#look imagination is a fun and great thing and also both of our coping mechanisms ajsdkjahsdkjahsd

[territorial-utopia]

It's mine and @theshiftingworkshop's 6th anniversary! We have some fun plans for later tonight (that includes a dinner and a show-) but also before we go do that I wanted to draw a sweet little thing to celebrate one of the more out there aspects of our relationship ⁽ᴱˢᵖᵉᶜᶦᵃˡˡʸ ʷᶦᵗʰ ʰᵒʷ ᵐᵘᶜʰ ʷᵉ ᵖᵘᵗ ʰᶦᵐ ᵗʰʳᵒᵘᵍʰ ᵗʰᵉ ʷʳᶦⁿᵍᵉʳ ᵃᵗ ᵃˡˡ ᵗᶦᵐᵉˢ⁾

Anyway time to go be with my lovely partner and giggle about all the SD coded things we come across tonight

[violetwolfraven]

Willie Headcanons

So I actually came up with this like a month ago and forgot to post it. Anyway enjoy my headcanons about our favorite sk8er boi. Be ready for feels.

Tw: death, car accident mention, emotional manipulation.

...

In my mind, Willie had a good relationship with his parents. They were supportive and everything. They both loved Willie very much.

And Willie has youngest child energy so I’m saying he has a sister who’s 2 years older and a brother who’s 5 years older. Their names are Delilah and Austin.

AND ALL THREE OF THEM ARE ADRENALINE JUNKIES.

Seriously imagine the worst possible combination of head empty only skateboarding and you’ve got Willie, Delilah, and Austin.

Austin started skating when he was 7 and got Delilah hooked on it a year later.

Their parents kinda didn’t like the idea of it but those two had already started teaching Willie basic stuff by the time he was 3.

But... the other two had other interests. Delilah was into art (painting) and Austin played piano (like, really well).

For Willie, skateboarding was his thing. And it always was.

He had fun with it when his big brother would put his hands on his and teach him to play a bit, or his sister would give him some paint and a spare canvas and they’d doodle together, but it wasn’t like skating.

As far as I’ve seen (which admittedly isn’t that far) it’s widely accepted that Willie has ADHD so I’m leaning into that here.

And Willie inherited his brain from his dad, who had a bad experience with meds and so wouldn’t let any of his kids go through it.

So Willie grew up unmedicated but probably better off for the time period. His dad taught him coping mechanisms. Him and Austin. Delilah didn’t inherit it but she was taught to empathize with her brothers and recognize when they needed her help with something.

She’s a badass who can and does beat up anybody who’s mean to her brothers for missing social cues.

But anyway while Austin had piano (and skating as a side thing) Willie got even more hooked on skateboarding than either of his siblings because his brain latched onto it from a young age and couldn’t let go.

We all have our outlets. The chaos in our brains has to go somewhere. For Willie it goes into skating.

When he’s young he and his siblings will skateboard to school and then after school they’ll skate all around Hollywood for hours.

They do their homework in random McDonalds and Denny’s and tbh become local cryptid customers. Like they’re just these 3 super friendly skater siblings who tip really well and visit every fast food place within a 20 mile radius of their house with varying frequency.

They also find e v e r y skatepark, empty pool, and vacant lot in that 20 mile radius that they can possibly find.

Their parents have to bail them out of jail for trespassing and the occasional vandalism every so often.

Sometimes one of them has stuff to do and it’s just two of them out skating but if two of them are busy the other one never goes out alone cause it’s dangerous. We’ll get back to that later.

So anyway when they’re 17, 14, and 12, Delilah comes out as a lesbian.

And the family is supportive of course because they’re a good family.

But her coming out gets Willie thinking. About how some of his friends have crushes on girls but he just... doesn’t see the appeal.

Like he has a couple friends who are girls and they’re great and he likes hanging out with them at recess but he doesn’t get the hype. They’re just more friends. So he doesn’t really see what his big sister is so interested in either.

In my mind Willie actually is from around the same time as the boys (dying in like 1999) so one day while nobody else in their house is home he and Delilah are watching Star Wars: Return of the Jedi and Willie’s again wondering why people think Leia is so hot cause she’s cool and all but Luke is right there and he looks really good and—

Willie: I think I might be gay.

Delilah: Yeah I know.

They talk about it and Willie does decide to tell the rest of the family but he’s a bit wary about anyone else because he saw how some of Delilah’s friends turned on her after she came out. He doesn’t want that to happen to him.

He does end up telling a few of his friends but he doesn’t quite not care what people think of him the way his big sister does.

Austin is the only straight one and he’s like. So awkward about it but in a sweet way.

Austin: So, Britney Spears is hot, right?

Delilah: Stop.

And

Austin: So I saw you hanging around Chris the other day are you two..?

Willie: ...no...???

Austin: Cool, yeah I didn’t think so. Just had to make sure. Not that I’m doubting your ability to get boys but I’d have to shovel talk him if you were.

Willie: If I ever do get a boyfriend, please don’t.

He tries. He’s a himbo if that wasn’t clear. Where did you think Willie learned it?

So anyway fast forward a couple years and they’re 22, 19, and 17. Austin and Delilah are both in college and Willie’s the last one left at home and things between their parents start getting... tense.

Like they don’t fight exactly but they’ve fallen out of love and things are awkward.

Even Austin and Delilah can tell and they’re only home on breaks and some weekends but for Willie it’s right there and he’s watching it happen. He has no option but to see.

They used to have a rule that they don’t go skating alone because it’s dangerous but Willie just can’t make himself stay home so he goes out skateboarding.

At first it’s never too far from home or anywhere where there’s too much traffic but as things get increasingly awkward at home he goes out farther and farther, chasing the adrenaline high he used to get from going anywhere and everywhere every day after school with his siblings.

Then his parents officially tell him they’re getting divorced and

And it’s not like he couldn’t see it coming, but... it still hurts.

And neither of his siblings are coming home any time soon so

So he goes out skating on his own, way too far from home. He keeps going until he doesn’t even know where he is anymore.

He isn’t really paying attention the way he should but that’s not why he runs into trouble.

The driver of that red pickup is drunk and he rounds the corner out of nowhere.

If Delilah or Austin had been there they could have yelled for Willie to jump out of the way, or maybe up on the hood so the impact wouldn’t be as bad, but he’s alone.

So he gets hit, and the car was going fast enough that he’s dead before he even hits the pavement.

After that there’s a lot of confusion but once Willie figures out he’s a ghost... it’s too painful to think about going home, so he just... doesn’t.

He doesn’t want to see his family mourning him, so he just distracts himself, skating everywhere he couldn’t before without getting busted.

Plus some old routes where he used to go with Delilah and Austin, just for something that’s familiar but not too familiar.

He’s on one of those more familiar routes a few weeks after his death when he’s skating down Sunset Boulevard one night, singing along to Toxic by Britney Spears blasting from a nearby club and a man dressed in a purple suit comments on how he’s got a good voice.

Honestly Willie is just so relieved to have someone to talk to that he forgets about stranger danger completely.

Plus he recognizes an Elder Gay in Caleb and assumes he can trust him because the Elder Gays he met at pride that one time he went with Delilah were so nice and understanding of how reassuring it was to see queer people of older generations who got a happy ending.

Caleb barely even has to try. He just lets this 17-year-old obviously-queer ghost rant at him for a few minutes, asks a few questions and finds out that he also can play piano, and convinces him to come to the Hollywood Ghost Club the next night.

From there it’s not like Willie has anyone to save him so of course he has to join the club.

At first he’s completely alone because the other performers scare him almost as much as Caleb does.

Then slowly, he sees how they give him space because they know he’s scared of them. How they turn a blind eye when he leaves the club without permission. How they don’t critique his mistakes with the same sarcasm they show each other.

Willie starts to realize that the other performers are doing their best to look out for him, and he starts being less afraid.

They’re all too concerned with their own survival to really protect him but if they draw some attention to themselves occasionally so Caleb doesn’t notice Willie being slow to pick up some tricky choreography, that’s not too risky.

The others are all like 21 at the youngest and they really don’t appreciate Caleb tricking a literal child into working for him no matter how talented said child is. (Cause Willie is good at singing and piano. It’s just not his passion.)

The twins are 22 but they died in 1925 and before that they were performing to support a younger brother who they never got to say goodbye to so maybe they see Willie as a kind of second chance.

Lyssa (what I decided to name drummer woman because I don’t know her real name if she has one) is 25 and she died in 1984. She had a daughter who’d be about Willie’s age now and... who knows? Maybe they were friends.

Fuego is 24 and from 1951 and he had a childhood best friend who enlisted and died in WWII that he thought he might get to see when he died but that boy moved on and so... well, Willie’s just a little younger than his friend was the last time he saw him.

In short Willie becomes everyone’s baby brother and they do what they can to look out for him even if they’re just as scared of Caleb as he is.

And the better adjusted Willie gets to (after)life at the HGC and the better they get to know him, the guiltier the others start to feel about him being stuck there.

Eventually a combination of guilt and worked-up courage leads Fuego tells him about the whole unfinished business thing, in hopes maybe he can figure his out and get away from Caleb.

It doesn’t take Willie long to think of his family, how hopeless he felt about the divorce, how worried he was it would change everything and then how scared he was to see his family in pain because of his death.

He realizes his unfinished business is probably seeing them. Letting himself say goodbye.

He almost gets away with it.

Caleb catches up and stops him in the driveway of his house and poofs them back to the HGC.

He convinces (gaslights) Willie into believing that saying goodbye was never his unfinished business and even if it was it’s not like it would matter because Caleb wouldn’t let him do it.

The next morning he ships the HGC out to Tokyo. They stay on the move for a long time and when they are in town, Willie is basically locked in his room.

The next time he’s allowed out in Hollywood, his parents don’t live in their old house anymore and he has no way to find them.

As a coping mechanism, he just starts making the best of a bad situation. Becoming better friends with the other ghosts. Helping soften the blow whenever someone new comes along.

None of that means he stops checking the faces of passing skaters or keeping eyes on restaurants his folks used to like, but it does mean he more or less gives up hope.

That’s what he’s doing when he bumps into Alex.

Look, Willie loves his friends at the HGC. He really does. But there’s a big difference between 17 and 20-something. Like the others will drink alcohol some nights and technically Willie was born over 21 years ago but he still feels weird enough about it that he doesn’t drink.

He hasn’t talked to anyone his age in a long time so Alex is a breath of fresh air.

Also he’s like. Really cute. And sweet. And funny. And shit, Willie’s fallen for him before he even has time to think about it.

He keeps thinking about how Alex doesn’t seem like he’d be physically capable of hurting someone on purpose so Austin would approve and every once in a while there’s that sarcasm that pops out which means he’d get along great with Delilah.

In general Alex is the kind of guy he would’ve loved to take home to meet the family. Them not included, he’s kind of... everything Willie’s missed about Hollywood in the form of one person.

Then they hang out more and Alex is still everything he’s missed but he’s also so much more than that and...

It almost feels like a part of Alex is still alive. And for the first time in years, a part of Willie feels alive, too.

They’ve known each other for like a week tops and Willie is already in love.

Not that he’s admitting that to anyone, because he’s learned the hard way that anyone you care about can be used against you.

Still... when Alex asks for help getting revenge on Bobby, he can’t bring himself to say no because he needs to keep Alex in his (after)life and the only way he knows how to do that (or to make people be nice to him in general) is to be as useful as possible.

That turns out to be a big mistake, because Caleb sees right through him in an instant, targets Alex to confirm it, then immediately starts the process to trick the boys into committing to eternity at the HGC.

Willie feels like an idiot for thinking he could actually get away with it. Doing something good for someone he cares about.

He hadn’t thought Caleb would be interested in them because he’d never actually heard them play. The assumption was that he’d make them do some small favor and then let them talk to their bandmate for 5 minutes. A clean deal where they never have to commit to anything. Willie forgot to take magic into account.

He almost manages to convince himself it was all a bad dream, but when he seeks out Alex and his friends to check on them, he can almost feel the jolts himself, and seeing Alexthem in pain feels terrible.

Willie knows that theoretically they could figure out their unfinished business and cross over, but that all depends on finding it and doing it fast enough and if they failed...

People you care about can be used against you. And Willie does not want to be used against Alex again. He doesn’t want to see Alex used against him.

So he keeps his distance, in hopes Caleb will think he lost interest. He’s pretty sure once the boys find out about the stamp they’ll hate him, anyway.

And plus, as he’s been taught by his friends at the HGC, you have to look out for yourself because no one else will do it for you. Maybe you hurt somebody by not standing up for them, but you can apologize later and hope they forgive you. You can’t apologize if you’re gone, and it’s not like it would make a difference anyway because Caleb is too powerful for anyone to beat.

The thought of how spending eternity with Alex might not be so bad even if it has to be at the HGC does come up, but ironically that’s what makes Willie decide to screw his courage to the sticking point and tell them.

Because he has seen what decades at the club has done to his friends.

They’re all great performers, and they perform happiness well even to each other, but Willie knows them enough to know how tired they all are. How they have been doing the same thing over and over again for decades and they are sick of it.

They’re young, talented tragedies lost to drug overdoses, or AIDS, or accidents, or suicide, and they should’ve gotten to rest after everything they went through in their lives. Instead, they got a curse disguised as a blessing. They got to stay on a stage, got to keep performing and soaking up applause, never got to stop.

Willie has been there a shorter time than most of them and he feels it. The exhaustion, because ghosts are supposed to haunt for a few years then figure out their unfinished business and move on. They’re not meant to be trapped for decades, used as party tricks.

A part of Alex still feels alive and being trapped in the Hollywood Ghost Club for years on end would kill that part of him.

Willie can’t let that happen, so as hard as it is...

He tells the boys what’s wrong with them. And by that hurt, betrayed look in Alex’s eyes, he’s honestly expecting him to never forgive him.

But then Alex does. And that almost hurts worse because whether he figures out his unfinished business or not, Willie doubts he’s ever going to see him again.

He honest to God almost cries when Alex hugs him because... shit, he hasn’t gotten a hug since he was breathing.

He goes back to the HGC and tries to go about his day, and keeps replaying how good it felt to have Alex’s arms around him, hoping that memory will get him through the next few decades on his own.

The ghosts at the club do actually gossip a fair amount and by this point all of them know about the 3 dead members of Sunset Curve.

So when Willie admits to Helen (what I’m calling one of the twins) that Alex hugging him was the first time he’d gotten a hug since he died, she hugs him tight for a good 20 seconds, telling him she’s sorry he has to lose him, and if Willie closes his eyes he can almost pretend it’s Delilah.

The next thing he knows, he’s locked in a closet.

Caleb comes to talk to (intimidate) him a few hours later, saying he knows what Willie did.

He’s magically locked in his room alone for a couple weeks after that and it’s essentially psychological torture.

Helen, Anna (what I decided to call the other twin), Dante, Fuego, Lyssa, and everyone else tell him not to test Caleb for the next couple years, but Willie has a heart full of love and a head full of fuck it, so he doesn’t listen.

He gives it exactly one day of being/acting scared and obedient, then goes out without permission again, fully intending to scream in a museum alone to let out all his feelings.

Remember: Willie didn’t see the Orpheum performance. He doesn’t know the boys didn’t cross over but by Caleb’s mood he has a feeling the outcome of that scenario was not in the magician’s favor.

He gets there and it’s literally this comic by the very talented @williessweatycherrysocks

He can’t stay long but he and Alex scream in each other’s faces, talk a bit, maybe sing a duet.

After that, they sneak to see each other when they can but don’t get to see much of each other for months.

It’s hard on both of them but they don’t give up on their relationship.

Through long and complicated events which I will outline later, Willie eventually gets free of the HGC, hugs his friends goodbye already making plans to take down Caleb for good to free them, too, and promptly declines an offer to stay in the Molinas’ garage.

As much as he wants to be close to Alex he’s done being confined to one place.

He still comes and visits like every day tho.

He knows a lot more about ghosting than the other boys do so he and Carlos get along amazingly like:

Carlos: So do you know who Jack the Ripper was?

Willie: No? How old do you think I am?

Carlos: I dunno but I thought it might be Caleb cause that would explain how he never got caught.

Willie, taking notes in his Things To Potentially Use To Take Caleb Down notebook: You’re a tiny genius.

No one was expecting it but everyone is in awe of how well he and Carrie get along. Between the two of them they know so much celebrity gossip. (and it’s definitely a good thing he’s on good terms with her cause she and Alex are close)

On the angsty side, Willie also bonds with Nick over how they both know how it feels to be manipulated and used by Caleb.

Also it takes a long time before he’s able to trust him, but he does get adopted into the Molina clan by Ray.

Ray reminds him a lot of his own dad, once Willie’s able to see that he’s nothing like Caleb.

Ray’s honestly just 100% happy to Dad™️ anyone who needs a dad so it works out great once Julie and the boys figure out how to make Willie visible.

But anyway back to important stuff.

Now that they don’t have to hide for any reason, Willie and Alex can both breathe a little easier. Or... they both feel better. Ghosts don’t really breathe.

Willie can finally let himself get used to feeling alive again.

The whole ghost gang goes (invisibly) to the Los Feliz Homecoming dance and maybe it should make him feel a little on-edge with the kind of club-like environment but...

He’s got Alex there, and they’re dancing to some corny pop love song from the 90s that Flynn probably put on because she knew the ghost boys would be there so how could he feel anything but safe?

For a minute it almost feels like actually being alive and there’s yellow and pink and blue lights coming from everywhere reflecting in Alex’s eyes and Willie is suddenly very aware of the fact that though they’ve been together for a long time now, they haven’t had their first kiss.

Then the Cha Cha Slide starts up and the atmosphere switches and Willie totally forgets about the whole romantic tension thing because it’s the Cha Cha Slide everybody has to dance along.

Dirty Candi performs towards the end of the night and the ghost boys cheer the loudest despite how Julie’s laughing at them. They don’t care that Carrie can’t even hear them, they’re being supportive!!!

Everybody screams even louder when Flynn runs up on stage and kisses Carrie and Willie feels a big burst of affection at how Alex shouts ABOUT TIME!

Then he gives Willie a quick hug and leaves cause he and the rest of Julie and the Phantoms have to go get set up for their performance.

Since Alex was able to flip Carrie’s hair in All Eyes on Me I’m saying that ghosts can touch lifers if they focus and believe it will happen hard enough, so the ghost gang has developed a system for alerting their non-Julie lifer friends to their presence.

So while they’re waiting in the crowd Willie taps Carrie on the shoulder like: • - - one short tap, two long taps, a Morse code ‘W’ and Carrie lets Flynn know that he’s there.

(Nick can see him too but Nick’s off somewhere with his date {one of his lacrosse teammates you know the one})

Anyway so Julie goes out and starts up the song and then the rest of the band poofs in but

Something’s unusual.

Cause it’s not Luke on the lower main vocals.

It’s

Alex

Singing while he plays the drums and fucking killing it.

Willie totally bluescreens for a second but then when he actually focuses on the lyrics...

It’s a new song about beating the odds and being with the person you love in spite of the challenges that come with them.

And yeah there are Julie elements in there, (and she’s definitely making heart eyes at Luke even as he sticks to backup vocals) because of course there are since she has to start the song up, but

But Willie might not have any formal music training, but he was at the HGC long enough to know his stuff about music and recognize different artists’ styles.

And there’s a time signature switch on the bridge that’s a little off from how Luke would write it. There’s a swing to the melody that’s a bit more ‘pop’ than the band’s usual songs. Julie’s harmony doesn’t go as high as it normally would, as if whoever wrote the song didn’t have as high of an upper range to work with as she does.

The song is so unmistakably Alex that no one else could have written it.

Flynn and Carrie are quietly making smug comments on what they bet his face looks like right now but Willie’s not listening to them.

On the last chorus, Alex fucking winks at him right before poofing out.

Willie has whiplash like how did they go from him having to psych Alex up to break into a museum even when there’s zero chance of getting caught to Alex openly flirting with him from the stage?

He poofs backstage right as the boys get back from dropping their instruments back in the Molinas’ garage and he honestly doesn’t know what he even wants to say to convey how amazing that performance was.

Then Alex just smiles at him.

Alex: So I take it you liked the song?

Willie: Can I kiss you right now?

They both kinda freeze after he blurts that out and Reggie goes wow really quietly before he and Luke poof out to give them some privacy and whoops now they’re both flustered but

Alex: Wow, didn’t expect that. That’s... um, wow. But yeah.

They kiss and it’s a total romcom moment.

And the story’s far from over, but to Willie this definitely feels like happily ever after.

[laequiem]

She kills my self control - Chapter 9

/ Includes dialogue from The Cruel Prince Ch. 25

I want to see more of this scheming side of her, and the fear that I might not live to do so was growing in me.

cw: unhealthy coping mechanisms (alcohol, sex); physical abuse; nsfw

this chapter also includes some depressive thoughts, so thread carefully if that is something sensitive for you. Take care! 🖤

read on ao3  • previous chapter • next chapter  • all chapters

Chapter 9. Tomorrow's not what it used to be

Seeing Jude with the other spies from Dain’s little circle had been strange, like seeing a whole different side of her. She was not just the human girl haunting my dreams and sparring with me in my waking hours. I want to see more of this scheming side of her, and the fear that I might not live to do so was growing in me. 

One day and one night. What will happen afterwards? If Jude does not come back, they kill me. If she comes back with Madoc, they kill me. If Jude comes back alone, she might just decide to kill me too.

I don’t want to die. Not because my life is great - so far, it has been terrible. A life filled with abuse and neglect that I drown with extravagance. There was a time when I would not let myself think of my immortality. I remember entertaining the idea of  ceasing . Immortality seemed long and tiresome, and I was unable to imagine life getting any better. In the last few months, however, my perspective shifted. I still craved attention, I doubt this would ever change, but I started doing things without expecting recognition. Standing up when my friends went too far, freeing mortal servants and putting food aside for some of them. I am not trying to make up for my cruelty. Simply, doing these things my brothers would disapprove of feels cathartic.

Nowadays, whenever I think of dying, I think of how useless all of this would have been. I have survived plenty, it would be a shame for it to end here. I want to do more. I want. I surprised even myself when I begged Jude and her trio of spies not to kill me, when I promised them gold and position in court... things I could not actually give them. 

Too young, too weak, too mean.

It hurts more than it ought to. The words echo in my head as I sit alone, tied to a chair in Dain’s office. I am getting too sober for this.

“Hey,” I say, but get no answer. I try louder, “Hey!”

“Shut it, princeling,” the female replies from the other room, “We don’t want to have to kill you until tomorrow.”

“I want a drink,” I reply, ignoring the threat.

“We’re not paid enough to share with royalty.”

“Will we even get paid now that the boss is dead?” one of the males wonders.

“I know where to get the good stuff,” I say cockily, “But I’ll only tell you if you let me drink with you.”

A shape comes out from the shadows of the room I’m in, startling me. If I was not tied up, I probably would have fallen off of my chair. I didn’t know he was here, but I guess I should not have expected anything else from Dain’s prized assassin. The half-fae only nodded.

“So, you’ll get me wine?” I ask him.

He nods again. I give him directions to the wine cellar, the same I passed out in mere hours ago. I don’t bother telling him to take my keys, knowing he can easily just pick the lock. 

