#strength building with ME/CFS

[compassionmattersmost]

8: Gently Building Strength with Compassion: The Converging Chest Press for Post-Viral ME/CFS

The journey toward mindful movement when living with Post-Viral ME/CFS is deeply personal, one that requires patience, gentleness, and, above all, self-compassion. Today, as we continue this path of self-care and mindful strength-building, we’re going to explore the Converging Chest Press Machine—a tool that, when used thoughtfully, can help us nurture our upper body strength in a safe and…

[writers-potion]

Fight Scenes Involving Disabled Characters

This was inspired by a comment on one of my eariler posts by @rubyjewelqueen!

Level of Fighting Involved

Depending on the condition your character has, you'll want to adjust how physically strenuous the fight scenes are going to be. This can be done by:

Giving your disabled character a partner who'll take the worst of the fighting while the disabled character does what they can.

Giving them a partner/team they can call if they're in danger, which means they'll just have to hold on until backup comes.

Using the geographic location to limit the kind of attacks the opponent can launch.

Providing your disabled character with cool weapons (if you're writing sci-fi or fantasy, magical weapons are also an option)

Think about your character's capabilities:

Loss or Deformity of Limbs can be overcome by targeted physical training to make most of existing body parts, plus synthetic limbs if that's an option.

Muscular Dystrophy allows low-intensity exercises like walking and swimming. Your character might need breathing assistance as respiratory muscles weaken which means they won't be doing much sprinting. Braces/mobility aids needed.

Neuro Musculo Disability where there are no physical deformities but an inability to to perform controlled movements can plausibly be overcome with physical training and inventing new ways to grip and swing weapons meant for able people.

Conditions that affect one's energy and strength like CFS/POTS will be able to defend themselves quite well, but probably only for like 3-5 minutes before they need to recover for days. A rush of adrenaline and extreme anxiety will help them fight quite intensely, but you'll have to consider how much training they can get with their condition. Martial art skills that need hours of practice may be out of reach for them.

Weapons

The possibilities here are endless. Feel free to invent, or use everyday items as weapons. Just to list some common ones:

Canes, hiking poles, blades hidden in boots & at the end of walking sticks, hooked canes, T-bar cane, crutches

Self-defense items like pepper spray, stun guns, personal alarms

Daggers and light blades rather than swords, chakras they can throw around

Prosthetic can be used as weapons in dire circumstances. Your character may regret it afterwards.

handguns.

Adaptive Martial Arts

With more than 180 types and martial arts styles practiced worldwide, it’s nearly impossible to define a blanket answer to inclusion. But adaptive martial arts aim to help disabled people build physical strength.

Have a martial arts guru who is disabled themselves, and teach your hero how to fight.

Pick the martial arts that doesn't emphasize a particular skill your character doesn't have. For example, karate/kickboxing/ taekwondo emphasizes kicking which won't be possible for someone on a wheelchair. Might be better to avoid ones that involve lots of grappling. Jujitsu seems quite adaptable.

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[anthroamazed]

tips for stem majors in math and science courses (spoonie + neurodivergent friendly)

hi y’all! my nameis lila and i’m a 28 year old physics and anthropology major who’s about 2 years through college (in the US)! as we’re coming up on the start of the fall ‘23 college semester, i thought i might share some really solid hacks for fellow STEM students taking science and/or math courses that i’ve basically built my college academic career on. and! these study tips are spoonie and adhd friendly! as a matter of fact, a lot of these are tips/methods that specifically work for me as a neurodivergent spoonie (i have pretty severe adhd, as well as POTS and ME/CFS), but that i think non-disabled/non-spoonie and/or neurotypical students could also benefit from using! so with out any further ado, here are my 7 tried and true study hacks for college math and science classes…

1) discover your learning style and tailor your studying towards leveraging it.

you’ve probably heard of visual, audio, and kinesthetic learning styles, but did you now there’s actually way more learning styles than just those three? i’m personally a “social learner,” meaning i learn best through discussion and socialization with 1+ other people to interact with. this could look like teaching other classmates concepts and methods that we’ve learned or discussing ideas with classmates and/or professors until i fully understand the concepts at play and how they connect and can reflect them in performing analysis and application, etc. honestly, figuring out my learning style was hands down one of the most helpful things i’ve done in college. it has allowed me to choose professors who i will mesh better with in terms of how they teach, as well as to adapt materials and methods to my style of learning in order to master them quicker and more effectively.

2) rewrite your notes after lecture, for the love of god.

this tip actually comes from my high school IB Math HL teacher, who told me to do this when i originally left high school for college. even if you think you’ve mastered the basics of the topic covered during the lecture, rewriting those notes after lecture helps really hammer in the knowledge that you’ve already established and also helps to get the wheels turning on pieces of information you might have less of a grasp on. try tp set aside at least 30 - 40 minutes after class to just rewrite your notes and try to really digest the information.

3) body doubling is one of the most beneficial things ever to be invented even if you’re not adhd, and i WILL die on that hill, thank you very much.

“body doubling” or “having an accountabilibuddy” are interchangeable terms in the adhd community that mean you have one or more consistent study buddy/buddies who you do all the homework and/or studying with in person on a regular basis, even if you’re just working next to each other in total silence. this does a couple of things. first off, it forces homework/assignments/studying to become a concrete social obligation you need to regularly show up for, rather than a nebulous obligation based on an invisible deadline. second off, it gives you 1+ partners to work out your problems concerning course topics with. third off, it allows you to build a network of peers where you feel comfortable helping each other with course material (this is especially great because it’s likely you and your classmates have different strengths regarding course content). tbh, body doubling is the other method that i, personally, have found most useful in college and i highly recommend trying it, even if you don’t have adhd.

4) teach others/your classmates the analysis and application methods you’ve learned, even if those methods aren’t 100% solidified for you (trust me on this).

the goal of stem courses is never memorization, but rather being able to understand a topic well enough to analyze a similar situation and apply the what you’ve learned creatively. this is where teaching others comes in. in order to teach others a concept and its related analysis and application well, you have to have at least a fraction of a decent understanding of these things yourself, and, further, often time in teaching these things you also learn to grasp the concepts/aanalysis/applications even better than you did before with each new teaching session. basically: teaching others is a creative way of also teaching yourself. you get the benefits of repetition, of thinking about a concept/technique/analysis and application in a new way, and of getting to apply the concept/technique/analysis and applicatioin to a new scenario each time. plus, you’ll typically make friends quickly in the process! there’s really no downside to this tip imo ;-)

5) utilize your college’s tutoring center/program(s), even when you don’t think you need to.

usually colleges have either set up a general “tutoring center,” on campus where you can find tutors for all different kinds of topics and courses available during regular hours for walk-in sessions and/or appointments free of charge or departments will hold regular weekly (or twice weekly) free on-campus tutoring sessions for specific courses. regardless of which of these options your college has, i highly recommend attending at least one tutoring session/appointment (ideally with the same tutor if/when you eventually find one you click with) every single week, even when you don’t feel like you’re struggling with the topic(s) covered in that week’s lecture. this will help you review topics and techniques covered in lecture, deepen your understanding of them, and, if nothing else, it’s an excuse to get homework out of the way while having someone else there who can help you if/when you get stuck. attending at least one session weekly also helps you get into a habit and routine of keeping up with your assignments, so you’re not left scrambling at the last minute before they’re due.

6) if you have accommodations, request access to record lectures. if you do not have accommodations, ask your professor if you are allowed to record lectures. IF YOU RECORD LECTURES, DO NOT FORGET TO REVIEW THEM!

okay, so first up for my fellow spoonies and neurodivergent peeps: when you apply for/renew your accommodations, make sure that “recordinng lectures” is on your MOA (memorandum of accommodations), because so long as it is, your professors legally cannot deny you permission to record lectures without risk of themself and the college being sued for an ADA violation. also, make friends with a classmate and ask them to record lectures and send them to you if/when you are absent (let the professor know that you’ve asked this classmate to record and send you the lecture if you are absent)

now, if you aren’t disabled, a spoonie, and/or neurodivergent, you aren’t guaranteed permission to record lectures. however. ask the professor if you can have their permission to audio record lectures (be sure to also let them know that such a recording would be for personal use only and that you don’t plan on distributing the recordings). i’ve found that many professors don’t mind you having an audio recording.

even if you aren’t an audible learner it can be really useful to have these recordings to review at a later point. oftentimes reviewing lecture recordings can be useful if you glazed over and missed a section of the lecture and/or if you can’t remember what a professor taught during a section of a lecture.

