#hopefully the find to CSA isn't that big..

[jessethegoat]

MY OLD MAN IS FINALLY FREE!!!

finally it all settled down and clear. Can't wait to see him on the sideline tomorrow! 🫡

[sae-something]

Quite a long post about my sister and all that's been happening

So a couple days ago was my sister's birthday and I sent her a carefully decided upon happy bday text. The details don't really translated but it was basically "Hey [name], I don't know what your continued silence means, but did want to wish you a happy birthday - I'm thinking of you", with a sunflower emoji at the end.

I was near sick with anxiety/fear/tension after sending it. The next day she sent a reply that no one (of all the people I've been talking to about the situation) was really expecting anymore. She said, "Hey [my name], thanks for your text. I think I get blocked on the complexity, but this isn't really getting anywhere. Would you be up for taking a little walk and talking some time?".

So yeah. I freaked. Adult grounded here-and-now me appreciates the way she phrased it, and how she (finally) acknowledges her complete shutting down for the last nearly 1,5 years. I wanted to try and write about all the feelings and reactions and triggers that have been coming up for me but I got stuck so I'm skipping that bit. Today, with the help of a friend, I came up with a reply. I replied this:

"Hey, that is good to hear, I honestly hadn't expected it anymore. A walk and talking sometime sounds alright, let's do that. Next weekend I'll be gone, but I could do monday afternoon. The weekend after is mostly empty still. What would suit you?

It is important to me that we can talk without everything ending up with mom and that, would that be possible for you?"

I'm really scared about that last question. But it feels extremely important to me - make or break important. She might be offended or upset because I asked, but honestly I need to ask this to be able to even trust her the littlest bit. And if she can't do this or doesn't want to commit to it, then that's an answer to me as well.

And that's what I keep telling myself about meeting up with her as well. Even if it goes disastrously bad, the worst that can happen is that I'll be deeply hurt (again) and that we'll not work on a relationship. At least I'll have some sense of clarity then. I also keep reminding me that if the conversation goes sour, I can literally just leave. I don't expect that'll be needed, but it helps soothe some terror from other parts.

I've also been working on a list of things that I will absolutely NOT talk to her about this time. No mention of the csa memories. No discussing any memories or situations from the past at all, actually, because that feels too much like I have to defend myself and she gets to decide if my choice for cutting contact was "allowed".

And then I also made a list of things that I could tell her or say to her. Little ways of explaining things. Sentences to keep in mind, ways to set boundaries. It helps writing it down, I hope it'll seep through to other parts as well so no one will go & blabber about way too vulnerable topics.

I wish I had plenty of time to work through all this with A, but after tomorrow she has 2 weeks off. Which sucks considering we've been in a 3-week rupture-kind-of-thing now. I also don't want to postpone meeting with my sister forever though - it's just making me anxious and to me, this doesn't have to be a big thing. I don't want to make it bigger than it is. I want to rip off the bandaid already.

So yeah. I'm really scared about seeing A tomorrow. I really, truly, desperately need session to go alright. I need to wrap up decently before her break. I need to be able to find her, even if just a tiny bit. I hate this terrible fog I've been stuck in. I hate it.

Fingers crossed for a decent session with A. Fingers crossed for a decent reply from my sister (and hopefully she won't take ages to reply).

[indigochromatic]

We're a quoigenic OSDD system with no known childhood trauma. We saw discussions regarding "DID is a trauma disorder" and wanted to share as an example of a system with a CDD without trauma. We don't have what it takes to face the heat that comes with openly sharing this through our blog. Hopefully it's okay to share here anonymously.

Our main issue with "DID is a trauma disorder" is how it's used in syscourse and in CDD communities. As a quoigenic OSDD system with no known childhood trauma it's used to silence and exclude us. It's used to justify that us sharing our experiences is dangerous. It also pushes CDD systems to dig for traumas regardless if they're in a safe place to do so in order to fend off denial or access support or not be harassed. Anytime we hear it for us it's sad and a little depressing and a reminder of how our experiences are perceived.

We don't have childhood trauma as far as we could find. Unless we count any negative experience as trauma in which case we have to conclude every living being is traumatized which would make the trauma disorder category pointless. Our symptoms are mild as far as OSDD goes. We like to believe we have a brain that's innately more likely to dissociate which lead to our system forming without trauma. Our mother is a survivor of CSA so maybe there's some epigenetic factor at play. Or maybe some experiences were trauma and we're not recognizing them as such or maybe we haven't uncovered the trauma yet. We ultimately can't prove or know why our system is a system so we're quoigenic.

