#im DEVASTATED HELLO

[monstersinthecosmos]

okay so i just finished IWTV....... oh my god!!! oh my god. it's embarrassing how insane this book made me. for the last 50 pages or so i was regularly taking breaks to run laps around my apartment like a lunatic because i physically could not handle all the pain and angst and despair coursing through my body LOL. i got so immersed in the story i forgot pretty much all of the background for armand you'd given me (and i can't remember most of it even now!!! my mind is in shambles) and still, very organically...... he became my favorite. even despite all of the. you know. and maybe even more so BECAUSE of it. i've just never witnessed an evil so heartbreaking!!!!!!!!!!? THE ABSOLUTE DEVOTION?????? DERANGED AND UGLY AND UTTERLY BEYOND REASON????!!!! FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!! i'm sorry for vomiting all over your inbox i genuinely cannot conjure up any resemblance of coherence atm!!! THANK YOU FOR POINTING ME TOWARDS SUCH LUXURIOUS PAIN i LOVE it i want MORE! <3 <3 <3

oh my god OH MY GOd ,... omg... 🥹🥹

WELCOME WELCOME YES THIS HOW I FEEL EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE I WISH I KNEW WHERE TO EVEN START 

(I really feel like just answering with this meme and not subjecting you to a wall of text but I'LL TRY !!!)

GOD LIKE WHAT THIS BOOK DOES SO SO WELL AS LIKE IMMEDIATELY GROUND FLOOR OF THE SERIES LETS US ALL KNOW THAT ALL CHARACTERS COMMIT EVILS AND ARE NOT GREAT PEOPLE BUT THEY ALL WANT TO BE LOVED AND ARE TRYING LOL. 

LIKE LOUIS MOVES FROM ABUSIVE PARTNER TO ABUSIVE PARTNER UNTIL HE’S FINALLY SO DEAD INSIDE THAT HE CAN BE BY HIMSELF AND WALK AWAY.

AND LIKE IT’S SO HARD BECAUSE YOU SEE HOW CLAUDIA FREED HIM FROM LESTAT, AND THEN ARMAND FREES HIM FROM CLAUDIA. AND SOMETHING THAT ALWAYS FUCKS ME UP SO BAD IS THAT ARMAND HAS SUCH A SKEWED MAP OF APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR BUT HE’S NOT EVIL. HE’S TRYING HIS BEST, IN THE BEST WAY HE KNOWS HOW.

Wait hang on I’ll take caps off I’m so sorry lmfao I’m just really worked up. 

I think there’s a sort of meme-ier version of this like Armand going “hi 🙂 I killed your daughter 🙂 you can kill all my friends if you want 🙂 I won’t stop you 🙂 do you like me? 🙂"

But it’s actually SO TRAGIC god. Like I read IWTV as a story about domestic abuse and the family cycle, personally, and I see Claudia as an Oedipal figure. Louis is unable to get away from Lestat until Claudia makes it happen, and Claudia winds up being so cold and cruel and he’s stuck with her until Armand frees him. And there’s a lot of conversation about like, Armand being manipulative or what he did to CREATE this, how did he push them both where he wanted them, etc, but the thing that gets me is that when Louis wants to break up, Armand lets him leave.

And like SKIP WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY IF YOU DONT WANT A SPOILER BUT LIKE I DID MENTION THIS IN MY OTHER POST  —— but if you read Lestat’s book and get the background on how he and Armand met, it’s sort of the opposite where Lestat destroys Armand’s coven and Armand is so devastated about it, vs 100 years later he ALLOWS Louis to destroy a coven. AND HE GETS THE GUY!!!! In TVL he like BEGS Lestat to be with him and Lestat isn’t interested lol but he gets to keep Louis this time.

IDK IDK IM JUST REAL EMOTIONAL. 

And like !!!!!!!! God idk. If you read more of the books you get so many indications about how people in Armand’s life don’t respect him, and a lot of times people write him off because he looks like a teenager. They don’t take the danger of him seriously, which makes him even more dangerous. But it’s so heartbreaking reading IWTV and seeing how Louis respects him so much, and sees him as wise and calm, and needs him! 

