#muscle building with ME/CFS

[compassionmattersmost]

8: Gently Building Strength with Compassion: The Converging Chest Press for Post-Viral ME/CFS

The journey toward mindful movement when living with Post-Viral ME/CFS is deeply personal, one that requires patience, gentleness, and, above all, self-compassion. Today, as we continue this path of self-care and mindful strength-building, we’re going to explore the Converging Chest Press Machine—a tool that, when used thoughtfully, can help us nurture our upper body strength in a safe and…

[writers-potion]

Fight Scenes Involving Disabled Characters

This was inspired by a comment on one of my eariler posts by @rubyjewelqueen!

Level of Fighting Involved

Depending on the condition your character has, you'll want to adjust how physically strenuous the fight scenes are going to be. This can be done by:

Giving your disabled character a partner who'll take the worst of the fighting while the disabled character does what they can.

Giving them a partner/team they can call if they're in danger, which means they'll just have to hold on until backup comes.

Using the geographic location to limit the kind of attacks the opponent can launch.

Providing your disabled character with cool weapons (if you're writing sci-fi or fantasy, magical weapons are also an option)

Think about your character's capabilities:

Loss or Deformity of Limbs can be overcome by targeted physical training to make most of existing body parts, plus synthetic limbs if that's an option.

Muscular Dystrophy allows low-intensity exercises like walking and swimming. Your character might need breathing assistance as respiratory muscles weaken which means they won't be doing much sprinting. Braces/mobility aids needed.

Neuro Musculo Disability where there are no physical deformities but an inability to to perform controlled movements can plausibly be overcome with physical training and inventing new ways to grip and swing weapons meant for able people.

Conditions that affect one's energy and strength like CFS/POTS will be able to defend themselves quite well, but probably only for like 3-5 minutes before they need to recover for days. A rush of adrenaline and extreme anxiety will help them fight quite intensely, but you'll have to consider how much training they can get with their condition. Martial art skills that need hours of practice may be out of reach for them.

Weapons

The possibilities here are endless. Feel free to invent, or use everyday items as weapons. Just to list some common ones:

Canes, hiking poles, blades hidden in boots & at the end of walking sticks, hooked canes, T-bar cane, crutches

Self-defense items like pepper spray, stun guns, personal alarms

Daggers and light blades rather than swords, chakras they can throw around

Prosthetic can be used as weapons in dire circumstances. Your character may regret it afterwards.

handguns.

Adaptive Martial Arts

With more than 180 types and martial arts styles practiced worldwide, it’s nearly impossible to define a blanket answer to inclusion. But adaptive martial arts aim to help disabled people build physical strength.

Have a martial arts guru who is disabled themselves, and teach your hero how to fight.

Pick the martial arts that doesn't emphasize a particular skill your character doesn't have. For example, karate/kickboxing/ taekwondo emphasizes kicking which won't be possible for someone on a wheelchair. Might be better to avoid ones that involve lots of grappling. Jujitsu seems quite adaptable.

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[our-queer-experience]

Re the fibro/PCOS ask: I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia for the past 17 years (since about age 15) and had PCOS as well - I'll give the caveat that mine was always the "skip a period for 6 months and then bleed in pain like I'm dying on the battlefield" type, prev anon, yours might show up a different way.

The Nexplanon implant helped me with PCOS first (stopped periods completely, which for me was positive with no major internal side effects), but didn't do anything for fibromyalgia. I then went on testosterone for HRT (while staying on Nexplanon, you can do both), and the new energy testosterone gives, plus how easily it builds muscle, helped take away a massive amount of my pain and fatigue at the time. For the first five years on t, within some limits, I was able to get back into hiking and kickboxing, it was incredible. If you don't plan to go on it to transition, you might still get similar protective effects at a low dose, but everyone reacts a little differently.

It did not protect against new things popping up - I'm hedging my words because I am moderately to severely (based on acces to other meds) disabled again from new ME/CFS caused by long covid. But I also think I would feel a lot worse than I currently do if I weren't at the testosterone levels I'm currently at (typical male range is 300-1000 ng/dL, and I don't go below 300 at lows).

And the standard PCOS trans masc health discussion: since my PCOS is still managed with the Nexplanon and testosterone so well, I plan to keep at least one ovary for bone health considerations if it remains healthy for me to do so in the future, even if I get bottom surgery.

thank you for sharing!!!

[recoveringcatboy]

day 1 of recovering from 10+ years of chronic illness

kinda sorta not really

I've been improving my health, VERY slowly, for the past year and a half since getting my CPAP, but my progress has been pretty stalled for the last year or so, and recently I've started to backslide a lot

so, to quote a video that I stumbled across a couple nights ago: it's time to go on the offense.

here's my current plan:

I've downloaded an app that is used for pacing with CFS, and I'll be using it fucking religiously to try to prevent myself from doing too much and then crashing, like I did recently. I'm sure it'll take some trial and error to get it right, since it's kind of hard to gauge exactly how much energy any particular activity is going to take

nutrition is also going to be my absolute top priority from here on out. I've found a meal delivery service in my area that I can actually afford???? which is crazy given how tight my budget is, but their food is all organic and sourced locally too, which is awesome. I don't really believe that everything being organic is necessary for food to be healthy, but it's not like it's a negative thing

then, to hopefully help out my joint pain, I'm gonna be following a gentle calisthenics routine to try to build some muscle. gonna be super careful to make sure I'm not overdoing it, but my lack of muscle has pretty noticeably been making my pain worse, so I'm gonna give it my all

and finally, I'm both going to counseling, and following some journaling techniques. I've personally never been big on journaling, or keen on the idea that like, therapy will cure my chronic illness, but I've been doing a bunch of reading on it lately and I've come to the conclusion that, at least for me personally, the connection between my mental struggles and my physical illness might be bigger than I thought. this morning was my first attempt with the journaling, and it did genuinely make me physically nauseous, so hopefully that's a good sign...? my plan is to force myself to fill an entire book before I decide whether or not it's for me.

alongside all of this, I am, of course, continuing with doctor's appointments. the wait times here in Canada are absolutely unreal though, so I figure I might as well do the best I can for myself in the meantime, and hopefully get back to living my life the way I want to.

so...

it's July 22nd, 2025. I turn 26 in a few weeks and I've been sick since I was 14.

this is not going to be the rest of my life.

bring it on.

