#i try to stick to my values here while experimenting

[nomstellations]

i wish there was a way for the k.ink vore and sfw vore people to either get along or leave eachother alone im sick of the "OOOOH PEDOPHILE!!1!! junk"

love your blog btw its very comforting -gnonymous

gnonymous...gnome anonymous...can i call you that actually

either way, there is definitely a way to do that (i'm a nonsexual vore blog that allows nsfw blogs to interact, and typically they're very respectful!) i think what has to happen first is a change in how we talk about vore and to each other. even though i never see the hostility claimed i don't doubt its happening, and with there being TWO groomers/creeps exposed here recently you'd think people would want to exercise more caution instead of digging in their heels

[galene-gothic]

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⊹ ! ೀ Pile 1 ꒱

You have dealt with situations not turning out the way you wanted them to despite heavily investing into them. These situations in fact, made you feel very naive and taken advantage of. Ugh I just heard “a woman’s loyalty is tested when the man has nothing and a man’s loyalty is tested when he has everything.” I also suddenly got a vision of a TikTok that I saw a while ago. The man in the video was saying that if a woman stays with him at the lowest point of his life, he’d leave her when he gets to a high point because she clearly doesn’t respect herself 💀. It doesn’t necessarily have to do with a man or boy but it could have been a similar situation. You invested a lot into someone or possibly even multiple people and you were incredibly generous. The value was being provided only one way i.e. only you were the one bringing ANYTHING into the connection but you were the one being treated as though you didn’t have any value, as though you didn’t bring anything valuable into the connection or this person’s life. It definitely could have been an experience with multiple people for some of you. I was earlier hearing ‘without me’ by Halsey in my head and now I’m hearing that song, I’m not sure about the title I’ve only heard it through reels and TikTok. It goes something like “It’s not your fault I ruin everything and it’s not your fault I can’t be what you need.” This is honestly very sad, this person or people used to rely on you when they were sad but when they were enjoying life and had happy moments, they didn’t really share those with you, they didn’t spend those with you. It’s like when they experienced really good and happy moments, they just disappeared, and despite everything that you were offering them, they wanted a ‘happily ever after’ with other people. They used to take what you had to offer and use your resources to their benefit but they didn’t want you, they didn’t offer you anything of value, they didn’t even truly appreciate your value and only used it.

There definitely was this feeling of insecurity because why didn’t they see your value and treat it as such despite you doing, and offering so much? It was just a really bad investment on your part because all you were doing was wasting your time and energy by depleting your time, energy, and resources on an ungrateful person. I really wanted to use the b-word just now but I stopped myself. I’m feeling angry on your behalf here. You did everything with a very pure and affectionate heart. When you were doing and giving anything at all, you were being genuine with it. It was a very innocent kind of love that you were extending yourself with. You were sensitive to their needs and almost psychically picked up on things in regard to them, and even if you didn’t, you actively tried to because that’s just how pure hearted you were and their stinginess… gosh. They didn’t even try to invest in you at all, did they? You seem to have questioned your value and worth back then. Due to how you were investing into the connection with a sense of innocence, you were wounded like a child is. Let me explain it to you, kids have not seen enough of the world so when they get scolded or punished by their parents, it’s easy for them to question themself and believe that they must’ve done something wrong. They also forgive the trespassers again and again because that’s just how pure kids tend to be but whatever kids experience during their childhood sticks with them on a very deep level and is inevitably going to affect them as adults. You experienced a similar experience back then. It hit your inner child quite heavily. “How long could we be a sad song, till we were too far gone to bring back to life. I gave you all my best me’s, my endless empathy and all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier. Fighting in only your army, front lines don’t you ignore me. I’m the best thing in this party. You’re losing me and I wouldn’t marry me either, a pathological people pleaser who only wanted you to see her.”

That’s ‘you’re losing me’ by Taylor Swift. I keep on hearing the part that goes “my heart won’t start anymore, my heart won’t start anymore.” I feel like you genuinely cannot bring yourself to feel anything for this person or these people anymore because when you were, they were abusing it. While I was writing ‘abusing’, I mistakenly typed ‘anus’ and that describes them pretty well :D. Despite having experienced all of this, you haven’t hardened. In fact, you’ve softened more. The more pain that you had to experience, undergo and heal from, the more pure hearted, innocent, loving and childlike you’ve gotten. Somehow, your inner child has healed and feels more comfortable expressing themself after everything you’ve experienced. There’s also an acceptance of your own contradictions here. You’re quite misunderstood and have always been. I just heard “I was a mature child so now I’m a childish woman.” You’ve always been mature yet childish. Some of you are incredibly mature on the inside but might be very childlike in the way you live and express yourself externally while it may be the other way around for the rest of you. Also, you have likely embodied both of these sides at different points of your life. There could have been a point when you wanted people to take you seriously because you were very mature on the inside and another point when you wished you could express yourself in a lighter, softer, and more playful manner because you were very sensitive and soft on the inside but on the inside, you ended up expressing yourself as more serious. Having embodied both of these, you are aware that others will criticise and misunderstand you either way, and that you won’t be happy with yourself either if you don’t accept your own contradictions and aren’t comfortable with being misunderstood so now, you don’t really care about whether someone misunderstands you.

“Sometimes I can’t even understand those perceptions, it feels unfair at times but the misunderstandings that make up the countless versions of me. All of them are ‘me’ in the end.” I feel like most of you are perceived as childish and are in fact very pure at heart but having been taken advantage of has caused you to develop a cautious approach and not commit to situations recklessly, and that’s a strength of yours. You also do not really give too much importance to a happy ending anymore. You don’t seek belonging and joy from others anymore, and are fine keeping to yourself and are very careful with the situations, and people that you invest in. The thing is, you’re not exactly closed off. You’re still open, pure hearted, loving and affectionate but it’s just that you’re finally more impatient. You can now leave situations as easily as you entered them if the other person doesn’t seem as invested. You know that you deserve a pure, loving and affectionate connection that is innocent, playful and genuine where you’re always chosen, and can always choose them and share a lot of intimacy with the other person - friend, lover, whatever. So when you don’t see things going to that direction, you don’t mind putting an end to things. You’re not willing to settle for anything except the most genuine and pure form of love, and connection because you know that you can provide it. You want to be treated as softly as you treat people and have them stick with you through thick, and thin with proper investment and to adore you, and value you affectionately and genuinely. You are unwilling to accept anything less than that. Having experienced whatever you experienced, you’re aware that you have a lot to offer but that giving more does not equal to receiving more so you don’t try as hard anymore. You’re still the same, you still try to extend yourself generously and provide value to the other person wholeheartedly but even now, you notice one sidedness, and it doesn’t bother you because you choose to either leave entirely and not invest any further or just pull away, and are not committed to trying and investing anymore. You are fine with getting away from people now.

You are alright with people not seeing your value and missing the opportunity to be in your close circle. You just don’t invest heavily into situations for a long time anymore. You try initially because you’re naturally a giver and are incredibly generous but when you feel like you’re not receiving the same, you don’t even question your worth or think about “why?”, you just let them. Also, this generosity of yours is not a method of finding belonging. It kind of is but it is more about how you feel about yourself rather than how others see you. You want to be kind and generous because you just naturally are a giver, and you find a sense of comfort in how much you do for the world, how much value you provide and how much good you put out into the world even if you don’t have anywhere you find belonging, and joy, even if you don’t have those personal connections. Instead of chasing a ‘happily ever after’ and joy, and fulfilment through external sources and connections, you chase purity of spirit, genuineness and generosity. There’s this mantra coming through but I’m not sure how it will resonate. The following includes mention of the hindu god ‘Shiva’ but even if you’re christian or muslim, or any other religion. I need you to take the message and try to interpret it rather than shunning it completely just because you don’t believe in the god or religion. Let me give you a little piece of advice before we move onto the mantra, if you find anything from other religions or concepts that you don’t follow, believe in or understand but it’s something that resonates with you, could help you going forward and just help you lead a better life, take it. The mantra goes “om tryambakam yajaamahe, sugandhim pushti vardhanam, urvaarukamiva bandhanam, mrityur mukshiya mamritaat.” It translates to “om, we worship the three eyed one (lord shiva), who is fragrant, increasing the nourishment (spiritually). From these many bondages (of samsara aka worldly cycles) similar to cucumbers (tied to their creepers). May I be liberated from death (attachment to perishable things), so that I’m not separated from the perception of immortality.”

I feel like many of you have already reached a point in which you understand that attachments are illusionary. If you haven’t yet, you will. You care about your soul and the truth of it - the purity, essence and nourishment of it more than you care about worldly cycles, and things that are perishable i.e. attachments which is why when you aren’t receiving love, don’t have personal connections or are misunderstood, even if it bothers you, it doesn’t. Your soul is whole and immortal, and so is love and joy, and it’s also ever present as long as one can maintain their soul and its true essence so you are just focused on that. Religions and spirituality both put an emphasis on love, and purity and I don’t mean purity as in not being allowed to enter temples during your periods, etc. but instead that they put an emphasis on remaining loving, always leading with love and keeping the heart as light as a feather. You are doing that and you’re spiritually aligned. Obviously with the hurt that you’ve faced, you sometimes may feel heavy or have felt heavy in the past but you have a loving spirit that is still pure at its core and you maintain it with utmost reverence, and that’s your strength. I was earlier getting the quote “do you know how much anger it took to be this gentle?” And now, I’m getting the bridge of ‘solo’ by Jennie coming through. “After the relationship, romance and emotions there’s breakup, tears, regret, and longing. I like being alone because I should be true to myself. Like the flowing wind, like the stars above the clouds. I want to go faraway, I want to shine brightly.” That’s the energy that you seem to possess, you know what you offer and deserve now, and you let go of any attachments that make you feel less than. If you aren’t here yet, you can be. All the best 💞. You’re doing really well. When it comes to your wounds, you are a stubborn one. You’re really persistent and determined to make things work, and are so busy doing so that you don’t notice when the other person has already given up.

You put in work diligently from the start to the end with consistency which is why it hurts more when they give up because you put so much effort into it. You also have long term intentions or even if you don’t, you put in work as though you do because you naturally are long term oriented and you maintain loyalty consistently without a single slip on your part so when the other person gives up, you feel really betrayed and hurt. Lifelong connections are beautiful because they require work and both parties not wanting to give up. You are willing to make things work by putting your all into whatever it is that you want to succeed because of your long term oriented approach. You don’t just give up without trying, you don’t give up without a fight, you can’t because you just value it so much and want it in the long run so the awareness that when someone wants something in the long run, wants someone on the long run, they won’t just run away when things get hard and they have to put effort in is something that wounds you because people have been too easy to give up in the past. You seem to have dealt with a lack of loyalty from others too and what is upsetting is that you were loyal to them. What seems to have happened is that you met someone (possibly even multiple people for some of you) when they were going through a time of discontentment, stagnation, apathy, isolation, boredom, yearning, etc. and you were present for them consistently but when they got better, they left you behind while you were still putting in work and trying, and they didn’t explicitly tell you that they had given up right away. You fell victim to the classic method of being wounded until you couldn’t try anymore. The wounds could have come from their carelessness, negligence, lack of gratitude or acknowledgement of all that you had done and been for them, or well all of the above.

In fact, for some of you, they could have been wounding you actively by treating you as if you were a burden and talking to you in ways that scarred you. In many cases, it could have been both. Whether their approach was passive, active or both, it was equally bad and you didn’t deserve that. You simply just knew that love and connections were hard work, and were willing to put that in. You knew that things aren’t always easy but you still tried until you absolutely couldn’t anymore. Once you finally gave up, you had to consistently put in work into your own betterment in order to heal the wounds that were inflicted on you back then. You’re showing strength even when I’m trying to tap more into your wounds. Despite how wounded you were, you persisted with courage. You learned from your previous failure and wounds, and endured the pain and managed to get better eventually. I feel like at some point, you tried to maintain strong routines in order to get better and it worked wonders for you. You gained clarity on your past, present and future as well as a desire to be present, pleasant and proud. One thing is for sure, you started wanting to focus on the present moment and make the most out of it. You released your emotions and saw where change was needed, and created those changes. You left the past behind you and grew emotionally to the point of feeling almost enlightened. Now, you’re self aware, focused, content, grateful for what you already have, try to be present, accept yourself and situations as they are, and know your responsibilities and try to carry them out properly. Also, you reflect to learn but try to be and are present. The journey to get here wasn’t an easy one, the path was really rocky and rough with twists, and turns but you still made it. Pat yourself on the back, you’re doing so well. Thank you so much for reading. I hope that the reading resonated and that it provided you with the answers, and guidance that you wanted and needed. Much love and take care 💋.

