#it is a WHOLE different SCALE
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I have absolutely zero spoons to provide links this is not a news post this is a ... a sigh. it's widely reported and easily searchable info. Fuck it i came back and added links
memos relating to the bullshit huge federal funding freeze and demanding orgs answer 14 questions by next week to keep their funding, to ensure they aren't supporting "illegal" "DEIA"
The acronym has grown
Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Accessibility
They're gonna go after the whole fuckin ADA, aren't they.
Oh, and he repealed instructed the DOJ not to enforce the FACE Act, the 90s law to protect clinics, patients, and staff from anti-choice protestors (they can now get right back up to the doors, and short of basically killing someone it just won't be enforced)
They're trying to institute a way to simultaneously email all 2.3 million federal employees at once to be able to "communicate directly" and not have orders "filtered by management". Several lawsuits already, massive privacy concerns, etc.
Loyalty tests have begun for both current employees and applicants, mostly headed by department-inexperienced youths, to ensure full 100% enthusiastic support specifically of MAGA over Republican party and with zero non-party associations or opinions
He revoked equal opportunity employment, killing 60 years of labor+civil rights just as both my trans wife and my trans self are trying to find work
The funding freeze has everyone scrambling. Compliance by 5pm today, so many have been working through the night because some of these programs can't just be flipped like a switch. non-profits panicking. Research suspended. Emergency meetings. Already "temporary" layoffs of medical staff and others, for grant freezes.
r/fednews is a new subreddit for Fed workers to whistleblow and share internal fuckery. Have a random screenshot.
The reddit account that discovered that the funding freeze EO was written by two randos bc the pdf metadata wasn't scrubbed, one of whom is Heritage Foundation, was nuked. An hour later the EO was updated to change the "author"
Aaaaand he's openly talking about deporting "criminals," and regressives are enthusiastically supportive of the idea of deporting "dissidents" like [checks notes] American citizen Selena Gomez.
Etc etc etc oh god there's so fucking much already.
I am left wondering how to personally tread the line between "do not comply in advance" and "do not draw attention to yourself." How to keep my family safe. I am wondering how many of the social media posts encouraging people to scream and be loud and DEMAND to be SEEN and RESPECTED as QUEER/DISABLED/ETC are maybe written by people who don't know or remember how fucking bad the baseline social attitude was towards marginalized people even just twenty years ago, and therefore have zero context for exactly how bad it can get and what it's like to survive daily life in even the mildest of strict national oppression, and maybe don't really even believe us when we try to tell them, think we could never go back that far surely, not for very long surely.
And I am so, so sorry my loves, but you have yet to see a true winter, and you're treating the snow flurries as hyperbole.
#us politics#it is going to be. a whiskey night. a d vidya games and art and whatever else#furiously practicing self care while trying not to hyperventilate. yknow how it goes#rambleramble bullshit time#tw alcohol#is it cringe to tw tag for ... other tags. idk but just in case#disabled#LGBTQ#i s2g i am trying to take my own advice and pace myself and not look at the news more than like. once a day#it is still like getting immediately and repeatedly curbstomped. this is not like last time. this is already so much worse#cheers m8s&str8s#<- catchall personal negativity/doomer/grim acceptance tag#uuugggGgGgghhhggghh ITS BEEN ONE FUCKING WEEK#welcome to project 2025 🍻 'but we ALREADY--' no. stop.#that was Petri Dish activities. the culture was successful and the prototype approved and we are now in Main Production#those were the previews. the trailers. and yeah they sucked. but now it's a four-year movie we can't fucking leave#it is a WHOLE different SCALE
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bruce and danny being fuckign nerds together,,,, they are being the BIGGEST nerds. geeks. if you will
these losers are color-coding the most inane bullshit. they are making diagrams for things you've never even thought of. they are having the time of their lives
"what are you two doing?"
Danny, sitting criss-cross on a table, hunched over a spread of papers and a bunch of different jello cups, his back is gonna hurt SO much: color-coding jello
Bruce, sitting in a nearby chair, also criss-cross, scribbling on a graph paper: hm [agreeing]
Alfred, already exasperated and SO fond: may i ask why? and on what parameters?
Danny: we're basing it off which flavors are the most mentally stimulating and for which subjects :}
Alfred, SO fond: ah. i see.
Danny, snapping his head over to Bruce and leaning over: wh- no-- no. Buzz, I told you: lemon-flavored jello stays strictly in the 'smelling salts' category--
Bruce, still writing on the graph paper: mn. no.
Danny, nearly sprawled across his back, faux-outraged: strawberry is NOT good for math-- you fucken HEATHEN--! Give me that pen!
Bruce, did that solely to rile up Danny, now trying not to smile: hnm.
