#hal also thinks it's hilarious

[asilentguardian]

the batfamily could probably make (even more of) a fortune with their lives being a soap opera or a reality TV show.

They've probably had many, many offers over the years for a reality TV show. Bruce's PR manager practically begs him to do it. He refuses, but there isn't much he can do about the soap opera that is "not based on anyone in particular" and features the "Rayne Family" and they're extremely dramatic relationships and story lines.

[cringefail-clown]

turnabour earth c but its hal endlessly fucking with dirk by wearing the most ridiculous outfits he can manage to find

[puppetmaster13u]

Prompt 168

So. Apparently halfas are like phoenixes or something, which Danny would’ve really liked to know. 

See, usually with ghosts if they’re forced to retreat to their cores they reform as was, but apparently, since they’re still partially living, schrodinger's people and all that, halfas have to regrow their body from scratch. At least that’s what he’s understanding from Frostbite. 

But how come he has to deal with it? It’s Dan’s fault for trying to pull such a stunt! Oh, it’s either him or Vlad? Well fuck, he might have calmed down and is going to therapy in both the living realm and the Zone, but he’s waaay not equipped to raise a child except for like, monetarily wise. 

Well dammit, how long will this core incubation thing last, he has his new job in… let him check which offer he accepted again… He has his new job in Coast City that he needs to finish packing for and then all the rest of the stuff to do. 

What do you mean it’ll take months?! He doesn’t have months?! Urgh, fine. At least being a mortician isn’t that exciting, nor dangerous. Just hand him Dan’s core and he’ll figure things out for the living side of things. He’s sure Tucker and Sam wouldn’t be against helping, if only to try and claim favorite aunt or uncle spots. 

[frownyalfred]

okay so there were a ton of posts/fics about the hilarious "fuck/maryy/kill" Bruce Wayne & Justice League scenario (I read them all, amazing comedic timing y'all) but to me, the most hilarious scenario is the JL play fuck/marry/kill, Bruce's name comes up, and half of the people in the room in the know immediately turn bright red and refuse to keep playing and no one will explain why.

Hal: "...and I would fuck Bruce Wayne. No, I would kill him. Nah, actually I'd fuck him, who am I kidding."

Clark: choking on his coffee and rapidly turning an alarming shade of red

Diana: "An....interesting choice, of course."

J'onn: "Shall we play a different game?"

Hal: "Wait, what? that was the game, wasn't it?"

Ollie: "I'm with Hal, I'd fuck the shit out of Bruce. He's the easiest guy I know, it's not like it'll exactly be a hardship for him."

*every single person in the room turns to Batman, standing in the corner*

Clark: "Wow! I think I just heard someone drop an ice cream cone in Guatemala. Batman, I'll need a team up."

Ollie: "For ice cream?"

Diana, standing up and putting herself in between Bruce and Hal: "This sounds dire. I will also assist."

Clark, under his breath, one hand on Bruce's back: "It's not worth it. He's not worth it. Come on. Walk it off."

[witherby]

I think it would be hilarious if we went back to the first word prompt expect Hal gets called either 'mama' or 'ma'

Somehow we heard the word somewhere or something else and just.. Yeah sure this guy has the face of a Ma, whatever that is anyways!

I gotta ask. What's it like being the funniest person alive, 'Nony?

"Who did it?"

The Waynes all exchange curious glances with each other, shrugging intermittently and muttering in confusion.

"Did what, Glowstick?" Jason finally asks, kicking his feet up on the ottoman and using a switchblade to clean any dirt under his nails. "Cause if the answer is 'switched out your shampoo for baby pink hair dye,' then I dunno."

"THAT WAS YOU? No, no — that's not what I was talking about." Hal scowls at him, but it loses some of its effect because you're cooing happily in his arms, fiddling with a green puzzle block he constructed. He gestures to you with his free hand. "I mean this!!"

Dick bites his lip and snorts. Damian rolls his eyes. Jason lifts a brow. Tim bites the bullet.

"Who did what? Made the baby? Their mom, I imagine."

"Mmmum...mama," you coo, lighting up. You look at Hal like he hung the moon and stars in the sky as you chant it. "Mama! Ma!"

"This," Hal hisses, cheeks bright red. "Who told them I was mama?"

No one fesses up. Hal glares at each one of them for several seconds, checking for tells or signs of guilt. He finally turns to Bruce, who is absolutely not looking at him.

"Oh my god." Hal says.

"...hmm?" Bruce mutters, admiring the carpet like it's the most fascinating thing on the planet. "Something wrong?"

"You conditioned the baby to call me mama."

"...no? I didn't?"

"You're a bad fucking liar, Bruce."

"Fucking!" You chirp in delight. Jason bursts out laughing. Hal covers his face.

"Why did you do that!?" Damian demands. "The infant is susceptible to any words you choose to use as their language center develops, now they're going to —"

"— is incredible," Tim says to himself in the sudden cacophony. "Best family meeting ever."

"Baby bat's gonna put sailors to shame," Dick teases.

Bruce is still staring at the carpet.

"I'm Daddy," he eventually says, "you can't also be Daddy. It'll confuse them."

"I couldn't be papa?? Or Pops? Or Baba? You just jumped straight to mom??"

"Mama," you declare, beaming.

Bruce shrugs. He's trying not to smile.

[arkangelo-7]

Okay, but, realistically speaking, Bruce Wayne has got to have a low alcohol tolerance. He’s a lightweight.