7) last but not least, on a related note, if you have accommodations, also request access to your professor’s lecture notes. if you don’t have accommodations, check if your professor posts their lecture notes for students to use.

having your professor’s notes can be extremely useful for review purposes, but they can also help you understand where your professor is going with course content and what they want to stress as important.

[roman-catholic-mass-readings]

4th June >> Mass Readings (USA)

Wednesday, Seventh Week of Eastertide 

(Liturgical Colour: White. Year: C(I))

First Reading Acts of the Apostles 20:28-38 I commend you to God who has the power to build you up and to give you an inheritance.

At Miletus, Paul spoke to the presbyters of the Church of Ephesus: “Keep watch over yourselves and over the whole flock of which the Holy Spirit has appointed you overseers, in which you tend the Church of God that he acquired with his own Blood. I know that after my departure savage wolves will come among you, and they will not spare the flock. And from your own group, men will come forward perverting the truth to draw the disciples away after them. So be vigilant and remember that for three years, night and day, I unceasingly admonished each of you with tears. And now I commend you to God and to that gracious word of his that can build you up and give you the inheritance among all who are consecrated. I have never wanted anyone’s silver or gold or clothing. You know well that these very hands have served my needs and my companions. In every way I have shown you that by hard work of that sort we must help the weak, and keep in mind the words of the Lord Jesus who himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” When he had finished speaking he knelt down and prayed with them all. They were all weeping loudly as they threw their arms around Paul and kissed him, for they were deeply distressed that he had said that they would never see his face again. Then they escorted him to the ship.

The Word of the Lord

R/ Thanks be to God.

Responsorial Psalm Psalm 68:29-30, 33-35a, 35bc-36ab

R/ Sing to God, O kingdoms of the earth. or R/ Alleluia.

Show forth, O God, your power, the power, O God, with which you took our part; For your temple in Jerusalem let the kings bring you gifts.

R/ Sing to God, O kingdoms of the earth. or R/ Alleluia.

You kingdoms of the earth, sing to God, chant praise to the Lord who rides on the heights of the ancient heavens. Behold, his voice resounds, the voice of power: “Confess the power of God!”

R/ Sing to God, O kingdoms of the earth. or R/ Alleluia.

Over Israel is his majesty; his power is in the skies. Awesome in his sanctuary is God, the God of Israel; he gives power and strength to his people.

R/ Sing to God, O kingdoms of the earth. or R/ Alleluia.

Gospel Acclamation cf. John 17:17b, 17a

Alleluia, alleluia. Your word, O Lord, is truth; consecrate us in the truth. Alleluia, alleluia.

Gospel John 17:11b-19 May they be one just as we are one.

Lifting up his eyes to heaven, Jesus prayed, saying: “Holy Father, keep them in your name that you have given me, so that they may be one just as we are one. When I was with them I protected them in your name that you gave me, and I guarded them, and none of them was lost except the son of destruction, in order that the Scripture might be fulfilled. But now I am coming to you. I speak this in the world so that they may share my joy completely. I gave them your word, and the world hated them, because they do not belong to the world any more than I belong to the world. I do not ask that you take them out of the world but that you keep them from the Evil One. They do not belong to the world any more than I belong to the world. Consecrate them in the truth. Your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, so I sent them into the world. And I consecrate myself for them, so that they also may be consecrated in truth.”

The Gospel of the Lord

R/ Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.

[ongolecharles]

DAILY SCRIPTURE READINGS (DSR) 📚 Group, Sun June 29th, 2025 ... Thirteenth Sunday In Ordinary Time, Year C/Solemnity of Saints Peter and Paul, Apostles ... DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

First Reading

------------

Acts 12:1-11

1. In Peter’s rescue from prison, how important was “prayer by the Church was fervently being made to God on his behalf”? What is Luke telling us about praying for each other?

2. Do you think the whole Church was praying for the intercession of the Holy Spirit in the selection of the new pope?

Second Reading

-----------------

2 Timothy 4:6-8, 17-18

1. “The Lord stood by me and gave me strength.” Is Paul telling us that the Lord is our constant companion, giving us what we need? Does that bring with it a certain peace?

2. Paul said he was “being poured out like a libation.” Peter had to escape from prison. Did God give them some hard tasks? Was God with them the whole time? Do you think he was with Pope Francis? Will he be with Pope Leo XIV?

Gospel

-------------

Matthew 16:13-19

1. “You are Peter and upon this rock I shall build my church.” Do you think Pope Leo XIV will be listening for revelations from the Father, As Peter did when he said Jesus was the Christ, the Son of the Living God?

2. Jesus asked Peter “Who am I for you?” He asks each of us the same question. Is Jesus a figure from the past or is he is alive today?

Today in the Gospel (cf. Mt 16, 13-20), Jesus asks the disciples a good question: “Who do people say that the Son of man is?” (v. 13).

… Many see him as a great teacher, as a special person: good, righteous, consistent, courageous. … But is this enough to understand who he is, and above all, is it enough for Jesus? It seems not. If he were simply a person from the past—just as the figures cited in the same Gospel, John the Baptist, Moses, Elijah and the great prophets were for the people—he would merely be a good memory of a bygone time. And for Jesus, this will not do. Therefore, immediately afterwards, the Lord asks the disciples the decisive question: “But who do you—you!—say that I am?” (v. 15). Who am I for you, now? Jesus does not want to be a key figure from the past; He wants to be an important person for you today, of my today; not a distant prophet: Jesus wants to be the God who is close to us!

Christ, brothers and sisters, is not a memory of the past, but the God of the present. … Jesus is alive: let us remember this. Jesus is alive, Jesus lives in the Church, he lives in the world, Jesus accompanies us, Jesus is by our side, He offers us his Word, he offers us his grace, which enlighten and refresh us on the journey. He, an expert and wise guide, is happy to accompany us on the most difficult paths and the steepest slopes.

***

【Build your Faith in Christ Jesus on #dailyscripturereadingsgroup 📚: +256 751 540 524 .. Whatsapp】

[littleharpethcrossfit]

Saturday, 27 July, 2024

Saturday classes were at 0730 and 0930.

The temp was low 80's, and the humidity was about the same number.

Warmup

Admiral Armando led the 0930 mobility exercises.

Warmup

100 Partnered Med-Ball Sit-Ups

Strength

Deadlifts..........3 / 3 / 3 / 3 / 3 / 3 / 3

Build to a 90% Max

Aiden=405 Armando=335 Shane/Bernie=315 Paul/Dyer=265 Tim=235 Rodney/Average Dave/Tom=225 LSU/JOE=175 Britt=155 Sue=125 Shannon/Maddi=115 Linda/Sandy=105 WG/Coach/Dana (BIG), Angel/Alicia/ Diane/Tony/Kayla=and maybe others, no postings.

WOD

Buy-In

Run 800 / Row-Ski 1000 / Bike 2000m

Then 8 Rounds

5 Deadlifts..........( 225 / 165 / 125 )

10 Box-Overs.....( 24 / 20 )

15 Wall-Balls.....( 20 / 14 )

Dana*=18:55 WG=19:12 Britt=21:02 Tim=21:20 Rodney=21:52 Sue=22:27 Average Dave**=23:00 Bernie=23:57 Dyer=24:07 (6 rnds) LSU/Joe=24:14 Aiden**=25:55 Armando**=26:12 Tom=26:30 Paul=27:44 (6 rnds) Shannon=29:37 Sandy=30:17 Maddi=32:53 Linda/Coach/Shane/Kayla/Alicia/Angel/Diane/Tony=and others, no postings.

Cool-Down:

Spend 10 minutes stretching and rolling your Posterior Chain.