[briarpatch-kids]

hi, i love your blog!

no pressure to answer this if no energy or if it's too personal!

I was curious about your ventilator, as I have some similar health issues i think (I have severe ME/CFS, with weakness requiring power chair & often being too weak to breathe well--my O2 is good but I can get out of breath from the overexertion it takes to breathe, haha)

I searched and can't find what the ventilator is specifically for (maybe I'm just not seeing it)

If you're okay answering, what is the ventilator for, and maybe what was the process of getting it? How much does it help?

Thank you, no pressure, appreciate your blog, have a lovely day!!! 💖

It's for co2 build up due to mitochondrial disease weakening my trunk muscles including my diaphragm. I don't breathe often enough or deep enough, so while my oxygen is good, I get paranoid and start to hallucinate. I also just kinda... blank out and spend a lot of time in a haze without it as well. Plus, any kind of respiratory illness just takes forever to go away and turns into pneumonia really quick. (Took me four days to go from rsv to pneumonia, and my oxygen sats dropped to 90 while I was sick for example.)

I would look into getting a sleep study and/or a pulmonary function test if you think you might need one, generally it shows if you aren't breathing enough and shows how your breathing changes when you fatigue. I went from needing a cpap at night only, to needing a bipap at night and having to use it more and more often during the day, to needing a ventilator on bipap 24/7. A lot of people who fatigue out like that, using bipap at night gives your muscles enough of a break and they won't need a portable ventilator during the day. I'm just kind of a weird case because I have a neuromuscular disease.

[necropolis144]

it's been over a year since i started showing symptoms of long-covid and me/cfs. no matter how much or little i work it feels like everything is steadily getting worse. i'm taking harder hits over less strain on my body. if i try to engage with hobbies or do extra work for my business instead of laying in bed for hours after work the exhaustion builds up and it hits hard. it's hard to stay consistent with art and hobbies when you can hardly sit up. i can barely even scrounge up the energy to lay and play videogames that require too much mental energy. i can still play honkai star rail or genshin impact since it's usually muscle memory for me at this point, but i struggle to play stardew or fnaf because it uses too much of my brain. right now i'm just laying here listening to music because it's one of the only things i can do that stimulates my brain enough but doesn't expend the 2% of my energy i have left after work today. it's hard, and i'm still kind of in denial about everything. it's hard to accept that i'm disabled now. yes, i am able to work, but i have a "sedentary" lifestyle and even that is putting a lot of strain on me. i want it to get better and i'll think that if i just build things up, just move a little bit more every day, maybe i can get my life back. but i don't know if that's possible. i'm kind of scared?? because i hate not doing something. i've always liked working and having personal projects and learning and doing everything i can but if i don't have that then what? i haven't figured that part out yet.

[theunemployedrogue]

My new coworker, who is *really* physically fit, has been trying to get me to come to her Crossfit gym. She herself describes it as "culty" and she frequently has muscle issues due to lifting, but it's still tempting.

I've always been "skinny-fat" and it sounds like she was too before doing CF, so part of me wants to see if I could build some muscle like that. I'm at a point with my fitness that my body fat averages around 21-22%, but it concentrates in my stomach and face and I don't look as lean as I'd prefer.

[chipped-chimera]

FOR THE TIRED PEOPLE: Some new research about Chronic + ADHD(inattentive) related fatigue, and BCAAs

[DISCLAIMER // I AM NOT A DOCTOR. I AM NOT A MEDICAL PRACTITIONER. I AM NOT A DIETICIAN. I'm just a big tired nerd with way too much time on my hands who likes science. I am however, sharing this because this could potentially help others and BCAAs are already safe for human consumption, widely used and easily accessible. If you are uncertain about adding BCAAs to your diet please talk to your doctor first. There are also some medications which interact negatively with BCAA's. Do your research. Also generally be careful about taking medical advice from the internet! ]

I was going to post about something else but I went down the rabbit hole of explaining this study I read and decided that no, this needed it's own thing or it's gonna be a mile long.

So in one of my usual weekly fatigue breakdowns where I was scraping the internet for any kind of information that might point out something I've SURELY missed to explain why I feel the way I do, I stumbled across this study published last year (2022) -

[ The relationship between central fatigue and Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder of the inattentive type ]

The TL;DR on the paper - our previous assumptions about the tryptophan-serotonin system might be wrong (tryptophan being the precursor for a bunch of stuff, including melatonin which is the sleepy chemical - aka why people say drink warm milk before bed to help sleep, that's tryptophan) what was previously assumed was reducing tryptophan = bad because it could affect serotonin production.

Testing in rats (so grain of salt here) indicated that higher levels of tryptophan =/= higher levels of serotonin and when reducing the level of free tryptophan in the bloodstream it returned to baseline. High levels of tryptophan were associated with fatigue and inattention, and rats on a tryptophan deficient diet by contrast took longer to reach a state of exhaustion. I'm skipping over a bunch of stuff but basically - research is now pointing to both Chronic Fatigue and ADHD related fatigue being related to Central Nervous System Fatigue which up until now, has only really been associated with the fatigue athletes experience when exercising really hard (now just picture me doing jack shit and feeling like that every day. Yeah). I've only just stared to see bits and pieces pop up about this recently but nothing in relation to this tryptophan study.

Anyway, the thing about BCAAs: BCAAs (Branched Chain Amino Acids) are currently used to reduce the uptake of tryptophan in the brain for better performance in athletes, help with reduction of exercise fatigue (CNS fatigue) and muscle building. You can pretty easily find BCAA's added to protein-shakes or in it's own kind of supplement. It also occurs naturally in some foods (Beef, Chicken, Eggs, Lentils, Chickpeas, Brown Rice etc.) so it is absolutely safe to consume. It's also generally fairly affordable (especially compared to the lengthy process of treatment + medications that might not even work and you have to keep changing them, yes I am talking from personal experience).

Again, this is all very new and absolutely needs so much more research because up until now, no one has really been sure what causes Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, but tests have shown that those suffering CFS demonstrate similar activation of their muscles as fatigued athletes - as in they could activate them but not to their full capacity. This connection is only considered 'possible' and it might take a good few years before we can say anything with certainty.

