#my life is awesome in the grand scheme of things

[imagine-darksiders]

Doctor: Oh before you go, I have something for you ;)

Me: Oh neat, thanks!

Doctor (slaps a sticker onto my ass that says ‘major depressive disorder’)

Me: Aw rats.

[slexenskee]

Life update

Hello I am not dead! Thanks and sorry for everyone who's sent messages or comments here, on AO3, and ig - I haven't been able to respond to, life has been chaos lately.

TLDR it's nothing bad, just chaos haha. But idk if/when I'll be updating anything.

So there's a couple things that have made these past few months not bad but stressful lol

I work for myself now, which is awesome, and I make way more money than I ever have before (also awesome) except I now have a super demanding job that's very intense and often leaves me exhausted because I'm now basically running my own business! Which I said I never wanted to do because I wanted to avoid grey hairs, but here we are!

I also moved, and am likely going to be moving again in the upcoming months, which somehow has become the lesser of all problems in the grand scheme of things? I'm not thrilled but at this point in my life I've come to understand the value of paying a lot of money for other people to pack up your stuff and cart it around for you.

I'm also in a relationship, which is funny to list out here because actually through the course of writing MDNSY I've been in several, and while yes they all are time consuming and require a lot of effort that takes me away from writing this one is a little different because -

-last but not least I'm having a baby!! Which is awesome! But also untold and unbelievable amounts of stress 😂 I'm also in my first trimester, so I am basically just walking death right now.

So yeah, I wouldn't call this stuff the AO3 author's curse by any means, but while I had recently somehow managed to balance/ juggle the first 3 long enough to eke out a bit more writing... I was then slammed by the fatigue/nausea/death combo that is the first trimester and idk if I see the light at the end of the tunnel haha. So unfortunately I cannot say if/when I'll be updating anything in the near future, because I just have no idea how I'm going to feel. That's of course to say nothing of the newborn phase, which is rough, to say the least. I'm sure I'll come back to everything eventually because I've been writing fic for the majority of my life through every insane life event that's ever happened to me, but I just can't say for sure when that will be!

Anyway, thanks for sticking with me! 💖 I promise I read and love every comment even if I can't reply at the time!

[bloggingboutburgers]

I admire you so much for being able to share your experiences as an aro ace. It’s so funny, because most of my community knows I’m aro ace, but like, I’m so scared of sharing my personal experience and I think it’s because of how much it hurts to think of that part of my life.

The number of years I spent thinking I was broken because I didn’t feel any kind of attraction to others, forcing myself to date in the hopes that it would “just click” like people kept telling me, getting stressed and mentally distraught when I tried to force myself to show any sort of affection… It’s a hard thing for me to relive a lot of that. I very distinctly remember trying to kiss a guy I was dating that I didn’t want to kiss, but felt I needed to. I spiraled into such a bad panic attack that I drove two hours in a terrible blizzard just so I could get back home to what I felt was a safe place.

I think the hardest part for me was people not understanding my aro ace-ness. The difficulties of simply having a male friend around and having to listen to people constantly ask me if I have a crush on them, then acting as if I’m being coy when I say no (even though there’s no indication of that in my voice). I started dreading inviting my friend to events for that specific reason.

When I did try to date, all it did was add more stress to my life. I was constantly expected to be spending every free moment I had with these guys, and I didn’t want to do that. I don’t think it clicked with my family until I broke down in a hysterical sob one day because of how much guilt-tripping was being done to me when I told them I didn’t want to hang out with him.

And the icing on the cake… the number of times I’ve been told to find a partner because “they don’t want me to reach 50 and be alone and miserable.” To be told that romance is the only way you’ll find true happiness… it’s painful. To be told that the things that bring you joy are not true happiness, that your platonic relationships mean nothing in the grand scheme of things… it hurts far more than anyone realizes.

I should probably stop here, ‘cause I’m getting all choked up, but I guess the bottom line is, thank you so much for sharing your experience and making me feel validated. It means so much to me. Keep being awesome, my friend 💕

I'm so sorry for all the hardships... I recognize myself so much in a lot of what you're sharing. I hate in particular that people act like "ending up alone and miserable" is 100% on you, like THEY don't have a say in that and a role to play in that and they're not basically actively contributing to that alienation RIGHT NOW. If people cared about anything beyond a sexual or romantic partner and kids, if people remembered that friendship is a thing and it's a thing that oughta matter, that would solve the problem much better than forcing everyone to conform against their will.

The only reason I feel comfortable enough to say I'm aroace at this point is because one day when I was 21, a girl I told it to just replied "Oh, okay", which was the first time in my life I ever got a reply like this and not a slew of questions or dismissal. That made my brain explode. In a good way. I'll always be grateful for her, she probably will never know how much. She opened up the door for me to be vocal about myself more confidently and build the invaluable support system of friends, and my partner, and my family, that I have today, and that in turn works as a virtuous circle.