And like maybe Louis is uniquely qualified to not judge people for looking like children because he has spent the last 90 years with a vampire child and respects her as an adult, you know?

If you keep reading you’ll see how much Anne Rice like retcons or how much the continuity flops around so like EVERY book will have a Doylist vs Watsonian conversation like, she never comes out and says that Armand looks like he’s 17 in IWTV and in the later books it’s a huge point every time he’s on the page just HE’S SHORT HE’S 17 HE LOOKS LIKE A CHERUB etc and maybe that’s because she hadn’t decided that yet but also maybe Louis is the only person who fucking respects him. :) 

[monstersandgenderqueers]

Little Gifts (Part Eight)

Unable to deal with just how strong your feelings for him are, you make some bad decisions when it comes to Loki.

Pairing: Loki x audhd!reader

Word count: 3004

A/N: In my head this was way cuter and less of an angsty mess. I also didn't edit as thoroughly as I normally do (which is already bare minimum) so I apologize if something is off or out of place. I'll fix things when I can.💚

Divider credit @/saradika

Previous | Masterlist

Ever since that downright embarrassing restaurant incident, you've been trying to avoid Loki. The event had been too intimate for your liking. Or rather, you liked how intimate it was too much. Loki proved just how well he knows you, and even worse, you felt completely safe crashing and burning right in front of him.

The new burst of feelings after that night had been so terribly euphoric that it was frightening, so you devised a scheme to try to stay away from him.

Though, 'trying' is a bit of a stretch. It would be near impossible to avoid someone you technically live with, especially with somewhat-scheduled meals and mandatory activities. It would only draw attention to your 'avoid Loki at all costs' plan if you walked out of training or skipped most of your meals.

Instead, you opt for burying yourself in endless tasks that take you as far away from him as possible. None of them are useful—or necessary—and you feel like you're wasting your and everyone else's time. It was hard to focus on anything that you normally did. Even walking felt dangerous when you lost track of your feet a few too many times, having to catch yourself before plummeting ungracefully to the ground.

Everyone notices, because of course they do. Even people you consider to be mere acquaintances notice, stopping you in the halls to ask if you're okay.

Of course I'm not!

You dismiss them every time, forcing yourself to smile in an almost convincing way, hoping that you scrunch your cheeks just enough to make it look like your smile reaches your eyes, mimicking others' expressions. It seems to fool enough of them, because after a couple of weeks, people stop asking if you were okay.

The real downside to avoiding Loki, though, is avoiding Loki. You didn't realize how much you've come to rely on him for emotional support and regulation and pretty much every other good thing. You didn't get it until you couldn't plop yourself down in front of him and start rambling about any and all thoughts that had crossed your mind since the last time you saw him. Your crush is way more serious than you thought, but putting effort into processing exactly what you feel is the mental equivalent of trying to put cubes in triangular holes.

There was one thing, specifically, that he did that you greatly appreciated and sorely missed. His uncanny ability to know exactly what you need to hear and feel. He didn't tell you your anxieties were false or lies, like others did and how you had trained yourself to respond. Though he'd occasionally tell you how flawed your reasoning is, he wouldn't just outright dismiss your feelings in the moment.

"I feel like everyone's judging my outfit."

Normally, people will respond with, "No one is judging you," which is false, or, "you look fine," which is not what you asked. Both only serve to make you feel worse, like they don't care much that your worries often defy sound reasoning. But, Loki can make you laugh, a sound that still surprises you every time as it bursts free without warning.

"Perhaps. If they voice their disgust, I'll toss them in the stockade."

"We don't have those anymore, Loki."

"And? I have a few in storage, darling. We can procure rotten vegetables, as well, if it'd please you."

You miss it. Him. It sucks knowing that you're only doing this because you were too vulnerable that night, too dependent and childish and—

Stop stop stop! 

He can't know how much you need him, he just can't. You can't let it happen. Open communication might work for the rest of the population, but telling other people what they mean to you, or how you feel in general, always ends in tragedy.

Not that it matters much, anyway. You figure, with Loki's recent moods, it might not be a good time to tell him anything at all.

