and glorifying others when all placements have their pros & cons! Just because you’re a Cap/Aqua moon or a Scorpio moon doesn’t mean you’ll always have a bad or overly detached relationship with your mom. Or that you’re too ‘cold’ or have no feelings.🤨 Same goes for a lot of negatively stereotyped placements.

• Fire venuses 🤝 picking on/teasing/bullying their crushes.

• Water venuses 🤝 getting easily attached then not being able to properly let go of those people.

• Air venuses 🤝 falling for mentally active/funny/charismatic people in their friend circles.

• Earth venuses 🤝 going out of their ways to do little things for their partners.

[deecotan]

I’ve been playing around with omegaverse ZS lovechild concept for a while and now here she is! Her name is Minori, she was born sometime during the Strawhats’ voyage so she was practically raised in the Sunny. She exists in an omegaverse canon-divergent AU where the plotline is basically the same as canon, diverging post-Wano and post-Strawhat Jinbe (similar to Film Red situation). 

Ramblings below: 

I created her with the idea of a lovechild who is different from Aoi, the first ZS lovechild that I created. Aoi is an exuberant, happy-go-lucky person, with a tomboyish appearance and a more “unkempt” look that she imprinted from Zoro. Minori is reserved and quiet, if not somewhat shy, with a more feminine, neater appearance and overall looks that is inspired by Sanji, and by extension, Reiju and Sora. Minori is also set in the canon universe and raised on a pirate ship, in contrast to Aoi who is set in a modern AU One Piece and grew up in a family home. 

I originally planned her to use rapier as her main weapon at first, but then I thought it would be a little weird for Zoro’s kid to choose a different type of sword, so I decided to scrap it. The name and the general color palette of the sword remains the same, though.

Additionally, her name was originally supposed to be “Marisol” since it can mean “sea and sun” in Spanish and also because I want to try giving her a more European-sounding name. I decided to scrap it since it won’t fit with the rest of the Strawhats’ naming custom; most of the Strawhats have easy-sounding names that are easy to pronounce both in English and Japanese (Luffy/Ru-fi, Na-mi, Zo-ro, etc), and most of them only consist of 2-3 syllables. Marisol is 4 syllables long when pronounced in Japanese (Marisoru), so I decided to change it to a simpler name.

My Japanese VA headcanon for Minori is Yui Ishikawa. She has the type of voice that gives off “elegant and sophisticated lady who can kill you” energy especially when voicing Mikasa from Attack on Titan and 2B from Nier:Automata. 

She spends most of her childhood in Thousand Sunny, and then her early teen years to the rest of her life in Sanji’s floating restaurant in All Blue together with her parents, Zeff, and the rest of the Baratie crew. She would then travel to other islands by herself from time to time, sometimes saving people and getting into fights on the way, and send letters back to her parents that tell of her adventures.

Personality-wise, Minori is a calm, collected person. She tends to keep her emotions at bay and rarely overreacts to anything, and likes to solve problems in an analytical way. Deep down, Minori is also a kind and considerate person, and is especially very compassionate towards those who are in need. She has a strong sense of justice, and believes in the notion that the strong must protect the weak. She is also a bit socially awkward, having trouble befriending people normally as they would usually get scared of her first. 

Minori is very inquisitive as a child, often questioning many things and finding solace in reading books. Because of this, she looks up a lot to Robin, whom she thinks is very intelligent and “all-knowing”.  

Because she grows up in Sunny, aside from Zoro and Sanji themselves, she is practically raised by everyone in the crew and so has imprinted some of them as well. She appreciates Robin’s morbid humor, has a slightly extensive knowledge in first aid from Chopper, can differentiate between a good and a bad lie thanks to Usopp, and comes to love music from Brook. 

People would often call her the “Miracle Child” due to the exceptional circumstances during which she was born. She is a child born into a pirate crew, with that pirate crew being the Strawhat Pirates and her parents being two of their strongest members nonetheless, and she is born when Sanji is being held hostage. (I’ll delve into that soon. Later. One day.) 

As a result of spending most of her childhood on a pirate ship, Minori has a much more hardened outlook in life, having learned how to fight and defend herself against enemies. She can be downright vicious when circumstances warrant it, especially when dealing with cruel and powerful enemies. 

She trains swordsmanship under Zoro, and as she grows stronger and more skillful in it, she begins to develop her own fighting style utilizing her enhanced speed, agility, and dexterity, of which she inherits from Sanji. 

Her sword’s tsuba (hand guard) is circular-shaped and has a wave pattern that looks something like this: 

Her epithet “Sword Princess” comes from her exceptional swordsmanship, her fighting style that’s been described as being “elegant”, and her overall wardrobe aesthetic that heavily resembles a princess. 

She is noted to have exceptional beauty, and many people have praised her for it. Sanji has been notable for furiously beating people up if he catches them ogling or talking to her inappropriately. 

Her name written in kanji would be 美緑, consisting of 美 which means “beauty, beautiful” and 緑 which means “green, greenery (the colors of trees and grasses)”. I think it’s an amusingly fitting name for Zoro and Sanji’s child. 

Since she technically exists in an A/B/O universe, she does have a secondary gender as well, which is Beta.

[mamuzzy]

— BLACK & WHITE MENTALITY —

Me, as someone with a Borderline Personality Disorder (and probably other I'm still figuring out), am I truly convinced that I’m a very logical person. The logic doesn’t have to make sense to other people, it is enough for me that I know, that there is a logic and deep thought behind everything I say or think. The problem starts when people opposing my logic, and no matter how I try to make my point visible, I will look like this in the end:

It is also a problem in general with Cluster B type personality disorders, because by our logic, we can explain EVERYTHING, why don’t we have to take responsibility for certain things we do or have done. Or worse, we want to take responsibility AND explain, and people will accuse us of wanting to find excuses and we will never meet with understanding.

