#lets make fantasy classes discourse posts

[crazysodomite]

necromancers DNI. it has to be said the graverobbing discourse is insane. please don't act like a coy little law-abiding conjurer when you come into the tavern to play devil's advocate on NECROMANCY???? we all know what you're doing. and please don't even start accusing me of hating on all conjurers. not what i'm talking about. i'm sure most conjurers do not, in fact, practice necromancy. which makes it so much more suspicious when a mage starts saying that "adventurers taking shit from tombs is basically on the same level as necromancy". it's different. it's literally different. i mean, i don't condone it either but you know. great grandpa isn't gonna care if i take his enchanted dagger. he doesn't need it! and if it's a skilled thief doing it then the damn spirits aren't gonna know a thing! this world is tough and we all gotta do what we gotta do. but what we are not going to be doing is trying to justify necromancy. no. absolutely not. enough of this ridiculousness.

[daddyduncan69]

One of my recent posts got a few comments about media literacy being dead and Neil being an unreliable narrator so I want to clear some things up.

Firstly, media literacy isn't dead becuase it cannot die. Also, I am not a big fan of fear mongering. Humans have always sought to understand and communicate with each other about the things we create. It is a skill that can be taught and should be practiced. There is no one right way to do it. And, while I think the education system fails so many of us (something something to make us easier to control something something), I also think that there are tons of resources to help us learn without the need for an official "teacher". So, instead of pessimistically saying is it "dead" (especially on someone's textual analysis post, like... are you saying I prove it's dead becuase I don't have media literacy? are you agreeing with me and therefore proving yourself wrong? do I not count for some reason? i don't think I get it), engage in discourse about media that you love. And I mean actual discourse, not just fighting on social media about whether or not everyone should "like" your favorite character. Ask yourself "what is the effect of this rhetorical device in the text?" "is the text trying to make me like or not like this character? is it working, why or why not," (do not ask "why did the author do this?" because that is not relevant nor are you a mind reader). Take free online Literature classes from colleges that help you learn how to analyze. Invite others to do it with you. Join or start a book club. Engage in various types of media, not just YA, fantasy, fiction, etc. Consider kindly rebutting or offering a counter point to other people's interpretations, bringing actual textual evidence to back up your points. Use Google Scholar to access free scholarly articles to see academic prospectives on various medias that are not just from social media or blogs. Your local library may even have subscriptions to paid sights like JSTOR or collections of essays that would let you access articles that are otherwise behind a paywall. All of these things can help improve your own media literacy and, in turn, will help improve the media literacy of the people around you.

Secondly, the point of my other post was NOT that Neil is an unreliable narrator. I've seen a lot of people make this claim so I wanted to chime in. Unreliable narrators are marked by a few characteristics, some of which are exaggeration, detachment from reality, naivety, and deception of the reader. I don't believe Neil falls into any of these categories. I would be open to arguments that claim he does, but it would be hard to sway me because I can't find any textual evidence to support it. This is an important distinction to me because the larger claim I make in that post is that ALL narration, 1st person, 3rd person, omniscient, limited, etc is biased- all of it. It is CRUCIAL as readers to identify a narrators biases and consider the text through that lens. If you aren't practicing doing that (or only doing it when the narrator is "unreliable") you can easily fall into the trap of saying "well Neil says Kevin is a coward so he is", which is obviously an issue in the grand scheme of textual analysis. However, you can also easily fall into the trap of saying "Neil is an unreliable narrator because he is wrong about things/lies to people/has trauma so you can't trust him". I believe that Neil tells us as the reader the truth in his narration almost 100% of the time, Neil just lies to the other characters 24/7. So, as readers we should take what he says in his internal monologue at face value but question the motives behind his dialogue with other characters.

Anyway, that was a long winded, probably boring monologue about critical textual analysis. I devote maybe 16 out of my 18 waking hours to thinking about this, so thanks for hanging in there to read it all. I just care so deeply that we as a culture continue to grow these skills without shaming those who haven't had the same opportunities to learn how to do it or making the act of learning how to feel hopeless or doomed.

[snellyfish]

Why is Angie your favourite character?

This is really funny I just got off call with Glownary and was talking about how much I don't miss Danganronpa discourse. Anyway I hope someone finds a way to get mad at me in this post!

((Admittedly I'd probably actually place Korekiyo above her because he ACTUALLY has a relevant and specified canon story,,, but, y'kno))

Plain and simple, she just has a handful of design and character tropes I super adore in characters! As a base, I'm usually not super into,,, well-adjusted, well-liked , reasonable, and rational characters. LMAO. They're fine but I live for exaggeration. I LOVE when they're little freaks and not watered down at all for the viewers sake/comfort, I love when they (both the writers and the written) just keep twisting the knife for no good reason other than the bit despite how unconventional it may be.

One could argue that her not being watered down and being as shitty to the other players as she is is a trauma response, or just a mentally ill person being mentally ill. It can be neat to think of her that way sometimes! It's of my opinion that almost all Danganronpa characters are super open-ended lore/personality-wise and we as fans are just making up canon as we go because it's FUCKING FUN, and, as such, all the ways that Angie can be interpreted is very interesting to me-- EVEN if that's seen as "the irredeemable annoying religion-force-feeding zealot antagonist." Which is, of course, an objectively awful way to view anyone REGARDLESS of media illiteracy, but, you know! I like weird freaks so this "flaw" they see is simply more food for me. Yippee!!

Whether I think she's canonically A) genuinely malicious and sadistic, B) traumatized from an abusive religious sect, C) honestly caring about the other players, and/or D) none/all of the above? I'll never tell! Oops all bangers!

Tropes I enjoy, whether or not I found myself enjoying them BECAUSE of Angie herself;;

Religion, especially if it's horrifying and...bad! (Most of my own characters deal heavily with religion and religious trauma, I think it's cool to play with, whether or not it's a fantasy religion like I think Angie's is)

CULTS! Cult behavior! Let's live in a commune!! (GUYS I LOVE MIDSOMMAR)

Dark skin / light hair contrast color combo goes hard!!!

+ The pansexual flag palette is literally my favorite color combo ever!!!!

Manipulative little shits!!!!!

Small scary women!!!!!!

Islander stuff, it's very nostalgic to me and I just have a deep love and appreciation for the beach and ocean!!!!!!!

Piercings!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cutesy sunshine character who could and would stab you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IDK HOW THIS WASN'T MY FIRST POINT!!!!!!!!!!

AND SHE'S JUST FUCKING SILLY!!!!!!!! SHE'S GENUINELY SO FUNNY AND CUTE ESPECIALLY IN HER INTERACTIONS WITH SHUICHI!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE HER SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She was an IMMEDIATE favorite when I played V3 and when I found out that, like, everyone fucking HATED her and she's probably the least liked character in the entire class by the fans, my brain immediately went the contrarian route to find reasons to like her even MORE. I tend to do this a lot, but when it's a character I already enjoy, it's even worse, dude.

ummmmm obligatory Shinnaga mention sorry but I frequently tend to appreciate a character a lot more based on potential dynamics alone. Ships, romantic or not, have legitimately gotten me to enjoy characters I hated before, based on interesting interactions unique to them alone. So while Kiyo and Angie's (they're making out btw) ingame dynamic and dialogues aren't REALLY what my sick and twisted mind views them as, it's worth noting that my honest belief and interpretation of the two of them could even give me a sliver of that dynamic being possible .......... means she's fuckin slay ............ it means love wins..... It means Vote For Yonaga 2024

[wordingg]

Is it literally the last day of the year? yes. did i really wait until the absolute last day to make my 'year in reading' post? yes. will anyone care? absolutely not.

THIS YEAR WAS A GOOD YEAR FOR READING! I read exactly 100 books this year (wow such a nice round number). My top genre this year was fantasy (65 books), followed by LGBTQIA (50 books), and coming in third is romance (32 books). Of the books I read 58% were digital, 37% were print, and a measly 5% were audio (sorry audiobooks).

My favorite books that I read this year!!! (in no particular order)

His Secret Illuminations/His Sacred Incantations by Scarlett Gale. It really feels like the author of this duology took all my preferences, kinks, and favorite tropes, threw them in a blender, and hit 'fuck it up'. These books have role reversal, religious guilt/oppression, a high fantasy setting, a plot that revolves around toppling the powers that be and standing up for yourself, plus! PLUS! a muscle mommy. Like, shut. Just shut up okay.

Mr. Warren's Profession by Sebastian Nothwell. I'd like to list every one of Sebastian Nothwell's books, because I think I've read almost all of them this year, but that would be messy so I picked my favorite one. It's a gay regency romance with a wet cat/golden retriever couple, including a former sex worker, love reaching across divisions of class, and discourse on industrial revolution era factories and union busting. Like, just take my money okay? No more words need to be said.

True Love Bites by Joy Demorra. Is it the werewolf/vampire romance? Is it the alternate Victorian England setting? Or is it the triumphant subversion of every tired awful romance trope that I hate? Honestly, any of these would have made this book a big hit with me, but the combination of all three really put it over the top. This is such a lovely book and I am gnawing on the bars of my enclosure waiting for the next one.

Camp Damascus by Chuck Tingle. I'm really sad that I have waited this long to read Mr. Tingle's traditionally published books, because this book slam dunked my ass. After I finished it I just sort of laid on the floor for a bit and let my five year old use my ribs as a trampoline. I love the protagonist of this book so much. She was so rich and vibrant, flawed but also perfect. She felt real to me, you know? And then to layer that with a story about religious guilt and oppression (I really don't want to find out this is a new thing with me), disturbing imagery, and a quest to do the right thing and help strangers? Yeah, I'm in. You got me. You got me good, Mr. Tingle.

Starling House by Alix E. Harrow. I went into this book knowing almost nothing about it, but it absolutely grabbed me by the throat within the first few chapters. It's very hard to describe, but I'm going to give it a try. Imagine that Alice in Wonderland was real and also it happened in the American South. Now, imagine that after Alice came back to reality, she put a curse on her hometown which allowed creatures from Wonderland to come through and just like murder your grandma occasionally. Now, it's modern times, but your small town is under the dark clouds of both a generations old curse and an evil corporate overlord and you're just an angry homeless girl who's more likely to bite than to say thank you and somehow you've got to save your brother from both the curse and the corporation. Oh yeah and there's a hot bisexual guy living in a sentient house who sort of has a thing for you, but in a slouching goth boy way. There. There, I think I did it.

Honorable Mentions (also in no particular order): - The Husky and His White Cat Shizun by Rou Bao Bu Chi Rou (Xianxia version of "if this burn goes any slower, I'm gonna lock you both in a closet, oh wait nevermind we've already tried that multiple times.") - Born of Scourge by S. Jean (WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE SAD? LOOK AT THIS LITTLE GUY! LOOK AT HIM! HE WAS BORN ALREADY TRAUMATIZED!) - Delicious In Dungeon by Ryoko Kui (I only read one manga series this year and this was it. It more than earned it's spot.) - Any Way the Wind Blows by Rainbow Rowell (if you thought this book was bad, you're wrong. I'm sorry. I called Mother Theresa in hell and she agreed with me. yeah, you're wrong.) - All About Lust by Gong Lyong Kim (I believe that this is what art school is like for everyone until it's proven otherwise.)

What books did you guys read this year? Did you guys read any of these books (please shout at me about them I'll shout back)? Got any good recs?

[macrotiis]

- 29 y/o aries ♈️

- gender-neutral testosterone beast, I'm trans 💉(2016) & post-op (2023) TME & perisex.

- xe/xem/xyrs, he/him or she/her.

- @rainbowmancer-gwen is my fox gf 💙

- Aus/NZ Pakeha (white)

- 18 +, no minors pls, this is not a NSFW heavy blog tho.

- #noid is for images without descriptions or functional alt text.

