#he's so stupid I can't
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The @ramnonymous design-inspired stuff I guess
#yeah#he's the guy ever#made the horns bigger I'm sorry I'm weak#c!schlatt#myart#art#schlatt#Sdmp#sdmp fanart#sdmp schlatt#dsmp#dsmp fanart#he's so stupid I can't#schlatt fanart#sleep deprived multiplayer#sleep deprived smp
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#Undertale#utdr#papyrus#gaster#dadster#my art#cw unfunny joke#my drawing program crashed twice while drawing these god herself wanted this gone#i missed drawing papyrus & dadster sillies sm#i love drawing teen papyrus my design for him is adorable. why does he even need braces#edit why are so many people trying to solve the crossword i was the one who put it together and im stupid#obviously its impossible i can't do shit
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Jason Todd arrives to the Gotham after being brought back alive for the first time, and while building up his career as Red Hood, visits Harvey Dent in the Arkham. They talk in a surprising peace, discuss this and this, and Jason even shares some of his insane ass lore, because, honestly, who is going to believe Harvey Dent?
And no one doesn't.
But there is a problem. The next time Bruce Wayne visits Harvey, Harvey randomly drops a bomb on him by saying that he is so, so glad that their Jaylad is back, and he grew up so much, looks so much like Bruce now! He even tries to assure him that, you see, yeah, Jason was dead, but he crawled out of his grave, and then, the Lazarus Pit fixed him!
Bruce thinks Harvey finally had reached the end of his line. Like, low-key, the last stage of insanity.
Harvey: God, he is still so well-mannered. I feel so pleased that he came to visit old me first, though. I always thought I was his favourite over you.
Bruce, laughing awkwardly, while asking the medics to add some new medicine to Harvey: Ahaha, yeah, that sounds like our Jaylad.
Harvey: Super happy for him, seriously. I mean, look at him, getting himself a new career as a Red Hood. That's our son. Feel a little bit bitter that he is into Al Ghuls family now, but that's fine.
Bruce, frowning, because Harvey isn't supposed to know about Al Ghuls and their connection to Lazarus Pit or about Red Hood: Uh, had J-Jason said something else to you?
Harvey: Oh, damn, we spoke for the whole night. He was pissed at you, though. Like, for the Tim guy, whoever he is.
Bruce, turning to the doctors: ...Maybe, uh, give me the same pills you gave him. I feel like I need it, too.
#jason finds out about this and decides that the best way to mess w bruce is to speak to all their old friends this way and gaslight bruce#like he meets with selina and selina randomly sends bruce her selfie w jason that says YOU FUCKER SHOULD'VE TOLD ME SON IS BACK??#then gordon randomly tells batman that oh wow glad the kid is back btw he send me cards very cute of him#then riddler drops a bunch of riddles about second robin being back on his head#oswald calls begging to get his stupid son out of his tail#bruce returns home and jason is just here... drinking tea with alfred and helping tim with homework#bruce corners jason and jason goes like hey wtf i send you email that i am back you ignored me???#(he didn't. but bruce doesn't check his email so he can't say that for sure SO HE APOLOGISES)#dcu comics#jason todd#red hood#dc universe#dcu#batman#bruce wayne#batfamily#batfam#harvey dent#selina kyle#alfred pennyworth
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pulling up to the function two years late with aven art in hand......hey honkai star railers
#is it called honkai star rail because we gotta rail aventurine until he sees stars#SLASH JAY SLASH JAY#sketching this made me remember how much i fucking HATED hoyoverse's complicated designs#anyway i finally finished penacony i can't believe this stupid bitch was only in the first act and then promptly decided to kill himself#i was hoping he'd show up in like the last twenty hours but NOPE here's nobody's favorite character sunday!#i LOVE aventurine he's like a childe kaveh hybrid; hoyo knew what they were doing combining my two favs to make the ultimate blorbo#ALSO DOCTOR RATIO GOD DAMNNNN hes so fine 😍😍😍😍 i wish he showed up more like even that damn charmony dove had more screentime than him#penacony was pretty good ngl i played the whole thing in two days so it was kinda overwhelming and imo there were some plot holes#but overall it was rly good i loved the setting and the cast a lot#apparently its based on vegas so america cameo RAAAHHHH 🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸💥💥💥💥💥💥💥‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️#amphoreus better be goated penacony is kinda hard to top but ik they'll do it#honkai star rail#hsr#aventurine#aventurine hsr#should i tag ratio(?) he’s technically here 🤨 fuck it#dr ratio#ratiorine#lotus draws
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why choose only one vessel if you can use two
#long story short bill romantically interacts with ford only in dreams so he's a little bit jealous to fiddleford#who can physically interact w ford. but can't because he's shy to make any move towards ford#and ford isn't happy because he thinks fiddles doesn't like him in that way#they are so stupid#fanart#my art#art#sketch#comics#gravity falls#young stanford pines#ford pines#stanford pines#young fiddleford#fiddleford mcgucket#fiddleford hadron mcgucket#fiddleauthor#ford^2#bill x ford#fordford#fiddleford x stanford#bill x stanford#billford#billfiddlesford#billfiddauthor#i can say it's also fiddlebill#artists on tumblr
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For the art prompt, Shen Qingqui and/or Luo Binghe in a DTBPF scenario as a pet cat or Bingpup? Or even one or both of them as pet fish, what colors do you think they would be?
<< Congratulations, congratulations, congratulations! Good things must be said three times! User has completed the first part of the Moe Pet System main quest: Meet With The Scum Villain. Your purpose is to rehabilitate the Scum Villain and save The Protagonist from unnecessary hardship! Good luck, user! >>
whatever, if his quests are going to be impossible then the least he can do is take preemptive revenge for the tea incident!
