#i work really really hard on being nice and seeing people in a... not negative light when i can ajdkfllhj

[daz4i]

i will say tho i'm p proud of myself for managing to be relatively non judgemental and mostly keeping my tendency to assume things abt strangers at a minimum. ik we all do that but i also know it's not the healthiest thing especially when it just makes me feel worse too, but i've been practicing it for years and i think i'm doing well at it. like even well enough that it's noticeable to other people and they point out how nice it is. i dunno i think it's cool i think it's a good thing abt me

[hotyanderedaddies]

Yandere Nerd Blackmails "Mean Girl" You into Being His

[Yandere! Nerd x Popular! GN! Reader]

·゜·:.。..。.:·☆·゜·:.。..。.:·☆

You're one of the popular people in school: surrounded by tons of friends, always going out on dates every weekend, and always invited to every party.

To say the least, you loved you life.

However, while your social life was on an upward trajectory, you struggled a little bit with your classes. And with an upcoming physics midterm giving you anxiety, you knew that you had to do something.

"H-hey, Y/N," some random nerd (Nate?) who sat beside you in class said. He wore a really large smile and his eyes seemed to shine with adoration the more he stared at you.

"Yeah?" you asked, anger seeping into your tone due to your stress levels.

"If you want a tutor, I can help you out?" Nate cheerily smiled, almost begging you to accept his offer.

He wanted you to accept so badly! He loves you so desperately!

You vaguely recalled this nerdy guy as the one who kept following you around like a lovesick puppy. However, given your high social status, you didn't pay him too much attention.

"Eww," you scoffed, oblivious to his frown. Ugh, what would your friends say if they saw you with him?

You didn't like the idea of owing anyone, plus, Nate would most likely just drool all over you as you attempted to study.

*Sigh, it's just the price to pay for being pretty.

After school, you were making your way down the hall when you noticed that the door to your physics class was slightly ajar, and there was zero sign of the teacher. And on the desk was a little, tantalizing manilla folder.

You knew it was wrong, that you could get in some serious trouble (even risking expulsion), yet you couldn't resist rushing inside and snatching the folder off the desk to peek at its contents.

And voilà!

The answers to the midterm were in your clutches. Thinking quickly, you took a quick picture of the answers with your phone and placed them back into the folder, setting it on the desk and rushing out of the classroom.

·゜·:.。..。.:·☆·゜·:.。..。.:·☆

You got an A+ on your physics midterm.

"Good work, Y/N," the teacher even said as she handed you back your exam. "I can tell you studied a lot."

"Sure did," you confidently said, a wide smile on your face. You were on top of the world, having passed the hard test with absolutely zero negative consequences.

You were riding high for most of the school day, already planning out your weekend that was supposed to be full of partying and flirting with the quarterback of the football team (he has muscles for days), when Nate approached you at your locker.

"Hey there, Y/N," he smirked, his eyes narrowing for some reason.

"Whaaaat?" you sighed, already fed up with this loser who seemed to just want to waste your precious time.

"I heard you got a perfect score on the midterm," Nate knowingly grinned, something in his tone making you wince. "That's pretty impressive, seeing as how you were a little worried before."

You rolled your eyes, slamming your locker shut as you readied yourself to storm off. "Are you trying to say that I'm not smart?" you deflected. "That's not nice." You spun around on your heels.

"Neither is cheating," Nate muttered, making you freeze.

Slowly, you turn around to stare Nate down. Despite your face going pale at the thought of being found out, you saw that Nate had a big smirk on his... did... did he know? No, there was no way.

You were careful, right?

"What are you talking about?" you asked, trying to act all cool, but your heart was racing like crazy in your chest.

The knowing smirk on Nate's face, the way he narrowed his cold calculating eyes at you, and the way he chuckled let you know that something was wrong. Plus, Nate was WAY taller than you, and the way he towered over you, leaning threateningly over you, was enough to make you shiver.

Something was definitely wrong.

Nate snatched his phone out of his pocket and held it up to your stunned face. On the screen was something horrible:

A video recording of you sneaking into the physics room, and taking a picture of the midterm answers.

How?

How could Nate have recorded you cheating? You were so careful to not get caught?

...and worse...

...w-was Nate following you? Why else would he record you?

The blood drained from your face as you watched the video play over and over on Nate's phone.

Out of instinct, you tried to snatch it away from the nerd, but he was too fast for you. He held it up in his grasp, way out of your reach.

Nate mock-frowned at you. "That's not very nice, Y/N," he teased. "Now let's think about this real quick."

You huffed and fought with all of your might to not roll your eyes (again).

"If I were to show this copy to the school board," Nate continued, his voice slow and smooth, "and yes, I said 'Copy'-- then you'd be expelled. And then what would happen to you?"

If you were expelled, it'd be the end of the world for you, no exaggeration. Your parents are super strict, and if they found out you'd cheated on a midterm, they'd blister your ass. And if they found out you'd been expelled for cheating on a midterm, then you'd might as well dig your own grave.

And Nate inferred that he had more than one copy of the video of you cheating.

No matter how much you wanted to deny it, the stupid nerd had you cornered.

Hangin your head in defeat, you tried to hide your reddening face. "You can't show that video," you whispered. "...please."

Nate snorted as he crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Oh?" he questioned, challenging you. "And what's stopping me?"

Fuck.

Your stomach was tied in knots, and the more you stared up at the smirking nerd, the more you realized that you had you cornered; both literally and figuratively.

"Well," you frowned, feeling as if you'd projectile vomit all over his cocky face, "what do you want?"

Nate's smirk grew and stretched out the confines of his face, the shadows crossing over it in an eerie manner. He leaned in closer to you, making your back press tightly against the cold locker that you were trapped against, especially when he pressed both of his arms on either side of your trembling frame.

"You," he answered flatly.

"...huh?" you asked.

Nate snorted and leaned down even closer, his nose brushing up against yours. "I want you," he said.

At first, a look of pure disgust crossed over your face. You were popular, the top fo the top! There was absolutely no way in the world that you'd be caught dead with someone as lowly as Nate!

But when his smirk transformed into a scowl, your face melted into a look of fear.

"Look, Y/N," Nate spat, "either you be mine, and only mine; or, I tell the school board that you're nothing but a filthy, lying cheater, and you get expelled."

Your heart fell the floor.

Nate continued to smile down at you. "The choice is yours, Y/N."

To be continued...? (depending on if people like Nate)

[arielleslipgloss]

i feel like i am less important than other ppl. oe that i dont matter , inferior something like that :(

Hii doll!! Tysm for asking me this 💗

Let’s Talk Self Worth!!

”I just take a book with me everywhere. It’s a habit.” - Rory Gilmore

Why do you feel this way? Well, the root cause is most likely your surroundings. Those around you, social media, and maybe yourself? Maybe others make you feel unimportant? Maybe social media is telling you others are more important? Or maybe your just always judging yourself? If not, take a moment to think of when you started to feel this way. Then, why you started to feel this way. You can journal this in a notebook or your notes app. Now, describe the wave of emotions you get when feeling this way. Let it all out, it’s ok. Lastly, think of how you can heal from this!

2. Mentality!! Let’s say you get bullied, harsh things are said to you I would believe. The people bullying or saying mean things to you, say you’re “unimportant.” Then those words go to your mind and you start to believe them. Next thing you know more negative words are said. So, your brain continues to believe them as if their affirmations. Your brain now doesn’t even have a say in what you think about yourself. Why? Well, because now you only live by your bullies words. What your bully thinks of you, is how you think of yourself. Now, do you really want to live your life like that? I would hope the answer is no. Ok, so you need to work on becoming secure in yourself. So secure in yourself that when someone says something about you. Guess what, YOU DON’T CARE. You need to start living by your words (and Jesus’s) instead. For example, you like your hair and someone else doesn’t? So what! You go rock that hair of yours cause you like it!!!

3. Stop Comparing Yourself!! Not everything you see and hear is real. Not everyone tells the truth. Plus, what’s the point in comparing yourself to someone your whole life? There is none. What there is, is your older self disappointed thinking back to you now. Not only your older self, your younger self too. They wouldn’t want to see you comparing yourself. I would hope, your present self doesn’t want to be comparing yourself too. In my opinion, comparing yourself is a waste of youth. You spend your whole day, week, month, year, life wasting youth. It’s pointless because it really doesn’t get you anywhere. It just continues to make you more insecure. Therefore, remove what you can that makes you compare yourself. A little example would be deleting social media! If you can remove it from your life, do it.

4. Stop Punishing Yourself!! In other words, stop being so hard on yourself. Just because you got a bad grade isn’t an excuse. Just because you did something “embarrassing” isn’t an excuse. In fact, there is no excuse for punishing yourself. Be nice to yourself instead. You deserve so so sooo much love from yourself. For that reason, give all of that love to yourself. Leave that mistake in the past. Learn to embrace your mistake too. It’s ok, you’ll be ok.

5. You’re Only Human!! If there is one thing I want you to remember from this blog. It’s that you are only human. You can’t be “perfect” and you can’t be happy all the time. Your feelings and struggles are important. We all deal with a bunch of things everyday. It’s in our nature to feel this way at times. Maybe you feel this way more than others, and thats ok. You are only human. Maybe you act different than others, and thats ok. You are only human. Maybe you hate your life, and thats ok. You’re only human. Maybe you can’t do things others can, and thats ok. You’re only human. Maybe you struggle with healing, and thats ok. You are only human. You are only human, imperfectly perfect. You can really only choose to love yourself and have fun. Oh, and remember that you’re only human.

Love you so much dolls!! Remember God loves you and stay pretty 💋🎀

“If you’re gonna let one stupid prick ruin your life, you’re not the girl I thought you were.” - Holland Taylor/Professor Stromwell (Legally Blonde)

Pinterest: @arielleslipgloss

[sweetderangedlady]

A nice Suprise - Part 1

This is my first published smut! And my first post on this account!

!WARNINGS! 18+ mdni.

Dazai x Fem!reader x Fyodor

Very dark themes. Graphic smut. Use of Y/N . ~ Word count: 4318 ~

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ──── ♡ ─── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ─── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ──── ♡ ─── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

Dubcon, Noncon, Somnophilia, Threesome, Safeword breach, Kidnapping, Victim blaming, Vaginal fingering, Vaginal sex, Oral sex (male receiving), Anal play, Anal sex, Sadism, Dom/sub, Violence, Spanking, Rough sex, Betrayal, Double penetration, Daddy kink, Bondage, Humiliation, Squirting, Negative self talk

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ──── ♡ ─── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ─── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ──── ♡ ─── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

Sight all black, numbness all over. No wait! Pain. Soreness in your limbs, ache in your head. Ache so acute that it feels like your skull is being drilled into.

You slowly open your eyes, careful not to worsen that terrible ache, and the first thing you see as you start to regain sight is a black tv screen. It looks like, from what you can tell, a neat hotel room display, lit up by a weak lamp that barely provides any sort of contrast from the familiar darkness of behind your eyelids. 

Still emerging from your slumber, you take a moment to visually take in the state you’re in. All of your clothes, except for your tiny black lace thong, has been removed.

Horizontally laying on a bed, a big and clean bed, black ropes are restraining your movements almost to complete immobility. Your arms are tightly bound by the wrists to the headboard and your ankles, to your tights. 

The ropes are all skillfully interconnected, wrapping everywhere on your body. They pass between and around your breasts squeezing and vulgarly highlighting them. It's an expert job that you are desperately hoping to justly recognize right now, as your start to panic.

‘DAZAI?!’

‘Yes I'm here baby. Careful not to move your eyes too much for now, I'm afraid I overdosed the meds a little. I just really had to make sure you would not awaken too soon. Didn’t want it to ruin the surprise.’

Of course that madman drugged you. You were used to your lover’s degenerate antics and wouldn’t necessarily put it past him to abduct you like this. It's the kind of game he enjoys playing, though he never went to such extreme lengths before. 

Most people would panic further at the prospect of their significant other doing something so freakish but you, however, couldn’t help but to feel comfort and even arousal at the sound of his sing-song like, yet commanding voice.

He comes to sit himself on his feet, kneeling on the bed besides where you lay, and, looking down at you, softly caress your cheek with the backside of his hand. 

‘Welcome back bella’ 

You smile back up at him.

Still in his usual ‘work’ attire that consists of black trousers and black vest on top of a white dress shirt, he’s got this wild and exited look in his eyes, naughtily grinning like a devil.

That’s the face you came to recognize anytime you were up to be sacrificed as a goat to his lustful, sadistic desires. 

He abruptly kiss your lips and immediately starts massaging both of your breast, pinching your right nipple and causing you to cry out a whimper of surprise…and pain. It hurts SO bad because of the pressure already put on them by the ropes and it’s then that you realize just how sensitive you really are, not only your chest but your entire body. He laughs and coos at your reaction in a mocking way, the trademark of his own unique torture brand.

‘Dazai what’s going on? OhH FuCK’ 

Before you even finish asking, two long fingers are pushed inside of your cunt, skillfully rubbing your walls. He promptly takes them out to tear your soaked panties out of the way, swiftly putting them in his pocket for latter, before filling your already very wet and sloppy hole again. 

Without hesitation he starts fucking you hard with his digits, keeping his eyes fixed on yours. While vigorously moving his fingers in a up-and-down motion, the brunette takes his free hand and position it on your lower belly, putting gentle pressure on it, his thumb coming down to massage your puffy clit.

‘Ive been playing with you a little while you were out.’

You feel yourself throb and clench down, an intense pool of heat forming deep inside your gut. Heat so intense you think your bladder is going to explode.

‘Wwaiit Dazii'

As you try to warn him, he looks back around his shoulder to some dark corner of the room.

‘Oh yeah she’s going to cum again!’ He says, cutting you off.

And you do exactly that. Your whole body is shaking as an insanely long and mind-bending orgasm hits you, the sounds of your arousal loudly echoing throughout the room.

‘Fuck yes. Good girl’

He massage you through your climax before retracting his hand, only to let it harshly come back down on your now extremely sensitive nub and folds. 

‘Oouww! What tHe fuckx!’

He spanks the area again, shutting you up and triggering another gush of clear liquid to squirt out of you and all over his hand, forearm and clothes.