⊹ ! ೀ Pile 2 ꒱

Your strength is that you’re a protector and provider, and your wound is that people either don’t see it, take it for granted or are intimidated by it. Also, a very interesting thing that was happening when I was shuffling for you was that I wanted to channel ‘strengths and wounds’ but I kept on messing up and saying ‘strengths and weaknesses’. I feel like it was because your wounds have caused you to feel really weak or have created a weakness within you in some way. Don’t worry, we’ll look into it properly so that you can heal these parts of you and reclaim your power. I just heard that audio “they gonna hate me regardless, that’s why I do what I do.” Also, you’re more of a man than most men are 😭. You’re naturally a protector and provider, and I’m picking up on a lot of passion from you including an emphasis on sexual intimacy. Currently if you’re single, this can simply manifest as feeling horny frequently or/and masturbating a lot (or well just craving that orgasm even if you’re unable to touch yourself) but you’re definitely very passionate in romantic relationships, likely physically affectionate in other ways outside of sexual intimacy as well. You’re friendly and charismatic, and approach others with a fairly soft yet a bold and almost flirty demeanour. I feel like you’re this way with your same sex friends more than anyone else. You have a strong aura and it is because you possess a lot of integrity. ‘Substance over form’ is the kind of person that you are and that’s your strength. You’re really solid on the inside possessing courage, generosity, principles, ethics, a sense of responsibility, maturity, passion, loyalty, so on and so forth. You have turned out to be a strong person with a well rounded and strongly grounded character despite everything that you’ve undergone instead of letting it turn you bitter, and resentful. I’m hearing ‘easy on me’ by Adele. “Go easy on me baby, I was still a child didn’t get the chance to feel the world around me. I had no time to choose what I chose to do. So go easy on me.”

“There ain’t no room for things to change when we are both so deeply stuck in our ways, you can’t deny how hard I’ve tried. I changed who I was to put you both first but now I give up.” Some of you could have childhood trauma - endless sacrifice for your parents while some of you didn’t have parents and did everything to please your guardian(s), and the rest of you dealt with bullying or aggression from others and the ones who don’t relate to any of the above could have lost someone (possibly multiple people) and they could have been acting very egotistically, making you feel weak but it was not exactly your loss even if it may have felt like it at the time. Some of you may have hit the lottery and dealt with all of the above 😍. You could have also lost someone who you sacrificed a lot for. I just got the word ‘everyone’ and earlier at the beginning of the reading I had received the word ‘burnt’. Did you at some point feel like you lost everything and were burnt by everyone? You may have also felt as though you sacrificed a lot, too much of yourself for others in the past. “So you can love me, hate me, you will never be, never be, never be me. Try me, I’ll break free, you will never be, never be, never be me.” The song is literally titled ‘rebel heart’, I feel like back then despite any feeling of weakness and despite surrendering for the sake of peace, and feeling as though you lost, you knew that you hadn’t. You were rebelling from within and not egoistically but by channelling all your inner strength. You’re really confident in yourself now. I’m trying to dig up your past but you’re showing me how great you are in the present. You know that no one can ever be you. “I’ve tasted being the bigger person, I’ve also tasted matching energy. I recommend no contact.” You value your peace more than anything. You are ethical, reliable, long term oriented and seek excitement, and passion in long term matters rather than by seeking fleeting thrill. In fact, the more safe, stable and grounded a connection is, the more passion, excitement and joy you experience.

You do not feel any desire to wander or be unfaithful, your passion is reserved for just your significant other and your significant only. Like, you don’t even get tempted 💀. For example, if you’ve been in a relationship with someone for years, you’d rather try to experience new sorts of passion and excitement with them rather than get connected with someone new, and ruin something beautiful that you already have going and even if that’s not possible in grand ways just the fact that they’re loyal, and that you share a stable, safe and grounded connection is enough for you to be able to find passion, joy and excitement in the littlest of moments. You don’t get tempted or attracted to others. Also, you watch your character because of who you are as a person and who you want to be rather than to impress anyone. You may be someone who tries to avoid wandering eyes even when you’re single and just really try to watch your character in every way that you can because you are, and want to be a certain way. You’re a really well rounded person - you seek peaceful resolution and if you don’t find that, you seek peace even if it is by yourself, you don’t mind compromising, and have in fact, sacrificed majorly in the past. You know how to make amends with situations by now and you also have a side within you that’s like “I am me, you are you. If you do me dirty, fuck you” but your ethical peace seeking side overrides this. You’re loyal and try to maintain a strong character for yourself rather than for impressions, and are passionate as well. Also, you’re very romantic and care deeply, and genuinely about your partner. You want teeth rottingly sweet romance i.e. the shoulder kisses, climbing up the fences to get into some forbidden property, candlelight dinner, watching fireworks together and you going “so pretty” while looking at the different designs in the sky while they look at you and repeat your words, basically the whole nine yards. You’re also highly capable of it. You’re willing to do anything and everything for your partner as long as it doesn’t go against your morals.

I wonder if many of you are elder daughters or something because there’s so much about sacrifice, maturity and provision. I don’t mean to be a misandrist but I don’t think that I’ve ever met a man this well rounded and with such a strong character. You could have always sacrificed and done so much for your family, provided so much to them, and just been so mature and responsible from such a young age that that’s just who you are now. I wouldn’t be surprised if you already are or will provide financially for your family in the future. “I knew you, leaving like a father, running like water.” It doesn’t mean that your father or any parent left you (though it could be) but that you didn’t feel safe and stable with them so you have become a stable, and reliable individual to feel safe within yourself and to find a partner who provides the same qualities to you. Looking at your wounds, you feel like people let you go too easily. They often chose other people too. Oh my god, I just started hearing ‘the other woman’ by Lana Del Rey. It seems to have been a pattern for you. You were in contact with them in a very consistent manner so it could have been a friend who was using you as a placeholder for a romantic relationship until they found someone to commit to 💀. You are very diligent and have basic human decency so when someone is in your life, even if it is not a situation with commitment involved, you do whatever you can for them and are very present so when you were not fully claimed but not fully let go of, and had them let you go after finding a romantic relationship, you felt really manipulated. By this point, you don’t really question your worth anymore but back then, you wondered if you were unworthy of being chosen and committed to. For those of you who do not resonate with this, when it was time for people to make choices, their loyalties seemed to lie elsewhere. Even the closest connections that you had didn’t live up to their potential and in fact, you felt deceived.

“How long could we be a sad song till we were too far gone to bring back to life I gave you all my best me’s, my endless empathy and all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier. Fighting in only your army, front lines don’t you ignore me, I’m the best thing in this party (you’re losing me) and I wouldn’t marry me either, a pathological people pleaser who only wanted you to see her, and I’m fading thinking ‘do something babe, say something. Lose something babe, risk something. Choose something babe, I’ve got nothing to believe unless you’re choosing me.’” “I can’t find a pulse, my heart won’t start anymore for you cause you’re losing me.” “My heart won’t start anymore, my heart won’t start anymore.” You feel as though you’ve never been able to develop and share deep intimacy, and love with someone that is pure and whole, and where you choose each other again and again. I just heard “she has other friends that she likes better”, you’ve just felt as though everyone chose and enjoyed other peoples company more, and that you were let go of so easily as though you were worthless. “If you feel too abandoned by others, it’s because you’ve abandoned yourself” ofcourse, it’s okay to feel bad about being abandoned and used. ‘Enough for you’ by Olivia Rodrigo is coming through. “Stupid, emotional, obsessive little me. I knew from the start this is exactly how you’d leave. You found someone more exciting, the next second you were gone and you left me there crying, wondering what I did wrong and you always say I’m never satisfied but I don’t think that’s true cause all I ever wanted was to be enough. Don’t you think I loved you too much to be used and discarded? Don’t you think I loved you too much to think I deserve nothing? So don’t tell me you’re sorry boy, feel sorry for yourself cause someday I’ll be everything to somebody else and they’ll think that I’m so exciting, and you’ll be the one who’s crying. You always say I’m never satisfied but I don’t think that’s true, you say I’m never satisfied but that’s not me, it’s you cause all I ever wanted was to be enough and I don’t think anything could ever be enough for you. No, nothing’s enough for you.”

You felt as though you abandoned yourself and didn’t have any boundaries or standards just because you wanted to be chosen, and loved back then and you’ve forgiven yourself for that, and grown into your power immensely by strengthening your character and I’m so incredibly proud of you but the shame, guilt, regret, and pain that you experienced back then was on another level. You felt as though you failed to maintain loyalty to yourself and choose yourself. There was this sense of having lost yourself due to a desire to be chosen mixed with a feeling of inferiority. You felt inferior and powerless in the connection or well, connections but even after they ended, you felt inferior and powerless, in fact, now that you could see things more clearly, you felt more inferior, powerless and ashamed of yourself. You lacked direction back then and were misdirecting your energy into trying to receive love, and be chosen by acting inferior and slowly started believing it yourself because others treated you like such when you could have been improving yourself, your skills and your life instead. You felt like you betrayed yourself. The song ‘I’ll never fall in love again’ by Dionne Warwick is coming through. “What do you get when you fall in love? A guy with a pin to burst your bubble. That’s what you get for all your trouble. I’ll never fall in love again. I’ll never fall in love again. What do you get when you kiss a guy? You get enough germs to catch pneumonia, after you do, he’ll never phone ya. I’ll never fall in love again. Don’t you know that I’ll never fall in love again? Don’t tell me what it’s all about cause I’ve been there and I’m glad I’m out. Out of those chains, those chains that bind you. That is why I’m here to remind you. What do you get when you fall in love? You only get lies and pain and sorrow.”

You’re a deeply romantic person but due to how genuine you are, how much you offer and all the deception that you’ve faced. You are more focused on your daily routines, money, career, work and study. You might also have a wound regarding skills. You want to develop skills and you know you have it in you but you just haven’t been able to, you just aren’t being able to, you’re being told to keep going consistently. You’re probably rolling your eyes externally or internally at what I just wrote because it’s not like you haven’t tried to develop these skills consistently because you have but that no matter how much you have tried, you just haven’t been able to but you’re still being encouraged to keep going. Having experienced all that you’ve experienced, you’ve become very self and character focused. You care a lot about other people’s character as well as your own. You have high standards now and until you meet someone who matches them close to perfectly, you are not interested in any sort of romance. You really do want to find this person though because you have so much love to give and genuinely want to experience the soft mushy gushy romantic, and passionate kind of romance. You want to experience a soft romcom movie and ‘fifty shades of grey’ kind of romance at the same time with just one person for the rest of your life but it is very important for you to be able to respect, admire and rely on that person. Passion is very important to you in romance and life in general. Due to how you’ve had to take on really responsible roles throughout your life and always hold this sense of responsibility, and duty within you, and how sacrificing and resolution seeking you can be despite a very hot, and strong fire within you. You need a partner who’s more of a man than you are. Someone who is a good leader, passionate, charismatic, go getter, action oriented, loyal, grounded, ethical, responsible, reliable and romantic. Someone who lets you be bratty and express anger, and also doesn’t take advantage of your problem solving, peaceful and resolution seeking nature.

You tend to be fairly submissive on the outside despite the inner strength you possess so you need someone who is happy with themself and doesn’t feel the need to dominate, and belittle you in order to feel better about themself. I’m not going to lie, due to how passionate you are, you have a very competitive and resentful side to you but also you’re very peaceful, and forgiving. You truly are such a well rounded person. You might attract a lot of hostility and aggression due to this. People can pick up on your inner drive but you seem to harmless on the surface that they try to crush your spirit because they just feel a sense of competitiveness, hostility and aggression towards you without any real reason and you have a strong character on the inside so you don’t break externally but instead usually maintain peace so they don’t understand why and how you’re so unaffected 💀😭. You want a partner who can handle your angry and difficult sides, the ones that are deeply passionate. You cannot settle for just anyone because now that you’ve grown as a person, you’ve grown into your character and strength, you get really bad vibes from most people, and notice their faults and flaws quite easily. ‘CO2’ by Prateek Kuhad is the song that I’m getting here. “Maybe it’s the way that you can see what I’m missing what I can never be.” “Maybe it’s the man that you see in me.” Most people won’t be able to live up to your standards due to how high they are but they’re just normal to you because you can live up to them so you don’t need to lower them. You need to look at things differently now, you’re not unworthy, things are better now, life is brighter now. You are likely to intimidate people once they start seeing your character more clearly. The closer that they’ll get to you, the more that they might feel inferior or like they don’t live up to what you need them to be. You can be critical to some extent because of how high your standards are even for yourself but it’s coming as a strength of yours. Only accept those who are actively trying and being able to live up to what your standards are. If someone gives up or doesn’t try, trust me, you’re better off. Those who think that they’re not enough, they know themselves more than you know them because they experience consciousness from within themself, because they can hear their own thoughts and know about their own actions, and tendencies so believe them when they talk or act like they’re not enough. Right now, I’m getting that while you’re capable of romance, you’re focused on consistently bettering yourself, improving your lifestyle, your career, money, routines, work and studies. You are on the right path. It’s okay to want romance but don’t ever lower your standards by even just an inch or a millimetre because you can live up to your own and you deserve an equal. Thank you so much for reading. I hope that the reading resonated and that it provided you with the answers, and guidance that you wanted and needed. Much love and take care 💋.