#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dpxdc#dpxdc crossover#dp x dc#dp x dc crossover#dpdc#blood blossom au#dpxdc au#i love them your honor. my babies. they're so lovely to me. they mean so much to me. they are the silliest ever#danny is happy to talk about science and weird ghost shit the moment he's comfortable enough to and bruce is happy to listen#he is also fascinated by this whole new field of science and danny is technically and literally the only expert#they are making diagrams and scales and rankings and tiers and bunch of other science stuff i dont know the names of for ghosts#danny. a nerd: do you wanna see the tier scale i made for ghost powers | bruce. also a nerd: yes#danny: do you wanna help me re-categorize the tier scale i made for ghost powers | bruce: y e s#danny: whatcha doing | bruce: hm... making a timeline graph for x murder | danny suddenly vibrating at the speed of light: c a n i h e l p#they are being nerds together. they are being SUCH nerds together. they're making scatter graphs for the transit system#they are cross-referencing the correlation between food regulation laws and the increase of rats in downtown gotham#danny is explaining the intricacies of the cardinal directions in the Zone to bruce because it works differently than in the mortal world#they're coming up with classifications for native ghost zone species and arguing over whether they could fall under mortal animal classes#and it comes with the extra challenge of GIVING these animals mortal names because soulhum isnt translatable or even replicable in the huma#tongue and danny doesnt have any mortal equivalents for the names and he cant speak soulhum thanks to the poison.#so he's trying to describe these animals he's seen in english and then come up with a name for them and THEN classify them.#bruce and danny are having a fucking BLAST. danny is so happy to get to talk to another science nerd about ghost stuff coz as much as he#loves sam and tucker. science is NOT their forte and they were never all that interested in figuring this stuff out with him. they tried bu#he could tell that they just werent as enthusiastic as he was about it. but Bruce is so fascinated and he's keeping up with Danny and its#so relieving. and Bruce meanwhile. mister 'learns everything' is fascinated and so interested in learning about this entirely new dimension#and its animals and creatures. and danny gets so excited talking about it to the point where he's practically glowing. bruce comes up with#an idea or a new suggestion and danny all but lights up bc he hadnt thought of it that way and that is *brilliant* it makes so much sense--#and even if he's wrong Danny is ecstatic to correct and explain *why* it was wrong. like he gets the train of thought but here's why its#wrong and what it is INSTEAD. like he's SO happy to share this with him he's all but floating to the ceiling.
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getting back into the untamed and i had a thought. / follow for more yllz babygirlism
#i saw someone a while ago talking about how wwx always has good intentions….#his personal road to hell was paved with good intentions yes but i’m not sure where making a guy eat his own legs fits#it is so funny to me how the tiger tally/yin iron influences wei wuxian differently in each adaptation#i remember making a sliding scale of how ‘culpable’ wwx is from adaptation to adaptation#based on how they portray the mental effects of the iron#but for the life of me i cannot find it :(#wwx really said ‘if i had a cursed amulet i simply wouldnt be corrupted🙄🙄’#that’s basically what he tells lan zhan in this episode…. if necromancy was having ill effects i would notice#and you know. at this point he is lying about everything. but i do wonder how much he actually believes that 👁️👁️#how much of his mind is resigned to doing whatever needs to be done to exact revenge regardless of harm to himself#and how much genuinely believes that he’s smart and competent enough to make it through whole#the answer of course is BOTH!! bisexual pride#mdzs#art#mdzs spoilers#wei wuxian#lan wangji#wangxian#mo dao zu shi#grandmaster of demonic arts#grandmaster of demonic cultivation#my art#the grandmaster of diabolism#cql#the untamed#魔道祖师#陈情令#mdzs meme#doodle#lmao
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Can we all talk about when Percy in Tartarus almost choked Akhlys on her own poison? Like,I know that Annabeth got scared of it and what he was doing and becoming in the moment,because that wasn't Percy at all,but the "some things must not be controlled" is totally bullshit. Every child of the Big 3 control an aspect of a calamity that shouldn't be controlled: lightning,sea,earth,air and death (Nico is the equivalent of Jesus and Satan both in PJO if we think enough about it). Being able to control dangerous things that "shouldn't being controlled" is literally in their divine blood.
The guy was trying to save both of them. He did give in to the darkness,but he was so tired of it,it's ok to snap when you are put under so much pressure from everybody you know. And yes,I get Annabeth's POV of it,but Percy was doing everything to survive there,he was risking no matter what,you don't need to make him feel bad about wanting to survive in hell. You needs to adapt sometimes,especially when the situation is so extreme,not everything is black and white,there is a lot of grey too.
Percy's power evolved because of the needs to protect himself and Annabeth in there,mixed with the high level of stress while trying to remain sane,and the worries about making it back or not. That whole speech was uncalled for (like most things that Annabeth did in Tartarus) and she could have handled better the situation no matter how scared she was. Look at Reyna,she is extremely scared of ghosts because of her past but didn't want to make Nico aware of that,and consoled him after he killed Bryce without a second thought. Was she scared? Yes. Did she made Nico feel guilty about protecting them and using his powers to do so? No,she was greatful to him and understood that he needed to,if they wanted to come back to a successful quest. That's exactly how Annabeth should had reacted to Percy and Akhlys.
And let's be honest,Nico and Percy should had a conversation about what they went through in there,especially because their powers evolved and are stronger than before,at the end of BoO. If not alone then with Dionysus as a therapist because they both need it after that hell. Nico would have a crash out hearing about that speech (since his powers go against the law of nature itself) and would make Percy understand that there is nothing wrong with what he did.