You keep your eyes close for a moment, still trying to manage that headache that only seems to have gotten worse with the after effects of this intense orgasm. Your ears are ringing and the lack of oxygen is making your brain throb agonizingly.

Looking back up at your man, who is already sporting a prominent bulge, is when you first notice his presence. Lurking in the dark, behind your beloved, is Demon Fyodor standing. Wow great, so you really are in good hands…you think to yourself.

The raven man is menacingly looking down at your drenched, spent sex licking his lips. He’s elegantly dressed in parts of a suit that seems similar to the one Dazai normally wears and he, too, is missing the jacket, sleeves rolled up and bulge on his pants.

‘So..so he’s the surprise?’ You weakly ask, trying to catch your breath.

‘Hummm, yes. Sure. We can say that he’s your surprise. And you are his…’

Then, taking a moment to find the right word, hand caressing his chin in a dramatic display;

‘A present from me to him. For his assistance in the Mimic matter and helping save Odasaku’s life.’ Your boyfriend says looking back, smirking at the man behind him. 

‘Right?’

‘Yes precisely.’ Fyodor answers, wickedly smiling at you.

‘But of course, this whole ordeal is also going to be a delightful present for me too.…’ 

And then re-locating his gaze on you, he places his soiled fingers in his mouth to loudly suck on them while keeping eye contact, the same wild look in his eyes.

You stay silent for a minute, taking the time to adjust your mind to this uncanny situation. Dazai, seemingly peeking at your thoughts, is fast to provide reassurance and convince you to comply with his plan for the night.

‘Don't worry your pretty head about a thing Bella.’ Hand coming down to caress your thigh.

‘Just trust me. You’re my most prized pet, my precious girl, I would never do anything to really hurt you in any significant or permanent way. You know that, right?’ 

‘Now let us take care of you sweetheart…’

‘God, don’t overdo it. Its not like there’s anything I can do about any of this anyway. You’ll have your way. Just please, don’t mind pretending that you’re doing it for me.’ You say, quick to retaliate.

‘Yes you’re right. None of this is for you or your pleasure.’ He openly admits with a straight face.

‘But Dazai if you breach or fail to respect the safe word we have in place, well both of you…’ setting your gaze on Fyodor and then back to him.

‘I won’t forgive you and I’ll never talk to you again…….ever.’ You declare with a half heartedly felt sass, pouting.

Your lover snorts, tightening his grip on your leg.

’Yes very well y/n, but I suggest you drop the princess attitude and ultimatums or I'm afraid you won’t be enjoying your time with him as much, or at all in fact.’ He says calmly.

‘Fyodor is not one to be so fond of cheeky little brats like I am. He won’t be as lenient.’ 

And then, approaching his face to yours, lips almost touching, he whispers;

‘He will have much fun breaking that confidence down. But I assure you beautiful, it won’t be as fun for you though.’ Threateningly.

You nervously laugh in his mouth. Both of you are smiling for different reasons against each other. That kind of teasing is sure to make your inside throb with want again, if it wasn’t already. 

Dazai closes the gap and kiss your lips passionately. His tongue asking for entrance, that you grant, and waste no time to start swirling all around and exploring your mouth with dominance. 

You hear stiff, assertive footsteps approach until the shadowy figure, the second demon that managed to slithered his way into your life (and body soon enough), comes to seat itself at the end of the bed. 

A firm hand wraps around your left ankle, its thumb massaging easing little circles on your skin and procuring a sharp contrast with the strong, almost painful grip it has on you. Then he, demon #2, lowers himself until his mouth gets in touch with the sole of your feet, making his way up to your calf by leaving a trail of gentle kisses. 

After finally breaking the kiss, Dazai takes a switchblade out of his pocket. He starts cutting some of the ropes off to free your limbs, working efficiently with the kind of practice that can only come with many years of ominous experience. 

The only ropes remaining on your body after that wrap around your upper thighs, shaping your butt, and pass between your legs (carefully set to leave your holes exposed of course…) to attach in patterns at the torso. From there they come to circle your boobs and finally wrap around your neck too.

‘THANK YOU!’ You're fast to say.

Dazai chuckles.

‘Aw but you shouldn’t be thanking me just yet…’

While attempting to stretch your arms and legs out, you ultimately understand why he said that. You feel horrible cramps in all of your joints, and, you also understand that you must’ve been left all tied up in that same position for quite some time. Unintentional whines of pain come out as you try to stretch. That gets the two men to exchange amused glances.

‘Such a lovely little plaything’ says Fyodor, who took the liberty of massaging your calves and knees, still sitting at the edge of the bed.

‘Yes she certainly is’ adds Dazai, who him, took the liberty of massaging his hard cock through his boxers, still kneeling besides you on the bed (his pants already unbuttoned somehow).

He takes his free hand to roughly cup your cheeks and kiss you again. Letting go sooner this time, he brings his hand down to wrap around your neck, gently squeezing. He uses his hold on your throat to push you back down to lay before coming to straddle your waist, immobilizing you once more.

Your boyfriend pushes the band of his boxers down a bit to let his erect cock spring free right in your face and bump your chin as it does, coating your skin with a fair amount of precum that is already leaking from the swollen slit. Languidly stroking himself, he trails the hand that was choking you up to cup your cheeks once more and forces your jaw open with his long fingers, his eyes darkening even more.

Then, he guides his red tip to tap your bottom lip before finally settling it on your tongue, letting the weight of his length press down on it. 

‘If you do good you’ll be rewarded. Make it reeeal good yeah?’ he tells you.

The brunette takes a moment to let his salty precum drip down your throat before commanding you to suck. 

You hungrily do so, wanting nothing more than to please him. Wrapping your lips around the tip and making sure to hollow your cheeks, you start to suckle on it while thoroughly swallowing him and the creamy substance further down. He still has a tight grip on your jaw, making sure that you can’t close your mouth too much or spit his cock out. 

In that moment, it was easy not to notice the other man that came to lay on his side beside you, facing the scene on the bed. 

Your hands are unconsciously clinging to Dazai’s thighs as if trying to hold him back or prevent him from shoving himself deeper. That eventually proves unsuccessful when Fyodor takes a handful of your hair, harshly pulling on it in order to throw your head forward and keep it still. Your lover’s fingers also come to lace in your hair, intertwining with the other man’s, palm holding the side of your face and forehead. 

Then, he starts brutally thrusting in your mouth, bringing you closer by his hold in time for each push, in a to-and-fro type of motion, properly fucking your face as much as the awkward angle allows it. Your grip on his thighs tighten and you involuntarily dig your nails deeper in his flesh through the fabric of his trousers every time his thick cock hits the back of your throat, making you gag around it.

Seeing you struggle and choke on him, smudged mascara stains smeared under your eyes from the tears, only arouses Dazai some more and his moaning gets shamelessly loud. A few more thrusts of the hips and he’s coming down your throat. 

Both men pulls you further down on him (or more like up) until your nose is almost brushing his pelvis while he grinds against your face, holding you still and making sure that all of the brunette’s seed reaches your stomach.

‘humm so GOOD.’ he moans, eyes rolling to the back of his head, before pulling back. The hands leave your head to fall back down on the bed with a thud.

Immediately as Dazai move away from his place straddling you, a big hand comes back to wrap around your neck, keeping you pinned where you are. Fyodor places a quick peck kiss on your forehead and, knife in hand, ask the other man;

‘Would you mind me removing the ropes? I know you spent great time and effort on it, but it’s in the way of what I have planned.’

‘Of course not, I already came. Do as you please.’ is how your boyfriend answers him.

You can’t help but feel troubled by the way the two men talk about you as if  you're not even there. Not really addressing you like a dignified human being. But, it also makes all of this that much hotter. 

You’re no stranger to degradation and kinks, being Dazai’s girl of all people, but it still sends shivers down your back. Now that the drug is wearing off, you can’t help but feel as if you should be finding a way out of this room before it's too late. 

The feeling gets pushed away soon enough though. The cold edge of a knife, the knife, on your skin snapping you out of your mind and back into the menacing situation you find yourself into. Fyodor frees you of all the ropes, leaving your body even more bare than it was, before casually sitting himself against the headboard of the bed, parallel to you. 

Being free of all constraints for the first time since you’ve awaken, you bring yourself up to sit. The time it takes you to turn to face the raven man is all it takes Dazai to secure a collar on your neck from behind. It's the kind for dogs, girthy and that easily closes with a clip. 

‘Don’t waste time trying to detach it. This one automatically locks and can only be removed with the aid of a special key that I have in my possession. Pretty neat isn’t it?’  He says evidently thrilled by that fact.

‘w-why am I wearing this?’

‘Because it just looks so cute on you.’ he answers while fixing a very long chain leash on the metal hook hanging from it.

‘This is how I ought to keep you, in your rightful place of obedient little pet whore… What do you think, um? Are you gonna keep being a good girl for us?’

You stay silent, unable to talk back from shock. So many questions coursing through your head. Is this still just part of play? You absently look at Fyodor for answers but he’s as silent as ever too. Only his grin is signaling that he’s on board with Dazai’s depravity. 

Clinging to your out, the agreed safe word, is only but scarcely easing your worries anymore.

‘Or are we going to have to force you into submission. In which case I, we, would probably enjoy it just as much.’  you hear being whispered in ear. 

‘I’ll be good Dazai’ is all you say, being careful to leave nothing in your answer that could get turned against you. 

You’re not completely clueless as to how this game is played. And anyway, you’re not looking to get yourself in more trouble than you already are. Considering your physical disadvantage, partaking in their mind games is your best option for now. 

‘Baby. That is not how should address me right now is it….’ He rhetorically asks, bringing you closer to his face with a harsh tug of the leash.

‘Say, you do understand what I am asking from you, right?’ Adding at your silence.

‘Yes’ you start shyly, knowing exactly what it is he wants.

‘Daddy.’

It has been, this title, something both of you have enjoyed in the past, but you just felt so much disgrace at saying it out loud right now.

‘Um I didn't quite catch that Bella. Say it again, louder please.’ 

That seems to be funny to the other man, making him giggle, the sound of it stabbing your heart with shame. Never have you felt greater humiliation before.

‘Yes Daddy’ you repeat, louder this time, and Dazai’s face turns absolutely filthy with degeneracy. You’ve never seen him like this in your modest four months of dating and it scares you. You are now properly terrified.

Expecting the worst, you look up at him with doe eyes, genuine fear staring back at him, but nothing comes. 

Still holding the long leash, he goes to sit himself on the single place sofa that is facing your side of the bed, casually crossing his legs. Dazai is quiet now, his usual baseline bored/unreadable non-expression back on his face.

Before you have time to think about anything, you are being bent over Fyodor’s lap, face down in the sheets and ass up in a way that both men can see everything. The demon moves one of your knee, the right one, between his own for a better view, opening your legs up wide. 

You feel the foreign man’s long fingers rub at your folds before he uses two to spread them open in a v shape.

A taunting ‘wow’ can be heard from across the room at the lewd sight.

Still so sensitive from the earlier play, your hole is visibly clenching around nothing, pushing little droplets of arousal out to drizzle down onto the bed in the process. 

‘What a needy little cunt you have there darling… Still all red and swollen with need.’ Fyodor says while passing his left arm over your back, effectively pinning your upper body down. 

He uses that free hand to caress one of your cheek and pull your ass open, further spreading your most private areas for all to see.

‘Your hole is drooling everywhere, it's all over your thighs.’ He adds before plunging the two fingers that were keeping your lower lips spread, inside. 

You moan at the feeling of being filled.

‘I know, I know. You wish I would just fuck this pussy already. But I have something even better in mind.’

One of the same, now wet, finger trails up to lightly prod at your asshole. He rubs the area for a while before penetrating with the tip of his finger. 

Your muscles instantly clench on reflex at the unfamiliar feeling, earning you a harsh slap on the rear before that same hand comes to spread your butt cheeks back open.

‘Relax your muscles. Let me in.’ 

Then, he starts really pushing. 

Your muffled cries and pleas are being ignored by both man until all of his digit is fitted inside. 

After a couple of soft thrusts, he completely withdraws and spit on the clenching hole. You can feel him coat now two fingers in the arousal that is leaking out of your cunt before bringing them back up to push the spit inside of your anus, swiftly forcing both fingers inside at once. 

It hurts and you scream in pain. But, it also somewhat feels good in a weird kind of way, making your clit twitch with want.

‘That’s it just take it. Take it like the good little slut that I know you are.’ 

His fingers scissor you open, rubbing at your insides for what feels like many minutes. Then, he’s already throwing you off him. 

He places you to lay on your stomach with your hips lifted off the bed and your legs spread yet again, facing Dazai this time. He bends your body into position like it's the easiest thing in the world. 

A cap pops and the threatening man behind you coats the middle crease of your ass with a cold wetness. Letting a large amount dribble down from your tailbone to both of your holes.

You look into Dazai’s eyes, silently pleading him as you hear the sound of a zip fastening, but a cruel smirk is all you get from him.

A pathetic little ‘Please’ instinctively comes out of your mouth when you feel a thick cock massage at your upper hole, the puckered one, the one that hurts.

‘Stop it’s not gonna fit! I’m not ready!’

‘Frankly, I couldn’t care less wether you’re ready. Or wether you even want this or not.’ Fyodor grunts while burying his tip inside with a strong push.

‘Daddy!’ You scream, looking back up at your boyfriend, betrayed.

‘It hurts! h..he…he’s too big.’ It feels like you are going to faint.

The man before you has his phone out now, making sure to capture your pained expression.

‘Shut up y/n. Take him, take all of him.’

‘No…Red!’

That’s the safeword. Unoriginal you concede, but simple and unmistakable.  All that gets you though is the raven’s cock shoved deeper, bottoming.

‘Dazai! RED’ 

Before you have time to notice any movement, Dazai is already in front of you with his phone still pointing at your face from above. 

Slap! Is the noise his hand makes when it connects with your right cheek. You hear it before feeling it. It burns. At this point, you’re definitely seeing stars, either from the smack to the face or from the massive cock filling your guts. Both, you think.

‘What did I just tell you not even 20 minutes ago? Huh. That - is - not - how - you - should - address - me right now. Are you fucked dumb already of what?’

