#goes through a lot of changes because I can't stick to one idea

[zaphiyy207]

Essence of Dreams

—Chapter 2

"The era of peace is now ticking down"

Fumu jinx herself and pays the price

I'm focusing on this as if I have no important test tomorrow morning that i haven't revised yet.

(h a)

Updates will be slow due to work!

[greyskyflowers]

I really want something where Crystal and Charles see all of Edwins memories. Maybe Crystal is trying some new stuff with her powers and accidently drags Charles with her into Edwin's memories.

Some of it flashes by quick. His childhood, the years with Charles before they met Crystal, the cat king, Monty, a majority of Port Townsend.

Some of it drags by. His death, hell, meeting Charles, hell again, Esther, Niko.

She knows Charles kind of has an idea of what to expect but knowing and seeing are two different things.

Crystal can't even watch most of it. Crouching down and covering her eyes, crying and occasionally making a sound like she was going to be sick.

They can't make any changes, of course, and they can't talk to anyone. These things have already happened and they're just watching them but Charles breaks her heart.

He bounces between furious and devastated.

He walks around the boys holding Edwin down to sacrifice him like he's looking for an opening, around and around restlessly. He knows, even better than she does, that he can't do anything.

Hell is even worse. Charles is clearly upset but he's not surprised, a grim determination that has him trailing after Edwin like a shadow. He keeps up with Edwin, running with him through the hallways and making himself watch each time it all starts over. He runs back to find the new Edwin and sticks close again, right beside him or behind him. He doesn't get in the way or try to stop it, he can't do anything so he's trying to provide a comfort that Edwin can't feel.

He sits with Edwin when he finds a place to hide, just watching him. Sometimes he talks. She can't hear what he's saying but she can guess.

Sometimes the demon doesn't kill Edwin right away and he isn't hiding so much as trying to find a place to curl up and die. Charles follows, sometimes circling him like he had when they saw the boys who sacrificed him.

She doesn't understand why he's making himself watch it all. How can he watch it when Crystal can barely tolerate just the sounds?

She's never seen him so focused. She thinks he might have forgotten she's even here.

Ghosts bleed here, they can feel and, the last thing Edwin felt as a living being was hands holding him down and the last thing he truely felt while dead would have been the last time the demon ripped him apart before he escaped hell. No wonder he's less bothered by iron than Charles. Iron is nothing compared to this.

She wants to tell Charles to come over to her. Tell him to stop watching, god why is he watching?

She knows why though, because he needs to know. Usually the mind can conjure up things much worse than reality but she thinks that neither of them could have imagined something like this. She knows Charles saw some of it when he went to get Edwin the second time but it wasn't a lot. He and Edwin were both tight-lipped when it came to hell, other than Edwin mentioning it vaguely here and there, usually in arguments.

He passes her again as he follows Edwin, again and again, and she goes to yell at him but she stops. His jaw is clenched the way he does it when he's truely furious, and his mouth is a thin line.

Charles can be scary when he's angry, especially when he's angry because someone has hurt Edwin. He would never hurt her but there's a cautiousness to how she speaks to him when he gets like this. Forget the cricket bat, he looks like he'd throw himself at the demon with just his nails and teeth if he could.

The memories go on and he's just as restless during Edwin's second trip to hell, only relaxing when he appeared in the memory.

Watching Esther is hard, Charles doesn't move during this one, just stands by the table Edwin is stuck on and stares.

This one is different and she thinks it because Charles was here for this one. She knows he's in the kitchen, kept in place with an iron collar and stuck listening to Edwin scream.

Crystal loses track of them as she sees Niko in the corner and sudden she needs to see it. She can feel Charles look over at them as Niko dies on the floor but he stays where he is until Edwin is up and next to Niko too.

More memories slip by until they're suddenly thrown back into the real world.

It's jarring, like something smacked them on the back of their heads. It takes them a minute for the world to stop spinning and their thoughts to reform. It's been seconds, maybe a minute, since they'd been thrown into the memories. Crystal feels like she's aged 10 years.

She does think she understands Charles a lot more now. She knows she's going to be reluctant to let Edwin off somewhere by himself, not that Charles would let him.

Edwin looks nervous, looking at them then the floor and back up to them again. He straightens the ends of his sleeves the way he does when he needs something to do with his hands and then he starts to press against each other. He must have a good idea of what happened and what they probably saw.

She remembers one of the deaths where he had ended up close to where she's been curled up. The way he laid on his side and just stared at the wall, quiet and accepting, the way tears rolled down his face and he just kept bleeding. Until he didn't anymore and Charles took off without a word to go find the new him again.

Niko is beside him and looks at both Charles and her with big eyes. She wonders what they look like, if they look any different to her and Edwin.

Charles makes a vague stangled noise beside her, makes a move towards Edwin, and she takes a deep breath.

Right. Okay, she and Niko need to leave. Like, right now. She has a feeling that the boys need to have a very long talk. And just cling to each other for awhile.

She grabs Niko, who looks at Edwin to see if he wants her to stay but he shakes his head just enough for her to let Crystal get them both out the door and away.

As they're leaving, she wonders what she'd do if someone had shown her Niko's death over and over. She looks at the other girl, who still looks worried but gives Crystal a little smile.

Maybe they need to have a talk too.

🌙🌙🌙🌙🌙

Two side notes:

*Currently living for the idea of Charles and Crystal going feral over Edwin and Niko being hurt. And vice versa.

*You know when dogs/wolves circle something over and over, like they're trying to herd it or just watching from all sides? Idk for some for some reason I just picture that from Charles in certain situations. Especially when he can't do anything. Just circling it over and over like eventually he'll see something, find a way to do something.

[heroicn0nsense]

I guess I'm about to get real vulnerable on main here, but I saw some kinda "BookTok" disk horse cross my BlueSky feed, and it's got me thinking in a way I really can only discuss without a character limit. But it feels kind of relative to an over all trans creative experience. Maybe more specifically for us masc people, but. You know. Maybe the threads are different but the weave a similar picture. Anyway, this is kinda what my tumblr blog has become, and so here goes. Please note I also use 'queer' as an all encompassing term, as to me it is the most inclusive word I can use despite its dubious origins and history. Sorry if that upsets anyone.

The funniest thing about this whole conversation popping up was the fact that I had just been lamenting about finding the concept of 'romantasy' fun but what I'd give to find or read something with a transmasc protagonist paired with an opposite partner of any gender. Something my masc bisexual ass would love to see. Mostly because I see and support so many ones that are sapphic in nature, but hardly see any masculine. Maybe I'm not looking in the right places but Anyway. Just so happened that in the next hour I saw what I was looking for cross my Bsky feed, but with the author show casing the really nasty and negative comments he received on his concept. things like but not limited to:

"of course the transmasc character is a twink bottom" "just a girl who got a mastectomy" And other just Internalized Misogyny and Heteronormative things that affect a good portion of us transmasculine guys.

And idk, man it really struck a nerve with me.

If only because first and foremost, the author is writing something he wanted to see. Filling a niche and void he wanted to see realized, and like so many other authors' works, in a way that feels personal to him. And to attack it in such a way was pretty vile.

Queer stories and creations in of themselves are personal stories, because we write from our own experiences, and put them in our original works whether subtly or not so subtly. It's there, and you can't separate the queer experience from a queer work because by its very nature its queer. But also like, that experience isn't the same for everyone. And we shouldn't expect it to be. So, no, not every work is going to be what you want or associate with. But we should be uplifting all of it so that someone with an idea or concept that does speak to you will have the confidence to bring it to the table. And yeah. Unfortunately, that sometimes means that cliches are gonna happen. That twink ass transmasc might end up being a bottom 75% of the time.

But it also like, led me to associate my own struggle of accepting my own body and transness and some of my own preferences in the bedroom.

I'm not saying that all writers, artists, or creators are using their method of making art to explore their own hang ups with their gender and bodies, navigating this absolutely messy and strange world of norms and expectations while simultaneously seeming to want to turn them on their head. Gender is complex. Being trans is complex. And it gets weird, and sometimes we need outlets to work our way through it.

But also, most of us transmasc people have vaginas. It's just a fact of life. We've got a big ol' gaping axe wound of an organ sitting between our legs and for a lot of us, it still feels good to stick something in it, and we shouldn't be ashamed of that at all. And hell, a lot of us are short, considering our genetics are wired that way and no amount of HRT is going to change the fact some of us aren't going to get past 5'5". But sometimes, especially with what is expected to be masculine by gender norms, and the physical form of a cis male body, it can sometimes be really hard to reconcile that.

I know it was for me. To the point where I often struggled with my sexuality and my relationship with intimacy about it for a long time.

I made my character Akihiro while I was, and still am parsing through a lot of my own dysphoric issues, and paving my own way to acceptance. And that's made him a deeply personal character to me. And he has grown and changed as I project a lot of those issues on to him and his development. Akihiro has been an exploration of myself as much as he is an an original character that I role play. But not so much in the ways of personality, but more in the ways of the challenges with which he is presented and has to navigate himself.

Akihiro is a trans man in a world that is accepting of it. Society has progressed past these petty and arbitrary standards. But he becomes a cyborg at a time where the question is instead what it means to be human, and so...The aspect of depersonalization, dysphoria, and depersonalization he experiences at the hands of transhumanism is not so different than what I have and do experience in my own transition.

Akihiro wasn't always trans. That was honestly a pretty recent development and one that I did struggle with making. And I realized I was struggling with it because of those same dysphoric issues. And I just needed to let them go.

It was reflected in another recent development; the way that I had Akihiro handle his genitals when he was presented with the option to upgrade from none to a functioning set. And he chose to go with what he had been born with, the genitals he had when his body was mangled. He went with a vagina. Because he wanted to embrace the body he had taken for granted before he lost it, and not some idealized version of himself he could have obtained at any point prior.

And yeah. He 'bottoms' the majority of the time for his boyfriend because he enjoys it. But it doesn't stop him from topping him either, nor enjoying that. Nor had it stopped him previously from being intimate with other men and women. And that's his preference as a character.

And who are we to say it wasn't the same for this author? Where he is putting his feelings and acceptance of his own body and desires onto paper? And that is being met with such vitriol because it's not someone else's idea of what is masculine, or whatever. I don't know. Maybe they weren't. Maybe they did just wanna write some twink ass boy getting dicked down and like, that's fine too. Why do we have to be so mad about that?

And maybe this was just a lot of words to say that I think we get so wrapped up in words and labels for things that it completely erases the nuances of our own experiences and it turns right back around to being so queerphobic and limiting. And we don't give ourselves, much less other people, the grace to create the things they want to, and from a place of their own experience and desire. It's harmful.

[wisteria-lodge]

About the gender in hp thing: I know JKR wrote the books wanting the patriarchy to have minimal impact on the world but even through a couple of the metas you wrote you can see that that’s not the case. In your character crying post there’s a clear implication that showing that kind of emotion is a weakness but also that it is not masculine. Equating strength with masculinity is foundational for cultures with strong patriarchies, and this idea infests every other aspect of their lives. Idk because of that and many other reasons I have a very hard time of writing the wizarding world as anything other than a patriarchy

This is a watsonian analysis vs doylist analysis issue.

I 100% do think that JKR went out of her way to really, really downplay the importance of gender in her worldbuilding - and this contributes a lot to the specific feel of the world. You could genderflip, idk. Neville. Snape. Draco. Hermione. McGonagall. and almost no plot elements or character dynamics would change. (Maybe James would bully Severus slightly differently? Idk. He honestly might not.)