Notes:

It is rumored that Robert and Ed are jumping out of an airplane this morning. They are probably looking for an easier way to get their heart rate up. They are actually paying money for the experience.

Did anybody know that Tom M was the originator of the Nashville Charity Wine Auction some 45 years ago ??? I still wouldn't know if a visitor today had not told me. Most of our members would have been non-stop bragging about such a charitable activity, but not our Tom.

The visitor was Tony, who with wife Diane was our new people today. They were sponsored by Maddi, who made her 4th visit today. Tony and Diane have had CF experience at Trivium.

Average Dave ("I've got a bad back" ever since we 1st met him 8 years ago) was witnessed doing Deadlifts. Somebody mark the calendar.

Sunday at 0730 and 1 PM.

[vaulter-byer]

Vaulter vs BHA Season 1

Challenge 1 - Thief on the Railway Bridge

I use my ES translation ability to slide up the walls of the buildings, so I can get a better view from above.

I jump down between the rails and use my ES translation ability to charge at him when his back is turned.

Now I have a perfect shot as I launch up to his neck, then use my powers to temporarily paralyse him from the neck down using CF insulation.

Kamui can now use his ability to trap the thief.

Challenge 2 - Slime Creature in Tunnel

With the big black spot in my static senses, due to slime being mostly water, there's no way he's gonna get the jump on me.

As for fighting him directly however, I got nothing.

I can at least call for help, and keep him distracted until heroes arrive, keeping other people out of danger as I go.

Challenge 3 - Slime Creature & Kacchan

Water's my biggest weakness, but I can get in close, and grab Kacchan's arms pushing them back, Kacchan will sink deeper but, then I can use my CF conduction, to activate Kacchan's quirk.

The blast will make a gap, between Kacchan and the slime, which I'll slot myself into, but Kacchan is still held by his arms right now.

I break Kacchan's arms, so they cross behind him, holding me against his back, and then fire again.

The blast injures Kacchan's arms, but it also frees them.

Now I aim them at his feet and fire again.

He's free, now to deal with the slime.

Use CF momentum, to make the pieces of rubble and dust form a bubble, around the slime, then us ES attraction, to stick them together like glue.

I can hold it just long enough for Backdraft to step in and capture the slime.

Challenge 4 - UA Entrance Exam

I use ES translation to get onto the rooftops for a better view, then jump down and use CF momentum, to throw pieces of rubble at the robots to destroy them, it means I only get the 1 point bots.

I use ES translation to quickly approach Urara, then CF momentum to throw the rubble off her, using ES translation to pull her to safety.

I can't fight the big robot, so I ignore it.

Challenge 5 - Fitness Test

CF momentum to throw the ball.

ES translation for the dash and long jump.

Toe-touching and sit-ups are just easy for me in general.

I'm gonna have to take an L, on the grip strength and side stepping.

Challenge 6 - Combat Test

Use ES translation to evade Kacchan's attacks, luring him beneath the ideal spot, when he uses the long-range attack, charge kick his hand upwards, by using ES translation.

Urara can now win.

Challenge 7 - Raid on the USJ

Knowing my own abilities, I figure they brought an electricity user, to knock out communications.

I use the large rocks, to launch myself and land, using ES translation.

From above I can find the electricity user.

I Use ES repulsion, to use the gravity from the fall, to slick myself over to the target, all while being too slick to be hit directly.

Meeting a fellow electricity user, I realise that I'm gonna need a long-range attack.

I can pull his arm away and free Denki, if I can just throw a rock at his left side, one that's charged with ES attraction, so it sticks to the back of his hand, and peels his fingers back.

I took note of the insulating sheet on arrival, and using a rock with ES attraction, I throw the sheet to the left, so that it obscures our positions, and appears as though, we're trying to circle around to his right, while I go the other direction.

The sheet blocks his perception of us, so he has no time to react to my throw.

Using airborne Denki to block his vision, I use ES translation to slip past Denki, placing myself between the two of them.

I push still airborne Denki towards safety, using my back alone, so that I'm facing the hostage taker.

I won't make it back to safety before he attacks, but now his attention's on me, and I can rely on Kyoka to attack now, since she did go left back then, and her movements are still obscured, by the insulating sheet.

Now we can contact the other heroes.

Aizawa must be tired, so I go back to help, same as Deku did.

When Nomu is holding Aizawa, I use ES repulsion on Tomura, in an attempt to get a better look at his face, by making the hands slip off him, so I can just his actions better.

Tomura tries to command Nomu to kill me, but my technique has also separated his vocal cords, as well as hold his mouth open, and his tongue elevated in the middle of his mouth, so now he can't speak, or close his eyes either lol.

This causes him to engage me directly, but his disintegration quirk is neutralised, because I used CF condensation on myself.

Now I use the exposed sub-dermal skin on his neck against him, CF insulation paralyses him from the neck down.

Now use CF expansion to make an air pocket, so I can approach Kurogiri, seeing the armor I use CF insulation on it, so now they're both paralysed.

Now it's just the Nomu.

I prepare myself to fight him, if I can keep him on his toes using ES translation, I can distract him long enough until help arrives, but he doesn't attack without instruction.

The fight is over.

Challenge 8 - Rescue Training

I use ES attraction to grip to the wall, so I can make a quick descent, by jumping down in steps.

While the stretcher victim is tied to the rope, I use ES translation to push myself up the hill, while holding the stretcher.

With the additional weight, it's slower than other methods, but it's much more stable.

Challenge 9 - "Unknown" character in USJ

I soon realise that we're gonna need Minoru.

Now we just gotta get the villain over to the trap.

I use a rock with CF attraction, to pull Shoto from his grasp, by peeling the villain's fingers back.

Now pushing Shoto away with my back, I use ES translation to push away from the villain, while still facing them.

This distraction gives the others the opening they need, and the villain is pushed into the trap.

Villain captured.

[crackednailsandsplitends]

My Battle with Chronic Illness: The Power of Gratitude

Gratitude

It's easy to feel overwhelmed and defeated when facing life's challenges, especially when you suffer from chronic illnesses like ME/CFS, and chronic pain, but have you considered the power of gratitude? Well, in my journey with chronic illness, I've found it to be immensely helpful in practising—gratitude.

Throughout my life, I have always made a conscious effort to practice gratitude. I firmly believe that being grateful for the people and things in my life is essential for my overall happiness and well-being. I am grateful for my amazing husband, my wonderful children, my mum, my home, my life-long best friend; as well as everything else that positively touches my life. It’s a tool I’ve used throughout my life, and I’ve continued the practice of gratitude with my chronic illness journey; the power of gratitude has shown me that it consistently works wonders. It helps.

I have always felt that it is crucial never to lose sight of the things I am thankful for, especially when life throws curveballs my way.

When I was diagnosed with a chronic illness it changed my perspective on gratitude. My thought process shifted, and I began focusing on being grateful for things that I might have taken for granted before, such as my health, the ability to the everyday activities, even the most mundane/smallest of activities, and especially the support of my loved ones during difficult times.

Gratitude has helped me reaffirm the importance of cherishing what I have and not taking anything for granted. It has helped me maintain a balanced and positive outlook on life despite the challenges I face.

Gratitude as a Resilience Tool

Why Gratitude Matters in Chronic Illness Management

When you're living with chronic illnesses, such as MECFS, focusing on gratitude might seem counterintuitive. Yet, acknowledging the good in my life can significantly impact my mental and emotional well-being. Gratitude diverts attention from the pain and fatigue to the aspects of life that bring joy and satisfaction, however small. It's about finding value in the every day—a conversation with a friend, a comfortable moment, or a personal achievement. Embracing gratitude can help build mental resilience, providing a buffer against the depression and anxiety that often accompany chronic illnesses. By reinforcing a positive mindset, we can cultivate a more hopeful outlook on life, which is crucial for managing long-term health conditions like MECFS.

Grateful for my Support System

I am incredibly grateful for my family and friends, especially during the challenging times I face with my chronic illness. Their unwavering support and understanding have been a source of immense comfort and strength for me. My family members have been my pillars of strength, accompanying me to countless medical appointments, ensuring I adhere to my treatment plan, and providing emotional support when I feel overwhelmed. Similarly, my friends have consistently shown their support through their kind words, encouraging gestures, and simply being present to lift my spirits when I'm feeling low.

