#i kinda teared up when searching for a pic for this post and thinking about this generally though aughh

[forestlovesyou]

might be kinning Tohya but in a trans allegory way like

"Someone died in me who isn't me and sometimes i feel like it's a 'her or me' situation where i'm scared for my own right to exist, but other times i feel like she's the ghost of a poor girl who deserves to be comforted and put to rest"

[aurorawritestoescape]

THE OTHER BROTHER

Johnny Miller (Joel’s twin) x f!reader | Joel Miller x f!reader

Summary: you’re in love with your neighbor Joel but he doesn’t notice you. After another failure to get his attention, someone unexpected offers their help - Joel’s twin brother, Johnny.

Tw: 18+ mdni, smut, angst, twin au, age gap (Joel and Johnny are in their 30s, reader is in her early 20s), pining, unrequited love, heartbreak, hurt/comfort/hurt/comfort?, virginity loss, insecure reader, soft Johnny, praise kink, size kink, f!oral, breast play, unprotected piv (wrap it up), belly bulge, aftercare, kinda hopeful ending. Pics are only for the mood, reader has no physical description but she wears a dress.

Word count: 7,6 k

A/n: Kate, are Joel and Tommy not enough for you?! Nope, I need one more Miller bro!! I was inspired by Aly’s/ @iamasaddie post and Mina’s / @evolnoomym comment💕💕 Idk whose edit it is, lmk if you do, so I could send my kudos. That edit did something to me. Hope y’all will like the story!💖 Kisses to @milla-frenchy for betaing💋 Dividers by @/saradika-graphics

MASTERLIST

You walked into Joel’s backyard with hope, carrying you on its wings, and excitement, twisting your stomach. A cute summer dress, open sandals, accessories— everything had been planned out and thought over lots of times beforehand. It was your chance to get him to notice you, to finally see you as a woman and not only as his neighbors’ daughter.

You had attended Joel’s barbecues every summer since a few years back when your family had moved on that street. Almost instantly you had fallen in love with your middle aged neighbor Joel. He was handsome, funny, polite, very charming and on top of everything a single parent. Joel seemed to be a wonderful father. You weren’t friends with Sarah, but it wasn’t hard to notice the way they connected. They had that heartwarming father-daughter bond that you and your dad for some reason had never had.

You couldn’t think of anyone else but him. You had thought that leaving for college might have helped but it hadn’t. No one could compare to the perfect Joel Miller. Unfortunately you were just a girl for him. He was always polite and warm but his gaze would always slide over you. You had been crying and yearning for his love for years but it had felt as unreachable as the stars over your head. Unattainable dream.

Thinking that you had nothing to lose, you decided to try your luck once more. You had come back home for a summer break, and after a long time away from your parents you felt mature and confident enough to make Joel notice you. So you stepped into his backyard with a set goal in your mind—to win Joel Miller’s heart.

You found your parents among the other guests and joined them, before searching the backyard for a pair of beautiful brown eyes. Of course Joel was handling the grill. Butterflies in your stomach swirled in excitement, your heartbeat increased but the initial joy of seeing the man of your dreams evaporated instantly, when you noticed that he wasn't alone. His strong arm was wrapped around a waist of a beautiful woman. She was laughing and talking to him, and when Joel leaned down to gently kiss her lips, your heart shattered into a million pieces.

"What's wrong, honey?"

You tried to control your emotions when you heard your mom's voice but it was next to impossible. Upcoming tears squeezed your throat, your lower lip began trembling.

You shook your head and hastily turned away from the sight that set your butterflies on fire - the love of your life was kissing another woman.

“I’m ok,” you lied. “just something in my eye.”

You tried to cover your tears with your hand, and your mom stepped up closer to you, about to offer help but suddenly you heard a deep voice to your right.

“Hey. Don’t think we’ve met.”

Wetness was coating your eyes, distorting your sight, and you barely glanced at the man, who came up to your parents and you, and mumbled,

“Excuse me... I need…need to use the bathroom.”

You rushed away, your parents calling after you but you didn’t stop. You were full on crying.

You ran through Joel’s kitchen and hall and rushed to your house.

You were walking up the stairs of the porch when you heard someone shout behind you,

“Hey, wait!”

You turned around, wiping the tears away with the back of your hand, and what you saw made your jaw drop. Or rather who you saw.

It was Joel. At least you thought so at first. The man looked exactly like your crush but he was dressed differently— Joel whom you had seen five minutes ago was wearing a dark tee while his doppelganger had a plaid green shirt on with a white tee underneath. But the most striking difference was his hair- he had a short buzz cut contrary to Joel’s dark curls. His hair was lighter than his twin’s, just like his eyes.

The stranger came up to you slowly, his expression full of concern and sympathy. You were so flabbergasted that you forgot to hide your reddened eyes and wet face and were staring at the man with your mouth agape.

“I’m Johnny. Joel’s brother. I wanted to make sure ya fine.”

You continued staring at the man, completely lost for words and he talked again,

“I’m his twin brother,” he added, noticing your surprise. “I guess he doesn’t talk much about me, huh?” The stranger smiled as you shook your head.

“Wanna sit down?”

He motioned to the porch bench and you should have probably said ‘no’ and gone to your room to cry your eyes out but a few last minutes were so surreal and emotional that you couldn’t think straight anymore. You nodded. The man followed you there, took a seat at a respectable distance from you, his body turned to you slightly. You were staring at your hands, not sure what to talk about with your new acquaintance.

For a few moments you two were sitting in silence until you remembered the way Joel had been looking at the woman and a pathetic sob crawled up your throat.

“I don’t like her either,” Johnny said and your teary eyes snapped up at him.

“Hm?”

“His new girl. Too bossy. I’m not a fan.”

“I -I don’t… ’don’t like her’. I don’t know her at all,” you croaked.

“Yeah, but you like him, right?”

Your stomach dropped and you faked an awkward laugh, shaking your head.

“No, no, I don’t.”

“Quit lyin’, girl. I’m not dumb. I saw you waltz in there with a happy smile and then when you saw them...Damn, poor thing. Unless you’re in love with her but—,” he chuckled and you hastily shook your head again, waving your hands in protest.

“I don’t love him, oh my god!”

“Ok, ok. Keep denyin’ it. You can watch him get married and have a bunch of kids then.”

When you heard his words your heart froze and, not being able to hide your feelings, you broke into tears, covering your face with your hands.

“Fuck.” The man immediately scooted closer to you and placed his arm around your shoulders.

“’m sorry, sweetheart. I’ve been harsh. Maybe I’m a fool and you just had a bad day, that’s all.”

“No, no, you’re right. I do! I do love him,” you confessed in between sobs.

For a few moments you were crying and Johnny was rubbing your arm with his big hand until he spoke softly,

“You seem like a nice girl. Beautiful, sweet. Have you tried makin‘ him interested?”

You raised your teary eyes at the man and for some weird reason you admitted to him that you had fallen in love with Joel a long time ago but he had never noticed you.

“My brother sounds like an idiot. Look at you. You’re hot, baby.”

You smiled and dropped your eyes.

“And your smile is fuckin’ gorgeous.”

You felt warmth spread in your belly when the man put his finger under your chin and tilted your head up to face him.

You looked at him attentively, taking in every feature of his familiar yet novice face, and noticed that he was as handsome as Joel. His skin was more tan and his eyes were lighter, a mixture of hazel and green, and your heart fluttered at his beauty.

“Do you wanna get ‘im?”

Now it was your turn to laugh.

“Get him?”

“Yeah. First you need to make him notice you.”

“But he has a girlfriend,” you mumbled with defeat ringing in your words.

“So? She ain’t his wife. He can dump her whenever.”

You were quiet.

“Listen. I can get you into this house. Into his life. He’ll see you often and I bet he’ll notice the fuck out of such a hottie.”

You felt your cheeks heat up when you glanced at him and asked,

“How would you do that?”

The man winked at you with a twinkle of mischief in his eyes.

“Let’s pretend that you and I are going out.”

You giggled, thinking it was a joke, but Johnny kept talking and you realized that he was absolutely serious.

“I’m stayin’ with him right now. We’ll spend a lot of time in his house. He’ll notice you and then fall in love with you in no time.”

“I’m not sure he will. I’m too shy,” you admitted.

“He loves shy girls. And even if you ain’t very talkative. Damn, look at you. You’re hot. And I’ll wingman the fuck out of you.”

“Really?”

“Of course. Brothers share everything. Like, “Bro, yesterday she rocked my world. Her mouth’s heaven. And then she rode me! Damn, she’s the best I ever had. See?”

You were blinking at him with an open mouth and burning up cheeks. When you heard his filthy words you couldn’t help but gush into your panties. Johnny didn’t seem to hold back.

“He’ll be hard over you immediately.”

You furrowed your brows and asked,

“But isn’t there a bro code or something? that you can’t date your brothers’ ex girlfriends?”

“Nah, we don’t follow that.” Johnny waved away your concerns with his big hand. “We dated the same girls all the time in school. What’s good for me’s good for him, right?”

You didn’t know what to think. Johnny's idea was crazy but all of his arguments made a lot of sense. And you were desperate.

“Ok. We can try I guess,” you said, nervously fumbling with the hem of your dress.

“Fuck yeah we can!”

He gave you a charming smile and you smiled back, feeling a little better.

“But my parents can’t know, ok? I’ll tell them I’m with friends.”

“No problem. It’s fake anyway so no reason to make ‘em worry. But—,” he paused, his expression turning serious, — If we want it to work, we need to spend time together beforehand. It’ll help you to get comfortable around me, yeah? to make it believable.”

You nodded, trying to understand what he meant by ‘spend time’.

“Wanna do it now? Let’s hang out in your room. For some time.”

“Aren’t they gonna look for you?” You asked, glancing back at Joel’s house.

“I’m a big boy, baby, I don’t need to tell anyone where I’m goin’.” Johnny replied with a wink.

“Oh yeah, right.”

You got up and headed to the door. Your accomplice followed you, and when you were walking upstairs, you turned to him.

“Johnny, if my parents come early, they can’t see you ok?”

“No problem, I’ll hide in a closet,” he chuckled and gave you another wink.

When you entered your bedroom, Johnny looked around and took his flannel off. He was standing in the middle of your room, white tee stretched over his broad chest, his muscles bulging out of the short sleeves. He rolled them up, exposing more of his arms, and you swallowed loudly. He was bigger than Joel and in your small room he looked so huge and tall, that you felt your core burn.

“Cosy,” Johnny said, walking to your bed and plopped on it unceremoniously. He leaned his back against the headboard, his booted feet hanging off the edge. You were staring at him awkwardly, not knowing if you should sit next to him. Getting on the bed with practically a stranger was not something you could do easily.

So you sat down on a chair by your desk.

"Nah-uh. Get over ‘ere, bunny." He shook his head and patted the space next to him on the bed.

"Ehm... I don't know."

"Jesus, I don't bite. You need to get used to bein’ close to me. Joel isn't stupid. He'll sense that something's fishy if you're skittish like that."

You couldn't deny that he was right. So you came up to the other side of the bed and settled next to him.

"Wanna tell me a bit about yourself, beautiful?" he asked, flashing you a charming smile.

You felt your cheeks burn but after a moment of hesitation, you began telling him about your hobbies, your friends and your plans after graduation. He didn't interrupt you. He asked a few questions but mostly he was just nodding, listening to you attentively. A few times his gaze slid down to your lips, your cleavage, your naked legs, crossed at the ankles.

His eyes were leaving a pleasant heat in their wake until your whole body lit up and a constant warmth settled between your legs. Your pussy was tingling only from you being next to your new acquaintance, hearing his scent, masculine and enticing, seeing him smile at your words. His hazel eyes were getting darker the longer you talked, the more he looked at you.

“What about you, Johnny? What do you do?” You asked, wishing to learn more about the man you were about to fake date.

He averted his eyes and rubbed his scruffy cheek.

”It’s complicated, baby. I’d tell you if you were my girlfriend. For real I mean. But —.” He looked at you with an apologetic smile.

“Oh,” is all you could say in return, blinking at him.

“I can tell you that I travel a lot. ‘s prolly why we’ve never met. I can’t often visit Joel and Sarah.”

It got silent in the room for a moment except for the sound of birds’ chirping, coming through an open window.

“Do you wanna watch something?“ you asked, suddenly feeling awkward.

“Yeah, ‘k.” Johnny took his boots off and placed his feet on the bed. You marveled at how quickly he seemed to get comfortable but decided that he was just that easy-going.

You took your laptop and asked what he wanted to watch.

“Whatever you want, beautiful.”

You smiled at the compliment and your chest fluttered.

”We can watch The Office. It always relaxes me.”

“Yeah, I really wanna see you relaxed, bunny,” he smirked and you stuck your tongue out at him.

A few minutes later you were on the bed, shoulder to shoulder, watching a random episode of the Office that you put on.

Soon Johnny slid down the bedspread and placed his head on your pillow.

“C’mere,” he mumbled, pulling you down with him.

You didn’t know how and why you let him but soon his hand was wrapped around your shoulder and your head was resting on his broad chest.

He was warm and big and you felt your panties dampen more.

“I like that guy,” he commented after some time of watching.

“Ryan? He’s kind of a douche,” you giggled.

“Really?” Johnny hummed.

You continued watching the show, sometimes chuckling from time to time. Once Johnny absentmindedly bucked his hips up and your gaze involuntarily landed on a prominent bulge in his jeans. And then a few times on purpose.

Getting too turned on, you closed your eyes, trying to calm down the fire in your core. Unfortunately it got worse as without your eyesight your whole being concentrated on the strong arm resting heavily on you, on Johnny's scent, his steady, deep breathing.

“Baby?”

Johnny’s voice took you out of your horny trance and you hummed feeling your cheeks burn.

“Can you tell me something?”

“Yes?”

He sat up and you did the same, looking at him with confusion, trying to hide your arousal.

“Can you close your eyes and tell me if my voice is similar to Joel’s? People always answer differently. I wanna know what you think.”

You raised your brows.

“I can tell you right now. It’s similar. Very.”

“No, close your eyes, listen to it.”

You shrugged your shoulders and did what he asked, a little smile dancing on your lips.

“Hey, baby. You're very beautiful.” You smiled wider when you heard his gruff voice, squealing inside at the compliment.

”Thank you, Joel,” you laughed and added, “You sound just like him.” You opened your eyes but Johnny shook his head, motioning for you to shut them again. You did and heard the man sigh deeply.

“Ya know. I’ve been such a fool. I didn’t notice you before but now I see. How gorgeous you are. Crazy hot.”

Your smile vanished as you were listening to him, eyes closed, chewing on your lip. You had dreamed of hearing those words for such a long time that your heart could burst out of your chest at the moment.

“You have a girlfriend, Joel,” you whispered, playing along.

”She’s a mistake. Wish you could forgive me for not tellin’ you all this sooner… Wish I could rip this pretty dress off you and make you scream my name right now.”

Your breath hitched and a new surge of wetness made you squirm in your place.

“Wish I could kiss you right now.”

You instinctively wetted your lips, hearing his words, and the next second Johnny pressed his mouth to yours. You tensed up at first but in a second your body melted at the soft touch. Not opening your eyes, you tilted your head slightly to the side and parted your lips, inviting him in. Immediately Johnny’s tongue slipped inside and brushed yours, gently at first but then more assertively. He was swallowing your pleasured whimpers again and again as you were making out.

”Johnny, I can’t,” you murmured, pulling away and breaking the kiss.

You glanced at him and his expression took your breath away. He looked like he was ready to pounce on you any second. His eyes were burning with desire, lips glistened with your saliva and his broad chest was heaving, dangerously close to ripping his tee.

He visibly tried to calm himself down— he took a deep breath and then placed your hand between his.

“Yeah, fuck, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lost control like that.” His expression softened as his eyes were locked with yours.

“No, don’t be. It was nice but … but…”

You struggled to continue, the words got stuck in your throat.

Johnny’s eyes were darting between yours, as he was patiently waiting for you to continue.

Then you whispered, your voice barely audible, gaze downcast, “I’m a virgin.”

You expected any reaction but not the one he gave you.

“Fuck.”

Your eyes snapped up at him and tears immediately welled up in your eyes. Johnny looked straight up disappointed. He pulled away from you and your sob broke the icy silence in the room. You were always terrified to admit it to people, especially to men, and at that moment your worst nightmare was coming true.

“‘s bad,” Johnny mumbled, still not looking at you. “Shit.”

You were hurt but your pain quickly turned into anger.

“Please leave!”

As if finally having noticed your distress, Johnny turned to you, shaking his head.

“Oh fuck, no, no, I don’t mind. Shit. I think— it’s great—for whatever reason you—no. It’s Joel, baby.”

“What? What about Joel?” you asked, feeling a little better, when he took your hands in his and answered,

”He’s not a fan of virgins. Never was. He told me many times he didn’t want the responsibility of bein’ someone’s first.”

“Why?” You felt your heart shuttering again.

“Don’t know,” Johnny shrugged, ”I guess he prefers someone more experienced. Once he broke up with a girl when he found out she was a virgin.”

Now it was your turn to curse.

“Fuck.” You probably looked absolutely defeated and Johnny rapidly wrapped his arm around you to pull you to his torso.

You started silently crying on his shoulder, having realized that Joel would never love you, would never even give you a chance.

Johnny was rubbing your arm with his big warm hand while you were soaking his white tee with tears, until he said,

“You know, it’s not a big deal.”

You sniffed and sat up straight.

“What do you mean not a big deal?” your voice was shaky and small. “You’ve just said he hates virgins.”

Johnny lifted his hand to wipe your wet face with his thick fingers.

“Kinda easy to lose it, beautiful. Your v card.”

“No, it’s not. I wanted Joel to— to do it. I don’t want anyone else.”

You were pouting your lips, eyes reddened and teary staring at the man sitting close to you. In your blurry vision he looked even more like Joel.

”I can help you, bunny,” Johnny offered with a lopsided smile. He tilted his head to the side and waited for your reaction.

You swallowed loudly when you heard him and turned away. You couldn’t deny that Johnny was hot, your soaked panties were a good evidence of your desire for him but how could you do it with a man you had just met. Who wasn’t Joel.

Joel who had a girlfriend.

Joel who didn’t want to deal with virgins.

Joel who never noticed you.

You looked back at the twin brother of the man you loved and asked,

“Would you really do it for me?”

Johnny cleared his throat.

“Ehm… yeah, why wouldn’t I? You’re hot,” he said it so matter of fact-ly that it sounded sincere and you believed that he really wanted to help.

“Ok, good,” you said, with an air of uncertainty. “We can try but maybe not today, ok? We’ve just met,” you mumbled, fumbling with your fingers.

“Yeah. ‘Course,” Johnny smirked and then quickly added, “Did you like it when I kissed you?”

Not looking at the man you nodded.

“Want me to do it again?”

His question made your heart skip a beat. You had felt amazing when he had kissed you, your body reacted to him in a wonderful way and, after glancing up at his plush lips, you nodded the second time.

Johnny gently cupped your cheek and leaned towards you. His lips began caressing yours, your tongues tangled and, not breaking the kiss, you scooted closer to him on the bed. He read your intentions and pulled you into his big strong arms. His hand snaked up to the back of your head, the other was pressed to your lower back, keeping you close, as you were tasting him, feeling his heart thump against your chest. You were floating.

Soon his mouth slithered to your jaw and he nibbled on your skin there while his hands began roaming your body, gliding over your back, your arms until he squeezed your ass with his palms and you moaned into his mouth.

