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asukaskerian · 1 year

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peddling svsss (spoilers abound)

lovingthatofficeyfeel: ok. Now try to sell me on SVSSS because I read the summary and go 'nope, nope, nope icky power dynamics do not want, nooooope' because if it is not that I am also amenable (Book summary: "Half-demon Luo Binghe rose from humble beginnings and a tortured past to become unrivaled in strength and beauty. With his harem of over three hundred wives, and dominion over both the human and demonic realms, he is truly the most powerful protagonist—in a trashy web novel series!

At least, that's what Shen Yuan, online alias "Peerless Cucumber," believes as he finishes reading the final chapter in Proud Immortal Demon Way. But when a combination of rage and a poor meal choice leads to his death, Shen Yuan finds himself reborn into the world of the web novel, in the body of Shen Qingqiu—the beautiful but cruel teacher to a young Luo Binghe.

Although as Shen Qingqiu, he now has incredible power and abilities as a cultivator, he’s destined to be horrifically punished for crimes against the protagonist, so this new Shen Qingqiu has only one course of action: get into Luo Binghe’s good graces before the young man’s rise to power. That’s the only way he’ll escape the awful fate of a true scum villain!")

lovingthatofficeyfeel: ^ like based on that summary, I would never read that light novel on my own

Askerian: oh man yeah it makes it sound like grooming as fuck Askerian: grooosssss

lovingthatofficeyfeel: exactly! lovingthatofficeyfeel: its like this for most of the danmei!

Askerian: it's not like that at ALL

lovingthatofficeyfeel: which is why I want to know why people like it so much

Askerian: ok first of all, the guy he's stuck inside of is a high ranking ice bitch, so he has to speak that way too, BUT! he's a huge nerd inside! Askerian: the contrast between the speech and the narration is sometimes completely hilarious Askerian: also. his screen name peerless cucumber is a dick joke. and the book author's airplane shooting toward the sky is also a dick joke Askerian: this guy is the kind of oblivious demisexual who will read a 600+ chapters harem story for the worldbuilding

Askerian: and the protagonist! he LOVES the main character, so he also looks favorably upon him getting everything life owes him including sex, he supposes, but! none of his wives LOVE HIM PROPERLY. hm. let's flame the author over that. Askerian: anyway so then he lands himself in the body of a teacher to a 14 year old abused kid. who is a kid! and a very adorable kid. yeee time to spoil the shit out of him Askerian: the issue there is that there's a system/game manager forcing plot points and assigning quests and no matter what he does some things must happen, such as his betraying his poor clingy baby student so that he can rise magnificently from a hell dimension and take his place as a demon king Askerian: so when his adorable little student comes back Pissed and starts doing things that look very similar to what happened in the book just before murdering his evil teacher, he starts running. but he also really wants to help his student survive and even thrive! but also, not die in the process PLEASE.

Askerian: meanwhile luo binghe went from abused by sensei to spoiled by sensei to "i will marry sensei when i grow up" to "STOP RUNNING FROM ME AND EXPLAIN"

Askerian: main character can't explain, btw. he'd die.

lovingthatofficeyfeel: ahahahahahahah OMG lovingthatofficeyfeel: see THIS, this is my shit lovingthatofficeyfeel: this sounds freaking God Tier hijinks humour

Askerian: it's so damn fun XD

lovingthatofficeyfeel: you should write the summaries for seven seas' danmei books

Askerian: also the System sells "small scenario pushers" for points Askerian: guy "what's that, ok, let's buy, maybe it'l save my life" => WHY DID I END UP HALF NAKED AND DRENCHED Askerian: luo binghe : hhhhhhh 🍆

lovingthatofficeyfeel: ahahahaha omg, wet hanfu Saves Lives XD

Askerian: shen yuan: idk what distracted him but time to run Askerian: luo binghe: D:< wAIT STOP BEING NAKED AROUND MY LOVE RIVALS shen yuan: oh no he wants to kill me twice as much Askerian: he's Oblivious (tm)

lovingthatofficeyfeel: omg. 'oblivious demi-sexual keeps running away from future-demon-king trying to seduce him'

Askerian: yiss

lovingthatofficeyfeel: this is a fanfic plot in the best way

Askerian: YISS. Askerian: i kinda love luo binghe's character too tbh. he's so nice! but he's such a yandere sometimes Askerian: i mean, nice. :X Askerian: "my fantasy life is to be my master's little housewife and i will burn down the world to make it happen" dude :X

lovingthatofficeyfeel: honestly, good on him for having balanced life goals XD

Askerian: as a kid he's adorable but also already "i hear what you said! i understand it! gonna do what i felt was right tho" Askerian: after he's been given unconditional love by sensei!!!!! but also betrayed by sensei!!! he doesnt know which way is up anymore. it's kinda clear that in the book he was from, his original version was using "seduction and sex with this random new girl that will disappear from the plot in five chapters" to paper the holes Askerian: like, couldn't trust anybody's love because he never had any, but desperately needed it. Askerian: this one's had a taste before, and doesn't know what he must have done to lose it, but he will fix it!! but only sensei will do Askerian: main character keeps expecting him to hook up with dozens of girls and it never happens and he's ?? while also totally missing all the admirers HE is gathering Askerian: also issues because he's a half demon, and sensei said he thought good demons must exist, but he was still rejected on reveal, so does that mean "there can be good demons but you're not one" Askerian: and since he's naturally smooth and it easily goes into manipulation, everything he does or say, sensei takes it as some underhanded threat or plot! he was a demon king in the book ok?! Askerian: book him was NOT nice Askerian: anyway a REALLY fun read

Askerian: though don't expect the sex scene to be good because it's a half-feral "fixing you via magic sex" and he canonically has huge meat :X Askerian: and since he has ZERO experience it uh, goes badly Askerian: tbh the author's gift does not lie with sexy porn

but tbf the point of the scene was NOT to be sexy, soooo...

#svsss #i fell into it now i'm taking all of you bastards with me

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thedeliverygod · 1 year

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Thoughts on recent chapters

I feel like it's been a while since I've made a longer post and I've just sort of shouted about a few random things here and there and I slept most of this afternoon so I have energy to spare lol

Firstly we start with... that. Hiyori. Where do we go from here?

A lot of people have looked into this and I pretty much agree with most takes.

Yato makes her his shinki. But it comes with a bag of questions now that we know a gods greatest secret is survivable per Nana and Kazuma (Yukine & Nora I consider outliers because they have names given by the koto no ha which sort of seals off their ayakashi devolving process--though I do think at this point even if the name Hagusa were removed Yukine would be fine. Nora it's a bit harder to speculate because this has always been her situation). Hiyori is known to multiple gods and shinki throughout heaven. Her very existence makes the gods greatest secret a giant problem unless Yato keeps her away from, well, pretty much everyone except gods and the shinki listed above. Because there's no standard way to know for sure if a shinki will be able to handle to knowledge; because it *is* survivable doesn't mean they will survive it.

Deification. If Tenjin can be deified because he has anger issues then Hiyori can be deified too for better reasons. Honestly. I don't know what it would take to make this happen but @pentamerous brought up the fact about her and Yato's emas being tied and blessed by Okuninushi so idk if that could be factored into this equation maybe?

The "bad" ending-- Hiyori is just dead and no far shore methods are used to 'revive' her. In this scenario I see Grandma Iki being fucking pisseddddd that Hiyori died literally a few days after her and being like wtf are you doing here??? lol. But that's just me and my comedic relief speaking.

Hiyori isn't actually dead because everything in Father's "new world" is an illusion.

The 4th option is tricky but I believe it holds validity. I made a post a while back I think Father's new world sort of strips everyone down to how they view them selves/their deepest insecurities/their most basic form if that makes sense. At least that's theory 1.

This is why Yato is a child (he often views himself as a child in his most insecure moments, relating back to the awful crimes he committed as a kid, but also for emotionally insecure moments such as realizing other humans would be the ones to 'truly' save Hiyori after the hospital incident.) This is why Nora is in her sort of 'snake' form that she hates.

Yukine is an outlier though which I've brought up before. Clearly he's an ayakashi wolf but why is he suddenly a wolf? In his 2 ablutions and and before he was named by Father, he was transforming into a sort of bat/bird type of ayakashi. While he was battling with Yato under his name of Hagusa, however, he did sort of start a wolf transformation and we all made cat boy jokes until his wolf form appeared more recently.

Theory 2 is that literally everything in this "new world" of Father's is under his control and all the visuals are to match. Which sort of matches to what he says despite the fact he says he can't totally make it "bend to his will". He sees Yato as the child he can manipulate. He sees Nora as the ayakashi girl he 'saved' but has outgrown his use for. Yukine he also saw as another one of his tools, much like the wolf ayakashi Father seems to favor, so maybe that's where the wolf form came from? Though that doesn't quite explain the partial transformation before but -shrug-. Of course he wants to see Kaya and he *does* but she's a mangled yomi version of herself, aka not what he wants. But she's long dead.

As Yato is talking with Father about Kaya and sort of trying to understand/reason with him, Father transitions into hinting towards talking about Hiyori. "Who do you see Izanami as?" and then mentions that she's somehow there and that he should be "happy to get to see her. However, as this is happening, Father is sort of manipulating a wave of water which is what reveals Hiyori and the Sakura tree she's under.

The question is, is she really there? Is he able to use her image accurately because she's still alive if it is an illusion? If it's not an illusion, is there some sort of rules that can be broken/amended in terms of bringing Hiyori back to life without pissing off Amaterasu/Heaven? After all, Father's "new world" is not exactly yomi, heaven, or Earth. And we know Father has basically broken all of heaven's rules to begin with.

Lastly, we have the topic of Yato's reaction. We were teased with his aramitama when Yukine was in the box. Now Hiyori is "dead" and Yukine is half dissolved into the ground. I think it's only fair father has the 'monster' he created turned back on him tbh but I also don't want Yukine to see Yato acting like a demon for lack of better words since they just made up and the poor kid is traumatized enough.

bonus question: where the fuck is Bishamon because her twin pistol shinki (Kazuha and Karuha) are fighting the weird ayakashi in the most recent chapter with the god squad and their shinki???

and she specifically only had Kuraha and Kinuha when she was calling out for Kazuma and reunited with him. And it's weird for her youngest shinki to just be by themselves????? the only reasoning I can think of is Amaterasu literally summoned all the damn shinki from heaven when it was raining shinki in the earlier chapter but maybe Bishamon will literally be on the next page or so in the 2nd part of the chapter and it will make sense given that context.