No DNI, I just block. I usually block bigots, rude ppl, pointless discourse, harry potter fans, proshippers (some "antis" too, idk this whole thing is dumb to me), & sometimes ppl who just annoy me. I'm here for a good time, I'm not here to argue & I don't appriciate ppl trying to start shit. (Letting me know of I'm rbing someone shitty is appriciated.)

Please HARD BLOCK me if you don't want me to follow you. I'll assume tumblr is fucking up & re-follow if I'm softblocked coz that happens a lot, please just properly block me.

I'm Blitz, I'm a commie anarchist furry from down-under & my tagging system is a mess. (More info under the cut)

I love animals, hairless cats & australian wildlife are my faves. Blue & purple are my fave colors. I like loud electronic & alt music; Punk, Metal, Nu-Metal, New-Wave, Ska, Drum n Bass, Industrial, Breakcore, ect.

I draw a lot, it's like my number 1 thing, art blog is @staticblitz.

I'm not a huge fandom person, but I have a Crash Bandicoot blog @n-trance, Crash Bandicoot is my number 2 thing.

I love science fiction, fantasy & horror, stuff like; Crash Bandicoot, Spyro the Dragon, Elder Scrolls, Fallout, Star Trek, Invader Zim, Doctor Who, Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, Dorohedoro, Berserk, Digimon Furries & table top role-playing games.

I'm a weird kind of aroace bisexual queer, I'm a transsexual in the sense that I'm trans, I take hormones (testosterone) & am post-op (hysterectomy); I believe being trans is different for everyone & hate truscum/transmeds. I also don't like transandrophobia/transmisandry truthers, listen to trans women & learn about transmisogyny without getting defensive. I promise you, there is space for us in the framework of discussions about transmisogyny already. PLEASE don't take posts I make about *MY* experiences as someone transmasc adjacent & get mad thinking I'm generalizing the whole trans man/transmasc community. I am one guy (system) & cannot speak for the entire community & I don't try to!

I am kink & sex positive, I sometimes do sexwork & I talk about it sometimes. That said I do have boundaries & I do think you ought to be responsible for what you post & where (ie; tag that shit & keep it away from kids). I cant prevent it, but would prefer DDLG or ABDL blogs not follow or interact with me (it's fine if you use a non-kink related blog instead. I don't judge you, I just have trauma surrounding this). Thanks 💖

Proshippers are weird, not keen on antis either but equating finding your pedo/incest fanfic a bit gross to police violence is actually nonsensical, end of discussion.

I think Marxism is pretty pog, I'm by no means an expert but I am very politically active where I live. I grew up poor with my 2 siblings & my single disabled mum, we are ex-Jehovahs Witnesses (yes thats important). This has shaped a lot of my world view, I align myself with the marginalised & working class people of the world. I am heavily critical of capitalism, liberalism, nationalism & imperialism. If you have a problem with commies or anarchists, you probably won't like me. I hate fascists & I hate cops. I love my community tho & working together with anyone who wants to work toward a better world.

I am moderately able-bodied, but have mental disabilities. I don't wanna share all but I have autism, C-PTSD & chronic fatigue among many other things. I am a system, I hate syscourse, endo systems are welcome here, ableists demanding medical history are not.

I will tag for any trigger if you ask me, I already tag a large amount of things for both categorization & moderation.

Do not send me donation posts, thanks.

This is my fursona, draw xem if you want I would love that :3

[coolfire333]

Not to post discourse but *posts discourse*

Tldr; "proshippers" piss off and touch grass you are GROSS I do not welcome you here AT ALL, "antishippers" please learn to be respectful of "weird/morally questionable/toxic" but otherwise "legal" ships and have media nuance you are on thin ice dude JUST BE KIND TO PEOPLE AND BLOCK (/REPORT WHEN APPLICABLE), DON'T HARASS

Ok I seriously hate the lack of nuance in modern fandom re: shipping discourse

Granted I was not online until 2016 when I first made my tumblr so I only got remnants of the untagged "wild west" of the internet but I truly feel as if I've seen some of the worst when it comes to shipping discourse

Like I'm actually worried that I'm gonna get burnt at the stake for liking a boss/employee age difference ship because of the questionable power dynamics that come with it even though there's nothing else "wrong" with the ship the way I wanna depict it. Like god I wanna explore that ship more in art/writing despite knowing that it's questionable but I've already got told to kill myself once over my writings (don't even know why that happened tbh) and I really don't want to have that happen again

But I also don't want people to see that I ship something like that and think that I'm proshipper-friendly, anyone who earnestly uses that label 9.9 times outta 10 is just an absolute creep who hides behind the "it's fiction :)" excuse to romanticize pedo/incest/noncon stuff which is NASTY like you realize how chronically online you have to be to think that's remotely ok or normal to most people

And the earnestly "anti-ship" side is so bad too like jesus christ I can't even fully align myself with them either!! Like I swear to god they'll see a ship with a 20 year old and a 30 year old and think that 10-year age gap is inherently problematic and that depicting dark content is Bad even if it's not even being romanticized and they're WAY to eager to harass people over stuff that literally doesn't matter

I swear to god some of these people need to retake english class or any other sort of media analysis class because oh my god depiction is not always normalization/romanticization!!! But the second you start to say that a bunch of absolute CREEPS begin crawling out of the woodwork to defend your points like no dude piss off I know you're whacking it to morally depraved pornography in your spare time and trying to pass it off as "normal fantasies" YUCK!!!

The staunch antishippers will assume you're proship if you don't want to use either label and the proshippers will do the exact same thing like "yeah sure no label but you're one of us right ;)" NO!!!!!!!!!! I literally do not want to be associated with either side they are both cesspools and the antiship side is only better if you ignore the rampant harassment and intimidation tactics and undeserved callouts

Literally go touch grass and leave me alone both of you I really do not want to receive more suicide bait or any death threats over wanting fictional characters to kiss each other or hold hands or, yes, even (consentually) fuck nasty even if it's morally questionable but I swear to god if you're so much as turning your head to people outwrite getting off to depraved shit romanticizing pedo/incest/noncon like "hmmm it's fiction, doesn't bother me if other people do it" then you are VILE

But don't go out harassing people who like nasty stuff just block them and make sure not to let them enter your space jesus it's literally THAT EASY

[grandhotelabyss]

Wait wasn't logo allways against Nietsche? What makes this rant unique? (Don't use twitter anymore so cant check it for myself) Still, I kinda get his position, there is that very anti-human bend of modern "nietschians", that allways have this misanthropic and mechanistic outlook, with everyone being just stupid and evil, which justifies their cruelty to them. And, because I am simmilar to logo, with being at the same time very emotioanl/moralistic while ironically being very logical, I just take the spite out in doing the whole "yes, and" thing from standup and turning the logic of nietsche back on the nietschieans - Aren't they the real last men? Just crying about the loss of traditions they only care for some abstract pragmatic value, allways whinning about the hypocrisy of the true alpha predator of the gendergoblin class of real overmen who actually are beyond morals - using them actually cynically to enforce their will of power - basically what I mean is that "the cold truth" is what exposes the absurdity of nietschianism - the aphex predator, the strong or better said "fit" isnt some homo-erotic ayan fantasy, some Aragorn photoshoped with blond hair blue eyes and sonnenrad on his shield, but the same "cockroaches" that they despise - as they are the only once surviving meteors and nuclear blasts that kills both the mighty dinosaurs and caesars, so are the "dysgenic woketards" the once that seize the day, the once that live like they would if they had to live again (cause thats the most optimised way to get power lol) Anyways, prolly should just put this all in my comic as a heavy handed illustrated didactic parabell, but till I get till that, this will do (or due? idk I cant spell in my mother tongue so english - no chance) Ofcourse, I know this is more than a vulgar way of making a charicature of nietsche, but maybe that is not so bad - cause that lets one get, what one means when they say "Nietsche is bad/stupid/midwit/propoganda". Still I will apreciate Nietsche for shitting on universitys, cause I felt so "validated" feeling the same while studying, one could really see how I was some loser with a tumblr account who writes questions anonomyosly on the off chance somebody will track this down lol

Yes, Nietzsche has to be read against himself, because all the biological stuff about eugenics that's in e.g. Twilight of the Idols is at odds with the other material about the shaping power of language in discourse and art (in "Truth and Lie" or The Birth of Tragedy), with the two strains confronting each other directly in The Genealogy of Morals, which I've recommended reading exactly backwards, so that the Jews and Christians are its heroes. Then there's also the very different Thus Spoke Zarathustra, which seems to me to lead to spiritual discipline and something like Jungian psychology. He's a suggestive, poetic writer interestingly and poignantly at war with himself, not a guide to life to be swallowed whole. His greatest legacy is the major modern writers he inspired. This is why I suggest thinking about him in a literary rather than philosophical lineage, alongside Goethe and Emerson and Joyce. But even he shrewdly warned his readers against going around calling themselves supermen and denouncing everybody else as last men in Zarathustra. He predicted how his own work would become for a certain type of alienated male its own bible of ressentiment.

Logo probably was always anti-Nietzschean, because, if I recall his "lore" properly, he's been under the influence of Groys and Kojève since his undergraduate days. Those men, however, are/were capable of confronting the heat-death of post-historical culture with a beatific bodhisattva smile. They would even be the types to welcome Nietzsche as the needed negative moment in the historical dialectic they so calmly diagnose and submit themselves to. I think. But I don't really care enough about philosophy to know for sure.

[tanadrin]

In 3 months there is gonna be a call out about you that will make you abadon your tumblr

thanks for the warning! i'd hate for any callout posts to miss my most problematic opinions. let's see here... ok, i'm contemptuous of almost all forms of spirituality and religion, i think i'm on record as saying that astrology is both proto-fascist and a way for people to avoid having to deal with their actual emotional issues, 'victim's rights' as a movement is actually fascist, most anticolonial discourse is just white ethnonationalism that's been brownwashed, and most of the anti-racist activism that's in vogue right now is useless.

but here are some other opinions to cancel me over. pick whichever ones seem most problematic to you:

english orthography is good, actually.

there is no scenario on this earth where i would rather swim in the gross slimy ocean than in a nice clean swimming pool. absolutely none. fuck the ocean. it's full of dead fish and it's existentially terrifying.

i find it basically impossible to grok nonbinary people who present in a way indistinguishable from their ASAB.

cats are slightly preferable to dogs

almost all fantasy fiction is irredeemably derivative of first-wave fantasy (roughly ending with Lord of the Rings), in a way which betrays a fundamental narrowness of imagination among almost all fantasy enjoyers.

