#frustrated note to self
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lidi, kteří říkají, že "ruská krev je zlá a nemělo by se to relativizovat a okecávat" (jichž je fakt příliš a často na místech, kde byste takhle primitivní rasismus nečekali), si nemůžou nikdy představit svět, v němž vyhrál ne stalin, ale hitler.
výroky "všichni Rusové/Češi/Němci/Portoričané něco" jsou kategoricky nepravdivé, protože stanovit pro podobně rozsáhlé vzorky jednotné subjektivní morálně-volní vlastnosti prostě nejde. považovat je za pravdivé člověka naopak kategoricky řadí, jen tak pro pořádek, mezi nepřátele pluralismu a třč. západních hodnot obecně
#frustrated note to self#a to bych dal fakt hodně za to aby ukrajina vyhrála ukrajinu a klidně kursk k tomu#thoughts
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A little promo with my little obsession on the side...........
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mmezzy.bigcartel.com
#klance#halloween au#im projecting on the internet my own impostor syndrome#i feel that im awful and should be learning how to draw instead of writing shitty fics#and when i want to write a post and share a little doodle or smth - 'sorry' is right between the lines and its so frustrating#like???? nobody probably cares#im either here or im not#and if i need to finish that little abomination of a fic then so be it you'd think people wouldnt mind too much#and would still want to listen to my captions and see whatever silly doodle however silly it is as long as its true#..............but what if its all redundant#what if i cant draw after i had to flip my entire routine upside down#and will forever chase a thrill of feeling like a prolific artist and it will be always out of reach now#what if people scroll past my art and feel nothing now#what if world is filled with people who kinda hate klance but stay out of reflex and not bc its their deeply routed source of comfort#what if i reached an artistic plateau and will never be good enough#what if this is the limit of my 'talent'#what if i will forever love the projects i want to share but will always hate the execution of it wanting to fix it fix it fix it learn mor#i keep reading the little notes i get on orders#some screenshots i saved#i find good words and opinions and love letters to art as a whole#and i feel insufficient#subpar#i drew a comic about it to an old poem and still havent finished it#there is a point of trying your best when it stops feeling like a challenge and feels like a failure#its the moment where you keep going of course#and yet#there are emotions im sure nobody shares on social media bc we just try to get through them#but who else will take it better than tumblr tags#either way if im less around its because im dealing with creational self-hatred and artistic ambitions#but on the other hand arent all artists like that? i ran out of tag space btw have an awesome weekend
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Theyre trying to blame us x reader writers as a whole for tiktok post-quarantine teenager brain rot spreading to tumblr/fandom again . But I don't let it get to me
#I just find it funny because I like to read this slop and the decline in overall quality is frustrating to me#and I imagine others like me who were doing it or reading it for a while too#It's not my fault or the fault of anyone else that people found an easy notes hack#But this whole conversation is always doomed to revolve around the evil sin of#inserting yourself in media instead of being self-avoidant and not the actual problem (declining media literacy and algorithmaxxing)#But I don't let it get to me .
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It's a good thing I've decided never to email professors out of office hours, because otherwise I'd totally be emailing advisor at 3.a.m. stuff like "at first one desires to receive wisdom from one's mentors, then approbation, and in the end one is begging for compassion. Sincerely, Jeremiah 20:14"
#it's good policy lads believe me#the bottoms of shame despair and frustration I have reached with thesis this week you cannot imagine#and yeah 18 year old me was like “I want to learn EVERYTHING from these mentors”#and 22 year old me was like “I wanna make them proud of me”#and 30 year old me is like “please do not despise me I was bullied throughout my school years#and so my sense of self worth is deeply tied to academic performance and in its absence#all that there's left to hang onto life as project is having your compassion rather than your contempt“#on another note I'm experiencing so much grief these days about all the things I didn't achieve in my 20s#which is weird because this kinda should mean I've reached a place where I feel safe-er?#doesn't feel like under the light of day#but it sure does attack me at night when I'm trying to sleep#grief is manageable#despair though that's the very tough one obviously
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I think, after 2 years, I finally figured out how to draw his hair in a way that I like lol.