Compare HP to something like His Dark Materials, another British fantasy series released at the same time, marketed to the same demographic... in which gender politics are REALLY important. Lyra conforming or not conforming to specific gender norms hugely impacts the way a lot of other characters treat her. So much of Mrs. Coulter's character has to do with how she's navigated the back ways and side avenues into power, because the patriarchy that runs *that* world is extremely explicit and plot relevant, and there's a lot she just can't do.

Now is JKR *good* at writing a gender-blind world? Not really no. So she's stripped out the importance of gender in a fairly surface way, while leaving evidence of the foundations intact. Everyone's a het couple, women take the husband's last name, Molly and Petunia are at home while their husbands work and there's no inverse of that situation, Fleur's father walks her down the aisle at her wedding, it's important that Hermione be able to tame her hair when she wants to, but for Harry it doesn't matter...

There is ALSO the narrative voice poking through and putting its own spin on everything. This is where we start getting judgment (for example) directed both at girls who are too feminine, and at girls who aren't feminine enough. Or sexual assault not really "sticking" if it's directed at boys. We don't have a character talking, in-universe, about how it's wrong for a woman not to want children. We just have a book where the only women who don't have kids (or take care of kids) are villains. Same thing with masculinity = strength = no crying. That's something the narrative framing / bias of the author brings to the table, but it's kept out of the mechanics of the magical world. I guess you could say Harry and Draco equate crying/fainting with weakness (but not explicitly anti-masculinity)... but then Lupin goes out of his way to separate 'fainting' from 'weakness' anyway.

Interestingly, gender is much more baked into the muggle worldbuilding. (Part of why I think leaving that aspect out of the wizarding world was a deliberate choice.) Smeltings is an all-boys school, so is St Brutus.' Dudley teases Harry about his "boyfriend" Cedric, Vernon sizes up Arthur and Mad-Eye by how masculine they are. At the beginning of Book 4, Dudley's diet is this very gendered conflict between Vernon and Petunia, where Vernon doesn't want a "little nancy boy for a son" - and that is one of the only truly gendered insults in the whole series. "Crybaby" almost counts... but the Slytherins tease Hermione for crying too, so idk. They tend to go for pretty gender-neutral insults, like "poor" "unimportant parents" "looks like a chipmunk" ... etc.

Like... I'm trying to imagine a scene were Lucius lays into Draco for not being masculine enough, and I can't. I think that in a canon-compliant fic, a scene like that would feel odd. The conflict would need to be framed more like a "you disgrace the name of Malfoy with your weakness" or "never tell anyone outside the family what you're thinking" or "your believe yourself to be more intelligent than you truly are." Not "you need to man up."

[satoriberry]

Y2K!!

#??: BLUE LOCK BOYS AS 2000s MOVIE TROPES.

#CAUTION: PROBABLY MAKING SHIT UP AS I GO BUT WHO CARES. LOTS OF COMPOUND SENTENCES???

#BERRY'S PRE-WRITING NOTE: if you're gonna ask, "wow aya did you actually research 2000s movie tropes to write this", the answer is going to be a big fat NOOOO im going off my idea of a 2000s movie using all the ones i watched as a kid/recently. some of these may be like late 2000s at most but we're sticking to y2k lol

Jock/Popular boy that asks you out and makes you his girlfriend because his friends dared him to do it. But then he starts to actually like you and falls for you eventually. He'll run after you during prom when his friends out him and reveal that it was all a dare (initially) and tries to repair your broken heart, even if it meant embarrassing himself. Movie ends with you forcing him to do a really embarrassing dare during graduation in front of everybody to make up for hurting you.

-> OTOYA, OLIVER, Shidou (?), Imamura, Kuon (if we up his asshole-ness jusssttt a bit more), KAISER

MC's comedic relief bestfriend (most of whose lines get followed by a laugh track if the movie is bad) who wasn't even interested in you (the bff of the love interest), but as the movie goes on, you two forcibly spend more and more time with each other and eventually have to concoct the final plan that'll get MC and his love interest together. when he tries to confess 3 minutes before the movie's ending, you have to pull him in by the collar and give him a big fat kiss instead because he can't stop rubbing the back of his neck and stuttering (then credits roll as a zoom-out shot starts)

-> BACHIRA!!!!, KARASU, IGAGURI, ZANTETSUUUUUUU, Naruhaya (?), Nanase, Neru

Guy bestfriend who watches you go through severe superficial change and become somebody totally different just to be with the popular guy. You two become distant and a huge fight blows up between the two of you, and you two stop talking. After going out with popular guy, you realize how much you hate him and ditch him. You and guy bestfriend both realize how much you two actually love each other and can't stand not being together. Guy bestfriend and you both coincidentally run to the place you two usually hung out in as kids, you out of post-date frustration and him to clear his mind after what happened. You dramatically approach each other and exchange a few words before one of you confesses to fix things, then seal it with a kiss with the moon in the background.

-> Isagi, YUKIMIYA, Reo, Ness, BAROU, Kunigami

Hot vampire boyfriend. That's it lol.

-> ARYU.

#BERRY'S POST-WRITING NOTE: if you havent noticed i kinda left out the two fandom favourites (sae and rin) for the sole reason that i dont know what kind of trope they would be in. like, idk man. they're too THEM to fit into any of these or any bs trope i could come up with. i also couldnt find one for my tokimitsu but oh well he fits into another one though (MY BOYFRIEND) :333 hope you enjoyed this peepol. lets hope my two other bllk related works make it out of drafts lolol

[takemebacktowheniwassane]

i've been seeing a lot of falsettos posts recently deconstructing the fandoms beliefs and firstly

holy fuck thank you, i try to steer clear of fandom (and fandom-izing thereof) drama but this is getting a lot more visible recently so here's some little tidbits for you

whizzer brown is not an unflawed character!

okay so i haven't seen enough dissecting this but!!! in the chess game!

the whole point of marvin using that game to determine the ending of their relationship is because he suspects whizzer is constantly deceiving him and wants to prove it.

whizzer LITERALLY proves him right!

he asks marvin to help him along (yes i know he says he doesn't want help, hear me out, it's a little more complex than that) and takes advantage of the fact that marvin is- like- infatuated with him.

he draws him into a sense of false security then starts throwing accusations at him ("since you need a man!" "what?" "who's 'brainy'," "or witty, move.") until hes able to win, which he does with ease because he's been using marvin having this idea that he isn't smart against him.

of course, marvin's side of this isn't the best either but honestly, for once the fandom should focus on a different character when they think 'insane asshole'. typically we should also probably change our perspectives a little to be more unbiased cuz fr guys, this is getting really.. annoying.

i understand he's the most visibly flawed but that doesn't excuse constantly picking the worst parts of this musical (without other context, btw) to use against him.

and this post certainly isn't here to excuse anyone either i've just got a lot of opinions that i wanted to share while falsettos is.. trending? right?

2. marvin's (headcanoned but still somewhat researched) autism

this one isn't brought up as much but when i do see it around, it's kind of a skewed viewpoint.

while rewatching bits of the proshot i realized a lot of different neurodivergent traits that he shows-

he's helpless during I Never Wanted to Love You and is childish and regressive when he's upset (not every autistic person is like this either, i know this is a bit of a touchy subject so i just wanted to add that).

usually when people depict it i see it either toned down or joked about which is fine when all in good fun, and when its done respectfully.

not here to attack anyone, just here to point it out and say that yes :) he most likely is neurodivergent, but despite that his actions aren't condoned. he's still kinda a dick who needs to get his shit together

3. ..the lesbians also have shit going on?

just putting this out there- I DON'T SEE ENOUGH FOR THE LESBIANS! OR TRINA!

the girls in this musical are like thoroughly neglected and i think that's kind of shitty just assuming the fact that william finn put them in to demonstrate how gender roles put people in degrading positions (and he even makes it more prevalent by showing marvin as something like a misogynistic character who forces whizzer into more feminine roles to show the audience what woman have to/had to go through in society).

anyways, the lesbians aren't just there guys. they have a plotline too. in Something Bad is Happening, you derive a lot from charlotte singing about the outbreak of HIV/AIDS and realize how she operates on a daily basis (she's passionate about her work and takes every bad day as a hit to her life and career, explaining in a way that as a black, jewish, lesbian, FEMALE doctor in this time, everything that goes wrong is immediately brought down on her so much more than it would as any straight white male pharmacist-).

cordelia on the other hand has to handle the fact that her girlfriend is so adamant about her work ethic that she can't actually be super present in their relationship at times like that.

but either way she still sticks by her and is constantly trying to be supportive and endearing despite feeling like she's not amounting to her gf who's basically a hero in her eyes.

i kinda just wanted to bring that up because they mean a lot to me and they don't get enough love from the fanbase, thank you for listening to my TED talk <3

[allforreading-fandomthings]

Like No Time Has Passed At All [icemav]

(Link to AO3 here)

Summary: The dagger mission was successful and old married icemav are having some fun in the bedroom while Bradley is in the house, too.

A/N: This is just a little smutty idea that plopped into my head after re-watching TGM a couple of days ago and which kept me from continuing with You Can Be My Wingman Anytime. But now that this one is out of my system, I can go back to writing that one too.

Pairing: Pete "Maverick" Mitchell x Tom "Iceman" Kazansky, Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw x Jake "Hangman" Seresin (only implied)

Warnings/content: 18+, porn with plot, porn with feelings, old!icemav, married!icemav, unprotected sex, rough sex, fluff and smut, domesticity.

Word count: 3.7k

The efforts of the last couple of days are still sticking in Mav’s bones but he’s home now and happy. The mission was more than successful. Bradley had asked if he could stay for a night or two before he is sent back to his squadron like the other daggers. Ice is already waiting for Mav to snuggle up in bed with him and honestly, Mav couldn't wish for more right now.

Nevertheless, Mav wants to check in on Bradley and apologize to him once again and maybe already catch up a bit on what has happened in Bradley's life in the years they hadn't talked to each other. So he walks up to Bradley's old room where he is staying now, too.

Mav finds the door to Bradley’s room standing open just a bit and he can hear him talking to someone. He can't catch what exactly Bradley is saying but he sounds happy. The voice which is answering him through the speaker sounds familiar, too, and Mav has an idea who it could be.

As nosy as he is, Mav takes the not fully closed door as an invitation to poke his head through the slit in the door. As expected, Bradley is sitting on his bed, notebook on his lap, talking to the screen.

“Wait a moment,” Bradley says when he notices Mav peeking through the door and looks up at his surrogate dad with a questioning look.

“Hangman?” Mav mouthes.

Bradley rolls his eyes at Mav but a lopsided smile appears on his face and he looks exactly like when he had his first girlfriend.

Mav smiles back at him, gives him a thumbs up and quietly closes the door behind him, leaving the two alone. He can still catch up with Bradley tomorrow.

Mav changes into his pajamas and goes to his bedroom where he finds Ice sitting against the headpiece, reading glasses on and immersed in a book. When Mav comes in, he peeks up from his book with a soft smile but doesn't say anything.

Mav smiles back at Ice and silently crawls into their bed, too, snuggling up to his husband and wrapping one of his arms around Ice’s waist.

“I'm so glad you two finally made peace with each other again,” Ice mumbles and places a kiss on the top of Mav’s head. “Have you talked to him like you wanted to?”