⊹ ! ೀ Pile 3 ꒱

(TW: Mentions of abuse, sexual assault, etc.)

Some of you have daddy issues or some kind of issue caused by aggressive people but there’s a strong theme of boys and men here. There are so many scenarios coming through, you’re obviously not going to relate to all of them. For some of you, you’ve just dealt with aggression, threatening your sense of belonging while some of you have dealt with abandonment from either or both parents or just an absence of them, there are even mentions of abuse here for some of you if your parents were present. An angry father or parental figure? If not, you have had terrible experiences with the male gender. It could be something as simple as having boys make fun of you in middle school. These incidents have wounded you really deeply. I’m having a really hard time putting all the scenarios down. There’s definitely some sort of a deep wound when it comes to belonging - be it family, home, community, school or work. Also little incidents grew into real big ones that I’m hearing traumatised you. For example, you got with some guy, that changed the entire trajectory of your life. The thing is, you received a lot of intolerance from everyone for a major part of your life. It escalated close to abuse, violence and bullying at some point, and for many of you, it could have had something to do with a guy. Don’t get me wrong, it would have been a part of your life either way. People just have been so aggressive, unruly and intolerant towards you for no reason, you didn’t deserve that but I will explain how it could have had something to do with a guy for many of you. For example, you got into a relationship with some guy, you could have been heavily criticised by other people who also liked and wanted him considered you to be ‘not good enough’ for him just for this guy to break up with you in a disrespectful manner with no regard for you whatsoever, and after that, I’m getting that either the aggression and bullying from other people intensified or the effects of the previous unruly treatment started affecting you intensely.

Many of you have dealt with an abusive situation even if it’s just emotionally though it could have been physically for some of you (by parents, romantic partners, etc.) Do not invalidate your experiences ever because even if others might think that it was not abuse, it definitely was. It affected you so deeply, I’m not even being able to express it properly. I’m just crying right now. If you didn’t deal with any of the above situations. Though, I believe that many of you have dealt with all or at least majority of what I’m mentioning. Then, you dealt with guy friends who were using you for an ego boost and acted as though you wanted them so bad if you simply tried to keep the friendship going or tried to fix things instead of ending them. Guys have made you feel really preyed on. People in general have but guys especially. Some of you could have even dealt with men trying to assault you sexually. It could have been something as simple as someone forcefully kissing you as a child or making you watch porn. Something like this could have happened when you were a teen or an adult too but I just got that since kids are the most vulnerable, it likely happened to many of you as kids. Oh my god, no way. I just heard “he doesn’t like cougars, he likes little kids. He stopped liking me when I turned eighteen.” I feel like your life has always been this way. Having people walk all over you and treat you like shit but it got especially worst in your teen years. I’m not sure what happened at fourteen and seventeen specifically but seventeen was your last straw, and your experiences all the way from when you were fourteen contributed to finally realising the truth. In fact, your experiences before that contributed too but I’m picking up that mistreatment and aggression were/felt the most extremely during your teenage years. Any childhood abuse or mistreatment, or instability, you realised the truth of all of that through what you experienced during your teenage years. People genuinely just lacked compassion towards you and you had to deal with a lot of loneliness.

It is like anytime that you were not keeping to yourself and connecting with others, they were abusing, using and mistreating you. People used to treat you aggressively, make fun of you and mistreat you for their own sick sense of enjoyment, in order to boost their ego, and have fun. I’m so sorry, you didn’t deserve all that. Even when you were with people, you were very lonely and felt insecure, and lacking due to the way they used to treat you and once you finally got away, you felt incredibly insecure, unstable, and lacking but you chose that over mistreatment from others and that’s how you grew. “Don’t be afraid to stand alone. Don’t be afraid to stand outside your comfort zone. I know it’s hard away from home and it ain’t easy all alone.” You had a strong thirst for knowledge from since you were a kid but during this time of loneliness, it transformed into a need. You were seeking truth and clarity because you genuinely needed it to move forward but you have always possessed some sort of a divine knowledge. Which is why you were able to be so compassionate, still and passive at the face of such mistreatment, aggressiveness and lack of compassion. Divinity exists within all of us and you were aware of that. So you naturally acted like the bigger person until you couldn’t anymore but this breakdown caused you to get closer to your own truth. You started realising that while it’s good to learn through external sources, true knowledge and wisdom is something that we are just born with, and that anything else that comes through, it should come from within. For example, we are not born racists, as kids, all we want is to receive and give love, and we are active, and full of life, that’s the only knowledge that truly matters - the ability to be yourself in your highest, most divine and purest form. You also realised just how shitty the treatment that you received in the past was and how lonely, and insecure you were.

You may have felt at home with these people or shared a community with them but even so, you decided to act with integrity and do right by you even if it required loneliness or/and isolation. For some of you, after all of this had passed, you met someone who you felt really at home with but for some reason, you still had to logically act out of fairness and had to reward them with the consequences of their actions rather than with negotiation. The trajectory of your growth has been amazing. One of your strengths is your sense of hope and faith. You felt like you’d never get anything good in life and that your life was doomed, and that you’d be lonely and empty forever but you still kept going, and you managed to get better so now you have hope and faith regarding life. Back then, you just wanted to feel better, get better and now, you have so now you have a sense of direction, you’re focused on nourishing yourself. You are connected to your core essence and are comfortable with your vulnerability, and sense of nakedness i.e. your authenticity. You’re nourishing and loving yourself wholeheartedly in any, and every way possible though. Yes, there’s always room for improvement. Like, for example, you may do your skincare, workout and do your work diligently but you may not eat all three meals so you could work on that, etc. But definitely, you try to make sure to eat even if you’re busy because your nourishment means a lot to you. You might be unable to have all three meals but you try. You’re very intense in terms of romance and also really romantic. but you don’t try to put in time, energy, and effort into romance anymore unless the other person comes to you first and is consistently present, and shows promise of a solid future but you’re very content being alone. You in fact, really enjoy it. You are on a journey of self discovery and improvement, and understand yourself and love very deeply due to how much time you’ve spent alone, by yourself, in contemplation, and soul searching.

You’ve drawn out a lot of wisdom from within yourself. You’re spiritually enlightened and don’t mind being alone or different. Even if it is difficult, even if you’re considered to be difficult, you want to be yourself. “Share my life, take me for what I am cause I’ll never change all my colours for you. Take my love, I’ll never ask for too much, just all that you are and everything that you do.” You’re aware by now that it is nothing except self betrayal to try to earn love by changing yourself because even if you manage to receive love, they won’t be living ‘you’ and if you don’t win them over, you’d have lost yourself in the process, and would feel terrible about yourself so you’d rather be alone but yourself. That one bible story is coming through here. “Jacob agreed to work for seven years to marry Rachel, the woman he loved but was deceived by her father Laban and ended up marrying her older sister, Leah. Though he fulfilled his time and eventually married Rachel too, Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah. Seeing that Leah was unloved, god allowed her to bear children while Rachel remained barren. With each son she bore, Leah hoped that Jacob would finally love her - naming her first Reuben, saying, “now my husband will love me”, her second Simeon because “the lord has heard that I am hated”, and her third Levi, thinking, “now my husband will become attached to me.” However, Jacob’s heart did not change. When she bore her fourth son, Judah, Leah no longer pleaded for her husband’s affection but simply said, “this time I will praise the lord.” You seem to be aware of the fact that love that is not freely given can never be earned so you don’t even try. If you found the kind of love that you desire, if you found someone who loved and cherished you, you would be intensely passionate and romantic, honestly to an extreme but that’s because, that’s just who you are. You’d indulge in it very deeply. You’d experience the feeling of being ‘drunk in love’.

“With you, there’s silence in a crowd. There’s a little unconsciousness, with you, because of you.” You’d make an intense lover who loves incredibly deeply but you’re not interested in trying to earn anyone’s love in order to channel your romantic energy. You might in fact, have these sides of you pretty hidden. All of you have different kinds of personality but all of you have a very meek one. Some of you are more of the silent kind, some of you may be talkative when with others and might seem really social, and some of you might manage to do both but if you do have a talkative and social side, there’s this thing about you in which once you are out of that social situation, you struggle to stay in touch with others, isolate yourself and randomly disappear. Also, the more time that you spend in a social situation and with certain people, the more silent and internal that you tend to get. I’m loving all the messages that are coming through for your strengths. We don’t see through our eyes, we see through our minds. Our eyes are just a medium for us to perceive the external world and interact with it. There’s so much in the world about ‘finding god’ or ‘figuring out the meaning of life’, people just want to know where and how it all started, and where and how we will all end up after death so they seek god but do they really manage to find divinity? Most people don’t because god made it so simple yet so tricky to find them by choosing to reside where they’re currently residing i.e. within each person. Most people aren’t able to comprehend that divinity can reside within them because they think that figuring out the mysteries of life and receiving answers is much more complicated than that, and that’s okay but they’d easily find divinity, god, whatever they want to call it if they only turned their vision inside and looked within themselves. Most of you are aware of this truth so you try to keep yourself as clean, good and pure spirited as possible because divinity should not reside in a dirty place. It does not have to be conscious awareness or conscious trying but you’re just incredibly internal and have learned so much from going within yourself that you’ve found your guide there, your divinity itself and you’re well aligned with your life purpose. If you’re not quite there yet, you soon will be. Thank you so much for reading. I hope that the reading resonated and that it provided you with the answers, and guidance that you wanted and needed. Much love and take care 💋.

[amberautumnfaebrooke]

i think i could design a better death arena for children than those hunger games amateurs.

the whole premise of the games is all pageantry. every year you get a crop of 24 candidates around whom the entire state media apparatus dedicates an entire year to building celebrity narratives. this candidate is the younger sibling of last year's winner - these candidates are young lovers forced to compete - he's smart - she's fast - root for them, care about them, watch them, form opinions on them, bet on them. and then they stick them all in an arena to kill each other, which is a great entertainment premise, except that they make the arenas themselves really boring and generic. ooo, they're in...a forest.

it's not even an interestingly designed forest. imagine if the game designers treated their arena like an actual video game designer treats level design. discrete zones with multiple paths between each room, creative use of lighting to guide players to points of interest, points of interest scattered across the map, discoverable resources hidden to encourage exploration. instead they just have a generic outdoors location and if you get too close to the edge they throw a random fireball at you.

the 75th games are especially bad about this. the arena is laid out radially into 12 wedges, and each hour one wedge becomes especially dangerous in a 12-hour loop. as a mechanic, this is genius. it forces everyone to keep moving, making "survival by hiding" an engaging and tense viewing experience instead of someone sitting in a tree for three days. plus, it encourages players to return to the center of the arena, where travel time between wedges is short, which creates a high-value zone for players to regularly return to and conflict over. in other words, it's a mechanic which incentives players to adopt dramatic, dynamic, exciting behaviors which are entertaining to watch (not to mention it communicates geography to the audience well). but it only incentives those behaviors if the players understand what's happening, and they go out of their way not to tell the players anything! when they figure out what's going on, the showrunners spin the arena to disorient the players, like they're intentionally trying to get them to just. randomly wander the jungle instead.

this isn't even to mention how often they create undramatic, boring deaths. they plant poison berries around the arena. they supply no fresh water and no way to get it. they roll poison clouds over sleeping victims. these happen to work out in the books themselves but you have to imagine that extremely often these just result in players dying unexciting deaths.

the cardinal sin though, of course, is that nothing is done to personalize the arena for the crop of contestants that year. if i'm designing the 75th hunger games and two of my most beloved contestants famously had to cancel their wedding because of a return to the games, i would OBVIOUSLY give them a trail of, i don't know, wild game which conveniently leads directly past a well defended wedding chapel. will they hole up there for a while? hold a mock ceremony for themselves? do or receive ironic violence here? stare wistfully and move on? any of it is better television than getting attacked by generic attack monkeys. you should have a dozen of these things on the map for every single candidate. but the game makers are more interested in doing the same thing every other game has done than in telling a compelling story.

it makes me second guess enjoying the children's murder arenas at all.

[so-i-did-this-thing]

How do I stop being anxious all the time in relation to being trans? I have an appointment to go on T in 2 weeks. I'm anxious about coming out. I'm anxious about someone figuring it out before I come out. Ahhhh. I have a therapist for anxiety but I don't think it's helping.

Hoping I don't make you even more anxious, but the bottom line is some folks *will* find out and you just gotta learn to roll with it.

What has helped me:

Getting good at identifying red and green flags in cis people

It's become a habit of mine to scope out people when I join a new community. I look at profiles, what people post, etc. It's a little tiring, but I try to find the allies and other trans asap in a new fandom or whatever.