“Oh, baby, ya fuckin’ hot,” he groaned and you felt his lips suck a hickey into your neck while his hand snaked under your skirt. He engulfed your whole asscheek with his palm and your thin lacy panties easily let the heat of his skin seep through. You whimpered when the pads of his fingers glided down to your clothed pussy. Just one touch was enough for your brain to panic and you pulled away from him.

“Sorry, Johnny, it’s too much.”

You wanted to get off the bed, the whirlwind of emotions overwhelming you, but he grabbed you by the hand.

“Don’t leave. Please. Sorry, bunny. I went in too fast.“

You sat down on your heels, catching your breath and trying to calm down your foggy mind and burning up body.

“Let’s cuddle. C’mon. Jus’ wanna hold you.”

He returned your laptop to your desk and lay down on the bed that now seemed too small for his huge body. It made the whole situation even hotter.

A fear of the unknown and an immense desire were fighting in your heart, and you let the latter win, assuring yourself that you were just going to get used to him hugging you, so you could get close to Joel later.

That’s why you let him wrap his strong arms around you, let his face be inches from yours, let his hot breath fan your lips, let his scent intoxicate you. You were lying in his embrace for just a few moments before his lips found yours, and you didn’t fight it anymore, you welcomed their warmth.

He was more careful that time, slowly pulling you close to his body, but his hands didn’t wander. What was making you melt was his quiet words, seeping into your ears between kisses, barely audible through your soft whimpers, smacking of the lips and his breathing.

“Ya taste like honey—beautiful girl—Joel’s fuckin’ lucky—so pretty—could eat you whole, baby.”

Contrary to him, you were getting bolder and sent your hands roam his broad back, squeeze his masculine arms, glide over the slopes of his shoulders and then run through his short hair that pleasantly tickled your palms.

It was a matter of time before he slowly pushed you on your back and began kissing your neck. You tilted your head back into the pillow, giving him more access and he happily growled against your heated skin.

“Good girl,” you heard his praise and the ache of your pussy made you press your thighs together.

“Oh, Joe…Johnny,” you started and then hastily corrected yourself.

Johnny stopped nibbling on your collarbone and your heart froze, expecting him to get angry, but the man smiled at you.

“You can call me Joel, beautiful… to practice, yeah? Soon he’s gonna be the one kissin’ you.”

The suggestion sounded insane but in your aroused, overwhelmed with feelings state you let yourself imagine the man you loved caressing you with his lips. You fluttered your eyes shut and it was so easy to fantasize about Joel’s hand holding your hip and pressing you into the mattress, Joel’s lips peppering kisses along your neck and then going down, reaching the plush of your cleavage. Drowning in your fantasy you missed the moment Johnny’s chin pushed your neckline down, exposing more of your breasts. You rubbed your thighs against each other, chasing pressure on your tingling pussy, as his palm started kneading your tit over the fabric.

“Yeah, Joel,” you breathed out and didn’t stop yourself that time, fully succumbing to the want of your heart and body.

Your mind turned off completely, you were so gone in pleasure, that when you finally opened your eyes, to your surprise you saw Johnny’s hot tongue swirl around your pebbled nipple. A loud moan flew out of your parted lips as your hazy gaze took in the sight of your dress and bra pulled down and the man caressing your nipples, alternating between sucking and licking them, while your naked chest was heaving under his ministrations.

With his mouth almost engulfing your whole breast, Johnny glanced up at you and his blown out lustful eyes sent another bolt of arousal through your core.

“Johnny, please,” was all you could muster. He hummed into your tit before parting from it and searching for your glossy eyes.

“Do you like it when I do this?” He asked, his breath hitting your saliva coated skin, your nipples as hard as diamonds now. You mumbled a weak ’yeah’..

“Good. And have you ever had your pussy kissed, beautiful?”

You bit your lip, almost reaching your high just from hearing the question.

“No,” you whispered back and Johnny shot you a mysterious smile.

“Can I be the first, baby?”

“I— I don’t know,” you said hesitantly.

“C’mon, bunny. I wanna make you feel good. Wanna feel real good?”

The act seemed to you so intimate and vulnerable, just an idea of it made you anxious.

“Lil scared bunny,” he smiled and then wrapped his fingers around your naked breast, holding it in his hand. “Look.”

A second later his lips brushed your nipple again, his dark eyes locked with yours.

“Imagine the nipple is your little clit. I’ll jus’ lick it like that.”

His tongue stroked it, covering the sensitive bud in his saliva.

“Then I’ll suck on it like this.”

Johnny took it into his mouth and applied gentle suction to it.

“I’ll make you come so hard like that. It’s just another type of kissing, baby.”

You’ve never been turned on more than at that moment so after a few moments of consideration you shoved your fears away and whimpered,

“Ok.”

“Good girl.”

You hole clenched when you heard his praise. Johnny pulled the hem of his tee up and took it off.

Your breath hitched when you saw his strong chest and soft belly with a happy trail that led under his jeans. Johnny casually glided his hand over his strong torso and you bit your lip, not letting out another needy whimper.

“‘s getting too hot,” he mumbled and lay down between your thighs. His legs were hanging off the bed and you marveled at the muscles, flexing in his back and shoulders. You wondered if Joel’s body was as gorgeous as his twin brother’s. Of course it was, you thought.

The dress was still covering you and after a nod from you, Johnny lifted your skirt. Your hips flew up as if by themselves when he started sliding your panties off.

”Fuck, baby, this is the most beautiful pussy I’ve ever seen,” his soft voice praised you as you were lying in front of him, almost naked and trembling with nerves.

“Thank you,” you whispered back.

“Can’t wait to taste you.”

He spread your folds with his index finger and a thumb while his shoulders were keeping your thighs wider apart. Your pussy opened up to him like an offering.

“Pretty flower,” he commented and immediately did what he’d promised.

He licked your hardened clit, drawing a pathetic moan from you, and then lapped at it a few times. The sensations you were feeling were incomparable to anything you’d ever experienced. Your hand darted to your naked breasts and you began twitching your nipples.

“Fuck, yeah,” he mumbled against your sex and the vibrations sent shivers through your body.

Johnny smiled, having noticed your reaction, and began sucking on your bud, massaging it between his lips.

“Ahhh—oh my god—oh yeah,” was all you could mutter. When you were on the brink of ecstasy, his tongue slid down and snuck into your virginal hole. He began fucking you with it, spreading your walls with his flattened tongue and your needy screams, moans and whimpers filled the bedroom. You were sure that if someone was passing by your house, they’d hear the sounds of your pleasure but your mind was switched off, only the bliss between your legs and the man giving it to you mattered at that moment.

You tried to grab his hair but it was too short to hold on to so your palm pressed onto the back of his head as you were greedily holding Johnny's mouth against your pussy.

“Fuckin’ delicious. Can’t believe I’m first.”

With your glossed over gaze you watched him return his tongue to your throbbing clit and stroke it a few times, until your eyes rolled back and a hard orgasm exploded like fireworks inside your core, sending hot waves of euphoria through your body.

Johnny didn’t stop lapping at you until you tried to close your legs, the ache of overstimulation burning you.

He sat up and wiped his wet chin with the back of his hand, the other hand splayed over your thigh, gently rubbing it.

“Look at you, beautiful. Came hard for me, huh? Jus’ like I promised.”

He smiled at you, visibly pleased with your almost drunk post-orgasmic state. Your tits were out and slightly pushed up by the neckline, nipples puffy from his and your caress, your summer dress bunched up around your waist, your glistening pussy fully on display.

While your eyes were admiring the beauty of his features, so similar to Joel’s, you failed to notice his hands unzipping his jeans and pulling them down.

Your gaze darted to the lower part of his body when you spotted a movement there— his hard cock bobbing over your naked cunt.

It was long, quite thick, with a fat tip that was oozing clear precum. He stroked the shaft a couple of times with his big hand and grunted, “ya wanna make me feel good too, baby?”

As if by an instinct your thighs opened up wider, inviting him inside you, your mind clouded by lust.

“Yes, Johnny.”

“Nah, baby, call me Joel,” he gruffed as he bent down, planted his hands on the bed, next to your shoulders and added, ”I know you wanna. And I ain’t against role playing.”

“Really?”

“Sure, bunny.”

It was wrong. And so hot at the same time. You giggled, sound strained by the nerves, twisting your stomach. He was big and you had never imagined your first time happening with a man you’d just met. Yet your pussy was screaming to be pierced with a cock. His cock. You’d never been turned on that much in your life and you gave in to the temptation without a second thought.

His lips found yours at the same time his tip nudged your hole, and when his tongue slipped into your mouth, the head of his cock pushed assertively into you.

He swallowed your whine and paused, hovering over your face, your eyes locked.

“Shit, ya tight. But we can do it, yeah, bunny?”

”It hurts, Johnny.”

“Shhh, not Johnny, remember? C’mon, it’ll help you relax.”

“Joel.”

“Yeah, good girl.”

As if the name of the man you loved was magical, you walls relaxed a little, letting in a few inches of his brother’s manhood.

Johnny planted a light kiss on your lips and you felt his thumb graze your clit before he began gently rubbing it.

“Close your eyes, beautiful, let my cock taste your sweet cunt.”

“Oh, fuck, Joel,” you moaned, fully lost in the fantasy, and squeezed your eyelids shut.

“Now breathe. Big breaths, bunny.”

He was whispering praise into your ear, distracting you from the dull pain of the stretch, slowly pushing his length in while his thumb was swirling around your clit.

“Like that, beautiful—yeah, tight little cunt— the tip’s in—good, so good—a little more, baby—my good girl—fuck, it’s almost in—-YEAHHH..”

His triumphant growl mixed with your loud moan when his balls hit your ass and you felt full like never before.

As soon as he sheathed his manhood inside your warm tight cunt, your lips locked, and while your tongues were sliding against each other, you were trying to get used to the feeling of something so long and thick stuffed inside you.

Your walls soon accommodated his cock and the pain slowly dissipated, giving way to pleasure.

“Ima be gentle, baby,” Johnny promised, after breaking the kiss, and languidly rolled his hips into yours. The sensation of his big member moving inside your tight channel made you tilt your head back into the pillow and open your lips in a silent moan.

He didn’t lie. With one hand planted on the bed, the other playing with your clit, he was sliding his cock in and out of your sopping pussy, slowly but surely bringing you closer to the peak. Your greedy hands danced over the slopes of his strong chest, fingers digging into his biceps, nails leaving white marks on his tan skin.

“Yes, Joel—please—so good, Joel,” you were whispering, letting your broken heart believe that the man you had always dreamed about was between your legs at that moment.

Johnny’s greedy eyes couldn’t get enough of you- your lustful expression, your tits bouncing with each thrust, your folds, spread around his base.

“Ya have the wettest pussy, baby. Soakin’ me so good. Look at all that cream.”

With hazy eyes you watched him swipe his thumb over the base of his cock, coated in your pearly juices, and bring it to his lips. He took the finger in his mouth and hummed in pleasure.

Your tongue slid over your lower lip and, taking it as an invitation, Johnny kissed you, sharing the taste of your desire.

You were melting under his unhurried thrusts, but your core needed more and, too shy to ask for it, you began meeting his hips halfway, fucking yourself on his cock harder.

“Mmm, bunny wants more?” Johnny smirked into a corner of your lips.

“Yes, Joh—Joel, please.”

“Of course, beautiful. Let’s make this sweet pussy scream.”

As soon as the words left his mouth, he sat up and pulled your hips to himself. You slid one the bed with a gasp and he chuckled before thrusting in harder.

His tip hit your cervix and you grasped the sheets with a moan.

“Hurts, baby?”

“A little.”

He shook his head, grabbed a spare pillow and, after lifting your hips, placed it under your ass.

“Now?” he asked as he pulled his cock out to the tip and then shoved it back inside.

You whimpered when his cock kissed something delicious inside you and the sensation made you clench around his stiff member.

“Like that, yes, yes,” you mumbled, sounding drunk, eyes set on the place where you were joined.

Johnny smiled and rolled his hips again, the stroke hard and deep, and then again and again until he was rutting into you while you were turning into a whimpering, cock-dumb mess.

When he tilted his hips up and drilled his manhood into your cunt, you both saw a bulge appear in your belly and you gasped at the sight. You’d never seen anything like it.

Not stopping, Johnny placed his palm over the lump and tilted his head, watching and feeling his cock move under your skin.

“Fuck, ‘s hot.” He looked mesmerized. “You’re hot, bunny. Shit, gonna come soon. Do it with me.”

His thumb continued dancing on your clit and it took just a few strokes for you to explode. Your pulsating pussy was flattering around his manhood, nerves ablaze, while your juices flooded him inside your core, soaking his hot, soft skin, stretched over his throbbing cock. It was the hardest, most pleasant orgasm of your life and the warmth between your legs spread out, filling your heart with gratitude and affection.

Johnny was unaware of your inner feelings, and as soon as your pussy relaxed around him, he pulled his cock out and after a couple of pumps, started painting your pussy and belly with pearly white ropes of his thick cum.

You watched his balls draw up, his slit push out the load like you’d never seen anything more beautiful. Endorphins in your blood made you feel like you were floating, your limbs pleasantly tingling, and when your eyes met, you gave Johnny a tired, satisfied smile.

He answered it with his lopsided one and plopped on the bed next to you. You were catching your breath for some time until he tucked his softening cock into his jeans, got up and went to the bathroom.

You felt like you couldn’t move a muscle and, when he returned, he helped you to clean up with a wet towel.

“I reckon you ain’t on the pill,” he mumbled, wiping the cum off your skin.

“No. I will be,” you said, glancing up at him but his eyes were set on the task.

When he was done, you reached for him.

“Wanna cuddle?”

To your disappointment Johnny shook his head, and grabbed his tee off the floor.

“Need to go, bunny. I have a thing.”

You sat up, fixing your wrinkled dress, covering yourself up.

“Ok.” Your voice, small and sad, made him pause and he stepped up to the bed and bent down, reaching for you.

His hand cupped your heated cheek and he kissed you before speaking.

“Let’s have dinner tomorrow. At Joel’s.”

You beamed at him, nodding eagerly.

Before leaving he wrote his number on a note and gave you a wink.

“Wear something hot for Joel. And for me.”

You barely slept that night— the memory of your first sex was playing on a loop in your head. Every time you closed your eyes, you felt Johnny’s hands on your body, his cock stretching you, and your pussy ached for him again. You made yourself come twice with your fingers and when the sun was already breaking through the inky sky, only then you fell asleep.

The next day you woke up early and texted Johnny ‘good morning’. He didn’t reply and you thought he must be still sleeping. So you busied yourself with preparations for the dinner— choosing the clothes to wear, makeup, accessories. You wanted to look casual but hot like Johnny had asked you. You decided on a pair of tight jeans and a sexy top and went to the kitchen.

You lied to your parents that in the evening you were meeting a friend. Like always after any party your mom was spilling out all the gossip she’d gathered the day before. Both you and your dad just hummed here and there, not really interested in the boring rumors but suddenly your ears perked up when she mentioned Joel’s twin brother.

”I can’t believe that man. No shame at all.”

She noticed that she finally had your active attention and her eyes lit up.

“What’s wrong with Johnny?” you asked, while fear was creeping up in your chest.

“He’s such a deadbeat brother. Poor Joel.”

It seemed like you stopped breathing altogether, listening to your mother talk about the man who had taken your virginity the day before. She continued,

“Johnny visits him once a year, borrows money and vanishes until the next time he needs it. Joel’s a single father! Working man! And that leach uses his kindness and generosity. Ugh!”

“How do you know all that?” you asked, grasping at the last straw of hope that it was a lie, misunderstanding, baseless rumour.

“Dear, everyone knows that,” your mother laughed and started talking about the other neighbor who had told her and you didn’t hear her anymore. Your thoughts were racing and your heart was pounding loudly in your ears.

You excused yourself and ran to your room.

‘He vanishes’—the words of your mother were ringing in your head, your stomach being twisted by nerves.

You plopped on your bed and called Johnny. He didn’t pick up. You decided to wait. 5 min later you called him again. Nothing.

In three hours you were a nervous mess. You had cried several times, had sent dozens of messages that were unanswered and unread, had called him more times that you wished to admit but hadn’t heard his voice once.

That phone number was the only thing that he had left you, yet you realized that there was another option.

You put on the clothes you’d prepared for the dinner, rinsed your face off your tears as well as you could and headed to Joel’s.

When you knocked on the door, you feared that no one would answer. The uncertainty was suffocating you and your breathing was heavy. All you wished for was to get answers - did the man who had taken your virginity lie to you? Did he use you like a fuck toy and vanished? Was his attention to you just a means to get into your panties?

You were chewing nervously on your lower lip when Joel opened the door. For a second you thought it was Johnny, so much they looked alike but a little ray of hope dissipated when you saw the man’s soft curls.

”Hey, sweetheart,” Joel greeted you, visibly confused by your visit.

You cleared your throat and mumbled,

“Hello. Could I see Johnny?”

Joel opened his mouth and closed it before mumbling,

“Fuck.”

Your heart fell in your stomach when you saw him pinch the bridge of his nose and sigh.

“Sweetheart. Excuse me but— Was he with you yesterday?”

You nodded and he cursed again.

“He told me— he—,” Joel paused, his expression sad and apologetic. ”I’m so sorry, sweetie, but he left this morning. I don’t know what he told you but—.”

He shook his head, looking physically pained to be telling you that.

When all your fears were proven right, you couldn’t keep your despair inside anymore. Tears burst out of your eyes as you were nodding at Joel’s words like everything was alright. Like you weren’t hurt. The tears flowed so much that you barely could see Joel through the wetness in your eyes.

Joel placed his warm hand on your shoulder.

“Please, sweetheart, come inside.”

When you asked Joel about Johnny, he immediately understood that you were the girl he had slept with the previous night. Johnny had bragged about fucking the hottest chick in the neighborhood.

Joel couldn’t believe it had been you, so shy and sweet, he’d never expected Johnny to get his hands on someone so pure and lovely.

He felt horrible for letting his vagabond brother into his home again, and subsequently into your life. When you were sitting in his kitchen, crying quietly, he wanted to comfort you so badly his heart hurt. He placed a hot cup of tea in front of you and you thanked him between sobs. A pang of guilt shot through his heart.

“Oh, sweetheart,” he cooed, stepping up to you. He took your hands in his and when you lifted your face and gave him a little smile, your gorgeous eyes full of tears, Joel felt something stir in his heart. Something he hadn’t felt for a long time. It made his breath hitch for a moment.

Even with your face streaked with tears you were so damn beautiful.

Why hadn’t he ever noticed how beautiful you were?

Thank you for reading! Comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated!

MASTERLIST

General tag list: @milla-frenchy @harriedandharassed @iamasaddie @nervousmumbling @bbyanarchist @stevie75 @puduvallee @auteurdelabre @mountainsandmayhem @senoratess @flamingochick55 @theoraekenslover @schnarfer @mermaidgirl30 @staywildflowahchild @yesjazzywazzylove-blog @evolnoomym @keylimebeag @joelmillerisapunk @pascaltesfaye @fruityreads @itwasntimethatdidit40

[daydreamingmia]

ROADTRIP PART 2

Walker Scobell X Reader | Series | You Belong With Me🔱 Part 4

When you drive in the first thing you see is Buffalo. You take a couple pics and post them.