“Not yet,” Mav replies, mumbling against Ice's chest. “He's on a video call with Hangman. Didn't want to disturb them.”

“Lieutenant Seresin?” Ice asks back, surprised.

“Yeah, the two actually remind me a lot of us back in the day,” Mav mumbles with a smile and hoping for them that they will be just as happy with each other like he is with Ice.

“I see,” Ice replies and they fall into a comfortable silence both sucked up in their own thoughts. Mav reminisces in memories of when he and Ice had first started to hang out with each other back in ‘86.

“You don't mind me finishing this chapter, do you?” Ice asks then and it's not really a question because at some point in their thirty-odd years together this has become a routine for them. Ice going to bed earlier, enjoying a good book. Mav joining him later, quietly snuggling up to him after a stressful day at work, enjoying Ice’s loving warmth. When Ice is finished, they go over to sleeping - or sleeping with each other.

“Not at all,” Mav replies like he does every time. For some minutes, they just cuddle like this. Ice still reading. Mav cuddling with his husband.

At some point, Mav's hand drops to Ice’s thigh and he starts to draw little circles on the fabric of Ice's pajama pants. He would much rather like to go for option two today instead of simply sleeping.

Ice continues reading but one of his arms now wraps around Mav’s waist and his hand slips into the backside of Mav’s briefs. Ice keeps his hand just resting there but Mav knows that it means that he doesn't want to sleep, either. After so many years, they understand each other silently, no words needed.

As if coincidentally, Mav lets his hand softly brush over the fabric covering Ice’s limp dick. Ice breathes out languishly. “Mav,” he scolds him in a whisper but Mav knows that Ice is not serious about it because he starts to softly knead one of Mav's buttocks.

“Am I distracting you, Admiral?” Mav whispers and he feels Ice's dick twitch below his hand. He first found out that it turns Ice on when Mav drops his rank in bed when it had slipped his mouth right after Ice's promotion to Lieutenant Commander. The first promotion he had gotten after they became a couple. Since then Mav has occasionally made use of it because he knows that Ice loves to hear it from time to time and Mav loves to say it, too, because sometimes he still can't believe that he is actually married to the COMPACFLT.

Back in the day, Ice would have been fully erect by now. Nowadays, it took him longer but Mav didn't care. They both were old now and their bodies simply didn't work anymore like they did in their twenties. Mav loves Ice's body now just as much as he did thirty years ago and his own body isn't as quick as it used to be, either. So, it really doesn't matter and somehow Mav even loves it that it takes both of them longer to get there because it gives him the opportunity to tease Ice more, to slowly seduce him until he wants to take him just as desperately as when they were young.

Mav starts to softly stroke Ice through the fabric. He doesn't pretend anymore that it’s coincidental and he can feel how Ice slowly hardens in his hand. Ice lets a finger slip in between Mav’s buttocks, slowly moving it back and forth. Mav feels himself harden, too, and grinds against Ice’s thigh letting him know what he's doing to him.

Ice finally closes his book one handedly and puts it on the nightstand together with his glasses. Mav suspects that he already hadn't been reading for quite some minutes now but it's his sign of telling Mav that he’s ready for more.

So Mav straddles him, still fully clothed, and starts dry-humping him slowly. A deep moan escapes Ice’s lips but the moment it's out he covers his mouth with his hand.

“Shit, Bradley's here,” he mumbles a second later but Mav shuts him up with his lips on Ice’s, smiling into the kiss. Mav suddenly feels twenty years younger. Back when Bradley was living with them, Ice had always been so cautious not to be heard by Bradley but it had only rarely worked out. He knows that, both of them know that because teenage Bradley didn't shy away from telling them on a regular basis.

Mav’s mouth goes wandering down Ice's jawline, then onto his neck. He cherishes Ice's throat scar with his lips, one of the remnants of the terrible battle they have fought together and Ice has finally won. Mav knows of course that it can come back but for now Ice is well and that is all that matters.

When Mav slowly reaches the neckline of Ice's pajama top, he doesn't hesitate long but quickly gets rid of it and pulls it over Ice's head. Then he continues to plant sloppy kisses on Ice’s chest until he arrives at one of his nipples and twirls his tongue around it.

Ice lets his head fall back against the headpiece and he bites his lip in a desperate attempt not to moan. Mav hasn't seen Ice like this in years because normally, Ice is loud. Always has been. And both of them love it but today it's different. Today they're not alone in the house and for now, Ice seems to be determined to keep quiet.

Fully aware that it will take Ice's full willpower not to moan out loudly, Mav continues to twirl his tongue around Ice’s nipples in between kisses and while still riding him. Ice gasps and squirms underneath him. Then he’s ramming his hips up against Mav and Mav loves to see him like this. Desperate for Mav’s body, desperate for more.

Ice unambiguously tugs at Mav’s shirt and Mav gets rid of that, too. Now it's his turn to bite back a moan because Ice starts roaming over Mav’s upper body with his long, slender fingers, pulling him down to kiss him feverishly and still thrusting against him. Ice lets his hands travel down to Mav’s butt cheeks, squeezing them firmly, pulling them apart and Mav desperately needs to get rid of his remaining clothes now. So he quickly shuffles his pajama pants and his briefs down in one go and sits back up on Ice’s hips, fully naked.

Ice slowly, languishly lets his eyes wander over Mav’s body until his sight shamelessly rests between Mav’s legs. Ice lasciviously licks his slightly parted lips and Mav’s dick twitches in anticipation. Ice grips Mav’s hips and drags. Mav knows what he’s implying here. Mav smirks, their hungry eyes meet for a second and he pulls himself up on his knees.

Mav looks down and quietly sighs at the gorgeous sight in front of him. He sees Ice staring at his throbbing cock and liking his lips again. Ice takes his time and Mav loves it but hates it at the same time. He wants to be touched, to be welcomed by the wet warmth of Ice’s mouth. But Ice takes his time because he knows exactly how to tease Mav.

Ice caresses the backside of Mav’s thighs, slowly moving upwards to cup his cheeks, kneading them slowly but firmly. Like this, Ice pulls Mav just a bit closer and then he takes him into his mouth. Mav grabs the headpiece to support himself and lets out a loud moan, ignoring the fact that he should stay quiet because this feels just too good. Ice starts bobbing his head back and forth, his tongue varying between the underside and the tip of his cock. Mav is breathing heavily and Ice knows exactly what he’s doing here. He glances up at Mav and his eyes glisten impishly before his right hand moves further around to Mav’s butt crack. He pulls his cheeks apart with his other hand and lets a finger brush lightly across his entrance. Mav gasps breathlessly and already can't wait to sink in on Ice when he has prepared him.

Ice continues to work on Mav's dick while teasing his hole. After a couple of minutes, Mav is panting heavily and he has to pull away if he doesn't want to come early. Ice lets him sit back down on his hips and Mav leans down to kiss him, tasting himself on Ice’s slick lips.

“You're driving me crazy,” he whispers against Ice’s lips.

“I know,” Ice smirks, his voice deep and heavy with arousal and Mav kisses him again with all the love and passion he’s never lost in all those years.

Ice sighs into Mav’s mouth and still kissing him, Mav notices him blindly reaching for the nightstand. Mav backs away from the kiss and quickly helps him to get the bottle of lube out of the drawer.

Lovingly smiling at each other and excitement sparkling in their eyes, Ice holds out his hand and Mav clicks the bottle open, letting the velvety liquid drip down on Ice’s fingers. Ice spreads it there and Mav puts the bottle away before closing his eyes and leaning down to kiss Ice again and at the same giving him better access.

Ice’s hand quickly wanders back between Mav’s butt cheeks and he brushes his index finger over Mav’s entrance again, making Mav hum in pleasure. Then he applies a bit more pressure and slowly pushes his finger in. Mav sharply breathes in but his exhale is already a deep moan. He’s relaxed, knows what it feels like to have Ice inside him and still just simply loves it every time.

Ice starts moving, slowly fucking Mav with his finger and Mav mirrors the movement with his whole body, eyes closed, softly moaning with each thrust, their plan, well, mostly Ice’s plan to stay quiet already long forgotten. It doesn't take Ice long to add another finger, then a third and Mav becomes greedy. Ice’s fingers aren't enough. He wants Ice to fill him completely. Ice slowly pulls his fingers out and Mav whimpers for a split second but it's okay because he knows that it will only even get better.

Ice tugs at his own pajama pants now and because Mav is still straddling him, he shuffles a bit and helps him, yanking both the pants and boxers down in one motion. Mav takes a moment to impudently take in the gorgeous sight in front of him. No matter how often he has already seen Ice like this - naked, in their bed, breathing heavily and with a thick, throbbing cock just for him - he just knows he will never get enough of it, of him.

“Like what you see?” Ice smirks lavishly.

“As if you didn't know that already,” Mav replies and leans forward again to kiss Ice fervently.

In this position, Mav’s butt is already touching Ice’s dick and he feels it bumping against his crack. Mav doesn't want to wait any longer and reaches for the bottle of lube again. This time, Ice helps him to get it. Mav spreads the liquid on his fingers before he gives Ice's cock a couple of strokes. Ice hums in pleasure and immediately starts thrusting into Mav's hand greedily. Mav loves to see him like this, loves that his husband still wants him so desperately. Mav wants Ice just as much and so he starts aligning himself so that he can sink down on Ice easily.

What they are about to do is by far their favorite, most used position, that is Mav riding Ice slowly until both can't get ahold of themselves anymore. Mav loves it this way and he knows that Ice loves it, too. In earlier years, they switched positions more often and sometimes Mav actually misses to be pounded into the mattress by Ice but that hasn't happened in years. Specifically, not since Ice’s battle with cancer. It's undeniable that the disease has worn him down physically and it also has left more than one mark on both of them emotionally. And that's why Mav is grateful for every additional day he can spend with Ice. It doesn’t matter that their sex is not the same anymore as it was ten years ago because it’s still so much better than he would have thought it would be considering their age and what they have gone through. But that is actually an understatement because honestly, he can't imagine having better sex than he has now.

Next thing, however, Mav knows he's on his back, Ice hovering over him. “Tom,” he whispers and Ice looks at him with the cocky smirk he's never lost.

Mav’s heart is pounding heavily in his chest and for the first time in forever he actually feels nervous before sleeping with Ice. Excited? Yes, still every time. But nervous? Maybe the first time they had sex again after Ice's cancer treatment because it had been such a long time without and they weren't sure if everything would work out - it did in the end - but even that was already a couple of years ago now.

Ice pushes himself on his knees, Mav laid out in front of him, bare-naked and excited to be banged in a position they haven't done in years. Ice grins down at him and firmly grabs Mav’s hips, pulling him closer and propping him up a bit. Mav gasps in surprise because only seconds ago he didn't know that Ice is still so strong - or better is so strong again - and Mav is turned on by that even more than he already is, his hard cock twitching as if emphasizing his thoughts.

Ice adjusts himself and then finally, Mav feels Ice enter him, slowly but in one go. Mav can't restrain himself from crying out in pleasure and Ice groans, too. He gives both of them a bit of time to adjust to the feeling and leans down to kiss Mav heatedly for a moment, before he slowly starts thrusting. For a moment, Mav keeps his eyes open, taking in the sight of Ice hovering above him, eyes closed, lips slightly parted, moaning under his breath. Then Mav’s eyes fall shut and he’s panting because Ice is intensifying both pace and vigor now.