But as an extremely tired bitch who is extremely tired of being extremely fucking tired, I am sharing this because it's easy to get, safe, and affordable and if you're like me you're about ready to try anything. And it's not another goddamn pill (I'm on 14 a day).

Also for the ADHDers specifically: protein rich diets are usually advised for us because it helps with the metabolism of stimulants, and can help with softening medication crashes when they wear off. So adding a protein shake with BCAAs to your morning routine might be a good idea. Or just any protein shake in general.

There can be side effects to taking BCAAs, but it is considered rare and this depends entirely on the person. Cross check existing medications, talk to your doc etc. if you are not 100% certain adding BCAAs to your diet is possible. Stay safe peeps.

[keepingupwithkrispy]

What have you accomplished that you are proud of? Celebrate your achievements, no matter how big or small, and acknowledge the hard work and dedication it took to reach them.

I’m proud of finishing my degree and building a career despite a few speed bumps along the way. Since my freshman year of high school I knew I wanted to go into the healthcare field. My freshman year of college was a wake up call. I didn’t really have to put a lot of thought into high school. After failing anatomy my freshman year and becoming a 4.5 year student I realized I needed to figure out how to study and do well in classes. It was my sophomore year of college where I started to question if I chose the right path. At the time I looked into transferring to a different major, but it would have been a matter of starting from scratch. My nursing degree didn’t crossover well if at all to other majors. I’m not sure if it was sophomore or junior year of college, but I failed pharmacology as well. I would say this was the fault of both parties (teacher and student). I had to find an equivalent course to make up for this, which I ended up doing online with a better experience and outcome. This led me to the infamous path of being a 5th year student. I never gave up, which comes down to my resiliency and having the drive to finish something I set out to do. However, I knew my degree was worthless unless I passed the NCLEX.

After I finished my degree - I started to get my ducks in a row and assumed everything would fall into place after graduation. I started interviewing and applying for jobs - I had a nurse residency program lined up contingent on passing the NCLEX. I ended up failing the NCLEX the first time around, which was very disappointing when I thought I would pass. I think missing out on the job opportunity I had lined up was a blessing because I wouldn’t be who I am today without the career opportunities I have had since then. I failed the NCLEX multiple times before passing - I had an epiphany when I did pass - I had to want it otherwise it wasn’t going to happen. This realization allowed me to create pathways to make connections and retain what I was studying. I couldn’t simply memorize the information and hope to pass the exam.

Upon passing the NCLEX I started to apply for jobs with criteria that I wanted. Mainly no night shift positions because I knew I wouldn’t be able to function with that kind of lifestyle. I got a job in a speciality, which was great as they tend to pay a bit more than a staff position. The big reason I chose the speciality I did is because the company is worldwide and I saw the opportunity for growth within. I’ve been with the company for going on 5 years now - I couldn’t be more satisfied with the opportunities I have had to travel to so many different clinics. It has allowed me to expand and refine my practice as a dialysis nurse and grow as a human. Since starting with the company I have increased my pay by 25%, which is something to me.

I’m proud of the body I’ve built as a byproduct of making movement a priority for the last 15 years. I’ve always dreamt of being able to lift heavier weights since starting CF. I’ve allowed my body to evolve in her own time knowing it takes several years and dedication to build muscle. As a result I’ve become a more confident and empowered version of myself.

[shellsinadune]

ordered a body braid (with the extension)!!! i was putting it off because it's so expensive but i managed to convince my dad to go halves on it. he cried when we talked about how i might be more able to exercise with it.

this year has been great for my health so far, the nicotine patches mean i can do so much more and crashes aren't as bad. i'd say my me/cfs is now at the mild end of moderate, instead of the severe end like it was 6 months ago. oh and i've been able to build up enough muscle that my legs aren't atrophied anymore. my arms and core still need work though, which i need back stability for. hence the body braid. i'm so excited to not be in pain when sitting up for more than like 10 minutes!!!!!

[muddiestpath]

Vent about the last post (my health, not about OP)

I remember being so ill from that random stomach bug that I saw everything the same value & could recognise shapes. I barely kept down water & these nairn's fruit/out biscuits(gluten-free bc I'm also coeliac).

My room used to be next to the living room & I could hear my family laugh at the tv as I stared at the picture on my wall, thinking I was dying. I couldn't speak to ask for help. If I messaged on my phone, it'd not be seen or be met with "in a minute" responses that 60٪ would be forgotten.

It took them 3 months to take me to the Dr.

I remember once I started being able to walk to the living room, my mum (in perhaps her attempt of being positive or cheering me up) said how much slimmer I was. I had lost my muscle mass & only ate the above single pack of 4 biscuits in a day.

That was the moment I lost faith in her. The nail in the coffin of my trust in her. She was doing what most ppl do when they see an ill relative: find something to compliment. But after the year I had been through of complete isolation, where she forgot me on the otherside of that living room wall. All she saw was I was thinner & that was positive to her.

Sorry, didn't mean to zero in on my mum. They all did similar things, she just was more often overpromising support.

Now is better. I'm in a bigger room in the attic with my own bathroom & space for my rabbit to run around. I can walk around the house & garden. I can eat 2 meals some days. I am larger than I was before. Still get motion sick near instantly at shakey cameras/first person perspective games & barely manage 10min car ride. Still don't wear my glasses bc my prescription keeps changing & glasses make me nauseous (as you can imagine I now am deathly afraid of nausea & am on situational anxiety/antinausea meds). I'm short-sighted with astigmatism, not too bad most days but sometimes I get a bloodshot eye or eyestrain, I know it's not healthy but being told I have to power through the nausea to readjust to glasses... isn't going to happen.

I'm on financial support but it's not built for chronic conditions & I don't have the energy(haha) to fight the gov to pass the long promised system reform for disability aid. This support also means I am legally unable to earn any money unless I cancel my support all together. We were promised in 2018 a new disability category for cfs/me & long covid that would allow me to work when I am able. It is now buried as a "rolling issue".

I'm trying every day to do the stretches & exercises to build muscle strength back. But CFS/ME has no treatment or cure, so again it's a "tough it out" situation where most days I can't even do those stretches.

Recently a new Dr has me on thyroid supplements & I can only "hope" it helps.