Percy is a survivor. He was surviving in Tartarus and sometimes surviving requires doing bad things and it doesn't matter if in the long run,those same bad things take you out of dangerous situations. He survived. That's the important. Also,poison is still a liquid,so no matter how strange is,Percy can still control it because his power can and it's completely normal for him to do so.
I'm honestly disappointed in Annabeth for this,especially when part of what she said influenced Percy so bad that decided to not fight Polybotes's poison and die in his father's domain. And other than the talk he had with Jason after it,it's never mentioned again and he and Annabeth don't talk abou it. Which isn't ok.
The fandom forget about it all the time when it cames to their dynamic,but yes guys,Annabeth almost killed Percy with her reasoning,let's address it more often ok? Everyone who think what she said didn't contribute to his actions is dead wrong,they were almost co-dipended in everything during HoO and Percy was already doubting his powers before Tartarus: he already was scared of them and scared of drowning. Annabeth made it only worse for him. And it's never addressed,as if it never had consequences.
A talk with Nico would have helped him understanding that yes,it's normal what he did and he has a right to it,since poison is still a liquid: that's a part of his power,like raising the dead is to Nico,no metter how strange or "ugly" it is. He was surviving,he needed to use everything he could use to make it back alive,and he did. And if it's coming from the guy who's powers literally proves Annabeth's "you can't control some things" is stupid and wrong,especially when it cames to Big 3 children,then it has more effect.
But we never got to have that too.
Justice for Percy,he deserve better than this.
#percy jackon and the olympians#percy jackson and the heroes of olympus#heroes of olympus#nico di angelo#percy jackson#annabeth chase#reyna avila ramirez arellano#children of the big 3#powerfull nico di angelo#powerfull percy jackson#their power both evolved in Tartarus#the whole “you can't control some things” speech is bullshit#especially when you apply it to children of the big 3's powers#they are on a different scale#we were robbed of a nico and percy conversation about it at the end of HoO#disappointed in annabeth#percy almost died for what she said and no one talks about it#justice for percy#percy deserve better
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i got almost all the next month's updates sketched! i'm not doing the last one simply because i am feeling the burn out of composing these pages. (each have at least 6 pages, a good amount have the max 12!)
that said, these are all just sketched. i want to do it in this order: backgrounds -> lineart -> transcript. i got other projects i need to work on (winning hat and NightFell) so I can't really guarantee when Tag will start to update again.
#ooc#for context i do have all the story beats planned aside from one specific character arc which i'm unsure what to do for yet#but otherwise i know who gets the focus where and what would loosely be discussed when#so tag is in a good spot writing wise but the loose nature of it makes scene to scenes both free and fun to make BUT#also makes me unsure of where its going and i won't really get the full sense of the scope of a scene until after the fact#for example this month of updates were planned at work so i had a detailed outline in mind but even that got like reworked as i made it.#for extra contrast on the scale of planning vs no plans#nightfell is meticulously planned and then created and then scrapped and reworked over and over and thats the whole process#meanwhile winning hats i have like. a loose character arc in mind for each character and a big scene or two in mind.#but thats it. each chapter i'll have some ideas spawned from making the previous but anything goes when making the chapter itself#so like in THEORY i love planning and i fully embrace it and think its so so so so important.#with AFR i benefited heavily when i planned things in detail! made a world of difference! but with these ISAT projects they work better on#the fly? maybe its the comedy nature maybe its me enjoying how idk whats going to happen just as much as the audience its like#idk its like im a fan of my own work so i get to enjoy it the same way the audience does lol. its fun#SORRY BUT IM NOT ACTUALLY SORRY FOR RAMBLING IM BEING POLITE ABOUT IT
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DRAW WHOLE :3 /nf
sorry this took so long have a silly (vaguely) whole doodle ignore how bad the head looks lolo
#...kinito for scale#chonny jash#cj whole#i. wanted to draw something that wasn't just a guy standing so here's something different? i think?#don't worry we'll get back to your regular manwhore pretty boys :3#ye :)
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Pardner and I have been working on a canon divergent au and also I wanted to play around with fuckin hair construction :3 Top left is Atem/Yami and how he looks to Yuugi, Top right is classic flavored Yuugi Bottom is how Yuugi looks to everyone when Atem/Yami is driving (Minus the eye on most occasions. Sometimes you get lil a mindcrush. As a treat)
#Yugioh#Atem#Yami Yuugi#yuugi mutou#The AU is that Zork isn't fucking in it because Pardner and I just thought having anime satan was duuuuumb.#Key points: Yuugi and Yami met when Yuugi was 23. Kaiba has the eye and Ryoji has the key. Malik Yami Malik are two different people#Every item is evil. Puzzle? Evil. Necklace? Evil. Only non 'evil' item is the scales and that's arguable.#Oops you dont get to make 7 philosopher stones out of human soup and make only a couple arguably 'bad'#My City now#Kisara is here too! She's Kaiba's dragon wife after a lot of debate about if Priest Seto or her should be linked to the eye.#Also Atem gets the 'Your name is Yami' treatment because I wanted a big distinction from his past self and his current self because I have#uuuuuuuuuuh maybe like a whole papers worth of thoughts on identity to the self both past and present and I dunno man#His name is less important here bc it's not the seal to keeping anime satan on lockdown#Everyone of the nerd herd is the same except in the most hedonistic fashion Joey is Joey#Anzu and Honda and Ryoji? Still their OG names but we honestly could not leave the Brooklynite alone#Someday I might make a big fuck off cheat sheet of these characters and how we've altered them#I am so fuckin IN DEEP suddenly with this fucking series I do not know what happened#Woke up with my 11 year old self holding me at gunpoint saying#YOU HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE THE GAYEST SHIP ART#THAT I NEVER HAD THE SKILL TO PRODUCE. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU MUST DO#like yeah I guess I do champ...#Posting from the Shadow Realm
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actually i still have thoughts building on my interpretation of the timeline question from this timeline post
two main things. first, what Isabeau says about his Change

it's a metaphorical death, of course. Isabeau is still alive and did not literally, physically kill himself in order to Change. but even so, the person he "would" have been without that Change is "dead." he's still him, he's always been him, the kid he was is still in there but he's still Isabeau. there is only one timeline.