Ordo can pretty much explain why he usually choose violence to solve imminent problems and not exactly taking responsibility for hurting people. Like punching Maze in the face TWICE it's not overreacting from his part, it's the stupid Alpha's fault that he is stubborn, obviously and nothing else works. /sarcasm

(more under the cut)

Finding patterns is an ability that is actually very great when I write metas or stories. I see patterns everywhere. In real life? Not so great. Because while people are showing mostly predictable behaviour patterns and we learn to understand the logical steps between how something comes from where (yes, even emotions can be explained logically), we can’t always keep one thing in mind: VARIABLES.

Like… what do you mean that my usual very kind and patient friend said something hurtful and they didn’t have patience for me like usual??? What do you mean that they have shitty day so they entire behaviour pattern changes according to their mood??? What do you mean that they won’t show the same shitty-day patterns on the next shitty day??? How am I supposed to prepare for my friend’s shitty days???? Kind is kind, shitty is shitty, friend cannot be both! Right? RIGHT…? … … Right…?

Imagine that person with personality disorder is like working with CONDITIONALS in the programming language. IF you do [something] then it’s either [this] OR [that]. There is no third options and you have choose.

THIS or THAT. ALWAYS or NEVER. ALL or NOTHING.

Always the extremes. Black and white mentality is a cognitive distortion, it means that we are having trouble seeing the world as it is: constantly changing, constantly evolving, devolving, always in the move. It has to be static, IT HAS TO BE SAFE AND PREDICTABLE.

Finding the middle ground is especially hard for us, and when I met a certain quote in the books, I kind of felt understood here.

There are lot of instances where the narrative says, you are either friends of the Nulls they would die for or an enemy they didn’t kill yet. It sounds dramatic but it actually FEELS this dramatic too.

Let’s break this in the language of PD.

You are…

A friend I would die for

An enemy I didn’t have to kill yet

If you feel like that there should be more nuanced options between the two, then you feel it right. Because in real life, your relationship with people are also nuanced. You have acquaintances. You have close friends. You have not so close-friends. You have co-workers you share a lunch but not personal informations. You have neighbors occasionally borrow sugar from, and you have neighbors you only say hello at the stairs, and you have neighbors you gossip with. You have close family members and family members we only love from distance and then you have family members you avoid like a plague. You have co-workers you hate. You hate that cashier because of their vibes, but you like the other one, but overall, you don’t speak a word to each other.

Now the real world equivalent of the Null’s mindset would be

A person I would die for

People I literally don’t give a single shit about

And then Ruusan comes into the picture. Ordo and the Nulls suddenly can’t place her everywhere between the two option. They don’t like this person, but this person actually never hurt them personally. They have to force themselves to break the computer code based of rigid conditionals to create new options to label her. Nulls, and especially Ordo can’t stand her, because he is jealous, he feels threatened by her presence, and Ordo is terribly afraid that she makes him less valuable in Kal’s eyes because she is Kal’s biological daughter. Also because with this black & white mentality usually comes pragmatism too, he is not convinced that Ruu is not here for golddigging. Her presence simply makes them angry and irritated and they can’t deal with these feelings.

Brain: BASH HER SKULL WITH A ROCK!!! Ordo: No. Brain: BUT SHE THREATENS YOUR LIFE! Ordo: I’m not in danger. I’m just angry. I have to remind myself that is not the same. I want to bash her skull with a rock, but I know that I may be overreacting. Brain: IT WILL MAKE YOU SAFE! Ordo: You are not helping here, brain, shut up.

Ruusan is not an enemy, therefore Ordo can’t dispose of her (and now that would actually be a threat to his relationship with Kal). But Ruusan is not a friend either because he doesn’t like her at all. Ordo doesn’t like Ruusan but he has to tolerate her presence. Ordo has to learn how to live with people under one roof he doesn’t like.

“KAL SKIRATA IS TRAUMATIZING HIS BABYBABU CHILDREN BY SURROUNDING THEM WITH PEOPLE THAT CAUSED HARM INCLUDING RUUSAN AND OTHER MANDO TRAINERS AND-“

In real life, you have to share workspace with co-workers you don’t like. If you are living in an apartment complex, you have to tolerate your annoying neighbours without bashing their skull with a rock. Sometimes even with family members if you don’t have the means to move out from home. Technically, you can kill people you don’t like, you have two hands to do it. But morally and socially is not acceptable to solve conflicts like this. When you are part of a 10+ people team, it is inevitable that there are people you won’t get along. Most people can just shake of this with ease and don’t take it personal that someone doesn’t like them.

But a person with personality disorders feels intense feelings. There is no such thing as feeling slightly irritated by the presence of the not-liked co-worker. That person will cause us so much stress and hateful thoughts and extreme emotions, that after pro-longed exposure for these, we’ll get exhausted, overstressed, and we eventually leave the job, because we can’t handle it anymore, and with this, we risk our financial safety too with it, our health and social relationships too.

I will write about this Black & White mentality more later in the topic of Favorite Person. ^^

Black and White mentality can be the easiest way to solve our problems, dilemmas, finding the easiest answers to questions, but always keep that in mind and remember:

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for being upset my partners went to see a movie without me while I’m in the hospital?

I’m 23 years old and vaguely fem-aligned. I’m in a polyamorous relationship with two other people, a 22 year old woman and a 23 year old man. We have all known each other for a long time and moved in together a couple of years ago.