ASOIAF specifically is trash. And not the fun kind.

kids seeing fucked up things on the internet too young is good actually

ok, that's kind of a contrarian way to make my point, which is a bit subtler, but is essentially:

i trust young people to seek out information and develop their own intellectual curiosities and identities much more than i trust sanctimonious gatekeepers to accurately judge what is bad for them and what is good, and given the structure of our society the only people who are empowered by censorship are prudes, authoritarians, and bigots. i do not at all trust the average parent not to infantilize or intrude on the autonomy of their kid in a way that's more harmful to them than accidentally seeing weird porn on the internet

age of consent laws, on balance, probably do a lot more harm (in the form of subjecting teenagers engaging in consensual and healthy sexual activity to state violence, usually along lines of class and race and gender) than good (in prosecuting adults who sexually exploit children). there are much better ways to protect children from sexual exploitation by adults.

abolishing the nuclear family, for instance

"asexual" is kind of a weird label to form identity politics around. not saying it's bad, just that it seems fundamentally different from most other classifications of sexual identity, in that there have been approved social roles for asexuals for centuries, and if anything, celibacy, or at least a lack of overt interest in sex, is generally considered to be morally neutral to laudatory historically, unlike homosexuality or a deviant gender expression.

discourse on cultural appropriation is stupid

'witchcraft' is really cringe. imitation of older customs in an effort to revive them will always involve reifying things as conscious Traditions that were simply part of the normal background of life, which renders any attempt to re-create them pure performance that can never capture the spirit of the original. plus, nobody who's in to neopaganism or witchcraft seems to have more than a shallow understanding of the history and culture in which the practices they're interested in were embedded, even if they're nominally descended from that culture. in many cases such a deep understanding is simply not possible owing to a lack of evidence.

goa's annexation by India was not only illegal but unjust.

higher levels of buddhist practice and spiritual attainment resemble both spiritual psychosis and garden-variety spiritual abuse too much for that to really be a coincidence.

the dutch language is inherently ridiculous

communities do not have moral rights. individuals and collections of individuals have moral rights, and we can speak of group moral rights as a useful shorthand for that, but frequently we get lost at that layer of abstraction and start treating groups as first-class concepts, and this produces (at best) inane conclusions and (at worst) an excuse to fuck over individuals in service of the community--which in practice cashes out to serving the interests of the elite that runs the community, i.e., authoritarian conservatism. authoritarian conservatism is not better just because the authoritarian conservatives it serves happen to be a racial or religious minority.

not only should all monarchies be abolished, countries that have abolished their monarchies should make it illegal to accept titles of nobility

germany was too lenient by letting people keep their titles as part of their name during the German Revolution. they should have abolished them full stop.

even orders of merit are on thin fucking ice

maine is the rightful territory of massachussetts, and mainers are a fictional ethnicity created to justify the destruction of Greater Massachussetts. Massachussetts should annex it.

Make Washington D.C. Square Again

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

This is not something that I would usually post, but I have my limits and the things I have seen lately...Let's say I can be angry as well. As I have stated in my first post on this blog, I will not and never talk about the personal life of the people that I have an interest of. I won't make speculations on a blog because I believe that it's simply not my business. That doesn't mean I don't talk about shipping discourse, which is something that I have done several times. I am never part of it, but I do  like to observe it, to understand its changes and its mechanisms. I like to stay informed on everything, not just about a particular ship. Some are just fantasies where there's some form of acknowledgment on the part of the shippers that it's only that, some are batshit crazy, but still interesting to observe. Some are really hellbent on proving or disproving if something is ''real''.

There is no secret that out of all of BTS, the two members that I really like are Jimin and Jungkook. I have written about GCF Tokyo from a semiotic perspective analyzing the media product, I have written about Black Swan and how such a performance can be interpreted through a queer lens. This helps me situate myself in the realm of interpretation of what I can see with my own eyes, artistic wise. But because of my interest, I like to keep tabs on the online discourse as well, mostly for research purposes and today I want to talk about tumblr and jikook discourse. I usually refrain from judging shipping and most of the time and in theory I stick to that. But that doesn't mean I'm immune to all the bullshit so this post is about that because I can also have opinions.

I will start with an advice, even if it's unsolicited. If shippers like their fictional jikook ship that much (and 90% of what is written is pure fiction), there are options. Like, pick some characters from movies, tv series, books. Or Archive of our Own is for free. Or, maybe put that imagination to some good use and enroll in a creative writing class. It's a better use, trust me. Shippers don't know these people, they never will. Same as me and everyone else who reads this post. But somehow, it has become normalized to write how Jimin feels or what Jungkook thinks, taking gazes and words as some indication, social media posts and what they could possibly mean. Everything is a fucking game, a puzzle to be solved. One tries to do some convincing, others need to be convinced. One is insecure while another shouts from the rooftops how the ship is real. ''Insecure jikookers'' feel oppressed because they are not taken seriously (I'm surprised they don't call it bullying), while others are so sure that the ship is real. Insecure over what? Confident over what? With the risk of repeating myself, this is not some game. This is only the public life of two public figures. None of these shippers, no matter in which camp they situate themselves will ever know what is going on in these people's private life. The most respectful thing they could do is to simply observe. No one is better, no one's opinion is more correct, no one is more of an intellectual because they don't see what others see. It's all a joke, but a very bad one. Their own subjectivity makes it all pointless.

Shippers, supporters, doubters, angry or insecure people, everyone is just the same. They are all spending time everyday making speculations. What's with the sense of superiority? Jimin and Jungkook don't own anyone anything. They have a life outside of what we all see as public content that no analysis will help someone figure out what is like. Also, I know human experiences are most of the time similar, no matter in which part of this world we are born, but please stop projecting individual life experiences on two Korean guys in their 20s. I am tired seeing how cultural context is completely dismissed. They are not from Mars, but there are differences influenced by upbringing, gender, social context, life experience, etc.

There's nothing wrong with liking a duo, or a ship and even engaging in shipping discourse. But god, a bit of respect. Is that too much to ask in this day and age on the internet? Looking at the jikook tag and blogs, it's so obvious how despite preaching they are supporters and how they like Jimin and Jungkook as individuals, in practice, given how they write and what asks are usually posted, the complete opposite transpires. At this point, what does respect even mean?

[bogkeep]

hmmmmmmmmmm maybe i’ll write an Introspective Musing Post about my relationship to religion and their depiction in stories because i’ve pondering about this topic lately

so for those who are reading this and DON’T know what’s been going on...  there’s this webcomic i fell in love with some years ago, about six years actually, that depicts a post-apocalyptic fantasy/horror adventure set in the nordic countries. it had, and has still, some very uncomfortable flaws regarding racial representation, and the creator has historically not dealt very well with criticism towards it. it’s a whole Thing. my relationship with this comic has fluctuated a lot, since there are a lot of elements in it i DO love and i still feel very nostalgic about, and like idk i felt like i trust my skills in critical thinking enough to keep reading. aaand then the creator went a teensy bit off the deep end created a whole minicomic which is like... a lukewarm social media dystopia where christians are oppressed (and also everyone is a cute bunny, including our lord and saviour jesus christ). which is already tonedeaf enough considering there are religious people who DO get prosecuted for their faith, like, that’s an actual reality for a lot of people - but as far as i can tell, usually not christians. and then there’s an afterword that’s like, “anyway i got recently converted and realized i’m a disgusting human being full of sin who doesn’t deserve redemption but jesus loves me so i’ll be fine!! remember to repent for your sins xoxo” and a bunch of other stuff and IT’S KIND OF REALLY CONCERNING i have, uh, been habitually looking at the reactions to and discussions around this, maybe it’s not very self care of me but there’s a lot of overwhelming things rn and it’s fantastically distracting, yknow? like, overall this situation is fairly reminiscent of the whole jkr thing. creator of a series that is Fairly Beloved, does something hurtful, handles backlash in a weird way, a lot of people start taking distance from Beloved Series or find ways to enjoy it on their own terms, creator later reveals to have been fully radicalized and releases a whole manifesto, and any and all criticism gets framed as harassment and proving them right. of course, one of them is a super rich person with a LOT of media power and a topic that is a lot more destructive in our current zeitgeist, and the other is an independent webcomic creator, so it’s  not the same situation. just similar vibez ya feel as a result of this, i have been Thinking. and just this feels like some sort of defeat like god dammit she got me i AM thinking about the topic she wrote about!!! i should dismiss the whole thing!!! but thinking about topics is probably a good thing so hey lets go. me, i’m agnostic. i understand that this is a ‘lazy’ position to take, but it’s what works for me. i simply do not vibe with organized religion, personally. (i had the wikipedia page for ‘chaos magic’ open in a tab for several weeks, if that helps.) i was raised by atheists in a majorly atheist culture. christian atheist, i should specify. norway has been mostly and historically lutheran, and religion has usually been a private and personal thing. it turns out the teacher i had in 7th grade was mormon, but i ONLY found out because he showed up in a tv series discussing religious groups in norway later, and he was honestly one of the best teachers i have ever had - he reignited the whole class’ interest in science, math, and dungeons and dragons. it was a real “wait WHAT” moment for my teenage self. i think i was briefly converted to christianity by my friend when i was like 7, who grew up in a christian family (i visited them a couple times and always forgot they do prayers before dinner. oops!), but like, she ALSO made me believe she was the guardian of a secret magic orb that controls the entire world and if i told anybody the world would burn down in 3 seconds. i only suspected something was off when one day the Orb ran on batteries, and another day the Orb had to be plugged in to charge. in my defense i really wanted to be part of a cool fantasy plot. i had no idea how to be a christian beyond “uuuuh believe in god i guess” so it just faded away on its own. when i met this friend several years later, she was no longer christian. i think every childhood friend of mine who grew up in a christian family, was no longer christian when they grew up. most notably my closest internet friend whose family was catholic - she had several siblings, and each of them took a wildly different path, from hippie treehugger to laveyan satanist or something in that area. (i joined them for a sermon in a church when they visited my town. my phone went off during it because i had forgotten to silence it. oops!) ((i also really liked their mother’s interpretation of purgatory. she explained it as a bath, not fire. i like that.)) i have never had any personal negative experiences with christianity, despite being openly queer/gay/trans. the only time someone has directly told me i’m going to hell was some guy who saw me wearing a hoodie on norway’s constitution day. yeah i still remember that you bastard i’ve sworn to be spiteful about it till the day i die!! i’ve actually had much more insufferable interactions with the obnoxious kind of atheists - like yes yes i agree with you on a lot but that doesn’t diminish your ability to be an absolute hypocrite, it turns out? i remember going to see the movie ‘noah’ with a friend who had recently discovered reddit atheism and it was just really exhausting to discuss it with her. one of these Obnoxious Atheists is my Own Mother. which is a little strange, honestly, because she LOVES visiting churches for the Aesthetic and Architecture. we cannot go anywhere without having to stop by a pretty church to Admire and Explore. I’VE BEEN IN SO MANY CHURCHES FOR AN ATHEIST RAISED NON-CHRISTIAN. i’ve been to the vatican TWICE (i genuinely don’t even know how much of my extended family is christian. up north in the tiny village i come from, i believe my uncle is the churchkeeper, and it’s the only building in the area that did not get burnt down by the the nazis during ww2 - mostly because soldiers needed a place to sleep. still don’t know whether or not said uncle believes or not, because hey, it’s Personal) i think my biggest personal relationship to religion, and christianity specifically, has been academic. yeah, we learned a brief synopsis of world religions at school (and i remember the class used to be called ‘christianity, religion, and ethics’ and got changed to ‘religion, beliefs, and ethics’ which is cool. it was probably a big discourse but i was a teen who didnt care), but also my bachelor degree is in art history, specifically western art history because it’s a vast sprawling topic and they had to distill it as best they could SIGHS. western art history is deeply entangled with the history of the church, and i think the most i’ve ever learnt about christianity is through these classes (one of my professors wrote an article about how jesus can be interpreted as queer which i Deeply Appreciate). i also specifically tried to diversify my academic input by picking classes such as ‘depiction of muslims and jewish people in western medieval art’ and ‘art and religion’ when i was an exchange student in canada, along with 101 classes in anthropology and archaeology. because i think human diversity and culture is very cool and i want to absorb that knowledge as best as i can. i think my exchange semester in canada was the most religiously diverse space have ever been in, to be honest. now as an adult i have more christian friends again, but friends who chose it for themselves, and who practice in ways that sound good and healthy, like a place of solace and community for them. the vast majority of my friends are queer too, yknow?? i’ve known too many people who have seen these identities as fated opposites, but they aren’t, they’re just parts of who people are. it’s like... i genuinely love people having their faiths and beliefs so much. i love people finding that space where they belong and feel safe in. i love people having communities and heritages and connections. i deeply respect and admire opening up that space for faith within any other communities, like... if i’m going to listen to a podcast about scepticism and cults, i am not going to listen to it if it’s just an excuse to bash religion. i think the search for truth needs to be compassionate, always. you can acknowledge that crystals are cool and make people happy AND that multi level marketing schemes are deeply harmful and prey on people in vulnerable situaitons. YOU KNOW???? so now’s when i bring up Apocalypse Comic again. one of the things i really did like about it was, ironically, how it handled religion. in its setting, people have returned to old gods, and their magic drew power from their religion. characters from different regions had different beliefs and sources. in the first arc, they meet the spirit of a lutheran pastor, who ends up helping them with her powers. it was treated as, in the creators own words, ‘just another mythology’. and honestly? i love that. it was one of the nicest depictions i’ve seen of christianity in fiction, and as something that could coexist with other faiths. I Vibe With That. and then, uh, then... bunny dystopia comic. it just... it just straight up tells you christianity is literally the only way to..?? be a good person??? i guess?? i’m still kind of struggling to parse what exactly it wanted to say. the evil social media overlord bird tells you the bible makes you a DANGEROUS FREETHINKER, but the comic also treats rewriting the bible or finding your own way to faith as something,, Bad. The Bible Must Remain Unsullied. Never Criticize The Bible. also, doing good things just for social media clout is bad and selfish. you should do good things so you don’t burn in hell instead. is that the message? it reads a lot like the comic creator already had the idea for the comic, but only got the urge to make it after she was converted and needed to spread the good word. you do you i guess!! i understand that she’s new to this and probably Going Through Something, and this is just a step on her journey. but the absolute self-loathing she described in her afterword... it does not sound good. i’m just some agnostic kid so what do i know, but i do not think that kind of self-flagellating is a kind faith to have for yourself. i might not ever have been properly religious, but you know what i AM familiar with? a brain wired for ocd and intrusive thoughts. for a lot of my life i’ve struggled with my own kind of purity complex. i’ve had this really strange sensitivity for things that felt ‘tainted’. i’ve experienced having to remove more and more words from my vocabulary because they were Bad and i did not want to sully my sentences. it stacked, too - if a word turned out to be an euphemism for something, i could never feel comfortable saying it again. i still struggle a bit with these things, but i have confronted these things within myself. i’ve had to make myself comfortable with imperfection and ‘tainted’ things and accept that these are just, arbitrary categories my mind made up. maybe that’s the reason i can’t do organized religion even if i found one that fit for me - just like diets can trigger disordered eating, i think it would carve some bad brainpaths for me. so yeah i’m worried i guess! i’m worried when people think it’s so good that she finally found the correct faith even if it’s causing all this self-hate. is there really not a better way? or are they just trusting she’ll find it? and yeah it’s none of my concern, it’s like, i worry for jkr too but i do not want her within miles of my trans self thANKS. so like, i DO enjoy media that explores faith and what it means for you. my favourite band is the oh hellos, which DOES draw on faith and the songwriter’s experience with it. because of my religious iliteracy most of it has flown over my head for years and i’m like “oh hey this is gay” and then only later realize it was about god all along Probably. i like what they’ve done with the place. also, stormlight archive - i had NO idea sanderson was mormon, the way he writes his characters, many of whom actively discuss religion and their relationship to it. i love that about the books, honestly. Media That Explores Religion In A Complex And Compassionate Way... we like that i’ve been thinking about my own stories too, and how i might want to explore faith in them. most of my settings are based on magic and it’s like, what role does religion have in a world where gods are real and makes u magic. in sparrow spellcaster’s story, xe creates? summons? an old god - brings them to life out of the idea of them. it’s a story about hubris, mostly. then there’s iphimery, the story where i am actively fleshing out a pantheon. there’s no doubt the gods are real in the fantasy version of iphimery, they are the source of magic and sustain themselves on slivers of humanity in exchange. but in the modern version, where they are mostly forgotten? that’s some room for me to explore, i think. especially the character of timian, who comes from a smaller town and moves to a large and diverse city. in the fantasy story, the guardian deity chooses his sister as a vessel. in the modern setting, that does not happen, and i don’t yet know what does, but i really want timian to be someone who struggles with his identity - his faith, his sexuality, the expectations cast upon him by his hometown... i’m sure it’s a cliché story retold through a million gay characters but i want to do it too okay. i want to see him carve out his own way of existing within the world because i care him and want to see him thrive!!! alrighty i THINK that’s all i wanted to write. thanks if you read all of this, and if you didn’t that’s super cool have a nice day !

