#i guess i just wish it was more accessible to learn in schools or even mandatory!

[westywallowing]

it has always baffled me that ASL isn't taught as a second language in American schooling. or as a requirement for certain jobs that work with, well, people. the HLAA says that around 48 million Americans have hearing loss!! 1 in 5 teenagers!! 1 in 3 people over the age of 60!!! it's crazy to me that sign isn't more widely taught and used considering that you probably DO or WILL know someone who has hearing loss at some point in their life

[mizuki-foreshadowing]

Mizuki likes to run!

While Mizu5 and Ena5 show off how fast our girl can go, Mizuki has always loved running. She does it all the time! She heard 'this character runs from her problems' and didn't wait to learn whether it's figurative or literal.

Mizuki's not as athletic as Mafuyu, who's good at sports and practices a demanding hobby in archery, and it's no achievement at all to be more athletic than Yoisaki 'can't walk directly into the wind' Kanade (Kanade: The Usual Ramen; Part 1), but it is mentioned every so often, usually in Mizuki teasing or making accommodations for Ena, that Mizuki is more athletic than Ena and Kanade, despite neither Ena nor Mizuki really doing much for physical fitness.

You may be asking yourself, Renn, didn't Mizuki literally say she likes to work out one time? The thing is though, out of the story content I have access to, I couldn't find more than one source on that. (I haven't read past Carnation Recollection yet, but I did also check every side story I have access to, which is both parts of 11 Mizuki cards and 35 side stories featuring Mizuki)

But, it is true that in Secret Distance, Mizuki asks Kanade if she'd like her to share some fun workouts to build up stamina for her. The reason I checked all the side stories that even feature Mizuki, is I figured characters might run into her while doing one of those workouts, or that she might mention doing stretches in her room or something while bored or before checking in on Nightcord, but it just isn't mentioned.

The sewing lounge that Mizuki frequents featured a few times, and she had many encounters walking home from school, but Mizuki just doesn't seem to exercise on screen.

There is another factor at play, the medium. The way the visual novel is presented, it's very funny to have a two-person shot become one-sided accompanied by a running sound effect, with the other person asking Mizuki to get back here and still being uncentered in the frame. It communicates how abruptly it comes off to the person that she's with whenever Mizuki flees a social interaction, and it reflects the way she dodges closeness in her conversations as well, between how good she is with improvising and with changing a subject.

Here's a self-indulgent montage I collected. About half of them are her fleeing a potential personal moment, but the other half are just her running because that's how she is.

Mizuki leaves Ena behind to break the awkward silence between Kanade and Mafuyu in Imprisoned Marionette.

Mizuki just bolting for no reason is a salient enough part of her personality that it snuck its way into Mafuyu's nightmare in the same story.

Mizuki reads Kohane as getting weirded out by her and doesn't want to make her uncomfortable, in Kamiyama High Festival.

In the same event, Mizuki runs off saying she'll find Tsukasa so Toya can sing him the praises of Romeo: Battle Royale. She did actually seem intent on finding Tsukasa though, so I guess her gameplan was to run around again until she found Akito and Toya.

In What's on Your Mind - Exciting Picnic, Rui picks up on Mizuki's unpleasant revelation that even if she wishes she can stay with N25 years into the future, that she has no faith in that future, and Mizuki hits the ground running.

Ena admits in Ena: Nightcord at 25:00; Part 1, that Mizuki can be fun to hang out with sometimes and that she misjudged her. Ena asks her if Mizuki had a similar experience for her after their good day together and Mizuki's just gone.

In Mizuki: A Night With Just the Three of Us; Part 2, Mizuki pranks Ena pretending to be a talent scout looking for prospective models. Mizuki hurries across the crosswalk when the light changes.

This all asks the question, why does Mizuki run. [She is afraid of intimacy.] I set about researching for this post thinking that I could make a case for it being a subtle nod to her having a different physique from the other members of N25, but it just fits her personality too cleanly.

In all of these scenes, however, it can be framed that Mizuki runs for essentially selfish reasons; she avoids an unpleasant situation or she leaves people behind while having fun alone. But, there was one time her running had nothing to do with selfishness. Mizuki still strikes off alone, but in the moment, it's just not about her.

Later on in What's on Your Mind - Exciting Picnic, Episode 8, Rui remarks that Mizuki had a certain desperation about her then. Mizuki dismisses it as being too unlike her and asks Rui to forget about it.

[crystalninjaphoenix]

Solo Mission

Paranormal Preteens: Episode 35

A JSE Fanfic

Okay so I’m actually pasting this fic into Tumblr on mobile for once, so I don’t know how to add the links I usually do. Hopefully those will be there soon haha. Please forgive any formatting weirdness for the same reason. I forgot to add the fic into the queue earlier and I don’t have access to my computer rn but I’ll fix mistakes later. Anyway, summary time! Chase keeps thinking about the stuff Anti said, and eventually decides to do something reckless. He’s going to try sneaking into a Circle hideout by himself. Not his best idea, but he hopes maybe it’ll remind others how fun this stuff is. I’m sure nothing will go wrong at all! Enjoy! :D

Previous Episode | More of this AU | From the Start | Read on AO3 at CrystalNinjaPhoenix

++++++++++++++++++++

A week passed, and nothing happened. It was incredibly frustrating. Chase couldn’t even concentrate in class, because he was spending too much time thinking about the Circle and what the heck Mom and the other adults were doing about them. He missed, like, four homework assignments in a row—something that Schneep was really concerned about. ��How are you supposed to learn more if you do not do the assignments?” he asked one afternoon while the two of them sat at the kitchen counter, snacking on a plate of cheese and crackers Mom left out.

“Well homework is stupid anyway,” Chase mumbled, kicking the stool legs idly. “They should keep all the learning in school.”

“...you are not paying that much attention in class, either,” Schneep said slowly. “I saw you fall asleep yesterday.”

“School shouldn’t start so early!” Chase grumbled.

Schneep tilted his head. “Do you think Aunt Jess will be... concerned? I-I know she will not be mad, but... she cares about you a lot. I-I know that—that your birthday is coming up! A-and she probably... does not want to worry about your grades... while that is happening?” He trailed off, uncertain. “Does this make sense?”

“Hah.” Chase smiled a bit sadly. “Honestly, my grades were really bad around this time last year, too.”

“Ah?” Schneep blinked. “Why? Is the schoolwork just really hard right now?”

“Uh... I-I mean... kinda, I guess...” Chase mumbled. “But also... a-a lot was happening around this time... last year.” He looked down at the counter, eyes tracing the dots in the design.

“...what...” Schneep paused. “Do you... want to... talk about it?” he asked hesitantly.

Chase squirmed in his seat. He put a slice of cheese on a cracker and took a big bite out of it.

“Y-you do not have to, of course!” Schneep said hurriedly. “It is just... I-I feel better after talking sometimes. I-in therapy, but also... talking to you. And to Aunt Jess, and our friends.”

Chase paused, then swallowed his bite. “Th-that’s a good point.” After all, wasn’t that why he tried talking to JJ during the whole doll thing? And didn’t talking with Marvin help the two of them get closer? But... it felt different when it was... about this. “I just, uh...” He kicked the legs some more. “About a week before my birthday last year, I heard Mom and Dad mention... that they were gonna... not be together anymore. A-and that... really... spoiled the fun, hahah.”

“...oh.” Schneep blinked. “I-I am sorry, Chase. That... that is... that is terrible.”

“Yeah... it sucked,” Chase said quietly. “But, um... they didn’t tell me the news until a couple days later. So I just... kinda had to sit there. While we were doing all the fun stuff together, a-and I just, uh... knew. I-I just knew.” He remembered looking at them, him sitting on one side of the table while they were on the other, the birthday cake with lit candles between them. He remembered wishing that he’d misheard or misunderstood. But he also remembered the way they smiled... he remembered how tight they looked.

“O-oh!” Schneep blinked. “Well, they... probably did not want you to worry. They wanted you to have fun.”

“Yeah, I guess they didn’t want to ruin the mood,” Chase agreed. “But like... I found out anyway, so...” He shook his head. “I mean... guess it was my fault for listening in. And... not telling them I heard. But... still. I-it sucked.” He sighed. “At least I also met Jackie around that time... He was my babysitter.”

“Huh.” Schneep blinked. “Well... perhaps they should not have been discussing such heavy news where you could hear? I do not think it is your fault for overhearing.”

“Maybe...” Chase muttered. It still felt like it was his fault sometimes. Like, if he had just... Well, he didn’t know what he could’ve done different. But something. He knew that wasn’t really the case, that he shouldn’t worry too much about his parents. But sometimes... his heart didn’t know that.

Schneep nudged Chase. “I think that Aunt Jess is a very good mom. And you are a very good son.”

Chase laughed a little. “I-I’m uh, not really concerned with that, y’know.”

“Hm... of course not,” Schneep said slowly. “But... it might bother you anyway.”

“Hah... it might.” Chase looked down at the counter again. A lot of things were bothering him lately. Like... Jackie. They hadn’t been able to see much of him lately. And he kept thinking about what Anti said, too. About how everyone would leave... except Anti himself. Chase couldn’t deny that everything felt... very different from last summer. When they were just running around town fighting monsters. Everything was much more complicated, and yet, nothing was happening, either.

“I think you have been... quiet lately,” Schneep said softly. “Is it because of this birthday in your past? Are you thinking about it too much? That... happens with me, sometimes.”

“I think that’s part of it,” Chase said slowly. “I’m also worried about the Circle. I don’t like that we’re not doing a lot about it.”

“Hm... yes, I suppose that is... worrying,” Schneep said slowly. “I-I do not like that we are less involved now. But... we started this, s-surely Aunt Jess would let us finish it?” He smiled one of his nervous smiles. “Besides, Anti would not let us leave, would he? Though he has been pretty quiet lately.”

Chase nodded slowly. “Maybe he... got the hint. And is giving up this game thing.”

“You do not sound sure about that,” Schneep pointed out.

“I’m not.” Chase took another bite of cheese and cracker. “Maybe he’s jus’ doin’ wha’ever he doz when he’s no’ both’rn’ uz.”