And the only reason I feel comfortable sharing it in the form of comics now is because I did once in 2022 during asexual awareness week just to try some vent art for fun, and people didn't ignore it, or didn't dismiss it, but actually reacted positively to it. That encouraged me to make more. The reason I'm this comfortable and vocal about it online today is thanks to you guys here reading this. Having a positive reaction to what IS pretty much vent art disguised as comedy also shows me I'm not alone. This whole thing is mutual. So thank YOU, and thanks to anyone reading my stuff, for also making me feel validated.

[mbti-notes]

INFP 16. I love (and also really really hate) what you said about lack of objectivity. After reading about Si loop and pessimism, I'm more aware and try to balance with affirming thoughts. Do you think it helps body dysmorphia too? I'm not diagnosed or anything, I just really hate how I look sometimes. I used to think my judgements were right because of "fact" (like there's a line/mark/bulge to point at) but it's just another thing I get too negative about?

The notion of beauty standards is complicated, so you can read what I've written about it before. Suffice it to say that very few judgments regarding beauty should be considered "objective". You only need to study a bit of history to realize that beauty standards vary widely based on time and place, which reveals a social construct.

As an individual, your idea of beauty is very heavily influenced by the culture and society you live in. I always bring up the story of The Ugly Duckling to illustrate in simple terms what it means to have your perception (of beauty) twisted by society.

You see a line/mark/bulge and think ew gross, others might see something else. One person sees an ugly mole, another person flaunts it as a beauty mark. Your way of looking at it isn't the only valid way, so if your way always suspiciously turns toward the negative, then, yes, maybe you need to rebalance your perspective. Or, there might be a deeper self-esteem issue that needs addressing (especially as it relates to Te grip).

Body dysmorphia can feel like a vicious cycle: You feel bad about yourself for whatever reason, and then you start picking out the stuff in the mirror you don't like seeing, and then you feel even worse about yourself, and then you pick yourself apart even more harshly...

There are a variety of ways to recalibrate your perspective. If you're too negative or critical, then, yes, you can remind yourself to look for the good things you like. For example, you might not like this characteristic of your body, but that other aspect is awesome, so why only focus on the negative? It's unreasonable to expect perfection.

Another method of recalibrating your perspective is to broaden or deepen it:

Example of broadening:

People young and old have written to me about feeling aging anxiety every time they look in the mirror and see a line or a gray hair. But when I look at my parents and aunts and uncles getting older, I don't see them "aging" per se. I see them growing into their skin. I see the evidence of a full life written on their body, and I think it's beautiful and wonderful that they've made it so far in life. Average life expectancy in 1900 was 47, so humans have come a long way!

As I witness myself getting older every birthday, I'm a bit critical if I'm honest, but I quickly adjust my attitude. Instead of fixating on this or that detail, I look at myself and reflect on how extremely fortunate I am to be in good health because I have access to health care, healthy food, and my life isn't so stressful that I can't sleep well at night.

Taking "the grand scheme of things" as your perspective, lines/marks/bulges don't mean much. What matters more? What matters most? If you don't want to live in a society that only values people for their looks, then the change should begin with yourself first and foremost.

Example of deepening:

The way you look is largely determined by genetics, and looks will fade with age. Should you take credit for accidents of nature? Well, if you're going to feel good about yourself through others praising your genes as beautiful, the flip side is that you doom yourself to feeling bad when people don't.

From this perspective, the better approach is to have a deeper understanding of self-worth and how it should NOT be tied to things that have no real meaning, or things beyond your control that you shouldn't be faulted for.

Sure, it's a fact that people who are considered beautiful might have more doors opened to them, but it is also a fact that being a good person is likely to bring you many meaningful rewards in the long run. When people like you mainly for your looks, what happens when you inevitably lose them? When people love you for who you really are at heart... now that's gold. Why settle for less?

.

Adjusting your perspective (aka cognitive reframing) isn't about lying to yourself but, rather, acknowledging that your thinking is flawed and needs correction or improvement. It is a tried-and-true way of mitigating excess negativity. And it should be relatively easy to do for anyone with a healthy N function. How's your Ne?

[swaglet]

your life sounds horrible, I'm sorry

i think my life is above average in the grand scheme of things . i am a sperg with a lot of mental illnesses that i was born with/got because they run in my family so i kind of want to kill myself sometimes and i go crazy sometimes (as one does when mentally ill unfortunately) and covid made my immune system kind of pootinky so i get really sick more often than most people and my beautiful baby beloved son (not human) i love more than anything on this earth died a few months ago and idk how to cope with it and some other things suck but we all have problems. but things are kind of awesome. im a professional gig musician and i have been for a few years, im going to school for stuff im passionate about, im in a long term relationship with a man i love who gets me and loves me for me even though i am kind of wack and insane and not very normal, i have two little babies (my ferrets) that make me super happy, i have a bunch of friends that i see all the time and we all hang out together to do fun stuff together often, i have a nice big bedroom and living room and gym space (bunch of rooms in my dark dank basement) i share with my bf and my critters and we all hang out here like a little family, i live on a big huge farm surrounded by woods and nature and stuff so i get to go outside all the time. everything has its ups and downs of course but things could be way way worse

[suzannahnatters]

FOTR Book 2: Chs 1-4: What A Lot of Subdivisions This Book Has

I also had a HUGE amount of things to say about Arwen but I'm going to put them in their own post. stay tuned!