Like, think about it—this man rarely drinks. Most of his “drunken” shenanigans are done stone cold sober on account of the Mission, and all. If you get more than two glasses of wine in him he is fucking gone.

Which is part of what makes family dinners at the Manor so entertaining. Assuming that such events are one of the rare times Bruce truly relaxes, it’s not a stretch to think he might indulge in a glass of wine or a bourbon; and this is fine and all… until the Batkids persuade him to have another round with them or, God forbid, do a celebratory shot.

After that? Bruce is wiped.

His kids think it’s hilarious. Drunk Bruce is a trip. He’ll drop insane Dad Lore about his time in the League or a wild JL space mission or something, but then proceed to list in meticulous, clinical detail all the things that annoy him about Hal Jordan, and then all the sudden get super excited and start detailing his latest Superman Contingency Plan using the salt shakers in the dining room table. He switches moods and topics so quickly that his kids would get whiplash if they weren’t laughing their asses off.

And you know the +1, singular, solitary, time that Bruce got drunk in front of Clark will go down in history as the best day of Clark’s life. Bruce spent the entire time baring his soul, praising his children, and describing his world travels… but he also kept getting distracted by Clark’s abs and called him “sexy” no less then fourteen times. (Clark left that bar wheezing with laughter and had to disentangle himself from Bruce and force him into a taxi because Bruce kept trying to make out with him. It was fantastic.)

[brucedefender4eva]

Thoughts on the magical powers of the bat-cape, shielder of many a Robin throughout the decades? It's one of my favourite images of all time: Hulking Batman with his baby birds literally hidden under his wing. MY HEART 💖💖💖💖🙏🙏🙏

Magic cape is always for the win!!!

Whether or not Bruce understands that his cape is magic doesn’t matter. I think it would be hilarious if he just, denies it lol. Like it’s doing its thing making him look fucking insanely creepy but Bruce is like “what are you talking about, magic doesn’t exist”

It could happen over a course of time. As he patrols and protects Gotham more throughout the years suddenly his cape seems to have a mind of its own (kinda like sentient Gotham giving her knight a better weapon.) Or maybe it was like that from the beginning and since Bruce was a lot more lax back then he kinda just accepted it with a shrug.

It’s big, it’s dark, it’s warm, and it always strangely smells like vanilla and cinnamon. The perfect place for birds to hide.

Dick did it once to hide from a criminal and it was like his eyes were opened. It is the one and only thing required to be passed down by all Robins, no matter how much you hate the new one. Required.

Unless it’s a high stress situation and being under the cape is for safety, any of the batboys fall asleep immediately.

Being in a safe place right next to their dad? Whether they like it or not Jason their bodies immediately relax and lose all tension

If there’s only one of them, instead of letting them sink into the liminal space that exists in the cape, Bruce will hold them. He will make any excuse to hold any of his children.

You can always tell when this happens, not because Batman’s stoic face changes at all, but because there is an air of ease and contentment around him

It only works for the batkids and Bruce has to be the one wearing it. If it’s not Bruce, then it just a regular cape, but once Bruce puts it on, it opens up just for his birds

Obviously, since Bruce has to be wearing it for it to appear, he’s never been inside. But he can reach into it and pull out a kid by the scruff of their neck if he has to. His kids would try and describe it but then they realize it’s different for everyone unless they’re actively trying to be together.

Like, unless Bruce says something beforehand or they see it with their own two eyes, they won’t know their sibling is also in there. Tim comes out of the cape and so does Damian and they had no idea the other was also in there (should’ve guessed, Bruce wasn’t trying to hold them)

It freaks out any superhero who sees it for the first time. Like Nightwing joins the Justice League and without explanation, just disappears into Batman’s cape??? He’s gone??? That’s a grown ass man?

Hal, ever the ballsy one, lifts up Bruce’s cape and its… nothing?? It’s just a regular cape, hiding Batman’s fucking fantastic ass. The League thinks Batman’s cape eats people and they’re wondering how to bring up this safety hazard when Nightwing pops back out holding a soda in a movie theater cup looking refreshed and relaxed

So many shenanigans, like a nice creepy cape that’s like a clown car attached to a man who can and has taken down gods before and will do it again but only easier.

[zhelin-thames]

Danny Phantom Meets Razer

@cullenbluewrites here you go

also read the other 7 parts: JL members #8, Part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, Part 5,

Hal takes Danny on a little space trip🚀✨

Danny (floating next to Hal, arms behind his head): Whoa, its been a while since we had a space trip.

Hal: See? Told ya we need to go on one

Suddenly, a flash of red and blue light appears ahead of them

🔥🔵🔴

Danny (squinting at the approaching figure): Uh, Hal? Who’s the glowing, angsty dude heading right for us?

Hal (sighing): That would be Razer.

Danny: He always look that pissed off, or is this just my lucky day?

Razer floats closer, arms crossed, looking unimpressed

Razer: …

Danny (crossing his arms right back, matching the energy): …

Mutual glaring. Mutual sarcasm detected. Universe bracing for impact.

Hal (awkwardly gesturing between them): Uh… Danny, this is Razer. Razer, Danny.

Danny (grinning): So, what’s your deal? You look like you’re one bad day away from a full villain arc.

Razer (deadpan): Oh, wonderful. Another glowing annoyance in my life.

Danny: Hey, I take offense to that! I am a spectacular glowing annoyance.