[runolllo-fanboygirl]

---------------------------------

I'm going to start by clarifying that these are messages I got in response to my post here /// LINK /// After this, I'm not replying to messages about this kinda thing in a long time. Talking about sexualization and such other topics is important but I'm not in a state to be made the center of it. Please, don't come to my inbox asking for discourse, go and create your own posts if you want to raise awareness or vent.

And now to answer to these new asks:

FIRST OF ALL: while I love the way Murata draws men, robotic stuff, monsters... I actually HATE the way he draws ladies! I prefer their proportions in the OPM anime and games. Murata is literally SO BAD at drawing women compared to the level of expertise he has drawing men, and it's all ‘cos he keeps drawing ladies "the h0rny way". We all know this, let's move on.

"He's drawing all the monster girls sexualized" Did the fact that Manako's genre reveal deconstructs the trope "the default is male" totally go over your head? That Psykos's reveal as a woman running the whole MA was a big deal for this same reason as well? There are a bunch of female monsters… you just assume they're all male unless you see big b00bs and then complain about that very fact. They literally made a whole point about this specifically!

"He changed Mizuki's shorts to p4nties to please fanboys" I liked the shorts better too (just because I find her whole character design a bit more balanced that way) so that change bothered me as well, but the "p4nties" are actually standard athletic wear for competition. Shorts are not. Technically, she’s drawn more accurately now.

"Sports Bras don't work that way he just wants to draw b00bs" neither do the shirts and bodysuits the guys are wearing. You can see all their muscles and manb00bs and cr0tch lines, just as much as with Fubuki and Tatsu's hero outfits and Mizuki's top.

"But when the boys are drawn that way, it's not to please the ladies, it's male power fantasy" THERE IS NO HETEROSEXUAL MALE POWER FANTASY BULLSHIT THAT CAN POSSIBLY EXPLAIN THE WAY MURATA DRAWS GAROU, FLASH, SONIC, STINGER AND SOME OF THE OTHER GUYS. The fact is that the way he draws eye candy of them appeals to other collectives other than the cis het men and he knows exactly what he's doing. Period.

"He constantly draws sexualized art of Mizuki to please the fanboys" Why exaggerate so much? This is simply not true. She's a woman in athlete wear, most of the time she's either standing up talking or fighting, no weird angles or anything. There is like 1 sexy cover of her, the back cover with all the girls in bikinis and then that infamous watermelon sequence. That's all the sexualization you are talking about.

"Mizuki only gets so much screen time because of how much p0rn of her there is" oh yeah Mizuki got a grand total of, like, *drum roll* 1 chapter and a half dedicated to her! Wow! Which is NOTHING taking into consideration how dense Garou's arc is and the fact that they will need at least 2 seasons of the anime to finish it.

But think about this: OPM desperately needed more female presence, in special with the prospect of finishing Garou's arc in the anime. Making anime is hard and COSTLY. Most of the people who is going to watch the anime haven't read the manga and they'll be like "what the heck there are no female characters in this anime for like 3 seasons?" and there is no team that's going to risk it working with such prospects. We know why.

Of all the expansion that Garou's arc got in the manga adaptation (and later in the anime), one of the most sensible and balanced decisions was to add more ladies. They put all those monster ladies for season 2, and then for season 3 we get Manako and Mizuki having some strong presence, Shadow and Kamaitachi there a bit in the back too. It benefits the pace and balance of both the manga and the future season 3 so immensely because Fubuki, Tatsumaki and Psykos take a LOOONG while to be relevant during Garou's Arc… in special with all the filler the manga put in between (but all that filler is of the S-Class boys getting development and a reality check which is kinda important too lol).

Point is: the screentime Mizuki got was VERY necessary to balance things in between of all the relentless Garou fights and the boys being boys. Sure Mizuki is beautiful and sexy and all, but really EVERYONE was waiting for a new female character that was relevant, likeable, fun… and on top of everything, it's so rare to see a strong 2m tall girl in fiction in general, not even just anime. Everyone got instantly excited about her because she's exactly what we needed AND MORE. And sure, people draw p0rn of her like they do with most other popular characters, what did you expect.

"The ladies are always more sexualized-" YES, in the OPM manga, the ladies are a little more sexualized than the men –but not by much AND not during plot stuff. By that I mean that most of the so called "sexualizing the girls" happens in the covers, back covers and promotional art very exclusively, and not during the story itself. HOWEVER, a lot of the sexy men bits do happen during the story, curiously.

 In the anime though, there is almost zero ladies fanservice (which makes sense since there is almost no female presence in the first 2 seasons anyway). Yet it's full of naked dudes, sometimes for a good reason, but mostly just so we can look at them being sexy and silly.

 I personally don't care if the man candy and ladies fanservice is not perfectly even in Murata's manga adaptation, because there is enough of both in his work, as well as other official OPM stuff like the anime and games to bring a very nice balance in the s3xy department.

 "The way the women are dressed-" Most of the background ladies are wearing skirt uniforms and shit, but all the relevant ladies primarily dress in nothing you can call "sexualized" except for maybe Tatsumaki with her strong leg game. To recall:

 Lilly wears the same as the men of the Blizzard Group; Twin Tail just dresses like a jester; Mizuki is the first to show so much skin, but she's still wearing real standard competition wear for athletes. All the other sportwomen (Hornet and Swim) and martial artists (Shadow, Suiko, Lin Lin) wear standard clothes for their respective professions too. Sure we've seen Shadow wearing some, uh, ninja bikini thing under her ACTUAL work clothes, but for actual fights she's fully dressed and surprisingly not stuffed in a tiny nylon bodysuit that rips like stocking, like all the ninja men in the series do lmao.

Fubuki and Tatsumaki are, like, the only ones wearing dresses and they can because they use psychic powers anyway. Fubuki doesn't even show ANY skin, ever! She just happens to have big b00bs! Kamaitachi is the other one wearing a "skirt" but it's similar to what Japanese martial artists would wear, too.

So, again… all this sexualization we are talking about is not even happening anywhere except in Murata's covers and some promotional art. ONE is famous for treating ladies very fairly, even if Murata tries very hard to exploit the sexy out of every single of the ladies ONE creates. All these ladies have their own agenda and personality that have nothing to do with being pretty or f*ckable. In fact, in-universe, no one ever mentions if the heroines are beautiful or sexy and no one ever talks about liking them for those reasons (except for Lilly and Erika who are gay for Fubuki and Tatsumaki respectively, amazingly enough no hetero characters mention it). I think the first time we've ever seen a relevant character talking about dating another relevant character is when Suiryu told Saitama and Suiko to date (but Suiryu is the resident h0rny fuckboy of the series, if someone was going to say something so stupid for all the wrong reasons, it was going to be him).

For being an adult series, a seinen that parodies shonen tropes and all, OPM is seriously very tame in the sexy ladies department. For this series, the sexy is just a luxurious accessory, just one more little thing. It's always pretty weird when people get so angry and disappointed about a new sexy girl cover or a couple of compromising panels, like they don't know what to expect.

 "He only draws that way to please the h0rny fanboys" Murata IS a h0rny fanboy himself and draws shit that appeals to him as much as he feels he’s allowed to insert in the series. Please remember he's the insane fanboy that reached up to ONE to beg him to continue One Punch Man and offered to make a manga adaptation to promote OPM.

From the moment Murata started drawing OPM, the tone of the manga was set and never changed: lots of blood and guts, comical and non-comical nudity, irreverence, sexy angles, Genos ripping his shirts off, ninjas in body suits that rip like they are nylons… people in shirts, tanktops and dresses so tight you can see all their muscles, boobs and even belly buttons whether they are men or women or otherwise… h0rny chapter covers, stupidly h0rny monsters…

Just reading the manga to the point where Genos and Mosquito Girl first appear, you know what you are in for with OPM. I don't know what some fans are expecting to see in OPM next, but I'm going to take a wild guess here and say: you should expect more of the same.