CH 1 - MANY MEETINGS

Frodo is like "welp here I am in rivendell yay I feel that a month of blood-curdling danger will do me for life" oh my poor boy

"he may become like a glass filled with clear light" this line is just so beautiful

will never not laugh my head off at the mental picture of Elrond and Gandalf getting together and geeking out over this flood that they're concocting, designing it to look as awesome as possible regardless of whether it actually...like...obliterates the people they're trying to save. they are just nerdy magic bros and I love them.

Arwen Evenstar! she is coded very wisdom rather than warrior.

GLOIN!!!

BILBO :')

"he was alone and felt rather forlorn" gosh I had forgotten how much Tolkien isolates Frodo, even from the beginning

icymi, the Earendil poem is an updated version of a bit of clever but not very good nonsense Tolkien wrote in younger years called Errantry, written in a fabulously complex rhyme scheme, which among other things rhymes "porringer" with "oranges for provender" which is just showing off. but he knew it wasn't a very good poem, so he gutted it, opened up the rhyme scheme a little, and turned it into the tale of Earendil instead, and it's ever so much better this way!

CH 2 - THE COUNCIL OF ELROND

something about Sam not even being invited to the council of Elrond but in the end the quest would never have succeeded if not for him? clutching my heart

"rings he would give for it, rings such as those he gave of old" The Audacity of This Birch

they seriously did the BEST job of Sauron in TROP

aw man the dwarves' vague allusions to the second age and their instinctive impulse to seek help from Elrond is giving me so many feels post TROP, and I know TROP isn't canon but I really enjoy how it enriches the canon.

again with the blood of Numenor being mingled with that of "lesser men" - while I know Tolkien well enough to believe that he genuinely did not hear himself here, this specifically feels a lot like things I've read in genuinely racist history texts of the early 20th century and I find it very distasteful.

love the picture we get of Boromir and Faramir fighting together, having prophetic dreams together, and tackling their dad together 😍

lol @ Frodo jumping at the chance to handball the ring to Aragorn, the heir of Isildur

love Aragorn's epic speech about his life spent fighting the enemy to protect simple humble people. it's the entire basis of his claim to the kingship. he is the rightful king less because of his bloodline (Gondor rejected the claim of an Arnorian heir centuries prior) than because he's spent his long life so far in defending the simple and the humble in thankless secrecy. it's humiles exultavit all over again.

love that Tolkien gives Saruman an Evil Makeover but instead of going funeral with black he goes...disco with many colours...and Gandalf is required to deliver some accurate fashion advice.

think it's so fascinating how clear it is from the outset that what compromises both Denethor and Saruman is their lack of hope - their readiness to believe that the enemy can win.

Saruman is really giving the Trump recruitment message

this whole chapter is so packed full of exposition, backstory, and planning, and again I'm in awe of just how fascinating it all is. like, among the many things this chapter achieves is a speed tour of all the major players in and even on the margins of this story, from the dwarves of the Lonely Mountain to the kingdom of Gondor to Saruman and Rohan - it's all here. it's like that little exposition section at the start of the journey so far is being done in a grand scale for the entire rest of the book.

and I love it so much. I'm legitimately wondering whether everyone else finds this chapter to be a highlight of the entire FOTR, I've always absolutely loved it.

we find out what Gandalf has been doing, viz, charging around with a lot of fanfare distracting the enemy while the hobbits creep into Rivendell on foot. which is precisely what Aragorn will do with the armies of free Middle Earth in ROTK. FORESHADOWING.

something that has killed me previously is that Elrond says opinion is divided among the Wise as to whether the Three will still be able to heal middle earth after the One is destroyed. he doesn't really say what HE thinks but a few chapters later we get conclusive proof that Galadriel is one of those who knows it'll be goodnight for her. and now I'm thinking about how that awareness must have impacted her relationship with Arwen, whose role in the narrative is to give up her mortality to renew and heal the world after Sauron is defeated; she does what her grandmother cannot and both of them pay a heavy price for it.

and at last the chapter has one by one ruled out every other possibility but this: a hobbit must take the ring to Mordor. And then of course Frodo's final escape is cut off when Bilbo, the person he loves best in the world, volunteers and is unanimously turned down. MY BOY.

CH 3 - THE RING GOES SOUTH

aw, Elrond is trying to spare Pippin the journey cause he's baby

meanwhile: Pippin refuses thereby preventing the Shire being warned. not that it would have done much good, but FORESHADOWING.

LOVE Elrond's little exchange with Gimli about vows. it is so Biblical. like Gideon, Elrond tells them not to stick with the company if they get scared, and when Gimly objects, he then double down by saying let him who puts on his armour not boast like one who takes it off, and then finally there's another example of jrrt's wisdom in mental health when Elrond refuses to demand an oath, saying that it may prove too much for them. chef's kiss

the trees of Hollin don't remember the Noldor but the stones lament them brb crying forever 😭😭😭

the spying crows are so very WWI spy plane coded.