I’ve had horrible health complications my whole life and I’m frequently traveling for that reason. The hospital I go to is in my hometown, which is a state over from where we live, and I often have to be away from home for a couple of weeks at a time. (I know it seems inconvenient to make trips like that, but there’s not a hospital closer with the means to take care of my treatment and this is the most viable option until we have the means to try and move closer.) Before anyone asks, no, I’m not going to disclose my exact diagnosis. I don’t want to get into my detailed medical history but it gets especially bad during hot months like July, so I’ve been away from home for a few weeks now.

This is kind of embarrassing to type and I promise I’m not trying to give a sob story, but I feel like it’s important for context. Growing up as a little girl who was often bedridden in the hospital, Barbie was a huge part of my life. I spent a lot of time in bed watching old Barbie movies, and while I wouldn’t say I’m a fanatic or anything pretty much any happy memory I have from growing up involves Barbie in some capacity, so I was really, really excited to see this new movie. Me and my partners made plans to see it when I got home.

I was supposed to get home on July 20th. That didn’t happen, though, because kind of unexpectedly my condition worsened and I was told I needed to stay for surgery and then recovery. I told my partners this. We didn’t talk about our plans to see the movie, but I guess I just figured postponing would be obvious. It’s not like we had reservations or had bought tickets already or anything. But I guess it wasn’t obvious, because they went to see it anyway without me. This is where I think I may be overreacting a little, because I didn’t even know they had gone to see the movie until they got back - they didn’t discuss it with me at all. I was really hurt by this; it’s not like my stay at the hospital has been extended for so long that the movie will be out of theatres by the time I get back. The two of them know my medical history and knew how excited I was about this movie, and I wanted to watch it with them - I know I could go see it on my own or we could all just go see it again, but I feel like it’s not the same? Mostly I was just upset they went without saying anything to me. I think if they had asked if I was okay with them going without me I would have said it was fine.

What really upset me though is that I brought this up to them, and while they apologized it was half-hearted and they both said they didn’t think they’d done anything wrong. Again, they know my medical history. My condition is very debilitating to me. This isn’t the first time in my life I’ve had to reschedule or outright cancel plans because of it. This was kind of a shock to me because they’ve always been understanding of that, but this felt like blatant disregard for my feelings. This was a movie with a lot of emotional significance to me, and I wanted to see it with the people I loved, and it really hurt not only to not be able to go opening night because my physical condition wouldn’t allow for it, but for them to act like apparently my being there wasn’t important? I kind of shut down during the conversation and just ended it, I’m not sure if they know I’m still upset but I’m afraid to bring it up again. I haven’t talked to either of them for a few days now, semi-under the guise of being busy (I say “semi” because again I did just get surgery, but I’ve definitely had down hours I could have messaged them. I’ve just been avoiding it.)

Am I being unreasonable? It feels so stupid to be this upset over the Barbie movie, of all things.

What are these acronyms?

[aprofessionalwithoutstandards]

On the topic of fem fortress, I agree and disagree. For the record I fall under the trans umbrella myself as well and I used the have the same opinion. You are entitled to your opinion of course but calling gender swapped art transphobic is a little too much. My problem with gender swapped art is if they make the female version without wrinkles or without the same body type. If you want to draw the mercs as trans that is totally fine and awesome but again calling people transphobic for drawing vid versions of characters sounds like a little bit of projection no offence. If someone were to draw me as a gender swapped version of me as cis personally I wouldn’t care. And again I’m only talking for me here but calling someone transphobic over something as small as this is taking away from actually transphobia that us real living people have to deal with. I don’t think I’ll change your mind and that’s ok with me. I hope you’ll at least consider this point of view. Love your blog and I hope you have a nice day.

Anon I genuinely do not want to be mean but like. do you know how to read? Nowhere in that post do I say "all genderbent art is transphobic" and I specifically disclaim that I do NOT think that because I KNEW this was the kind of reaction I would get. I can't help but feel like you are either intentionally or unintentionally misrepresenting what I said in order to make my critique sound more outlandish and unreasonable and craaaaaazy and thus easier to disagree with than it is, which is something that Always fucking happens to me whenever I talk about transphobia as a trans person, biphobia as a bi person, racism as a Latino person, etc, someone misrepresenting my argument to make me look like an oversensitive "triggered" idiot for even daring to see bigotry in something "small". I understand that YOU might feel comfortable with people whose genderbent art is like "the thing that makes this character a man is that he was born with a penis and ascribes to all cis standards of 'masculinity' and the thing that makes my new genderbend a woman is that she was born with a vagina and ascribes to all cis standards of 'femininity'" but I don't! I would not want someone to "genderbend" me and make me cis! I do not think it "takes away from 'REAL' transphobia" (whatever that means, transphobia in media and fiction is still transphobia and still affects people in real life) to say that "associating the gender of a character with the 'biological sex' of that character is cissexist" and/or "showing that you have 'genderbent' a 'male' character by making them ascribe more heavily to 'female' beauty standards is not just transphobic but misogynistic" (MASSIVE FUCKING PROBLEM with "fem fortress" designs, since when is Medic tf2 thin and petite or since when does Sniper tf2 wear makeup and a crop top and since when do either of them not have any wrinkles), that's like. completely normal media critique. I know that a lot of my followers enjoy "fem fortress" and I have tried to be as nice as I can about my critiques of SOME VERSIONS of it because of this, but like you need to be able to take critique of things that you enjoy. Nowhere do I say "all genderbend art is transphobic" but it seems like people are rejecting that for "no genderbend art is transphobic" which is just objectively untrue. I enjoy tf2 and I am able to make and take critiques of it, especially things like its portrayal of women characters (or lack thereof), but not everyone can. I would like to be able to talk about misogyny, biphobia, racism, or transphobia within this game and/or its fandom just once without someone inevitably coming to tell me "it's not that bad and you're just overreacting". I guess I'm not saying you have to agree with me but maybe try actually listening to what I say and not knee-jerk react like this bc I lightly criticized something you enjoy (which I have even praised in other posts, wouldn't you know! I think fem fortress is fun!)