Since around the time you started avoiding him, he switches between being curt and sour, and then completely distant. It's almost like he's regressed back to where he was when he first moved in. He was prickly that first day, reacting to every little thing as if it was hand-selected to bother him. But after that first night, it's like he woke up and realized he'd been completely defeated, because that's how he appeared. It doesn't seem that far off of an assumption, given he was basically transferred from one prison to another. It made sense to you that he'd crumble inwards. Still, it was scary how Loki was almost a ghost for those first few days. It worried you back then.

Now, he'll do as instructed. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Recently, Loki even taught you how to throw a couple types of Asgardian throwing knives during your mandatory training sessions, though he made it seem like such a chore.

"Why is it all squiggly? This seems ornamental to me, Loki. Am I really supposed to just throw it? I don't want to scuff it up, though—"

"Just throw it. Hold it the way I showed you. No, no—do it right or simply cease."

The only expression he has these days is scrunched brows. No, not the worried kind or the sad furrowed brows, or the ones that make him look very handsome or pretty, but the angry one. At least, that's what you think it is. It definitely isn't the worried or the sad, and you struggle to piece it together with all the context you're given, which is very little. It can only be anger, right? What other feelings could there possibly be?

Besides, it looks close enough to the expression most of everyone in the compound has at some point during the day. Tension. It spreads like it's contagious whenever something big is going down.

Except, nothing big is going down, at least not something that you notice. It wasn't like you were paying much attention, either.

So, you figure you'll stay away from him for a while longer. Just to be safe.

He needs his space, right? Well, that's what you would want if you were angry.

After two weeks, you reach a point where you realize you might either explode or implode. Without any of your usual methods of self-regulation, which by now had simply become Loki, it seems like you somehow might manage to do both at once, if it were possible.

To avoid further embarrassment, since you're positive at least one other person noticed what happened at that party aside from Loki, you lock yourself in your room for the day.

It feels awful. Your body has gotten used to activity, and now it aches fiercely, protesting your idleness by making everything hurt to the point where you couldn't move, anyway. Your mind fares no better, your thoughts jumping from topic to topic so quickly that you can't even finish a thought before the next one butts in. You can't focus on books, or music, or shows. Not even the basic comfort of caring for your plants can save you, since you start watering your biggest one and you feel too lethargic to lift it back into place once the soil was sodden, leaving the giant leaf monster in the middle of the room.

Ugh. UGH! Who cares! Who cares! They'll all die anyway, right? Just a waste! Of everything! I shouldn't bother anymore, shouldn't even try because what's the point!?

Now, you know that your thoughts can't actually increase in volume, since they have no real volume at all, but even thinking such things hurts your ears. It's an immense struggle to rein it back in, to remind yourself of everything you should do should there be a meltdown.

Just go to bed.

Go. To. Bed.

So that's exactly what you do. Unable to feel anything touching your skin without bursting into tears, you strip yourself and most of your bedding, keeping only what you need to sleep. Just the sheets, a very thin blanket, a singular pillow plucked from the mountain of cushions you own, and of course, the prized stuffie.

You fall asleep as soon as you get comfortable. Your brain is simply too fried to even worry anymore.

Unfortunately, you wake up sweaty and gross and far more tired than when you fell asleep. You're too warm and too cold and the sheets that you got specifically for their smoothness were just too itchy.

Feeling something fuzzy against your nose when you roll over, you open your eyes to see the little black horse plushie, its solitary eye reflecting what little light there is.

That's weird. I didn't put you there.

You sit up and hold it, looking around your bed and then around your room like doing so might just tell you what happened.

Subconsciously, you rub your face in its mane, trying to regain your bearings. Then, you realize it smells a bit off. Not off in a bad way, just not what it's supposed to smell like. It's very nice actually, very familiar and addictive. It takes a moment for your sleep-addled brain to figure it out.

Loki. Why do you smell like Loki?

You twist the horse in your hands, remembering that Loki only had it for a few hours at most before giving it back all those weeks ago.

Did I accidentally wash it with my blankets? Did I use someone else's detergent?

You try to rationalize why it smells like Loki, and why the longer you hold it, the more your nerves calm down without completely shutting down.