When he leaves, the other two spies enter my room. The dark-skinned girl came behind me and tugged on the rope restraining my wrists and let out an appreciative whistle.

“She’s not messing around, is she?” she muses, “So, what will you offer us if we untie your hands?”

I raise an eyebrow. They really do not want to make this easy for me. “I can tell you where my sisters keep their jewels.”

“Do tell.”

I tell her. Like the assassin, the green-skinned spy leaves to get the treasure. I am left with the girl. She drags my chair to the main room with her, and we wait for the other two to come back.

---------------

The green-skinned fae comes back first, carrying a chest full of jewels. He’s beaming. I would not be surprised if he filled a tub with the jewels and swam in it. 

“Well, well, he did not lie,” the girl who introduced herself as the Bomb says.

She takes out a blade and cuts the ties restraining my wrists.

“Why would I lie? You might be able to convince Jude not to kill me.”

“She did not seem pleased with the idea of killing you,” the blonde assassin says as he comes out of the shadows, hands full of as many bottles of very expensive wine as he could carry. He puts them on the table and uncorks four bottles.

“We have a… complicated relationship,” I say, letting them interpret this however they want, “I wouldn’t put it past her.”

The Bomb raises a brow while the green-skinned one snorts.

"Well," she says as she holds out a bottle for me, "to complicated relationships."

She clinks her bottle against mine and takes a swig.

---------------

I have been playing cards with the Roach, the Ghost and the Bomb for hours. They are actually quite fun to be around. They took turns to go grab more bottles from the cellar whenever we started to run low.

I am contemplating the bad hand I was dealt when I hear the door open. 

“Jude!” the Bomb exclaims, “Sit down! We’ll deal you in.”

She came back alone. No Balekin, no Madoc. I grin at her, but she does not look pleased.

“What are you doing? He’s supposed to be tied up! He’s our prisoner.”

“Worry not. Where’s he going to go?” asks the Roach, “You really think he can get past all three of us?”

“I don’t mind being one-handed,” I drawl, pausing to take a swig of my bottle, “But if you’re going to restrain both of my hands, then you’ll have to pour the wine directly into my mouth.”

The Bomb tells her about the jewels and where we got the bottles from, but I barely register, all my attention examining Jude. She is seething, I can see it by the lines in her face, the way her brows twitch slightly. 

“Everything is spiraling into chaos anyway, might as well have some fun. Don’t you think, Jude?” I tease, loving the way her name feels on my tongue.

I know I should be trying to calm her down, but I’m so good at riling her up. 

“What did he offer you?” she asks, completely ignoring my teasing.

Play with me, Jude, I think. 

The Ghost smiles, “Mostly gold, but also power. Position.”

“A lot of things he hasn’t got,” the Bomb retorts. 

I pretend to be offended, clutching at my chest, “I thought we were friends.”

Jude rolls her eyes and put her hand on my chair. “I’m going to take him to the back.”

Dread climbs up my spine and I have never been more glad that my tail is tucked away, hiding the nervous undulations I cannot control.

“And do what?” The Roach asks.

“He’s my prisoner,” Jude sneers and I smile at the possessiveness. Then she kneels to cut my legs free and my smile widens.

“Can’t we stay out here? There’s wine out here,” I whine as I try to grab a bottle. She swats my hand away.

The Roach laughs, “Something bothering you, princeling? You and Jude don’t get along after all?”

Did he really have to say that in front of her? Urgh. Nevertheless, Jude does not seem to catch on, and she leads me back to her interrogation room.

[luvdsc]

Hey Cat!! I hope you're doing well as always ! 💖 AHHHH huhu I closed the form last Sunday since I've collected enough responses dy! (NOOOOOOOO ToT) I got a total of 221 responses at the end of the week, which is 3x the amount I initially needed! :o I'm beyond grateful and appreciative ToT I've cleaned the data and have proceeded to run some data analysis, but I ran into an issue whereby the scores on the subscales are equal (it has never been reported in past studies! :O) so I'm waiting for my supervisor's feedback on how to proceed. Hopefully it's nothing too serious ToT

Hehe finance is interesting indeed! I just started reading a book on finance for young adults (Rich Dad Poor Dad) and I look forward to learning more from the author's tips! The Coursera introductory course has also made financial terms a lil more familiar, even though it's just the basics and it's really helped w my financial literacy 🥺 I can push myself to study but it's also the numbers and calculations I'm worried of cuz I am rly a nong (idiot) when it comes to numbers * - * it runs in the genes I guess AHAHAHAHA my mom and sister aren't good at numbers either keke

Aww I'm glad yr professor made financial accounting enjoyable and a fruitful experience for you! Some lecturers / professors rly just have that spark in them to inspire ppl and I'm blessed to be surrounded by a bunch of em in the psych department!🥺😭 it truly makes a difference and I'm sure we both are living proofs of that!

After debating for a while, I've decided not to take a minor mainly because I'm so tired HAHAHAHAHAHA and I'll just do my own self-studying and exploration whilst working! Go out and explore the world, live life! Whilst ironically still staying in my room because of the COVID-19 situation in our country (cases are abt 20+k every day :') ) My proposal has been finalized and it's been accepted! It's just that some elements of my proposal is also part of my actual report, so I have some guidance to refer to in terms of structure! :3 and yes don't worry! I got plenty (sometimes a lil too much) rest during the sem break whilst remaining productive! Plus, I got to catch up w some friends and had game nights (maybe too much of game nights hehe) and movie nights w my friends which was truly refreshing! Also cuz I might not see a lot of them again after we graduate so we gotta cherish every moment 🥺😭

I'm a freelance graphic designer for my uni's newsletter! Occasionally, they'd ask us to create both the content and design! I'll place the link to my recent work below if you wanna check it out! UwU I'm trying to incorporate the same practices during sem break in my last sem (current sem) too! cuz yes mental health is so so important and I'm just tired of being academically tired you get me? :(

What makes me most trilled abt learning abt psychology is how to apply it in daily life too! I find it so fascinating and awestruck at how relatable and within reach these things are like wow we can be influenced in such ways?? :o can be both good and bad but imma stick w seeing it as the development and evolution of us humans UwU

Also, the vaccine has fixed my sleep schedule HEHE (another perk of getting vaccination :3) I got some rly good rest and managed to reset my usual sleeping time, thank you science ToT oooo I see I see, we've had cases of nurses injecting empty syringes hence the recording :( but GHIOGHWEOGIOHW I could never do that, I can feel the liquid entering me as it is so that's good enough ToT (* plays Love Talk * I can feel it coming)

OMG YOUR ART PIECES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, ADORABLE AND ELEGANT! 💖🥺🥰 it must've required a lot of hard-work and effort AHHH thankiew for showing me yr work!! it's truly unique in its own manner despite it's simplicity UwU is there a reason or backstory to yr chosen theme and objects? :3

I just Googled Somi Somi and omg that's such an UwU ice cream AHHHH 💖🥺😭 ice cream is my fav food of all time and it looks like an ice cream haven omg imagine eating it after a loooong hard day's of work ToT and OMG THE SATISFACTION OF EATING THAI MILK TEA ICE CREAM ON A HOT DAY YASSS 😋🤤 hehe if you get the chance to try milk & biscoff, do try it! It's amazing !😍 and ooo i haven't tried alcoholic ice cream before but I will one day!! :3 my alcohol tolerance is rly low though, will I get tipsy over alcoholic ice cream? We shall see UwU (i can only drink half a bottle of apple cider before my face gets red and I start getting a lil tipsy + headache)

and lovie....knowing yr school schedule now...OURS IS DEFINTELY BRUTAL OMG a 3 month long sem break huhu that's only the total amount of sem breaks we get in a year ToT i thought uni was hard but not that hard ToT

Always glad and honored to have you onboard! and AHAHAHAH the contractions about to start soon 👀 I enjoy talking to you huhu you're such a sweet and supportive person 💖🥺🥰😙 huhu for my period cramps, I've been having them since I was 12 ToT my doctor prescribed me some panadols but sometimes I can't even swallow them cuz I'd puke them out ToT I've settled w heatpacks to reduce my reliance on medicine, but I finally got some upgraded and safe to eat medicine from my gynae! She said it's fine to take it every month to keep my womb healthy and apparently my ms. lil uterus is suffering from inflammation, hence the super crazy bedridden cramps :( the upgraded medicine worked for a while, but after time it kinda didn't help either :/ but I realised that exercise rly does wonders to reduce the cramp too (gynae also recommended exercising) so i take walks and do my back stretches more frequently now! my period in the previous months (2 months ago) have been almost painless and bearable, it's so weird not seeing my bedridden ._. when I was in high school, there would always be a day in every month in which I don't attend classes, and that's solely because of my cramps. It just isn't worth suffering in school, plus we don't have a sick room :/ I hope the pain continues to subside! ToT

And ayy internship is also working experience, yr advice would be of great help to me regardless! 🥺 oh yes, I always remind myself that interviews are similar to the speaking test I took for my Cambridge English exams! That kinda help calm my nerves down a lil, but w nerves comes bigger smiles, so I guess it takes on a rather practical form of coping mechanism (sublimation) AHAHAHAHA

WAAAA WHAT A QUEEN you got an offer from every interview?? I aspire to be like you! 💖🥺🥰 huhu skill wise I believe I have lots to prepare esp in terms of case studies, and I perform rly poorly on certain assessments (*ehem * esp those concerning numbers) so I took the chance to study a lil during sem break too ToT but noted on that! I will work on that too and try to maintain that me element in interviews and overall just be myself keke

That's all from me for now! Imma wait for my supervisor's feedback and journey on w my last semester. Bon voyage! Link to my recent work: https://www.instagram.com/p/CTBqGzjr6sN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link Other works: https://www.instagram.com/p/CPpv-IyM7Gi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link https://www.instagram.com/p/CL55EG-MbL2/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

hi hello honey bee !!! 💓 omg i'm so sorry for the belated response, i finally got on my laptop 😭 i'm gonna put my response under the cut since it got a little long 🤧

omg 221 responses !!!!! that's so many 🙀 congratulations aaaaa it's amazing that you were able to get 3x the data you needed !!! was it difficult to run data analysis? were you able to solve the issue with the equal scores on the subscales? i hope it didn't create too much additional work for you ):

omg yes finance is really interesting! i enjoyed the classes i took for it :') how is rich dad poor dad? did you learn a lot from it? i know it was a book my prof recommended, but i never got around to reading it 😶 did you learn any helpful tips? and ooo i'll have to look into coursera! yeah, there's quite a lot of terms for finance, and it can be a little intimidating paired with all the math formulas and such, but it's pretty useful imo! how are your financial studies going so far? 💕 omg nong is such a cute word?? i would never think it meant idiot asdkfhlkajsdf omg my whole family is good at numbers and really like math, but i didn't like it 😭 my mom made me study it a lot everyday though rip are the financial calculations getting easier for you as you practice more hopefully?

yessss omg i absolutely agree with this!!!! like you can just feel when a professor loves to teach and is genuinely so excited to talk about their subject, and it just makes the most boring horrible subject into something you learn to enjoy and hate less :') and i'm really happy to hear you have tons of professors like that in the psych department 🥺💗

that's great to hear!!!! 🌷🌷 i'm glad that you're prioritizing yourself and your health, which is so much more important than taking on a minor. what fun subjects have you decided to explore and self study so far? 💞 oh my gosh, the rising cases are so high?? i hope it's gotten better there for you ): are you able to go outside yet?

big congratulations on your proposal being finalized and accepted, lovebug !!!! 🥳🥳 i'm very proud of you and hoping one day i can read your published studies in a scientific journal :') aaaa i'm so glad to hear that you got to rest and enjoy your time with your friends!! i definitely feel that omg i regret all the times i skipped out on movie nights or game nights with my friends because now we're all scattered across the country and the only way we can have them again is over zoom calls 🤧

I SAW YOUR DESIGNS AND THEY'RE GORGEOUS OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH !!!! 💖 I'M IN AWE AAAA IF PSYCH DOESN'T WORK OUT, I HOPE YOU BECOME A GRAPHIC DESIGNER 🤩🤩💖 and yes i totally get it ): i really felt the academic burn out when i was in college and it was really difficult at times 🤧 but i hope it's going better for you nowadays, sweetpea 💝💝

omg yeah i absolutely agree !!!! whenever i read about psychology, i keep it in the back of my mind and then when i see something irl that relates to it, i'm like :O amazing. it's so cool to learn about different psych tricks too and see how it works when you test them out yourself and whatnot. and it's really crazy to see how the human brain is so easily influenced at times ??? it truly is an amazing subject !!!

ah what a great side benefit of the vaccine - a better sleep schedule 🤩 i'm happy to hear that your schedule has been fixed 💘 and omg what ??? they're injecting empty syringes wth ????? 😭 that's absolutely horrible, are they getting sued?? lmaooooo that love talk reference askdfhlaksjd

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND COMPLIMENTS 😭😭💗💗 there were many late hours spent in the art studio to finish them, but i'm really happy with the end products :') i thought light bulbs are an interesting subject to do, and my prof said that cutting out circular objects or sculpting them is the most difficult since they're made up curves and not straight lines and i was like ok bet i'm gonna do it aND I'M SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THEM 🥺 and i love honey bees !!! that's why i decided to paint them and we were supposed to paint them in a combined style of two artists so i tried monet's impressionist style with the short brush strokes and pop art triptych style like marjorie strider 💕

somi somi is sooo good and i just had it again a couple weeks ago :') omg ice cream is your favorite food? :o and YES ice cream is so satisfying after a long day of hard work, like it's such a nice reward to look forward to at the end of day ✨ aaaaa i have to try thai milk tea ice cream one day now !!!!! it sounds amazing 🤩 and YES i must look for places that sell milk & biscoff ice cream !! i have milk ice cream from somi somi, but i need to try to combined flavors 💘 i don't think you'll get tipsy over it !!! it's a really faint taste of alcohol, like i didn't even notice it at first, and i don't think they put very much of it in there! aksljdfhals omg you're a lightweight :o at least that means you save money on alcohol LOL i need like nine shots to get drunk 🤧

your school is too hard 😭 you need more than just 3 months of break !!! 😡 we get a week off for thanksgiving in fall semester and a week off for spring break in spring semester too and then the month long winter break and three month summer break. and we have the one day holidays off too like labor day, memorial day, etc. i can't believe they give you so little time off after working so hard???

asdfhlkajshdlksja loool are the contractions over yet? has it been born? what's the current status, doctor? 👀 i really enjoy talking to you too !!! i'm very sorry for the late responses, work is really taking over all of my time, and i never have enough time to get on my laptop to reply to my asks 😭 and thank you for saying such kind things about me 🥺🥺💝 oh my gosh, i'm so sorry to hear that you have such terrible cramps 😭 i can't even imagine going through that - mine are nowhere near as horrible 😖 do the heatpads help a lot? i'm relieved to hear that you were prescribed better medication though! but yeah, your body does eventually get used to the medication and you have to continue taking stronger meds for it to work, but that's not a very healthy solution /: but i'm really glad to hear that exercise has been helping out a lot!! 💖 hurray for almost painless and bearable periods 🥳 i'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that in high school ): that sounds absolutely horrible 😭 periods are just awful, but it's like i'm grateful that i have my period because that means i'm not pregnant, but also please go away aslkhdfaklsj

omg what was the speaking test for the cambridge english exams like? :o it sounds so formal and a lil intimidating askdjfhalsd do you know of any psych tricks that can possibly help calm your nerves? :')

aaaa yes i did !! i was really surprised that i got an offer from them all because at the time, i was not in the right major and i think i was one of the most underqualified applicants 🤧 one person who interviewed me asked why i withdrew from my engr physics class and i explained it in a kinda funny way but in my head, i was like "oof i'm not gonna get this offer anymore" but then he laughed at my response and told me about how his prof told him he should drop a guitar class he was taking because he was doing very poorly and we bonded over that aklsjdhfkals omg how do interviews for psych jobs go? do you have to discuss a lot of case studies? do they give you a list of possible case studies they'll ask about? :o what sort of assessments do you have to do? good luck on all of your interviews, honey bee 💛 i'm rooting for you, you're gonna do amazing !!!! 💘

omg what did your supervisor say about your case study? and how is your last semester going? are you almost done now? 🌸 (also how have you been? what have you been up to? thank you for taking the time to leave such detailed messages for me, i'm really excited to see all the fun updates in your life, lovebug 🌷🌷)

[scripttorture]

My OC underwent unethical medical experimentation and (essentially) torture in hopes of "breaking" him in- obviously this didn't work/is an inaccurate belief and he was left traumatized + with chronic pain afterwards. I was wondering about three parts: a.) if it were realistic for his memory issues to relate both to details of his torture and to manifest in day to day life (forgetting what day it is, important dates, etc) (realism 1/2)

b.) if you'd have any advice on realistically writing torture/trauma-related nightmares, and c.) if it would be realistic for him to turn to an unhealthy coping mechanism (in his case, drug use) in order to cope with his pain and anxiety. Thank you in advance! (realism 2/2)

-

I’m going to start with the last question because I think it’s the easiest. Yes that is unfortunately a common response.

 I don’t have any data to say whether it’s more common in survivors who have chronic pain but it’s easy to see how one could lead to the other if a survivor isn’t given the option of proper treatment. Especially in a country where there’s over-prescription of addictive pain killers.

 I’ve seen some research (not using torture survivors) that suggests addiction could be less likely if people are given proper support. However I am not an expert on addiction and I don’t know how accepted that position is.

 Your idea for the character’s memory problems are also possible.

 The way I break down memory problems and describe them is more about helping writers then how the brain functions. All of these systems are inter-related.

 Survivors can show one predominate ‘type’ of memory problem. They can also show mixtures of all of them. So far as I know all of them are caused by very similar underlying neurological (and sometimes sleep) problems.

 But breaking them up into chunks- I guess I just think it helps writers consider the options and impact, making a complex issue more accessible.

 All of which means: yes what you’re planning is realistic.

 Now nightmares are something I have a lot of fun with when I’m writing. I really enjoy the crazy juxtaposition and logic of dreams.

 And they are a big part of how we process emotions and events. So they can be a great way to show what’s on your character’s mind.

 I found keeping a dream diary for a couple of months incredibly helpful. I kept a notepad and got myself into the habit of writing down any dreams I remembered, in as much detail as I could in the morning. Sometimes I drew out characters, scenes or objects from the dreams and some of them have gone on to feature in my stories.

 This exercise can get you used to the disjointed way dreams put things together, especially if you take the time to think about the visuals afterwards.

 Going back through my old notes here are a couple of examples from my ‘normal’ dreams.

 I was walking through a rainforest with two of my friends, talking. We walked along a path beside a river and the foliage around us was all white and cream. The flowers were all scarlet and they were mostly long, tubular things like part-opened lilies.

 At the time the imagery of the plants struck me and I wanted to paint it. So I went over what I remembered several times, trying to figure out how to capture it.

 And while I was doing that I realised that the path beside the river was real. It was the route we took from our student accommodation when I was an undergrad, along the river, to a quiet part of town with a nice cafe. At the time I had the dream I probably walked along that path at least once a week. Every twist and turn, the height and depth of the plants, had all been recreated perfectly in the dream.

 I’d just turned the plants into something extraordinary.

 Another dream I wrote out involved a ‘house-boat’ that was like the house from the end of a row of terraces, sliced off and floating down the sea. It also had a piratical theme and excellent lizard-monkeys.

 The house was a place in Cyprus that we often stayed when visiting my Cypriot relatives. The beach and the sea were a few minutes down the road from that real house.

 My mind had kept the floor-plan, the structure, the walls. It had kept the very bright white walls of Mediterranean buildings and the sea around Cyprus in the summer. It had just… filled the inside with objects I’d seen in movies and creatures that didn’t exist.

 Capturing that juxtaposition is the key to writing any dreams convincingly.

 I approach trauma dreams by thinking about the real incident and picking out parts of it that the character dwells on. I’m essentially looking for little sensory details that can be spun out into something bigger.

 The last time I wrote a dream scene that detail was the smell of beer and the smell of blood.

 The character had witnessed a violent attack in the street. He’d been approached by one of the attackers who told him to move along. The attacker’s breath had smelt of millet beer. The confined corridor the attack took place in had smelt of blood.

 And in the witness character’s dream these combined, so he imagined himself at his job behind a bar, pulling pint after pint of blood instead of beer.

 Use details (from both the everyday and the traumatic incident) and then muddle them up with the fantastical.

 The set up of the room experiments took place in, covered in moss and plants. When he tries to pick the tomatoes growing out of a piece of equipment they open their mouths and scream.

 There’s a monster from a movie he saw as a child chasing him but his knees hurt and he keeps getting slower and slower and- The route he’s fleeing, through nondescript TV sci fi corridors, is the same as the one from his cell to the lab.

 The guard he was most afraid of it talking to him, but their face is upside down. When they open their eyes there are teeth in the sockets. When they smile he sees rows of eyes where their teeth should be.

 That’s how I approach it. I hope that helps :)

 (Oh and do let me know if any of you had to hide behind the sofa, I thrive on positive feedback.)

Disclaimer

[darkestwolfx]

Recharge - Re-Review #18

Here was another episode I didn’t remember very well - clearly isn’t one I’ve ended up rewatching all that much, but I do love it for so so many reasons!

So firstly, where have Grandma and EOS gone lately?

*I’ll just tap my foot and patiently (not so) wait for their return.*

Secondly;

“Last one there has to do the dishes for a week.”

“Well you better put on your rubber glove now.”

“You guys go for it. I’m just glad to be home.”

This is so believable. They are in many ways still children, and yet at the same time, they are and have to be grown ups. Indulging moments like this is something I can completely see Scott doing - especially when IR are really busy. He’s kinda in charge now and he does sometimes have to think a little like his dad would, and find the ways to bring some light-hearted humour back. I can also see how Virgil would not dive into as much, because he is older and more able to appreciate the returning home part. For Alan and Gordon, I can imagine this is a necessity.

All Thunderbird being out was a nice touch too.

Getting Jeff’s desk in the shot was a nice touch too, especially as his absence is a real focus in this episode (I do remember liking that before - I remember writing a couple of episode tags about it, oh and I’ve just had the idea for one more)!

And then look at Alan - sleeping again! Even Gordon’s giving in. Scott too looks really tired - I can so see lines under his eyes.

“Scott and I will take care of it.”

“We will?”

“They stay here.”

You tell him Virgil! I don’t think Scott is used to that happening, but strap yourself in everyone - that is the whole point of this episode! I love Scott’s new catchphrase too.

“We will?” “You will?”

The way both of those were said just make me chuckle.

MAX got his own moment! I loved him coming up into Thunderbird Two, it was a lovely change to the launch sequence (which I will be honest, I don’t often watch as I use them as my catch up with ‘typing/correcting spelling errors’ on these things time)!

Ah, the view! Closest I’ve ever got to it was Lapland... still gorgeous from there though.

It’s rare that we get to see John but-in like this either, but even he is telling Scott what to do this episode.

“I can do this.”

Sometimes, Scott, you have to accept that you can’t, and that doesn’t make you any less. Trust me on that one, I know the feeling.

