#like cas... amara too wanted to give up

[shallowseeker]

For your consideration, because I've been thinking about this...

According to Chuck, Dean doesn't mind feeding Amara "into the meat-grinder with a wink and a smile."

And certainly there are layers to how he feels about doing that... Dean has always walked the line between doing what’s right and what’s necessary, but in this moment, his morality is being pushed to the breaking point.

It’s an existential crisis because it challenges everything he stands for, every instinct to protect and not betray. In this situation, his sense of duty and survival are at odds with his humanity—making him question what he’s willing to sacrifice to win. But ALSO.

Perhaps, deep down, he’s still reeling from the fallout of his and Amara's initial connection.

In Gimme Shelter, Dean is chafing over her decision to meddle:

DEAN: You're damn right. Look at you. Just another cosmic dick rigging the game. You're just like your brother. AMARA: It was a gift, Dean, not a trial. DEAN: I'm not angry, Amara. I'm furious. To know that all my life, I've been nothing but a hamster in a wheel, stuck in a story. And you know whose fault that is? Chuck's. And it ain't just me. We're all trapped. Sam and Cas and Jack and even you. And you want to talk about the people that he's killing right now— AMARA: Stop. ...

AMARA: Can I... trust you? DEAN: I would never hurt you.

Amara and Dean's initial relationship wasn’t just symbiotic; it was predatory.

And with Chuck’s voyeurism looming over the season, it’s all a trigger for Dean. Dean longs to be free—not just from Chuck’s voyeurism, but from Amara’s fascination with him. It’s not just about the manipulation; it’s the lack of consent, the way Chuck and Amara have both used him for their own agendas, to make Dean tap-dance, or to "see what could put out his anger/fire."

///

That said, Amara empathized with Dean

She wanted to return a lost loved one to Dean. She’s not alone. In fact, both Amara and Cas did that—Amara bringing Mary back to life in season 12, and Cas trying his best to bring Sam back to life in season 6.

But how they perceive and engage with Dean could not be more different. Amara: Her actions toward Dean come from a place of curiosity that borders on predation. At first, she seeks to feel what it is to be human through him.

When she revives Mary, it's at its core a way of experimenting with his emotions, not engaging with them. It's a desire to feel what Dean feels for her own sake, not truly honoring him as a person. (It's a bit of a throughline from how Crowley initially sees Demon Dean, "See what I see, feel what I feel.")

It’s tricky because empathy tends to be, at least in part, self-focused. That’s normal. But the difference here is that Amara wants to see what Dean does in response to a cosmic trigger. It’s a grand experiment.

In season 15, she's taking tentative steps toward her own experiences, but when it comes to Dean, there's still a niggling sense of predation or compulsion: "You have a distinctive musk. We will always help each other." Cas: On the other hand... Cas’s fascination comes from a place of genuine empathy and a burgeoning recognition of Dean’s humanity. Cas tries to witness Dean’s emotions as a detached observer but can't help resonating with them.

He finds that Dean helps him stand up for his own values—values he's been forced to bury over and over again. Quickly, Cas's engagement with Dean becomes based on a shared history, a shared fight, and shared values. They don't always agree, or even always help each other. But despite their sometimes very explosive differences of opinion, they usually come to a mutual understanding of one another.

When Cas revives Sam, it comes from a deep sense of guilt and frustration with his own kind. Cas wanted to protect Sam from a fate he felt was tied to his angelic brethren's actions—their failings and their manipulation of the human world.

Cas’s shame about his brothers' actions simmered beneath the surface, eventually boiling over into the white-hot rage of an authoritarian, but unlike Amara, Cas’s initial move was to simply to protect those he loved from the celestial forces he once served.

In short, Cas sees Dean’s pain, his flaws, and his humanity, not as something to be experimented and tinkered with, but as something to cherish and understand. To protect.

Overall, despite some occasional teasing and sniping, Cas witnesses and honors Dean’s humanity, recognizing it as something valuable and worthy of respect, even when, and maybe especially when, it's ugly. //// Anyway, it just seems to me that Dean's panic response in late season 15 regarding Amara could have been inflamed by his and Amara's underlying history.

Amara assumes she and Dean are bound by fate to always help each other—an inevitability, not a choice—and so, choosing to betray her becomes an act of rebellion in itself.

[profoundbondfanfic]

Hi! I was wondering if you knew any fanfics where Cas's grace reacts to his feelings for Dean? (Eg blowing lightbulbs when they kiss etc) Thank you so much! 😊💫

Hello! Here are a few we could think of:

Angel's Wild by riseofthefallenone (Explicit, 389k words)

But that’s the whole reason he’s here, isn’t it? He’s not out here hunting Humans. He’s not even hunting deer, or bears, or anything else that featured in Bambi. He’s out here, freezing his nuts off every night, because he’s hunting Angels. Sometimes Dean wishes that Angels were like how they’re described in the Bible. How people from time too old for him to care much about thought Angels were messengers and warriors of God, protectors of Humans. He knows that how they’re really described in the Bible is actually pretty terrifying, but at least they were told by God that they’re supposed to love Humans, right? That’s a thousand times better than what Angels really turned out to be.

Come Fly With Me by EllenOfOz, followyourenergy (Explicit, 37k words)

Castiel is back from the Empty, and Dean wastes no time in diving in and planting his lips…well, all over the angel. Cas responds enthusiastically and all is well (or as well as Dean ever gets to have)…until sex with Cas turns out to have a surprising finish. Weird side effects or not, Dean will take Cas any way he can get him, and he makes the best out of every time. With each time, though, the repercussions of those side effects on Cas are more and more serious. Is Dean destined to lose Cas, one way or another? Or can he change the course of the future by confronting their past?

Don't by tricia_16 (Explicit, 97k words)

After nine days of radio silence from both Jack and Cas, Cas returns to the bunker without Jack but with black fur, four paws, a tail, and an obvious preference for Dean's company. With no idea how to turn Cas back or how he got turned into a cat in the first place, Dean has to learn to live with Cas quite literally underfoot all the damn time. Nobody could have guessed that having his best friend in cat form would end up being the catalyst for a huge shift in their relationship, but looking back, he's pretty sure it all started with an annoyingly stubborn ball of fur...

My Soul Whispers Your Name by casblackfeathers (Explicit, 15k words)

When Amara tells Dean that she will give him what he needs most, the last thing he's expecting is to sprout fucking wings and to be able to sense what his own soul — and heart — really want, making it impossible for him to ignore all the feelings he's been harboring for Cas over the years. It’s no shock that Dean’s soul is drawn to Cas like gravity and now that Dean can perceive Cas’ grace all the time, he’s constantly reminded how stupidly breathtaking it is. He had been a goner since the second he laid eyes on Cas, and this just seals the deal. Now that he’s stuck like this, he might as well pull his head out of his ass, give it a shot, and finally get what he always wanted.

Occursus by PallasPerilous (Teen and up, 4k words)

“The natural environment of the human soul is a human body,” Cas says. “Humans have yet to meet a foreign substrate that they don’t immediately attempt to colonize. My form in Hell was not an exception.” Then he shuts his mouth very deliberately and gestures back to Dean like his mic is going live in three, two. “Or the bit where my soul gave you some kind of STD?” Dean finishes. “It was a poor analogy. I apologize.” “So what’s a better one?” Castiel drums his fingers for a second. “It’s more like…the way a parasitic jewel wasp injects a cockroach with venom, and transforms it into a willing host for wasp larvae.” “Holy shit are you ever bad at this,” Dean says, with that signature brand of fond horror he special-orders just for Castiel, Angel of the Gourd.

Strawberry Moon by casblackfeathers (Explicit, 115k words) -- not exactly Cas' grace but his aura.

As a child, Castiel used to fall asleep with his mother telling him bedtime stories of the prophecy she had foreseen for him — how the Strawberry Moon would one day reveal the familiar he was destined to be with. However, it’s been twelve years since the heart-wrenching day Castiel last saw the one he hoped was meant for him, and at twenty-eight, with his magic quickly dwindling, he knows better than to keep believing in such foolish dreams. Castiel's resolve falters with the return of his long-ago teenage crush, Dean. The familiar’s evergreen eyes and rainbow aura are still as captivating, but his past is shrouded in mystery, one that could hold the answer to what drove them apart all those years ago. Maybe the peculiar tabby cat who seems to have taken a liking to Castiel is what it takes to make Castiel believe in the moon with shades of pink again.

The Greatest of These by DoctorProfessorSong (Teen and up, 9k words)

When Jack pulls Cas from the Empty, his vessel is damaged. Jack is working on it. In the meantime, Cas is stuck hanging around the bunker in his Trueform. In other words, the fic where Dean takes Trueform!Cas on little dates and the author has way too much fun with angel lore

you're holy to me by serenityfails (Explicit, 5k words)

"My wings inspired you," Cas says, smug at the thought. "Yeah, I'm feelin' pretty fuckin' inspired right now, man."

There's also this collection on ao3 cas vs lightbulbs that might interest you.

You might also want to check our grace fic tag.

[scoobydoodean]

Hello<3

I was wondering if you had any thoughts on how fandom misconstrues Dean's relationship with alcohol?

There is so much emphasis on making him out to be a violent mean drunk, but I mostly remember that he drinks and like passes out when he's grieving or stressed (iirc) (s6 PTSD, Soulless sam, when Cas dies, etc.)? It's weird to me because Dean isn't the only character to go through this. Bobby relies on drinking too. He's exactly as gruff as Dean can be. He also had an abusive father. Yet I don't usually see people judging Bobby for that (if they exist, I haven't seen them at least thank God).

I get frustrated when people say things like the MoC was a direct metaphor for alcoholism just because it made Dean sooo violent and angry, etc. And, it's like an unrealistic understanding of alcoholism irl and also of Dean himself and his actual actions and context. I just get weirdly defensive of him over it lol.

If you've already hashed this out I'm sry! At the end of the day, it's all just interpretation ig, but I wanted to know your take on it cause ik you'd look at dean with a good faith lens.

<3

One could say I have had thoughts on how fandom misconstrues Dean's relationship with alcohol. One could even say I have spawned extremely funny multi-day fandom-wide disk horses on this subject simply by giving my opinion on my own blog when an anon asked me to.

I'm tracking Dean's relationship with alcohol (and other substances bc I was too lazy to make two separate tags) through #dean and drugs during my rewatch if you care to peruse, but I think you and I are of a similar mind on this.

Prior to season 4, Dean has a very average relationship with alcohol. In season 4, Dean starts using alcohol as a coping tool to help him fall asleep because he's having nightmares about hell. By season 6, alcohol is also a coping tool for depression and stress. He drinks to deal with nightmares, he drinks to cope with hell trauma, he drinks after soulless Sam watches his sexual assault with a smile, he drinks after Cas swallows all the souls and Death blames Dean for everything, he drinks throughout season 7 to cope with Cas's death and Bobby's death. I'm up to 8.01 and have yet to see a single occasion where Dean drinking and Dean being violent co-occurred. What I do see is Dean drinking when he is sad, alone, or scared.

I'll continue tracking—I'll eventually get back into the MoC arc where Dean is drinking heavily again, and obviously Dean + drinking + anger + violence are all going to happen at the same time in MoC seasons. However, correlation does not equal causation, and while someone can choose to believe that Dean's drinking causes him to be angry, I think the literal answer in season 9/10 is that Dean's been cursed by the father of murder, and on a more metaphorical level, the Mark of Cain quite overtly represents Dean's resentment toward Sam which Carver spends his entire run laying out in great detail. This is why the whole Carver run culminates in Amara (a Dean parallel) being unleashed to take revenge on her brother, and why the MoC is a brother murderer curse to begin with. Alcohol is set dressing. It shows us—just as it did in the past—that Dean feels sad, alone, and scared (in this case, of what the MoC could lead him to do—which also isn't dissimilar from the original reason Dean started drinking—after hell to cope with the trauma of not just being tortured but torturing others—the fear that he'd been made into a monster).

Looking at the matter holistically, I don't personally see Dean as an angry drunk. I see him as a sad drunk. If anything, I think he hopes that alcohol will drown his anger and violent urges in the MoC arc, or at least slow him down, while also being the traditional tool he uses during boughts of depression (which he is very much experiencing during the MoC arc to the point of suicide). I also think outside the outlier of season 9/10, the narrative supports sad drunk Dean far better than angry drunk Dean.

[dothwrites]

dothraki_shieldmaiden's 2024 Year in Review

all that we intend | rated: E | Word Count: 66,386 | COMPLETE

When Dean Winchester met Castiel Novak in college they were both headed for amazing things: Dean was a rising star in the art world while Cas was a promising medical student. Now, thirteen years and one marriage later, none of those dreams have come true. Cas works twelve hour shifts as a nurse while Dean works as a mechanic, his art supplies wasting away in a dusty room. With his marriage to Cas on rocky ground, Dean starts to feel like he made a mistake all those years ago. A chance encounter and a hasty wish land Dean in another world -- one where his art career is skyrocketing him to fame and fortune... And one where he never married Cas. Now Dean has to make a decision -- whether to go back to Cas and his mundane life, or whether to stay... and lose Cas forever.

the light and the sword | rated: M | Word Count: 40,820 | COMPLETE

The neighboring kingdoms of Haven and Lawrence have been at war since anyone can remember. Lawrence has their soldiers, but Haven has their mages--deadly magic wielders capable of reducing entire armies to dust. Dean wakes up from one such slaughter to find that he is one of only two survivors. The only survivor is a Haven soldier named Emmanuel Allen. Attempting to regain a little honor and advantage, Dean takes Emmanuel hostage and begins the long walk back to Lawrence. On the way, he and Emmanuel bond, and Dean struggles with his blooming attraction to Emmanuel. He knows it can never be: he is from Lawrence, and Emmanuel's people are his enemies. But Dean still wonders--what would it be like, if he and Emmanuel could be together? On the way to Lawrence, betrayals will cut to the quick, truths will be revealed, and the fabric holding Dean's world together will be torn apart.

stripes (old habits die screaming) | rated: E | Word Count: 12,343 | COMPLETE

When Amara defeats Chuck and the Winchesters, she takes on Rowena as a new pet. Too bad Rowena likes to bite the hand that feeds. Too bad that Amara enjoys punishing Rowena for her infractions. Too bad Rowena kind of likes it.

to serve man | rated: E | Word Count: 64,597 | COMPLETE

Castiel Novak has spent the whole of his life languishing amongst the other workers of Sandover Bridge & Iron Company and has no reason to believe that he won't spend the rest of his life languishing there as well. That is, until he receives a strange promotion from his boss, Zachariah: to work underneath the newest Director of Marketing, Dean Smith, and report back on his doings and mindset. If Castiel does this, there will be rewards beyond his wildest dreams. Castiel accepts the offer, but before long, he finds himself falling underneath Dean Smith's spell. Suddenly, obedience is a loaded word, with Castiel wondering who deserves it, and how deep he is willing to fall in order to give it. His loyalties are tested, but when a strange, otherworldly entity begins haunting the halls of Sandover, both Castiel and Dean need to decide what life they ultimately want to lead.

work song | rated: E | Word Count: 95,568 | COMPLETE

Two years ago, Dean Winchester's life came crashing to a halt when his boyfriend, Castiel Novak, died in a tragic accident. After painstakingly putting his life back together, Dean goes on a vacation with his best friend, where he sees a face he never thought he would see again. Now reunited, Castiel tells Dean the truth about his past and the reason for his disappearance. However, all is not well--Dean cannot move past Cas' betrayal and lies, and the ghosts from Cas' past refuse to remain there. With danger looming, Dean and Cas start on a mission of revenge and justice, but they're badly outnumbered. With the hurt of the past colliding with the fragile promise of the future, Dean and Castiel need to learn how to create a new path--or else risk being lost forever.

double-talk gets through | rated: E | Word Count: 17,816 | COMPLETE

After Cassie learns about the supernatural, there’s no way she can stay in her quiet town. Determined to unravel the secrets about the supernatural, she joins with Jo Harvelle. The only problem is, Jo doesn’t seem to want her around. At all. A shapeshifter case will not only bring Cassie closer with the supernatural world than she ever wanted to be, but it will also bring her closer with Jo (finally).

last christmas | rated: E | Word Count: 27,861 | WIP

A few weeks ago, after a huge fight, Dean and Castiel decided to end their four year relationship. It's a bad time for Dean all over, not the least because he and Cas can't agree on who gets to keep their apartment. They're caught in the Cold War of the Apartment, where Cas wakes Dean up every morning with mediocre pop Christmas hits. The Cold War of the Apartment reaches a brief detente when Dean gets a call from his mother: Mary is feeling lonely thanks to her recent divorce from John, and this year, she wants all her children to come home for Christmas. Unfortunately for Dean, Castiel is included in that list. Dean reaches an agreement with Cas: if Cas comes with him and pretends that they're still in a relationship, Dean will cede the apartment to him. But if Cas lets out that they're not together, or if he leaves early, then Dean gets the apartment. It's not ideal, but it's the best agreement Dean can fathom. Now all Dean has to do is survive two weeks at Christmas, in close proximity to his ex-boyfriend (who he definitely still has feelings for), while dodging well-meaning friends and family. Super easy. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

[queen-of-deans-booty]

Alpha and Omega: Final Part

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2k

Warnings: canon angst and violence

Summary: When trapping Amara doesn't work, the only thing that might work is killing her. Chuck is dying, so to balance the scales, Amara has to die... which means you have to die. Dean gets ready to do the impossible while you work to remind Amara what family is really about. After all, you've got room for one more.

Season Eleven Masterlist

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Supernatural. All credit goes to their respective owners. I love seeing any and all comments <3

x

If Dean is going to die, he has to visit his mother's grave one last time. He and Sam stand in front of it while Rowena, Chuck, Castiel, and Crowley wait by the car not even a hundred yards away.

"Dean, you don't have to do this," Sam whispers.

"I'm the only one who can... the only one who should. It's Y/N, man. She's my best friend. If she goes down, I'm going down with her."

"What about your kids?"

"I am doing this for them, Sam. Y/N has no one on her side. The kids have you and Cas and Jody and the girls." Dean sniffles. "They'll be okay but Y/N won't." He looks at his wedding band. The one that belonged to his father. "Till death due us part, right? I took a vow to protect her. This is how I do that. At least we'll be in Heaven together. Bobby's up there, too. I bet he'd like to see her again. He might kick my ass for bringing her a bit early, but I'm sure he'll forgive me." Dean drops his voice to a whisper. "Robert's up there."

Dean pats his brother on the back and walks back to the group, leaving Sam alone with their mother for a minute more.