#noragami #noragami spoilers

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jadenightthewriter · 1 year

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HI HI I am talking abt the au bc my dad woke me up even though I don't have to be up for another 2 hours <3

SO. It is exactly what it says on the tin. Something rewinds time seconds before they find out who boy 412 is. And only the ppl who were on the bridge remember. Why does this happen well idk I uh. Haven't thought abt that <3 potentially the ring wizards being fucky. Anyway this is mostly fine for everyone because they're just. Back at their homes. Marcia takes the longest to realise she's not going insane but that's only bc she lives alone and when alther shows up like what the fuck was that. Then she realises. Marcia pretty much immediately takes action against the custodian because she was afraid to before because of The Consequences but domdaniel becoming eow is the alternative so. The first thing she does is shut down the young army because fuck all that shit and also because they are all extremely worried about boy 412. They try to find him but the only record of a "boy 412" that the ya has says he died 2 years ago at age 14 which obviously isn't right so they have to stop lookig for a little while bc. Things happen (the custodian realises what's happening and lashes out) and marcia is distracted for like a month. The heaps temporarily move into the wizard tower for safety. They shut down the custodian of course and reveal jenna as the princess and everything calms down and marcia is IMMEDIATELY back to searching for boy 412.

And he has been having kind of an awful time <3 when he was suddenly back in the young army he was upset for a few seconds but then went well. Of course none of that was real. That was far too much to hope for. And became even more depressed than he had been when he was in the ya before. He stops eating and doesn't drink very much and is rlly slow to follow orders and if it weren't for marcia shutting down the ya he would have died. He still nearly does bc the orphanages they all get sent to r so busy that no one notices anythings wrong until he faints one day seemingly out of nowhere. And then he ends up in hospital bc he still won't eat (do they have hospitals???? Idk they do now). And marcia finds him there <3 bc she had. Suspected. That he had perhaps lied about being "boy" 412 mostly bc he always looked rlly happy when they called him that or used he/him for him and that's a little bit odd if u r cis. So once everything calms down she goes to look for a girl 412 and well. Yeah she finds him and is very worried and upset and under the excuse of "the wizard tower sick bay could provide better care" she takes him home with her. And actually takes him to the sick bay bc he rlly does look ill and also hasn't been eating or drinking At All. And the sick bay concludes there is nothing physically wrong with him and as long as he just. Eats food normally from now on he should be fine. And then he gets to move in with Marcia <3 and most of the heap kids r there also bc they love hanging out in her apartment and messing with her belongings. There is slightly more to this but I'm leaving it here so I can go back to sleep <33

ohhhhhhh this is absolutely glorious I would have more thoughts but it’s been a long day so the only thing in my brain is “ooooooooh”

#septimus heap

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lotusthewriter · 1 year

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Papercut

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: T

Relationships: Steven & Lars; MINOR - Steven & The Cool Kids, Steven & Sadie, Lars/Sadie

Characters: Steven Quartz Universe, Lars Barriga, The Cool Kids, Sadie Miller; MENTIONED - The Crystal Gems, Connie Maheswaran

Summary: Steven has been feeling anxious and he realizes it gets worse when he's alone. So, he tries not to be.

Word count: 3.965

AO3

A/N: Originally published online last week, I just didn't get to post here. This is mainly me venting my anxiety attacks as of late.

I also personally see Steven having BPD, just throwing this here if anyone finds it relevant.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - anxiety and/or panic attacks, hallucination, emotional neglect, abandonment issues, self-hatred, and brief mention of suicidal thoughts.

DO NOT SHIP LARS AND STEVEN.

P/roship DNI.

“Anxiety”.

A word Connie has mentioned. It’s a medical term that she taught Steven after what happened to them as Stevonnie. Connie, with her mother’s knowledge, took Garnet’s advice to heart and she gets to manage her anxiety whenever it hits.

Two years later, Steven still hasn’t been able to feel better.

Flexibility, love, and trust.

Flexibility,

Love,

And

TRUST.

Steven glows pink instead.

Thus, he goes to Garnet to ask for more tips, to know if she could try to help… but the gem tells Steven that he’s the only one who knows the answers. That he should seek them himself. Pearl and Amethyst, who wait for Garnet to head out to Little Homeschool for yet another fieldtrip, agreed indifferently.

Steven can’t even say anything before the three of them are gone in the light of the warp pad, so bright that he feels like it’s going to attack him.

Then, everything is empty.

He only stares at the void like he’s fourteen again.

Just that worsens the ache in his chest, his pink fists clutching his shirt.

Steven rushes back to his safe place, his room, before things get ugly and he goes ballistic, and he grabs his phone to do some research on anxiety. He finds quite a lot of resources.

Since then, he’s trying.

With the gems away to who knows where, and his father also out of town, Steven tries to get by on his own.

(As usual.)

…

But nothing works.

Steven does everything correctly. List five things you can sense. Distract yourself with things you like – watch a movie or a series or funny videos, read a book, listen to music or even podcasts. Breathe. Hug your pillow. Hang out with your friends–

Oh.

He… hasn’t done that in a while.

Steven can’t, though. Everyone is busy and it’s not like they should stop what they’re doing to be with him, right? Right.

Distract yourself.

Distract yourself…

Suddenly, a notification.

New texts… from Lars? How long has it been since they last talked? Maybe he needs help with something?

Anyway.

Lars: hey steven, it’s been a while right?

Lars: idk if your busy, but sadie and the cool kids are back in town and we thought of making a lil party

Lars: i know it’s kinda in the last hour so it’s ok if you can’t make it or if you don’t wanna go, but it’d be rlly cool if you came

Lars: but it’s your call of course

Steven looks at the above, wondering if this was predestined. It feels too perfect.

He hasn’t seen his friends in forever.

He types quickly:

Steven: omg I’d love to!!

Steven: I miss you guys sooo much

(Why does it feel like a lie, somehow?)

Lars: aw, we miss ya too buddy

Lars: i miss you coming to the BD to bug me every morning (followed by a pleading emoji)

Steven: Gee, Captain Lars, didn’t know you loved me that much (eyes emoji)

Lars: i was joking.

Steven: Were you really? :3

Lars: ok now your making me regret inviting you

Steven: Noooooo, come on!!

Lars: lmao

Lars: srsly now. 8 at my place, ok?

Steven: Perfect! I’ll see you there! ^^

Lars: (finger gun emojis)

Steven sighs, feeling so… light all of a sudden. Just this one interaction with Lars seems to have calmed him down a little.

The half-gem feels relieved. So relieved.

He can actually get out there and have fun with his friends, catch up with their lives, laugh together, share something tasty to eat…

(And he gets to distract himself from his rising dread.)

(To finally not be reminded how painfully alone he is.)

Well, it’s still 2 PM. From what Dad told him, Sadie and the Cool Kids are going to arrive at 6 PM… so Steven still needs to do something else to keep his mind busy. Maybe cook or bake something for the party. He doesn’t remember Lars mentioning a potluck, but Steven wants to do something nice for his friends nonetheless.

What is he going to cook or bake, then?

…

Or maybe…

“... don’t tell me I inspired you with my nostalgia.”

“You could say that,” Steven smirks at Lars’ statement, while holding two huge boxes of donuts with all the flavors he could remember his friends enjoying. As well as…

“You brought salad, too?” Sadie notices, almost wanting to laugh.

“Yeah, like Buck ordered once.”

“Heh, I appreciate your dedication, Steven.” Buck pats his back proudly.

“We miss our favorite roadie,” Sour Cream says, ruffling the younger boy’s curly hair.

Steven’s heart, instead of anguish, is filled with warmth.

“Awe, you guys are going to make me cry,” he jokes.

“Us too! This was so sweet of you, Steven,” Jenny compliments. “I’m glad you could make it!”

“I know every friend says this and it doesn’t always happen… but we should really hang out more,” Buck says, in his same stoic expression. “I love you guys.”

“Yeah, same,” Steven grins affectionately.

It’s a much more casual party this time, which is the best kind of party after such busy times. Lars’ backyard is lit by those small, spherical yellow lights, and everyone sits by the huge picnic table that replaces Lars’ trampoline. Besides the donuts, you can see Lars’ pastries, and apparently snacks that Sadie and the Cool Kids brought from their last tour.

They sing and play some songs together, they laugh at the stories from concerts, outer space, and Little Homeworld… Steven gets to hear more about their lives and how happy they are.

But most importantly, they’re very happy to share it with him.

Which is such an honor.

Steven is genuinely having a good time.

Perhaps the first time in so long…

He’s so happy to be a part of this.

…

The boy’s phone vibrates in his pocket.

He casually checks it, not bothered by it interrupting his immersion in the party. He’s not expecting much, when…

He sees that it’s the gems.

Steven and his family have countless groups for Little Homeschool, and then they have their own private group, just the four of them.

Pearl has sent him a rather quick and dry text informing him of their absence for the next…

Two months.

…

Two months.

Two.

Months.

And no, Steven can’t do anything to stop it.

Because he tries to text them. He sends a million desperate texts.

And his pleads are never answered. And they will never be, because the messages aren’t even sent .

He goes to all their private numbers, and nothing.

Steven calls them, to no avail. There’s not even the option for voicemail.

Bismuth, Lapis, and Peridot are on their own separate fieldtrips as well, so it’s useless to try to call them.

No one is reachable.

No one.

“... Steven. Steven?”

The half-gem only gets a little startled at Lars standing next to him, and bearing the most concerned expression Steven has seen him with. He also realizes everyone else has stopped talking.

“O-Oh, sorry,” he laughs nervously, quickly putting away his phone. “It was nothing.”

“Is everything okay?” Jenny asks.

“You looked like someone died,” Sour Cream observes, also worried.

“No, no, nobody died.” Well, except Lars , Steven would’ve darkly added. “It’s– It’s fine.”

“Are you sure?” Sadie questions.

“Yeah.” Steven’s dread returns to his chest, his hands beginning to shake. He hides them in his pockets, which doesn’t help since he feels his cell phone and it’s the thing that ruined everything. He’s doing everything not to turn pink. “I’m sure,” he mumbles.

Everyone looks at one another, unsure. Steven wants to scream.

“Hey,” Lars whispers, putting a hand on Steven’s back. “Do you want to go inside a bit?”

The latter hates that he likes the soothing touch, yet he’s also afraid the former is going to notice Steven is shaking, so he dodges it much to his own dismay.

“It’s okay, Lars,” Steven mumbles, wanting to cry.