MAX getting lifted int the back of the pod!

Yeah, we so know where Alan gets his crazy from. 

“Scott, follow the route. It’s too dangerous!”

“We’ll be fine. Trust me!”

You were saying, Scott?

“This is actually quite fun!”

I’m glad Brains is at least enjoying a rescue for once. It’s like a man and his dog with MAX and Brains too. Really nice touches with the photo too.

“You can go faster than that. Step on it.”

No wonder he has a love for speed - so did Grandma in ‘Unplugged’, and his Father too apparently.

Mechanical Assistant eXperimental. I’m glad someone finally told us - Scott’s face though.

“That’s it. We are going to have to wait until the fog clears.”

Keep putting your foot down Virgil, because now we get the tent and one of my favourite scenes!

“What’s going on with you today?”

“Me? We’re on a mission. We need to do everything we can to get their ASAP, and you’re taking the scenic route.”

“It’s the safe route.”

“I didn’t come here to be safe.”

“You can’t keep pushing everyone and everything to the limit.”

“I don’t push anyone harder than they need to be pushed.”

“You’re so darn determined you don’t see the danger.”

“You don’t know what you’re capable of unless you keep pushing.”

“But we are not machines.”

“Someone has got to step up. I’m just doing what Dad did; he never gave up.”

“Dad worked hard, but even he knew there were limits. He couldn’t do it all.”

“But I have to do it all. I couldn’t save Dad... but maybe I can make up for it.”

“By saving everyone else?”

Look after yourselves everyone! But particularly the men out there! You can be strong and still have feelings. We all need to talk more and I have admired the writers of TAG for a long time for putting this scene into what is essentially a children’s tv show and writing it between two men. Often you might find something like this in content aimed at adult audiences - which is great because you’re targeting the generations who have been brought up on the nonsense of keeping some feelings closed off, but children are the future generations and often that is when we learn our responses to big things like grief - and we usually copy it from those we see around us (mainly adults) and how they deal with the situation. This is the way to change things, with positive media messages. Honestly, I could write on essay on the merits of scenes like this in the entertainment industry towards helping open up about mental health. I think I might have just written a good chunk of it above, but honestly, it is another reason why I praise this first series of Thunderbirds Are Go - even with injuries and talk of events, the writers really pushed the limits for what you can feature in a children’s program and it really shows.

“I miss him.”

I feel like that is something Scott hasn’t said aloud or in company for a long, long time.

“If I let myself think about... Keeping busy with International Rescue is the only thing that I have to stop me going crazy.”

I really do get it, Scott. I reckon a lot of us out there can relate. Or if you can’t yet, one day you’ll know the feeling. It’s nearly impossible to describe, but you’ll just know.

Way to go MAX in this episode! He was so amazing.

“Ok, Brains. Send MAX in.”

“MAX was a real hero.”

I love how they brought back everything that mattered, but thought it was the end of the world because there wasn’t anything much to bring back. Remember with computers to never just keep one copy of things! Another valuable lesson.

Rescue count: 25 (I am so including Virgil rescuing MAX).

They must really need the sleep too. I get jet lag flying every so often - the amount of times they cross the time lines... they must be exhausted.

Yeah... you’ll have to handle this one, John.

“We’ll take this one.”

Good call Gordon. I hope it’s something they can deal with - although this would suggest that the boys have made sure (to some extent) that they can cope with each others crafts... I mean, maybe this was something Three and/or Four could handle, but I do think that would be a real spot of luck. And we know Gordon can fly Two because he does in series 2 and he did via a pod in the 1st half of series one. That makes sense, because he could then get Four wherever it was needed, and he and Alan potentially would be able to go on a rescue without these Two because they would have all the equipment needed variable to them within Two.

What was that Virgil? I thought you mumbled something about cookies? And I think when Scott wakes up (and is less tired), he will have something to say about you putting your feet (and shoes) on his legs...

Phew, that was a long one.

And remember, there are charities out there such as Mind etc. Mental health matters and this episode is an ambassador for that!

Also, if you ever get the chance to go anywhere close enough to see the Northern Lights, I do highly recommend it.

[kiwi-bitchez]

Permafrost

Chapter 4: superpowers and liquid courage

Read chapters 1, 2, and 3, all are also on my Ao3

Summary: Peter and Y/N sneak around the boat and try to find ways to kill the time. Stumbling upon a bar, you take it upon yourself to pour the liquid courage you need to finally talk to peter about what happened that night at the party.

Warnings: language and alcohol consumption

A/N: can this be a slow burn even though they've already fucked??? More smut is coming, I promise ;) Drop requests for oneshots or ideas for fics you want to see in my ask box! Smut/fluff/anything! Plz! I’m so lonely and horny all the time. 

The first handful of days on the boat generally consist of jetlag, seasickness, and mundane ways to kill the onsetting boredom. Just about everyone slept for the majority of the first day of the trip, that 11-hour flight was no joke, and segueing directly onto a boat wasn’t exactly an easy transition.

The bunks on the ship weren’t ideal, but they were nice enough. You weren’t exactly used to luxury anyways. The bedrooms could easily be compared to small dorm rooms, and the bathrooms weren’t large enough for more than one person to be seasick at a time.

Both you and Peter didn’t have too much trouble with that, as you found the constant swaying kind of comforting, and you were sure Peter was immune to motion sickness. However, everyone else wasn’t quite as adept as the two of you, making the first 48 hours generally miserable for everyone.

“I can’t stand being in here listening to Steve throw up any longer,” Peter says, sitting up in his bed and tossing a wad of paper at the back of your head.

“Hey!” you turn from your seat at the small desk where you had been trying to distract yourself with work, “watch it!”

“Can we do something, please,” Peter looks at you, making a ridiculous puppy-dog face that you knew you couldn’t say no to, “just like a walk around the ship, we can go up to the top deck, literally anything, please.”

“Ugh I guess,” you pretend to be annoyed but are actually glad to be getting out of the tiny bedroom. You hadn’t taken much time to explore around the ship, and you figured it would be beneficial considering you were going to be here for quite some time.

Following Peter, who walked incredibly fast, always slightly bouncing and skipping when he stepped, you made your way to the main room. There was a small kitchen, a few couches, and a dining table. You flop dramatically back onto one of the couches in the middle of the room, letting all your limbs hang off the sides.

“Great, now we can just listen to everyone be sick from out here,” you flop your head back to look at peter from an upside-down angle.

“At least the acoustics are better,” he quips back as he rummages through every drawer and cabinet.

“Is this really the only other room other than our sleeping quarters?” you ask, assuming he had been told more than you about the trip.

“Yeah, I think so. There are the other rooms upstairs, the conference room, and the top deck. I think Tony mentioned something about an entertainment room but he said it was closed off. This boat used to be for small private trips until they refurbished it to make the trip to Antarctica, now mostly it’s used by larger groups of scientists and stuff like that, so no real need for an entertainment room.”

“No need for an entertainment room? What, you science nerds don’t like to have fun?” You joke, having recently learned about Peter’s love for math and science, particularly chemistry.

“Not exactly anti-fun, more like anti-relaxation,” he flops beside you in a similar fashion on the couch across from yours, “I’m pretty sure Stark sealed off that conference room and is using it as a lab. Like he couldn’t just relax for a few days, that would be impossible.”

“Why aren’t you up there with him doing top-secret Avenger’s science?”

“Eh, he told me to scram when I offered to help. Sometimes he gets into the zone and refuses to let anyone help him. I kind of get it, but it means I’m stuck here, bored out of my mind.”

“Damn, sorry I’m so boring I guess,” you joke, sarcastically rolling your eyes at him.

“That is not what I-” he starts before looking over at you, realizing your tongue is stuck out at him.

“Race you to the top,” you say quickly as you take a head start out the door.

The two of you tumble down the hallway, flailing your arms and trying to knock one another over. He manages to squeak by you and scramble up the stairs to the top deck first.

“Hey that is not fair,” you yell over to him, already starting to shiver, “I don’t have radioactive blood and spider muscles or whatever it is you have.”

You join him over by the railing, looking out at the vast ocean. Although it is beautiful, the cold is unbearable and the wind is whipping your hair in every direction.

“This was a better idea in theory,” Peter turns to you, “I think I spotted Monopoly down there.”

“Okay are we five?” you joke back, but you secretly loved Monopoly, fully ready to kick Peter’s ass.

Although the two of you grew comfortable quickly, there was still a slight air of tension. There was that underlying thing that neither of you was going to bring up, but secretly wished the other would. You used humor as a coping mechanism, constantly deflecting with sarcasm and bad jokes.

It was inconvenient that the only person who really wanted to spend time with you was Peter, and you spent almost every minute of the day together. All of this would have been easier if you just had to awkwardly acknowledge him in passing, but no, you were literally sleeping less than 10 feet apart.

You tried to just see him as a friend, someone you could be goofy and dick around with. You think he is trying to see you the same way too. You try your best to keep physical contact out of the picture, but he can’t help but to grab your hand to drag you off somewhere, or for you to ruffle his hair after he says something stupid.

There was that inherent chemistry between the two of you, and if you hadn’t known better you could have ignored it, but that was the problem, you did know better. You both knew how you had fucked each other’s brains out that night, how the sexual interest and intense attraction truly was there and wasn’t just something you were imagining. But still, you resign to scrunching your nose at him and cracking bad jokes over board games to repress any feelings of wanting him on top of you.

You had found a small stack of board games and would cycle through them and play with anyone who was willing to sit with you and Peter for that long. Monopoly, Risk, and Scrabble. Certain members of the team would come in for certain games, some were better competitors than others. But that’s how the two of you mutually decided to pass the time. When you weren’t stewing over maps and images of cliff faces, you would go down to the common room with Peter and wait around until you had a large enough party to play. A few days passed by this way and you didn’t mind, it also gave you the chance to spend some time with the other members of the team, although they never became less intimidating.

You sat at the tiny wooden desk, you ass getting sore from sitting on the hard, wooden chair. You had been shuffling through papers, not really concentrating on anything in particular, when you felt Peter enter the room. You had headphones on and had the music cranked up, but you could always feel when he entered the room, despite how light on his feet he was.

You turn around, surprised to not see him there. But before you can fully turn back around to the desk your body instinctively recoils at Peter hanging upside down dangling over the wooden surface. You gasp as you start to fall back, chair slipping out underneath you. He shoots out a web from god knows where and catches the chair inches before it hits the ground.

You clutch your chest, slightly worried that cardiac arrest might be in your near future. Before you can yell at him, or even get up, he is toppled over on the desk cracking up. He lowers you slowly, so you are now flat on your back. He continues to hysterically laugh and you can’t help but join him.

“What the fuck man!” you finally say in between giggles.

“I’m sorry I-” Peter, still gasping for air in between bellows, “I just wanted to scare you, I didn’t realize you would-” still laughing.

“You are an asshole,” you say, finally getting up, you smack him off your desk and start to reorganize your papers.

“You can’t be mad at me, that was so funny,” Peter, finally upright, moves across the room.

“You bet your ass I will be getting you back though,” you point your finger sternly at him, although you were unsure how you could top hanging from the ceiling, “If you are here to ask me to play scrabble with you, I may explode.”

“No, no, I need a solid 12-hour break from board games before I kick your ass at Monopoly again,” he never stops rubbing it in, “I was just wondering if you wanted to look around for something to eat for dinner.”

You smooth out your hair and clothes to join him in the hallway, quickly entering the somewhat crowded main room. The others were eating as well, as everyone had become accustomed to the motion of the ocean and had started taking Dramamine. The two of you conclude on a box of mac and cheese, as long as Peter did all the work. He owed you at least that considering your heart stopped for a solid 15 after that stunt he pulled.

Everyone finishes their meals and clears out of the room, heading back to their respective rooms, leaving you and Peter to discuss the mechanics of eating mac and cheese with a spork.

“Make sure to wrap it before you tap it, kids,” Sam nudges Peter on the shoulder as he exited the room.

“Oh my god do they all know about that?” you ask.

“Kind of,” Peter’s face grew red, “they all really like you, I swear.”

“He wouldn’t shut up about you for weeks!” Sam yells from the hallway, clearly still within earshot of you.

You threw your hands over your face in embarrassment. You couldn’t believe that all the freaking Avengers knew about your sex life. You wondered how much Peter had told them, but didn’t dare ask. You just hoped they all knew that you were professional and hadn’t just weaseled your way onto this trip because you had slept with Spiderman, although that technically was the case.

“I am painfully bored,” you admit, bringing your dishes to the sink, “is there really nothing else to do other than Monopoly and sleep?”

“I mean I can think of a few things…” Peter jokes, although you hope deep down that he isn’t.

“Hey, quit it with the flirting,” you join him on the couch, “you made me dinner and now you’re making passes at me, don’t break the rules.”

“But rules are so boooooring, and this boat is soooo booooring,” he slumps into your lap, making those puppy dog eyes at you again.

“Okay then, lets… do something exciting then,” you suggest, getting up and waltzing across the room.

“What could possibly be exciting?”

“If I remember your top-secret Avengers info correctly, there is a whole game room just waiting to be broken into.”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea…” Peter questions, “hey, and isn’t your whole deal that you want to be respectful and professional and everything?”

Although he makes a fair point, everyone is in bed at this point and your boredom was killing your brain cells. You both could use something to occupy your minds as this boat slowly trudges into colder and colder territory.

“Oh I’m sorry,” you start, “I didn’t realize you were bitten by a radioactive scardey cat.”

He rolls his eyes at you and follows you out into the hallway and down the stairs.

“Fine, but I am not taking the blame for this if we get in trouble.”

“Fine, fine, it was all my idea, you can even rat me out.”

You make your way down to the bottom floor, where neither of you had yet been. You find the door at the end of the hallway and quietly jiggle the door handle open.

“Dude, your secret intel was all lies,” you whisper, “the door wasn’t even locked.”

You slip your way into the door and feel around for a light switch. Although it was nowhere near as exciting as you would have hoped, it was still something. The lights flicker on and reveal a mostly empty ballroom, a small one albeit, a few tables, couches, and a bar. It wasn’t much different from the room upstairs except the one thing that caught your eye, the bar.

“Come on Peter, it will be fun,” you start, already knowing he will protest your devilish ideas, “plus, I bet no one can even hear us down here.”

“I don’t know, I don’t want to take anything that doesn’t belong to me.”

“If that’s your concern I have like twenty bucks in cash upstairs that I will gladly leave in the place of whichever one of these fine bottles we choose to take.”

“I suppose,” you notice him coming around to the idea, “but we have to be quiet, I don’t want to disrupt anyone’s sleep.”

“Of course, of course,” you were now behind the bar, eyeing your selections, “pick your poison, Parker.”

You grab a bottle and take a seat on one of the couches, Peter sits down across from you.

“Are we friends?” you ask Peter, taking a swig right from the bottle and passing it over to him.

“Um, I guess so? Why?” Peter takes a sip much more easily than you had expected.

“I just feel like I don’t know anything about you. Friends know things about each other.”

“You know that I’m Spiderman, most people don’t know that about me.”

“I guess,” you take the bottle back from him, “but we have spent every day together for almost a week now, and I don’t really know anything about you. Your name is Peter Parker, you have magic spider monkey powers, you have a big dick...”

“Peter Benjamin Parker,” he says, hand out asking for the bottle again.

“Hmm?” you finish your sip and hand the liquor over.

“My middle name is Benjamin, that’s something you don’t know about me.”

“That’s so cute,” the liquor hitting you already, “that suits you so well.”

“Thanks, it was my Uncle’s name,” Peter took a long sip, “he, um, he died when I was in high school.”

“Oh,” you didn’t expect this conversation to get so serious so quickly, “were you two close?’

“Yeah, my parents are dead, so he and my Aunt May were my guardians. May is great, she’s like the best person ever, love her with my whole heart. But Uncle Ben died and it was pretty hard on us, and I became Spiderman, and… it was all kind of a mess, to be honest.”

“I’m- I’m really sorry to hear that,” you look down, unsure of how to continue.

“Ok now you go,” he says, handing you the bottle.

“Huh?” you were still trying to process everything he had just thrown out there.

“Our drinking game, you say something the other person doesn’t know about you and also you drink.”

“That just sounds like a conversation to me.”

“Ok, then you come up with something!”

“No, no, I like it,” you laugh, the alcohol steadily setting into your bloodstream, “I just don’t really have any exciting secrets like dead parents or superpowers though.”

“That’s ok, just tell me your favorite ice cream flavor or something. You are right, we barely know anything about each other.”

“Coffee, but coffee mixed with cookies and cream, so like the coffee ice cream has little bits of cookie mixed in it. What’s yours?”

“Ben and Jerry's.”

“That’s not a flavor, that’s a brand.”

“Doesn’t matter. That’s my answer. This is my game, so I say Ben and Jerry's.”

The two of you had somehow migrated from the couches over to the large wooden dance floor, laying with arms and legs starfished out around you. You went back and forth, telling stupid facts about yourselves, whoever wasn’t talking was drinking. You flip over onto your stomachs and rest your head on your arms, crossed in front of you. You were staring directly into Peter’s eyes.

Normally being this close to him would make you a blend of anxious and horny and giddy. However, the bottle was well over half gone at this point. The two of you had been talking for hours, rolling around on the hard floor and laughing at each other’s stories.

“Have you ever been in love?” you ask, the thought escaping your mouth before it could be filtered through your brain.

“Damn,” Peter, equally as drunk as you, responds, “that’s a little personal, don’t you think?”

“Okay mister shares-a-room-with-me-and-also-let-me-suck-his-dick-in-a-spare-room-at-a-work-function Parker.”

“Hey,” he sits up, struggling a little bit, “I thought we were secretly silently agreeing not to bring that up.”

“Ban lifted,” you sit up too, “we are playing the reveal-your-secrets drinking game that YOU made up.”

“It’s called “get to know your roommate better through discussion and drink” and it’s fun,” he says defensively, “and no, I was a loser in high school and now I spend my weekends lurking around in alleyways waiting for people to punch, so no, never been in love.”

“You lurk in alleyways? Doesn’t really sound very superhero esque to me,” you make fun of him.

“I’ve been to space, so, suck on that.”

“Can I see it?”

Peter gives you a funny look, not entirely sure what you’re getting at.

“Your suit you dummy, show me your super suit. Show me Spiderman!”

“I don’t know y/n, I’m kind of drunk and I don’t want to wake anyone up.”

“What? Spiderman can’t be quiet? Please, Peter, pleeeasssee.”

“Ok fine but I’m taking that twenty from your wallet to leave at the bar.”

“Fine!” you lay back on the ground, closing your eyes that felt very heavy, “I’ll be here waiting for you Spideyyy.”

Peter takes a while, slowly making his way up the stairs to your shared room. You patiently wait for him, pacing around the entertainment room taking long gliding steps, twirling around with your arms spread out.

“Okay, I have a few different ones with me, but this one is the coolest for sure,” Peter starts talking to you before he is even all the way down the stairs, taking them three at a time. You stare at him with bulging eyes, mouth dropping slightly agape.

“What? Don’t look at me like that you’re making me self-conscious,” he steps into the room, Spider-suit clinging tightly to his body.

“How?” you walk up to him, placing a hand on the shiny material, surprised to find it was cold and metallic to the touch, “are you so perfect?”

“Excuse me?” Peter stumbles a little bit.

“Look at you! You’re freaking amazing!” you fall back onto the old leather couch, making your landing dramatic, as if he had blown you away.

“Shut up, don’t make fun of me,” Peter shies away, “I’m not even gonna put the mask on now.”

“I’m not making fun of you! Do something super, please?? Will you??”

He sighs, exasperated, and drunk, and shoots a web across the room, swinging his body along with it. He wasn’t as graceful as he usually was, and had never tried using his suit while intoxicated, so this was all new.

“Holy shit!” you exclaim, causing Peter to whip around and dramatically motion for you to be quiet, “fuck, sorry. Holy shit!” you whisper.

“Can I take it off? I’m getting sweaty,” he drops his shoulders and mopes.

“I suppose…” you shuffle back over to the couch, “but know I like you much more in the sexy superhero outfit than those sweats you’ve been rocking.”

“Don’t hate on the joggers,” he was slipping back into them, you hadn’t even noticed that he had taken the spider suit off, it had happened so fast. You found yourself staring at his bare chest, unable to control your drunk expression of lust.

“Are we still playing the roommate honesty game?” you ask, desperately trying to focus your eyes on something other than Peter getting dressed.

“Yes,” he grabs the bottle over from where you had left it on the table, “and it’s my turn to ask.”

“Okay shoot spider-boy.”

He takes a long sip before sitting across from you, looking at you intently. “You lifted the ban, so I get to ask, and I’m just drunk enough to not give a fuck, so I have to do it.”

“Okay?” unsure of where he was going with this.

“Why,” he pauses before taking another quick sip, “why did you leave that night? Why didn’t you leave your number?”

It took you a second, and you sat there, slightly uncomfortable. You weren’t sure how to start, opening your mouth before words had formed in your brain.

“I’m sorry,” he cuts you off before you can even speak, “You don’t have to answer that, you don’t have to explain yourself to me.”

“No, its ok,” you felt weirdly sober suddenly, despite not being able to feel your hands or feet or cheeks, “I- I just didn’t really know what I was doing. I had never really slept with someone I didn’t know like that, and I wasn’t sure what the rules were, what the protocol was.”

“I’m not good at that stuff either,” he avoided eye contact with you, “I probably just should have asked you for it.”

“I just, I didn’t want to leave it and then have you never call. I figured you were so busy being an Avenger, and you probably get girls all the time. I just jumped to the conclusion that it all meant a lot more to me than it did to you,” you look up at him, face previously buried in your hands.

“It meant something to me,” he says, “are you kidding, how could it not have? Did you hear Sam earlier? All I could talk about for weeks was how pissed I was that I didn’t ask you for your number, that I let you slip away.”

“I’m sorry for instilling the secret ban on talking about it,” you apologize to him, “and I’m sorry I left that night, I was just nervous. You make me nervous.”

“I am so un-intimidating. Thor is here, Captain America is here, they are intimidating. I’m like a 7 on a good day and all I can cook is boxed mac and cheese. Why do I make you nervous?”

“First off, shut up, you’re an 11 every day and you know it, you might be a secret genius, and you have freaking superpowers, plus you lowkey got me this job so I owe a lot to you.”

“I’m sorry if things have been weird or tense or whatever,” his cheeks turning redder than they had previously been.

“Don’t apologize, it’s a weird situation that neither one of us could have known about. And I’m the one who should be sorry if things are weird or tense.”

Peter gets up and joins you on the couch, resting his head on your shoulder. You still felt very nervous, but in a new way. You just want to lay there and hold him, let him know that you like him, that you really really like him.

“Do you think we could make it less weird?” your mouth does that thing again, saying ideas before your brain can properly filter them, “Do you think if we just kissed once it would diffuse the tension?”

You weren’t sure if this was actually a good idea, or if your brain was just trying to find a rational way to bring up to Peter how you wanted nothing more than to kiss him. You turned to him, alcohol helping with the typical nervousness and awkwardness that this situation would typically present.

“You just have to promise me,” he says, bringing one of his strong hands to cup your cheek.

“Promise you what?”