I have said this several times before but, I swear it is true this time.
This is technically for my DC/DP fic from a couple years ago. One that I recently updated b/c I realized I had picked at it enough that I had a full chapters.
#DC/DP#danny fenton#my doodles#link for convenience#in hindsight danny's hair probably doesn't need to be quite so curly#especially his human hair#but it works for the au i'm using it for#I want to get back to this au so bad#but one of the issues is I started it when I was sick with covid#and I knew where I wanted it to go#but not how I wanted it to get there#which of course didn't bother me at the time#b/c I was fking sick!#so I have to rebuild my outline and hope I can make shit make sense from here on out#which is quite frustrating#note to self#never start posting fics when i'm sick again#especially if I actually like the concept
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i love vueko but i need to be slightly less vueko* and more belaf. and i don’t just mean i want to be a confident and dignified and intense looking person of unconventional appearance whose gender isn’t necessarily clear upon initial visual assessment. actually maybe i do
#*note: i think she’s a way way stronger and better person than me!!#i actually generally resist comparing myself to Vue for that reason#it goes hand in hand with my frustration with how much o fthe fandom infantilizes or victimizes her#i don’t see her that way! i think she has way more strength and agency than me even if she has no idea#BUT#we are both nervous blobs. this is inescapable.#(i also think that Sex Meta Aside we both love the same way. deep admiration with no expectation of return.)#(it can be dangerous unless you fall for someone that truly deserves it. but that aspect is entirely down to my Belavue Hallucinations)#(anyway i need to be less of a self Doubt Blob even though i love that Self Doubt Blob)#this post wasn’t really about gender it was about dignity and confidence but also if we’re gonna go there#i’m a woman but I want to be a woman like everyone’s favorite Androgynous Woman Version of Belaf#GNC Woman Belaf in Vuebela Yuri..Save Me [All of That Phrase Repeated]…#are there seven gender versions i like for that thing or only six? I forgot. I need to write a list again
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fascinating revelations out of my dad's professional coaching of the whole family today
my mom scored astonishingly high on empathy and caring for a woman who seemed to find it next to impossible to express that to me
my dad has done an insane amount of work to be so warm and personable considering that his natural inclination is towards strong reserve rooted in anxiety (just like me!!)
my sister shocked - SHOCKED 🙄 - to learn that she scores almost zero in empathy AND very high on manipulation
actually shocking reveal that my sister always knew she was my mom's favorite. like I kind of assumed she was mean to both of us but apparently most of the biting comments were for me
#in regard to number 3 I'm like bestie. you think you're the protagonist of the world. you tried to get me to come out to our parents#as a way to manipulate them into being happier for you for your engagement#you have a movie script in mind for your life and you try to get others to fit it#of COURSE you're low in empathy and high in manipulation#the mom's favorite thing was actually very surprising to me to hear bc i've never thought about it that way#mom's attitude towards me was so pervasive to my experience of childhood that i never considered that i had it worse than her#vis a vis getting chewed out and in trouble and snapped at and criticized constantly#the impression i got was that mom thought i was a crybaby and fragile and forgetful and dowdy and needy#my sister by contrast was the kind of girlboss my mom could like more easily#(i do wonder then that mom's bestie is a lot like me)#i know my sister got some Mom Comments and impatience and fighting too but it doesn't seem to have stuck with her so much#i dunno how i feel about it all#a lot and i mean A Lot to consider#also learned my sister doesn't really remember our grandma on mom's side and picked up a vibe that she's sad about it#i was a little dismissive in the moment of the idea that she was doting bc i remember her being very brisk and exacting#but i think like my mom she cared a lot but found it hard to express it in ways that weren't like. providing. keeping things shipshape#not very demonstrative and pretty intimidating to a kid#but i still do remember a few good things about her; note to self to tell T those stories#looking at cardinals on the deck. the roofing project. her painting my sister's nails. watching lion king and the old cinderella with us#good moments#it makes me think of the way mom used to really put care into giving us thoughtful gifts but she'd hardly ever play with them with us#i think it would have gone a long way with me at that age if she'd been willing to take the initiative rather than wait to be invited#i always thought that she knew so much and what she could do was so cool; i just never felt comfortable asking#bc she didn't seem like you could just ask her to come have fun#meanwhile my dad Knew a lot less stuff and had fewer cool hobbies but he was goofy and fun and willing to get on the floor#i think i understand why they were the way they were but still im frustrated#bc like t was saying today. now that mom's retired she's actually fun?? she's not stressed and angry all the time and she has time for us?