This is it, you’re gonna die. And you’re gonna die one of the most pathetic death in the history of mankind. A slow, painful, death of the soul. A death of your personhood, of yourself as an individual. 

You probably are being punished for being so fucking stupid, so naive. This is far from the glorious ending of the lover’s suicide you’ve been promised at the beginning of your relationship.

These man are going to tear your mind and body apart until there’s nothing holding together anymore, and not a thing can stop them. Not the police, no love, and certainly not any amount of begging. No amount of tears would be enough to elicit mercy from them either. It would most likely have the opposite effect. 

What a terrible mistake it all have been. Getting involve with the likes of him.

You’re utterly fucked, literally.

But that’s what you get for being dumb enough to get in a whole ass relationship of any kind with the Demon Prodigy. For trusting him. For believing he can feel affection of any kind. For believing he could feel empathy or care for you or anyone else.

Wait. But you didn’t really believe that did you? No.

Deep down, below the made up story you’ve unsuccessfully deluded yourself with (now being ultimate proof of your failure, ultimate proof of your awareness through it all), you never did. 

Why? Because it makes your pussy wet. Not being loved or cared for like a proper human deserves to be. 

Ending up being a ‘pet whore’ for this man, a part of you always knew was gonna be the final deal. You were just too ashamed to outright admit it to yourself before you were forced to. Too much of a coward.

And maybe that’s why you have these dark desires to begin with. Cowardice. Being forced is a way to act out and/or feel out without having to compromise yourself. Without having the responsibility associated with these actions. Without having to own up to those feelings. The consequences not for you handle. The shame not to be placed on you, neither by yourself or others.

If you’re being honest with yourself that’s what you’ve been after from the beginning. 

The manner of execution you wish was different though. This situation you’re in now you wish you weren’t. 

But there’s no backing down now, even if it’s nothing like in your fantasies. You physically can’t. And this is kind of the whole point, it’s not up to you, your choice is being taken away.

So again, in more honesty, that’s what you get for getting turned on by cruel, psychopathic criminals. 

For being a weak, stupid, masochistic little bitch, that’s what you get.

He’s right really, just shut up and take it. You had it coming. 

⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ──── ♡ ─── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ─── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ──── ♡ ─── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅

Ps : mind that english is not my mother's tongue!

[manias-wordcount]

Hi, can I request a love triangle between Rin and Yukio, with a female reader.

I hope you have a nice day.

Dress to Embarrass (Yukio Okumura x Reader x Rin Okumura)

𝗔/𝗡: 𝗜 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗯𝗶𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘀𝗲 𝘁𝘄𝗼 𝗿𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝘁𝗼𝗴𝗲𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿 𝘀𝗼 𝗶 𝗵𝗼𝗽𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗯𝗼𝘁𝗵 𝗲𝗻𝗷𝗼𝘆!

𝙒𝙖𝙣���� 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚? ⇒ 𝙈𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩

𝙟𝙤𝙞𝙣 𝙢𝙮 𝙙𝙞𝙨𝙘𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙫𝙚𝙧?

𝙗𝙪𝙮 𝙢𝙚 𝙖 𝙘𝙤𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙚?

You’ve always had a hard time adjusting to this job. 

The very prospect of it was embarrassing. The uniform- which you always found to be very cute- had long since become a nuisance to put on, given all the negative attention it garnered. The voices and the script you had to stick to- they were just too shameless at times. Even after you learned how to keep yourself from grimacing every time you had to say “Master~”, it still didn’t prevent you from cringing internally, wondering if this is really the best-paying job in the area that doesn’t require any prior experience. And worst of all, there was the chance of someone seeing you here. 

Someone who you would recognize. Someone who would recognize you.

You know that many of your friends wouldn’t be interested in this type of thing. You even know a few people who are deeply frustrated with the concept of Maid Cafes because of all the horror stories floating around about how the girls are usually treated. But you’re mostly worried about the few who were shameless enough to admit that they’ve been wanting to go to Maid Cafe for a while. You were mostly worried that they would finally work up the courage and would somehow end up at your store, on a day that you were working, during one of your shifts, with you as their server. Because with the amount of luck you’ve had in life, you knew it was all too possible. You knew it was all too likely to happen. In fact, in your mind, it was always a matter of when and who, rather than just what if. But honestly?

If you knew these two were going to be the ones to catch you right in the act…

“I- I- I….uh…”

…you would have never even touched the job application.

At the current moment, you’re struggling to find your words as your eyes dart back and forth between the two brothers who were sitting in your section. In the back of your mind, you can sense some part of you- the one who desperately needs the full paycheck this month and not a dollar less- screaming at yourself to get back on track and at least say your opening line. But the second you walked up and realized that the two cute boys you were sort of hoping would be sitting in your section were the Okumura twins, your brain began to short-circuit. Judging by the way Rin had yet to stop staring at you or close his mouth, it looked like his brain had likely short-circuited too. Just your luck.

“I...uh…” You open your mouth and try speaking again. But your words still refuse to come out as your eye two brothers sit in front of you. On one side of the table, there’s Yukio- one of your teachers. He’s dressed in his exorcist overcoat with his glasses pushed all the way up the bridge of his nose. From where he’s currently sitting, you can’t see much of his expression other than the straight line his lips have been set in and light pink blush dusting his cheeks. It doesn’t help that his glasses have managed to catch the glare from this angle, making it impossible to read the look in his eyes. 

Though if you were him, seeing a girl you currently teach do something as embarrassing as dress up in a costume and call other people “Master~” and “Madam~” for cash would have you feeling all sorts of conflicted feelings. 

That said, you suppose he’s currently in the same boat as you are right now. Because it’s one thing for you to be working here- you at least have the excuse of pay being really good. But it’s an entirely different thing for him to be caught here, seemingly willingly going to a Maid Cafe and sitting down for a meal. The straight-edge, tight-laced Yukio you know and love would have never been caught here.  

Though you can’t say the complete same about his brother…

On the other side of the table, sits Rin- your friend and classmate and Yukio’s equally good-looking older brother- with a menu gripped tight in his hands. You notice right away that he’s also still in his school uniform, likely having just come from cram school lessons with Yukio. However as always, his tie is loosened and his uniform seems sloppily put together in a way that presents to people an attitude of not simply not caring about appearance, authority, and blending in with society. Though, you know him well enough to know that he’s probably the biggest softie and sweetheart you’ll ever meet. Meaning that you always found it unlikely to see him in one of these places, but not impossible. But at least you know you can count on him to be one of your more endearing guests, rather than worst behaved. Hopefully, anyways

Either way, that’s why you’re slow to snap at him for staring at you for so long. You know what feels like to be ogled at. You also know what it’s like to walk up to a customer who you know that you’ll have to have thrown out of the establishment before they’ve reached the end of their ninety minutes. 

But for some reason, you have a funny feeling that his wide-eyed, open-mouth stare has a lot more to do with the fact that he’s suddenly seeing you here at the job you were so tight-lipped about and less to do with how flattering this dress is around your chest. Call it a hunch, but his eyes being trained on your face and not anywhere lower gives you a lot of coincidence in the boy. Well, that, and you swear you can hear his tail starting to thwump repeatedly against his back like a little overexcited puppy, happy to see his friends. If you weren’t stuck in this painfully embarrassing situation you would have been over the moon at the cute display coming from the guy with usually the toughest exterior. 

But you are. You’re stuck here. 

“...so this is why you’ve had to switch to the remedial lessons…”

In your own, personal, maid-cafe-themed hell.

The question that Yukio suddenly voices after you stammer off into the awkward silence (that the three of you were basking in for far too long of a time) is the very thing that manages to break you out of your stupor after what feels like hours of stuttering in front of them. You’re thankful for the question because, without him, you could only imagine how long it would take for you and Rin to get ahold of yourselves. However, it doesn’t exactly mean that you’re happy to see him. You’re not exactly happy to see his brother either. At least not at the moment.

“Oh, um…yeah,” You answer lamely. At this point, you don’t see any purpose in trying to recover and play up your assigned maid persona. “...my shift is usually right after school so I can’t be in class with all the others. Yeah…”

You trail off quietly, facing starting burning with embarrassment. Luckily, Yukio seems to accept your answer quite easily and makes no moves to push you into any more questions. Though, you suppose it helps that he’s currently seeing in front of his table with a notepad and a maid dress that’s a little on the shorter side. 

“I see…” The younger of the two brothers answers, his eyes still hidden by the glasses' glare. You still find it impossible to read exactly what he’s thinking at the moment, but you’ve found that his blush has only seemed to have darkened over time. A clear indicator of…something. Embarrassment? Shame? Attraction? You don’t want to know and you honestly don’t even want to think about it. All you know now is that even the very tips of his ears are red, despite his mostly passive expression. Instinctively, you find yourself shifting nervously in front of them, opting to tug down the skirt of your dress in a last-ditch effort to save some of what little dignity you have left. Though the action was futile. It was meaningless.

Because that sudden movement managed to knock Rin out of his own stupor. And just like that, you had another mess on your hands. 

“Since when did you-?” Instantly, Rin’s voice raises to a high-pitched shout as he points to you- a bright red blush covering his own cheeks. Honestly, you know you should have expected this type of over-the-top reaction from him. But could you blame a girl for being caught off guard?   “And you just-?! And that dress-!”

Before Rin is able to finish what you could only imagine to be a rather tactless comment, his brother reaches over the table and grabs at his collar. A hissed call of the older’s name and an order for him to knock it off is likely very thinly with a threat that Yukio hardly even needs to include. But Rin is still busy gaping at you, blushing hard and pointing even harder as he struggles to voice his thoughts coherently. 

At this point, you’re really starting to feel the pressure of being caught in a rock. And there’s little more to do than sigh and think about what you’re going to have to say on the inevitable incident report you’ll have to fill out based on all the ruckus going on between the two brothers (who had gone from beating around the bush about your maid dress to outright insulting each other and claiming entitlement to be the first to do…something you can’t even be bothered to listen to right now, honestly). 

Sure, you’ve always had a hard time adjusting to this job. You were constantly put in embarrassing positions and made to say and do embarrassing things while dealing with some form of harassment from a guest on nearly every shift. But you knew about this when you walked in and filled out the paperwork. Just like how you ultimately knew that eventually, someone you knew was going to find out what your job was. But, as much as you love them…

“It’s not like you can even do anything! You’re her teacher!”

“And you’re on death row! Who would want that?!”

…did it have to be the Okumura Brothers?

[storiesforallfandoms]

santa's sister in law ~ bernard the elf;the santa clause

word count: 4292

request?: no

description: in which he is adamantly against the in laws coming to the north pole, until he meets santa's sister in law

pairing: bernard the elf x female!human!reader

warnings: christmas fluff, sylvia sucking a little bit but that's just canon

masterlist (one, two, three)

Merry Christmas everyone! 🎄

a special christmas gift for @omeletdreamer 😌

Bernard was firmly against Carol's family coming to the North Pole. He liked Carol, don't get him wrong. She was a fantastic Mrs. Claus, and he loved her idea to start an elf school at the Pole. He understood that it was hard to adjust to life at the Pole, especially while she was pregnant. But bringing outsiders there was a big no-no. They were already pushing things by letting Laura, Neil, and Lucy in on the secret of Santa.

But all of his protests fell on deaf ears. Santa wanted Carol to have her family while he was going to be busy, and the other elves just wanted Carol to be happy. It was a thousand against one. So, Santa got into his sleigh and flew to get Carol's parents while the elves fixed up the Pole to look like Canada.

"This is never going to work," Bernard said to Curtis. "There's no way they're going to think this is Canada. Even if they believe these ridiculous store signs, they'll never believe Canada is inhabited by a bunch of children."

"Can you not be so negative for once?" Curtis asked. "It'll be fine."

"We are seriously pushing it with how many people know about the Pole and Santa. You can't blame me for being stressed out over it."

"Everything will be fine, Bernard. We have a plan. We got this."

Bernard huffed a sigh and walked away. He was tired of being brushed off like this. He didn't become head elf for nothing. He knew what he was doing. If only someone would just listen to him.

As he was walking away, he heard something in the distance. He looked up to see Santa's sleigh breaching through the entrance to the Pole. He couldn't see them yet, but he imagined Carol's parents in there, asleep from Sandman's magic, expecting to wake up in "Canada". He cringed to himself. There's really no going back now.

"I need a hot cocoa," he muttered to himself.

The kitchen elves were busy baking away when Bernard walked in. Carol had told them her mom's favorite cookies so they were hard at work making a batch to welcome Mrs. Newman. They were wearing comically large chef's hats pulled down to cover their pointy ears, which made Bernard glad his hair was long enough to do that naturally.

"Hi Bernard," Abby said, giving him a bright smile upon noticing him. "Want a hot cocoa?"

"I'd love one, Abby," he responded, sitting down at one of the tables.

She rushed off to make it for him. He picked up a cookie from a plate in the middle of the table to eat while waiting. Abby returned with his hot cocoa. He blew on it, disturbing the steady steam coming from the drink. He hoped that escaping to the kitchen would give him some time to prepare for Carol's parents.

He was taking his first sip of his hot cocoa when the kitchen doors opened again and in walked Santa, Mrs. Claus and her family in tow. Bernard nearly choked on his drink.

"And here's our kitchen," Santa was saying. "Oh, and Bernard's here too! Bernard is my, uh, he's my...assistant."

Bernard tried not to roll his eyes at the title.

He reluctantly stood and plastered a smile on his face. "Hi, nice to meet you...eh."

Carol's dad shook his hand while her mom pulled him in for an embrace. Bernard wasn't prepared for a third person to approach; a young woman with a smile so beautiful it left him speechless.

"This is my sister," Carol said. "We didn't know she was coming too."

"I'm (Y/N)," the woman said. "Mom and dad mentioned they were coming for a visit, so I asked Scott if it was alright for me to tag along."

"Of course it would be alright!" Sylvia cut in. "Scott's already had Carol from us for so long, he'd never say no to bringing Carol's loving sister with us to finally see her again."

Sylvia had a smile on her face but there was venom in her words. (Y/N) cringed and tried to ignore her mother's comment. "It's really lovely here so far. I'm glad I could come."

