#my pastor actually found the question a very interesting one ^^

[e-adlirez]

OKAY SO I DID ASK MY PASTOR ABOUT IT AND HE DID GIVE AN ANSWER :DDD

So Mary would've known that her son would become the Messiah, but she wouldn't have known the how of the Messiah's prophesied salvation. See, at the time the Israelites would've known about the Messiah prophecy and that one day He will come down and free Israel of its oppressors and bring them into a golden age-- if anything, they were praying and banking on the possibility that it'll happen soon because they didn't like their arrangement with the Romans, being taxed stifling amounts and dealing with the government corruption and all.

Sooooo the reason why everyone portrays the Nativity as a happy, triumphant event... because no one at the time knew the how of Jesus performing his role as the Messiah. Everyone was expecting a mighty figure leading the people to storm the gates and cast out the Romans, and when Jesus began His ministry at the age of 30, everyone got their hopes up with Him. He had very based takes that most people agreed with, He performed miracles, He was overall very chill and gave a lot of people the comfort and healing they needed, and His name meant "Savior"! Ain't no way this isn't the Messiah! Jesus of Nazareth, the King of Jews!

And then He died about three years into His ministry, accused, condemned and executed for blasphemy.

Yes it all went according to plan, but no one knew that. No one could've foreseen that Jesus was born to live to die, even with a wise man offering Jesus myrrh (which yes is enbalming fluid but is also an acceptable bougie af gift to give at the time) and Simeon's prophecy, which is the vaguest prophecy ever written on paper ("[Jesus] is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul, too." - Luke 2:34-35).

Until Jesus was apprehended at Gethsemane, no one had for a moment thought that their King, their Savior would be put to death before any front could be made behind him. Which I would argue is even angstier :]c A person a good half of the population loved and thought would free them of their oppression, only for that person to be convicted and put to death. And unlike the disciples, who scattered and hid from the Roman guards throughout Jesus' trial, Mary, Mother of Jesus, stayed and watched a few paces away from the cross. Her beloved son, dying in pain, mocked by the Jews, slandered by the Romans, jeered by the criminals on either side of him. The Man who was destined to save Israel.

why is religious Christmas imagery all so joyful and pleasant? where is the inherent horror of the birth of Christ? A mother is handed her newborn child, wailing and innocent. Her hands come away sticky. Red. Simply by giving her son life she has already killed him. He is doomed from the beginning. Her love will not save him from suffering. Because the thing cradled in her arms is not a baby, it is a sacrifice: born amongst the other bleating animals whose blood will one day be spilled in the name of what demands it. the night is silent with anticipation. Mary, did you know? That your womb was also a grave?

[txttletale]

bundletober #8: nasty, brutish, and long

welcome to bundletober, the txttletale dot tumblr dot com ttrpg blogging indulgence that absolutely everyone. is talking about? yes! today i read a slightly longer game than most of the ones i've been talking about here, because, frankly, it captivated me. nasty brutish, and long, by not writing, is a game about rebellion.

what instantly drew me into this game is that 'rebellion' isn't abstract and it doesn't happen for no reason. a lot of games like to style themselvs as being 'about rebellion' or 'about revolution', with no actual desire to engage in why revolutions happen--there's an evil empire and you're fighting it because it's evil. but nasty, brutish, and long is clearly deeply invested in questions of class and economics--part of the first session asks you to consider the economic state of the nation:

and yet another part gives you a 36-item table to roll on for an inciting incident for the revolution in question:

i love this shit--well, firstly, because i love games that give you strong plot hooks, games that tell you about their world, games that imply possibilities through options rather than grabbing your lapels and telling you what possibilities are on the table in tedious monologue. but second because this shows that the game wants to tell stories about the realities of revolution, that it is founding itself in history as more than just an aesthetic.

another really cool thing that happens before you even get out of character creation is 'backgrounds' -- as part of creating your character, you select four backgrounds (professions your character has worked), which are separated by social class (another choice you make at character creation). while you can always choose, the game encourages you to roll on yet more tables and make a story from that--i've done it a few times, and it's great fun.