Ice shifts back on his knees, firmly grabs Mav's hips again and now he is actually pounding Mav hard. His thrusts are rough and his pace is unrelenting and Mav just loves it. He hasn't felt like this in years. His cock is bouncing wildly between their bodies, sometimes slapping either against his own or Ice's stomach and everything just feels so good.

He looks up at Ice, their fiery eyes meet and Ice smirks at him in such a dirty, lewd way that Mav is immediately very close to coming. Ice is still fucking him adamantly but his movements become more erratic, too. Both of them are moaning with each thrust now and Ice reaches for Mav's dick, stroking him in rhythm with his thrusts.

Then Mav squirms and arches his back. His eyes roll back into his head and with a long and languish moan he comes on his stomach in several thick jolts. Ice keeps thrusting through Mav’s orgasm but Mav is clenching hard around him and that pushes him over the edge, too, groaning loudly.

Ice collapses on top of Mav, breathing heavily. They softly kiss each other and with a loving smile, Mav gently strokes away a stray strand of hair from Ice’s forehead which has been sticking there sweatily.

Ice smacks another kiss on Mav's lips and slowly pulls out. Mav feels Ice’s cum dripping out of him and knows that he will be sore for the next couple of days but he couldn't care less because it will inevitably remind him every waking hour of how perfectly he just got railed by his hot husband.

Then they both quickly clean up themselves and the mess they’ve made before crawling back to bed and snuggling up against each other, Mav’s head resting on Ice’s chest.

“Didn't know you still had it in you like that,” Mav mumbles appreciatively, softly tracing the stripes on Ice’s pajama top with his finger tips.

“You know what? Me neither. I guess having Bradley in the house makes me feel younger,” Ice chuckles deeply and Mav feels his chest vibrating.

“Maybe we should invite him over from time to time now that everything is fine again,” Mav laughs.

“That would be so inappropriate,” Ice scolds him but can’t keep himself from laughing, too.

“Has that ever stopped me?” Mav answers challengingly.

Ice just shakes his head but smiles. “Good night, Pete,” he replies resolutely and kisses his husband goodnight.

–

The next morning, Mav and Ice come down into the kitchen to find Bradley already sitting at their table, a cup of coffee at his side and a bowl of froot loops together with a bottle of milk in front of him.

Froot loops have been Bradley's favorite cereals for as long as Mav can remember. So they had become a permanent feature in their kitchen ever since Bradley had moved in with them. Over time, however, Ice has grown fond of them, too, and so they still always keep a pack or two, just in case Ice wants to eat some out of the blue.

Sitting there like this, Bradley looks exactly like his teenage self, only that he’s twenty years older now and smiling at the screen of his smartphone whose future existence hadn't even been known back then. As soon as he notices his surrogate dads’ presence, he locks his phone, puts it on the table and looks up at them, chewing.

“If you like our froot loops so much, why don't you come over more often,” Mav suggests with a smirk that is screaming shenanigan before Ice can stop him. Instead, he just rolls his eyes at him and shakes his head but is nevertheless smiling.

“Am I right in assuming that this is not about froot loops or the fact that you missed me so much?” Bradley asks, scooping another spoon of cereal into his mouth.

“Yes,” Ice replies with a nod.

“And am I also right in assuming that I don't want to know what it's really about?” Bradley continues, obviously interpreting the look on Mav’s face correctly.

Ice confirms that again and walks over to the kitchen cupboard. He takes out another bowl and a spoon and sits down next to Bradley before making himself a bowl of froot loops, too.

The whole time, Mav just keeps standing in the door frame, leaning against it with his arms crossed. He smiles and for a moment, he just watches his two boys interact with each other and eat the most silly type of cereal in the world. Then he pours himself a cup of coffee, too, and sits down opposite the two.

“I've been such a fool,” Bradley suddenly drops in between two spoons, shaking his head and Mav just frowns at him. “For thinking that I could for once sleep here without being pestered by your old men’s noises.”

Mav immediately sees Ice’s face turn red and how he innocently shovels another spoon of cereal into his mouth.

“You’ve once lived here for years. Don't tell me you didn't know what you’re embarking on,” Mav replies with a shrug.

“Jake even asked me in what kind of filthy motel I'm staying that I have to endure those terrible noises and if he needs to lend me some money so that I can get a room in a proper hotel,” Bradley goes on, ignoring Mav’s comment.

“Jake, huh?” Mav counters and smirks wantonly.

Ice laughs, Bradley’s ears turn bright pink and it feels like no time has passed at all.

[freyjas-musings]

Things this fandom needs to learn :

1. There is a difference between disliking a ship and arguing about fictional nonsense including calling posts stupid ( the dramatics of some people) vs sending threats with intent to harm an individual or/and their family. When you can't tell the difference between the two ... it tells the world what you are...

2. Disliking a character is not the same as promoting harmful stereotypes regarding sensitive and relevant social issues such as SA. Keep it to disliking the character. This goes to all parties in this fandom.

3. It's extremely immature to say that every person's thoughts you dislike should succumb to something terrible. It screams high school mean girl whose brain hasn't developed since.

4. What you truly are is what you are when no one is watching. When no one knows who you are, you can lie and mask all you want .... it doesn't make you any less of a garbage human being who desperately needs mental health intervention ( This is specifically to the trolls ). Horrible genes will show at some point mate ... they will... Mask it all you want ...

5. To only take a stand when it serves an agenda is hypocrisy.

6. You might be the world's juiciest mango yet there will be someone who hates mangoes. Same goes for fictional characters ... people are allowed to dislike fictional characters without having labels slapped on them ( misogyny is the most misused word in this fandom)

7. When someone stirs the pot and causes chaos deliberately, all they are doing is showing themselves up as a narcissistic person .... and to the fandom, narcissistic people are better off ignored ... They thrive on attention. I don't think anyone with a decent upbringing and with a stable good life they are thriving at would ever be like that it just doesnt add up. It screams dissatisfaction with their own life and a severe identity crisis. I just pity people like that. It's easy to gauge the profile of losers .... in my field we pick out people like that as easy as breathing.

Why am I giving this free gyaan..... ? Diwali approaches and it's a time we truly reflect...

Good chance we won't get the ACOTAR book next year ... so imagine having to live through this current fandom phase for the next 18 months ... the fact remains being nasty isn't going to change whatever the author decides to do. So, why can't we all simply stick to our lanes ? If what I have written helps even one other person it's worth the effort .

Personally, I am going to be reflecting on the content I want to make .... I have a lot of exciting ideas that will need me to learn some new things.... I will be focusing on that ... I am co-hosting some events that I am excited for... I will be doing more collabs with other content creators... that's what gives me joy ... creating content that's positive ✨️ 💖

I am tagging all ships Canon and not Canon... because the points I have made isn't limited to ship wars ... its about the overall fandom etiquette. Take it or leave it ...

[sangreprince]

Em's Big Long Sappy New Year's Post Under The Silly Cut©

Hey y'all, I wanna say thank you so much for sticking around this year. It's been a wild ride, and this blog has gotten WAY more love than I ever thought possible. I still have yet to start working on the big post I wanna do that shouts out all of my moots, but still I'm so incredibly thankful to all of you who have been here this whole time.

And I know this is supposed to be a positive thing, but I also want to be real for a second here. This year's been tough.

I don't talk about it a lot but I've been really struggling with stuff, and it's things I don't hear talked about a lot. So here goes. I wanna talk about some mental health stuff I've gone through and where I'm at now. Maybe it'll make somebody's 2025 easier than my 2024. It'll end when the orange lines do.

─────────

I'm not a terribly social person, I prefer one on one interactions much more because it gives me a lot more energy to give people and makes me a lot less anxious than group stuff. I have to be pretty exceptionally comfortable to reach the same level of comfort with a group that I can easily find with individuals. And this year what I've really come to understand is how that happens.

I find that when I introduce myself into a group setting, I compare myself to others a lot. And that really sucks. It's not fair to me, or the people around me. I think a lot of it comes from coming from a 'pull yourself up by the boostraps' type household where failure just isn't an option, and I still think I struggle with the idea that I'm 'failing' if I'm not the best at a certain thing. And if I compare myself with other people, I'm never ever gonna be the best at everything because naturally somebody else is gonna be better at some things than you.

For me this habit has been a really big issue in my relationships in 2024 because I've gotten more involved in friend groups. I don't think I'm over this bad habit, but here's what I've learned: You can't compare yourself to others, because you're not them.

You can't be everybody's best friend because people don't need that. I don't think I could even handle more than a few very close friends ( But I don't think I'm necessarily super 'close' with anyone as I think most people only see what I want them to see, and I have immense trouble with actually showing people every side of who I am just because I'm still struggling with feeling comfortable with being truly vulnerable around people and not comfortably vulnerable )

This is hard to admit even as I'm writing it, but I think deep down I learned this year that I have an intense need to prove myself to somebody that doesn't exist. An idea of this 'perfect' version of myself I've conjured up in my head. And to those close friends who've seen me lose it damn near self-flagellating myself because I wasn't the best friend somebody has or best player on the team: Thank you. For being honest with me. For grounding me and splashing the proverbial water on my face and taking me out of my own headspace. This kinda growth is hard, and overnight change is... Unrealistic at best but I try and take your grace and trust that you place in me every day and overcome one step at a time.

And I hope that one day, I can repay the kindness and patience you've shown me. I'm not used to having friends, frankly. I didn't have any, not really, until about 2019/2020. I've always been a recluse, somebody who shied from getting close to anyone as a consequence of abuse. This ( I theorize ) has affected me down to my sexuality, identity, and habits I've taken into other relationships. I've only had true, close friends for about four or five years of my life total.

I am not used to it. And I fear, at times, this is painfully obvious. So to those who I call close : Thank you. You are what keeps me going. You are what I work towards and what I carry with me. I hope that one day I can get out of my own head about this stuff, about this notion I feel to constantly prove myself in some way or another. And I want you all to know that you're the reason I'm determined to make this change, no matter how hard it is or how long it takes.

─────────

Anyway... Now for the shoutouts. This is less heavy than all of the above and in no particular order of significance as I'm just going off the top of my head: I would include everybody I love talking to but oh my god I would be here all day and besides y'all are getting that in the future anyways so. This is just the short list of personal thank you's!!!

@espelharr You, much like the radiant Viktor you write, have been a catalyst of change for me in a lot of ways. You've helped keep me honest, and been honest with me. We're pretty close and I'll admit, it makes me a little quiet and a little nervous because I'm really not used to having somebody I would consider a friend like that. You are among a very small group of people that I can confidently say I dearly trust. I admit it's kind of alien to me. I honestly don't know what to say with regards to it because I'm not entirely sure I've developed the social skills to develop a relationship beyond what we have.

In other words, you've maxed out my friendship meter and exhausted my dialog. Well, not actually. I never shut the fuck up and you know that perfectly well. I know we're both goin through out shit but if I could give you one gift as a token of my appreciation, it would be to let you see yourself for one minute how I see you every second of every day of every year that's to come.

And that's coming from somebody who has no idea of what's to come. But if you'll have me, I'd like to be a part of it. Through thick and thin, wind rain and snow.

Thank you, friend. I am proud to call you this. You get the long post because it's the last bit of Em "I wanna step out of my comfort zone and be vulnerable" before I retreat into my ball again.