"Are you guys hungry?" Your mom asks

"YEESSSS!" everyone says in unison

"Alright look at the map and tell me what you wanna eat.

We decided on restaurant and drove there. Whe got a booth. I sat next to Walker and Leena sat next to me.

"I think I'm gonna have the fried chicken. What are you gonna have?" Walker asks me looking up from the menu at you

"Mac & Cheese" You said with a smile that Walker knew exactly what you were talking about

"Kraft Mac & Cheese if your parents don't buy it stop loving them" you recited

"Oh my God" Walker said rolling his eyes looking back down at his menu

When you leave the restaurant everyone is full. You go to your cabin and flop on the couch.

"I might explode" You groan

"Me too" Walker says as he lays down on the floor next to you. Making it kinda look like a crime scene.

"Oh no Walker's stupidity kill them both!" Lenna walks in with a smile

"Not yet!" You reply slightly lifting your head and putting it back down.

"Hey!" He said fake offended

-

Later that night everyone goes to the cabins campfire (I don't know if that is a thing. But pretend it it).

Everyone was making smores around the fire.

"Where is Walker?" You ask

"Boo!" Walker silently came up behind you and yelled in your ear. You scream and turn to see Walker laughing

"Walker! You almost made me drop my smore!" You yelled as you hit his shoulder.

He sat down next to you and made his own smore.

"Let's tell scary stories!" Walker said excited

"Noooo! I don't wanna have nightmares!" You complain

"Don't be chicken!" He reply and starts the story not listening to you.

"Years ago, a pack of ravenous wolves roamed these very woods, their eyes glowing fiercely in the moonlight. They were led by a massive alpha, whose howl could be heard for miles around. One night, a group of campers, much like them, set up camp in the same spot. Little did they know that they were being watched by the pack of wolves, their hunger growing with each passing minute. As the campers slept, the wolves attacked, their sharp teeth tearing through flesh and bone. The screams of the campers echoed through the woods, a haunting reminder of the horrors that lurked beneath the trees. To this day, it is said that the wolves still roam the woods, searching for prey. And on nights when the moon is full, their howls can still be heard, sending a shiver down the spines of anyone who dares to venture into their territory."

You hear a wolf howl and your eyes widen. You get closer to Walker.

"Alright let's go inside" Leena said seeing you were scared.

You looked at her with "Thank you!" Eyes and she nodded and smiled

Everyone got up and went inside to get ready for bed. You finished and went and sat on your bed and watched TV.

Your pajamas ⬆️

You were sharing a room with your sister and Leena. Walker across the hall.

Your sister was already asleep when Leena walked in.

"I thought you'd be asleep already." Leena said

"Not a hug fan on going to sleep right now." You said talking about the story

"Walker is annoying." she said

"Yeah" you nodded

"What are we watching?" she said hopping on your bed

"You don't have to stay up with me. I'll be fine." You said appreciating what she was trying to do

"You're my best friend and my stupid brother scared you. It is my duty to stay awake with you." She smiled

"What do you wanna watch?" You smiled

"Thor The Dark World!" She replied

You put it on with a smile and gave her the popcorn you had.

"Hey I know her!" Leena pointed to you on the screen

You both laughed

-

After about 2 hours you and Leena fell asleep.

You woke up in a sweat after dreaming about the wolves. You were scared. Leena said wake her up if she falls asleep and you have a nightmare. But you couldn't do that to her. There was someone who deserved being woken up. You got out of bed and Walker over to Walker's room. You knocked but there was no answer you slowly open the door and see Walker dead asleep.

"Walker!" You whisper yelled

Nothing

"Walker!" You said a little louder shaking him

"What?!" he groaned

"I had a nightmare" You pouted

"What about?" he asked still kinda out of it

"Your wolf story" you replied

"I'm sorry." He said actually compassionate "I didn't mean to scare you that much."

"Can I stay in here with you for a while?" You ask

"Yeah. Yeah. Of course." He said moving over

You laid down next to him and he hugged you. It was very comforting. He may be annoying sometimes but you knew he would protect you and would always be there if you needed him.

-

The next morning you woke up and saw it was 9 am.

"Walker" you said over your shoulder

"Hmm" He replied

"It's 9"

"So?"

"I'm hungry"

"Fine" He said letting go of you

You go to your room and change out of your pajamas.

Your outfit ⬆️ (you can change these outfits if you want)

You went to the kitchen where everyone is eating breakfast. Your mom made everyone French toast. It was delicious. After breakfast we all got in the van. We went to see Old Faithful which was beautiful then we went to the gift shop.

Do you like this?" Walker asked showing you a sweatshirt

The sweater Walker showed you⬆️

"Oooo! I love it! Why?" You asked

"No reason" He said casually and walking away

You look around and buy a few things. We all went back to the thevan and sat in our seats.

"Here" Walker said handing you a bag

You open the bag and see the sweatshirt that he showed you earlier

"Oh my gosh! Walker you didn't have to do that!" You said smiling holding it up looking at it

"Yes I did! It's repayment for scaring you last night." He replied happy you liked it

"Thank you!!" You said hugging him

"Of course!" He replied

You put it on as everyone drove back to the cabin.

-

You were reading on the couch and Walker was on his phone when your mom walked in the room

"Kids come look outside! It's snowing!" Your mom said

You and Walker both raced to the window to see blankets if white covering everything

"Oh my gosh it's so pretty!" You said admiring it's beauty

"Race you outside! Walker said running to the door and putting on his jacket.

You ran after him and put on your jacket and boots as fast as you could

"Walker?" You said stepping outside not seeing him anywhere. Then a snowball hit you right in the face.

"Bullseye!" He laughed

You guys had a snowball fight for at least 29 minutes then went back inside. Soaked. Especially Walker.

"I won!" You said with a smile

"Yeah right. I won!" Walker rolled his eyes

"Right Walker. Whatever you have to tell yourself." You said putting your hand on his shoulder

"You know what you're right..." He said clearly up to something

"I think the winner should get a hug" He said as you started running

"No! I wet enough as it is" You ran as fast as you could for about 2 minutes but you knew he was going to catch you eventually.

"Fine! You won! Happy?" You said turning around with your hands up

"Very" He said with a smile

-

We were now driving back home.

"It's so pretty here" Walker said looking out the window. You took a picture of him and posted it.

Then Taylor texted you

"I'm invited to the Grammys!" You exclaimed

"That's awesome! Congratulations!" Walker said hugging you

"Omg! That's amazing! Congratulations y/n!" Leena said very happy for you

"Thank you! I'm so excited!" You said smiling

-

When you got home it was midnight so you invited Walker and Leena to spend the night.

"That's sounds amazing! I'm so tired." Lenna said so happy

Leena would sleep in your room and Walker in the guest room.

"So, I got an email from my fashion designer and she gave me a couple options for the Grammys. Which one do you think I should pick?" You asked showing her your phone

"I think...that one" she said pointing to the one on the left

Your dress for the Grammys ⬆️

"That one it is!" You said emailing your fashion designer (Alexandria)

-

Couple days later

You were so excited!

[skitskatdacat63]

if u’re still doing these… top 5 most insane martian moments.

Sry for the late response, I really had to think on it! But these have been pretty fun to do so thank you!! <3

1. The entirety of Monaco 2010

Any Monaco celebration has a special place in my heart as you probably well know! But just Monaco 2010 as an entirety is insane to me, to name a few: the matching Porsches...their parc ferme hug...Seb trying and failing to pull Mark into the pool...them jumping into the harbor together and Seb having to pull Mark up onto the dock, MONACO REALLY GAVE US SO MUCH 🤧 but also this race being the calm before the storm, like seeing them be all cute with each other but then knowing how the season ends and how things continue to proceed after that

2. Their Singapore 2008 date

Always holds a special place on my heart. Just that we have so many pictures and even footage(!!!) of their PR mandated date in a time where this kind of thing wasn't really common yet. The caption of the YouTube vid "Mark Webber and Sebastian Vettel share an evening in Singapore" 😵‍💫 and I also think often about this comment on that vid calling Seb a "kleine Mädchen." I just think it's very cute. Giggly STR Seb and older gruff RBR Mark, not yet affected by teammate tensions

3. Japan 2007

I think its always very interesting the foreshadowing you can read into while watching older races. I love that Martian were always on an inevitable collision course. Like imagine being Mark and that rookie who crashed into the back of you then goes to win a race before you and then becomes your teammate and then becomes wdc. That they were on this collision course before they even became teammates and Seb had barely been in the sport yet. And LIKE that quote from Mark about Seb about "kids with no experience" and Seb crying in his garage, crazy.

4. Turkey 2010

I have such a fondness for "WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING HERE!? WHAT A STUPID ACTION! I'M GOING HOME! FUCK YOU!"(to the point where my friends who know nothing about f1 know about that quote by proxy bcs I quote it so much") I think it's interesting how much Martian's conflicts revolve around team orders and disobeying radios. It's funny bcs in Turkey 2009, a very similar situation to both Turkey 2010 and Malaysia 2013 happens, them telling Seb to stay behind Mark bcs of whatever reasons. And in 2009, Seb is clearly 🫤 about it but obeys but then goes on to try to overtake Mark in 2010 and fails, but then succeeds in 2013, very interesting to see how that dynamic evolves and grows more toxic! But by far the best part about Turkey 2010 is them having to take that "Us in our Get-Along T-Shirt" pic 😭 it's so funny and I wish they'd do press releases like this nowadays

5. That Monaco 2021 interview where Mark interjects about knowing the meaning behind the coins in Seb's race boots

It's just very sweet to me. There's some post about it on here that explains how meaningful it is, but I don't feel like searching for it, so I'm kinda just paraphrasing that. But like imagine them having a conversation where Seb explains it to Mark and the meaning behind it, and like probably a decade later, Mark still remembers it in perfect detail, enough to remember about the specificities about which coin goes in which boot and why.

Obligatory mentions: Malaysia 2013 of course(but I wanted to mention others, but Multi-21 is a given when considering crazy Martian moments), Australia 2016 podium, Mark's various Instagram forays during Seb's retirement, that one interview where Mark grabs Seb from behind while Love Will Tear Us Apart plays, when Seb sat on Mark's shoulders, anything of them from Abu Dhabi 2022, etc etc

[lunaekalenda]

Hello! Can I get headcannons for the warriors + colt reacting to hearing someone make racist comments about their poc s/o?

yes! i hope you like it! <3 and sorry for the long waiting!

a/n: since i’m not part of the community, i tried my best to write this, hoping i’m not hurting or insulting anyone. please, if i made any error, correct me. i don’t want anyone to feel bad because of this. since i’m basically a fluff author, i based this little imagines on how they would react to them and take care of their s/o before those comments <3.

❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁

❁ warriors!

❁ reiner, bertholdth, annie, porco, pieck, colt

❁ kinda sensible and soft reader!

❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁❁

reiner:

He heard it. Luckily, you were talking on the phone and didn’t, or so he thinks. His gaze was searching the person that made the comment, his light eyes scanning the place. His head started to work. Why do people have to be so mean for things like that? How can be so bad to someone they even don’t know just because of their skin tone? You hung up and look at him, but he sees tears on the corner of your eyes. You listened it. “Honey...” he says, before getting up and walking towards your seat, on the other side of the table. He kneels on your side and takes your hand, wiping your tears with the other. You let your head meet his hand quietly, his voice being a whisper, telling you how sweet and beautiful and strong you are. 

bert:

Bert wished he could be less shy to tell that man how wrong he was judging you like that. He even tried to reply, but words couldn’t leave his mouth. You took his hand and started walking. He looked at you. You smiled a bit. “I’m used to them.” you say on a little whisper. Bertholdht takes your shoulders “You shouldn’t be used to that, sweetie.” He knows this shouldn’t be like this. That you should go to the street and feel secure, independently of your race, religion, sexual orientation or nationality. 

annie:

Annie accompanies you to the store. She doesn’t like to go, but she likes less to leave you alone. There, she hears how a woman talks to another about you. You’re there, taking some apples, and they are talking bad about you. She walks near to them. “Are you seeing her?” One woman asks to the other. They both look at you. Annie raises an eyebrow. “Do you have any problem, misses?” Annie asks them The women look at her cold blue eyes, shaking their heads. “So I thought.”

pieck:

The girl blamed on your for crashing unintentionally against her. You could understand her anger, you almost drop your drink on her pink pale shirt. But one thing is get angry because of you hitting her or you getting her shirt dirty, but the commentary about you had nothing to see there. Pieck took your hand. “Are you okay?” she asks. The girl tells her how you where about to make her shirt a mess, adding kinda strong words against you. Pieck listens to her, her face showing a fake worried expression. She takes your vase, looking inside. Just juice. Nothing complicated to take off. Also, your glass is half empty, so the stain would be really little. You can’t avoid the liquid shooting out from your vase, now in Pieck’s hands, to the girl’s shirt. “Sorry, didn’t mean to make your shirt dirty.”

porco:

The comment was made in low voice, but enough for Porco and you to hear it. He turns his head, searching the person that said that. He easily find him, sitting in the bar. You pull Porco’s sleeve. “It doesn’t matter, Pock. Let’s go.”.  He wants to hit that man in the face, obligate him to eat just liquids for the rest of his life. “Okay.” He says. Not because he doesn’t want to, but because he respects your decision. He knows you don’t want him to search problems. Porco gives the man another dangerous look before following you outside. The summer breeze makes your hair move quietly and Porco passes his arm on top of your shoulders, leaning to leave a kiss on your forehead. He knows you try to avoid problems and he doesn’t want to cause them also, he knows that’s not the way to solve them. He sighs and looks to the sky. Society is trash.

colt: 

Colt scrolled on your feed when you told him you posted a picture. It was one he took of you, and he really likes it: the sun caressing your face softly, your beautiful smile and your hair moving because of wind. He gave a like and looked the comments. There were some hurtful ones, posted seconds ago. He tried to reply them but they disappeared. As the pic did. “Honey, did you delete it?” Your crying voice betrays you when you answer him. He gets up from the sofa, going straight to your shared room. You’re there, your phone in the desk and she hugging a plushie she found. Colt sits next to you. “Because of those comments?” he asks. You nod quietly. “Don’t listen to them, honey.” he says. “It’s difficult when they do it everywhere, Colt.” you say. You’re tired: on the street, on a bar, and now on social apps. Colt hugs your and sighs. “I know it’s difficult, y/n. But you know you’re beautiful, so do I. If you like yourself, why care about the opinion of individuals without neurons?” he asks. He makes you laugh. “That’s what I like. My sweet y/n smiling.”

[cheesus-doodles]

Okay, I want to ask you about the post quitting of the darling in the red dragon flies AU, What is the aftermath of what i pressume to be a messy or tear filled farewell of the gang members (precious bbys 😔) Do their mannerism change? do some of them (or all) still wanted to have a connection with the darling even after her quitting the gang life, pressumably, or is it because of izana (It's always something involving him smh) - (Time leaper anon)

okay im sensing no spoilers if i answer this, but i won't be talking much about the farewell itself because that would be a spoiler. i like your question time leaper anon!

Link to pic!

Masterlist

‎

Okay several parts to this question.

Very, very messy farewell, but with Shoji very quickly stepping in and taking over the reigns, things kinda settle down after a while and the gang trudges on. Of course all of the Red Dragonflies leadership fervently hope to be able to keep a connection with Boss even after she leaves whether or not she still wanted to be a part of their delinquent world - she was all their lives revolved around for many years after all - but they just had no means to do so. Even Furusawa wasn't given her new number, just her new address with strict orders not to tell anyonr and not to contact her unless it was an emergency. And they did try to look, but with nothing to go on and Shoji keeping a strict eye trained on them, their search turned up nothing and they eventually just had to give up.

As for their mannerisms, because Shoji was handpicked as Boss's successor, I think most of her boys wouldn't show that big a change in behavior, holding a great respect for the next incoming boss. Hase, Jun and Koji would be business as always, helping to keep the rest of the gang in check, but Masashi - already quiet to begin with - would retreat further into himself, barely speaking even if he was spoken to directly and rarely seen except at gang meetings. For Furusawa, noticeable changes in day-to-day gang activity include him becoming a little more irritable and him throwing around his strength a bit more than when he was with you. But outside of the gang, expect to find this lost boy wandering around more than usual, looking for an excuse to pummel and fight with no holds.

Boss/darling main reason for parting ways does indeed involve Izana, but he is not the only cause leading up to that. But you'll have to unfortunately wait till the next chapter to find out what happened exactly :')

[uwumessenger]

random headcanons i have for each om! character teehee

hi it's been a while since ive posted some hcs bc uni has been kicking my a$$! luckily i only have a few papers to tidy up and im done. here r some hcs for each obey me character that ive accumulated over the past few months wink wonk

most are random but some constants you'll find are what i think they smell like, languages they can speak (other than their native (demon/angel) and eng/jp), and music tastes !

lucifer

i have a strong feeling that he showers twice a day: in the morning after waking up and at night before going to bed

his cologne is probably the type that will last in an elevator for like a week after he uses it once. i dont think this mf ever smells like anything other than his cologne

has a secret folder on his phone of semi-nudes and other scandalous pics from when he felt sexy at the time omg

aside from demon language/eng/jp he can speak french and knows latin

listens to classical stuff yea but he also listens to diavolos mixtapes (re: diavolo's section)

not a fan of sweets but will eat sweet things when craving

really bland sense of humor...borderline cringey 😭✋🏻

mammon

has gone to google images and searched for "inspirational quotes tumblr" "gold aesthetic tumblr" & "relatable crush post tumblr" then reposts it onto his socials or just taps thru them and giggles bc he relates

his cologne doesnt last as long as lucifers and probably smells common. he has to reapply a lot but it's a people pleasing smell. it's cheaper hence the constant reapplying

he probably does have an expensive bottle but is the type to totally overspray...eek

he is canonically a car guy 🥲 and probably tells the one in his room good morning & good night + kisses the hood every once in a while. has tons of car magazines

he doesnt really speak other languages but has attempted to learn spanish before

listens to whatever is on the radio. doesnt rly stan anyone but he eventually will listen to mc's playlist and mc's playlist ONLY

levi

lurks on mc's socials ALL THE TIMEEEE like he will rewatch ur stories and scroll thru ur feed and overanalyze ur tweets/rts or blog posts. if ur mc isnt the type to use sns much he still googles ur name all the damn time just to find any sites u might be on fjdjdjdjskks

probably streams on whatever youtube or twitch devildom site equivalent there is, but only has like 40 or so followers. which he is okay with!

until he sees someone else who gets more attention than him. then the envy starts kicking in bad. especially if they suck 🧍🏻‍♀️

classic gamer boy smell. you know, sweat, tears, must, and (sometimes) axe deodorant. lucifer has to do a scent check before he goes out to any event & lets him use his cologne. how sweet!

kpop stan!! more girl groups than anything and his ults are probably GIRLS GENERATION, wonder girls, twice, loona, & red velvet

cried when ioi disbanded and refused to leave his room. the only thing u could hear was downpour on loop at full blast

can also speak korean & communicate in echolocation like dolphins 😏

satan

listens to country music you cant change my mind

smells like whatever environment he is in. he doesnt really have a designated smell just throws some deodorant on and goes about his day.

he's sooooo bad at driving...gets road rage way too often so his license has been REVOKED

but hes totally a backseat driver. needs to be sedated on long trips

do not let him watch finding nemo when luke asks to watch it. it's not worth it. he will cause mass destruction.