Bernard was still tongue tied. He kept opening and closing his mouth like an idiot trying to figure out something to say. (Y/N) was watching him, waiting, while Scott and Carol shared an amused look.

"Let's show you the rest of the place," Carol said, putting an arm around her sister. "We'll meet up with Bernard again later."

(Y/N) smiled and waved goodbye as the group left the kitchen. Once they were gone, Bernard felt like he was freed from a spell. He let out a long breath and slumped back down to the table. His hot cocoa had cooled down enough that he finished the rst of it in two gulps.

~~~~~~

Bernard was up late that night doing his rounds of the workshop. All the other elves had left for the night, but Bernard was often the last one up making sure everything was shut down and nothing was left out of place. With the in laws visiting, he was also making sure the workshop was locked up so no one would accidentally wander in and discover everything.

He was preparing to leave when he noticed the door to the kitchen was slightly ajar. He was sure all the baker elves had left for the night, but maybe someone had stayed behind. He poked his head into the room and almost gasped aloud when he saw it was (Y/N) who was leaning against the counter, a mug of hot cocoa in her hands. She was in her pajamas, clearly preparing for bed. Bernard was about to back away and leave her be, until she looked up form her mug and caught him. She smiled and waved to him.

"Good evening, Bernard," she said.

There was no escaping now. He stepped into the kitchen and cleared his throat, trying not to seem as weird as he had earlier. He discretely made sure his ears were tucked away under his hair.

"Hi," he said. Simple, easy. You can't mess up a "hi".

"What are you doing up so late?" she asked.

"I could ask you the same thing."

She giggled. "Touché. I was having trouble sleeping so I decided to come out for a hot cocoa. That nice baker, Abby I think? She offered to make me one before she left. I was told she makes the best hot cocoa in all of the town."

"Oh, she does. She's the one you go to when you want a good hot drink made."

"She works magic, I'm sure."

Bernard tried not to let his smile falter. "You have no idea."

A silence fell over them. (Y/N) softy blew on her hot cocoa before taking a sip from it. A small trail of foam stuck to her upper lip as she pulled her mug away. Bernard couldn't stop himself from chuckling.

"What?" she asked.

"You just...you have something..." He gestured to his top lip.

She ran a thumb along her top lip, only smearing the foam more.

"Here, let me." Bernard reached up and wiped the foam off with his own thumb. He was suddenly very aware of their closeness when he looked into her eyes. Any words he could ever say were stuck in his throat yet again and he could only imagine how insane he looked, staring at her with wide eyes.

"Thank you," she said. "And thank you for having us here, too. I know it's a busy time of year for you guys. We don't mean to impose."

It took Bernard a moment to remember the story they had been telling Carol's parents: that Scott was a toy maker in Canada and that's why he would be so busy this time of year and needed someone to be there with Carol while she was pregnant.

"It's not imposition," Bernard assured her. "If anything, I think it's going to make Sa - Scott feel better to have you guys here for Carol while he's working."

(Y/N) nodded. "It's very nice of him to have us here considering how my parents tend to treat him."

Bernard thought back to the comment Sylvia had made earlier. The strained relationship between Scott and his in-laws wasn't anything new to him. Scott had mentioned it a few times before, most recently when he was voicing his concerns about bringing Bud and Sylvia to the Pole with Bernard in private. It was evident that both Newman sisters also noticed how their parents treated Scott, and it seemed neither of them were too happy with it.

"I understand why mom and dad get upset," (Y/N) continued. "One minute Carol was a proud principal at the local middle school, and then the next thing we know she's writing us to tell us she got married to a guy we've never even heard of and moved off to Canada to be with him. I mean, even I was skeptical then. But when she'd write to me about Scott and about being here, it was clear that she was so happy and she found the man of her dreams. Who are we to judge the quickness that they got married? As long as she's safe and happy, which she clearly is. But mom and dad don't see it that way. Dad is still convinced that Scott is a cult leader who stole Carol away or something."

(Y/N) paused and looked at Bernard. He had been listening as she spoke, just nodding along and not saying a word. She chuckled a little and shook her head. "Sorry, I'm rambling on about my family drama."

"No! It's-it's fine. Trust me, I've heard similar stuff from Sa - Scott."

She gave him a look. "You keep stuttering on Scott's name."

"Yeah."

He couldn't think of a better explanation besides that. He felt an unfamiliar burning sensation in his cheeks. He wasn't sure if it was embarrassment or just from being so close to her that made him feel that way. She giggled, though; a sound more beautiful than any of the twinkling bells that were often heard around the Pole.

"I'm just glad to be here," she said. "And I'm glad mom and dad can be here for when the baby is born. Maybe that will help them be a little less harsh on Scott."

She finished what was left in her mug and looked around the oversized kitchen. When Bernard realized she was probably trying to figure out where to put the dirty mug, he said, "Oh, I can take care of that for you."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course. You're our guest, and I can handle this."

She smiled and passed him the mug. "Well, thanks for talking to me, Bernard. I guess I should try to sleep again."

"Goodnight, (Y/N)."

"Goodnight, Bernard." She started towards the door, but then paused to turn back to him. "I hope you're not too busy tomorrow. I'd like to spend more time with you."

His face was on fire as she left.

~~~~~~

For the first time in his thousands of years as the head elf, Bernard wasn't concerned with his head elf duties. Of course he was still there if Santa needed him, but he decided not to spend the entire day in the factory and to seek out (Y/N) to spend time with her. She was delighted to see him and was more than happy to accept his offer to show her around "Canada" for the day.

This became a regular occurrence for a few days. Bernard would make sure to check in often to see if he was needed, but if he wasn't he was with (Y/N). He would feel bad about taking her away from her time with her family, but it seemed her parents were more concerned with fussing over Carol than they were about all four of them spending time together. And (Y/N) also assured Bernard that she was making time for Carol and her family as well as spending time with him.

Bernard was more than well aware he was falling in love with (Y/N), and he was also more than well aware of how bad that was. Elves falling in love was nothing new; he had officiated quite a few elf weddings in his time. But falling in love with a human was out of the question. Elves were immortal, humans were not. Scott and Carol were different - upon becoming Santa and Mrs. Claus, their aging processes had slowed down considerably. They weren't completely immortal, but they weren't aging as fast as normal humans did. But that wasn't possible for a human that an elf fell in love with. Even if (Y/N) felt the same way towards Bernard, she would still continue to age while he would stay the same for the rest of time.

But he couldn't stop himself. He was falling fast and hard. Carol's due date was creeping closer, and once it came it would only be a matter of time before the Newman family would have to go back home, meaning that (Y/N) would leave and likely would not come back. That thought hurt Bernard.

Bernard was approaching where (Y/N) was staying one day when she slipped out of the house instead. He was surprised; she had never left before he had gotten there before.

As he got closer he realized that her face was tearstained.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

(Y/N) jumped and turned to look at him. "Oh, Bernard. Sorry, I didn't see you coming. Nothing's wrong."

He was about to point out that she was very obviously upset over something when the door opened again and Sylvia slipped out. She looked like she was about to say something, but she noticed Bernard and gave him a tight smile, one that he had come to learn was very much her fake smile.

"Hello, Bernard," she said. "I was just having a conversation with my daughter. We were talking about spending the day with Carol. We haven't had an all girls day since we arrived. So, unfortunately, I don't think she'll be able to spend time with you today."

"No mom," (Y/N) said. "I said I would join you later for girls time. Besides, you know Carol has an appointment with the doctor. She won't be ready till later."

Her mother was smiling but her eyes were glaring daggers into the younger Newman girl. (Y/N) held the glare before turning to Bernard and taking hold of his arm. She didn't say anything as she dragged him away. He followed anyways, wanting to get as far away from Sylvia as he could.

"God, I don't understand what is wrong with her," (Y/N) said, letting go of Bernard long enough to wipe the tears from her eyes. "I swear she just doesn't want Carol and I to be happy."

"What was she saying?" Bernard asked.

"Oh, she was going off about the fact that I spend so much time with you. Had her usual rant about Scott taking her precious daughter away from her and dad, and then said she'll be damned if she lets it happen with me too. Basically tried to guilt me into not spending time with you today by saying that Carol was upset that she didn't get to see me much, which I know isn't true because just the other day Carol was saying how happy she was that you and I were getting along."

She shook her head. "I'm so sick of it. It's like she can't wrap her head around the fact that maybe, just maybe, life is so busy here that Carol doesn't always have time to visit. It has nothing to do with Scott being manipulative or a cult leader or whatever conspiracy her and dad have cooked up on a certain day."

Bernard listened in silence. He felt bad that (Y/N) had to have these issues with her mother. Carol was hearing it all now, but he was sure (Y/N) heard much more of it when she was back home with her parents.

None of the Newmans could ever understand the way things were with Carol and Scott. They could never know why things were like this, but they likely wouldn't understand even if they knew.

Unless...

It was an idea that shocked even Bernard that he had it. Head elf of the North Pole, Santa's righthand man himself, considering such a thing? After being so against Carol's family coming to the Pole? It was preposterous. But his brain was so clouded by love for (Y/N) that he wasn't thinking proper.

"Come with me," he said. He didn't wait for an answer, just took hold of her hand and pulled her towards the workshop.

His heart was pounding so hard he could feel it in hips pointed ears. He had to remind himself there was no going back. This was going to be huge, and it could likely get him into a world of trouble.

He opened the doors to the workshop and (Y/N) stepped in. She looked around in awe at the working elves, most of which were not hiding their ears as the workshop was supposed to be off limits to the Newmans. None of them seemed to notice the two of them enter, and if they did, nothing was said.

Bernard watched (Y/N), nervously waiting for her reaction.

"Is this...what I think it is?" she asked him. "No, it can't be. I must be dreaming. I fell and hit my head and now I'm in a coma having a very vivid dream that all of these small people who are supposed to be Canadians have pointed ears like they're elves."

When she looked over at him, Bernard had taken off his hat and allowed his ears to peak out from under his hair.

"I've lost it," she decided.

"You haven't," he assured her. "All of this is real. It's why Carol hasn't been able to visit as much, or why you couldn't visit until now. Look, there's so much to know about all of this. So much that I want to tell you but technically I can't because there are strict rules about humans knowing about the North Pole."

(Y/N) had another quick moment of shock that she was able to very quickly recover from. "Rules that you're currently breaking by showing me...Santa's workshop. By admitting that you're an elf, these are all elves...oh my God, my sister is Mrs. Claus."

"It is all very complicated," he said. "But you deserve to know that Carol is truly happy here. She's not being held against her will, Santa isn't manipulative or holding her captive. He loves her so much that he risked you and your parents finding out about him - about us - so that all of you could be here for her while she's pregnant."

(Y/N) still seemed to be stunned. She looked around the bustling factory again, her eyes wide with wonder.

"Wait," she said. "But...if you all went through so much to make us think this was Canada, to keep who Scott is a secret...then why are you telling me now?"

Because I love you. Because I want you to stay. Because I want to be with you more than anything, even though I know that will never happen.

"Because I want you to know the truth," he replied. "About all of this. About...about me."

She was looking at him. He didn't know what else to say, so he just looked back. He waited for an answer. He willed her to say something, anything.

She didn't say anything, though. Instead, she leaned forward and kissed Bernard. It was quick, almost hesitant, and when she pulled away she looked embarrassed.

"Sorry," she said. "I...should I have done that? I should've asked first. Was it okay that I did that?"

He smiled. "It was more than okay."

"Okay. I'm...I'm going to do it again, if that's still okay."

Bernard chuckled and moved in to kiss (Y/N) first. He had only ever kissed one person before - when he was young one of the other elves had gave him a quick peck on the lips and ran away afterwards. Not exactly something glamorous or anything like that. So he was a little worried about whether or not he was a good kisser. Although, something felt so natural about kissing (Y/N), like he could never do it wrong even if he tried.

He paused when he realized a slight hush had fallen over the workshop. He and (Y/N) pulled away to see that all the working elves had stopped what they were doing to look at the two of them.

"Back to work!" Bernard commanded. They all quickly fell back into what they had been doing before. "Bunch of gossips, all of them. Everyone in town will know about this by nightfall."

"I don't blame them. I'd assume it's not every day that they see an elf kissing a human."

He chuckled. "No, I guess not."

They decided to step out of the workshop to talk more in private. (Y/N) looped her arm through Bernard's as they walked, a gesture that suddenly felt much more intimate than it had before.

"I guess it goes without saying that I can't tell anyone about this," she said. "Not even my parents."

"No. Which I know is a big ask, but we can't have the secret of Santa going around," Bernard explained.

"Not like anyone would believe me. They'd think I was crazy if I went home talking about how my brother in law is Santa and how I started crushing on one of his elves. They'd sent me to an institute for sure."

Bernard smiled at her word choice. So she had liked him this whole time, too. Had it been obvious? Or had she been trying to contain it just as much as he did?

"How...would things work...for us then?" she asked.

It was the question he was dreading. The one he continued to ask himself despite knowing the answer to: it wouldn't. He couldn't let (Y/N) hold on to him when she left the Pole. She'd likely never see him again, which was for the best.

Seeing the look on his face, (Y/N) stopped. "No, do not tell me it's not going to work."

"It can't work, (Y/N). There's too much complications between a human and an elf being romantically linked. It's never happened before, and for good reason."

"There's a first for everything."

He shook his head. "No, there can't be a first for this. I can't let you throw away any other romantic opportunities you have for me. We may never see each other after this visit."

"My sister is married to Santa. There's no way I'm not coming back after this. And besides, long distance relationships are a thing."

"This one would be...very long distance."

She slid her arm from his and took his hand in hers. "I'm willing to try. I like you too much to give up without a fight."

Every rational part of his brain was screaming for him to stop. He could not let things go further. It was better for her if they ended everything after that first kiss and went hteir separate ways.

But the less rational part of his brain was louder than the rest, telling him not to give up this chance at happiness outside of work. He deserved to love and to be loved, just like anyone else in the world. If it worked for Scott, it had to work for him too, right?

He sighed and squeezed her hands. "It won't be easy."

"I don't expect it to be."

"You won't be able to be here a lot unless you're willing to give up everything the way Carol did."

"That's fine, we can make that work."