Planning for the worst

To be trans is to always have a plan to Get Out of Dodge.

A lot of times, The Worst is really only temporary embarassment. I deal with this by keeping my head held high and leaning into the more "don't fuck with me, I am tired" part of my personality.

Fake it 'til you make it -- I used to have a paralyzing fear of public mortification, and over time have ripped that apart. Sticking to my boundaries helps a lot, and I am not afraid to say, "I will not answer that question."

Here's the thing, though -- people tend to be impressed when you weather the Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known, and you'll likely find yourself as someone to be looked up to. Cis folks routinely ask for my advice about their own Big Life Changes, because they have been impressed to see me go through mine. I've also helped crack a few eggs.

Sometimes The Worst is truly bad, and you should always be vigilant here. Again, I know it is exhausting, but always plan for your personal, emotional, and financial safety. Build an emergency cash fund. Cultivate friends who have your back. Always be looking for new job opportunities. Lots of stuff you can workshop with people.

Cultivating a very matter-of-fact relationship with Coming Out.

I focus on any relevant logistics and keep out my emotional backstory. Most people do not need to know how much of a mess I used to be. And I firmly state what I am doing with my future, rather than ask for permission.

My last HRT-related Coming Out email (to one of my orchestras, which is a very gendered biz) was essentially: "FYI, I am medically and legally transitioning from female to male. Just a heads up, as I'll look and sound a bit different at rehearsal -- I have a tux already for the concert. See you Friday!"

That's it. At a company, you can work with HR on your announcement, assuming one will even be necessary in your case based on your transition timeline.

When I changed my name years later, I was also direct:

"I am legally changing my name to Nicholas. It may take a while to update all my clients, so you're welcome to tell them, "Oh, [deadname] goes by Nicholas now. Thanks!"

And when I came out to my spouse in tumblr chat before our first date, it was literally: "Hey, jsyk, I am 35 and a trans man, in case that changes anything."

It takes a lot of practice to get to this point, and is something you can roleplay with your therapist.

Don't be afraid of your past

I am at a place where I will sometimes casually out myself to make a point ("No one ever needs to change the gender field for this form? I recently needed to.") or a stupid joke ("Ever since I was a little girl, I always wanted to be...").

There is a lot of value in the trans experience. You can decide how much of it you want to casually share, but it does get easier each time.

I hope this helps. Being trans means you will be coming out for the rest of your life (obviously, there are times where stealth = safety), so cultivating a no-nonsense, and even humorous, approach will go a long way for your mental health.

[anim-ttrpgs]

Your post detailing a story in ad&d of a band of warriors delving into a dungeon filled with large lads and undead inspired me to look into ad&d 2e myself and so far I have found myself enjoying the mechanics greatly. So thank you for that do you have any advice for those just getting into ad&d?

Thank you! I love AD&D and am happy to help get more people into it, or any other rpg that has similar pre-WotC dungeon crawling gameplay.

Here’s a few rapid fire tips off the top of my head for those trying to get into AD&D2e and similar games:

Everybody Reads Both Rulebooks

Really this is my stance for basically any TTRPG, but I think that everybody should read the Player’s Handbook and the DM Guide. A session of any game will always go smoother if everybody has read the rules instead of one guy being tasked with remembering them all.

Check the Wiki

There’s a very useful wiki for AD&D you can use.

While I still recommend you read the rulebooks themselves to get a full understanding of the game you’re playing, the wiki is way better than a crusty old PDF or questionably formatted and nearly-falling-apart-by-now physical copy for quickly checking rules mid-session, and for waking you through character creation.

Start Small

Even before WotC brought the D&D brand and made it the overwhelming monopoly it is today, D&D was a juggernaught if the industry, and, even though I think from reading them that TSR-era D&D was very much written with more passion than just trying to soullessly sell products, TSR still had the dollar signs in their eyes and released like a million supplement and all that crap.

My suggestion: Stick with the DM’s Guide and Player’s Handbook at first. There’s just too much shit otherwise, and a lot of the later additions and supplements have a lot of very questionable content that will not really improve your experience. For instance, why did they introduce a fucking proficiency for eating and drinking?!

Use Even Older Adventure Modules

AD&D2e is retroactively compatible with the adventure modules made for previous editions, and I suggest you use these instead. While I think AD&D2e is the best ruleset to come out of TSR D&D, the adventure modules saw a pretty sharp decline around that time. This is when adventure modules started to be more like scripted stories rather than the dungeon crawling sandboxes they previously were.

Some suggestions that should get you started and keep you going for many many sessions are:

In Search of the Unknown

The Sinister Secret or Saltmarsh

Keep on the Borderlands (get the later version not the original version.)

Village of Hommlet

Throw Everything You Know from D&D3e Onwards Out the Window

If you aren’t sure how to handle something mechanically, do not default to assuming you do it the way it works in later editions. For instance, there are no skill checks in dialogue. You might roll Charisma once at the start of a conversation to determine if the other group trusts the PC or not, but that’s it. Everything else it just talked out.

Also, encounter balance? Throw it out. PCs will have to negotiate, sneak past, run away from, or use clever tactics to survive encounters. It being unbalanced is the whole point. You should be playing this like you would play an old survival-horror game like Resident Evil or Silent Hill, not like an action game. The PCs are fragile and will die easily if they just try to take everything head on.

This is another reason that everyone should read both rulebooks. If you don’t, then you’ll default to playing I like WotC D&D, which is a totally and completely different game.

Run it as a Challenge Game

These games only work if you run them as “challenge games,” which means they are scenarios meant to challenge both the PC and the player. No one should ever fudge dice, adjust HP values of monsters, change the solution to a puzzle just to be what the players thing is right, etc. It’s a dangerous gauntlet and you see if they live or die based on their own decisions and your descriptions. If the GM bends reality to ensure the party’s success (or ensure their failure, but everyone already knows that’s bad) then the whole game and whole story is invalidated. There will be a story, but it cannot be preplanned, it will emerge from seeing what these PCs do and who they turn out to be when they encounter these challenging scenarios. That has to include the possibility of unceremonious death.

Run a Troupe Campaign and Play Multiple Characters on Large Parties

A “troupe campaign” is one where instead of a small party, there are dozens of PCs which form a pool or roster to select from. Like you read in that post, we do ours as a mercenary free company. They get hired to do this stuff.

This makes it so that, in a highly lethal game like AD&D, the “story” doesn’t end as soon as a PC dies, which also means you’re less inclined to cheat to keep them alive when they shouldn’t be. That was just one of dozens of main characters.

Also, get used to playing multiple PCs at once. Make everyone create 3-5 PCs at the start of the campaign, and everyone bring at least 2 of them per adventure. This may take some getting used to but it is really not that hard, especially if you learn to play in third-person like Eureka tells you to.

Get used to party sizes between 6 and 15 PCs. Despite ironically being less focused exclusively on combat than WotC D&D, AD&D doesn’t pretend it’s not descended from wargames.

Ignore Alignment

Yeah alignment still mostly ranged between being pointless and being bad back then too. It meant something back in the very earliest editions of the game, but by the point of AD&D2e it was already mostly a vestigial system that you can and should ignore for most classes. You can keep it for, like, Clerics and Paladins if you want, that’s what we do.

But generally you should give up on the idea that your PCs will even be good guys at all, they’re amoral mercenaries and/or treasure hunters. This doesn’t mean they’re necessarily “bad guys” either, it’s more complex than that.

(art by @chaospyromancy)

Sir Ferdinand, one of my PCs and Captain of the White Company, is a scoundrel who overcharges his employers whenever he can get away with it; does dirty mercenary jobs like raiding, robbery, and extortion as much as he does heroic jobs like rescuing kidnapped children and protecting towns from raids, sometimes even at the same time. Recently he calmly and politely told a village of lizardmen they had better swear fealty to the local lord while subtly implying that something terrible could happen to their home if they don’t. In an adventure before, while overcharging a town for protection due to a threat that the White Company knew was not credible, once the company stumbled upon a secret smuggling and slavery operation that had been kidnapping people from the town and nearby village, he put every effort towards rooting it out despite it not being their job and even later being ordered by their current employer to stop sticking their noses in it. As he said before engaging an extremely dangerous and magic-wielding man in full plate armor while he himself had only maille at the time, he could not call himself a Christian in good standing if he turned a blind eye to slave running.

What alignment is Sir Ferdinand? None of them. He doesn’t have alignment, he has values.

[leashybebes]

However— well, is Tommy a reliable narrator to himself? Sure, Eddie basically stopped talking to him, but what about Tommy? Did he also delay replying to the 118 so that the time between messages stretched out? Did he think they were only trying to be nice by keeping in touch with their teammates’ ex (never mind that he was Hen and Howie’s teammate first) and he’d prefer to not have their ‘pity’ and cut them off (again)? Did he cut them off preemptively and doesn’t see it that way because if he did then he’d have to also face the fact that he’s a little messed up? We probably don’t have time for them to delve into all of this on screen but it’s interesting to chew on. For reasons.

(Chim gets a pass for the post-throat slashing time of no contact because he was… let’s say preoccupied.)

oh 100% hang on let me get my coffee

okay, SO. mr unreliable narrator over here, mr enjoy it while it lasts, is never going to be the one with the full picture, because he sets it up that way - intentional or not, i feel like tommy is someone who has his view of the world and his role in it and just quietly, fatalistically makes that happen.

so i can totally see a world where no one from the 118 reaches out, full stop. but, y'know, phones work both ways, thomas. BUT. for tommy, that's buck's family. they're buck's people. (and look, my wife has a much closer relationship with her family than i do, and a much larger circle of friends, and it took me WAY longer than six months to start feeling like they were our people, not her people i got to hang out with through her.)

we know that tommy's a jealous guy, and we also get the sense that he's pretty fatalistic, so if no one reaches out, i can see that landing for him as "well, obviously. they never really wanted me around, of course i was never gonna be part of that" and just exacerbating his envy, but also his sense that that chapter of his life is Over Now. i can see the lack of contact from hen and chim actually not stinging that much (or tommy telling himself it doesn't sting that much, genuinely believing that, my king of unexamined feelings) because they're not friends, right? chim calls him when he needs a favour, but they're not close. he's not on hen's christmas card list (and that's genuinely fine, i mean zero shade to anyone involved here. they were friends by the time he left the 118 but for all we know they were mostly or entirely work friends). so i can see his internal monologue about that, his confirmed belief being 'well, hell, i wasn't enough for them to want around on my own merits before, why would i be now'. (again, this is not shade on hen or chim. phones work both ways and my special little guy is fucked in the head.)

eddie's gotta sting a little more because they were friends, right? actual friends. but if we're taking tommy at face value, then we have to assume he feels some kinda way about being friends with eddie once he and buck are together. i don't think he actually thinks anything is happening/has happened/will happen with buck and eddie, but we do get this delicious hint with that little scoff about eddie's straightness that maybe tommy has experience of that queer classic - losing years of your life being besotted with your ride or die straight bestie (sal!!!! but uh. that's a separate post.).

i lost my thought. wait. okay, so i think one of the fundamental mismatches is that for six months buck was in an x-rated rom-com and tommy was navigating something unbelievably fucking complicated because talking? communicating? who does that when you can just make up a scenario and stick to it like your life depends on it. (worth noting there's no way that scenario ends well for him, but uh, that's why i love him. go listen to settle for me from crazy ex girlfriend lol)

i can ALSO see the other part of what you said. tommy says eddie 'pretty much' or 'basically' (can't remember the wording right now and not in a position to check) stopped talking to him which does leave room for some contact. (it could also be read as a kind of deflection of the ouch of it all but ymmv.) so i can see a world where eddie sends a 'man wtf happened?' message which...tommy's not going to reply to that. he's just not. but changing the subject immediately is too obvious so he has to wait a while to say something innocuous, and it just kind of fizzles out.

whatever happens, whether it was zero contact or intermittent, declining contact, my special little guy, my world champion runner, my sad sad man was 100% thinking 'yeah, that tracks'. we definitely don't have time for the show to delve into that, and honestly it's not really that kind of show so i wouldn't expect it, but rest assured i am C H E W I N G

[squidhominid]

The Wounds that Got Me Here: A story about my experience working for Lockstin

I have a story that I want to tell. A story I've told some people, in bits and pieces, but never really fully written out before. Given who the story involves, what their reputation is, I don't expect it to be fully believable. And because of that, I've spent years debating telling it. Afraid of being judged, of not being believed, of people thinking I'm just trying to tear someone down. I'm afraid people will think I'm overreacting, that what I experienced is 'just how the business works'. I'm afraid that they might be right.

But no matter what people think, it's the truth. I lived it. And I'm finally ready to share it, I think.

Not because I want to cancel anyone, this isn't a call-out post, but so I can share my story and heal.