Legolas Greenleaf, Sassiest Elf in Middle Earth. he's just cheeking everyone in this chapter, including GANDALF, and gets away with it, a Legend

love that this chapter shows all of them working together with their different strengths, taking care of each other and cracking jokes. they're starting to work past the prejudices they showed in the previous chapter and it's just so lovely and wholesome. also it doesn't feel overly blokey despite the fact that everyone is male, because there are so many different personalities and fantasy races involved; you don't get a one size fits all concept of masculinity but rather a whole spectrum of different kinds of personality, and I think this is part of what makes this book so extremely lovable.

CH 4 - A JOURNEY IN THE DARK

"you cannot imagine how much worse the Nazgul would be if Sauron regained the ring" says Gandalf and yes I find it very difficult to imagine how they'll do this in TROP, like I was half expecting the One to be forged at the end of s2 but maybe they would even postpone that until the end of s4 to avoid Sauron getting too OP?

the fact that Aragorn is desperate to avoid Moria and disagrees with Gandalf about it is a deliciously ominous sign.

"I led us almost to disaster in the snow" what makes Aragorn such a precious pet lamb to me is that every time one of his plans goes wrong, he's fully ready to admit it and then beat himself up about it. go easy on yourself honey you're doing great

very thoughtful of the wargs to return Legolas' arrows lol instead of making off with them altogether.

the doors of Durin! aka "top ten signs this fantasy novel was written by a linguist"

Tolkien is so good at creating atmosphere. The past two chapters have just basically been atmosphere building, as the fellowship tries to avoid going into moria and the whole landscape is chasing them in there and then literally locking them in! the vibes are perfectly ominous.

love the way that he's writing spiritual things, too. from the birds and wargs that attack them to the snows on Caradhras trying to discourage them to Frodo's heightened spiritual awareness - it feels less like something out of the fantasy genre to me, and more like actual spiritual warfare in a Christian sense, which is so refreshing.

"let the guide go first, while you still have one!" Aragorn is a bundle of fun right now, continually prophesying Gandalf's fall lol

so with Pippin's ill judged stone, I don't think it's just him being an idiot. specifically: there is SO MUCH spiritual warfare coded stuff through this whole section and everyone and everything has become a battle ground. the Watcher at the Gates grabbing Frodo first, and Frodo being so aware of it before it even attacks, and Aragorn prophesying Gandalf's fall without even knowing it - everything has significance. the text says Pippin is drawn to the hole for some reason he can't explain, as though he's being affected in similar ways that Frodo was in confrontation with the Black Riders. I think this is intentional. there's thick malice in Moria working to trap them and it can use Pippin, not necessarily because he's stupider than the others, even the ones without heightened spiritual awareness - but because of who he is, a young hobbit, curious and unafraid. and those are good things to be! they are things that will ultimately win him friends, allies and renown! like yes it is a stupid thing to do and yes it's obviously the youngest and most inexperienced person that's most vulnerable to what's going on spiritually here, but he very much is being influenced by outside forces here.

we stop to hear the history of Moria 😭😭😭 Gimli's song is delightful and I love how for a dwarf he's a history/poetry nerd.

BALIN 😭

[catboybiologist]

ur dad is bzzt wrongo and 1 year is not a lot of HRT time. have some patience

(and increase the dose if necessary, remember that endocrinologists lie to you about the right dosage)

So yeah, I know 1 year is nothing in the whole grand scheme of things. The only reason that became a goal is because it works out very well with my plan for this year, and cleanly fits into my personal life as a point to come out and socially transition. I guess I got it in my head that socially transitioning will be easier if I pass. I don't think it matters much, though. Most of all, boymoding is just killing me, and dysphoria does too.

I know I'll never "fully" pass, and will always be clockable, but you can still be clocky while registering as femme overall. I'm okay with that long term.

My big, BIG hope is that I'll be able to go at least partially stealth by the time I graduate from my PhD and move locations, resetting the people around me. That'll be sometime between 2027 and 2029 most likely, 4-6 years on HRT. That's the big one.

As for doses, my gender care nurse has actively encouraged me to fuck around with doses, and treats her role mostly as an advisor and the person who writes prescriptions. She writes me basically whatever prescription I want, and now that I'm on injections, I'm fucking around a lot with doses. Also I'm kind of responding to the "diy is literally better" person in my inbox, cuz my provider is awesome and straight up encourages me to experiment and understand how to diy if I want to.

After a while on 6mg/day sublingual, I switched to injections. My initial prescribed injection dose was 4mg/week EV, which, based on the transfemme HRT simulator (I know, I know, I don't like it, it gives only vauge approximations and shouldn't be taken as a rule, but its good to think about the ballpark sometimes) should have put me at ~200pg/mL at midpoint, when I was last measured, and ~100pg/mL or higher at trough. Instead, I was at ~120 at midpoint.

In response, my provider said that I could experiment if I was willing to put myself through it. I said yes. I went from 4mg/week to an 8mg injection. That is way over any standard SubQ EV dose. I physically felt it being too high, and I had a few side effects at peak (headache, irritability, cramps, bloat, and stomach problems), so I went down to 7mg, which seems to be fine. I'm going to go down to 6, which is where my provider probably said I'm at, because I know my baseline is increasing at the same time, and I'll be tested again next week. If 6 turns out too low, I'll bump back up to 7 and probably stay there.