“Promise me that you’ll stop.”

“Stop?”

“Yeah, stop. Stop being pretty. Stop being funny. Stop being smart and witty and better than me at board games. Stop talking in your sleep and leaving your towel on your head for hours after you’ve gotten out of the shower. Stop doing all those things that are making this trip so hard for me. You have to promise me that you’ll stop.”

“If I promise, then you’ll kiss me?” you whisper, leaning into the hand that was pressed against your skin. He nods at you, tucking his lower lip between his teeth.

“Okay, then I promise. I’ll be mean and horrible to you for the rest of the trip. I’ll be nasty and unlikeable, and I’ll tell even more jokes than I already do, and now you won’t even have to pretend to laugh.”

He scrunches his nose at you, grinning a familiar smile as he leans into you.

“You promise?”

“Yeah, I promise.”

You part your lips slightly, his mouth hovering over yours as you take a sharp breath inward, preparing yourself. His hand snakes from your cheek to the back of your neck, pulling your lips to his and holding your head steadily, not wanting to feel your lips part from his. You latch onto his lower lip, hands coming up instinctively to cup his face.

Your eyes fluttered shut as you pull his face closer to yours. His hand on the base of your neck and your hands on his face acted as a human vice grip, locking your faces together as you felt his lips interlock with yours. You tilt your head, allowing his tongue to slip into your ready mouth.

The kiss wasn’t sexual or heated, the way a tension diffusing kiss was supposed to be, it was slow, earnest, warm.

You were drunk, but you could feel every shift and movement in his body, every maneuver of his hand. He wasn’t kissing you the way a drunk boy should kiss you, he kissed you as if you had just come home from the airport, like you just received good news, like you had known each other for much longer than this Antarctica trip.

You were the one to pull away, immediately regretting it the moment you did. You stared at him with sad eyes, not knowing what would happen next. He just stared back, not wanting to register that the kiss was over.

Before he could say anything or look at you in a way that made you feel the need to say something, you turned around, back facing him and laid back. You nuzzled your head into the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent. Taking his hand and weaving his long fingers between yours, you tell him

“I hate you,” staying true to your promise. You close your eyes and let your body fully relax into his.

“I hate you more,” he kisses the top of your head, burying his face in your hair, closing his eyes too.

[isa-ly]

HOW TO EMOTION?

TW: mental health, therapy, repression, dissociation

Today’s just one of those days where I’m questioning whether or not I’ve completely lost the ability of functioning like a normal human and kind of feel like the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz. You know, casual Friday. 

I know this is a written blog, but since I am also very much a woman of images and metaphors, I shall once again try and elaborate the issue of today’s post by making it into a well-known, kinda dead and yet very accurate pop culture meme:

I am not kidding, this is what I look and feel like in most of my therapy sessions. I’m pretty sure Kerstin would agree with me here, as the topic of feeling, or more like my inability of doing so, has been pretty much been the red string winding itself through my mental health journey so far. I mentioned it briefly in the last post, but I figured since today is just one of those pesky overthinking ones, I might just dive in a bit deeper and try to detangle my knotted thoughts into something a bit more coherent.

I’ve talked about this before to some of my closer friends and honestly, every time I tried to explain it, I just felt like an absolute mad psychopath. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I’m not, but it’s kind of hard to get people to understand what it feels like to just ... not feel. Okay, that sounds a little bit too dramatic, let me try and re-phrase it in a way that makes more sense.

I talked all about the metaphorical elephant and it’s even more metaphorical stake last time and this is kind of the extended version of that issue. The Stake Supreme, if you will. Basically, one of the earliest coping mechanisms that I picked up when I was very young, was to simply swallow down any feelings of anger, rage, sadness or hurt and pretend that they just weren’t there. Now, that’s not really something very unusual, as we generally live in a society that doesn’t leave a lot of room to healthily express or work through our emotions with the crushing weight of professional, educational, financial, social and personal pressure constantly weighing on our shoulders. So, again, I’m very well aware that me pretending that my bad feelings don’t exist, does in no way, shape or form make me a special snowflake.

It does, however, make me a very emotionally repressed and mentally inept snowflake. And that’s not really great either.

It took me many therapy sessions to figure out that what I had used as a necessary protection mechanism for all my childhood and young adulthood, had slowly but certainly turned into the root of pretty much all my current mental health issues. And here I was, thinking that mommy and daddy issues were just a try-hard-to-be-relatable brand that pseudo-depressed people on Twitter liked to use to excuse their shitty personalities. Oh no, am I one of them now? Alright, back to the point.

I’m just going to try to explain, both to myself and you, what happens in my head whenever the aforementioned process of ~A Feeling~ occurs. Where normally, I would experience something that elicits an emotion that I then experience and feel, lately (and by that I mean ever since some of the more severe of my mental issues started happening) I instead feel like the actual emotion gets stuck somewhere between having been produced and actually reaching my consciousness. In a way, to get back to that earlier visual, it feels like I’m the Tin Man. The feeling gets dropped into my empty tin chest and while I try my absolute hardest to actually feel it, it just sits there. Not really arriving, not really unfolding, just existing while remaining completely detached from me. And I continue to feel how you would imagine a man made out of tin and air would feel: hollow.

I’m trying really hard not to make another load of self-deprecating jokes here, as sharing and trying to explain this makes me beyond uncomfortable. Instead, I’m just going to keep going because that’s kind of the point of this blog. When I told my therapist what I typed up there just now, she explained to me that this strategy of processing (or lack thereof, actually), is commonly referred to as repression and dissociation. And that with my history of handling emotions (or, once again, lack thereof), it actually made quite a lot of sense for me to struggle with this.

She then went on to explain that one could imagine it like this: Whenever anything triggers an emotion to be formed (which, you know, happens quite a lot, since that’s kind of all that human brains do), my self-taught mechanism is to immediately replace it with a so called ‘non-feeling’. I know, that word seemed strange to me too in the beginning. What it means is that by having constantly invalidated and swallowed down my own feelings of anger and sadness through the course of my youth, I unintentionally created this perfect, well-oiled machine of repression that unquestioningly does its job without me even noticing. In a way, I somehow mastered the art of literally, fully and completely detaching myself from my emotions and simply viewing them as separate entities to my own mind.

Now, while that sounds like a sick villain superpower, I’m gonna be honest: It kind of fucking sucks. Especially on days like these, where old habits resurface and I once again find myself looking at my own emotions as if they were statistics on a computer, knowing that they are there, knowing that they exist within me, but for the life of me not being able to actually feel them.

That’s yet another thing I also learned in therapy. There are miles, literal continents, if not even multiverses, between rationally knowing you should feel something and actually feeling it. I’m not completely insane and oblivious, I very well know that I am capable of having emotions and that they are there and being produced by many funky chemicals working together in my brain. However, simply knowing this on an intellectual level is no where close to satisfactory if you cannot actually feel it too.

It’s like looking at ice cream, knowing that it’s there, seeing it with your own two eyes, remembering and being able to imagine the taste, the texture, the sweetness and yet never really actually being able to eat it. Never really feeling it melt it in your mouth. It remains an idea, a concept, close to smoke in thin air that you can very clearly see, and yet never really grasp.

And that, as you might be able to imagine (or even relate to, if you’ve experienced it before), is just not a lot of fun, to be quite frank. Emotional repression? Yeah, no, that one definitely gets a bad Yelp! review from me. Wouldn’t recommend. Zero stars out of five.

In addition to accidentally failing to process my own emotions (are you proud of me, mum?), there’s also the other half of the problem which is, as my therapist already mentioned, the dissociation. Now, I want to be clear here: While I’ve gotten quite a few medical diagnoses in my time in therapy, the actual condition of dissociation or dissociative disorder, which is actually a personality disorder, is not one that I ever received. The dissociation my therapist talked about, ergo the one I am experiencing, is more situational and linked to the repression. Funnily enough, it is literally happening at the current moment, while I’m writing this post.

Actually, it’s been there for every post I wrote. It is also there during almost every therapy session and whenever I attempt to talk to someone about my problems or feelings. If you ask me how I am and we get talking about my mental health, you can assume that I’ll be dissociating about two minutes into the conversation. Usually, it’s not something that is very noticeable. At least that’s what I like to believe, maybe it’s also super obvious, like my soul leaving my body, and people are simply confused or kind enough not to mention it. Who knows.

My therapist, however, did notice it, as she let me know after a few sessions, when I first tried to describe what dissociating felt like to me. “Oh, yeah, I can tell whenever it happens. I just thought I’d give you your space until you wanted to talk about it”, was what she had said. Oh, Kerstin. You’re a real keeper.

So, what does it feel like to dissociate? (I once again pretend that someone is asking so I don’t feel like I’m talking to myself about myself). It’s a little hard to explain but here’s what I have told some of the friends I have talked to about it before: Imagine from pretty much one second to the other, your entire head is filled with cotton, kind of like you’re really tired and exhausted and everything that you see or hear doesn’t really get through the thick wool that seems to have replaced your brain. Forming thoughts and staying in the moment gets harder with every minute that passes. There’s this weird pull at the back of your neck and the front of your forehead that kind of just wants you to close your eyes and drift away. Far away to somewhere where it’s quiet and cotton-y and there’s no one or nothing else around you.

It’s not just mental, it’s physical. It feels like your brain hit the shut down button without your consent, like it’s slowly closing the blinds as it gets darker and darker and you just want to fall asleep. Speaking seems to become almost painful, thinking coherent thoughts is close to impossible and following what others are saying is a million times harder all of a sudden. It’s like the world has gone out of focus and you’re trying to sharpen the lense again, to no success.

Actually, I think that a lot of people have experienced dissociative symptoms before. Not to play Dr. Freud here, but it happens quite a lot, for example during panic or anxiety attacks. Some of my friends have told me that it felt like they had suddenly left their body and were watching themselves as from across the room. That’s why often dissociating is also described as an out of body experience. Because in a way, it literally is one. 

As my therapist explained to me, and as I experience it too, it’s comparable to your brain throwing a metaphorical fuse because it’s in danger of short circuiting. My dad would be so proud if he saw me making electrician references (yes, he is a trained electrician, okay). Anyway, what I’m trying to say is: Often, when I’m exposed to emotions (and that includes talking or writing about them), my brain will run a little too hot like an old, wary car engine, and before it gets too close to exploding into a fiery death, it simply flips the switch and disconnects itself from the body and the emotions that are happening in it. Just like the repression, this is yet another safety mechanism that my brain came up with in reaction to me never really learning how to correctly process emotions. So, whenever some of those stronger feeling resurface or leak out, it tries to protect me from them by cutting the connection between the both of us.

In almost every way, it feels like I’m being locked out of my own head and can no longer really use my own brain. To someone who’s never felt that before, this might seem a little terrifying. And I agree that, objectively, it is. Knowing that the grey goo behind your skull has the power to shut out what in the ever-loving fuck is considered your conscious self, is a bit worrisome, to say the least. However, to me, it’s something that I have a) gotten very used to by now and b) in the moment don’t actually experience as something scary at all. I’m disconnected, remember?

Which is also why it’s sometimes very, very hard to get grounded again and find the way back into my own head. Like a bird that’s accidentally escaped its cage, proceeding to go fucking rogue in the living room, then crashing into a wall, all while trying to figure out what the fuck is happening while it’s on the verge of blacking out. I’ll often feel so dull and dizzy that all I really want to do is curl up and stare at a wall until eventually, my mind and body connect again and things are back to normal.

To kind of circle back to the whole theme of this post: This whole dissociation thing is very strongly connected to my tendency of emotional repression. It’s somewhat of a vicious cycle, which is why days like the one I’m having right now, can be a little tricky. It starts with me feeling empty and hollow, bim-bam-Tin-Man, and is usually followed with feelings of isolation and depression, since I cannot seem to get joy, satisfaction, or any emotion, really, out of anything. This then often leads to me trying to force some sort of emotion into myself, struggling to dig through my subconscious in hopes of finding something, anything, and eventually becoming even more frustrated. Aha! Frustration! That’s an emotion, right? It’s there! Can you feel it? I think you can, oh wow, there it is! Oh, wait, no ... no, now my head is getting heavy. Everything’s blurry. Is the feeling still there? Maybe. Who cares, just close your eyes now. So sleepy, hm ... floaty float.

Okay, sorry, that just turned into a weird combination of a badly written slam poem and a pretentious high school theater class rendition of some old play no one has ever heard of. I’ll just use the fact that I’m still dissociated as hell as an excuse for now. Wait a minute ... if I’m this spacey and zoned out right now, how am I even managing to write this post? Huh? Isa? Explain yourself!

Well, I haven’t been in therapy for nothing. It’s been over eight months of Kerstin and me figuring all of this out, finally putting a name and label to it and therefore understanding why it’s there and how it works. Which has helped me a great lot in actually handling it. That’s kind of the whole point of therapy after all, isn’t it? Don’t get me wrong: These days where I feel repressed, empty and dissociated, can still be hard and they’re rarely ever fun. They honestly make me want to bash my head against a wall in hopes that that will make it go back to normal.

But since I don’t really favour having a concussion on top of feeling depressed and detached from my body, I have learned to use other counter-measurements to help the process of finding my balance again. Rebuilding that mojo, am I right? This post is already pretty long, so I won’t go into even more detail on all the different methods and mechanisms of bouncing back, but I’ll say this much: I spent a good portion of therapy trying to learn when to push and when to rest whenever I’m feeling dissociated. And yeah, it’s a fine line and I still haven’t fully figured out how to walk it without falling from one extreme into the other.

But take this blog, for example. I know that writing it, actively facing my problems and the very strong, repressed emotions connected to them, will make me dissociate like hell. A few months ago, that would have been reason enough for me to not do it and simply ignore it again. Now, however, after working with my therapist and on myself, I have learned how to push my own limits just far enough in order to, in this case, continue to write even though it feels like my brain is about to burst into a cotton explosion. It’s a give and take, a sort of push and pull I’m playing with my own mind and head. But as time progressed, I figured out the game plan a little better, I learned my own rules and the secret short cuts and cheating methods (because come on, who really plays fair, that’s for boring losers) and the resting time it takes for me to restore my strengths again.

So, today for example, I woke up as Mr. Tin Man, progressed to being a lost, numb and rogue dissociation-bird (man, I really gotta work on my metaphors, this is just getting worse by the minute) and then decided that the best way to counter-act all of it, would be to sit down and write my lovely new blog. Has it helped? A little, yeah. It took my mind off the right things, made some others a bit worse and intense but now, I feel a little more stable and like I managed to talk some sense back into my spiraling, detached brain.

Kerstin, please tell me you’re proud of me. Because as we all know, therapy is about impressing your therapist and not about getting better for your own sake. Pft, who needs that. What do we want? Validation! When do we want it? All the time, because we never got it as a child, so now it’s the only thing we crave in life!

Yikes.

Alright. So, here we are. Since I’m still feeling a little zoned out and dopey, I’m not fully sure if everything I wrote made complete sense. But hey, while this blog is for others to read should they feel like it, it’s still mainly there for me to sort my own racing thoughts before they can spiral out of control. And I think I managed to do that just now. And I know that that feels kind of nice.

Actually, I feel it too.

P.S.: I just had to. A little self-deprecation doesn’t hurt anyone.

[purplesurveys]

766

My dad is starting to gear me up for ~adult life~ and has made me start a Paypal, a social security number, and all that jazz and it’s making me immensely anxious, so expect more surveys than usual in the next few days lmao.

How frequently are you inclined to read, and how much? Not frequent at all. I’ll read only if I have to; and when it comes to reading for leisure, I’ll only reread books I’ve already read in the past. I find it sad considering how big of a bookworm I was as a kid. When was the last time you questioned the direction your life was taking? Right now, what with the Covid crisis. My life would have been mapped out ever so neatly if my life’s schedule went as expected - finish the sem, finish my thesis, graduate, travel for a bit, get a job. Now that that has been thrown out the window I essentially have to start from scratch and go into the world blind. And if you've been reading my surveys, you’ll know my least favorite thing to have to deal with is big change. Would you say that your personal views align with society's, generally? Not the society I have no choice but to be surrounded by, which is mostly Catholic, homophobic, sexist, and just very backwards in general. But when it comes to people I voluntarily choose to be with, like the friends I make and the people I follow on social media, I make sure their views are as liberal as mine so I don’t go completely crazy. ^ If not, in what ways do your opinions drastically differ? I just said it, but yeah Filipinos continue to be very resistant to more open-minded, modern views. Girls will still often be told to cover up, religions other than Christianity are viewed as wrong and of lower status, abortion is the most scandalous thing a woman could do, drug addicts must be handled with bullets and not rehab, etc. Basically everything you can roll your eyes over, that’s what Filipinos will tend to side with; and it’s very difficult to want to have your voice heard here because you will be ridiculed and thrown Bible verses instead of legit arguments. What small things have the ability to get under your skin? People who only start picking their orders once they’re the ones at the cashier, drivers who do have their turn signal on but will go THE OTHER DIRECTION, finding out there’s a car accident and I find out traffic has been building up only because drivers slow down to look at the crash site. The last one makes me especially mad every time it happens lol.

When was the last time you were caused to be upset with someone? I haven’t been upset with anyone in a while. If I’m upset these days, blame it on the weather. ^ Have you made up with that individual yet, or will you ever? I will never be ok with the summer climate over here. What is something small that has the ability to cure a bad mood? Hearing a favorite song on the radio as I’m driving, hitting all the green lights while driving, finding a parking spot near the mall entrance... man I really miss going out :(( What beverage is best capable of quenching your thirst? Water. What was the last big change through which you went? It hasn’t happened yet but I’ll be graduating and will officially be done with school forever in a few weeks. I mean, that’s the case unless I decide to take up a master’s but honestly the chances of that are super blurry as I’m over school at this point. ^ Do you deal well with change, typically? Have you always? I am honestly terrible at it and as much as I’m excited to get my first real job, I’m also scared to see how my adjustment pans out. I’ve had a pattern for not being able to adapt well to a new phase – I didn’t adjust in high school until my junior year, and I didn’t adjust in college until the latter half of my sophomore year. I really wish the trend doesn’t continue in the workplace because I can’t handle another mental slump. How do you feel after spending a great quantity of time online? I feel nothing? I mean I need the internet to do almost everything so it’s just become a part of daily routine; it’s normalized already. I would tend to feel some shame if I’ve been unproductive online when I could’ve been doing much more important stuff, but I’ve been avoiding that - I’ve been working on my thesis again, working on stuff for my org, participating in my other extracurriculars, etc. I feel relatively productive given the current circumstances. What do you consider to be the biggest drawback to being you? Like I said, I’m terrible with change. It takes forever for me to warm up to new conditions, and in that period I tend to feel very alone and miserable. I don’t know why I’ve never learned to just get out and make friends earlier. What do you consider the best part of being who you are? ^ Related to said drawback, once I have adjusted to the change, I do very well. I make lots of friends and am back to being my bubbly, social self. I just wish She could come out more easily. What kinds of things do you have on display in your room? Several Audrey Hepburn frames, a couple of paintings, and a poster of a Korean actor. What do you think your room and its contents say about you, if anything? I think more than anything you’ll see how my interests have shifted over the years haha. There’s tons of old WWE magazines, Paramore albums, Beyoncé albums and DVDs, crafty stuff like painting sets and coloring books, etc. When was the last time you felt insecure about something/some situation? Half hour ago when my dad was encouraging me to register for a bunch of grownup stuff. He doesn’t pester me a lot in small bits everyday (which I would really prefer); he’s more of a I’ll-dump-all-this-shit-on-you-in-one-go kind of person, which pressures me even more. I mean I’m excited for this new chapter but I wish he didn’t tell me to start a bank account and a Paypal and a social security number and a TIN all at the same time. What is something about which you are very confident or self-assured? I pride myself on being a good worker/co-worker. Do you ever stop to contemplate infinity? No. Are you comfortable amongst nature, or does the wilderness discomfit you? Sure, it makes me feel at peace. When was the last time someone or something caught you off guard? Andrew did a buuuunch of progress on our thesis this afternoon after a few days of passive-aggressively telling him that I’ve been doing all the work in the last week. How much time do you put into maintaining your appearance and hygiene? I don’t want to take a lot of time since I’m usually on a tight schedule but I do put enough effort to look and smell nice, if that makes sense. Like I wouldn’t take hours to do my makeup and put up an intricate hairdo, but I will still make sure I don’t exit the house looking shabby. Are there any foods you eat daily? . . . Or wish you could? I have rice and some sort of meat everyday. When was the last time someone new entered your life? Start of the semester when we had a new wave of applicants joining our org. ^ What was your first impression of that individual? They all seemed nice and fun to be around, and I’m glad their batch has had amazing chemistry from the get-go. But because of the lockdown I never got to know them all that well so I’m a little sad about it, since I’m already graduating. Do you put much thought into your handwriting? No? It’s not really something I can control anyway haha. What are some of the top priorities in your life right now? Ugh I’ve talked about this so much on here that it’s almost stupid because I take these surveys to begin with to distract myself from my current anxieties only for the surveys to ask about said anxieties ksksksks. Can I say pass for now? Lol In general, how do you feel about romantic relationships? They’re nice, and it feels good to have a person you can share everything to, be affectionate with, who supports you in everything, etc. I’ve been used to being in one for so long now I honestly can’t imagine being single. Which emotional sensation inconveniences or bothers you the most? As if I haven’t talked about it on this single survey enough, anxiety. Are you capable of consoling others in their grief? It depends on how bad is the thing they’re grieving and how accepting they are of help. I don’t know if I’m capable of talking to someone who has lost a parent, but I’ll be able to talk to a friend who’s going through a breakup. Do you ever find it awkward to compliment another being? No. I can give compliments, but I’m unable to take them. When was the last time you had a new experience? What was it? Earlier this afternoon when my dad made me make a Paypal hahaha. Skskss plz stop reminding me of scary things Do you dress more for yourself, or to the expectations of others? A little bit of both. I want to look nice, but I also make sure I keep up with the trends so others think I look nice. What kinds of things tend to stress you out? The stuff I’ve mentioned throughout this survey... What is one way you cope when you feel like crap? I watch videos, I eat whatever I’m craving, I talk about it with my girlfriend, I hug my dog... I have a lot of coping mechanisms.

Name an insult you regularly receive, if there is one? My mom tells me so many insults on a regular basis I can put each one of them in a spinning wheel and give you whatever comes out lol. Name a site that takes up a lot of your time? YouTube. What is something you used to believe about life that you no longer do? That money was easy to acquire. It was certainly so easy to fantasize about as a kid. What is a lesson you have recently learned? I don’t recall picking up anything new lately. Realizations, sure; but I’m not sure about lessons. Do you have a tendency to look on the morbid side of life? Sometimes. When was the last time you went shopping? What did you buy? A weekend before the quarantine. I bought a couple of new tops. When you shop for clothing, how long does it take you? 10-15 minutes tops. I just pick out whatever looks pretty. What is something fun you have done within the past week? It’s been a horrid week. I can’t answer this question. What is something you hope you never have to do again? Stay at home with nothing to do for this long. How does the rain affect your mood, if it does? It makes me feel happy and at peace.