#svsss#dtbpf#shen qingqiu#shen jiu#shen yuan#of course i've got to go with the classic fish version if we're talking about a dtbpf au!#shen yuan gets to start off as an unimpressive little carp and be LIVID about how USELESS this form is! how's he supposed to rehabilitate#an Ultimate Irredeemable Scum Villain like shen qingqiu??? might as well turn him to fish bone and fish ash right now!! bitch of a system!!#at least he'll get to harrass sqq as much as humanly possible until he inevitably gets killed by this villains hands - how's a bastard#like this going to care for a fish if he can't even take care of his own disciples????#(the answer to that is: out of Pure Spite)#he finds yqy was planning a special meal for him when he arrived for a meeting and obviously wasn't going to stand for THAT#instead of letting the cook catch the escaped carp he declares if he's meant for him ANYWAY then he will DAMN WELL KEEP IT and yqy#can die mad about the unmade and uneaten soup#so now sqq is stuck with the world's MOST DISAGREEABLE FISH#how is a fish supposed to be disagreeable? who knows. of course it's his fate that even his own pet can't tolerate him. but getting rid of#it now is GIVING UP because yqy will definitely notice if it's gone and SQQ IS NOT GIVING UP SO HE'S KEEPING THE STUPID FISH#AND WILL LEARN HOW TO TAKE CARE OF IT SO IT DOESN'T DIE ON HIM. EVEN IF EVERYONE INVOLVED HATES IT.#as for colours he starts of drab like li yu but gets to be pretty and swooshy eventually#i would be inclined to keep a similar colour scheme - white/silver/green etc#people are eyeballing this fish as it changes colours and everyone is wondering what the HELL sqq is doing to make it match his aesthetic#sqq is just as baffled and frankly disturbed but it keeps testing negative for demonic energy#shen yuan isnt thrilled either actually. its nice to be pretty but why do they MATCH? is this that thing about people resembling their pets#my art
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How do you think Robotnik would react when he found out that Stone has a 301 IQ and one singular more than him?
I imagine Stone does something smart and Robotnik’s like “Huh. Maybe he isn’t as stupid as the rest is of those buffoons.” Then he pulls up Stone’s file, and is shocked and maybe a little begrudgingly impressed.
He spends the next few weeks laying out “tests” for Stone, which are either the most basic things or extremely convoluted like a mathematical equation for the Wifi password.
Meanwhile, Stone is just very confused by all these random tasks, but he’s having fun.

He's coping
Also lol the Wi-Fi equation, was that a reference to my fic?
ko-fi
And bonus horrified Rob because it made me laugh

#ask ask ask#stobotnik#agent stone#doctor ivo robotnik#sonic movie universe#then he starts with the whole iq is not really accurate!#intelligence can't be measured like that it is far too complex and it includes far too many variants!#which i mean is true iq is kinda bullshit#but you wouldn't hear him saying that when he thought his was higher#stone who is a smart man realizes what is happening and goes ah#yeah iq is bullshit doctor#honestly not to make this stupid post angsty but#where stone thinks he's only worth what he can do for robotnik#robotnik thinks his only redeeming quality is how smart he is#so if you take that away from him... what can he offer?
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he's so HANDSOMEEEEE HELLOOOOOOOO gnawing at the bars of my enclosure. ALSO THE ROLLED UP SLEEVES. OPEN SHIRT. AND TANKTOP FOR CHEST HAIR????? BARK BARK GRRRRR RAAHH BARK BARK BARK
#smosh#damien haas#smosh dread#smosh dread spoilers#SMOSH DREAD I OWE YOU MY LIFE#we CAN'T KEEP letting him get AWAY with this#LOOK AT MY MEAL#he's so husband#how does he keep literally getting hotter and more handsome.......#also the stupid voice and expressions are so everything#i love it
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Every time I've drawn or posted or thought about the Mikes at all it's felt like this
#my art#deltarune#small mike#battat mike#battat#deltarune spoilers#I'm honestly really charmed by how small mike's design looks kind of stupid and not even cool.#Like it's not bad but it probably wouldn't be particularly memorable in most contexts.#However in the context that he does exist in its like he tried very hard and this is his best effort.#And I love that the smaller microphone he's holding is also smiling. So whimsical#dt#I drew this at like 3 am so thats why it looks kind of bad other than the fact I think I was trying to make it look slightly bad.#I was supposed to post this alongside something better but I don't have it finished and now I have to go get groceries so I can't draw.#So it's better to just post this now before I forget. It's fine it's funny I guess
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So like... it's a Thing in all fandoms where fans sort of latch onto fanon versions of characters and their dynamics with each other that are actually completely off-base, right? I don't know if this phenomenon has an official name, but I've seen it so many times and it's fascinated me every time. Especially when a character's popular fanon selves don't end up just diluted from their source material, but straight up OPPOSITE their canon portrayal.
So one of my "favorite" variations on this was how the early PotC fandom used to get Will EXTREMELY wrong, especially in comparison to Jack, and it made finding in-character fics SO. DAMN. DIFFICULT.
I've talked about this MULTIPLE times before, as have several other fans. It's a dead horse being beaten. But basically certain prevalent takes on fanon!Will have in the past leaned towards a personality that was very patient and grounded and even demure to contrast against Jack's off-beat personality and Elizabeth's fiery rebelliousness. Because Elizabeth has the drive to push back against social norms, Will became the foil who fell back to his pre-pirate version, reluctant to break rules unless she pulled him into it, even in post-CotBP timelines. Likewise, Jack was the one with the WTF decision making, while Will was more rooted in reasonable decisions.
And by their appearances, archetypes, and certain elements of their world views, you'd THINK that's how it works. When we meet Will in the governor's foyer, Will is so lovestruck and doe-eyed and subservient to the governor, I think that people thought that's just Who He Is. Especially because he often acts as Jack's straight-man foil in the comedic elements. Straight-laced. Rigid. Even boring or timid.