“Chase! Do not talk with your mouth full!” Schneep laughed.

Chase smiled, grinning wide.

“Do not show me your food like that either!” Schneep lightly shoved him. “You are messing with me on purpose now!”

“Mehbeh,” Chase said, holding back a laugh as well.

Little moments like these were... nice, but... they only fought back the distraction for a little bit. Anti’s words kept ringing in Chase’s head, especially when he tried to go to sleep at night. The idea that everyone will leave. But that Anti will always be there. Anti will always be willing to play. Sometimes, Chase thought that sounded really creepy. But... sometimes...

Sometimes he... thought too much about it.

++++++++++++++++++++

At lunch one day, when everyone was gathered up, Chase tried to bring up the subject of the Circle again. “Like, I know Mom and the other grown-ups are working on stuff, but... we should do something, too,” he said. “Aren’t you guys getting... I dunno... worried or something?”

“I mean, I don’t really like that some of our teachers are probably part of the group,” Marvin said. “But also, what are we supposed to do? Break into city hall?” He paused. “That could be kind of fun...”

“B-but very risky!” Stacy pointed out.

Well, they give tours of city hall, don’t they? JJ asked. It seems easy enough to get in... it’s exploring around that’s harder. They might have security cameras and stuff.

“Well, Marvin has greenlight powers, maybe that could come in handy?” Chase asked.

Marvin grinned. “Maybe I could come up with something.” He wiggled his fingers, and a miniature brick wall appeared, all in green. “Block out the cameras with something like this, maybe. Oh! Or maybe... I could...” He pointed into the air, and a tiny bolt of green lightning zapped from the tip of his pointer finger. “You know, do stuff like that?”

“I-I do not think that is a good idea,” Schneep said hurriedly. “If w-we get caught...” He swallowed a nervous lump in his throat. “I-I agree, we should do something when it comes to the Circle and Anti, but I think... it is not a bad thing, to leave this particular part to the adults.”

“You’re not... upset?” Chase asked. “Upset that we don’t know what they’re doing?”

“I... I s-suppose a little,” Schneep said slowly.

JJ frowned. I’m not a fan of not knowing, but I don’t want to bother your mom, Chase. She’s so nice, you know?

“Why don’t you bother her for us, Chase?” Marvin asked jokingly.

Chase started. “I-I don’t want to bother her!” But... at the same time, that struck a nerve inside him. If he wanted to do something, if he wanted to help, he should tell Mom, right? “Uh... maybe I’ll just... talk to her about it, though...”

“Yeah, tell us what she says,” Marvin said. He glanced around. “Hey, have any of you guys seen Jackie lately, by the way? Beanie Boy’s done fuck all when it comes to this.”

“He’s probably busy with school,” Stacy said. “I hear that when you get to his year, you really have to start buckling down and concentrating on your grades.”

Chase frowned, idly tearing at the cardboard of his small milk carton, watching droplets of liquid sink into the new cracks. Grades were important, yeah, but why couldn’t Jackie spare one afternoon to meet up with them? What was so damn important about this? ...wait, did Chase just think a swear word? Was he really that upset? Was he... mad at Jackie? No, no, he shouldn’t be mad. It wasn’t Jackie’s fault... it wasn’t true that he would... leave them behind.

“Are you okay, Chase?” Schneep asked.

“Huh? Oh, uh... yeah, just... thinking about school and stuff.” Chase sat up straight. “Anyway. I-I’ll ask Mom if we can help.”

++++++++++++++++++++

“Help? With the Circle?” Mom looked away from her cooking to face Chase, who was leaning on the kitchen counter and bouncing in place slightly. “What did you have in mind?”

“I-I dunno,” Chase said. “Just like... maybe when you go to city hall, we can come with you, a-and try to... find any secrets they have.”

“Chase, we’re not actually going inside city hall,” Mom said patiently.

“Huh? Then what are you doing?”

Mom paused. “I... I guess I haven’t really been clear, huh? Sorry about that.” She sighed. “It’s just... been a lot of boring stuff. Phone calls, and sharing around that video and recording of Jackie, and... it’s just really tedious.”

“Yeah, you’re gathering together a bunch of grown-ups to go fight the Circle, right?” Chase asked. “Once you’ve done that, can we come with you?”

“We’re not going to fight the Circle, I thought that was—” Mom leaned back, looking at the ceiling. “The plan isn’t to... go storming into their secret strongholds. What we’re going to be doing is a lot more subtle. We’re trying to figure out who, exactly, is a member of the Circle, and once we find someone, the plan is to get them out of whatever place of work they’re in. That way, we can operate more freely in that place—and the Circle will lose access to whatever benefits that position gives them. Of course, eventually we’re going to have to find these Fissures, or what you called them, so we’re all looking for places that might have secret entrances—”

“Yeah! We can help with that!” Chase said, picking up on the first thing she said that he really understood.

“Chase, the Circle has already proven that they’re willing to hurt you guys,” Mom said gently. “A-as your mother, I couldn’t... I can’t let that happen. You have to stay somewhere safe—away from them.”

“But... but we’re the ones who started this, aren’t we?” Chase asked. “We know how to fight monsters and stuff! A-and Anti’s gonna keep bothering us until we defeat the Circle! He’s not gonna be happy that you guys are doing it instead of us.”

“That’s... very true.” Mom paused for a second, then sighed. “Chase, I’ll tell you and Henrik and all the others when we have a plan you can help with, okay? I promise you, Richard and I are insisting that you be involved. But right now, we don’t have a plan that can include you. Does... that make sense?”

Chase stared at her. After a moment, he slumped. “I guess,” he mumbled.

Mom smiled. “I think it’s great that you want to help. I like that you’ve found something to be so passionate about. But you have to be patient, okay?”

“Mm-hm.” Chase nodded. “I’m not really, uh... good at that.”

“It just takes practice, like anything else,” Mom said. “Now, in the meantime... have you decided on what you want for your birthday? Last year we got you that skateboard, are there any... skateboard... accessories you want?”

Chase tensed slightly at the mention of his birthday. “I-I don’t know. Uh... maybe I want a hacky-sack or something.”

“A what?”

“It’s like a little soft ball full of beads and stuff, you like... kick it around and do tricks with it. I’ve seen other guys with them, they look fun, I guess.”

Mom nodded. “Got it. And do you know what you want to do on your birthday?”

“No, not really,” Chase mumbled. “Uh... Mom? Is the spaghetti sauce supposed to smoke like that?”

“Huh?!” Mom turned back to the stove. “It’s smoking?!”

“I thought it was. Maybe something fell out of the pan.” Chase hadn’t actually seen smoke. He just knew that would distract her. “Anyway, I should probably go tell Sch—Henrik that dinner’s almost done, right?”

“Yes, that would be great, sweets,” Mom said, nodding along. “Thank you.”

Chase smiled a little, then hurried out of the kitchen.

Later that night, he found he had trouble sleeping once again. He stared absentmindedly at the patterns in the ceiling, tracing their familiar shapes. There was the one that looked like a bird, there was the one that looked like a crooked star, and there was the one that looked like a loaf of bread—one of those fancy French ones that was all round. He thought again about what Anti said. The game was fun, wasn’t it? He liked fighting monsters and defeating the Circle, didn’t he? That was why he was so frustrated about nothing happening, wasn’t it?

Anti had told him that there was a Fissure in city hall... he said that he even disarmed the traps on the door leading to it. “They might fix the traps or add another, though, so you have to be fast about it to get inside,” he’d said. Chase hadn’t told the others about that—he hadn’t told them that Anti showed up to talk to him at all. It felt... wrong to tell them. Too... personal. So that knowledge sat in Chase’s mind, eating away at him. He had to do something. If he told Mom, she and the other grown-ups wouldn’t do anything with the information. Or, maybe they would, but he doubted that he and his friends would be invited to come with them. So what if... Chase just... snuck in there? One day?

But wait, even if he wanted to do that, shouldn’t he tell his friends, too? They would want to come, wouldn’t they?

...wouldn’t they?

Jackie... might be busy.

And sure, they could all go without him, but... the thought left a pit in Chase’s stomach.

Well, maybe he didn’t need to tell any of them! Maybe he could—maybe he could go try this on his own! Yeah, he could do that tomorrow! It was a weekend, so he didn’t have to worry about school. He could set up his handheld game controller in his room and set the volume up high, so that Mom and Schneep would hear the level music of a game and assume he was playing. The one problem would be getting to city hall, but... he could probably skate his way to a bus stop. Yeah. Yeah! He could totally do this on his own! He didn’t need to wait for Mom or anyone! He didn’t need anyone to come with him!

And then... maybe, if he showed that he could do this... Jackie would... be impressed. He would... want to do stuff with him again. He wouldn’t want to leave. Not that he was going to! Not that Anti was right about that! But... maybe Jackie would realize that... he needed to be there with Chase. More than he needed to do school stuff. Because of course, Jackie needed to have fun with them again! He just... had to remember what it was like to do this stuff! Chase would show him!

With a vague idea forming in his mind, Chase drifted off, sinking into a restless sleep.

++++++++++++++++++++

The days were starting to get longer again, so Chase decided to wait until after dinner to enact his plan. During the day, he went into Mom’s room to use the computer, looking up the bus routes and also what times city hall would have their tours. Dinner was always around 5:30, so if he ate fast and then hurried to his room to set up his trick, he could be at city hall in time for the 6:20 tour!... hopefully.

After he looked up the times, he made sure to close the browser tab and then hurried to his room. He would probably need to climb out the window, right? Maybe he could form a rope out of his clothes like in movies. He’d never climbed a rope, though... but he could do it! He looked out his window to the ground—and immediately felt his heart freeze at the sight of the sheer drop. Maybe he should just... sneak out the front door when no one was looking.

He acted very normal for the rest of the day. Schneep did give him a bit of a confused look when he said he was going up to his room after dinner, but that didn’t mean anything! Chase closed his bedroom door tight, set up his game system like he’d planned, and waited, listening. After a bit, he heard Mom go down the hall to her room, and then he heard Schneep go past Chase’s door to the bathroom. Chase immediately—but quietly!—opened his bedroom door and snuck out. He carried his skateboard and helmet under one arm and his shoes in the other (so his footsteps would be quieter.) He carefully closed the door tight again and hurried down the stairs. He didn’t look behind him as he went to the front door and slipped out.