"Are you okay with this?" Dean asks Chuck.

"No. Even after everything she's done, Amara's still my sister. She's my family. I can't... I don't want to see her dead, but... I understand."

"Dean," Castiel whispers.

The angel pulls Dean in for a tight hug, and Dean wraps his arms around his waist. He'll allow himself to have this moment.

"Promise me something, Cas."

"Anything."

"Look after my kids and dogs, okay? Look after Molly." Dean tries hard not to cry. "Protect them. I don't want to see them in Heaven a minute before they should be okay?"

"I promise."

"You know they really love you. Joanna especially. You're her Uncle Cassie."

Castiel gets tears. "I really love them, too."

Sam comes back and Dean looks at his brother.

"Tell stories about me and Y/N to them. The good ones. But not so much that they're sad we're gone. Y/N was right. They need to have a childhood, and I need you to promise me you'll give it to them. They deserve to have a life not condemned like ours."

"You got it," Sam sniffles.

"I could go with you," Castiel offers.

"No, I have to do this alone. Thank you for everything, Cas." Dean wipes the tears and slaps his hands together. "Okay, look. I want a big funeral. I'm talking epic. Okay? Open bar, choir, Sabbath cover band, and Gary Busey reading the eulogy."

"Done," Sam nods.

"For our ashes, I think she'd like it here. I like it here. You know, as far as eternal resting places go." Dean reaches into his pocket and takes out the keys to the Impala. He hesitates before handing them to Dean. Sam shakes his head with tears in his eyes. "Come on. You know the drill. No chick-flick moments. Come on."

Sam hesitates but takes the keys. "You love chick flick moments."

Dean chuckles. "Yeah, you're right. I do. Come here."

Dean pulls his brother in for a hug, and they embrace tightly. A tear rolls down Sam's cheek, but he wipes it away before pulling back. Dean clears his throat and looks at Chuck.

"I'm ready."

Check snaps his fingers and sends Dean to the garden where Amara is. The place is empty, free of the old woman and the birds. Dean sees the dead flowers and knows she is here. The sun is getting dimmer which means Dean is running out of time. The garden isn't huge but Dean walks the entirety of it looking for Amara.

"Dean."

He turns and sees Amara standing by the fountain. Only... she's not you. She is herself, the version of her before she connected with you. If she's really out of you and you're safe... No, he still needs to do this. At least his kids will be with you, safe, once this is all over. It'll be nice to spend time with his son in Heaven.

"Where is my wife?"

"Safe. How did you find me?"

"Does it matter? I'm here to give you what you want. Me."

"That's a change."

"I can't just stand by and watch the world, my friends, and my family die." He starts walking toward her slowly. "So, if becoming a part of you takes me away from that, then I'm in."

"You and that bomb in your chest?" Dean stops walking. "Do you think I can't taste the power coming off of you? Please. The problem is you've never been able to hurt me. So, what makes this time any different?"

"I don't have a choice. Look at what you're doing to the sun!"

"That's not me. With my brother getting weaker, the scales are tipping away from light and into nothing. When God's gone, the universe—everything will cease to exist. Including me. My brother betrayed me. He locked me away for billions of years. He sent you to execute me."

"No, he didn't. He brought me here but he doesn't want this. This wasn't his idea. You're his family, Amara. He doesn't want you dead. He never wanted this... Do you?"

Amara thinks back to the old woman and then of you. "No! I just wanted to hurt him. I wanted to make him pay."

"That's called revenge. Sure, it'll get you out of bed in the morning. Sure, it feels fantastic... for about five minutes. I've been there. Me, Sam, and Y/N... Do you think we've never had problems? When I couldn't man up and admit my feelings for Y/N, she was ready to leave. I didn't let her. Sam kick-started the apocalypse and set Lucifer free by trusting a demon over his own brother. I still forgave him.

"Y/N got pregnant and got an abortion without telling me. It took me a while but I still forgave her. I... I left her for another woman yet she still married me. Sam did a lot of terrible things when he was soulless yet Y/N and I forgave him. She did terrible things while soulless but I still love her. I'm in love with her.

"When everything goes to shit... At the end of the day... All you have is family. You might be an all-powerful being, but I think you're human where it counts. You just want your brother back like I wanted mine."

"Stop it," she glares with tears.

"You don't want to be alone. Not really. I don't either. I mean, hell. Maybe that's why you wanted me. When really, deep down, you didn't want me because I'm not him. At the end of the day, there is no one like your sibling. No one will ever be able to replace him, so I'm going to ask you again. Put aside the rage, put aside the hate, and you tell me... What do you want?"

Amara sobs once and looks to the sky at the dimming sun. She wants her brother again. She snaps her fingers and transports Chuck right into the garden. He looks around in shock at Dean still alive and Amara... still alive.

"Why did you bring me here?"

"Brother, I... In the beginning, it was just you and me, and we were family. I loved you, and I thought—I knew that you loved me."

"I did." He sighs. "I do."

"Then you went and you made all these other things. I hated them. I hated you for needing something else, something that wasn't me. Then you locked me away, and all I could think about was making you suffer."

"You had your reasons."

"I did, and I thought revenge would make me happy, but I was wrong. What you've made..." She looks at the garden. "it's beautiful. It took me a long time to see that. I know that we can't go back to the way things were. I don't want to, but I wish... I wish that we could just be family again."

"I do, too. More than you know."

Chuck reaches out his hand and Amara takes it. Their hands start to glow, and light is restored. The sun is healed from their pain. Dean watches as the sun gets brighter until it's restored to what it was. He has to shield his eyes from it being too bright. Amara holds out her other hand and golden light shoots out in waves.

She heals her brother of whatever she did to him.

"Where is my wife?" Dean asks. "Why did you let her go?"

Amara and Chuck step off to the side, and you come walking out from behind the fountain.

"Hi, Dean," you smile.

Dean is about to say something when he notices your pregnant belly. Nine months to be exact. He knows you didn't cheat. When would Amara have time to go out there and sleep with men? He's just confused as to how this happened.

"She reminded me of what family is all about," Amara says.

"How did this happen?"

"She created life where there was none previously." Amara smiles at you. "The ultimate Sapphire Witch move. I underestimated you."

You close your eyes and blue magic swirls around you like a mist and a cloud. When it dies down, you're no longer pregnant, and you're holding your brand-new baby girl. Dean gasps and walks over to you to get a better look at her. She looks so small.

"Does she have a name?" Dean whispers. You look up and shake your head. He doesn't hesitate with this one. "How about Celeste?"

Tears well in your eyes. "Charlie for short."

Dean nods and he kisses his daughter's head delicately.

"I think we're just gonna go away for a while," Chuck announces.

"Yeah, family meeting. I get it."

"First..." He walks over to Dean and puts his hand to his chest. He removes all of the souls Rowena placed in there, and Dean winces in pain. "Better?"

"What about us? What about Earth?"

"Earth will be fine. It's got you... and Sam... and Y/N."

"Dean, Y/N... you both gave me what I needed most. I want to do the same for you." She looks at you. "You reminded me what it's like to have a family again, and for that, I will give you back yours."

Amara transforms into black mist while Chuck transforms into white mist. Both of them shoot off into the sky.

"I've missed you so much," Dean whispers. He leans down and kisses you, his heart already healing. "Don't leave again."

"I'll try not to," you smile. "Where are our kids?"

"I sent them and the dogs to Jody. Molly went home. They're all safe."

"Good. Do you know where we are? How the hell do we get back home?"

"I don't know, but let's do it together." You and Dean leave the garden and walk until it's nighttime. Charlie sleeps peacefully in your arms, and Dean smiles down at her. "How the hell did this happen?"

"I don't know. I remember an old radio and my voice telling me to wake up. As much as Amara was learning from me, I was learning from her. She made journals while she was away. I read every single one of them. I knew she'd let me go if I became pregnant, so I did it without even thinking. Now we have Charlie."

Dean blurts out the question before he thinks about it. "Is she mine?"

"Of course. I created her using both of our DNA. You're the only one I want to have kids with. I'm warning you now, she is the last one. I'm thirty-seven. This factory is closed for good."

"I agree," Dean smiles. You get to the edge of the woods, and Dean tries to get a signal on his phone. "Yeah, there isn't any signal. We just have to keep walking. You don't have, like, portal powers do you?"

"Unfortunately not."

"Help!" You and Dean look in the distance where the voice is coming from. "Help me!"

You two follow the sounds where there is a clearing. There is a sidewalk and a trail. You're back to civilization. Only... that's not what you're focusing on. 

The woman standing right in front of you, the one crying out for help, is none other than Mary Winchester wearing the white nightgown she was burned in thirty years ago.

"Mom?"

x

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[starseneyes]

Part IV - Destiel Meta - Dean Winchester / Castiel - Supernatural

You read Part I, Part II, Part III, and still want to read more of my insane ramblings!? Wow. I think I love you.

This was the wildest Meta I've ever written. And the longest continuous Meta for me, too! I hope someone out there gets a fraction of the enjoyment reading it that I got writing it.

WARNING: These are just my opinions. We all have our own head cannons and I don't think mine's more valid than anyone else's!

SPOILERS: Everything is fair game. I hold nothing back from the series.

Good to go? Yeah, we're good. Let's dive in.

S11E01 -

Oh, goody, the weird Darkness arc where Dean’s supposed to have sexual tension with a woman and it just doesn’t land.

Look, I’ve said before—chemistry is or isn’t. And there are others who I am sure saw Dean and Amara together and were just waiting for them to rip their clothes off and claim one another as the new creation.

I’m just not one of them.

And it’s not the Destiel clouding me. I mean, I’ve seen Dean have some mad chemistry with some of his hookups.

This one just never read as sexual to me… more an incomprehensible drawing of the one who unleashed the Darkness and the Darkness itself.

Oh. My. Gosh. It’s Zuul and Vinz from Ghostbusters. Like, no chemistry, but a strange drawing to one another. And, yes, I know how that ended, but I didn’t like that one, either, even as a kid.

There is no Dean. Only Zuul.

“Where the hell are you, Cas?” I’m, I’m okay.” “You don’t sound okay.” “Dean, I am fine. Besides, what I have, you can’t help me.” “What do you mean what you have?” “Just, please tell Sam Rowena escaped with the Book of the Damned and Codex.” “Okay, forget Rowena, where are you?”

Dean can hear how bad off Cas is—and he’s scared.

The last time he saw Cas, he beat the shit out of him. And now it sounds like things have only gotten worse.

That’s bound to activate some of Dean’s Protective Hubby status, especially now that the Mark’s gone.

“Now, you tell me, the Mark.” “Oh, really, you’re worried about me after everything that I-”

Yes, Dean. After everything. After all the things he knows you’ve done. After all the things you’ve done to him. After all the things he’s done to you.

After everything you will still be Cas and Dean.

“Dean. Is it gone?” “Yes, I’m good. I mean, I’m not great.”

Look at the relief on Castiel’s face. He needed that. He needed to hear that it worked. That Dean Winchester—his Dean Winchester—would still walk the Earth, no matter what happened to Cas next.

“Sam. Dean. Goodbye. It may be some time before we see one another again.”

And Dean’s trying to keep Cas on the line, to get more information from him, to know that he’s going to be okay. But he is far from okay.

“We can’t save Cas if we’re stuck in a hospital, okay?”

The mission shifts. Because Dean fucked Castiel up (derogatory) the last time they saw one another, and now he knows the Angel’s in deep shit. And he wants to save him.

He wants to be the one. He has to do something good for him after all the bullshit.

Because Sam didn’t give up on his big brother. And Cas didn’t give up on his maybe something. And much as Dean protested at the time, he’s here and he needs to protect the people he loves, again.

S11E02 -

“Near as I can tell, when you have to choose between Heaven and the Winchesters, you choose them, every time. So, you see, you’re not my brother.”

Oh, good, return of the Dick Angels. And, yes, I combined them up there. They’re not worth the quotation marks.

Hannah?! Fucking Hannah is going to be the savior?!

Oh, nevermind. Good, I always knew she was a bitch. I feel vindicated.

“Help me.”

Gotta love that he fixed his tie before going to them. Like, seriously, what a weird choice, Cas.

S11E03 -

“Sorry about those, Cas. Til we know what’s goin on with you, you're still a bit of a wild card, you know?”

Why the fuck didn’t we use those on you, Dean!? You were all like, “Sure, I’m slaying left and right like everyone’s worst bloody nightmare, but I’m good”.

Two seconds of “something’s off with Cas” and the chains go on. Gee wiz.

“Cas, you alright pal? … It appears I simply respond differently than humans.”

And while Cas is trying just to sit upright, the Winchesters are stage-whispering about how much worse he’s getting.

Y’all, he could hear you through the door when he was in Betrayal Mode. You really think barely lowering your voice is going to do anything when he’s two feet away at the next table!?

Seriously, Winchesters. He’s an Angel.

“You think it’s crappy?” “Eye of the beholder.”

I love how Dean’s the one to reassure Cas. Because, we all see value in different place, right?

And this is another case of Cas seeing a value that Dean can’t—Cas saw the value in his car. He sees the value in Dean.

It’s such a little thing, but I like the consistency in character, there.

Cas seizures and falls, and the boys run to him.

Interestingly enough, before the fade to black, the only voice we hear calling out to Cas is Dean’s.

Probably meant nothing when someone wrote it that way, but then little ole fans like me wander in and go, “Coincidence? I think not” (thanks The Incredibles).

I mean, yeah, this one’s probably a coincidence, but it’s more fun out here in delulu land.

When he wakes, he sees Sam there, but Dean’s the one touching him, a hand on the shoulder.

“It’s like I was inside a blender that was set to puree for a tomato salsa.” “And you’re the tomato.” “In this analogy, yes.” {Sam stares}

Damnit, Sam! They were having a moment. Yes, I know you’re concerned about Cas and whatnot, but that was cute.

They help him up and Dean places a blanket over Cas, leaving a hand on his shoulder. He only removes the hand when Cas starts talking about the voices.

“First thing’s first.”

I kinda love that Heaven’s priority is Metatron, and Dean’s is Castiel. I mean, wow. Wanna talk about how things have shifted, how things have changed.

They could go after Metatron to deal with the Darkness, but Cas comes first.

He’s down so bad for the little winged Angel and he doesn’t even know it!

“And your friend with the bent halo? He goes foaming at the mouth mad and dies.”

Well, this is new one to the “ways to describe the broken Angel” category. Poor little Castiel.

“Your wee pal Castiel wouldn’t be in this pickle if you’d done what you’d promised.”

She says this to Sam, but it’s a nice twist of the knife in Dean’s ribs.

“Cas. Let her go.”

He listens. Through the fucking spell cast by one of the most powerful witches in existence, Castiel hears Dean. Tell me that’s not fucking love!

“It’s gonna be alright, buddy, okay?”

And then Cas gets a turn to beat the shit out of Dean. Seriously, if these two would just go to couples’ counseling, a lot of this could be avoided.

Yes, I know. I know. Magic Spell. Mark of Cain. Lots of other magic, supernatural bullshit.

Cas starts to seizure and Dean—who is already on his knees—drops lower to be close to the same level as him. Dean lifts Castiel’s face, cupping the Angel’s face with his right hand, the other on his shoulder.

Dean helps him to sit up, then places a hand on either side of his face, holding his eyes before patting him on the shoulder, right hand still cupping his face.

“Dean, I… there aren’t words.” “You’re right, there aren’t words, Cas, ’cause there’s no need.”

And that’s still my over-reaching theory for these two and Heaven. Dean will never need to tell Cas that things are different since they said goodbye, that he’s had the chance to examine their relationship through the eyes of love—something that never occurred to him before.

His mother and Bobby already know. No doubt, they’ve told John, so he’s up to speed.

So when the Angel and Dean show up for family get-togethers and hanging at the bar, seeing one with an arm around the other is commonplace.

No words are needed.

But, I’m getting way ahead on this one.

“You were under a spell, it’s fine.” “Yeah, but you had Rowena. Because of me, you-” “You know, Cas, we’ve got the codex. That’s a start.”

Sam tries to comfort Castiel, who always sees himself as a burden to those he loves. Heaven treats him as broken, and he wants so badly to do well for these humans—his chosen family.

It’s almost worse to let down your chosen family, you know? The people who found in life and thought, “Yup, they’re mine!”

Because that kind of love isn’t demanded by custom and blood, but forged in fire and hope.

“Dean, I can fix that.” “No, no, no. It’s fine, Cas. Besides, I had it coming.”

Dean looks up to meet Cas’ eyes. It’s purposeful.

I don’t know if either of them told Sam how bad it was—how close Dean came to killing Castiel under the weight of the Mark of Cain.

And they haven’t discussed that at all.

Look how Castiel responds to that. The little tilt of the head. The “oh, darling” expression in his eyes as his mouth closes.

Dean doesn’t use a lot of words, but Castiel knows enough what this is—his penance. His apology. His punishment for what he did to Cas.

Dean turns away, but looks back at Cas, briefly. He’s lingering on that moment where he almost made one of the worst choices of his life. So, he’ll take this pain, damnit, because it’s nothing compared to the emotional pain he’s not ready to deal with.

And this whole sequence cuts Sam out like he isn’t even there (Hell, Padalecki probably wasn’t there at all because it’s not his coverage)—because this conversation is about Dean and Cas.

It’s only after Cas sits that we see Sam, again, looking between the two.

S11E04 -

They shot an entire episode… from the car’s perspective!? How many cameras? My production mind has so many questions!

Sure, bottle episode, blah, blah, blah. But now that we’re waiting 2+ years for streamers to release 10 episode seasons, I’d gladly take back the 22-26 seasons every few months even if it meant there were some filler episodes and bottle episodes in there.

We didn’t know how good we had it.

“Cas is getting better, so theres that. Still wants to fix your-” “I’m fine. 100%.” “Alright, well, he’s not. He still needs more time to heal. “Maybe, guess we got nothing to do but get better.”

It says a lot that even after Dean said he deserved it, Cas still wants to fix it. He always wants to fix it, especially for Dean.

“Cas, you’ve got one job to do, and that’s heal, you understand?”

Look at these two. So stubborn. So similar. Castiel knows that Dean would be doing the exact damn thing—trying to help when he should probably be resting. And Dean’s trying to take care of the damn Angel, but he’s so resistant.

“You think he’s gonna be okay?” “He just needs some time, you know? We all do.”

He keeps talking about the “we” here needing healing and restoration. I don’t know if our boy is finally realizing he can’t bounce back like he did in his 20’s, or whatnot, but it’s recurrent in this episode.