He avoids everyone’s eyes, his hand almost crushing his phone into pieces inside his pocket. He’d love to throw this darned thing into the depths of the ocean.

“Sorry, I ruined the moment, didn’t I?” Steven laughs darkly.

“No, Steven, it’s okay,” Sadie reassures him. “You don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to, okay?”

“Yeah, man, no worries,” Sour Cream agrees.

Despite that, the party does grow a little quieter. It feels like the emptiness of his house.

Of course. He screwed everything up. Again.

Now they don’t want anything to do with him.

(Like the gems. Like everyone else.)

Steven at least gets to resume his laugh and his smiles, because he’s always been so good at them.

Time goes by…

And they start leaving.

Because obviously, nothing lasts forever.

Jenny is the first one who leaves, and she gives Steven the biggest hug. It doesn’t smell like pizza anymore, instead it’s a sweet scent. It’s different but nice. But too quick.

Sour Cream and Buck leave together. The former sidehugs Steven, while the latter gently tells him to take care of himself, and to always count on them whenever he needs. Steven smiles and nods, without any honesty.

Lastly, Sadie, Lars, and Steven… the original trio. It’s been so long, Sadie and Lars are a lot more comfortable around each other nowadays, holding hands under the table. Steven would’ve fanboyed at another time when he sees Sadie casually kissing Lars’ cheek, causing her boyfriend to go pinkier than what should be possible.

Sadie’s hug, though, is longer than everyone else’s goodbyes.

“It was nice seeing you, Steven,” she grins with some melancholy. “Don’t forget we love you, okay?”

Steven doesn’t believe her, but he plasters a smile on his face just to please her.

“Okay,” he replies simply.

Sadie is convinced, and walks away.

Finally, it’s just him.

The only one left.

Lars is quiet.

Steven knows what he’s going to say.

And before Lars does, the sixteen-year-old puts his distraction in action.

“Oh, do you need help cleaning?” He asks.

“Uh, there’s… not a lot to do.”

“Yeah, but like, I could help with the trash.”

“Steven, it’s fine.”

“No, really, I–”

“Why don’t you go home and rest?” Lars isn’t even being rude, he’s genuinely suggesting it because he can tell Steven isn’t fine.

But going home is not going to help.

It’s the last thing Steven needs.

“Don’t worry, Lars, I can do this!” Steven grins widely and already moves to the table to take the remains of food and plastic, as well as the donut boxes.

He can hear Lars sighing in the back.

(Steven hates himself. Obviously Lars doesn’t want him here.)

(But Steven can’t go back.)

(He can’t go back.)

Indeed, there’s not a lot of work to do. Lars washes whatever dishes he needed for the baking part, while Steven takes care of the trash. There are huge trash bins in the yard, so he easily finishes the job.

… it’s over.

He does more.

Steven seeks out any trash he can find to fill the larger bin, both in the kitchen and the restroom.

“Dude, what are you doing?” Lars asks from afar.

“I’m helping!”

“But you’re done taking out the stuff from the party, aren’t you? Why are you taking out the trash from my house?”

“Because I want to help!”

Before Steven can go back outside, Lars stops him with a frowning face.

“Steven, you’re not okay,” the latter states seriously. “You need to go home.”

“No, I don’t.”

“I think you do. I don’t know what happened that you saw earlier, but you need to rest.”

“I don’t need rest.”

“Oh, you don’t?” Lars sounds sarcastic. “Like you’re not obsessively looking for stuff to do?”

“I’m not doing that!” Steven defends.

“Yeah, and I bet you’re not going to clean all the restrooms next. Or the windows. Or my entire bedroom–”

“Oh, haha , you are SO hilarious,” Steven rolls his eyes and tries to go outside again, only for Lars to step forward to make him go back. “Lars, let me go,” Steven warns.

“Will you at least tell me what’s going on?”

“I have nothing to say to you.”

“Alright, then go home.”

“No.”

“Don’t make me throw you inside my head myself.”

Steven boils. “Just let me do this for you, Lars!”

“I’m telling you you don’t have to!” Lars raises his voice.

“But I want to!”

“And I want you to be okay!”

“But I AM OKAY!”

“You wouldn’t be YELLING at me if you were!”

Steven growls in frustration, “Just let me go outside!”

“NO!”

He has had it.

The half-gem pushes Lars aside harshly, to the point of knocking the latter over, and Steven is too distraught to apologize for it. He rushes outside in the peaceful night.

“STEVEN!” Lars yells from inside the kitchen.

He just needs to do this.

He needs to distract himself, distract, distract, distract–

Steven opens the bin–

Noise.

Light.

Too much.

A swarm of white butterflies comes out of the trash bin, flying so loudly and so close that Steven falls backwards.

No.

Not them.

Not them again.

No. No. NO. NO. NO.

He thought he had it under control. He thought he would be okay. He thought…

Steven hides.

That’s all he can do.

He’s alone, alone, alone, alone.

(And he deserves it.)

…

“... can you hear me? Steven! Steven !”

He’s panting furiously, violently.

“Make it go away!” Steven cries.

“Make what go away?”

“EVERYTHING!”

He half regrets yelling, but Steven knows the butterflies are there, and no one else does.

“Steven…”

“Too much,” Steven speaks in between gasps, “too much, it’s too much, I-I can’t take this anymore!”

At this point, he’s aware that he’s pink and he can’t repress it any longer. It’s consuming his every thought, every part of his body.

“I can’t… I can’t…” Steven heaves.

Whoever is there must have left, right?

Steven is helpless. Hopeless.

…

“Steven, can I touch you?”

Oh… they’re still there.

“Is that okay?” They ask.

Steven doesn’t want to look back. He doesn’t want to see it all.

But…

“... y-yeah,” he hiccups, “okay.”

“Okay. I’m just- gonna help you sit, alright? Are you hurt?”

Steven shakes his head, unsure if it was meant to answer the question.

Either way, he feels hands on him, at first trying to remind Steven that they’re real. The hands are gentle. Scarred, rough, but gentle and slow. Their long fingers are a history of cooking cuts. Steven doesn’t know how he can tell all these details, but he does.

“Easy…” the sixteen-year-old is gradually being moved to sit.

But he knows that he’ll be closer to the butterflies.

“WAIT!” Steven yells in panic.

“What?” The other person stops immediately, but still gets a hold on him.

“I-I don’t want… I don’t…” Steven can’t even say the right words, so they come out as, “I don’t wanna die…”

Well, they’re still kind of true.

“Hey, you’re not going to die.”

“I don’t want to…”

“You’re not. I’m here,” Lars – Lars Barriga, perhaps the best person to deal with someone in this situation – promises. “I’m here, Steven.”

You’ve got nothing to fear

I’m here, I’m here, I’m here.

…

Whimpering.

“I don’t wanna go home.”

He gets silence.

“I d-don’t wanna go h-home,” Steven cries like a little kid after a nightmare. “I-It’s so… empty… so…”

“Lonely?”

Steven nods painfully.

“You’re not going to be alone, okay? I won’t let that happen.”

Lars sounds so sure, and the way he’s rubbing Steven’s shoulders… it brings the latter shivers. The good kind of shivers.

And tears. So many of them. All the tears that he has swallowed and never released them.

Steven clings to his friend, who squeezes him in return, the hug as rough and tender as his mere touch.

“I’ve got you, buddy,” Lars reassures him. “I’m not going anywhere.”

It only makes Steven sob harder, purely out of relief. It’s so ironic, but so true.

He cries for a good couple of minutes or hours, smelling vanilla and butter in Lars’ clothes, not minding the dirty apron the baker is wearing at all. Steven wants to absorb that smell and make it his home, because it feels so safe that he doesn’t want it to go away. He doesn’t want the hands to let him go ever again.

And it feels like Lars wants to protect him from the world, from whatever horrible thing that made Steven like this. Even if he can’t see the butterflies, Lars still seems to shield Steven from them.

Just that has the half-gem finally face reality, finding the butterflies roaming there, endlessly coming out of the trash bin. As Steven expected.

However, with Lars holding him right now, Steven doesn’t feel so overwhelmed anymore.

So… this is what he needed.

He gets now.

Thus, the butterflies finally end and they fly to the sky above, replacing the stars. They will never disappear, as he already knew.

Steven relaxes significantly, like he’s going to pass out in the hug. He lets out a shaky breath while Lars hugs him tightly in response, knowing that it’s the perfect kind of tightness for Steven.

Lars also breathes in and out deeply, squeezing the boy some more.

“Come on,” he whispers, “let’s go inside.”

This time, Steven accepts it, glowing pink and everything.

“... I’m sorry,” he sniffs. “I’m sorry I snapped at you like that.”

Lars sighs, but in regret. “I’m sorry, too. For being a jerk to you.”

Neither of them give excuses.

Steven contemplates the night sky from the skyscrapers, aware he can see the butterflies from there. In the meantime, Lars holds him as Steven has no energy left to cling.

“I hate feeling like this,” the younger teen vents, “it just keeps getting worse with time.”

“So you’ve had this before?”

Steven nods. “I-I’ve tried everything to make it better. Garnet taught me and Connie how to deal with our problems, and it worked for Connie… but not for me. And I asked Garnet for help, but instead she just gave me a life lesson and Pearl and Amethyst didn’t even care, and they LEFT ME without ANYTHING!” Steven snaps, only for him to cover his mouth and freeze, scared he might have startled Lars.

Lars, however, doesn’t look scared of him at all.

Instead, sad. Maybe angry, but not at Steven.

“So yeah, I’m expected to do everything on my own, I’m used to it!” Steven continues, more furious. “I looked it up online, since Connie told me about ‘anxiety’, and I did everything they taught me to manage it, but nothing soothes my chest, nothing calms me down… I think I only felt good when you invited me, and I got to see you guys again. I haven’t felt this happy in so long, a-and then OBVIOUSLY, something always has to RUIN it for me.”

He tears up again, his eyes burning pink and red.

“I-I… I got a text from the gems that they’re going to be gone for two months , a-and I couldn’t reach them. Because they’d already left. EVERYONE left. T-They all left me .”

Lars doesn’t say anything, choosing to hug Steven closer, nuzzling his black curls, doing everything to make sure Steven feels loved and cared for.

“Why does everyone leave me?” The half-gem asks.

Except Steven knows why.

He’s selfish. Useless. Clingy.

He doesn’t say any of these things, yet Lars pulls away just slightly with a stern look.

“Steven,” the older teen begins seriously, “listen to me, you don’t deserve to be abandoned, okay? No kid in the world deserves to be abandoned or neglected; they deserve to be reminded every single day that they’re loved in all the ways possible. You didn’t fail anyone by existing. I know everyone out there”– Lars gestures at the above –“made you believe that, but they’re WRONG.”