Knowing that I have such a strong support system makes dealing with my chronic illness much more bearable, and I am truly blessed to have them in my life.

Transform Perspective

Gratitude has not only helped me cope with my chronic illness, but it has also transformed my perspective on life. Instead of focusing on what's going wrong or what's missing, gratitude allows me to appreciate what's going right and what I already have. It creates a sense of emotional "white space" in my mind, giving me a moment to breathe and refocus amidst the constant health concerns. One personal step that stands out is when I started jotting down things that made me happy despite the pain, and I began to experience unexpected moments of joy. Gratitude truly has the power to uplift me during the toughest of times.

Gratitude has the ability to shift perspective and bring about a sense of peace and contentment, even in the midst of challenging circumstances. It allows me to focus on the positive aspects of my life and appreciate the small moments of joy that may otherwise go unnoticed. By cultivating a grateful mindset, I can find solace and strength in the midst of adversity, knowing that there is always something to be thankful for.

Final thoughts

So, whether you're battling chronic illness or simply navigating through life's general ups and downs, don't underestimate the power of gratitude. It can be our emotional cushion during tough times, reminding us of the good that still exists around us even when it may seem hidden.

About me

I am a married mother of four children, in my mid 40's. I run a small business and enjoy writing, which is why I blog. My blog focuses on my experiences of living with chronic illnesses and disabilities such as ME/CFS, spinal stenosis, chronic pain, and fibromyalgia. 

[compassionmattersmost]

7: Exploring the Lat Pulldown Machine: Gentle Strength Training for Post-Viral ME/CFS

As we continue our mindful approach to exercise with Post-Viral ME/CFS, we’re moving on to one of the most versatile and accessible machines in the gym—the Lat Pulldown Machine. This machine allows for controlled upper body movement and provides a gentle way to engage your back, shoulder, and arm muscles without placing excessive strain on your system. In this post, we’ll walk through how to use…

[muddiestpath]

Vent about the last post (my health, not about OP)

I remember being so ill from that random stomach bug that I saw everything the same value & could recognise shapes. I barely kept down water & these nairn's fruit/out biscuits(gluten-free bc I'm also coeliac).

My room used to be next to the living room & I could hear my family laugh at the tv as I stared at the picture on my wall, thinking I was dying. I couldn't speak to ask for help. If I messaged on my phone, it'd not be seen or be met with "in a minute" responses that 60٪ would be forgotten.

It took them 3 months to take me to the Dr.

I remember once I started being able to walk to the living room, my mum (in perhaps her attempt of being positive or cheering me up) said how much slimmer I was. I had lost my muscle mass & only ate the above single pack of 4 biscuits in a day.

That was the moment I lost faith in her. The nail in the coffin of my trust in her. She was doing what most ppl do when they see an ill relative: find something to compliment. But after the year I had been through of complete isolation, where she forgot me on the otherside of that living room wall. All she saw was I was thinner & that was positive to her.

Sorry, didn't mean to zero in on my mum. They all did similar things, she just was more often overpromising support.

Now is better. I'm in a bigger room in the attic with my own bathroom & space for my rabbit to run around. I can walk around the house & garden. I can eat 2 meals some days. I am larger than I was before. Still get motion sick near instantly at shakey cameras/first person perspective games & barely manage 10min car ride. Still don't wear my glasses bc my prescription keeps changing & glasses make me nauseous (as you can imagine I now am deathly afraid of nausea & am on situational anxiety/antinausea meds). I'm short-sighted with astigmatism, not too bad most days but sometimes I get a bloodshot eye or eyestrain, I know it's not healthy but being told I have to power through the nausea to readjust to glasses... isn't going to happen.

I'm on financial support but it's not built for chronic conditions & I don't have the energy(haha) to fight the gov to pass the long promised system reform for disability aid. This support also means I am legally unable to earn any money unless I cancel my support all together. We were promised in 2018 a new disability category for cfs/me & long covid that would allow me to work when I am able. It is now buried as a "rolling issue".

I'm trying every day to do the stretches & exercises to build muscle strength back. But CFS/ME has no treatment or cure, so again it's a "tough it out" situation where most days I can't even do those stretches.

Recently a new Dr has me on thyroid supplements & I can only "hope" it helps.

But over everything. I am actually lonely! I've never felt this before. I'm a severe introvert, I have a tiny social battery. But now I'm years out of university, have about 5 ppl I talk to online even semi regularly, & I haven't seen anyone outside my family or medical professionals in those years.

I am now 30 & have no footing in meeting new people irl or online.

I want to have more friends. I want to experience what dating is like. But I have so little energy or social skills that it's it seems like I'm brushing them off. Added to the fact I'm asleep when everyone I know is online? It bites.

I want a new body with better hardware. This one is faulty. But I'm stuck in it & doing my best. Don't pity me. My family already does that.

[threeratsinatophat]

how I thought I'd build upper body strength while in ME/CFS recovery: body weight exercises, gentle weightlifting, slowly building up my tolerance

how I'm actually doing it: lugging 15 litre jugs of washing up liquid and commercial size packs of bin bags and kitchen roll up and down stairs every other week

[lastoneout]

I was talking to my fiance about this and apparently at a museum he used to work at there was this like wheelchair racing station thing, and he said that abled people would ALWAYS assume it's going to be super easy and then be shocked when it isn't and I just have to ask, why the fuck do y'all think this is easy?? What about this looks easy?? My chair weighs like 20lbs and I'm 141lbs, I'm pushing myself with my arms which are not as good for traversal as your legs and have smaller muscles, and like on flat smooth ground sure it's not bad, but most ground is not flat or smooth. Plus you will absolutely get blisters from the wheels I had to get gloves and my hands still hurt.

Also to be clear I am not complaining at all, I knew this was going to be this way and it's what I wanted, I like working out, it makes me feel comfortable in my body and confident and it's like the only fucking thing that fixes my anxiety, I'm not even that upset about the blisters I knew that would happen and tbh I'm honestly kinda proud of them!! I can't wait to get calluses!! It's kinda a no-brainer honestly?? So I'm just genuinely confused as to how anyone could think pushing yourself around in a wheelchair is easy. Like a motorized one I would get because the motor is doing the work(tho I don't think these are easy either I'm fucking ass at driving things with motors it's part of why I wanted a manual chair) but a manual one?? A standard hospital chair(the kind of wheelchair you think of when someone says wheelchair) usually weighs 45lbs, and while they're called lightweight those kinds of chairs like the one I have can still weigh between 20-30lbs depending. Even ultra-lightweight ones still weigh like 15lbs, that's not nothing. And again on smooth, flat floors it's not super hard to push yourself, less friction and you don't have to fight gravity to move, but the majority of the world is not smooth, flat floors. Add carpet or a uneven floor and you're working extra hard just to go in the right direction and deal with the added friction.

I just. It's probably because I grew up with a mom in a wheelchair and so long before I became disabled I knew how to push yourself in a manual chair(my mom uses an electric one but has a manual one because electric ones are a nightmare to transport unless you have the right equipment) and thus I knew how difficult it is, but I just can't imagine anyone seeing this and thinking it's not only easy, but SO easy it doesn't even count as exercise. I'm getting fucking BLISTERS bro this is WORK. There's a reason you don't use one of these unless walking is extremely difficult for you bcs if you're abled walking IS easier than using a wheelchair, even an ultra-lightweight one. Like why do you think so many disabled people opt for motorized wheelchairs? It's because pushing yourself in a manual one is hard enough not everyone can do it. I'm lucky that my EDS has mostly left my upper body alone and I don't have ME/CFS so I can exercise without hurting myself, though I do still have to be careful, if that wasn't the case pushing myself around in a manual one would be impossible for me.