Also, I wonder how much Castiel told them about his torture at the hands of other Angels, at how they told him he is entirely unwelcome. He has been cut off by the only family he ever knew, even when he begged for mercy and help.

But the Winchesters—despite Dean nearly killing him and he beating the shit out of Dean not a week later—are there for him. His chosen family.

So, if he has to stay home and heal, he’s going to try to do something productive with the time he has.

And, I’m sorry, can I join the Bob Seger sing-a-long because that shit is fucking adorable. Oh, it’s nice when the show reminds us that these brothers do have good times together. They need that. We need that.

We need the reminders of what we’re fighting for.

And, yes, this is a show. It’s a television show that’s been off the air for five years. But it means something to us.

In the real world, there’s so much going on right now that’s tough and terrifying. But I choose to rebel by injecting as much joy as I can into my life. And I love cheering for my friends who are experiencing joy.

Because we’re all beautiful, as we are. And there are factors trying to take away our rights, to silence our voices, to restrict our movements, to overwhelm us to the point we shut down.

But if we remember what we’re fighting for, we can help carry each other through. Even if one of us loses faith for a while, others will carry the torch so the light is never-ending, still guiding us toward that indestructible construct—hope.

Television shows may seem like throw away things, but even a TV show can give us hope. For many, Supernatural is the show they put on when the world goes to shit. It’s a comfort in trying times.

Entertainment is often billed as pulpy or unworthy of attention if it doesn’t strike certain tones or themes, but I think that’s bullshit. Because entertainment, characters, stories… these are the magic.

So, yes, I love when Supernatural shows these boys actually functioning as brothers who get a minute just to be together and experience a moment where they aren’t drenched in blood or burdens.

Sometimes sometimes they just sing along with the radio. And that’s beautiful.

“Really? You don’t ever want something more?” “I’m sorry. Have you met us? We’re batting a whopping zero in domestic life, man. Goose eggs.”

Bro, you’ve been in a domestic partnership with an Angel (formerly) of the Lord for a few years, now. But because Cas isn’t running around in a frilly apron making you meatloaf, you don’t see it.

“You don’t ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever, but… something? You know with a Hunter? Somebody who understands the life?”

Y’all are just being obtuse, now. Hmmm. Who do we know that Dean has a more-than-friends but not-brotherly affectionate and loving relationship with? Who? Hmmm. I wonder…

“Come on, man. That quote? ’God helps those who help themselves?’ God didn’t say that. That’s not even in the Bible. That’s an old proverb that dates back to Aesop. … I read.”

Dean [No Middle Name] Winchester, can you just stop and accept that you’re fucking smart!? Sometimes he is so committed to putting everyone in their boxes that he thinks that both he and Sam can’t be smart—only one of them. And he’ll choose Sammy every time.

Give yourself more credit, damn it!

And how wild is it that the boys both dream of a normal life? Because Dean will never admit it and never pursue it. But, some part of him does want it.

“Cas? You okay?”

I love that his first thought it that something must be wrong with Castiel, and that’s why he’s calling. And then Castiel ends up being the one freaked out, crying Dean’s name over and over.

And then Dean just leaves him, again, to decapitate the guy.

“Alright, Cas, you there?” “Of course. What’s going on?”

Him and his “of course” to Dean. I guess that’s his “As you wish”, right?

“Thanks, Cas. Good work. Way to come off the bench.”

All those words of affirmation for his little Angel. Gosh, I love when he gives Castiel those little morsels to hold onto after all the horrors of the Angels. Dean doesn’t even realizing he’s doing it, but it matters.

“We’ll get Cas to fix you up.” “Only if he fixes you up, too.” “Okay, Mom.”

He finally gives in to letting Cas help, but only because Sam pushed him. Good.

S11E05 -

“What do you want to do about Cas?” “Oh, he’s knee-deep in binge watching The Wire. Just started Season 2.” “Oh, yeah, he’s not coming out anytime soon.”

They both know Cas is shaken up bad. So, maybe he did tell them about the bullshit with the Angels and my (least) favorite Angel, Hannah.

S11E06 -

“Oh, what, you think he’s ready? He’s had a pretty rough go of it lately.” “Which one of us hasn’t?”

I forgot Season 11 is where Dean and Sam switch when it comes to Cas, where Dean becomes the more protective one and Sam gets more exasperated.

I know I talk a lot about how Dean’s feelings for Cas get deeper when he loses him, but I think that whole “nearly killing Castiel” thing also fucked with him pretty bad.

Because, he nearly did it. He was inches from doing it. And Castiel still didn’t give up on him.

Who, besides his little brother, would have been willing to go through all that and not utter a word or demand an apology? Castiel understands, and so Dean doesn’t have to use words. Cas just knows.

But, now his Protective Hubby mode might actually be hurting more than it’s helping.

“Seems insane to leave our one and only Angel friend on the bench.” “I’ll call him.”

We’ve come a long way from “Why does it always have to be me to make the call?” to Dean willingly offering to make the call. And Dean steps away from Sam to make it, too, putting distance between himself and his brother.

And that is fascinating to me, because he doesn’t want Sam to overhear. He wants to just focus on talking to Cas and try to get him off the bench.

“Cas. How you doing, buddy?”

Castiel is caught up in daytime television—the kind of stuff I only really watched with babysitters and my abuella when she took me sometimes in the Summer. There’s a reason I would excuse myself to read on the back porch, instead.

“Well, you sound weird, okay? Bad weird. … So, do me a favor. Turn off the TV. Go outside and get some air. We’re int he dark here, pal. I need you back in the game, okay?”

He tried. He tried to get through. And he was honest.

But just approaching the door is bringing on a wave of trauma… of beating the shit out of Dean again. Of Dean, again saying, “This isn’t you”. He sees the other Angels, all the pain he’s wrought.

And we never get to see the Leviathan arc properly because so much of that season he’s gone and under Naomi’s control. But, I imagine if there was footage, that’d be in here, too.

Yes, Castiel has done some horrible things before. And sometimes things roll off you and sometimes they don’t, and you can’t explain why. That’s this whole bloody affair.

And at the end of the whole flashback sequence—book ending with him beating the shit out of Dean—is Cain-marked Dean kicking his ass while he never fought back, merely tried to block the blows.

Cas ends up back watching television—giving him an unexpected break in the case. See, Mom? Binge-watching can be helpful!

“You are broken, Castiel. You were always a bit of a nancy, but this?”

I’m sorry. Did he just call Castiel gay!? I mean, I’m not a fan of derogatory words, but this is implying Cas has always been noticeably different.

“Look, Guys, I’m as glad as anyone that Stella got her groove back, but you let Metatron go?” “Dean, how many times are you gonna repeat that question?”

Enough for the audience to catch up, I suspect, and no more.

“He’s not a threat to us.”

Us. Castiel sees himself as part of the team, part of the family. Finally.

“She overpowered me. End of story.”

Except Castiel can detect lies. He knows there’s something Dean’s not telling him, and Sam can see from Cas’ reaction that something’s up.

S11E07 -

“This is everything Cas dug up in Gaza, every last bit of pre-Biblical lore.”

We remember you, buddy! Even if you aren’t with us.

S11E10 -

Dean’s a mess with the poisoning, so Castiel finds him blowing chunks on the side of the road.

“Dean. I came as soon as you called. Are you alright?” “Cas?” {spews} “You’re not alright.” “Obviously.”

Castiel appears to be going through something he saw on a medical drama. Because, we know he can detect things just from observation.

Okay, I’m sorry, Amara carved a message on Castiel’s chest so he just had to flash it at Dean? Okay, yeah, you talked big game about how insignificant Cas is, but your little puppet, Dean, has a mighty connection to this little Angel.

And now he can’t stop staring at the Angel’s nipples. So, yeah, not sure you knew what you were doing there, babe.

And what was that choice of Dean looking over at Cas very confused and unsure how to feel during Lucifer’s little dance party? It caught my eye, made me laugh, and made me wonder many things.

I mean, this episode is all over the place, but I’m not mad. Just confounded.

And… we begin the Casifer Arc.

S11E11 -

“Hello, Dean.” “Right, yeah.” … “I’m sorry.”

Starting small with classic Cas phrases. There you go, Casifer. Gotta ease into it a bit. And, damnit, this is that thing that is hard for me to do—watching something uncomfortable.

Like, to Dean it isn’t. He has no idea his buddy’s a vessel for hellfire and damnation. But, for me, I’m screaming at him going, “No! No! Don’t open up to fucking Lucifer!”

I’m as bad as my Uncle yelling at the Washington Commanders not to fumble the ball during a playoff. Yes, he’s a Commanders fan. No, there’s nothing I can do about it.

“I’ve had two shots at Amara. I struck out both times. … I don’t even know where to start.”

Yes, I’m cutting out the Casifer stuff because it’s not Cas.

But Dean thinks it’s Cas, so he unloads and shares everything. And it’s uncomfortable to me because Castiel is in there, somewhere, missing his human confiding in him.

Because Dean trusts Castiel in ways he doesn’t trust anyone else. He loves Cas in ways he doesn’t love anyone else. And if Lucifer was aware of their whole thing, oh, wow, is he hearing alarm bells about it, now.

He’s got Castiel’s vessel and memories and emotions and feelings swimming around in there. And he’s got Dean three inches from his face pouring his heart out in the dark.

And I’m not the first to make the following point, but it goes along with what I’ve always thought—Castiel accepts Dean as he comes. He would never judge him for whatever’s going on between him and Amara.

I mean, Dean beats the shit out of him, and Castiel does not judge. Dean murders a bunch of people, and while calling him on his shit, Castiel does not judge.

Dean. It’s not your Angel! Run!!

And when he puts the hand on the shoulder like that? It’s wrong. Something’s off. It’s not right. And some part of Dean knows it.

Okay. phew Made it through one Dean-doesn’t-know-it’s-Lucifer scene. But it wasn’t easy.

I don’t know why I’m this way. Truly! I don’t like to be uncomfortable. I can handle some gore and dark themes and murders and serial killers and so much more. But give me an uncomfortable scene and I’m still 12 years old looking between my fingers.

“Cas gone?” “Yeah, I guess so.” “What was he doing here, anyway?” “He was looking for lore on the darkness. Something a little off about him, too.”

Yes, Dean. Yes. You know your husband well enough by now to know when something’s wrong. He’s not your Angel!

If Sam hadn’t dismissed it so quickly, you might have followed it and figured it out earlier.

S11E12 -

“What about you, you hear from Cas?”

Nobody’s heard from Cas since the cage, my friends. You just don’t know it, yet.

S11E13 -

Dean, Dean, Dean. If you’re with someone with any skills, you don’t end up with hickey at age 40, just sayin’.

And I looked it up, and Dean was 37 in this season, roughly, but just sayin’. I stopped leaving marks like that in my teens, and the last time I saw a peer with one, he was 22 or so.

Dean, my man, find better lovers. cough Castiel cough

Also, glad he finally opened up to Sam about his Amara pull. At least he knows it’s not love. He might not know much about love, but that ain’t it.

S11E14 -

Oh, goodie, Rachel gets to be uncomfortable, again. Dean-o, can you just, I dunno, skip the “Maybe Cas isn’t as off as I think” phase, this time?

We did it when he was working with Crowley in Season 6. We did it when he came back in Season 7 and didn’t have all his faculties. We did it in Season 8 when he was being controlled by Naomi.

At some point you gotta trust your instincts and go, “that’s not my Angel!” C’mon!

But, more credit to Collins and those damn micro expressions. Even when Lucifer is trying to be comforting, or speak as he believes Cas would, there’s an edge to it.

Our Cas, when speaking lovingly, has a gentle quality, like he’s trying not to disturb someone who has a gun pointed at him with an itchy trigger finger. Casifer’s eyes are hardened, lacking in any softness.

Damn, man.

I mean, until Supernatural, the only thing I’d seen Collins in was an episode of Timeless where I was so impressed I immediately looked up his IMDB to see what else he might’ve been in.

When I saw Supernatural, I exclaimed, “Oh, it’s the Angel!” because though I didn’t really get into the show during its first run, I’m terminally online.

I mean, y’all—all two of you—are reading this on Tumblr, a site I’ve been on about 15 years. If we’re here, we’re all terminally online.

Something else that is fascinating about the cinematography here is the choice of who to feature in two-shots. We’re getting a lot less of Dean and Casifer, and that honestly helps make things feel… off.

Like, as a viewer I was watching and trying to figure out what felt wrong about the scene. And if it was purposeful, wow, it was beautifully done. I know that something’s wrong, here.

Oooh, and we’re at the iconic GIFs. The GIFs I saw before the episode of Collins switching on a dime from Casifer to Cas, and even without sound I knew to tell the two apart.

“I’ll just say, ’Dean’.” {pauses, holds up finger, lowers voice and turns on puppy dog eyes} “Dean.”

And the subtitles say “imitating Castiel’s gruff voice” and I have to say, I’ve never thought of it as “gruff”. Gravely, maybe, but not gruff. He’s too pookybear!

As Lucifer goes to kill Sam, Castiel steps in.

“Hello, Castiel.”

Damn, that Angel’s got some fight. Fight, baby, fight!!

“Sam, it’s me.” “Cas. Why?” “I wanted to be of service to the fight, and only Lucifer can beat her.” “You chose this? You have to fight, Cas. Eject him, now!” “I can’t. It’s taking all my strength to keep him from killing you. And besides, we need him.” “No, Cas, we don’t.”

I explained this show to my Eldest (twin) 10-year-old as, “A show where three man-shaped beings take turns being the one to do the stupid thing, not tell the others, and they spend the season trying to fix it before trading places.”

Funny enough, kid understood right away.

“We need him to save Dean.” “You can’t time travel.”

Duh! I have been screaming this at the screen since the beginning of the episode. Castiel lost a lot of stuff in the Fall. He still has his Grace, but not his wings. Not other things.

“Dean. That’s not Cas.”

Nope. But damn Collins is doing a masterful representation of Mark Pellegrino, here. I mean, the mannerisms, the expressions, the physicality—I don’t see a trace of Castiel in it.

And I don’t see someone doing an impersonation or something frivolous. No, this is an incredible ode to the other performer that you rarely see executed at such a precise level.

I’ve heard the same interviews we’ve all heard, where Collins asked Pellegrino for pointers and was told Lucifer always looked at people deciding whether to fuck them or kill them. It works.

Casifer’s a menace, but the Winchesters learned a thing or two from Castiel, including how to blast away an Angel. Fuck off, Casifer!

Oh, but look at Dean’s face. He’s gutted. Absolutely gutted. He lost Cas, again, and the mission was a bust. There’s no win, here. Just devastation.

“Cas.” “Yeah. Yeah, what do we do?” “What else? We hunt Lucifer, trap the bastard, and save Cas.” “Like I said, Lucifer may be in control, now, but Cas may not come back willingly. I mean, he chose it.” “No. No. Not possible.”

This whole scene kills me. Because Dean doesn’t think Cas would put himself in this position, that he would do something this monumentally unsound just to try to save them.

But he would, Dean. Again and again and again.

Dean looks off, away, thoughts reeling. He can’t wrap his mind around what happened, around the fact that everything he said to Cas since they got out of the cage was actually to Lucifer. And he’s so pissed at himself for not figuring it out.

Cas is his person. He is.

And Dean just lost him again. He can’t believe Cas would choose something like that again. Surely by now he knows how much he means to them? To Dean? Right!?

Like, Castiel can’t possibly see himself as disposable? As weak? As not enough?

But, he does. Castiel’s feelings of doubt and fear make him an easy target. He has no home, not really.

He wants to belong with the Winchesters, but too often feels more burden than help, especially after everything that happened with Rowena’s spell.

Dean has to wonder if he pushed Cas too fast to get back in the game, if there’s anything he could have done differently that would have kept him from making such a mad decision.

Castiel doesn’t know his worth. So much like Dean, in that. Neither knows how much they mean to the other. And now Dean is steadfastly avoiding a reality in his mind where he doesn’t get his Angel back.

S11E15 -

“He made a bad decision. We’ve been there.” “Yeah. You, me, now Cas.”

Honey, your boyfriend has made a lot more bad decisions than this one. But, yes, it is his turn this season to the be one without a braincell.

“Dean, we’ll get him back. We will. We just got to-” “Keep grinding. No matter how much it hurts, no matter how hard it gets, we gotta keep grinding.” “Right.” “And thats how we’re gonna win. And we’re gonna win. We’re gonna save Cas, we’re gonna ice the devil, and we’re gonna shank the Darkness. And anyone that gets in our way, well God help them.”

Priorities on display. But, also, I love the supportive brother-in-law.

Because Sam knows that Cas and Dean have something entirely different from what he and Cas have. He does love Cas as family. He trusts Cas.

But he can see that Dean and Cas are more. Even if Dean can’t see it, Sam does. He knows that Dean needs more reassurance about Cas than he does because that “profound bond” has always been there and always will be.

S11E17 -

“After everything we survived together, I watched the man I loved die. There’s no normal after that.”

Okay, is this a Sam/Dean thing or a Destiel thing? I don’t know, but Ackles’ performance here is crazy because he just disappears from the moment with her and he’s somewhere else entirely.

Yes, losing his brother is losing his world. But, she’s talking about a romantic relationship. So, that doesn’t quite play.

One of those things I wish I could ask someone about, because taking a stab at interpreting it feels too nebulous, even for me!

S11E18 -

“I will give you the horn if you help me exorcize Lucifer from Castiel’s vessel and then return him immediately to the cage.”

Fascinating fact—the subtitles use the English UK version of “exorcise” which made me pause, for a second, thinking I’d done something wrong. We’re good.

“After we exorcize Lucifer out of Cas and put him in a new vessel.” “What? Really?” “Yes, really.”

I love how Crowley just walks away from this situation. But, still interesting that Sam’s the one not seeing the idealistic view of this situation.

“We’re not gonna send Lucifer into battle inside Case. What if he doesn’t make it?” … “I’m guessing it can hold Lucifer." “It? It’s not an it, Sam, it’s Cas.” And Cas wanted to do this.” “Yeah, well there’s times I want to get slapped during sex by a girl wearing a Zoro mask. That don’t make it a good idea.” “Dean, this is exactly how we screw ourselves. We make the heart choice instead of the smart choice.”

Um… Sammy, are you trying not to say “love”? Because, it kinda feels like you’re trying really hard not to connect your brother and that word.

But that’s what this is—an act of Love. Castiel is trying to save those he loves doing what he thinks must be done. And Dean is trying to save Castiel before he loses him forever.

Yes, it’s the “heart choice” because Cas is Dean’s person.