I think my body has a weird aversion to hormones of any kind. My T tanked almost instantly, even on low dose sublingual monotherapy, but I've struggled to raise my E even with that. Maybe I just have a very vigilant liver, or shit, I also could be intersex. Whatever it is, my dosages are something I'm very aware of and experimenting with.

[ghostoffuturespast]

No ask, just a compliment.

Your tag "I don't go here" cracks me up everytime and in my head now I say that when I see a game I haven't played but into lol.

Also your tagging and others is what got me into tagging things with more descriptive or fun stuff ☺️

Sometimes I see things from fandoms that I'm peripherally aware of and not overly interested in, but have to acknowledge the craftsmanship of the art. Like the coolness cannot be ignored. You're not in the same fandoms but it's passing the awesome cosplay at the comic con and you have to tell them.

Trying to keep the early 2000s Tumblr tag culture alive lol. And I feel like it's one of the few reasons this place is still worth sticking around, especially considering the way pretty much every other social media site operates. Tumblr runs on community. Good community. The whole point is that you're supposed to reblog (share) the stuff people are posting, connect with other people, cheer them on, and help them grow.

Given the state of the world right now, I'm at a point were I'm realizing we all need to run on community too, otherwise we're going to end up going were the powers to be steer us. I'm not content with just accepting things as they are anymore. The systems we are forced to operate in, that have us trained to think and behave a certain, do not have to be. And maybe saying nice things in the tags is insignificant in the grand scheme of things, but when everything's dark even the smallest spark of joy can help you get through it.

I'm glad I can inspire that in other people too though. Because I can't do everything on my own. Parable of the choir and all that. Life's a lot easier when you have people to share your burdens and joys with.

[actuallykyogai]

for the character ask game: takaba!

Of course! I love Takaba!

My first impression-

Funnily enough, I've always liked Takaba. When I first read the manga, his initial appearance in chapter 146 interested me. Y'know, just some random comedian taking part in the Culling Games. I wanted to know more about his character, and we actually got that in 241, which was great.

My impression now-

If it wasn't obvious enough, Takaba's my favourite character in the whole of Jujutsu Kaisen. Probably one of my top 3 in all media now that I think of it. I also refuse to believe that he's dead, although his conclusion at the end of 243 was awesome. Takaba genuinely has an emotional affect on me, I relate to him a lot.

Favourite thing about him-

I mean, I like everything about Takaba. From his design, to his personality, to his dynamics with other characters. But if I had to name one thing, it probably would be his personality. He's a breath of fresh air in what's typically a more serious manga.

Least favourite thing-

I don't necessarily have a least favourite thing about Takaba. I would've liked to see more of his interactions with Hazenoki, such as when Hazenoki finally caves in and gives him some of his points.

Favourite line/scene-

To be brief, his introduction in 168/169, and the Fantasy (fanta-sea) scene in 242. But it's mainly the Fanta-Sea scene because is portrays such a pivotal moment in Takaba's life. Kenjaku was able to give him something he wanted for so many years, and he was able to just enjoy himself and be genuinely happy doing comedy with someone he liked being around.

Favourite character interaction-

Another shocker, Takaba and Kenjaku's comedy routine was something I really enjoyed. I wasn't expecting to like them together as much as I did (I was- and still am- a diehard Hazenoki/Takaba fan) but they managed to become by favourite duo! Their dynamics are great, two lonely people making company out of the other, giving each other what the other wanted in return. It's beautiful, I would definitely not be opposed to more Pinchan content in the manga!

A character I wish he'd interact with more-

Hazenoki! I think they would be a good comedy duo if Hazenoki was willing to cooperate. But he absolutely wouldn't. I actually would like it if he interacted with Yuji more. He'd be a great father figure...

A character from another fandom that reminds me of him-

Monkey D. Luffy from One PIece! Specifically Gear 5: Takaba's cursed technique reminds me of it.

A headcanon about Takaba-

I think he's a huge anime fan, as well as being a comedy fanatic. I suppose it's already kinda canon, seeing how many references we've gotten. Anyway, he's definitely a JJBA fan.

A song that reminds me of him-

To be honest, I don't normally think of characters when I'm listening to music. A basic answer would be Baka-Survivor by Ulfus. I feel like being extra different though, so I'll say The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny by Lemon Demon. It's a pretty random and funny song, the unexpected events and references to characters in media remind me of Takaba vs Kenjaku.

Unpopular opinions-

I dunno if I have any really unpopular opinions about Takaba. He is fairly popular in the grand scheme of things. But most people don't have him in their Top 10 (power-scaling wise) so there's that '3'

Favourite picture-

There's a lot, but I chose this one ☆

[pabit]

good evening. my best wishes to you, and habit’s recovery.

i also see you made cookies. do you like to bake?

Ah. A question about me, hm? I’m flattered - no one else usually gives a shit.

Say, why don’t I tell you all a little bit about myself? I’ve got the time to type.