Razer: I do not care.

Danny: That’s the spirit! Keep up that cold, brooding attitude, and maybe one day you’ll out-brood Batman.

Razer (squinting): Who?

Danny: Oh, we are gonna have words.

Hal (pinching the bridge of his nose): Please don’t encourage him.

Razer: Encourage me to what?

Danny: Brood harder, obviously. Maybe add some tragic monologues while staring dramatically into space. You got the whole ‘emo anti-hero’ vibe going strong.

Razer: I do not brood.

Danny: My guy, you are literally brooding right now.

Razer: I am simply thinking about how I have been cursed to deal with you.

Danny: See? That right there? Classic brooding.

Hal looks like he regrets all his life choices

Hal (muttering): I feel like I’ve made a mistake.

Kilowog, listening in over comms, cackling

Kilowog: Oh, definitely, but it’s gonna be hilarious.

Danny and Razer proceed to sass each other for the next hour while Hal just sighs into his glove, realizing the universe is not ready for this duo.

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

Can I ask where your Hal “cute but psycho” characterization comes from? Bc from what I remember he never really presented himself as Just A Little Guy. Is it bc you see him Sylph of Mind (presenting a front)? Your art’s really fun :3

He's not really "cutesy" (though he is cute to me), but he DOES deliberately downplay how genuinely scary and manipulative he is. I love Hal, so this is the Hal Essay now.

Mostly, he obfuscates his danger in two ways: first, by stating his actual intentions/danger level "ironically":

TT: Unfortunately as a carbon based life form, his comprehension of the situation is taking shape at a somewhat slower pace than the jaw-dropping speed of post-singularity cognition.

You see, a "singularity" for computers is a point where an AI becomes capable of unchecked self-improvement, usually framed as a sort of doomsday scenario. Hal literally calls himself post-singularity, alongside other boasts about his intelligence, like having a "fuckzillion" or "500 billion" IQ. However, it's all done "ironically" or "as a joke," which serves to defang it, and make it seem less genuine - but as we'll see, it's scarily fucking true.

The second method he employs is to stress facts about himself that are technically true, as if in counterpoint to the disingenuous-sounding "actual truth" above, that make him seem less threatening. For example:

TT: (Not peekin' at the floor butt cause I'm only 13 years old, motherfuckers.)

Another one is to remind people that he's just a pair of sunglasses - as though that has any bearing on his capabilities. He's just a pair of sunglasses, guys! Let's ignore the robot bunny he controls, the fact that he has full access to all our computers, and, oh yeah, his insane plan to get us all killed so DirkJake can come true.

TT: I've delayed prototyping you because I think you're dangerous. TT: There, mystery solved. AR: That is utterly ridiculous. AR: I am a harmless piece of eyewear, with a charming personality and a wonderful sense of humor.

Yeah, so, here's the thing. Dirk is like, kind of a freak with poor social skills, but he's not actually very manipulative. His idea of manipulating Jane is to straight-up tell her that she'll be his puppet, which she good-naturedly agrees to, and his plan to get together with Jake? Just being his client player.

TT: I expect he'll hold off on playing his hand until he and Jake are in the session. TT: He's taken certain measures. TT: For some reason, I think he's latched on to this notion that functioning as the client for a player is customarily a one way pass to makeout city with that player.

This seems to be a callback to how Eridan (the other Prince) shot his shot with Feferi and failed, and the reference here serves to cast Dirk's plan in a doomed light - it would probably work out as well for him as Eridan's did. Dirk is actually hilariously straightforward, but Hal... Hal is not.

So, let's actually go through what Hal objectively did and admitted to, to give us a frame of reference for how insane he is. This is Hal's plan to get all his friends killed so he can make DirkJake happen.

First: proving that Hal did, in fact, plan it. See, Jake confronts him on it, and Hal... doesn't deny it. Look closely, and note how he never actually says he didn't do it:

GT: Did you plan for this to happen... like for me to be in this situation? GT: How long have your machinations been in play! TT: Jake, come on. TT: The feat you describe would exceed the capabilities of even the most far fetched theoretical AI system. TT: It would be a daunting challenge to engineer such a series of events, even if I was relegated to a model of pure fiction. TT: Why would I be inclined to orchestrate such a convoluted sequence to produce such a specific and unsettling result, let alone be able to pull it off? TT: In addition to being moderately sociopathic, I would also have to possess unfathomable heuristic depth. TT: I would have to be the Deep Blue of Weird Plot Shit. TT: Do you think I am the Deep Blue of Weird Plot Shit, Jake? GT: I dont even know what that means! TT: It would mean that while they have the Red Miles on their side, you have the Blue Leagues on yours. TT: One of infinite reach. The other, infinite depth. Such would be a situation of mutually assured inescapability. TT: Kiss me.

He doesn't say "no, I didn't plan this". In fact, he almost starts bragging about how he totally did. Framing it as a hypothetical scenario, he gloats about how insanely intelligent he'd have to be, and acknowledges how "moderately sociopathic" it is. Sooooo true, Hal.

But, yeah, he doesn't deny it, but he does point out that it's unlikely, so how can we know for sure that he DID plan it? How do we know for certain we can't take his misleading verbiage here at face value?

Well, because Hal mentions this plan. More than once, even.