The bus stop wasn’t too far away. Even though Chase had never gone on the bus before, he’d seen the stop whenever they drove past it. Once outside, he quickly put on his shoes and helmet and skated down the street, flying as fast as he could towards the stop. In the end, he arrived just in time to see the bus coming down the street. He waved it down and it slowed to a halt next to the stop. Luckily, he’d brought some coins to pay the fare. He climbed on board the bus, took a seat near the front, and tried to relax.

But even as he tried, he was so distracted that he nearly missed the stop for city hall. And he definitely failed to see the second shadow trailing behind him. The one with eyes that seemed to be watching him.

Chase arrived to city hall and quickly spotted a group of people gathering outside. He shoved his skateboard and helmet into some bushes to hide them, then hurried over and tried to casually blend in with the group. There were a few kids there, so he didn’t stand out too much—though the kids were all a lot younger than him. But if he put his cap on and pulled it down over his eyes, he was sure he would blend in.

The group walked up the steps to city hall and Chase followed, his heart pounding in his ears. He braced himself for anything... but the inside of the building seemed kind of... plain. It looked more like the office building where Mom worked than anything else. The walls were boring white, the carpet was short and gray. There were stiff plastic chairs in a row for people to wait in, and a big desk for a receptionist. Chase was momentarily taken off guard by how normal this all looked. But then he started glancing around wildly. He needed to find the door that led to the Fissure! It probably wouldn’t be right here, where everyone could see. He would have to sneak around.

A woman in a red vest appeared, introducing herself as the tour guide for the group. Chase made sure his cap was pulled down as he followed, staying kind of in the back. As they walked down a hallway—which still looked very boring—Chase looked up at the ceiling. That was where security cameras usually were, right? He saw a couple weird black domes... were those cameras? He’d never seen one like that before, but... maybe?

As he looked away, trying to hide, he failed to see the shadowy hand that reached towards each camera, causing a faint red light to go out.

Once Chase thought the tour group had gone deep enough into the building, he started looking for an opportunity to slip away. The tour guide walked them down a hall lined with doors, and he jiggled the handle of each one. Most of them were locked, but after a few tries, he found one that managed to turn! Quickly, he ducked inside, not thinking about what might be on the other side. Luckily, the room beyond was empty. Because it was a closet full of cleaning supplies. Chase stood there in the small, dark space for a minute, until he heard the footsteps of the group fade away.

Alright. He had to be careful about this. Where would the Fissure be hidden? The one in the planetarium had been behind a door tucked away behind an exhibit. So... the door to the Fissure here would probably be hidden like that. There weren’t any exhibits here, but... maybe he should look behind bookshelves or something?

“Are you lost?”

Chase jumped at the sound of the voice. “A-Anti?!” He hissed.

A giggle echoed through the small space, and suddenly, Anti was there, as if the shadows in the corner had shapeshifted into his form. “Surprise. I saw you snuck out of your house. You’re here to use that hint I gave you, huh?”

“N... no,” Chase lied.

Anti giggled again. “Do you want another hint?”

“No! Shut up! Go away!” Chase hissed.

“Alright, alright. The point is to see if you can beat the challenge, after all. It’s not fun if I just do everything for you.” Anti floated backwards, back into the shadows. “But you should be fast about it. They already think something’s wrong.” His voice faded away, leaving Chase alone.

Chase stood there for a second, blinking wildly in the darkness. Then he took a deep breath and slowly opened the closet, glancing at the hallway beyond. Nobody in sight. But if Anti was telling the truth, he should hurry. And try to avoid as much attention as possible. Slowly, Chase slunk out of the closet and started walking down the halls, sticking close to the walls.

City hall was a bit of a maze. It didn’t help that everything looked so similar. The only real difference was that sometimes the floor was carpet, and sometimes the floor was tile. The hallways had signs up, giving people directions on where everything was located, but Chase didn’t pay too much attention to those. The Fissure door wouldn’t be marked down, after all. He wandered for a while, occasionally ducking into a closet when someone walked by. It was rare that anyone did, though. Most people seemed to be staying inside the rooms. He would occasionally glance through doorways to see them working at desks or stacking books on shelves.

But even though he wasn’t being caught, he wasn’t finding anything, either. There were a lot of doors, but how was he supposed to know which ones were normal and which ones weren’t?! His stomach began to flip around as it filled up with fear and desperation. He had to do something! He had to find this door! Or else—or else—what was the point of it all?! If Mom found out that he’d done this, she wouldn’t even think about letting him help with the Circle in the future! And if Jackie found out—if Jackie found out...

If Jackie found out, he might stop hanging out with Chase altogether. He might think that Chase was just some dumb kid.

Chase felt warm prickles in his eyes at the thought of that. He paused, reaching up to wipe his eyes with the hem of his shirt.

And when he lowered his shirt again, he saw a man walking around the corner of the hallway, coming straight at him!

Chase inhaled sharply. He looked around—there weren’t any doors nearby! The closest hiding place he could find was a big potted plant, its leaves spread out wide enough to easily hide him. Chase quickly ducked behind it, the leaves rustling as he did so. Oh this was such a dumb hiding place, his feet were sticking right out in the open! He was going to get caught he was going to get caught he was going to get caught—

But the man walked right by without even glancing his way. He was busy looking down at a sheet of paper in his hands, frowning. Huh. Maybe Chase didn’t have to hide so quickly. Even so, he was tempted to stay standing here for a bit while he tried to calm down. But it was really uncomfortable. The long plant leaves kept tickling his face and there was something pressing into his back—

Wait a second. His back was to the wall, wasn’t it?

Chase turned around, and found his face inches away from the wood of a door. It had been painted the same beige color as the wall around it, so he hadn’t realized it was there behind the big plant. But now that he knew it was here... could this be it? Swallowing a nervous lump in his throat, he reached forward and grabbed the door handle, turning it and pushing.

The door slowly swung open, going inwards, and revealing a plain stairwell beyond. Metal steps going back and forth, cutting down through cinder block walls and fluorescent lighting. A secret way down. Just like in the planetarium! Just like the hospital! Just like the school! This had to be it.

Grinning triumphantly, Chase hurried forward, footsteps clanging on the metal stairs. The staircase turned once, twice, three times, and then stopped. He found himself at the end of a hallway lined with doors. Two to the left, two to the right, and a set of double doors straight ahead. Again, he was reminded of the hospital. The layout of the underground hall there was similar, though this one was shorter. So... the Fissure was probably behind those double doors, right?

Chase glanced at the doors on either side of the hallway, then ran forward, sprinting past it all. It was so quiet down here. The city hall above had been quiet too, but he’d been able to hear things like the AC going, or the distant sound of people moving in other rooms. It was dead silent in this hallway. Not even the lights were buzzing.

He ran for the double doors, stopping just in front of them. White doors, with silver handles—the sort that are shaped like bars, that move on a hinge when you push them in. He took a deep breath, and did just that, pushing on the handles and opening the doors, walking into the room beyond.

The room was a vast space, lined with bookshelves and filing cabinets. They might have once been in rows, but they’d all been pushed to the walls, leaving the room looking empty. The reason they’d been moved was clear. The middle of the room had fallen away, leaving only a hole into darkness below it. The hole was eye-shaped, getting narrower at either end, practically dividing the space in half. Chase froze in place at the sight of it. There were crystals growing around the edge. Like at the hospital. But these crystals were much bigger. Round ones as big as his fist, spikey ones almost six inches tall, all of them clear or slightly cloudy... except for the biggest ones around the edge of the hole. Those ones had light inside. Flickering, green light.

This was it. This was the Fissure. Chase felt a pang of fear at the sight of it, but it was quickly eclipsed by triumph—he’d done it! He’d found the way here! But... then the triumph faded to confusion. What was he supposed to do about a Fissure this big? They hadn’t known how to take care of the one at the other locations, either. The planetarium had collapsed on top of the one there, but... they couldn’t exactly do that here, could they?

All these thoughts flashed through his head in about three seconds. Chase would’ve gladly stood there thinking for longer, but he couldn’t.

Because at that moment, the light in the room—all of the light except for the greenlight—turned red. The crystals grew brighter and started to vibrate, humming at varying, clashing frequencies. Chase stepped backwards towards the door, eyes wide, not wanting to look away.

Greenlight shot through the crystals, forming lines through the air—a circle! And in the center of the circle, something green began to gather. Just more light at first, but as it grew bigger, it began to change. A liquid... no, a solid! No... something in between. A large pile of green ooze, forming into a tall column with five or six tendrils attached to it around the center like wiggling, spaghetti-shaped arms. Several lights gathered in the top of the column, swirling around each other. Chase stared at it in shock.

And then, two of those tendrils shot forward, reaching for Chase!

Yelping, Chase scrambled back, pressing against the doors. The tendrils squished against the wall on either side of him, and two more rotated around, aiming at him. Heart suddenly pounding, Chase spun around and pulled the door open, ducking through. The slime monster’s tendrils slammed against it, closing the door fast—and catching Chase’s ankle in the process. He yelled in pain, then wrenched it free. That only made the pain worse, and tears sprang to his eyes as he forced himself to run down the hall.

Behind him, the slime monster squished through the gap in the door. It was slow, but those tendrils reached far. They stretched after Chase, and soon he felt their cold, slimy grip wrap around his torso. “B-back off!” he shouted, twisting around to try and karate chop through the slime. It worked, he was able to sever part of one of the tendrils—but there were still two others grabbing onto him. “No! No!”

He just had to move faster! He just had to keep running! Chase turned back around and tried to make his legs go faster. The tendrils stretched, but there was still some tension holding him back. And the main body of the slime monster was getting closer! He grabbed onto the handle of one of the doors and tried to turn it. It wasn’t locked, but the door was heavy. Panicking, breathing fast, Chase threw all his weight against it, and managed to get the door open wide enough to shove an arm inside. While the slime was still trying to pull him back, he felt around the inside, finding something like a metal bar. He grabbed onto that, holding tight, and reached his other hand inside to grab that bar as well. Pulling... pulling... please! Please!