but, second, it's like. sometimes you remember a turning point in your life—an opportunity you took or didn't take. a coincidence that led to you meeting your best friend, or a choice that led to some of the darkest moments of your life, or a circumstance that you could have never controlled at all that, nevertheless, you can see how it shaped you as you are now, for better or for worse.
and maybe sometimes you are overwhelmed with something about how your life as it is now. and you find yourself mourning, deeply and sincerely, something that never existed. the death of that possibility, that "timeline" where you made a different choice, were born into a different family, had met a different person, had met the same person but at a different time.
would you be happier? would you still be "you"? would it be better if you weren't? would you be better?
there's no way to know. you are you, and have always been you. there is only one timeline.
...but for Loop...they make a choice, and their continuity is cut. they become the circumstances that change how the story plays out. they get to watch, from the outside, the "what if" scenario that would have led them to the happiness they sought.
it doesn't matter if the party or the world "literally" died and were rewritten in the wake of their wish. they are mourning something that never existed—a world where they are the one who is embraced and accepted without hesitation by a party who knows them. the party that could have given them that is dead, the version of themself that could have had that is dead, they are removed from the happy "what-if" even as it plays out before them. the grief and guilt are real even if the deaths are metaphorical.
there is only one timeline, but they can never again be THE Siffrin who loves their party instead of A Siffrin who changed beyond recognition. their choice destroyed something they can never get back. a party who loved them, and not their replacement. they're dead, they're gone, they're replaced with people who only know to turn that love towards someone else who wears their face.
but of course, of course the opportunity for reconnection still exists. no matter what details change, no matter if the party from the Prologue and the party from ISAT are the same exact people or some rewritten version of them, the fundamental cores of them prevail. and they are predisposed towards loving each other. their happiness is still within reach—it will just look different than they had thought.
#mypost#cw sui mention#i guess. metaphorical mostly#isat spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#as i said in the tags of the post i linked. i LIKE exploring the differences between the prologue and isat#and even ramping them up more than what is evident when you actually compare the games#but as far as loop's feelings/how to interpret canon goes--i don't think it makes that much of a difference?#like. Siffrin is going to feel guilty for Bonnie's death Forever. and that 'technically never happened' either#but there was a timeline where it Did#likewise there WAS a timeline where the whole party looked at saapfrin and saw Siffrin#and that party no longer exists.#they never will again. not in the way they used to even after reintroductions are made#it will Always be different#BUT we DO have the prologue game to reference and personally i think there are enough differences to not just say they're identical#even accounting for the House getting progressively more mixed up deeper into the loop count#all this to say like.........i interpret the 'deaths' that Loop talks about as simultaneously real and metaphorical#and not exclusively one or the other#the details are different in the prologue = they legitimately WERE 'different' people to some minute extent#the details reshuffled as a result of loop's wish = the 'death' of the people Loop knew/who knew Loop on a cosmic and metaphorical scale#also i hope none of this comes across as like. confrontational or anything somehow towards the op of that post#genuinely happy to read it and get different insights that made me think more deeply about my own perspective!#god why do i write two posts every time i write a post. a million lines of tag clarifications always#i didn't dwell much on the Isabeau portion but it's like. his choice was deliberate and purposeful and he STILL saw it as a 'death'#of COURSE Loop is going to see this thing they did to OTHER PEOPLE that irrevocably changed the course of their lives#ACCIDENTALLY AND WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT#as 'killing them' in some way. in some ways it's the same as ANY loop reset where they get rewritten#but in others it's so so much bigger than that.#more final than dying and going back to how they were.