But if you actually pay attention to the movies, it's very much the opposite. In canon, Jack's USUALLY the level-headed one who just happens to have chaos follow him, because of the way he can wield it. He thinks in long run, tries to solve problems with words and as little fighting as possible as often as he can. Ideal situations for Jack are more like a thief--he wants to be in and out of the job as silently and slick as possible. The scenarios he's in are insane, because the way he throws other people around with those scenarios is kind of insane, but he himself remains largely cool and collected.
That's Jack.
THIS is Will:
Canon!Will starts out literally so impulsive and rash, Jack has to physically manhandle him at certain points to keep him from blowing up his plans--and then still gets taken out because he underestimates his listening skills and impatience. Will corners Jack into what is functionally a cage match to the death by sanely locking the door with his sword and very nearly wins. He is constantly at 11, constantly demanding things be done faster, more directly, and at the same time quietly scheming behind Jack's back almost from the get-go. He does flashy jumps and flips off of things because using the stairs is too slow or whatever. He shows up in DMC yelling at Jack to give him his compass at the point of the sword, and insisting he'll get Davy Jones' key by just "cutting down everyone in his path."
Even when Will mellows out significantly in AWE, there are remnants of this contrast still there. Jack's plan for leading Beckett to Shipwreck Cove seems to have been a very reasonable and underhanded effort to deliberately make sure Elizabeth is inside the Cove while Will is on Beckett's ship, in command of the Compass. Meanwhile Will's plan was to leave a breadcrumb trail of vulture-sea gulls feasting on dead soldiers' corpses.
What I'm getting at is, yeah, Jack's a charismatic "rogue" and Will's a "romantic hero" TECHNICALLY. Jack makes quippy jokes, and Will glares and scowls and WTFs back. But not only are they are both more alike than people give them credit for, they are also totally opposite their roles' traditional personalities in ways that the fandom tends to overlook.
TLDR; Jack's crazy, Will's a sweetheart. But Will is also a manic gremlin, and Jack doesn't always know what to do with him about it, so they often end up something like this:
And more fans need to play with this fact, the end.
#Will Turner#Jack Sparrow#PotC#Pirates of the Caribbean#CotBP#Curse of the Black Pearl#DMC#Dead Man's Chest#At World's End#AWE#He's off his half-pin barrel hinges#And he's (does the swagger thing)#The fact that Jack IMMEDIATELY got rid of Will in DMC is extremely funny in this context#'I don't know what this idiot is going to do--I will stick him somewhere so far away he can't mess anything up'#SPOILER ALERT: he still does#'I have your stupid key Jack. And I brought the kraken with me too.'
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Ohh thats delicious, sure my soup ask was kinda more on the fluff side. But him escaping the cons, being in such rough shape. Just imagining Prowl is stressed beyond belief. Sure he's with Jazz the whole time, but he's also searching or anything and everything that could help Jazz Do they have whats needed here in the building? If not who is willing to go out and risk their life to get what is needed. What is something happens to them, what if they don't get back in time? What will happen to Jazz He can't lose Jazz, not after everything that has happened. And watching Jazz get worse and all he can do is just be there. Be a comfort to him, and wait. Time he's not sure Jazz has, all he can hope is those who do go out come back in time. If they come back at all
But what if they can't even go out hm? What if there's some kind of acid storm or fucking. Idk. Monsters or something? Maybe it's a very rough snow storm? Actually! The snow storm would be pretty interesting because it would force everyone to stay inside but it would also be a great danger to Prowl because the complex is freaking old and not suited for very low temperatures.
(The real reason is the cuddles. The cuddles of desperation. The "Let me keep you warm" cuddles.)
(Oh and also all the Autobots being really busy trying to maintain the building from collapsing because the snow is slowly swallowing everything.)
What if it's claustrophobic and cold.
......okay okay uh. This is probably gonna sound stupid and kinda in the spirit of G1 logic and feel free to pretend I didn't suggest it. BUT. Manually controlling weather is a pretty popular supervillain ability. I can imagine Decepticon scientists inventing it. What IF. They invent the way to "summon" the super heavy deadly snow storm and then also invent the way to sorta..aim it. With some kind of device.
So. Hear me out. Jazz goes on a mission and gets caught but pretty quickly escapes. The thing is - Con scientists get the creative idea. They're like WAIT. We can turn this human into the aiming device! We just gotta find a way to make it reeeeeally hard to find and even harder to extract. So when the guy comes back to his secret base - bam. The deadly storm follows him and destroys all their infrastructure and possibly buries them alive.
So then we could have
Jazz who is suffering from unknown weird poison and no one knows that the poison in question is some sort of nano bots that his body is rejecting. While also kinda..freezing.