Look, I don’t need to see them fuck or cuddle or even hold hands to know they’re an item. I remember the Aziracrow fandom going through it a few years back when Crowley (pronounced croh-lee) and Aziraphale finally locked lips.

Folks flocked to the inter webs protesting the show “making them gay”. Oh, honeys. The book was published in 1990 where not only were they referred to as “consenting”, a then-well-known slang for gay in the UK, but Aziraphale’s intro said people thought he was ���gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide”.

And yet, the kiss was what made them “gay”.

The thing about queer love that I personally love is that its up to the people in it to decide what their relationship looks like. All you have to know is that it’s outside heteronormative rules, and there you go.

Some people like labels. Some don’t.

And whatever they are, Dean and Cas are each other’s person in this world, even if they’re not quite aware of it—Castiel because of his fear. Dean because of his baffling cluelessness.

“Oh, okay. Thank you, Dr Phil. Cas is family.” “Yes, and his choice deserves to be respected.” “Even if it kills him?”

And that’s the crux of it—Dean doesn’t want to lose Cas. Look, he’ll fight tooth and nail for his brother, and that’s understood. They’ve been codependent since childhood—especially Dean.

But Cas is something entirely different for Dean. He doesn’t have the words, yet, and maybe he never will. But it’s apparent to everyone involved that Dean’s more emotionally invested in Cas’ fate than the rest of them.

Crowley’s the one to go in to talk to Castiel.

“Wait, that was Dean I saw a minute ago, wasn’t it?” “Yes.” “And he wants me to expel Lucifer?” “Well, he may have a more objective view of the situation. Maybe I should.”

Cas is completely brainwashed and looks like one of those After School Specials that warned us about the perils of sitting too close to the television. I mean, there’s even bunny ears!

“Maybe Cas isn’t willing to play ball. I mean, you said it yourself—he wanted this. … Come on, Cas, what the hell?”

There’s no fight in there.

“Lucifer’s hold on him is too strong.”

Well, at least Crowley got to tell them that.

“Cas?”

It’s amazing how a single syllable—one word—can be so significant, yet so seemingly insignificant. Look how Amara reacts to Dean’s outburst—to the pleading in his eyes.

Because when Dean’s around her, he’s not always in control. But his love for Cas breaks through. It breaks through her usual allure, and she clocks that. Fast.

“Listen, um, I know I came down on the side of wanting Cas to deal with Amara, so…” “Well, thats what he wanted though, right? Besides, didn’t we say that we were gonna swear off getting in the way when one person makes a choice the other doesn’t agree with?” “Yeah. Um, yeah, we did say that.” “So…” “Okay, so that’s our policy.”

Dean’s masking. Because this still hurts like hell.

“Well, let’s go find that idiot and bring him home.”

Ah, there he is. There’s that optimism. I mean, yes, calling him names, but also determined to bring him home.

S11E19 -

“Dean, we'll find Cas, okay? He’s stronger than he looks.” “You know, we gambled with Cas and now Amara has him.” “For a reason. Which means he’s still alive.” … “The small fries, even an Angel like Cas, doesn’t even register. And if it meant hurting Lucifer, killing Cas would mean nothing to her.”

But it means everything to you, Dean. Because if you have Cas and Sam, you’re stable. You can keep going. But take either one of them away, and you’re a fucking wreck.

You may not fully realize why, yet, but you know you can’t lose Cas. Not again. Not now.

“So, we get back out there. We keep working. We keep moving. We’ll catch a break on Cas. We have to. It’s… it’s Karma.” “You know, Karma’s been kicking us in the teeth lately.”

Insane that Sam is the one trying to get Dean to stop reading books and get back to work. That’s how deep Dean’s love for Cas is.

A season earlier, it was everything Dean could do to keep moving. He was hurting bad with the Mark, but working was how he tried to cope.

With Cas in the wind, it’s not the same. It’s not an ache he can work through.

It’s a piercing, constant, targeted pain he can’t place and can’t ignore. Nothing soothes it, but trying to do something to help Cas makes it feel worth it. Worth the pain.

S11E20 -

“Whatever Amara’s doing to Lucifer.” “Yeah, beating on Cas in the meantime.”

Dean’s ready to take on Amara, but since he lost Cas, there’s always that “and”. He’s going to take down Amara and he’s going to save his Angel.

S11E21 -

In a move that is nothing short of insane someone wrote a storyline where Amara uses Castiel to connect with Dean. Like, I know I talk a lot about their cord of connection, but Amara is literally putting it in use!

I feel so justified in writing that all this time, now.

“Say nothing of the Vessel, your friend, Castiel.”

And the bitch shows him Castiel’s vessel, battered and broken. She’s using this to get her way. Nothing else has worked, right? So, try the Cas angle, I guess.

“We gotta find Lucifer before it’s too late.” “Too late?” … “She just showed up. But she’s showing me visions of Lucifer. And by Lucifer, I mean Cas, and he looks like crap. Like she’s really doing a number on him.”

Because that is what really concerns him. It’s not about Lucifer. It’s about stopping Amara and getting his friend back.

Why are these women so cringe, by the way? Amara’s come-ons to Dean are so gross, and I’m so glad he’s fighting back against her bullshit manipulation.

This isn’t love, Dean. If you don’t get to choose it, then it’s just not love. She’s a manipulative bitch with a tie to you because you unlocked a lock and now she thinks she has ownership of you. Fuck that.

“You’re right. I am drawn to you. And it bothers the hell out of me, cause I can’t control it.” “Then why fight it.”

Because that’s what “free will” is about, bitch. This entire show is about Dean Winchester and his little brother fighting against their destinies or whatever.

“Something stops you. Keeps you from having it all.”

Dean looks away. He’s fighting. And when she finds out Dean spoke with God—who sought him out—she reads it as betrayal. No, Darkness, that is not love. You can’t fathom love. You don’t understand free will.

Dean will never love you, much as you attempt to ensnare him.

S11E22 -

“Perhaps you’ll lend an ear to my very own Jiminy Cricket?”

And, of course, they can see the shift in Angels. And we see the shift in characters. Collins takes us from one to the other so damn beautifully.

Yes, I know this has zero to do with Destiel. But it’s beautiful and Ackles will get his due with the Michael arc, just wait!

“You know, every second that Ive spent subordinating myself to Lucifer, it’s been a torment. It’s destroying me. It’s burning through my vessel. But I would do it all over again because through me, he and God, they will defeat the Darkness. That’s my role in this fight. It’s God’s fight. You can play a part in that fight, too, if you join me.”

Cas was always good for a rousing speech. And, the reminder of the sacrifice—Jimmy Novak is a strong vessel, but every vessel is a temporary one when it comes to Lucifer.

“Oh, don’t worry. Your pet’s safety is my highest concern. Trust me, he’s onboard.”

Crowley’s face during this exchange is marvelous. He’s absolutely trying not to laugh aloud because everyone in this room is well aware of how Dean feels about Cas.

Now, some of them are saying it aloud, while others cough Sam cough are pretending not to notice. I mean, Sam seems like the kind of guy who wouldn’t out someone—even to themselves!

“First Cas is making Kamizaze side plans and now you?”

It’s never easy on Dean relying on the others, letting them do things their way. Doesn’t mean it’s gonna work out any better, but he is trying to let Sam take the lead, here.

S11E23 -

Dean puts a hand on Casifer’s shoulder to wake him. He starts to let it slide off, but when the being opens its eyes and looks upon Dean, it’s not Lucifer staring back out.

“Dean.” “Cas?”

Dean places the hand back on Cas’ shoulder, holding on this time.

“Hey, Is that you?!” “Lucifer is gone.”

Watch Dean here. Just… watch him. Take a moment away from worrying about waves hands the state of the bloody world and just watch the acting choice Ackles makes, here.

There’s such relief in knowing that Castiel is back that Lucifer is gone. In the midst of the horrors, there’s something to hold onto, again—Cas.

Because, when you’re in the thick of a shitty situation, where you can’t fix all the things in the world, you need little things—a favorite drink, a comfort television show, to hear the voice of someone you love.

Ackles puts such relief into that minute choice. His body shifts. His lips quirk into an almost-smile. You can feel a weight lifting off of him.

“Amara ripped him from my body.” “To where?”

There is no reason for that hand to still be on Cas’ shoulder Dean… we see you, Dean. And we love you for it.

“So that was a gun in your pocket.”

I’m sorry, but this is one time where Collins pulls focus. And it’s hilarious. I mean, he is out-of-focus and I’m still eating up his reaction to this because he isn’t looking at Rowena, he’s looking at Dean’s exasperated expression and wondering why he’s giving it.

Guess there’s still some slang and pop culture that’s out of Cas’ new understanding.

“Well, that was a complete and utter dog’s breakfast, wasn’t it?” “I didn’t know dogs had breakfast.” “Cas is back.”

Yeah, Dean. We noticed.

“Sometimes, me and Sam, we got so much going on that we forget about everyone else.”

Translation = I was taking you for granted… and I see that, now. And I don’t want you to feel that. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to treat you better and appreciate you while you are here.

“You’re the best friend we’ve ever had. You’re our brother, Cas. I want you to know that.” “Thank you.”

Bro-zoned by the love of your life. Ouch, Cas, ouch. We all felt that one. Like the collective groan throughout the world was probably so loud it caused a tremble in the Earth’s crust.

Dean nearly lost Cas, and now he’s contemplative, and he’s saying things he needs to say. He needs Cas to know they are family. He doesn’t have a better word than that.

He still can’t wrap his mind around what they are. The closest thing Dean can reach for is family. But he totally bro-zones poor Cas. And if Cas isn’t completely sure he’s in love with Dean by now, he’s at least aware of it. It’s somewhere in there.

I mean, look at Cas’ face after Dean bro-zones him. He loves this poor bastard, and all he got for it is an invitation to the Family Reunion instead of an invitation to the Honeymoon Suite.

And Dean does love Cas in ways he’s never loved anyone else. Even if he won’t say it. Even if he doesn’t fully comprehend it. It’s there.

The thing about Dean is that he appreciates Cas more every time he loses him—whether to death or possession, it doesn’t matter. Whenever he thinks Cas might be gone for good, he recognizes how his feelings have shifted from the last time he lost him. They get stronger every time as his attachment to Cas grows.

He’s always late to the party, playing catch up to Cas' white-hot glow of love that deepens over the years. But it’s there, people. It’s there.

As Dean readies for his imminent demise, Cas goes in for a hug as flowers fall off the tree around them, blown by the wind. That is likely completely accidental, but it lends a beautiful ambiance to the moment.

Dean hugs Cas back, and while he says, “Okay, alright” his face says something else. He starts to get emotional. I mean, he just got Cas back again and now he’s the one to say goodbye.

“I could go with you.” “No, no no. No, I gotta do this alone.”

To the death. Cas was willing to go with Dean to the death so he wouldn’t have to do it, alone.

“Listen, if, when, when this works, Sam, he’s gonna be a mess. So look out for him, okay. Make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.” “Of course.” {Dean places a hand on his shoulder, again,} "Thank you for everything.”

Yup. “Of course” is Castiel’s “As You Wish”, his “I love you” when he can’t yet say it.

And Dean is entrusting Cas with the person most important to him—his little brother. He has spent his entire life watching out for that kid, and if he’s going to trust anyone to look after Sam, it’s going to be Cas.

“No chick flick moments, come on.” “Yeah, you love chick flicks.” “Yeah, you’re right. I do. Come here.”

Another one of those moments where I cringe at Dean’s upbringing and his heteronormative programming. Let Dean watch When Harry Met Sally, you cowards. With his best Angel. It’d be fucking adorable.

“He did it.” “He bloody did it.” “And Dean?”

Of course, it’s Cas. Of course he’s the one to say it. Sam can’t bring himself to say it. If the sun’s back, Dean’s gone, right? Right.

Or so they think. Dun, dun, DUN!!!

S12E01 -

“He’s a friend. Hey, Cas.” “Dean!”

They embrace, and it should be noted Dean was ready for that hug as much as Cas. I mean, he moves into that hug, even if Cas is the more ferocious in wrapping his arms around his person.

And it takes 0.5 seconds for Mom to clock that this is so much more than a “friend”. Look at that head tilt!

It’s okay, Mommy Winchester. Your boy found a good life partner.

Dean might lightly protest, but he lingers in that hug. He gives Cas a second to process and them both a chance to celebrate surviving the end… again.

“Dean. You're alive!?”

They pull apart, but don’t give each other much space. We are long past Dean worrying about personal space with Cas.

“This is Castiel.”

Castiel’s side eye makes me laugh every time. My 7-year-old daughter made me replay it over and over, because she thought it was funny, too. Because Castiel isn’t used to Dean Winchester introducing him by his full name.

I mean, this fully gives off “Introducing the boyfriend/girlfriend/theyfriend to Mom.” And, bonus, this is Dean’s mom.

“That’s an Angel?”

Cas as the muscle of the operation is a nice reminder of how capable he is when he has all his Grace.

He’s a badass, Angel warrior. And much as he thought he was super weak and super dispensable in Season 11, after all of that, he’s got new strength.

At the little roadside stand looking fun, Mary is a bit overwhelmed. And Cas is trying to be comforting. He sees the struggle in Mary, her overwhelm.

Oh, and those two coffees Castiel was carrying? He gave one to Mary, but the other was for Dean. Another act of service from our little Angel.

Season 12 is one of my favorites in terms of forward progression of the Destiel relationship. Castiel does go off the rails a bit at the end, but that’s kinda expected by now. One of them is gonna do it every season.

S12E02 -

“I understand. I’ll call you in the morning.” “Cas, hey.”

Cas is about to hang up and let Dean get his four hours of sleep, but Dean is actively seeking advice from Cas about his mother.

And, like, Dean, honey. Your Angel never had a mother, let alone one who came back from the dead after missing your entire childhood.

Like, Amara tried to do a nice thing for Dean, but it kinda fucks up the world even more. Kinda the theme of the show, right?

But I do like that Dean is asking Cas for advice and opening up to him… even if it goes nowhere.

“Powerfully warded. Okay, see, buddy, that was your headline, right there.” “Are we still discussing the same thing?” “Where are you?”

Aww, he confused the little Angel. I know that’s kinda their thing, but Cas is improving at the investigative stuff, and I do like that he gets that arc.

I mean, when he solves that case in S15 and goes back to the Winchesters after he and Dean divorced, it feels like he realized how much he could learn, how much he could overcome, how he is still useful, Angel power or none.

Also, how ridiculous are Cas and Dean trying to hold Mama Winchester back? And Cas even knows how stupid his request is, but goes along with it because Dean asks.

And the fact that Dean asks with a look makes me warm and fuzzy inside. I’ve always been a fan of their ability to talk without talking. That started early in the relationship, and I’m always giddy when it makes an appearance.

“I powered down all the wardings in this shack so your attack dog could come in.”

Dean looks to Cas on this and Cas is already looking back at him. I do like Cas getting to be a bit of the muscle for a while, Angel powers and all. Might as well use them sometimes, loves!

S12E03 -

“Castiel. What are you doing up?” “Oh, I’m always up. Angels don’t need sleep.”

Dean really needs to talk to his mom more about his Situationship. I mean, she has a lot to learn about him, but I think she’s already getting a good idea of the guy.

“Castiel, after you left heaven, when did it start to feel like, like you fit, like you belonged here?” “Well I’m still not sure I do. … Mary. You do belong here.” “Goodnight, Castiel.”

Okay, she likes her boy’s situationship. Very much.

“If it is him, I will call you. In the meantime, I think you’re needed here.”

Look at Cas trying to get them to address the Mom issue. That’s growth for Cas understanding humanity! He clearly can see the troubles going on within Mary and he’s trying to help Dean—who sucks at emotions—work through it.

When it comes to bullets and bloodshed, Dean knows the only way is through. When it comes to emotions, he bottles up, buttons down, and disappears into his head.

S12E04 -

“Bad news?” “Cas is chumming it up with Crowley. They’re hunting Lucifer together. That’s right. One’s an angel. One’s a demon, and apparently they solve crimes.”

Welp, at least he told you this time, right?! Seriously, Season 12 Dean and Cas are communicating, and I kinda love it.

S12E05 -

“Nazis. I hate these guys.”

I pumped my fists in the air at this line, y’all. It doesn’t have jack shit to do with Destiel, but I knew the moment I heard it I had to mention it. Fuck, yeah!

S12E06 -

“Are you a romcom chick?” “Are you?”

Hey, Sammy said he was! You can be more than one kind of person, Dean-o. You have such a binary, boxed-in way of looking at the world that you can’t even see it!

S12E07 -

“You consider switching up your duds here? Bit stiff for this town.” “He could be an agent or something.” “Yeah, maybe a third tier agent.” “At least I don’t look like a lumberjack.”

Ah, yes, the bitchy bickering of totally straight people.

I mean, Dean’s reaction is hilarious. Ackles is always good when it comes to a good reaction shot, but the ones where he and Collins are feeding off of one another particularly land.

In this case, Collins is the straight man and Ackles brings that laugh home. It’s a lovely rhythm, and I like when the Writers take advantage of it this way.

“Well, the only way you clear that crowd without drawing fire is if he’s otherwise engaged.” “Engaged in what, Cas? Killing you?” “Cas, you’ll last three minutes. Tops.” “Then I’ll buy you three minutes.” “Make it four. What? I help.”

Not much of a goodbye here, right? I guess Dean must’ve thought they were all going to be just fine, or he felt he and Cas were cool enough that if they went out this way, so be it.

Because, let’s be real, if Cas bit the dust, here, he’d be a mess.

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand. I was inside you. I know what a weak, duty-bound, pleasureless dullard you are.”

Hey, fuck you, buddy! It’s a running theme that the one thing all Angels can agree on is putting Castiel down. Any of y’all notice? All of them try to tell him how weak he is and dull he is.

Maybe they’re just jealous God keeps bringing Cas back and leaving the rest of them drooling on the floor of the Empty. I dunno.

“How you feeling?” “I’m not dead.”

Oh, Cas. Never change.

“Vince Vincente is dead.” “We never even hoped to save him.”

Wow, these two are in reversal from last season. When Casifer was roaming the Earth, it was Dean’s hope to vacate Lucifer before he faced Amara—to protect Cas. He was intent on saving Castiel.

This time, he’s on the “Yeah, we didn’t have a hope” side of the argument. Because that was Cas and he couldn’t risk losing him.

And, Dean, my dear, any clue why that might be? Nope. Not yet. Maybe after Cas dies a couple more times…

S12E8 -

Cas drops the coffee cups—the cups he grabbed for Dean and Sam. Another little act of service.