CWs: discussion of underpaid creative work and inappropriate content involving minors

The story starts in late 2017, during Sac Gamers Expo. I had heard that Arlo had somehow gotten hold of copies of the Splatoon 2 Sound Selection vinyl, an extremely rare piece of Splatoon merchandise even now, originally only sent to members of the gaming press, and was giving them out. I was an avid collector of modern vinyl, as well as an avid Splatoon fan, and had been trying to track a copy down ever since it was known they existed. I begged my dad, desperately, to take me, even though it was a hell of a drive from San Diego to Sacramento, and, once I communicated to him just how rare this was and just how much I wanted it, he agreed.

While I was there, I had the chance to meet Lockstin, a YouTuber who I was a huge fan of at the time. Knowing he'd done a Splatoon video recently, and knowing his channel had gotten its initial start doing Game Theory counterpoint videos, I urged him to do a 'are Inklings actually made of ink' video, given this was a sticking point in the fandom, as well as due to personal frustration with MatPat for his 'are Inklings kids or squids' video. I saw value in trying to discuss the 'actual question', rather than the question MatPat had asked, in the process hopefully clarifying a widespread lore misconception, and I thought it was a topic his channel would do justice.

He said he'd think about it.

A month or two later I messaged him on Discord, asking if he had given it any more thought. He admitted that he didn't know anything about Splatoon, that his previous attempt to write on the games hadn't performed well, and that, and this isn't an exact quote, 'if I wanted to see it made, I'd have to write it myself', meaning I could write the script and sell it to him.

The Splatoon video they had done by that point, to be honest, was terrible. It was extremely poorly researched, and took what was in-universe meant to be propaganda, information from an unreliable narrator, at face value, building its thesis on the idea Grizzco presents to the player that Salmonids were just dumb animals. I knew that, if things were really this dire, I had to do this. I had to 'right the wrong' that was the quality of Lockstin's Splatoon content. So I took him up on his offer. We made a handshake deal, that I would write scripts for a cut of ad revenue. What 'a cut of ad revenue' meant, what percentage it would be, a payment schedule, none of it was ever specified. Just 'a cut of ad revenue'.

It took around a month of workshopping after that, but once I had a solid idea for a first video, I threw myself into the work. For two weeks, during my computer science lectures at community college, rather than paying attention to the lectures I'd be researching for the video I was writing. Two weeks of work.

I made $89. And in the meantime, I got some…pointed messages from friends.

See, for the thumbnail, he used key art from Octo Expansion. It had just been announced a couple months prior, so he probably thought it would grab attention, even though it wasn't really related to the topic of the video.

The problem was what art he used, and how he used it.

He had put, front and center, Agent 8, a canonically 16 year old character, in a piece of art showing her with splotches of ink on her. Except, he had photoshopped the ink splotches to be white. And then he added key art of Cap'n Cuttlefish from Octo Expansion, lurking in the background, positioned such to look like he was looking at Agent 8.

People who knew I had the gig, who I had excitedly told I was working for Lockstin, blamed me for the thumbnail. I told them I had nothing to do with it. I confronted Lockstin, since the original thumbnail he showed me before the video went up didn't have the 'white ink' edit. His response? To attribute the video's success partially to the thumbnail, and that he "could always swap it real quick if it [got] out of hand".

He never did. The white ink thumbnail is still up, to this day. And this wasn't an isolated incident; he has a pattern even now, years later, of using sexual clickbait in his thumbnails, because it's what 'works'. Even though the videos really don't need it. Even though, in my opinion, they're undermined by it.

In the time following that, I built a small team of Splatoon lore obsessive friends to work on the videos together. And Lockstin came to me with a question. He had a long-running series on his channel, 'Why do X have breasts', meant to analyze and apply actual scientific reasoning to humanity's propensity to put breasts on non-human and even non-mammalian characters, and he wanted to know if I could think of a way to make that work for Splatoon. I initially turned the idea down, saying I couldn't think of a way to make it work. Until someone on his Discord server came to me with the seed of an idea, and me and my team started mulling it over, and I realized that I had a way to turn the topic into something else.

Something that took the idea of 'Why do X have breasts', the sexualization, the clear fetishization by people who wanted to see that video made, and turn it on its head.

I came up with a theory merging female empowerment with body horror, something I thought would be unsettling to those who showed up for sexual gratification. The idea that the breasts were really musculature around the ink sac, enabling female Inklings and Octolings to be superior fighters in a society that, even in canon, seems to be dominated by strong women.

Of course, people didn't see it that way. I forgot, or perhaps was even baited into by the member on his Discord server, that people with buff-women fetishes would find that take on the idea more exciting than disconcerting. That's something I'm not proud of, even if I'm proud of, overall, snatching female empowerment from the jaws of misogyny.

The video made me $60. Even less, because I split the money between me and my collaborators. In the years since, this has become the best performing of all of the videos I wrote for the channel.

In the meantime, he came to me asking if I would be willing to work on non-Splatoon content, floated to me an idea he'd been workshopping about making a channel focused on western animation. He wanted to keep me on as a writer, even as it was clear Splatoon content wasn't as lucrative, for me or for him, as the other work his channel was doing. I told him I wasn't sure, but offered a Steven Universe theory that I had written the year prior, for a channel that never happened. His response was that he didn't want to involve himself in that fandom for drama reasons, which I agreed with, and we never spoke again about it.

Next, I was told that I had to write a video under a strict deadline; they had a sponsorship from Splatoon Amino, and the video had to be done by a certain date. Me and one of my collaborators, also credited on the end card alongside me, cranked out a video on why Inklings and Octolings die in water. It didn't perform amazingly, but I still made… $92. More than I expected, and I chalked this up to the sponsorship. Again, I split the money, because I felt that was the right thing to do.

Then came the video I'm the most proud of. I came across a theory on Reddit about Splatoon 3, based on evidence found in the at the time new Salmon Run stage, Ruins of Ark Polaris. I messaged the creator of the theory asking if I could use it as the basis for a YouTube video, and was told I could. I built on top of it a larger theory, that ended up getting quite a lot right about what Splatoon 3 would be, almost a full year before the New Years 2020 'Save Our Salmons' art where Nintendo made a direct point of Splatoon 3 involving Salmonids.

I made… $35. And for my trouble? Another sexualized thumbnail, with the focal point of the thumbnail being the Smash Ultimate render of the Splatoon Wii U default Inkling Girl, a 14 year old character, having eaten the Spicy Curry item, edited to make her blush more intense. The implications are plain to intuit.

And, this video had unseen effects. In all of my scripts, I would make meticulous notes, of sources, of evidence. In that video, I had cited a translation I came across on Tumblr, belonging to an at the time smaller creative voice, Rassicas. The translation was used in the video as I wrote it, but no citation was given. Rassicas, for their part, for years thought 'Lockstin stole their work'. They have cited not wanting that to happen to them ever again, to stand on their own merits rather than others benefit from their work, as one of the reasons they started their YouTube channel to begin with, with them now considered by the fandom to be the definitive, authoritative voice in the community on Splatoon lore, especially lore that is exclusive to the Japanese text.

For my part, years later when I found this out, I apologized. I even wrote a public apology, taking full accountability, because I had forgotten IF I had credited them or not. When I looked at the script, and found out that I in fact had, and that it was his choice to strip that out, I told them immediately. We were both livid at the revelation.

Then came my final video, and the one I'm the least proud of. One of my team shared a meme that had been blowing up on /r/Splatoon, comparing Inkling and Octoling ear shapes to the mantles of actual squid and octopuses, pointing out that the idols' ear shapes corresponded more to the mantle shape of cuttlefish. We realized it for what it was, a joke, but realized there was an opportunity for an actual video there. I mean, hell, we know cuttlefish Inklings exist thanks to Octo Expansion, so it wouldn't even be bending the canon all that badly. So we ran with it. Made a damn good video, I admit.

Too good. The fandom even now, five and a half years later, is convinced Callie and Marie are cuttlefish.

Lockstin did us another kindness, as well; at the end of the video he plugged a website that I had been putting together, now long-since defunct, for Splatoon lore investigations by my team that I didn't think could be made into videos, either due to the turnaround time required, the length, or the interest. Sending people off of his platform and onto ours. And, on top of the direct plug, the direct shout-out, this time the end card credited 'the team at Inktank.info'. It didn't credit us by name, like the prior videos. But in its place he actively was driving people to our platform instead of his. On the one hand, legitimizing our work as part of a team and a place. But at the same time, meaning our names weren't directly on the video this time. I have mixed feelings about this, but I'm willing to err on the side of leniency and say that wasn't his intention. He was trying to drive eyes to us and our efforts, uplift us as creators, like he had done for others by launching their careers.

And from the video we made $102. The most we made off of any video, even though it performed among the bottom two. I haven't mentioned it until now, but at some point it had been established that this was because Lockstin had been rolling forward ad revenue from past videos into payment for future videos. Unspoken was the fact that, if I wanted to keep making money on my old videos, I'd have to keep making new ones.

Again, I split the money. Even when I was making almost nothing, I wasn't going to let the people who helped me, the people who understood the things I didn't, go unpaid and uncredited. Multiple of the videos contained deep dives on topics like mollusk biology as part of their evidence, which were things I'd have no idea about on my own. Not paying them, not pushing Lockstin to credit them, would be laundering responsibility for the content I sold him, at best.

And, of course, another thumbnail scandal, again falling on me within my friend group. Lockstin had used a Garry's Mod fan render of Marie in the thumbnail, and people who knew I worked on it messaged me about him using stolen art. I ended up giving Lockstin the official render that he had meant to use, which was identically posed so he probably just mixed the two up… He never fixed it. Even now the thumbnail still uses stolen art.

It was at this point I decided to walk away. There was a sixth video that I had begun to research, that I had been planning since the beginning and was really excited to finally work on, but… I just, gradually and silently stopped talking to Lockstin, and I walked away.

I didn't immediately cut contact, though. I maintained messaging him until halfway into 2020. Because despite it all, I saw him as someone I had an amicable relationship with. Because it took time for me to fully accept what had happened to me. I even told him, in our last exchange, that I was still planning on making that sixth video. Because it took me some time to really sit with what happened.

And during that time, something happened. Around the end of 2019 there were serious concerns going around, of the FTC going after YouTube channels run by pop culture focused content creators, due to the updates to COPPA reclassifying them as 'children's content', regardless of what they actually contained. I messaged Lockstin in a panic, telling him if things got that bad, to delist my videos since I lived, and still live, with my dad, both of us disabled and on a fixed income. He assured me that anything that occurred would happen to the channel owner, and that I was safe, no matter what happened. And, "if it does wind up bad I'll be delisting all the videos. and also I'll take the hit for any fines."

Edit 3/12/25 (in bold): Regardless, having done some back-of-the-napkin math talking to Rassicas since making the original version of this post, it turns out I likely was only receiving a 10% share of ad revenue, assuming a standard-at-the-time $2 to $3 CPM for gaming content. Likely less, since I noticed a bump in income on the video that was directly sponsored despite it doing poorly, implying I may have received income from the other videos' sponsors as well. If I received any sponsor money though, knowing now how lucrative sponsorships are, I can't imagine I got a reasonable share of that either. And no matter how much napkin math I do, the fact of the matter is I'll never know exactly how much he made, and exactly how much of it I made. But it wasn't a fair amount.

And when you factor in lost residuals in the years since? The breasts video alone would have made $2,000 to $3,000 by now in just raw CPM, meaning I ultimately made about 2-3% of the ad revenue on that video.

Also, I want to be clear. It was my choice to bring in a team after the fact. He was never responsible for that, and it made a meager pay situation worse. I accept the responsibility for that.

Even now I struggle to square the circle of what this was. I don't know enough about his YouTube finances to know if I was paid fairly, if money really was that tight for him and his team. He had been known for uplifting creators he worked with. He helped launch Arlo's career. I can't imagine he would abuse his employees.

Not to mention, there were good times. This was a gig that I really, truly enjoyed, and put more effort into than he ever asked for. After my first video, at my own personal expense, I flew to Portland for a day to be a part of a fan meetup he did for the channel. He didn't ask me to do that. Hell, he told me not to, he told me I was crazy for doing it. But I did it because I was passionate about the work and about representing my work to his fans. Not only that, every time a video came out, I would spend one or two days, replying, personally, to as many comments as I could, answering questions, clarifying and elaborating on things, interacting with fans on a personal level. He never asked me to do any of that. I did that because I was passionate about the work I was doing. And I don't regret that.

But at the same time, this feels like abuse. Even as he was kind to me at points.

And that's the fear, right? He's 'one of the good ones', even with the sexual clickbait and everything else. My fear is that if I share this story, I'll be crucified for trying to tear down, trying to cancel, someone who overall has a positive reputation, who's much, MUCH bigger than I am. But that's not what this is about. This is just…me telling my story. Me telling people what happened to me.