if he was a human or lived long term in the human world he totally has the ability to be a doctor

is studying as many languages as possible, but he mostly knows latin & french & german etc etc. wants to learn all the dead languages out of curiousity

asmo

dont think this mf has ever held down a relationship. ever

he doesnt compromise much & is not willing to change his lifestyle to fit an s/o into it. you keep up with how he lives or it just isnt meant to be (but dont worry! he'll eventually learn...maybe,,,,)

has the hardest time out of everyone when it comes to breaking bad habits

his smell varies bc he uses a variety of perfumes (whatever is the most popular at the time) but he probably sticks to floral and fresh scents. he never uses generic people pleaser scents like mammon

listens to electropop, mainstream pop, & some alternative rock

as for languages he too knows french, spanish, italian, etc. in general, if it's a romance language he knows it!

opposite of lucifer in the sense where he loves sweets and will refrain from eating too many bitter things

i think we all know that asmo is the biggest rockstar of the group! he's probably been in a boy band at least once, but now he makes his own music

has tried to teach mammon how to sing once. ended up in a broken piano and bleeding ears...

beel

i feel like he is SO SHY

like unless ur close to him he will not start conversations or anything

i think he listens to r&b a lot ! and jazz 😎 maybe rock as well

smells like ur typical athlete with undertones of wet wipes. he carries them around bc he likes to clean his hands before he eats & is prepared for when theres no sink nearby

he can drive and he drives really well. no rough turns, parallel parks perfectly, and never has problems with merging

driving with beel is probably really soothing. left hand is steering the other is gripping ur thigh 😫

dont think hes really fluent in any other language but hes probably semi fluent in korean because levi wanted beel to help him out

definitely know how to order food in practically every language tho HAHAHA

belphie

he reminds me of randall from monsters inc

smells kinda musty IM SORRY but not the way levi does hes more like the kind of musty u feel or smell when it's a shitty morning

but that's only because hes so lazy, when he cleans up hes like satan

has definitely murdered multiple people before. mc is not the first 😐✋🏻

with that being said belphie has been put into prison at least twice when visiting the human world, the mf had such a strong hatred for humans theres no way he never got into trouble before

lucifer probably broke him out and they used the pen thingies from men in black to erase everyones memory of that 🙄

dont think he listens to anything other than music that'll put him to sleep. really likes lazy song by bruno mars but thinks that bruno mars put too much effort into the song. should have been one acapella verse and then finish

similar to beel hes only semi fluent in one language, probably french bc of lucifer. doesnt remember much but knows a couple of lullabies and bedtime stories

the sandman used to be his bff until they drifted. they do, however, like and comment on each other's sns posts.

diavolo

once he found out who nicki minaj was he became her #1 stan

def an ariana grande stan too 😌

choreographs dances when hes stressed...idk just seems like a diavolo thing to do

also makes rly bad soundcloud rap music sometimes. turns to poetry when hes feeling emo but only lucifer knows this. barbatos is suspicious of him but doesnt have enough evidence to confirm.

his dad is like hudson abadeer from adventure time aka marceline's dad? something must have influenced him to want to unite the 3 realms + he would need the approval to do so, so his dad must be more chill than all the others before him 🧍🏻‍♀️ IDK ok anyway

currently going through his hamilton phase bc of mc. whether mc's intent was to get him hooked onto it or just to explain it bc of something he saw online, he tells everyone that he found out abt it bc of mc!

this man cannot drive his skills are only second to jumin han

not too fond of many languages but knows the widely spoken ones like spanish, mandarin, etc. if it's taught in high school he knows it

smells like a las vegas casino. not sure why but i feel like he does. but there's also an interesting & nice smell to him if he embraces you. it's a smell you cant quite identify. but it smells nostalgic, it's mysterious, and it's tempting.

barbatos

very calm demeanor but underneath hes WILD hes probably done everything at least once oof

he just has a lot of control and stability over himself (must be nice!)

on a more angsty note i feel like he might have had his heartbroken sO BAD IDK he is hurting and maybe that's why hes so willing to obey diavolo and not abuse his time lord power thingies bc he learned his lesson the hard way

mans is so smart he knows every language you could switch languages mid conversation with him and he wouldnt be thrown off. he'd probably start speaking it too.

BUT HE SPEAKS VIET P E R F E C T L Y

listens to the same stuff as lucifer but also likes eminem. likes the movie 8 mile but criticized it heavily

have you ever been to a chinese herb shop? naturally, he smells like that. his room probably smells like it too. he doesnt really have a significant smell like some of the others

when he bakes he smells like whatever hes baking tho

one of the few out of everyone listed to have been able to travel to literally everywhere

solomon

was probably on kitchen nightmares once, but only to get feedback from chef gordon ramsay. then he used his magic to prevent the episode from airing...

was in an orchestra, one of the best times of his life. played the violin. asmo watched him in the audience once, but didnt approach him until well after that performance.

he CANNOT sing. he can, however, rap.

doesnt listen to music. he listens to podcasts! but every now and then he turns on background music, but prefers it to be instrumental stuff

never wears sunglasses. also does not have a driver's license. cannot drive a regular car. could maybe fly an airplane.

due to his immortality he has learned almost every language to exist, but finds himself speaking mandarin the most. knows most dialects too

similar smell to barbatos but u can also smell some sunscreen on him too. like, generic beach day suncreen

he has a lot of pact marks, so he once had the idea to match foundation to his skin. it took him two weeks but he eventually perfected a combination. yes he will help u find ur perfect shade if u ask him to

simeon

another country music man. has also made a tiktok or two to that one song that goes "he cant even bait a hook." they are private tho

angel country music exists and simeon invented it

if he visits the human world and wears more causal clothing he probably tucks his shirt into his pants

wears a speedo at the beach i tell u, speedo at the beach

he can speak german...i can feel it

uses his pointer finger to type and holds the phone like 2 inches away from his face so sometimes his nose will push a key hence all his typos

has no signature smell. he simply smells like your favorite scent all the time. if multiple people are around him at once, everyone smells a different smell. it's pretty rad

"what does he smell like to himself?" u may be asking. hmm...a church? 💀

luke

his first pet was a goldfish and a few months before the exchange program happened, he was given a koi pond!

secretly likes hanging out with levi sometimes just to play with henry. makes him miss his pet fish back home

so his favorite movie is probably finding nemo and he threw a fit when nemo touched the butt

luke is probably learning german bc of simeon, though he'd like to learn more of the dead languages just for fun

i dont think he listens to music often or has any preferences, he just listens to whatever is playing on the radio

but he finds himself listening to the music mc listens to

smells like freshly baked goods all the time. or fresh laundry. but like, not combined. just depends on the day

[shadlad24]

Tumblr Master Post

(Third Mensiversary)

Hey, guys! So, instead of the usual monthly post, I decided to consolidate everything. From now on, I will update the following list and reblog it every 22nd. Enjoy!

Please note that Tumblr either cannot or will not preserve my formatting. So, I have used Google Docs as well. Please click on this link if you’d prefer that. It’s open to all. Thanks!

My posts are almost XWP-related and can be categorized into eight main categories (The pic below is merely for record-keeping and visualization purposes; scroll down for the actual links):

Questions

Curious— Why does everyone think Gabrielle/Renée O’Connor has green eyes?

A Favor to the God of War?— What in the world was the favor Ares wanted from Gabrielle during “Sacrifice”?

Smoking Gun?— Why did Hope knowing Solan’s name give her away as his killer?

Good Luck, Kid!— Why was security so bad in “Maternal Instincts”?

The Love of Your Love— Wasn’t the second verse of this song frustrating and hurtful to Gabrielle?

The (Many) Problem(s) with Ares— Why does so little about Ares’s character make sense?

Hard Ask— Can I PLEASE get a willing, able, AND reliable beta-reader for my Xena fanfic???

The (Many) Problem(s) with Ares [Reblog]— Three more questions about the god of war

No Way— Is the titular image of “Xena: Warrior Princess” what it seems?

Episode Reflections

Random Thoughts While Watching XWP— funny moments from “A Family Affair,” “Them Bones, Them Bones,” “Married with Fishsticks,” and “Coming Home”

Observations from “Sins of the Past”— fifteen things I noticed while watching the episode for the second time (first after completing the series)

Running Commentary on “A Family Affair”— just what it sounds like XD

Concluding Thoughts on “A Family Affair”— a defense of Hope and Gabrielle

Echoes Across the Years— how Solan’s last conversation with his mother echoed Gabrielle’s first with the warrior princess

Redeeming “Fishsticks,” Part 1— how the adults and themes in Gabrielle’s dreamworld held great significance

Redeeming “Fishsticks,” Part 2— how Crustacea’s monstrous children were re-imaginations of Hope and The Destroyer

Fault— my thoughts on the series finale

Good Luck, Kid! [Reblog]— a fun little extension of the original post showing the impression Gabrielle made on Hope

Original Fanfic Excerpts

The Mother of Hope, a collection of one-shots exploring Gabrielle’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences with/about her daughter

Disparity— Hope’s and Gabrielle’s conversation during the final commercial break of “A Family Affair”

Somewhere— Gabrielle searching Tartarus for Hope while Ares was harassing Xena and Solan in “God Fearing Child”

Super Challenge— the entire Rift Arc summed up in a single conversation, the lines of dialogue coming from each of the twelve Rift episodes of season three

Aperture— Gabrielle’s thoughts the night of her wedding

The Daughter of Duality, Hope’s life story from her perspective

My Great Hope— Seraphin prepares her goddess for childbirth

Hope Rising— Baby Hope makes a terrible mistake

“Tears of a Goddess: Blood Rain,” a one-shot exploring “Motherhood” from the goddess of love’s perspective

Useless— Aphrodite agonizes over what to do when alone with Gabrielle and Eve

Tears of a Goddess, a story in which Aphrodite comes clean about the large part she played in Gabrielle’s life behind the scenes

Gabrielle Rages against Xena— the bard finds herself at Aphrodite’s temple, heartbroken and lost after the series finale

Aphrodite Ribs Gabrielle— Aphrodite complains about Gabrielle’s mishaps throughout the show

Rapprochement, a story about Xena and Gabrielle hashing out The Rift Arc before finally coming together as a couple

The Answer— Xena reminds Gabrielle of who she is

Divine Intervention— Aphrodite blesses Xena and Gabrielle’s union

Adventures in Moving Forward, a chronicle of Aphrodite’s and Gabrielle’s adventures together post-AFIN and all my other XWP stories

Stranger— Aphrodite protects Gabrielle from a mob in Brittania

The Betrayer, Gabrielle's untold experience during “The Deliverer.”

Disturbance— Xena makes an unexpected suggestion on how to stop Gabrielle’s recurring nightmare

Deception— Khrafstar fills multiple voids in Gabrielle’s heart

Defilement— Reality slips away from Gabrielle with the loss of her blood innocence

Desecration— Gabrielle becomes one with darkness

Dissolution— The return of Gabrielle’s hero brings about only more tragedy

Fan Theories

Soul Orbits and Psychic Echoes— how Xena and Gabrielle got their children through equal and opposite people and circumstances

Shazam!— how Xena might be able to come back after the series finale

Man-Killer— what really happened to Toris

An Unsung Hero— Aphrodite being Gabrielle’s guardian angel throughout the Rift Arc

Infamous, Infuriated— why Xena engaged in the GabDrag (and BardBraining)

Solving Some Problems with Ares— answering two of my own questions about the god of war

Odd, Sort of Beautiful Symmetry— how we ended up with Annie and Harry

Soul Orbits and Psychic Echoes [Reblog]— an extension of the original theory that focuses more on Solan and Hope themselves

Solving More Problems with Ares— answering my next questions about the god of war

Episode Cracksubs

The Comedy of Amphipolis— “The Haunting of Amphipolis”

What in the Gurkhan?— “Who’s Gurkhan?”

Them Bones and Boneheads— “Them Bones, Them Bones”

TL;DRs— cliff-notes version of longer posts

TL;DR #1: Soul Orbits and Psychic Echoes

TL;DR #2: Infamous, Infuriated

TL;DR #3: The (Many) Problem(s) with Ares

Funny Little Moments— (Five:) a series highlighting overlooked silly things from each episode, illustrated in pictures and cracksubs / (More:) summation posts showcasing additional funny moments from each episode, in half-season chunks

Five Funny Little Moments #1: “Sins of the Past”

Five Funny Little Moments #2: Chariots of War

Five Funny Little Moments #3: Dreamworker

Five Funny Little Moments #4: Cradle of Hope

Five Funny Little Moments #5: The Path Not Taken

Five Funny Little Moments #6: The Reckoning

Five Funny Little Moments #7: The Titans

Five Funny Little Moments #8: Prometheus 

Five Funny Little Moments #9: Death in Chains 

Five Funny Little Moments #10: Hooves and Harlots

Five Funny Little Moments #11: The Black Wolf

Five Funny Little Moments #12: Beware Greeks Bearing Gifts

Miscellaneous

Golden Ticket— Renee O’Connor’s initial responses to me on Instagram

Bath Time— a fun self-challenge involving making a story from recently downloaded/screenshot images in just a few minutes

Mensiversary— review of my first month on Tumblr

Confirmation/Affirmation— Steven L. Sears’s essay of support for my Furies theory

K.O.— Renée O’Connor liking my comment about ^

Hooray!— The Mother of Hope is finished (kinda)

Aww…— a quick picture post to try something new while I was bummed about the deadly tech bug that obliterated my posts for weeks

Second Mensiversary— review of my second month on Tumblr

NOOO!— a lamentation related to The Mother of Hope

The (Many) Problem(s) with Ares [Reblog/Response]— answering a reader

More Funny Little Moments #1: Season 1, Episodes 1-12

*Other

Black Hole— a poem about depression

It’s Nothing— a poem on invalidation

What the?— the beginning of the bug :(

[for-dogs-and-flowers]

painful kind of love

Group: Seventeen

Pairing: Joshua x Reader

Genre: Angst, fluff, hanahaki au

Word Count: 2,158 (oops)

A/N: I’m sorry if this sucks, I really don’t know how to write fics and this is only my second time posting one. Once again, moodboard made by me (but the pics aren’t mine obv) I also never know how to end stories and I kinda rushed the last bit so forgive me pls!!!

It all started with a flower shop. It was a quaint little store hidden on the corner of a quiet street. By train it was a twenty minute ride, but to you it was worth the trip for the flowers. They had the biggest selection you had ever seen and the scent when you walked in always swept you off your feet. It was sweet and calming, but delicate enough to not overwhelm the senses. You loved it, and so did someone else. He was there often, and you had seen him many times before. You heard the worker thank him one day, his name was Joshua. He was handsome, and sunlight that filtered through the windows of the store made his skin glow. His gaze was gentle, and his voice was too. It was hard not to notice him. And for him, it was hard not to notice you. He snuck glances as you walked down the rows of flowers. He told himself he shouldn’t feel this way. You were a stranger, and yet he couldn’t help it. He was drawn to you and it was about time he made an effort to get to know you. He had planned it all out. He would start with a comment about your choice of flowers. Something along the lines of how you had good taste. He’d tell you his name, and you’d tell him yours. But of course the universe likes to mess with plans.

He hadn’t noticed you come in that day. He heard the chimes of the door opening but couldn’t bother to look as his eyes wandered over the flowers before him. They had just been misted and the water droplets glistened on their delicate petals. He took a step back and that’s when he met you. He turned to apologize for bumping into whoever was behind him, and when his eyes met yours his breath caught in his throat. Panic. His plan crumbled before him as he apologized rather awkwardly, stumbling over his words.

“Sorry! Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention,” he finally managed to breathe.

“No, it’s okay.” You flashed a nervous smile and he could’ve melted in that moment. There was a pause and you wondered if it would be weird to say his name, but already the words were coming out. “Joshua, right?” You knew his name. He didn’t know yours.

“Yes,” he managed to regain some composure. He looked at you expectantly.

“I’m y/n.” You held out a hand and he took it gladly. He didn’t miss the fact that it fit perfectly in his. Maybe bumping into you wasn’t so bad after all. The two of you fell into conversation with ease, as if you had known each other your entire lives.

A few months pass by and just like that you became best friends. Your free time now consisted of trips to the flower shop with Joshua, café excursions, and late night walks with deep conversations. His feelings for you continued to grow, but you almost seemed stuck in place. You had been hurt before, he learned, and the damage caused you to build high walls to protect your heart. He could see that, and he wanted to be patient with you. He would show you how to love again. He thought he had all the time in the world to do so, and then it happened.

You were at your favorite café, Joshua was seated across from you and things had seemed fine until he stood abruptly, clutching his stomach. Before you could ask what was happening he had run into the bathroom, throwing open the stall door and standing near the toilet. His stomach had been bothering him for a week now, but he brushed it off as nothing. A cough escaped and that’s when he felt it. He opened his mouth and a baby pink petal floated down into his palm. It took him a moment to register what had just happened, and even then he didn’t want to believe it. No no no no. He knew his feelings for you were strong, but he had been hesitant to call it love and now it didn’t really matter what he called it. The flowers blooming inside him told him everything he needed to know; he loved you and you didn’t feel the same. He was in a panic now as another cough seized his body followed by more petals. He pulled out his phone and quickly called his friend.

“Jeonghan?” He was breathing hard now as panic set in. “I need you to come get me.”

“What’s happening? What’s wrong? I thought you were with y/n?”

“I am!” He sounded distressed now but was trying to hold it together. “Please, I’ll explain everything later, just come get me.”

“Text me the location, I’ll be there as fast as I can.”

Joshua could feel the discomfort in his throat as he headed back out to you. Thankfully he hadn’t been gone as long as it had seemed, and he came back to find you happily scrolling through your phone. “Hey,” he sounded calmer than he was.

“Is everything okay?” You set your phone down, the look of concern making him smile despite his discomfort.

“Of course, I’m just not feeling well suddenly.” He didn’t want to lie to you, but he also felt like he couldn’t tell you what was happening. “I’m really sorry. I called my roommate to come get me. I think it’s best if I get some rest for now.”

“It’s okay! We can reschedule when you’re feeling better again,” you offered a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry, I won’t watch the movie without you even though you’re ditching me,” you teased. You gave him a hug goodbye and made sure to tell Jeonghan to take good care of him for you. You wanted your best friend healthy again. Joshua cringed at the word “friend” as they drove away.

He waited until they were back at their apartment before trying to explain what was happening and just as he was about to spill everything, a coughing fit seized him. He made sure to catch the petals despite the pain he was in and once it passed, he held out his open palm to Jeonghan.

“Did you eat flowers?” Jeonghan laughed.

“What? No!” Joshua rolled his eyes and tossed the petals in the bin. “It’s serious Jeonghan. It means I love her and she doesn’t feel the same.” He took a seat on the couch next to his friend and buried his head in his hands, now trying to suppress coughs and tears. “It’s called hanahaki disease,” he mumbled.

“That’s not real.”

“Tell that to the flowers growing in my lungs then,” Joshua groaned. “What do I do?” His voice was a whisper now, and it cracked as he tried to contain his emotions. He heard Jeonghan tapping on his phone, but he already knew the answers to what his friend was searching for. He didn’t have the heart to voice it, so he let his friend read through quietly.

“Did you tell her?” Jeonghan finally spoke up.

“No. I can’t. If she ever ends up having feelings for me, I want it to be natural, not out of pity or anything else.” He sat a moment longer, breathing and thinking of what to do.