But over everything. I am actually lonely! I've never felt this before. I'm a severe introvert, I have a tiny social battery. But now I'm years out of university, have about 5 ppl I talk to online even semi regularly, & I haven't seen anyone outside my family or medical professionals in those years.

I am now 30 & have no footing in meeting new people irl or online.

I want to have more friends. I want to experience what dating is like. But I have so little energy or social skills that it's it seems like I'm brushing them off. Added to the fact I'm asleep when everyone I know is online? It bites.

I want a new body with better hardware. This one is faulty. But I'm stuck in it & doing my best. Don't pity me. My family already does that.

[captain-kit-adventuress]

Ok. So. I don't like being personal on social media, not even tumblr. But this one time I'm going to go really deep.

I am currently in remission from a disorder where my pituitary gland, for Reasons™, makes too much of the signalling hormone which tells the body to make cortisol. Effectively, the condition is that there was far too much cortisol circulating in my body for years. Cortisol does a metric crap-tonne of things in the body, but it is commonly known as a stress hormone. And it is that. Any kind of stress, cortisol is probably involved in some way. (That counts for eustress, too!)

But that's only a little bit of what cortisol does. It's known as a catabolic steroid. That's the opposite of an anabolic steroid–like the kind sketchy athletes might take, the so-called performance-enhancing drug. So what does that mean?

Catabolic steroids break things down, which means, after awhile, cortisol will break things down. In short bursts, cortisol is super helpful. But too much over a long period of time and it will physically destroy your body. It will rob you of potassium, which helps keep muscles and bones healthy. It will interfere with sleep. It will keep you in a state of fight-or-flight and sometimes you won't even feel it, it'll just feel like anxiety. You'll probably gain weight (that itself isn't bad, but it can trigger a lot of bad things, like weight stigma). It can interfere with memory processes and building new memories. There is not a part of your body cortisol doesn't touch, and there is not a part of your body cortisol will not destroy if it touches it for too long.

Three years ago, I could walk. Three years ago, I could brush my hair without a break because my arms are so tired. Three years ago, I barely noticed whatever my weight was, not because I was thin (I have been fat for a long time), but because it just felt like my body. It was neutral. Three years ago, I was up for any and all things, and while I got tired really easily, and sometimes had trouble with physical movement, I figured it was just the result of overdoing it, like most people.

It was cortisol destroying me. It only took three years. Now, I have a neuroendocrine disorder. It is rare that most people's cortisol levels are consistently that high throughout the day. But that's sort of my point, too. It may take a lot longer, but cortisol–stress–it will kill you too. I am the end result of what people call psychosomatic illness. My disorder is not psychosomatic. But thinking that stress is merely mental and not physical, no matter the cause, is dead wrong. And I know this because I almost died.

Even though I have been in remission for awhile now, I can't walk much farther than a few feet without having to sit down. I can't stand for even a minute. I fear my heart and lungs are permanently damaged. My bones are weaker than they have ever been, and my muscles are damaged, possibly permanently. I'm thisclose to osteoporosis. My memory is very weak; I often describe it as a melted piece of Swiss cheese set precariously between two ledges. I cannot care for myself in many ways. And because my condition is rare, we don't have enough data to know if this may reverse itself in time, with work, or if it's permanent, or maybe has developed into CFS.

Stress will kill you.

you need to get it out of your mind that psychosomatic illness is just “making up symptoms” when it’s actually much more like your body is being actively poisoned by chemicals released from your brain

[briarpatch-kids]

I also think people need to understand that no bad treatment is 100% bad. Things become treatments for a reason. I have moderate-severe CFS and graded exercise therapy (GET) almost made me bedbound. It also helped some people regain some of their mobility. I still think it shouldn't be recommended as a treatment for CFS because of the severe risk involved, but the people who it helped weren't wrong or manipulated. A treatment can help some people and still be a net negative for people with that condition.

Yeah, treatments are always down to the individual and can really depend on who gives them too. No way would I trust the VA physical therapists to do the contracture prevention type of therapy I was complaining about earlier, but I recommend the lady I see to everyone needing therapy in the valley.

Also, you might want to look into getting a muscle biopsy or screening for mito because mitochondrial disease often looks like moderate to severe me/cfs and is misdiagnosed as such. There was a couple years where doctors were telling me I had fibro and me/cfs but it wasn't. The recommended treatment for that is low level endurance exercise to the point of fatigue but not past. (You learn what "tired from exercise" vs "overdid it and fatigued" feels like pretty quick) It's taken me a couple years to build up to an hour and a half of time on wheelchair running so you go REALLY slow building endurance and its all self driven meaning if I feel like I got hit by a truck I don't go run.

[echo-bleu]

Writing thoughts: Nothing In This World (1/?) - Bruno’s illness

I’ve been saying I want to ramble about my writing on this blog for literal years and never actually follow through. Paired with the fact that I frequently type up author notes for chapters and then remove them because they’re too long, well. It’s time.

Fandom: Encanto Type: Canon divergence, Bruno&Mirabel-centric (Bruno takes Mirabel and flees the Encanto) Link: here (first three chapters, at this point).

This will contain minor spoilers for both the posted chapters and the story as a whole.

I’ve been asked in multiple comments what exactly causes Bruno’s chronic illness and his rapid decline in the first chapters of the story. My idea of him being chronically ill because his visions mess with his body originally came from a combo of Jared Bush implying that his visions can be physically painful and me somehow writing various disabled characters into all my fics (of course, Bruno is also canonically disabled since he has OCD, and he’s autistic in my fic, but that’s a subject for another post).

In the movie, Bruno’s power is the only one that’s both active (as opposed to Luisa’s, Dolores’s, Antonio’s or even maybe Julieta’s) and apparently fully controllable (Pepa, Camilo and Isabela all lose control while shocked or emotional), so it seems to be a bit of an outlier. But we also see very little of it, and Bruno hasn’t been using it for 10 years, so we don’t know a lot about it.

For this story, my headcanon is that Bruno’s power was never meant to be used the way he uses it. Playing with time is something serious, and visions of the future seem like something you should kind of reserve for grave events, not predicting the death of a goldfish. So his power, as given by the miracle, is supposed to be relatively uncontrolled and fairly rare visions that warn them of impending catastrophes. But under Alma’s overbearing expectations, Bruno learned to exert a huge amount of control over it and see other people’s future.