The boys rush in, and Dean is the first to reach Cas, grabbing onto his arm and back. Dean releases the hand on the arm, but keeps the one on his back, even as Cas tells them what’s going on. Dean doesn’t pull his arm away until Cas straightens.

“Alright. Stay here. We got this.”

Dean tries to get Cas to stay in the car, but as soon as he sees something’s going down, he’s on his feet and ready to fight.

“Cas, don’t.”

Cas is ready to take on the world for Dean Winchester. But, he stands down for the very same reason. There were times Dean begged him to stop, he didn’t, and the world and Heaven suffered.

So, while he’ll fight back when he thinks Dean’s being a dick, this time, he listens.

Oh! And love the detail that when everyone else ducks for cover, Cas just sorta stands there and goes, “huh”.

Also, the dude from Dear Santa!? I always thought he was a talented lad. Good for him landing a recurring role on a killer show!

“Who are you people?” “Well, dear. I’m a witch. He’s an Angel.” “And I’m the King of Hell.” “Oh, God.” “No, actually, he left.”

This little sequence of dialogue is amazing. It’s perfectly delivered, shot, edited, and still makes me giggle when I watch it, even though I’ve watched it a million times and committed it to memory.

Also, I love how Cas and Dean work wordlessly together, here. Cas gets the Bible and Dean sees where this is going, so he’s ready with the bin and the water. They’re really working well without words this season.

Oh, how far they’ve come!

S12E09 -

“You left them.” “Dean told me to go…”

I had to delete what I originally wrote because I realized I might have been channeling some of my own abandonment issues a bit too aggressively the first time around.

Let’s just say Mother Mary attacking Cas when she’s the one who left her kids because she missed the babies they once were didn’t sit well with me.

“If they needed help, why didn’t they call me?” “You were out.”

This.

“How do we let this happen, Castiel?”

We!? I’m sorry, we!? Castiel has been there with your boys, helping them. Working with them. Trying to work through all the shit the Universe throws at them. While she was off doing her own thing.

You are not in the same league, lady. So, stop taking your frustration at yourself and your own damn issues extend to Cas.

“I just wanted to say… I’m sorry.”

It’s a start. But you’re still on my shit list.

“They’ve only been gone-” “Six weeks, two days, and ten hours.”

See? Castiel knows it to the minute and you’re over here berating him when he’s been trying to find them, aching without Dean and worried for Sam.

Maybe it’s the first time she realizes just how much Cas cares because you can see the look in her eyes as this hits her.

“We’ll find them, Castiel. We will.”

Ah, yes, last season it was Sam comforting Dean about Cas. Now, it’s Mary comforting Cas about Dean.

And we’re supposed to ignore the parallels and pretend Destiel is a part of our imaginations. Yeah, right!

And then Castiel talks about the case he tried to work solo, the case he couldn’t solve, and how he ended up running away because he thought he wasn’t good enough to take care of it. Even when Mary offers to help, he answers, resigned:

“I’d only get in your way.”

He’s trying to “carry on” (thank you Kansas) for the boys. To do what they do. But he’s not quite there, yet, and it’s only making him feel worse.

“Cas.” “Dean?” “Hey, buddy, long time.” “What- what happened? Where are you?”

Look at the little Angel’s face. He’s so relieved to hear the voice of his love, again.

“Hey, buddy.”

Hugging is so natural by this point. But the way the camera hangs on Cas as he watches the Winchesters—mom and sons—reunite is telling.

He’s still on the outside here a bit, isn’t he? Much as he loves them. Much as he wants to protect them. He knows he’s not one of them.

“Cas, what have you done?”

Like any of y’all was gonna let one of the others take the fall. You’re Winchesters. You’re the “never give up” humans who keep Chuck entertained and baffle the rest of the supernatural world.

“You know this world, this sad, doomed little world, it needs you. It needs every last Winchester it can get and I will not let you die. I won’t let any of you die. And I won’t let you sacrifice themselves. You mean to much to me. To everything.”

Yup. This is the episode for Mary to realize just how much Castiel means to them. How much they mean to him. He’s an Angel who defied Heaven, who fell, who chose the Winchesters again and again and again.

But Mary knows nothing of that. She hasn’t witnessed it and she didn’t stick around long enough for her kid to learn it.

This episode shows her the bond her boys have with their feathered friend.

“Yeah, you made a deal. You made a stupid deal and I broke it. You’re welcome.”

The Winchesters are too damned shocked to berate him. Yes, Castiel has done some crazy, unhinged things for them in the past. But this is probably the craziest, at least to Dean and Sam.

As far as Mama Mary knows, this is an average Thursday.

S12E10 -

“You talk to Cas, yet?” “No.” “So, you’re just gonna keep walking past each other in the kitchen not saying a word?” “Maybe.”

Oh my gosh, these two are so married. And because make-up sex isn’t on the table at this point, they’re going to have to take the long way around to talking to one another, again.

“I’m not pissed that he… cares about us. You know. I’m grateful.”

Can’t say that Cas loves you, can you? I mean it. “Love” is a big and nebulous thing for Dean, no matter what shape or size it comes in.

If you’re not friend, family, or fuck-buddy, he doesn’t know what the hell to do with ya.

“My point is, Cas thought he was doing the right thing.” “I was doing the right thing.” “You sure about that?” “Yes.” “Well, I’m not so sure.” “And when the other shoe drops?” “I’ll deal with it.”

Seriously, they are so married and Sam’s trying to play intermediary to get his brother and brother-in-law to stop fighting.

Also, we’ve talked before about how Dean doesn’t mind being the one to die. He’d much rather it be him than anyone else he loves. And when those Cosmic Consequences drop, he doesn’t know which one of ’em it’ll drop on.

He has zero control, and he hates that position.

But soon enough, Cas’ll find the positions he likes.

I’m sorry! I’m so sorry. It just popped in my head, and then it tapped itself into the laptop and now it’s there. So, I can’t delete it on principle.

“Got a lead on Kelly?” “No, this is personal.” “Meaning what?”

I love that Dean wants to know. Like, he’s still fully invested in Cas even if he’s angry at him.

Wanna punch my boyfriend but pooky’s going out and not telling me why and I don’t like that, either.

Yeah, these two are totally married in S12.

“We’ll come with you.” “Both of you?” “Sure. Yeah, we could help. Gotta make sure you don’t do anything else stupid.”

Cas rolls his eyes, but Sam’s reaction makes me laugh the hardest. It’s like, “You were so close to getting through that without insulting your spouse, again”.

It’s Dean, Sam. Part of working relationships is working on them, communicating, sharing feelings and emotions.

He’s a walking advertisement for therapy and early intervention. You aren’t going to change that with a withering stare.

They ride in silence, which is weirding Sam out because the tension is thick. He tries the radio, but Dean doesn’t want it. He’d rather stew. And Cas stews with him.

Because this plays into one of the funniest and most consistent push/pulls between these two—Dean’s determination to sacrifice himself and Cas’ mission to protect him. And, yes, we know this goes both ways.

Kinda like Dean, am I right!?

ahem

“Alright, guys, you know what? This silent treatment thing, it’s silly. Its not gonna work. Whatever we’re walking into, we should, you know, probably have an actual plan.” “What do you want to know? “Oh, he speaks.” “Enough.”

This is so the couple in your life are arguing and you’re trying to get them to calm the fuck down. Also, Cas’ little glare at the back of Dean’s head is not helping the implied domestic squabble vibe of this scene. Just sayin’.

“Wow. This Benjamin seems like he’s pretty cool. Like he wouldn’t make any half-cocked, knee-jerk choices.” “Yeah, you know what I like about him is that he is sarcastic, but he’s thoughtful and appreciative, too.” “Now, what is that supposed to mean?”

Oh. My. Gosh. These two are totally married.

Dean has actually turned around in his seat to face Cas, completely ignoring the road. And neither of them is backing down. Poor Sam has to be the voice of reason.

And the camera swoop!? Normally we get the camera swoop between these two when Cas appears behind him or when Cas is there as backup. It’s often something that brings us comfort because of its familiarity.

This time, we’re breaking the convention because these two are in each other’s faces even if one’s in the backseat. They’re still connected by that blasted cord, even though right now they’d rather be annoyed with one another.

This isn’t brotherly, y’all. We have Sam and Dean to give us plenty of reference points for how Dean argues with a brother. This is something else and Dean doesn’t even see it.

They even added a horn sound to show that Dean’s driving is making others nervous outside the car. Bro, stop focusing on your argument with an Angel and keep your eyes on the road.

“She’s… his… friend.”

Sam, this is a wild choice. Like, “Lover” or something else more affectionate is right there, and if any Winchester would reach for it, it would be you. But you went with “Friend” which is technically what both of you call the Angel.

“Ishim said to come alone. He doesn’t like humans. If I plan to do anything else stupid, I’ll let you know.”

This is so bitchy. I love it. More, please.

Cas is looking past Dean so Dean knows without the shady of a doubt that this is for him. It’s catty and it’s direct, and I freakin’ love it. Dean needs a bit of this, sometimes.

“So, is he a hero? Is he a spanner in the works? I don’t know.”

Alright, you can fuck right off, Ishim.

“And you’re gonna storm in riiiiiiiiiight now.”

Dean is pacing outside the restaurant. He doesn’t like this one bit.

“Hey.” {Dean offers a bit of a shit-eating grin} “Dean.” “Feel a little left out over there.”

Cas doesn’t say anything to Sam, because he knows this isn’t Sam’s idea. Sam’s just along for the ride, on this one, as Dean determinedly tries to smash them all into a single booth, practically sitting in Castiel’s lap.

And before Dean’s even sat down, Ishim clocked it. Because Dean is zeroed in on Cas, and Castiel only chides Dean.

No doubt, since they know who the Winchesters are, they’ve heard legend of Destiel. I mean, almost every demonic or celestial being they come into contact with has some understanding of what’s going on, here, even if it’s not the complete picture.

“These are my friends. My friends who don’t listen very well.”

Dean almost looks proud with that little smirk and glance over. Jackass.

“You know, when I knew Castiel, he was a soldier. He was a warrior. He was an Angel’s Angel. Now, look how far he’s fallen.” “How about a little coffee with that sugar?”

Ishim’s been talking shit to Cas the whole time, but Dean doesn’t know that. All he knows is that he rolls up in here to see what’s going down and finds some dick Angel talking down to his Angel. It pisses him off.

And Ishim’s making mental note of it. He’s building the narrative in his head.

He sees in Cas and Dean him and Lily Sunder, for better or worse. But, he sees it—Castiel’s human weakness isn’t humanity. It’s Dean.

Only difference is that in this case, it’s love rather than obsession on Castiel’s part, and—though he won’t realize it until way too late—Dean has loved Cas for years.

No, I’m not going to get into what kind of love right now because it doesn’t matter. But Dean Winchester loves Cas in a way he loves nobody else. That’s just a fact.

And Ishim sees he’s pushed the right button. He glances from Dean to Cas and starts in on another round of insults.

“No wings. No home. Just a ratty old coat and a pair of poorly trained monkeys.” “Oh, well, you can go to Hell.” {Ishim smiles}

Ishim is poking at the pain points. He has his suspicions, but he wants confirmation. And he likes being a dick.

Dean glares at this fucker the whole time (until he mentions pie). Anything he was feeling toward Cas on the way here is melting away because Defender Dean is activated.

“Why do you let him talk to you like that? … I get that we need Super Dick there, but, I mean, come on.” “The Angels that I served with are being killed, so I will put up with Ishim, I will put up with everything else, and so will you. I have to go.”

This is so couple-coded. Like, “Honey, yes that asshole at the company Christmas party was sexist, but I need to make partner before I take him to HR”.

“You don’t owe them an explanation.” “Okay, hang on now. Uh, one eyed willy back there wasn’t trying to kill us. She was after you, so talk before she kicks in the damn door.”

It’s that “Choose Castiel, them or us” and it’s always really Dean. It’s about Dean. And Castiel will always choose Dean.

“They won’t understand.” “Cas, what’s going on?”

They even did the camera swoop from Ishim to Dean. It’s always going to be Dean. Give it a rest, Ishim.

“We’ll find her. Me and Sam.” “No, Dean.” “Cas, she doesn’t care about us, okay?”

Everything else from earlier has melted away. No, it’s not forgotten, but as long as there’s some magic-wielding, badass bitch with a blade gunning for his Angel, Dean’s going to put that shit to the side and charge into battle.

Or… a plea for mercy, as the case may be.

“Are you saying that those angels deserved to die? You think I deserve to die?” “No. No. That’s not what he’s saying.” “What is he saying?”

Have you ever had to be the translator for someone you love? Because while Sam cares about Cas, Dean knows him better than anyone. Anyone.

And so Dean sees Cas’ confusion and tries to help clarify, to calm him, to help him understand.

“We have to try.” “That’s right. And we’re not askin’.”

I mean, since you were roped into this, you’ve inserted yourself (I’m restraining here, friends, but it is not easy) everywhere Cas didn’t want you.

Damnit. It still came out wrong.

But, yeah, I’m not surprised that Dean “ask questions later” Winchester is going to help Cas whether he wants it or not.

Side Note: Hey, I found his middle name, at last!

“They’re a danger to us, case in point.” “Well my friendship with Sam and Dean has made me stronger.” “You can’t really believe that.”

Yes, he can, dipshit. Love and friendship and community always make us stronger. And that kind of strength isn’t something a bullish bastard with bad manners like you could ever understand.

“See, Cas is our family. So we can’t let you hurt him.”

Dean comes for Cas and immediately notes how worn and tired he is. He sits down on the couch next to Cas, but his positioning is already protective. He has a hand on the couch near Cas’s shoulder, and his positioning shields Cas.

“I think Ishim… I think he’s playing you.”

This is language Dean won’t use lightly. They used it before with the Angel who possessed Sam and Metatron fooling Cas. When they get played, it goes bad.

Dean helps Castiel to stand. Cas doesn’t have to ask. Dean’s there for him without him needing to ask when they’re actually on the same page.

“Who are you gonna believe? Your brother? Or some filthy ape who’s always talking down to you. Always mocking you?”

No, that would be you, feathers-for-brains.

“You know, Cas and I might not agree all the time, but at least he knows who his real friends are.”

I find the continued use of the two-shot of Cas and Dean here fascinating.

We’re racking focus between them based on what the coverage needs, but it lends a very “us vs you” quality to the scene, very clearly delineating that there’s no conflict for Cas—he didn’t need to be asked to choose this time.

It’s always going to be Dean.

“Who is he to question my choices? Who is he to question yours?” “Well, it seems that some of my choices may need to be questioned.

Growth. Because back in Season 6, Castiel was so convinced he was doing the right thing that even when Dean begged him to see otherwise, he couldn’t. Now, we see it’s an Angel problem.

And it’s another way where Castiel has stepped closer to Humanity. Not just in keeping company with the Winchesters, but in the way he thinks and the way he lives.

Castiel is presently neither Human or entirely Angel, but his own blend of two opposing forces made one through chemistry and devotion.

In short: Love changes us.

Not just romantic love, to be clear. All love changes us.

I still remember my first grade teacher. We recently reconnected on Facebook 34 years later (ugh, I’m old). I used to stay the night at her house and she taught me to make clay beads, paper mache face masks, to garden, to look at the stars and moon through a telescope, to hike in the woods.

I’ve thought back on those days over and over during the years when thinking of how to raise my own children—of what I wanted them to experience differently from how I grew up.

I had one beautiful year knowing that woman, and her love helped shape how I love my children all these years later.

Never discount the power of love.

“I used to envy you, Castiel. You believe that? You survived Hell. You were chosen by God. But now look at you. You’re just sad and pathetically weak.” “So, now, I’m gonna help you. I’m gonna cure you of your human weakness same way I cured my own—by cutting it out.”

Yup. Ishim thinks Cas loves Dean. I mean, we knew this. But if Dean’s listening in any manner to this conversation while he’s making that sigil on the wall, he knows it, too.

Dean’s ready with the sigil, and it gives the schmuck pause. But, he points out very quickly that poor Castiel is injured, and Dean might want to think twice about that particular move.

Ishim is a technician at isolating weakness. He’s now using Dean’s against him.

“You held him for long enough.”

This isn’t remotely a Destiel moment, but it’s one of my favorites of the episode. Lily thinks Ishim is going to finish her off, but the injured Castiel is able to stand long enough to kill a fellow Angel right in front of her.

She knows they were in the same group of Angels—that Castiel was part of the team that killed her daughter. But here he is, taking out the Angel trying to kill her.

There’s such awe in her eyes, as she sees that everything Dean and Sam said about Castiel is true. He doesn’t feel like other Angels. What he and the Winchesters has is real.

He falls to his knees as she still watches him, struggling to wrestle with her desire for revenge and adjusting to what she just witnessed.

These humans were willing to attack Ishim to protect her and Castiel. And then Castiel was willing to kill one of his own because he knew it was the right thing in the moment.

It’s hard when something rocks your reality. Dean will experience that in S15E18. But that’s a story for another time.

“He’s dead. Are you done?” “Revenge is all I’ve had for over 100 years. It’s all I am.” “Wrong answer. You’re done.”

OOoh, the parallels!! The parallels! Who else do we know who thinks that all they are is something dark and twisted?

“Dean.”

Dean says nothing, but acknowledges Cas. He doesn’t see the side-eye Cas casts him, but Lily does. She looks back to Cas.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong. And while its true that I didn’t know we were killing an innocent, ignorance is no excuse. I truly can’t imagine the depths of your loss.”

Castiel stands and walks within arm’s distance. He’s giving her plenty of space to stab him dead, right there.

It’s an important gesture—he’s offering himself up to pay for what he did. Yes, he didn’t know… but he still did the wrong thing. And he’s willing to pay the price.

“This was your child. I can’t imagine the pain. So if you leave here and you find that you can’t forgive me, I’ll be waiting. “Thank you.”

Lily has tears rolling down her cheeks. She said that every time she uses the Enochian magic, she burns more of her soul away. And right here, with his words, Castiel saves what’s left of this woman’s soul.

Because in him she sees what she’s never seen in an Angel before—remorse. Penance. The understanding that he was wrong and that being an Angel doesn’t absolve him from guilt or consequences.

And I’m thinking of S15E18—another time when Cas’ words heal what is broken. Yes, he’s a soldier. A warrior of God.

But the very things that make him different, the things that other Angels see as cracks and weaknesses—the things that make him more human—are the things that connect with us.

Love is what Ishim viewed as weakness. But love is what allowed Castiel to connect with Lily here, at the end. Love is what binds him to the Winchesters. And love will someday heal a profound brokenness in Dean.