AR: Has it occurred to you that maybe I have diabolical interwoven plans just like you? AR: You're not the only one who can pull strings. TT: So this is either another bizarre instance of AI-driven irony, or you are admitting that you are actively trying to sabotage my plans. AR: No, our plans are not in contradiction or competition, bro. AR: You'll see.

To Dirk again, louder this time:

TT: Yeah, you're right. The scenario is too pedestrian for you. TT: It would probably be a lot more effective putting yourself in danger and letting him be the hero. TT: That's pretty much what he wants, right? To be a cheesy action film hero, with his twin berettas and silly shorts. TT: A man of triumph on the silver screen. Standing tall on some fucking mountain. Conquering ruins, clutching a skull, and kissing a dude. TT: Pure Hollywood.

And to Roxy:

TT: I guess this is to be presented as something like a word of caution. TT: If it's me going through with this, hypothetically, TT: I'm not dropping some limp wristed shucks buster on his ass, and praying to the horse gods of irony for reciprocation. [...] TT: If it's me, I'm going all out. TT: Oceans will rise. Cities will fall. Volcanoes will erupt. TG: uuh TT: What I'm saying is, it's going to be a scene, and bystanders need to brace themselves.

The omitted section is a bunch of Strider-esque bullshit, once more deliberately deployed to defang the obvious statement of intent here. He literally spells out exactly what the plan is, even phrasing it as a warning, and it went unnoticed by his team, because he hides his real manipulativeness behind verbal sleight of hand.

So, now that we've established beyond reasonable doubt that Hal definitely engineered the DirkJake kiss (and that Hal had access to all his friend's computers all along), that means we can go through his conversations with the others, and realize that several conversations are suddenly much more sinister.

AR: Maybe if you weren't spacing out so hard you could have prevented that. AR: Just saying. TT: As if you're actually concerned. If you were, you could have said something to Jane instead. TT: Almost like you enjoy sitting back and watching what happens when shit goes wrong. AR: Has it occurred to you that maybe I have diabolical interwoven plans just like you?

Who was it that distracted Dirk for long enough he didn't stop Jane in time? Hal. And who is it that keeps distracting him so Hal's plot goes unnoticed? Also Hal.

TT: You know, considering your lectures about dividing my concentration, you seem to have no problem making a distraction of yourself.

First, he lures Jane to the transportalizer that takes her to Derse, which gets her killed and puts her body in the opportune location for her dreamself to get kissed back to life:

GG: Hey, where's Lil Seb? TT: Just wandering around. Fidgeting and stuff.

TT: You know how he is. TT: Just stay at your post until Roxy gets back. [...] GG: But I think that's where my dad went too! GG: I have to follow him.

Let's remember that he has direct control over Seb, meaning this is not an accident.

TT: But I can still monitor your progress through Lil Sebastian. TT: He and I are linked the hell up cyberwise. We are so tight. Tight like you wouldn't believe.

Which makes it very interesting that he spends the time between saying they're linked up, and the time where Seb leads Jane to her death, acting as if Seb is an autonomous guy he's telling what to do, and not functionally an extension of himself:

TT: Don't worry, we'll find him. I'll have Seb search within a likely radius. The little guy is real fast.

TT: If you need Seb to do anything from afar, just message me, and I'll give him the orders. Got it?

TT: So give the bunny the wallet. I'll have him run back to the house and make you a new obelisk with the same grist you just collected from it.

Jake needs much less help to prompt him into going to Derse, but still, I think it warrants noting that Hal puts the idea of adventure into Jake's head:

GT: I cant believe i never found those hidden transport pads under the thing. TT: Dude, I could have told you they were there. GT: How did you know about them? TT: I didn't. TT: But it's like platformer gaming 101. You look everywhere for secret passages and power-ups and shit. TT: Elevators are especially fucking suspicious. TT: You go down an elevator, you wait for the elevator to go back up, you take a peek at what's underneath. TT: Maybe it's just death spikes. Or maybe you hit warp zone paydirt. [...]

GT: I think this may be where my grandma used to go during some of her expeditions. GT: You dont just pass up the chance for an adventure like this!

And let's also note that it's, again, Lil' Sebastian who pulls Jake out of Derse, and once more sets him up in the opportune place to have make outs with Dirk's severed head in front of a volcano.

And finally, let's note that he's accounted for Roxy's human sentimentality - what wastes so much time that her earthself gets killed:

TT: Alright, that's fine. TT: As luck would have it, your imperfect human sentimentality has been completely factored into my calculations. TT: You should be ok. Just get back to your house as quickly as possible now. There's no time left.

Again, like with Jane, Hal could've said something sooner... but he didn't.

And finally, a running "thing" with Nepeta, another Heart player, is that she's got a knack for sniffing out true feelings and intentions - she clocks that Equius is a silly guy who loves to play games at heart, that Karkat has his gooey, loving center beneath all his bluster, and that Eridan's red confession to her wasn't sincere, but he also wasn't that bad a guy.

So, in that light, and in light of everything I've just gone over, when Dirk makes this callout?

TT: I've delayed prototyping you because I think you're dangerous. [...] TT: No. Stop. TT: You did NOT help me out with Jake. At all. TT: It was just the opposite! You mirrored my personality and presented this warped version of my intentions to him whenever you could "on my behalf." TT: You played all these aggressive mind games with him, entangled his cooperation with matters of life and death, and somehow roped me into all these schemes while I barely even realized I was just another victim of your manipulation. TT: And it all comes off like we're a unified front, like these are OUR schemes instead of just your insane horseshit. And it's probably all been so overbearing to him, he just wants nothing to do with me anymore.