@lronwilled Shep I'm still so confused how you infected my friend groups and became so close to me LMAO LIKE IT JUST KINDA HAPPENED AND I can maybe pinpoint like. One or two instances of maybe where it began but I still honestly have an immense amount of appreciation for all the patience and kindness you've shown me. I'm incredibly glad to have met you and started to actually talk more and I hope in 2025 I can maybe finally give you more than one reply a year and oh my god I haven't replie-

@untoldwithin / @avatarwithin YETI... I adore having got to know you and plot stuff like we have. Your portrayals conjure the voices of those you portray to my mind, and talking with you about ideas is always such a blast?? I love seeing you on the dash and love doing things just as much. Here's to a 2025 filled with a LOT MORE of all of the above, I'm so ready for it!!

@plasticsouled / @fearedelight Sal I hope you know how much I love seeing your silly little self on the dash. Even your main blog with muses I know nothing about are stuffed full of life and so much passion that it makes me so glad to be here and be a part of it. You're a fantastic writing partner and I'm so thankful to have met you in the last quarter of this year, and I really hope we can expand on everything we have and more in what's to come!! I love our silly lil shippy stuff and being able to talk is always such a joy and I go pspspsppsp for you to give me any and all thoughts whenever you have them because I can't get enough.

@primegrim / @mirkc / any of your other blogs PICHU I'm so glad to have met you this year and had somebody to ramble with. You write like a thousand blorbos but I'm grabbing each and every one of them with both my hands. Being able to talk and plot and do whatever else is such a blessing and I'm so glad you're here with us. if possible I'd take all your characters and raise them up like Simba, I'm such a fan 24/7 no questions asked.

@jinxe RAY MY BELOVED you have been here with me since the Volibear days and I'm so thankful for it. I've made this known several times but your lil meow meow will always be at my heart and you alone have made me appreciate her as a character so much more than I ever thought possible. I wish you were here more because I would be GRABBING YOU at all possible times.

Honorable Mentions:

You guys already know I love and appreciate you so much, and this is by no means all inclusive. If you're not on here I probably just forgor because this post is already long and emotional for me so skdjhfsdkj here goes!

@rotdame / bloom @soulcluster / NERD (I had to) @luxcruor / sailor @curscdtm / nathy @decaeys / my favorite stinky goth irl toreador @venstm / Ray :3 @hexsreality / Itzel @edgymuses / Jolyne @nameaprice / Xena @pompedia / POM @erobret / FERGIE :D @blueheals & @heirashari / Evie @avernusfuries HANNNN- gets slammed through a wall @spiderwarden & @coldjustness Melody @lunaetis / Hina @blackrosesmatron / lucy

Thank you.

All of you.

Here's to a good 2025.

[beneathsilverstars]

okay the loop pronoun thing its like its like the splinter in my mind that sticks out just enough to get caught on stuff and irriatate the stuff further in.

because they start off with the royal we before going oh wait thats a personal thing not how other people refer to you. so that with the masking literally everything i am genuinely completely undecided on if the pronouns are like they actually just dont associate any with themselves anymore, their lying and covering it up so siffrin wont suspect anything or if its like they just need some time to be around people again and then itll be like ohhhhhh thats why i like these right.

and from there it goes into we literally have no idea how they act around people. okay they were siffrin but now have been so completely transformed by the looping that they are different enough to qualify as someone else.

they get called shy by the party but is that because they realize talking to them will have permanet consequences? is it because they remind them of who theyve lost? is it because they just havent talked to anyone aside from siffrin?

if they got comfortable around others would they be sassy like they are around siffrin?

loops everything is so wrapped up in the timeloops that its like there is almost nothing that can be said for sure about how they would act outside them at this point its like yeah they were siffrin but theyve forgotten all that and are different at least somewhat from everything.

the looping time really has utterly crushed them and then remolded them into something new and it is shown so so well through what is and isnt there about them and its so irritating they are literally a puzzle begging to be solved and the pieces are all blackened from fire and some are a bit out of shape and its like this used to be a solvable puzzle but at this point who knows!

yesss i do think the they/them was just the quickest default that they at least knew they didn't hate, and they're no longer Siffrin Enough to share siffrin's preference for he/him or they/them, though they may now (or one day) have their own preference for they/them. sometimes i give loop more pronouns later because there's no way they won't change a lot post-loops! (or in aus where they've otherwise had more time to think about it and try things out.) i'm fond of she/they/it loop but i may be biased lol

WE JUST KNOW SO LITTLE ABOUT THEM!!!

we know they were siffrin, a long long time ago.

we know how they act with siffrin, who doesn't yet know who they are, during the timeloops -- which are all three very big and specific criteria.

and then we know how they acted in acts 5 and 6, which are also super unique and unreplicable situations! obviously in act 6 they were just faced with the fact that a happy ending was possible all along but it can now never be theirs, on top of this being the first interaction in which siffrin knew loop's identity and loop knew siffrin knew. and then in act 5, this was their first interaction with the party as loop, which only happened because of desperate circumstances, and started off on the very wrong foot of utter devastation at not being recognized, which meant they abandoned their plans and improvised, all while everyone is super worried about siffrin and then trying to navigate the fucked up house. very weird and overwhelming situations!!

you can draw clues about how loop might act post-canon from all of these things we know, but you can't just straight up extrapolate, yknow? their in-game feelings and motivations just will never again apply in the same way, post-canon. and on top of the new contexts in which they'll be living, their trajectory will surely be strongly affected by their immediate post-canon circumstances, to the point that even putting them back into more-familiar contexts somehow would now provoke new responses. they could go in so many directions!! we just don't know!!!

sometimes people are talking about how loop would act post-canon and they say things so definitively and im like. man i think it depends 😭 we know so little about them and they know so little about themself.

[decepti-thots]

☕ ~ trans woman whirl?

I love trans Whirl headcanons but I think I love them for totally different reasons than I usually see, tbh? That is- I think a lot of the time the fandom just goes 'oh! Girl Holoform Spotted! now this character is girl, and we can say character is trans girl because in the comic they are called he/him' and tbh I find that attitude as fandom often implements it annoying for a couple reasons; one, it often feels like a kind of 'if character Looks Like Girl, well, character Is Girl' deal which tbh feels kinda shallow to me ngl, and two, it (and similar under-expanded upon headcanons) not infrequently seems to be a way for the fandom as a whole to justify the general lack of content for the very explicitly canon trans characters by instead being like 'all the material we make for these characters not treated as such in canon proves that we definitely love trans characters. don't think about how lug or anode or arcee don't get that same attention, or that this content only offhandedly actually deals with transness 90% of the time', you know? Bit mean, but I can't help but feel that's a repeated tendency in the fandom, tbh. I would feel less like this if the fanon trans headcanons did not just vaguely go 'oh. also ig they are trans, how nice' with no follow up and instead actually treated these characters as having opinions about being trans, but in too many cases they unfortunately... don't. (And no, them being robots is not an excuse. Anode has opinions on this. Arcee has opinions on this, a lot of them!) But we're here to talk about Whirl, and I want to talk about why I do love trans Whirl, so.

I love trans Whirl for reasons far outside of that, and I think taking that approach to the idea does it a disservice tbqh. Specifically I like trans Whirl for the same reason I like reading Verity as trans, because it adds to Whirl's character arc about being denied agency over identity and clawing it back on purpose in a way where the trans reading feels especially resonant and like it genuinely adds to the overall subtext of her arc. Whirl's entire character is one where the violent removal of agency in her life is so much a focus it changes the course of history; Whirl refusing to let the functionists that ruined her life win is why Elegant Chaos plays out as it does. Whirl is a character whose entire sense of self as a person with the ability to make any choices at all was viciously ripped away from her, and in turn a character whose response to that is to make her ability to choose exactly what she does so utterly undeniable that even if you hate her, even if you think she's repulsive, even if you want to throttle her, you cannot pretend she is not in control. In that specific context, adding in the idea that she would choose her own gender, in defiance of a Cybertronian culture that implicitly treats gender as an alien unwelcome influence, so she can have what she wants- that rules. There's also such a line to be drawn there between Arcee's arc and Whirl, I think, that is so great. That's where I see why it is so good. Being seen as just a gun to be aimed that everyone professes distaste for but still wants to stick around and do dirty work, but you insist upon your interiority being seen as just that; your interiority. And all the things the people who want to do to you which you hate being what you embrace. It's fantastic. I simply prefer that as an angle through which to view the ideas than like... haha well Whirl's holoform is Girl With Guns how funny. You know?

And one of her most "humanising" moments is when she extends that to someone else. I'm thinking of when she tells Tailgate that Cyclonus was lying about his injuries; that part where Cyclonus is trying to protect Tailgate in a way that is ultimately toxic for them both. Sure, everyone else agrees that the best way to handle this is to lie for your own good so you don't make a decision people don't want you to. But that's not fucking fair, and who gets to decide what's "your own good"? Viewing that in light of a Whirl who is not just vaguely a woman but specifically linking that to the way Whirl's rigidly defined role under a functionist heel ruined her sense of identity, because they know what's best for you whether you like it or not- damn, that is COMPELLING. And I find that just. So much more compelling than what fandom so often does with the idea. Whirl, above all else, knows how important demanding agency is. I think that makes Whirl a character ripe for a reading as trans, and I love that for her so much. she'll grab you by the throat and make you acknowledge her. and she's right every step of the way, no matter how much you want to look away. i love her.

tl;dr WHIRL TRANS WOMAN GOOD. LOVE IT. no really i just, it's so good.

[randomthefox]

When I talk about what a bitch Mystra was to Gale, I really don't want to fall into the trap of whitewashing Gale. I don't want to downplay what a massive fuck up beyond all comprehension the whole deal with the Sphere is. Gale did a horrible terrible no good very bad thing, and Mystra is honestly justified in kicking his ass to the curb for it. My problem with Mystra is that she left him to deal with the sphere on his own, letting him wallow in the post break up depression whilst also being a walking nuke that was a critical danger to everyone and everything within a country's sized radius around him. If Gale blows up, every single person that died from him is on Mystra's head. THAT'S why I think Mystra sucks, not because oh no poor widdle Gale he didn't do nuffin to nobody.

Gale is incredibly charming and charismatic and likeable and sweet and has a fantastic personality. He's also kind of a bad person. His sin is ambition. Perhaps he was set up for failure by having the mother of all prodigy syndrome foisted upon him, but that doesn't change the fact he did a terrible thing for the worst possible reason, and didn't even learn anything from it. He was tempted by That Which Man Was Not Meant To Have, because he thought he was superior enough to not fall into the same hole that those that came before him did. He learned from history, but he still repeated it. It is a miracle that he not only survived but also didn't hurt anyone else in the process. Frankly it feels like the only reason he speaks of the sphere with such remorse is because it didn't work out. He doesn't feel ashamed that he did something wrong, he's ashamed that he FAILED. And there were consequences for that failure.

And he didn't even learn anything from it because he still feels tempted to try doing the same god damn thing if not moreso all over again by the end of the game. He still wants to use the crown of Karsus to become a god. He was NOT humbled by the sphere AT ALL. You have to work REALLY HARD to talk him out of the crown idea, and even in the ending cutscene on the pier he's STILL considering the idea of using the crown to ascend to godhood. And if he goes through with it he alienates Tara, the one (in game) person who always supported him no matter what. That ambition, the fatal flaw of pride, that caused him to try fucking with the sphere in the first place is still part of him, he never truly develops beyond it.