 At the end of the day, the manga is Murata's work with ONE, and if he likes drawing h0rny ladies more than boys, that's how things are! This is just 2 guys with their passion project. I don't expect of them the same as if there was a bigger team with a big budget behind the series, like it happens with many games and shows. In this last case, I would be a lot stricter about all this, because with more resources you're expected to do better things.

[kalypsichor]

don’t be cruel [ john lennon x reader ]

summary: You come to class in the shortest little skirt and Professor Lennon is so distracted he can barely teach. Afterwards, he tries taking matters into his own hands... only to be interrupted by the very subject of his fantasy.

prompt: my own fucking post, bc I have no self-control warnings: oral sex, dirty talk, professor kink... this is basically porn and I’m not sorry. oh also there’s dante’s inferno discourse, if that’s upsetting to anyone

i have nothing to say. this is filth. see y’all in the second circle of hell lmao (also, can you spot the 🥪 hint?) 

i was gonna schedule this for 9 am or something but... apparently some of y’all are still awake if my notifs are any indication. so. enjoy. it’s almost 4 am for me

This is so, so wrong.

You’re not that much younger than John, with you in your early twenties and him just approaching thirty. Still, he’s your professor. You’re his student. There’s an unspoken taboo about the whole thing, a clear line that should never be towed. John’s a rational man—after all, he’s a Literature professor—and he knows these things in his head. They’re as clear as day, as obvious as Brontë’s warnings against forbidden love throughout Wuthering Heights. 

All that rationality flies out the window when you come into class this morning wearing a short skirt that makes John almost drop his chalk. 

You greet him with a nod and a smile, as per usual, but John can’t bring himself to smile back. He can’t bring himself to look you in the eyes. So when a flash of hurt streaks through them, he misses it, having already turned his back to write the day’s lesson on the chalkboard.

All of class, John is distracted. Not distracted enough for his students to take notice, of course; he’s familiar enough with the topic and his students are too busy scribbling notes to care. Still, John can’t stop thinking about running his fingers over your ass, about bending you over his desk and fucking you, your pretty little skirt bunched up in his hands. Maybe he’d wrap his tie around your wrists. Make you beg to be touched. And John would give in, if only to hear you whine when he teases your clit.

Thank god for the podium at the front of the room. John’s always been an active teacher, walking up and down the aisles as he lectures, sometimes even sitting on his students’ desks just for the hell of it. Professor McCartney calls it dramatic, but John knows that it brings so much more to his teaching. It keeps his audience engaged, which is exactly what he needs when he’s trying to get them interested in some dead 13th century Italian guy’s rhapsody on death.

Unfortunately, he’s got the worst hard-on ever right now, and even moving slightly behind the podium is causing the fabric of his slacks to shift agonizingly against his erection. John curses having tied his belt so tight this morning. 

He’s halfway through the class, basically talking to a dead room of glazed eyes and drooping pens, when you raise your hand. 

“Sorry, Professor Lennon.” John inhales sharply at the way you say his name and almost misses your next words. “But just now when you mentioned Beatrice, did you mean that she symbolizes divine love? Because isn’t that the whole reason she can take Dante to heaven, whereas Virgil is limited by human reasoning?”

“Yes, that’s right. What did I say?”

You bite your pen and John’s gaze is immediately drawn to the shape of your lips around it. He swears that he can see you almost smirk a little when you speak again.

“You called her ‘forbidden love.’”

Okay. Maybe John is more distracted than he thinks.

The rest of the hour, Johns finds himself glancing at you even more often. And though you’re sitting in the back of the room, John thinks that he catches you looking right back.

For the first time in his career, John has to agree with his students: the end of class can’t come quickly enough. The moment that last straggler pushes out of the lecture hall, the double doors closing behind them, he pushes off from the podium and rushes into his office, not even bothering to lock the door. John just needs some sweet relief and he finds it when he leans against his desk and unbuttons his slacks.

The moment John takes his cock in hand, he groans and lets his head fall back. Fucking hell, he’s been wanting to touch himself since you walked into class in that stupidly short skirt. He knows that this is improper, especially in his own office, but John couldn’t care less right now. He strokes himself with one hand, bracing against the desk with the other. And then his mind veers off and imagines that it’s you touching him. Your hands are so much smaller than John’s. The thought of them wrapped around his cock makes him swear, your name tumbling from his lips before he can stop it. Fuck, he’s getting close, and in his head he can hear you edging him on, can hear you calling his name—

“Professor?”

There’s no time to hide. John can barely even react, eyes jolting open to see your wide, shocked ones… glued to the sight of him masturbating.

“Jesus Christ, I’m so sorry, I- I didn’t hear you knocking, I...” His babbling trails off when you don’t seem to be freaking out. And when you close the door behind you, turning the lock, something else entirely shoots through his body.

“I heard you saying my name.” You walk to where John is standing, his hand still wrapped around his cock. “Were you thinking about me?”

“I, uh. Look, I didn’t-”

The sight of you dropping to your knees in front of him is the hottest thing John has ever seen. Involuntarily, his hand jerks and he lets out a shaky breath. 

“Tell me, please?” And how can he say no when you’re looking up at him like that, biting so innocently at your lip?

Something inside John lurches and he stumbles right across that line separating right from wrong.

“Fuck, I was.” John’s voice pitches a note lower, tone more confident and now it’s your turn to catch your breath in your throat. “Been thinkin’ about you all class, birdie. You knew what you were doing, paradin’ around in that little skirt. I bet you wore it for me, hm?”

You nod your head, a little shyly, and place a hand over his, not quite touching his cock. Still, the sight of your much smaller hand on John’s makes his grip tighten and he grunts. The sound goes right to your core.

“Wanna feel you in my mouth. Can I?”

John barely gets the chance to nod before you’re mouthing at his tip. His hand falls away immediately, joining the other in gripping the desk at the feeling. You pull away a little and lick all the way from up from the base, flattening your tongue against his veins, before taking his cock into your mouth.

You go down on him slowly, so slowly, and the feeling of your warm mouth enveloping his length makes John groan. His eyes want to fall shut but he forces himself to watch your pretty lips stretch around his cock. It’s worth it, especially when you flick your eyes up to look at him. The sight of you makes his hips jerk involuntarily and you gag, pulling backwards with a wet pop that sends another wave of arousal coursing through John.

“Sorry,” he murmurs, reaching out a hand to brush away the tears that have welled up in your eyes, but you shake your head. Wordlessly, you guide both of his hands into your hair and go down on him again—and when you take in as much of his cock as you can, you look up to John as if waiting for something. 

When he understands, he finally lets himself close his eyes. 

“God, you’re so good for me, aren’t you?” John pulls out of your mouth a little before sliding back in, gasping at the warmth. “Taking your professor's cock like this. Mm, fuck—you feel so good.”

John increases his pace, starting to really fuck into your mouth. His grip tightens in your hair and you whine. 

“What if Professor McCartney walked in right now, huh? I bet you’d keep sucking me off. Would you?”

The blush across your cheeks darkens and John takes note of it, something piping up in the back of his mind. But then you’re moaning around his cock and the vibrations are making his knees weak. He’s gonna come, soon, and his words devolve into grunts and curses as his hips jerk faster and faster into your mouth. Your throat has got to be tired by now but you’re not stopping or pulling away. The thought that you actually enjoy this, that it’s turning you on to be on your knees for John, is what sends him over the edge.

You let him finish in your mouth, swallowing all of it—or at least, as much as you can. Still, a little bit of John’s cum makes its way down your bottom lip. Before he can second-guess himself, he pulls you up to your feet and kisses you. It’s soft, a distinct contrast to the fervor with which John had just been fucking your mouth with, and a little bitter with the taste of his own cum on his tongue. You whine when he swipes a tongue across your lip and the sound turns into a high pitched moan when he bites down where he just licked. 

“Professor-”

��Call me John,” he says, pulling away and seeing a shy smile cross your face.

“Okay,” you say. You close the gap between your lips and kiss him again. “John.”

Just to make sure, though, John has you scream it for him when it’s his turn to get on his knees.

* * *

THERE IS NOW A PART TWO  🥪🥪🥪

[junewild]

tags masterpost

a couple of people have complimented me on my new tag system and a couple of people have asked me what tags go to what sort of content, so i thought i’d write up a little masterpost of what the tags mean, where they came from, and why they’re important to me! you’ll even get a sneak peek at a few tags that are very rare or have yet to be used 👀. this will be linked in my carrd when i get around to it. i’ve even tried to alphabetize them 😅 thanks for expressing interest, it’s very lovely of you all xoxo

#and i am close behind — home tag

a continuation of “the wild geese are heading home again” which is my nature tag. just for everything that makes me feel like i am coming home. 

#and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart — quotes and words tag

from a poem by e.e. cummings. “and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart / i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)”. words are just hearts speaking to each other, after all. 

#and i was like *screams* — space tag

from the jenny slate drunk history nasa episode, because she somehow manages to sum up fully 80% of my feelings about the universe in that one sentence

#angstposting — disordered thoughts tag

literally just stream-of-consciousness breakdown-posting. probably block this tag. i go back and clean it out after every breakdown.

#but they are all good stories — media analysis/literature critique tag

hilary mantel (whose work i have never read) wrote that “some of these things are true and some of them lies. but they are all good stories.” anyway, that’s how i feel about taking apart stories and narratives and looking at them from the outside. 

#can you not hear the ocean in me — mental health and disorders tag

the non-breakdown version. from this poem, which i can’t find anyone but i think is a deleted inkskinned or caitlyn siehl one: 

“i am alive; 

can you not hear the ocean in me; 

are you not aware of the war i am fighting ; 

i am alive ; 

you cannot take that from me”

#checkmate nihilism — crafts tag

higgsboshark wrote a lovely post about how knitting is a great treatment for existential dread & now that’s all i think about every time i’m crafting. checkmate, nihilism. look at this thing that i am making with my hands. it exists and it will change someone’s life. 

#dumbposting — misc tag

for tag games and dumb comments and things that don’t fit in anywhere else. 

#fashion is instant language — fashion/body art tag

okay. IS this a cliche prada quote? yes. but also, one of my first classes in college was about art & society & the first thing that we learned was that the human body is the first & most primal canvas. what you do with your body is a statement, a language you are sharing with the people around you. i get very emotional about it. 

#felt rather than seen — poetry tag

YES i am a BASIC WHITE GIRL, thank you. the first half of the da vinci quote. “poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen / “

#fill your arms with the pink and white flowers — spring aesthetic tag

from one of mary oliver’s slightly less well known poems. 

“do you also hurry, half-dressed and barefoot, into the garden, and softly

exclaiming of their dearness,

fill your arms with 

the pink and white flowers,

with their honeyed heaviness, their lush trembling, their eagerness

to be wild and perfect for a moment, before they are nothing

forever”

#get in good trouble — activism/politics tag

are you really living if you aren’t making trouble for someone? write more letters. leave more voicemails. go to protests. join a mutual aid group. donate. there’s something you can do, even if it’s small. 

#i am building a world that is worth living for — moral living tag

slightly different from the activism tag bc this is more about what you/i can do in everyday life to make the world a better place. these are my own words, reminding me that to stay alive i have to build my own life and live in it. 

#i care to look on the outside like i do on the inside — gender/ sexuality tag

maggie stiefvater is a poet. 

#i have a magpie mind — happy tag

laurie graham’s version of the quote goes “i have a magpie mind, by which i mean i see and hear little things - photos, fragments of conversation - and store them away for future use,” and that’s what this tag is. just a lot of lovely things that i want to look back on. 

#i think i was a selkie in a past life — ocean/beach/selkie myth tag

someday i’m going to walk into the ocean and never come out again. j promised he would take me to a warm ocean where i can stand in chest-deep waves until i can’t stand any longer and i’ve never looked forward to anything so much in my life. 