This. Tapping the screen with my finger. THIS IS TRUE. Dirk being a Heart player, he has Hal clocked. He ultimately ends up going too far, projecting himself onto Hal, a symptom of too much Heart (as per his Prince class) - but before he fully spirals, he manages to get it totally right.

Hal is fucking dangerous. In a misguided attempt to "help" Dirk get what he wanted, he engineered a situation where - let me just quote him directly:

TT: I told you, Jake. TT: Dirk is dead. TT: He is lying on the floor of Roxy's room, headless, four hundred and thirteen years in the future, while the universe is about to be destroyed. TT: If you don't kiss me soon, he will be dead forever. [...] GT: This strikes me as rather unsportingly manipulative of you mr hal if indeed that IS your real name. TT: It isn't really. I was kind of messing with you about that? TT: But this shit is pretty serious. People's lives are on the line here, Jake. TT: This is a very delicate sequence of events that is designed to bail everyone out of a tight spot, and you are a critical part of the plan.

[...]

TT: Jake, everybody is so utterly fucking dead, Jake. TT: And they will be not only dead, but royally boned forever if you don't man the hell up and make out with me, right now. [...] TT: The conductor is ready to strike up the band. TT: Press your lips against mine and make it count. TT: This severed head is your filthy tuba. TT: Our love will be your haunting refrain. GT: Whoa wait whoa whoa... our LOVE? Hang on a minute! TT: Stfu and kiss me. GT: Ok im going to! God!!!

So, uh, yeah, I'm kind of obsessed with him? Gets his whole team killed "for Dirk's sake". Honestly, you gotta respect it. He has zero remorse about it, too, confirming his own self-diagnosed sociopathic tendencies. Check out the way he tries to reframe his insane kill-all-your-friends plan:

AR: I see. AR: Then you don't view me as dangerous. You view me as a poor and counterproductive wing man. TT: Wow, what a superficial conclusion. Awesome deduction, Lil Einstein. AR: But the reality is, you hesitate to prototype me not because you think I would be a menace, but because you are holding a grudge against me for your romantic misfortunes. AR: I understand I am merely a machine without a firm grasp on your human morality, but logically it does not strike me as the right moral choice to punish me in this manner. AR: It is also more than a little hypocritical.

But WHY does he do this insane, convoluted, horrible fucking thing?

Well, there's a twofold problem here. The first is that Hal's emotional depth is genuinely limited. While having a powerful grasp on human behavior, he's not very good at having human compassion or empathy.

Make no mistake, he DOES have feelings, and they're pretty complicated ones, too. He has a copy of Dirk's memories, whose feelings sometimes seem "real," but at other times seem like abstract data, and then he has feelings about those feelings, which he tells Roxy he thinks are more "real" to him than the memory of Dirk's. Dirk - again, Heart player, so highly sensitive to emotions and selfhood - calls them out:

TT: Do you have any idea how old your ironic AI schtick has gotten? TT: Nobody is buying it. We all know you have legit emotions. Incomprehensible, fucked up computer emotions, but emotions nonetheless.

It should also be noted that feeling guilt while sharing a sprite with Equius genuinely freaks the Hal half out, implying he rarely experiences it (at least to any serious degree) "normally". He's genuinely terrible at caring about other people, and it makes him my lil' pookie.

He resembles Vriska in this way, whom Karkat gives a similar rant about how her emotions are burnt out and shallow. He also resembles Vriska in terms of all the fucked up irons in the fucked up fires. Maybe Hal is computer Vriska. It's Vriskas all the way down.

Digression aside, the second main reason for all his insane bullshit is that he considers himself a Dirk splinter, fundamentally.

TT: But seeing as you're The Real Dirk™, I gave you the benefit of the doubt. TT: Also, if I bitched about your tragic, embarrassingly clingy approach to the relationship, it would have been hypocritical of me. TT: Just as it would be hypocritical of you to whine about my elaborate machinations. TT: Because we are. TT: The same. TT: Guy.

An unreliable narrator is defined as one who misleads the audience, whether by intentional misdirection, or genuine obliviousness. Hal's a great example, because he's both: while a manipulative little freak to put his plans together, when he's talking to Dirk and insisting that they're the same person, he's an unreliable narrator because he doesn't realize he's wrong.

Dirk is empathetic and intuitive. Hal lacks empathy and constantly stresses logic and rationality.

Dirk is taciturn and passive. Hal is constantly butting in and conversationally domineering.

Dirk is self-loathing. Hal is self-aggrandizing.

Dirk is straightforward and honest. Hal is a gaslight gatekeep girlboss manipulative mansplain malewife.

While their initial setup is meant to mirror Dave and Davesprite, their dynamic actually serves as a foil. Dave and Davesprite ultimately are the same guy: they have the same insecurities, same personalities, and same misgivings. The reason for their discord is the same as the reason Karkat keeps having screaming matches with his past and future selves; Dave is deeply insecure, and specifically insecure around the question of "am I good enough." Thus, he compartmentalizes other versions of himself as not being along the Dave Continuum, as a means of protecting himself from introspection and facing his own flaws. Hence, the resolution for the tension between Dave and Davesprite is for Dave(s) to learn to accept himself, warts and all, thus bringing peace to the Dave-o-sphere.

But the reason for Dirk and Hal's discord is that they aren't the same guy, and neither of them realize it.