[moony-jamie]

Okay long post that may or may not be shorter than expected but here we go. (I just wrote everything and it's pretty long, I think)

This will mostly be about things that happened in the past few weeks that made me emotional? Kinda? Stuff I want to talk about aka screaming it into the void that tumblr is. (Apparently it's mostly about football and my exams)

I'll put it under a keep reading thing, hopefully it works.

Okay where do I start?

I feel like I spend more time being emotional about football than worrying about my finals. Magdeburg was involved most of the time but also football that shares one braincell and the DFB hasn't seen it in a long time.

But let's start at the beginning.

On the 8th of May 46 years ago Magdeburg won the Cup Winners' Cup. Since it looked like the season will be cancelled and Magdeburg could go into a financial crisis, the fans organised a fundraising event in which they sold tickets for an imaginary trip to Rotterdam to win the cup a second time. This started around the 5th of April and went on for a month.

Obviously I got a ticket too and spend a whole week basically camping in front of my mailbox waiting for it. It took five days and I cried when it came.

It's beautiful, I love it a lot, one of my favourite players singed it, I'm in love.

They even managed to show the game in a re-live so that's the story how I screamed and cried after my English exam because we won the cup (again).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qBL15JPO4g

And well then this video made me cry again and I feel like I spend more time crying over Magdeburg than actually studying for the exams but it's time well spend I guess.

(And no we didn't actually went to Rotterdam it was all imagination but it was great anyway)

During all of this Magdeburg desperately tried to get Milan's attention (for a possible rematch in four years for the 50th anniversary) by tweeting at them in badly translated Italian. Honestly that club is as dumb as I am and I love them a lot.

Apart from that football was all about pain the past weeks, starting with the fact that I can't scream my emotions out during football games? Like idk if it's a good coping mechanism or not but screaming for 90 minutes straight always helped me a lot.

Now I'm really mad that the DFB decided to start Bundesliga behind closed doors because first of all the Bundesliga is nothing without it's fans. Second, ending the season early would be the better option but well I told myself to calm so I will do calm.

BUT THEN they won't stop arguing about the 3. Liga and honestly I'm done with this shit. At least Magdeburg is the club with the braincells and said they want to end the season (I guess I chose the right club to stan).

The thing is Magdeburg isn't legally allowed to train or even play here in Saxony Anhalt but well apparently the DFB doesn't care and is now pressuring the politics into either allowing them to play or they will take away Magdeburg's (and Halle's) license and honestly that is so fucked up I can't believe it's actually happening.

Football, what a fun sport to stan :)

Enough about football tho, lets get into the important stuff. Or well the reason I actually took a break from tumblr.

My exams went surprisingly well despite the fact that I had to stop studying at some point because it just stressed me out.

It all started off with my Chemistry exam which was pretty easy. Besides my business administration exam it was the one that stressed me out a lot because I almost failed the mock exam and I just had a bad feeling overall.

But then I saw the tasks and everything was so easy?? Of course I started stressing again because I was finished with still an hour to go but then my classmate told me that she saw the teacher grading it and I had a lot of points already and?? I was so relieved?? Honestly I could've cried.

My English exam was the next one, two days after Chemistry.

There are two main parts in this one. The first one is the listening comprehension (nightmare of every German student) the second one is the written part.

In my school we have one room that has a very good acoustic in which the listening part wouldn't be a problem but due to Corona they talked about closing it because it might be unfair when it couldn't be used for everyone that wrote the more difficult exam (I not in the mood to explain the whole system right now but if you want to know more about it dm me).

Thursday I wrote my English teacher if she knows how it's planned right now and she confirmed that they will be using this room and that I will be in this room for the listening part. That was the first time I actually cried because of my exams.

Now English wasn't particularly bad but I have a weird feeling about it. We will see once I'll get the results.

My German exam was the next one and just like with the English exam I have a weird feeling but we'll have to see.

I got good results in both of my mocks so hopefully it will be fine.

The last one was my business administration exam and oh boy. I was stressing so much, I couldn't look at my notes without having a breakdown and it was bad, really bad.

I was praying for marketing to be a big part but of course my prayers weren't heard and there wasn't a single sign of it at all.

BUT luckily the main part of the exam was easy. Well not too easy but it was a topic where I didn't think they would make it the main part but they did. It was about loans.

Well we better don't talk about the rest of it but if my calculations are right I should get the required points.

I really don't want to get hopes up but I'm pretty sure I made it.

There is one exam left still but it will be some time around June and hopefully pretty easy so I'm not stressing too much right now.

Now that I finished the hardest part I hate how everyone was stressing me even more. People basically tell you that if you don't start studying months and months in advance you won't make it but?? No, it's not that.

I can't speak for other exams of course because well maybe we had a Corona bonus or whatever but I don't think so.

It really seems to be easy (at least for all the nightmare stories I always heard).

Also wtf F1? I walk out of my German exam and see that Vettel left Ferrari. Got my crying the whole day because well I don't mind him leaving Ferrari as much as I mind should he retire. I really don't want that.

And then I walk out of the business exam and they announce Carlos to Ferrari and Dan to McLaren. As if I wasn't emotional enough, F1 really decided to play with my feelings here huh.

But what else happened except for football and exams?

Well I walked my dog every day and saw all kind of animals during so. I don't know if it was because there were less people outside or just because we have a lot of fields and forests in general but it was pretty cool.

We saw rabbits, foxes, deers and even a snake (I only saw a wild snake once in my life so that's pretty cool)

Also managed to took a (bad) picture of a deer, isn't he cute?

Also a week ago my mom convinced me to buy a bunch of guppies for our tank and ever since we got them my betta got herself a goth girlfriend and I'm??? So soft??? For my gay fish??

They're very shy tho and I didn't manage to get a good picture of them yet but it's really cute. They're always hanging around each other.

Last week I was also able to go to the stable again since Jody isn't actually my horse and they only allowed owners on the property to stop the people from taking riding lessons.

This picture is from today, I wanted to take pictures in this field ever since I missed it last year and most of the flowers stopped blooming back then.

But I was able to go back and can go there again now that I have some free time and I'm just so happy.

Unfortunately now they aren't in full bloom either because we missed it again (thanks Corona 🙃) but the picture is nice enough so I don't mind too much.

By now I can't really think of anything else that happened.

As I said I'm now working on my Fanfiction. In theory I wanted it to be done by the end of May but I don't think I will make it but I'm not stressing myself with it either. Every chapter is more or less plotted so I hope writing will go by a little easier.

I don't know how many people actually read it until this point but if you did, thanks 💙

I'm just happy that I got all of it of my chest now since I wanted to talk about all this but I was getting tired to annoy my mom with it.

[kanasmusings]

[Translation] TsukiPro Yaminabe Drama Track 5 - “Gray Fate”

AH!! I completely forgot to post this translation! I had it in my Word drafts and I was going through them thinking like I was forgetting something orz Anyway, here it is~! You’ll bear witness to doting Papa Kurotsuki Dai in this drama track~! They also talk a lot about destiny www 

The focus is on the managers this time around~! After this will be Arata’s drama tracks and the rest of the Yaminabe Vol. 2 tracks~ 

※ Please don’t re-post the English translations without permission. Please just like/reblog them instead ^^

Under the cut, enjoy~!

Track 05: [灰色の運命] “Gray Fate”

[0:00]

  KUROTSUKI: (sighs) My oshis, Procella, were super cute and cool today, too~!

HAIDUKI: I won’t deny that they were but, are you alright in the head?

KANADE: (nervous chuckle) Haiduki, your real thoughts are coming out.

KUROTSUKI: Hey, you guys!

HAIDUKI: (laughs) I was just kidding!

KUROTSUKI: Geez, this is my happy time admiring the unit I’m in charge of, you know?

KUROTSUKI: Don’t make fun of me for it.

KUROTSUKI: I mean, look! Look, Haiduki! Look at this magazine that was sold today~!

(Kurotsuki waves a magazine in front of Haiduki)

KUROTSUKI: It started with a poster but now, the special feature for them is 26 pages!

KUROTSUKI: There’s multiple pages for each of them~!

HAIDUKI: Oh~? Isn’t that amazing?

KUROTSUKI: Man, for real~!! When I think of how the little baby birds I was raising then would be given a special feature like this, I~

KUROTSUKI: (sighs dreamily) It makes me reminisce~

HAIDUKI: (quietly) It’s not like… I’m jealous or anything.

KANADE: (chuckles before whispering to Haiduki) I’m so sorry about Kurotsuki being so lively, Haiduki.

HAIDUKI: Ah, no, it’s okay!

KANADE: I think that’s a coping mechanism for him.

HAIDUKI: Coping…?

KANADE: Hm… It seems like his mother back home kept grinding him about when he’ll get married or if he already has a girlfriend and all that.

HAIDUKI: Ah, I see now. Kurotsuki-san’s mother does send matchmaking pictures to the agency.

HAIDUKI: I’m pretty sure she really wants him to get married. That mountain of files on Kurotsuki-san’s desk…

HAIDUKI: Weren’t they all matchmaking pictures?

KANADE: Hm… I have met his mother and greeted her but normally, she’s a very kind and compassionate woman.

KANADE: But, lately… There have been people bragging about their grandchildren in their neighbourhood so… You know…?

HAIDUKI: Hm, I understand the situation now. People marry early in local areas like that and it’s like marriage is an absolute must-do thing, huh?

HAIDUKI: Kurotsuki-san’s hometown is in Aomori, isn’t it?

KANADE: Yeah, and so…

KUROTSUKI: Ah~! This cut is so cool! Maybe I’ll take it with me and decorate my room with it~

KUROTSUKI: This is what they call a manager’s privilege, right~? AHAHAHAHAHA!!!

KANADE: His super doting “I love my children~” is worse than normal…

HAIDUKI: Isn’t that just called “running away from reality”?

KANADE: (chuckles) I won’t correct you there.

[02:33]

  HAIDUKI: Kurotsuki-san, who’s my senpai as a manager, and is seven years older than I am is—

HAIDUKI: His former job was an SP, a bodyguard in the Metropolitan Police Department’s special defences department.

HAIDUKI: He was a policeman in charge of protecting important people, in other words.

HAIDUKI: That man who has a strange history of professions, stands taller than me even though I’m already 180 cm tall.

HAIDUKI: He’s a good man with a good build.

HAIDUKI: Since he is often in shot on camera with those important people, it seems like he worked on having a manly build fitting for an SP. He’s pretty smart, too.

HAIDUKI: And yet these past years, not only does he have no girlfriend but he doesn’t seem to be interested at all.

HAIDUKI: And because of his mother’s fretting, his desk has slowly become a stockpile of matchmaking session pictures.

HAIDUKI: Normally, it’s one’s own decision if they want to get married or not. I think it’s no big deal if one chooses not to get married but…

HAIDUKI: It’s undeniable that his “papa tendencies” towards the unit he’s in charge of has increased since he passed 30 years old.

HAIDUKI: Before, we joked about calling our units our “kids” but lately, he’s been taking it so seriously…

(Haiduki starts remembering what Kurotsuki once told him)

KUROTSUKI: My kids are so cute…!

HAIDUKI: (sighs) Honestly, it’s a bit scary…

HAIDUKI: Of course, since he’s a capable manager, he never excessively dotes on his unit when they’re on set.

HAIDUKI: But, when he’s talking about them, it’s like he’s a different person and his eyes shine so proudly.

HAIDUKI: Excited and sparkling eyes, really.

HAIDUKI: And I slightly, just slightly, understand why his mother, who probably wants to do the same thing, would want to tell him to hurry up and get married so he can have his own kids.

[04:45]

  KUROTSUKI: Shun’s as carefree as usual and the photographer had a bit of trouble giving instructions to him but, it’s because of his very playful heart that they could come up with something like this! Isn’t that amazing~?!

KUROTSUKI: Look, look! They look so amazing~! They’re works of art, right~??

KUROTSUKI: Man, it’s cute, huh~? It’s troubling, isn’t it~? My kids are so cute and so cool!

HAIDUKI: Please calm down, Father.

KUROTSUKI: As if I can! It’s my children’s best looks yet, got it?

HAIDUKI: It’s not rare for Procella to get featured in magazines, you know?

KUROTSUKI: You don’t understand! You just can’t, Haiduki!

KUROTSUKI: No matter how small an article it is or no matter how small the picture is, every page of my kids’ best looks are important!

HAIDUKI: Yes, yes. I understand that it’s special but please, arrange the papers on your desk. Some of them are spilling over to my desk.

HAIDUKI: I’ll throw them away if you don’t.

(Kurotsuki panics and stands up quickly from his chair)

KUROTSUKI: AHHH!!! YOU GLASSES-WEARING FIEND!

HAIDUKI: Glasses-wearing fiend?!

KANADE: Please let him off the hook, Haiduki. I said this a while ago but Kurotsuki’s been tired lately.

KANADE: He got a very long call from his mother right after he came back from a location shoot.

KANADE: It seemed like they talked for three hours about why he won’t go to a matchmaking session.

KANADE: He’s a bachelor who just wants to escape from reality.

HAIDUKI: I guess you’re right~

HAIDUKI: But really? For three hours? That’s kinda like a long movie already, huh?

KUROTSUKI: Don’t say it! Don’t make me remember! I’m in the middle of doting on my cute children!

HAIDUKI: Eh…? Kurotsuki-san… Aren’t you being teary-eyed…?

KUROTSUKI: I’m not crying! Even though I want to…!

HAIDUKI: (nervous chuckle) There, there. The people of the Kurotsuki Household are passionate in a lot of ways, huh?

HAIDUKI: Their love is deep or rather… Heavy, I should say…?

KUROTSUKI: Don’t say it! I’ve started thinking that, too…

KANADE: (chuckles) Kurotsuki, how about trying to go to one matchmaking session at least?

KUROTSUKI: Impossible!

KANADE: Why? If you go to one, won’t your mom feel at ease for a bit? You might get to meet someone great, you know?

KANADE: Maybe they’ll be your “destined person” or something similar~

HAIDUKI: Destiny? Kurotsuki-san, you were wishing to meet your soulmate?

KUROTSUKI: Sh-shut up! It’s not bad to wish, right? In any case, a matchmaking session is a no-go!

KANADE: It’s okay! We’re not telling you to abandon those feelings. We’re just saying to try a matchmaking session once in a while.

KANADE: Your destiny and romance might be waiting beyond, you know~?

KUROTSUKI: If I say it’s impossible then, it’s impossible!

KANADE: (laughs) You’re so hard to convince, huh? I don’t think it’s something you should reject strongly though.

HAIDUKI: He’s right, Kurotsuki-san. Don’t say that love can’t happen in a matchmaking session.

HAIDUKI: It’s a great way to meet, too, after all.

HAIDUKI: How about entertaining your mom’s wishes once in a while instead of just focusing on work?

KANADE: Yeah. My parents got married via matchmaking session, too. They get along very well even now.

KUROTSUKI: EH?!

HAIDUKI: (suddenly standing up) Is that true?!

KANADE: Yeah, it is.

KUROTSUKI/HAIDUKI: I can imagine…

KANADE: E-eh…? Is it even common to have parents who got married via a matchmaking session?

HAIDUKI: Ah, no, somehow… It’s the atmosphere…?

KUROTSUKI: You might think this laughable but…

HAIDUKI: Hm?

KUROTSUKI: I think this is fate, too.

KANADE: “This” being?

KUROTSUKI: My meeting with Procella.

KUROTSUKI: It might not be with a “soulmate” and all but, I think that this is destiny, too.

KUROTSUKI: I mean, even though it’s not love or if we’re not related, to be able to think “I want to treasure them!” or “I want to support them!”… I think it’s kind of like fate, too.

KUROTSUKI: No, it’s destiny without a doubt.

KANADE: Kurotsuki…

HAIDUKI: Kurotsuki-san…

KUROTSUKI: That’s why… I want to spend more time with this “destiny” of mine. Just to see how far I can go with them, you know?

HAIDUKI/KANADE: (smiles)

KANADE: Kurotsuki…

HAIDUKI: Kurotsuki-san.

HAIDUKI/KANADE: Your love is too heavy.

KUROTSUKI: WHAT?! That’s how you react?! This is where you’re supposed to be moved since you’re both managers, too!

KUROTSUKI: Listen, you guys! As a manager—

(Kurotsuki knocks the coffee on his desk and it spills on his papers)

KUROTSUKI: AH!

(Things continue to get knocked off his desk)

KUROTSUKI: AHHHHHH!!!!!!

HAIDUKI: W-wait, Kurotsuki-san!

KANADE: Ahhh, go get some tissues!

KUROTSUKI: My precious magazine!!!

(Kurotsuki begins sobbing loudly)

KANADE: This is because you were getting too wild.

HAIDUKI: I told you to not— Just hurry and bring some tissues, come on!

(Their voices fade out)

[09:34]

  HAIDUKI: Hm… Destiny, huh…

SHIKI: Haiduki, is something wrong?

HAIDUKI: Ah. (chuckles) Just a little something.

SHIKI: Hm? Ah, what is it?

HAIDUKI: Oh, it’s nothing. I was just thinking about how you have the eyes of a music idiot. (smiles)

SHIKI: Huh? You’re being rude all of a sudden.

HAIDUKI: (laughs)

HAIDUKI: Those narrow and straightforward eyes are definitely the eyes of a music idiot.

HAIDUKI: They look dull but they’re very sharp and yet sometimes, it’s the opposite.

HAIDUKI: He’s a music idiot and a work-a-holic to boot. He was my co-worker before but now, he’s the leader of the unit I’m in charge of.

HAIDUKI: I think that his simple honesty towards people is really very fun. He’s that kind of guy.

HAIDUKI: That kind of guy made a unit and I, under direct orders of the President, became their manager.

HAIDUKI: They’re all very unique on their own but, unlike me, they’re kinda like me when it comes to not bearing any ill will at all.

HAIDUKI: They’re all beautiful, they’re smart, and their personalities are… Well, they’re quite honest.

HAIDUKI: No matter what angle you look at it from, it looks like they’re all living the easy life and yet, they’re a unit who was formed because they’re all still somewhat awkward and pure.

HAIDUKI: That’s who SolidS is.

[11:25]

  HAIDUKI: Hey, Shiki. Do you think that “destiny” exists?

SHIKI: Hm? That’s pretty sudden. Did you fall in love at first sight in a bar again?

HAIDUKI: Again, you say. You sure bring up some old stuff. That’s from a pretty long time ago, isn’t it?

SHIKI: As if I’d know. You’re a guy who’s fickle and has a lot of love to give after all.

HAIDUKI: What sort of false information is that? I’m unexpectedly wholehearted, you know?

HAIDUKI: So? Shiki, do you believe that destiny exists?

SHIKI: … “Destiny” sounds dramatically romantic but, at the same time, it’s fickle and unreasonable.

SHIKI: That’s why, I don’t overthink too much on the topic of destiny.

SHIKI: Destiny is something you grab with your own power.

SHIKI: Though, I might put something different if it’s for a lyric.

HAIDUKI: (laughs) That answer’s so like you!

SHIKI: I feel like I’m being made fun of if you laugh after I answered but… You’re the one who asked, aren’t you?

HAIDUKI: I’m not making fun of you. I just—I just really felt like laughing after thinking that answer is something you’d definitely say.

SHIKI: Isn’t that normally making fun of someone?

HAIDUKI: There, there~ It means “It’s so like Shii-kun that it’s wonderful~”

SHIKI: Hm. I wonder why I can’t honestly accept it when Fumi-chan says it like that~?

HAIDUKI: You’re so mean~

  HAIDUKI: I don’t know if being with SolidS is my destiny or not.

HAIDUKI: But… I’ll make sure to work my best to make it my own destiny.

HAIDUKI: It’s true that it’s fun providing back-up for them. To someone like me who rarely gets excited over anything, that much is already amazing.

HAIDUKI: It might be enough.

HAIDUKI: I… I put my destiny in my own hands with my own power.

  ==END==

※ Please don’t re-post the English translations without permission. Please just like/reblog them instead ^^

[stevenuniversallyreviews]

Episode 122: Tiger Philanthropist

“It’s like the sequel no one asked for.”

Adventure Time is technically a serial, but rather than one continuous story it’s a hodgepodge of multiple meandering plots that get checked up on at random over the course of its 283-episode run. For instance, minor character Maja the Sky Witch was introduced in Episode 133 (Sky Witch), yelling at the end that she’s planning “something big,” and we got that follow-up a full year later in Episode 166 (Something Big; let it not be said that these episodes aren’t named well). Virtually no mention of Maja was made between these episodes, but Something Big served as a direct sequel, beginning in the middle of a huge battle as if we knew it was coming, and we just went with it. That, for better and worse, is the spirit of Adventure Time's long-term structure. Episodes can be about any character in its vast world, and we jump around so much that it feels like anything could happen.

Steven Universe takes a different approach, aided by a singular focus on Steven's point of view. It also has distant sequel episodes, but it’s easier to keep track of these connected stories because of a more unified through-line. I mentioned in The New Crystal Gems that I’d like to see more character interactions that are restricted by this focus (give us an episode about Peridot making avant-garde metal-powered multi-instrumental music with Sour Cream, you cowards), but it’s still generally a positive from a plotting standpoint to keep things Steven-centric. 

For the most part, I’m a huge fan of distant sequel episodes in both Adventure Time and Steven Universe despite them being such different beasts. But while the random “hey remember this storyline?” in media res variant works well in a zany show that bounces from plot to plot, Tiger Philanthropist is proof that this type of sequel doesn’t work quite as well on a show with a more traditional structure.

The premise of Tiger Philanthropist hinges on the idea that Steven and Amethyst have been wrestling this whole time. But, as we might see in an Adventure Time sequel episode, we’ve gotten zero references to this subplot between the first and second episode of the story. We never see Steven and Amethyst coming back from a gig. We never hear them talking about it in passing. We never see the tiger mask lying around to indicate recent use. The Brothers Construction and Good-Looking Gang even feel like Adventure Time one-off characters, as they’re for some reason never seen outside of a wrestling context despite Steven Universe otherwise doing pretty well at building a sense of reliable locals and background characters.

Bear in mind that we just had a whole arc about Amethyst’s inferiority complex in terms of physical ability, and at no point did the coping mechanism that she’s apparently been using this whole time come up. The thrust of Tiger Philanthropist is that she’s moved on from the need to use wrestling as an outlet for her issues, but when we haven’t even thought about Tiger Millionaire outside of a few Purple Puma cameos and maybe a poster or two early in our first season, it strains credibility to be told that she still was using wrestling as an outlet for her issues. I’m too focused on the hamfisted retconning to get invested in this story. It’s as if we got an episode about Garnet deciding to stop going to the arcade and Steven is bummed because oh by the way we forgot to mention it but she and Steven have been playing co-op Meat Beat Mania every Thursday since Arcade Mania and it’s a major part of their relationship.

Steven Universe is at its weakest when the crew seemingly forgets key plot points: episodes like House Guest forget a character’s established personality, episodes like Sadie’s Song forget Steven’s development from bratty to empathetic, and both Malachite and Bismuth go unmentioned for huge swaths of the show during times when they would’ve been relevant to discuss or feature. Underground wrestling might be less pivotal than the long-term bubbling of an old friend, it’s just as frustrating for the thread to be completely ignored until it becomes relevant again. Because it’s not like the show always does this: look at Connie’s training, which has focus episodes here and there but is also background noise in other episodes to let it feel like a consistent part of her life. Mindful Education would’ve been a disaster if Connie started training in Sworn to the Sword and then we didn’t mention it at all until she accidentally tossed a classmate.