Step by struggling step, he pulled himself through the doorway. As soon as he was sure he was fully inside, he threw his leg out to the side and kicked behind him, trying to slam the door shut. The heavy door bounced for a moment on the slime tendrils, but then began to close. Chase kicked wildly, throwing his whole weight at the door—and after a couple tries, the tendrils broke, slime splattering everywhere. Chase scrambled back from the door and stared at it, panting. The room was dark. He could see light from the hallway seeping in around the cracks of the door... light that soon turned green as it passed through the translucent body of the slime monster beyond.

It couldn’t get through, right? Those cracks... were too small, right?

Chase’s eyes darted around. He couldn’t make out a lot of the room, but there were... rows of things in here. Tables, maybe? A couple things that looked like chairs... he should probably turn on the lights. Where was the switch for that?

...by the door. Of course it was.

After a moment, Chase inched forward again, reaching for the switch. He put his whole hand on it as he went to turn it on—

And a tendril of green slime shot towards his hand, wrapping around his wrist.

Chase screamed. The slime has squeezed through the crack. The door was slowly opening. He waved his arm frantically to get the slime to let go, turning the light on and off a couple times as he did so. Once he was free, he spun around to look at the room. Maybe there was something he could use to fight back in here!

...no. There were only rows... of beds. Hospital beds, and the occasional chair next to them. Chase shuddered, and looked back at the door. It was creaking open, two tendrils of slime reaching inside... reaching for him. He should run. He should back up, at least! But his legs wouldn’t move. His knees felt wobbly.

This whole thing was a bad idea. It was a stupid idea, a really really stupid idea. Just like all his ideas were. Just like everything he wanted to do was. He shouldn’t have done this. He should’ve accepted that everyone would leave, just like Anti said, and not tried to... what did he even think coming here would accomplish? Did he really think that this would somehow show Jackie that this was better than anything else he was doing? If anything, Jackie would just panic and say Chase should never do this again. Just like Mom would.

The door burst open. Chase shrieked and finally found the strength to turn and run, but there was nowhere to go. The tendrils grabbed onto him, wrapping around his arms and legs. They began to drag him back towards the main body of the slime monster. No no no! He knew what these sorts of monsters did in stories! He didn’t want to be buried in goop! But—the creature was too strong now that he was so close to it. His struggles weren’t doing anything... so he stopped.

Maybe, if something happened to him, the others would at least be spurred on to do something. Maybe, if something happened to him, they would at least think about why he tried to do this. Maybe, if something happened to him, they would at least know how much he was hurting.

A sharp whistle pierced the air.

The slime monster moved away from the door, pulling Chase with him. Standing in the doorway was a tall figure. A woman, backlit by the brighter light from the hallway. Chase had only seen her once, but he knew who she was. “...Chase Brody. Am I correct?” Iris asked.

Chase stared at her, blinking. What the heck was he supposed to do right now?!

“Ah, right, you’re probably—one second.” Iris reached into the pocket of her fancy suit jacket and took out a long, thin crystal, pointed at one end. She pointed it at the slime monster and tapped it with her fingernail. The crystal buzzed and glowed green, and the slime monster glowed green in response and melted down to a puddle that spread all across the room floor. “Sorry about that. We have security measures in place. The Limus is our last line of defense, so it’s a bit aggressive.”

Chase continued to stare. He trembled slightly. “Wh-wh-what a-are you going to d-do to me?”

“Nothing!” Iris said, looking shocked at the question. “Well... we’re going to have to figure out something, but... I promise, we’re not going to hurt you, Chase.”

Like he would believe that. Chase wrapped his arms around himself, stepping backwards.

“...do you want... some water?” Iris asked awkwardly.

Chase shook his head.

Iris stood there. Chase stood there. The two of them just stared at each other for a while. “I’m... going to call your mother,” Iris finally said, backing out of the room. “You stay here, okay?” She grabbed the doorknob and started to pull the door closed as she left.

Panicking, Chase ran forward—but slipped on the slime puddle, landing hard on the ground, banging his knees and elbows. When he looked up again, the door was already shut. He started to shout, but then stopped himself. Iris probably wouldn’t care. So instead he scrambled to his feet, slipping a bit on the slime some more, and hurried for the door, trying not to fall again.

The door was locked, of course. He pushed and pulled and slammed his fists against it, but it didn’t budge. “H-hey! Hey!” he finally shouted. “D-don’t leave me in here! With the slime monster! Hey! Hey! L-let me out!”

But there was no response. Iris was probably already gone.

Chase sunk to the ground, kneeling on the floor. He didn’t believe that Iris was going to call Mom. Or if she was, it was going to be after something else happened. He doubted that the Circle would just let him walk away with the knowledge of where their big secret Fissure was. Maybe... they were going to erase his memory, or something?

The tears couldn’t be held back any longer. Chase leaned back against the wall, pulling his knees close to himself, and buried his face in his arms to sob.

++++++++++++++++++++

Bonk. Bonk. Bonk.

Jackie looked up at the sound bumping against his bedroom door. It was almost like someone was knocking on the wood, asking to come in, but it was too close to the ground. “Hello?” he called.

Bonk. Bonk. Bonk. Then, after a minute, footsteps. “Sam? What’re you doing?” Jack asked, on the other side of the door. “Don’t bother Jackie. He’s doing shit.”

“No, it’s okay,” Jackie said. “You can open the door.”

Jack did so, and Sam bounced into the room, staring at Jackie. Bouncing back and forth.

“What is it?” Jackie asked. “What do you want?”

Sam continued to stare at him, bouncing backwards now. Jackie blinked. Why... did their look give him chills? It felt like... they were telling him something important. Like something really bad was happening. Jackie looked up at Jack, and saw his own worry reflected in his face. So he wasn’t just imagining things, at least.

What was going on?

[noctilin]

Hi jez!! ive been a long time follower of yours and your art has been a huge help when i was struggling in school. Hope you dont mind me asking this out of the blue but Im graduating soon and i still dunno if the careerpath i'll be taking is one i wanna take for life. I really like art, but im not really good at it, and i dont rlly have the means to "follow my passion". Im curious, do you do art for a living full time, or are you doing art while also having a quote unquote "real job"?

it doesnt really help that my parents arent very supportive of my art hobbies as of now, especially since im not making any money out of it. Money speaks as they say... LOL

hello!! i answered a question similar to this before you might be interested in. but tldr, i draw for a living! mainly freelance illustration.

commitment to art as a career is such a... complicated topic, i won't lie. even more difficult when you don't really have a sturdy support system like you say :( unfortunately, most people don't realize this is or isn't what they want until they take that leap.

personally, at first, it felt good, affirming to earn a living out of my art, it still does, but after years of it, i realized i would rather not monetize my work. it caused me to develop a complicated relationship with my creative process over the years. it often makes me question if i feel fulfilled with what i do, or if i'm only making this a means to survive. it burns me out constantly. even in the present, i have to continuously recondition my own perception of my process. but i'm currently not in a good position to just switch out my career.

i have been incredibly lucky that my art garners interest the way it does, and i make sure not to take it for granted. but i cannot hide how mentally draining it is to draw because i need to make ends meet instead of drawing because of the joy of it.

i like my art, i just wish i could enjoy it without worrying about a hungry stomach at the same time. 😅

i guess the point i'm making from all this is that money as a motivator in a creative field can be a mind killer. some people can do it, but i've rarely met such personalities... so what i'll say is this: if you want to learn and be around creatives, i would encourage going to art school, if you can. but going to art school isn't the end of it all either if you find it difficult to enroll yourself in one. art is accessible to all nowadays! just take a few google or youtube searches and maybe a little trip to the library, regardless if you want to keep it as a hobby or pursue it professionally. i've met a lot of artists who've landed full time jobs in studios without finishing an art degree. it's just a matter of letting your portfolio talk for you, a little bit of luck, and surrounding yourself with people who spark and uplift your creative spirit.

i know this is all still uncertain, but if there's anything i'm sure about, it's the fact that you don't have to give up art to live. art is living. it can still be your hobby if it doesn't end up as your job. and even if it doesn't become your career now, it's not impossible to have it in the future. i hope you find your way and, for what it's worth, congratulations on your upcoming graduation :)!

[nonbinairyboi]

Get to know your mutual

Thanks for the tag @itwasntimethatdidit40

What’s the origin of your blog title?

Welp, I’m nonbinary and so is my partner. My partner once went to the doctor and the doc was really kind and earnest about making sure it was noted. She then proceeeded to call my partner ‘non-bin-AIR-y’ and it’s been a joke ever since.

Boi because boi and gorl are gender neutral to me.

OTP(s) + shipname:

Guys I don’t really have one at this point. I’ve gone through so many and I’ve learned that I can be convinced of anything, but especially if it is gay.

Favorite color:

I like blues and greens.

Favorite Game:

I love a party game like jackbox or stir the pot but I think that’s mostly because I am currently craving being around friends. I like when it is low effort and I can be lounging because that is the most accessible to me, but I love a lot of games. Mostly board games but my partner is slowly getting me better at video games.

Song stuck in your head:

Weirdest habit/trait:

I be just be making sounds. Like ‘skoo-ba-beep’

Hobbies:

Acting, crocheting, embroidery, knitting, writing, drawing, staring at the ceiling.

If you work, what’s your profession:

My day job is in customer service and I work from home.

My other job is acting when I get cast.

If you could have any job you wish, what would it be?

I would just be acting with no day job. A boi can dream.

Something you’re good at:

‘All the creative things. And membering things’ - my partner

Something you’re bad at:

Staying standing up (oops), being active generally, not looking greasy, decisions.

Something you love:

My partner and my dumb lil cats. Women’s basketball. Women.

Something you could talk about for hours off the cuff:

Stage combat, Shakespeare, Pedro, acting, Lord of the Rings.

Something you hate:

Method acting, people who refuse to change/learn, capitalism.

Something you collect:

LEGO!!!!

Something you forget:

How would I know?

What’s your love language?

I’m so indecisive. I like a variety and I like to show in a variety of ways? Idk.