“You can get the flowers removed.” He sat his phone on the coffee table and Joshua a reassuring pat on his back. He could tell his friend wasn’t okay, as his whole body shook under his hand.

“I have time, right?” He looked at his friend who just shrugged in return. “I just have to keep showing her that I won’t hurt her.”

“You might not have enough time to do that. Besides what if…” Jeonghan didn’t want to say it, but it was a possibility that perhaps Joshua was overlooking in his panic. “What if she never feels that way toward you?”

“I have to try.” He felt the discomfort in his throat again and headed toward the bathroom, knowing what was to come now. Regardless of how bad it got he had to, because you were worth it to him.

So he kept trying, although it was more difficult now with his frequent trips to the bathroom to throw up flowers. You knew something was wrong with how often he was running off, but you didn’t want to pry. Your outings were replaced by hangouts at your places with movies, pizza, and lots of fluffy blankets. You still enjoyed your time together, but his disease always seemed to get worse when you were close by. Eventually he was struggling to breathe, and the pain of the flowers coming up was nearly unbearable. Of all the flowers it had to be roses. The thorns began to claw at his throat, leaving it raw and painful. The two of you stopped seeing each other as often, and you missed him.

It wasn’t like Joshua to not respond, and it had now been twenty four hours. You hadn’t seen him all week and now he wasn’t answering. Your heart raced as you threw on a hoodie and some shoes, running out the door. Surely he was okay right? If anything had happened Jeonghan would be there to help, right? You bent over in front of his door, breathing hard from your unexpected jog. If he was fine he was going to pay for making you run all this way, you thought. Your hand hit the door harder than you had expected, and a few seconds later your eyes met Joshua’s. He looked exhausted and frail, but his smile still had the familiar warmth that it always did. He invited you in but he seemed reluctant to do so.

“What’s happening?” The distress in your voice evident. “Come on Josh, you can tell me anything.” You took a step toward him but stopped when bent over coughing and dry heaving. He couldn’t hide all the petals and flowers that were coming out now. You scooped up a few that had landed softly on the floor. Beautiful baby pink dotted with spots of blood.

“Y/n I-“ Before he could get anything else out your head was buried in his chest and your arms were wrapped tightly around him. His arms instinctively closed around you and he rested his head on yours.

“What’s happening?” you repeated, but this time softer as tears escaped you.

I…I don’t want to explain, and I’m sorry. I know it might not make sense but I can’t do it.” His voice was hoarse and now he was on the verge of crying. He desperately wanted to tell you and he knew he was running out of time, but he didn’t want to have any influence on your feelings like that.

“Please,” you were begging and sobbing now. “Please Joshua, I love you, just tell me what’s going on,” you cried. He forgot how to breathe for a moment and you felt him go rigid in your arms. You pulled back and wiped your tears away, but Joshua brought you right back into his chest.

“Did you mean that? What you said just now.” You were afraid to tell him, but his voice was soft and reassuring.

“Yes,” you sniffled. “I’m sorry I didn’t say something sooner. I was holding myself back and I was scared.” You took a deep breath, trying to stabilize your shaking voice. “I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, but after not seeing you or hearing from you I was afraid and I knew I had to tell you.” You were afraid of rejection now, but to your surprised he kissed the top of your head and held you even tighter.

“I love you too,” he whispered. He took a step away from you as he felt a cough coming, more flowers fell from his lips and he winced in pain. “That should stop soon, I hope.”

“Hanahaki?”

“You know what this is?” He was shocked, but maybe he shouldn’t have been since he knew you loved flowers so much. You nodded.

“It’s my fault your throwing up flowers everywhere.” Your tears had stopped but you didn’t feel much better. “I’m sorry it took me so long.” Your eyes met Joshua’s as he grabbed your hands and entwined his fingers with yours.

“Don’t apologize. It should go away soon. I just need to get the rest out.”

“Maybe they didn’t hear me.” You leaned closer to his stomach and yelled, “I love Joshua Hong so you can go away now!” He laughed and gently brought your head back up.

“I feel better already,” he grinned.

“Well just in case I think you might need some food and a nap before you’re completely cured.”

“Of course, doctor y/n. Anything else?” You were both grinning like idiots now. Cute idots.

“Maybe some cuddles and kisses?”

“I’d love that.”

[not-the-cleavers]

Target II - Chapter 4

Hey guys real quick - I’m posting this now because I live in Australia and there’s a fire less than 20km away from my house so we’re on alert for evacuation. Basically I’m not sure when I’ll be able to post if we end up getting evacuated - I’m not looking for sympathy, it is what it is, I just want you beautiful people to know what’s going on.

Anyway.....

Tags; @adrenaline-roulette​ and @amy-brooklyn99​ - if you would like to be tagged just let me know

Pairing; Four x Eight (female reader) Fandom; 6 Underground Warnings; Swearing, angst, mention of human/sex trafficking, drinking and smoking Word count; 1.7k (total so far 6.3k)

Summary; The team has moved onto their next target after dealing with Rovach Alimov, a war criminal named John Dough. Eight has just joined the team and is dying to show how much she deserves to be there

Catch up; Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3

Entering the hanger I noticed that someone had kindly placed a stool where I would normally stand during our briefs, these things tend to run long and I don’t think I’d be able to stand for the entire thing. Four helped me slide onto the stool and instead of scurrying off to the opposite side of the table; where he normally stands, he stayed put, leaning onto the cold metal table. I pulled my laptop closer to me to start to pull useful information from that key logging software I installed before we left. Much to my surprise John Dough uploaded his entire hard drive, virus and all, to his personal version of the cloud, where he uploads and downloads to all his personal devices, spreading my virus everywhere. The idiot just made my job so much easier! “You look like you’ve got good news, care to share with the rest of class?” One said in his usual sarcastic tone. Clearly my poker face needs work. “You two aren’t fucking are you?” he said in a dead serious tone, flicking a finger between Four and myself. “What? No!” Hopefully I was able to hide my disappointment with shock, “it’s about John Dough. The idiot just uploaded my virus to every single one of his devices. I can see everything he does” I said with a smirk. A deep belly laugh erupted from One. “Eight if I wasn’t kinda terrified of you, I would kiss you right now!” he almost yelled, causing Two to crack a smile. “What does this mean for the mission?” Three asked, not entirely sure what I was talking about but willing to play along. “It means I have complete access to his whole system. I can upload a new virus that will duplicate everything onto my servers here without him ever knowing. If he hires more guards, I’ll know. If he books a flight anywhere in the world, I’ll know. If he sends a dick pic, I’ll know. If he does anything on any single one of his devices, I’ll know. This means this mission got a whole hell of a lot easier my friend, we are no longer flying blind” I explained. This caused a huge smile to explode onto Threes face, after getting pinned by those two guards I’m sure this was welcomed news.

“So what’s on the hard drive?” One asked, breaking the joyful feeling in the air. “I haven’t had a chance to look at it yet, I only woke up like an hour ago, and someone grabbed it from my vest in the van yesterday and put it here” I bit back. Did he seriously think I had the chance to look at the hard drive yet? “Eight that was 3 days ago! Are you seriously trying to tell me you’ve been unconscious this whole time?” What? It can’t have been days, how had I been out for days? And did he seriously not check in on me at all during that time? “I’ll take your silence as a yes” he huffed, anger evident in his voice, though I wasn’t sure why. “C’mon man, give her a break…” Seven came to my rescue while everyone else remained silent “Don’t you ‘c’mon man’ me, this isn’t good enough. We needed intel three fucking days ago! And while princess over here was sleeping, this fucker helped destroy another small community in Syria!” One was getting extremely irate, and your hand instinctively went to where your holster normally sat on your hip, but instead of your hand wrapping around your trusty sidearm, it was grabbed by Four. What was he doing? “And you would have been able to stop that, in three days, with one of us out with a gunshot wound?” Seven sneered “Face it man, we wouldn’t have been able to save those people. I know it sucks but this is what we have been dealt” he placed his hand on Ones shoulder, which was quickly shaken off. “Right well this has been a waste of time, does anyone have anything to add to this?” We all looked around the room at one another not daring to say a damn word. “Right, well that’s that” One said walking past us all to leave, stopping to put a his hand on my shoulder, lean down really close to my ear and say “I’m starting to wonder if I made a mistake bringing you into this. Prove to me I didn’t” loud enough for everyone to hear before walking away. I didn’t dare move my eyes to look at anyone, instead choosing to stare dead ahead or else the tears would come, and I wasn’t about to fucking cry in front of everyone.

I slowly pulled myself off the stool, slammed my laptop lid closed, picked up the hard drive and made my way out of the hanger. “Fucking prick” I muttered to myself, how dare he say that shit to me! I was fucking shot getting that fucking hard drive while he sat in the getaway car. If he wants me to prove I deserve to be here, that’s just what I’ll do, and then he can explain why he’s the only one here who never seems to do anything. The walk back to my trailer was long and slow and I was starting to understand Five’s advice to take it easy. I gingerly made it up the two steps of my trailer and slammed the door behind me, I was going to get to work and make One fucking eat his words. I walked past my living quarters and into my makeshift office. This trailer used to have a drivers seat and dashboard that was ripped out, so when I got here I got to work making a desk, knowing I would need it for my role in the team. I sat myself down at my desk and started clicking my way through every single file I had transferred over, easily getting into any password protected folders. Everything about this John Dough made me sick to my stomach, but when I came across a folder named ‘Girls’ I knew it was about to get worse. I forced myself to open the folder and what greeted my eyes was foul. Hundreds of videos and photos of women and teenage girls in varying stages of undress and beaten into such a state I feared they were dead flooded my screen. These were most likely women and girls forced into sex slavery, trafficked away from their families and treated like this. I slammed the screen down again, I needed a fucking drink. I walked back out of my office and poured myself a healthy of whiskey into a not very clean glass and just as I was about to take a sip there was a knock at my door. I hobbled my way over to the door and pushed it open, not looking to see who it was, before turning around and walking right back in. “Drink?” I asked the visitor, holding up my glass so they could see, “Uh sure, got any beer?” the deep accented voice of Four came from behind me. “Feel free to check but I don’t think so” I told him, motioning towards the small fridge with my hand that held my whiskey. I slowly lowered myself onto my bed again and watched Four squat down to check my drink options. When his search came up empty, he muttered that he would be right back, and walked right back out the door. A chuckle escaped my lips as I leant back and took a sip, making a slight face as the liquor burned its way down my throat.

My door opened one last time as four re-entered with two six packs of some kind of beer, unloading one into my fridge and bringing the other one, and my bottle of whiskey, over to my bed, where he sat down next to me. “What’s going on? I know One was being an arsehole back there, but I can tell something else has happened” Four said knowingly, watching me take another slip. “This whole week can fuck itself. First I get shot – and that’s still not on you so don’t try it, then I get ridiculed in front of everyone because I was apparently unconscious for three days, then going through that hard drive I’ve come across some of the worst things I’ve seen and I’ve only scratched the surface.” I replied, cutting myself off before mentioning anything about how I felt about Four and how he would never feel the same way. “What are you talking about?” he asked hesitantly after a long drink from his bottle. My only response was to point him in the direction of my office. While he was gone I leant over to a set of drawers at the end of my bed and grabbed a pack of Marlboros and an ashtray, quickly lighting a cigarette and taking a long drag. I tended to only smoke when stressed and man oh man, today was one of those days.

I soon realised that Four had been gone a while, so I thought I better check on him, all this movement probably wasn’t ideal for my side but honestly, fuck it. I found him, standing in shock at what he discovered on my laptop screen, his hands shaking. Afraid he was going to drop his half-drunk beer on the ground, I grabbed it from his hand after closing the laptop one final time. I walked him back to my bed and sat him back down; in hindsight I probably should have warned him. “Sorry, I should have given you a heads up, I forgot that you don’t normally see that kind of thing.” Normally it was myself or One who did the background on the targets and the team only were given the necessary information. Four raked his hands through his hair before asking “you normally see shit like that?” he sounded shocked, I nodded before replying “I’ve never seen anything exactly like that before, but yeah it is common” the words muffled slightly by my cigarette. Without warning Four grabbed it from between my lips and took a drag before placing it back. “I’m so sorry, I had no idea” he mumbled. “S’alright, I’m glad it still gets to me, means I’m still human” he chuckled weakly at my response. We were clearly feeling the heaviness in the air surrounding that last subject. “Hey lets play twenty questions” I piped up, hoping for a change of pace, and by the way his expression changed I could tell he was okay with that. “You first, your number is lower than mine” I laughed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So yeah that’s the most recent chapter, again I really don’t know when the next chapter will be up. I hope you enjoy!

[hedwigsimagines]

Bon voyage - Malta

There was the tiniest air of sadness when it was revealed that they would be making another series of bon voyage. Don't get me wrong, the boys were all so excited and grateful when they were given the chance to go to malta but once those feelings settled they realised that they would be apart from us for their entire break. All the talks you and V had about how you would go to the beach and teach him how to paddleboard could no longer happen as you’d be in different countries. Mine and Jin's plan of just being in each others company was also out the window. None of us were dating but we were such a huge part of each other lives that it would be hard to say goodbye for even the length of a trip. What the boys didn't know however was that their director had pulled us to one side to have a chat. He was well aware of this issue and wanted this trip to be as memorable for the members as possible since they didn't get breaks often. He offered us an earlier flight into malta as a surprise to the boys on the condition that we weren't filmed. Even though the Army loved us, it was in the best interest of us and the boys to keep hidden, which we totally understood considering some fans were too protective over them. Trying to hide our excitement we said our ‘sad’ goodbyes to everyone two days before they were due to leave. Though V insisted you stay with them until the very last second you remained strong and pretended that you needed to give them time to pack.

 In reality, me and you rushed to our apartment just down the road to pack for our flight in less than 24 hours.  It upset me to see Jin slightly tear up saying goodbye and you couldnt help but get a pang in your chest when V pouted at your goodbyes. Over the months we had spent together it was no secret that we had gotten closest with V and Jin. Everyone around us would mistake us as couples but none of us agreed despite all your and v feelings for each other and jin and mine. We kept our act up even as we boarded the plane, getting the directors to keep the boys busy so that they wouldnt question why we didnt reply straight away due to being on the plane. Though we were best friends we had our separate music and did our own thing to occupied on the journey.  I slept for the most part and you read or binged Netflix. Malta heat hit us straight away and it sunk in where we were. It took everything not to post a pic or Snapchat for fear one of the 7 would see it. They would be joining us in just over 24 hours so we made our way to the hotel to unpack. The flight really took a toll on us and we didn't really want to venture out without the guys so we opted for a girly evening with malta take out, loud music, face masks, the lot! Picking the rooms was a challenge. There were four rooms (one isn't shown in the episode as it would have given away that we were there). 

As we were settled in with a plate of food my phone lights up with a skype call…from Jin. Me and you both panic because there was no way we could let it just ring (they would get suspicious) but we clearly weren't in our house. You quickly run out of the room and come back with a massive duvet. You throw it over our heads and tell me to answer the call. All the boys are huddled around Jin, staring into the screen with our darkened faces visible. When Rm questions our setting you calmly explain that we had made a fort and that we were currently in it. The duvet covered any evidence that we were elsewhere and they seemed to believe us, though at one point a malta ad for skincare blasts loudly from the tv and I had to make a dive for the remote. They just wanted to check on us before they slept ready for their flight and we assured them that we were both perfectly okay. You kept looking at V who had a glum expression on his face. You knew that he had to join later on the trip and you wish you could be there to comfort him as he dealt with family problems. J-hope asked what presents we wanted from malta and we played along, asking for shells and loads of pictures. Jk promised to get us all matching malta tops and Jimin said he would try to smuggle malta food through the borders. Everyone eventually and regretfully said goodbye, leaving suga with Jin's phone as he went to the toilet. He makes sure no one is in the room before bringing the camera closer to him and whispering “I know where you really are”. The look on our faces makes him laugh and he says quickly that since the crew weren't inside the BTS house 24/7, they needed someone on the inside to make sure none of the other members found out. He reassured us that no one else knew and goes back to a normal conversation just as Jin walks in to get his phone back. We’ve had a tad to drink and it's gone straight to our eyes so we leave the call and head off to bed. We put everything in room 4 for the time being and sleep there until the boys arrive. The next morning we are up bright and early to get some food to stock up the fridges. The boys get an allowance for things like food and everything but we don't have a budget, so we decided to help them out on things we were certain they wouldn't consider buying like washing up liquid and shampoo. We also travel to a big outlet for a few more clothes since we don't anticipate the heat of malta and knew that dragging 7 males around a shopping centre would be absolute chaos.  ————TIME SKIP ————

We get the news that the boys have touched down in malta and try to think of a plan to surprise them. Since V isn't with them, you decide to save your ‘surprising’ for when he arrives, meaning that you come up with a simple way to surprise the other lot. You call suga secretly when you know he’s away from the others and tell him to get Jin into room number two where I’ll be hiding and waiting. Rushing around, we clean the house up so that it's not obvious someone is already there and when we hear the sounds of voices outside the hotel we get into position. I hide in room two and you wait on the porch out of sight. In our places, we hear the boys enter and their voices echo around the large living room. We’ve been with them so much that we can tell that its j-hope who leaps up the stairs and jimin that follows with lighter steps. They inspect every single room except from room 4 which they are told is the staff's room and off-limits which they respect. Suga lingers a little longer in each room to see if he can spot either of us but even he can't see any trace of us. After they have excitedly run around the whole house, they gather in the front room to decide on who sleeps where. When you know the coast is clear you sneak into the kitchen and boil the kettle. None of the boys seem to notice the sound from the front room and you get ready for your surprise. You wait a few moments then in your most casual voice ever you call out “who else wants a tea?”. The boys freeze in their places. They were used to you calling that back at home but there was no way that they all imagined it in their heads at the same time. None of them move, they are actually a bit scared that it could be a ghost. When no one replies to you, you smirk knowing how scared they must be. Since no one wants to check the kitchen for ghosts Jk decides to reply as a joke “ Me please?”. When you shout back an “okay!�� Everyone in the room loses their shit. J-hope jumps into Jks arms while jimin, who is sat closest to the kitchen stares motionless at the source of the voice. Rm is counting staff and tells everyone that it's not a staff member as they are all present. After a couple more minutes you give in , too excited to keep the secret and walk calmly into the living room. “one or two sugars?” you ask calmly and everyone roars in surprise. J-hope and Rm run up and tackle you into a hug. Jk claps in pure surprise while suga laughs hysterically.

 No one can really formulate a sentence other than “What, how, why?” as they stare at you in disbelief. J-hope clings to his chest and in fake annoyance tells you that he legit thought he was talking to a ghost. You perch a seat next to him and giving a knowing look to suga who explains he was in on it. Among all of this, jin looks around as though searching for something or someone. You put on your acting head again (you’re surprisingly good) and look sadly at him. “Faith really did want to come,” you say comfortingly “But there were too many things going on”. He smiles kinda sadly but insists that he understands, after all you’re there and that's amazing! They try and get you to tell the story of how you got to malta but, knowing that you cant without mentioning me, you suggest they pick rooms now and you can talk over dinner. You also make them swear not to tell V and they all pinky promise. Jin is a bit quiet and you lot all try to get him to perk up. Suga tells him that maybe room number two is the best option for him so that he can stay up later in peace to skype me at night. It seems to have worked since he takes the bait and chooses room number two. I've been hiding in the wardrobe for a little over an hour now and you’ve had to come in with some cut up apple so that I don't die in the heat of the cupboard. As Jin sits on his bed with his back facing me I quietly creep up behind him and put my hands over his eyes. He obviously thinks my hands are jimins and lets down his guard for a brief moment to tell “jimin” that he wished I was there. It's only when i let go of his eyes that he turns around and his jaw hits the floor. He looks at me then to the, now open, wardrobe with bits of apple inside, then back to me before engulfing me in a huge bear hug. He is totally silent and we stay there for a while in a big ole hug. RM comes in to check on Jin and when he sees me he shouts “NO WAY!”. You hear this and gather that I've come out of hiding so a hint that the boys should go to Rm.