And really, imagine if at least one of the episodes in Amethyst’s big Act II arc was in the ring. We easily could’ve had Tiger Millionaire accidentally eclipsing Purple Puma as a catalyst for her self-doubt (among many other possibilities that this crew could conceive better than I) and it would’ve made Tiger Philanthropist feel so much better. But I can’t write about that, because that’s not what happened.

What sucks is that I love Tiger Millionaire and am all for more wrestling. Despite my snotty header quote choice about unwanted sequels, I was super excited for Tiger Philanthropist, and that glorious music brought me right back into the zone as the episode began. But the wind went right out of my sails when it became clear that we’re to believe Tiger Millionaire and Purple Puma are fixtures of the wrestling scene, and that it’s an activity that’s super important to Steven as a way of bonding with Amethyst.

And there are plot elements here that, in an episode with better context, would get a chance to shine. In a world where we knew Amethyst and Steven were wrestling for around two years, this would’ve been a pretty emotional conclusion to a relationship that began in the show’s early days (not that Steven and Amethyst would stop hanging out, but it’s always bittersweet when an important phase of your life is over). It would’ve served as a great acknowledgment of how Amethyst has moved on with her life if we saw the part of her life she was moving on from. We could’ve felt Steven’s sense of loss, and the surge of relief when Purple Puma returns for one last ride. If you transported this exact episode into a series that built up to it in any way, it would be a classic. But we aren’t watching that series.

It’s a little fun that I’m unsatisfied with a follow-up where an entertainer reacts to a fan being unsatisfied with a follow-up. Much like Season 2′s Mombo Combo, two thematically linked episodes about moms separating the Week of Sardonyx from Peridemption, we get two episodes in a row about fan interaction to buffer Steven’s long day in space from the continuation of his mother issues culminating in another trip to space. Unfortunately I can’t think of as good a name for Rocknaldo and Tiger Philanthropist as a unit as “Mombo Combo” (the Fandom Menace?) but nobody’s perfect.

Lars plays a fascinating role here, because the easy option would be making him an entitled fan a la Ronaldo who wants things to go just the way he likes. And to be clear, Lars does want things to go a certain way. But he’s not dictating the terms or saying he needs Tiger Millionaire to act exactly how he wants, he’s just frustrated by a new development that seems out of step with his favorite wrestler. Even when asked directly about what he'd like to happen, Lars doesn’t know, because he hasn’t confused his fandom with the notion that he gets to dictate the specifics about the thing he likes.

(I try to be the same way, but I also definitely wrote a spiel about how Tiger Millionaire and Purple Puma should’ve been present during Amethyst’s latest arc like five paragraphs ago. Again, nobody’s perfect.)

It helps that Lars doesn’t understand that Steven is Tiger Millionaire (a repeat gag that I’d probably find funnier if I felt more charitable about the episode), so he’s unaware that he’s speaking with the creator of the content he enjoys; perhaps he’d be singing a different tune if he knew the truth. But as it is, we get a surprisingly generous interpretation of a demanding fan, allowing us to see the ethos behind Lars’s disappointment instead of writing him off as an entitled fanboy with impossible expectations. The timing of Tiger Philanthropist fits perfectly with Lars’s imminent moment in the sun, as he’s still prickly but has enough layers by now that I don’t roll my eyes too hard when he up and calls himself complex.

I don’t talk about the visuals of this show as much as I should, considering how creative the settings and weird alien vehicles and structures can get. But it bears mentioning that, aside from some weird conspicuous computer graphics for falling money, Tiger Philanthropist looks great. The stylized snapshots provide moments of goofy flair to the mix, and the heightened drama of the ring leads to some excellent lighting that shadows Steven’s face as a hooded stranger and makes Purple Puma look like an honest-to-goodness superhero. We get fun choreography and costumes befitting a wrestling episode, and some premium character expressions throughout.

And it’s funny! Colton Dunn remains a worthy successor to Sinbad, giving us not one but two great gags of Mr. Smiley joyfully defining a word to the audience (both in the ring and at home); explaining “philanthropist” is funny enough on its own for how cheesy it is, but I’m really tickled that he gives the same weight to “sea wasp.” Really, this episode has so much going for it if the central idea wasn’t such a misfire.

As you may have guessed by this review, I obviously think it’s valid to criticize aspects of art that you don’t like. So in theory, it sounds awesome to have artists respond to such criticism to make a product that you as a fan enjoy more. But we now live in an age where absolute garbage like CinemaSins allows people to pretend that productive criticism is just nitpicks, an inability or refusal to understand basic nuance, and frankly bigoted ideas about what certain people are capable of doing (if you have half an hour to spare, Everything Wrong About Everything Wrong About Civil War delightfully gets into all three!). It’s a double-edged sword, because creators listening to fans perhaps isn’t inherently bad, but a desperation to fill in “plot holes” at the expense of good storytelling is detrimental to modern storytelling (if you have another half an hour to spare, watch Lindsay Ellis’s take on Beauty and the Beast for more on this; this is a review with homework!). And this is on top of the potential of harassment covered in Rocknaldo, which not even the lousiest content creator deserves.

Tiger Philanthropist isn’t about bad faith criticism, as Lars’s views are from a sincere place, but its message of not treating fans like bosses is a valid response to fandoms who want more and more influence over the direction of an artist’s work. Which could’ve veered towards self-importance or hackneyed nods to the camera, so I appreciate that I never feel pulled out of this element of the story. We never shift from a regular episode of the show to a screed from the animators, and again, Lars isn’t villainized for not enjoying Tiger Millionaire’s face turn. Combined with Rocknaldo, we can see how important good boundaries between fans and creators can be, both for the well-being of the people involved and the quality of the art being created. Shirt Club gave us a tribute to making art, and the Fandom Menace (it’s growing on me) sees a more experienced team of animators commenting on a specific issue when creating popular art, all while not coming across as bitter or self-congratulatory. If only they’d done it in an episode with more buildup! 

Obviously the creation of a big letdown wasn’t the intent of the crew, despite how neat it’d be to demonstrate fan disappointment through a purposefully disappointing episode. Rarely do I feel like effort isn’t made to produce a good episode of Steven Universe, and as seen in its strengths, Tiger Philanthropist isn’t lazy. Which makes it a little more frustrating than if they phoned it in, because we’ve got jokes and visuals and a great message but none of it matters when the conflict they wrote requires a backstory they didn’t have. If you’re gonna make an episode about the end of a continuity, it’s critical for literally any amount of that continuity to be established beyond one wayward story over a hundred episodes ago. As it is, I couldn’t wait for this episode to retire.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

Tiger Philanthropist was a huge disappointment, but I wouldn’t consider it bad enough to go on my No Thanks! list. With a different leadup of episodes it would be great, or at least fine; it just suffers from a plot that comes out of nowhere. Context can’t salvage my bottom list, which are episodes I just don’t like period. Still, if I was doing more thorough ranking, it’s probably in my bottom ten.

Top Twenty

Steven and the Stevens

Hit the Diamond

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

Last One Out of Beach City

The Return

Jailbreak

The Answer

Mindful Education

Sworn to the Sword

Rose’s Scabbard

Earthlings

Mr. Greg

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Beach City Drift

Winter Forecast

Bismuth

Steven’s Dream

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Ocean Gem

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

Warp Tour

The Test

Future Vision

On the Run

Maximum Capacity

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Joy Ride

Keeping It Together

We Need to Talk

Chille Tid

Cry for Help

Keystone Motel

Catch and Release

When It Rains

Back to the Barn

Steven’s Birthday

It Could’ve Been Great

Message Received

Log Date 7 15 2

Same Old World

The New Lars

Monster Reunion

Alone at Sea

Crack the Whip

Beta

Back to the Moon

Kindergarten Kid

Buddy’s Book

Gem Harvest

Three Gems and a Baby

That Will Be All

The New Crystal Gems

Storm in the Room

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Open Book

Story for Steven

Shirt Club

Love Letters

Reformed

Rising Tides, Crashing Tides

Onion Friend

Historical Friction

Friend Ship

Nightmare Hospital

Too Far

Barn Mates

Steven Floats

Drop Beat Dad

Too Short to Ride

Restaurant Wars

Kiki’s Pizza Delivery Service

Greg the Babysitter

Gem Hunt

Steven vs. Amethyst

Bubbled

Adventures in Light Distortion

Gem Heist

The Zoo

Rocknaldo

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

Say Uncle

Super Watermelon Island

Gem Drill

Know Your Fusion

Future Boy Zoltron

Tiger Philanthropist

No Thanks!

     6. Horror Club      5. Fusion Cuisine      4. House Guest      3. Onion Gang      2. Sadie’s Song      1. Island Adventure

[mothercetrion]

Truest Apologies (Repost)

Summary: Sektor had never felt so guilty.

Characters: Sub-Zero (Kuai Liang), Sektor, Cyrax, Smoke (Tomas Vrbada), Bi-Han and Saibot

Word Count: 1940

i wanted to write a fic about sektor and his mind after being human again… it’s sad. he feels mega guilty and kinda breaks down over it. be warned! but enjoy [crossposted to AO3] reposting bc this didnt show up in the tags the first time and im mad

———

None of the Lin Kuei boys were able to live well at first.

Kuai Liang had settled all of them—Bi-Han (and Saibot), Tomas, Cyrax, and Sektor—in his bedroom from the moment they arrived at the temple. All of them had their own cots to sleep on right near Kuai Liang’s bed; if they were unable to sleep, had a nightmare, or began to break down, then he would be right there for them. He knew that he often needed someone by his side to be at ease when he was revived. He wanted to be the most supportive that he could possibly be.

And he was.

Bi-Han was rarely able to get to sleep without assistance. He tried to keep his anguish to himself, but he frequently failed. Kuai Liang often let him vent his worries and fears and nightmarish thoughts to him until he was exhausted. He slept then, and only then, on most nights. He would wake in a fright, and Kuai Liang would wake up immediately. He had a sense, a vague feeling, that told him whenever his brother woke up. He would ease his panicking mind with firm words—“You are Bi-Han. Noob is gone. You’re okay. You’re gonna be okay.”—and a comforting hug. Bi-Han was usually quick to calm, but he was always clearly frazzled and was unable to go back to sleep quickly.

Tomas was often just working to convince himself that he did not need any assistance. He slept decently and rarely woke up, but when he did, he simply could not stop crying. Quiet, pained, agonizing sobs escaped him as Kuai Liang held him close. He dreamt of his torture in the Netherrealm, mostly, but he also dreamt of his narrow escape from cyberization. He dreamt of his best friends being forced into cyberization and living a hellish life with seemingly no escape or happiness. The thought of his best friends in danger scared him the most. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he would mumble into Kuai Liang’s chest. He felt guilty that he could not save them from cyberization; it haunted him. Kuai Liang always assured him that it was not his fault. It wasn’t. He was always left on edge the next morning, but he was quick to find himself in a good state. It was his coping mechanism, acting as if things weren’t awful, Kuai Liang assumed.

Cyrax did not sleep. At all. Not at first. Kuai Liang would wake with the others and see him awake and looking out the window. Kuai Liang saw fear in his eyes, all the time. He would help one of the others and sit next to him and offer him an ear to listen to. He just looked at him and would get teary-eyed, but he never let them fall. He would describe his life as a cyborg and the agony that came with it. He would say that his yellow, metal body haunted him when he closed his eyes for too long. He couldn’t bear to sleep. Kuai Liang would sit with him and talk through his feelings with him. It was easy for them to connect; they were both cyborgs and experienced the same thing. Cyrax never felt alone with Kuai Liang there.

But one of them refused to ask for help and never acted as he needed it… Sektor.

He acted okay when they all hung out. Never seemed to let his thoughts about being a cyborg get to him. He comforted others when they needed it, namely Cyrax, who was close with him and was a cyborg alongside him, but he always looked vaguely uncomfortable. He was on edge, always ready for something to jump out at him, to the most trained eyes. But his voice and his actions never reflected that. He acted as if his mind was in pristine condition.

Kuai Liang knew it wasn’t the case. He had to be, at some level or another, traumatized. Only the most heartless of people could be revived or saved and not be traumatized. Sektor wasn’t heartless. Not even close.

Nearly two weeks went by. One evening, when the others were all training outside the temple and Sektor remained inside, Kuai Liang sat next to him and watched the others outside. It was hardly considered a serious training session; Tomas and Cyrax were trying to convince Saibot to trip Bi-Han at any given moment. They were all laughing and smiling. It was great fun.

“Not want to join them?” Kuai Liang asked with a small smile.

Sektor shook his head, his long hair swaying. He hadn’t worn it up since his restoration. “I wanted to sit out this time.”

“Next time, we both join?”

“For sure. I’m off my game.”

Kuai Liang chuckled to himself, but he then realized why he even sat down next to him in the first place.

Tomas was the first to come to him in fear for Sektor’s mental state. He was well aware that he and the others were not the best mentally, and he knew that no one who had ever been revived was perfect minded immediately. He knew that Sektor wasn’t in his prime. It was impossible. He refused to train, refused to hang out with the others like they insisted he did. He was not himself, and Tomas knew that. “He was one of my best friends. I don’t even know who he is now,” he had said.

Cyrax was the next to come to him. He said that he had seen Sektor alone in a corridor of the temple very late one eve, when he left the room to use the bathroom. He was sitting on the floor of the corridor and having a nervous breakdown into his palms. The second that he heard Cyrax’s footsteps, he jumped up and ran outside the temple, refusing to let him get close. Cyrax knew that his mind was not as good as he let on. He was scared for him.

The most concerned, by far, was Bi-Han. While Sektor washed up before dinner one evening, he came to his younger brother with worry all over his face. He was very close with Sektor before the tournament took place, and he was nothing like he was before the tournament. The Sektor he knew and cared about was very serious about training and staying in shape, and he was always there to encourage the other Lin Kuei to do the same. But upon their revival, Sektor was distant from the others. He wasn’t himself, not even close. Sektor refused to speak with Bi-Han like they had in the past; it felt as though they were strangers. Bi-Han believed that Kuai Liang was the only one that could reach him.

“Are you doing well, Sektor?” he asked after a few minutes of silence.

Sektor kept looking outside the temple. His shoulders went stiff. “Getting by,” he mumbled.

“Please don’t lie to me, Sektor.” Kuai Liang frowned at him. “I know your mind is racing. You are not unbreakable like you want to believe.”

“I’m fine, Kuai Liang.” Sektor looked away from the outside of the temple, hiding his face from the Grandmaster. “Please do not push it anymore.”

Kuai Liang remembered back to his own revival. Sometimes, being alone with his thoughts was just what he needed. So he dropped the topic and changed it to something else.

The rest of the evening went by smoothly. The others had been able to sleep better, and Kuai Liang went to sleep alongside them without a worry in the world.

But then he woke up when someone shook him awake. He was met with the sight of Sektor standing above him, shaking like a leaf in a storm. He was crying. Hard.

“Sektor?” Kuai Liang sat up in a flash, concern all over his face. “Sektor, what’s wrong?”

He couldn’t speak. Sektor attempted to, but a strained sob forced itself out instead. Kuai Liang immediately climbed out of bed and grabbed one of his hands, pulling him towards the exit of the room. “Let’s go outside so the others don’t wake up. Come on.”

The two hurried out of the room and outside the temple. Snow fell in gentle flakes, despite it being springtime. The two sat on the concrete steps outside the temple, and Sektor raised his free hand to his eyes and hid them from sight. He let out another sob, his shoulders jerking.

“Sektor, talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong,” Kuai Liang said gently, leaning towards him and squeezing his hand. “You’re worrying me.”

Sektor forced in a breath and looked Kuai Liang in the eye. “I’m so sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“I—” Sektor choked back another sob, taking another deep breath. “I pushed for cyberization. I said it would be a-a good thing, a-and it wasn’t at all. It hurt you and it hurt Cyrax and—”

“You had no way of knowing that it would end like that, Sektor,” Kuai Liang assured.

“I should’ve.” Sektor released Kuai Liang’s hand and turned himself away in shame. “I never imagined that it would be so awful… I-I let my best friends get traumatized over my own selfish needs. I can’t even think about it without wanting to break, and I can’t because it was my idea and I deserve to feel that pain. Cyrax doesn’t deserve to feel that. Seeing him break down… it hurts me so deeply.” He wiped fresh tears off of his cheeks. “I know it traumatized you too. You are one of my closest friends, and I hurt you.”

“Do you live with bad memories, Sektor?”

Sektor nodded. “Every day. It’s a nightmare every night, fear of technology and growth and the people who let me do that… It was so far from good, Kuai Liang.” He looked him in the eye then. He looked scared. “I feel so guilty. I can’t even be near my friends without feeling so horribly guilty.”

Kuai Liang lifted a hand and put it on his upper arm. “You never would have done that if you did not feel like it was for the better. Don’t feel guilty.”

“…You must hate me, surely. Cyrax too.”

“Neither of us do. Not even a little.” Kuai Liang rubbed his hand along his arm in a comforting fashion. “We worry about you. All of us. You are still one of our best friends. We know you would never put us through that on purpose.” He smiled softly. “We want you to come to us about your feelings, Sektor. We know you’re not coping well. No one is.”

Sektor looked down at his lap in shame. “I am already part of the reason that you experienced trauma… I do not want to be a burden. You have so much to deal with right now anyway.”

“You can always come to me. No matter what.” Kuai Liang squeezed his bicep, causing Sektor to look up. “Promise you’ll come to me in the future? And not let your guilt consume you? We care about you and love you, Sektor.”

Sektor smiled softly and nodded. “I promise. Thank you, Kuai Liang. I… I feel a lot better.”

Without another word, the two men hugged on the concrete steps of the temple. Kuai Liang rubbed his back in a comforting fashion when Sektor leaned all of his weight against his shoulder. He desperately needed that hug.

One day at a time, Kuai Liang knew. It would take one day at a time for things to be normal again.

But that was a good enough start for him.

[roxannarambles]

Roxy Rambles About Mystic Messenger (& mostly 707)

So, last year, I saw one of my online friends posting screenshots on their twitter. It looked like some kind of chatroom, but their tweets referred to it as a game, so I got confused and asked them about it. They explained it was actually a phone game-- specifically, a story-focused dating game aimed at a primarily female audience, also known as an otome. 

(click below for full post. Caution: contains major spoilers for Mystic Messenger, as well as opinions. oh gosh. opinions oh no.)

Amused, I downloaded the game just to satiate my curiosity. And what I found was pleasantly more engaging and well-done then I had expected. While I wouldn’t call the writing of Mystic Messenger to be consistently fantastic-- there are ups and downs-- there are definitely plenty of spots that are downright poignant.

There’s a cast of characters to choose from, of course, as these games go, and you can choose to date them one at a time to play out all the endings of the game. First I dated this young college boy who was addicted to gaming, and who had never dated before and was still struggling to adjust to living alone now and being a new adult. His gaming addiction sprung from his depression and general sense of aimlessness at what he wanted to do in life. Honestly, there was a lot to relate to with the character, and I feel like the storyline was, for the most part, thoughtful and maturely handled. 

Next I dated the female character, and much of her storyline and character development was very engaging and even poignant as well. She worked as an assistant for a major company and was deeply overworked and unhappy in her job but felt kind of trapped in it and lacked confidance to break away. You become her friend and confidant and cheer her on and encourage her and she eventually gains the self-knowledge and courage she needs to find her own path in life. Again, so much to relate to and so many great messages there. I genuinely enjoyed it.

There’s certainly some aspects of this game that were not written quite so well; sometimes the drama really went over the top. This is especially the case with Zen’s route where his abusive family was hypercontrolling over his life because he was . . . too beautiful? I found it rather silly. There’s a LOT of abusive family/tragic backstories that went a little over the top in these stories, but I suppose the soap operatic mellodrama is supposed to be part of the appeal.

Despite those weaknesses in the writing, it does not disguise the strengths, and when they shined through, they really shined through; with dialogue that usually felt very natural and on-the-mark and some really great moments.

And then . . . there was 707.

This is the character I ended up liking too much. You can’t even date him until you earn enough of the in-game special currency to unlock his route (or spend real money). He was swathed largely in mystery as a hacker who kept his privacy and a lot of secrets. His presence in the chats mainly consisted of adding a hyper, cheerful, goofy presence, joking about, being good-natured, launching the occasional prank campaign (which at first I perceived as needlessly cruel, but as time went on the tone in which it was intended was further revealed; the same could be said about Jahee saying very nosy and cruel things at times about Yoosung, etc.) and babbling about his passions (which largely consisted of cars, cats, and Dr. Pepper).

And yes, I ended up liking him the best. One of the best things about the game was the phone calls you received from the characters. They were generously long, well-written and well voice-acted. You actually get to know the cast of characters very well that way. When I initially hated Zen because of his narcissism, he called me during other routes and I learned a lot about him that way and found out he was actually a good guy (they just perhaps oversold the narcissism to a ridculous degree at times). Same for Seven—you knew so precious little of him, but his phone calls on other routes revealed just a tad more, giving you a flavor for his presence that transcended the relative lack of information. He especially became involved during the latter part of the story routes, when the action and danger elements of the plot kicked in and he was tasked with trying to keep you safe.

Ahhhh, I don’t know. I’m trying to recall the moment I decided he was the best one, but I can’t. I do remember the way he signed off his phone calls was always charming as heck. At some point I decided I would date the nerd as the last one, because that is how I wished to finish it, as he was my favorite.

I wasn’t entirely stupid, and I caught the hints in the game at a very angsty and dramatic backstory for him. So I knew it wouldn’t be all fun and happytimes, but he was still the best one to me anyway. And it was fun to spend time speculating on his mysteries while dating the others.

Over my winter break I got the Christmas DLC to noodle around with before continuing with the main story, since it ‘twas the season. They let you date anyone in that short little sidestory. I had not selected anyone in particular when I started but it rapidly became obvious there was no way I was going to do anyone but him, as I was too impatient. After that, well, during the main story I was SUPPOSED to do Jumin’s route first. That had been my intent. And I started out that way! But I quickly abandoned it.

Seven, like the others, has things that are easy to relate to. In his case, I found his energy, playfulness and optimism even in the face of darkness to be highly relatable. He was actually very depressed and had seriously negative self-perceptions and had a very painful past. But he was both positive and negative at once. And I know that experience. To be both optimistic and deeply pessimistic; to be both cheerful and playful yet also in so much pain. To like yourself but also to hate yourself quite strongly. It does not make much sense, but you can be both at once, and it has been my case for many years. The playfulness and antics helped Seven to stay bouyed above the ocean of pain, to survive, and I feel at times like that is what keeps me afloat too. We differ in that I tend to gaze directly into the dark pit of my despair far more often than he did, while he tended to do everything he could to pretend it did not exist; yet still, there’s much to relate to and understand.