#i wrote my own deliverance — creation/writing tag

this is not an admission of guilt. hamilton has a lot of words in it and these happen to be very nice. 

#it would be a merrier world —  food tag

because tolkien was right. 

#laughter for no cause — humor tag

funny things. half of a quote by louise glück. 

#let the wilderness engulf us again — discourse tag

i believe this is by christa wolf. anyway this is how i feel when i read Discourse. let’s all just get swallowed by the wilderness. who needs civilization anyway. 

#loveposting — affection tag

look, i’m just really gay and happy and i love my followers and my mutuals. let’s move on

#nothing is ever really lost to us as long as we remember it — memory/emotion tag

yes, i have read everything ever written by l m montgomery, why do you ask? 

#offspring of heaven firstborn — light tag

constantly debating about whether i should change this one. i just have too many quotes about light. and too many posts about light. and too much love for light. this one is by milton, from the third book of paradise lost, and i memorized the entire chapter as a teenager because my “history” “class” believed in memorization as a form of education. 

#our bodies are meant to hold other bodies — sex/eros tag

from that little comic by grendelmenz (?). i KNOW it’s about cannibalism i DON’T care don’t @ me to love is to consume

#seen rather than felt — painting/visual art tag

and here’s the other half of the da vinci quote. 

#she stood in desperate music wound — music and playlists tag

from “a crazed girl” by yeats. tbh i usually lie upside down in my bed in desperate music wound but this poem kept me going as a teenager

#simply because the world is beautiful — misc tag

i just think the world is lovely and i am glad to be alive in it. this is where the rest of the assorted content goes. 

#someday you will be old enough to read fairytales again — fantasy/gaming/scifi tag

cs lewis got one thing right. 

#stardust will turn into kindness — joy tag

okay. okay i am still weeping about this man and his chickens. this tag is for every small creature who brings me delight. https://everychickdeservesamother.com/2019/08/17/all-the-good-there-is/

#thank god for the months after may — summer aesthetic tag

i haven’t listened to ben rector since i was seventeen but this is a good quote anyway and summer flowers are the thing that keep me going through the winter. 

#the first sign of civilization is a healed femur — civilization/altruism/kindness tag

paraphrase of the famous (possibly apocryphal) margaret meade quote. i saw a criticism of it by the green brothers, who were like “but lots of people/animals show altruism without any connection to civilization (eg buildings and cities and record keeping systems)” and i deeply disagree with them. civilization doesn’t require monuments, only people coming together to build (metaphorically) something bigger than they could have done as individuals. humans aren’t the only ones on that path, just the ones who’ve gotten the furthest down it. 

#the great sweeping wind — autumn aesthetic

yes i am a shameless l m montgomery stan. anne of green gables is my kindred spirit. 

#the quick and the dead — fungi tag

from the bible. you know. we all sin, we’re all alive or dead or both. fungi don’t care.

#the race that knows joseph — kindred spirit tag

haven’t gotten to use this one yet. looking forward to when i do. 

#the wild geese are heading home again — nature tag

shortened version of mary oliver’s poem. 

#there is a history in all men’s lives — history/natural history/anthropology tag

shakespeare knew how to use words. everything is history and i am excited about ALL of it. when will someone admit me into a grad school???

#we are the children of an indifferent universe — community/fandom tag

but, like colin meloy says, we are also the inheritors of a wonderful world. i think it’s amazing how we look at the universe around us and build communities and find meaning out of sheer spite. also i have got to refine this tag set better i can’t just shove ALL fandom content into one tag. stay tuned

#we don’t love this world without reason — awe/joy tag

from catadromously’s comic. this is for things that make me go “oh.” when i see them. 

#we shape our buildings; thereafter they shape us — architecture/interior design tag

churchill can have one right. architecture is one of my favorite art forms & interior design is something i love looking at and doing. someday i’ll even be able to afford it.

#we will be better than we were — recovery tag

from (yet another) caitlyn siehl poem that reads: 

“love is quiet love whispers “it is okay, we will be better than we were” and we are. we are.”

and we are. 

#within me; an invincible summer — winter aesthetic tag

albert camus wrote that: “in the midst of winter, i found there was, within me, an invincible summer. and that makes me happy. for it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.” winters are hard for me, but i hang on anyway. 

#you have no idea the joy that is coming — love tag

guess who this quote is by? if you guessed caitlyn siehl, you are correct. 

#you pull out the wild in me - feral aesthetic

not feral, just… wild. i don’t know. i don’t think i made this quote up but i can’t find it anywhere else so maybe i did. i’m guessing it’s now-deleted inkskinned or bonemeadows. 

#you’ve got to be kind — misc humans tag

kurt vonnegut. because yeah. we’ve got to be kind. that’s the only rule. we’re just humans and we have to be kind.

[for-peace-war]

do you think "race-swapping" a character in writing matters or is a good thing in representation? (for example, if harry potter who is "commonly portrayed as white" is portrayed instead by a black or arabic boy/man.)

I apologize in advance for how long it took me to get to these questions, and honestly, probably how long the answers will be to them.  So if you don’t want to see some discourse on race-relations in fantasy, then smash that J button and keep on moving.

Anyway.

Question 1:

In regard to the first question, that of “race-swapping,” I would compare it to the art concept known as “paintovers.”  Although the term is stigmatized in many circles because of how [lazy] it is, the truth is that there is an artistry and skill involved in being able to take something and remain true to its premise, while at the same time modifying its appearance.  In that field, let’s just simplify it to: there are good and bad paintovers.

I feel that the race-swap has the same standard of qualification.

The essential question I always ask myself is: why.  Why does this character need to be swapped, why did you pick this alternative, why do you feel this enhances the story in some way?  Why is not an argumentative or even exclusionary inquiry: it’s asking the creator to return to their first impulse and exam what it is.

So we have “Arabic or Black Harry Potter.”  There are a lot of questions that come up there, but I’ll divide them down into this:

Does Arabic/Black Harry Potter represent something White Harry Potter doesn’t?

Can this character be conveyed without an over simplification of some cultural aspect to “mark” them.

Who is this for?

In the case of the first question, I think that a Black/Arabic Harry Potter already has a lot of merit.  The issue is, we equate Englishness with Whiteness and to have a titular character in a series, a “nerd,” no less have the qualifications of something other than “just your average white Briton!” then I think you already have something there.

Of course, people will consider this tokenism at its outset, but I’d disagree.  While taking a Literary Criticism class, the discussion of Harry Potter actually came up.  In the conversation, one of the students said: “Well, I wouldn’t mind fi Ron or Hermoine were black, to be honest.”  Which is, on its face, a fine statement—I too am glad that you wouldn’t mind a black character existing — but the beauty of it of course, came from what was being excluded: Harry Potter, by contrast, shouldn’t be black.

This is why I would say that something as miniscule as swapping a color palette on a character is more than tokenism: by the simple act of existing as a marginalized person, the main character has already made a statement that people will take issue with.  How often do we see “politics in gaming!” when a main character isn’t a heterosexual white male?

So, if Harry Potter was a non-white character? I’d say it’d be worth examining.  But that delves into the second part. Can this be shown without it becoming a series of stereotypes?

I would say yes. Assuming that a person didn’t want to keep the stock nature of Harry Potter’s backstory consistent, which honestly I have no opinion on, there’s nothing wrong with drawing into consideration the places that people of various races/ethnicities are most prevalent.  So, if for instance, Arabic Harry Potter lives in an area that differs from White Harry Potter that isn’t bad, but it is worth expressing what this means in comparison to the former: how does this change influence the character’s core self and beliefs? Does it not? At all?

England has always had a fetishitic view of “Englishness,” and as media can [reproduce] life into the format the creator wants, it’s worth really examining what could be said by Harry Potter, the main character of an English series, not being as “English” as the aforementioned view might have indicated.  In a post-Brexit world, after all, we have seen that the notion of Englishness has become something of increasing fantasy.

So put Harry Potter the non-white in conflict with something “traditional” in its English nature, and this doesn’t even mean a racially themed motiff, it could be class or even generationally based.  Just say something with the change that isn’t already being said.

I’d like to take that point to also say, people probably should break their desire to have non-white represent non-traditional in all other ways.  It’s a bit on the nose when people’s avatar for social disorder have to be coded as being non-white.  I’ll touch more on this in the second question.

The last part ties back into the first: who is this depiction actually for?  Is the purpose of this to show people that it can be done, or children of this background that they are being thought of? Both have good and bad sides to them, with the former’s benefits being that it brings to an end “conventional wisdom” like “Black Superhero Movies Never Sell!” (See: Black Panther), whereas the downside is you risk rushing into doing something with ltitle thought beyond that change.

As to the latter issue, the downside can only be that you may have to essentialize what the acceptable rate for this character is.  For black people, I’ll say out the gate that shadeism will always be where you see how an author views their subject matter.  If the attractive woman has to be of a lighter hue, then really it comes down to telling black girls and women that their skin needs to be lighter.  So in that regard, likely consider the choices you make when you make them.

In closing, my view on race-swapping is have a reason to do it. If you don’t, then probably leave it alone.

Question B:

This is a two part question but I think they can be synthesized down into one answer.

This is going to go back to my “non-white doesn’t mean non-traditional” thing and it’s a point I’ve had before, so whatever.  We’ll take “black elves” and look at them as a specimen of fetishitic racism.

Here’s the thing.  When we think of elves, generally yes, we do think of white people.  It’s just how it’s coded.  But the whiteness isn’t even necessary: be it duskwright, kaldorei, or drow: you know what they are when you see them.  So an elf doesn’t “need” to be white or maintain whiteness.  So why is it whenever the whiteness is removed, the entire semblance of what an elf is switches as well?

In the case of the former: unnatural hues make the “non-whiteness” a non-factor.  Duskwrights, Kaldorei, and Drow by standards don’t have “human” tones and so, their non-whiteness is more an aspect of just being fantasy characters.  But when people begin working in “shades of brown,” the themes immediately change: fatter, more aggressive, scarred, etc.  

Here’s the thing.  If your statement is “body positivity is good and I want my black elf to be fat,” then okay.  That’s cool.  I guess.  My issue is that this goes more in line with the notion that black people occupy more space than we should, and as a result, will do no less externally.  I’ll just also say right now that fat fetish characters that are about “how much she (almost always a female) eats” or “how many rolls she has,” is not an argument in favor of body positivity.  It’s both specifying the deviation from the “norm” and also deriding it through eroticism obsession.

But, I’m sorry.  The entire issue here is that dark characters exist to be, well, disgustingly perverse to social norms.  I understand that people want to show “badass” characters, but the more “badass” and scarred, the more the skin begins to darken.  This is, I believe, a subconscious aspect of what we view in characters: that there is something inherently dangerous, virile, and wild when it comes to darker complexions.  

So how does this tie back into elves? Well, show me some elegant black elves.

Elegance and refinement, typically, describe an elf.  Outside of any “racial” view, so long as the character has this [traditionalist] allure of an essential beauty and grace and has long ears, then yeah.  You have an elf. Simple as. No doubt about it.  So why do black elves need to be fat, having missing ears, be angry, etc? Because what the writer subconsciously feels is that these traits are more authentic to the black experience, and that is terrible and dangerous.  

When writing a character outside of yourself (which I strongly sugegst people do), I think that you need to be aware of your design choices (research and respect).  

So we can use World of Warcraft’s denizens as an example.  WoW’s always had a “world is white” standard to it. That’s problematic, I guess, but whatever.  Racial representation wasn’t big in the 90′s and still isn’t really that important to most people.  Yet even with that being said, players began trying to explain where their characters came from that weren’t white.  “Blacks come from Stranglethorn!” “Browns come from Tanaris!” on and on, and yeah, there are problems there, but the more pressing matter is that WoW just dropped the ball on different races of people.