So, I don't know what to call it, really. Other than a learning experience, as I start to lay the groundwork for my own channel, years later. Because I don't want to do this to other people. No matter what you call it.

And I want to be clear. There are other creators I've worked with. Other people I've made handshake deals with, but who treated me kindly, with integrity and respect, with definite terms set out in advance. And when I haven't gotten paid by those people, it wasn't because they exploited me, it was because the work fizzled out, and there was no profit, so there was no pay to be had. That's not exploitation. That's a reality of the industry. Sometimes things just don't pan out, and that's okay.

What's not okay is the ambiguity, the space in the margins that can be used to exploit others, whether that was one's intention or not. Because I don't think that was Lockstin's intention. I think he saw me as another Arlo, another person he was lifting up. But at the same time, this experience was a source of genuine trauma, and something that I'm only now starting to be comfortable with telling people outside of my friend group, five years after it ended.

Like I said. I'm not trying to tear anyone down. I'm not writing a hit piece. Because I doubt this was malicious. I really do. I know that, if I messaged him? If I told him what his actions were and did to me? We could hash it out, I could get closure privately. And, hell, I might do that if and when I feel ready to. Or, if he sees this and messages me? Hey, dude. I'm open to talk about this. I'm listening, if you want to say something. Because, that's the thing, right? I didn't confront this, publicly or privately, for five years, even after I walked away. I was afraid of talking to him, of what that could mean for me if he disagreed that what he did was harmful. I was afraid of a potential escalation, or losing work in an industry where I'm still only starting to find my voice.

But this isn't about that. It's about making the world a little safer for people like me, for other people who went through what I did and might not have the language or the tools to recognize what they're going through. And to make a public point, that I learned from the experience, that I plan to be better than what happened to me. Not so I can aggrandize myself, but so you, the people reading this, can hold me to it if I ever lose my direction. So I put what happened to me to a stone tablet, never allowed to forget it. Because I want to stop the cycle of abuse before it's allowed to start.

So, thank you. For taking the time to read this, and for taking my story for what it is. It means more than you could ever know, not just to me, but to everyone like me.

Edit 2, 3/12/25: Since making this post, I remembered and checked on something, and it's so much worse than I thought.

In January of 2022, Lockstin posted a series of 'Season Collection' videos, bundling his content year-by-year across seven videos. These videos made up a total almost 55 hours of content and 310 videos.

The first problem... He cut out all of the end cards. All of them. I know I wasn't the only writer he worked with. How many other people went uncredited in these compilations besides me?

The second problem... Going back to the point I made about residuals. How do you even calculate something like that? Compilation content is meant to ride the wave of super-longform content like Arlo's 'A Big Fat Review of Breath of the Wild' or Quinton Reviews' series on Dan Schneider. It's meant to play to YouTube Premium viewers, where creators get a payout based on watch time. A big one. A proportional share per-viewer of 55% of their subscription cost, based on how much of their watchtime went to which channels each month. Both LinusTechTips and Arlo have referenced longer-form content being some of their highest-earning content as a result of this.

So, at best? Maybe he figures out how much money he got from YouTube Premium and tries to split that up based on the retention charts. I can't imagine that'd be reasonable to expect someone to do for seven compilation videos on an ongoing basis. Maybe he just divides all the YouTube Premium money, and the $2 to $3 CPM, across all 310 videos equally. But that doesn't ensure people are paid for the specific viewtime for their specific videos, and on a 10 hour supercut of as many as 60 videos, the CPM split would be negligible.

The third problem... The Season 5 thumbnail has the Agent 8 'white ink' image again, one of a few videos the thumbnail references.

I know that this is a drastically different tone than the rest of this post. But this isn't just 'a good guy making mistakes' anymore. This is systemic abuse of everyone who ever worked with him. Not just writers, but editors, special thanks to people who contributed in other ways... What does he call it? "The vast majority of Lockstin's "Gnoggin" videos, with the sponsorships, needless outros, and end cards removed".

My work. My credit for my work. Is "needless".

And among the videos that he removed, he references 'videos with very incorrect information (such as predictions)'. The Season 6 video removes my Splatoon 3 prediction video. The video that I think was my best work for him, that yes got some things wrong but got a shocking amount right, that has value not just to me but to him on that merit alone. Just proof he didn't understand the content.

I'm sorry. I'm just, angry. I know this is a change in tone but I'm angry.

[destiny-smasher]

(Nemona getting totally blown off and stonewalled once again and trying to shrug it off once again, she's so determined! </3)

Since people on the Internet get fussy with this shit, let me state upfront these are my opinions, from the perspective of someone who shares a lot of personality traits in common with Nemona and used to be a lot like her in my younger years. Nemona's lying when she says Scarlet's behavior and needless secrecy doesn't bother her at all. She keeps enduring the neglect (and sometimes straight up abuse), because she thinks that's what Scarlet needs atm. It's hard to say how things will pan out atm imo.

The manga mischaracterizes Nemona in some ways for me -- or I guess it's more proper to say, I do not think the way the manga characterizes Nemona is as positive as the games. The manga so far really makes her out to be less mature, less healthy mentally/emotionally, and kind of a pushover who actively lets others step all over her. I don't prefer it lol

She experiences an 'invisible wall' between herself and everyone else. And Scarlet's behavior so far in PokeSpe would only exacerbate that -- BUT, the two could clearly have a very meaningful bonding if they both stick things through, in a way the game version of Nemona doesn't because the story forces the protag to more just go along with everything.

I want to believe the manga will eventually have Nemona learn to adapt to Scarlet, Scarlet slowly open herself up to Nemona over time, start doing GOOD for her in return, and heaven forbid, maybe even apologize for mistreating Nemona -- though I don't expect the latter for sure.

It can be very exhausting and draining to endure what Nemona is enduring, but if you have that determination and willpower to put up with someone's worse traits because you see the good in them, sometimes it's good to use that to be there for the other person.

Everyone's struggles are unique and people exhibit their flaws in different ways. Nemona is "too much" and Scarlet pushes back in hostile ways. Their personalities are potentially toxic for one another, tbqh, but there's so much value imo in them bridging that gap.

The core of most fictional relationships I genuinely care about and many of my real life ones is the idea of bridging the understanding gap, through communication and gestures and time spent together, where there is mutual growth and reassurance.

Because of how I've been mistreated in the past, it's REALLY difficult for me to look at Nemona/Scarlet even just as friends and not be very worried about them. They're not self-aware yet, much less mature enough to navigate their differences. But they COULD be.

Many of the most edifying and growth-defining relationships of my life were due to stark differences in personality being reconciled with mutual care, assurance, trust, and just plain holding on. I think these two can totally reach that. I just don't know if they WILL here.

Because the fact is, Scarlet's behavior is hurtful. She clearly has reasons she is this way, and sometimes you just gotta get that shit out. And having people strong enough to endure that shit can be valuable, even if you don't realize it at the time. But it's a fine line.

Scarlet seems to be dealing with mental health issues, or at the least neurodivergency -- and Nemona at least has the latter going on, too. That creates a lot of tension. But that also means they can be there for each other in a meaningful way if they can work that shit out.

At the current rate they're going, however, Scarlet's behavior isn't improving so far. It's like she just gets to be a jerk and 'get away with it' and everyone is supposed to be fine with that? Doesn't settle well with me, and Nemona sure doesn't deserve this treatment.

But at the same time, Nemona IS one of those rare people with the willpower and stubborn determination to keep being there for Scarlet in spite of things not going well for a while -- even a long while. She sees the good in Scarlet even if Scarlet doesn't.

The manga has NOT done much at all so far to sell us on Scarlet/Nemona working out even just as friends, but it feels deliberate how their dynamic has been set up. So I want to have hope there, but it does remind me a bit too much of stuff from my past, so I get trepidatious.

In a way, part of Operation Comet Punch (my long fic) entails exploring that very trepidation and (I hope) coming up with at least one 'version' of reconciling things in a healthy, mutually supportive way for everyone involved (and that goes beyond just Nemona and Scarlet).

I hope the manga can figure out ways to do this, too. Because I like the idea of Nemona and Scarlet at least becoming good friends over time. It's just difficult to see right now if you're being pragmatic.

"Desma this is a manga primarily targeting middle school boys wtf are you talking about"

Look, between my own fanfic about these characters and my real life experiences, I can't help but analyze and try to be optimistic on all fronts. I get triggered a bit by 'toxic yuri' and this is reminding me of that, but I want to believe in it EVOLVING beyond that (pun intended). And I know it can.

[tm-trx]

Pit Babe 2, ep 7

Live Reaction Thoughts

Standard warning applies: may will contain inconsistent/excessive punctuation and capitalization, talking to myself, talking to the characters, rampant speculation, and many many questions to self.

Charlie is pushing Babe away to keep him safe, I’m guessing. Because him all of a sudden being insecure really doesn’t ring true and Babe would be questioning everything if he wasn’t so upset.

Willy backstory! finally

oh I didn’t expect that wow; Willy is one of Tony’s experiments and presumably it worked on him?

I’m still confused about Willy’s goal being to bring Charlie in. Is he messing with Babe just to be evil or is he trying to break them up so Charlie will somehow then want to go to Tony? Make it make sense. Willy, please explain your reasoning, 10-slide PPT format optional, but preferred.

Once again, Charlie goes off on his own and doesn’t tell anyone what he’s doing; will Jeff tell anyone this time though?

aw Babe :( at least Charlie didn’t fake his death this time?

well you treat the team like a family instead of a business, sooo

Kawin = Willy?

argh Charlie just trust him

Pavel is breaking my heart; he’s so freaking good

Even if I hadn’t seen the spoiler from the second half, that scene would have given away that something big was going to happen later.

good job guys, just retraumatize the witness

uh oh Charlie said too much when he left and now Babe suspects that something’s going on?

ding ding ding

I didn’t expect Jeff to reveal the truth so fast, but I guess he remembers how last time went.

lol nice try Charlie

and again, Pavel - the crack in his voice? - love they used that take

UFDAH

“I’ll leave the ring here. Wear it if you want. If not, that’s okay too.” just kill me now

oh shit this is cool; what’s he seeing?!!?? multiple futures all at the same time??

this scene is seriously gorgeously shot wow

but also that shot of Babe looking up at Charlie while opening his jeans with his teeth is going to live rent free in my head all week

wtf why was he driving?

aw Jeff :(

!!!

Didn’t expect that, but I’m also not surprised Charlie would try and take Jeff’s power. I am here for the ill-advised sacrifice play.

an extra screenshot this week, just because

Final Thoughts

This show is consistently giving us great episodes and I am loving it.

We finally found out some of Willy's history. Turns out he's one of Tony's (seemingly) successful experiments. Horrifying and terrible and clearly not a valued one. Which is very weird, because you'd think that it would make Willy more valuable to Tony. If only to help his scientists figure out why it worked on him.

Kim and Kenta had another Moment(TM) this week, complete with extended slo-mo. I liked the car one better, tbh. And, apologies to the actor’s contract, but that scene with Pete could have been an email.

North and Sonic. sigh. The way they are drawing them out is not working, because they're doing the same thing over and over again. I wish North was confiding in someone so we at least get some plot movement. Dean is right there, show. It would have been a great use of his character if Sonic all of a sudden saw North talking to him all hush-hush and got jealous, even with how cliche it’d be. At this rate, they’ll get together all in a rush right at the end.

All of the Babe and Charlie scenes this week were excellent - so much angsty goodness. I genuinely thought they’d repeat the season one plot with Charlie off doing his own thing trying to draw out Tony, and Babe would find out at the worst moment in an episode or two. I am so pleased to be wrong. They’re not actually back together, but at least now Babe knows that Charlie still loves him, even if he’s determined to stick with his plan. And I get why Charlie’d leave the ring off, but ouch.

I loved the way they filmed Jeff’s decline. The angle of the camera as it followed him into the house, then the slow reveal combined with the lack of the usual special effects signaling that he was having a vision was so creepy and so impactful. The only misstep was later when he was driving, because come on. He’d have never gotten in a car in that state. Everything in the hospital after was great though.

That no dialogue hair dryer scene. Domestic and sexy and sweet all at the same time. Also the music choice was A+. SO GOOD.

Is it next Friday, yet?!

My Pit Babe 2 recaps: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6

[rileyslibrary]

Hi, this might be a strange request, but could you please do some sort of character analysis, or maybe tell some of your headcanons for the 141 characters??

I’ve been trying to find some, but everything I find is either weirdly out of character or just some sort of weird projection onto the characters 😭

Not strange at all, anon! It just occurred to me that, for a blog dedicated to Ghost, I’ve never done something like this. Also, I understand what you mean, but it’s also important to remember that headcanons are extremely subjective. Maybe the same applies to my case, and someone also finds my headcanons out of character; who knows?