#or at least for my sister anyway... but i will agree; she seems a lot happier#and i wish she'd been able to be happier when we were younger#neither me nor my sister came out of that with anything close to secure attachment
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hateeeee having to rely on my mum to do everything for me still at the moment T_T feel so so soooo guilty having to ask her to help me wash and to change my dressings and to bring me meals every day and i am dreading so so soooo much having to go back to a&e at the weekend to get the stitches because the fact that i am going to be making her sit there for most likely 5+ hours when i know she despises waiting fills me with such self disgust T_T
#its GETTING TO ME i want to cry lol#was manageable for a couple of days but now its been 2 weeks of this asking for help with even small things makes me want to rip my own#skin off#my mum WILL make her frustration and impatience obvious while were waiting at a&e and i WILL be desperately trying not to cry about it#honestly i should be dreading going because of the actual stitches and waiting myself but it is so greatly overshadowed by my guilt#would go on my own but i know she wouldnt want that or let me either#desperately want to be cared for and looked after vs immeasurable guilt and self hatred for making people spend their time and effort caring#for me. arghhh#on the same note i really want to change my bedsheets but i cant bring myself to ask her :')) my older sister is coming home for a few day#tomorrow so i might ask her actually#god i hate taking up space having any impact on peoples lives makes me convinced i dont deserve to exist lol
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the bossfight with jingliu vs the bossfight with firefly
#hsr#hsr 2.7#no spoilers just a note to self to not ignore enemy weaknesses so often LMAOOOOOOO#jingliu & sunday died like 10 minutes in and i spent another 35 growing frustrated with the boss#because gallagher & aventurine. though disgustingly good at staying alive together#COULDNT DO ENOUGH DAMAGE#so the boss shield reset every time it reached like 30%#you try fighting a boss whose invuln phase lasts forever but youre not dying either#because your shielder has almost 6k defense and your healer heals himself to full every turn#theyre too good at their jobs#firefly nuked it though. yeah firefly obliterated the boss#sad that i had to do it (my firefly build is jingliu's LC & boothill's relics) but hey man. i made it#final review update good i am weeping. thank you
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big epiphany you guys. big. huge.
#cliffnotes for context: smute almost finish masters. smute think oh‚ maybe phd not crazy wacko shit‚ maybe i can try#but smute also low self esteem. with any small setback - smute think oh what is point. smute bound to fail#problem is: smute genuine self doubt = smute quotidian frustration#ok normal english now#so thats what i realized today. a lot of the ''small'' things i dream of (financial independence‚ a nice little apartment etc) are#expressions of some low level frustration with my nomadic broke student life#rather than genuine desires. and as dumb or as#duh#obvious as that may sound rn#its actually huge for me that i was able to recognize the difference today#this question of what i will do after i graduate has been haunting me for the past year#and i am now realizing that a lot of my own arguments have nothing to do with what i want#just because they're things i don't currently have doesn't mean they would be fulfilling#and#again. duh.#but like. between this debilitating self doubt and certain external pressures 🤨 it was hard to see the difference#anyway i basically just explored some alternative scenarios today#like specific scenarios. went on indeed found some really good stuff and tried to imagine my life a year from now if i took this or that jo#and the end result was that i fucking hated it. they were all great options on paper but the takeaway was that i would never forgive myself#if i didnt give this a try. if i prioritized some vague notion of independence or this idea of ''settling down'' or whatever the fuck#over the one thing that ive got going for me#like i still don't know if the academic path will be any more fulfilling than some other job#god knows my entire academic career so far has been an insane uphill battle. but it's also been so fucking rewarding. like nothing else#and i also still dont know how genuine this wish is#if it's not maybe still about proving myself to some imaginary authority#but like. how long can you psychoanalyze yourself before your goddamn head explodes#no matter how pure my motivation is im beginning to understand that i dont want this to be the end of the road#and maybe that's enough#&#note to self