Anyway fr I think more people need to be made to try these out so they understand how hard it is and how it IS a workout because the assumption that this is so easy that the people who opt for it are clearly just being lazy is fucking ridiculous. And ofc NO disabled person is lazy(and even if they were I don't care, life is hard enough for us, take whatever shortcuts you want I will not stop you nor judge you) but the mentality that manual chairs are lazy?? That's so completely out of touch with reality I don't even know how to wrap my head around it. But I am glad at least that I was right, it was going to be hard work, it was going to be worth it, and I was never going to get this chair and then stop giving a shit about working out my body or building up the strength to push myself wherever I want to go. I was absolutely never going to "give up and let my muscles atrophy" like some doctors suggested, this chair is clearly giving me a full cardio workout which is GOOD FOR ME because before my chronic pain made it basically impossible to exercise regularly so despite the fact that I'm sitting I'm actually more active now, not less, and tbh I was also right that them saying that to me was rude and ableist AND NOT FUCKING TRUE.

I am really confused as to why doctors insist using a manual wheelchair isn't exercise bro this shit is hard!! My arms are sore!! My heart rate is up!! I'm breathing heavy!! If this isn't exercise what the fuck is???

[roman-catholic-mass-readings]

24th June >> Mass Readings (USA)

The Nativity of Saint John the Baptist - Vigil Mass & Mass of the Day.

The Nativity of Saint John the Baptist - Vigil Mass

(Liturgical Colour: White. Year: C(I))

(These readings are for the Vigil Mass on the evening before the feast)

First Reading Jeremiah 1:4–10 Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.

In the days of King Josiah, the word of the LORD came to me, saying:

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I dedicated you, a prophet to the nations I appointed you.

“Ah, Lord GOD!” I said, “I know not how to speak; I am too young.”

But the LORD answered me,

Say not, “I am too young.” To whomever I send you, you shall go; whatever I command you, you shall speak. Have no fear before them, because I am with you to deliver you, says the LORD.

Then the LORD extended his hand and touched my mouth, saying,

See, I place my words in your mouth! This day I set you over nations and over kingdoms, to root up and to tear down, to destroy and to demolish, to build and to plant.

The Word of the Lord

R/ Thanks be to God.

Responsorial Psalm Psalm 71:1–2, 3–4a, 5–6ab, 15ab, 17

R/ Since my mother’s womb, you have been my strength.

In you, O LORD, I take refuge; let me never be put to shame. In your justice rescue me, and deliver me; incline your ear to me, and save me.

R/ Since my mother’s womb, you have been my strength.

Be my rock of refuge, a stronghold to give me safety, for you are my rock and my fortress. O my God, rescue me from the hand of the wicked.

R/ Since my mother’s womb, you have been my strength.

For you are my hope, O LORD; my trust, O LORD, from my youth. On you I depend from birth; from my mother’s womb you are my strength.

R/ Since my mother’s womb, you have been my strength.

My mouth shall declare your justice, day by day your salvation. O God, you have taught me from my youth, and till the present I proclaim your wondrous deeds.

R/ Since my mother’s womb, you have been my strength.

Second Reading 1 Peter 1:8–12 The prophets who prophesied about the grace that was to be yours searched and investigated it.

Beloved: Although you have not seen Jesus Christ you love him; even though you do not see him now yet believe in him, you rejoice with an indescribable and glorious joy, as you attain the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. Concerning this salvation, prophets who prophesied about the grace that was to be yours searched and investigated it, investigating the time and circumstances that the Spirit of Christ within them indicated when he testified in advance to the sufferings destined for Christ and the glories to follow them. It was revealed to them that they were serving not themselves but you with regard to the things that have now been announced to you by those who preached the Good News to you through the Holy Spirit sent from heaven, things into which angels longed to look.

The Word of the Lord

R/ Thanks be to God.

Gospel Acclamation cf. John 1:7; Luke 1:17

Alleluia, alleluia. He came to testify to the light, to prepare a people fit for the Lord. Alleluia, alleluia.

Gospel Luke 1:5–17 Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall name him John.

In the days of Herod, King of Judea, there was a priest named Zechariah of the priestly division of Abijah; his wife was from the daughters of Aaron, and her name was Elizabeth. Both were righteous in the eyes of God, observing all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blamelessly. But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren and both were advanced in years. Once when he was serving as priest in his division’s turn before God, according to the practice of the priestly service, he was chosen by lot to enter the sanctuary of the Lord to burn incense. Then, when the whole assembly of the people was praying outside at the hour of the incense offering, the angel of the Lord appeared to him, standing at the right of the altar of incense. Zechariah was troubled by what he saw, and fear came upon him. But the angel said to him, “Do not be afraid, Zechariah, because your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall name him John. And you will have joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth, for he will be great in the sight of the Lord. John will drink neither wine nor strong drink. He will be filled with the Holy Spirit even from his mother’s womb, and he will turn many of the children of Israel to the Lord their God. He will go before him in the spirit and power of Elijah to turn their hearts toward their children and the disobedient to the understanding of the righteous, to prepare a people fit for the Lord.”

The Gospel of the Lord

R/ Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.

------------------------------

The Nativity of Saint John the Baptist - Mass of the Day 

(Liturgical Colour: White. Year: C(I))

(These readings are for the day of the feast itself)

First Reading Isaiah 49:1-6 I will make you a light to the nations.

Hear me, O coastlands, listen, O distant peoples. The LORD called me from birth, from my mother’s womb he gave me my name. He made of me a sharp-edged sword and concealed me in the shadow of his arm. He made me a polished arrow, in his quiver he hid me. You are my servant, he said to me, Israel, through whom I show my glory.

Though I thought I had toiled in vain, and for nothing, uselessly, spent my strength, yet my reward is with the LORD, my recompense is with my God. For now the LORD has spoken who formed me as his servant from the womb, that Jacob may be brought back to him and Israel gathered to him; and I am made glorious in the sight of the LORD, and my God is now my strength! It is too little, he says, for you to be my servant, to raise up the tribes of Jacob, and restore the survivors of Israel; I will make you a light to the nations, that my salvation may reach to the ends of the earth.

The Word of the Lord

R/ Thanks be to God.

Responsorial Psalm Psalm 139:1b-3, 13-14ab, 14c-15

R/ I praise you, for I am wonderfully made.

O LORD, you have probed me, you know me: you know when I sit and when I stand; you understand my thoughts from afar. My journeys and my rest you scrutinize, with all my ways you are familiar.

R/ I praise you, for I am wonderfully made.

Truly you have formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb. I give you thanks that I am fearfully, wonderfully made; wonderful are your works.

R/ I praise you, for I am wonderfully made.

My soul also you knew full well; nor was my frame unknown to you When I was made in secret, when I was fashioned in the depths of the earth.

R/ I praise you, for I am wonderfully made.

Second Reading Acts of the Apostles 13:22-26 John heralded his coming by proclaiming a baptism of repentance.

In those days, Paul said: “God raised up David as king; of him God testified, I have found David, son of Jesse, a man after my own heart; he will carry out my every wish. From this man’s descendants God, according to his promise, has brought to Israel a savior, Jesus. John heralded his coming by proclaiming a baptism of repentance to all the people of Israel; and as John was completing his course, he would say, ‘What do you suppose that I am? I am not he. Behold, one is coming after me; I am not worthy to unfasten the sandals of his feet.’ “My brothers, sons of the family of Abraham, and those others among you who are God-fearing, to us this word of salvation has been sent.”

The Word of the Lord

R/ Thanks be to God.

Gospel Acclamation cf. Luke 1:76

Alleluia, alleluia. You, child, will be called prophet of the Most High, for you will go before the Lord to prepare his way. Alleluia, alleluia.

Gospel Luke 1:57-66, 80 John is his name.

When the time arrived for Elizabeth to have her child she gave birth to a son. Her neighbors and relatives heard that the Lord had shown his great mercy toward her, and they rejoiced with her. When they came on the eighth day to circumcise the child, they were going to call him Zechariah after his father, but his mother said in reply, “No. He will be called John.” But they answered her, “There is no one among your relatives who has this name.” So they made signs, asking his father what he wished him to be called. He asked for a tablet and wrote, “John is his name,” and all were amazed. Immediately his mouth was opened, his tongue freed, and he spoke blessing God. Then fear came upon all their neighbors, and all these matters were discussed throughout the hill country of Judea. All who heard these things took them to heart, saying, “What, then, will this child be?” For surely the hand of the Lord was with him. The child grew and became strong in spirit, and he was in the desert until the day of his manifestation to Israel.