We know people conflate endogenic plurality with DID because they see "system" and think "DID" so they think "endogenic system" must mean "endogenic DID" and they get mad at that. We know the vast majority of endogenic systems don't have or claim to have a CDD. But systems like us we end up as a sort of boogeyman where we're used to prove endogenic systems are terrible by some and we're discarded by others as a hypothetical only brought up in bad faith. It sucks to have to think "if we fight for our experiences to be heard would that undermine the acceptance of other systems who deserve to be seen and believed and respected?". Sometimes we wonder if it's right to use the diagnosis we've been assigned since we're apparently not a good representative of it. Maybe our symptoms aren't bad enough to justify a diagnostic label. This isn't to guilt trip you or anybody just stating where our thoughts go when we keep seeing "DID is a trauma disorder" or "you need trauma to have DID". (They don't have to say OSDD because we understand most people say DID in that context to mean any CDD.) We also dislike how it seems like CDD systems can't be trusted about not having trauma, but those without a CDD can be trusted about that same thing. It feels unfair and like we don't get the same right to self-identify our own childhood experiences in a way that others get to do.

Then again we don't want to trigger denial in other CDD systems regarding their traumas and we don't want to derail conversations about acceptance of endogenic systems so this puts us in a difficult position. Most of the time it feels safer for everyone for us to remain silent. Might be for the best most of the time because it means we avoid the toxicity of syscourse. But also it's a bit sad. Not sure how to end this. Thanks for reading? Have a nice day? Have a nice day. That'll do.

Hey there! Thanks for taking the time to write this, (and we hope you have a nice day too, cheers). Actually we agree with basically everything you said, in a way that's making me think we maybe weren't quite as clear/thorough with our context in some of our previous posts about this.

Couple of big-picture bullet points about our personal current model for understanding how all this stuff works: 1. "DID is a trauma disorder" does not mean that we think only traumagenic systems can have CDDs, or even that we think that all CDDs must arise from the textbook-style 'severe chronic trauma during early childhood'. For context, not only do we know several endogenic systems with CDDs, we're also in basically the same situation as you, anon. We have a CDD dx on paper (DID for us), but also definitely don't have what the DSM would consider severe chronic trauma during early childhood--I think our ACEs score is like, zero, actually, and we remember a lot from back then, so we have reason to think it's less likely we're just having amnesia about it. We also don't think our system originated from childhood trauma, either (exactly what we do think about our origins is A Long Story, but suffice to say, 'quoigenic' wouldn't be too far off for us). 2. What we are trying to get at with "DID is a trauma disorder" is that, as far as we're aware, even for cases where the symptoms are pretty mild (like ours, and also like yours, it sounds like), the core part of recovering from the disordered aspects of the situation--the stuff that's bringing us to therapy in the first place--repeatedly tends to come down to stuff like...working through old emotional pain, handling in-system conflicts in a healthy way, uncovering and trying to take apart negative self-schemas (e.g. stuff like perfectionism, attachment anxieties, internalized negative messages about parts of your identity, etc), unlearning no-longer-helping-you coping mechanisms, etc. All of which is, essentially, trauma work. Doesn't matter if you're not doing EMDR, doesn't matter if you don't have any clear and obvious Big Trauma Events to point to--if it's about healing from things that hurt, it's still (in our understanding of it) trauma-related therapy.

Does this describe most therapy in general, for singlets as well? Yeah, absolutely. Trauma doesn't need to be rare. If you're not just using the very limited DSM definition of trauma, events that could be traumatic are incredibly common--especially subtle, cumulative things, where any individual event might not have been that bad, but together over time add up. And whether or not those things have lasting negative impacts is about a lot of complicated factors: not just "did you have support, in theory", but also "were you able to accept it at the time, were you able to access it, was it conditional, what did it cost you", etc.