for example, in the course of writing this post i created geoffrey--born a rural peasant class, he was taken in under the wing of a preacher after his family died. the preacher recognizes his potential and groomed him to be his successor--when the preacher eventually passed away, geoffrey, who'd always been a confident silvertongued lad, became his rural township's pastor. however, although he was convincing, he'd never been a true believer--so while when on a pilgrimage a merchant approached him with a simple scheme, using the legal immunity afforded to pilgrims to have him smuggle contraband into the country, he happily became a smuggler. this worked out great for a while, and saw geoffrey make a very tidy sum--but after a particularly close call he realized that he needed to get the hell out of this arrangement. with the sum of his ill-gotten gains, he travelled to a city and purchased a bookstore, becoming a middle class shop owner. he happily lived out the next few decades selling books--but at heart, he missed the fire of a sermon, having the ear of a crowd, so in his late years he passed his shop on to his son and became an elderly teacher, bringing literacy to the village of his youth.

this is exactly the kind of thing i fucking love about tabletop roleplaying games, the feeling that the game is chiming in with me as i try to tell a story, throwing me these weird curveballs i have to 'yes, and!' to create a backstory i'd never have thought of on a million years on my own. something else worth noting is that character creation is very open for a forged in the dark game -- you're unlkely to even have the same set of attributes as someone else, and you can pick backgrounds and abilities (mostly) totally independent of one another or any overarching playbook-type restriction.

the game itself diverges from blades in a lot of interesting ways. instead of blades' system of looking for the highest die, nasty, brutish, and long operates on a die pool system, which is what allows for it to add a large pile of levers for influencing rolls, including using multiple attributes for the same roll--there seems to be some OSR influence in here, with the open-endedness of the actual moment to moment gameplay and the vast amount of opportunities to use and exchange in-game resources. that said, unlike OSR stuff, there's a lot of effort being put in here to hand narrative control to players. instead of just saying 'you succeed' on a success, it says, 'the PC narrates what happens' which is a really cool spin on the usual success/mixed success/failure trifecta. players also get the ability to make up NPCs by expending resources, which is super cool.

other highlights include a take on burning wheel's drives system, a weird version of blades' resist mechanic that lets you change, rather than avert, the consequence your character faces, and a take on 'downtime' that frames it as more of a timeskip, during which years can pass. it's pretty cool stuff.

oh, and finally--the fucking style of this game is incredible. it does a lot with very little colour--a few splashes of dark red here and there is all it needs to complement its striking black and white, rich sense of texture, and

if there's one thing i don't like about nasty, brutish, and long, it's that it doesn't have any strong ideas about what the players need to be doing. the game establishes social turmoil and brewing revolution, makes a huge point of social class and class differences, but the verbs, the substance of what your player characters do, is deliberately left totally open. and that's cool for some people, some people like that openness a lot! but for me, who appreciates a tight and specific design, it doesn't do much. the tagline says its 'an game about class and revolution'--and i'm not sure i can fully agree with that. it'd be more accurate to call it a game 'containing class and revolution'. which is a step up from a lot of games that claim to be revolutionary, as i said before--but at the end of the day leaves me feeling like something's been left on the table.

still, there's a huge amount here worth checking out--even if you don't intend on playing it, it's a great look into the different directions you can take the forged in the dark framework, and a great tool for Making Up Guys. can't go wrong with making up a guy!

nasty, brutish, and long can be purchased as a digital download through itch.io

[kickthecanrevolution]

My friend from Seattle Mike and I have this kind of spooky relationship where he reaches out with something for me after his prayer times. He’s a deeply spiritual person who helps vulnerable, marginalized people be well in their body, mind and spirit. He’s such a good guy. We aren’t close friends but it’s been happening for years, when I need to hear from Gcd the most, Mike shows up in my Facebook messenger. He even wrote about it in his book. It doesn’t happen with any of his other acquaintances. It even happened the night of my first mammogram and when I found out the tumor was bigger.

So when he let me know he was in town to give a talk to a group of people from a church, I decided to go. I haven’t been around Christians in years, pretty charismatic ones, I have a rocky relationship with that group and they always make me feel a little uncomfortable I’m not really a Christia, I don’t think I ever really was but there is some thing that deeply resonates about the Holy Spirit for me and always has since I was little. I just don’t understand all of the other stuff around it, so I stopped going to church because I just felt like I was using it and using all the people who build such a lifestyle and have such a commitment to it. I felt disingenuous and I’ve always felt super uncomfortable and organized religion as a result.

I was in Seattle Thur-Fri and decided to triple check the time of the gathering and realized it was Saturday morning, not evening – so I was able to change my flight to take a 6 AM flight home to make sure I could drive the hour for the 10am start. I got up at 3:45 AM to make sure I got to the airport so already a long day before I even got there.