Please note that I can’t say much about the other boys since I’ve only focused on Ghost, so here are some of my headcanons (i.e. that’s how I personally imagine Ghost):

He’s your average, ordinary guy on the outside. Sure, he is stereotypically attractive (tall, beefy, with a deep voice), but so are a billion other people in this world. There’s nothing extraordinary about him, which is precisely what makes him so intriguing.

I like to imagine his personality similarly to how he wears his uniform—layer, under layer, under layer. You want to peel him like an onion; uncover what lies beneath the surface.

He’s extremely pragmatic and values function over form. It doesn’t matter if something looks bad/ugly/weird as long as it gets the job done. If it works, it works.

Moderation gives him a sense of discipline. He wants to control everything that’s within his ability to do so—managing what food he puts in his body, regulating his alcohol intake, handling finances, and even carefully choosing his words. It helps him maintain his sanity, knowing he has control over his life, especially considering what he went through.

He’s also incredibly efficient. He doesn’t waste time on things that aren’t important or beyond his control.

He’s not a gym rat (he doesn’t regard it as a second home), but he’s definitely a regular. The gym owners are familiar with him, though their interactions are brief—maybe they exchanged a few words to renew his membership in the past, but that’s about it.

He tends to stick to the free-weight section at the gym. If it’s crowded, he’ll put on his headphones to tune everything out, but if it’s quiet, he doesn’t bother. While he doesn’t use the machines often, he’ll turn to them occasionally, particularly when he needs more controlled movement.

Warming up before exercising is particularly important to him, and he takes his time to stretch afterwards, usually in an isolated corner of the gym. He never skips leg day.

He is not a flirt. Usually, it’s others who pursue him rather than the other way around. It’s almost like he has it too easy in that department. He doesn’t have to make much effort—he simply goes about his business (occasionally checking his surroundings for potential dangers,) and suddenly, people gravitate towards him. He’s not a fan of this attention but keeps it to himself.

He engages in a flirtatious exchange almost every day with the elderly lady who manages the convenience store in his neighbourhood, though. He often compliments her on her hair and how young she looks and sometimes jokes that if her late husband were still around, he’d have some competition. She, in return, offers him freebies, which he politely declines. However, he sometimes accepts these gestures in exchange for lending a hand with tasks around the store.

His apartment is modest since he travels a lot, yet he considers it his personal haven when he returns to it. He deliberately keeps it free of any traces of his alternate identity. There’s a family photo framed somewhere. Even his dad included. Maybe he considered cutting him out of the picture but decided against it. He wants to be reminded of both the positive and negative experiences that influence his decisions and actions.

He likes to make his own jokes. They mostly come to him when he does something mundane, like cooking, showering, or watching TV. He doesn’t take offence if others don’t laugh at his jokes, though. He simply views them as idiots or lacking a sense of humour.

He opts for public transport only when needed, like during heavy traffic, but that doesn’t mean he likes it. He keeps his back against the wall and doesn’t wear headphones since he wants to be aware of his surroundings.

He breaks fights if he stumbles upon them late at night and calls the police. When the officers arrive, he is the first to talk to them and usually scolds them for not getting there faster.

I don’t think he wears his mask when he’s out and about. In my mind, Simon Riley is different from Ghost. If someone manages to connect the dots, he’ll make sure it’s the last time they do so. For him, good people don’t know who Ghost is. Only bad people do.

He wants to extend his sleeve tattoo further up his arm but struggles to find the time to schedule an appointment with his tattoo artist. Yes, he has a trusted tattoo artist.

[confessionsofa-roleplayer]

I've been thinking about why I've been so disinterested in roleplaying lately, why I just don't care about it and can't seem to pick myself up and write any replies or post anything on the dash anymore. I just can't bring myself to care anymore when none of my mutuals care about my muses or me. Or at least, they don't show that they do. I've been roleplaying on this site for 2-3 years now and it's been the same thing for me in every corner of the rpc I've tried to fit in with. No matter where I go, no matter who I rp with, no matter what I do, it always is the same thing. People who don't read my rules. People who ignore everything I post. People who ignore things I send them. People who drop threads with me after 1-3 replies while replying rapidly/daily to everyone else. People who say they value communication, but then get pissed off at me and block me when I try to communicate. People who lie to me, try to gaslight me, and then make it obvious when they do. People who never send me any asks, but will happily reblog things from me and send asks to each other, right there in front of me while I'm active on the dash too. On the rare occasion I do get something sent to me, the response I give is often ignored. People will be sending things to each other like crazy, asking about each other's muses, commenting on each other's posts with so much enthusiasm about each other's muses and lore and writing and everything, but there's none of that for me and my muses and my writing. Nothing. I do care about people's muses and their writing and their art and all of it. I follow them and write with them because I'm interested in their characters and writing and I want to roleplay with them. The only reason I can see all this activity between everybody is because I interact with their posts and comment and send them things. But there is none of it from them to me. It makes me feel like… I'm just an accessory to everybody. I'm only here to be a fan to their characters, and that's it. The only thing I can conclude from all of this, after several years of trying and trying and trying, is that there is something wrong with me. There is something about me people don't like or care about, something about me and/or my muses and the way I roleplay that just isn't compatible with the community here. I don't know what else it could be. If I'm the one constantly being rejected everywhere I go, then the only thing that makes sense is that I'm the problem. So, I'm removing myself from the rpc. I don't want to do this anymore. Sticking around any longer and continuing to try in a space where I am very obviously not welcome is foolish and stupid of me, and quite frankly humiliating and degrading to myself, and I deserve better. I love writing. I love interacting with people and making friends. But this community isn't it for me. This community is selfish, self-centered, and oftentimes cruel. There were some small moments of fun, but overall it's been an unwelcoming experience for me, and I hope that if this confession gets posted, anyone who reads it who feels the same as me realizes that they are worth more than this and finds the courage to leave too.

[blue-ten]

Windows 11 and the Last Straw

Bit of a rant coming up. TL;DR I'm tired of Microsoft, so I'm moving to Linux. After Microsoft's announcement of "Recall" and their plans to further push Copilot as some kind of defining feature of the OS, I'm finally done. I feel like that frog in the boiling water analogy, but I'm noticing the bubbles starting to form and it's time to hop out.

The corporate tech sector recently has been such a disaster full of blind bandwagon hopping (NFTs, ethically dubious "AI" datasets trained on artwork scraped off the net, and creative apps trying to incorporate features that feed off of those datasets). Each and every time it feels like insult to injury toward the arts in general. The out of touch CEOs and tech billionaires behind all this don't understand art, they don't value art, and they never will.

Thankfully, I have a choice. I don't have to let Microsoft feature-creep corporate spyware into my PC. I don't have to let them waste space and CPU cycles on a glorified chatbot that wants me to press the "make art" button. I'm moving to Linux, and I've been inadvertently prepping myself to do it for over a decade now.

I like testing out software: operating systems, web apps, anything really, but especially art programs. Over the years, the open-source community has passionately and tirelessly developed projects like Krita, Inkscape, and Blender into powerhouses that can actually compete in their spaces. All for free, for artists who just want to make things. These are people, real human beings, that care about art and creativity. And every step of the way while Microsoft et al began rotting from the inside, FOSS flourished and only got better. They've more than earned trust from me.

I'm not announcing my move to Linux just to be dramatic and stick it to the man (although it does feel cathartic, haha). I'm going to be using Krita, Inkscape, GIMP, and Blender for all my art once I make the leap, and I'm going to share my experiences here! Maybe it'll help other artists in the long run! I'm honestly excited about it. I worked on the most recent page of Everblue entirely in Krita, and it was a dream how well it worked for me.

Addendum: I'm aware that Microsoft says things like, "Copilot is optional," "Recall is offline, it doesn't upload or harvest your data," "You can turn all these things off." Uh-huh. All that is only true until it isn't. One day Microsoft will take the user's choice away like they've done so many times before. Fool me once, etc.

[pdpenpals]

happy to have found your blog, love the concept!

could we maybe get a confession letter from pdh!travis? 👉👈

hi!! thank you so much, anon. hope you like the liberties i've taken with this request (you didn't specify what kind of confession it was going to be!! /silly), hehe. you'd wanna hear what this lil guy has to say, but he thinks it may be a little too much.

as expected, there’s another letter waiting for you at the usual spot. sure, it’s exciting, but you can’t help but wonder how fast it takes for your “secret admirer” (as your friends like to put it, even though you insist you're just friends) to send you a reply and leave it without you being able to catch a glimpse of him. maybe you should be scared instead. is it even possible to do that? who would have so much free time on their hands to go through the trouble of this anonymous (sorta) exchange? you two apparently.

the envelope as always is the plain white ones you can easily buy in bulk for cheap. there’s no seal, but you can easily tell it’s been shut tight by glue. you look around and find no one else within the vicinity, so you decide it should be fine to open it and start reading then and there. as usual, it's left unsigned.

My dearest cruel friend,

Re: your last letter, ouch. After how I’ve bared myself to you these past few weeks, that’s how you reply? As someone who’s been in Phoenix Drop longer than I have, I don’t think that’s very “bleeding heart” (I don't think that's the actual word they use but does anyone actually memorize the school's core values??) of you. Just kidding. Sorry.

I still wonder what life would be like if I never transferred to PD. So far acads and socializing have gotten better than expected but never easier. To be honest, what I have now isn’t exactly how I thought my high school experience here would be like. This year, I imagined going out with friends more, maybe even a nightly rendezvous with someone who’s caught my eye, but my words and I are falser than vows made in wine. 

My bad, practice has been way too fun to not quote this year's play. Seriously though…

I say all that, yet here I am, spending more time at school than I should, sticking around for a while longer on campus, checking every other hour for your next letter. Before I knew it, I’d spent the majority of this semester getting to know you. Now I do, and I am sure that there’s no one else like you in this world. I guess you could say I’m absolutely smitten by you.

My friend says I should just go up to you and reveal myself already, and as much as I want to say I don’t think it’s the right time yet, or that I prefer the intimacy of being your faceless penpal (free to quarrel with you all I like in pen without being judged), I’m honestly very very afraid of what you’d think of me when we finally meet face to face. No matter how hard I try, I'll never be like said friend, forward and confident and cool.

It is as clear as day that my fate is sealed.

You’d hate to hear this, but I’ve been meaning to distract myself from our exchange by choosing to hang out more with other people, hence my slower replies. But hear me out when I say that there’ll be this little something about them that makes me think all about you, and then I’ll get upset since they will never be anything like you. So there’s no way for you to tell me that don’t think of you every day.

PS. You’ve probably figured out who I am by now, haven’t you?

[aranarumei]

scrambles in after work let's see if we can get that 2k out of you

While I love a successful love story, yes yes yes unrequited loves! (Also handshake anti hanahaki) Loves that are tragic in their way, but also just a part of life. A part of the experiences that make up a person. I love that that's kind of the theme of your fic? What has Ichinose gone through, what was the progression of thoughts and emotions and experiences that lead to where he is now. Even if he does go on to enter a successful relationship, it's fine for that not to be his first love, for Suzuki and the dorm manager to have had such an impact on him. (Side note, loved Suzuki's "reassuring smile"!! Felt that!!)

Also the conflict!! Even if he believes what he says about moving on, does he live it out? He knows it in his head, but what about his heart? Characters can be liars, and even more often, they are just complex! It's exactly because he struggles with it that he thinks about it so much, values those concepts, will talk about it. And still do things that are in conflict with it. Would Ichinose consider himself "moving on" even?

Alsoooo, thoughts on contrasting this with Kagiura and Hirano? I think in another comment you talked about Ichinose's denial of his feelings (hunger) vs Kagiura's insatiability. And then there's Hirano who just doesn't have the same hunger that they do! (Also did I mention I love Ichinose being comfortable with Hirano because he's weird. Weird kids gotta stick together, like there really is such solidarity even when you're different brands of weird.)

ALSOOOO HANZAWA. Loved the line about Ichinose being a little disconcerted by Hanzawa, a little insecure about this first year kind of doing what he should be as dorm head, even just as a senpai. But I knowwwww Hanzawa has at least as much anxiety shoved in him as Ichinose, he is just so so good at hiding it. Just keep busy and no one will look to closely, least of all himself.

(context: we’re discussing my fic, violeta fantasy. this is part 1. part 2 is here)

scrambles in after one of the busiest weeks of my life You Will Get Your... 1.2k, it looks like. I did see your asks and then thought about making a proper Organized Post about all the violeta fantasy things again, and then I realized that would take me like a full month so I decided on the more casual route. thank you for your questions / comments, since instead of trying to write Everything I can just... do my best to address this stuff. under the cut bc this is a long answer even if it's not 2k-long.