Like, deep down, really what we personally care about isn't "What's the exact specific True Origin of Your Situation", it's "Okay, what now? What helps?" And that's what we're trying to get at when we talk about CDDs as trauma disorders. They're disorders of dissociation, presentation-wise, but/and, as far as we're currently aware (and this could change if we learn more, of course), the most effective way to treat CDDs isn't centered around "well, just Dissociate Less", and instead about assuming there is a reason behind why your brain is routinely checking out from reality in various ways, and figuring out how to address whatever problem your brain is currently using dissociation to solve. As a sidenote/disclaimer, yeah, of course, the experience of (and therapy for) folks with very intense posttraumatic symptoms is going to be quite different than for folks with milder symptoms. But, a lot of the core concepts are shared, the same way that both rehab PT and competitive strength training both share a lot of core principles about building body awareness and doing physically challenging things within a window of tolerance and growth.

Okay. whew.

With all that aside, I also think that you're bringing up a lot of really important points about how systems with CDDs but "atypical" presentations often get kind of pushed to the margin, especially in the morass of online syscourse validity wars. We've felt that ourselves, and we're really sorry you're also having to deal with it. None of this is made any easier by the huge variety in personal working definitions for various very relevant words (like "trauma", "system", etc), too, lol. And also, I don't want to give the impression that we think we've Solved It All or anything--our current framework of thinking about all this comes from our personal accumulation of information and experiences over these past 3-4 years, and I'm sure it'll keep changing over the next [insert rest of life here].

I'd honestly be super curious to know what issues you feel like are at the core of what your system is struggling with, and what you feel like personally has helped you the most with them--does it really feel like your main issue is just Too Much Dissociation on its own, and that there isn't really any kind of relevant emotional work that helps? (For example, we've personally got some amount of dissociation that's probably from the whole long COVID situation, separate (well. "separate") from psychological factors, but there's definitely also some emotional stuff involved for us as well.)

[gougarfem]

just saw the post you made about being a CSA survivor and your therapist telling you that you sound transgender.

I am so angry on your behalf! Is it possible to report this? I know how hard that must have been to bring to the discussion and how vulnerable it would have made you feel to have a professional responsible for your care react so callously. It's reprehensible!

It took a lot of courage to face that trauma and I'm so sorry that your therapist didn't recognize that and give you the support you need and deserve.

I have some things I haven't yet been able to discuss with my therapist - who has been genuinely wonderful - even though I have been having sessions with her for years.

You have every right to be furious! I'm wishing you the very best and sending you a big hug 🫂 we can't let the bastard's grind us down!

thank you for such a lovely message, and sorry i let it sit in my inbox for so long. i spoke to my therapist and although it's evident she doesn't really understand, she hasn't suggested transition or transgender identity at all since that session. i don't feel the need to report her, for two reasons; the first being that she's a really great therapist, and the second is that she is, on paper and in her opinion, being inclusive and doing the right thing. sadly with gender identity policies how they are, there isn't even anything to report here.

it's really difficult to find a good therapist especially when you fall into multiple marginalized categories (in my case; romani, dysphoric, 2nd gen immigrant and physically disabled). i usually find that i have to settle for a therapist who understands one or two things and is willing to work with the issues actively impacting my life regardless of how well she can empathize with my deeper experiences as a marginalized woman moving through society. hopefully it won't always be like this - maybe with a more diverse group of younger people training to become therapists, the clinical landscape will change in the future.

i have several messages like this sitting in my inbox and i just wanted to add that i really appreciate the outpouring of support for what i went through. i've never discussed my csa publicly and i'm glad it was with such a rad (pun intended) group of women <3

[aftgficrec]

Motherly Abby fics? Or her taking the sort of role of being Neil's mom and showing him more motherly affection? :)

Here’s what we’ve found with maternal Abby. - A

Also see:

‘Andrew and Neil's first playdate’ here

‘When It All Feels So Big’ (also below), ‘free and young (and we feel none of it),’ and ‘it was me who was discovered’ here

‘Ready to Run’ here

‘from seed to bloom’ here

‘ten children, one acquarium’ and ‘Wymack and his kids’ here

‘the glow in our mouths’ and ‘i will bring you rings of gold (i'll keep your laugh inside me)’ here

‘Made of Stone’ here (updated)

‘I hate every inch of you.’ here

‘Redemption’ here (updated)

‘Baby Foxes Still Bite’ here

‘The Foxes and the Fae’ here

This Is It. Forever. series by Fox_Fan13 [Not Rated (we say T/M), Collection, Updated Oct 2021]

part 1: Something Crazy About It (T, 48538 Words, Complete)

previously recced here

An AU where Neil gets kidnapped at 14, his mom and dad both die then and he leaves his whole life behind to move to a small town called Palmetto with a family that consists of a new loving mother who will do anything in her power to keep him safe, a new father who acts tough but will always be there for him, and a new brother who befriends him immediately and shows him his new life will be amazing and finds love in a short blond who carries knives.