The side effect of that misuse of his power is that it’s destroying his nervous system. Each vision is physiologically similar to a seizure. While he had Julieta’s cooking on hand, it healed some of the after effects (in my mind, her gift only accelerates the body’s natural healing, it doesn’t heal everything). But the damage builds up and once Bruno left, his gift also became harder to control and access the furthest he was from the candle.

His symptoms are all neurological (brain fog, fatigue, loss of muscle tone, shaking hands, dizziness/nausea, nerve pain, and some you haven’t seen yet). I took inspiration from a number of neurological conditions, especially ME/CFS, epilepsy and strokes. I purposefully stayed away from vision-related symptoms because the blind seer trope is seriously overrated (and often ableist), but it does to some extent affect his senses as well, and his short-term memory.

People who’ve read my fics before already know this, but since this is a new fandom for me: Bruno’s happy ending will not be him being “cured”. I want to get him to a place where his illness is manageable and not immediately life-threatening, but he will remain chronically ill, just like he’ll always be autistic and have OCD.

[anunusualvisitor]

Guys.

While there are many reasons to be experiencing burnout nowadays, there is a very real possibility that, in the wake of COVID, you are not suffering from just burnout, but from something called ME/CFS. It’s something you can get from any number of sources, but it’s gained recent notoriety as a part of Long Covid.

Unfortunately, I don’t currently have the spoons to attach resources (because I have the condition myself 🙄) - but in the meantime, there’s some info under the readmore that might help? I’d give it a look if you think you might be suffering from burnout, just to check.

it’s worth doing a little research yourself and acquainting yourself with the symptoms. Here are a few:

Post-exertional malaise: this is the big one. This is what makes it so much like burnout. Basically, you tire out much easier and it takes a lot longer to recover. Practically anything can count as exertion if you’re sick enough - exercise, talking to friends, reading, video games… massive pain in the ass. And weird, shitty, seemingly unrelated symptoms can pop out of nowhere the sicker you get.

Brain fog: another form of fuckery. Cognitive impairment. Your energy levels are lower, so your brain doesn’t cooperate the way it should. This leads to trouble recalling things, trouble making decisions, lack of coordination, and many, many other frustrating things.

Immune system problems: these are a cluster of symptoms that can vary quite a bit from case to case. I hear your immune system can get underactive, and you can get diseases more easily, among other things? (Fact check this.) My mom and I, on the other hand, have overactive immune systems, and we get lovely symptoms like food sensitivities from out of nowhere. Like eggs? Good source of nutrients? Fuck you, stomach don’t like them anymore, have headaches and gastric agony from the pain dimension.

Generalized muscle and joint pain: I don’t have the research in front of me, but from what I can remember, lactic acid builds up more easily in the muscles of those with ME/CFS. Basically, it doesn’t take much effort for you to get sore, and you have achy spots on your body that improve with massages but don’t seem to go away completely or permanently. (My mom and I both get sore in our lower backs)

These are just some of the symptoms you can get. Still with me? Good.

Think you might have it?

Things can be done about this. Really smart people have been working hard to find a cure, and there’ve been some really promising discoveries.

Now, ME/CFS is a real sonuvabitch to diagnose because so far, there’s been no way to test for it directly - you have to use process of elimination instead, and rule out other conditions. This is a long and annoying process.

Unfortunately, I can’t speak when it comes to other forms of health insurance in the United States besides Medicaid. But what you’ll wanna do is basically take various lists (which are part of a packet that my mom put together - I’ll link said packet on a reblog) to different specialists, and test for the conditions on those lists. Rule ‘em out, make sure you don’t have them.

Again, this is arduous and difficult. But getting a diagnosis can be very helpful when it comes to getting support or benefits.

That said, there are things you can do without having to get a diagnosis. Certain medications have been known to help with the symptoms. I’ll list a couple that have helped me here.

DO NOT TAKE MEDICATIONS WILLY-NILLY WITHOUT CONSULTING YOUR DOCTOR. MAKE SURE THEY’RE SAFE FIRST.

I recently had an incident where I took one of these meds, and some potentially deadly complications came up. It got resolved, I was able to continue taking it, but you can’t be too careful!

Metformin has helped some people with ME/CFS. I happened to have other reasons for taking it, but once I did, I noticed that my energy levels raised a bit and I had less brain fog.

Naltrexone is a medication best known for treating cravings and addictions. In smaller doses, it can help diminish the negative impact of the symptoms. (However, it’s been known to amplify the effects of some other medications - this is what I had trouble with earlier. Be cautious and pay attention to your body!)

Trazodone can be used in small doses to help with sleep issues, including those caused by ME/CFS - more lovely symptoms that I didn’t mention earlier. Again, pay attention to this one, because it can cause problems if you’re not careful - especially if you take a lot of medications.

You’ll notice that use of these medications are generally off-label, as they’re usually prescribed for other reasons.

Now, don’t create more problems for yourself or lie to your doctor(s), but if you happen to have the problems those medications are intended to treat (i.e. you struggle with cravings or sleep problems), then by all means, use those problems to get the help you need!

…

This is a lot of information, I know. And I’m sorry. This entire disease is bullshit.

I have one final piece of advice. The most annoying, frustrating, and yet important part of all this.

The most consistent way you get better - improve your condition, become less sick - is by resting.

It is the hardest fucking part.

Because there will be things that you will want to do. Or need to do. Or have to do. Some of those things will be unavoidable, and you might take a hit when you do them. But otherwise? You’re going to have to rest.

You’re going to have to listen to your body when it tells you ‘no.’ Even if it means not hanging out with friends. Or doing something that would normally be really good for you. Or, hell, even just getting outside of the house. There will be times where you have to lie in bed and just… do nothing.

And you will fuck up sometimes, because you want to live and exist in the world. That’s okay - don’t beat yourself up about it. Just do the best you can. The whole game is rigged, and you shouldn’t have to play it in the first place, but that doesn’t mean you can’t win.

All of that up there - the more intense stuff - that can be avoided if you take care of yourself and start resting up early, before things get too bad. But if not, don’t give up, you can make it through this.