[tonberry-yoda]

Hello! Can I ask for Hunter x Hunter or Spy x Family matchup? Maybe both if it's not a problem....

My pronouns are she/her and I'm heterosexual. I prefer matchup to be romantic.

Actually I am pretty calm and reserved person, I, tend to don't speak when it's not necessary but I'm way more talkative and open with people i know. I rarely show emotions and I find it really annoying when somebody is overreacting or hyperbolizing. For some positive traits I'm patient and I try to understand people, I like to put myself in the shoes of others and see things from their perspective. I dont like to judge people based on trival things when I don't know them too well. Some people around me may describe me as "cold" because I don't show too much emotions and I don't like to be informative about myself and my life. However, I don't think it's entirely true, if someone inspires my trust, I will be happy to share some thoughts and spend time with them.

When it comes to my interests, I like reading and I try to learn languages like Russian, Japanese and Korean. I especially enjoy reading about art and visiting art galleries. I try to be as open as possible and enjoy every field of art, from medieval paintings to manga.

My love language is definitely time quality, although I'm not the type of person to give 100% of my time to someone. Meetings with me may not be the most common thing, but I like to make them special. I like to talk about various, even abstract ideas. I am particularly interested in philosophy, so I would appreciate a person who would have some original thoughts and different views on things.

I've hope it's not too long! Also excuse my english it's not my first language.

hi there!!! (your english is breath by the way) i am super happy that i get to do your matchup because this one is so fun!! you're the first person to ask for two fandoms, so this is rad!! without further ado...

the hxh character I chose for you is...

KITE!!

i seriously love this man omg

he is also quite reserved, so even if you two are quiet around each other, there is still a lot of care and love between you two

he agrees that it is annoying when someone is overreacting, so when somebody does, you two just look at each other and roll your eyes and then giggle lol

he doesnt think you're cold but that's also because he is very close to you and cares about you a lot and has seen a greater side of you

who cares if you're quiet? that doesnt make you mean, it just means you are able to be yourself

that's how he sees it

and he's the same way, so he understands you

he loves that you love art and will often spend time at art galleries with you and listen to all of your knowledge

teach him what you're learning about languages, he thinks it is very cool

he loves spending time with you, but you're always both so busy, so it's rare, but that doesnt make him love you less, if anything, it makes him love you more when you go to see him

those times together are very worth it and very fun, it just really shows how much you care about each other

and you two always have deep conversations while watching the stars

its romantic in a quiet way and that's why you two are literally perfect :)

now

the spy x family character I chose for you is...

TWILIGHT!!

pretty much same deal here

he is also quiet and reserved... i mean duh

but since you two got to know each other, he couldnt help but build a bond with you

he thinks that it is better that you're reserved along with him so you can keep what you two have quiet and it's kinda awesome fr

you two definitely have time to talk and hang out, even if rare, but when you do, it's always a really good time because you always have something interesting to talk about, making it much easier to open up to one another

this man knows dozens of languages, so if you ever need help go to him

read to him, i think he would love it

you two definitely have to meet very rarely, and mostly in secret, but it's never a bad time

it'll always be getting coffee or going to a museum and it never fails to be an interesting and lovely time

he loves to hear what you have to say about a lot of different matters, so he loves talking to you about anything