Here’s the thing: there’s nothing wrong with people coming from different places.  You don’t need to go all Conan on it and say they came from Iraqistan and Zembabwe, but it’s worth noting that we all come from somewhere and end up where we do. I’d rather authors put more effort into examining that than they do in making up monsters and animals to represent these same groups of people in exoticisized and disturbing portrayals.

There’s also the option that race just doesn’t matter in your world.  It’s fantasy, why not?  We became so obessed with GRRM reminding us that “fantasy” means “imagine a world where white men have all the power and it’s okay!” and forgot that it can also mean “imagine a world where this problem just doesn’t exist.”   So if you do that, then it’s fine.  Code everyone together.  But make their representation reflect that.  If, say, in WOW race just didn’t matter then the breakdown of heroes would reflect that.  It doesn’t obviously.

So if you want to theme something like Zulu, then I guess I’d say do your research on it and know it beyond surface level considerations.  If you do that, then really do whatever.

And I’ll say, I don’t find people racist for not including non-whites in their stories, to an extent. But when it’s a glaring omission based purely on the desire to “keep Albion pure,” then it’s like, alright.  You’re being a racist and that’s your call. 

That’s all.  A lot of words.  Hope whoever sent this even sees it, lmao.

[paradiselostbythedashboardlight]

Quarantine, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Wrote 430,943 Words of Prose in a Year

As we are coming up terrifyingly fast on a full year of quarantine with no end to the pandemic yet in sight for most people, I’ve been taking some time to reflect on the last year of my existence in a state that most people now refer to as quarantine. Since March of 2020, I, like most other sane people in my country, have stopped traveling, going to stores, seeing all but a limited group of other humans, and begun having recurring nightmares about being in crowds without a piece of cloth over my nose and mouth.

Suffice to say, it has been a bit stressful.

The other thing that I have done since COVID-19 began rapidly spreading across the globe last year is write over 430,943 words of fiction. 

The number seems insane to me still. That is (approximately) one Gone With The Wind, one entire Lord of the Rings series, or the first four Harry Potter books. That is still sadly not yet War and Peace (but who knows… the pandemic isn’t over yet).

So now that I am looking back, I find myself with one question: how did this happen? Why did I do this? What does this mean about my life this year?

Since apparently I answer best by writing a lot, let’s begin at the beginning. Let me tell you a story. I’ll keep it short, I swear.

Part 1: Blast From the Past

In March of 2020, I was still in the midst of an academic semester. There was a long academic document to write and a class to teach. However, as quarantine abruptly robbed me of most of my usual commitments, I was suddenly thrust into the position of having more time on my hands than I knew what to do with. Consequently, I decided to break out the Nintendo Switch I’d gotten for Christmas and revive a childhood interest in video games.

And boy did I. I played the games I owned for all they were worth. I played them during the evenings when I had no social engagements to attend. I played them during the Zoom meetings I was already struggling to pay attention to. By the end of March, I had finished one game, and it had set the wheels turning in my brain.

Here’s a fact about me: I don’t usually tend to write or read a lot of fanfiction about things that I consider really really good. Basically, fanfiction for me has always been an impulse born from incompletion or imperfection. I see no need to add to a perfect story (although I happily consume and create fanart). But for something enjoyable and yet slightly unsatisfying? That’s fanfic territory, bud.

So by April, I had developed a sort of epic fanfiction for this video game I was playing. It was one of those magnum opus kind of ideas, a grand retelling of the story with a huge sprawling plot and Themes (™). 

At first, it was merely a thought experiment that lived only in my head, a sort of entertainment to ponder in the hours before falling asleep. What changed? Well, a friend of mine decided to also write a fanfiction on the same video game and she kindly consented to let me read it.

Suddenly, I was ravenously hungry to read and to write and to share and to consume. I wrote a hundred thousand words of this fanfic in April and into early May, sending each chapter to my friend and being spurred onward by her kind comments. 

The fic became a gargantuan endeavor full of strange little challenges I set for myself. It was a canon-divergence, requiring plotting, worldbuilding, a darker and grimer tone. For some reason, I decided to write each chapter from a different character’s perspective, making the final product into a series of essentially short story character studies which together formed a plot.

By the end of May, the story was published for the world to see. It was well-received, although not particularly popular by fandom standards. And that was the end. I had gotten out my pandemic crazies, the semester was over and now I could move on. I had made my peace with the source material, plumbing all of the little details that I wanted to examine and creating a narrative that I found satisfying.

It was over.

Part 2: Summer Lovin?

Except that it wasn’t.

Confession: as I had been posting my giant fanfiction, I had also begun to explore the fan community itself, mostly curious to see some nice art and gather a bit of demographic info about what was popular within the community. As a result, I found a fanfic recommendations page. Among the recommendations was one author who kept popping up and i finally decided to give the fic a read.

Woah. It was good. Like, really good. Like, professional quality writing and themes that seemed designed to appeal to me. I devoured everything that the creator had posted in a week and then subscribed to eagerly wait for more.

As June rolled around, I realized that I had a problem on my hands. My great big gen masterpiece was finished, but this author had gotten me hooked on something else, something with a nefarious reputation online: shipping.

The term du jour for this seems to be “brain worms” so let’s just say that reading other fanworks had given me some brain worms. Inspired this time not just by the source material of the game, but now the fan community itself, my mind began to develop another idea.

I wrote the fic, about 11k, in a single afternoon of frantic writing. When I finished it, I knew it was one of my strongest pieces. It had just come together, a combination of all the thought that I’d been brewing up and a stylistic execution that just worked with the story I wanted to tell.

I posted it on a new account. Shipping seemed vaguely shameful to me still and my mom reads the other account.

To my surprise, the fic blew up. It got so much more attention than my long fic ever had. Even more significantly, a fan artist actually drew a gorgeous comic of the pivotal scene, completely out of the blue! I was essentially thunderstruck. Honestly, it was probably the first time in my life that I’d ever received so much positive reinforcement from a piece of writing.

While I’d written short stories for undergrad workshops, they’d never been particularly good and I’d never gotten particularly great feedback on them. I’d applied and been rejected by more MFAs and literary magazines than I could count. I’d pretty much resigned myself to writing for an audience of me and me alone (which I don’t mean to sound tragic about, writing for you is great and fun!)

But receiving so much support and praise and feeling like I’d made other people happy or sad or moved? There’s nothing better.

This makes my decision to write another fic for the ship sound vaguely cynical, the action of a person driven by an addiction to praise. I mean, no lie, aren’t we all a little addicted to approval?

But my next fic was another long one, an 80k passion project modern AU that I dreamed up while spending a slow summer alone with my books and only able to leave the house for long rambling walks in the woods. The premise was essentially about characters attending a five year college reunion, something that I myself had missed due to COVID in May of the same year. The fic quickly became a way for me to process thoughts on a lot of topics in my life ranging from relationships to politics to mental health to classical literature.

This fic was also received with far more attention than I was used to and, as a result, I finally joined the notorious Twitter dot com where I found people talking about my fic unprompted, eager to follow me and like my every random thought.

I can’t say that this process was not without its ups and downs. Fandom has changed, in many ways for the better, since my last engagement with it during the 2013 Supernatural days on Tumblr. While fan friendships are often idealized or demonized, they are pretty much like any other human friendship (okay, maybe a little bit more horny on main). There is potential for amazing connection as well as pettiness. But in a year where many people suddenly had no social spaces that were safe anymore, I’m glad that I found a new line of communication with the world.  

So I kept writing fics for the ship, producing a lot of work that I am genuinely proud of and making connections with other people who enjoyed it enough to leave a comment.

To conclude this section, I was in fandom again. While I had not seriously engaged with a fan community since around 2014, I was back with a vengeance. And I had discovered an important truth about what unlocked my ability to write more than I ever had before: community support.

Not simply the kudos and the views. It was the comments. The discourse. The discussion. To add and contribute my thoughts and ideas to a greater network of thoughts and ideas that fed off of one another.

Often I had seen people complain about there not being enough fanworks for particular media or characters. Now I knew the secret. The comments and the community created the works. If I commented on other people’s fics, the more likely they were to write more. I made a resolution I have tried to keep, to comment on any story that I legitimately enjoyed reading, even if I had no particularly intelligent thing to say about it.

Part 3: A Novel Idea

By late October, I had produced a considering oeuvre for my ship of choice and was enjoying slowing my pace as I planned a few future projects.

Remember, though, how I mentioned not having engaged with fandom for the past 5 years? Well, that didn’t mean I hadn’t been writing.

For the past 4 years, I have won NaNoWriMo and completed 4 novels of over 100k each in length. These projects have been massively fun and improved my confidence with executing stories at the scope that I desire.

And so in November 2020, I settled down to write another novel. November is always a sort of terrible time write a novel if you work in academia, but this year, I had more time than usual. I set out to write a comedy fantasy novel, something mostly lighthearted and full of hijinks in order to pretend away some of the quarantine blues (which by this point were well established in my psyche).

This year in particular, I was reminded that writing a novel is… harder than fanfic. That seems like a very obvious point, but I’d written novels before. Suddenly, though, I was realizing how much a novel requires you to set up the world and the characters, while fanfic can be pretty much all payoff all the time.

While the fanfic flowed in wild creative bursts of energy, the novel required diligence of another sort. I wrote 2,000 words every day for two months. It was a grind. Sometimes, it was a slog. 

And sometimes it just wasn't good. The thing about writing your own novels is that the first draft is way more likely to be not good. You’re balancing a lot and it’s easy to let a few balls that you have in the air drop for a chapter or two, with no recourse but to go back and edit later.

I finished the novel by writing a final speedrun of 6k on new years eve, ending my 2020 with another project under my belt. No one has read it. Not even I have reread it.

I’m still glad that I wrote it. I’ll write another one next year. No one will read that one either.

Sometimes, we write for ourselves and no external validation is necessary.

Part 4: Where are they now?

January of 2021 is somehow now behind me, which is terrifying. I’m still writing. Mostly fanfic, although occasionally I go doodle around with some original ideas that are more conceptual sketches for the next novel.

As for the fanfic, I think I still have a few more good ideas left in me, but  I will probably leave it behind before the year is out. That feels a little bittersweet, a sort of temporary burst of fun and friendship that I wonder if I’ll ever experience again.

Coming to the end of this reflection, I suppose I should make a summative statement about what it all means.

In the end, it might not mean a lot. There are some small takeaways. 

It turns out that encouragement makes you write more! Who knew? Also, more free time makes you write more! Wow!!!!

The point that I think this reflection exercise has shown me, the point that I think matters more than any other, is that writing is a way to process my thoughts. Even if it is through the lens of ridiculous video game fanfic or novels about sad wizards, my writing is my way to make sense of my own mind. 

And sharing that is special. If you share it with online strangers, with your family on Christmas Eve, with your close friend who has become even closer and dearer to you since she let you read her work, or just with your mom (the one personal legally required to read your damn novel if you want to share it). To share writing is to give someone a little peek at your beliefs about the world.

And right now? When we’re still isolated and bored and scared and in desperate need of distraction? Binge some TV, play Nintendo, read a book. Take in other people’s thoughts.

But put down your own somewhere as well. It’s a conversation.

And for once, it’s a conversation that doesn’t have to take place on fucking Zoom.