Hopefully no part of this comes across as unhelpful or pretentious or anything - if this helps at least one other person, I consider it a success. But hopefully it’ll help more people than that.

Take care of yourselves, lovelies.

🩵

maddening that there is a common medical condition whose symptoms consist of massive long-term loss of mental and physical functions, due to the incredibly damaging effects of prolonged stress overextending the mind and body by pushing it into survival mode beyond endurance—and that there is no medical term for it. despite the fact it's so damn common that everyone knows of someone suffering from "burnout."

[theartofdreaming1]

As usual, my thoughts regarding this week’s prompts and random thoughts on chapters 25-27 are below the cut.

heart

The imagery that really caught my attention this time was Peeta pointing out the changes in the moon to Katniss: The only indication of the passage of time lies in the heavens, the subtle shift of the moon. So Peeta begins pointing it out to me, insisting I acknowledge its progress and sometimes, for just a moment I feel a flicker of hope before the agony of the night engulfs me again. - So for one, we see another example of Peeta focusing on the small details in life (which I’ve previously hypothesized to being an important element in his recovery from his hijacking) as well as Peeta being the one to give Katniss hope, even if it’s just for a brief moment. Also, it’s a nice parallel to Katniss looking at the moon and desperately wishing for it to be “her moon” back in chapter 23. As a nocturnal person, I also love watching the moon from my living room window🌙

mind

Hmmh, I don’t think that Katniss and Peeta’s win was predetermined - although I do believe that by introducing the romantic angle, they significantly improved their odds. A Career winning the Games is not really that special and exciting, since it happens so often (although Careers generally satisfy that excitement for violence/blood/gore, that plenty of Capitol people seem to share). As a volunteer from District 12, who achieved an extremely good training score and proved herself to be very capable in the arena already, Katniss definitely had an edge by playing into the classic underdog story, which offered another exciting “narrative” for the Capitolites to follow - that, coupled (heh) with the romance angle Peeta introduced? Katniss (and Peeta) definitely had the entertainment (and excitement through novelty) factor on their side. Ironically, Cato’s chances of winning were not as good as he expected, precisely because he was playing it by the book.

soul

Poor Peeta (and Katniss), it hurts that their relationship was in such a rocky place by the end of the book. Especially those weeks right after the end of Book 1, when there were still cameras around District 12 and they had to pretend while hurting must have sucked big time🥺

Chapter 25

Ugh, the muttations are just so unsettling... *shudder*

Honestly, I’m just so impressed by Peeta’s presence of mind to draw that X on Cato’s hand, after he had just most of his calf ripped off, only to be grabbed and put in a headlock by Cato! He and Katniss work insanely well under pressure

God, Cato’s death is just so gruesome and awful... In the end, his “gift” from the Feast doesn’t help him win at all, but instead ends up prolonging his suffering a cruel amount... I wonder if in general these “gifts” come with a string attached (aside from the expected danger of trying to get them, I mean) - because the Gamemakers also intend for Katniss’s “gift” (medicine for Peeta) to force an even more cruel outcome on her - saving him from blood poisoning only to be forced into killing him herself... 🤔

I’m not sure if this is exactly medical protocol, but I’m terrified that if he drifts off he’ll never wake again. “Are you cold?” he asks. He unzips his jacket and I press against him as he fastens it around me. - Katniss is terrified of the idea of Peeta dying; at the same time, Peeta worries about her freezing - I can’t with these two 😩

Peeta begins to doze off now, and each time he does, I find myself yelling his name louder and louder because if he goes and dies on me now, I know I’ll go completely insane. He’s fighting it, probably more for me than for him - Katniss can’t lose any more people she cares about 😢; on a different note, Peeta fighting his unconsciousness “probably more for [Katniss] than for him” points out one of the crucial elements Katniss brings into Peeta’s life - she is that someone for whom he will fight - including for his own life and well-being - even when it feels easier to give up... Having that person in your life that keeps you going can make all the difference - if Katniss hadn’t had Prim and promised her “to really, really try” to win (and later also made Rue the same promise), I’m not sure she would have made it this far; it’s the thought of Prim anxiously watching her after Rue’s death, that forces Katniss to keep going, to not give in to despair after that particular traumatic event - Peeta, on the other hand, didn’t really have that kind of person in his life, as he will point out on the beach in CF (and Katniss acknowledges herself that the only person who will be devasted if Peeta dies is her)... that is not to say that neither Katniss nor Peeta aren’t fighters on their own - but it helps to have someone that inspires you to not give up

the adrenaline pumping through my body would never allow me to follow him, so I can’t let him go. I just can’t. - We’ll see the mirrored version of this by the end of Mockinjay 

Pity, not vengeance, sends my arrow flying into [Cato’s] skull. - Another act of rebellion, technically (sure, this can be spun as Katniss killing Cato so she and Peeta may win - before Peeta dies from blood loss - but we know better - Katniss’s motivation was compassion for her supposed enemy)

We inch down to the tail of the horn and fall to the ground. If the stiffness in my limbs is this bad, how can Peeta even move? - Peeta is tough as nails, yo!

Before I am even aware of my actions, my bow is loaded with the arrow pointed straight at his heart [...] I drop my weapons and take a step back, my face burning in what can only be shame. “No,” he says. “Do it.” [...] “I can’t,” I say, “I won’t.” - In spite of her initial reflex, Katniss chooses Peeta/ chooses not to kill him; it’s a recurring theme in their relationship (despite her wariness of others, she chooses to open up to Peeta eventually; although she vowed to never marry and have children, she’ll choose to have a family with Peeta); also, my psychology-brain just noticed how this moment illustrates how harmful thoughts/impulses don’t have to determine your actions and are not an indicator of who you are - it’s about what you choose to do

“You’re not leaving me here alone,” I say. Because if he dies, I’ll never go home, not really. I’ll spend the rest of my life in this areny trying to think my way out. - Again, makes me think of MJ; also, I think that from this point onwards, Katniss and Peeta are officially linked together forever; the bond they forged during this traumatic experience will connect them to each other until the day they die

“On the count of three?” Peeta leans down and kisses me once, very gently. “The count of three,” he says. - My heart😭