—

Hundreds of lives ago, our mother taught Michael how to bake when we were ten years old. Michael got really good at it, so I also decided to pick it up too. I would practice making bread in the middle of the night and rob him of sleep so he couldn’t practice during the day. I thought it would make me feel as good as it did for him, especially if I was better than him at it. Well…

After dying in that life, we start all over again somewhere new as always. One summer- we're about 15 years old and just wandering aimlessly on the beach while we talked and enjoyed the sunshine. Then we started bickering over something so stupid I didn't bother to remember what it was. We're just throwing around petty insults and then I say, "I bet you couldn't bake a cake even if the only ingredient was shit."

We stop walking and Michael goes, "well duh, I don't even know how to bake." I didnt say anything for a moment, and Michael continues humorously, "but I bet I could still bake a better shit cake than you!”

I couldn't keep up the bickering after that...even though Michael remained cheerful, I just felt this horrible, aching sadness; like a hole had opened up inside me.

We went home without further argument.

Just the life prior Michael had been an amazing baker in his own right. It made him happy. I may have hated it before, but it was true. Now he knew nothing, straight back to square one, completely unaware of this fact.

Except I knew, and I felt terrible because...well, I could still remember how to bake. I've never forgotten. But Michael would have to relearn everything, including the things that helped us both survive the darkness we were stuck in.

How awful is that? Never being allowed to keep even the most innocent of memories, only for me to be the one stuck with them all. What am I supposed to do with that? Let it all go to waste?

15 year old me was pretty fucked up by this awareness for sure. I kept going over it in my head trying to make sense of things, and what I concluded was this:

My job is to protect Michael's happiness, not rob him of it for myself and do nothing with it. I felt like I stole something precious from Michael that day. I was a selfish fool; being “better” at Michael never actually made me happier in the grand scheme of things. So…

I decided I'd continue baking, from that life onwards, in honor of the memory Michael lost. I’ll hold onto it for him. I had the power to make him a little happier, even though I felt like I could only bring him pain.

Despite the tall cunt and despite my own destructive tendencies, I still managed to leave a tray of Michaels favorite treats by our bedside at least once a week.

So you could say I enjoy baking…but only because I know how much it makes other people feel better. I get nothing else out of it. It’s taken a long time to not be bitter, and I’ve done a lot of fucked shit because of it, but I’ve learned how to channel it into something positive now I think.

—

Anyways, that’s my story about the baking thing. I have many stories, but I should probably leave it at that for the moment.

Habit looks to have stopped shaking so much, but still hasn’t touched the cookies. Rude I say - my cookies are freaking awesome. I’m going to put my phone down and try talking to him again soon. -P

>>

[spyder27]

Happy New Year!

Hello, everyone!

Well, we did it. We got through another year. While I know a lot of us have said 2024 has been a bad year, I do know there will also be ups on this emotional rollercoaster that is life. A lot of bad happened for me this year. However, I want to choose to remember that a lot of good happened as well. I made friends, sent in applications to graduate school, went to my first concert, started a D&D campaign and even wrote 30 chapters/oneshots of Sundagio. While it may not sound like much, it is a lot in the grand scheme of things.

I wrote a new chapter and published just now in fact. I hope you all enjoy chapter 4 of The Summer Mist. I hope 2025 will be an awesome year and bring about just as many good things that this year did! Happy New Year, everyone!

Sincerely, Spyder27

[shikishake]

so I’m largely writing this because I feel like I have to, for closure, y’know? I’ve been posting bits about most of the really impactful episodes of the second season of this show so it wouldn’t feel right not talking about the ending at all.

I’ve seen criticism floating around that the ending was rushed. I agree with that criticism, but I also don’t find myself really caring. could the ending have been better paced? sure. is the narrative conclusion to EVERYTHING perfect? nope. but I’m not left feeling that weird hollow feeling you get when you really enjoy a show and then it ends in a shitshow, largely because the parts that I wanted to happen mostly happened. the series as a whole doesn’t feel lesser for the flaws of the ending, and the things the ending DOES do right make up for it, in my opinion.

getting the obvious out of the way: they didn’t pussy out. the ending isn’t vaguely tragic and open-ended, and they didn’t pull a “and they were best friends forever :)” with sulemio. they’re married. they didn’t KISS or anything, but that’s not really necessary, even if a small part of me kinda wanted to see it anyway. they’re happy and safe and together. mission accomplished.

moving on, nika faced consequences. I was REALLY happy to see that. she was a small part of it, in the grand scheme of things, but she DID play a role in getting a lot of innocent people killed. it’s good that there were consequences for that. shaddiq faced consequences. again, awesome. shaddiq was a lot more directly responsible for a lot more death and misery, and I’m pretty sure the implication is that shaddiq will be spending the rest of his life in jail. I’m not actually a super big fan of life sentences, as I feel like prison should be about rehabilitation rather than punishment, but it would’ve felt a lot more hollow if shaddiq got away with a slap on the wrist. he did bad things. he should take responsibility for that. it’s good that he, and the show as a whole, recognizes that, even if “spend the rest of your life in prison” isn’t actually the conclusion I would have reached. I’m not sure what conclusion I WOULD have liked, but the crux of the issue is that there ARE consequences.

all of that makes the fact that prospera faces NO consequences... weird. I get it, crippled old lady with no direct evidence linking her to her crimes, but it feels EXCEEDINGLY frustrating to know that, after what she did at quinharbor especially, prospera’s ending is... getting to sit with her family in a nice field. it feels like she should have taken responsibility to SOME extent, if not legally than in some other way. that being said, I can forgive the show for this. not really because I agree with it, but because I think that suletta deserves a happy ending without strings attached, and even though I don’t think prospera is a very good mother or a very good person, suletta clearly loves her. if prospera being in her life is part of her happy ending, I think I can forgive it.