And there’s much to admire. Because while part of it may be escapism from pain and failing to cope with your sense of sorrow or emptiness, a sheer coping mechanism that is not truly coping, it’s also . . . admirable. Because part of it is truly, genuinely who you are: a happy, optimisitc person, who manages to hold on to some of that spark and cheer and refuses to let it be consumed by the black. You still cling to joy. You don’t forget how to have fun. You are . . . incomplete, but at least you are still fighting, still searching. To keep that spark alive? That is so brave.

And I love him for that, and for his weirdness. He loves the funny and the weird and the wonderful, and he’s imaginiative. Perhaps fantasy and imagination is part of what lets us feed our spark in dark, cold times. He’s creative and incredibly intelligent and talented. He has hobbies and passions (cool ones!). He is kind and generous and giving to others, always there to help them out. There is so much depth and complexity, not just a surface-level cheap phone game drama. And the voice acting, especially, imparts so much sincerity and life.

Plus, he made me a robotic puppy as a gift. If that’s not the coolest, most sweetest, fantastic way to express your love, I don’t know what is.

I had to go through QUITE the dramatic, angst-packed storyline on his route, because the writers of this game tend to go overboard on that, and I never do well with heavy angst. While I did not enjoy the angst, and it was honestly rather difficult and painful to get through, I was willing to stick it out because of how excellent a character Seven is.

I’m not about to claim Mysme is a perfect game. There are some elements I find downright problematic. When I went back later and played Jumin’s route, for example, I found it pretty disturbing; his “good” ending seems to teach the impressionable young people playing this game that it’s okay if a man locks you up in his apartment and refuses to let you leave-- as long as you’re patient and understanding, he’ll eventually change and become a better person. (Guys? This is not OK.) There’s some crap I could get into when discussing Rika as well, but I think you get the idea that the story isn’t always perfect. 

That said, I don’t expect anything to be perfect, and there are a ton of positives to be found in this otome as well. Overall, I really enjoyed the game. I haven’t played any other otomes, but I suspect this one is a cut above the rest. 

In the end, I guess the moral of my story is . . . try out something new. You never know when something really silly ends up being a lot better then expected.

[sturmxundxdrang]

2 0 1 8 ;

so this has been something i’ve done for both 2016 and 2017 (unfortunately can’t find that one), so yeah, a little recap of my year. under read more bc nobody’s interested in a long ass text lol 

So since I can’t find my 2017 post, I’m gonna go from the 2016 and see what I have accomplished from the things I wanted for 2017:

To finally start learning German properly: in 2017 I went to German classes. They did help me a lot, but I had to quit for financial reasons and because I felt like it was slow.

Learn how to play guitar and piano: I did go looking for piano classes, but couldn’t go through with them. More on that below.

Finish my ‘wall collage’: I almost got to finish it! It was actually on my wardrobe’s door, and it was almost complete, but I had to take it down this year when I got a new wardrobe. Fortunately, I had glued the drawings to a sheet of paper, so I still have it.

Finish writing and editing as many books as I can: I did write a lot, I have over 200 poems just from 2017, but I, unfortunately, didn’t do much editing or finished books, haha. 

Watch at least 100 of the movies from my list: I feel like I focused a lot more on TV shows, so that is a no.

Start exercising more: This went as a complete fail, up until November haha.

Do more things by myself: definitely yes, I’ve been growing a lot.

Get a car: I learned that driving stresses me out, but my parents switched to a different car to make it easier for me to drive, so I’m good with that.

Other things from 2017: 

In 2016 I found both witchcraft and Hellenic Polytheism, and I started practicing, but being an ex-Christian, I didn’t talk about it. Out of fear of judgment, out of fear of being wrong and deciding to stop it, a lot of other things. But 2017 was the year I started trusting it more, and the way I felt welcome in this religion, and by my gods, was so warm, that in 2017 I was sure that this was exactly what I was supposed to do. 

I also completed 5 years sober. March 18 was not only my birthday, but also the day I marked 5 years being Straight Edge, something I looked up to achieve ever since I began, back when I was 14 years old and looking up to CM Punk. Back then all I knew was that it was going to be better for me, and inspired by one of my heroes, I claimed. Now I understand the depth of my choice, and how much it helped me as a person. I thank CM Punk for showing me this lifestyle, but I also thank my 14 years old self, that, despite being very young and immature, made a very important choice. 

So, now, we enter 2018. Right from the beginning of January, it was a roller coaster. I ended one of my longest friendships, with a person that had been my best friend since 2011. I'm not getting much into it, because it has ended and there is no use bringing it up, but although it was hard to think about going on without somebody that was very important to me at the time, it ended up being the best choice, and proved itself to be a big improvement to my life. All I have to say is that after the end, I was able to see how toxic it was and that moving on felt like a weight off of my shoulders. 

I think things started well on New Years Eve. We had a small party, only me, my parents and two of our family friends. It was fun, we all talked, laughed, played Just Dance. But a bit before midnight, I put Mehr - Rammstein, to play. It’s one of my favorite songs, and the bridge is my favorite part. It played right when it hit midnight, and we toasted to the New Years Eve right when Till yells ‘Mehr!’. I think that was me starting the year with the right mindset.

My first poem of 2018 was a contrast to everything I used to write. All those 200 poems from 2017? Most about heartache, suffering, about pain. But 2018 started with me writing about true love, about softness and being happy. And gods, was I happy in 2018. I didn’t write much this year, because my writing comes more from pain and as a coping mechanism. I’m slowly learning how to write when I’m happy too, I’ll get there soon. 

If you’ve known me for a while, then you know birthdays were really not my thing. It was usually a day I’d be very depressed, I don’t like getting old, I was too stressed about thinking that another year went by, it was all sorts of bad. One time my mom gave me a surprise birthday party because my ex best friend posted a message on my Facebook wall and talked about knowing I hated my birthdays. Mom invited my friends (a group of about 6-7 people at the time), only 2 showed up. But this year, man, it was different. I had plans to go to the Zoo and then to the Botanic Garden to have a picnic. So we invited a family friend (one that was there during the New Year’s party), and we went. We had a fantastic day together, and then came back to a family BBQ, that was equally as good. It was the first birthday in a LONG time where I felt truly happy.

This part is probably one of the most important, I’d say. I can’t tell when exactly it was, but I know it was around my birthday’s time, but someone set up a Rammstein Discord Server. I joined it, not expecting much, because I’m always inactive in groups like that. But you, see, this person became a very important part of my life, because not long after that, there were her, me, and a few more people joking about setting up a Rammstein cover band. And what started out as only a joke, became one of the most important things for me this year: Roter Himmel. Stephanie, Leah, Karla and I. RH’s first year was a roller coaster too. Members that came and went, some that I wish weren’t even there in the first place, but life is like that, and some that will be missed - yeah, Lily, you. But life happens, and that’s okay <3

This band gave me three amazing friends, that now I consider family, made me even closer to someone that was already one of my best friends, and that will ever be the Paulie to my Richard, as we say, and is giving me the opportunity to work on dreams I’ve had as a kid, and of course, to put my dream of moving to Berlin into an actual plan. I’ve started learning the guitar again because of them, something that I’ve wanted since I was literally 6, but that I put aside for so long. And because of them, I’ll be going to Berlin next year, to finally see the place that I hope to call home in the future. Roter Himmel is now probably one of the biggest part of my life, and I cannot wait to be playing our music in crappy bars in Berlin in a few years. To Steph, Karla and Lee: thank you. 2019 will be Roter Himmel’s year.

Law too, is a big part of my life. Not only because it’s something I really love, but because, of course, that’s what I’m studying. This was my third year, so now I have only 2 and a half before I’m finished. I also got my first job in the field. I’ve been working since I was 13, but moving to something new is scary. And me, having terrible anxiety, you can just imagine. But I got the job, and it turned out to be better than I was expecting: my boss is a great person, my coworkers are sweethearts, and despite it being kinda crazy in there, I’m enjoying being there, and getting to learn every day. More importantly, I’m dealing with my anxiety of talking to new people, or going new places, or y’know, just being with strangers. And, y’know, just working with what I’m studying & what I like gives me a sense of ‘you’re doing good’. 

So, my religion. Like I said, I got started in 2016, improved in 2017, but 2018 has been the year where I really felt my religion. I’ve felt home ever since I got started, like this is what I’m supposed to be doing, like that feeling of coming home, and this year really showed me that, yes, I’m definitely where I’m supposed to be. I finally know what is like to experience a love so pure, that it can bring me to tears. I’ve always felt broken knowing Christianity wasn’t for me, always felt bad that I couldn’t feel what my mom felt for her God, for example. But now I do, now I understand that my mother’s God isn’t mine, and that this love I searched for was there, all my life, I just had to find it. I adore my gods, and I’m thankful for them all day, I’m grateful for them being in my life, I’m grateful for their love. That was also the highlight of my year: knowing they’re there for me.

This year was quite strange too, nothing is made of rose petals, of course. We had a terrible election in Brazil, and I fear for what will come after January 1st. I’m terrified for me, for my family, for my country. My 2 years old cat went missing weeks before my birthday, and still haven’t returned; I know he will tho. Some of the friendships I’ve thought would last me for life ended, or we got distant, but I know some things aren’t meant to last and I’m okay with that now. My grandma, just a few days before me writing this, almost died. She went through a very bad surgery, and I spent the night with my mom, aunt and uncle, at the hospital, praying she’d survive. She did, she’s doing better, she will get better, but that was probably the scariest experience I’ve had this entire year.

Also, I got one more cat. After Sonne went missing, I was awful. My dad found this tiny black kitten lost, and he brought it to me. Asche is probably the exact opposite of Sonne, who was this sassy little boy. Asche is a sweetheart, and is always in the same room as we are. Sonne will be back, I’m certain of that.

Back on friendships, I’m very thankful for the friends I made this year, for the ones that didn’t leave, and in special, my best friend of many years. We had a fall out due to my depression, but our friendship is back just how it used to be, and I’m very grateful for him for putting up with me and being there even when I’m a little shit lol. I’m grateful for Lily, and for how our friendship is strong as ever, for my bandmates, who are always there for me too, and for the friends that put up with me talking about Richard (and Ares @ Steph and Karla lol) all the damn time. 

About the piano thing, my dad got a keyboard, somewhere between mid 2017 and the beginning of 2018 (I’m really bad with dates, so) and I managed to play the first part of Für Elise, and I know it’s fairly simple and easy, but I love Beethoven, and being able to play it within two days of my dad getting that keyboard made me very proud of myself. I ended up not practicing anymore, and my dad’s friend borrowed the keyboard from him. 

2018 was definitely a year of growth for me, about learning, getting better, facing fears, about new beginnings and letting go of things that are not good for me. I cried a lot, but I was happy a lot. I consider it an amazing year, to be quite honest, and I know 2019 will be even better. 

As I did for 2016, here are some things I want to accomplish in 2019:

I hope to have at least intermediate German. I’m almost there, but not yet.

I’ll focus on the guitar, and won’t let my frustration burn me out.

Exercise more and get a better sleep schedule.

Focus more on college, this last semester was very tough.

Do more things I usually wouldn’t, like going out to do something on my own, and hopefully being to drive by myself.

Read & write more, or at least more than I did in 2018.

Watch more movies, strike a few from my list.

Meet more people, go out more.

Be more organized.

Focus on my religion & study more, try to keep a consistent schedule and all that.

Find a hobby that will help me relax, something that I can do without pushing myself too much, because I frustrate myself a lot.

And yeah, those are a few I can remember right now, might add some more in the future. Hopefully, I strike all of those out by the time I’m writing my year review of 2019 haha. It’s gonna be a good year, I can feel that, man.

[redditnosleep]

Has Anyone Heard of The Left/Right Game?

by NeonTempo

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 (Final)

Hi Guys,

It’s been a long week, but I’ve finally got to my computer to post the next log. I’ve been working overtime to afford both London rent and Christmas presents. Hasn’t been fun. Anyway I can’t say much more since this log’s one of the longer ones. I’ll try and get the next one up a little sooner.

Thanks for all your help.

The Left/Right Game [DRAFT 1] 11/02/2017

The next morning, everything’s the same.

It’s strange. We’re usually so blind to the quiet consistency in our everyday lives, only really taking notice once something changes. Yet, as I stir a spiral of honey into my oatmeal and glance around the group, it’s the notable lack of change that truly stands out.

Since the previous evening, the atmosphere surrounding the convoy, and the demeanour of each member, doesn’t seem to have altered in the slightest. The night has fallen short in its role as a grand meridian, failing to partition the past and future, and bringing with it neither perspective nor closure. It’s as if yesterday has spilled, like a toppled brush pot, into the next morning, colouring everything with the same temperaments, fears and divisions.

Lilith and Eve sit facing each other, their legs crossed on a plastic groundsheet. Neither are saying very much, albeit for vastly different reasons. Lilith is still preoccupied by her own smouldering indignation, whereas Eve looks overcome with a subtle but pervasive dread. Neither have taken food from Rob’s stove, a decision I suspect Lilith made for the both of them.

Apollo, Bonnie and Clyde are across from me. Apollo is making conversation, attempting to revive his usual good humour. Bonnie and Clyde help him out, laughing at his jokes, and smiling along with his stories.

Bluejay hasn’t stepped out of her car all morning, eating her own rations and maintaining a welcome distance from the rest of the group. Her eyes meet mine as I look her way, and I’m treated to a sharp, sardonic dismissal.

And Rob? Rob is attending to the practicalities of the road; serving breakfast, then topping up the Wrangler from one of the hulking jerry cans. It’s clear the routine is comforting to him. I can easily imagine this is how he deals with a great many problems. Compartmentalising. Recasting himself as a blunt instrument engaged in a set of necessary processes. He’s made himself too busy for grief, and will likely remain so until the feeling fades.

As coping mechanisms go, it isn’t remotely healthy. I should know. I’m doing pretty much the exact same thing.

AS: Clyde, could I get a few words?

Clyde looks up from his food, a little surprised.

CLYDE: You want me?

AS: Hah, yeah… if that’s not too much trouble.

CLYDE: Oh no no, no trouble at all. You want to do it now? I’m not too hungry.

AS: No me neither. That would be great thank you. Would you mind if we moved away from the stove?

Clyde nods keenly. Putting my bowl to one side, I take Clyde to the edge of the apple grove. Nobody looks after us.

CLYDE: How are you holding up Bristol?

AS: Getting there. How about you?

CLYDE: I’m uhh… yeah I’m getting by.

AS: So can I ask… why did you choose Bonnie and Clyde as your call signs?

CLYDE: Hah well it came pretty easy. We used to play outlaws when we were kids, one time Bonnie stuck up a bank.

AS: Really?

CLYDE: Well, no it was an ice cream parlour. But Bonnie was pretending it was a bank and then she ran in, holding her hand like a gun. Told Mrs Gilford it was a stick-up.

AS: Wow, that doesn’t seem like her.

CLYDE: Oh no she was a wild child. Always living in a story. Anyway, we got free sundaes and a new nickname in town after that. When Rob told us about the call signs it was the first thing we thought of.

AS: It’s a good choice.

I pause, letting the previous subject fade before launching into the next one. All things considered, this may be the last time me and Clyde are on such casual speaking terms.

AS: Bonnie told me she talked to the hitchhiker.

Clyde’s disposition shifts. There’s sudden alertness that wasn’t there before, rushing to the fore in immediate response to my words. In the following silence, at the centre of his wide eyed stare, an educated guess suddenly becomes much more.

CLYDE: Wh.. when did she tell you?

AS: I’m sorry Clyde… she didn’t. You just did.

I can almost see the stone fall in Clyde’s throat. The deep, burning embarrassment and hurt that comes from being deceived, from a close secret you held getting out into the world. I don’t feel exceptional either. Lying to Clyde, bringing him away from Bonnie under the guise of an interview… beyond the personal abhorrence, it also flies in the face of everything I’ve tried to be as a journalist.

Clyde can’t bring himself to talk, so I press forward.

AS: I think it might be best if you call Bonnie over here.

Nodding vaguely, Clyde wordlessly shuffles back to Bonnie, whispering in her ear. She puts a hand on his shoulder and helps herself up. Whatever he’s told her, she doesn’t seem angry as she joins us beneath the shade of the apple trees.

BONNIE: I didn’t want to cause any trouble, a… and Clyde’s been looking forward to this trip for so long I didn’t want us to turn back. I’m sorry.

AS: What happened Bonnie?

BONNIE: I just said two words. I wasn’t talking to him; I was doing what Rob said but then he… I just said “Bless you.” That’s all it was.

AS: That’s it?

BONNIE: Well I… he thanked me and then he was just… so easy to talk to and I thought, “Well I’ve already talked to him, what will a few more words do?”

CLYDE: She hardly said anything else.

AS: What about him? Did he say anything?

Bonnie starts to smile, the same way she did last night. A dreamy, enthused expression glowing with reminiscent joy.

BONNIE: He told me about this wonderful place. Wasn’t it wonderful Martin?

CLYDE: Bonnie-

BONNIE: Just a few houses by the sea, but he made it sound so nice.

CLYDE: Bonnie, please…

BONNIE: What’s wrong? I can talk about it right?

When I look back to Clyde, his lips are firmly pressed together, his facial muscles tight. He’s holding something back, but what slips through betrays a poignant dismay.

CLYDE: It’s all you talk about Bonnie. You… you mentioned it a few times after… and since Jubilation you ain’t stopped.

AS: Are you guys talking about Wintery Bay?

Clyde grimaces, and Bonnie grins, when they hear the name.

AS: Bonnie are we heading there?

BONNIE: The hitchhiker said it’s on our way. I’m so looking forward to seeing it.

I can’t say I feel the same, and it’s safe to say Clyde agrees with me. Before now, I’d only heard Bonnie mention Wintery Bay on two occasions, but it sounds like she’s talked about it a whole lot more. I sympathise with Clyde for what he’s had to deal with. However, the gross irresponsibility of his actions aren’t lost on me either.

AS: Does Rob know?

CLYDE: I didn’t want to-

AS: You didn’t want to trouble him? Or did you just not want him to turn you around?

BONNIE: I’m alright, really.

AS: Well either way, you need to tell Rob before we hit the road.

Clyde shuffles uncomfortably.

AS: I’m not going to do it for you. But too much has happened on this trip already. Ace is… this place is dangerous ok? There’s no place for lies any more.

I hope that Clyde doesn’t see the irony, given that I’ve roundly deceived him in the past five minutes. He nods, takes Bonnie’s hand, and walks slowly towards the Wrangler. Rob is loading the last of the fold up chairs into the back of the car. The conversation doesn’t last long, but by the end of it, Rob rests his hand on Bonnie’s shoulder and sends them on their way. He doesn’t look mad. Perhaps he just has other things on his mind.

That’s the second thing I’ve done today that’s inherently non-journalistic. I was supposed to be a fly on the wall for this story, a passenger, recording events with objective detachment without my own influence seeping into proceedings. In many ways I wish I still was. But the stakes are higher now, and though secrets make for good editorial, they’re also potentially damaging to the safety of the group. Following the incident with Ace, I’m slightly less concerned with an unbiased story than I am with getting home to tell it.

Rob looks like he’s about to make his morning address. The group wanders over, some more reluctantly than others, and gathers around the Wrangler.

ROB: First things first, I want to say that… well… tempers got a little heated last night, and that I’m sorry for my part in all that. I wanna thank you for coming with me this far, and if you wanna turn back, well that’s just fine.

The group stays quiet.

ROB: If you are headin’ back. I’d say if you travel one by one, be sure to stay on the radios, retrace the route and follow all the rules that applied when you were gettin’ here. Now can I get a show of hands, who’s wantin’ to keep goin’ on the road?

I observe my compatriots closely. The definites will be Bonnie & Clyde, who have already implied that they want to continue, and also Bluejay, who feels she has nothing to worry about from the road. Apollo is in the wind, and Lilith & Eve are probably a split vote. All in all, this could be the moment our convoy splits in half.

Bluejay throws her hand up lazily. Bonnie and Clyde, predictably, raise theirs. Apollo raises his a few moments later.

APOLLO: Hey, I’ve come this far.

That leaves Lilith and Eve. After sharing a brief glance with her friend, Lilith raises her hand and Eve follows suit, albeit with an air of trepidation.

I’m surprised that no one’s turning back, after everything that happened yesterday, but it’s clear everyone has their own reasons. I’m just glad I don’t have to say goodbye to anyone. I set about trying to divine everyone’s motives for continuing on the road, but I quickly stop when I realise everyone’s looking at me.

AS: Oh sorry. Yeah I’m in... I’m going… that way.

I gesture to the road ahead and raise my hand redundantly.

ROB: Well ok. I guess that’s everyone then. We got a fair way to travel today but there ain’t much to see. Just follow the rules and take things as they come I guess.

As we pull out, I start to feel a little restless. The sedentary nature of travel is beginning to take its toll, and I’m starting to feel overfamiliar with the Wrangler’s passenger seat. I’m glad that I got a chance to stretch my legs last night.

Rolling, Elysian corn fields span the roadside for the next five hours. Turns are few and far between, but Rob’s attention never wavers. I only manage to grasp his attention briefly.

AS: Aren’t Jeeps supposed to have poor fuel economy?

ROB: They ain’t the best. That’s why I always bring gas along.

AS: It’s just… the fuel gauge has hardly moved since we left this morning.

ROB: Haha. You noticed that huh? I was wonderin’ if you were gunna.

AS: Why, what have you done to it?

ROB: Nuthin’. It’s the road. Makes fuel burn slower.

AS: Seriously?

ROB: Ain’t just that either. You finish your food this mornin’?

AS: No… why?

ROB: Hardly anyone did, ‘cept Apollo. More you go, less you need to keep goin’.

AS: Ok… wait you said the road pushes against you.

ROB: Yep.

AS: But now you’re making it sound like it’s helping us along.

ROB: Yep.

AS: So it’s hostile whilst also incentivising us? That sounds odd to me.

ROB: Sounds like life to me. Reasons to stop, reasons to keep goin’.

I suppose that makes sense. Despite his well-documented obsession with the secrets of the road, Rob seems to have a strangely laissez faire attitude to its internal logic. It’s like the road doesn’t need to make perfect sense to him, or at least he doesn’t expect it to yet.

As the fresh rural air drifts in through the windows, I lose myself in the hypnotic endlessness of the passing fields. I wonder how many eyes have seen these vistas. I wonder where we are, not geographically, but in a grander sense. Are we still in the world as I know it? Are we beyond it? Below it? Or have we just slipped through the cracks, into some intermediate domain?

Rob slows the car down to a crawl, a precaution he takes before most corners. My eyes wander gently back into the Wrangler, finally resting on the rear view.

There’s something behind us. A humanoid figure, shrouded in the soft focus of considerable distance. It staggers quickly toward the convoy, unsure on its own feet.

AS: Rob what is that?

Rob follows my gaze to the rear view mirror. His brow furrows.

ROB: Somethin’ new.

Rob grabs the receiver. Before he can make an announcement, the speaker splutters with static, followed by Eve’s frantic voice.

EVE: Guys there’s something behind us... guys? Something’s coming after us. Bluejay can you see it?

Bluejay doesn’t answer. I doubt she considers it worth her time. A squealing panic rings out over the radio as Eve calls again.

EVE: Is it from Jubilation? Guys? Guys?!