 For the second time, the guys are dumbfounded and super excited. Jimin slings an arm around you playfully and ruffles your hair with his hand (He is the ONLY one that can just about get away with this for you). Jk joins in with mine and jins hug and tips the three of us over on the bed which creates a massive bundle with everyone. We all sit up, now all on the double bed overlapping limbs and i notice Jin secretly wipe a few tears from his eye but his smile tells me those are happy tears. We stay on the bed for the whole story of how we ended up in Malta and tell them that room 4 was actually our room. Suga makes a joke about how I may as well move my stuff to room 2 with Jin and you stay in room 4 to share with V which makes the three of us (excluding V obviously) blush slightly. But Jin says its a great idea and I can't help but grin that the male i have feels for actually wants to share a room with me. They are filled in on the rules that we are not to be filmed as best as possible for safety reasons and that the editing team is good enough for us to still join in and be edited out later on. No one has really noticed that time has passed so drastically until Rm, whose shoulder you are leaned on, looks out the window to see the Sun beginning to ever so slightly set. It triggers a wave of hunger in all of us and as we get up and stretch, we divide jobs up in order to make dinner. With it still being light outside you , Jimin , Jk and Suga go and explore a bit and get some fresh air while me , j-hope ,Jin and RM go in another direction to get food for later.

SO I made up a whole Tae story for my best friend and wanted to share it with you so if you want another part feel free to ask! Writing isn't my strong point so its more of a casual story ? 

[spideyjlaw]

My Avengers Endgame World Premiere experience

this is really long, lota rambling feel free to read skim anything idc, no spoilers bc this was on Monday before I saw the movie :) 

Ok Ima start Saturday night, this is when I was packing making and painting my posters that said “Thank You Avengers”, I live in California so I didn’t have to fly to this event. At 12am we (my family) we arrive in Los Angeles around 5am. At this time I thought that the premiere was going to be at El Capitan Theatre where it was originally supposed to be. We drive by the theater and we see no one is in line which was weird bc normally there would be people here already so i search and find the location which was switched last min (smh) the drive to the next location wasnt too long but at least i knew i was at the right location bc of the small group of fans and the giant poster that said Avengers Endgame World Premiere. Apparently they changed the location bc they needed a larger screening room and they didnt want tons of fans showing up, there were these girls that were waiting at the El Capitan for 2 hours before they realized something was up. Anyway, we get in line. People who were in charge told the people who stayed over night to go home bc there wasnt going to be a fan area. No one left ofc who would hell no. Then some people went on twitter to talk about it made signs it was confusing but we ended up in a fan area after going through security. We got into the fan area at 12 ish and we had to stand there for another 4 and a half hours before anything exciting happens. Now its around 4pm people are starting to arrive. (THIS IS WHEN THE ACTION STARTS) Benedict Wong then Joe Russo. Not many came all the way down the line, I was the last one on the line before it wrapped around the corner. But I did want to get barricade and able to see action so Im grateful for my spot. Then Anthony Mackie arrives he’s walking to end of the fan area around the small corner but as hes walking right as he gets near me i scream at the top of my lungs, he stops right in front of me and i go “AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!ANTHONYYYYY MACKiE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!” he looks at me biggest smile. We had a whole moment together its hard to explain its kinda like a ‘you had to be there moment’ i was the longest person probably a good 20 seconds (which is a long ass time in these times when they are in a rush) he was at and while im screaming and fangirling he air grabs my head to fucking sign my forehead i closed my eyes and accepted it he didnt do it ofc but he was just a fun guy i love him soooo much he signs my posters while saying “There’s no black guy on here” (i did an original 6 themed avengers poster) but he signed than signed my bosslogic poster which he was in. paul rudd comes by hes just a rocking dude i love scott lang sm, he was so sweets v cool guys sm love for him. Then at around 5pm Chris freaking Hemsworth arrives I loose my shit and so does everyone else. Just like Joe, Benedict Wong & Anthony he also went around the corner to make sure they got all of the fans (thank u to all who did this). Ive loved Hemsie for the longest time, i did get teary eyed but i didnt cry (yet) he was just the sweetest I was able to take a crappy photo with him bc i wasnt able to function properly as i took the pic my dumbass was like “iLOvEyoUsOmUCh” its oka cause he has the cutest smile and the bluest eyes oh and i cant stress enough he smelled so good sooooo good normally i hate when guys coat themselves in cologne cause it smells bad, but his didnt, his smelled so good i was so shook like chris drop what cologne u used idc its for guys mama neeeddds. THEN IT hAPPENEd CHRISTOPHER ROBERT EVANS DRIVES BY. Everyone was like “omg is that chris evans?!”  I stand on the barricade to see if i can catch a peak, istg the moment the fucking moment he gets out the car i start to bawl my eyes out. This man who has meant more to me than anyone is over there i couldnt believe i was seeing my favorite human ever. I’ve only sobbed right as i saw my fave once before back in 2016 at the Passengers premiere when I met Jennifer Lawrence. People dont really understand the moment like this person has inspired me so much of course im going to cry and sure judge me for it but they helped me through so much. Anyway he looked soo hot in his blue suit and sunglasses. I kinda calm down bc i didnt know if he was going to come all the way down the line and yk my ass wanted a pic but he was cut half way though the people which was upsetting but again im extremely grateful to be able to see him. Then my main fucking man. Sebastian Stan arrives. see ive met the guy before last year at ace comic con (there was tea w my photo op being really messy and i hated it i got a refund u can read about that on my ace comic con post). anyway i see him. i dont cry im trying to wipe my tears i was more prepared cause ive seen him before it was gonna be ok. I lose my shit the man was wearing a baby blue pastel colored suit. fucking beautiful. iconic. very hot of you mr seb ty. hes walking down and hes getting close. he wasnt to smiley, he was taking pics but he was focused on the fans signing for as many fans as possible. He gets to me and he sees our pics then he looks u so we could take a pic and his smile just transforms you can just see his face just glow up it was the truly the cutest this ive ever experience. then we look up from the pic and hes smiling at me i tell him “I love you so much” i hear him chuckle but as he says something his security guy yells “thank you that enough” so ill be posting the vid of us and any lip readers can help a girl out ill love you forever. I ended up being Sebs last person from the fan area. he truly made my day, week fucking year. then other celebs such as jon favreau, benedict cumberbatch comes by. Jeremy Renner comes by. I shoot my shot and make small talk w Jeremy. I go “Hi Jermey how’s your day going?” he goes “I’m doing really good, how bout you?” he signs my things i excitingly tell him “I’m doing great thank you” then he goes “Thank you honey” and smiles at me. It made me really happy, i could tell he was a bit tired but Jeremy is such a sweetheart he doesnt get the credit he deserves i love him sm, ive always has a little part of my heart for Hawkeye. minutes go by. I see Lizzie Olsen, Danai Gurira, beautiful ofc. then i see fucking Mark Ruffalo hes just standing behind one of the SUVs and the sun is on him. He looked like a confused puppy it was so cute and soft, i love my ruffalo buffalo. I took my moment to scream “iS THat MARK ruFFALO?” i dont think he signed for many fans. Scarjo arrives she doesnt sign for many either she looked beautiful v pretty. a little while passes than the most bitching car comes by and stops where the cars stop until the drop off area clears and they can go. we all knew who ever was in that car he was important. then it was his time to go cause the drop off area was cleared. guess who was in the drivers seat. You guessed right. Robert Downey Jr rolling up in an Audi E-TRON, with his wife Susan Downey in the passenger seat. Truly the Tony Stark entrance. he doesnt sign for many ofc. at this time it was getting later near 6pm almost all celebs and guests are inside where the actual premiere set up is. then Vin Diesel comes in. He was the most fan based guy. even though he was running late he ran (literally speed walking) through the whole line of fans around the corner and everything. he had the biggest smile on. wearing his groot jacket. and if u dont know fast and furious are one of my fave franchises of all time so i was having the best time. then that was the last person and we started heading out. i didnt name all who ive seen since there was just to many and i probably missed some things but i loved my experience. i was able to see all the original avengers irl and that made me really happy. this whole cast means the world to me. ill love them forever 

[intheforest-hides-a-light]

Last Chance | Joseph Seed One Shot

a/n: @your-taxidermy made me post this :) Enjoy some sweet and sad drabble with Joseph having a dream of his daughter. Kinda supplemental to The Poison and The Antidote but also could just stand on its own?

RATING: T 

LENGTH: 2.5k

WARNINGS: ...ya might cry?

AO3 

a/n pt. 2: pic isn’t mine, couldn’t find the owner. Will remove if asked 

It was not uncommon for Joseph to have dreams. He’d shut his eyes and the images would play before him. Sometimes memories would come back to life and he’d see the face of his wife or the dark times he spent living in slums and ghettos searching for his brothers. He rarely ever dreamed of his daughter.

But tonight he did.

She was about three years old, an age she never lived to be, toddling around the living room, carrying a soft doll. Joseph sat on the sofa reading a book, the sizzle of his wife’s cooking on the stove in the kitchen excellent white noise to focus to. His daughter was a quiet child, gentle and well behaved. She reminded Joseph very much of John when he was little. A closer look at the girl and she almost had her uncle’s soft eyes.

Joseph set down his book and watched her little legs move about very busy, from one end of the room to the next. She peeked around, searching for something. He grinned at her joyously. She was so precious.

The little girl turned around to look at her father, hurrying over to him as quick as her small legs could carry her.

“Daddy!” She squealed. “Daddy! Daddy!”

He scooped her up onto his lap. “What is it, baby girl?”

She smiled wide, her head leaning on his shoulder, mischievous little eyes looking up at him. He made a silly face and her laughter echoed throughout the small apartment.

“What is it?” He asked her again.

“Bike ride!” She said. “Bike ride!”

He pinched her chubby cheeks. She was impossibly cute and so difficult to refuse.

Joseph checked his watch. 4:35. They had just over an hour until sunset. But he was unsure of how long they had until dinner.

“Go ask mommy.” He said. “Come right back and tell me what she says.”

Thrilled by the importance that the errand gave her, the little girl gently slid off her father’s knees, setting her small feet on the floor. She hurried around the corner, into the kitchen, where her mother was cooking.

“Mommy!” She shouted. “Mommy!”

Joseph could hear his wife’s soft spoken voice. “What is it, sweetie?”

“Can daddy and me go bike ride?”

Joseph knew his wife well. In his mind’s eye he pictured her as she glanced up at the clock above the stove before leaning down to kiss their daughter on the head. “Okay. But only for half an hour. Or the food will be cold.”

The little girl ran back from around the corner, giggling with excitement.

“Mommy said yup b-but only half hour daddy!”

Joseph had already overheard the conversation but he allowed his daughter to deliver the news because he delighted in the glee that it brought her.

“Hooray!” He said for her sake, scooping her up again, this time standing and carrying her over to the closet. He opened the door slowly and let her peek inside.

She gasped, her little eyebrows raising in fear and adventure. “Monsters in there, daddy!”

“No monsters,” he said, pulling the cord that turned on the small light bulb above the coats and shoes, “See?”

She was absolutely amazed. Daddy was her magical hero. He knew how to bring about light and keep the monsters away.

“Which jacket do you want?” He asked her.

“Pink! Pink!” She squealed.

He reached into the closet with one hand and pulled the littlest jacket off the rack. “This one?”

She reached for it, grabbing from him. She snuggled the soft fabric close to her face. “Yup.”

Joseph set her down. “Where are your shoes?”

She bent down and peered into the bottom of the closet. She pointed to a teensy pair of brown boots with owls on them.

“Yes!” He cheered for her. “Can you pick them up?”

She did.

“Good job! Now sit wait just one minute. Daddy’s gonna find our helmets, sweetheart. Then we’ll put our shoes on and get going.”

And that’s exactly what they did. Joseph undid the lock on his bike and checked the tires to make sure they didn’t need any air. There was a baby seat fixed on the front, just behind the handlebars. Joseph lifted his daughter and buckled her in.

He held the handlebars steady as he kicked up the kickstand and swung his leg over the seat.

“Ready to go?” He asked her.

“Yup!” She put her chubby little arms up in their air like the was on a roller coaster. Everything is more fun when you're three.

Joseph started pedaling.

The city was beautiful this time of year. The autumn leaves swirled with the wind. Several floated down from the trees into his daughter’s lap. She giggled and tossed them back up into the air.

“It’s snowing leaves, daddy! It’s snowing leaves!”

Joseph chuckled. “Aren’t they pretty?”

“Yup!”

The cool breeze, the warmth in his heart, the scenery and the speed of the bike all added up to two feelings: freedom and happiness. Here the weight of the world had been turned to nothing but delicate autumn leaves that flew off his shoulders as quickly as they fell there. No worries were in sight. There was no end to the sidewalk in sight. No end to the world in sight.

Atom bombs are the same colors as autumn leaves.

When Joseph woke up reality was intolerable. He wanted so desperately for the dream to continue, to live forever in that golden afternoon with the hushing breeze and the laughter of his daughter in front of him. He wanted to watch her grow up. To teach her how to ride herself. To watch her go to school and make friends and fall in love.

He would never know that happiness. And it was all his fault.

He never doubted the decision to end her life until now. After he saw what she could have been. The man he could have been.

Joseph looked over at the girl sleeping beside him. Sweet Rachel. Loving, doting, gentle Rachel. How could a monster like him share a bed with such an angelic creature? He didn’t deserve her. He knew he didn’t. He cursed himself for lying to her about his daughter.

For a moment he thought he heard God whisper, “Hope.”

He pondered the dream. Perhaps it was not a road that was closed in the past but a glimpse into the future. Perhaps the daughter he strapped into the seat was not the daughter he lost, the child he killed, but the child he was yet to have. And what if the woman in the kitchen was not his wife who died, but the girl who was sleeping beside him?

Reality continued to seep in. Joseph became more and more aware of where he was. At the compound. Near the church. By the river. In Hope County, Montana. He was on a mission to save people from the coming collapse. They were gathering supplies and building bunkers and preaching and saving people. He wasn’t in Georgia anymore. The life he dreamed of and the life he was living couldn’t coexist.

His dream felt farther and farther away. He wanted to drop everything he was doing here and return to the simple life God had shown him while he slept. He needed to think. He needed to understand why God showed him that dream.

Joseph got out of bed carefully, trying not to disturb the sleeping beauty beside him. He put on his jeans, gathered his things, and silently left. Outside the air was brisk and refreshing. The river ran calmly as ever. Joseph wished he knew what that kind of peace felt like. He began the slow walk towards the church.

Once inside, he thought he heard footsteps. The pit pat of a child running. He looked around and saw nothing. His body heavy with sadness, he leaned against the door frame, holding back tears. He looked up.

“Why did you make me do it, God?”

God didn’t answer.

Joseph pulled himself upright and carried himself to the altar, his steps heavy as his heart. He placed a hand on the wood and collapsed. His head sank into his hands. He cried.

He thought he heard a giggle. The joyful sound of his daughter’s squeal as they rode down that hill. He looked around, hoping to see her short, stubby frame and big blue eyes peering at him. He wanted her to run to him. He wanted to lift her up high and sit her on his lap. He wanted to make silly faces at her and hear her shrieking laughter.

But he was met with silence again. He looked up.

“God?” He shook his head. “Why’d you give me that dream? Why did you tell me to…”

His memory played of the pink bundle he held in his arms kicking and struggling for air and the silence that followed.

“I didn’t want to do it, God…” Joseph cried. “Why did you make me do it?”

Again, God didn’t answer.

For the first time in his life Joseph wondered what voice he was really hearing when he pinched that tube. Was it divine? Was it holy? Was it God? Or something dark and gross inside him that he thought was God but wasn’t? A demon perhaps, or Satan himself? The devil had the voice of an angel and Joseph wasn’t wise enough to hear the difference.

He sat there now, plagued by the murky bile of doubt. He doubted himself. He doubted the Project. He doubted if there ever was a God.

“What am I supposed to do?” He asked the void, unsure of what spirits were listening if there were any at all.

He thought of Rachel. He knew she loved him. He wanted to love her but he couldn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to let go of Faith.

Perhaps, because God wasn’t answering, that was just what he was supposed to do.

More tears streaked his face as he relived the dream. He would do anything to get back to that place. Anything to hold that child of pure love. Anything.

But he didn’t think he deserved that happiness after the things he had done.

Rachel did. She was good. She was so good. He didn’t deserve her.

Joseph’s best thought was to start pulling away. Restricting affection towards her. Withdrawing himself so he wouldn’t be hurt once she discovered he was a monster and never wanted to see him again. He felt guilty for sucking her into his world. All he wanted was to go back to the way things were. She reminded him of his past. He wanted to hold on to her forever, just as she was. And he wanted to start over. With her. He didn’t want his past to tarnish him so he lied. But deep down, he knew. He knew she would find out eventually and that there would be no hope for him after that.

“Last chance.” God whispered. “Tell the truth. Confess. Repent. Forgive.”

“She will hate me.” He mumbled.

“Last chance.” The voice said again.

Just then the church door opened. Standing there in the golden glow of sunrise, light traveling through the sheerer bits of her dress, locks of hair falling over her shoulders, was Rachel.

Despite saying her true name in his head, he greeted her with “My Faith.”

She approached him and kneeled beside him. Her soft slender hand reached for his face. She touched him ever so gently and Joseph thought he had been touched by an angel.

“You’ve been crying?” She asked.

He looked into her green eyes, searching for the tools to tell her the truth. He tried to find them. This time he really didn’t want to lie. He didn’t want to lose her.

“I…” he began. Words weren’t coming. Thoughts swirled. Outcomes emerged and receded. His mind was at war with itself. The thought of asking her to marry him right then and there crossed his mind like a shooting star. He knew she’d say yes. She’d do anything for him. But alas the spark vanished before he could make that wish.

She never told him she loved him but he felt it nonetheless. And he’d never say he loved her because he knew his heart would break if he did. What he didn’t understand was that hers broke with each passing day that she didn’t hear those words. And she was too shy, too meek, too unassuming to say them first.

“You don’t have to tell me.” She said. “But I’m here for you if you need it.”

“I had a bad dream.” Joseph lied again. But he stopped himself. “Actually I had a really good dream. The bad part was waking up.”

She smiled that distinctly broad grin of hers. “I used to have those all the time.”

“And then what happened?” He asked, hoping for guidance from this so young yet so wise creature before him.

She looks down and takes his hand. When their fingers lock she looks back up at him. “And then I met you.”

He didn’t deserve that.

He didn’t deserve her .

“Rachel, there’s something I need to tell you.”

Her eyes filled with hope.

He couldn’t tell her what she wanted to hear and he couldn’t tell her the truth.

“Last chance.” God whispered.

But Joseph couldn’t do it.