If you play an Embraced Dark Urge, Gale stands by you. For a VERY long time. Wyll and Karlach will dip as soon as you assault the Grove, but Gale sticks around. He sticks around through a LOT of really BAD stuff. Because none of it personally effects him. He'll complain, he'll chastise. But he'll remain a stalwart companion until the very end. He is just as loyal to Bhaal's chosen as the brainwashed violent indoctrinated Lae'zel and Shadowheart and the hilariously selfish power hungry Astarion. He only truly burns bridges with Bhaal's chosen spawn if you act against his own best interests.

When I say Mystra is bad, I'm not saying that means I think Gale is good and an innocent widdle victim. Gale isn't a good person. And you can't put ALL the blame for that on Mystra either. Gale is the man that he is because of WHO he is, not what Mystra did to him. I like Gale. I romanced him in my first playthrough (then again I was using a poly mod so I could romance everyone lol) and I supported him whenever I could and tried to steer him on the right path when he was tempted. But he ain't no Wyll. Gale is much closer to true neutral than he is to neutral good. He is NOT an innocent victim, and he is NOT a truly spotless morally virtuous individual.

I hate Mystra for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with my fondness for Gale, is my point. I think Mystra is selfish and irresponsible and avoiding of her responsibilities and short sightedly arrogant, and none of that has anything to do with whether or not I agree that she meets the definition of being a groomer.

[asha-mage]

Assorted Thoughts From Forcing My Friends to Watch all of WoT as a birthday gift, Season 2 Edition-

When taken as a whole unit, the show actually completely conveys what's happening with Lan's bond from the jump, it's just that several characters are incorrect or working with incorrect information- as was often the case in the books. Lan thinks he's just been blocked out, but in reality Moiraine has released his bond entirely (as she floated she might do to Alanna back in season 1) and you can see the moment he realizes this in episode 2, when saddling the horses- he realizes that he didn't sense the Fade and what that means, and then Moiriane realizes he has realized.

The show in general is a lot more subtle, and a lot more willing to delve into the idea that often characters are just...wrong, or uninformed, or lying, without holding the audience's hand to explain that fact then I think people give it credit for- which is very in line with Jordan's ethos. For example, Ishamael's telling of Perrin 'the more wolf you become the more you are mine' is a blatant manipulation attempt to scare him into being afraid of his Wolfbrother powers and Perrin, who is going through hell, just buys it- and that makes sense he's already wrestling his own anger issues and fear. He doesn't question why Ishamael would tell him this, or what the effect would be (i.e not trusting the wolves, and thus maybe making himself more vulnerable to the Shadow) he just accepts it because it plays into his existing fears and biases about himself.

Anvare also raises this point really well when she gives her 'ask yourself- is it true?' speech to Moiraine. Moiraine is operating at that point under a lot of assumptions that aren't true- not just that Lanfear is going to hurt or capture Rand, but also that she really was stilled, that she can't trust Lan with her fears and doubts, that her presence is a threat to Barthanes and Anvare (when really Barthanes's presence is a threat to her)- and this moment, is meant to cast doubt not just on that, but on a lot of the assumptions the audience has likely been making too, which characters their taking at face value and which characters their thinking off through the lens of their own biases.

Continuing the trend of Moiraine displaying many of the bad coping mechanisms that will later dog Rand/Rand will internalize from her- @ofthebrownajah pointed out recently Rand's consistent issues with food and eating, which made it stick out to me how frequently in the show Moiraine has a similar problem. People repeatedly try to reach out to Moiraine via food/encouraging her to take care of herself, and she repeatedly rejects them. Lan's attempt to get her to come down for dinner, then to bring dinner to her in her rooms, Barthanes's sandwich, tea with Anvare- Moiraine has her walls raised so high she rejects this basic form of self-care and attempt to reach out hand in hand. This is especially notably because their is a repeated emphasis on food this season. Every major character gets at least one scene eating or drinking this season (Egwene and Elayne doing bootleg, Rand grabbing flatbread on his way to work, Mat with Liandrin's honey cakes, Nynaeve preparing dinner in the arches world, Lan sharing dinner with Alanna's family at her farm) but even Moiraine's eventual forced tea with Anvare goes deliberately unshown.

On rewatch I think that, while I really really love the moment where Renna and Seta are left to the mercy of their own culture by Nynaeve and Egwene in the books, the moment of Egwene killing Renna just makes the most narrative sense for the show- and I think will be a change that they are going to walk out through it's consequences.

The point of that sequence in the book is that Nynaeve understands that Egwene's bloodlust and anger are valid- but that the fact of killing will not help her in the long run. "It's okay to hate them. They deserve it. It's not okay to let them make you like them." I suspect, especially given how thoughtful the show has been about violence and death (and how clearly hollow the experience of actually killing Renna is for Egwene) that the show will take the plank of 'she deserved to die- but killing her did not undo everything you went through or heal you'. Which, again makes sense both Egwene's oncoming Aiel arc, and the fact that the books do spend a lot of time focusing on Egwene working through the trauma of her captivity.

The arches are another thing I've come around on after initial trepidation about their changes. I think each manages to still cut at the heart of Nynaeve's character arc and her struggles. The last one was my biggest concern, the shift from Nynaeve deliberately rejecting a perfect life with Lan for the sake of going back for the other Emond's Fielders to Nynaeve going back after realizing that such a life lived with Lan, as much as it might give her joy for a time, would still be hollow in the end. She can't turn her back on the struggles of the world and her friends without consequence- she can't just go back to life in the Two Rivers. She has to keep fighting for what she loves.

I think the choice itself also works when put in the context of the steady removal of Nynaeve's charges one by one. She thinks Rand is dead (and is probably blaming herself for his death as pops up in her interaction with Tam), Mat ran off, and Perrin is safe with the Shinearans. Her main charge left is Egwene- and hering that she's not helping Egwene but hurting her, overshadowing her- removes the final reason she really had for being at the White Tower, staying on the adventure. If the people she left home to save don't need her- then why is she there?

I continue to really think people are over hyping how bad the show supposedly makes Siuan look- my friends despite being largely uninitiated in the book series immediately groked that Siuan and Moiraine where just doing what they felt was right, in a complicated situation. They both are trying to save the world, and they love each other- but the world is more important.

Moiraine also brings a lot of the trouble on herself by not telling Siuan she was stilled and damaging the trust between them- leaving that detail out is the first crack in Siuan's ability to trust Moiraine still be honest with her, her partner in all this, and then her seeming to have either lied or regained that power, right at the moment she's allied with Lanfear, is the final blow any hope they where still standing together.

Despite stopping frequently to talk at even minor moments, we ran through almost the entire finale without pausing and then collectively all just sat there speechless. Man is the battle of Falme and everything around it so good.

Quote one of my friends re: Moghiden "Oh she's a little freak."

Also shout out to Lanfear for making one of my MLM friends doubt his sexuality with her 'short hair pirate t shirt look'.

That entire scene in the dream world bedroom cased a collective meltdown and one of my other friends to say 'oh I see why you where insane about this'

The effects continue to be killer throughout the season and god I can't wait to see season 3.

[cofeedaifuku]

Tony is in fact, not a fool.

Summary:

Tony's New Year’s resolutions did not include sharing his house with the God of Mischief, but he is used to getting into all kinds of crazy situations, so he goes along with it. He ends up not regretting his choice.

Why does he always get the short end of the stick? At this point he is sure that the universe has a beef with him.

"No can do" he says to Thor and watches as the other sighs.

"I know that what I'm asking is a huge favor my friend, but he changed" The god tries to argue with him.

The brunette rolls his eyes "Did you forget that he trew me out of the window and almost destroyed New York?" because he certanly didn't.

Thor clenches his jaw for only a second, it's frustrating to hear these words, even if they are true, at least to a certain point "You know that he was under the influence of an infinity stone at the time" just thinking about it makes the god's blood boil.

Tony looks at his friend with the corner of his eyes, annoyed that he can't contest "Even so, we know that your brother has never been a ray of sunshine".

Thor's eyes shine, because like in the so many battles he has been in, he found the beginning of a weakness in the opponent "What you say is indeed the truth, but this time he even went to talk with the AllFather about his wish of staying in Midgard, our mother managed to convince him to let Loki follow his own path" his voice is full of pride.

Tony mumbles something under his breath and goes to the bar to pour himself a drink "And why he would have to be here in my house from all places? I'm many things, but babysitter is not one of them" his New Year's resolutions did not include to live with the God of Mischief.

The blond follows him with wide steps "Because S.H.I.E.L.D said that the only way that they will allow Loki's stay is if he stays in a place where he would be under strong surveillance"

Tony stares at the God of Thunder for a long moment "And they suggested my house?" he will definitely have a little talk with Fury later.

Thor cleans his throat, sligthly embarassed "No, I was the one that suggested for him to stay with you".

The hero almost drops his cup, his eyes widening "Did I hear it right? You gave the ideia for your brother to stay in my house, and not only that, but the S.H.I.E.L.D agreeded?!"

"Yes!" Thor says with enthusiasm, proud of himself for have thought of such a good idea, but he cleans his throat once again by seeing that like expected, his friend doesn't think the same as him "I couldn't allow my brother to be put somewhere that would seem more like a prison than any other thing, and you were the first person that came to my mind" the god places a firm hand on one of his friend's shoulders "I know that I'm asking for a lot and that after all that happened Loki does not deserve to be trusted" the always so firm and confident voice of Thor shakes slightly and Tony almost widen his eyes at it "But he is my brother and I love him, if you do not believe in him, believe in me Tony, please".

The man doesn't turns his gaze away from Thor's, rare were the times when he saw such fragility in his blue orbs and it makes something inside him tightens and he closes his eyes.

Tony is starting to think that having a heart is not that worthwhile.

He runs his fingers through his hairs in an agitated manner "I know I'm going to regret this" the man grumbles and once again raises his gaze to meet the full of expectations and uncertainty of Thor's "I swear that if he throw me out of my window again-" Tony doesn't have the time to finish his sentence because Thor's mouth blooms in a huge smile before the god lets out one of his thunderous and warm laughters, promptly hugging the smaller man and raising him from the ground.

"Thank you my friend, you have my eternal gratitude" Thor says with all the sincerity of the world, no matter how much he expected a positive answer when he came to talk with Stark, he wasn't certain that it would truly happen and he wouldn't blame his friend from refusing his request. Moments like this are the ones where the god truly sees how lucky he is to have found a family like Tony and the rest of the Avengers.

Forget being killed by Reindeer Games, if Thor continues to hug him like this he won't last the next minute "Thor, I can't breath" he says with the last remains of air in his body.

Immediately the God of Thunder releases him from his arms and Tony takes deep breaths, some color coming back to his face. Thor looks at him with a somewhat guilty expression "I apologize".

"Yeah yeah, just hurry and bring your brother before I change my mind".

--------------------------------------------------

To his surprise, there weren't any attempts against his life from his guest, actually he barely saw Loki during the first week, but there were a lot of times where he could have sworn he was being watched. The man knows that he is a naturally paranoic person, however, taking into account the abillities of the God of Mischief it's justifiable.

The turning point was in the middle of the second week when Tony was in the kitchen, important files in one hand and a cheeseburger in another. He almost choked on his food when a familiar voice from behind him caught him by surprise.