ROB: Stay calm everyone. Let’s pick up the pace a little.

Rob lets his foot rest heavier on the gas. The Wrangler gently accelerates, with the rest of the convoy eagerly matching our speed.

APOLLO: Who is that Rob?

ROB: I ain’t so sure, but we got a turn coming up. Let’s just get ourselves off the road, see if he follows.

The figure continues to stumble towards us. Its arms hang crookedly in the air and, as it comes into sharper focus, I can just make out that there’s something wrong with its face.

EVE: Guys speed up, please. Please.

LILITH: Calm down.

EVE: It’s coming for us!

I can sympathise with Eve’s panic. I’ve had the luxury of travelling at the head of the convoy. I was the first across when that godforsaken pine was dropped across the road. Eve is now second to last, relying on three other cars to make their escape before she can follow. Ace had to wait for the rest of us, and it cost him everything. Now Eve & Lilith are one car closer to being where he was.

EVE: It’s face. Oh my god! Oh my god. Guys please!

BLUEJAY: Jesus, shut up!

APOLLO: Hey that is NOT helping. Rob it’s movin’ pretty fast we-

ROB: We stay the course. It ain’t caught up yet just-

EVE: Oh god. Oh god, oh GOD!

Rob’s warnings are cut short by the screeching of tires. Eve swerves out of the convoy’s neat, single file line, and onto the empty stretch of road beside us. The car accelerates past Bonnie & Clyde. Past Apollo.

I get a brief glimpse of Eve & Lilith as our windows align.

Lilith is yelling at Eve, trying to get her to calm down. Eve is screaming into the air, the puppet of her own frenetic terror. The car shoots past us and down the long road ahead. Rob swears and picks up the radio.

The figure continues to lurch towards us.

ROB: Ferryman to Eve & Lilith. Stop the car right now.

LILITH: Eve slow down!

ROB: Eve goddamnit you’re gonna-

I stare through the windshield as their car stops. Not a slow, grinding deceleration, but an unequivocal, immediate halt. Their bodies are thrown forwards against the safety glass as the car becomes utterly motionless.

AS: Rob what’s happening?

ROB: I told’em to be careful!

AS: Why what’s-

I no longer need an answer. I realise that it’s written right in front of me, etched into the side of the road. A brief gap in the endless rows of golden corn, only a little wider than the Wrangler itself. A dirt track the leads off to the left, about ten metres ahead of us, about fifteen metres behind Lilith & Eve. I now understand why Rob was being so careful, and why Eve should have been as well.

They’ve missed the next turn.

ROB: Ferryman to all cars. I’ve found the turn, let’s make it quick. Eve and Lilith you stay in the car. I’m coming back to get you both.

Rob flicks on his turn signal, preparing the group for the sharp left corner, and slams his foot on the accelerator. Lilith and Eve disappear behind a wall of corn as we pull down the dirt track. Rob keeps driving, until enough space is left for the rest of the group.

Once they’re all safely pulled in, Rob climbs into the back of the car, grabs his rifle and jumps out onto the path. I quickly climb out and follow behind him.

When we arrive on the main road, the figure has covered a considerable distance, finally drawing near enough for me to see what’s wrong with its face. At a certain point, midway across the crown of the head, running in a straight line down past the cheeks and under the jaw, the head simply stops. It’s like the foremost section of his skull has been sliced cleanly off, and has bent inwards, his entire face concave and shrouded completely in a deep shadow. A ghastly, organic hood, that seems deeper than physics should allow.

That isn’t all that’s wrong with the picture however. The man’s outstretched arms are bent in several places. Dark purple contusions blossom at every unnatural joint as if his arms had been broken multiple times. His leg is also bent to one side, the reason for the irregular walk that still carries him towards us.

Rob looks shaken as he raises the rifle to his shoulder, bidding the figure turn around.

The man ignores Rob’s demand, continuing its march. Even when a bullet hits it square in the chest, the figure hardly slows down. We’re forced to jump out of the way as it continues down the road, Eve and Lilith cowering in their locked car as it approaches.

Fear shifts into confusion as the creature passes them by, and continues down the road. It’s as if it doesn’t even know we’re here.

Rob breathes a sigh of relief, lowers the gun, and runs back to the rest of the convoy. The moment he leaves, my mind notes something peculiar. It’s an utterly bizarre observation, especially considering the many otherworldly facets of the retreating creature, there’s something familiar about it. Specifically, its fashion sense.

The shirt, the dirt covered jeans. They aren’t dissimilar to the ones I found in the brown leather duffel bag, resting atop the block of C4.

Reaching into my pocket, pulling out my phone, I scroll through my list of contacts. As the man heaves himself down the road, I call the second number I discovered last night. The one in the Nokia’s received calls list. The number that likely belonged to whoever created the bomb, and whoever was driving the car that day.

After a few moments, a ringtone disrupts the creature’s silent walk. I end the call, realising how reckless I’ve been and praying that the strange figure doesn’t see my action as an excuse to turn around.

I’m lucky, this time at least. The dial tone cuts out, and the figure continues to stumble its way toward the horizon.

The next thing I hear is a scream.

Scanning for its source, I see Eve, her door open and with one foot out of the car. She’s frantically pulling at her leg, seemingly unable to lift it from the tarmac.

AS: Eve what’s going on?

With shaking fingers, Eve clumsily unties her shoelace, and lifts her leg back into the car. Her boot stays in place, and it’s possible to make out a slight elasticity to the road below it, a depression in the tarmac around its base. Slowly, and steadily, the sole of the boot disappears into the road. Eve watches as the dark tarmac slowly sucks the boot down, enveloping the heel and dragging it beneath the surface.

The thought comes to Eve the same moment it does to me. We both fix our eyes on the back of the car, where same, soft indent is gradually developing around the tyres.

Eve’s terrified scream is drowned out by the blare of revving engines. I jump out of the way as the rest of the convoy reverse out of the corner and back onto the main road. Bluejay, Bonnie & Clyde, Apollo and finally Rob, park themselves chaotically around me. Rob jumps out and approaches.

ROB: They ain’t pulled back yet?

As soon as he asks the question, he sees the sight before him. Only the neck of Eve’s boot remains above the ground, sinking ever further into the tarmac. The road gradually but voraciously churns at the car tyres, consuming the rubber, and swallowing the lowest edge of the wheel cover.

In the midst of such an impossible sight, all I can say to Rob is:

AS: They’re trying.

Lilith & Eve hit the gas hard. The engine growls at the road as it furiously attempts to reverse, the undercarriage creaking and groaning from the sheer mechanical strain. The wheels themselves, however, don’t rotate an inch. The tyres belong to the road now, taken by the unknowable forces that continue to drag them into the earth.

The engine chokes, defeated, and I can see Eve screaming into her fists as the roadway calmly continues its work.

ROB: Goddamn it we can’t reach’em. Tell’em to get on top of the car.

APOLLO: What the… What’s happening Rob?

ROB: Bristol! Tell’em to get on the roof!

Rob marches off to the Wrangler. The rest of the convoy gather on the road, just in line with the left turn, where we assume it’s safe to stand. Everyone, saving for Bluejay, looks on in anxious silence.

AS: Eve! Lilith! I need you to get on top of the car ok? Guys?

EVE: We’re sinking! Oh fuck… oh fuck we’re-

AS: Eve! I’m trying to help you. Rob’s working on something, but you need to climb onto the roof of the car. Don’t think about anything else. Open the door, wind down your window and use it as a foothold.

Eve is still deaf with worry. Lilith doesn’t hesitate. She places one hand on the upper rim of her open door, one foot on the base of the open window, and her free hand palm down on the car’s roof. The door rocks on its hinges as she puts her weight on it. In one strong motion, she pushes herself backwards until she’s sitting atop the car.

The tarmac has swallowed its way to the car’s lower chassis. Eve stares, transfixed by the road as it pulls her ever closer towards it.

LILITH: Sarah look at me!

Lilith is crouching on the car’s roof, her hand reaching down to Eve. Her friends voice seems to be the only thing that can break Eve’s fearful commune with the waiting abyss. She turns around, Lilith’s hand a few inches from her face.

LILITH: Get up here.

Her eyes brimming with tears, fought back by rapid, shallow breaths, Eve grabs Lilith’s hand. Lilith gets a solid handhold around the lip of her own doorway and heaves Eve up and onto the roof of the car. Eve shrieks a little as the door swings, putting all her trust into Lilith’s grip.

She joins her friend on the roof just as the road consumes the lower edge of the door, spilling inside the car’s cabin like magma.

ROB: Damnit they’re too far away.

Rob has returned from the Wrangler, rapidly uncoiling a braid of long, light blue climber’s rope. I’d seen it resting in the back of the car during the trip, never once thinking that I’d see it used.

Rob threads one end of the rope through a carabiner and secures it in place with a tight knot. He holds it to his side as he shouts to Lilith & Eve.

ROB: Ok listen, we only got one shot at this. I’m gonna throw you the hook and you’re gonna catch it and yank it taut ok? Then you can hook it onto somethin’ and climb your way over. Don’t let it fall. Ok?

Lilith looks pale. She nods before clambering to her feet, and stepping to the back of the car. Eve watches on, her hands wrapped around her legs.

ROB: Well, here goes nothin’.

Rob begins to swing the rope over his head, a large undulating circle that quickly levels out as the weight of the carabiner eases the rope onto a flat plane. I instinctively shrug down as the rope passes over my head, swinging faster and faster. Gritting his teeth, his face reddening with the towering pressure of this single throw, Rob lets the rope fly. It arcs in the air, like a cast fishing line, towards Lilith’s outstretched hands.

I watch it pass in front of her, the metal of the carabiner glinting in the sun as it falls.

She catches it, grasping the rope in her shaking hands.

Despite her victory, I see her face contort with sudden and striking panic. She holds the rope high over her head, staring wildly down at the road between us. Following her eyes, my heart falls. She caught the rope, but she didn’t pull it taut fast enough.

Even with Rob continuing to hold his end above his head, the rope had too much slack when it landed in Lilith’s hands. It’s fallen in a sloping arc, the lowest point of which has scraped against the tarmac. It only rests a few precious seconds before Lilith finds herself unable to pull it free. It sinks into the ground. The rope starts to brush gently against Rob’s fingers before he throws it to the ground.

ROB: Goddamnit! Ok… if I just got somethin’ else. Somethin’ we can put down.

AS: The empty jerry cans? They could step on-

ROB: Too unstable, and we’d have to throw them perfect. Ok… ok.

The road has claimed almost half the car now, eating up the licence plate as the vehicle sinks lower and lower. Lilith looks helplessly on as we deliberate, Eve crying her eyes out behind her.

CLYDE: We could get a ground sheet.

ROB: We ain’t got one that’ll stretch.

AS: Well what about-

APOLLO: I’m going out there.

Apollo’s blank statement catches us all by surprise. Turning in his direction, I note a direct and powerful confidence in his manner.

APOLLO: They aren’t gonna last much longer. It takes a second for the road to get you, that’s how they got so far ahead before they stopped. I drive out, they jump onto my car, then we climb back.

ROB: I ain’t got more rope.

APOLLO: You got the winch right? If I drive out with it bunched up on my lap I can make sure it never goes slack. Then I hook it up to my roof bars and we get the hell outta dodge.

ROB: You got the best car for it. But I should drive out there.

APOLLO: You need to work the winch. Bonnie & Clyde can’t climb back.

He skips over his rationale for not choosing Bluejay, not wanting to waste time on a foregone conclusion.

AS: What about me? I’m lighter, the climb back would be easier.

APOLLO: But you can’t help them when they’re jumping over. We’re wasting time, you know it’s a good idea.

Rob takes a moment to consider it, his mind fighting for a better solution.

ROB: You’d better get back here Apollo.

APOLLO: Don’t plan on hanging around there Rob.

Apollo grins before sprinting to his Rover. Rob, wasting no time, runs to the winch, switches it to manual, and unspools the heavy duty rope. His hands cross over as he drops each new length onto the ground.

I turn back to Lilith.

AS: Did you hear that Lilith?!

Lilith is huddled next to Eve, attempting to comfort her as the car’s headlights disappear into the depths of the road. Her head snaps round when I call.

LILITH: What’s… what’s happening?

AS: Apollo’s coming out to you. You have to jump onto his car and climb back over ok?

LILITH: … Ok!

She hurries back to Eve, grasping her friend’s shoulders as she relays the plan.

ROB: Ok that’ll hold.

Rob’s climbing down from the hood of the Wrangler. He’s fed the winch cable around and through the lighting rig, ensuring a good level of clearance on the way out and, more importantly, for the climb back. The rope has already been fed through Apollo’s driver’s side window.

Bonnie and Clyde are helping to throw Apollos’ baggage out of the trunk and onto the rode behind him. The less he has to lose on this trip the better.

ROB: All set up over here.

APOLLO: Ok. See you on the other side Rob.

Apollo slams his foot onto the accelerator. The Range Rover bolts forwards, and powers toward the threshold. The engine roars as he rockets past the left turn and keeps on going, into the territory beyond. In the few precious seconds he has, he crosses the distance towards the two terrified girls. The winch rope streams through the window, and then suddenly, pulls tight.

Apollo is thrown forwards as the car comes to an uncompromising stop, roughly a metre’s distance from Lilith & Eve. The impact looks brutal, but Apollo somehow manages to keep a hold on the rope and, inexplicably, his sense of humour.

APOLLO: I don’t think I got the insurance for this.

Clumsily, still feeling the aftereffects of the sudden stop, Apollo throws open his door and starts to climb out.

APOLLO: Take in the slack Rob!

My attention fixed on Apollo, I hear the mechanical whir as the winch kicks into life. As Apollo climbs out of his car and up onto the roof, he affixes the hook at the end of the winch to one of his roof bars, securing it in place. A few moments later, the rope is pulled straight.

Apollo steps down onto the hood of his car, his arms outstretched to the girls. It’s a short jump, but they’ll have to make it from a lower elevation, the trunk of the car already sinking to ground level.

APOLLO: Ok come on I got you, we’ve got to move fast now.

Lilith stands up, helping Eve to her feet before stepping down onto the rapidly disappearing trunk.

LILITH: Ok… ok…

Lilith yelps as she throws herself towards Apollo. Her front foot plants itself on the hood of the car, her other leg flailing in the air behind her. Apollo grabs her by the arms and yanks her onto the car, holding her close to him as she gets her bearing on the smooth metal of the hood. When she’s stable, he lets her crawl up onto the roof, where she immediately looks back to Eve.

APOLLO: See Eve, nothin’ to it. Come on now.

Eve paces back, her hands shaking as she contemplates the jump. Fighting against her screaming instincts, Eve squeals as she steps across the trunk and makes the leap across. The toe of her shoe lifting off the car mere seconds before it descends into the murky, black pitch of the road.

Eve lands short of her destination. One desperate, grasping arm makes contact with Apollo’s as her legs bang and scrape against the Rover’s grill, scrambling for any conceivable purchase. Apollo is wrenched sideways by the force of Eve’s landing, thrown off balance by the unexpected application of her whole weight. In the gut churning moments that follow, Apollo tugs Eve up to his chest and wraps an arm around her, his centre of gravity passing over the edge of the car.

The fall takes a lifetime. Wrapped in each other’s arms, Eve and Apollo tumble forward towards the patient, ravenous ground. In the split second before he leaves the hood of the car, Apollo uses his last inch of footing to push himself into a slow turn. The twist continues as they fall, until Eve is looking to the road, Apollo to the pale blue sky. In one final action, Apollo pushes Eve’s waist, holding her at arms length.

Apollo’s back thuds into the asphalt, his head smacking audibly against it. Dazed and concussed, he manages to hold Eve aloft, keeping everything but her feet from joining him on the hard ground.

APOLLO: Get back up… quickly get back up.

Her face shredded by fear and guilt and sorrow, Eve stares into Apollo’s eyes and whimpers. Collecting herself, she pushes herself off him, ripping out her laces, and leaving a shoe and a sock behind as she clambers back on to the Range Rover. With every movement she whispers a quivering apology.

APOLLO: It’s ok. It’s ok. Go on. It’s ok.

He repeats those two words over and over, until I’m not even sure who he’s talking to. The road elasticates around him, dragging him down into its depths. Eve looks back to him, her face cringing in misery.

Bonnie buries her face in Clyde’s chest, unable to watch the next few moments unfold.

EVE: I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

APOLLO: It’s… it’s alright. Just get going ok? It doesn’t hurt… it doesn’t hurt, really.

Apollo’s ears sink beneath the road. Entering a new world of perfect silence, Apollo sees the end nearing.

APOLLO: Oh god. Rob! ROB!!

I won’t play his final moments, for your benefit and, ultimately, for his. Before he sinks into the road, Apollo asks for Rob to talk to his family. He wants Rob to tell them that he loves them. Rob nods, knowing that Apollo won’t be able to hear his response.

After a few cries of panicked despair, Apollo’s eyes and mouth are enveloped by the road. His screams are drowned by the thick, churning asphalt.

Eve watches the rest of his body sink, while Lilith tugs at her sleeve, pulling her towards the roof.

LILITH: Come on we’ve got to go. Sarah we’ve got to go!

EVE: I’m sorry.

Whispering one last heartfelt apology to the air itself, Eve steps up with Lilith and stares at the cable.

AS: Ok guys just let yourself down until you’re hanging from the rope and work your way across.

LILITH: I got it! You ready?

Eve looks to her friend.

EVE: I… I don’t…

LILITH: Just watch me ok? Follow right behind me.

The Range Rover’s wheels have now disappeared. With every passing second, the cable’s clearance diminishes, and the angle between the roof bar and the Wrangler’s lighting rig becomes steeper. They need to start moving now or not at all.

Eve looks across the length of the rope. I can feel her mind kicking back at the prospect.

EVE: I can’t.

LILITH: Sarah… we fucking have to ok? Follow behind me.

Lilith wraps her arms around Eve, hugging her stiff, shivering frame, before letting go and crouching down to the rope, slowly working her way under it. Her hands clenching the cable, her legs wrapped securely around it, Lilith starts to pull herself along the rope, shifting her feet up every few seconds behind her. She fixes her eyes on me as she drags herself to the halfway mark.

LILITH: Is she following?!

The asphalt swallows the Range Rover’s lower chassis. Eve hasn’t moved a muscle. The stretch of black tarmac might as well be a bottomless ravine, the Grand Canyon. The idea of hanging herself over it mortifies her.

AS: Sarah! Sarah it’s not as bad as it looks, please! Please come on.

Lilith crosses the threshold. Her knuckles are white as she continues to cling to the rope. Rob marches up to her and helps her down into his arms, coaxing her hands free by telling her that she’s safe.

As soon as her feet hit the ground again, they give way beneath her, and Lilith sinks to the ground crying out.

LILITH: Sarah! Come on please!!

EVE: I can’t! I can’t… I…

LILITH: Please Sarah… I need you here.

Her shallow breaths quaking with anxiety, Eve slowly crouches down and grips the rope. Slowly but surely, as the asphalt consumes the car’s licence plate less than a metre below her, Eve lowers herself down and, with clumsy desperation, drags herself along the rope.

She’s left it late. Her back hangs mere inches from the hungry ground as she shuffles unevenly towards us, lifting her feet and scraping them up the rope, her arms straining to stay locked.

EVE: I’m not going to make it!

LILITH: You are! Keep going!

The Range Rover’s window is now disappearing, inside the dashboard has been submerged. With every yard that Eve manages to climb, the lowering rope ensures she stays close to the ground, even over the final few feet.

My heart breaks the moment her foot slips.

It happens almost too quickly to register. As Eve erratically shuffles her feet along the rope, her bare left foot gives way, swinging underneath her and kicking down onto the ground. Eve tries to raise it in time before discovering that she can’t.

LILITH: No… no no no please.

Thrown entirely off balance, Eve tries to pull herself up. However, with her lower leg seeping into the dark tar, her position can’t be maintained. She falls, her body twisting, as she falls onto the road.

Lilith releases a terrible shrieking cry. Eve whimpers as the side of her head rests against the tarmac, her cheek already subsumed.

EVE: I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

LILITH: No. No. Please don’t be sorry.

EVE: I.. love you. I love y… you Jen.

LILITH: I love you too… I’m sorry I didn’t… I’m so sorry.

Eve tries to reply, but half of her mouth is sealed shut, encased in the creeping asphalt. Her short breaths finally melt into one long inhalation, as her nose and mouth are sunk entirely.

One remaining eye takes a final, fleeting look at Lilith, before vanishing.

I look away from what is still to sink. The important things are already gone.

Lilith collapses on her knees, a screaming of torrent of grief expelled from her burning lungs. Rob is completely immobile, likely searching for something practical in which to bury himself. Bonnie & Clyde simply look lost, as they turn their backs on the sinking Range Rover.

Bluejay’s reaction surprises me. She stares into the tarmac, the smirk ripped from her face, replaced by a familiar look of shellshock. She repeatedly mutters something under her breath, something that sounds like:

“It’s not real… It’s not real.”

We stand in silence for what seems like an age, accompanied by the breeze and Lilith’s gradually waning laments. After she’s exorcised the immediate torment, her screaming descends into a deathly stillness.

Rob makes the first step to approach her.

ROB: I… I can take you back home if you want to-

LILITH: No... No.

Lilith wipes her eyes, as tears continue to fall freely down her cheeks. When she turns around, she looks enraged.

LILITH: No. I’m still going. I’m going to get to the end.

ROB: You know I can’t tell you when that’ll be.

Lilith stands up and glares at Rob, then looks over to Bonnie & Clyde.

LILITH: Are you guys still going? Do you have a seat free?

The siblings look to one another. Bonnie nods.

CLYDE: You got a place with us if you want it.

LILITH: Is the door unlocked?

CLYDE: Uhh yeah.

LILITH: Then what the fuck are we waiting around for?

Lilith marches to Clyde’s Ford and climbs into the back seat. She waits for us impatiently to finish up.

ROB: Anyone else want to turn around?

Rob looks to me and Bluejay. Bluejay sends a look of deep scorn his way before marching off to her own car.

ROB: Bristol?

The Range Rover has finally sunk. The road has settled back into a hard, permanent surface. It isn’t like Rob to offer me a ride home, and I feel overwhelmingly like I should take him up on it. But there are too many questions unanswered, too many unchallenged mysteries weaved into the fabric of this journey. Going back now wouldn’t be a return, it would be a retreat.

AS: I’m still going.

A few minutes later, the three remaining cars roll down the dirt track. Leaving another incomprehensible atrocity behind us. There’s a part of me that can’t believe I’m still continuing down this road, a greater part of me is astonished that no one took the opportunity to turn back.

As Rob carries me on to the next turn, and the one after that, I realise we all have our reasons. I’d become obsessed with chasing the truth, as had Bluejay in her way. Bonnie had her own, unsettling motives for carrying on, and Clyde wasn’t about to abandon her. Lilith had directed her smouldering anger and grief toward the road itself, seeking deliverance at its end. And Rob? As far as he’s concerned, there’s only one direction to go.

Still, when I think of the sorrows that have already befallen us, and the potential for unspeakable ruin that lies ahead, I realise that no one in their right mind would continue down this road.

I suppose no one is.