The Gospel of the Lord

R/ Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.

[bestworstcase]

Just noticed some of your speculation as to Yang in regards to finally being at the end of her rope and not being able to power through it come vol 9. One of the things with Yang is - well Burning the Candle had her nearly getting her and Ruby killed. But you don't blame the five or younger kid for that. Her semblance to me given that has always reminded me of... well crisis mode of pushing a bit further a bit longer because through is the only way out. But that isn't sustainable. Not forever.

mm yeah i like that way of looking at it!

one of the neat things about yang imo is that—well she exists in a narrative that is firmly in the camp of “pain does not make you better” and then her semblance is literally using pain to give herself super-strength gkdbshk. which on its face seems kind of odd, except then yang’s whole character arc has this gradual deconstruction of the idea that pain makes you stronger, using her semblance as a focal point. she powers through everything the world throws at her and then hits back twice as hard, that’s what makes her special, but that’s done a number on her mental and emotional well-being so now she’s on the brink of a crisis.

it’s also just occurred to me that, while the way yang utilizes and thinks about her semblance now is very analogous to that sort of, crisis-mode adrenaline-fueled fight-or-flight response… with just a little adjustment it could instead become analogous to the much healthier concept of resilience, being able to take a crisis in stride without losing your balance.

like there’s no reason yang has to use her semblance in the way she does—absorbing all these hits to make herself strong, then exploding when she’s at her limit. that’s just an artifact of how she thinks about her semblance (and has been encouraged to think of it, cf tai’s “your semblance is basically a temper tantrum” stance). maybe building self-worth also looks like experimenting with what else she might be able to do with her semblance? can she incorporate it into her fighting in a more wholistic way, perhaps figure out a new way to activate it as more of a passive/constant thing that juices her defensive aura throughout the entire fight instead of storing it all up for a big do-or-die burst at the very end? or… maybe some kind of deflection thing, where they hit her and that energy is immediately reflected back onto them?

dunno. if you take yang’s semblance and separate it from her underlying conviction that she doesn’t really matter, there’s a lot of possibilities that could turn “absorb damage, then release that stored energy” into an ability with a lot of defensive and tactical utility, which would dovetail really nicely with an arc about yang learning to value herself more 🤔

[frick6101719]

Okay turns out I have a lot more thoughts about this. I saw you say you'd love to hear more thoughts on this--be careful what you say when I'm around 😘

I went back and dug up my very old IMKM planning doc, which has my hc Victor counts for all 12 Districts (plus a partial timeline of winners, naturally) (to the anon who asked me if I like the worldbuilding involved in writing... yes. Cannot emphasize enough how much). Most of my headcanons are geared to the IMKM au because it was in that context that I needed answers to these kinds of questions, but I have tried to keep that fic super compliant with the canon universe, so it should still work.

I had put D4 at 10 Victors, D1 at 11, and D2 at 13. I had D7 as the next highest with 7 (I feel like it's pretty a pretty common headcanon that District 7 Tributes are among the most successful of the non-Careers, on account of having an industry that would build strength and familiarity with sharp objects). Then, because we know that D12 had the fewest of any at 2 prior to 74, I had everybody else at between 3 and 6. I'm not sure I'm totally on board with all of these numbers now (I made this a decade ago lol) but this fit in with the background I needed for the fic. In the IMKM universe, D2 has been pretty dominant for years, but is on the decline, D4 is fading out too, but for different reasons, and D1 is on the rise. Cato explains the D1/D2 aspects and I know you've read the fic so I won't go into detail on that but the recap is: the Capitol has grown bored with one-dimensional, killing machine type Tributes and is looking to cheer for ones who are more interesting. D1 adapted. D2 did not.

Honestly I'm patting myself on the back for this, because I wrote all this way before TboSaS and SotR, but I feel like it totally makes sense with the evolution we see through those books. All the Careers in the 50th are all brawn and no brain, and while the D2 Tributes in 74-75 are still pretty much that way, the D1 Careers in the OG trilogy have more substance to them (e.g. Glimmer playing up the sexy angle in her interview, Cashmere and Gloss being beautiful and charming as well as deadly). This tracks with how much more grandiose and polished the Games are in 74 than in 50--Capitolites are enjoying the Games more in these later years, and in response it seems that at least some of the Careers are trying to be entertaining rather than simply impressive. Going back to 10 and seeing what a joke the Games were we see this trend progression even more obviously; the Games have clearly been growing more and more elaborate and sophisticated as the years go by, and as a result the Capitol is expecting more and more to keep themselves amused.

To me, it makes sense that the Career Districts all adapted differently to these changing expectations; my headcanon for D4 was that somewhere along the way they grew to be a bit disenchanted with how showy and exploitative the Games had gotten, and became less willing to play by the Capitol's rules because they no longer felt that the benefits outweighed the costs of winning (look at what winning did to Finnick). As a result, their training program has maybe gotten a bit lax, and their volunteering has slowed down a bit.

Another variation I like is that D4 is growing restless, getting more rebellious, and as a result the Capitol is cracking down on its illegal activity. Training for the Games is not allowed, Katniss tells us, and breaking the law with impunity is a privilege reserved for the obedient elite. Being a Career District requires not just the wealth to devote resources to training, but the unquestioned loyalty to the Capitol that results in them turning a blind eye. I saw your response to an ask about D11 as a potential Career District, and maybe this is why it isn't; we see a huge Peacekeeper presence in D11 in CF, and they're one of the first to rebel, so it's possible that any effort to start a Career-like training program would be met with a much more aggressive Peacekeeper response than it was in the lap-dog Districts of 1, 2, and 4.

So, if D4 is becoming less Career-y in recent years, maybe it hasn't been a conscious choice to slow down so much as it's the result of falling out of favour with the Capitol. Bad dogs get kicked, and Snow doesn't exactly enjoy being rejected by those who used to love him.

I know a large part of the fandom doesn’t see d4 as a “real” Career district, but is there any indication in canon that they have noticeably less victors than d1 or d2 (while still having more than the outlying districts)?

[katnissdoesnotfollowback]

Do you think Peeta felt like he was receiving mixed signals from Katniss during CF? Or did he always assumed she had no feelings for him and accepted that?

I’ve always been so curious about his thought process after the first games and their reconciliation for the Victory Tour.

I wonder if he ever felt used by her, even if he loved her. 😭

Hey there, Anon! Thanks for the questions!

Okay I’m gonna apologize up front, Anon. Actually no. I’m not apologizing for this. I’ve been prepping myself to write an entire essay, but before I post it, I feel like I gotta throw up some disclaimers here. And honestly... I shouldn’t have to, but it’s been awhile since I’ve been active on here and I’m still kinda smarting over the things that happened that led to me reducing my involvement in the first place. And tumblr and fandom being what they are... please forgive me for building some fences to hopefully protect myself. You, Anon, have not triggered this initial commentary with your message. It’s leftover baggage, not your fault (I don’t think...*suspicious eyes*), so I hope you will understand and not be upset that I feel the need to do this before answering your questions.

We members of fandoms and denizens of tumblr usually state our meta posts and analysis posts as though they are fact. Not that this is necessarily a bad practice. I just spent three weeks writing two and a half literary analysis papers for my classes. I’ll spend the next two weeks polishing the last of those off and probably starting on an entirely new one because I gotta turn right around and produce three 10-page research papers by the end of November. And guess what... literature professors never EVER want you to "maybe" or "possibly" or "seemingly" your way through an argument. Write with authority, they say. Not because you are arguing that your interpretation is THE RIGHT interpretation so much as you are making a case for your interpretation being THE MOST APT or the most applicable. They require strength of speech because your argument is inherently weakened by using less than definite wording. It is this because of that. Much more convincing than “Well it might be...”

Funny thing about literary scholars, despite their insistence on making your analysis in strong language, a lot of them are willing to listen to different takes and go “Huh. Interesting. I can see the possibilities. Tell me more,” while still holding a vastly different interpretation of their own. In other words, they accept that someone else’s interpretation does not undermine their own. We all do not, and really should not, think exactly the same way. How fucking boring would that be if we did???