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I need all the lore about Lamb and Standish too. When did they become so dependent on each other? Did they ever get drunk together back in the day? Did they ever sleep together? We know he cares about her a lot and feels guilty AND protective over her since Partner, but does he actually love her and is he in denial about this? I have so many questions
OK OK OK SO. I just finished the first book (woohoo) and. I am honestly so thrilled to say that what little lore we got from the first book at least aligned a lot with some of the stuff that I had come to my own conclusions about from having watched the show... way too many times now. And I have to say- real credit to Saskia and Gary and Will Smith for putting it together in the show the way they did because man. I feel like they give us so many subtextual clues and they really capitalize on each and every one of them that it makes doing my job as a film scholar just super fun.
Anways- on the Standish and Lamb situation? I have lots of thoughts. Most of which I wrote down last night in a complete stupor because this is what keeps me up at night thinking about this character dynamic. So buckle up. We're gonna ramble our way through my own thoughts and ideas about all this.
Like to start, to me it seems that they really never had much contact at all back in the day, and that makes sense: considering Jackson's mostly in Berlin playing Moscow rules in the field while Standish is at home holding the fort for Charles, there's not a lot of overlap with each other physically but they did know each other as much as they needed to know at the time: Standish was Partner's drunk PA, and Lamb was the Joe of All Joes (can I make it any more obvious?). What little contact they may have ever had was certainly mostly through Charles, and the show gives us some insight to that giving us that little flashback that Catherine has where she seemingly meets Lamb for the first time after "Berlin's blown" (which could mean either the wall came down as Lamb says to Catherine in his half-confession, or that he's referring to the incident that he describes to Katinsky in season 2, and of these two options, my money is on the latter). That looks like a woman being very confused meeting someone she's never really seen before in her life to me (or perhaps has seen while drunk at one time, but doesn't much remember).
I mean most of the rest I feel like I can glean from the incidents themselves. Both of them getting relegated to Slough House after Charles' death seems natural- Catherine with her near miss of a treason charge and Lamb with the fact that he literally assassinated First Fucking Desk of MI5. And it's easy to see how the co-dependency came from there. Catherine as an alcoholic going through AA specifically, seems to revolve around structure to keep herself in check- the way she talks about Charles Partner in Season 2 helps with this. The fact that he payed for her treatment and in return- probably partially because of this need for structure- she latched onto her job as a way to compensate so that she doesn't end up in the same dark place again. So, then being Lamb's secretary, it's still the same kind of structure that she needs, even though this time it doesn't feel as rosy as it might have done with Partner.
- And this is a point that I think about a lot. She does view her whole relationship with Partner with rose colored glasses, even though if you listen to what she's actually saying in those flashbacks from season 1, she's done his laundry, is planning his outfits, put out his flowers- she was doing nothing more than some kind of glorified paid house wife kind of shit for him (and in FACT! I was fooled my first go around season 1 like I genuinely thought that she was deadass his WIFE or something. I think that misconception on my part says a LOT). And Lamb in parallel to that is a great come down from that mountaintop-that she sees herself and Partner as this idylic Q and Money Penny type of thing that she's romanticized in her head for the last 20 years- an illusion that Lamb on every level shatters and is - at least to his credit- honest about. As much as he inconveniences her and as much as he's his raw unfiltered self around her (which- he certainly is more of that around Standish than anyone else he knows. River gets a lot of brutal honesty from Jackson, but none to do with emotional sincerity- like the way Lamb tells Standish the half-truth of Partner's death, and why he *chose* slough house), as much as he's a bully he's still doesn't give her any illusion of what their relationship is or isn't, and no one would see that as a mark of respect on account of him being an "utter bastard", but is all of that really worse than Charles pretending to be her best friend and all the while planning to have her take the fall for him behind her back? (Personally? It's a different kind of bad but Charles is definitely the worst). And it's extra funny situationally because then all of the things she says about how Partner treated her is much more close to the mark to what Lamb did for her, and things that weren't superficial either. "I know that unlike you, he respected me" ("christ, Standish was right", always updates her on what he knows when appropriate and always has her sit in on debriefs when it's safe), "he showed me friendship"(he always pours out a drink for her that he ends up drinking himself, always when things are going to come down on her deals with it *himself* rather than relegate it to the fuck-ups, always has her up to date on things -unless it means blowing cover), "and he believed in me" (he gave HER the gun and let her delegate the hijacking of the MI5 car from Duffy and Webb, let HER do the cool agent stuff, also lets her do some of the investigative work- especially in season 2 when he doesn't interrupt her at ALL when she keeps up with the camera trail on- but also knows her limits, especially in the house of hell where he stuffs her in a closet knowing she can't be of more use because *he* knew he could kill Hobbs, but "now I won't shoot you dead, Mr. Webb,"), "and he kept me on, when anyone else would have thrown me to the wolves."(which is exactly what he did when Partner died, and all the information came out that Partner was going to peg it on her. It wouldn't surprise me if he took the hit for that too in some way. If him getting her treason charge dropped might also be part of why he ended up in Slough House - which if the op was sanctioned initially by David Cartwright might hold some weight. Maybe that was David cleaning up and covering arse like Taverner would do. Maybe Catherine *was* supposed to take the fall, but Jackson refused to let that happen? But that's just a theory. A Slough House Theory).