He stroked Rachel’s hand. His mind was starting to form sentences again. It wasn’t quite what he wanted to say or how he wanted to say it. But it came out. “Promise you’ll never leave me.”

Her other soft hand reached up behind his head and her fingers buried themselves inside his long hair. “You already know I could never do that.”

Joseph took a deep breath. “I’m… I’m not the man you think I am. I…”

He stopped. He couldn’t go on. He knew she’d never look at him the same way again.

God grew angrier. His voice was loud and disciplining. “Last chance!”

“My daughter is dead because of me.”

He watched the light in Rachel’s eyes dim. He didn’t want that light to go out completely. He couldn’t let it.

“She was born early.” Rachel said, trying to soothe him. “It wasn’t your fault. She wouldn’t have lived.”

“The doctors said she was going to!”  Joseph was fighting two battles. He was trying to save face around his current lover and to obey the God he feared. “They told me she would but I…”

“Joseph, listen to me. It wasn’t your fault.”

He hid his face in his hands. He couldn’t do it to her. He couldn’t ruin the picture she had of him in her head. He didn’t want her to know. He never wanted her to find out. He wanted forgiveness but he didn’t want to confess.

It was just too easy to continue the lie.

[nobeliumoxygenoxygen]

Seromina || Firsts

For Sero Ship Week Day 3: Firsts at @seroshipweek​

SUMMARY: Ashido tends to overshare her personal life on social media so it’s only fitting that she shares her favourite moments on it too, right?

But this time, it’s only for one pair of eyes.

GENRE: sero hanta x ashido mina, social media au (I think?)

TEXT from your queen 💕

follow @iloveutapeboi on insta its private but dw youll be accepted start from the first post!!!!!!!!

POSTS

1

[Image: Candid of Sero taken from the side; slightly blurry, low angle as if the photographer was trying to be discreet as they took it. He’s wearing an orange hoodie with black stripes. He’s grinning at someone in front of him and he holds a bitten meat pie in one hand. In the background, there are barely visible bowling lanes.]

Caption: the first time i thought to myself “maybe seros actually cute and i actually like him in a like like way” if that make sense lol. maybe there were other times but this was the earliest memory i could think of. this was after that laser tag game we all played and you did your whole dramatic self sacrificing for me (lol quickest way to my heart - take a laser tag shot for me). 

2

[Image: Image of the city taken from inside a bus. Half the image is of the seats of the bus whilst the other half are buildings of the city. A few people are in the shot, but they’re faces are unrecognisable.]

Caption: first time I realised I was in loveeee (i love youu) how cheesy amirite. its a bus because i realised it when we were going back to ua together after a field trip and idk i just had this light bulb moment ok ugh this is too cheesy were done here ily but im cringing too hard at the cheesinesssss (two posts in and im already dying but im pushing thru!!!!)

3

[Image: 2 puppies being held by someone who is clearly Sero by the look of the arms and his orange black striped hoodie. One puppy in each arm; a white pit bull and a brown one.]

Caption: our not-so-official first date?? idk if you’d call it that but like......we were alone together so idk??? u know i was going to actually confess today but the dogs were so cute they distracted me!! so i forgot lol!!! (theyre only sliiiiiightly cuter than u dw dw!!! 🤣)

4

[Image: Sero’s silhouette inside a movie theater. He’s facing the camera but it’s too dark to see much other than the shadows of his face and the glint of his white teeth in his grin. In the far left of the photo, the Lego Movie is playing.]

Caption: our official first date (tho i guess it was kinda rushed??? considering i literally told u i liked u like an hour earlier lmao but i wouldnt have it any other way ❤️)

5

[Image: Ashido’s room, taken from the doorway. The bed is unmade; the curtains are drawn back to let the sunlight in; the desk is a mess of school books and loose sheets. Ashido’s arms are outstretched in front of the camera; she’s forming a heart with her hands.]

Caption: place we had our first kiss!!! (tho we failed like five times and kept laughing!! the movies are wayyyy too serious - they make it seem like ur not allowed to laugh!! our kisses are so much better😘)

6

[Image: Pathway leading up into a park where cherry blossom trees frame the edges. There are a few passerbys and one dog, legs a blur, running through the image.]

Caption: place i asked you to be my boyfriend because SOMEONE STILL had this WEIRD idea that?? i??? didnt?? like?? them? EVEN AFTER?? LIKE FIVE DATES?? AND FIVE KISSES???

7

[Image: UA Heights Alliance common room. Looking through the windows, it’s night and there’s no one in there but there’s food wrappers strewn across the coffee table and the floor.]

Caption: place you said your first i love you (ok i suppose i shouldnt be salty about the boyfriend asking thing because first ilys are such a milestone!!!! ps. im still sorry i panicked when u said it lmao i love how we laugh about it but i know from sources coughbakuyellingthat1tapeboiwasstressingashell that you almost cried ilyyyyyyyy ❤️❤️❤️)

8

[Image: Close up focus of Sero’s lit up face. He’s giving a close-eyed smile to someone slightly to the left of the camera. Just making it in the frame is a slice of bright blond hair. The background is blurred but it is clearly of a busy beach; the sky is blue and there’s not a cloud in sight. There are two figures, one shirtless with red hair and one wearing a wetsuit cut off at the lower thigh with what might be black or dark purple hair in the water in the far background.]

Caption: when i said my first i love you (i love you toos and i love yous on phones dont count!!! and also u are sooooooo cute in this photo!!! not that ur not always cute ofc 😋)

9

[Image: Text screenshot. (Sent) Ashido: IM SO MAD AT U SERO HANTA ANSWER MEEE (Receiving) Sero: NEVER U TRAITOR (Sent) Ashido: UR THE TRAITOR!!!!]

Caption: first fight :( one of the saddest chapters of my life i hope we never do that again ❤️

10

[Image: Rice with natto on top, chopsticks on the side. The dish is on top of pink, patterned napkins.]

Caption: first (of many!!!!!!!!) anniversaries (see??? taking pics of food is VERY important!! and u dared to make fun of my ‘attempts at being aesthetics’!!)

11

[Image 1: Necklace in shape of a crown with engraving of words “Alien Queen”.  Image 2: Necklace is flipped over with engraving of words “Ashido Mina”.]

Caption: first (of many!!!!!!!!!!) anniversary presents (I LOVE IT SO MUCH WHY R U SO NICEEEEEEE ITS SO CUTE IM WEARING IT EVERYDAY ILY)

12

[Image: From the side, Sero smiling softly, looking up at a beautiful orange sky to match his brighter orange hoodie. His eyes are wide but he’s happy. Behind are a few trees.]

Caption: I love youuuuuuuuuuuu sero hantaaaaaaaaaa and dont you forget it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *spam of heart emojis* (also u r seriously wearing the same hoodie in like five of these pics w h y)

TEXT to your queen 💕

im actualy cryin can i call u

TEXT from your queen 💕

oof  [Image: google search bar “how to comfort crying boyfriend”.] ofc u can!!

CALL TRANSCRIPT:

Sero: How long have you been planning this? I love you so muchhhhhhhh. I’m crying, can you hear my tears? How did you do it? Did you go to every place or were you planning this from the beginning?

Ashido: *laughter* You can’t hear tears dummy. And you’re not meant to cry! Its meant to be a happy thing! *more laughter*

Sero: ...Glad to know your happy about my pain. ...Its amazing I have literally no words Ashido. I love it-I love you and I love us. Thank you so much.

Ashido: Awww don’t make me blush. It was nothing!

Sero: What do you mean NOTHING? Don’t insult yourself Ashido Mina this is...I don’t know-EVERYTHING!

Ashido: Okay that’s true. I’m awesome.

Sero: I’m going to treasure this forever. You’ll never delete this account right?

Ashido: *giggling* Course not!

Sero: It’s too amazing. Seriously, and I gave you the most cliche relationship present ever.

Ashido: Eesh don’t worry! I love my present! Besides it was the final piece for the account!

Sero: If you say so. You know, I don’t think a meme war counts as a fight...in a relationship...

Ashido: Of course it does! I was soooo angry at you. How could you side with Kirishima?! It was so frustrsting! You wouldn’t BELIEVE!

Sero: ...Trust me I believe. *muffled* Especially after you taped me to the ceiling.

Ashido: What was that?

Sero: Nothing! Also how’d you take the pic of your room with your arms in front of you? Is it...*whispers loudly* sorcery?

Ashido: *giggling* You got it. I have a second quirk that I-...I kept secret. Yup. But I’m telling you because you’re my boyfriend and all.

Sero: And I will totally believe you, because you’re my girlfriend, and all. Hey, I know you need your beauty sleep but can I come over--

Ashido: Yes!

Sero: --tomorrow--wait, what?

Ashido: Oh. Well-

Sero: *muffled snort* Someone’s desperate.

Ashido: *huff* Shhh! You can come over anytime!

Sero: Would you really not mind if I came over now? At like...*shuffling* eleven?

Ashido: Is that even a question? If you come over now, I can add it to the journal!

Sero: The journal?

Ashido: The account Sero!

Sero: Okay...Why? It’s not the first time I’ve been to your house. Firsts was the theme right?

Ashido: Yep! And I can make it ‘First night spent together’ wink wink.

Sero: …*muffled laugh* Whatever floats your boat.

Ashido: But you’re getting a cab here right? You better not walk out this late at night!

Sero: I mean, we’re both training to be heroes if we can’t walk out at night then what could we do--

Ashido: Sero you butt!

Sero: --but yes I’m getting a cab.

Ashido: Good! You better stay on the phone the whole time too!

Sero: Of course. I love you Ashido Mina.

Ashido: And I love you Sero Hanta! ...Wait are you still wearing that orange hoodie?

Sero: ...*distant mumbles* Why do you hate my beloved hoodie so much?

Ashido: *equally distant mumbles* If you wear it one more time the photos will think you have one hoodie.

Sero: What would you say if I said yes?

Ashido: I’d say we’ve got our next date planned and you can guess what it is.

Sero: ...I mean, I wouldn’t say no to any time with you anyway?

Ashido: Pfft, stop being cute. Just-alright, whatever. Tomorrow? At whatever time we wake up I guess?

Sero: It’s a date.

A/N: completely forgot that they live in the same building so pretend it’s holidays or something 🤷 buuuut i hope you enjoyed this was harder than expected so im rlly sorry if they seem ooc 😳!! Thanks for reading!!

[rainbowcolouredstudies]

How to get out of a phase of depression/burnout after studying too much

So I got an ask about this recently and I thought I would turn my answer into an organized post for y´all!

What I am talking about

I am not talking about chronical depression or a full-blown burnout diagnosed by a professional. In these cases, please get help from a professional and not on tumblr.

I am talking about working really hard all the time and then suddenly being exhausted all the time. Your motivation is gone, you are tired all the time, you feel like shit and your emotions, your mental health, goes down the drain as well as your physical health. But you have to get out of it because you still have to learn so much, you have finals very soon, a portfolio to finish, whatever. You cannot stop studying for a longer period of time now, but taking a day of simply does not help either. This is the situation I am talking about here and here is what I personally find helpful:

What not to do

Do nothing that harms you in any way. Self-harm is obvious but what I mostly mean is, do not force yourself to study if you feel really depressed. Do not work the whole night, do not skip hours of sleep, don´t start drinking large amounts of coffee just to be awake and being able to focus. (Huge amount of coffee actually can harm your stomach and heart permanently so please always be careful with that!) Don´t forget to eat regularly and at least kinda healthy (you can eat sweets and you don´t have to eat mostly fruit and vegetable and nuts, but don´t eat only junk food), don´t forget to go outside, move around. If you can do sports that would be the best, but if not, go for a walk. Don´t start laying or sitting around all day.

What you should do

Basically you have to leave this phase of depression behind you. This can be really tough and everyone needs different things to manage it, but over time you will figure out what helps you.

You have to start with little steps, you can´t just leap forward back into being hyper-productive. It won´t work and if it does, only for very short and afterwards you conditions will be worse.

I personally feel like there are three phases when recovering from these feelings:

Phase 1

Basics: Consciously decide that you now take some time for yourself. Don´t make any plans regarding studying. Here are some suggestions what you can do to start feeling better. You can do all of them as little first steps, or you can choose one of them or some of them and if that was effective, go on phase 2.

If you have missed a lot of sleep during the last weeks, sleep for as long as you can. Chose a day when you don´t have to get up at a certain hour, and don´t set an alarm. When your mind tells you to get up and work, but you still feel tired, keep sleeping. If you can´t sleep anymore, lay in bed, try to turn off all your thoughts and soon your body will win over your mind and you will sleep on. Really take the concious decision that it is ok for you to sleep as long as you need that day, or you´ll feel guilty and stressed and it wouldn´t help.

If you like music, and have the possibilty, go to a concert you like. Let yourself fall into the music, the lyrics, the beat. Scream and sing from the top of your lungs, jump and dance, forget about everything else, cry till you have no more tears, laugh till your body hurts. Experience yourself, the event and the emotions to the fullest. It will have a cleansing effect on you and you will feel so much better afterwards. (Of course this might be impossible to do that spontaneous, but you can book a concert ahead of time next time. Chose one that is during a stressful phase and really force yourself to go there. If you like concerts, you will not regret it, despite the loss of studying time.)

If you can´t go to a concert, or you don´t like them, but music and the lyrics mean a lot to you. In this case you surely know an artist, an album, a playlist, with songs that help you. That make you think opitmistic, that pick you up when you are down, that make you dance or at least want to move. (I don´t know about your music taste but for me The Cruxshadows are simpy the best in these situations (but only their new stuff)!) If you know the lyrics, sing to them. If you feel way too down to identify with the positivity of the songs, but you once did identify with them, force yourself to listen to them anyways. Sing along, as much as you can. If you don´t know the lyrics, listen to the songs on repeat, move to them, dance. You might feel like they don´t work because this world of positivity and light and hope and happiness is far away from your own world, but your subconscious will register them, and they will start to work in your subconscious. It may take time till you notice it, but it does work.

One important question is, if you still feel emotions? I´ve experienced two kinds of depression in such situation, one where I could cry all day and about everything, and one where I feel nothing at all. Another tip with music for both cases

 a) constant despair, panick, crying all the time: Of course under the assumption that you love music and that lyrics or songs can help you in hard times. Sort your bands/songs into three kinds: 

Sad, total despair, perfect for crying and being down and depressed.

Not really positive, but also not really negative. They are not really optimistic but there is some hope in the lyrics, or something that gives you a bit hope.

Optimistic lyrics, with lots of hope and light and happiness and positivity in them. 

Now start with number 1. Cry all your tears out, but make sure you know why you are crying. Think about what makes you cry. Is it the stress? Is it fear of not passing your finals? Is it something else that tears you down? Focus on these thoughts and cry until you don´t feel the need to cry anymore. Get up, wash your phase, chose songs from number 2. Search for songs that feel right in that moment. Search for songs that give you the feeling it can slowly get better. Listen to then, for hours, maybe days. Let the songs slowly be more and more optimistic,  but don´t overwhelm yourself because then you might feel you can never reach your goal. Once you feel like it, listen to number 3. Do this as much as you can. Now, this suggestion may take some days time so I would advise you to use one day for step 1, after you stopped crying use the time for yourself, don´t force yourself to study. Just make sure you are listening to bands from step 2. Starting with the next day, try to slowly start studying again during step 2 and 3.

b) In case you don´t feel anything at all: You have to start feeling again. WITH THAT I DON`T MEAN YOU SHOULD HARM YOURSELF. Just to make this clear: this is NOT the right way to start feeling again. But there are two healthier ways to start feeling emotions again:

You can try to trigger sadness and despair with songs from number 1. Find a song that truely breaks your heart. Or a movie, a book. It may sound brutal but it can really help you out of this apahty and tiredness. Then do the same as described about, let out all the emotions and then go to number 2 and 3.

Or you can try to trigger happiness and hope (which is way harder but it can work): Look at pics of your greatest memories, remind yourself of something beautiful in life. Watch your favorite music video, hug a loved one, stroke a pet. Just try to get a happy emotion.

If music is not so much for you, try something more physical. Go for a walk, do some sports, like yoga or running or whatever feels good to you. Make sure you are not to hard on yourself, your goal is not to work out really hard, loose weight, build muscles. Your goal is to get in touch with your body again. Start with short work outs and stop before you are totally exhausted.

Go out in nature and experience everything totally conscious. Breath in the air and feel how it fills your lungs. Breath out and focus on the feeling of the air leaving your lungs. Try different breathing rhythms, deep and long breaths, short and shallow, till you can really focus on your breathing. Feel the ground beneath your feet, the asphalt beneath your shoes, or the grass, stones, earth, moss. If possible, go into a forest or somewhere else calm and natural. Listen to the sounds of nature, focus on them. Listen to birds sing, or to a stream, to the wind, to the sounds of footsteps in snow, or the sound of leaves in a soft wind. Focus on them. It may make you cry or sentimental, but it will also help you. Touch as much as you can, grass, leaves, bark, cold water, snow, ice. Focus on the sentation, the texture of what you are touching, the feeling it leaves behind on your skin once you break contact.

Do something creative. I don´t mean you should decorate your bujo! This work related again and therefore the wrong thing. Draw, write, play an instrument. Not with the goal to be good, but with the goal to relax, turn off your thoughts, focus on the process of creating and that process alone.

Eat avocados. May sound weird, but they help against depression.

Drink green tea. It wakes you up and brightens your mood. But you should never do only that, do it to support other steps you chose or it will just be a short-time solution.

Phase 2

Basics: So you feel a little bit better now, more in touch with yourself, a little more hopeful. You now want to start studying again but not to much and not to stressful. Go easy about it.

Break down what your tasks are. Write everything down, every little detail, no matter how soon or how late you need it. Everything you don´t need very very soon, like within a week, you put away for now. What is left is what you have to do soon.

Make a list till which day the tasks are due. Write every little task down. If they are big tasks, like “I have to learn 3 chapters of maths till Wednesday”, break the chapters down into smaller parts. Start doing small, short tasks that take you only some minutes. Afterwards, tick them off, cross them out, realize you actually got something important done. Take a break, do something for yourself, like listening to music, dancing, some sports, going for a walk, reading. Don´t take too long, but make sure to take these breaks.

Once you feel you´ve been productive, try to do bigger tasks, focus longer. Slowly increase the amount of work you do and don´t overwork yourself. Don´t stress, don´t skip meals, don´t work late into the night. Make sure you take of yourself or you soon will have a relapse again.

Phase 3

Basics: You want to go back to normal studying, with hours of productivity each day, but without having a relapse.

Face your long-time goals again, but this time, try another perspective. I don´t know that much about school systems from other countries, but in my country it is like that: if you fail a final, you can try again 3 or 4 months later, and you have 3 of 4 chances.

Realize that you don´t have to get only As. You don´t even need good grates, as long as they are positive, everything is great! Remember, your own health is more important than your grades and more important than your reputation at school. Don´t think about people that might me better than you, or a teacher that might be diasppointed in you, if you don´t get straight As. Focus on your own health. Even if you don´t pass all your finals…what do you loose? Some months. Some months of probably 80 years of life-time. Some months, in which you can study without stress, without harming your own health. Some months, that might actually benefit your mental in physical health, if you don´t put too much pressure on you. Just because you failed a final, does not mean you are a failure or you will fail in life, fail when you try again or fail other finals. Accept the possibility of failing and put it into perspective with life. It really is not that tragic,although it might seem to you that way.