[for-your-therapeutic-smile]

They Never Teach You How to Stop

Rarely do I lack the words to express myself. Perhaps this reflects my failure to maintain my journal consistently throughout 2020. Here goes an honest attempt to capture and document my mental state and the fatigue of Covid, the inertia of this shelter-in-place, the anxiety of this political crisis we face as a nation, the pressure of being a 1L in law school against the backdrop of civil unrest and Justice Ginsburg’s death, coming out - my dad told me he was disappointed -, the possible erosion of my relationship with someone I love, and this feeling of absolute dread and resentment for a system that continuously fails my and future generations (robbing us of a social contract that promised life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness), among many other things I’m too tired to consider. When did we accept a $0 baseline as the American Dream? Oh, to be debt free - free from this punishment for having pursued an education. Stifling the educated to prevent them (myself included) from organizing and mobilizing the masses so we can supplant this system with a better one is the overall objective of the oppressive class (read: Pedagogy of the Oppressed); it’s the conflict between the bourgeois and the proletariat. The proletariat has swallowed the middle class, leaving only the ruling class. I am essentially on autopilot, forcing myself to go through the motions so I can survive another day. I know others join me in this mental gymnastics of unparalleled proportions, one social scientists and medical researchers will soon study and subsequently publish their findings in an attempt to explain the unexplainable. Despite a lack of air circulation, we are breathing history; the constitution, like our societal norms, must adapt accordingly. Judge Barrett: there is no place for originalism. While I seldom admit weakness or an inability to manage life’s curveballs, this series of unfortunate events seems almost too much to bear. 

And yet somehow I continue to find the energy to submit assignments due at 11:59 p.m., write this post at 1:38 a.m., “sleep”, wake at 7 a.m. so I can read and prepare (last minute!) the assigned material leading into my torts or contracts class. I find the energy to text my boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend) so I can attempt to salvage the real and genuine connection we have, cook elaborate meals to find some solace, wrestle with whether or not to hit my yoga mat (I don’t), apply to a fellowship for the school year and summer internships, prepare my dual citizenship paperwork, manage a campaign for two progressive politicians, and listen to music in an attempt to stay sane . . . ~*Queues John Mayer’s “War of My Life” and “Stop This Train”*~ . . . I realize I have to be kinder to myself, give credit where credit is due. I hate feeling self-congratulatory though.

Mostly, I am too afraid of the repercussions if I stop moving at a mile/minute, that I can just work away the pain and be the superhuman who numbs himself from the low-grade depression and nervous breakdown. My body tells me to slow down, as evidenced by the grinding of my teeth, but I take on more responsibility because people rely on me. I must show up. I am a masochist in that way. This is what I signed up for and I’ll be damned if I don’t carry through on my promise to do the work. Pieces of my soul scattered about like Horcruxes, though they’re pure, not evil, so I hope nobody resolves to destroy them. 

My mind rarely rests. It’s 3:08 a.m., one of the lonelier hours where night meets morning; it’s the hour for and of intense introspection. It makes you consider pulling an all-nighter, one you reserve for an “important” school or work deadline. We always put our personal lives on the back-burner. 3 a.m. sets the tone for a potentially awful day. But that doesn’t matter right now. I’m letting some of my favorite albums play in the background: Joni Mitchell’s Blue, Mac Miller’s Circles, Rhye’s Blood, Alicia Keys’ ALICIA, Coldplay’s Ghost Stories, Frank Ocean’s Blonde, Miley Cyrus’ Dead Petz in addition to other playlists, Tiny Desk performances, and tracks (I unearthed last week, like When It’s Over by Sugar Ray). I need to feel something. I need to feel anything. I need to feel everything. We experience such a broad spectrum of emotions throughout the day that we lose track of if we don’t pause to absorb them. Music reinforces empathy; it releases dopamine.

I spent the past two hours reading through old journals and posts, as scattered as they were, on a wide range of topics: poems I had written about falling in and out love, anecdotes about my world travels, and entries on personal, political, and professional epiphanies. The other night I found one of my favorites, a previous post from my time living in Indonesia, centering on the dualities of technology. It resonated with me more than the others. To summarize, I wrote about my tendency to equate the Internet with a sense of interconnectedness (shoutout to Tumblr for being my digital journal; to Twitter for being a place of comedy and revolution; to Instagram for curating my *aesthetic*; to Facebook where I track my family’s accomplishments and connect with travel buddies displaced around the globe all searching for a home). And yet I feel incredibly lonely and disconnected whenever I spend too much time using technology, so much so that I set screen time limitations on my phone recently to curtail this obsession with constant communication and information gathering. Trump and Biden admitted that it’s unlikely we’ll know the results of the election on November 3rd during their first presidential debate. Push notifications don’t allow us to learn of trauma within the comforts of our own homes. I’m already fearing where I will be when that news breaks. 

This global pandemic and indefinite shutdown of the world (economy) undeniably exacerbates these feelings. This is some personal and collective turmoil. But I was complicit in the endless scrolling and swiping of faces and places long before Covid-19. Instead of choosing to interact with my direct environment (today’s research links this behavior to the same levels of depression one feels when they play slot machines), I am still an active on all these platforms, participating the least in the most tangible one: my physical life. I am tired of pretending. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of embodying fake energy to exist in systems that fail me. I am tired of the quagmire. Like Anaïs Nin, I must be a mermaid [because] I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living. This particular excerpt from that 2016 entry was difficult for me to read: “The fantasy of what could have been if a certain plan had unfolded will haunt you forever if you do not come to peace with the reality of the situation. I hope you come to terms with reality.” I am not at peace with my current reality. But is anyone?

It’s a bit surreal for my peers to have suddenly started caring about international relations theory. It’s transported me back to my 2012 IR lecture at Northeastern: are you a constructivist or a feminist? Realist or liberalist? Neo? Marxist? The one no one wants you to talk about. Absent upward mobility, this is class warfare. But I cannot be “a singular expression of myself . . . there are too many parts, too many spaces, too many manifestations, too many lines, too many curves, too many troubles, too many journeys, too many mountains, too many rivers” . . . It feels like America’s wake-up call. But I know people will retreat into the comforts of capitalism if Biden wins and, well, we all enter uncharted waters together if the Electoral College re-elects #45. For those who weren’t paying attention: the world is multipolar and we are not the hegemon. Norms matter. People tend to be self-interested and shortsighted. Look to the past in order to understand the future. History, as the old adage goes, repeats itself. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Taxation without representation. Indoctrination. Welcome to the language of political discourse. Students of IR and polisci have long awaited your participation. Too little too late? Plot twist: it’s a lifelong commitment. You must continue to engage irrespective of the election outcome or else we will regress just as quickly as we progress. Now dive into international human rights treaties (International Covenant on Civil & Political Rights; International Covenant on Economic, Social, and Cultural Rights), political refugees, FGM. No one said it wasn’t dismal. But it’s important. We need buy-in.  

While I am grateful for the continuation of my education, for this extended time with family, for this opportunity to be a campaign manager for two local progressive candidates (driving to Boston to pick up revised yard signs as proof that the work never stops), it would be remiss of me, however, not to admit that I am lonely: I am buried in my books, in the depressing news both nationally and globally, and in precedent-setting Supreme Court cases (sometimes for the worst, e.g. against the preservation of our environment). In my nonexistent free time I work on political asylum cases, essentially creating an enforceability framework of international law, for people fleeing country conditions so unthinkable (the irony of that work when my country falls greater into authoritarianism and oligarchy is not lost on me). I am fulfilling my dream of becoming a human rights lawyer which stems back to middle school. I saw Things I Imagined (thank you Solange). I have held an original copy of the Declaration of Independence that we sent to the House of Lords in 1778 and the Human Rights Act of 1998 while visiting the U.K. Parliamentary Archives as an intern for a Member of Parliament. This success terrifies and exhausts me; it also oxygenizes and saves me. Every decision, every sacrifice, has led me to this point. 

“It’s the choosing that’s important, isn’t it?,” Lois Lowry of The Giver rhetorically asks. This post is not intended to be woe is me! I am fortunate to be in this position, to have this vantage point at such an early age, and I understand the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. My life has purpose. I am committed to the work that transcends boundaries; it is larger than life itself. It provides a unique perspective. But it makes it difficult to coexist with people so preoccupied in the drama they create in their lives and the general shallowness of the world we live. It feels like there is no option to pump the brakes on any of this work, especially in light of our current climate, and that pressure oftentimes feels insurmountable. Time is of the essence. It feels, whether true or not, that hardly anyone relates to my experience, so if I don’t carve out this time to write about it, then I am neither recording nor processing it. 

Tonight, in between preparing tomorrow’s coursework, I realize that I have an unprecedented number of questions about life, which startles me because typically I have the answers or at least have a goal in mind that launches me into the next phase of life or contextualizes the current one. These goals, often rooted in this capitalistic framework, in this falsity of “needing” to advance my career as a means of helping people, distract me from asking myself the existential questions, the reasons for why we live and what we fundamentally want our systems to look like; they have distracted me from real grassroots community organizing until now. They distract me from the fact that, like John Mayer, I don’t know which walls to smash; similarly, I don’t know which train to board. Right now feels like we are living through impossible and hopeless times and I don’t want to placate myself into thinking otherwise despite my relatively optimistic outlook on life. As we face catastrophic circumstances – the consequences of this election and climate change (famine, refugees, lack of resources) – I do not want to live in perpetual sadness. I am searching for clarity and direction so I can step into a better, fuller version of myself. 

It’s now 3:33 a.m. Here is the list of questions that I have often asked myself in different stages of life, but recently, until now, I have not been willing to confront for fear that I might not be able to answers them. But I owe it to myself to pose them here so I can have the overdue conversation, the one I know leads me to better understanding myself:

Are you happy? Why or why not?

What do you want the future to hold? What groundwork are you going to do to ensure it happens?

What does your ideal day/week/month/year/decade look like? Why?

With whom do you want to spend your days? Why?

Who do you love and care about? Have you told people you care about that you love them? Does love and vulnerability scare you?

What do you expect of people – of yourself, of your partner, of your family, and of your friends? Should you have those expectations? Why or why not?

What do you feel and why?

What relaxes you? What scares you? What brings you joy?

What do you want to improve? Why?

What do you want to forgive yourself for and why?

Does the desire to reinvent yourself diminish your ability to be present?

Do you have a greater fear of failure or success? Why?

How do you escape the confines of this broken system? How do you break from the guilt of participation in it and having benefited from it?

How do we reconcile our daily lives with the fact that we’re living through an extinction event? This one comes from my friend (hi Jeanne) and a podcast she listened to recently.

How do you help people? How do you help yourself? Are you pouring from an empty cup?

How will you find joy in your everyday responsibilities, in the mission you have chosen for yourself? What, if any, will be the warning signs to walk away from this work, in part or in its entirety? Without being a martyr, do you believe in dying for the cause?

So here are some of the lessons I have learned during this quarantine/past year:

“I’ve Got Dreams to Remember,” so do not take your eyes off them. Chasing paper does not bring you happiness.

Be autonomous, particularly in your professional life.

Focus on values instead of accolades.

Do everything with intention and honest energy.

Listen to Tracy Chapman’s “Crossroads” & Talkin’ Bout a Revolution for an energy boost and reminder that other revolutionaries have shared and continue to share your fervent passion . . . “I’m trying to protect what I keep inside, all the reasons why I live my life” . . . When self-doubt nearly cripples you and you yearn a few minutes to run away when in reality you can’t escape your responsibilities, go for a drive and queue up “Fast Car” . . . “I got no plans, I ain’t going nowhere, so take your fast car and keep on driving.”

With that said, take every opportunity to travel (you can take the work with you if absolutely necessary). Go to Italy. Buy the concert ticket and lose yourself in the moment. Remember that solo excursions are equally as important as collective ones. But, from personal experience, you prefer the company. Find the balance.

Detach from the numbers people keep trying to assign to measure your personhood.

Closely examine the people in your inner circle and ask them for help when you need it.

“And life is just too short to keep playing the game . . . because if you really want somebody [or something], you’ll figure it out later, or else you will just spend the rest of the night with a BlackBerry on your chest hoping it goes *vibration, vibration*” (John Mayer’s Edge of Desire) . . . so love fiercely and unapologetically.

Be specific.

Go to therapy even when life is good.