"What are you eating?" it was what the god asked him while wearing a neutral expression with a hint of curiosity.

That was the day that Tony Stark found out that the God of Mischief, Loki Laufeyson didn't know what a cheeseburger was. He didn't know which feeling inside him were stronger - the shock of knowing that someone doesn't know what a cheeseburger is or the raw indignation of such a fact.

The inventor made a point of ordering cheeseburgers for dinner. As expected Loki didn't show up, so he left the food on the kitchen's table before going to sleep.

In the next morning when he went to make his coffee, Tony got pleasantly surprised, even smug, to see that the food on top of the table was gone. Later he came across Loki in the living room, the other was laying on a couch reading a book about whatever the subject might be and only raised an eyebrow before proceeding to continue his way to his workshop before the god's voice stops him on his tracks.

"It's repugnant, the cheeseburger"

Tony's lips turn into grin "It doesn't surprise me for you to think like this, it's well known that Asgardians have extremely dubious tastes".

His smile widens when he hears the god scoff.

---------------------------------------------------

Unexpectedly, Tony got used to the god's presence in his workshop while he worked on his new projects fairly quickly, Loki didn't disturb him with small talk or useless questions, instead they were very pertinent and for once Tony had someone that could keep up with his quick mind. Well, he knew the god was smart.

---------------------------------------------------

Tony Stark always has a plan B, always manages to create a solution to whatever the problem might be, and even when caught off guard he is quick to analyze the new situation and figure it out the best way to deal with it.

None of that applied when he noticed that he started to count with the god's presence in the nights he spent working, that he got impacient when Loki took too long to show up and that he looked forward to their talks and exchanges of snarky comments and witty remarks.

But it was when he caught himself flashing a smile that almost never blooms on his lips to the god that the realization hits him like lightning, he might have fallen into one of Loki's spells.

--------------------------------------------------

"I just think you should try it again" Tony says while making sure that the new system of his suit comes out perfect.

Loki rolls his eyes and places his book aside "I refuse to let that disgusting thing anywhere near my mouth again".

"But maybe now your palate got fixed so it can appreciate a cheeseburger".

"You are an idiot Anthony".

Tony grins "But I'm your idiot".

A small smile blooms on Loki's face, one that Tony learned that carries way more feelings than what it shows, and it's reserved only for him.

"Yes, I think you are" Loki says with a soft voice that is rarely used, and when Tony brightly smiles at him, his heart is invaded with everything that is Tony Stark and he feels complete, hoping to forever bask in the warmth of it.

--------------------------------------------------

A little more than a year passed since Loki Laufeyson started living with Tony Stark, and it has been a little more than four months since the day they announced that they were in a relationship, to the surprise and horror of many, and to Thor's delight.

[ghysry]

okay but i seriously have been mulling over this for ages and have not voiced it whatsoever but imagine instead of them idk DYING i wouldve killed to have a season where they band together to assassinate their dad lols and redo everything so they end up great and alive and in their own timeline where the apocalypse never happened and vanya got her violin first chair fairly with christmas dinners and celebrations together andUGH

Saw the first and second part of your ask (if I'm certain that's the first and second part) and I think it's a pretty good idea (+ Angst easily flocks to us🙏)

Tagsies: FIVE ANGST....No reader insert for this one folks.

Diego & Five sibling fluff at the very end guys trust trust me it's not heartbreaking at all

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"Do you know who we are? Do you want to know who I am?"

It's a strange thing; his family. He doesn't know exactly what they are to him, well, no, he does - they're his family, the people he bared through the apocalypse for, the people he now rarely sees on Sundays. They agreed to it before, always meeting up on Sundays under the big old oak forest that replaced the daunting mansion they grew up in across different timelines. First, Viktor cancelled his plans sometimes, then always, then they rarely saw his face around anymore. Not that they blamed him, not really, all of them did it too. One by one, they'd cherry pick the best times to cancel their plans and make up varyingly worrying excuses on how they wouldn't make it to the outing this time, or next time, or ever.

Five likes to think he doesn't ask for a lot, he likes to think he doesn't ask for anything at all. Never once in his life, after the first time he asked for something, did he ever do it again. Because what he asked for was freedom, and when he first did he was thirteen. He came back to the present as a fifty-eight year old man stuck in a teen body, with a vow to never ever even think about asking for something, so when he felt the ever growing hole in his chest consume him whole and collapse into his chest when one by one his siblings kept cancelling, he kept his mouth shut and went to the big oak forest on his own. Sometimes he feels childish, because instead of growing up and compartmentalizing it like he always does, this time he solves it by curling up under a tree and trying to silence the world with a shut of both his eyes.

He also likes to think he blames his father for everything that happened. But he doesn't - not that he can't, he does have the ability to, and he should; that much he knows, but he won't. He carries the blame for everything that happened on his shoulders, and every little mistake goes straight into the ever growing black hole in his chest that has already consumed him. He can't blame his siblings, they act the way they act because of their father, but he can blame himself. He, of course, had the least problems out of all of them, just going through an apocalypse, being turned into a human weapon, hunting down and killing thousands of people..it doesn't phase him, not one bit. So why does this phase him?

Where'd all his siblings go?

It felt like they ran away from him. Blinked out of his life and got stuck in their own personal future where they have families to take care of and friends to meet up with, so he also buried himself in work, found a good job that accepted his face and appearance along with his skills, stopped visiting the oak tree, stopped curling underneath it, stopped asking where his siblings went; he was making progress. He thought. The good kind of progress where you're changing the world for good and all. He made friends, kind of. He'd rather stick to co-workers than calling them friends, but he talks to them and they talk to him so the world feels a little less lonely but it doesn't feel enough, either.

Now, surrounded by his siblings, he could stop asking where they went. The first thing he noticed was a scent in the longue they sat in, acorn, burns to smell, artificial. He's sure acorns don't smell like that, he's tried to eat plenty when he was in the apocalypse - it never worked. The only reason they were together again was because, against all conventional means, they needed to kill their dad and Five told them it would save the world. The wandering eyes convey a story, like they've definitely played this play before, heard this tune before, seen the show..they get it, no matter how many metaphors Klaus has to say to try and brighten up the room. Five is just glad they didn't bring any of their kids here, the look on his siblings faces was daunting.

Five, out of anyone, would know that his siblings, though they do blame their father, cannot kill him. No, the twitching in their hands and the sideways look they give to the plant in the corner trying to avoid the topic says so, it's loud, embarrassingly loud - so he comes to one conclusion. He kills the father, it ends. When he planned it out, it honestly felt better in his imagination, the bloodshed, finally killing the man who has plagued his siblings for so long, finally freeing them of their abuser, but for some reason it didn't. It just felt worse, and worse, and worse. Every time he looked down at his hands he'd see the blood, the blood of his father, the blood of the man who was supposed to raise his siblings,

Of the man who was supposed to raise him.

He sat on the edge of the chair this time, hair tussled with restlessness, eyes almost blurry from having stayed up so long, for so late, for how long? He doesn't remember, nor does he really care. He's been spiraling for days and he feels his insides turning out and his lungs expanding when he exhales - his hands are too still, too still, there's too much blood, too much, and there's someone behind him, and..

"Five?" Diego's voice rang out in his head, he takes a pause to acknowledge it, trying to figure out if it's actually his brother calling out to him or just a projection inside his head that feels too real. The hand on his shoulder and the jolt causing him to jump up only slightly, though, further proved his hypothesis - yeah, it's Diego. He doesn't respond, not yet at least, he has to try and come up with a reason as to why he's been staring at his feet and his hands for hours now, and why he jumped at the feeling of someone's hand on his shoulder. He doesn't feel real yet and it's troubling him, like a big cinder block has made it's way to the black hole in his chest but somehow, even with all his calculations about this kind of problem, the cinder block manages not to get sucked in, and instead of a hollow feeling, there's just something weighing on his chest and his ribs this time.

And Diego, instead of waiting for an answer, takes his time to slowly but surely wrap his arms around his brother. "It's okay, I know," does he? "I know." He does.

[omghallucinations]

aspects and chart patterns for ateez

number one reason why i decided to write this: mingi has a grand cross.

bro this chart goes crazy. a grand cross is a SHIT TON of energy. act right now, think NEVER (or later, obsessively, full of regrets). for mingi the 4 players are uranus "manic pixie dream girl" (14 aquarius), mars "she's cute but a psycho" (15 scorpio), sun "ME! by taylor swift" (16 leo) and saturn "i work so i can go home" (16 taurus). they're all in fixed signs so that can be a rough ride! these guys ain't gonna move. it's easy to not make any progress because he feels really stuck here. the fire is blazing away, but the walls are staying put. it creates a fixed idea of how things are, a relentless energy that can eat itself. terrified of losing security. strength becomes an identity. he's both 100% always sure he is right about everything and staggeringly aware of the multiplicity of life and that no one knows what truth is, since a grand cross has one of each element so the energy is split.

it's like

his sun, in its rulership in leo, so very strong: have you SEEN ME LATELY, i want to LOVE you and come let me SHINE MY RAYS UPON YOU and you can be like wow you're so pretty!! and i'll be like yeah i am!! you're so pretty too!! i love expressing myself through dance and music!! i am 100% embracing my identity i can't be anyone other than me!! (this depends on his rising) versus uranus in aquarius, also rulership if you do modern rulers which i don't usually: uhHHHHH girl. being different is really. hard. also i don't want to join the party and i don't believe in that and also i want to leave and this is giving me anxiety. have you considered that the self is a construct and constantly changing???

meanwhile, on the other side of his chart:

mars strong in its rulership in scorpio if you do traditional rulers, which i do: i'm so sexy and intense and everyone looks at me all the time. i want to act boldly and with power and sexuality and loyalty and i'm not afraid of anyone have you considered that! if you cross me you'll fucking regret it. i'm full of deep powerful desires and i want to act to achieve them!! versus saturn in taurus: sit the hell down and be responsible, you asshole. stop doing that. stop thinking that. stop desiring that. it's not helpful. stop wanting that it's not practical. i'm the ensemble cast in stick to the status quo!! no no no! stick to the stuff you know!!

which produces these big bursts of passionate action and not a lot of follow through. there's also sub arguments, which are fun too.

sun square saturn: father saturn is always haranguing the sun/self/ego that he has to PRODUCE that he has to SUCCEED or what is the POINT, and sometimes the sun is like fuck it... i give up ballet is YOUR dream dad

father saturn is also haranguing gay cousin uranus which has the fun effect of making him both insanely stubborn/rigid and insanely chaotic at the same time

uranus is like the devil on the shoulder of mars encouraging it to do more, be more extreme, move on, hit da BRICKS

mars passes a lot of that message on to the sun, being like you gotta be move and make a decision right now and who gives a shit what the consequences are! let's jump off this building!!