There's no use in rationalizing anything about Loki. In spite of Loki's clear intelligence and wit, he's anything but rational. He's weird and confounding.

So, as much as you try to believe this is an error you made, a mistake that is completely plausible and yet you can't remember a situation where it could have actually happened, you're left with one answer.

Loki did something to the plushie, similar to the magic he used that night at the restaurant. Whether he came into your room to place it beside you or he just snapped his fingers and it was there, it didn't really matter.

Because, it seems, as much as you try to pretend that you don't feel anything for him, and as much as you ignore him out of shame, he just knows.

It's terrifying.

As it turns out, the general weirdness you've been feeling from almost everyone is actually something big, and not just something that was leeching off of you like a cloud of miasma.

The full Avengers team—and now Loki, you guess—have completely prepared for a mission without you even knowing. You didn't find out until you passed by one of the conference rooms and saw all of them sitting there for what looked like their last briefing. You tried putting in your keycode into the door, but it didn't open. You weren't cleared for the mission.

A few hours after the meeting, you corner Tony near one of the lab rooms.

You cross your arms, unable to mask just how ridiculously hurt you feel, "What gives?"

"Excuse me?"

"You know what I'm talking about. The mission."

He sighs and rubs his face before replying, "Look, kid—"

"I know I'm not on everyone else's level, okay? I thought I was doing well on missions. I'm not part of the 'super club', but I thought I had the clearance to know things. And Loki? Why is he going? He's not even allowed to exercise without supervision, so how does he suddenly have clearance above mine?"

"It's his mission, okay?"

You deflate a bit. "...What?"

"Listen," he holds up a finger, "and don't interrupt. We all elected to not give you clearance." You open your mouth to yell a what?! but he keeps going, "You've been acting weird for a while now. We've all noticed, and have agreed it isn't safe."

"That's not fa—"

"This isn't about your capabilities or your limitations. You're not yourself, and it's too risky."

The white-hot anger has ebbed away into something that feels a bit more suffocating. You should be used to being left out of things, but it still manages to make you feel like you're drowning in hurt. "But isn't there something I'm allowed to do? Can I at least know what's going on?"

He looks away from you, like he doesn't want to see how red your eyes are getting. "Ah—that's a bit more complicated."

"What—"

"If you want answers, you'll have to ask Loki. He's the one who suggested it."

"It? By that do you mean leaving me out of the mission or keeping me completely ignorant?"

"Well, both, now that I think about it, but that's between you two. I'm not a qualified couples therapist."

You ignore that last bit. "I thought we had an understanding. I thought you'd stick up for me."

"And I do. You're an incredible asset, it's just… Well, he brought up excellent points."

"Like?"

"Like how your behavior is abnormal. Your focus is shot. You're struggling to follow simple directions. I know that that's normal for you, on some level, but it has gotten way out of hand."

Ashamedly, you have to admit that he's right. More than what he's already mentioned, you're also being immature. While admitting that hurts, given that everyone has called you childish at least once, you know when you can do better. The shame makes your cheeks flush hot and your palms get sweaty way too quickly.

Ignoring Loki wasn't mature. Avoiding your pressing responsibilities within the compound so you could continue to avoid Loki wasn't mature. Badgering Tony for answers and acting like he's against you is not mature.

Damn. You'll have to apologize. To everyone, it seems, since your behavior has likely affected them all on some level.

You'd like to start with the person who probably needs to hear it the most, but any plans on doing that are cut abruptly.

"We're setting off in less than fifteen minutes. It's too late to brief you, even if I could get you cleared."

Fuck!

Leaving Tony alone and bewildered, you dash as quickly as you can without slipping on the smooth and polished floors back to the living quarters.

Please be there, please be there.

He isn't. Of course he isn't.

You try looking up his location, but you're not granted access.

The door to his room is open, though, and you notice that a black duffel bag is on his bed. It seems like he just finished packing, and he'll likely come back. You could just wait, of course, and talk to him directly before he leaves. But, the thought of actually saying what you feel and admitting that you could have handled all of this much better makes your heart squeeze uncomfortably. You'd need time to think of what to say, and your words would likely scramble up on the way out, fusing five different ways of saying the same thing into one monstrous mess.