"And if you do end up coming here permanently, you can't tell anyone who I really am, or who Scott and Carol really are. You'll have to lie to everyone in your life. Is that something you can be okay with?"

(Y/N) stepped closer to him so that their noses were nearly touching. "I'm already lying about Scott and Carol. What's one more lie about the man I love?"

Love.

It was enough for him to abandon all hope at resisting her. He closed the space between them, kissing her again so passionately that it made her head spin. She wrapped her arms around his neck to steady herself, while he wrapped his arms around her waist.

He could've kissed her forever. He could've stood there, wrapped around her and her wrapped around him, the cold nipping at them but barely bothering them, forever. He wanted to take this moment and freeze it, to never have to go back to his busy life as Santa's right hand elf ever again.

But she pulled away first, resting her forehead against his.

"I did promise my mom a girl's day," she said with a sigh. "And I think if I blow her off for this, she'll probably actually kill me."

"I guess I'll have to let you go then."

But he didn't, and she didn't let go of him. They laughed and kissed again.

It would be another several minutes before he would finally (and reluctantly) let her go.

[windvexer]

Hey chicken,

You previously said that you believe even doing simple things in spellwork, like leaving something in a dish of salt, need to be worked over. How would you work over simple things like that? Burning a candle? Just infusing it with some energy?

Even more simple than infusing it with energy, maybe.

This isn't like, set in stone. But I generally believe that the first step of all Witchcraft is permission.

As in, you speak from a place of authority as a Witch, and give permission that reality may become abnormal.

Witchcraft is abnormal, in my opinion. I think it's perfectly nice that people build paradigms based on the idea that magic is altogether completely natural and there is no difference between the magic and normal, but I like the sinister stuff.

So IMO the first, most basic, essential "working over" is to take something (the dish of salt) and, give it permission to become abnormal and begin to effect reality abnormally.

This is the hinge upon which Witchcraft pivots: the Witch going in and taking normal things, and realigning the tracks of fate beneath them, compelling things to start happening which never would have happened if not for that specific intervention.

A dish of salt does not normally just make a space clear of emotions. If it did so, that would not be normal. It would be abnormal. Paranormal, even.

So how do you get salt to stop being normal, and start being a paranormal substance that does abnormal things?

Charging with energy is a later step. You charge with energy to fulfill an intent already set.

The first step is to give reality - the reality of the salt, of the emotions in the room - permission to be a fucked up little guy. It's easy as pie. And it mostly comes down to magical headspace: you seeing reality as something quite permeable, and easy to change, and almost illusory, springing from the web of fate that underpins it; but you can change that fate. Reality likes us. It mimics us to show that it wants to be friends. Put yourself in a state where the world is mutable, and around you the world complies.

So step one is magical headspace.

Step two is telling the salt what to do. "Listen here, you fucked up glorious little guy. Before you were dead, only crystals harvested and mined, sold on a grocery shelf where you've been reduced to nothing but flavor. They chew on your bones and forget to worship your soul. But here, in my house, you are a god. Rise from your grave in this new form, to this new purpose: purify from this room the unwanted, the harmful, and the malignant. By my word and my will, this new fate has been granted to you."

No energy work. No visualization. Just tell it like it is.

Or you could be more corporate about it. "This salt purifies negative energy from the room." It's just setting intent, if you want to be crude.

It's hard for me to do corporate magic. With all apologies to the people who do prefer the very simplified present-tense intentions.

Reality mimics us. If something is stirring inside of you, then something is stirring inside of the salt. No visualizing energy roots required.

A simple sentence may not be enough, or a paragraph. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right words. Maybe the salt isn't really a god. Maybe it's a gnome, a saltwork machine, the dead crest of a long-forgotten ocean wave that preserved a billion amoeba in crystalline purity, ready now to purify your room.

Over time, intuition and experience will both grow and combine to advise exactly what to say.

After all, you're telling it like it is - not making it up.

Go to the place where magic is real and you're doing it.

Assign new fates through words.

These are the simplest steps to working over something.

[wirewitchviolet]

How a Computer Works - Part 1 (Components)

I am about to teach you on a real fundamental, connecting up electronic components level, how a computer actually works. Before I get into the meat of this though (you can just skip down below the fold if you don't care), here's the reasons I'm sitting doing so in this format:

Like a decade or two ago, companies Facebook pushed this whole "pivot to video" idea on the whole internet with some completely faked data, convincing everyone that everything had to be a video, and we need to start pushing back against that. Especially for stuff like complex explanations of things or instructions, it's much more efficient to just explain things clearly in text, maybe with some visual aids, so people can easily search, scan, and skip around between sections. It's also a hell of a lot easier to host things long term, and you can even print out a text based explainer and not need a computer to read it, keep it on a desk, highlight it, etc.

People are so clueless about how computers actually work that they start really thinking like it's all magical. Even programmers. Aside from how proper knowledge lets you get more out of them, this leads to people spouting off total nonsense about "teaching sand to think" or "everything is just 1s and 0s" or "this 'AI' a con artist who was trying to sell me NFTs a month ago probably really is an amazing creative thinking machine that can do everything he says!"

We used to have this cultural value going where it was expected that if you owned something and used it day to day, you'd have enough basic knowledge of how it worked that if it stopped working you could open it up, see what was wrong, and maybe fix it on your own, or maybe even put one together again from scratch, and that's obviously worth bringing back.

I'm personally working on a totally bonkers DIY project and I'd like to hype up like-minded people for when it gets farther along.

So all that said, have a standard reminder that I am completely reliant on Patreon donations to survive, keep updating this blog, and ideally start getting some PCBs and chips and a nice oscilloscope to get that mystery project off the ground.

Electricity probably doesn't work like how you were taught (and my explanation shouldn't be trusted too far either).

I remember, growing up, hearing all sorts of things about electricity having this sort of magical ability to always find the shortest possible path to where it needs to get, flowing like water, and a bunch of other things that are kind of useful for explaining how a Faraday cage or a lightning rod works, and not conflicting with how simple electronics will have a battery and then a single line of wire going through like a switch and a light bulb or whatever back to the other end of the battery.

If you had this idea drilled into your head hard enough, you might end up thinking that if we have a wire hooked to the negative end of a battery stretching off to the east, and another wire stretching off to the east from the positive end, and we bridge between the two in several places with an LED or something soldered to both ends, only the westernmost one is going to light up, because hey, the shortest path is the one that turns off as quickly as possible to connect to the other side, right? Well turns out no, all three are going to light up, because that "shortest path" thing is a total misunderstanding.

Here's how it actually works, roughly. If you took basic high school chemistry, you learned about how the periodic table is set up, right? A given atom, normally, has whatever number of protons in the core, and the same number of electrons, whipping all over around it, being attracted to those protons but repelled by each other, and there's particular counts of electrons which are super chill with that arrangement so we put those elements in the same column as each other, and then as you count up from those, you get the elements between those either have some electrons that don't fit all tight packed in the tight orbit and just kinda hang out all wide and lonely and "want to" buddy up with another atom that has more room, up to the half full column that can kinda go either way, then as we approach the next happy number they "want to" have a little more company to get right to that cozy tight packed number, and when you have "extra" electrons and "missing" electrons other atoms kinda cozy up and share so they hit those good noble gas counts.

I'm sure real experts want to scream at me for both that and this, but this is basically how electricity works. You have a big pile of something at the "positive" end that's "missing electrons" (for the above reason or maybe actually ionized so they really aren't there), and a "negative" end that's got spares. Then you make wires out of stuff from those middle of the road elements that have awkward electron counts and don't mind buddying up (and also high melting points and some other handy qualities) and you hook those in there. And the electron clouds on all the atoms in the wire get kinda pulled towards the positive side because there's more room over there, but if they full on leave their nucleus needs more electron pals, so yeah neighbors get pulled over, and the whole wire connected to the positive bit ends up with a positive charge to it, and the whole wire on the negative bit is negatively charged, and so yeah, anywhere you bridge the gap between the two, the electrons are pretty stoked about balancing out these two big awkward compromises and they'll start conga lining over to balance things out, and while they're at it they'll light up lights or shake speakers or spin motors or activate electromagnets or whatever other rad things you've worked out how to make happen with a live electric current.

Insulators, Resistors, Waves, and Capacitors

Oh and we typically surround these wires made of things that are super happy about sharing electrons around with materials that are very much "I'm good, thanks," but this isn't an all or nothing system and there's stuff you can connect between the positive and negative ends of things that still pass the current along, but only so much so fast. We use those to make resistors, and those are handy because sometimes you don't want to put all the juice you have through something because it would damage it, and having a resistor anywhere along a path you're putting current through puts a cap on that flow, and also sometimes you might want a wire connected to positive or negative with a really strong resistor so it'll have SOME sort of default charge, but if we get a free(r) flowing connection attached to that wire somewhere else that opens sometimes, screw that little trickle going one way, we're leaning everyone the other way for now.

The other thing with electricity is is that the flow here isn't a basic yes/no thing. How enthusiastically those electrons are getting pulled depends on the difference in charge at the positive and negative ends, and also if you're running super long wires then even if they conduct real good, having all that space to spread along is going to kinda slow things to a trickle, AND the whole thing is kinda going to have some inherent bounciness to it both because we're dealing with electrons whipping and spinning all over and because, since it's a property that's actually useful for a lot of things we do with electricity, the power coming out of the wall has this intentional wobbly nature because we've actually got this ridiculous spinny thing going on that's constantly flip flopping which prong of the socket is positive and which is negative and point is we get these sine waves of strength by default, and they kinda flop over if we're going really far.

Of course there's also a lot of times when you really want to not have your current flow flickering on and off all the time, but hey fortunately one of the first neat little electronic components we ever worked out are capacitors... and look, I'm going to be straight with you. I don't really get capacitors, but the basic idea is you've got two wires that go to big wide plates, and between those you have something that doesn't conduct the electricity normally, but they're so close the electromagnetic fields are like vibing, and then if you disconnect them from the flow they were almost conducting and/or they get charged to their limit, they just can't deal with being so charged up and they'll bridge their own gap and let it out. So basically you give them electricity to hold onto for a bit then pass along, and various sizes of them are super handy if you want to have a delay between throwing a switch and having things start doing their thing, or keeping stuff going after you break a connection, or you make a little branching path where one branch connects all regular and the other goes through a capacitor, and the electricity which is coming in in little pulses effectively comes out as a relatively steady stream because every time it'd cut out the capacity lets its charge go.

We don't just have switches, we have potentiometers.

OK, so... all of the above is just sort of about having a current and maybe worrying about how strong it is, but other than explaining how you can just kinda have main power rails running all over, and just hook stuff across them all willy-nilly rather than being forced to put everything in one big line, but still, all you can do with that is turn the whole thing on and off by breaking the circuit. Incidentally, switches, buttons, keys, and anything else you use to control the behavior of any electronic device really are just physically touching loose wires together or pulling them apart... well wait no, not all, this is a good bit to know.

None of this is actually pass/fail, really, there's wave amplitudes and how big a difference we have between the all. So when you have like, a volume knob, that's a potentiometer, which is a simple little thing where you've got your wire, it's going through a resistor, and then we have another wire we're scraping back and forth along the resistor, using a knob, usually, and the idea is the current only has to go through X percent of the resistor to get to the wire you're moving, which proportionately reduces the resistance. So you have like a 20 volt current, you've got a resistor that'll drop that down to 5 or so, but then you move this other wire down along and you've got this whole dynamic range and you can fine tune it to 15 or 10 or whatever coming down that wire. And what's nice about this again, what's actually coming down the wire is this wobbily wave of current, it's not really just "on" or "off, and as you add resistance, the wobble stays the same, it's just the peaks and valleys get closer to being just flat. Which is great if you're making, say, a knob to control volume, or brightness, or anything you want variable intensity in really.

Hey hey, it's a relay!

Again, a lot of the earliest stuff people did with electronics was really dependent on that analog wobbly waveform angle. Particularly for reproducing sound, and particularly the signals of a telegraph. Those had to travel down wires for absurd distances, and as previously stated, when you do that the signal is going to eventually decay to nothing. But then someone came up with this really basic idea where every so often along those super long wires, you set something up that takes the old signal and uses it to start a new one. They called them relays, because you know, it's like a relay race.

If you know how an electromagnet works (something about the field generated when you coil a bunch of copper wire around an iron core and run an electric current through it), a relay is super simple. You've got an electromagnet in the first circuit you're running, presumably right by where it's going to hit the big charged endpoint, and that magnetically pulls a tab of metal that's acting as a switch on a new circuit. As long as you've got enough juice left to activate the magnet, you slam that switch and voom you've got all the voltage you can generate on the new line.

Relays don't get used too much in other stuff, being unpopular at the time for not being all analog and wobbily (slamming that switch back and forth IS going to be a very binary on or off sorta thing), and they make this loud clacking noise that's actually just super cool to hear in devices that do use them (pinball machines are one of the main surviving use cases I believe) but could be annoying in some cases. What's also neat is that they're a logical AND gate. That is, if you have current flowing into the magnet, AND you have current flowing into the new wire up to the switch, you have it flowing out through the far side of the switch, but if either of those isn't true, nothing happens. Logic gates, to get ahead of myself a bit, are kinda the whole thing with computers, but we still need the rest of them. So for these purposes, relays re only neat if it's the most power and space efficient AND gate you have access to.

Oh and come to think of it, there's no reason we need to have that magnet closing the circuit when it's doing its thing. We could have it closed by default and yank it open by the magnet. Hey, now we're inverting whatever we're getting on the first wire! Neat!

Relay computers clack too loud! Gimme vacuum tubes!

So... let's take a look at the other main thing people used electricity for before coming up with the whole computer thing, our old friend the light bulb! Now I already touched a bit on the whole wacky alternating current thing, and I think this is actually one of the cases that eventually lead to it being adopted so widely, but the earliest light bulbs tended to just use normal direct current, where again, you've got the positive end and the negative end, and we just take a little filament of whatever we have handy that glows when you run enough of a current through it, and we put that in a big glass bulb and pump out all the air we can, because if we don't, the oxygen in there is probably going to change that from glowing a bit to straight up catching on fire and burning immediately.