The Autobots trying their best to work as a team to stop their base from collapsing under the unrealistically heavy snow
Prowl being glued to Jazz side because holy shit his most precious human is freaking dying and no one even can clearly determine why. Because their super advanced tech fucking broke from freezing
Damn this got long. It's midnight and I feel like it's either very cool or very stupid idea lmao

#tf portal au#idk I just. I like the idea of Jazz getting sick and somehow making Prowl “sick” as well but in a bit different sense#imagine if at some point Jazz realizes that storm is following him specifically#so he runs away using portals#And leads the storm away from his people and the complex and Prowl as well#the oopsie is. He is still very much sick so he ends up sorta. sacrificing himself by simply giving the fuck up and passing out in the storm#instead of some kind of clever tricks#I#hm....#I can't tell if it sounds stupid#I need to leave this idea overnig#*overnight
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double ?? upload ???? yeaaaahh i've gotten FASTERRrr for whatever that's worth so complementary blyla because guess what i miss them too (nobody was surprised by that)
#star wars#clone wars#star wars the clone wars#blyla#artists on tumblr#listen i just have a thing for jedi + clones it seems and we cannot forget dartain the ogs (i will draw that tonight + tomorrow not now)#tcw made aayla so cool bro i love her#can you tell i've been on a mellon_soup kick !! i love her references so much bro#one day i will draw foxiyo. that day may be tomorrow i don't know#prequel-era ships are elite sorry everything else is Lame except for han/leia rebelcaptain and kanera (reylo's fine ig)#tcw is also the only thing that salvages anidala for me however! this is not an anidala post i am getting so off-topic whoa#i am unmedicated.#anyway yayyyy double upload#by the way in my head the accelerated aging thing just straight-up doesn't exist#cuz it's one of the dumbest things star wars has ever done i think it just doesn't make sense#anyway ^^)b#listen i'm not ALWAYS gonna go the cheap route and do the gradient thing instead of color i just don't wannaaaa. too much work#“jedi can't have attachments!!!!” and you can't have fun apparently#besides attachment and .-+ love +-. are different things and the jedi USED to know that before they contracted stupid disease#aayla secura#commander bly#would've drawn bly's armor cause it's cool but friiiick dude i already did it for rex and I AIN'T DOIN' IT AGAIN#(will do it again for darman because i'm a masochist)#hey. he's a commando it's different#at least i finally get to throw my etain headcanons into the ring#why am i talking about other ships on a blyla post. whatever#i'll color something eventually. sketching is just significantly easier and more fun#actually scratch that heck y'all i'll do what i wanna do#(affectionate dw)#my art
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I cannot wait for this Stan to reconnect with his Ford.


I still haven't figured out HOW exactly they'll meet yet, but I do think that Ford would ATTACH himself to Stanley and talk his ears off forever when they eventually get comfortable :] and Stanley would listen because HOLY SHIT, THAT'S HIS BRO HE HASN'T SEEN FOR 40-ISH YEARS, HE MISSED HIS VOICE. Nonstop certified Yapper & Listener relationship <3
Stanley looks dead faced because of his ingrained poker face, but he's thouroughly enjoying it, even if sometimes he has no idea what the fuck Ford is saying. He never interrupts him though, since he knows people usually ignore or interrupt him mid-talk already. So sometimes Stan gets stuck in awkward situations where he has to leave or do stuff, but also doesn't have it in his heart to stop Ford and extract himself out of a (one-sided) conversation.
#Stanley: that motherfucker just ignored you completely- would you like me to kill him.#Stanford: Who? What are you talking about? Anyways. Have you ever seen gnomes before? Because just yesterday I-#I imagine conversations with Stanford to be very stitled and all over the place.#Since his thoughts are quite literally scattered- he can never really process them fast enough to actually verbalize them.#Or even understand them.#So he often only catch the tail ends of a thought- or cutoff half formed thoughts- or only the beginning half of an idea- memory- or opinio#And when he talks- you can really tell with the amount of tangents he goes off into and how everything he says#are completely disconnected and unrelated from one another.#I think the reason he talks so much is because it's his way of desperately trying to get himself understood by someone- including himself.#He's hoping that maybe- by verbalizing EVERYTHING in his mind all at once into some incomprehensible word vomit- that someday-#those senseless- useless words will one day magically order themselves into the right sentence for him to be finally be able to say what#he actually MEANS.#But because he's ''that crazy Town Kook Ford'' he just never really gets the chance to talk to anyone.#People in town baby him- treat him like a child.#And I mean- it must really hurt. For someone of his former intellect to have lost all ability to express himself eloquently#Not because he's any less smart- but because he just can't talk anymore. At least- not in any way that matters#I think Stanley understands him though. I think Stanley would understand his struggle to not be labeled as just stupid by others#Anyways- that was my ramble <3#my post#asks#sput chatters#stanford pines#ford pines#stanley pines#stan pines#gravity falls#gravity falls au#Town Kook Ford AU#my art
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My personal headcanon for the Green Lanterns is that they never really do age.
Hear me out.
They ALL look like they have never been touched by time, right? Heck, Hal even got younger after he got back from his spiritual vacation lol. Even I forget Kyle is supposed to be 30+, I always assume he's freshly out of college, broke and lost and wet kitty but no, that dude is 30, 34 even.
My headcanon is really simple, they just simply forget to age. Straight up. Forgetting to age. In space.
Since whatever they believe will come true with the ring, they only age when they have a sense that time has passed. Whenever they are in space, they kind of have a warped sense of time (just like how when we work time passes slower) since there's no indicator of Earth time out there, no days, no hours, no weeks, so whenever they're out in space they just simply stop aging until they're back on Earth, and there's a Calendar within their vision again.
It's really subtle so no one really sees it at first but as time passes and Robins grow up, people finally notice it at a League party when the entire Green Lanterns just casually sit in the table for the younger heroes (who's typically 20 - under 35 with no children yet). It's not even their fault or anything.
It's Hal's.
Hal sees his fav nephew Wally and goes to him to hang out (can you believe his nephews and nieces have children before this man get to settle?). The whole GL corps who are ALL technically younger than him just waddle after him like a group of ducklings.
And they ALL look nothing like their age so no one really bats an eye until someone, possibly Roy just points it out like,
Roy: "Aren't you guys supposed to sit with those old veterans over there?"
Hal, *eating pizza*: Old what? I don't even have a kid?
John, nodding to Hal: Well, Hal's not old so I'm not old either.
Guy: Pfffftt yea right, miss me with that old bullshit, kid. My engines' still running and it's running well.
Kyle, who's more than 30: But... I'm a rookie? (He has been a GL for almost a decade)
Jessica, confused: But I'm the rookie here?
Simon: Stop pretending to be one to get rookie hero discount, Kyle.