At the start of this episode, Dean was annoyed with Cas—that his “caring” about them was going to get them in trouble. But, now they’ve gone through this whole episode where his ability to care is what saved the day.

Seriously, this is one of my favorite episodes not just because I’m a Destiel girly, but because of the way the themes, the characters, and their journeys are so effortlessly woven together.

“You earned it.” “This will do very little for me, but I appreciate the gesture.”

Dean pats his shoulder affectionately.

“What Ishim said, you’re not weak, Cas. You know that, right?” “I mean, obviously, you’ve changed, but it’s all been for the better, man.” “And you have been with us every step of this long, crazy thrill ride. And no matter how crazy it got, you never backed down.”

This reads as a lover checking in—making sure that his Angel knows how much he valued and doesn’t take the words of some asshole to heart.

“Cas, I don’t like how the whole Billie thing went down, okay? I know you thought you were doing the right thing. And I’m not mad. I’m worried. Because things like “cosmic consequences” have a habit of biting us in the ass.” “I know they do. But I don’t regret what I did, even if it costs me my life.”

They’re finally having a mature conversation about this. Because, let’s be honest, neither of them knows how to do this whatever it is.

Dean’s had some semi-long-term relationship stuff, yes. But not with someone who’s a part of their world and knows everything, I mean everything he’s done, good and bad. And Castiel’s an Angel shoe allegiances and alliances have determined whatever relationships he had.

Their relationship is something else that remains unnamed, to me. Like, I might comment on which labels seem to apply at a given moment in the story, but ultimately, I like that their relationship is theirs.

The Winchester parents were paired up by Cupid. God had a hand in ensuring their relationship. Destiel is the polar opposite of that—God didn’t see this one coming. And, frankly, I think it pisses him off.

From the moment he told Cas, “You’re not in this story” and Castiel said they were “Making it up as we go”, we knew that Dean and Cas are different. (Yes, Sam, too, but that’s not part of this particular point)

Castiel is a spanner in the works. And the Winchester boys are the most defiant of any universe—the ones who assert their free will time and time, again, despite Chuck’s best efforts.

Destiel doesn’t need labels to exist. Castiel loves Dean. Yes, we know it blossoms to a romantic love. And Dean loves Cas in a way he’s never loved another being. It just is.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself…

“So, what are you gonna do if you find Kelly and, uh, Lucifer Jr?” … “But, Cas, at the end of the day it’s a mom and her kid. I mean, do you think you’ll be able to…” “There’s a time when I wouldn’t have hesitated. But now, I don’t know.”

It’s not a great answer, but it’s an honest one. My Dad likes to say, “My favorite answer is ’I don’t know’ because then you can learn something new. You can figure it out, research, seek knowledge. It’s a perfectly valid answer".

“So, what are we gonna do?”

We. Us. Maybe everything isn’t forgiven, but they aren’t going to pass wordlessly in the halls, anymore. They’re aligned, again.

Everything in this episode showed that no matter how pissed they get at one another, Dean and Cas find their way back. They always find their way back.

S12E11 -

“Look, we can figure this out, alright? Don’t go calling Mom or Cas with this.”

Dean knows precisely who Sam would have on speed dial when something goes sideways. The Mom and the Boyfriend.

Like, seriously, Dean’s emergency contact list is short, but it’s intimate.

“And, our best friend’s an Angel!”

Really? A handprint is what reminded you of that!? And seeing it’s a bloody handprint makes me all the more heartbroken thinking about S15E18. Ugh, now I’m sad, again.

“My name is Dean Winchester. Sam is my brother. Uh, Mary Winchester is my mom. And Cast- Cas is my best friend.”

These are the things he’s holding onto tightest—the people who matter most to him in the world. Sam. Mom. Cas. He’s trying so hard to hold on.

And, as someone whose Mother-in-Law is suffering from dementia and getting worse and worse, this was a hard episode to watch. Because while Dean got happy without the burdens, my MIL is angrier and harsher, and I’m the one who she’s cast as the villain.

It’s not uncommon with dementia patients, and it’s not my first time with a family member to go through this. But for my husband, it’s devastating. I might tell him to skip this episode when he starts watching the show, again.

Oh! Matt watched the first three seasons back in the day during the first-run. I caught some over his shoulder, then, but it didn’t really stick. Since I’ve been talking his ear off, he’s considering diving back in. I think he’d enjoy it!

S12E12 -

“And how ’bout you, handsome?”

The Winchesters are a little taken aback. But, c’mon, y’all, the blue eyes? The disheveled adorableness? There are women who would kill for a night with that.

And as I write it, I’m suddenly hoping all these boys have good security systems in their homes in real life. Because, yeah, stalkers are a real thing and after watching my mom go through it, I can say yikes.

Admire from afar, my friends. Admire from afar.

And Castiel orders something, even though he doesn’t eat. More than likely, one of the others is going to take the food from him to polish off after eating theirs.

“Oh, dude, she is into you.” “Dean.” “No, this is good. We’ve been looking for teachable moments.”

Bro, last time you thought a chick was into him he ended up babysitting. You might not be the best at guiding Cas through the dating world.

Plus, Mom’s trying to subtly get you to stop because she long ago clocked the Angel’s puppy dog eyes for you.

Also, this table conversation is mad reminding me of my favorite family dinner scene in the history of cinema—from While You Were Sleeping. Like, this feels so real and lived-in and earned.

It’s delightful, and I don’t know if it’s writing or directing or both that’s responsible, but I adore it.

“You look like hammered crap.” “Yeah, that sounds about right.”

Dean’s trying to keep it light, because that’s how he gets through all the shit of life. But as soon as he glimpses Cas’ stomach, he sees how bad it is. The Angel isn’t healing, and it’s only getting worse.

“Dean, something’s wrong. I can’t heal myself. I think the, I think the demon’s spear was poisoned. I don’t- I think I’m dying.”

Cue Ackles on that damn lip quiver. Seriously, man, are you trying to kill us? It’s sad enough the Angel’s dying and you need to add to the body count?

Try as he might to stay strong for Cas, he can see how bad it is, and calls Sam over.

“If you’re an Angel, you just rot away. Sorry, Castiel.” “No, no. There’s a cure. There’s always a cure, and we will find it.”

Damn your eternal optimism, Dean.

“Hey, I was growing fond of the choir boy, too.” “Shut up, shut up.”

Dean isn’t ready to say goodbye to Cas. No way. No how.

“Cas, how bad is it?” {Cas shows his chest, covered in lines} “Crowley’s right. You should go.” “Cas, come on.” “No, you listen to me. You, thank you. Thank you. Knowing you, it, it’s been the best part of my life.”

Cas is casting his eyes around to everyone. This isn’t the intimate goodbye of S15E18. He isn’t trying to single out Dean, even though it’s there. He’s saying goodbye to his family.

“The things we’ve shared together, they have changed me.”

He’s looking at Dean for this one, and the editing choices confirm it—this is for Dean. “You changed me, Dean”.

Mary looks from Cas to Dean to see her boy’s reaction, and she sees him absorbing the words, trying not to feel the pain as Castiel struggles to breathe.

“You’re my family. I love you.”

Cas looks away on that last bit. He looks away, but the camera shows us Dean in this moment. Two episodes earlier, he said that Cas “cared” about them, but maybe Dean didn’t realize how much.

Maybe he didn’t realize the kind of love an Angel was capable of—but Castiel isn’t any old Angel.

“I love all of you.”

Cas looks to Sam first, but then to Dean. And the reverse shot here is Dean, looking down at a dying Cas, lip quivering. We’ll finally see Sam, again, after we see Dean. Moose is sad to lose the Angel, too.

But Sam will always know how much harder it hits Dean. Every time.

And all of these cuts between Cas and Dean are intentional, as are the shots of Mary looking from her son to this Angel, who means so much to him, who her actions injured.

Editing is an art. It’s a skill. There’s a reason there are awards for it because it’s storytelling.

Some folks think all the storytelling happens on the page or on the screen or both. And much as I love writers and wholeheartedly believe they still don’t get their due, everyone involved in a production is some sort of storyteller.

Lights tell a story. Where they are. Where they aren’t.

Costuming tells a story. What a character wears. Their state of mind. Their motivations and needs.

Set dressing tells a story. What matters to these characters and what doesn’t? What do they preserve and what do they let go?

So when I say Editing tells a story, you better believe I mean in. How a scene is cut together matters. Now, yes, the shots themselves and coverage are determined way ahead of time.

There may be storyboarding, discussions with the Director of Photography and working with the Director of a given episode to achieve their vision. Not to mention adjustments made on-the-fly once you’re actually setting up the scene.

But the Editors have a hand in this story, too. Some Directors lean over their Editors a lot, and some don’t. No clue which is the case in this episode. But if you look at all these shots during Castiel’s death speech, how they’re edited together says the things unsaid.

This is the “subtext” Destiel shippers caught onto long, long ago. So much of their story is told simply in how the scenes are lovingly stitched together.

We aren’t trying to read into something that isn’t there. We’re simply following the breadcrumbs to what appears to be a logical conclusion.

From Cas to Dean. Mary looking from Cas to Dean, not to Sam. Dean to Cas.

Yes, there are shots of Sam in there, but the shots that correspond with the dialogue are leading us somewhere. We’re simply following the breadcrumbs.

“Just please, please don’t make my last moments be spent watching you die. Just run. Save yourselves. And I will hold Ramiel off as long as I can.”

Oh, Cas. “I’ll hold them all off” with the archangels. “Run” with the Leviathans. Asking Dean to leave him alone as soon as he found the Angel in Purgatory. Even as he’s dying, he wants to save them.

Again, and again, and again. Protecting the Winchesters is his greatest mission.

“Cas, no.” “Yes. You need to keep fighting.” “We are fighting. We’re fighting for you, Cas.”

Aw, Sammy. Not gonna let your brother’s boyfriend die. Love the support!

“And like you said, you’re family. And we don’t leave family behind.”

To me, this is the moment Mary fully registers what Castiel means to her boy, even if Dean doesn’t see it himself, yet. Cas is next to her, trying not to cry.

Because this is love. Is it the romantic love he believes he’ll never receive from Dean? No. But there are many kinds of love, and Cas doesn’t need reciprocal love to love Dean. He simply… loves him.

But that “for love” Castiel talks about in S15E18? This is one of those times the Angel gets to witness Dean’s “for love” being “for Cas”. And that’s damn powerful.

Castiel starts to cry. Not the tears of agony or heartbreak, but of love. There have been many times when Dean’s love has shone through, that Cas has witnessed.

But I don’t think he’s ever felt it as acutely as he did here.

Look how Cas is locked on Dean in that moment. Remember, he’s an Angel. And he can see into Dean. This is a “heart choice” and it’s for Cas.

Once healed, the Winchester boys help Cas up, but once he’s on his feet, Cas only has eyes for Dean. And Dean looks back like he can’t believe it. While Sam releases Cas’ hand fairly quickly, Dean and Cas linger on one another’s as Dean pats Cas’ back.

Mary is about to fess up when Castiel asks what Ramiel meant about someone stealing from him, but Dean’s just happy to have Cas back, and his gaze and voice are so soft.

Mary clamps down—but not before she notices the intense staring going on between these two. She realizes what she almost did, what she almost took from her son. Indirectly, yes, but that was too damn high a price.

“Let’s go home.”

Home. Home is sometimes a place. Sometimes a person. But always a feeling.

“I almost lost one of my boys.”

This woman loves her son-in-law. Like, from moment one, she clocked something going on between Cas and Dean, and in only her second episode, Castiel was the one trying to offer her comfort, to tell her she belonged.

Cas and Dean have their falling outs, yes, but they find their way back. And this time, it was her actions and her secrets that nearly tore them apart. She doesn’t want to risk that, again. How could she look her son in the eye?

S12E14 -

“You were running an errand for the Brits. You kept it from us. Cas almost died.”

Always gonna be Dean to bring up his sweetheart.

“I am your mother. But I am not just a mom. And you are not a child.” “I never was.”

Damn, this hurts. The stories I could tell you… the things that happen when you childhood ends at 5, for Dean, or 6, for me.

“And this whole peacemaker schtick that you've been running, first with Cas, now with Mom. It’s getting old, man.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” “You’re always playing the middle, Sam. For once, why don’t you pick a side?”

Y’know what, Dean, your brother has your back through so much bullshit. And while you’re all black-and-white, pick-a-side, Sam has a view that leans grey and mediated. He doesn’t have to always agree with you to have your back.

But, I mean, I hate your mother, so there’s that, I guess.

And, again, no hate against the actress. She does a lovely job. But I could chuck the character off the page in two seconds flat and show zero remorse. Good thing I’m not writing her arc, eh? It’d be two pages long and so boring.

We need the conflict, I get it. But, personally, I can still want to tell her off.

S12E15 -

Cas meets that other Angel who gets him to betray Dean… again.

“Look, you’ve got more field experience than the next thousand angels combined.” “I think you overestimate me.”

This Angel is poking at him. Sure, you’ve got the Winchesters, but why not work with us, too? Yeah, this place is nice, but don’t you miss home?

“He sound weird to you?”Oh, Dean, your Castiel Sense has come a long way. And the last time you ignored your Castiel Tingle (nope… we gotta find another word for that) he turned out to be Lucifer.

So, that means you’re going to follow up, right? Right?!

Yeah, no. This is Dean Winchester. Move on to the next Monster of the Week, Lady of the night, and Beer of the hour.

S12E16 -

“Killing monsters is what we do. Or maybe paling around with demons and witches, you’ve forgotten.” “Don’t tell me how to do my job.” “Well, then do it.” “You think it’s that simple, do you?” “I really do.” “Yeah, I used to think the same thing. Here’s a little tip. Things aren’t just black and white out here.”

Yes, Dean. Yes. Finally showing that frickin’ growth you’ve been working at.

And, like Cas with the Angels, trying to pass on that earned growth without all the scars to another Hunter. Well, British Man of Letters, but close enough.

S12E17 -

“Hey, you hear anything from Cas, yet?” “Mm. No. Still MIA.” “You think he’s alright?” “I don’t know.”

Stupid Cas worrying his stupid boyfriend. Call him, Cas! Geez Louise!

S12E18 -

“Cas, it’s me. I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for days. I don’t know what’s going on, but we got a line on Dagon, and we got our asses handed to us even with the colt. So, we could really use the backup. Just call me back.”

Dean’s getting worried. You can hear it in his voice. Who knows how many messages he’s left, how many times he’s texted to no avail.

Also, try praying. Even if he’s out of cell service, he’s not outta prayer coverage!

“So, no luck with Cas, huh?” “Yeah, still AWOL.” “Alright, so let’s find him.” “I’ve been trying, Sam. The GPS on his phone is turned off, and there’s nothing in the system about some weird guy in a trench coat getting arrested or turning up dead.” “Dean, it’s Cas. I mean, this isn’t the first time he’s dropped off the map, you know? And whatever’s happening, he’ll be fine. He always is.” “Yeah.”

Now Sam is in comfort mode, knowing Dean’s been looking for Dead Cas. That’s how worried Dean is—he thinks Cas is gone gone.

And this is the episode where the table gets its first scratches as the boys leave their marks. I love the moments where we remember they are brothers not just brothers who hunt and save the world and doom the world and try to save it, again.

Like, the little human moments like this are what reminds us of their love for one another and that they do have some good moments together. Not just, y’know, shared generational trauma.

S12E19 -

“Let me rephrase that for Sam. Where the hell have you been. And why have you been ignoring our phone calls?”

Ooh, boyfriend is pissed you’re screening his calls, babe.

“It’s a gift. You keep those.”

I’m sorry. Is that… a mixtape!? Dean made a mixtape of his favorite songs for his boyfriend? Like, yes, Castiel is using this as an excuse to enter the room and carry out his latest betrayal.

But, Dean, you gotta level with me. How many of your guy friends have you made a mixtape for?

I mean, I’m old enough I made mixtapes on my boombox from the Top 40 that played on the radio. I’d memorize the order and know when to push down “record” to get the ones I loved.

But I wasn’t gonna share them with my brother. This is boyfriend behavior, Mr. Winchester, and you have some explaining to do!

“Cas you can’t… With everything that’s going on, you can’t just go dark like that. We didn’t know what happened. We were worried. That’s not okay.”

Oh, this aches. Dean is actually leveling with Cas and being honest. And I know Cas wishes he could be honest, back, but he thinks he’s protecting Dean by not including him.

It’s one of those lessons Cas just doesn’t quite learn—Dean would rather be in deep shit with you than in the dark. He’d rather be facing down the monsters by your side than stumbling blind.

Stop cutting your boyfriend out of the equation just because you’re afraid he might get hurt!

“Dean, I just keep failing. Again and again… I just wanted - I needed to come back here with a win for you. For myself.” {Dean turns} “You think you’re the only one rolling snake eyes here?”

This reminds me of, “I look like good luck to you?” Same vibes. Maybe Cas used that as the template for this whole conversation.

“We will find a better way.” “You mean we?” [motions between them} “Yes, dumbass, we. You, me, and Sam, we’re just better together. So now that you’re back, let’s go Team Free Will”

I’m sorry, Dean, but where the hell is the personal space?

“It was under my pillow. … He came into my room and he played me.”

I’m sorry. Phrasing.

Also, what are you doing telling your boy-toy you sleep with the colt under your pillow? How did Cas even know about it? When did you tell him? What was the context of this conversation? And when did you start telling Cas things you don’t tell Sam?

Like, look, I’m not unhappy you’re breaking away from that super co-dependent relationship that is literally holding you both back while at the same time preserving you in ways that separating cannot. But, I wish we got to see it.

“How did you find us?” “While you were scamming me for the colt, Sam put a tracking device on your phone.”

Ah, yes. One of you has half a braincell, and it ain’t the one blinded by love.

“I wanted to keep you out of this. I was trying to keep you safe.” “You’re not our babysitter, Cas, okay? This is not your job. {Cas reaction} And when in our whole lives have we ever been safe?”

Honestly, I don’t think Dean’s ever been loved like this. Think about it. Nobody was there to protect Dean.

Dean was the protector—the one constantly watching out for Sammy. And, now, he tries hard to protect Cas, too. But he’s not used to someone protecting him because he feels like that’s his job.

But nobody knows more than Castiel that even the great Dean Winchester sometimes needs saving.

“Dagon is after Kelly. Your truck is broke down. Why don’t we get in the Impala, we’ll head back to the bunker and we’ll talk. We’ll figure it out.”

The shots tighten after he says this. Cas, then Dean. It’s always a battle of wills with these two. And in this moment, Cas relents.

"I betrayed my friends… my family.”