and you both love learning new things, so that's always your goal when you see each other

~~~~~

matchup rules --- pinned post

@tonberry-yoda

[guardiolas]

The thing about Trent and the chat with the pregnant woman is one of divided opinion. 50% believe that the chat was real (especially when they take out of context any interaction that Trent has with a pregnant woman, as for example the interview a few days ago) and other 50% believe that the chat was fake because a person found differences in the screenshots. Anyway, it is a subject that can neither be confirmed nor discarded. About Trent trying to cheat on his ex with a Youtuber's girlfriend, I don't know anything, but, if someone knows something about that or how that rumor came up, let him comment. Until then, the man is still not cheating on anyone.

Besides, this man is always being accused of the same type of gossip about infedility, precisely because of the chats with the pregnant woman.

What interview are you referring to from a few days ago? I don't really follow lfc so consider me almost clueless 👉👈 but anyways it sounds like people overreact a lot when it comes to him, no? Is this a lfc thing or just with trent bcs I have thoughts

[honey-bee-dreamer]

alex chen listc is so utterly bpd... those abandonment issues... hoo boy i love her

Its so obvious alex falls in love hard (and not just in a romantic sense), she puts so much stock into her relationships, and gives herself over to them (and often they dont give her as much in return)

i can see her basing her entire mental state around the emotions of her FP, to the point where even the notion of them being upset at her is enough to send her into hysterics, which is how her powers come in

ties into her belief that her father leaving was somehow her fault, and carrying that over into other things

but at the same time there's a hidden hint of bitterness in her dialogue and thoughts (mostly optional things) and i can see her Splitting heavily over it.

i can very visualize steph/ryan becoming her FP and her defaulting back to people pleasing (because even tho she makes strides by the end of tc those habits are hard to break) and working herself up over the thought they may be upset at her

such as: alex giving steph a rose, and steph telling her she's leaving. maybe im projecting, but you can see a quiet sort of devastation on alex's face in that moment, because she believes her fp is going to leave her. then, of course, swinging right back around to idolization ("you mean the fuckin' world to me")

alex isnt the type to outwardly be obsessive/jealous, i dont think, she's too considerate of other's feelings for that, but i think she holds it inside a lot, which is probably worse. considering alex does have violent tendencies (power induced, but still) bottling up how she feels is not the best, especially with the thought in mind that alex has Very Big Feelings. (replaying with this mindset put alex smashing the trophy in a new light. even though she'd never say it, a small part of her feels as if gabe somehow "left her" and hearing his voice once more brought all of those conflicting feelings to the surface)

anyways thats also why ryan not believing alex is all the more tragic, because in that scenario, he's alex's FP and though his reasons for not believing alex are understandable, in the mind of a person with bpd who just had a very vulnerable moment, it's so easy to see it as "this person hates me in specific and is doing this out of a targeted dislike for me"

which is why i can believe that alex wouldn't forgive him, but then regret it, as people with bpd can often push people away in the throes of a Split only to realize they were overreacting, but now they're lost on how to get that person back.

holy god i've been talking for so fucking long, okay im done

[aewrie]

rambling about grimm hcs/au lore. and i mean rambling

my hc is that grimm adores kids & cares about them a lot, and i will die on that hill. like, if he were a regular guy with regular guy aspirations he'd love to be a kindergarten teacher. or run an art/craft club or such. something where he'd get to he'd get to spent time with kids, and encourage them to be creative and weird.

he doesn't hand grimmchild over to the summoner because he doesn't care, but because it's a necessary part of the ritual; the rare occasion where things do go wrong aside, he knows it's for the better, for the child to travel with the summoner. it allows him to rest before he burns (something he desperately needs, because once the child is in the picture, he is actively dying). it allows the child to experience things and grow beyond the scope of the troupe.

he is so protective of his child. yes, it is his reincarnation, but even if it wasn't, he would be. he was ready to die for the child when he did not realize what it was, when he did not want to be responsible for any child at all and was freaking out about the whole thing until he got too depressed about it to be freaking out. he was miserable, had nothing to gain from the situation as far as he knew, and the #1 priority was still the child.

(though, once he knew, and especially once he had trauma related reasons to be extra vigilant? yeah he might have overreacted to some truly, really, genuinely not-a-big-deal situations a few times.)

also, if an actual child did show up for his ritual somehow, he'd rather burn himself alive than go through with it. he can improvise with the ritual when circumstances are less-than-ideal and he cannot find a replacement summoner on short order, though it's not fun for anyone involved. least of all him. the course of action he would take is to find a home/caretaker for the child, gather what flames he can with the troupe's assistance, and torch himself. very much preferably in that order, so the kid wouldn't need to deal with him dying and whatnot; it is not a pretty thing to witness, even indirectly, and he will need more of an adjustment period after. not the best time to be dealing with a stray child.

just, him going up against a child (combat prodigy or not) for his own gain does not fit into the picture at all.

(i started this typing this whole thing bc i realized this specifically is a part of why child ghost bothers me so much lmao. and then i started going off on tangents)

(maybe he did do a double-take when someone tiny waltzed in, but i also think a great amount of variety in size depending on species just makes sense for bug people. and canon does have that kind of variety, too! regular mortal adults range from sly to old stag wait i forgot about bardoon he's the hugest actually, kids from millybug to marmu (these two are spirits but the sizes appear to reflect what their physical bodies were, given we have markoth and galien with actual corpses to compare to). it'd be really awkward and rude to assume shit based on size alone, i feel, if you can't clearly tell based on other features.)

grimm would also be very interested in an explanation as to how and why a child came his way in the first place.

basic rundown: there's these bugs who live apart from the troupe, keeping watch for dying kingdoms and potential summoners. the bug we dreamnail in the cave? was supposed to choose a summoner from amongst survivors, travelers, what have you. it would have been their job to set up and to light the lantern; and also to explain the task at hand and to guide the summoner to the troupe. from there, grimm handles things. alas, the bug died before they could fulfill their duty. good thing ghost had the dreamnail.