I have no idea if delling faced consequences. I like to think he did? but also I like to think miorine had a chance to... not reconnect, because I think that bridge has been burned even if their relationship has improved slightly over the course of the show, but find closure with her father. I also like to think he actually apologized and owned up to the FUCKTON of abuse he put miorine through but I’m well aware that I’m chasing a fantasy there.

um. permet ghosts. they don’t quite make sense in-universe, honestly, but I don’t really care. they were a very nice way to tie-up the narrative themes and character arcs of the people they affected, and I’ve always been the kind of person that can value thematic and symbolic parts of a narrative above the strictly logical side. I don’t really need to know how and why permet ghosts exist beyond what was explained in like, a single line, because it felt satisfying and thematically appropriate to have them. they did what they needed to do, and I can suspend my disbelief enough to quiet the part of me that questions the “how”.

I KNEW there was some shit up with elan prime. then again, I also thought it was a lot more “oh shit I just realized how in over my head I am, that’s a lot of people that are gonna be murdered and it’s overpowering my learned habit of reducing human life to numbers on a sheet of paper, this might be a bad idea”, and not as much “ya’ll are boring and I’m tired of you, see you in hell, peace out”. but I’m not sure how in-character the former would’ve been, so *shrug*.

eri in a keychain is JUST funny enough for me to forget that she killed people. well actually that’s a lie, it’s just that there’s very little ways that eri’s story could have wrapped up, really. either she dies in a heroic sacrifice to redeem her sins, which I never really like for a multitude of reasons and also feels really cruel to a child that has spent most of her life trapped in a giant robot after her family, her life and her future were robbed from her by corporate assholes, or she lives in some kind of weirdo in-between life, like she has been doing as aerial for like 17 years (or more?) but hopefully a little less awful. I like the latter better. I don’t think in-universe lore can justify giving her a new body, which I would’ve REALLY liked purely because even if she’s done some bad shit I think eri deserves to live as herself, with full freedom. but this is okay too.

suletta getting to fulfill her dream of opening up a school is *chef’s kiss*. miorine getting to be a girlboss for a cause that she believes in is also *chef’s kiss*. them being a happy couple is *chef’s kiss* squared.

all in all, I’d say the ending was a 7/10. I’m satisfied, even if it’s not perfect. that being said, the entire show as a whole remains at a 9/10 for me. is good. lesbians in space becomes political drama becomes high-stakes war tragedy becomes family drama becomes lesbians in space again. time well spent.

[film3tte]

Hi friend!! 👋🏻 👋🏻

It’s me, Ken. I’ve got a question for you, and it’s like *really* important. Well like to me anyway, not exactly important to anyone else or the grand scheme of things, but still!

Okay so here’s my question: what’s your favorite thing about my blog? And like is there anything I need to change or make better? I guess it would be the people interacting with it that would know better, so whatever you gotta share that would be great.

Thanks! 🫶🏻 @cantevenbeachhere

Hey Ken! And your question is SO VERY IMPORTANT TO ME TOO! My favorite thing about your blog is that…well that it’s you Ken! You’re the one who brightens are days and makes us smile! We come to your blog to hear and see YOU! Which brings me to your second question!

Something I’d love to see more of on your blog is stuff about you and your daily life! Maybe like…a diary entry series where at the end of your day you just jot down some things that happened?! Maybe weekly! Something to let us all bit more into your life Ken! You’re so interesting I wanna know more!!!

I love your blog Ken! “Hey Girl” me ANYTIME! And KEEP DOIN WHST YOU’RE DOIN! Cause it’s awesome. And we love you Ken. *hugs*

[tobiasdrake]

A hopeless confrontation with a hopeless demon.

Quarble, he's too fast. I've tried to dodge and weave and watch for openings but he nails me every time. No matter what I do, it's like he's right there, waiting for me to do it. I can't get away from him.

"Look, man. This is just a job. I'm not your therapist. Figure it out or don't."

You really don't have any ideas? You don't know anything or... have any suggestions I can use here?

How am I supposed to beat this guy, Quarble? Eleven times. He's gutted me eleven times. Yeah, okay, lesson learned about underestimating people, but I've been trying really hard. Was I wrong to think I could actually do this?

Maybe he was right. Maybe I'm at my limit. Maybe... this is where my journey ends.

"...push... through...."

Did you say something, Quarble?

"Yeah, I said 'If I don't get any Time Shards soon I'm bailing. Have fun getting dissected again.'

No, there was something... like a flicker....

"Hallucinations may be an occasional side effect of being gruesomely butchered, revived, and butchered again repeatedly in a short time period. I say 'may be' because most people give up and accept the sweet embrace of death well before it ever gets to this point."