tw: murder, tw: canonical character death, tw: blood/gore, tw: torture, tw: gun violence, tw: underage drinking, tw: nightmares, tw: implied/referenced self harm

part 2: Unforgettable Moments (T, 11936 Words, Complete)

These are the moment's that are important to Neil. These are the moments Neil never wants to forget.

tw: underage drinking, tw: violence

part 3: Forever Isn't Long Enough (M, 85858 Words, Complete)

part three of this series where we'll go through Neil's and Andrew's journey through their future.

tw: alcohol, tw: blood, tw: car accident, tw: non-consensual drug use, tw: kidnapping, tw: gun violence, tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: canonical character death

call me in the afternoon by jaylocked [Rated T, 7962 words, complete, 2016]

Neil had literally been tortured on several occasions, and that was still better than this.

(written for the prompt: "andrew and neil meet in a group therapy")

tw: implied/referenced abuse

When It All Feels So Big by notsomagicath [Rated T, 3851 words Complete 2020]

“Remember,” Bee reminds them as they approach their neighbor’s house, “Abby and David adopted Neil only a month ago, so this is his first time meeting some new friends. He’s only a year younger than you. Be nice, okay? And don’t push too much if he’s shy. If you don’t know if he’ll be okay with a hug or something like that, just ask him yes or no first.”

It’s Not Family Without Love by AgapantoBlu [Rated T, 133311 Words, Incomplete, Updated Sept 2021]

Snippets of an AU in which Nicky takes the twins in when they are five and he's twenty and he tries his hardest.

The kids will be alright, hopefully.

tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: attempted csa, tw: references to conversion therapy, tw: homophobia, tw: alcohol, tw: blood, tw: violence, tw: implied/referenced suicide attempt, tw: implied/referenced overdose, tw: vomit, tw: non-consensual drug use

Sharpen Those Claws by SensationalSunburst [Not Rated, 1520 words, complete, 2018]

“I'm thinking about taking some defense classes.” Abby said, twirling her bright orange chopsticks around the noodles of her Pad Thai. Across the coffee table, David glanced away from the Exy game playing softly on the TV.

“Yeah?” He said.

“Yeah.” She echoed. David nodded and slurped his noodles.

“Let's get you some gloves then.”

tw: mild violence

Abby & Wymack as Grandparents

My Brother's Keeper by LufwoodEmilius [Rated T, 33443 Words, Complete, AFTG Big Bang 2020]

Willow and Mackenzie are twins. And not just any twins, they are the children of Andrew Minyard and Neil Josten. Suddenly, the family's world is turned upside down when Mackenzie gets sick and Willow is the only one who can help him. Will she make the right decision?

NB: find fic art by @mykaeba here

tw: vomit, tw: child cancer, tw: needles, tw: blood, tw: medical procedures

AFTG/TFC minifics, headcanons from @/neilsexy on tumblr by mugglecastiel [Not Rated, Collection, Updated 2016]

Chapter 28 - abby and neil

-we know abby is like the Team Mom™ so imagine neil being really wary when he starts to think about abby that way

neil and parental figures (maternal abby) meta by @exy-softie [Tumblr, 2021]

Mama Bear Abby meta by @thisisnotourlasthunt [Tumblr, 2021]

The scene where Kevin’s first reaction after the Kathy Ferdinand interview was to hug Abby hc by @genyasafinsmissingeye [Tumblr, 2021]

touch starved Kevin hcs by @rachthechaosbi [Tumblr, 2021]

hello what a lovely day to scream about what a mother figure abby is to kevin hc by @miniyrds [Tumblr, 2021]

Art

I wish I could protect you, but I'm always too late. art by @fabulousmisfits

wymack being a total fox dad and abby being a total fox mom by @kevinqueenofexy

“My father comes to all of my games. That is enough.” art by @rainbowd00dles

David & Abby from @redrabbitspod, art by @bloodydamnit

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw mention of sex/sexual topics?, sexuality confusion, mostly venty lol

okay so for a very long time I've considered myself aroace and I still think that to be true, like I've never felt attracted to someone before (I actually forget romance and sexuality exist at all most of the time) BUT I've been curious for a few months about what it would be like to have sex.