Jo (the real rookie)(but by no mean a youngster): Don't you two realize the irony here?
And they ALL continue to eat at that table without ever realizing what's wrong. It's worse when they, themselves, do feel kind of young because they keep meeting species across the galaxy that can live for thousand of years, since the dawn of time, even, and those beings just keep saying something like "Pesky Green Lanterns, you're like a baby to me! How dare you command me!".
The worse case may be Kyle's, honestly. He has a VERY SPECIFIC anchor to reference for aging and it's Hal. Ever since Hal came back younger after his death, Kyle just looks at Hal and his brain goes "Yea Hal looked like this when I was 18. He still looks young, now. That must means I am like, 20, at best. There's no way I'm 30 hahaha" and refuses to age a day pass 22.
In conclusion, nothing prevents aging like some space dust and the sheer belief that no time has passed for the Green Lanterns.
#dc comics#shitpost#green lantern#dc#hal jordan#kyle rayner#john stewart#simon baz#jessica cruz#green lantern corps#jo mullein#green lantern headcanons#lanternfam#headcanons#dc headcanon#but kind of stupid#in my world all the GLs follow Hal like ducklings at an Earth social event#for no logical reason at all#“Hal's here so I'd better turn my brain off” is just wired in their brain#Except John because he can still turn it on at will#but why would he do that it's a League party#Don't argue with me I am stupid and my brain can't accept criticism#Hal is workaholic and he is well respected#okay????#Don't you see every time he has tried to quit the Corps everything just ended up exploded???#Also Bruce will definitely get into a scandal for dating Hal#Like the Leonardo DiCaprio situation#But no#they're born 1 day apart Hal just looks closer to Dick's age than Bruce lol
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EEEEE!! I love your stobotnik art sm! If ur open to it id love to see some more art of the pair interacting with themselves/each other in the future? 👉👈

Anyways, (eats ur art)

Stone has some regrets and Robotnik is learning some stuff
ko-fi
#ask ask ask#stobotnik#agent stone#doctor ivo robotnik#sonic movie universe#eggman is time traveling#oof tumblr really decided to murder the quality on this one#we're getting heavy into my personal headcanons here people#but yes i basically think stone blames himself for everything that has happened to the doctor#boy wishes he had been there in the mushroom planet with his boss#i think past stone blames future stone like#i would never let that happen to him. how did you fail so badly?#but stone oh stone you will. you can't stop robotnik#meanwhile robotnik is not even considering that stone might feel this way#sure he is not above blaming stone for bad stuff#but stone wasn't even THERE for this bad thing#stone was probably somewhere else following his orders#stone was following his program if you will. he can't be faulted for that#so this is something stone will always have to carry#since the doctor will never realize it's a problem#oh a happier note I love how fucking stupid the future versions look next to the past ones#they're clowns now
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It is no hardship, Emmrich tells himself, to wear his face. It is his, after all. The one he was born with, the one that grew and shifted under his own patient gaze, seen in puddles, in mirrors, in the glass of a carriage window as he smoothed down his hair with the flat of his palm. A face he had stared at for far too long that first time he shaved, and again a few years later when he invited that very pretty boy out for a promenade and wanted, with all the force of a young man’s vanity, to be just as pretty himself—no hair astray, the kohl at his lower lids an almost imperceptible shadow, the perfume at his neck a whisper of carelessness, though in truth, nothing had ever been more deliberate.
For a decade now, they have called him distinguished. Before that, they called him handsome. He knows his face, likes his face. Its summoning should be no trouble at all; especially now, especially like this, stripped down to something more elemental, all ivory angles and nothing more. But Rook is uneasy. She does not say so—she is all sorry, shit, don’t mind me, fuck, fuck, I’ll get used to it, I’ll get used to it—but she is not made for the sight of bone in the dark when she wakes abruptly. He has had years to come to terms with the unmaking of his flesh. She has not.
So he does not miss his face, not really. But Rook does. And for Rook, he will pretend.
No, he tells himself again, he does not mind. He does not.
Lichdom, as he had once explained to her, sanded down most of his senses. Blunted them, rubbed them smooth. But in their place, others have surfaced. Senses without names, without proper edges, ones that slip through language like smoke through a cracked door. He cannot smell the perfume she wears, though he knows it is dreadful, some sticky, saccharine thing she bought in Treviso with Lucanis and spilled all over her shirt. But he can see her pleasure when she presses a little figurine into his palm, triumphant and insistent. This one, she affirms, is so much prettier than the first, and most importantly, not haunted.
He watches her giddiness churn inside her, thick and writhing. It is purple, inexplicably. It loops and knots, wriggling sideways, swelling through her veins, a restless thing. It coils, slippery, around her heart before pouring from her mouth when she speaks. When she presses her lips to what passes for his cheek, he thinks he can taste it. Or something like tasting. As if she had chewed it to a pulp, crushed it between her molars, worked it down to something fibrous and wet and pressed it into him, like carrion slipped between teeth, offered as a gift.
He swallows it, slow.
Perhaps this is what purple has always tasted like.
There are other things. Other feelings. They arrive misshapen, crawling over the edges of his thoughts, curious, pestering, impossible to ignore. They perplex him. They amuse him. And sometimes—sometimes—he wishes he felt nothing at all.
Like when she cuts herself, and he watches the blood spill, a slow, indifferent line along the curve of her arm. But it is not blood, not in the dull, medical sense. Not something as pedestrian as iron and salt. It is a ribbon, impossibly red, and he can see the rest of it coiled inside her, packed neatly away, waiting to be tugged. How much could he pull free before she wavers, before her lips lose their color, before the bright, stubborn thing inside her gutters out?
He heals her arm. Does not look at her when he does it. Says nothing of consequence.