In a fandom space, we often write our meta posts in language similar to what a literature student would be expected to write. In definite terms. It is this because of that. You also see it in literary critiques and also movie critiques. And a lot of times, this causes friction because sometimes when people read those meta posts, they take it as a personal attack on their own, different interpretation, as though OP is suggesting that their version is The Right Answer and everyone else is wrong. Which is really not always the case. Even in the sense that we often use those phrases of “I’m right” or “That’s just how it is I don’t make the rules” or “You can’t convince me otherwise,” a lot of time that’s fandom speak for our attachment to certain idea or theory or way of thinking about the text and the characters. In literary terms... those kinds of remarks are hyperbole. Not a direct attack on anyone. Where it becomes problematic is when a fandom member takes that language of fandom literally and/or uses it against another fandom member rather than as a way of expressing our enthusiasm. Or when it turns into an attack on someone’s reading comprehension... the idea that “If you don’t see it my way then you didn’t read the books.” “You’re just projecting onto the characters.” “Any idiot can see...” “If you don’t see it then you don’t belong here.” “Go read other stories/characters.” “Stay out of the tags...” “You’re ruining the characters/my OTP...”

That’s not... that’s not helpful. That kind of attitude stifles free flowing ideas and leaves no room for growth. No room for pretty much anything but one viewpoint. Which will inevitably lead to the shrinking of whatever fandom community is left years after our base content was created. I truly believe that best practice on here is to step back when something upsets you or angers you and ask “How does this really affect me? Am I pissed off because this person is actually hurting me or am I conflating a differing opinion with a personal attack?”

All of this is a convoluted way of saying that even if my words (as I finally get around to answering your question) sound like I'm saying "I'm right, everyone else is wrong," that's actually not the case. Not at all. It's a mother freaking opinion, even if it’s stated like it’s fact. And I’m a big enough girl to be fully aware of it, and know that there will be plenty of people who disagree or see it differently. Great! Wonderful! Nobody has to agree with me. Literally no one. But nor do I appreciate it when others take a swing at me, or at others on here, without granting other people the right to our own opinions or expecting me to edit down my voice just because they don’t agree with me.

DISCLAIMERS DONE! In case you skipped over them. ;)

I think a lot of us are curious about Peeta's thoughts and feeling throughout the series, which is pretty natural. Since all three books of the original trilogy are narrated from Katniss's first person POV, all we ever see is what she chooses to show us. Every character is portrayed through her view, and that affects how we view them. As readers, we have choices to make on how we view the Not Katniss characters. We could assume that Katniss gives us an accurate and full portrayal of all of them... a risky proposition given that she is a flawed character and an unreliable narrator. So really, Katniss isn't always giving us The Right Answer. She’s not omniscient by any stretch of the literary imagination. She is not God, or whichever higher being you might believe in. Which opens the entire series to the possibility of varying interpretations.

Where Katniss gives us only hints and clues, readers have the opportunity to extrapolate, imagine, and explore the possibilities of characterization; and quite frankly since Suzanne Collins left those details out, her intention is not necessarily more important than your interpretation. She set her work out on the sea of readers and capitulates control of how it is received and interpreted. Hello Death of the Author. But you know, that’s like my personal opinion on the matter and it’s influenced by how I view my own writing. Yeah, I meant one thing and if people ask me what I intended, I’ll tell them, but I have no intention of shitting on someone else’s interpretation of my writing. Dude. To me, that’s the beauty of being a writer -- the fact that you can create something, set it adrift, and a complete stranger might see something that you yourself never thought of before. HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT?!?!

So how does this apply to Peeta? Well... Peeta is his own character. Yes, we get to see him through Katniss’s eyes, but that means, as I said before, that we only see the things that Katniss notices or that pertain directly to her in terms of the action on the page. The text being the text with a limited first person narrative leads me to the conclusion that Peeta led his own life completely separate of Katniss. He did things, said things, made friends, had fights with his brothers, a relationship with his parents, maybe even kissed a girl or two, was motivated to act completely independent of Katniss and in ways that don’t exist directly on the page, because Katniss herself doesn’t always see them or comment on them directly.

“It’s exactly like that!” he yells at me. “I have people I care about, too, Katniss! Family and friends back in District Twelve who will be just as dead as yours if we don’t pull this thing off.” -- Catching Fire, chapter 5

And if we’re willing to grant Peeta his own life, we have to be willing to grant him his own feelings. Personally, I have never subscribed to the interpretation that everything Peeta did in the first book was out of romantic love for Katniss. *shrug emoji* For example, I’m of the opinion that the gift of burned bread was, if an act of love, an example of agape, or the love of everyone, of humanity. At that point, Peeta had never even spoken to Katniss, and I don’t believe a romantic love can be viably formed and maintained without some form of communication, otherwise, you don’t really know the person. But I do believe that 11 year old Peeta was able to feel compassion and enough love for a fellow human who was suffering (and yes also happened to be the object of his crush), to make a form of sacrifice in giving her the bread.

I also (unpopular opinion alert) believe that the same form of agape love  influenced his motivation to form a strategy for his first Games that revolves around saving his district partner at his expense. I’m not saying that the fact that it is Katniss, his crush, going into the arena with him played zero part in his choices in the first book. I’m suggesting that his crush on Katniss was only part of his motivation for working to get her on the Victor podium and himself in a coffin.

“It doesn’t matter, Katniss,” he says. “I’ve never been a contender in these Games anyway.”

.......

“Only I keep wishing I could think of a way to... to show the Capitol that they don’t own me. That I’m more than just a piece in their Games,” says Peeta. -- The Hunger Games, chapter 10

Alright let’s dig. First I want to say that the setting here is important. They are on the roof of the training center, and the roof has become the place in the Capitol where they tell each other the unvarnished truth. This is where Katniss tells Peeta about Lavinia and her part (through inaction although really what could she do) in Lavinia’s capture and Katniss’ subsequent guilt over it. (The Hunger Games, chapter 6) That’s important because what they say to each other on the roof is not meant to manipulate, so those two quotes are part of how he really feels and thinks.

As for what he’s saying, there’s three parts of this conversation. The first is that he expects to die. He doesn’t actually believe he can win. The second (which I left out) is a desire to maintain his purity of self. The third is the idea that he wants to, on an individual level, undermine what the Capitol does through the Games by making his death, Peeta’s death, a meaningful one. This has nothing to do with him being “in love” with Katniss. This is strictly Peeta’s desire to not die for no reason. The deaths in the Games are pointless. Peeta wants to upend the system. The ironic thing is that even though he talks like he hasn’t figured ot out, he’s already  put into motion the thing that he wants to do -- upending the system by dying to keep someone else alive. And if we want further layers of significance: what he’s doing mirrors what Katniss did in volunteering for Prim. SHe tells us that volunteering is rare except in the career districts, where the Games are viewed differently. Volunteering, even for a family member, just doesn’t happen. Hence why her act is rebellious and gains attention. So again, Peeta is searching for a meaningful death, through an act that is agape love, not eros or romantic love, but it also ends up subverting the system in which they live. The potential for romantic love does complicate his choices, and perhaps give different levels of depth to his choice, but I don’t think it’s the only reason for his choice.

What the heck does that have to do with the question you asked me? Glad you asked! I’m getting there. All of that to point out that Peeta’s life, despite the limited view of his character that we get through Katniss, would not be solely influenced by Katniss herself. Despite the fantastic, science fiction elements to the books, in terms of characterization, and interpersonal relationships, they tend to follow a somewhat Realistic rather than Romantic format. By Romantic, I refer to the tradition of Romanticism where a realistic form of cause and effect wasn’t as central to characterization as say passion, divine influence, the power of the imagination, or the sublime. Not to knock Romanticism, I just don’t see it’s traditions at work in The Hunger Games as much as some others.