There’s some kind of ferocity in Lars’ words, the same one Steven heard back when the boys were abducted to Homeworld – firstly when Lars refused to leave the ship without Steven, and then when he convinced Steven to return home instead of sticking with Lars and the Off Colors.

A sense of protection, perhaps.

Steven feels warm inside, which he feels ashamed of for some reason, and at the same time it hurts. Which makes no sense, because it’s the good kind of hurt. What kind of hurt is good?

Still, the glowing boy’s eyes are only filled with more water.

Noticing that, Lars gently wipes some of it for him.

“You don’t have to be useful, Steve,” he says tenderly. “You don’t have to be self-sufficient, you don’t have to be strong all the time. You deserve to have someone, and you deserve to have someone when you feel the whole weight of the galaxy crushing you.”

Steven sniffs, contemplative.

Lars’ words are believable. Steven has always trusted him, and has always thought the world of him. Steven loved Lars from the beginning, embracing every little part of him, the weight that he also carried.

Still… one question keeps haunting Steven every single day, every single night.

“... do you think they would treat my mom like this if I weren’t here?”

Lars immediately tenses, immobile like a doll. Not a corpse, but a doll.

Steven, admittedly, asked that to himself. He knows Lars won’t have the answers. He can’t speak for the gems. It feels cruel to Lars, who’s just trying his best to help a friend in need.

The silence this time is not comforting. Steven fears he ruined everything again.

“Steven?” Lars suddenly sounds… fragile.

When the younger boy looks up, he sees a teary Lars already staring back.

“I love you,” the latter tells him.

The broken way he says it…

“Whenever you feel unloved, whenever you feel alone or whenever the gems fuck off to wherever they go without a trace,”– Steven’s eyes widen at the word choice –“I want you to remember that I love you, and that you’re always welcome here. There’s always food and life here, no emptiness at all. And you can always go see me at Spacetries and we can have a coffee and chat like the old days, or if we can’t see each other in person for any reason, you can call me. I can always teleport, too. I can do literally anything to help you, Steven, and I want to help you, because I love you , okay?”

Lars is cupping his cheeks like they’re precious, wiping Steven’s tears and crying his own. Like Lars is the one crying for him now, feeling his pain for him.

“I’m here for you. I’ll always be here, no matter how, no matter what,” he insists.

Steven is too speechless to react.

He realizes, though…

He stops glowing pink.

And he forgets everything else, with how genuine Lars’ love is.

Steven merely lies down against his friend, who covers him properly with his blanket. Lars caresses the boy’s black hair, in the same way that Steven has always craved for, even if it reminded him of bad memories.

It’s perfect just the way it is. Perfect in every way, just like you.

He doesn’t want Lars to ever stop.

He doesn’t want this to ever be gone.

But Lars won’t leave him. He will make sure Steven never feels anxious or useless on his own again.

And Steven…

“... I love you, too,” he whispers.

Lars tightens his arms around him, this time sniffing. If he cries on Steven’s head, neither of them talk about it.

It stays between them.

#steven universe #steven universe future #steven quartz universe #lars barriga #the cool kids #sadie miller #anxiety attack tw #panic attack tw #hallucination tw #suicide mention tw #suicidal thoughts tw #neglect tw #vent fic #long post #fanfiction #hurt/comfort

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reginarubie · 2 years

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Sansa managing things is my personal king of aesthetics. That's why despite her parting with Aemond made me sad I still couldn't get enough of her busy self. Lady Vance is more in awe of this girl than she lets on, I suppose. So there's of course a chance she will try make Needle her daughter-in-law for real. Ned is awesome as Lady Whent, no doubt, but she's already taken! Suddenly but quite understandably everyone is pulled towards her (look, Fallen Flowers looking like Margaery and acting even worse hit me hard, but Sansa! This queen behaviour! She suffered from so many people and didn't become them!!!) yet the only one who really matters is Aemond. Loved the way he entered the frame on Vhagar, I loved just everything about the final scene! It's more precious than a thousand of pwps, I was literally breathless — just like these dorks — and on fire. Idk how you keep doing this, but don't stop. Also, Daeron. Can he be mine? This boy is everything. THE HIGHTOWER SASS™ RIGHT HERE. The Daeron & Ned duo is definitely born to support and balance Aemond lol 😆 Daeron and the Tully lads? Top tier content, need more. Tbh I need more of everything, it's too good to be not greedy 🙃

P.S. I also need more side stories by you, this first one is so heartwarming, especially when it comes to Lady Ned's quality time with Helaena, the kids and Aemond aka Mr Possessiveness 💕

Hi Anne!,

As always thank you for your review!

Ofc at one point Sansa had to become someone unbound from the Greens even in this version of time and she needed to be away from them — especially those who are most likely to cloak over her — to let her own self shine through in the eyes of others and gather a personal footing in the world she finds herself in.

I find Fallen Flowers to be extremely tragic, and I wanted to add such a subplot because I feel like it's a matter not often discussed and I wanted to bring it to light. Fallen is a young, intelligent, beautiful woman who has been abused by those who made her feel like loving them was the only option she had to survive (read narcissist, and the choice to make the narcissist of the equation actually a woman in a position of power over her was a calculated choice meant to reflect and shadow the countless other cases that happened in the show and possibly will happen in the book, that were overlooked because it was a woman doing it to a man so it passed off as not abusive to a big slice of the fandom. Instead putting the same dynamic between woman and woman I hope actually gives an interesting, if tragic dynamic which is totally plausible and should be addressed).

I am happy you loved the final scene so much!, I was very distressed in writing, doubting it was the right timing or not, but it felt right and I am happy to see so many people enjoyed it so much!

Also...

... everything going as planned for my EVERYONE MUST LOVE DAERON AGENDA.

Glad you enjoyed the side story as well, more to come soon! As always thank you for dropping by and sending all my love ~G.

#ask the hag #kissed by fire ~ kissed by steel #firesteel #aemond targaryen #aemondxsansa #aemond/sansa #firesteel fandom #firesteel brainrot #aemondsa #sansaemond

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losingallchill · 2 years

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hear me out. beeduo divorce angst, hurt/no comfort, slow burn

WHAT THE FUCK WHY WOULD YOU SAY THIS TO ME IM THE BIGGEST BEEDUO HURT/COMFORT ENTHUSIAST EVER

just to spite you im going to make it hurt you're going to bleed this is a threat and im writing about tubbo being a widow now fuck u fuck you /lh

idk how i can make it slow burn in a quick oneshot but i will try my best o7 ... anyway here you are i suppose sobs

it's Way too long lmfao lmk if i should put it on ao3 or something ahaha i went overboard w this ask i think i accidentally made it angsty in the "mourning" way and not in the "arguments and divorce" way but like-

━━━━━━━

duo: ranboo + tubbo genre: hurt / no comfort ; slow burn warnings: swearing , angst , emotional breakdowns , insecurities , tubbo hates being alone , character death prior to fic , tubbo centric , character dream mention wc: 1.5k

it had become part of his day to drown his thoughts out at every chance that he got. from surrounding himself with loud, chattering friends, to working over twelve hours in the facilities at home, tubbo had always made his surroundings louder than the thoughts in his brain.

even when he cooked for his son, and cleaned for his husband, he occupied his mind with talking and rambling, to prevent himself from thinking. it was a habit now, a way of life.

when the news came, that his home would never be loud ever again, tubbo’s mind, for once, went blank. it was as if everything he’d ever thought of had disappeared from his brain entirely. the only sound that he could hear was a silence that was too loud, all too loud, and it filled every part of his body with panic.

technoblade, the man who had come to his house to deliver the news, gazed worryingly at him. tubbo almost wanted the other man’s eyes to be filled with his usual scorn, rather than warm pity.

his hands, which were nestled in welding gloves, began to shake, and tubbo hid them behind his back as he stared at technoblade, his mind blank.

could no one else hear it? the silence that was creeping into his house, and seeping into his chest?

“tubbo?”

there was a heavy hand on his shoulder, and tubbo flinched, stepping away from technoblade.

“don’t touch me.” he hated how his voice shook, and he hated the hollow creaking of the floors as he stepped back. everything was loud, and everything was quiet, and he wasn’t aware of anything he was doing, all he was aware of was the silence and the noise and his brain, and technoblade, standing before him, pitying him.

but even as tubbo retreated into his house, technoblade stayed outside, rustling through his pockets to find something else. the world spun, but somehow tubbo remained upright.

“he had this,” technoblade said, holding out a photograph, the sun shining off of it, so tubbo couldn’t make out what it had on it, without getting closer. “i- i don’t know who this kid is, but-”

“that’s our son.” tubbo snatched the photograph from technoblade, and glared at him. “why do you have a photo of our- of my son?”

“what- i just told you- ranboo gave it to me before he died!”

“who killed him?” tubbo demanded, the silence getting too awful to bear. he needed to keep talking. hell, he needed to keep technoblade talking. “what- what happened, exactly? tell me everything.”

technoblade looked pained, and tubbo felt, for the first time, that he wasn’t the only one missing ranboo.

of course, he wasn’t the only one to mourn ranboo. ranboo was easy going and kind to everyone. it would make sense that even a hardened criminal like technoblade, one who despised everything that tubbo used to stand for, would mourn for someone as sweet as ranboo.

“can i come in? it’s a bit of a long story.”

and tubbo realized he was standing in the doorway, and moved to the side, allowing his former enemy to grace the safety of his home.

his hands shook, and tubbo only just realized that he still had his gloves on, and his welder’s helmet, propped up on his forehead, and he went into the kitchen to lay them both on the counter, before putting a kettle on the stove- ranboo’s kettle, he mused, miserably.

everything in the kitchen was ranboo’s, and he trembled as he poured hot water into two cups, and spooned in ranboo’s loose leaf tea, and added ranboo’s sugar, and raised ranboo’s teacup to his lips.

the hot tea that flowed down into his stomach was so warm, and tubbo didn’t know why, but it made him tear up, and it made him shake and fuck he was alone.

his husband was dead, and his son was missing, and his enemy waited in the other room, a grudging mutual respect between them due to their mutual friend.

but ranboo wasn’t just his friend. and that was what made tubbo hurt the most.

he’d lost his partner, his other half, the one who was supposed to be there when he needed him. his minutes man, his husband, his son’s father, his ranboo, his ranboo, his ranboo.

technoblade was waiting patiently when tubbo was able to muster up the courage to walk in, without looking like a complete mess. he carefully set down ranboo’s teacup for techno, and took a seat on ranboo’s favorite chair.

part of tubbo didn’t want to hear about this. part of him wanted to pretend like it never happened, that ranboo was going to return, covered in ender particles, like they usually were after a long day, coming back from taking michael outside.

but the other part of tubbo wanted revenge. he wanted revenge for ranboo, he wanted to torture whoever had mercilessly killed his husband in cold blood. death was too good for the motherfucker who left him alone.

as technoblade recalled the events of what had happened, tubbo found his fists clenching, tighter and tighter. he could feel his nails digging into his palm, his ears twitching with anger.