Now the thing is is that first, I am trans (trans masc nonbinary), second I live in a conservative area, third I'm living stealth rn for safety, and fourth I have previous trauma from CSA and low/no contact CSA exploitation that makes me feel SUPER SUPER uncomfortable about being naked around people and uncomfortable around other people who are naked. Also I have big trust issues.

So if I wanted to have sex, I'd have to find someone that isn't queerphobic, find someone that is willing to be partnered with me, find someone that I can trust enough to be with, and somehow get over my own disgust of naked human bodies (which is a ME thing. Nothing to do with other people, it's just a weird me thing -_-).

I mean like it's a small thing I think about every once-in-a-while but it's not a huge deal? but I'm curious ya know, like a lot of people around my age (19-22) act really sex-focused and idk how to relate to that at all. Like ??? Also I worry about stds and all that stuff.

Like idk do people go to a bar and ask someone? if I went out and got drunk would that work? like that's super irresponsible and idk if I'd be able to do that but I'm curious. What's the big deal? Plus additionally if I were to sexually partner with someone I think I'd prefer them to be amab but idk?? I don't find anyone attractive but if someone had a penis the whole sexual interaction would be more obvious to me <- odd reason, hopefully I didn't word it too weirdly?

Which I guess might make me gay??? Then I'd be gay aro ace and trans nonbinary and that just feels like too much you know? I'm too paranoid to try anything but I'm also pretty curious. Also there's the fact that I get mistaken for a lot younger than I am and that uhhh might draw some weird people? idk if I'd be considered attractive but I've had multiple people confess to have had a crush on me in the past.

why is this stuff so complicateddd

Hi anon,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing and I’d like to start by saying how sorry I am for your trauma history as well as trying to navigate some complexities between gender identity and sexuality in a cultural climate that doesn’t often allow room for exploration of either, much less both.  

I think it can unfortunately be easy to generalize how people might react, and/or behave, and forget the individuality to be found anywhere and everywhere - it’s understandable and valid to worry “am I the only one who feels this way?” - but it’s a lie.  There are so many people out there who are looking for the things you’re looking for, too.  

To me, and I apologize if I have managed to misread this, but unpacking some of the things you’ve shared, it sounds like there might be conflating sexual orientation with sexual activity.  They are two distinct things and though of course can overlap, don’t cancel each other out.  An aspec person is still aspec regardless of sexual activity.  Though at the end of the day, only you get to decide what - if any - your labels are, and the boundaries around what and much you share with any intimate partners in the future.  If you consider yourself aspec today, then explore your sexual orientation further and realize another label actually speaks more to you, then all that happened was you’ve discovered more of who you are: and that’s a beautiful thing.  

As for how you might go about exploring that sexual activity, I think the first step to consider is: “what are your boundaries?”  I had the opportunity to answer a similar question about pursuing experiences/relationships, which might be a helpful addition - though it sounds to me like you know what you’re looking for, it’s more about how to explore that in a way that feels comfortable for you?

Is there a possibility - if you are seeking to explore intimacy for the first time, but with a bit of distance and the ability to decline, and leave when you feel you need to - a virtual connection?  Something where you could engage in non-penetrative sexual intimacies within a comfortable environment?  There are several online communities that might feel safer to explore as you navigate your own boundaries, and could connect via a camera?  That way if you realize it’s not for you, you have the power to turn it off and curate your online experiences moving forward? Of course, if that doesn’t sound appealing please don’t think you even have to consider that, I just wanted to offer a potential since it sounded like there was some concerns when it came to in person contact. Regardless of what you decide for yourself, I hope you have the opportunities and safe environments to explore the things you want on your own terms. - Mod Kat

[bthump]

now listen. i LOVE berserk and when i watched the 90s anime i binged the whole thing in two days because ive got no self control. but i feel like the eclipse has taken a harsh toll on me and i coudlnt handle it. ive tried to read further on from the manga and i dont think i can bear with how violent it seems to get from there on out- but i find myself obsessing over griffiths character and i feel like i have to know what happens next. how do i cope with this pain ???

oof that’s a tough one.

Honestly if it’s the violence in general, yk sword swinging and blood and guts and whatnot then I think you’re kind of out of luck unfortunately. There’s the 2016/17 anime which covers some of the post-eclipse stuff, which might be easier to watch in terms of violence because... it sucks lmao, the animation is awful so the violence might be harder to take seriously. but hey afaik it does tell a chunk of the rest of the story, so maybe it’s an option.