Favorite movies/tv show:

Movies: A Room with A View, Empire Strikes Back, Sinners, Attack the Block, Freaky Tales, Waiting for Guffman

Shows: Bee and Puppycat, Severence, The Last of Us (season 1), Arcane, The Mandalorian, Andor, Skeleton Crew, Bobs Burgers, Next Level Chef

Favorite food:

I love so much I don’t even know. I’m happiest when I can be eating different cuisines randomly. Like Mediterranean, Mexican, Southwest, Japanese, Indian, let’s gooo!

Favorite animal:

Elephants. They are just the best.

What were you like as a child?

Hyper fixated on things. Shy at school but not around my friends. Moody.

Favorite subject at school?

Before college it was probably English. In college it was my acting classes.

Least favorite subject at school?

Math, it just took more brainpower in not a fun way for me.

What’s your best character trait?

I accept that it’s ok to be wrong and I always want to be learning and growing.

What’s your worst character trait?

‘You’ve started grinding your teeth in the soul-crushing, makes me want to crawl out of my skin, squeaking sound.’ - my partner

If you could change any detail about your day right now, what would it be?

My partner and I would be living in our own place again.

If you could travel in time, who would you like to meet?

My first thought was people I’ve lost but I guess I met them already. I wish I’d met my partner’s Grandad.

On a completely different note, I would like to ask Shakespeare how he expected any actor to stand through the last scene of Cymbeline. It’s too damn long.

Recommend one of your favorite fanfics (spread the love):

I have so mannnny!!!! I’m missing a ton but here are just a few

Pas de Deux by @burntheedges

Paranoid Heart by @goodwithcheese

Love Me Like a Loaded Gun by @thedilfdiaries

All in a Days Work by @mandaloriankait

Blood is Always Paid by @annwrites24 (ongoing)

Psychomanteum by @whatsnewalycat

Thoroughfare by @gothcsz (ongoing)

Falling by @damneddamsy (ongoing)

It’s Nothing Serious by GlamFolk (unfinished and still 10/10)

Beskar Doll by @justagalwhowrites

So Much to Lose by @auteurdelabre

Congrats on your reading and/or skimming skills if you go this far!!

Npt: any of my moots, including those who are tagged above, @stitch-away @kingbrat and you? 👀

[yestrday]

a little silly doodles of the academy's (literal) star student! i was thinking of what would their file have about them since i feel alot of the harem members especially those who are close to the staff members of the academy or helps around with that department of the school since im used to volunteering for stuff like that 😭 but anyway im pretty sure probably people like diluc(canonically has alot of connections), neuvillette(canon can go through files of fontaines citizens), scara(irminsul.....), zhongli (walking encyclopedia), Alhaitham(scribe), amd a few more but don't wanna squeeze my brain dry just to think! anyway these people has definitely have access to the school's files of students since they're needed for I.Ds and stuff!

the funny thing is... Asteria's origins is a little bit complicated... As I mention its not easy feat to enter the academy im guessing and they obviously had Alice's help and the reason for that is that they're... technically not a registered citizen in that world. They don't exactly have a birth certificate to prove they "exist"... They originated from a very low class home town and was literally in poverty. Their family wasn't exactly present so whenever the government would have free limited events of registering unregistered children when Asteria's was younger they didn't do it for Asteria which proved to be a problem. Later on in life Asteria surprisingly grew up wise and intelligent through threw away books of near by semi prestigious schools in their area which they picked up and learned from!! they had a passion for knowledge especially in the field of science and wished to be a famous astronomer! but of course being faced with the harsh reality they will probably never achieve that dream theyve accepted it but still enjoys learning ANYTHING new like they love learning and observing it's such... such a refreshing thing to see for passionate teachers that volunteers and teach in asteria's low class neighborhood it brings a tear in their eyes.

anyway let's say.. alice was one of these volunteers and noticed young Asteria's passion and was intrigued by this. A diamond in the rough! that's insane to Alice and so she took some years to observe Asteria by occasionally dropping by the grungy neighborhood and sees asteria sharing their learnings and be a bright kid whilst having that playful charm they had. So Alice decided to take it herself that she'll help Asteria study the proper education before establishing her grand plan offffffff.... enrolling Asteria to the academy that her daughter and niece is in LMAOO

And before all this. Asteria's real name isn't even Asteria Stellar... That was only a name that Alice created for them to describe their passion and their behavior, the stellar describing how out of this world their pursuit of knowledge was hence the stellar as their last name but their real name was Yvaine(meaning: north star) to represent as the light and guide for the kids in that neighborhood for helping the kids to learn atleast a bit and guided them through the shitty reality!!! asteria is a really nice kid back then huhu

anyway once asteria finally hits the age of entering the academy Alice got some connections to help her make a... semi legitimate birth certificate and some documents to make up some "normal" life that Asteria supposedly have so yeah baam thats when "Asteria Stellar" was created!

so basically what I'm saying if any of these harem maniacs even TRIES to check their history or origins they'll... probably have a major difficult time because it's so obscure thanks to Alice making sure that no one will figure out this because if this gets out then not only Asteria will get in alot of trouble so will Alice so ermmm... but yeah! other than this if they just get the courage and ask Asteria themselves to talk more about themselves then Asteria will gladly tell their tale! it's pretty easy to get information of them actually if you just approach them 😓 it's because of this stupid reputation and aura they exude makes them looks approachable and it doesn't help the fact they have long ass hair that makes them look those intimidating characters that's good in everything huhuuu doesn't matter tho

also them being filo is a bit important since they have a tiny bit of an accent when speaking in English if its not in an academic setting! They also their culture alot but not alot of people knows this because they all assume that Asteria isn't Filipino but another ethnicity because of the accent?? 😭 which makes asteria confuzzled (from experience)

FILO MENTIONED 📢📢📢 BAYANG MAGILIW PERLAS NG SILANGAN 📢📢 AKO AY PILIPINO BUONG KATAPATAN NANUNUMPA OR SMTH 📢📢📢📢

the filo accent has me awwing but then i remembered the filo accent is probably cute to foreigners but i just keel over laughing bc its just really funny (i have filo accent too)

also.... i think your babygirl n alice mightbe committed one or two crimes there...

her background is so sweet as well :')) i can imagine asteria teaching the other kids as well awhhh but this shit could be good now we can eliminate the possibilities of a yandere snooping around her background doing archon knows what

[theverumproject]

Author Ask Tag!

Thank you for the tag @nczaversnick (Yes, I started this a few months ago)

1. What is the main lesson of your story? Why did you choose it?

I guess it's something like this: Heroes, like how they exist in movies, could never truly exist. Even if you fight for something good, you will have to do something bad eventually. Heroes don't exist, only anti-heroes do. And some people will always hate you. You will never be able to do it right by everyone. No matter how much you are loved, some will always wish for your demise. But you can keep on doing your thing as long as you are strong enough.

Then there's also peace. Peace that will never truly exist. No matter how peaceful a society is, there will always be conflict. Doesn't mean you have to stop fighting for it.

That is all I'm going to say, otherwise some secrets might get revealed.

2. What did you use as inspiration for your world-building?

The earth in my books is entirely our own. All historic events, buildings and people (including you) exist in this world. It is 100% identical as of now.

As for the Sci fi stuff that doesn't exist yet, it is probably also inspired by science. This is also how Verum started. I was interested in science as a kid and a story built itself in my head. That doesn't mean though that my books are accurate to the real deal or predictions of the future. (I got accused of pseudoscience once. Mf I said its science FICTION).

As for the aliens and their worlds, I let myself be inspired by biology. There are so many weird and fucked up things in nature, how could I not?

3. What is your MC trying to achieve, and what are you, the writer, trying to achieve with them? Do you want to inspire others, teach forgiveness, help readers grow as a person?

I would not hope so. Even though the main cast are the good guys, they are still not entirely good people. They are all mostly morally grey, and I would not want other people to be inspired to act on their own against somebody and commit crimes. You know what they say; “Don't be a hero”. Be inspired by their traits and good actions, but don't risk yourself or loved ones.

As for what my main character is trying to achieve: Luce, as of The Robotic Era, wants to fight against all of the hate that robots receive on a daily basis, which are proven to sapient beings. Sometimes this hate even leads to their death or the death of their loved ones (humans too). Then there is also easily accessible and free healthcare, food and shelter for everybody and fighting against human trafficking.

4. How many chapters is your story going to have?

The Awakening has 10 and The Robotic Era has 15 so far. Act 2 is probably gonna be just as long as Act 1, so I'm assuming at least 30 chapters for TRE. I'm not sure yet, but I think there might even be a third act, so my final assumption is going to be 40 to 50 chapters.

And this is as far as I can see into the future. There are going to be a few more books after TRE, but I have absolutely no idea how long they are going to be.

5. Is it fanfiction or original content? Where do you plan to post it?

The Verum Series is an original book series which you can read on AO3 and on Wattpad. The Awakening can also be found on Inkitt, but I don't plan on posting there anymore (it's bot infested and I don't like that).

6. When did you start writing?

I have always loved writing since I learned it in school. I think in third grade I wrote my first short story. (My hand got playfully attacked by a cat right after finishing this sentence, cute)

7. Do you have any words of encouragement for fellow writers of writeblr?

Never stop or I am going to find you.

Tags:

@creative-author @mrassassinscreedhimself @rivenantiqnerd @dragmewithyoutonirvana 

Interact with this post to get added to the tag list. Ask if you want to be removed.