But the bigger question in this is of course: why? Why on god's green earth does Jackson Lamb give a shit, and why is he so dependent on Standish?
The solution to this feels multi-pronged. First: I think that he has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about innocent people getting caught in the cross-fire of the things that MI-5 get up to, and Catherine fits that bill better than anybody he knows. In season 2 when he talks about the women agents whose deaths he was directly responsible for, he describes it as something he "wishes [he] could unsee"- which for Lamb is saying a lot, considering that to most things (heads on tables, faces blown off with shotguns) he doesn't bat an eye, and even says he's seen worse. What happened to those women and the fact that what he said made that happen I think affected him more deeply than he lets on in that scene, because even though Charles Partner didn't know who they were at all outside of a codename, Jackson did, and probably knew them very well. And Charles as their shadowy overlord who was just moving them like pieces on a chessboard never had to pay the emotional price for that, nor did David Cartwright. But Lamb did. Because as much as he denies it to keep people looking the other way, Lamb does have a heart, and it's hard to earn but it's not impossible.
And he always does take the emotional fall for things! He says in season 4 that he "had a heart until he worked for [David Cartwright]" whom he also said "gave [him] a job once". The way those lines conflict in tone but also reveal a lot about how he views his own fall from grace says so much. David Cartwright got him into this business, but under his direction he hardened for it (something that I think connects him to River more than that boy will ever understand. Also is what makes Lamb a better mentor than Peepaw Cartwright, but that's another story) not to mention that for all intents and purposes, Lamb and Partner were actually good friends, and that this betrayal and the fact that he had to do it himself (even though maybe his feelings were mixed on the matter- that maybe he even loved Partner too in a similar way that Standish did at one point in time, but the lives lost from his betrayal weighed on Lamb more- and as we all know, from Catherine's own mouth, he'll do anything to get even for his Joes).
Which brings me to my second point: Jackson Lamb wants to be the hero just as much as his protege River Cartwright does, but the reality of their whole line of work is that there are very few instances in which anyone gets to be, but Catherine is one of the rare exceptions where he did, and all told, it doesn't feel good. Because there's a couple things at play here right? On the one hand yeah- he did save her from being thrown to the wolves after Partner died and framed her for his crimes! Yes he kept her from facing a treason charge, yes he covers her arse time and time again. But she still is the person who had to find the body. And as we know with Lamb, he knows how bad it is to have found the body better than anyone (I mean- I point to how he reacts to Min's death, and then to Bad Sam's in season 4- so enraged he storms out but also so depressed he steals his last bottle of booze). He didn't get to spare her from that, but he is trying to spare her from the rest of it too(an impulse he couldn't help but let go in the last episode of season 3- while still not incriminating himself, mind you), and that's hard! Because he's not supposed to have a heart ("What goodness? What heart?", "Oh have a heart, Jackson!") but he DOES! And he's taken it upon himself to break it time and time again just so he can keep himself at the top of his game- even though, and here's the secret: it's his heart that makes him the best at what he does! Because he does get involved! "I think your attention has been split between finding [Hassan Ahmed] and burning me!"- he does on some level actually give a shit about lives lost! Something Lady Di and Tearney and Duffy and even Cartwright Sr. don't consider when THEY play the game. And he cares about the kind of people that have everything to lose from the actions of the people at the top! And he'll martyr himself about it over and over again because he's got the skill better than anyone to do it and he knows it! And to make sure Standish stays right where she is- out of harms way- he'll fucking go to the ends of... idk England. Probably. To make sure she stays out of harms way where she belongs. And as a thread running co-current to that: I think he understands how much having found Partner's body haunts her every waking moment more than she knows- from his own experience, though he's definitely got a higher body count. They all weigh on him just the same ("By the time I was your age, I'd lost a baker's dozen. It was bad enough when the wall was up, but once they reduced it to bricks and rubble, everything went to shit. Whole networks of Joes, rounded up, blown. I haven't forgotten any of them. And I won't forget Sid.")
And then, on the other side of the dice, I think there's also a bit of a self-torture mixed with sadism that's a part of why he keeps her around too. I mean in a lot of ways it seems that it is absolute torture to him to keep Catherine around, considering she's always harping on about cHaRlEs PaRtNeR (who as we have established- it grates on Jackson that in Catherine's mind Partner is a knight in shining armor when really *he* did all of that way more than Partner ever did for her- though I don't even think Lamb would give himself the credit for that he can't stand that she sees him that way when he was disenchanted and knew all these horrible truths about what he did to his own people for money), and part of that co-dependency is (and I hate to say it) is that he needs to torture SOMEONE other than himself externally for his own friendship with Partner and literally Catherine is the only person with a shred of shared history that he can really do that to. And at the same time, she gets to do it to him. He gets to let her torture him also just a little bit ("What did your last servant die of?" "What did your last boss die of?"). He thrives off of that push and pull of torturing others while actually torturing himself. It's his own fucked up emotional bdsm basically.