“he was a fucking pawn.” tubbo muttered, after technoblade had fallen silent. “he- you could’ve saved him.”

and technoblade looked so sad that it made tubbo feel sick. “i tried. the warden- sam- had this idea that dream cared about ranboo. but obviously, he didn’t. it’s dream. he just laughed and ran off.”

his mind was swirling. “so. you. you watched my husband get murdered. you let out my best friend’s tormentor from jail. and you have the audacity to ask me if i want your help in rescuing my kidnapped son.”

tubbo was small, especially in comparison to technoblade, who easily towered above him, even when sitting. but in his quiet anger, he felt powerful.

“you expect me to come groveling to you for help? you executed me. i still have dreams, technoblade. the fireworks appear to me in my dreams. this-” he pointed to his bad eye, which tommy had helped him bandage up, after he came back to. “this was because of you.”

to his credit, technoblade didn’t speak.

“i hate you. i want you gone, i want you dead.” tubbo spat, rising to his feet. “get out of my house.”

and technoblade rose, silently. there was so much pity in his eyes, that tubbo felt like he was drowning. as he reached the porch, he turned around, looking down at him.

“i know how grief feels, tubbo.” technoblade told him, his gaze far away. “i’ve suffered through it time, and time again. you can blame me, if you want, but it won’t make it any easier on you. his real killer is still out there, and you can’t take him alone. you know where i live, when you want to find your son.”

tubbo replied by slamming the door shut. he could hear technoblade sigh on the other side, and the steps as the older man walked off.

retiring back into his house, tubbo collapsed to his knees, his chest burning. he still remembered ranboo’s smile as his second life was taken. he remembered when he had found ranboo in the water, after his first life was gone. the water burns had taken him weeks to patch up, and ranboo had told him, with bleary eyes, about how he didn’t remember anything that had happened.

he took the photo out of his pocket, and looked at it, looked at the photo that ranboo carried around. the room that it was taken in was just upstairs, and it was quiet now.

normally michael would be running around upstairs. the small echoes of his footsteps rang in tubbo’s head.

it was cruel, that both of them were taken from him. cruel that the universe had decided to punish him, who had nothing to do with anything that had been happening.

if prime really was up there, then prime, she must fucking hate him.

too much, this was all too much. tubbo hugged his knees close to his chest, the photograph slipping from his grasp and landing gently on the floor. his vision blurry with tears, he let out an awful sob.

and if ranboo was here, he would be patting his back, he would be okay, he would be alive and he would be tubbo’s.

but no one was there.

tubbo was sobbing in the middle of his empty house, his entire body shaking. his husband had left him, and before that, he had been locked up, and tubbo hadn’t noticed a thing.

gasping for breath, tubbo’s mind finally continued working. and it hated him.

because if he had noticed ranboo’s absence sooner, wouldn’t he be alive?

was it all his fault, for being wrapped up in his own work?

isn’t it his fault that he’s alone? what goes around comes around, after all. prime loves karma.

#ask #ctubbo angst #ctubbo #cbeeduo #dsmp oneshot #i'm sorry but it's what the people want baby !!

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inutaffy · 1 year

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here we go again. SO. JUST. all leo has to go on about being the leader at first WAS THE CARTOONS HE WATCHED AND STUFF. THE 2K12 TURTLES HAD NO CONTACT WITH THE TOPSIDE WORLD UNTIL THEY WERE LIKE 15. so all leo ever KNEW about being leader was that they were independent and indomitable and clever and skilled and FEARLESS and just so so cool, and he looked at that and said “hey!!! i wanna be just like that!! i can be just like that!!!” AND ITS. ITS SO FUCKING. IT KILLS ME. IT GENUINELY HURTS ME.

and when splinter was all “time to choose a leader… wonder who it should be….” LEO OBVIOUSLY IS ALL “ME ME ME.” and the rest is history

bc dude idk if yoU UNDERSTAND BUT MAN. leo goes INTO BATTLE with the worst (best) lines man,,,, he is so dorky,,,, im not kidding i might just go back and watch a few eps tmr just to show you. bc he says some funny stuff that just!!! it makes you go oh hey!!!! thats a kid!!! just a little guy!!! BC HE IS!!!! HE IS A 15 YEAR OLD IMITATING HIS HEROES MAN. HE JUMPS INTO A FIGHT AND GOES “HALT VILLAIN!!!!” HE GOES “…wdym?? we’re heroes this is how heroes talk.” HE GOES “alright guys! prepare to dish out the mighty wrath of justice!” BC HE IS A KID. LORD HAVE MERCY. GET HIM A NINTENDO OR SOMETHING IDK

and then the goddamn kraang show up and splinter tells him to prepare to do whatever it takes, no whatever what they have to sacrifice, and it just. THAT WAS IT. THAT WAS THE START OF IT ALL. THAT’S WHEN HE STARTED LEADING TRAINING, AND TAKING THINGS A TOUCH MORE SERIOUSLY, BC NOW HE WAS STARTING TO SEE WHAT HE COULD LOOSE. THIS WASNT LIKE SPACE HEROES. IT WASNT A GAME. AND HE SAYS “maybe i shouldn’t be leading the team.?” AND HE SAYS “i dont think i’m cut out for this sensei..” AND HE SAYS “i failed. i’m a failure. i let the guys down.” AND JUST. JUST. OUGH. FLIPPING TABLES.

i say that the season 1 kraang almost invasion was the start of it all bc i dont think everything really sinks in until leo gets reality checked within an inch of his life by fuckinf shredder at the end of s2. that was AWFUL. that was so awful… god. ugh. like that CHANGED HIM right there that SCARED HIM. HE LITERALLY SAYS “i don’t think i’ll ever be the same again..” AND HE’S RIGHT. LEO REALLY TRULY ISNT THE SAME AFTER THAT. he’s still a dork, at his core he is still a moron of course but just, he KNOWS NOW. he knows the HORRORS and again, as leader, he has to be the one to make sure it never happens again bc thats just what he’s supposed to do thats what he’s been taught. and its just so awful bc he wanted to so badly and it wasnt what he expected at all,,, he just wanted to be a hero and go on adventures with his brothers he didnt know it would get so intense and so serious so quickly he didnt know he’d loose his dad and his planet and his friends and it makes his whole character so

anywags im going to sleep now. and i typed fhis without my glasses so ignore any outrageous typos its MOT MY FAULT

damn....... the price he paid huh

#leader aint all it cracked up 2 be #sorry im thinking #hashtag psychoanalysing ur taste in fictional characters

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serene-sun · 1 year

Text

Vent-

TW: sexual assault

I was talking with my boyfriend, and somehow the convo changed to something related to sexual assault. We were just cuddling in bed and watching law and order SVU on the screen (it’s ironically my fav one bc of the characters). And we started talking, it was something along the lines of “would you press charges?” He was like “yeah of course I would.” And I wasn’t thinking and said no. I feel bad, and I feel kinda gross now bc he was naturally confused and asked me why. I didn’t know how to explain it without telling him that I had experienced that, so I just kinda sat their and continued to play on my switch. He kinda really badly wanted an answer, bc I think he had a clue of why but didn’t want to believe it.

Annnnd yeah so now he was asking me all sorts of questions about it like “did you press charges? Did you say no? Did you tell anyone? Who was it? When was it!” And I got pretty overwhelmed. I knew he was just concerned and wanted answers bc he was confused. You can’t tell me he shouldn’t of rammed me with questions, but if it was you, you would want answers too while in a panic. And now it’s so awkward and just kinda triggering, bc just thinking about it made me sick to my stomach. I had to answer them, and so I did, I tried my best, I tried to not cry but I did, I tried to make it make sense, and I tried to make him feel better bc the look on his face was horrible and terrifying. I felt and still feel, super gross and disgusting. It was a huge trigger, and I feel the same awful feeling as when it happened. Now it’s just sunken into my skin and I feel so disgusting. I feel like he doesn’t deserve to be with me. He deserves someone cleaner, more innocent. I just wanna curl into a ball and hide.

And I don’t want to exists right now, I just wanna run and hide and be the ghost I am. Thats honestly why I enjoy being on here, I have like a different life. There’s no fights or physical activity on here. I don’t have to worry about embarrassment or anything. I feel so useless, like a really bad headache all over. It’s all my fault and now it feels like he’s always staring at me, and like he’s talking about me. I feel so bad, I didn’t want to burden him with this information. I don’t want him to worry, or be angry. I’m tiered of people putting me on top of the podium and putting me in charge of everything. Can I once not have to take care of everything? It’s too much to bear in my mind, it’s too much to keep locked away.

And the whole point of this vent, is that idk what to do. Because he’s telling me that I need to press charges, that I should call the police. But I tried that when it had happened and nobody believes me so why go now? When it was so long ago? When it was so many times? Why should I care what happens to him? He’s married with kids for gods sake and I’m supposed to ruin their life’s?!

#serene sun nocontext #sorry #it’s so long

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traumatizedjaguar · 2 years

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i can’t remember it too well but i think i was either 5 or 6 when it happened. i was the older kid. i didn’t know it was wrong until an adult found out and i got in trouble for it. i still didn’t really understand why it was wrong but i trusted the adult that i did a bad thing and looking back i definitely did and i just don’t know where the idea even came from or how any of it started. i feel so bad for the other person bc they shouldn’t have had to deal with the fallout of my problems. the body memories are mostly random, if that thing pops into my mind i start feeling other weird stuff like hands on my back and stomach and my stomach turning and a feeling like i’ve been forced into something and wanting to run. the scariest one was recently when i was at a family function and i experienced an extreme arousal response around one specific person that sent me straight into a panic attack. and then i had this weird half memory of a memory from when i was like 8 or smth i just remember being in the car thinking of smth really awful involving a older boy and it made me so upset i sat and chanted to myself “forget it forget it forget it” until it actually worked and that’s pretty much it. my memory is so bad all these memories feel like dreams but i know they happened, but it still feels fake and not real. there’s some other stuff but this is the newer stuff that’s rlly been bothering me lately and it makes me feel like there’s some awful secret my brain is still keeping from me.

i do need to get therapy, these problems have been manifesting in my life in many ways since i was in middle school but it’s so shameful to talk about even to someone who’s trained to hear it and help. i can’t get the words out when i try, it’s like there’s a huge lump in my throat. thanks again for having an open ask box and a listening ear i’ve never talked to anyone about this and it helps to try and talk about it a little.