[valleygirlmukuroikusaba]

context for why i like danganronpa:

i know i talk abt v3 semi-srsly here from my latest posts but i swear. im just going through a academic rut(. istilldonthaveahighschooldiploma) and holy fuck im stressed

and v3 is cathartic to me in a way that worldbuilding wise mfs be academically privileged and my revenge is tearing the literacy of v3 apart to make headcanons that theres no narrative. while v3 as a narrative is about the narrative inside a narrative inside a narrative i decided to go the other direction.

but through that i reinvented the system to replace the narrative and it makes me mad to know that v3 mfs are systematically privileged enough to be irresponsible and academic access to shit like philosophy or whatever people made shit education stole to sell more academic pressure like the scam that it is.

or r systematically privileged enough to fully evade responsibility using said academic availability of knowledge through whoever taught them fuck knows what. theyre ultimates who gaf

all the while being entertainment for the audience of v3 who can afford to safely enjoy the consequences of irresponsibility in front of their eyes while refusing to see that they can only find pleasure in "people facing consequences of their actions" by being free to access that entertainment in the first place. this shit is manufactured as hell.

who cares abt the belief system idc what's being taught anymore. its about a lack of experience but alway having opportunities handed to them. theres no adventure. no momentum then what's the fucking pointttt. its a system outside a system outside a system.

all because of some stupid standards.

and i guess the narrative but v3 keeps selling me narratives i think suck because its describing a system that sucks.

and im being very bitter abt it by completely revamping my speedrunning au because of it. The eSports Industry Is In Shambles . there'll still be speedrunning at some point but. bring on the fighting against ranks and rules by CHEATING and getting away with cheating. bc who has the ego and false trust in stability to do things the "right way" but first let me test the waters bc ive got shit to cover sighhh. ups and downs and rotations and idk battle battle battle.

its my thinly veiled academic struggle wish fulfillment . yayyyyyayyyyyy ifeel sick

figure out how to desconstruct and destory every standard known to man and im getting the whole v3 cast to fight it by cheating

i might not be allowed to cheat in real life but kaede and 15 other cheaters can. and some old school tactics that people forgot existed

go my scallops or something esports is OVERRRRRRRRR. once tsumugi leaves to cheat the farming simulator games

keebo will learn that the standards that keebo was built off of come from. this hellhole party. probably. grab tsumugi's hand lets borrow back what these FUCKS stole from them. and use those borrowed tools to build anew.

making new room and staying undercover is more fun than preventing irresponsibility in a environment that never guaranteed anything in the first place and theres plenty of tools at our disposal even some that are deemed dangerous whatever we making rounds on this shit

[imspardagus]

Sense and Centenary

I attended the centenary of my old school, Wanstead High School, last September. This is a small record of what happened.

I am sure that when I signed up for the centenary celebration at Wanstead last year I knew what I was doing. Knew, that is, why I wanted to make the journey from Hertfordshire back to Redbridge, a place I had left 54 years ago with, honesty compels me to say, few regrets other than with my own lack of achievement.

I am more or less sure that it had to do with some kind of banal wish to connect with that gauche and unhappy creature, neither boy nor yet man, and somehow tell him it would all turn out okay-ish. And, again in the cause of honesty, I know it also had a lot to do with the sad hope that I would bump into Caroline, whose astonishing combination of beauty and intelligence had, back in the sixties, stunned and off-balanced me in my latter years at the school.

Memory is a hostile country, full of bogs and gummy-jawed monsters ready to suck your bones dry, and perhaps I should have known better with my 72 years’ experience. No, the one thing you do learn is that you never learn. But that is to jump ahead of myself.

I had planned the trip carefully, or so I thought. Later in the day I was to meet a dear friend in London as a prelude to a week of companionable fun in Bruges, so I had first to travel to the overnight hotel to deposit my bag. Then, I thought, it would be easy to find the Central Line and allow myself to be carried off eastwards to Wanstead Station.

Fate had other ideas. The train from Hertford was late and slow, and Chancery Lane Station was closed when the cabbie, after an unsolicited tour of King’s Cross, dropped me there. Eventually, a filthy underground train rattled its way to Wanstead Station and I surfaced, sweating, into a world that, scarily, no longer reflected my recollection. Even the Eastern Avenue seemed to have shifted as if some latter day Hercules had picked it up and shunted it sideways.

Trying to effect an air undaunted, I set off towards where I believed the School to have been when I left it last. Fortunately, it was still there or thereabouts, though now hemmed around by modern accretions in various stages of completion. I wondered if the roof still bore the painted inscription with which it had been decorated in my day.

I entered the building through the door that we students were never to use in the sixties, feeling immediately disobedient for doing so, and was greeted by a, to me at least, young male who had the air of a teacher of some standing. When the teachers start to look like their pupils you know you are old. He politely informed me that I had missed the lunch but could still register.

I realised that more than anything I wanted to revisit the corridor where I had spent my final hours at the school, perched alone and miserable, as I recalled, on a high window ledge overlooking the Quad. Getting there however was like trying to negotiate the one-way system of some great city. I confess that I found myself more than once going against the arrows, hoping not to be discovered. I found the corridor but where was the perchable window ledge? Had it just been an invention? The corridor had in my day given access to the gallery over the hall, from where, around 1968 I guess, paper aeroplanes were launched towards the stage in a competition organised by the briefly progressive Head, Mr Mackay. But it seemed the gallery was no more, replaced by IT suites. In my day, I recalled, IT amounted to hand punching buff-coloured cards.

Disorientated and not a little disappointed, I descended and went out into the cold air of late summer. There was the upper field, a lot smaller than it had seemed back then. Immediately I had an image of sports day and the efforts made by Mr Paish to control his small man’s rage before the parents as I dropped my discus during his militaristic display of synchronised throwing. A rare proud moment for me.

A band of kids were making a decent attempt at playing a rock anthem I didn’t think they should know but looking around there was nothing else there for me to relate to so I turned and went in search of the hall. Here was where all the memorabilia was laid out, some of which I still have after all these years. Looking around I realised that, at 72, I must be one of the younger people there, but they all seemed very happy.

Nobody I recognised, however. Certainly no Caroline. It brought a strange sense of relief. I could now leave this place finally and on even terms. As I made for the exit, feeling a bit like Cinderella as the clock struck twelve, I was offered a cupcake but had to decline because I could not see it surviving the Central Line back into London.

The teacher whom I had met on arrival was again at the door. I paused to exchange a few words, trying not to sound too sentimental or in any way critical of the changes. Our brief conversation was oddly comforting and I invited him to join me for a beer at The George, a place not available to us students back in the sixties any more than the Nightingale was until Caroline got to know Jon Butlin, the English teacher who liked to drink there. What a fine man he was. I would have liked to see him again.

I walked up the hill to the Green where I had stood so many times trying to pluck up the courage to tell Caroline how much I loved her. The Green seemed smaller too. I crossed it and, taking what remained of my life in my hands, negotiated the traffic and entered the George. Immediately I wanted to leave. It was no longer a place of shining Edwardian wonder but a loud and brassy hell-hole. I had one drink to steady my nerves and left.

It had been quite a daunting day and it was not over. But I was glad that I had made the effort. I do not expect to be around for the 200th. So I will record my thanks now. To all who made Centenary what it was and, as I at last feel able to recognise, to all those who looked after me and saw me through my time at the school. If I could not see it at the time, you were all, well almost all, fine and caring people and if I have a regret now it is that I failed to make the most of what you so wanted to offer me. Go well, all of you.

[chronicillnessfromateensmind]

My Life in Letters

Dear reader,

My life has been consumed with the notions and the anticipatory motions of inconclusive tests, and lifeless doctors offices, for the past four years. To deromanticize it, I have been begging and pleading with doctors and various professionals for four years; begging and pleading for at least one person to believe me.

If your life were a book, and you’d reach the teenage chapters, what would you expect? Well, I certainly had high expectations . Growing up I was obsessed with “coming of age” style movies. Most parts of my childhood were spent romanticizing and fantasizing about the kind of life, the kind of person I’d be when I was a teen. And I know it sounds silly, but to me all I ever wanted in life was to grow up. All I yearned for is a way to go to high school, make friends, attend parties, join clubs, and maybe even find someone to love. I know that no two teenage experiences are the same, but at least those people had the opportunity to be teenagers, I wasn’t given the option to have an all American high school experience. I wasn’t that lucky.

Your teenage years are meant to start out as a blank canvas, waiting for you to paint it with colors of experimenting, socializing, learning, growing, and self discovery. And while my canvas had hints of those colors too, it was unfortunately overshadowed by streaks of sorrow, agony, pain and grief.

We all understand how devastating and detrimental grief can be, but nothing can prepare you for the heartbreak that comes along with grieving the person you could’ve been. How gut wrenching it is to grieve lost experiences and stolen opportunities. How soul shattering it is to grieve the chubby-cheeked, blonde-haired child in me that died each time my voice was disregarded by someone in a white coat telling me there was nothing they could do to help me.

This isn’t a letter of hate directed towards any doctors or the medical community, no, this is a letter to raise awareness. Awareness for rare disorders, syndromes, diseases, chronic pain, and chronic illness is crucial in vocalizing the need for funding towards research. It’s crucial in attempting to improve access to treatment and getting the proper care for individuals. It’s crucial in shortening the diagnostic process, and it’s immensely crucial in ending the stigma that comes with living with one of these.

Awareness in general holds a special place in my heart; it’s one of my main motivations in life. It’s personal to me, for if the doctors around me understood the disorder I have, I wouldn’t have lost half a year paralyzed and bedridden when I was only 15 years old.

I think it’s safe to say living with chronic pain of any kind is awful, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. However, no one really mentions how painfully isolating it can be. To put it simply, living with chronic pain, chronic illness, is exhausting. It’s taxing, both mentally and physically. The average person doesn’t understand that chronic pain steals so much from you, and the fact I have come to that realization so young isn’t fair. I shouldn’t be battling eight separate diagnoses at seventeen. But I am.

There’s this feeling that comes and goes, that originates from the depths of me. A feeling I’m more acquainted with than the friends I grew up with. It’s beautifully tragic, magically horrific; it’s tear jerking, mind numbing hopelessness that is all consuming. I guess that’s part of why I’m writing this letter, because finding a community that understands exactly what you’re going through; that relates to a mutual understanding of your experiences is incredibly validating, and helps ease that hopelessness just a little bit. Living with a rare disorder, disease, syndrome, chronic pain, chronic illness is extremely isolating, so when you find people who understand your pain, understand your sorrows, understand your grief, it’s a major relief.