Now of course to the biggest question of all: Is it love? Who's to say? Can Lamb ever cut the bullshit and admit to himself that his feelings about the whole Partner situation haunt him like his own shadow? Forever attached to his being? Can Standish ever see beyond her rose-colored glasses about Partner and give Jackson some forgiveness before he farts himself into an early grave for it? I don't know but they're on the fucking clock and I tend to swing back and forth like a pendulum on the notion (like I wouldn't say I ship them, but I wouldn't say that I don't either. Secret third thing: they're just really narratively fucking interesting and that gets me off just as well as anything else so? Yeah I guess).
#I love this show for how it gives you so much subtext to chew on but jesus christ. there's A LOT OF SUBTEXT TO CHEW ON#holy cow. gonna have to check the word count on this. Sorry this is a lot nonnie but there is so much to talk about with them#sorry had to put it under a read more because this is some meta on an epic scale. I'm putting my whole film degree into this#Catherine Standish#Jackson Lamb#standish x lamb#slow horses#ofc there's a bunch of lines in the book to corroborate this as well but I can't be arsed for citations... unless... people want that?#but also I was watching an interview with mick heron himself today as well and he said something that I really think breaks down lamb to hi#core- which to paraphrase is that part of his no-filter kindof attitude is intrinsically tied to his own self loathing- and that comes out#in a whole bunch of different ways that I just think are really fantastic#still going to freak him nasty with my own self-insert/oc tho but it's ok we're open. I'm open.#thank you all for coming to my ted talk#egg's meta
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im in New York rn, how tf did spider-man and the titans save anyone here
#it’s so HUGE#like i knew this before hand in a logical way but it feels so different IN PERSON#I’ve only walked around portions of manhattan and haven’t even touched queens#And omg im so tired… everything is so huge and tall#WHICH IS ANOTHER THING#ITS A WHOLE DIFF THING TO SEE HOW BIG THESE SKYSCRAPERS ARE#I CANT IMAGINE PETER PARKER SCALING AND JUMPING AND CLIMBINH#NEVERMIND BRUCE WAYNE AND HIS CHILD ROBINS#this changes everything
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This is going to border on a bit too personal for me but, with 7.3 coming out soon-ish and that supposedly being the "finale" for dawntrail's story, even with the expansion's flaws, I really don't think I could ever hate it. There are things I wish would've been done better, but I think having an expansion entirely centered around grief and dealing with personal loss like DT's story did (whereas SHB was holding onto grief and fighting for a better future in spite of insurmountable odds, and EW was a tale of resisting nihilism and finding hope in even the darkest of times) around the same time I had a family member dying from natural causes was a really odd and emotional experience for me. Like yeah, okay, I'm getting this story now when I am dealing with this personal issue in my life. Okay, yeah, this can happen and rewire my brain chemistry.
#ffxiv#ffxiv dawntrail#DT will always hold an odd and special place in my heart because of this#i totally understand the criticisms but i think when viewing DT as a longer piece on how different cultures grieve#and how humanity should handle death even when on a large and unimaginable scale#or a very personal one-on-one experience#it really changes how you view the whole expansion bc the theme of death is VERY prevalent throughout
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Outfit swap!
All the neighbours who usually wear trousers in skirts, and all the neighbours who usually wear skirts in trousers (or, well, dungarees and a jumpsuit...)
I had fun drawing these. Experimented with how I was colouring and shading a little!
Here's the full page and also a bonus dark version cuz I liked how it looked lmao
Eddie would still want to be professional in a skirt so he'd wear a pencil skirt even though they suck to run in because he's got to look the part!
Wally would think a flowy skirt was fun Frank would not.
#innisart#welcome home#welcome home fanart#welcome home arg#wally darling#eddie dear#frank frankly#howdy pillar#julie joyful#sally starlet#barnaby b beagle#poppy partridge#all of them!#Fun fact about the full pages#everyone but Howdy is just about to scale with each other!#Well I guess Barnaby and Poppy aren't either#but y'know like everyone who's in an outfit#is roughly to scale ^^#This isn't a genderbend btw#they're just wearing different clothes#nothing against genderbends#except that it feels kinda weird when you've got enbies in the roster yknow?#Like what would a genderbent Frank be?#Would he be she/they rather than he/they?#No! because to think that a she/they is the opposite of a he/they#is to fundamentally not understand what it means to be nonbinary#you can't gender bend us#our gender is already warped beyond being able to fit into any other box#that's the whole point#but then what? Do the enbies just not get to join in?
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The Anya-Twilight interaction in the middle of this chapter is pretty interesting.


The Anya side of this interaction seems clear enough in that she's trying to obfuscate when asked about her exposure to classical language. The fact we don't see her face as she claims she doesn't remember makes me think she very possibly *does*, but doesn't want to talk about it. And, of course, as I've seen pointed out already, her face when she's first asked is very reminiscent of how she looks in the recent 'Ania' short chapter. She has thoughts/feelings about her past and they've clearly affected her, but they're not for the audience to see yet.