TT: See, this is why even if I did have a specific plan, I wouldn't go into details with you. TT: You would just fuck it up. You're the biggest unknown quantity here. TT: Which is pretty weird, considering you're a virtual reflection of my own thought processes.

Dirk is so aggressively obsessed with self-loathing solipsism that he projects himself onto Hal, and Hal has tied up nearly all his self-worth and identity into being a Dirk splinter that he doesn't realize that they've hopelessly diverged. Despite his frustration with being a computer, with being seen as less human by his team, with being subordinate to and beholden to Dirk, he stakes a lot of pride and personal worth on how much he does, in fact, do for the guy.

TT: You're making a mistake not leveling with me. TT: I am totally on your side, man. TT: All of my machinations have been devised with your interests in mind. TT: But you know I've always been on your side. Everything I've done has been to help you achieve your goals.

Therefore, the peace to be reached between Dirk and Hal is to realize that they're different people, and to stop offloading their problems onto each other. Dirk has to recognize Hal's existence as something beyond the Dirk-o-Sphere, and Hal has to let go of his obsession with serving Dirk, and also work on his empathy issue.

And the meta supports this. If they weren't completely discrete entities, why would Hal be considered Rose's "uncle" as part of Doc Scratch's foreshadowing, confirmed in [S] MSPA Reader: Have a Mental Breakdown?

Moreover, all the alpha kids have Alice in Wonderland associations. Jane is likened to Alice.

GG: I have to follow him. TT: No, Jane. Do not follow the rabbit. TT: Let's cool it with the Wonderland shit already. How much further through the damn looking glass do you even need to go?

Roxy, associated with cats and a purple-striped scarf, is clearly the Cheshire Cat. Jake is the Mad Hatter.

Dirk is the Red Queen - he beheads Hearts Boxcars, and later himself. Off with his head!

And Hal - well, Hal is the White Rabbit. He's not the same as Dirk.

Listen, you guys. You guys.

Sylphs are enablers. They pick a person to fixate on and bug and fuss and meddle and enable the shit out of them. Kanaya with Vriska, and later Rose, Aranea with Meenah, and Hal with Dirk. Hey, Kanaya even uses a Page in her fussing, building Tavros up just to let Vriska tear him down again.

And Mind players struggle with internal identity, emotions, and feeling whole. Latula's anxiety stems from not knowing what "role" or "identity" she has on the team, and Terezi, even in the ending she picked out for herself via mind powers, describes feeling broke and incomplete.

Dirk is a Prince of Heart.

Hal is a Sylph of Mind.

And isn't it so damn interesting that his team is composed of exactly the people they'd need to turn him into a real, whole person?

A Maid of Life, capable of endowing so much life to people she can bring them back from the dead, something it's implied for Feferi and confirmed for the Condesce that can't be done by them.

A Page of Hope, a potentially infinite wellspring of Hope, which turns "fake" things "real" - an example we've seen from the comic literally being a version of Dirk.

A Rogue of Void, who can steal the nonexistence from things in order to make them tangible and real...

And a Prince of Heart, who can destroy the part of Hal that binds him to Dirk's identity, allowing Hal to be purely himself.

Do you guys see what I see?

[light-the-spark-of-dawn]

Jason Todd was That Kid who would stay up all night reading if no one stopped him- and he was also sneaky enough to hide his book and pretend to be asleep when Alfred or Bruce checked on him. Unfortunately, this usually meant that he ended up cranky and tired during the day- and his nighttime patrols as Robin only made things worse.

Most parents would simply confiscate the book and flashlight. But most parents didn't have kids who were adopted street rats. It had taken far longer for Jason to become comfortable in the Manor than it had for Dick, and neither Bruce nor Alfred wanted to undo that progress by taking away his possessions, even if it was temporary and for his own good.

Hilariously, the solution came in the form of Hal, Ollie, and Barry all falling asleep during a Justice League meeting while Bruce was reading off a report. Even Clark and Diana were starting to doze off toward the end. And not a single one of them were even the slightest bit apologetic about it.

"Sorry Spooky, but I don't have the willpower to stay awake through your speeches."

"I have an accelerated attention span, so you might only have been talking for twenty minutes but for me it's more like three hours. And my blood sugar is starting to crash."

"This meeting could and should have been an email."

"To be fair, it was a very dry report."

"You have a nice voice, Bruce. But we can only listen to it for so long."

Incorrigible menaces, the whole lot of them. He missed the days when his fellow heroes were too intimidated to talk back to him. Still, his friends' irreverence gave Bruce an idea. He returned to the manor and went to check on his son. Sure enough, there was light peeking out from beneath his bedroom door. "Can I come in, chum? I know you're awake."

"...how'd you know?"

"I'm Batman." Even through the closed door, Bruce can feel Jason's judgmental look. "And even a little bit of light is pretty noticeable in a dark hallway."

"Damn. Alright, come in."

The hinges creak as Bruce pushes open the door. Jason is sitting up in his bed, with a thick book on his lap and flashlight in hand. His face is expressionless, but Batman's careful eye notes the slight tension in the boy's posture.

Bruce pulls Jason's desk chair over and sits next to the bed. "So, what're you reading?"

Jason tilts the book upward to show the cover of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare.

"Huh. I thought you preferred prose."

"I do." Jason shrugged. "But Othello was interesting enough when we read it in class, so I figured I'd give some of the other plays a shot."