So to answer your questions... yes, yes at first, and yes. I would guess that Peeta does feel as though he’s getting mixed signals from Katniss during Catching Fire, at least for the first half up until *drum roll please* the final roof scene. The Place of Truth. And here is why:

We know that once he apologizes for acting wounded after their first Games, and Katniss returns the apology (Catching Fire, chapter 4), Katniss and Peeta are working towards being friends. There are of course some minor bumps in the road, but once they acknowledge that they have to work together and tell each other things, they do so in mostly admirable fashion. The thing is, most of Katniss’ actions during the Victory Tour in terms of physical affection towards Peeta are easily dismissed by him as part of the act. Easy peasy, still friends. Except there’s that pesky detail of the nights on the train... Ah platonic bedshare.* I won’t lie, I literally salivate over that trope in pretty much all forms of intimate relationships. Friendships, sisters, platonic romance, uncertain lovers, absolutely filthy sexed up lovers just holding each other? I die for it. Fangirl moment over, back to the essay!

*I’m not talking fanfiction here, which there is a plethora of ‘what if something sexual actually did happen on the train?’ Katniss specifically tells us that it didn’t. Maybe she is an unreliable narrator, but that’s not because she outright lies in her narration, it’s because 1) she is not omniscient so she has a limited perspective 2) her narration is influenced by her opinions and thoughts so it could misrepresent certain things and 3) she sometimes is uncertain or flawed in her own view of self, to include not quite being able to figure out why certain people are acting certain ways in response to her. These are all very realistic flaws to give a human character and add to the unreliability of her narration. Still, she’s pretty damn vulnerable and open in her narration, to include telling us things that she’s ashamed of and the fact that her pee has turned brown when she’s dehydrated in the first arena, so I don’t see her being dishonest about this particular aspect of her and Peeta’s relationship. By all means, fanfic it up, but to me that’ll always be canon divergent fic.*

So it’s platonic, but: teenage boy mass of confusion.

I don’t think Katniss intends to hurt or confuse Peeta by sharing her bed with him. She is used to sharing a bed, remember? She’s shared one with Prim for most of her life, after all, and so she is both familiar with and comfortable with sharing a bed in a non-sexual, non-romantic manner. In fact, she craves that kind of human contact and closeness. She is most lost when she’s sleeping alone.

We are never told if Peeta has to share a bed with his brothers (ugh I have two sons with whom I’ve had to bedshare with in hotels and because Big Scary Storms, and I pity Peeta if he did lololololol), which leaves him potentially vulnerable to thinking those moments on the train meant something else on top of them comforting and protecting one another. In fact, his comment in Mockingjay would imply that he didn’t share a bed with his brothers, because his brain attached some kind of significance to it beyond the platonic with Katniss (or he’s just being as ass in that scene, also possible given hijacking).

Still, Katniss’s intentions might not be enough to completely erase Peeta’s confusion about the moments in bed together. In other words, just because nothing sexual happens doesn’t mean that Peeta is exempt from wondering if there is a deeper romantic or emotional attachment being formed when they sleep together. 

And Katniss is freaking desperate for physical affection. Once she breaks that barrier with someone she trusts, it almost becomes force of habit. She admits to missing holding Peeta’s hand when they do so after the apology at the beginning of Catching Fire. She describes that kiss in the snow in wistful terms of longing, almost crying. She holds onto his hand and brings it to her cheek after the incident with the fence being turned on while she was in the woods and the Peacekeepers waiting in her house. She doesn’t want to let go when he embraces her on the train to their second Games. After shutting Peeta out when the Victors tease her and finally letting him back into her bed, she talks about how badly she’s been longing “for the feel of him beside me in the dark.” All of these events happen without the presence of the camera. These are all moments of Katniss just wanting physical touch, specifically from Peeta, for her sake and no one else’s, because it is what she wants.

But also at this point, she’s given him no concrete reason to believe that they are anything more than friends. The fact that they go from apology to hand holding as tentative friends to bed sharing in a manner of like two days would suggest that their development of physical affection does not follow a more traditional idea of courtship. So yes, I can see how Katniss’ desire for physical affection might sow the seeds of doubt in Peeta’s mind and make him believe there is hope for them as a romantic couple. He’s a little too eager to confirm that Katniss has only kissed Gale once, and Peeta’s first response to Katniss asking him to run away from the district with her is to ask who else is coming, knowing that she wouldn’t just plan this to get the two of them out, but more importantly, when she lists their families and Haymitch... Peeta immediately asks about Gale. And his answer reveals that he has intuited what exactly Gale feels about her, and that Gale wouldn’t tolerate Peeta’s presence on a soujourn in the woods, but why? If Peeta doesn’t present a threat to Gale and Katniss’ romantic potential, then why should Gale dislike the idea of Peeta going along? Why should Peeta assume that Gale would be adamantly opposed to his presence? So yes, I think it’s entirely possible that Peeta thought she was sending mixed signals.

This isn’t meant to bash Katniss, only to highlight the potential for a form of miscommunication or crossed signals for them, and to point out that just because you don’t mean to hurt someone or make them feel a certain way, your direct actions and words to them might have unintended effects. If Katniss isn’t perfect, neither is Peeta. And if he is capable as a character of having a life and motivations independent of Katniss, he is also capable of feeling things about what she does that Katniss does not intend to make him feel. And there is nothing inherently wrong with that.

That being said, I also think he did accept that her feelings for him did not and would not extend past friendship, and tried to make peace with it. The two are not mutually exclusive. Think of it like a rollercoaster.

Peeta tells himself that they are friends, nothing more. He repeats this to himself. She starts demanding he sleep with her. Nothing romantic or sexual happens, but this is an act of extreme intimacy... maybe, possibly? ...We could get married, she says.

BAM! Reality check.

Peeta tells himself its fake, it’s fake, it’s fake, but she’s been been wanting him to sleep with her so he climbs in her bed on the way home, and accepts that this is just what they do, protect each other from the night. But also they are engaged and at that point believe that they will somehow have to make a life together, so he takes the liberty of saying things that maybe he wouldn’t have said before. Life goes on, friendship is fine. ... Peeta would you run away with me? she asks. Yes! Wait... What about Gale? Also who’s getting whipped?

BAM! Reality check.

Alright, she loves Gale. No big deal. Friends. Friends is good. ...I live three houses down why are you calling me? Friends, we’re friends we’re friends it’s good, never mind that I’m probably gonna be married to someone who is in love with someone else, I got this ... wait where is Katniss and why are there Peacekeepers here???? ... Stay with me, she says.

BAM! Feelings. Damnit. Why me?

We could go on... but I’ll spare you my terrible summary. Anyways, the point is, I think he did accept that she didn’t have those kinds of feelings for him, but as she developed those kinds of feelings through Catching Fire, I think he would’ve picked up on some of the moments, dared to hope, and then had to crush those feelings. And the fact that he felt like he was being yanked back and forth might have led to moments of feeling like she was using him. However...

One does not run into a bloodbath/Hunger Games Feast to save the life of a person you don’t give a flying fuck about. One does not suggest mutual suicide if there is zero level of care. One does not ask a person to flee a tyrannical government if one does not give a shit if the person is tortured and killed. So Peeta could have, and likely did, rationalize that maybe Katniss didn’t feel the depth of feelings or attachment to him that he wanted her to feel, when he wanted her to feel them, but I think he knew there was some level of trust, affection, and attachment to him on her part, which could have led to confusion via that pesky thing we call hope and possibility.

All of that, and I still don’t think this complication of their relationship diminishes it, not by any means. I actually think it enhances it, deepens it. Relationships are fucking messy. They’re not pretty or perfect. They’re not linear in development, either. They just... aren’t, I’m sorry. You cannot walk through life without unintentionally hurting someone. Conflict of desires and interests is GOING to happen. And I see that in Katniss and Peeta’s relationship as it develops. It’s not healthy to be solely motivated by one other person, to put everything in your identity into one other person. So yeah, I’m not a “Peeta did everything for Katniss and nothing else” kind of reader. Peeta can love Katniss while still feeling used by her in certain moments. He can love her and still be confused by the signals she is sending him in regards to their relationship. He can love her and still have a life and relationship outside of her. They are not mutually exclusive, and to me, that’s more reflective of reality, which as sad as it might be at times, is actually part of the beauty of their relationship.