But otherwise it’s just impossible to skip the violence because it’s so constant in the story, and many important things happen during violent scenes.

On the other hand, if it’s specifically the sexual violence that’s hard for you to take, I might actually be able to help: I already have a big list of content warnings with manga page numbers written up that I made for someone else.

I’ll copypaste it here under a cut on the offchance that it helps. And if there’s anything specific other than sexual violence you want warned for, like suicide or self-harm or non-sexual parental abuse, just send me another ask and I’ll try my best. But yeah, gore in general is just too prevalent.

Also I wrote this for someone unfamiliar with the whole story so you can probably skip the golden age stuff if you’re not reading it.

Just so you know going in, this mainly just focuses on visual depictions of sexual assault. I don't think I could write a guide that covers every rape threat or mention or insinuation, in part because I'd have to re-read the story front to back, and also because like, significant plot points revolve around threats and discussions of rape so it's not really possible to skip a lot of it.

Chapter and page numbers are taken from the scans on mangasee and probably won't match the physical volumes. (They changed some of the formatting on the site recently, hopefully that doesn’t affect the page numbers but apologies if it does)

Black Swordsman arc:

nothing that i can remember. the story opens with Guts fucking a monster before killing her but the sex is consensual lol.

Golden Age arc:

Guts is raped as a child by Donovan, who tells Guts that Gambino sold him to him. ch 9, pg 44 - ch 10, pg 15

Guts has a nightmare about it ch 13, pg 2 - 9 If you skip this, it's worth knowing that guilt for killing Gambino features heavily in this nightmare, and that as he wakes up the monstrous representation of Donovan shifts into Casca who is lying on top of him. Guts is close to panicking as he wakes up before realizing that Casca is a woman. She's gone when he fully wakes up on page 10.

brace yourself for rape threats towards casca in ch 15

A nobleman attempts to rape Casca in a flashback to her childhood, Griffith interrupts the attempt by slicing off his ear ch 16, pg 13 - 14 If you skip this it's worth noting that Casca's reaction is helpless acceptance and believing it's natural.

ch 17 as a whole is p heavy with discussions of pedophilia and graphic self harm, but the csa isn't graphic and it's not really skippable anyway, just something worth bracing for.

more rape threats towards casca in ch 18

Casca's pursuers catch her and attempt to rape her ch 20, pg 18 - 21 Casca fights off her attacker on pg 21

brace yourself for Gennon's return at the end of chapter 23

rapey implications at the beginning of chapter 24 w/ Gennon thinking about Griffith

more rape threats in chapter 26+27 as Casca fights Adon

end of chapter 37 - halfway through ch 38 This whole sex scene with Charlotte is really fucked up, it's treated like consensual sex by the narrative but Charlotte says "no" early on before getting into it. I wouldn't skip it, there's some important emotional stuff here that's hard for me to convey, but I'd be aware going in that Miura is leaning heavily on v misogynist tropes in this scene.

discussion of incest ch 39, pg 7

incestuous rape attempt ch 39, pg 15 - 19 and ch 40, pg 2 - 7 (I wouldn't recommend skipping the 2 pages in between which return to Griffith in the torture chamber) And if you do skip this the things worth knowing are that Charlotte fights off the king and screams for Griffith to help her, upon which the king abandons the attempt and flees.

ch 46, pg 15 - ch 47, pg 5 Guts has a graphic flashback to his rape during sex with Casca and strangles her.

might want to brace yourself for the torturer being v suggestively creepy to Griffith in his scenes, particularly in chapter 54, but there's nothing explicit there

Wyald begins to choke a woman he was seemingly having consensual sex with ch 58 pg 20 the entire sex scene is ch 58 pg 18-20 if you skip it the only mildly important part is that Wyald mentions he already has business with Griffith to take care of, suggesting many or all apostles are aware he has the crimson behelit

ch 59, pg 16 graphic rape in the last panel. i'd recommend reading the rest of the page and just not scrolling down, last panel just describes how the black dog knights would rape women and murder children etc.