Note he talks about “two of my men” for those who call him “brother” but he no longer sees the Angels as his family. He sees Dean and Sam as his family.

“Well he hasn’t exactly had a banner year… everything’s blowing up in his face and he’s so desperate for a win right now he can’t even see straight.”

Why are they so alike!? Dean takes the Mark of Cain and straight up murders a buncha people, then Sam’s able to get the Mark off only to unleash the fucking Darkness, and now Castiel’s on the lamb with the President’s mistress and the spawn of Satan.

Yeah, fun club you’ve got, boys. I heartily decline membership.

Later, Castiel straight up smites Dagon. The moment the power flows from Kelly’s hand to Cas, Dean sees it. It’s Dean who immediately spies something is up with Cas.

“You’re hurt.”

Even when they’re at odds, he’s going to heal Dean. And it’s fascinating that he reaches for his arm, here, his and Dean’s hands barely touching as he does. His fingers wrap around Dean’s arm when they don’t need to.

“Whatever that thing did to you, we’re not gonna just let you walk away.”

Dean has seen Cas lobotomized. He’s seen him possessed. He’s seen Cas go through so many horrible things, and he wants to stop this before it gets bad. But, it’s too late.

With a touch, Sam’s out. And as he reaches for Dean, all the human can mutter is “Don’t” before he’s out and headed to the ground.

S12E20 -

“So, last night, that Super Mario power up crap? That wasn’t Cas. That freakin’ baby isn’t even born, yet, and it sock-puppeted him.”

This makes sense, based on every other time he’s seen Cas a little off. There was Godstiel, there was Naomi mind control, and there was Casifer. I mean, when it comes to being controlled by other beings, Cas has a reputation.

And it always goes badly.

“Look, this doesn’t make any sense to me, either, Dean, but if we wanna have some shot at finding Cas, then we have to, I don’t know. Uh, try and think like him?”

Look at poor Dean. He is worried. They survive Casifer and all that bullshit for Cas to up and disappear to then con him of the Colt, then he goes AWOL with Satan’s semen.

“How? I mean, seriously. Up until now if Cas messed up, if he did something wrong, but he thought it was for the right reasons, I got it. Right? But last night when I looked at him, I did not recognize the guy staring back at me.”

I mean, to be fair, Castiel didn’t look constipated, concerned, or confused, so I guess that would make him harder to recognize.

“Even if you can’t swing by, can you call me back? Just some stuff going down that’s got me spun out.”

He can’t shake the Cas stuff. He never could. And now he really wants his mom to be there for him to talk about his boy troubles.

Which is such a fun reversal from earlier in the season when he was gabbing with his Angel guy about his Mom troubles.

S12E22 -

“Y’know, it won’t long ago I thought we had it made. We saved the world. We got Cas back. We had Mom back. I mean, it wasn’t perfect, but, still, we had ’em. And now.” “Now they’re all gone.”

Ouch. I mean, just ouch. I mean, yeah, Mom stuff’s a bit worrisome, but Castiel is in the wind, not in the ground. You can still get him back.

“Yup. Big. Beautiful. And Dumb.”

Dean describing the weapon… or was he describing himself? Hmmm.

S12E23 -

“Dean.”

I just love how the little Angel only needs to acknowledge Dean. He sees the others, of course. This is his family. But it’s always gonna be Dean.

“We’ll work through our crap. We always do.”

This aches. It reminds me of Season 7 all over again when Cas assured Dean in episode 1 that he would redeem himself, that he would find a way. And then he dies.

This time, Dean says that he and Castiel will get through it because they always do. He knows that he and Cas will find their way back to one another, even if their paths diverge, sometimes. And this is important.

Because that cord between them is so strong now it feels almost impenetrable. That while their lives may take them away from one another at times, they are connected and that bond cannot be broken.

Dean has no idea how easily the right kind of blade can severe a cord completely when wielded in weighty hands. He goes into this situation knowing the odds, but thinking they’ll come out of it, fine.

And after they figure it out, they can talk it out. After they get through this latest horror, they can yell at each other and make amends.

All they need is time.

Oh, Dean, you think you have time. But time is running out, faster than you know.

“I have faith in us. You. Me. Mom. Cas. And Crowley. Sometimes.”

While, yes, the core of this show is the brothers—and it always has been—this is a moment when Dean is recounting those closest to them. And right behind his blood family is Cas.

Dean shouts when the knife pierces Cas and he sees his Angel die. He’s devastated when his Mom disappears into the closing portal with Lucifer. And while Sam has the wherewithal enough to go check on Kelly, Dean can’t tear himself from Castiel’s side.

He drops to his knees next to the body of his closest friend, his best friend, his almost something. And all those words he thought they’d have time to say die on his lips.

Something within him dies with them.

When he lost Cas to the Leviathans, he was shaky. When he lost him to Purgatory, he was devastated. When he watched him die and come back to life when he was human-ish, he nearly stroked out.

But this time, he’s shattered. Dean is shattered. The pieces are strewing everywhere and he can’t pull it back together.

Yes, part of this is his Mom. We’re not going to pretend that doesn’t hurt something awful. But it’s not all her. A lot of it is Cas.

Looking for Part V? It’s here! Thank you for reading!

[soft-pine]

I'm not the one doing ghost notes, but I did want to point out that your methodology is very heavily biased to paint Dean in a favorable light. Ex: saying that Dean threatening to kill Jack is just him "threatening to stop Jack." You also give wildly different actions the same weight. Ex: you put Sam training Jack how to hunt in the same category as Dean threatening to kill Jack. I LOVE Dean, but he's pretty much just straight up abusive towards Jack. imo that makes him a very interesting character with a lot to analyze, but it also objectively makes him a terrible parent.

okay these are the two main criticisms of the "Parenting Jack" tab of my notes doc and I want to take them seriously because I think there's good points here even if I don't totally agree.

so, starting off, I said within that tab that judging "good" or "bad" parenting is subjective and that I'm trying my best and /open to specific feedback/! but i think samfreak has a point that a list of criteria would be good to include in terms of methodology. so i'll be working to update it to include that!

i think anon brings up a good point (and i've seen it in the reblogs as well) that things that have wildly different impacts are weighted the same. unfortunately, doing quick number-based summaries can have that effect which is why i tried to include descriptions of the events so 1. people can make their own decisions and 2. reference specific moments when they talk to me about my notes. i apologize that my somewhat glib addition to the pole seems like im trying to make that the whole story; i'm not!

now to the places where i disagree. i think anon's claim that dean is "abusive" is one of the most frustrating ones that gets thrown around fandom and honestly as a survivor of domestic abuse, it really bums me out. when people make this claim, they often point to episodes 1-5 of season 13 and episode 20 of season 14. Others have gone into far, far more detail than I'm going to right now but I want to be clear that by the time Dean met Jack, Jack had already been responsible for two deaths (and indirectly responsible for another supposed death). These actions seemed conscious and intentional. Dean's previous experience with a being who came into the world as a powerful baby and grew up fast and brainwashed and controlled people (including Dean) was Amara and she was deeply harmful to the world and to Dean personally. I just simply cannot get on board with the idea that Dean was somehow supposed to witness all of jack's actions in 12.19, 12.23, and 13.01 and not be incredibly worried. Go back and watch what Dean says in 12.20 about feeling like Cas was being brainwashed and please tell me how Dean is just supposed to turn those fears off. there is also no argument that will convince me that telling a very, very powerful being that you will be the one to stop them if they start hurting people is abusive.

the refutation i have for 14.20 is much shorter. dean didn't want to kill jack. he didn't want to kill jack because he killed mary. he didn't want to kill jack but god was telling dean jack would end the world. and dean wants to save the world. people flatten it like it was all petty revenge and anger and not like a desperate, desolate last resort (and one he's been willing to with for sam too if it came it it (5.22, 6.11, 9.10)). and if you look at the notes on that pole, you will see the common issue that people also like to forget that sam also wanted to lock jack in the malak box or that cas wanted to lock him in the cage etc etc. that wasn't a situation any of them felt equipped to handle and there was violence in all of their responses.

finally, samfreak brings up character's attitudes in general and not just one of moments. that was actually one of the most interesting parts of doing these notes was realizing just how much sam's relationship with jack is based in training him to hunt. from his initial moments trying to teach jack to use his powers (so they can go save mary and despite jack not wanting to), to telling Jack that doing a good job on the hunt will be what impresses Dean, to having him train with AU Bobby once Lucifer takes his grace, to that haunting line in 15.18 when Sam tells Jack he has to drive cause Sam has work to do and Jack says he's only driven one time. I found it all a little gutting to be honest.

I think people are focusing a lot on the "good" vs "bad" columns (thats my bad on the framing for sure) and not enough on the pushing jack to hunt column. because as soon as dean realizes jack is just a kid (and i've talked beofre about this the moment this shift happens), his whole attitude changes and stays very consistently aimed at treating jack like a kid and not pushing him to hunt.

the dichotomy of those two attitudes is what most informs my opinion of their different parenting of jack.

[destieltaggedfic]

Hi Kat! my new favorite destiel fic is "beyond this illusion" by tiaevans87. Do you know any similar fics? Thank you :)

So, there is a lot going on in that fic, Sam has established a hunter hub, Cas is back and human and of course Dean is trying and failing to not be weird in the wake of Cas' confession. I'm not really sure which one you were particularly after

Dean being weird

Goodnight Kisses – ImYourHoneyBee   Ao3

Set 15x20 didn’t happen AU.  Dean was quick to tell Cas he loved him and wanted to be with him too when they got him back, although he wasn’t comfortable being with a guy, Cas’ compromise was that he wanted a goodnight kiss every night.  It doesn’t take Dean too long to realise that he’s a lot more fine with Cas being dude-shaped than he thought.

Word Count: 9k                                 Graphic Sexual Acts

Sunflower - Maxine (WinchesterPooja)   Ao3

Set S15.  Before they have a chance to take down Chuck, Jack brings Cas back from the empty.  But the empty hadn’t been idle in the short amount of time they had Cas torturing him horribly and taking the memory of his happiest moment when they saw it was giving him comfort.  Now while Sam and Jack are focusing on what they need to do to defeat Chuck, Dean is caring for Cas and coming to terms with what he said before his death.

Word Count: 29k                              No Sex

Dean being weird & Cas is human

tangled limbs – youreabadliar   Ao3

Set 15x20 didn’t happen AU.  Since Cas came back from the empty Dean has been avoiding him.  Sam has had enough so when he books motel a room on the way back from a hunt he books a separate one for Dean and Cas, insisting they talk, which Cas agrees with.

Word Count: 7k                                 No Sex

You Will Greet Yourself Arriving - an_ardent_rain   Ao3

Set 15x20 didn’t happen AU.  Things have been awkward since Cas came back from the empty.  Which is probably why Sam is forcing Dean and Cas to go undercover as a couple in a neighbourhood that is being haunted.  While they are there Dean may actually address what Cas said before he died as well as his drinking problem.

Word Count: 33k                              Graphic Sexual Acts

take the bones, begin anew – JustStandingHere   Ao3

15x20 didn’t happen AU.  Jack brought Cas back from the empty and left Amara to be God, and in the aftermath Cas decides to move out of the bunker, unsure of a new reality where Dean knows about Cas’ feelings.  However when he sees the house that Cas bought needs fixing up, Dean offers to live with him while working on it.  Along the way he deals with this knew knowledge and discovers some feelings of his own.

Word Count: 103k                            Graphic Sexual Acts

Sam sets up a hunter hub

(actually the one above also has a hunter hub)

Haunt Me Through the Night – KissingTinyFlowers   Ao3

Set 15x20 didn’t happen AU.   Grieving and knowing that if he goes hunting he likely won’t come back alive, Dean leaves the bunker and its memories (and Sam) behind, ending up in Sioux Falls, where he learns Bobby left everything he owned to him and Sam.  Giving the collection of cabins to Sam so he can set up a hunter network that Dean wants nothing to do with now that he’s retired, Dean rebuilds Bobby’s house to live in, while he figures out what to do with a life with no Cas in it.  But maybe he won’t have to worry about that.

Word Count: 83k                              Graphic Sexual Acts  

the home we make together – vaudelin   Ao3

Set 15x20 didn’t happen AU.  In the wake of everything, Jack reverted to being a toddler and Dean moved out to raise him, not comfortable with the hunter hub Sam set up in the bunker, especially when he was raising a non-human child.  But finds enough clues to maybe get Cas back and succeeds, but Cas is sharing his body.  Something that is kept a secret from everyone except Jack.

Word Count: 48k                              Graphic Sexual Acts

[tothewheel]

20 questions for fic writers

thanks for the tag @kvothes :D answers under the cut

1. how many works do you have on ao3? 22!

2. what's your total ao3 word count? 95,931

3. what fandoms do you write for? supernatural. i have one rdr2 fic published and i privately write greys anatomy fic sometimes

4. top five fics by kudos: DSM-V, dawn breaks overhead, a confession; a misunderstanding, i hate you for what you did and i miss you like a little kid, he stares at the stars; they stare back. i find this so interesting because half of these are some of my least favorites lol

5. do you respond to comments? usually! sometimes i forget or don't have the time/energy, but every comment means a lot to me and i try to make it known

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? i usually write fics with happy endings because it makes me happy lol. a lot of my endings are melancholy at best though. my claire study, i'm sorry i'm the one you love is definitely my saddest. needless to say i was going through it at the time of writing. also my entire divorce series which i totally forgot about even writing

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? my first thought was divine intervention and it definitely is happy as a stand-alone fic, but with the context of timshel it's pretty bittersweet. so maybe timshel is the happiest ending? DSM-V is a pretty happy ending too. augh! hard to say

8. do you get hate on fics? i haven't gotten any so far!

9. do you write smut? sometimes, but i feel like it always comes out very awkward and wrong. writing lesbians has helped me fix that lol

10. craziest crossover? my abandoned grey's anatomy/supernatural au is sitting in my dusty google docs

11. have you ever had your fic stolen? not that i know of!

12. have you ever had a fic translated? nope!

13. have you ever co-written a fic before? no, but i think i'd be open to it depending on the idea and the author

14. all-time favorite ship? oh you know.

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? my robot cas/engineer dean fic... abandoned in my docs

16. what are your writing strengths? i'd say dialogue! i think i'm pretty good at getting in a character's head, and i've been told i write good dean dialogue :)

17. what are your writing weaknesses? actions i'd say. not just fighting scenes but just... what a character is doing. i think i also write too fast-paced which i'd like to get better at

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language? i'm conversational in french but 1) don't write french characters and 2) find translating to be very clumsy. i sometimes translate small phrases into enochian when i write cas, but that too is always frustrating given it's not a real language. in general i often find other languages to be jarring in dialogue. i don't know how to describe it other than it just feeling very forced.

19. favorite fic you've written? can i do top three? i'm doing top three. in no particular order

dead woman, enter stage left: this is one of my favorites plot-wise and just as a character study. though i enjoyed writing it and the ideas i had for it, i feel like i didn't portray everything the way i wanted to and could've done a better job. but i love this one! jo! and my own made-up amara lore!

DSM-V: another big struggle. fun fact i'm currently rewriting it completely. this is another fic where i had a lot of ideas but didn't give myself enough time to completely realize them, and it comes off very rushed and unnuanced. i also hate the way i handled dean's thoughts in the narrative. NO MORE RELYING ON ITALICS! it introduced me to some amazing mutuals and is my major hit, and i love it! it started as a crack fic and no, i still haven't told my therapist about it. amy if you're reading this i promise i don't have secret feelings for you i just thought this was a really funny idea and had just binge-watched fleabag

devotion: nothing much to say it's just hot and emotional and i love the way it came out

20. tagging: @dogearedheart @mythopoetry + anyone else who wants to do this!!! mutuals rise up i love you!

[shallowseeker]

i know it’s used loosely as a joke (which is admittedly just as hilarious and every bit as whimsical as the character A-never-did-anything-wrong phrase)

but real talk for a sec:

caring about a person’s family and then caring about things/people they care about through virtue of knowing and being with them in a supportive unit is a lot how empathy works

i think cas’s 15c18 testament gets taken a bit too literally sometimes, as least for my tastes, and it can come off a little weird imho to use it to diminish the idea of cas caring about other things

and again, maybe this is just my taste, but i view the whole caring thread as more like… a domino effect rather than “the first thing is the de facto realest/deepest/truest thing through which everything else pales in comparison to or must connect back to” (which could… almost read as an amara-coded mentality: “then you went and made all those other things”)

living and growing up in the world is just like this: once you allow yourself to grow and care about things, your world keeps getting bigger and bigger ykwim? (that’s what the whole amara and “our little world” thread echoes for me)

and importantly!!!!

cas cares about things quite naturally on his own… that’s why torture and brainwashing happens to him so early and often… even other angels remark that cas’s heart was always too big

and like dean, i think cas tends… NOT to give himself enough credit for his own caring and emotions… cas grew up under an authoritarian regime that punished him for caring on his own merit, so it’s no surprise he seems much more comfy coat-hangering those “softer” things on humanity or individual humans

but like… consider this.

it’s clear onscreen that even as a full-powered angel, cas REALLY feels guilt, worry, and regret!!! in those early seasons, it’s very obvious! he has values that he wants to act on! he has doubts/regrets/feelings the point other angels point it out!!!

but cas himself later frames his so-called newfound empathy primarily through his human experience; he invokes being hungry and dying it as THE gateway to his overcoming an ends-justify-the-means soldier mentality

when that’s… just categorically NOT what we see onscreen! onscreen, cas had to be tortured OUT of caring. cas had to me memory wiped over and over. like dean, he can’t help but care!!!! i think maybe it’s cas’s romanticization of his own emotions at work here, retroactively tying them to humanity…

and while i do think falling/losing his grace helped cas parse his own emotions, to say being human and dying is “why he can feel guilt now”??? nooooo. hell no. (aside/// cas you are lying to yourself and putting human emotions on a pedestal again… which he will do off and on until s14-15 when he starts verbalizing “humans can be the worst kind of monster.”)

anyway my point is!!!!

i think cas sometimes gives other things or ppl credit when it comes to his own emotions or intuition.

dean tends to undercut himself in this same manner, like when he tells jody that sam is the one who’s good with emotions/talking… when that, again, is not what we see onscreen

anyway

the beauty in TFW to me is the resilience and joint effort to continue to try and support that caring heart… through the good, bad, ugly etc

it requires bravery to care! especially in heaven. you can be killed for caring about the wrong thing.

and once you care, you can lose things. you can get disappointed (and intolerance of disappointment is the chuck-coded mentality)

but caring in my head is a bit akin to the whole acting on free will is a group effort angle…

my broader point that i think i’m losing is that consider that… contagious caring does not diminish the later things you come to care openly about. these things that come after come more easily because of having a safe space to express your natural heart as it wants to be expressed…

EDIT: now if only we could conquer the final frontier…

getting the hero/soldier to care not just about loved ones and the world… but himself

he is not expendable!!!!!