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柄本 佑 || 「光る君へ」 (2024) · 第二十五回 「決意」
#柄本佑#tasuku emoto#光る君へ#hikaru kimi e#1x25#made by me#fujiwara no michinaga#藤原道長#michinaga in this episode:#being a girl/boy dad 🥰#taking out his frustration on Yukinari😡#not understanding what Haruaki implied basically because Saburo can only write his own name (illiterate!michinaga me loves)#interesting relationship development w/ Takaie#manipulating Ichijo tenno into doing things he wanted him to do😱#heard Mahiro's getting married and behaved perfectly as an adult#phewwww what a busy couple o' months in Dairi#tbh it's so scary to see michinaga's sooooooooo manipulative#you know he's going places but it makes you fear that it might not be by the RIGHT way#also I wanna say that#I feel like. the acting normal after the big reveal of mahiro getting married is such a genji vibe#that's definitely a reaction genji would have#but then the many things he granted mahiro with a normal congratulations note that's not his handwriting#that's very RealHistory!michinaga-coded#and I think it's AWESOME#that Oishi sensei & Tasuku-san fuse the two characters together#both did a great job#I love Tasuku-san's little frown with a hint of self deprecation#also understanding#so subtle and nuanced#oh michinaga you LOVER
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oc 🤗🤗🤗🤗 matt:) hes the silliest guy
#i got new glasses for astigmatism as well this time and they warp my vision at the edges it’s FRUSTRATING#oc#original character#original charater art#my aunt insulted this drawing (except the body which. ofc is the best part bc I USED A REFERENCE) and im kinda self conscious niw HELP#GGHHDHDHDHHHHJDEHJEDJHJH I LOVE THIS LIL GUYYY!! i love projecting onto him too#art#artists on tumblr#digital art#oc art#uhhmm idk#if this gets one note im celebrating im popping open a bottle of champagne and and throwing confetti in the air and
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reeeeeeally wish. it didnt feel. like the needs of my body vs the needs of my brain were actively in fucking conflict with each other in a way that makes it impossible to function or exist
#toy txt post#chronic pain#just. really frustrated. cant see a way out or through or over or whatever here yall#augh#and dad wants me to. do what i was doing before that made everything worse somehow as a method to get my foot in the door and fucking#network???? to do?????? unclear. until i get what. middle management?#how the fuck would that help anything#meanwhile i am trying to muster the executive function to complete. the catpans#ouaghghahghhgghg#it is so hard to be gentle with myself about this bc it doesnt feel like i deserve gentleness for it! like i have worked so hard to try to#unlearn the ableism and shit but that doesnt really fucking help much if both my parents just keep that shit so deeply baked into their#worldview that they interpret me trying to treat myself a little gentler as being a lazy freeloader or whatever#like im really trying not to be too harsh on myself about this but for what? at least if im mean to me about it i have ground to stand on#in calling their meanness unjust and unnecessary cos dont worry!!!!!!!!! i can reproduce the entire fucking ableism cycle inside my own#head and self flagellate for not being able ti push through it like you guys did so you dont have to! in fact i am so good at it that it#makes it an impossible topic to address! bc i just speedrun everything into thinking of myself as worthless so you dont have to! see im not#a total laze/s#god. i hate this so much so fucking much. aaaaagh. there are a number of things i CAN do and unfortunately none of them seem to be#the necessary administrative faff of it all#oausbdjsfusbfhshhrrrgrhrhgggg#trying to organize notes of talking points to unpack this a little in therapy this week but its only the second appt. so like. she wanted#to go through a bit of a questionnaire? idkkkk
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old meme asks I'm answering weeks if not months later for 500 orz
What’s a fic idea that you have but haven’t written yet?