I also wanted to write this to serve as a form of healing for me, because while I live with eight separate diagnoses , I am not them. You see, I was diagnosed with amplified musculoskeletal syndrome at 15. That same year I was diagnosed with Functional neurological disorder and chronic regional pain syndrome. A few weeks short of my 17th birthday I was diagnosed with post orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, a day later diagnosed with chronic fatigue. Fast forward a few months later, and I was diagnosed with chronic autoimmune urticaria; I’m currently undergoing tests to determine if I have hypermobility ehlers dohlers syndrome as well as mast cell activation syndrome.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t surrounded by the diagnostic process, and often more times than not wish I didn’t have to beg to get diagnosed in the first place. But when the anxiety clears, and the overthinking pauses, I realize that I’m not defined by my diagnosis.

Yes, they’re a part of me, but they aren’t me.

I am so much more than my disorder, than my disease, for I am creative and intelligent, compassionate and kind, resilient and optimistic, beautiful and wise.

Throughout these past four years of being in constant pain, sitting through countless doctors appointments, awaiting for the results of tens of inconclusive tests, feelings of pure hopelessness, fatigue, fear and anxiety. I have come to the conclusion that when you allow yourself to be defined by your diagnosis, that’s when you lose the battle to it.

I’ll never know the reason why you picked up this letter, perhaps you like the cover art. Or maybe, a friend recommended it; maybe you live with one of the conditions I have and are looking for someone to relate to. Whatever the case may be, I’m glad to have you here. My hope for you is to immerse yourself into my experience, and maybe learn a little on the way.

Happy readings,

Kenzie.

[huxleyfamilyvalues]

i ought to write about this at length, but my awful high school never made us read any classical novels with any mind for analysis. I remember reading excerpts of a Merchant of Venice at 14, a modern translation of Hamlet at 17, Of Mice and Men at 16... Catcher in the Rye at 13 and the Outsiders at maybe 12? The other books we read were, in no particular order, the boy in the striped pajamas, the notoriously fabricated Go Ask Alice, Divergent, the Maze Runner, the Hunger Games, the Breadwinner (which they were teaching to a grade 8 class after I had already read it for school in SIXTH GRADE)... In each and every case, these books, especially the classics, were not given any historical context, to the point where I don't think that the English teachers were very sure what exactly was so special about something as simple as the Outsiders or Catcher in the Rye, leaving us high and dry, unable to make connections and just eating up YA slop.

All this to say, I honestly think that people who grew up being forced to read classical literature to not know how good they've had it, how much I wish I had grown up in an environment where someone had the nerve to ask "why are the curtains blue?" And yes, absolutely I could have picked up Brave New World or 1984 when I was 16 and enjoyed it, but I think discussing literature in guided groups is a net positive for someone's development, definitely more than.... writing chapter summaries of what Beatrice or Katniss did in whatever book on a Q-card. I remember my grade 11 teacher would come in and put on the divergent movie for 2 weeks straight. Obviously there is an onus on me to have done more for myself, and im making up for it in spades now, but it doesn't change the fact that I find myself jealous of the learning environments other people had access to, even if it was garbage. Fuck the callouts, I would have had winston smith kin drama if I read that book in high school.

It makes me feel extremely juvenile to love books like BNW and 1984 so much because kids are essentially already "over it" but so many times it feels like having these books prescribed to you as a young person is maybe not a privilege but such a stark difference from the complete ignorance i grew up in. No one encouraged you to read classic literature. no one encouraged you to read, period. i am envious of people who were permitted an environment with which they had some freedom to exercise their critical thinking skills in some capacity.

Has no one else ever gone to a shitty high school where they don't care about literature or history or like anything that makes life worth living? It's so dry and isolating and awful.

There's also the idea that maybe i wouldn't have understood the basics of these books to begin with if i had read them in high school bc i had no context and I was pretty stupid, or at least not confident in my takes. so i guess in that respect i should be glad i had the opportunity to read these books now that im older. But i remain, i'm jealous of the formative experiences lost. I'll just be on Aldous's dick as a 30 yr old.

[green-enby]

Languages, and Pride flags!! (I'm always so happy when I get to talk about this, thanks for giving me this opportunity :'D [open mouth smile with tear emoticon]).

I'm Italian and fluent in English, and I've been extremely interested in Japanese ever since I was like 11.

I just find its writing system absolutely gorgeous, and the way it sounds is also beautiful, plus its grammar is fascinatingly simple! It was the first language I'd encountered that had such little declension, and the way verbs worked got me even more hooked on it.

I'm currently studying Japanese and Mandarin Chinese in uni, plus I've been teaching myself LIS (Italian Sign Language) via the website spreadthesign and a few grammar playlists.

Sign languages are really really cool. They double as being fun to learn, and being an accessibility tool! Plus, it just feels useful to me to learn how to communicate without using my voice, because sometimes talking is a bit too stressful; I wish we were taught sign languages in school so anyone could sign with eachother whenever they preferred to, and most importantly Deaf people would feel less isolated from the hearing world.

(LIS grammar in particular is surprisingly similar to Japanese, having a SOV structure and little declension! What a happy coincidence for me!)

I've also recently picked up Spanish and French (already studied French for 3 years in middle school), because what's the point of trying to be a polyglot if I don't learn the easiest languages to learn from Italian lol?

Learning a language is so rewarding, it makes me feel smart whenever something clicks in my head. The more languages I start studying, the easier the process becomes, because I start to see more and more connections between things.

As for Pride flags, I don't know why I have a special interest in them, I guess I like that they're simple and colourful??

I've recreated as many as I could find on my phone in high quality, and I actually have a sideblog where I am slowly posting them (with explanations for the identity they represent, for ease of coming out). Won't link it cause it's still too empty for my liking.

folks with special interests/hyperfixations NOT related to media (book series, tv shows, movies, etc), what are they and what do you like about it?

[embryonikz]

not necessarily a vent im just rambling / info dumping

every building and home deserves to have solar power me thinks and we should all get free electricity.

towns need to be rebuilt with the concept of community in mind. as in, everything should be within walking distance. people should not have to be reliant on cars in order to go places or hang out with people. building with a reliance on cars discourages community and people end up staying in their houses more often.

public transport options should also be more available. it would be a huge help to people who do not have the money for a car, or are in some way disabled and cant drive one.

free healthcare duuur every other country does it and people should be able to feel like they can sincerely rely on hospitals without worrying about going bankrupt.

people should be allowed to get out of work if they are sick. its fucked up that it is considered "vacation days" if you are sick, or you can get fired for being sick.

if possible i think nature should be integrated into everyones lives. there is evidence that living in "concrete jungles" devoid of any natural life increases mental illness. nature is literally healing it releases relaxant chemicals and it makes us feel more calm and secure. everyone should be able to have close access to nature. its just healthier.

<o >___< o>

i mean i guess im saying obvious stuff but i just feel like as the human species we are most certainly capable of making the world a better place for everyone and people in power choose to create road blocks for it because of their greed for money.

the reason why we are so reliant on cars is BECAUSE it was intentionally built that way. you need a car to get to work, or to go to the store, etc. so now everyone has to buy a car and buy gas constantly. its messed up because, other modes of transportation should be available.

i cant drive a car im so deathly afraid and anxious about it i do not think i can ever be capable of driving without being on a 24/7 high anxiety mode with a million intrusive thoughts about getting into a car crash. like i genuinely think if i were forced to drive a car id faint from how mentally taxing it is i cant do it.

i wish i could take trains instead man.

i feel like the education system needs a change too i mean we all know it does. its stressful but i also think it can be genuinely traumatizing. idk how id change it specifically but i think one change is probably getting teachers to learn about mental health and how to interact with that.

in my personal experience teachers have harassed me more than my peers ever had. the bullies i had were my teachers. they were the ones that would gossip about me, embarrass me in front of the class, punish me unfairly, etc. i genuinely feel it should be a requirement to know how to treat people fairly and with kindness in order to be a teacher.

i also think people need to recognize abuse going on at home better. so many teachers think that its the fault of the student instead of considering that maybe the reason they are struggling is due to a fucked up home life. instead i got teachers who would threaten kids to call their parents even if they knew those kids got abused at home.

school isnt meant to feel like a prison. its essentially another form of raising your child. it takes up a significant portion of someones life and developmental ages.

also in general shouldnt intersex education just be common place? that should be apart of health classes, as a requirement. it would help out so many people, like getting proper medical treatment earlier and having less stigma surrounding it.

i genuinely think its fucked up people are trying to push the whole "there is only 2 sexes" thing when intersex people literally exist. the hormones and biology are different, and can effect someones mental health or physical health. its so important for people to know and for doctors to know as well.

honestly idk what schools are doing now a days cuz i dropped out but i feel like mental health classes and group therapy should also be a requirement? people should be educated on why they may think the way they do, etc. less stigma, more awareness. i feel alot of good can come from it. teaching STOP skill, grounding techniques, meditation, etc. kind of the stuff they teach in PHP and IOP? like god it would literally be so helpful if this stuff was common place like, escpecially since not everyone can afford therapy. so if it was a common thing at school i feel would help so much. and it shouldnt be graded either it should literally just be like, you take what you want out of it. its here to help you.

idk i think if alot of things werent graded and were taught in a way that gives you more flexibility... itd be alot more fair and helpful? it should be about teaching you stuff because it matters in your life, not because of a grade.

and if someone is struggling to do certain classes, rather than be punished it should be a opportunity to figure out why. do they have low vitamin d levels? maybe thats why they are so fatigued and tired all the time, and struggle to do things. maybe they have a undiagnosed mental illness, and need medication. maybe stuff is bad at home and its effecting how they are at school.

like i feel like these things should matter too! education should be about helping people not forcing people. it should be flexible in a way that benefits each student and their needs.

also preferably id wish they taught stuff that i actually need to know in my life like how to do taxes, how to apply for a job, how to make appointments, etc. basic life skills. job centers help with this stuff but i feel like schools should really do this instead of random ass required tests about random trivia.

ok i am all over the place so i switch topics alot sorry LOL. i really do feel like what they do in behavioral health / mental health places should be put into schools as well i just genuinely feel like it would help so many people out. it would educate so many people and an entire generation of people on really important things.

whenever id go to PHP or IOP i always met people who never knew what was going on with them for years or decades because they str8 up were never taught. so much pain could be avoided or decreased if people knew more.

i wish community was something people valued and cared about more. some people do not have family they can go to for support (i only have my dad but once he is gone there is literally 0 family i can go to cuz i either dont know them or they are abusive). i wish i could be in a town where everyone knew eachother, everyone helped eachother out. i wish places could feel more like communities or big families.

kindness and empathy in general is so important and i wish it was encouraged and taught.

when my dad dies i wish i could be surrounded by people who could help me through things.

there is a chance my thoughts are naive, but i do think if gardens were more common place that would be really cool. there might be issues that i am unaware of though like, how would animals / pests be controlled? how many people are able to physically do that stuff? money costs? idk. i believe in cuba alot of people have gardens because of history where at a time it was necessary for survival.

i guess itd be hard to get an entire country into doing gardening i mean its alot of work. it would be interesting to live in that type of culture though. one that encourages community, hard work, sharing. im starting a garden with my dad and we plan on giving out food to the neighbors. helps people get outside more as well, see eachother more, talk to eachother more.

its just a nice concept to me the idea that people can feed themselves with their own food they grown or help feed their neighbors.

again maybe i am overlooking things i am unaware of !!!! and im here just fantasizing about something like a fairytale but idk!!!!!!!

i should stop talking so much i just wish the world was a better place. healthier mentally and physically. i wish it was a more empathetic place. i wish people could get help more easily. i want more people to love living and love life. i want people to feel less alone. nobody asked to be born but since were here i want everyone to feel okay. that is my wish.