ch 59, pg 25-26 graphic rape

ch 60, pg 1-2, and pg 9-10 dismembered bodies skewered on swords, the imagery is p sexually violent if you skip it, guts thinks to himself that wyald's troops are being driven by fear. wyald attacks him with a body on his sword, which guts notices and which informs his outrage

implied rape threat ch 63, pg 18 - 19

rape attempt ch 64 pg 9 - 17, though Casca's torn clothes unfortunately remain throughout the rest of the Wyald fight, and Guts' response to her is terrible If you skip, Griffith sees Wyald grab Casca and tries to get to her despite not being able to walk, Guts eventually wakes up and saves her, nothing else of note

ch 68, from pg 15 to end of scene Wyald strips and humiliates Griffith, it's not overtly sexual and it's not skippable but it might be something you want to be prepared for

ch 71, pg 4 - 7 Griffith makes a sexual advance on Casca. It's not a rape attempt, he stops when she says stop, but it's wordless and might be another thing worth being warned for going in

ch 72 pg 10 - 13 Another one that's not really overt and not skippable but is just kind of vaguely sexual in a disturbing way. Griffith's nightmare sequence of a life with Casca suggests they have a kid together while Griffith is pretty far removed from reality, can't talk, and can barely move

ch 81, pg 21 - 22 The monster rape begins, nothing of value is lost if you skip these pages.

ch 85, pg 8 - 16 More monster rape

ch 86, pg 11 - ch 87, pg 16 Femto rapes Casca in a horrifically grautitous and eroticized rape scene in which the focus is entirely on Guts' feelings as he's forced to watch, with nothing from Casca's point of view. it's bad.

ch 93, pg 14 - 17 Guts tears Casca's dress after hot soup spills on it, then nearly kisses her before she shoves him away and runs, screaming.

Now I have to apologize because I can only warn for major rape scenes here on out. My memory of the post-golden age story isn't the best and there's some random background assault and rape for tone setting, sudden eclipse flashbacks featuring monsters holding up Casca, etc and I don't remember every instance.

Lost Children arc

general tw for abuse, implied csa, implied incest, this is a really dark arc tbh

assault attempt ch 95, pg 3

I believe there's a scene where Jill is sexually harassed by one of her father's friends in a tavern, but I can't find it.

violent rape, potential csa triggers ch 109, pg 14

Conviction Arc

general tw for a few full page spreads full of torture, including sexual torture, but I can't find specific pages

rape attempt, eclipse flashbacks ch 124, pg 6 - 9 + pg 12

possessed farnese tries to fuck guts' sword, idk ch 125, pg 8 - 12

eclipse flashback ch 130, pg 8 - 9

a monster sexually assaults casca ch 147, pg 21 - 22, ch 148 pg 3 - 5

Millenium Falcon Arc

the beast of darkness implies that guts should rape and kill casca in a nightmare. the imagery isn't graphic but it's fairly disturbing. I wouldn't recommend skipping this part but it's worth bracing yourself for. ch 187, pg 21-22

this is the scene where guts assaults casca ch 189 pg 11 - ch 190, pg 9 if you skip it, what happens is that casca is assaulted by bandits, which become monsters from the eclipse from her point of view, but she grabs one of their swords and kills them. guts finds her as she's holding the sword, naked and bloody, and pushes her down and forcibly kisses her. there's some gory beast of darkness imagery in guts' mind. guts bites her breast and then seems to come to his senses and stops. the scene ends abruptly.

single panel flashback to casca right after guts has assaulted her, not very graphic but just in case ch 199 pg 2

trolls rape a village woman ch 204 pg 5-7

a lot of graphic troll rape and gore featuring naked women ch 216 bottom of page 12 - end of chapter, easily skippable (tho top of page 12 is good)

somewhat sexualized image of a naked eviscerated woman ch 217 pg 10

another panel of trolls raping women ch 217, pg 13 hopefully that’s all of it, but apologies if I missed some, these troll chapters suck

slan getting sexually menacing with guts ch 219, pg 13 through ch 221, pg 3 this isn't really skippable, but fair warning going in. it's stuff like slan pressing him against her tits, tearing off his shirt, making a lot of suggestive comments, and kissing him on the last page

I can't find this, there are so many potential chapters it could be in, but at some point Raksas and Silat end up spying on Ganishka together and they see that he creates his demon army by immersing kidnapped pregnant women in a vat full of... apostle essence idk, and it corrupts the fetuses and turns them into demons. it's graphic and fucked up so brace yourself when you get to a scene where Raksas is leading Silat around Ganishka’s palace. ETA it's chapter 233, thank you @satanswolfcut

Fantasia Arc

eclipse flashback ch 354, pg 5