speaking of: if the dreamnail is a moth artefact associated with radiance only, it makes no sense for grimm to rely on it for his ritual. he either would have to have alternative means to achieve the same effect that all summoners can utilize, or do something else by default. in my version, no dreamnailing required. when things go as planned, at least.

when the ritual nears its end, conventionally, the nightmare king will find the summoner in their sleep, not the other way around. individuals with unusual skills or tools to reach dreams exist, thought they are rare. so while it was a surprise, it wasn't too odd for ghost to just pop in unexpectedly rather than being 'invited' (read: the nightmare king has found you! now it's time for the asskicking).

the summoner will be allowed into grimm's chambers, because the proximity makes things easier, but that's optional. not everyone can easily fall asleep when he's right there. some manage, and then wake up when they get trounced, and cannot relax again until they get some distance to grimm.

[cringelordofchaos]

RANDOM BLAZE THE CAT HEADCANNONS!! (None of these are canon)

Warning: just judging yourself too much :( (nothing too huge but felt like adding in case someone doesnt like these topics of insecurities)

While at the end of sonic rush she learned to accept her pyrokinesis, that didn't stop from many people at her home judging her for those powers, and she still had very few friends

At home she was born with a unique but hated ability to control fire. Whenever she was outwardly open about her emotions, like when she was very angry, very excited, or very scared, the fire powers occurred because those powers were meant to protect her. (Y'know because literally almost everything in our Body is meant to protect us). But she ended up hurting others on accident or at least scaring others, to the point where others started fearing her, or st least being judgemental to her, and blaze became observant and analytical of this judgement, so she can figure out who can be her friend and who can't. She ended up overthinking, and isolating herself from all others. Her parents didn't encourage her opening up or letting out her emotions, and told her it was a curse, and she can't show her emotions, which made her more closed off. It didn't help her that she, as the guardian of the sol emeralds and princess of the sol dimension, was taught not to show her vulnerable side. Because of all of this she never made a long term friend, and didn't know how to make one either. She was also an only child so she didn't have siblings to hang out with. (Sorry for all the angst )(it was mentioned blaze was never allowed to show her emotions at her dimension so I thought on expanding on it)

Birthday celebrations are a huge thing for her. I haven't figured out why get, but she was willing to literally travel to another dimension (sonic and other's dimension) that she only travelled to before in case of grate urgency just so she can celebrate sonics and later Amy's birthday with them. My HC is that A; Birthdays are just a big thing in the sol dimension in general and it's impolite not to visit them even if it's hard to get to them, B; sonic Amy and others are just generally her closest friends (and some of her only friends) so she wouldn't want to miss their birthday, or C; shes usually very lonely during her own birthdays so she wants to be there for others even if it's as small as visiting every once in a while for such events. Or D; allmof the formerly mentioned options, or st least a mix of some of them.

She's scared of accidentally hurting those closest to her, especially with her fire powers, because she accidentally set one of her parents on fire during her childhood while in a heated arguement with them. (Heated, ha. Get it?.. I'll shut up now)

As polite, gracious, elegant and royal as she seems, she still has a more casual side, she does not like when others overreact over her presence, she's humble and likes comfort

She actually met Silver on one of her more minor missions she had to take to sonics dimension, while silver was also coincidentally there at the same time and place. So I imagine something like Blaze was alone and sort of in a state of distress, as she had a lot of emotions build up over the course of her life, such as arguments with her parents, or hiding her true self, etc etc, breaking her usual calm demeanor. And Silver happened to walk by and see this, and helped her with the mission (she had a little hard time accepting help from a stranger but she warmed up to him)and they formed a friendship from then on. Now blaze usually takes the role of helping Silver, for she is grateful they had met each other. I can see them teasing each other in a sibling type way personally

She had very minor crushes on some of her friends but decided she does not want to focus on romantic relationships and she's just happy she has friends in the first place. She's aware she might change this state of mind later in life but she's comfortable at the moment.

She actually feels a lot of anger and anxiety strongly but she usually hides it. She doesn't wanna seem vulnerable to her foes, or dangerous to her friends.

I think her pyrokinesis is like an allegory or coding for being queer but that's just me. that being said I think she's either bi or lesbian or aro flux or?? I don't know ?? (She just like me) (I'm self projecting too much)

I'm not sure how to explain this one hyperspecific headcannon but when others annoy her, like her friends usually, she will give those "joking but serious sounding death threats". Sudkydi how do I explain it. Like. If someone messes with her hair or sumth like that, she will say something like "Move one more strand and I will end you".of course she won't actually end them but you get it. This either causes people to feel slightly awkward or scared, or they just ignore her threats because they know she won't actually do it.

Cream is the little sib she never had ❤️‍🔥🫀

OMG THERES A FIRE EMOJI ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥 AND A HAND HESRT EMOJI🫶🫶 AND AN ACTUAL HEART EMOJI🫀🫀🫀 AND BUBBLES🫧🫧🫧 T H E R M O S T A T EMOJI (does anyone even use his?? I will) 🌡️AND WHATER TF THIS iS🏴‍☠️

Anyway sorry I got distracted lol

She sketches a lot of realism during her free time while she's bored. She's just artistic in general, especially ever since she's learned to accept herself more

Although she's not that close to them, she has mutual respect for shadow and knuckles. She can relate to them and respect their more serious attitude

She will murder you if you hurt her friends, have my word on it. She also had slight trust issues, not too serious but they're sure there

Will use formal language a lot cuz y'know she's s princess or sumthing

She has a heightened sense of hearing and vision, and she just reacts faster to things

Anyway that's about it I have for now.

Sorry for do many instances of me accidently writing the letter "s" instead of "a" they're right next to each other and I have butter fingers

[soul-dwelling]

Do you think Oda has started to put in even more fanservice moments than before? Seems half of the recent chapters were just unecesarry ass-shots

I hadn’t noticed all of that–not exactly, anyway. 

Maybe it's because there are the other instances before this point that stood out much more.