But, we have a new weird little problem, because of the physics behind that glowing. Making something hot, on a molecular level, is just kinda adding energy to the system so everything jitters around more violently, and if you get something hot enough that it glows, you're getting it all twitchy enough for tinier particles to just fly the hell off it. Specifically photons, that's the light bit, but also hey, remember, electrons are just kinda free moving and whipping all over looking for their naked proton pals... and hey, inside this big glass bulb, we've got that other end of the wire with the more positive charge to it. Why bother wandering up this whole coily filament when we're in a vacuum and there's nothing to get in the way if we just leap straight over that gap? So... they do that, and they're coming in fast and on elliptical approaches and all, so a bunch of electrons overshoot and smack into the glass on the far side, and now one side of every light bulb is getting all gross and burnt from that and turning all brown and we can't have that.

So again, part of the fix is we switched to alternating current so it's at least splitting those wild jumps up to either side, but before that, someone tried to solve this by just... kinda putting a backboard in there. Stick a big metal plate on the end of another wire in the bulb connected to a positive charge, and now OK, all those maverick electrons smack into here and aren't messing up the glass, but also hey, this is a neat little thing. Those electrons are making that hop because they're all hot and bothered. If we're not heating up the plate they're jumping to, and there's no real reason we'd want to, then if we had a negative signal over on that side... nothing would happen. Electrons aren't getting all antsy and jumping back.

So now we have a diode! The name comes because we have two (di-) electrodes (-ode) we care about in the bulb (we're just kind of ignoring the negative one), and it's a one way street for our circuit. That's useful for a lot of stuff, like not having electricity flow backwards through complex systems and mess things up, converting AC to DC (when it flips, current won't flow through the diode so we lop off the bottom of the wave, and hey, we can do that thing with capacitors to release their current during those cutoffs, and if we're clever we can get a pretty steady high).

More electrodes! More electrodes!

So a bit after someone worked out this whole vacuum tube diode thing, someone went hey, what if it was a triode? So, let's stick another electrode in there, and this one just kinda curves around in the middle, just kinda making a grate or a mesh grid, between our hot always flowing filament and that catch plate we're keeping positively charged when it's doing stuff. Well this works in a neat way. If there's a negative charge on it, it's going to be pushing back on those electrons jumping over, and if there's a positive charge on it, it's going to help pull those electrons over (it's all thin, so they're going to shoot right past it, especially if there's way more of a positive charge over on the plate... and here's the super cool part- This is an analog thing. If we have a relatively big negative charge, it's going to repel everything, if it's a relatively big positive, it's going to pull a ton across, if it's right in the middle, it's like it wasn't even in there, and you can have tiny charges for all the gradients in between.

We don't need a huge charge for any of this though, because we're just helping or hindering the big jump from the high voltage stuff, and huh, weren't we doing this whole weak current controlling a strong current thing before with the relay? We were! And this is doing the same thing! Except now we're doing it all analog style, not slapping switch with a magnet, and we can make those wavy currents peak higher or lower and cool, now we can have phone lines boost over long distances too, and make volume knobs, and all that good stuff.

The relay version of this had that cool trick though where you could flip the output. Can we still flip the output? We sure can, we just need some other toys in the mix. See we keep talking about positive charges and negative charges at the ends of our circuits, but these are relative things. I mentioned way back when how you can use resistors to throttle how much of a current we've got, so you can run two wires to that grid in the triode. One connects to a negative charge and the other positive, with resistors on both those lines, and a switch that can break the connection on the positive end. If the positive is disconnected, we've got a negative charge on the grid, since it's all we've got, but if we connect it, and the resistor to the negative end really limits flow, we're positive in the section the grid's in. And over on the side with the collecting plate, we branch off with another resistor setup so the negative charge on that side is normally the only viable connection for a positive, but when we flip the grid to positive, we're jumping across the gap in the vacuum tube, and that's a big open flow so we'll just take those electrons instead of the ones that have to squeeze through a tight resistor to get there.

That explanation is probably a bit hard to follow because I'm over here trying to explain it based on how the electrons are actually getting pulled around. In the world of electronics everyone decided to just pretend the flow is going the other way because it makes stuff easier to follow. So pretend we have magical positrons that go the other way and if they have nothing better to do they go down the path where we have all the fun stuff further down the circuit lighting lights and all that even though it's a tight squeeze through a resistor, because there's a yucky double negative in the triode and that's worse, but we have the switch rigged up to make that a nice positive go signal to the resistance free promised land with a bonus booster to cut across, so we're just gonna go that way when the grid signal's connected.

Oh and you can make other sorts of logic circuits or double up on them in a single tube if you add more grids and such, which we did for a while, but not really relevant these days.

Cool history lesson but I know there's no relays or vacuum tubes in my computer.

Right, so the above things are how we used to make computers, but they were super bulky, and you'd have to deal with how relays are super loud and kinda slow, and vacuum tubes need a big power draw and get hot. What we use instead of either of those these days are transistors. See after spending a good number of years working out all this circuit flow stuff with vacuum tubes we eventually focused on how the real important thing in all of this is how with the right materials you can make a little juncture where current flows between a positive and negative charge if a third wire going in there is also positively charged, but if it's negatively charged we're pulling over. And turns out there is a WAY more efficient way of doing that if you take a chunk of good ol' middle of the electron road silicon, and just kinda lightly paint the side of it with just the tiniest amount of positive leaning and negative leaning elements on the sides.

Really transistors don't require understanding anything new past the large number of topics already covered here, they're just more compact about it. Positive leaning bit, negative leaning bit, wildcard in the middle, like a vacuum tube. Based on the concepts of pulling electrons around from chemistry, like a circuit in general. The control wire in the middle kinda works in just a pass-fail sort of way, like a relay. They're just really nice compared to the older alternatives because they don't make noise or have moving parts to wear down, you don't have to run enough current through them for metal to start glowing and the whole room to heat up, and you can make them small. Absurdly small. Like... need an electron microscope to see them small.

And of course you can also make an inverter super tiny like that, and a diode (while you're at it you can use special materials or phosphors to make them light emitting, go LEDs!) and resistors can get pretty damn small if you just use less of a more resistant material, capacitors I think have a limit to how tiny you can get, practically, but yeah, you now know enough of the basic fundamentals of how computers work to throw some logic gates together. We've covered how a relay, triode, or transistor function as an AND gate. An OR gate is super easy, you just stick diodes on two wires so you don't have messy backflow then connect them together and lead off there. If you can get your head around wiring up an inverter (AKA NOT), hey, stick one after an AND to get a NAND, or an OR to get a NOR. You can work out XOR and XNOR from there right? Just build 4 NANDs, pass input A into gates 1 and 2, B into 2 and 3, 2's output into 1 and 3, 1 and 3's output into 4 for a XOR, use NORs instead for a XNOR. That's all of them right? So now just build a ton of those and arrange them into a computer. It's all logic and math from there.

Oh right. It's... an absurd amount of logic and math, and I can only fit so many words in a blog post. So we'll have to go all...

CONTINUED IN PART 2!

Meanwhile, again, if you can spare some cash I'd really appreciate it.

[purehoneyblossom]

astro observations rant post tbh

I don't think any other Venus sign truly deserves to be with a Scorpio Venus. Not a single one of you is up to par and you know it too. Scorpio venuses settle each and every time they get romantically involved with someone who is not also a scorpio venus (or at least has their Venus in 8H).

Capricorn placements love acting resentful towards you once they realized they can’t give all the things they promised to give you even though you never fucking asked them for anything in the first place. They just love messing up their own credibility sometimes. They’re the type to introduce you to a vibe they can’t maintain lol

this isnt a observation but why are yall making asteroid posts and not including the damn number of the asteroid in question??????

People only call Libras liars (lazy af at this point) because there is really not much else negative to say. But the gag is.. EVERYBODY lies. Every human who understands how human nature and human interactions work knows that you have to lie (and lie often) in order to maintain harmony socially. We lie to our friends, we lie to our family, we even lie to ourselves. So hang this take up PLEASE DEAR GOD.

Adding on to that, Libras truly are just mirrors to what people refuse to face about themselves. 🙃 If you were throwing the evil eye at them they gave you that mean girl energy for sure bc they knew something was up with you. If you came at them on some fake shit, they gave that energy right fucking back.

We all have a right to self determination... correct? With that being said its totally fine that some of us possibly won't experience love/romance/relationships in this lifetime. (Especially for the het girlies) Its fine that you can often see that in a chart. You don't have to try to appease to the girls with "harsher" aspects or placements in their chart. Plus, I see a lot of astrology girlies contradict themselves multiple times in their posts in the name of trying to bullshit around the truth. Some of us were put on this earth for self focus, growth and exploration alone. And that's okay.

A lot of us simply aren’t exciting enough to date Gemini/Sagittarius/Aries/Aquarius placements and that’s okay! Let ‘em date each other.

It’s hard getting to know a Scorpio moon because getting to know them involves knowing the trauma that they’ve endured because it’s probably 90% of their story and what’s made them who they are. And that’s a lot to drop on someone on a first date or when you’re first getting to know someone…. Or even the first year of knowing someone. TW Sorry they didn’t want to tell you they were sexually assaulted when they were a kid and that turned their life upside down for the absolute worst...

Libra placements don’t have mean girl energy, they have older sister energy. You know, the older sister who you wanted to be so badly, you wanted to look like her, dress like her, act like her, etc and she was “ mean” to you bc you were her little annoying ass sibling lol but every now and then she’d be nice and let you put on some of her makeup. It’s that kind of energy.

I take a lot of what others say about synastry with a huge grain of salt because its not the synastry placement or aspects that caused the negative outcome babygirl, the relationship was doomed from the start. You had to convince yourself to even find him attractive in the first place just because he showed you romantic attraction and a lot of yall just have very low standards.

Having an aquarius moon must be like naturally having SSRIs running through your synapses at all times... must be nice..

Cancer placements are not sensitive in the empathetic, feeling what others feel kind of way. They are sensitive in a "if you do something that hurts me I will crash the fuck out on you and take it to hell no matter the degree of what you did to me" kind of way. This could be applied to all the water signs but no one does it like Cancer.

Definitely not stamping this as a solid observation but i'm noticing that people tend to form quick crushes on people who have their sun sign in the sign of their venus sign. However, they do not last... let me find out that sun-venus synastry conjunction ain't all that...

I think people are more obsessed with scorpio venuses being obsessive than scorpio venuses actually being obsessive themselves. When speaking of scorpio venus, people fail to mention that it is hard for this placement to even like or love people to the point they're obsessed with them. They rarely like people enough to even like them like that. Actually, you have more of a chance of them disliking or hating you than you do them being romantically liking you or being obsessed with you.

Virgo suns (tropical/sidereal) have such a short tolerance for stupidity or people acting confused lol They get irritated fast when people don't catch on quickly. Unevolved, they are the type to make you feel really dumb for not understanding something.

Y'all want libra placements to be jealous soooo bad lol that's not how emotions and characteristics work. You can't project an emotion you want an entire group of people to identify as to make yourself feel better about YOU feeling that way. I swear jealousy makes the girlies act like weirdos. It's okay to be obsessed, I promise. I am too 🙃

I'll admit it, I used to look at a lot of the sagittarius suns I would meet and interact with sideways for some of their viewpoints on things until I recently realized something about them. A pattern I noticed about them is that during their upbringing, others around them (usually adults) will project their own toxic/problematic beliefs onto them intensely. That Jupiter influence is kinda of dangerous, beneficial for sure but kind of dangerous too.

I'm glad someone else made a post about how ridiculous some of the astrology "observation" posts can get because some of you get really out of line. I try to give a lot of grace bc I notice that a great majority of you are younger than 22 and that frontal lobe is not even near done baking but I wish that y'all would really sit with some of the things you're writing before deciding to post certain things. I remember writing in my last astrology post about how some of you believe people with prominent libra placements are lgbt+... never got an answer 🙃

Keeping the rant going, can we stop with the mad specific ass observation posts. I feel like we've lost the plot on astrology observations. Like why the fuck are you posting observations about Neptune in Aquarius in the 8th house cusp in a chart with a Libra stellium and a grand trine.............. girl if you don't gtf! If you want to talk about someone you know or yourself just say that!

With all that being said, I feel that it is important for those interested in astrology to seek information and education outside of Tumblr. Specifically from older astrologers. Not to come across as ageist against young people who are into astrology but some of the takes you guys tend to have do come off as you needing to live a little bit more and get more experience before judging certain placements/aspects/signs.

"most people i know with [insert a random negative stereotype about a natal aspect based on a few personal experiences with ppl here]" okay... wtf do you want the rest of us with this aspect in our charts to do about it? Like what do you hope to accomplish when you make posts like this? Seriously....?

For the sake of time, I'll leave y'all with this video of an astrologer I truly respect with her viewpoint on astrology and the shit that we need to leave in 2024, all of which I wholeheartedly agree with.

Till next time hoes, happy new year!

[icyg4l]

PAC: What Do You Need to Let Go Of?

Hello beautiful people! Today is Saturday aka Saturn Day. In honor of Saturn Day, the day associated with banishment, protection and responsibility. Today is the day we let go of what no longer serves us; the day where we can no longer ignore what sits heavy on our spirits. So without further ado, please choose your Saturn.

**If you really loved this topic then you should book a reading with me, please read my guidelines and then message me privately! Also, if you had received a reading from me, don’t be afraid to leave a little feedback! Please and thank you in advance. 🫶🫶🫶

Top Left-to-Bottom Right: (1-6)

PILE ONE: “No More Mr. Nice Guy” is what I heard. I feel like you tend to have a lot of love & compassion for people. This doesn’t necessarily translate over to the other person/people though. You need to stop being so nice, Pile One. I think you have a lot of growing up to do. There is good and bad in everyone but what really matters is how this person makes you feel. Stop caring about the feelings of other people if you aren’t going to take yourself into consideration. This is why you always get taken advantage of. It’s okay to be a moody bitch sometimes. Having a sunny disposition 24/7 just isn’t realistic. Don’t act naive when you know the truth about certain situations. Move intentionally and with wisdom. If you don’t think they won’t do that, think again.

Cards Used: The Star, King of Cups, 7 of Cups, The Fool, The Moon, The Tower, Judgment.