But he wants to take that ribbon and wind it around her wrist, knot it, twist it, pull it so tight that it ceases to be a ribbon at all. Flesh yielding to pressure, pressure forcing permanence. A bracelet of skin. A smooth, bloodless seam. A correction.
Rook thanks him. A glance, a nod—already half-gone as she turns toward Rivain. There are things to be done there for her, and he cannot stray from the Necropolis for long. What things, exactly, she does not say, but he knows their shape well enough: dragons, impulse, the peculiar magnetism of disaster. She has always been like this, drawn to the spectacularly unwise with the certainty of a moth misjudging distance.
He can no longer follow.
She will return. He knows this. And yet, if his hands still possessed the capacity for tremor, he suspects they would betray him now.
"I love you, I love you, I love you," she sings, a careless, looping refrain, a child’s chant repurposed for a woman who has never quite learned to tread lightly. She chatters as she moves; this and that, something or other, a bad decision or three. She shows him rings, delicate and stolen, lifted from a dragon’s hoard, then tells him of a strange mug found in the same place and promptly lost to someone forgettable in a game of cards.
"Look, look," she says, because excitement makes her redundant. "I kept these for you."
The rings slide onto his fingers—bandaged, skeletal, indifferent to the distinction. He flexes them. Smiles, because each one carries an emerald, and green has always pleased him.
"I was meaning to ask you," Rook says. She is still holding his hand, turning it gently in her own, left, right, right, left, as though testing whether it is truly there. "You are smiling now."
"I am."
"Don’t interrupt me."
"My deepest apologies."
"It was a joke," she says, but absently, without weight. Then, again, softer: "You are smiling now. But is it real? Or do I see a smile only because I expect to? Because I believe it should be there?"
"It is quite real," he reassures her, lifting his free hand, brushing two fingers against her cheek. "The glamour does not fabricate emotions. It is a projection, not an invention. A polished pane of glass through which I am seen, rather than a mask obscuring what lies beneath. It filters nothing. It simply allows you to perceive what is still there, as it was."
She exhales. He watches it unfurl from her mouth, a slip of breath that curls, dissipates, wrapped in green. Relief, perhaps.
"Good," she murmurs. "That is good."
There are things he misses more than others. Some he had not expected to mourn, believing that lichdom would cauterize the want before it could take shape. And perhaps it would have, if not for Rook. But she exists, unavoidably, and so the loss takes shape, outlines itself, defines itself against the hollow places she touches.
The intimacy of the body: its mechanics, its heat, its crude and glorious simplicity. He misses the way skin clings, damp and sticky, the tack of sweat drying between them. The way lips grow chapped from too much kissing, saliva sapped away until the skin cracks, until the next kiss stings. He misses the raw and graceless rhythm of it, the press of her thighs around him, the slow loss of self in the churn of it all. He misses the way he could press his palm to her stomach, still sheathed within her, and feel himself there, caged by her.
And afterward, in the languid sprawl of spent nerves and loose limbs, the way his mind would wander, taking him by the hand, showing him its little fantasies, its secreted-away indulgences—let us get married, Rook, I will buy you so much gold, let’s get married, yes, and then let’s have a child, but not immediately, not at once, let’s linger here a while, let’s lose ourselves in this, let’s glut ourselves on one another until we are utterly ruined by it, and then, yes, then, we will have that little thing.
Now, he feels her differently. Not through skin but through something more fundamental, a closeness that eclipses anything flesh ever allowed. It is fuller, sharper, deeper than anything he could have imagined.
But it is not the same.
And he does not yet know if he prefers it.
Time, as always, will decide.
Pleasure has not abandoned him. It has only changed its nature, its source, its means of arrival. Now, it exists solely through her. He sees, now, how men dissolve into drink, into smoke, into whatever tincture delivers them to sensation. The body remembers its peaks; the body conspires to reach them again.
"Will you come for me, darling girl?" he murmurs against her ear, his fingers curling inside her as they have done so many times before—when his hands were warm, when they ceased to be.
And she does what she always does: she writhes, she gasps, she laughs, she moves against him with the helpless, thoughtless grace of something yielding to gravity. Her hips chase the friction, her mouth parts, her breath hitches, her lashes lower, heavy with pleasure. And he—he is there inside her, feeling it as she feels it, tasting it in a way that has nothing to do with taste, swallowing it down, letting it course through him. It is vast. It is staggering. Pleasure enough for two, for more than two, enough to fill the space where he no longer exists.
Afterward, she is breathless, boneless, staring up at the ceiling and laughing that strange, impossible laugh. He no longer tries to make sense of it. Some things cannot be translated. She has a laugh for anger, a laugh for excitement, a laugh for surprise. He thinks he knows this one well enough by now, the one that trickles out of her in the aftermath.
A trick, an echo, the imitation of a thing once real. He kisses her where he would have kissed her once—her mouth, the sharp ridge of her collarbone, the small curve of her breast, except now there is no heat, no wet drag of a tongue, no parted lips. Only the careful architecture of a spell, a memory sculpted into sensation, something just close enough to pass for real. He trails lower, following the old pathways, the ones his hands remember even if they are no longer the same.
She sighs. Again. Again. Another time.
He lingers where she yields the most, where she is all pulse and warmth, where her thighs, slick and trembling, part for him before he even touches her. Where breath quickens and thought slips away. And through it, he drinks. Draws from her as he always does, as he must, in ways he does not fully understand, or perhaps does, but has decided against understanding. He takes until she is weightless, drifting, until her voice emerges in that low, drowsy enough, enough, until she exhales, unconscious of herself, shifting, turning into him, her cheek settling against his shoulder, her body already gone to sleep.
And he wonders—if he did not stop, could he empty her?
What is it that they share, exactly? What does she give? What does he take? Is it taking at all? Perhaps she is feeding from him just as he feeds from her.
He could ask. He could go looking for the answer. It is what he has done his entire life.