Here’s the first ask you sent^ I’m sorry to hear about what happened to you with these traumatic experiences and flashbacks in relation to it.

I would never put blame on a trauma victim regardless of how much you think you should be or what the adult said and I’m just taking from what you’ve written here and the other post I assume is yours that I carefully reread a few times each.

The adult telling you that you did a bad thing and getting you in trouble for it kind of angers me.

Adults should be more gentle with kids. And rather teach you and this other kid right from wrong otherwise they’re not doing a good job. Without much detail idk if the adult walked in on it happening in the middle of it, they wouldn’t know who initiated it or who’s to blame, such as biases (their relationship to you and this other kid) or lack of knowledge on certain topics (bullying, SA, DV) could have them blaming the wrong kid. Or if they watched the whole thing from the behinning they should’ve stopped it before it got too far between you and this other kid, separate the two of you maybe even for good or until they could trust you two together, or that adult would be untrustworthy.

Again, I’m sorry to hear about the abuse you’ve experienced from a kid near your age and someone else from when you were a bit older. Even if the first traumatic experience was with someone younger than you it doesn’t mean you were inherently at fault or responsible for it. Younger kids can be perpetrators too depending on the age gap, who initiated, and knowledge of each kid of course.

Edit: what has no sense or logic to me is when you say you agree with this adult that you were at fault for doing the bad thing, but everything you describe says the opposite.

The somatic/body flashbacks you mentioned in relation to this kid near your age back then are the re-experiencing section of PTSD and CPTSD meaning you were likely the abused.m one. Thinking about that kid near your age and the triggers into the flashbacks are normal when you suffered trauma, I get those all the time. I get emotional, arousal, and somatic memories related to incidences that happened between me and another kid when I was maybe around 4.

It’s also normal for everything to feel fake or like a dream. Especially given these happened so long ago and trauma makes us wanna forget or dissociate. I sob or have trouble talking every time I talk about my trauma from the experiences I barely remember but flashbacks to when I was around 4 and all the way up until recent events of stalking, talking about it makes me uncontrollably sob and it’s hard. That’s why I write everything down in text online but triggers or flashbacks will still happen which is my C-ptsd and sounds like yours when you think about or re-experience these memories from when you were 5/6. Panic or anxiety attacks are normal when around our abusers or triggered by something in relation to an abuser. Hypersexuality is what you’re describing as the “extreme arousal response” to a family member of yours. Our bodies tell us in many ways what trauma we’ve endured.

You’re not at fault, your trauma is valid, flashbacks are really fucking hard to deal with and I’m here for you if you need anything.

Edit: ok so I just DMed a couple people and asked them if that’s even possible to have your symptoms and yet be the perp/at fault/instigator and they all said that you, in fact, are being gaslighted by that adult (and possibly the kid depending on their stance on this as well.) Because people don’t just develop these symptoms and trauma injuries from abusing others. There’s nothing known in psychology about that even being possible. So, my answer remains that the adult is trying to manipulate you and you were never at fault for a single thing (regardless of how many people may bully you, manipulate you, or take a different stance.)

#anon #asks

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one-abuse-survivor · 7 months

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Hi ! i'm the anon with the abusive triangle fecta made of my mom, my father and my step-father and who should probably get a nickname because that's a looooooong thing to type. let's go with ballerina anon, but i can change it if you've already got a ballerina here ;). this isn't even really about my family life but more of a rant on how mistreatment is so normalized at my job idk??

__________________________

i work with 6-8yo children in summer camps and i'm also a "teacher" to form people who will work at summer camp with children. As such, i have learned the main 7 ways to mistreat children outside of the big three types of abuse (making the child follow a rhythm that's not adapted to them, or making them do activities they don't want to for example). I love what i do so much but it is so terrible to see that most animators (that's what we call my job here and i don't know the word in english) willingly mistreat the children or abuse them. I can't even report them to our superior because when i do, i get told i'm too sensitive or looking too much into things. i try to do what i can to make it better for the children, but there’s only so much i can do and my positive comments and attitude don't hold that much weight in front of the other animator constantly degrading them… My directors told me i was obviously a reference and trusted adult figure for the kids but that i should let the others have a bigger chance at connecting with the children, but what can i do ? of course children would rather give me their drawings rather than to the boy they know will make fun of it.

It's true I'm hyper protective of my kids and it probably has to do with my own history of abuse but I can't stand seeing an 18yo picking on a 6yo because she felt tired and chose to lay down calmly on the padded carpet instead of playing ball. It goes against everything I stand for. I hate that I sometimes have to choose between mistreating one child or another because my colleagues can’t be bothered to do their jobs. I shouldn’t be told i’m too sensitive because i want those kids to be treated like actual people. i shouldn’t be told i’m overreacting when i cry because this boy a whole lot bigger than me comes into my room and yells at me because i refused to let a 6yo roam around unsupervised.

i love my job, there’s no question about that. i love taking care of my kids and there’s nothing that makes me feel more useful and gratified than a 6yo looking me in the eyes on the last day going, “you know, i’m not going tonight. I’m not leaving you. Even in 200 years i’m not leaving you” or a 7yo giving me a letter so that i would not forget about her and to tell me that she loved me a lot lot lot and i’m the best teacher she’s ever had anyway. i wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world but at the same time, i’m so tired of seeing how they are treated by some other animators. At this point, i don’t even care if that’s caused by my own trauma because the kids i work with usually don’t come from a very comfortable family background and they deserve someone to actually care for them. I’m so grateful that i can help make their holidays just a little bit brighter and distract them from their problems but i wish i could do so much more.

Hey! I haven't got a ballerina anon, I'll add the tag :) I'll try to find your other post, but if you happen to have a link you could send me I'd appreciate it!

Gosh, this hits so close to home. I feel you so, so much, nonnie. Feeling helpless in the face of another adult mistreating a kid is a horrible, horrible feeling, especially when you've already done everything you can to stop it from happening and the mistreatment is not "bad"/overt enough that you can get authorities involved. It's just bad enough to make kids feel awful and scared while adults dismiss it and sometimes actively encourage it.

I know you wish you could do more, nonnie, but please never forget all that you've already done for these kids. Do you remember what it felt like to have a teacher or trusted adult who treated you with kindness and appreciation when you were a little kid going through trauma? Because I do, and it sticks with you. Years and years into the future. Even into adulthood. I still remember some of the adults that were around me when I was 6-10 and who always showed me kindness and patience. I've held on to the memory of them because they've always been living proof that those kinds of people exist and I can find them again, and be one of them myself.

You can't change a system from the inside. You can't control other people's actions. But everything you can do, you're already doing, and so much more than that. Remember to be proud of yourself for that, because you deserve to be. And who knows, maybe one of the kids who have been in your care will grow up someday and know that they want to be like you.

I hope you can find ways to take care of yourself when you're feeling burnt out from dealing with all of this.

Sending a virtual hug ❤️

#Ask #Ballerina anon #Trauma mention #Abuse tw #Child abuse tw

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living-d3ad-gh0ul · 11 months

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Tuesday 17th October 2023, 02:45am

I really should be asleep right now. But I can't seem to get comfortable and when I do, my brain just won't shut up. So here I am, writing to you. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I don't know why. I think I've been missing you a bit. Is it strange to miss you? I don't know. I'm sorry if it is.

I really hope your blood tests came back okay and everything is all well with your health. Do you know when you'll have surgery yet? I was thinking about that the other day and hoping I hadn't missed it, so I could wish you good luck for it. I'm really glad to hear that you've found a job you can do that will turn into a career too and that you can get the training for it. Has that happened yet? Or are you still waiting?

I knew you were thinking of leaving the band, and that's okay. If it's ran it's course for you, then I'm sure your bandmates will be understanding, especially if they're your friends. I really hope the last two shows went well and that you enjoyed playing them at least and I hope the last show you do next month is good too. Will it be near your birthday? Because I know that's coming up really soon too. It's the week after I get back from another comic con, I go away on 17th November and come home on the 19th, so I'm just gone for the weekend. This time it's in Wales, I've only been there once when I was a kid.

Aw no poor Chonky :( I really really hope she's okay now. It sucks when our pets get sick, because they don't have a voice to tell you exactly what's wrong, so it can be pretty worrying. It's a good job that owners can usually tell though when something's wrong and what it could be, because they know their pet well. But it sounds like you did the right thing for her and I hope she's feeling much better now. I'm sure she loved having you look after her and care for her and make sure she was all okay.

Don't worry about streaming and stuff, you can come back to it whenever you feel like it, whenever you have the time. I look forward to the next time you do, I've missed chilling in your chat and just.. hanging out. I liked it before. I actually was playing some of the Cyberpunk DLC myself the other week, it was quite fun haha. But I definitely think I need to start upgrading my PC soon. Definitely a new fan and CPU and maybe a secondary SSD. I would upgrade my GPU but those are so expensive and my 1080 still serves me well at the moment.