[sonicasura]

You bet. Neither Mina nor Kafka pushed Rebo much in those early years together, only when needed. Like his therapy sessions or going to the doctor. Over time, Reno slowly healed and becomes the boy we know in canon.

Its a good thing that Mina earns a big salary, she has a very high posison in her work place. It allows her a big two story house with three guest rooms, two bathrooms and a spacious yard big enough for a tiger enclosure. And then some, like a garage for any vehicle she might need. The house was honestly a little too big for Kafka and her, but it came at a great price and both she and her kaiju needed more space as their pervious place had become too small.

The naborhood is pretty nice as well, with good nabors and access to a market and various shops in good walking distants. A few parks and schools are also nearby too.

Reno ends up attending one of these schools after he is adopted by Mina, once he is done for that school year of his old one that is. He has about a month or two left so Mina did not mind getting Reno to and from that school at all. Hell, sometimes it was Kafka who would walk Reno and get him from the school when Mina can't. Kaijus can't nor are allowed to learn how to drive, not that Reno minded as the walks with Kafka was always fun.

He also like his new room very much. Mina allowing the boy to decorate it as he wish. Which incluced a small shirne for his deceased family and various items from his old home. It has plenty of space too, which is good as once 6 comes into the odd family Reno will make a special space for 6 to be in when the young kaiju needed space and alone time.

Reno also starts to learn how to do house chores as well, wanting to not be a burden for his new family. Its a common thing that even if you household has a kaiju pet, there is no excuse to not learn how to do chores and cook on your own. Its through pure luck that you aquire a kaiju pet, so even if you don't want to you need to be able to do things on your own and hope lady luck is kind to you.

And even with a kaiju pet, there are always some chore that it can't do one way or the other, so even then you can't become a lazz bum even if you wanted to. Also, kaijus can't fill taxes or other important documents either so that is all on you. Nor get a job for that matter.

Then a the age of 11, Reno finds 6 in a bad state on his way back home. The young kaiju having several large wounds on it and looks just exhausted. Not to mention thin as all hell as it is clear 6 has not been eating well. Reno takes 6 and runs back in a panic, lead to Mina taking both Reno and 6 to the vet as soon as she sees what the boy has in his arms.

Kafka is very stressed the whole time those two are gone. His instincts warring with itself after seeing the injuired whelp and the look of fear on Reno's face. It dosen't take a genius to guess that Reno might be reacting a bit more then usual given what happened to him 5 years ago. The boy is still in therapy, albit not as much as it used to be when 6 is found.

Bakko tries to destress Kafka a bit, by mostly demanding the kaiju to give him pets and brushes. Which helps distracting the kaiju until his two humans are back, with Reno in Mina arms. The boy looks more sad the scared this time though.

6 needs to stay a few weeks at the vet to recover, and Reno without fail visit the kaiju whenever he can. Both Mina and Kafka only need to share one look to know what is going on and both begins to prepare for having a second kaiju in the house.

I figured there were some things that kaiju weren't allowed to do but driving definitely wasn't on the list. Mainly because Kafka would look badass riding a motorcycle. Oh well.

No. 6 probably reminded Reno of his own helplessness back with his own family. It would make sense for such an intense attachment to form. Thankfully the house is big enough for another addition.

[hannahwatcheshorror]

IT'S A WONDERFUL KNIFE (2023)

Clever wordplay to reuse the title and plot of It’s a Wonderful Life in such a way. They got a little messy with the magic and the plot twisting at the end but it was a pretty fun movie all around. Spunky teens learn the true meaning of Christmas (blood and gore) thanks to an evil angel, it is a wild ride for sure.

⭐⭐⭐.5

(Trigger Warning Suicidal Ideations)

I thought our killer was going to be a white knight, a Christmas Avenger, but the first person he kills is the grandpa who doesn’t want to sell his land! Oh, ‘cause it is the evil mayor, this is turning into a Scooby Doo caper, he even kills the granddaughter so the land can’t go to her! Her best friend is gonna get some retribution in frying the mayor with a car battery but that won’t bring the granddaughter back. Skip forward a year and everyone is trying to move past it except the best friend because she almost died in the massacre which is a very fair reason to be grumpy!

Winnie (the best friend) is having a tough time adjusting and the people around her are NOT making it easier so she makes a wish about never having existed and POOF! The Angel Killer as he is so affectionately named is back in business killing and killing because Winifred was never there to stop him. His kill count went from about five (5) to 25. She attempts to go to her folks for help but she was never born so they don’t know her and besides, they are wrecked with grief because their only son was killed by the Angel since Winnie wasn’t there to save him.

Winnie befriends the school weirdo who is totally game for a mystical, magical adventure which is very true of weirdos, I can confirm we LOVE a quest. Anyway, Bernie is Winnie's new friend and she has access to the local cinema which is boss as hell and they need to escape there because the killer comes for them that night! Ah! In the morning they attempt Winnie’s family again and it only makes her father more angry and we find out the twist which is that her daddy went baddie after his only son died and killed for his boss I guess? Weak, I mean, wack. He kills the alternate universe mama and goes after the aunt (played by Scream Queen Katharine Isabelle) who is now on our side but dies very quickly.

The girls are able to best daddy dearest but this isn’t enough to make the magic aurora stronger  for Winnie’s wish so they need to also kill the original Angel killer who is the Mayor and he has the town under a magic spell of sorts that breaks when he gets murdered by Bernie (which was pretty badass of her). Then the aurora is strong enough and Winnie wishes away but not before the girls share a cute kiss. Waking up in her bedroom, Winnie is happy to find her family the way it was left before her original wish, alive. She remembers Bernie all alone and rushes to her rescue and magically Bernie remembers everything! Okay. 

The movie really fell apart near the end, it had magic that was selective, the plot twist I thought was weak, and just in general threw in that Winnie and Bernie were in love instead of best friends which I thought was cute but I love a BFF storyline (sue me).

----------------------HANNAH WATCHES HORROR---------------------

[blackvahana]

personal ramblings

No birthday wishes please, ignore I said anything about it, but uh as context today's my birthday

Lev got me a necklace, a stone in it... Im really not good at channelling this. Honestly Im infinitely grateful for how he gave it to me, he passed it to me in a box and said happy birthday and left so I could open it in private. Ngl I have been. infinitely stuck in terms of progress because I have a lot of expectations on me regarding clear sight, astral prowess, and so on, so my senses are constantly shut down so I dont get things (Cant go wrong if you dont go!)... he gave me time to sniff it, figure it out for myself, and when I was still having trouble he came to me and gently explained. bless him lmfao

But anyway. Its... Im not going to question what exactly its made from yet, but its for storing and accessing memories. Its slowly integrating itself with me, allowing me to actually remember where Ive been, and. so on. I think its more so allowing me to just parse memories in the subconscious and unconscious minds - or I guess allowing me to parse them more naturally and less confined to the instantaneous recall.

I. admittedly. uh. Memory is a bad topic for me. I dont want to remember any of my life, nor recent past lives on Gold's side. I dont really remember much of it anyway. Im forced to remember school and living in the place Ive trauma from nightly, nightly for years. The five years I was living with the twins... I couldnt remember my own name, where Id been that day or any days prior, i had no memory. I had no memory of steps id taken, what the house and room i was in looked like when it wasnt in view - and even when it was in view id have patches of it being completely foreign to me - and so on and so forth. It was... horrible, uh, the years after school. From age 14 onwards going from an As student down further and further to the point i couldnt pick up any hobbies or any skills or learn anything about fucking anything because i wouldnt remember even if i managed to be able to read more than a sentence - dissociation so strong i was blacked out most of the time if we're talking about memories

My life is dictated by... having to remember, carrying memories i cant access, and trying to forget. Having to remember as in i need to wake up the parts of myself that are my unincarnated selves - the energy lines to them - and how to do what i do and... so on. and then im sure you get the latter two. Im holding this and... I havent had a natural relationship with memories and memory since i was... 17. I am now no longer 27. I am 28. I have left the decade of hell and now hold the choice to remember

because thats what this is about, he wants me to remember the good things i do, which i never can. I write endlessly here about being shocked xyz thing happened and that i did this and that and then blank, and keep presuming i am powerless, talentless, never succeeding in anything. Ive lately been trying to remember and see myself differently, allowing rereading past posts where im surprised Ive achieved things as I remember doing them to inform a different reading and interpretation of who i am.. but. you know. its one thing to walk through life being forced to have faith in your own faltering feet, blindfolded and always bumping into everything, and another to be able to take in your surroundings and use the memory of what youve seen to inform the world. As in: I struggle to remember that where i am is somewhere ive been, who the people around me are, where they go when i cant see them. if i could just. remember...