But he does not. Because the answer, whatever it may be, does not matter. Because, at his core, he knows this much to be true:
He is an empty thing now.
And all empty things must be filled.
It is a dreadful experience, watching her get hurt. Dreadful in its predictability, in the casual inevitability of it. Rook, as he has come to understand, is the sort of person who leaps from a cliff first and wonders, mid-air, whether there was perhaps a gentler way down.
He saw it in Hossberg—how she, in some fit of blind fury over a slight he can no longer remember, kicked a blight boil with all the grace of a petulant child, only for the thing to rupture, spraying its filth over her boots, her legs, her hands, her face. Later, when he spat out his anger—you could have infected yourself, and then what? Where would the Veilguard be without their leader?—she had, without hesitation, lifted her middle finger and held it aloft, like a banner, like a flag planted firmly into the dirt, a gesture so profoundly Rook that it settled the argument before it could begin.
She returns from Rivain with a sprained wrist and, predictably, does not acknowledge it until he gestures toward it, a quiet inquiry rather than an accusation.
So he buys her things. Things with weight, with shimmer, with the ability to distract. A bottle of wine she favors, a dress the precise shade of blue that once made her pause in front of a shop window, jewelry that catches light and throws it back in a thousand fractured directions. Loud things, bright things, expensive things. The kind of things a magpie would die over. Because Rook—misnamed, mislabeled—is no rook at all, no solemn, shrewd thing perching in the rafters. She is a magpie, ever in pursuit of the next gleaming fragment, the brightest piece of a broken world. That is why she is away, isn’t it? Always away. Always chasing.
But Nevarra has more gold than the Rivaini coast.
He wants to say—won’t you stay? Won’t you, at last, stay longer? But there is something perilous in the asking. The wrong phrasing, the wrong weight to his voice, and she will fold up like a map, unreadable, distant, already turning toward the door.
She lifts a necklace, lets it spill through her fingers, a thin chain pooling in her palm. "Ooooh," she hums. "What’s the occasion?"
"I have missed you terribly," he says. "You were away too long."
"I missed you too."
"Then stay. My townhouse is yours, of course. It is in the heart of the city—"
"But you won’t be there," she interrupts, without sharpness, without accusation. A simple statement of fact. "You’ll be in the Necropolis."
"Then stay with me in the Necropolis," he says, more softly.
She looks at him. Long enough for him to grow aware of the silence. Long enough for him to think he ought to say something more, to fill the space with some innocuous remark, something to break the weight of it—a comment on the weather, the slow drip of rain against the windowpanes, the scent of damp stone, the candlelight shifting across her cheek, the peeling corner of the wallpaper he has been meaning to mend but never does.
Then, at last, in a whisper, as if she is considering each word before releasing it:
"I'm trying."
A breath.
"I'm really, really trying. I love you so much. This frightens me, but I love you, and I'll stay longer, I promise, and you needn’t hide your face, no, no, you can stop hiding it now, but it is so terribly cold here, and I can smell the bones, Emmrich, did you know one can smell bones?"
Senseless, rambling little words, leaving her mouth with no regard for order, no real expectation of being understood. He listens anyway. He nods as if these words, specifically, are the ones he has been waiting to hear. He holds her hands, pressing his fingers lightly over hers, as though reacquainting himself with the shape of them, the bones beneath the skin. And this time—this time—she stays.
He does not move. Does not speak. Instead, he lets the moment settle around him, lets it press in from all sides, cautious and weightless, as if sudden motion might send it scattering. A trick of the mind, surely, nothing more than habit, the vestigial longing of a body that no longer exists. And yet—something, something faint and absurd and wholly impossible—something like warmth uncoils in the vacant spaces of him, and for the first time in too long, he allows himself to believe in the illusion.
And he is happy, so terribly, foolishly happy, until she steps where a step should have been, onto stone that no longer exists, because the Necropolis, fickle and treacherous as ever, decides to shift beneath her. One moment she is there, cursing the cold, flicking dust from her sleeve, and the next she is gone, swallowed into the dark, falling before he can reach for her. Then—impact, the sound of something snapping, something that should not snap.
"Oh, for fuck’s sake," she spits, voice sharp with pain, her frustration seething through clenched teeth. "I hate this fucking place. This miserable, shifting, plague-ridden, necrophiliac fucking mausoleum. This—" she swallows, gasps, rage momentarily overtaken by the white-hot shock of agony, then forces the words out, savage and breathless—"this godsdamned, dusty, corpse-stinking labyrinth of a tomb. Fuck this place. Fuck you for living in it. Fuck this floor for moving. Fuck my fucking leg."
She hisses even as she cries, squeezing her eyes shut as if trying to will the hurt out of her body. He sees, at last, what has happened. A break, and not a clean one: bone slick and white against torn skin, jutting through muscle, her blood already thickening where it pools on the stone.
And then—something strange. A pull, an unraveling, something unwinding before him, leading away. The ribbon again, unspooling, slipping from her, stretching outward, as though guiding him somewhere he does not wish to go. His vision narrows. He follows it. He follows it because he cannot help but follow it.
"Emmrich?" Her voice has changed. The heat is gone, as is the anger. She sounds uncertain now. She sounds concerned. "Emmrich, are you—?"
But he is looking at the ribbon. Watching where it leads. Watching where it ends.
And he would weep if he could.
He has spent his life in a state of want, always reaching, always grasping, always aching to be something necessary to someone. And now—now, at last—he has what he has longed for. Rook, quick and wild and untouchable. Rook, who was born lovely and careless and beautiful, who could have wrapped herself around anyone she pleased but chose, instead, him—old and grey, and then, simply, bone. Rook, with her hands always outstretched, her eyes always searching, who once told him, so offhandedly he almost believed she didn’t mean it, that she would have given him a child.