thank god mingi has an "easy opposition" planet that offshoots his saturn-mars opposition! depending on his birth time his moon likely sextiles saturn and trines mars to some degree. the way out of this all or nothing mentality is through his cancer moon (so many of ateez have cancer moons). his moon is basically like... girl go home. learn to garden or knit or something. get out of the club girl what are u doing

san's mars opposes his jupiter exactly. no like. exactly exactly. 0.00 orb which i almost have never seen in my life. so she's a strong and intense opposition! the two sides of the seesaw:

his mars in scorpio: i'll die for you, i'll kill for you, i have deeply internalized so much red hot rage that i am afraid of being angry but also unable to not be angry. haha i'm fine, he said, his eyes shooting fire. let's go deep and dark right now, i can handle any weight and get though anything also if you betray me i will never forget so write that down, i love two things powerful soul-penetrating intimacy and holding on to my grudges. do you remember that one time you did that one thing because i do versus... taurus jupiter: you know what i love? nature. humanity. my ideals. bro you're really harshing my mellow so bad. i want to focus on acquiring my cool items and comfort. have you tried just like... letting go? transform yourself into a more benevolent being! i'm managing my money, other people's money, whatever, my investments go crazy and i have great intimate partnerships and that's enjoy to bring me fulfillment and joy :)

thankfully his leo venus is there! leo venus trines his scorpio mars and sextiles his jupiter, softening each one with that optimistic romance, the creativity, the passion. venus is not always acting perfectly--she sure can be an egomaniac--but it can certainly smooth out the rough edges of mars and connects the two extremes. it's also in the 12th, the pisces-y house, so it's sort of quieter, more introverted, very compassionate and sympathetic to others.

hongjoong also has an almost exact opposition (0.07, so close!) with a softening planet to the side.

jupiter in pisces: have you ever thought about humanity? we have a responsibility to help the less fortunate! do you think ghosts are real? do you want to join a cult? also i'm so sad :( about people being sad :(. also i really really want to spend all my money! right now!! it's fine i'll make more money whatever, what is important is look at my beautiful gorgeous items (2nd house). versus... mars in virgo: gotta WORK. gotta make that mONEY make PURSE. and the way you do that is by killing yourself working :). i can look at every situation logically and critically and i will cross every t and dot every i in the entire world by thursday at the latest. god i love solving weird problems so much. yes i will be reachable by phone :) or text :) or slack :) please feel free to zoom :) no i will not be on vacation ever in my life :)

thankfully he can bridge that gap with his venus in scorpio in the 9th house (think art/values/beauty/romance that is unafraid of darkness and eager to get to the heart of shit often about philosophy/religion/art/travel). his sun and mc also contribute to that--so his ego/identity and his career. they trine/sextile the two planets themselves, just not exactly.

on the other side of that opposition, we have... a t-square :(. his gemini moon in the 5th house squares both jupiter and mars. a t-square is often like--bro you've repressed some shit but here's some red hot raw potential if u work through it. it can help and hurt, like all aspects. the moon makes sure the chart is like HEY. LOOK AT MARS AND JUPITER. THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MARS AND JUPITER RIGHT. it anchors the difference. it can mean his emotions go zoom zoom from one side to the other--moon/jupiter of benevolence, so many feelings, philosophy, the meaning of life on one side, and then on the other side i have NEVER had a FEELING in my LIFE how DARE you i gotta WORK and THINK ABOUT STUFF what do you mean "don't intellectualize" and "feel my feelings" LMAO sounds fake.

seonghwa interestingly enough has no oppositions at all between planets--he's not going to seesaw within himself. he's gonna make a choice and not understand why other people are making such a big deal out of it. i bet he doesn't even have an internal monologue, lucky bitch. goddamnit.

he does have some interesting conjunctions--he has an exact conjunction with saturn and mars in aries in the 10th house. saturn gives mars a capricorn-ish, earth sign flavor. the way he asserts himself is going to be logical, practical, he does not like change, there's a lot of anxiety with action. this is amplified by them being in the 10th house. saturn gets a boost here because the 10th house is the capricorn house--it likes it here. they are more loosely conjunct his retrograde mercury (some trouble communicating) and his sun. they all get that same practical capricorn flavor.

mars in aries: you cannot kill me in any way that matters :) capricorn in aries: hm. technically. they can. what if, for example, your local coffee shop rearranges the furniture mars in aries: 1 fear

his cancer rising (22 cancer) exactly squares mars and saturn (22 aries) and more loosely mercury and his sun. it's like his identity/his life purpose/life direction as a nurturing, healing person who also struggles with vulnerability and being a bit judgmental sometimes shut up about it runs up against his 10th house work self, for better or worse. fire (aries) and water (cancer) don't get along, their goals are different.

he has other interesting things in his chart but i'm really trying to just to aspects right now lmao this is so long!!

jongho has an exact opposition between jupiter and pluto, so that's a fun bounce between

jupiter in gemini: man i love to be social, free, not taking shit serious, talking to people about whatever, and pluto in sagittarius: get AWAY from me i am LEAVING goodBYYYYYE

if you are extremely generous with your orbs, he could have uranus to quote unquote soften that--sort of like, idek i do my shit my way and it's chill. it's a big orb though so i don't really count it hardcore.

he also loosely has his virgo mars anchoring the opposition into a t-square--it creates sort of a versus situation. like hongjoong, he has a virgo mars (the gotta WORK (but not in a showy capricorn way, i'm genuinely doing the work stop showing off)) struggling to balance the opposing impulses of pluto and jupiter.

gotta wORK... on what? gotta work with people in a social way? or gotta work by getting the hell out of here independently? he can vacillate between the two extremes, avoid one of the points until his saturn return clomps up to say heyyyy girlllllll or some mixture of the two.

wooyoung has one opposition between planets!

mercury in scorpio (15) in the second house: i wanna get into the deep weeds with people, i want to skip the small talk and trauma dump on each other, i wanna say the TRUTH i don't CARE if it's "nice" also i'm fairly practical and critical, in contrast to how i am all or nothing motherfucker anyway i need to passionately argue my ideas and also i need to ice you out, i'm complex okay!! gOD you just don't UNDERSTAND the exhilarating highs and perilous lows of LIFE like I DOOO versus saturn in taurus (15) in the eighth house: oh shit i gotta keep myself in check and be normal so i can handle other people's problems and not lose all my money and not transform too much it will make people uncomfortable fuck i'm afraid of death i need to have a stable foundation jesus christ stop being so emotional and focus on what is practical!! god!!!!

there is no easy way out of that one i'm afraid.

instead, there's a t-square!!! the action point is his uranus in aquarius in the fifth house so there's issues with feeling like being his own unique person is in itself disruptive. he fears rejection--probably went through that a lot as a child (5th house). on the bright side, having to deal with the squares will help him gain resolution in this seesaw. the vibes are:

i have to restrict myself and be a normal bitch gotta WORK, gotta make that MONEY make PURSE

no wait. i have to be my weird ass self and express that creatively! my uniqueness is my charming point! it is so fun and awesome to be a little weirdo!

u know what actually let's connect deeply i wanna talk about emotional TRUTHS i wanna bear my SOUL i'm so RIGHT about everything and if i talk at you enough you will learn the truth!!

oops changed my mind goodbye everyone, i have reinvented myself again and i need to run away forever i'm a manic pixie dream girl and i've ghosted you. :)

yeosang has a grand trine! with a generous orb, so it's less strong than it could be. a rare aspect that is all about ease. again, like all aspects and chart patterns, there are pros and cons. a grand trine is a big ole triangle with 3 planets or points in the same element and they all get along great. yeosang's ascendant in aries is trine pluto in sagittarius is trine venus in leo. his life purpose/direction, his understanding of power death and rebirth and his desire for love, what he likes, his values, etc are always chatting away in endless circles and it's very cohesive but it can really lack direction.

pluto: i don't know where do u wanna go ascendant: idk were do u wanna go venus: idk where do u wanna go

like that. there's a lot of potential here: the newness and excitement and babyness of an aries rising, the intensity and passion of pluto, the love and harmony and creativity of venus, but it lacks direction in a major way.

like san and hongjoong, yeosang also has a mars and jupiter opposition. san and hongjoong's are exact, though (so like jupiter at 18 pisces is exactly opposite mars at 18 virgo), so they are stronger. yeosang's is more chill but still present.

jupiter in aries in the 1st house: i love being alive! i feel fresh and brand new. optimism is so easy for me! i act quickly and i want what i want but also if you want something i'll get it for you! i have strong values and i'm super honest and i'm not afraid of that in any way :). everything will work out!! mars in libra in the 7th house: haha... a decision? never heard of her hahah.... it's fine whatever u want is cool.... .. . i don't really wanna get it myself so uh. well if u think it's okay???? do you think it's okay?????? does everyone else think it's okay???? i'm very stressed and mars is in detriment here so i am uncomfortable but it's okay i'll be fine whatever u want is okay with me so long as the group is happy right???

it's also interesting because as an aries rising, his chart ruler is mars in libra--it's gonna flavor his whole personality strongly. normally in that opposition jupiter would overrule mars in its detriment, but because mars is the chart ruler that side of his personality gets emphasized more.

yunho has a locomotive chart pattern--that's like when 3/4 parts of the wheel have planets in them. hongjoong also has this. these people tend to be more driven towards goals, and there's one planet that acts as the engine--for hongjoong it's his virgo mars, which makes sense, and yunho's is his gemini moon in the eighth house. his engine is social-emotional in a light gemini sort of way not in an intense water moon sort of way. it's also square his pisces mercury in the 4th house (the cancer house, home/roots/foundation). to me that's like

gemini moon in the 8th: emotions are interesting to me in an abstract way but they don't really affect me that much, i'm always able to see the logical side of things. i'm really good at talking people through their feelings and i love to talk about mine too--but i do not want to actually feel them, ew gross that does not make me feel safe and feeling safe is extremely important to me! anyway what feeling i don't know what you're talking about my mood is totally different now i don't remember her? yeah i was upset but that was thirty seconds ago catch up! pisces mercury in the 4th: that person over there is sad i can feel it :( be nice to them :( i am gonna be really careful so i don't offend them :( anyway there is no one right answer i could be wrong idk i'm used to everything changing all the time so it's not a big deal do u think that person needs a hug :( gemini moon, trying to not feel anything: what are u doing here

this seems like a very helpful and productive square that keeps pisces and gemini--both mutable signs--from going too far in either direction. the house placements feel more unstable though.

uranus is also trine the moon so that weighs the scale more on the detachment side. uranus in aquarius in the 3rd (gemini house) is air on air on air, but also very stubborn and obsessed with being free. goodBYYYYEYYEE in a planet.

his sun is also conjunct jupiter in aries which makes his personality larger-than-life or like, expanded in some way. known. success comes easier. it's also in the fifth house of creativity and self expression which is a fun, carefree vibe, youthful leo energy. can get an ego, but he's friendly!

venus at home in taurus in the 6th conjunct saturn in taurus in the 6th--that's like saturn squeezing the life out of venus a little bit. holding it down.

venus in taurus: everyone likes me i'm cute and lovable and things come so easy to me! i love items and feeling safe and at home! man this is a soft hoodie i have achieved fulfillment. i know the perfect thing to smooth over this awkward social situation because things gotta stay stable it's insanely important to me but u know it's cool, i'm so friendly and personable :) saturn in taurus: have u ever considered that everyone betrays u venus in taurus: everyone.... could betray me. i... could betray me...... ... . better not let anyone in emotionally!!! i don't trust that shit! but if you do stay we're for life, so. ride or die.

anyway i'm interested in doing more astrology for ateez, these bitches go crazy. almost all of them have very active uranus and they have either a gemini moon (yunho, san, hongjoong) or a cancer moon (wooyoung, seonghwa, mingi, yeosang) or they are jongho, who has either an aries or a pisces moon depending on when he was born. what the hell bro. wild.