PILE TWO: The movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind may resonate with you. I feel like you need to let go of your ex, seriously. You don’t have to forget about them but you do need to move past this person. They have caused much turmoil in your life, especially when it comes to your mental health. They could have indirectly negatively affected your finances as well. But there is someone else who is on the horizon. They want you to see the bigger picture. They want to show you better. If you have been writing notes about what you would like to see in your future partner, expect for these qualities to show up in someone that will soon approach you. They have a beautiful, colorful aura and they will let you shine. Your ex fucked you up bad but you can recover from this. Don’t be afraid to see what love has in store for you, my love.

Cards Used: King of Cups, The Magician, 2 of Cups (RX), The Star, The High Priestess, 5 of Wands, Judgment, Strength, The Fool.

PILE THREE: You’re a Virgo/Sagittarius, aren’t you? You don’t have to know and control everything, honey. Let go of the need to be involved in everything. You have been neglecting your soul’s needs. You have a lot of potential to grow but you don’t know how to accept help nor do you allow yourself to just be. You’re so uptight and burnt out right now. It would benefit you to just walk away from stress-inducing situations. If you know you can’t take that extra shift at work, why even bother? Who are you trying to please? You are making it hard for yourself to maneuver through this world peacefully because you do not know how to enjoy what’s in front of you. If only you could see the beauty of your labor. Slow down. Why are you going so hard for? You’re so used to making things happen that you get frustrated when things don’t work out your way. A word of advice: Please just allow time to do its thing. Don’t work against it.

Cards Used: The Sun (RX), Ace of Cups, Strength, 2 of Discs (RX), King of Wands, 7 of Wands (RX), 3 of Discs, 10 of Swords, The Magician, The Hierophant.

PILE FOUR: Christmastime must be your favorite time of the year, huh? I feel like you could also have a strong connection to Mariah Carey as well. Her book is on my mind heavy as I’m reading for you. I feel like you are so used to dysfunctional relationships. You have the tendency to move fast with people. I’m going to hold your hand when I say this, they ain’t going nowhere! Let go of your lovebombing tendencies and show up as your real self. I don’t think you see this as that but it is. You don’t seem to be big on communication. I don’t think you had the best role models for any kind of relationship so you just do what you know. But this does not translate well with other people, which results in chaos. Unpack why you interact with others the way that you do. You too, have a lot of growing up to do, my friend.

Cards Used: Knight of Wands, King of Swords, Queen of Cups (RX), Four of Wands (RX), Ace of Wands (RX), The High Priestess, 8 of Wands, 3 of Cups.

PILE FIVE: “Shut up and dance.” No seriously, shut up and dance. I feel like you are someone that refuses to be seen dancing in public or just in general. There is no need to feel like that. Let go of your shyness, babe. I feel like you actually have good dance moves, you just don’t want to be seen for some reason. Dancing will help you get more comfortable in the spotlight. You have gotten too comfortable in your little bubble. The next time someone asks you to dance, accept the offer (especially if it’s zydeco, salsa or kompa 🙈). You’re never too cute to dance, pookie.

Cards Used: The Hermit, Knight of Discs, The Chariot, 6 of Wands, The Empress, King of Discs (RX).

PILE SIX: Why are you wasting your time arguing with everyone? You need to master the art of preserving your energy. Let go of the need to prove yourself/defend yourself to other people. You exist just like everyone else on this planet but somehow you always end up in a verbal altercation. Is it worth it? I’m sure there’s plenty of alternative options you could choose. Just walking away could do you some good. You are the type of person to catch someone in a lie. Instead of cursing them out, you could just laugh in their face or block them. You could channel this energy into something else. It is normal to experience anger. But just know that you could always get in trouble if you never control it properly. Get a handle on your emotions. Be more logical & cutthroat. I think you definitely could benefit from taking the high road. Your soul is tired. Give it up, babe.

Cards Used: Knight of Swords, Queen of Swords, The Lovers, 8 of Cups, Ace of Swords, The Hermit, Justice, The Moon, The Star.

[gothamcitycentral]

OH Oh oh, I would love to hear a Charlie canon vs fanon rant if you're up for sharing?

Ok ok mainly I was thinking of someone recently saying “Charlie represents a shallow christian view of redemption in which you just try really hard and don’t do drugs! you’ll be a good person that easy!” (paraphrased) and well. No. Definitely not.

What Charlie represents is the emotional idea of redemption.

Charlie’s chosen existence is based fully upon the idea that there is no category of “bad person” that excludes someone from being human. As such, everyone is capable of redemption because ‘there’s good in everyone deep down inside, she knows there is.’ People like to think this as naivety (which is. a whole other thing) but this is the stance the show takes every seriously. So many, and I mean so many, are under this impression that Charlie is at some point going to be proven wrong about redemption. That not everyone can actually be redeemed. But she just won’t be because the point is always that Charlie is right. With Angel, with Pentious, against Lucifer, against Adam and against Sera, she’s proven right.

“You build something nice, you invite people in and offer them everything and they just bring VIOLENCE and CHAOS to your doorstep. It doesn’t matter how well intentioned you are, they’ll always disappoint you.”

…He says, as the hotel crew work together to keep each other safe and out of harm’s way even at their own risk.

In any case, Charlie’s view of redemption is that of loving-

-and being loved.

This is what the series shows. Every fully realized character loves, and is loved by, someone.

No exceptions.

It’s a deliberate point of humanization because the show argues everyone has humanity. Which is what Charlie argues! The show is always in alignment with her values. As such, it doesn’t make sense to argue any of this is something she is meant to grow out of.

Now, where the above statement is drawn from is that she doesn’t have the practical understanding of redemption. Hence the parody of America’s famously ineffectual D.A.R.E program. This done because Charlie is very much throwing shit at the wall (done through looking at common behavior in hell and having her patrons do the opposite to appeal to Heaven) in very desperate hope something will work and Heaven will recognize her people… as people. Importantly, the significant thing of Angel Dust and Sir Pentious being the actors in this scene is that through understanding them Charlie learns a practical idea of redemption. That being as (and what the show properly conceptualizes redemption as) the correction of behavior that harms oneself or those around you. Which is why we go from:

To:

“Heavenly people, the porn star chose a night of debauchery, that’s not a soul worthy of being in Heaven!”

“Are you really telling me you haven’t had a drink with friends at the end of a hard day?”

She’s not bending over backwards to make Angel as appealing as possible to Heaven, she’s making a stance that disagrees with their perception of ‘bad behavior’, reminding them to acknowledge his hardships and what influences his behavior, and making it clear that these specific actions aren’t having a negative effect on anyone, and therefore doesn’t contradict her statement that Angel has improved.

Then people see the part of Charlie’s arc which is learning to have a damn backbone (to put it bluntly) and go and argue that the end point for Charlie’s character is to “stop being nice.” Well, first of all, Charlie being nice is the only reason everyone isn’t dead, so jot that down, and second, while yes Charlie fights against Adam, the ultimate result of that conflict is:

“He’s had enough.”

Charlie is always going to choose mercy. She is always going to extend humanity. She is always going to offer the olive branch. People think Charlie is going to come to some grand revelation about having to be cruel and that just, isn’t the point. Because the big thing is that people believe Charlie is defined by her naivety (and that eventually that naivety must be destroyed) but she isn’t.

The only moment I can really think that suggests Charlie being such is her singing in the pilot during the newsbroadcast despite being warned otherwise. Besides that, I just don’t see it as a major point of characterization. Because we see Charlie acknowledge not everyone wants to change, but she doesn’t get to deny any the opportunity, deny them the hotel. Because they were entitled to the opportunity to change and improve by process of being alive. “How can I turn him away? I can’t. It goes against everything I stand for.”

In general I think there’s a failure of people who view Charlie as just… naturally happy go lucky at factory default and miss that Charlie’s kindness is a choice.

Charlie was born into a broken world with a decomposing kingdom to her name. Her optimism is a developed coping mechanism because it’s the only way she can believe everything can maybe work out. Because Charlie has been surrounded by this constant death she felt powerless to stop and everyone has just! accepted it! This constant misery that she unavoidably bares witness to, and it feels like she’s the only one who cares.

So she has to be kind. She has to believe things can tangibly improve. She has to put the entire world and then some onto her own shoulders and live with every action she takes having millions of lives dependent on it. Charlie doesn’t even think she’s any sort of properly equipped to do any of this, but she’s the only person who’s bothering to try.

As Charlie deeply internalizes what people say about her. Hell’s clown, a joke, a fool chasing an impossible dream, destined to fail. Whenever anything goes wrong, Charlie directs that entirely at her own self. Adam is going to slaughter the hotel? What a horrible person she was to give the them false hope. Heaven decided to personally purge Charlie and her family because they dared to believe in their own personhood? Well she should have done a better job at convincing them otherwise.

Charlie doesn’t like herself.

So she masks it.

Sometimes the mask, the optimism, breaks.

I think Charlie’s optimism is as to Alastor’s cruelty, that’s why this scene compares them the way it does. Those aspects of them, they’re not fake exactly, but they are conjured to shield their fears. Charlie is afraid of failing everyone and Alastor is afraid of… being afraid in the first place frankly.

Because again, Charlie views everyone as her responsibility. She needs no reasoning beyond Hell being her people for her to dedicate her entire being to them. People seem to not acknowledge how closely she and Vaggie manifest their feelings of self loathing, even if they pretty much do it on opposite ends of the spectrum. Vaggie is a living extension to Charlie, Charlie is a living extension of Hell. The knight and the princess, both sworn to their own duties even at their own suffering. And the princess would burn herself to ash to warm her kingdom. Charlie is the self chosen sacrificial lamb.

[xxsunoosprincess]

could i request for enhypen legal line reaction to you being insecure about your stretch marks? under the chest and the thighs as well :( lol thank you

felt this one… again sorry it’s so late after your requested!

Enhypen reaction to their s/o being insecure about their stretch marks (OT6)

pairing: enhypen legal line x reader

warning: angst, emotional hurt/comfort, mentions of poor body image, insecurities, some are suggestive

Heeseung

Praise flows out of his mouth instantly because he is truly dumbfounded. His baby? His sweet baby doesn’t like how she looks. He is pouting, hands immediately gravitating to the stretch marks on your sides and gently brushing over the raised skin with his fingertip.

“I don’t understand” he frowns, the honesty and hurt across his face is clear as day “you and your stretch marks are really beautiful. Really, really beautiful. Baby, it hurts to see you don’t see yourself the way I see you”. It’s all said between the sweetest kisses he can muster up.

Jay

When you guys started dating, he vowed to take things slowly. He wants you for more than your body and he wants to make sure you know that. This accompanied by the fact that the furthest you have gone is some heavy petting over clothes means that he hasn’t ever seen your body.

It’s movie night, what movie you don’t know, because the way he is mouthing in your neck and how his hands slide up your shirt is taking all your attention. Partially due to anticipation, but also something much further from pleasure. When you mumble out a ‘wait’, hands catching his, he freezes and backs off. He would never overstep. If that means giving you space, fucking with your shirt still on, or an innocent cuddle, he is more than happy to oblige.

Jake

Jake has them too… Headcannoning him to have stretch marks on his lower back. Probably appeared during his growth spurt. Still shy about taking his shirt off around people, but this drastically changes when he overhears you comment negatively about your own stretch marks while on the phone with your friend.

I imagine he is kinda at a loss for words, unsure how to comfort you but his heart is broken to hear you don’t love your body as much as he does. So, he leads by example. When questioned about why he is walking around the dorm shirtless, he glances at you out of the corner of his eye, blushing a bit as he says “nothing to be ashamed of! even my stretch marks are a sign of how hard my body has worked to help me grow!!” Hopes his confidence is contagious, but for now he is satisfied with the giggles he pulls out of you with his over the top flexing.

Sunghoon

He isn’t stupid. He knows what it means when he sees you scrutinizing your body in the mirror when you think he is still in the shower. I mean, he did figure skating. He’s an idol. When you work in industries that are critical of your body, you just know. He just… he doesn’t know what to do. It kills him to see you upset about anything, let alone your body. It leaves him shuffling on his feet.

“You look really nice” it startles you, fumbling to pull your shirt back over your now exposed tummy. You whip around to see him standing awkwardly in the doorway, his cheeks just as red as yours. “You shouldn’t… do that.” The vague hand gestures he makes are confusing, but even more startling is the sudden bone-crushing hug he pulls you into. “You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself”.

Sunoo

I think he knows better than everyone what it’s like to feel insecure about your body, what it feels like to have everyone’s eyes just scanning for flaws, so his blood runs cold when you ask him what products can help reduce the marks. Sure he has the creams, the oils, whatever, that could answer your question but he is tossing them the moment he gets home.

“What? Did someone say something to you?” You’ve never seen Sunoo look so serious. Not a hint of a smile on his face, no softness in his tone. The idea of anyone making you feel insecure makes him sick. “You should never try to change yourself, your body, for anyone. Don’t look away, I’m serious, you shouldn’t change, not even for me and I would never ask you to change. You’re perfect.”

Jungwon

It’s such a lovely day. Jungwon has dragged you out for a picnic, the sun is shining bright and the river running next to you guys makes for such a picturesque day. At least, it would be if the dress you were wearing wasn’t riding up your legs at every move and exposing the stretch marks running up your thighs.

“-and then he told me to… wait, y/n are you listening?” Jungwon whines as he notices you distracted by your dress again. You stutter out an apology, face beet red, but he doesn’t let you get it out before he is pulling off his jacket and casting it over your legs “There. Is that better? Stop, don’t give it back I’m not cold! You seem uncomfortable with your legs exposed, it’s the least I can do. But I wish you wouldn’t… your legs are so sexy- hey! Don’t flick me!”

END.

a/n: this one feels like shart… I don’t think I’m great at writing fluff. They all are ‘T’s in their MBTI except Sunoo’s, so I felt like it was a little hard to gauge how they would react so something so sensitive. But! I think they are all lovebugs and would do their best to comfort you. I tried something new though :3 hope you guys enjoy - xx princess.