I mean, I saw the immediate reaction online to the first reveal of Vegapunk (rather, part of him: Lilith)–and that went about what you would expect in just about any fandom’s gross sector (e.g. “horny on main”). That’s not Oda’s fault that certain fans will fixate on certain things–but he and all of us knew the fans would fixate on that. And it’s not Lilith’s fault–but, again, we know what Oda was doing, so this seems like more “pretty woman to look at” fodder. I’m not going to rail against “eye candy”; I will rail when it gets tiresome to keep up the same narrative/visual tricks to keep readers, when the eye candy detail potentially overwhelms any deeper characterization or plot or character variety, and when it is not varying your character designs. 

And while I appreciate that Lilith’s character design didn’t stick as closely to some of Oda’s typical designs for women, it was still close enough to his usual style, and it gets tiresome. It’s not as if he doesn’t have other body shapes and body types for women–but this doesn’t seem like enough, especially when deciding on a bodysuit for Vegapunk to make it clear how curvy she is. 

I’m not ignoring that even my favorites have this flaw: see Fullmetal Alchemist creator Hiromu Arakawa saying she doesn’t want skinny characters because they’ll look underfed, whereas she wants muscular characters–”men should be buffed and women should be vavoom.” I hope most of Arakawa’s remark is a gag reaction, given that Ed is definitely someone with a height and body type that is distinct and does show a believable sense of self for not having an ideal body and, you know, believable within what the Gate did to Ed and Al. 

But it still seems so limited to not want “too skinny” characters (despite, you know, really thin characters being in the manga–hi, Al in the gate). And maybe I’m overreacting to this: Rose is not Hawkeye is not Winry is not Izumi is not Ross, just as Armstrong is not Mustang is not Ed is not Fuery–so, I really don’t get saying the equivalent of “no skinny character, buff men, vavoom women,” when, no, the manga shows skinny characters, non-buff men, and not-conventionally-vavoom women. 

(Now, whether the “good guys” are all good looking in FMA while the “bad guys” are all ugly is up for debate–but I think the manga also avoids that: Marcoh has done awful things and gets scarred by Scar, but Scar has his scar yet is conventionally attractive, and Lust is firmly an antagonist and, you know, introduced to Mustang in Brotherhood with a freaking Gainax effect.) 

But to go back to your original question: I had not noticed the ass shots. So I re-read some recent chapters of One Piece. 

I mean, I kind of see what you mean with maybe two panels of Robin, Nami, and Jewelry. (Hell, got Jewelry taking off her clothes to dry them out–one of those, “Yeah, I get that she had to do that–but I also know _why else_ you’re including that scene, Oda, and I don’t think you’re doing that to most of the men.”) 

But, again, a lot of what I noticed was Lilith…and take that as you will, whether that’s on me for noticing her, or Oda trying to draw attention there. This isn’t as bad as it could be, but, yeah, it is a lot of “here are her hips.” Same with Robin, too. I’m not trying to shame anyone, and definitely not shame Lilith, Robin, or anyone else. But this is a moment of some gaze that stands out, and it stands out differently than I think most people would react to other characters’ bodily exaggerations (I don’t think most people look at Lilith’s hips as they do at Usopp’s nose, Sanji’s eyebrow, or Frankie’s…everything). 

[demonsfate]

anonymous sent . . . holy cow they're not liking your post on the tek subreddit. i find it ironic when they complain about the lore/story and then say "too looooonnng omg who cares!!!!" like bruh... buncha braindeads. maybe they DO deserve all the story mess/harada's useless "facts"

oh my gosshhhh did you find it?? you probs did 'cos it's a recent one & i have the same username as my personal LOL. like... i feel a lil embarrassed 'cos i was probs did "overreact" to the comments. but like... they were just so needlessly rude or straight up vicious. (especially that one calling me autistic, when y'know... i am straight up) i just wanted to fire back. but rly, i feared i did make myself sound too hurt when i shouldn't have.

i just don't get WHY tf i got so much backlash for it? like even in op itself, i stated i don't even hate how jun is portrayed in tek8, i simply think she is different, and therefore i just don't like her as much as i did in previous games. like... it's literally just a character analysis yet everyone acted so frickin mean about it???

and ppl mocking me for pointing out her "smiles" and stuff. but like... how a character expresses themselves tells you a lot about them. my point was that the way jun expressed herself in t8 was totally different than how she expressed herself in previous games. what best way to demonstrate that point than to show how she smiles far more frequently in t8, and how she expresses more emotions?

like character design and how they present themselves IS indeed an important factor of a character portrayal. like if jin started smiling far more, i would say he was different! if we suddenly saw josie being angry and never crying or smiling, i'd say she feels different!

LIKE i said to the kind ppl who disagreed, but POLITELY, i told 'em - i don't mind if they disagree! that's what discussions are for! but why the fuck do ppl gotta be animals about it? why do they gotta act like they were raised in a barn about it? they could've just said "i don't think this" and that's it instead of just insulting me and acting all hurt over a literal frickin opinion on a character...

i'm glad you're supportive of me, though. like these are literally the same ppl who act straight up ableist to me, or just say rude stuff, but then say "WHY IS JIN THE HERO WHEN HE STARTED WAR?! JIN SHOULD NOT BE HERO?!" it's just... i don't get it man, i don't get it at all. especially when, i'm sorry, but i betcha these ppl are def the type would watch youtube analysis. dudes can make hours long youtube vids, but when i'm talking thru text, suddenly i'm autistic or fucked in the head (as far as i know, nobody said i'm "fucked in the head" but i've been called it before for expressing my opinions on the subreddit) and yes I AM, but they're saying it like it's a bad thing and like wtf are wrong with these ppl???

i should be able to express "this character just doesn't feel the same to me and this is why-" without getting harped on?? i understand the internet is full of nasty ppl but GOSH DARN, the amount of hate i got... the fact the post had zero upvotes... just wild, man...

the funny thing is, i'm not even the only one to notice. other people on twitter has pointed this out-

why do these love the way jun looks in this game? because she gives off different VIBES than the jun in t8!

and not to repeat myself but i feel the need now 'cos hoo boy reddit users just ignored everything i said. but i wasn't even HATIN' on t8 jun, i stated she is fine - she just doesn't feel like the old jun to me is all! like my goshhhh.

anyway, i just completely left the tek subreddit after that. and like, i hadn't used reddit in a looong time and i think this is def the final straw. like my first time using it in forever and this is what happens... yeah, that's it lol. and honestly... see what i'm doing right now! i wrote a long reply to you... but that's because i'm passionate. making fun of ppl for writing long posts... it's just, ughh... it's one reason why a lotta ppl are scared to speak up about their passions, it's why a lotta ppl don't wanna infodump!