However, the Twilight side of this? I'm a bit stunned at how obviously he does not want to be asking this question of Anya. We know he's considered there's some reason in her past for her knowledge of classical language. We know he's a chronic overthinker. Even last chapter, he was thinking of this, but didn't ask. Anya getting second place though basically removes any plausible deniability. If he doesn't ask now, he's neglecting his duty. But still, he has to work up to it, almost leaves the room before he decides to broach the topic, and when he does, he *mumbles* it. Twilight doesn't really *act* with Anya when it's just them. His mumbling is not an act; it's reluctance.
His reluctance to ask the question of Anya is, in some ways, more egregious than how easily he drops the topic once Anya claims she doesn't remember. Not pushing her further and bringing the topic up later is a valid tactic (and likely one we may see), but we can see that he knows there's more to it. Unlike the audience, he can see her face, after all. And for now, he's indicated he won't push further despite that knowledge. By choosing to back off and patting Anya instead, he's (in a very low-key way admittedly) prioritising Anya over the mission.
It's just so neat how this one interaction showcases so much about the both of them. It hammers in Anya's trauma about her past, without spelling it out in words, but at the same time, it shows how Twilight's approach to fatherhood vs his mission are coming increasingly into conflict. We've had something similar on a larger scale with the recent Yuri-mole arc, with his role as Yor's spouse vs the mission, but it's still playing out on a smaller scale in scenes like this. And it's fascinating how the mission isn't always the clear-cut winner anymore. Sure, early on, we had Twilight sabotaging the Eden entry interview, but that was a moment of passion inspired by his whole "not wanting children to cry" deal. In other words, fuelled by some of his own trauma. In the recent chapters though, he's had time to think and justify before he acts. But the pendulum is still swinging towards his family when given the chance.
#spy x family#sxf manga spoilers#admittedly whilst I like that he's starting to choose his family more I think sxf has a more nuanced approach to the whole deal#if you spend your time saving the world but not your family then you're still neglecting them. And on the other side#if you say you want to be there for your family bc you don't want to see children cry? Well if there's war then your family will suffer#sxf seems to push for the idea that these two wings should work in tandem. it's not being there for your family OR working for world peace#one doesn't work without the other. and yeah they're on two entirely different scales of magnitude if you take a step back but#they feed into each other? the mission IS important (war would tear apart families) but so is being there WITH them.
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also i know i kNOWW its not the point but the worldbuilding in alnst is so ridiculous and mysterious for no reason like.... wdym the guitar is an alien..... also like are they on a planet? a big ass spaceship?? how does the whole human in space thing work...like... physiologically... how long is a year where they are? how did those two guys bust in thru a window into a spaceship on a motorbikewhat was that about
#that lives in my head rent free like it's so ridiculous#completely normal action scene except set in outer space. physics and biology not affected.#alien stage#alnst#like some of the stuff definitely seems more rule of cool or going off vibes but surely they've put some thought into the worldbuilding#still cant get over freddie the guitar alien that's so funny. like is every guitar just some guy#p#on the topic of the time scale like.... im assuming aliens would have a longer lifespan than humans to be keeping them as pets?#that combined with the whole in space thing. it's possible they have a different conception of time than us#idk idk lolll ok ill shut up now
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Some older doodles of an older story that I am still working on, it’s just taking longer. They’re from the crossover of The Deep that I’ve been doing with my original world filled with lore and creatures from another dimension and…absolutely no story cause i don’t know where to go with it yet. So I’ve been sandboxing a crossover fic with The Deep cause i still want to play with these creatures and the worlds lore and mechanics, and I’m hoping writing some sort of story with it will help spur creative juices with coming up with an actual story for the world. ANYWAYS-
As a refresher for anyone who read the fic, Ant is living in a town that has been experiencing a bunch of random portals opening, releasing a flood of new creatures from another dimension, and triggering a strange transformation in himself that makes him turn into one of the various species from that dimension, and flooding him with a strange urge to protect the people of his town from the more dangerous outer dimensional creatures. Ant as the creature, called a Vareekla, itself hasn’t been too involved in the fics I’ve written themselves quite yet, and I’ve only posted i think, like, one doodle of what exactly the Vareekla looks like
So, all of that bit of a description later, have some doodles of Vareekla!Ant being a Creature and…well, Ant




#he’s very Creature#I’m still working out the specific shades of blue and the scale pattern around his legs#but these are pretty much what Ant looks like when he’s the Vareekla#that last one is a pretty accurate representation of his feelings about this whole situation#once they get over the whole ‘ant shapeshifts into an outer-dimensional creature now??’#ants family just carries on with their lives like nothing’s different#(ant gets very confused about this)#the day Fontaine finds out Vareekla have an equivalent to toe beans is simultaneously one of the worst days of ants life#hes fighting for his life#the deep 2015#the deep cartoon#ant nekton#antaeus nekton#fontaine nekton#kaiko nekton#he’s just very Creature to me like this. very skrunkly and cat-like and Very Creature#original work#original creature
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I was looking into the prices of straws to artificially inseminate sheep and I'm just laughing at some of these sire names.
#my posts#not my sheep#some of these names sound like they were running out of name ideas#club lambs are on a whole different scale that what I'm used too#I don't like the look of cowboy killer#I would really want to know what his weight gain/weaning weight/ etc information#cause he ain't a looker
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