good god so many. I have more than one document for storing them. I have a document for whumptober every year since 2021 that includes ideas I had for that year and didn't execute.
for the purpose of this meme I will go with ideas that I have not even started writing, and will do a bulleted list sampling:
xue yang masturbating in his xiao xingchen costume after xiao xingchen’s death (sad)
post-this world is gonna break your heart fic with an injured xue yang ending up on jiang yanli's doorstep
completely unhinged grieving xue yang comes back for revenge on chang ping
something something xue yang vs. his own body something
millions knives vivisection fic. that's all i've got
vegas + truth serum = bad
the fic that my notes summarize as "pete makes some minor error that could’ve gone a lot worse and it sends him into a guilt spiral about the time vegas almost died because he didn’t stop it"
bad idea mu qing/hua cheng sexcapades during the 800 years
xue yang learning to read from jin guangyao
jin guangyao and jiang cheng coparenting fic
xue yang vivisection fic. look you guys. it's fine. it's not important
songxuexiao where xiao xingchen's suicide fails and song lan and xue yang have to cooperate to keep him alive
one (or more) of the many varied "no baixue temple massacre" aus I've contemplated at one time or another, including the "xue yang ditches the jin to stalk his new obsession, xiao xingchen thinks he's made a friend" one
kinn and vegas bodyswap fic making the second fic i might write for a trope i think of myself as deeply disliking
a fic i've only thought out to the point of writing down "bingjiu not-a-fix-it fix it"
kinn/vegas misc. villains made them do it cousincest
and many many many many more not including the 70 odd unfinished things i've got sitting around here
#conversating#ameliarating#i need to go through my 'notes to self' tag to remember the new ones i've gotten from rejectedfables#because i know there's been at least two of them in the last month#confessions of a frustrated writer#i want to write so many things. above not my skill level necessarily but my energy and time levels#lise memes
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Haikuku, no. 390
How many chances have I missed by assuming the answer was no?
--haikuku
#haiku#haikuku#haiku on tumblr#feelings#emotions#emotional health#haiku poem#haiku poetry#frustrated#i wonder#missed connections#missed opportunity#missed chances#assumptions#regret#self esteem#self worth#note to self
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sudden realisation that the thing holding my art back is that I never had an anime phase
#going to find a time machine and get my younger self into death note or smth#I have been driving myself insane for the past few years bc I wanna draw characters but all I know how to do is portraits#I’m trying to figure out how I could recreate smth similar now and tragically I think it does just come down to draw more :/#however! I am also going to try using brushes which will be bad for sketchiness and better for lineart bc I might need to force myself here#I just gotta simplify things down to basic shapes how hard can it be#[has been thinking this exact thing for years and it’s not worked]#I am getting better every time I do stuff I’m just not satisfied bc art is frustrating when you know what you want but can’t get there#god it’s 2am I should not be awake rn but I could draw again tonight so I was taking advantage#endlessly frustrated by hair. why is it so awkward. I need to understand hair better how do I do this#i have a feeling it’s bc I’ve not figured out how to apply the shit I figured out abt volume yet#I’m also getting impatient bc I’ve been trying to do a study thing for some art styles but I decided I wanted to draw ocs instead of that#when I hadn’t gotten to the actually important bit which was. making smth new. but I can still do that#and I ended up doing a different style anyway (someone pls stop me rounding everything make me use high opacity square brush for my health)#the Other problem is I never wanna switch brushes. like I want to use one brush for whole drawing bc the extra clicks annoy me#I wonder if there’s a shortcut to swap brushes#anyway I’m gonna stop complaining bc drawing is fun but god I wish I’d drawn some more pokey mans when I was a teenager yknow#ideally younger. would rlly like to not have to actually think to figure this out rn#I’m probably overthinking stuff anyway honestly and I KNOW I’ll get it if I practice enough but goddamn it is hard to practice#especially when my me insists on making the bad things look better by making it more realistic#instead of figuring out why the shapes aren’t working#OKAY IM DONE WITH THIS NOW. GONNA TRY NEW ART THINGS LATER STOP TALKING <3#luke.txt
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