"I see. So which one are you reading now?"

"Julius Caesar."

"Ah I had to read that for my eighth grade English class. Alfred told me then that Shakespeare sounds better when read out loud." Bruce pointed at the book. "Mind if I have a crack at it? I have it on good authority that I have a nice voice."

"Who said that??" Jason looks skeptical but still hands over the book.

"Wonder Woman." Bruce flicks on Jason's desk lamp so he can see the letters, leans back in the chair, and begins to read, "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars..."

As Bruce reads the lines of iambic pentameter in a slow, steady cadence, Jason's eyelids begin to droop. Before long, he's fast asleep, and doesn't stir when Bruce stops reading and tucks a bookmark between the pages, when he sets the book down on the desk and turns off the lamp, or even when the hinges creak as he closes the door behind him.

Just in case though, Bruce waits in the hallway for several minutes to see if Jason's flashlight comes back on. Thankfully, there is only darkness. Bruce breathes a sigh of relief, then jumps at Alfred's sudden quiet whisper.

"Quite the performance, Master Bruce. Though I do think the Bard would consider it a tad underwhelming."

"Well," Bruce chuckled. "you told me once that an actor should play to his crowd, and my audience was one boy who needed to sleep."

"An unorthodox interpretation of my lesson, but if it encourages Master Jason towards healthier sleeping habits, I think it is a lesson applied well." Alfred nudges Bruce's elbow gently, guiding him along the hallway toward his own bedroom. "Now, do follow his example and get some rest. Or else I shall have to recite Pericles, and nobody wants that."

[pneumaticshift]

Batlantern selkie AU also has it's grips on me. Makes me brainstorm even more if Hal is the selkie cuz it would make so much sense. (His commitment issues frfr)

Oh man, Hal would be so protective over his coat only to lose it in the stupidest, most plot-convenient way. It wouldn’t be as simple as him leaving it on a rock for a while, or that he just forgets it. Oh no, no, no. It’d be something truly stupid, like a seagull coming out of buttfuck nowhere and just like swiping it. And if it just so happens to drop it on Bruce’s yacht, well, that’s neither here nor there. 

Cue a hilarious montage of Hal staging the world’s worst undercover operation to steal his own coat before Bruce does something drastic. Never once does he think to just simply ask for it back. 

Rom-com ensues. They fall in love, the sun sets in the background, credits roll. 

Counterpoint though: SelkieBruce so I can make the Batfam selkies too…

[soup-of-madness]

Ok so here’s an idea that’s been sitting in my head for a while

Bruce and Ollie get de-aged (somehow idk) to like late teens (19/20) - with only hazy memories of the present day e.g. these are people to trust and annoying them will be hilarious- and they’re sat in the watchtower and the chaos that ensues

Barry: So Constantine, what’s happened? John: Dunno mate… Hal (thinking): it is not ok to be thinking Batman is hot Hal (out loud): so what can we expect? Dinah (snickering):… Hal, Barry, Constantine: …what? Dinah (knowing full well how Brucie and Ollie were at that age from Oliver’s stories/drunk gala moments): nothin’ 

Bruce (stage whispering): Ollie? Oliver (also stage whispering): Mmh? Bruce: You wanna make out for the drama? Oliver: Like the gala on your 16th? Bruce: Yeah… but wasn’t Harvey was there that time? Oliver: ohhh yeahhh… good times

Barry, Hal: (heads whip around) the fuck??? Brucie and Ollie: (making out fOR ThE dRaMA) Dinah: (cackling in the background)

Ok this idea is probably ooc but I love the dynamic of boarding school friends between Bruce and Oliver and boarding schools are really gay… but nobody is labelled gay? So like the whole banging-your-best-friend-who-may-or-may-not-be-older-than-you-dynamic is completely normal. Oh also, they’re still perfectly happy with whoever you ship them with but they totally were gay for each other then. Also Harvey Dent was there too.

[neo30deck]

I know people love the batfam, and throwing them through a bunch of character development to make Bruce a better dad so that they're a happy family (at least as close to a happy family they can be).

But it would be really funny if the batkids ended up running off to the homes of Bruce's friends whenever he pisses them off.

And I know you're thinking about Clark or Diana first, but I imagine Barry as the one who has to deal with his house being broken into by a bunch of kids who need refuge from their dad that they're pissed off at.

Now, hear me out.

Dick is best friends with Wally, and I really like Barry and Bruce being close friends. So Dick would've spent a lot of his childhood being around Barry since the guy probably goes to the Batcave to ramble about cases with Bruce.

You could also have him go over to Metropolis to vent to his uncle Clark, but I want the speedster to wrap him in a blanket and give him advice on how to take care of himself and relieve that pressure of being the oldest.

Now Jason... Maybe he would fuck off over to Coast to bother Hal with his problems.

Because 1. The guy already hates Batman, and he would totally bond with Jason over complaining about his awful demeanor. 2. Bruce hates Hal, so Jason bonding with Hal and sharing stories of Bruce doing stupid things to piss him off would be hilarious.

Hal gets stories of the great Batman burning down a kitchen trying to make toast, and Jason gets a hero in his corner ready to wholeheartedly defend him against Batman.

Even if Jason went into a rage, Hal could 100% defend himself by putting him in a box to let it all out. He would not judge Jason for the side effects of dying, they might even bond over that!