Chapter 26

... while our muscles are immobile, nothing is preventing the blood from draining out of Peeta’s leg. Sure enough, the minute the door closes behind us and the current stops, he slumps to the floor unconscious  [...] Through the glass, I see the doctors working feverishly on Peeta, their brows creased in concentration [...] I’m not sure, but I think his heart stops twice. - Peeta was in such a bad shape by the end of the Games; I’m still kinda salty that the movie really glossed over this fact :/

... they’re taking Peeta but leaving me behind the door. I start hurling myself against the glass, shrieking and I think I just catch a glimpse of pink hair - it must be Effie, it has to be Effie coming to my rescue - when the needle jabs me from behind. - Oh geez, in Catching Fire Katniss will also get sedated in a hovercraft because she’s upset about being separated from Peeta 😢 (also, Katniss thinking that Effie is coming to her rescue 😭)

While she [Lavinia, the avox] adjusts my pillows, I risk one question. I say it out loud, as clearly as my rusty voice will allow, so nothing will seem secretive. “Did Peeta make it?” She gives me a nod, and as she slips a spoon into my hand, I feel the pressure of friendship. - Katniss is so considerate of Lavinia’s situation, and Lavinia’s giving her a gesture of comfort and support; they’ve never been able to have a proper conversation (Katniss doesn’t even know Lavinia’s name), but still they managed to build up such a bond - compassion certainly is a strong thing to behold 😭 (and this whole scene is just through and through about compassion, with Katniss asking how Peeta is doing!)

Home! Prim and my mother! Gale! Even the thought of Prim’s scruffy old cat makes me smile. Soon I will be home! - Katniss is so excited to see her home and her loved ones again

I want to get out of this bed. To see Peeta and Cinna - Aww, the two people she grew closest to over the course of the past weeks (Haymitch will be added to that list in just a smidge)

Or do I hear a man’s voice yelling? Not in the Capitol accent, but in the rougher cadences of home. And I can’t help having a vague, comforting feeling that someone is looking out for me. - Thank God for Haymitch! 

And behind one of them [doors] must be Peeta. Now that I’m conscious and moving, I’m growing more and more anxious about him [...] “Peeta!” I call out, since there’s no one to ask - Katniss is sick with worry over Peeta; romantic feelings or not, she cares so fricking much for him by now!

I run for them [Effie, Haymitch, and Cinna] and surprise even myself when I launch into Haymitch’s arms first. When he whispers in my ear, “Nice job, sweetheart,” it doesn’t sound sarcastic. - These reunion scenes are so intense and heartwarming! And then Katniss asks about Portia and Peeta because their presence would make this scene complete 

when I asks for seconds, I’m refused. “No, no, no. They don’t want it all coming back up on the stage,” says Octavia, but she secretly slips me an extra roll under the table to let me know she’s on my side - It’s moments like these that help humanize Katniss’s prep team - they might be shallow, they might be completely oblivious and ignorant, but they aren’t that bad [of course, the prep team chattering about their mundane lives while talking about the event that ended with the deaths of 22 children shortly after, leaves a bad taste in our mouths]

I immediately notice the padding over my breasts, adding curves that hunger has stolen from my body. My hands go to my chest and I frown. “I know,” says Cinna before I can object. “But the Gamemakers wanted to alter you surgically. Haymitch had a huge fight with them over it. This was the compromise.” - God, the idea that the Gamemakers wanted to give a boob job to an unconscious, malnourished 16-year-old girl makes me sick 🤢 (Also, what’s the flipping deal about boobs?! As a pretty flat-chested gal, I’ve always been annoyed that there are barely any bras my cup size that are not push-up ones; I’m not self-conscious about it, so stop making me pretend that I’m bustier than I actually am!)

“I thought it’d be something more... sophisticated-looking,” I say. “I thought Peeta would like this better,” he [Cinna] answers carefully. Peeta? No, it’s not about Peeta. It’s about the Capitol and the Gamemakers and the audience. Although I do not yet understand Cinna’s design, it’s a reminder the Games are not quite finished. - Ugh, that sinking feeling when Katniss and the reader realize that the Games are still not over... Sidenote: Peeta flirted up a storm with grimy, bloodied Katniss and complimented her when she wore Cinna’s first, absolutely badass costume (”You should wear flames more often”)... Katniss’s girlish outfit  has nothing to do with Peeta and she knows it... Cinna could have dressed Katniss up in a trash bag and Peeta would have been smitten - although a trash bag by Cinna would probably still look pretty good ;)

“How about a hug for luck?” Okay, that’s an odd request from Haymitch but, after all we are victors. Maybe a hug for luck is in order. - Aww, Katniss actually wouldn’t have minded giving Haymitch a hug just because - sadly, this is about survival tips instead :/

But what was it Haymitch said when I asked it he had told Peeta the situation? That he had to pretend to be desperately in love? “Don’t have to. He’s already there.” Already thinking ahead of me in the Games again and well aware of the danger we’re in? Or... already desperately in love? I don’t know. I haven’t even begun to separate out my feelings about Peeta. It’s too complicated. - Poor Katniss... she didn’t have the time and peace of mind to sort out her feelings regarding Peeta before they all got tied up and muddled with her need for survival. Now she’ll be having an even harder time trying to untangle that mess :(

Chapter 27

Then there’s Peeta just a few yards away. He looks so clean and healthy and beautiful, I can hardly recognize him. But his smile is the same whether in mud or in the Capitol and when I see it, I take about three steps and fling myself into his arms [...] He rights himself and we just cling to each other while the audience goes insane. He’s kissing me and all the time I’m thinking, Do you know? Do you know how much danger we’re in? After about ten minutes of this, Caesar Flickerman taps on his choulder to continue the show, and Peeta just pushes him aside without even glancing at him. - Man, their reunion here always gets me - it would be so fricking good if Katniss didn’t have to worry about their potential doom 😒😔 - she barely has time to just be happy to see Peeta alive and well before slipping back into survival mode while Peeta is just genuinely thrilled to have her in his arms, completely unaware of the pressure and immediate danger Katniss experiences in this moment... It hurts so bad

I’m with Katniss - How did the previous victors endure rewatching those horrible moments from the Games?! I guess because they had to, but oof... I think I’d just completely shut down, blocking out the footage shown, ugh

But I do notice they omit the part where I covered her [Rue] in flowers. Right. Because even that smacks of rebellion. - In such a callous and cruel place as Panem, any act of compassion can be regarded as rebellion, it’s crazy. In a place filled with apathy, hedonism, greed, and cruelty, the most radical things you can exhibit are love, kindness, and respect!