When I first concepted this fic, the base idea was just, “I want to write an Ichinose character study.” And what I really wanted to focus on was the unrequited love, since we’d seen that Ichinose has really strong feelings about the dorm manager. And these feelings are definitely one-sided—I suppose we’ve yet to know if it’s one-sided forever, but I think for now my statement holds. I think that’s nice, because I love unrequited love. it is powerful, and moving, and meaningful to me, even without any eventual happy ending. This is probably why hanahaki as a trope doesn’t agree with me… I don’t care for the idea that you’ll die if love isn’t mutual (though the art / visuals of choking up flowers is pretty sick).

Ichinose also seems pretty closeted, which is. Another thing I wanted to work with, here, when discussing his character. Ichinose is the type of character who feels like he’s living a pretty high-achieving life. he’s got great grades, is working towards his dreams, and he was social enough to be the dorm head. I'm pretty sure that Hirano describes him as a chill type of guy, which is a fascinating description for someone who we’ve seen get stress cramps. It made me think that Ichinose was someone with a pretty good mask. And it’s not that the vibrant, nice Ichinose we see isn’t real—it’s just that it’s an incomplete representation of him. It fit with a lot of things I was thinking about regarding my personal experiences with being closeted.

Ichinose is someone who looks Fine on the outside, but being gay fundamentally makes it impossible for him to have a “normal” life. Suzuki, here, is meant to represent the mundane and the average. that “reassuring smile” that Ichinose likes him for gives him a sense of belonging. It’s something that sets him at ease because it tells him, you’re not weird. Suzuki is one of the most common Japanese surnames ever, which is why I picked it for this character. I’m pretty sure this is also the reason why the love interest in Let’s Love (the fake archetypal shoujo manga in Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun) is named Suzuki Saburou, so it was also a nod to that. This, by all respects, should be an “ordinary” first love. But Ichinose can’t help but be weird, because he’s gay. That fact alone bars him from the side of “normal.” So when Suzuki later disrespects Ichinose’s favorite game, and doesn’t understand how important it is, it’s a drawing of a chasm between the two. The reminder that you’re always, always going to be an outsider.

I was also really interested in the game message that Ichinose liked so much: “If you never move on, it’s all been a waste.” I thought that concept fit really well with moving on from unrequited love, so it was a natural thing to focus on within the fic. When I thought about highlighting that, I thought it’d be neat to just… talk about the game itself, and have that somehow parallel or echo themes in Ichinose’s life, which is exactly what happened. It was a fun framing device—I got to say a lot of things about Ichinose without necessarily saying them directly, which was cool.

And the message is so interesting, because it’s Ichinose’s explanation. That’s colored by his own experiences. I was kind of vague as to whether Ichinose actually moves on at the end, and that’s in part because I myself wasn’t sure. I’m glad now that I did that, considering Ichinose moved out of the dorm and is still hanging out with the dorm manager. It’s nice to see Ichinose like that, without being a nervous wreck. My interpretation, keeping canon in mind, is that internally, Ichinose has revisited the idea of “moving on” and decided to value his in-the-moment feelings more. Violeta Fantasy (the game) doesn’t suggest that Ven’s feelings about his friends were wrong. Instead it (through Astra) says that they matter, but they can’t control him. So, the Ichinose that obsesses over the futility of his love and the need to move on… he’s actually Defining himself by that relationship, isn’t he? He's letting that anguish of it, whether it's the experience of unrequital, or the desperate need to move on, control him.

So a lot of his final conclusion rests on the idea of like… he has to accept that love DOES feel this way. That it DOES suck. (When YOU fall in love, YOU fall.) That he’s going to feel like this, and one day he won’t feel like this, but that day is not today. (...Not yet.) And that's... fine. For someone who self-describes himself as “impatient,” I thought it would be really good for him to learn to live in the moment. (Close YOUR eyes. Feel the wind. YOU are not yet flying.)

Speaking of… contrasts with Kagiura and Hirano! As you say, I think looking at Kagiura and Ichinose’s relationship to hunger is a fun way of looking at their relationship to desire. Kagiura is insatiable, and he doesn’t ignore it—he’s always snacking and he uses dinnertime as an excuse to stop studying. On the other hand, Ichinose gets so into studying that he’s liable to ignore his hunger and skip entire meals. I see this as a denial of his own desire, which is reflected in my fic with how he’s really insistent about the idea of moving on. As for Ichinose’s friendship with Hirano, one of my headcanons is that Ichinose was kind of a chill and relaxed roommate, despite being the dorm head, because his personal experiences with anxiety have him trying to set everyone else at ease. It’s this feeling of like, don’t look at me and see what’s wrong with me. I’m normal! Nothing to see here. This is a feeling that, in my fic, stems from his experience with Suzuki and being in the closet. Hirano is really good at living his life in his way, and I think seeing someone who’s just so unapologetically Himself would make Ichinose feel like he, too, could be a little weird, and it’d be fine. (This is, after all, the guy who would later google the definition of “normal” because he wasn’t sure what a romantic relationship was meant to be like.) I’m honestly very proud of this because like… Ichinose kind of gives him the allowance to be Weird later on in ch 29, so like… I was picking up on themes! (I think?)  

Hanzawa’s so fun to me because it is very like… hello, Ichinose. That’s you. They’re not the exact same, but Hanzawa definitely has his own set of masks, and I think he’s said before that he keeps busy so he doesn’t get too in his head? Which feels very much like Ichinose. Also I feel like Hanzawa has his own complications with being closeted and stuff, too, which is really fun because Ichinose doesn’t actually know that about him, so he thinks he’s doing fine even though they have the same issue of “outside fine, inside Not Fine.” I think Ichinose would also be disconcerted because of Hanzawa’s Alleged Homophobia (NOT REAL. sorry I just. don’t like homophobic hanzawa statements even as jokes). Ichinose sidesteps Hanzawa really well in ch 28, actually—navigates the situation so he’s kept in the dark about the Hirano and Kagiura hugging situation. So, I think I was correct to write him as a little wary and sensitive to Hanzawa.

Hanzawa's another character that occupies my mind like crazy, I love writing that guy. Thank you for these questions / comments! Sorry it took so long, and I will try to answer your second ask... in less time, maybe.

[lagomoz]

playing baldur's gate 3 while rejecting all romance paths is actually hilarious because you get a harem all gunning for the least eligible bachelorette in all the lands

-caught off guard by Gale's magic lesson turning into yearning eye contact. I just wanted to learn about magic. I would give him a fist bump if I could

-Shadowheart asks to share a drink at the party in her tent. I go hell yeah pour up!, excited to party with my buddy, and my (real life, who's watching me play) brother has to tell me she was hitting on me

-Lae'zel asks to smash right in the middle of slaughtering a bunch of goblins. we're both covered in blood. there's several dead bodies right there. the rest of the party can 100% hear and see this. I tell her no thanks and continue killing goblins. nobody brings it up again

-wasn’t entirely sure if she meant “taste me” in a sex way or a cannibalism way at first. I would’ve been more likely to say yes to the cannibalism

-I ignore the weird S&M whipping guy until my brother suggests there might be a mechanical benefit to doing it. I hadn't thought of that, I just thought the game had a random weirdo for no reason. the rest of the party watches me turn down the clearly insane sadomasochist lurking in a shady dungeon until I remember stat boosts and run off to get whipped for combat advantage

-after knocking Minthara out, I accidentally steal her underwear. I apologize and sheepishly put it back in her inventory. everything else is still stolen without remorse

-Withers tells me not to get distracted by my bosom buddy. I have to inform him that not only do I have no goddamn clue who he's referring to but that he should be far more worried about me getting distracted by literally anything else

-Gale talks about the suspension bridge effect in the shadow lands. I excitedly agree that yes, I do know about that, isn't it interesting? psychology is so cool! the fact he might be trying to imply something by bringing that up is irrelevant in the face of fun trivia. this probably makes me more attractive to him honestly

-every time Astarion casually flirts in his dialogue I ask if he means it in a bro way. I suspect he wants to kill me

-Halsin asks to hit. I stare at him, go nope! and walk off. neither of us bring it up again

-world’s most awkward brothel scene. I’m most excited about the cat

-Orin replaces the circus dryad and tries to get information from a love test. I go oh well I have nobody to do this with and carry on to gleefully enjoy the circus without ever realizing it was her

-I make Gale lick the dead spider laced with aphrodisiacs because I'm scared of spiders. he agrees to lick the dead spider. Shadowheart judges him heavily

-after refusing Mizora I continue my hobby of trying new ways to harming her. explosions, magic, whacking her over the head, biting, etc. it doesn't stick but it's about the message

-I tell off creepy blood lady for trying to pressure Astarion and then cheerfully accept her creepy offer because someone experimenting on my blood sounds perfectly fine to me. her fetish is none of my business

-Astarion’s character arc around being only valued for his sex appeal derailed by the weirdo who’s second most prevalent thought after seeing him shirtless after the rune scars is wondering what kind of undead have nipples

-Withers. Withers do you have nipples. it’s for science Withers. hey wait where are you going-

-I meet an incubus. I politely ask him to put some pants on and then if he has any tips on murdering the guy I'm here to rob

-emperor asks to smash. I bluescreen for a good minute and tell it no thanks. neither of us bring it up again

-completely missed the implication Ansur and the Emperor were a thing. I would have nuked that squid idiot so much harder if I'd known. how'd you fumble an actual dragon that bad? I'd treat Ansur right

-I’m like 90% I’ve missed some other romantic implications because I’m focused on trying to loot every single tin cup

I haven’t bathed in a month. I collect body parts. I’m dense as fuck. I never have any idea what’s going on. I forget names, directions and what we were supposed to be doing constantly. I enjoy blowing people up. everyone wants me carnally

[aroacedm]

AITL (am I the loser) for killing a mass murderer and a would-be mass murderer and lying about it? :(

So, I was teaching this kid because he reminded me of myself and I didn’t want him to go down the same road I did, which is filled with stab wounds. But that’s not relevant :D !!!

Oh some maybe relevant information is that this kid is the prince of the kingdom that massacred mine… :\  But that was like 500 years ago its not relevant anymore :)

There is a noble boy (we can call him al) who is the last mortal descendant of my family, and he is friends with the prince (we can call him L). L really values Al’s friend ship :)

There are some survivors from my old country, and most live in this new one in a specific district and face lots of discrimination :( but the prince wants to end that because he believes if he can be friends with someone from the old land, everyone can! (he is very idealistic but has amazing morals :D )  the surviving nobles from the old country are not very happy, but haven’t caused any trouble.

No one else knows I am the old prince from the old country, they don’t know anything about me. I am very cold and strict when teaching :[. I got the job because I saved L’s life when he was young by attacking kidnappers with a stick. L’s parents saw how skilled I was (not trying to brag :( but I have trained with swords for hundreds of years) and hired me to teach L.

It is L’s 18th birthday and his family is holding a feast. I chose not to go because I became immortal on my 17thand after I was banished (oh yeah ive been banished from heaven twice they don’t really like me but that’s fine :D) the year I would have turned 18 if I aged, I was stabbed 100 times within around an hour, my only two friends ever left me (it was my fault F and M if you are reading this) and my parents committed suicide. I was struggling with my experiences so I chose not to go to not make everyone else feel bad because of my behaviour. :(

I heard a commotion after a while so I rushed over to try and help, but I saw Al in a bloodstained room stabbing the king, L’s dad. L was no where in sight. Al ran, and I went to the king to try and help him. He told me Al did this, and everyone from the old kingdom will die for his actions. He was done for, there was no chance he would survive the day, but I still couldn’t let this happen. I stabbed him to prevent a genocide. L came in and thought I did everything. I didn’t correct him because I knew I deserved it. He ran off probably to alert others and I went to confront Al. I revealed who I actually was, and he attempted to get me to help him kill all of the people living in the country, including L. I used a method on him to make his organs dissolve and no mark to be left on him and I knew he would die shortly. 

I decided to let L fight me, but made it extremely easy for him to win. I let him believe I was dead, and he buried me in a 3 layer coffin with a stake through my heart (overkill :\) I waited for about 50 years so he wouldn’t be checking if I was dead. I knew I could easily push the stone away but apparently 50 years of no sun or movement makes you really weak. I was in there for about 100 years total but managed to escape eventually :)

You may be asking why this is relevant anymore, and that’s because L confronted me after realising I was his teacher (I’ve ascended again and this was in front of most gods). I said I did it in front of the emperor of heaven and he confined me to house arrest (idk why I wasn’t banished I asked to be) then my very close friend came and broke in to rescue me :D.

Lots of stuff happened but now everyone knows I didn’t actually kill everyone, and is angry that I falsely confessed. Some people are mad that I killed anyone, even if it was to prevent genocide. Am I in the wrong here? It was a split second decision to stop a racially targeted war, but I still feel guilty as the king was trying to improve relations between the people before the feast.

TLDR: My selfishly putting my bad memories over celebration caused me to not be able to stop a massacre. So I killed a guy to stop genocide and the person who did it who was planning to do it again. Then I lied and said I’d done all of it.