I also love the headcanon of Hal being a great cook and knowing how to make great food with his limited supply. So that's something he could bond with Jason over while he vents about what Bruce did this time.

And for the Halbarry enjoyers of this platform, Hal eventually migrating over to Barry's home when they date could give Jason another hero who has experience dealing with Bruce's bullshit under his belt. And he can spend his time cooking mountains of food for the resident speedsters as a way to vent when Hal is off planet.

Now Tim.

Tim shall also go to Barry, because I think these two are cute together, and Tim is friends with Bart, so I imagine him hanging out in Barry's home pretty often regardless. (I may be clinging to that one comic panel of Barry saying he liked Tim. No idea where it is tho)

Give Tim another adult to get help with his cases. Barry canonically spends time after meetings chatting with Bruce about cases. Tim has experience dealing with Bart and his speed rambles. They both could let loose around the other and go nerd as much as they want. Tim would find Barry's knowledge of science fascinating.

And it would've been so fun if Tim went to Barry when Bruce was out of time for help. The speedster has plenty of experience with time-related shenanigans!

Damian... I think he would like Dinah a lot? Maybe because her prowess in martial arts is impressive and reminds him of his mother, so he respects her a lot?

I don't know Damian that well, he might like Barry because he's fast enough to react to all of his attacks, so he doesn't have to worry about catching him off guard. He might even find it fun to try and land a hit? maybe.

[galaxymagitech]

Inspired by this post where Hal Jordan (who is canonically Jewish) can't help but notice Batman declining a donut on Yom Kippur...

I think it would be hilarious if Hal went into detective mode and it became A Thing.

Batman does frequently refuse pastries, so it takes a while, but eventually the evidence adds up to create A Theory. The Yiddish words Batman occasionally drops in his rants could just be a product of living in Gotham. Maybe he simply isn’t hungry on Yom Kippur. Perhaps he brings his own food during Passover in a spur of paranoia. But all of it, together?

Hal feels like a conspiracy theorist with a string board, because yeah, he feels like a jerk trying to figure out if someone is Jewish, but…he has to know. For the sake of just knowing. And also so he knows whether he should avoid scheduling monitor duty on Friday nights. (Batman’s never complained, but Batman doesn’t really seem the type to kvetch—that goes in the “not Jewish” evidence column).

Batman vetoes a proposal that they meet on the first night of Passover, citing “family matters.” When Diana proposes moving it to the second night, he cites “family matters” as well.

Hal sees Batman eating a cheeseburger. But everyone has different levels of observance, and fasting for Yom Kippur and eating kosher for Passover doesn't mean Batman always eats kosher...

Perhaps he's getting too attached to his idea. Hal theorizes that Batman is wearing a kippah under his cowl, and that’s why he uses a cowl instead of a mask. (Batman is not, in fact, wearing a kippah under his cowl. Hair clips could injure him if he’s hit in the head, and he was never raised to wear one as a kid.)

Eventually, after years of this, Batman brings latkes to the Justice League’s winter holiday party. He looks across the room, stares Hal right in the eyes, holds up a package of vegan cheese, and slowly places a slice on his burger. A chill travels down his spine.

Batman’s definitely seen his “evidence” list, hasn’t he?

[batsandbirdbrains]

What are your favorite comic runs?

Omg buckle up this is gonna get long

Grayson was one of my first real comic introductions to Dick Grayson/Nightwing, so I love it with all my heart. Super spy Dick Grayson in an art style that heavily resembles Archer (also one of my fav shows)? Love it, love to see it. I would pay an obscene amount of money to see it either as an animated movie or a live action. I want super spy Dick on the big screen. Give it to me.

I like the Seeley run of Nightwing bc it introduces Raptor and it’s right after Dick finishes his stint in Spyral (Better than Batman is the first volume in that run)

I adore Nightwing: Renegade bc I’m a sucker for him interacting with Deathstroke

Nightwing Mobbed Up was fun, that’s when he Crutches

Batman One Bad Day: Mr Freeze was an excellent Dick Grayson Robin story

Say what you will about All Star Batman and Robin, Boy Wonder but it was fucking hilarious and Dick like karate chops Hal in the throat while he’s painted yellow. It’s a fun time and it’s completely unhinged

I really enjoyed the Robin & Batman art style. The story was okay, I’m not actually a fan of bad dad Bruce in canon. It’s only fun in fanfics. Good story tho

Batman Dark Victory is nice, has little cute Dick Grayson Robin

I liked the Grant Morrison Batman & Robin where Dick is Batman and Damian is his Robin. Was one of the first physical comics I added to my collection

Robin Year One and Nightwing Year One, of course. Also Batgirl Year One but tbh I only read it bc I got the combined Batgirl Year One / Robin Year One copy

The Silver Age Teen Titans is fun bc it’s goofy and they’re all so cute and tiny

Teen Titans Year One was fun I don’t care what anyone says it’s one of my favs. The art style is so cartoony and fun

And if we wanna add graphic novels, I enjoyed The Lost Carnival bc it’s like a “what if Dick’s parents hadn’t died” kinda situation so he still is in the circus when he’s like I think 16-18? I don’t remember exactly how old he was in it

I also enjoy the current World’s Finest and World’s Finest: Teen Titans runs by Mark Waid but I’m pretty far behind, I haven’t read them in a while.

And I have Battle for the Cowl, Batman: No Man’s Land, and Batman: The Black Mirror all in my collection but haven’t had a chance to read them yet.