I need to fix this. Please let me fix this.

You hurry back to your room and grab a pen to write a scrawled apology. An, "I'm sorry Loki, let's talk after you get back," should suffice. Your pen runs out of ink, though, just as you're halfway through the first word. The next three pens are the same, completely and utterly useless at their singular task.

Seriously!?

Unable to find anything suitable to write a note with, you're left with your go-to method of just giving him something.

He gets it by now, right? He gets that your strange methods of communication actually mean something…right?

Well, it can't just be a random thing that you put in his bag for him to find. It has to at least make sense.

A book?

No. Unless the title is, 'I'm so very sorry for how I acted and I hope you still like me and want me as your friend or maybe something different would be awesome too," it's unlikely it would work.

You open your closet and pull out your shoebox of keychains—yet another one of your odd collections that migrated with you to the compound, along with your plushies.

One of the keychains is a bright green, plush snake. It fits in the palm of your hand, with a little pink ribbon sticking out of its mouth. You think you got it at a zoo, but you can't quite recall. The writing on the tiny tag had worn off ages ago, but you're pretty sure you bought it during your snake phase as a child. Though you're not as fixated on them as you used to be, that phase taught you something special. It taught you to question why certain creatures are labeled as evil and scary when they're just creatures. They're different, and many are dangerous for sure, but so are non-scary creatures like dogs or cats.

When you told Loki that, he looked at you in a way that would have melted you if it were possible.

So, he'll get it, right?

Just to be sure, you grab another keychain. An anatomical heart, also with origins you forgot. You hook them together.

It should make sense. Right?

Relieved that his duffel is still on his bed, you unzip it just a bit to place your gift inside.

You try looking for him once more, unwilling to just wait for him in his bedroom like some creep, but you're unable to find him before you hear the whoosh of the quinjet.

His bag is gone when you pass by for the final time.

There's hope that you haven't completely destroyed your relationship with him, but doubt drowns it out and nauseatingly swirls around inside your belly. With nothing to do but wait, you sit down by the glass windows in the common area, staring at the pristine emerald lawn.

I'm sorry, Loki.

Tag list:

@princess-ofthe-pages  @blaze-the-idiot @anxiousskylar @athyend @cosmicstxrdust @the-ultimate-librarian @ceeisatlumon @webpage-loading @xxashes-rebornxx @mischeveousscamp @lilredpanda-1999 @booksooks @shegeekery @sleeping-l0s3rs @alexfms97 @hot-older-bro @dinosprouts @idyllicshadow

Let me know if you want to be removed/added 💚

[lover-of-mine]

[violinsts]

Surprise atttackkk 🐚❗

[meshumo]

its been....... five? six? years since i was super duper crazy into funny train musical. i knew it would come back eventually.....

have some doodles

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

??????????? wait what the fuck do you mean aiku is his first name

[billygaysanguine]

anyone else mourning what could have been😛

[toasty-sun]

'Who could ask for anything more?' KIMIKO AND FRENCHIE MY BELOVEDS :(((( I LOVE THEM SO MUCH YOU DON'T UNDERSTANDDDDDD!!!!!!!!

[ppbpencilcrayon]

A Journey Born From The End

couldn't sleep until I got this out of my system

[ugartecoco]

yall i just caught up on the post match interviews and im losing it over ruben he is fucking insane kdfjsfdjdk

[landofgay]

my first two video games were animal crossing wild world and nintendogs, and I feel like that says a lot about who I am as a gamer now

[girlfriendjihyo]

i was called a crybaby today…like um.😭 sorry im so overworked wnd exhausted and overwhelmed wnd anxious and dying ont he inside 😭 sorry i cant catch a break these past few months and flr the next few months it literally wont end😭 sorry i sacrifice my sleep time to accommodate your needs so im getting like 4-5 hrs of sleep a night for the past month and a half😭 sorry my emotions are suchhhh an inconvenience to you😭😭😂😂😂😂

[the-heron]

What's even the point if you dont kiss your friends a little

[literaturebf]

these tags are going in the hall of fame. for me.

[leechaeryeonqs-moved]

Thought you'd appreciate this <3