"It's a mistake to rely on speed alone; It's too easy to push through. I figured that out early in our training. Zale learned it shortly after."

We go through.

I've been letting this job get in my head. Trying to be more cautious. Trying to be mindful. But the answer was right there in the fable. I need to stop running.

Luana spent her whole life sparring with a Blade Dancer. It's a style eerily similar to Brugaves's new demon style. To the point that it almost seems like a cruel joke for Aephorul to forge him this way.

Nobody knew better than her how to counter that style. And she wrote it down. You don't run away from a Blade Dancer. You go through.

If he's too fast for you, then he may just as easily be too fast for himself. All you have to do is stand your ground and let him strike himself upon your weapon.

I've been getting in my own head. Worrying about stupid things like safety and protecting myself. When I should have been asking the obvious question from the start.

What would Luana do?

Hey! Goat-licker. Imagine selling out the people who love you so you can be the Acolytes' gofer. I can't even be vindictive about it 'cause having to live like this is punishment enough.

Sure, you used to have respect, admiration, kids looking up to you with stars in their eyes, and a dedicated life-partner who'd do anything for you. But you're right, kissing the foot of a four-headed butt-chugger every morning is just as fucking good, isn't it?

You're a coward and a fool, Barma'thazel. You were barely any good as a Solstice Warrior. And now you're a bottom-feeding parasite living in a hellhole, clinging desperately to the one gift his master graced him with.

The goddess forgot about you long ago. She's over you. And I'm done running from you. Because I'm better than you.

It's called crippling overspecialization, ass-weevil. You'd think a general of an armed forces would be able to grasp a concept as basic as that. But I guess you're just too slow.

Hold up. Do you mean that in the figurative sense? Like, we are all pieces in a larger game that cares nothing for winners and losers, and so in the grand scheme of things we are all doo--

NOPE LITERAL SENSE VERY LITERAL SENSE GODDAMMIT

SHIT SHIT SHIT FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK

WHY

WHY CAN'T I EVER JUST WIN SOMETHING

I LOOKED SO COOL BACK THERE

MY HAT WAS SET TO MAXIMUM AWESOME

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

YEEEEEEEEEES Holy shit, thank you prophesized Lifesaver. Wentworth, you are a sight for sore eyes.

...wait, what?

...

Errors have been made. You know, I thought you looked a little small to be the colossal dragon that Luana wrote about but I just figured she'd embellished.

In any case, THANK YOU DRAGON BESTIE WOO FUCKING HOO

Let's blow this shithole and go home!

*deep breath*

In your name.

[patchwork-crow-writes]

hey hey, tooth-brushing anon here! oh man, i'm so glad to hear that it's been working for you! i've also been keeping it up, with pretty good success! i have missed a couple of times, but i always brush at least once a day, and you know what? i'll take that. it's better than what i was doing before LMAO to get a little philosophical, i think it's kinda beautiful that i can have at least somewhat of an impact on your life from all the way across the planet. the fact that humans can do that is kinda mind-blowing. anyways, well done on keeping it up thus far, i know it isn't easy! wishing you the best of luck from this corner of the world ❤️

Hey, thanks! I think missing one or two is probably not so bad in the grand scheme of things, and like you say it's much better than what we were doing before, haha! I'm pleased to hear it's going well for you too :) And yeah, it IS cool the effect we can have on others across vast distances like this! I've met so many awesome and lovely people here, and I'm always meeting more - yourself included :) It's definitely a big plus point in the internet's favour, compared to doomscrolling/spending hours staring at Youtube :P Best of luck to you as well, kind tooth-cleaning stranger! You're always welcome in my little corner of the web <3

[bread-tab]

i still consume a lot of tumblr but i feel i am posting and interacting on here less. and i have not shouted out my accomplishments much (now or ever) so i suppose i may seem to be just fading into the fog a little bit. i just wanted to let y'all know: i'm doing better.

... albeit, not this week (this week in particular sucks in strange unprecedented ways lol i'm going nuts (positive) (screw the haters) (fuck it we ball)) but *~in general~* i am awesome. i'm doing really well in therapy. i'm busy with real life stuff which is pushing me to grow really fast and make a lot of choices in the direction of get healthier, get more connected to the community and improve my relationships, get hobbies that are more rewarding than scrolling, because i don't have a lot of spare time between these decisions and gosh darn it i'm good under pressure. wouldn't you know it, doing constructive things for others and yourself also make you less depressed!

(i am living the principle of "do it scared." never been in exposure therapy but i imagine this is maybe what it feels like also.)

i have always come here most often as an escape; distraction, point of connection when i'm partially dissociated, outlet for yelling into the void when i feel very isolated. i don't feel isolated anymore most of the time.

no "void" to yell into. just always everywhere i turn, irl and online, find myself being a goofy dorky human in the company of other goofy humans, learning to be a person, not really as weird or "behind" as i thought in the grand scheme of things. starting to be fine with being me.

strangers and beloved mutuals all, i am dearly grateful to you for being here for me when i was at my most lost. for sharing your own thoughts and feelings and memes. you are good humans