[winchesterwild78]

Broken pt 1

Master List

Characters: Jensen x Reader (wife)

Warnings: Angst, Infertility issues, Language

A/N:  Idea given to me by @cheekygirl2309. This one is a little different than what I usually write. It has angst, lots of angst to start, and infertility issues. It's going to be a short series.

Minors DNI 18+

I stood at the sink in our shared bathroom waiting and staring at the test on the counter. Another month has come and gone, another month of trying to conceive. The timer went off and with shaky hands I looked at the test, negative. My heart broke. 

Jensen and I had been trying for months to get pregnant and nothing we did was working. Frustration was beginning to take over and overshadow the possibility of being a parent. 

Jensen sat on our bed, phone in hand and leg bouncing. I walked out of the bathroom and he looked up at me, “Well?” I shook my head no. He let out a frustrated sigh and ran his hands through his hair and down his face. 

“Jens, I’m.” He lifted his hand and cut me off. I felt a pang of sadness fill my chest and a lump form in my throat. 

“Just don’t, please. Don’t say how sorry you are. It’s not your fucking fault. Maybe we should just stop trying.” Tears pricked my eyes at the harshness of his words.

“You don’t mean that, Jensen. Please, we can keep trying, we can go to the doctor and see what’s going on. Please, don’t give up on this.” 

“It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m leaving for Toronto in a few days.” I spun my head and looked at him, “What?! I thought you were home for a while.” 

“Well I guess not. We were called back for reshoots.” 

“Damnit, Jensen! This is why I can’t get pregnant. You’re never fucking home. Between filming and your convention schedule you’re not home long enough.” 

“Y/N, don’t start! I have obligations to the people I work for and with, and to my fans. You knew what you signed up for when we got married.” 

“I didn’t sign up to be alone all the time, and obligations!? What about your obligations to me, to us, our marriage? Does that mean so little to you?” 

“Fuck! I’m not going to spend the next few days arguing with you.” Jensen growled and grabbed his suitcase. 

I stood in disbelief. The tears that pricked my eyes were now falling, and my chest felt like it had a massive hole in it. 

I stood watching him pack and load up his suitcase without saying a word. As he passed by me he looked at me briefly but then looked away. No words were spoken. 

Jensen carried his suitcase downstairs while he was on the phone. He was booking a plane to leave tonight. An audible sob left my lips. 

“Jensen, are you really leaving tonight?” Without looking up he said, “Yes.” 

“Jens, please don’t do this. Please stay here. We need to figure this out.” 

Jensen’s phone went off. He looked at it and stood up, grabbing his suitcase, “I have to go. Goodbye, Y/N.” I swallowed hard. I usually drive him to the airport.

Before I could respond he was out the door, no hug, no kiss goodbye. I let out a loud sob and collapsed to the floor. He left. 

My world spiraled around me. The harsh words we spoke to each other replayed in my head. Did he really just walk out, did I lose him?

Jensen’s POV

I climbed in the Uber and headed towards the airport. My harsh words replayed in my head. The hurt on her face with another negative test and again when I left. The Uber driver was nice, making small talk, and I tried to be polite. 

My world was crumbling and I plastered a smile on my face and ran away from the problem. I’m a fucking coward. We wanted a baby, and I can’t even give her that. 

She’s right, I leave her alone too much. How can I expect to get her pregnant when I’m only home for a week at most. 

Reader’s POV

I cried, harder than I had in awhile. It felt almost therapeutic. I stood up, locked the door and crawled into bed. I grabbed Jensen’s pillow. The faint smell of his shampoo and cologne lingered on the pillow. 

I missed him so much it hurt. Was this argument the one that broke us? Will we be able to fix this and move forward?

I looked at my phone, hoping for a text, but I had nothing. He left. Left without hugging me or kissing me. He left early so he didn’t have to deal with this argument. He was done. Done with me, with trying for a baby, done with our marriage. 

I decided to send him a text. I had to lay it out there for him so he knew exactly where I stood. 

Me: I don’t know if you’ll read this, or if you even care, but I had to send this so you knew what I was feeling and where I stand. Jensen, I love you. I’ve always loved you and I always will. If you don’t want me, us anymore I get it. I just want to know. You left me tonight. No kiss, no hug. Just a cold shoulder and not so much as a goodbye. I deserve better than that. I’m sorry I haven’t gotten pregnant yet. I don’t know why I’m not, but I was willing to keep trying. I know every time the test comes back negative it hurts, but this hurts worse. 

Jensen, we made a commitment to each other and I still believe in it. I’m okay with putting trying to have a baby on hold, but I’m not okay with putting us on hold. I hope you have a safe flight, and I truly hope you still believe in us enough to fight for us. I know I do. Please call me or message me back. I love you, Jens, today, tomorrow, forever. 

I sat my phone down and curled in a ball. Sleep slowly washing over me. 

Jensen’s POV

I sat in the back of the SUV taking me to the apartment I had rented for filming. Shit, I forgot to turn my phone back on. 

As soon as I turned it on a message came through from Y/N. Arriving at the apartment I grabbed my bags and walked into my place. 

Pulling out my phone I read the texts. Tears pricked my eyes. I let out a frustrated sigh, and ran my hands down my face. 

I fucked up big time. This was one of the first tests in our marriage and I ran like a coward. No wonder she thinks I want out of our marriage. 

I looked at the time and realized it was really late. She was probably asleep but I didn’t want to just text her. I took a deep breath and called her.

“Hello” she answered groggily. 

“Hey, sweetheart. I got your text.” 

“Jens, oh. I’m so glad you’re okay. Baby I’m so sorry. I know this isn’t easy on you. You were right, I did, do know what I signed up for with your schedule and your job. I let my frustration get the better of me.”

“No, I’m sorry, Y/N. I left you alone in this, and ran like a coward. You have every right to feel the way you do. Hell, I feel lonely too, and I’m surrounded by people. I can’t imagine how you feel. Baby I don’t want to stop trying for a baby. I love you so much and I still want us and a baby. I am so sorry I spoke to you the way I did and left you instead of working through this. Say the word and I’ll fly back home tonight. I don’t care about the shoot, you’re more important to me. Our marriage is more important than the shoot.” 

“Jensen, I don’t want you to fly home. You have to stay and go to work. How about I fly to you in the next day or two? I’ll take some time off work and come to Toronto.”

“That would be amazing, sweetheart. I can book the ticket and let you know. Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry. I wish I could hold you right now.”

“Jens, I do too. I’m sorry too. Promise me we won’t do this again. If we get into an argument or have any disagreement we will talk it out. Stay and talk it out.” 

“I swear, Y/N. I’ll never run off again. I love you too much to throw this away.” 

“Good, because you’re stuck with me Ackles.” He chuckled, “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

I yawned and so did he. “Jens, I hate to cut this short, but I’m really tired. Thank you for calling me baby. That means so much to me. I love you, baby.”

“Of course, sweetheart. I’ll let you get some sleep. I love you, darlin’. Good night, Y/N.” “I love you too, Jens, good night.” 

We hung up and I placed my phone on the bedside table. I smiled, pulled Jensen’s pillow to me and fell asleep. Feeling a bit better. 

I fell asleep, my heart lighter than it was before, knowing we were both willing to fight to save our marriage. 

My last thought before I fell asleep was, Now that Jensen and I have made the commitment to always keep communication open, what else could go wrong?

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[heysoundsgood]

A few more (genuine) thoughts and theories about chapter 85!

I love narratives that invite a close reading, and Witch Hat's foreshadowing is so on point and the worldbuilding so detailed that it's kinda hard not to.

Working through the new details from chapter 85, this may not age well, but I one thousand percent think Qifrey is going to turn into a silverwood tree at some point. Like, he's toast on that front, no? Everything about his visual design and story so far is all gravitationally drawn around the idea. He's a chekhov's gun and you can't not fire those.

But if that's the case, what's the inciting incident that causes him to be, even momentarily, chilled out enough to germinate, and god what a sentence to type. You know what I mean, what's something so good that could happen to him that the curse/spell/experiment would fulfill itself?

No idea, but we know what (and where) he cares about more than anything because he's said as much. And good god the notion that Qifrey collects apprentices as a way to protect them from being planted/experimented on...

I love this stuff to pieces.

I'm also not really sweating possible treefrey* because the entire story is, in some part, about what happens when people turn into things because of magic. Into rock, or solid gold, or wolf boys or cat hybrids or big ol blood trees. Not just what happens though, also, 'how do you undo this transformation' and 'can you'?

The counterclock spell un-leeching a man. Coco's idea about canceling Euini's wolf curse with a negative version. Accessing the library to undo Coco's mom's petrification. A lot of story beats about reversing or mitigating spells cast on people.

My very first thought on seeing the Naakiwan Downs was also, 'huh this is an interesting choice for a cozy atelier, it's so barren of vegetation.' It was a genuinely interesting artistic choice for a setting, and maybe a reason she chose to put there was because a giant tree would contrast real nice with the surroundingsssssjustsaying.

Anyway, this was fun, correct me if I misread some of the details. I don't think it's inconsequential that there's more than one piece of concept art of future(?) melancholy Olruggio, or the one with older/adult Coco wearing lil Qifrey glasses.

*delicious angst

[girlthatgotawaysdiary]

things im doing to improve myself ! 𐙚

hi besties!! so today im going to list down the things im doing to improve myself(to motivate me to keep going!!) 🎀🧣

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#1 EXERCISE:

when i was younger, i always used to LOVE working out, and probably tried most fitness type workouts( HIIT, gymnastics, yoga, etc) but never really settled with one. but mid of last year, i decided to start doing pilates, and i absolutely FELL in love! i loved that it combined all the things i loved from other type of workouts. im also a longtime swimmer, so 3 days of a week im in the swimming pool. i also prioritize stretching daily!! & try to run/sprint a couple of miles every day, or just getting 10k steps!

#2 LEAVING TOXIC FRIENDSHIPS:

2 years ago, i had a pretty messed up friendship w a new girl, i felt bad for her so i decided to be nice to her even tho she was an extremely negative person. around nov of last year, i ended our friendship as she was getting really toxic to me and my other friends. i dropped our friendship and moved on, it was obviously hard, but now that i think of it im glad i did it. it made me notice how badly she made me think of myself & others. so if u have a friendship that makes u feel bad about yourself or other people, drop them !!

#3 BEING PROUD OF MYSELF:

last year, i used to get upset if i didnt get the highest grade on an exam or test, & it literally used to make me sad if i got a 14.5/15. so, this year i have decided to grow and be proud of my accomplishments, even if they’re small.

#4 CONSISTENT MORNING & NIGHT ROUTINE:

by consistent i mean a sort of planned morning & night routine. i would pick a perfect routine that makes me feel productive and energized throughout the day. this also means that i would do the same thing every morning & night, & i can already see so many changes in my behavior just by doing the same thing for days(that sounds boring, but it really is so helpful to make you more productive).

pro tip: if you dont know how to figure out your morning or night routine, i recommend writing down the things you want to incorporate into your productive routine and slowly introduce those habits into your mornings or nights.

#5 GOALS EVERY MONTH:

now ive only tried this for a month, but it just makes me feel accomplished that ive done the things i wanted to do beginning of the month. i also like to include an affirmation into my goals page in my journal, so whenever i open it i can repeat that specific affirmation over and over. \

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[twst-hottest-takes]

When Pomefiore first came out on the JP server a few years ago, I genuinely thought that Neige's cutesiness was just an act and that he was far darker behind closed doors. But, nope. Turns out that Neige is completely "what you see is what you get", and that really threw me off. I'm not the only one. I'm not the only one. Other fic writers in this fandom like LeaderPinhead have said that they thought the same thing.

While it's fine that Yana never went in that direction, she never did anything with his character either. He's just a cardboard cutout for Vil to sneer at and literally nothing else. It's so bad that Vil ironically is the better Snow White analog. Vil is similar to her personality wise, being hardworking, adaptable, assertive and at times kind. He has plenty of flaws like being overly domineering, being too blunt and harsh among other things, but that's a good thing. Those negative traits only make him feel like a real person and a modern male version of Snow White. Neige's similarities are limited to only his looks. His backstory makes no sense and comes right out of nowhere. (Seriously, why wasn't he and the dwarves taken in by Child Protective Services, if he was a minor in modern times?) That's such a waste to me. Neige is the antagonist of the Pomefiore arc, so there should be more to him than that.

However, if I wrote this story, I would do just that. Make Vil the one based on Snow White and Neige is based on the Evil Queen, being like Maurice Cole from Black Butler.

While I haven't read Black Butler, from what I heard from one of my friends and after watching a summary video of the Public School Arc, Cole is Redmond's helper (not using the manga's term because it's a slur). He has a cutesy demeanor, coming off as courteous and polite. He is beloved in the school. Behind closed doors, he's the worst, and, in all honesty, is like a modern version of the Evil Queen. He's a vain asshole, who hates hard work, and frequently leaves his duties to those beneath him. He is willing to resort to underhanded methods to get what he wants. When someone does something better than him, he will make sure to knock them down.

Why couldn't Neige be more like that? Don't get me wrong. I don't think Neige should've been a copy and paste of that other character. Hell, I would argue that differentiating them is a good thing. Not only to change things up, but according to that same friend, he's boring and lazily written. Plus, I don't see Neige doing one of Cole's despicable actions being ever greenlit by Disney. But I think giving Neige some of those same traits would be a step in the right direction. That way he would have a personality and be an actual threat to Vil.

I have seen a lot of people say similar things about their expectations for Neige actually.

Thank you for your take.

You've made a very thoughtful entry here, and I will leave it mostly for others to read and respond to because I think this is an interesting conversation to be had.

My own thoughts are short, that I definitely like the idea of Neige being more characterized so that he can be more of, you know, a character, but I never really liked the idea of him being secretly nasty. I feel like there's too much stock in the corruption of innocence and really would like to have a character as straightforward and just nice as Snow White was--though to be fair we do have Kalim already so people might not want another character too similar to him. In any case maybe a fun idea would be Vil being paranoid about Neige like "No one of his celebrity is that nice!" and part of his beef with him is being annoyed by the idea that Neige is just that genuine. TWST fails at making much out of that rivalry though. With Yana's writing history for Black Butler and such I don't blame people for thinking there should have been a darker side here.