Now go to work again with a whole different mindset. You hopefully now overcame this phase of depression, but you have to be careful or you might have a relapse soon. If you realize that you start feeling worse again, stop immediatelly with the preassure and take some time for yourself. Maybe go back to phase 2 or even 1 if you need to.

You now might be studying many hours a day again but there are still some things you should include in your every-day life:

Eat kinda healthy. Eat avocados (not every day of course, but regularly)

Listen to music that helps you.

Remember to take breaks and use these breaks for yourself. Not for studying with a friend, not for your bujo or organizing something.

Make sure you always stay in touch with your body and your feelings and emotions. Let fresh air in and breath it consciously.

Go for walks regularly. Being in nature or if you life in a city, even out of your school, house or flat can help a lot.

Do sports, yoga, stretches, or dance to music.

Go to bed at a reasonable time. Reasonable does not mean when your work is done, but when you need to to live healthy.

Don´t block out the people around you. Talk to friends, not about school but about other stuff. Talk to family, spend some time with them, even if its only a phone call.

Let noone stress or preassure you. Tell them to stop if they do, or don´t listen to them.

If others are further in the process of learning for a subject, don´t let this get to you. You don´t need to be as good as them at school, you don´t need straight As, and everyones learning process and pace is individual. Don´t compare yourself to others but focus on making process at your own pace.

Don´t forget to reward yourself for the work you´ve done. This can be your favorite sweets or favourite food, a good movie or a nice book. This could be meeting friends or maybe just some alone time.

Don´t forget to track your progess. Just because you are in phase 3 and more or less back to normal again does not mean you can´t break down your work into small pieces when writing them on your lists. You can do more several small tasks in a row, and then tick off quite a lot at once.

Realize what you got done when the day comes to an end. Don´t focus on what still needs to be done, but focus on your progress.

And most importantly, believe in yourself and that you can do it. I believe in you and you should too! ✨

Another thing you can do, but only if you think it could help you and if you are fully comfortable doing this, you can go to the teacher you trust most and talk to them. I actually did this in my last year of highschool and she helped me so much!

[machinehead]

MORE CORNELL

Below is a collection of the most interesting replies to my General Journal inbox and our Facebook page. There are many, many, many more great/fantastic replies in the FB thread here: https://www.facebook.com/MachineHead/posts/10154745571783823 But these are the ones that hit me the hardest for whatever reason. Reading everyone's replies made me realize that it’s been a very difficult thing to process for many of us.  I appreciate the well wishes from everyone.  Don’t worry about me, I’m fine.  Yes, it triggered something dark inside me, something closer to the surface than I realized.  Writing/talking helped me process it. Talking about it on our group-text helped a lot, talking about it with my guys at practice helped a lot.  Writing the journal helped a lot, reading you’re replies helped a lot. And so I’m sharing your replies to hopefully help anyone else struggling with this. It needs to be discussed. His suicide, depression, mental health, whatever we want to call needs to be addressed. We need to get over our uber-macho, alpha-male-society, and be able to talk about these things.  For ourselves, for our kids, for our future. My oldest son had heard Genevra and I talking about Cornell. Driving him to school 2 days ago, he asked me how he died.  I told him. He didn’t understand why someone would do that. It was tough conversation.  And my first thought was to not tell him what it meant, but then my larger fear went to "what if he feels this way already?”  And before you go, “oh kids don’t feel that way, kids are just happy all the time”, I have 2 friends who are going though it with their tween/teenagers.  So we spoke about it, and I told him "I hoped that him and Wyatt never felt that way because THAT scared me even more." It was heavy… How any parent lives through that I’ll never know. Back when the news broke, the band/crew were talking over the group-text, Phil shared something amazing with us.  It was a post from our long-time friend Steffan Chirazi.  He had posted his eloquent thoughts regarding Cornell's suicide (written before suicide was confirmed). If you read only one of the replies below, scroll to the bottom and read his. It’s well worth your time. ——————————— From: Paul Miller Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals Yeah man. I know that's not a formal way to start a reply, but that last line, "Listen, Honor, Remember Chris Cornell"... that's the truth. Did so today.  Soundgarden was one of those bands that I listed to and enjoyed, but I didn't run it into the ground.  It was great music, and I didn't want to burn myself out on it.  It would rotate, but I'd save it for special occasions.  When "Black Hole Sun" hit MTV, I'd find myself turning the tv so that I wouldn't get sick of it, but it became unavoidable for awhile (at least here in Indiana). I appreciate your words.  They ring true here, too.  Never got that low, but my thoughts have been dark enough.  It scares me, too.  But, I want to forge ahead for my 5 year old - she is what keeps me runnin'. All the best to you, and thank you for the music through the years. I'm sure you hear people say that your music helped them through rough times.  I believe it.  It kept me focused on doing something personally productive to develop my chops as I wore out the cassette of 'Burn My Eyes' while learning to play your riffs!  So, thank you for that. Take care, Paul From: Rochelle Mangan Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals Thank you for this, I loved reading it and am enjoying re listening to a lot of the songs and albums you mentioned with a different perspective on them (this is something I enjoy doing with music a lot, listening to things after people have told me their ideas and opinions on them etc). I just want to say though that I hate the "they had so much to live for" type comments. Even if it's done from an emotional, irrational state, I can't not say something about it. I will find it hard to express concisely and over email the many reasons why but one of the main things is this.... Mental health is hard to deal with because it's invisible, it's so easy to feel like you're a flawed person somehow rather than recognise you are actually unwell. This can mean that experiencing severe depression or whatever when everything in your life is "going great" can (in my experience) often make it so much more confusing and distressing. I'm definitely not saying it's harder to deal with if your life's great! But, if things aren't great - you've lost your job, you're struggling with a relationship etc it's easier to sort of say to yourself "well of course I'm struggling".  I feel like it's also sometimes easier for others to empathise with you if they can see some logical reasons why. It's also easier to get help from public health services (in NZ anyway). When I'm in a bad patch and I have good things happening in my life I ALWAYS find it harder to not do damaging behaviours because my external things are so at odds with what's happening internally. It's like a big war going on and it is so confusing, so exhausting, just one massive dangerous mind fuck! Anyway I hope this doesn't make you feel worse than you may already be feeling, I don't mean it to. I just feel that it's important to say these things sometimes. I know suicide can be confusing to people but as you may know, when you're there, it's not. Thank you for your ramblings and your even more amazing music. It has definitely kept me alive in a big way numerous times. Rochelle xxx From: Anita Hoeve Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals Even though I'm a Machine Head fan from the start, and I really enjoy your journals, I don't normally respond to them. Surely you have better things to do than read all the comments, but wow, this day really sucked, didn't it? I was utterly shocked to hear about Chris' passing. Even more to learn it was suicide. Feel so sad that he felt this was the only way out. I love his voice, his music, listened to Superunknown just last week. Between all the social outpourings I read today, yours really stood out. Thank you for your story, your memories. For really taking the time to share them with us. They got to me. Take care Robb, give your kids and Genevra an extra big hug tonight. Love, Anita From: "Kondalski, Joe" Subject: RE: CHRIS CORNELL To: 'The General Journals' I was at the Fox Theater last night to see Soundgarden, here are a couple of pics from the show. We were in the front row and Chris gave us fist bumps and was very engaged  with the fans during the show. Ps- these are cell phone pics, I will send some pics from my camera later. Feel free to post this pics anywhere. From: Fábio Gil Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL To: The General Journals From a 34 year old fan boy trying to play it cool: if you need help, go and search for it and solve your shit, man. We all have demons and hard things we can't handle by ourselves, sometimes. So, for this fanboy, and millions around the world, for whom your TALENT and music inspires so fucking much, put yourself together and "headup". I have a band and we are looking for a proper singer for a time now, maybe a year... And you, dear Robb, your vocal approach, your melodies, ressonate in my head, pushing me to break my barriers and fears and step to the mic (I play of the guitars). This is how much you inspire me. And I'm... just one. Imagine what you do daily to your legion of fans. Is there anybody out there? Yea. There is. Always. From Portugal, with MUCH MUCH love, Fábio Gil. From: Jean-Baptiste Collinet Subject: Re: CHRIS CORNELL SPOTIFY PLAYLIST To: The General Journals Thanks for the playlist, Robb. Great choices, many almost-unknown songs. Great. Well, I tought about dropping a serious line about how Chris somehow "changed my life" (I know, that's so cliché, but I'm at loss for words, damnit). But I was too down last time you wrote about him. Not only did Chris, as a human being, kinda "redirected" me on a safer, healthier path… even if we never met (if there's heaven or hell, we may meet sometime. Let's be a hopeless optimistic-pessimist!) His music... Boy, it's just gut-tearing to think about the loss of the man who opened my mind and my ears enough to stop my technical frenzy and stage thirst for a huge while, and made me start listening instead of merely hearing. I even put aside performing for years, and I just started again maybe a few months ago. Not as a Swedish Melodeath drummer and guitarist, but as a viola da gamba soloist. Talk about a ride. It doesn't look like it, but both worlds share much more than one may think. Not sure I would have made it so far without Chris. Chris had this ability to quickly grok and understand the world and music in an unbelievably holistic way. If that's not inspiring, I don't know what is... I could go on and on, rambling. Enough. Chris has still much to "teach" us, even if he's not "there". He made me wonder if we're not the dead, wrongly thinking we're alive. How can we dare think we're right? What if the ones we think of as dead/fallen are the ones alive? Anyone has an answer to this? Jean-Baptiste Collinet @Rich Hoit I both love and hate this. I love the passion, the honesty, and the wish to not shy away from the raw and heartfelt feelings towards a fantastic front man, singer, musician, friend and man. So much respect for that. I hate the fact that it had to be written so soon 😢 Bravo, Machine Head, a great piece and a great sentiment. And thank you, Chris Cornell. @Ashley Merritt You're strong as fuck Robb because you actually wrote how you feel honestly like this, helping anyone struggling with mental illness.. it helps to know that you're not the only one and the way you feel frankly is exactly the way I do. What a trip. Being open and around good folk means everything, there's always an up after a down. Always. @Theresa Alaimo Very proud of you, Robb Flynn, Machine Head, for this tribute to Chris. A s a journalist for my magazine, Black Planet, in New Mexico, I ran for over 15 years, I too am grieving for Chris Cornell, that beautiful man with an amazing voice. During the Voivod Tour they played at a club a few blocks from my work space apartment and the promoter asked if I could steam the crab legs for Soundgarden at my place. Delivering a plate of steaming hot crab legs to the beautiful Chris and looking into his eyes, made my legs steam as well. I believe I said, "Your Majesty, I present you with steaming hot crab legs" and bowed. I was such a dork, but I was so overwhelmed by his aura. I was also at the Foundations Forum where I saw Soundgarden and met you and other great guys. I interviewed you and we all became friends and hung out with Pantera, Biohazard, Exodus, STP, Lemmy, Pearl Jam, Iron Maiden and up and coming new bands for a weekend. I still have my Scorpions beer mug they handed out from their helicopter flight, it was a great experience. Anytime you are feeling sad or depressed Robb, try to remember that you are a talented musician, a beautiful man and maybe not every woman in the world wants to fuck you, but be your friend and will listen if you need to talk. I might not ever know if you read this, Robb Flynn, but at least it's out there. We all love you and need you to stick around. We've lost too many, Dimebag, Peter Steele, Wayne Static, Scott Weiland, Layne Staley, Lemmy, just to name a few and when we barely catch our breath, then we lose another. We can't lose you too, our hearts are already broken. @Matt McDonald "And I think I'm strong, but I'm not. I'm not as strong as I project, and I'm not sure if I'm stronger than depression. Because I sink into it sometimes. And it's black. I hope I am. I need to be for my kids. For my wife... for myself." God damn that shit hit me. So personal, so profound, and so relatable. Counseling, medication, therapy... none of that is a guarantee. Whether it's a bout of sadness or full on throes of suicidal depression, sometimes the hardest part for overcoming it is simply reaching out. Be it pride, shame, guilt... find a way to overcome, find something that helps you out of the funk. Music can be so powerful, so thank you for still being here to share your deeply personal thoughts and feelings, and for continuing to make music. You never know how much it could help even just one person, I think that's reason enough to continue. Thank you! @Jennifer May It can be really hard to admit, you worry that you'll be labeled as an attention seeker or told that you just need to cowboy up and try harder to be happy. Medication is still really stigmatized and expensive, and talk therapy can seem intimidating. I'm very, very lucky and grateful that my mama works in mental health so I've had someone to help me navigate the system. RIP Chris, we lost one of the greatest today. @Phil Stein No matter how much one tries to capture the range of emotions evoked by Chris Cornell's vocals, the description falls short of what he could do and what he could convey. Let alone the beauty, poignancy and power that he could generate. It was like hearing a 5 course gourmet dinner from appetizer through dessert - it was varied and more than that delicious vocally. Thanks for the great description and memorial For Chris Robb. It's so on point and fitting. Perfectly stated!!! @Mark Garcia It's the asshole in me but I will never grieve for someone who takes their own life. I can appreciate all the words from fans and I may not have been a fan of sound garden some of the songs were worth listening to. This band as well as the grunge "sound" never resonated with me so maybe that's why as well. @Jimmy James Brute honesty again from mr Flynn. Bravo this is why we love you and machine head. Depression does fucking suck and you don't shy away from talking about it. RIP Chris Cornell! Man I was actually a big soundgarden fan back in the 90s before discovering metal. @Siri LH Thank you for your honesty and reflections! Highly interesting to read. I can relate to the sadness and the mind fuck. Soundgarden was the band that sparked my love for heavy music. I've been depressed myself and always felt comfort in listening to Chris Cornell's voice. It resonated with my mind. The darkness felt lighter when I put on a Soundgarden album. I was comforted, like someone got my mood. Whenever I've felt lost, I've put on some Soundgarden and found myself again. Soundgarden feels like the essence of my being and I will always be deeply grateful for their music, and for Cornell's voice, lyrics and mood. I've seen them live once and I smiled the whole show through. Eternal love for Chris Cornell and Soundgarden <3 My heart goes out to his loved ones. @Austin Kokel I saw them on Lollapalooza '96, and I'm glad to hear you say what I felt at that show. I was only 15, but I had Badmotorfinger and Superunknown and I absolutely loved both and was right up front. The band was definitely in a funk, and the bassist was an asshole, spitting on and insulting the crowd (and bot in the fun Ramones way I experienced an hour earlier). I try to explain their set to people now, and I can't. I'm glad to hear my 20+ year old sentiments echoed. That said, I always wondered about him after that day, but I never saw this coming either, not this far down the road. Thanks for your honesty and insight, Robb. We love you. We love Machine Fucking Head. Be strong. @J Ake Hess You've expressed so many feelings and thoughts rattling around in my head today that I just couldn't find words to put to. Cornell will always be uniquely amazing and in a class​ by himself. I was listening to his cover of Prince's Nothing Compares 2 You just last night and letting myself become entranced by his unique sound and incredible voice. Today I am sad, angry, and a bit enthralled with my own mortality. Nobody is immune and sometimes the struggle is too much for even the people with everything to live for. I can't imagine what his family is feeling today. Beyond tragic… @Steffan Chirazi No-one can be sure why he is dead, and when it is appropriate, we will know. But depression is a very, very real thing. It is a part of life, but for some, it carries deadly lows and utterly crushing weight along with a gravitational pull into darkness that many of us cannot fathom. I sometimes fight the rabbit hole. I see it, I feel it, I flirt with its edges, but then I bury my head in the dog or hug the cat or take deep breathes and get outside and find a piece of mental architecture to grab hard, fast and haul myself out. I am very lucky. I am slightly brushed with depression and anxiety, but fortunately I am always able to find the light. Fortunately I still retain enough of my natural mental antibodies to find the path out quickly and efficiently. There is no doubt that age makes that path harder to find sometimes, as a consequence of both the physical being and some of the inevitabilities which come with your 50s (such as more people in your circle dying). Others are not so lucky. It isn't because they 'don't want to' or 'aren't trying hard enough' or 'don't love their familes' or anything remotely like that. It isn't ever for the lack of trying. It is because depression (and anxiety) are a crushing, debilitating disease which this country, this planet, seems largely unable to recognize. We push people to the outer regions of anxiety and depression with no care that there are some who fall headfirst into a rabbit hole tornado and only through regular (and possibly unrecognized miracles) find themselves hurled into the escape bunker as opposed to the abyss. Yeah. Imagine that. A tornado that escalates within minutes from a slight, chilly breeze, a tornado that offers no pattern as to when it will appear. And imagine that the only help which can come your way is a bunker miraculously opening up beneath your feet and drawing you to a womb of safety until the tornado passes… ...Often, people with clinical depression will self-medicate. Not because they 'like to fucking party' but because there is no other way out. It's 'easier' to take a swig, take a pill, take a hit. It keeps the darkness in the distance and the tornado (when it pops up) is smashed into smithereens by the 'medicine’. Let me, by the way, be VERY clear. I am NOT saying he was doing ANY of that. He had his dances back in the old days, ones he has been very open about. But I thought he had left that behind. I honestly don't know but feel he had for some time. Whatever eh? Because we judge anyway. Yet we judge. We judge in all senses and all ways. Why do they do that? Why do they behave that way? Who do they think they are? Why can't they just cheer up...? Why are they being such an asshole? Yeah, cheer up will ya? You're handsome or pretty or rich or famous or successful or ALL of those things. Come on. All you gotta do is think about how much worse so many other people have it. Who do you think you are? There are people with 'real' problems out there… I heard the same shit about Cobain and Staley. Listen, does anyone really believe that they wanted to go? That they didn't with every sinew wish in their more lucid moments that they could find a way out? Of course not. Pain is one thing, emotional pain is a whole other ball of wax, but add that to a chemical equation in your DNA that can (without warning) turn your colours to black and white, your peripheral vision to a short, narrow tunnel and which leaves your light feeling cold-negative and it is clear to see that this disease is both monstrous and potentially crippling. The thing with tornados is that when you're in one, they don't afford you the 'luxury' of contemplation. Especially when it is your own chemicals, your own imbalances through no fault of your own, which rise from nowhere to envelope you in that tornado; I never heard of anyone caught in one who was able to see straight, let alone reason with themselves. Fortunately some find their way out. They discover a regular path out of the fog, and they can stick to it. That is not to judge people who cannot; every situation is different. But some simply can't. They try and try and try again. Maybe they achieve success in escaping dark moments, and maybe they eradicate self-medication and triggers from their lives with the help of great local support. However there are never guarantees. Again, I don't know why he died. I spent a little time with him here and there, enough to know that for years, there was a dark moodiness which expressed itself via his generally quiet way and rich lyrics. Later on he certainly spruced himself up, chucked in the deeper self-medications, and seemed a lot more comfortable with life than when he wrote the semi-self-ridiculing "Jesus Christ Pose" but what did I know? Apparently not much at all… ...If you see a friend struggling, if you sense or feel a friend or family member is drifting near a rabbit hole, please, check-in with them. However you have to, either directly or just create an excuse to see them, to talk to them. We are so emotionally guarded that we perhaps see it as 'intruding' or 'sticking our noses in'. Know your friends. Know your family. Be kind whenever you can with them, have a laugh or crack a shit joke. But touch base. Do it today. Much love to everyone who suffers and is either marginalized, trivialized or simply ignored. Much love to those getting assistance in their ongoing battle. Subscribe to The General Journals: http://thegeneraljournals.hosted.phplist.com/lists/?p=subscribe