I'm sorry it's been a little bit since I last wrote, I've just been busy with work mostly. I haven't had much going on or much exciting happening. Apart from going over to Belfast to surprise my best friend, that was quite cool. We went to another convention, I just booked a flight and a hotel and turned up. She had no clue I was coming and was really surprised when I got there haha. I literally just went over for like.. 24 hours. I'd felt bad cause I had to cancel a trip to go see her at the end of this month just due to work and not being able to get the holidays and stuff. So I was pretty upset and just wanted to do something kinda.. fun and spontaneous? Idk

Ian Somerhalder walked by me too and didn't even notice it, it wasn't until my best friend pointed him out and I was like "oh shit" hahaha. But I was more excited about Peter Facinelli and Jackson Rathbone from Twilight, I used to love that when I was like.. 14. I would have met Ian and Paul too, but it was far too expensive for me. Maybe some day I will. I recently started watching The Vampire Diaries again, since it's spooky season and all and I haven't watched it for years. So I've went right back to the start, I'm at the end of season 1 right now where Isobel is in it (I hate Isobel. And I fucking hate John Gilbert too)

It was also my dad's birthday on 8th October. That was a pretty hard day. I was quite sad and upset all day, but I watched a lot of my dad's favourite programs and stuff and tried to distract myself. Red Dwarf, Monty Python, The Mighty Boosh (which me and my dad actually started watching together) and some Billy Connolly. I also listened to some of his favourite music too. And I got a clootie dumpling from a local bakery (it's like a Christmas pudding kind of but not as rich), coincidentally it was the same bakery me and my dad and grandma and grandpa would go to, it was just down the street from my grandma's house. My grandma used to make him one for his birthday every year when he was a kid, instead of a birthday cake because it was cheaper. And he loved it. It was one of his favourite things. He'd always ask me to bring him some down when I'd go down and visit him in Nottingham, because you can't really get it anywhere in England and to make a proper one yourself, it's a bit of a pain and really easy to mess up if you don't do certain things right lol. When he was in the nursing home, I remember one day the chef had came to talk to him and asked him about food he liked and stuff. He was telling me that they'd asked him what kind of birthday cake he wanted and my dad immediately asked if he could have a dumpling. The chef agreed and said they absolutely could do that and I remember my dad being so so happy. His face was just.. completely lit up, big wide smiles, all excited. I think that's what made me extra sad, because he had been so excited for his birthday and his dumpling. He really liked the simple things in life, honestly.

So even though he wasn't here, he got his dumpling. I went out early on the Saturday morning and picked it up, had a chat with the guy who owns the bakery (who actually weirdly recognised me and asked me who my family were, so I told him and he immediately remembered me from when I was a kid, telling me about how he remembered I'd come in with my grandma to get the rolls and the papers, how I'd come in with my dad for a yum yum or a strawberry tart lol. I unfortunately had to break the news of my dad's passing to him, he didn't know. And he was quite sympathetic. He was a nice guy, just as friendly as I remembered when I was a kid. I'll attach a picture of the dumpling to this so you can see. I stuck a candle in it and everything for him. Sang him happy birthday and cried while doing so. But I knew he'd be nearby. I knew he'd be standing right behind me hugging me while I did. God just writing this is making me tear up a little bit.

I've started some grief counselling too. I think they are really helping me. I'm getting it through the hospice who helped with dad's end of life care, even though the were only involved for.. well a few days.. they've given me more support that some family have (my mother included. I'm still at odds with her. She's done more horrible and nasty shit since we last spoke and.. honestly I'm just seeing her for her true colours now, realising that I've been gaslit, emotionally neglected and manipulated by her for a very long time). My boss has been more than happy to allow me to attend these sessions, because they know in the long run it's going to help me and isn't going to affect my performance at work or anything. I'm actually doing really well at work at the moment, even considering that it is incredibly stressful and emotionally/mentally taxing at times, but I've had nothing but good reports in my weekly catch ups with my manager so far. So I think it's safe to say they can see that I am more than capable of doing the job. I just wanna try get through my probation and then move to a different department. Something that doesn't involve talking to customers lol.

Gran also got out of hospital, which is a good thing. She's back home and still resting and stuff, trying to get her strength back. She was in there for like.. just over a month. Unfortunately we don't think shes gonna be able to get any more chemo though, which sucks. But we're hoping her oncologist will still be able to do surgery for her, we just have to keep trying to get her strength up and make sure she's eating well and we're getting her walking and stuff. Even if it's just to the kitchen and back or around the garden. Small steps. It hopefully will make a big difference. I've been making sure to go see her at least once a week, even just for a couple hours at the very least.

I don't have much else going on right now. It's just work and looking forward to next month when I go to Wales. I don't think I have anything incredibly exciting planned for Halloween, which sucks, but I'll be working this year unfortunately. Maybe I can just relax and watch some spooky movies after work, eat some terrible sweets and enjoy myself a little. Oh and I'm on some new medication too actually, I'm not sure if it's working yet, I don't feel anything different. This is for a physical thing, not a mental thing. But it's nothing too serious, just something I need to like.. manage symptoms of.

I really hope you're doing well, E. I hope everything's going good and that your health is good and Chonky is good and work is starting and surgery is getting scheduled and all the good things. I know it must be getting warmer there too, because it's definitely getting fucking colder here haha. I've been absolutely frozen in the mornings for a couple days now, until I turn the heat on again and warm up. I think it's gonna be a reaaaaally cold winter this year which is unfortunate.

I really hope to hear from you soon. And I hope I've got more exciting things to tell you next time.

N x

"I saw you in a dream then it came to an end, I wonder if you'll come visit me again"

(the selfie was me at the con in Northern Ireland. It was SO fucking hot, I was boiling all day. But I still looked cute I think.. maybe haha)

#him

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missmonsters2 · 1 year

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VAN FKSMFMSKFKSKFLSLF *incoherent noises*

First than anything, hi you! Sharky here! How's everything going? I'm kind of impatient and super excited for mirror mirror's update LOL. Okay, so you see, things have happened.

And..And.. WE CUDDLED.

We cuddled. Ok. We cuddled. Actually, I have already slept there this monday. YES. You're reading right. Her house is near the place I work, and she invited me to go to her house to watch movies together! Of course I said yes. We went to her house and then it was late, and I was gonna go home but she offered me to stay there. And. And listen, she drove me to work. And have I said that I find it strangely attractive that she drives? Because I do bUT HEAR ME OUT.

Everything she does looks so graceful. Like, she could be.. I don't know. Shoveling shit. And she'd still look so, so gorgeous and elegant. And I mean it 😭. She holds herself with such poise and I just.. Idk. She's just so cute and pretty and graceful.

That day we didn't cuddle perse? I mean, we actually kind of cuddled already, you know. A few times actually. While we watch movies or stuff. But I mean cuddling while we sleep. And.. well, that day I was kinda sick, and we slept super close but I was kind of burning up a bit and it was pretty damn hot so I just slept outside the blankets.

Thing is, yesterday I went to her house again after the gym. And we kind of cuddled in the couch while we watched the whole Hunger games saga by her request and she offered me to stay at her place again. And when we went to sleep she cuddled me and held me so close and she was like "this okay?" And I was like about to foam in the mouth lIKE YES LKVE SUPER OKAU KJFKSJDKSKDJ. And we just cuddled the whole night. And I'm so fucking gay

I might just be falling for her already who am I kidding. IT FELT SO GOOD. She was so warm and so so soft and kfkwkfkekfke I loved it.

I mean, I was awkward asf at first because I didn't know where the fuck to look at or how tight should I hug her but at some point I just relaxed and it felt so natural. Today I woke up and sweet sweet Charlie made mE TEA. (Oh yes, yet again it was so awful but the sweetness of the gesture erased away all — if that's how you spell it — uggliness). And guess where am I now, dear dear Van.

Oh yes. At her place. Yet again.

We've been playing just dance together and I don't think I ever laughed this hard KFKAKFKSKD. Such poise and yet she looks so stiff (I tripped and almost fell 2 times but I'll still judge her). Though I have to say that she had some moves KFKSKD. Or maybe I am a crazy simp already.

We sang sooo much in the drive to her house and I had kind of a dejavu of that ✨magnificent✨ moment of mirror mirror where Wanda screams her lungs singing enchanted because at some point all too well started reproducing and MAN. I HAD SOME HARDCORE MEMORIES COMIN' BACK. I almost ask her to play the 10 min version god I'm so pathetic

Well, yeah, that's the update. This weekend we'll have another date. Her surprise date, Van KDKSMDMS. Also.. I should mention that she asked about my family? Thing is, heh, my family is kinda small, only my dad and uncle, and.. Well, my dad's girlfriend put a restraining order on my dad for domestic violence and sexual abuse last year 😃 and I've been ignoring him all this time and my uncle kind of hates me because I'm gay and whenever he used to comment something about it I rubbed in his face that I'm an ugly, despicable lesbian so we haven't talked to eachother in years 😃 and the rest of my family is dead so haha omg I've got no family to present her to KFKSKFKSKD HELP. I don't want her to pity me but I kind of pity myself already so KFKAKDKE LOL. And she has a large, supporting family and this is gonna be so damn awkward if I ever meet her parents like daAMN. My girl's got two dads and a mom and I got none bro JAKDJANDN. I know this is so random but lemme tell you a joke.

An orphan goes to McDonalds. What does he order? A family combo 😂 it's not laugh it's tears. ALRIGHT. Enough drama for today it's enough folks. Thank you for your endless support Van! I'll make sure to come back with more updates after our next date!!!

-🦈

hiiii sharky!! Thanks for waiting for me to replyyy <3

you are truly living your best life. I love watching movies and cuddling LOL were you still sick?? and you had a sleepover?!?! The girls do move quickly and i love this LMFAO

You are so down bad and i know this bc no one looks good shovelling shit. There's just no way. Even if it was lizzie olsen, I love her, but she could not make me think shovelling doo doo is sexy.

I love that you have a new gym buddy from this as well LOL like you are THAT couple that works out together. She really clearly loves your company!!!

So are you gonna tell her that her tea is awful or is it gonna be me LOLL how long can you subject yourself to that???

AhhH you guys are doing such fun activities like just dance and singing!! I love that you're both not afraid to be goofy in front of each other.

So....your whole family sucks....i am ur family now. I am the big sister u can present her to, no worries! I will be on your side for the wedding LOL but real talk ur dad is scary, i hope you are safe!! I love that her family sounds lovely though. You have gained the found family trope!!!! (i am pointedly ignoring ur joke. i love u but no <3)

I hope your date went well. You'll have to let me know what she planned!