but you're right. if ppl are gonna act like this, then they do deserve terrible storytelling. "we hate these inconsistencies but also every character is inconsistent so don't complain about it" like what???

[lovely-delphine]

It is incredibly hard for me to express the sorts of emotions I’m feeling right now, and my therapist says to write things down to help the emotions be less intense. So here we go, I guess. Just a rant below.

I lost two very close friends in the span of a few days.

One of them isn’t an official “loss” but I certainly will not look at her the same again, and I may never be able to be around her again without being angry, as she insulted the fuck out of my partner system, someone with whom several of our system members are dating, using the most stereotypical transfemme stereotypes to explain why she didn’t like the way my girlfriend acted when she met her for the first time. When clearly my gf was nervous and being a bit socially awkward. It caused a major fight in which my friend felt I was severely overreacting to what she said about my gf and I was unwilling to back down from defending her. Apparently being angry when someone insults the person you love for no reason isn’t allowed anymore. Who knew.

The other one was one of my partner systems (we have/had three) and has been an extremely close friend of mine for a while. They know more about our system than literally anyone in the world—our therapist and the above mentioned partner system being close seconds. One of our subsystems was dating them. They had made plans to one day meet, as it is an extremely long distance type relationship. However I got a text from them this morning after I had barely heard anything for three days and had been quite worried (as they are chronically suicidal) saying that they feel like they've changed as a person and can no longer be our friend and partner. They offered no explanation as to why they felt like we couldn't be friends and why they wanted to break up with us. We wanted to know if it was something we did or said, or if they just felt our opinions on things didn't align anymore, etc. They offered nothing.

They both hurt, but that second one especially. The subsystem in question that was dating them is absolutely crushed. They loved them very very much, they had been deeply sexually and romantically involved with them. This person was yet another person in our life who had promised not to leave and then did. We talked them off the ledge of suicide so many times, often times staying up with them until the wee hours of the morning to ensure they were safe. We connected them with people who could get them the help they needed, we exhausted so much mental energy into just keeping them alive and with us, not to mention the subsystem who dated them had taken a huge personal risk in deciding to date them because they'd gotten their heart broken before by someone who used them and then abruptly left. And this person promised to never do that to them. And then they did.

We feel used and betrayed by someone we trusted. I am so emotionally fucked over this that I am feeling physically ill. I know this is a combination of a lot of parts' feelings, though. Used for what emotional support we could give them and used for sexual and romantic fulfillment, and then discarded when they decided we just weren’t enough for them, I guess. I wish I knew why they decided to drop us out of the blue, but I doubt I will get any explanation.

A lot of emotions going on. Really not sure how we will handle this on top of everything else going on.

[sakurahisuii]

Gas Lighter🕯️

3/28/24

👋🏼Hello Friends!👋🏼

When you hear the term gaslighter, you think of someone, usually the other person, who is engaging in this behavior, not the one being gaslit. 

What if the gaslighter and the one who is being gaslit are the same person? 

*cue the duh-duh-duhhhhhhhh music* 

This is pretty common. A lot of people tend to gaslight themselves because of self-doubt, previous trauma, self-esteem, etc. 

Unfortunately, I tend to fall into this category. However, my gaslighting is more regarding my BPD and how I react. After receiving the BPD diagnosis in April 2022, I educated myself on the symptoms. Some of the symptoms that pertain to this post are low self-esteem, over-emotional behavior, self-doubt, and mood swings. 

Sometimes, when something happens to me, I react. I tend to overreact (I mostly go from 0 to 100 in a second without any thought), which is something that emotional regulation (1 of the 4 pillars of DBT) is supposed to help with. Well, I'm still working on it. 

📚What's DBT? 

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is a type of therapy that was created for individuals with BPD and as time went on, there was a realization that it helps a lot of mental health conditions. There are four pillars that DBT focuses on. Mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and intrapersonal effectiveness.

Want to know more about DBT? Learn more: Dialectical Behavior Therapy: DBT Skills, Worksheets, Videos📚

📚What's Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation is, well, you guessed it, the skillset of the body and mind's way of regulating emotions.

I like to explain that with individuals who need assistance with emotional regulation need help with identifying and controlling those emotions because they struggle to do so. The brain and body usually provide the hormones and neurotransmitters to be released but I am still slack-a-lacking in serotonin.

Emotions are really big for individuals, especially with BPD.

Want to know more about emotional regulation? Learn more: Emotional Regulation: 6 Key Skills to Regulate Emotions (positivepsychology.com)📚

For someone who has always had extreme emotions, it is very hard to try and change the habit of thinking about how you react and stop your automatic thoughts. Of course, no one expects me to learn this skill after 1 therapy session. 

(I mean, if one does. Well yikes on you, I guess you like disappointment) 

Skills and habits take time and lots of trial and error to formulate a routine. 

Just like it takes time to adopt a new habit, it's also a lot of work to unlearn a bad habit. 

One of my bad habits, I tend to always think I overreact every time I have a big negative relationship (big fight, breakup, etc). This causes me to tell myself, "Jade, stop. You're overreacting. It's not that big of a deal, stop making it a big deal." 

Even worse, I have to go to my best and closest friend, who has been my backbone and rock through all of the BPD diagnosis, episodes, lows, and highs. Through it all when it comes to my mental health and coping. She knows it all, and she knows me very well. 

I tend to go to her when I think I overreact (which is always, especially with relationships) and ask her if I'm overreacting. 

Luckily, she is blunt and tells me how it is. (Well, lucky for most of the time, unluckily when our stubborn personality butt heads😂) She will usually be more clear-minded about the situation and explain to me why she thinks so to help me understand things. 

To me, it's the fact that I'm so caught up in my BPD symptoms that I know I always struggled with that I always feel and think I'm in the wrong.

One thing leads to another. 

I'm overreacting -> No one cares about me -> I'm such a hassle -> I'm a burden to everyone around me with all of my issues and emotions -> Everyone is better off if I didn't exist...

You get the picture... 

Until next time friends! 

-Jade💖