[eisforeidolon]

(This is gonna sound random because I was reading old posts, sorry!)

What makes me bitter about Season 12 is that they had the perfect opportunity for a reset and even seemed to set it up several times, so I actually dared to hope they might go that route, but they didn't.

The MoL after the Amara storyline seemed like a way to make it smaller again when they could not possibly go bigger, but still present a new challenge because Sam and Dean are experts on fighting MONSTERS, but what do they do when the villains are human? They could have blown up the Bunker when they were trapped inside, eliminating that stagnation. Mary could have sacrificed herself after her redemption during the raid. Cas could have stayed dead with Crowley. Lucifer could have been locked away for good. The Jack storyline should never have happened. They even got the Colt back! It could have been two brothers on the road with their magic gun again, instead of *gestures disgustedly at everything*

No need to apologize, anon! I'm generally up for discussion, even from old posts.

Yes, exactly, it was just so frustrating! There were a couple of things they did around season 11-12 where it felt like they actually sat down and realized the show was stagnating and came up with a few things that might have actually worked to fix that ... and then it felt like they basically just sloppily threw it all away.

When they introduced Billie and The Empty, it could have reintroduced real stakes in terms of physical peril. Sure, nobody with any sense believed Sam or Dean would die permanently before the end of the show. But at a point when heaven/hell/purgatory basically had a revolving door for the Winchesters? It brought back the idea getting resurrected might actually be hard/complicated and shouldn't just be taken for granted. Except instead of actually utilizing that, they threw it away on one of the most pointless Castiel deaths & resurrections in the entire series (which is really saying something) to show just how overpowered their latest absurdly overpowered character was. Can't exactly take it serious as a threat when the first time they bring somebody back from the place "no one comes back from" it was barely even on purpose.

Resurrecting Mary could have helped to re-center the show in terms of emotional stakes. At that point, Sam and Dean had been subjected to so much trauma that the writers just brushed under the rug when it wasn't convenient to deal with that it didn't even feel important. Of course the show wasn't going to deal with it 100% realistically, but when it starts to feel like the characters don't even get to care, why should we? But they could have reexamined all kinds of things from the way they grew up to the latest disaster through Mary's new and concerned eyes. Except the Mary they brought back could barely be bothered to give a single solitary fuck about her sons at all, because she was too busy being an embarrassing caricature of a Strong Female Character who is actually just an asshole with informed awesome abilities.

Introducing the BMoL could have helped stop the problem of ever-escalating enemies and bogging down in heaven/hell bureaucracy bullshit. Where do you go after you have your protagonists fight God's Sister? Well, if you don't want to make up yet more random deities or have them fight God himself (sigh), you find a different kind of challenge to give them, a new angle they have to work they aren't already experts at. The BMoL were human, so Dean and Sam should have needed to find new ways to deal with them. They couldn't just straight up murder humans, right? They should have needed to actually learn how to be subtle, maneuver, compromise, organize, do something they had reason to be challenged by. Something that wasn't just searching fruitlessly for the next McGuffin until the script said it was time to find it and win. Except the BMoL were absurdly competent and incompetent in turns and then just cartoonishly evil for reasons, until in the end? The Winchesters just got together a group of hunters and murdered them all as if they were literal monsters. So we could go back to yet more heaven/hell bullshit that they also half-assed on all fronts.

So, so much of the Dabbernatural seasons felt to me like the writers over and over choosing the laziest and least interesting paths.

[canonrpfinder]

Hi everyone!! Amelia here again with her usual Supernatural plea for partners … 👻👻 . I had a few issues getting on here for a bit but I am back and looking still. I’m 25+, UK based and active every day on Discord. I would like my partner in crime to be friendly, over 21 and active. Someone who is going to input in the plot had not ghost. Anyway, I’ll get into what I want!!

FANDOM: Supernatural

MY MUSES: Meg Masters, Bela Talbot, Amara, Rowena Macleod, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Mary Winchester, Charlie Bradbury (Crowley and Lucifer are tester muses for me too)

MOST WANTED OPPOSITES: Castiel ( most wanted opposite for MEGSTIEL pairing but open for Cas x any of my muses), Dean Winchester, Lucifer, Crowley, Gabriel, Jack Kline or Sam Winchester

DOUBLE UP?: It is possible for another canon x canon pairing.

Give this a like and I will reach out! Thank you ❤️

✒️

[roleplayfinder]

Hi everyone!! Amelia here again with her usual Supernatural plea for partners … 👻👻 . I had a few issues getting on here for a bit but I am back and looking still. I’m 25+, UK based and active every day on Discord. I would like my partner in crime to be friendly, over 21 and active. Someone who is going to input in the plot had not ghost. Anyway, I’ll get into what I want!!

FANDOM: Supernatural

MY MUSES: Meg Masters, Bela Talbot, Amara, Rowena Macleod, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Mary Winchester, Charlie Bradbury (Crowley and Lucifer are tester muses for me too)

MOST WANTED OPPOSITES: Castiel ( most wanted opposite for MEGSTIEL pairing but open for Cas x any of my muses), Dean Winchester, Lucifer, Crowley, Gabriel, Jack Kline or Sam Winchester

DOUBLE UP?: No, not looking to do this right now as it has been a little problematic.

I am only looking for the above mentioned, no original characters. i am happy to do multiple storylines but only canon x canon characters.

Give this a like and I will reach out! Thank you ❤️

.

[marvelfanfn2187a113]

Maybe Gabe and Rowena's daughter would be a little scared to be alone

Rowena and Gabe always told her that if people knew she was a Nephilim they would try to use her and kill her. Something like rapunzel hahaha

So I feel that if Rowena's daughter separated from her mother and joined the Winchesters when Rowena was being evil, Gabriel's daughter would instinctively look for someone to help her and give her meaning.

She shows up at the bunker while Cas, Dean and Sam are there.

Gabe's daughter: You idiots, I left my mother. What now?

Dean: What?

Gabe's daughter: *Ignores him* Sam, you had a bad father and then you ran away from him. What was the first thing you did?

But I think the point where she would seek to be more independent would be when Cas tells her "After Amara, you are probably one of the most powerful beings in creation. I don't think you need anyone to take care of you."

Rowena's next manipulation to get her back would be the opposite, now her tactic would be "If you are not here, I am unprotected and I can die. Do you want your mother to die?"

Honestly I can almost see her getting more scared with Cas telling her that she doesn’t need anyone—Rowena had sort of built up this image of her daughter needing Rowena around to keep away the people who would try to use her, so with Cas telling her she doesn’t need anyone, I think she would just become scared to be alone.

Dean would be the one to sit her down and say—

“Just because you don’t need anyone to protect you, doesn’t mean you don’t need anyone. People need people, kid. But the thing about not needing protection—that means that you get to choose who you have in your life. Everyone needs friends—needs family—but you decide who that is. You decide who earns that.”

And the kid would just look up at him and—kind of scared—be like—

“I want you guys to be my family. You, and Sam, and Cas. You’ve never tried to make me do anything with my powers that I didn’t want to do.”

And Dean would grin at her—

“Kid, we’ll be your family any time. You can stay in the bunker for as long as you want to.”

But eventually Rowena would go to find her and she would pull the whole “I need you” thing. she would probably go with a “Being around you made me a target” guilt trip thing, too.

and Sam would get in front of Rowena’s daughter and he’d be like—

“You protected yourself for hundreds of years without her. I think you’ll be just fine.”

Meanwhile Cas bends down to talk to the kid—

“She’ll be just fine without your protection. It’s your choice whether you want to go with her, or stay with us. Nobody is going to make you do anything you don’t want to.

[dirigibleplumbing]

So, for Destiel, Dean not really dating or even hooking up that often in the later seasons works well for the whole “he's both pining for but also emotional fulfilled by Cas so he doesn’t feel the need”, but like, why do you think they actually just stopped even trying to give Dean a real love interest? The closest they came was kinda Amara? Was it the writers wanting to show Dean's too old for hook ups to “damaged” for romance post Lisa? Jensen didn’t wanna do so many hook up/kissing scenes? They only have so much character time and actor budget they'd rather have Jensen interact with Misha and the other regulars?

(Sam and Cas not sharing storylines makes sense due to how long those scenes would take thanks to Jared fucking with Misha and that time and character is better spent with putting Misha with Jensen or Alex lol)

Sam still had a few love interests (Eileen of course, could make the case for Rowena), tho maybe less after the backlash over the season 8 love storyline? I know the writers were of course aware of Destiel (duh) but I'm not so in deep that the popularity of the pairing vs the General Audience (GA)'s tastes would mean they only catered to the fannish side with Dean's storylines. I think Lisa was liked well enough vs how bad Amelia was disliked so I don’t think Dean not having a love interest was due to a backlash from the GA…perhaps just the taste of the new show runners? That the official romances in the show aren’t really loved by the GA so why bother? But it would give an excuse for letting at least one of the two leads have a break by having scenes apart during the romance plot line, but again perhaps they’d rather use the showtime and actor budget to have both leads take a break with adding more Jack and Cas stories.

(Metatextually it’s amusing to think of Chuck trying to get his Ladykiller main character to go bed some babes and fall for someone before Dean’s tragically killed off, only for Dean to pine and mourn for his dead angel BFF so Chuck kept bringing him back so Dean would stop being sad to get back to smooching ladies, only for Dean to accidentally fall into an almost asexual romance with said BFF and he slips into this frozen state of not getting any nor looking for any cause this is almost enough*. And now Chuck can’t get rid of the BFF or else his main character just stops functioning and it’s BORING)

You could also argue the addition of Mary and Jack is kinda a “love story” for Dean, tho for familial love rather then romantic, that Dean's emotion arcs were taken up by a “Mother and Son” and a “Son becoming his Father to his Son” storyline rather then a romance or rehashing more brother drama and poor Charlie got the “bonding then fridging” storyline with Dean as a platonic relationship rather then the usual romantic on on this show.

(And we can also totally see Cas, Crowley, and Benny fulfill the quasi romantic tropes in canon with Dean but again in the GA eyes it was platonic emotional arcs rather then romantic ones)**

*I can see Dean and Cas being in basically an unofficial Queer Platonic relationship pre-confession in canon, just 2 confirmed bachelors etc etc. Or even post confessions they could wiggle out of it by No-Homoing it as “oh yeah Cas loves Dean but doesn’t want sex and Dean's cool with it besties for life also you will never see him kiss or try and hook up with any women ever again ❤️ (except once because the network made us to truly no Homo Dean)” if they had to make a season 16 and the network is like no Dean can’t kiss the angel lol. (Apparently the network even said no the giving Cas a non Dean boyfriend storyline so they would totally stamp on any official reciprocation from Dean)

** how would you trope-ify and sort Benny, Crowley, and Cas as “standard” romantic interests? Benny=the love interest ur family doesn’t approve of for historical reason but they are drawn together anyway only to depart tragically? Kinda a Juliet-ish without Romeo dying? Boy from the rival school/visiting from out of state you have summer fling with and part knowing you’re lives are going in different directions? Crowley is the reformed Bad Boy, the rival to the central Love Interest that changes for the protagonist but doesn’t “get the girl (gender neutral)”/Redemption=Death? And Cas?

Cas is… oh boy. Uneasy Allies -> Allies -> Enemies -> Comrades -> War Buddies -> Fire Forged Friends -> Estranged Friends -> Betrayer -> Enemies -> Lost Love -> Uneasy Allies -> re- Fire Forged Friends -> Lost Love (again) -> Besties/Found Family -> Brainwashed Ally ->… Maybe as a “Long running show's long term Love Interest that can be concluded until the finale due to a fear of “Moonlighting” so there are increasingly convoluted reasons they can’t be together yet” lol

I have never once watched Supernatural as it aired, and wasn't active in fandom until November 2020, so I'm not really up to date on what's been stated or not stated by the writers, showrunners, directors, etc., nor what the common fantheories are about their motivations or intentions. 

I've read some general meta on the subject and people talking about particular writers and how they viewed various aspects on the show, but I mostly can't keep the writers' names straight in my head.

All to say: my takes are based mostly on vibes and notions I have about how writing and TV production works. 

The longer the show went on, the more it departed from the original monster of the week format. To the extent there were still cases, the week-to-week ones increasingly tended to be in service to a bigger mytharc, and less time was devoted to them onscreen. 

There are certain scenarios we'd seen so many times at that point--Sam interviews a MILF; Dean wears a costume; research happens; the monster is misidentified at first; they talk their way into the morgue/station/records room/security room; we meet a red herring for the killer/monster; etc.--that they could be abbreviated or skipped entirely in favor of recurring characters, characters who directly echo one or more of the main characters and their current acts, and the latest angst about the current mytharc. 

I think at a certain point, "Dean hooks up with a hottie" was, to an extent, likewise considered superfluous. 

Some of The Powers That Be undoubtedly noticed that Cas could fulfill the dialogue roles Dean's hookups used to. Plus, absolutely, everything you're saying about Mary and Jack--non-romantic partnerships, not just his “friendship” with Cas, often replaced that kind of narrative. 

Other TPTB figured viewers would assume that the hookups were still happening, only offscreen. And in classic spn fashion, I think TPTB hoped that by not mentioning the hookups as happening or not happening, they could have it both ways: shippers get to say Dean's not hooking up; anti-shippers get to say there's no evidence Dean's not not hooking up.

As for the metatextual aspect--yeah, that's pretty much how I see it, lol.

[pocketsized-prophet]

This is why I've been saying that the characters all ended up in their own personal versions of hell. Dean is the obvious one and the one that hurts me personally the most. But literally every member of tfw 2.0 was subjected to it.

Sam, who fully embraced the supernatural life, after years of running from it, just resorted back to running away. He was a leader, he was a witch! He literally likened john to lucifer in 15x17 but was then totally fine surrounding himself with photos of him up until he died?

As you said with Jack. He wanted to be a part of the family. He wanted to be accepted. He wanted to be a kid. But he not only had responsibility forced on his shoulders, he straight up abandoned his family to seemingly never see them again. The boy who looked Michael in the face whilst destroying him and screaming that he was a Winchester? Just... poof. (And whilst we touch on jack: amara!! She was just subsumed by chuck and then... also by jack? She was content to let this child also subsume her like her brother had? After said brother had manipulated her?? She was once again imprisoned, only this time it's inside the body of a child, forced to watch the world you've grown to love from behind a pane of glass??????)

And cas too. God. Cas who fought so hard to be free of heaven's control over it. Who found faith in being a father. Who found love in a broken human. That cas. Was supposedly saved by jack offscreen (he never felt like he was important enough to the winchesters. Always felt like a burden unless he was useful and he was no longer useful!) and returned to heaven. Dean doesn't even say his damn name!!! Supposedly sat around in heaven and allowed the man he loved and who he had died to save multiple times, just... die on a hunt. Didn't try and intervene? Didn't say screw Jack's "hands off" rules and go and heal dean to stop him from dying?????? THAT CAS???

And I've covered dean. Forced to die with just his brother there, scared and trying to be brave. Dying in the way he always feared/assumed he would. Forced into "paradise" after a whole lifetime of fighting for freedom (literally end of s5, cas to dean, peace or freedom? And dean stopped the apocalypse to choose freedom) with no huge party there to greet him. No lover to embrace him. Just his dad down the street, a silent shack of a car behind him, and a shiny toy to try and distract him (the impala).

Not to mention the endings this implies for literally every other side character.

Theyre in a hell of their own, designed by chuck as punishment for daring stand against him. Let them think they've won and then put them in their own boxes on a shelf out of his way.

It's so dark and bleak wrapped up in a shiny bow and we're told we should be happy but it's awful. Hands down the worst tv show finale of all time. Give me King Bran the Broken over whatever the hell Supernatural gave us any day of the week.

o k no but like it sucks because the good things that came out of all of it doesnt matter at the end.

Dean and sam finally have smth resembling a healthy relationship? Doesnt matter deans dead. For good.

Sam embraces the supernatural part of his life and has a stable beautiful romantic relationship? He gets married to some random woman who we dont see and leaves the life?

Cas is part of the Family and generally falls in love with dean AND ALSO THE WORLD??? is happy LIKE YK HAPPY HAPPY FOR MORE THAN TO BE DEAD? Nope. hes rescued off screen by jack and is in heaven. The thing he ran away from since like. Season four.

Jack is accepted as Winchester and gets to be a kid? Nope hes god now!

Against all odds, the winchesters find something worth fighting for for themselves? They find a group of allies, friends, family, people they care about?

Nuh uh. They dont matter. Ok will toss bobby a stick but he cant even be bothered to GET OUT OF THE DAMN CHAIR THE WHOLE TIME??

Yes, Yes I know, covid restrictions, i get it. But also just fucking sucks. The ending literally says hey look at all the good things they did? Look at everything they achieved and fought for and come to accept? FUCK THAT YALL

In Conclusion, it’s always been a horror story. And it ended that way. And that fucking suckksss

I guess a lot of people think theyre gonna get out of the life and have a apple pie life but a lot of the story for me at least is about not them escaping the life but like, realizing their life is about The Life ™, and making it theirs?

Like this isn’t about their dad’s crusade anymore.

I want them to live in their bunker together ok… i want my little found family to happy together, I want Sam to be a witch, like is that not the msot natural conclusion to his arc ever? Sobbing crying throwing up??

HES A BLOOD fREAK OK LET HIM BE MAGIC HES THE BOYKING OF HELL LET HIM BE THE QUEEN OF HELLS APRENTAICE anyway im gonna die

Let dean help peopleeee let him throw parties and barbeques. Let him help hunters…. Let him take after his real dad ok….. Let him cook for people……

Let Cas just be happy. Let him live yall, let him show his human. Give him a pair of dr martins boots, a garden and a beehive. LET HIM HAVE BEES. I BEG OF YOU I WANT HIM TO InSIST EVERY HUNTER WHO VISITS TAKES A JAR OF HONEY WITH THEM.

Let jack grow up, man, let him watch star wars and do community service, and be a nerd let him be friends with the other wayward children of the winchesters.

LET THEM MOURN. Let them hang photos of bobby and charlie and ellen and jo.

Your fanbase is like 90% gay. Have it end with found family and homosexual declarations of love. Dont tell us that at the end of everything, you either die, or learn to live like everyone else okay. Thats so fucking tragic.