#mm: answered #🦈 anon

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elysianslove · 4 years

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haikyuu boys that ━━

━━ would absolutely, definitely, 100% get nauseous, dizzy, possibly might faint, while their s/o is in labor. one peak and they’re doubling over the hospital bed, inhaling deeply and exhaling sharply, steeling themselves. some are surprising, some are expected. all are stupid.

iwaizumi hajime; he just cannot. he cannot fathom what is happening. there is no way you’re going through that and surviving. no wonder you’re screaming in pain. of course you’re screaming in pain. he takes one look at what’s going on and just immediately takes a step back, eyebrows raised and hand pressed to his chest like “my god.” he’s an 8/10 though because he is incredibly supportive and those arms are great to grab onto. will not complain for a second (is strangely way too quiet), but he’s worryingly pale. maybe he’s quiet cause if he speaks he’ll throw up.

miya atsumu; he’s this close to screaming. or crying. possibly both. he can’t tell if he’s scared in general or scared for you or if he’s hurting seeing you hurting. in fact, no one can tell. he just looks like he’s watching an alien abduction happen right before his eyes. like a 6/10 because he probably does actually faint. it’s almost as if he’s the one in labor. and he’s the annoying kind of supportive that makes you want to smack him like shut the fuck up i’m pushing a whole child out of me right now. but his reactions are extremely endearing and hilarious to watch back because he most definitely insisted on filming.

akaashi keiji; the silent struggler. really doesn’t wanna make it obvious at all. like he really, really, really doesn’t want you knowing that he’s uncomfortable in any way, but he’s like, sweating from how nauseous he is. a big part of it is hating seeing you in pain; he cringes every time you so much as groan or pant. 7/10 because he’s incredibly supportive but his hands are way too clammy :/ like fr get a grip keiji. again, supportive, but his voice is shaky so it’s like, really ineffective. he cries when he sees his baby and it automatically makes him an 11/10.

sakusa kiyoomi; absolute coward. pussy. it’s not about hygiene, he’s just genuinely mortified. keeps asking you’re okay like,,, what do you think, sir? he keeps looking even though every time he does it doesn’t get any better? question mark? you can see him visibly gulping cause he’s in so much shock. like a 5/10 because he forgets to hold your hand. just stands there. eyes wide and mouth parted like a dumb fish. chokes back on his sobs when he hears his baby’s cries and it’s adorable how he brings his hand up to silence himself so maybe he’s a 7/10.

goshiki tsutomu; please he probably has a panic attack mid labor. definitely screams with you and all the nurses and the doctor are like ???? holds your hand tighter than you’re holding his. apologizes the whole time. the whole time. like the doctor asked him if he wants to see what’s happening, which idk why they would consider that a smart idea, and he just wailed like, “baby i’m so sorry, i’m so sorry, can we just adopt?” a 3/10. he’s so cute but. bring someone else if you don’t want to rip your hair out and his.

kageyama tobio; he absolutely tries to pretend that he’s okay but he just gets really, really quiet once you start delivering and his lips are chapped and his pupils are blown and his face is so pale. he looks like he just got off of a really bad rollercoaster. he’s not even holding your hand you’re just hanging onto an unmoving, lifeless limb. maybe 6/10, cause he could be better in the supportive department but, at least he was quietly panicking. he does have a mini panic attack once his baby is in his arms though. like just starts hyperventilating. it’s okay though! it’s actually kind of cute <3

lev haiba; actually faints. not probably. he actually faints. like all 6��5 of him just drops onto the floor by your bed and you’re like ,,, damn, guess i’m doing this alone then. he wakes up and the first thing he sees is your baby crowning and he just faints again pls. someone has to be there with you, just like to help him to you. he cannot stand straight at all, he’s leaning on the bed the whole time. 5/10 because it genuinely makes you laugh it kind of makes the pain bearable. they have to get a chair in case he just falls back cause he’s just so dizzy pls.

━━ would be so fucking annoying. who the hell let them in this room? why did you agree to this? how are you going to raise a child with them? regrets. so many regrets.

tanaka ryūnosuke; he’s like annoyingly scared. shut up and calm down for a minute i’m trying to birth your child here. swears so much like “holy shit holy shit that’s a big baby.” like pls you’re trying to push it out of you and he has the audacity to say shit like that? treats it like it’s some sort of volleyball match like he cheers whenever the doctor praises you. maybe a 5/10 cause he’s just annoying, but it’s motivating in a way. accepts any insult you throw at him too, like he’s so on board with it. “yes, i’m absolutely a piece of shit— what do you mean you’re not getting anywhere near my dick babe wait.”

bokuto kōtarō; listen :( you don’t want to think he’s annoying but he lowkey is. he’s trying his hardest to make this an easier experience for you but you just need him to be a little quieter. like this hurts bo, calm down please. you want to match his energy but it’s literally physically impossible. he’s an 8/10 though because you doubt it’d have been possible to go through it without him. bokuto’s incredibly ripped too so he lets you hang onto him and he holds you tightly too, like grips your hands and legs so strong that it’s v physically supportive too.

kozume kenma; he’s so. quiet. like say something kozume. say anything. he’s just wincing and cringing. 4/10 cause where’s the emotion. lets you hold his hand, like wow you should be honored. insults you back if you insult him???? like what’s that about???? when he sees his baby he does like, sharply intake a breath or whatever cause he doesn’t want to cry but he’s really struggling not to, which is kind of cute you guess. films the whole thing and does like a peace sign with a very nonchalant face but he has a filter on and the filter scans your face too except you’re like screaming. actually a 3/10.

sugawara kōshi; he’s incredibly supportive yes, but mans will be laughing at you. laughing. at you. probably films you and is like properly giggling and laughing boisterously. is so unfazed by anything and everything he sees. he would so easily be a 10/10 but he becomes a -1/10 just cause he’s an ass. definitely like is breathless and is so mind-blown when he sees his baby. just in awe and in shock that he laughs like, “we made that holy crap.” good to have in the delivery room because he does make the atmosphere easier and more lighthearted, but,,, at what cost? your sanity’s.

suna rintarō; the amount of times you wanted to punch him you cannot count on your ten fingers. makes some sex joke about how you’re so stretched out. you literally want to deck him. films the birthing process and makes you watch the video when you’re not even done delivering the baby? cause he’s insane i guess? justifies it as “this is a reminder of how strong you are,” like shut up with your bullshit. it’s kinda smart tho cause you can pull this on your kid later but still. he’s so fucking annoying. if you hold his hand too hard he’ll be like “it can’t be that bad stop being such a baby,” and the baby is delivered like an hour early out of spite. a 6/10 tho cause somehow you love him and decided to have a baby with him.

ushijima wakatoshi; pt.2 to say fucking something??? he’s mostly quiet cause he doesn’t really know what to say, and cause he’s never seen you in this much pain and it’s kind of shocking him. he’s not scared though, cause it’s like, a natural process of human life and the life cycle and all that stuff, he’s just like. taking time to process it. lets you hold his hand though. also if you wanna like give up halfway through he’s annoyingly angry with you like “no. you can’t just give up halfway. stop being a coward.” like why don’t you give it a try toshi??? a 5/10. could do better.

terushima yuuji; so hyperactive that it’s infuriating. doesn’t even hold your hand, he just stands back and observes and like cheers. literally will jump every time you push, like what the fuck, my love? makes really weird comments like “what does it feel like? does it feel like you’re pooping?” like???? it feels like i’m being torn in half yu :D a 4/10 only cause when you ask if you can slap him he wholeheartedly agrees and the doctor cannot hold their laugh back. also definitely plays like the chika dance and makes the nurses do it with him. probably films a tiktok too. you’re going to kill him after.

oikawa tōru; he’s trying so hard to be supportive and your backbone but he’s just so jittery and nervous. he’s not going to faint or get nauseous, but he literally cannot stay still. he’s so anxious it’s making you anxious. his hands are shaking when they grip yours, but honestly, completely unbiased of course, an 8/10, cause it really is so endearing. like he’s breathlessly and exasperatingly praising you and you can tell he’s near tears just gasping back sobs so ,,, maybe he’s not that annoying. but he is. he is annoying. a little.

━━ would be the best of the best. perfectly supportive. a lovely anchor. not too quiet, not too chatty. is so soft and gentle with you. you fall in love with them all over again.

miya osamu; definitely a 10/10. husband material. he has a cloth that’s just patting away at your sweat. kisses your hand and knuckles. soothingly rubs at your thighs. tells you you’re doing great, that it’ll all be worth it. kisses your forehead. grins at you halfway through when you need that extra motivation. literally all the nurses and the doctor are swooning over him. he’s very nervous deep down but he won’t show it, not for a moment, for your sake. 10/10. can’t stress this enough.

kita shinsuke; another king! so soft with you when you feel like giving up. just speaks to you in hushed tones like, “you’ve come this far, lovely. you can’t back out now. think of all the happy moments we’ll get to share just a few hours from now.” and you’re like “alright i’m sold.” completely unfazed by anything he sees. okay maybe a little fazed but he just kisses your forehead after sneaking a peak and tells you you’re doing wonderfully. 100000/10. imagine him as the father of your children???? like literally who else would you want????

aran ojiro; wow another inarizaki i sense a trend. except atsumu he’s a pussy. cheers you on quietly, holds onto your legs, breathes with you, smooths your hair back, literally just an angel. if you take a small break he just spends it quietly talking with you to get your mind off the pain. his knuckles are just caressing your jaw and cheek softly till you’ve calmed down. 10/10 obviously. he’s just the right amount of loud supportive and quiet supportive. kisses you full on the mouth when he first hears his baby’s cries and can’t stop thanking you. literally wtf he’s so cute.

kuroo tetsurō; he’s actually surprisingly very serious when you’re delivering the baby. he’s cracking jokes and all before to try and get you less nervous but it’s actually because he’s freaking out. he’s mostly quiet, just holding onto your hand as tightly as you’re gripping his. he holds his breath every time you push. keeps whispering i love you and pressing kisses to your temple. a 9/10 cause he’s so quiet it’s a little scary but he cannot hold back his tears when he sees his baby. kisses you all over your face after.

satori tendō; very emotional. like so emotional. he’s teary eyed the whole time, just thanking you even if you hadn’t given birth yet. it makes the nurses cry too cause it’s so lovely to see him get so visibly affected by this. he’s just whispering thank you’s and i promise not to let you down ever and i promise to love you forever and you’re pretty sure he’s speaking to the baby you’re birthing at this point. 9/10 cause he made you cry :( no but really he’s a 10/10. super loving, keeps asking you if you’re okay, if you need water, need to hold his hand, anything. angel, fr.

matsukawa issei; relatively surprising as well because you expected him to be more than just annoying, but he’s just. in awe. he’s so amazed by how much you’re going through, and he just stores it in the back of his brain. literally thanks you for the next 50 years to come. laughs endearingly with you to lighten the mood. 9/10. a point is deducted because he jokingly said that now you’ll be able to take his dick really easily. a nurse choked in shock pls. gets real close after to whisper i love you so that only you can hear. he’s just a dream <3

━━ would not let you move an inch after giving birth. all the work is on them for the next 5 years.

all of them. not a single one is left out in this one. they’re annoying but ,,, they all love very strongly <3

end note; listen idk what this is. i had a vision where iwaizumi could not handle his s/o giving birth and the thought was actually so sweet to me, just the nurses laughing at him and he’s just breathing deeply to try and not throw up and then. this happened. anyways. this helped put me in a better mood so i hope it does/did for anyone else too!

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