Now—now, she sits before him, cursing under her breath, her leg twisted, her blood sliding across the stone, and he understands, too suddenly, too clearly, that he cannot keep her.
One day, that ribbon will slip from her entirely.
And he will be wanting again, except this time, there will be no remedy, no second chance, no indulgence to dull the ache.
Because she—she—the only thing that has ever fit the hollow inside him, will be gone.
A year. Ten. Twenty. Perhaps less. Perhaps more.
She will be gone.
Gone, gone, gone.
"It will not break again," he tells her.
"Really?" she asks, pale from hurt.
"Truly."
He stands, glances over the chamber, and selects a sconce, its veilfire guttering weakly within its iron frame. He snuffs it out with a flick of his wrist, wrenches the metal free from the wall, and lets it sag into liquid in his palm. The Necropolis will not miss it. It devours offerings every day; what is one more? The molten iron shifts, pulses, rolls like living mercury as he shapes it between his fingers. She watches, suspicious, wary, but when he takes the pain from her, she sighs, slackens, her body a thing that yields, a thing that trusts.
Bone is simple. A structure, a framework. Break it, mend it, break it again. He has done this before, he will do it again, and the body always obeys in the end. With a slow push, he sets her leg back into place. Crack, crack, crack—shattered edges realign, splinters withdraw, raw ends fuse like wax pressed to wax. He sees the place where the bone has chewed its way free, white and wet against the torn meat of her calf.
He presses his fingers into the wound, past the sealing skin. The iron above them stirs at his will, stretching like a cat in the air before obeying, flowing down, clinging to the surface of the bone. Not inside it, no. That would be crude, inelegant. Instead, it forms a layer, thin but solid, a second skeleton over the first. It cools as it settles, solidifies, binds itself to her as if it had always belonged there. He guides it lower, shaping it over her tibia, letting it follow the curve of her ankle, turning his wrist slightly to direct it sideways, until the fibula is covered as well, safe beneath its new armor. There.
The final shreds of her wound pull themselves shut, sealing over his work, concealing what has been done.
She shifts her foot, tilting her head, considering. "Oh," she says. "I suppose I'll be heavier now."
He kisses her cheek and feels the faint shift of muscle beneath his lips, the small, secret curve of her smile. This time, for once, her happiness has no color. Not gold, not red, not that strange, shimmering violet he sometimes sees curling from her ribs. Just happiness, unembellished, undisturbed. And because she feels it, he believes it, and because he believes it, he takes it for himself, drawing her close.
"I am so, so happy that you are safe," he hears himself say, a confession with no real shape, a drunken speech without the mercy of intoxication. "I worry when you are gone, and I worry when you are here. It seems that no matter what I do, something always finds you first."
She hums, arms looping around him, her fingers idly mapping the planes of his back, tracing aimless patterns into the fabric of his robes. "I don’t know what to say to that," she admits, her voice softened by exhaustion, by the slow retreat of pain. "But I am so, so happy with you too. And it’s all right, it’s all right. Every time I break, you can repair me." She pauses, then adds, utterly deadpan, "Guess that makes you my skele-tonic."
It is an objectively terrible pun.
"Until you stop breaking altogether," he murmurs.
Another hum, vague, thoughtless.
He draws from her as he always does: pleasure, warmth, something deeper, something without a name, though it must have one, must have been cataloged somewhere, written down by some scholar who spent his life studying things that could not be grasped. He has never fully understood what it is he takes, only that it belongs to her, and that, by some quiet, unspoken permission, it is his as well. He wants to love her forever. But more than that, he wants to ensure that forever remains within reach, that it does not remain, as so many things have, just outside his grasp, dissolving the moment he closes his fist.
He has spent too long watching what he yearned for unravel before he could fasten it down. This, he will not allow. It will take gold, it will take iron, it will take something far stronger, something absolute. Until she ceases to break. Until breaking is no longer a possibility, a concept, a word that has anything to do with her.
He does not yet know how. But he has time—too much of it. More than she does. And he has always been a man of precision, of hypothesis and proof, of elegant solutions to insufferable problems. He will find a way. Through metal or magic, through that ribbon of red that keeps slipping from her, unspooling itself in slow increments, always trying to get away. He will take it, force it back into place, stitch it to the marrow, fix it with something incorruptible, something permanent, something that cannot be unwound without unmaking her in the process.
He presses a kiss to her temple, then to her forehead, and speaks of flowers. The new blooms in the Memorial Gardens. Hideous, by all accounts. She will adore them. She appreciates beauty, certainly, but she loves foolishness even more. He kisses her cheek, the tip of her nose, her small, stubborn chin, and feels it again—that bright, quiet thing. Happiness.
And, miraculously, when he takes a piece for himself, it does not feel stolen.
"Enough, enough," she murmurs at last, the same word twice, as she always does when she needs a break from him, when she has given too much, when she feels him pulling, drinking, taking in excess without meaning to. Laughter ghosts beneath the words, thin but present, a reminder that she is still here, still whole. She taps his wrist with two fingers, light, quick, final—a gesture that, for all its carelessness, feels uncannily like closing a book.
#i can't sleep so i quickly edited this thing i wrote a while back so it's not as raw and am now throwing it out into the depths of tumblr#we don't condone lichdom in this house#there is no way emmrich would remain a sane human being as a lich if he romanced rook#frankly they should have given us the option to break up with him if he decided to go full lich#he is only gonna transfer his fear of death onto rook#and it will not be healthy#it will be weird and uncomfortable and maybe downright creepy#aight im gonna try to sleep now#emmrich volkarin#emmrich x rook#emmrook#rook x emmrich#lich emmrich#dragon age the veilguard#datv#shortstories#my stupid writing#< those last two are just my personal tags for finding my own shit if i need it btw lol ignore them
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