A wave of gratitude to the filmmakers sweeps over me when they end not with the announcement of our victory, but with me pounding on the glass door of the hovercraft, screaming Peeta’s name as they try to revive him. In terms of survival, it’s my best moment all night. - Again, another instance where Katniss’s genuine feelings/reactions to Peeta are get muddled with her need for survival

The one thing I never do is let go of Peeta’s hand. - irrevocably linked with each other

Despite Haymitch’s running interference, I’m determined to see Peeta privately. - Katniss just wants to have an honest and open talk with Peeta 😢 (I get where Haymitch is coming from, and maybe in this instance it’s the right call, but we’ll see a similar situation in the beginning of CF when Haymitch advises Katniss not to tell Peeta about President Snow’s visit and that time, it doesn’t go so well...)

Then Peeta’s there looking handsome in red and white - for someone who isn’t sure whether she’s into him or not, Katniss sure mentions how good Peeta’s looking a lot 😏

“Well, there’s just this and we go home. Then he can’t watch us all the time,” says Peeta. - 👀👀 Peeta is so thirsty here; reminds me of when he pulled Katniss close to him in the cave before they set out to hunt... He clearly believes she’s also “already there” regarding their relationship; he’s never this “suggestive” (can’t think of a better word right now) with her once she lets him know that she doesn’t really know how she feels about him - I feel a sort of shiver run through me and there’s no time to analyze why - Katniss totally isn’t averse to what Peeta’s suggesting here, either (though there’s probably also a healthy amount of fear mixed in with the thrill of being wanted - letting people in can be terrifying)

I can feel Peeta press his forehead into my temple and he asks, “So now that you’ve got me, what are you going to do with me?” I turn in to him. “Put you somewhere you can’t get hurt.” And when he kisses me, people in the room actually sigh. - It’s me; I’m people 🙋🏼‍♀️ (also, the “turn in to him”?!?!! it just suggests such a closeness, I can’t-)

Katniss burying her face in Peeta’s shirt when she’s afraid she might cry learning that he lost his leg 🥺 (how awful it must be to be constantly on display while you’re dealing with your private feelings, ugh)

“... The moment when you pulled out those berries. What was going on in your mind... hm?” [...] It seems to call for a big, dramatic speech, but all I get out is one almost inaudible sentences. “I don’t know, I just... couldn’t bear the thought of... being without him.” - It might not be a super eloquent way to put what she was supposed to say, but this way, Katniss is being perfectly honest (and frankly, if she’d had the chance to properly process her feelings, she would have been able to voice this sentiment with less hesitation)

I go back to my room to collect a few things and find there’s nothing to take but the mockingjay pin Madge gave me. Someone returned it to my room after the Games. - For one, Katniss didn’t think of that pin (again), but also - was the pin returned to her simply because it’s standard procedure or did someone (like Plutarch, for example) arrange for Katniss to get the pin back, to keep her connection to this symbol going?

I stare in the mirror as I try to remember who I am and who I am not. - Poor Katniss! She’s been through so much, experienced so many traumatic events in short succession recently (aside from the trauma she already had), already had problems defining her identity beyond sheer survival, and now the Capitol also keeps pushing an identity onto her and a romantic relationship, when she hadn’t even had the chance to figure out how she felt about that yet

“... Haymitch has been coaching me through the last few days. So I didn’t make it worse,” I say. “Coaching you? But not me,” says Peeta. “He knew you were smart enough to get it right,” I say. “I didn’t know there was anything to get right,” says Peeta. - Oh boy. It’s always so painful to see Peeta realize that he’s been completely out of the loop; again, we’ll see how Katniss and Haymitch adopt a similar strategy in the beginning of CF: banking on Peeta’s good social skills and eloquence and keeping him in the dark. In a way, it’s a sort of compliment they pay to Peeta for being good with people, but, by not telling him, they are also using him for their purpose (which is motivated by caring for and wanting to protect Peeta, but still). Peeta is right to be upset about it - he has always been very clear about not wanting to be used as a piece in anyone’s games, really. And, as we will see later in CF, they are way more effective as a team when they are open and honest with each other.

“It was all for the Games,” Peeta says. “How you acted.” “Not all of it,” I say, tightly holding on to my flowers. “Then how much? No, forget that. I guess the real question is what’s going to be left when we get home?” he says. “I don’t know. The closer we get to District Twelve, the more confused I get,” I say. He waits, for further explanation, but none’s forthcoming. “Well, let me know when you work it out,” he says, and the pain in his voice is palpable. - It’s just so goddamn painful😢 They’ve both been done so dirty by that forced star-crossed lovers of Distrct 12 routine. (Sidenote: I appreciate that Peeta actually gives Katniss the chance to explain herself here - still, it’s too much to deal with on the spot so I can understand why Katniss ended up dropping the ball, even though it’s frustrating to read.)

That it’s not good loving me because I’m never going to get married anyway and he’d just end up hating me later instead of sooner. That if I do have feelings for him, it doesn’t matter because I’ll never be able to afford the kind of love that leads to a family, to children. And how can he? How can he after what we’ve just been through? - Oh Katniss, you certainly are skipping a couple of steps here; I’m pretty sure there are some options in between dating and being married with kids you could look into. Also, she’s just assuming that this is what Peeta wants, but she doesn’t know that at all - As someone who also has this stupid habit of imagining how whole conversations could possibly transpire and then resigning myself to the hypothetical outcome of said imagined conversation instead of actually having them: Don’t do that. ‘Never assume - it makes an ASS out of U and ME.’ 

I see Peeta extend his hand. I look at him, unsure. “One more time? For the audience?” he says. His voice isn’ t angry. It’s hollow, which is worse. Already the boy with the bread is slipping away from me. I take his hand, holding it tightly, preparing for the cameras, and dreading the moment when I will finally have to let go. - Ma babies! They are both so hurt and both just want to be with each other 😭 But they’ll need some time apart, to figure things out before they can do that.