I walk in and it’s this guy’s apartment and there’s maybe 15 or 20 people there. I don’t know anyone, they are mostly Chinese or Korean – obviously part of the very specific community, very Christian. I felt uncomfortable, but it was so great to see Mike, and people were generally nice. Some people had actually flown in from other places to hear Mike and I teased him for being kind of a big deal.

The pastor of the church was there and Mike ended up giving kind of a talk back-and-forth. I was immediately annoyed that the pastor talked so much and didn’t give Mike a chance to speak. It was an interesting topic - identity - and the question and answer time I talked a little bit about how I found it very easy to hide from myself in church culture – that I actually didn’t deal with my pain, it probably didn’t have anything to do with the people around me, but more about me wanting to hide and not having a commitment to change and to do that. Ultimately, I found Church mostly very lonely and i’d experience the most personal growth through my friends who were atheist. I was careful not to blame them, because I don’t think it’s their fault – it just wasn’t my place, it wasn’t my way.

The discussion then moved to a concept called soul ties – the person that you feel a connection to that is keeping you stuck in growth, the conversation that you constantly have in your head and always talk about. The groove you can’t get out of in your mind. So we broke up into small groups and talked about our soul ties and prayed for each other – I was a little uncomfortable, but was with the sweetest young man and an older woman who again, wouldn’t stop talking. She wasn’t vulnerable at all, she was exactly the type of person who did a lot of scolding about Harry Potter and witchcraft and blah blah blah. I was totally annoyed. When it was my turn, I talked about my soul tie I wanted freedom from and they prayed for me – and in the quiet the young man Leo said “Diane, I think God wants you to know that he trusts you.” I have no idea why, but that hit my heart so loudly and I burst into tears. I’m still processing why.

After lunch, there was a time for prayer. I dug in stubbornly and told myself that I’m not going to ask for prayer, that if I was meant for it, somehow it would come up in the room with all of these strangers. I had this picture of the paralyzed man from the Bible being dropped down by his friends, and even though those weren’t my friends, that was the only way I was going to be prayed for. There’s something about having cancer that you want to tell everybody and you don’t want to tell anybody all at the same but when you say it – it’s a real party stopper. It almost feels kind of manipulative to talk about it.

So the pastor asked, “who would like prayer?” and immediately this random guy said I just feel like we need to pray for Diane”. Remember, I don’t know any of these people they were total strangers – I looked at Mike and asked if he had said anything and he looked bewildered and said no. I absolutely burst into tears in the whole room to me and I told them what was going on – they gathered around me and prayed, and one of them said Diana’s like the paralyzed man that was lowered down to be prayed for- that actually happened.

I said all of it out loud how I feel like I’ve done this to myself, and I’ve hurt my friends and my family and a process. All that guilt and shame just poured out and the fear of being mostly alone during the treatments. I told them I was not going to ask for prayer but that I had the picture of being dropped down on the mat in that room. I think they were all freaked out as I was

Afterwards, I met two women from my area who could go to a local church. I grab their numbers. I’m still pretty suspect of Christians and their role in this world but I think two things can be true at the same time. Regardless, it was a remarkable experience, and between that and the peace of being in Seattle I’m as ready as I’m going to be.

[t4tozier]

3, 5, 13, 17, and 20 for Silas <3

3. What was the first thing you decided on, the character's name, appearance, personality or their role in the story?

ooh !! this is really interesting. his personality was the first thing i came up with—i’ve discussed it a bit before but essentially there are 4 archetypes (like classes) in this game so i started there. it also gives some examples of careers/roles in society that those archetypes might have, so silas’ type is Speaker, and preacher was given as one of the potential options.

once i had that, i really liked the idea of making a scared little guy. i knew he was gonna be like a tall skinny guy that looks like he could be blown over by a strong wind. i call him an introvert but i don’t think that’s exactly true…i think that he just gets shy when it comes to interacting with people outside of the context of the church because that’s his comfort zone so he needs a little more of an external push to let people get to know him beyond him just being the friendly if a little irritating young preacher of the gap

5. How did you choose their name and why? Was it simply based on vibes or is there any specific meaning behind the name? Are the reasons behind their name different in- and out of universe?

@anarchypumpkincowboy aka our gm sent me a few lists of old timey first names and also the tennessee census for popular last names from the 20s! i found silas first so i wanted a last name that sounded good with that. the syllables matter most for me so i like that its like. two quarter notes and a triplet. ykwim.

i actually put it in the tags of some post at some point but i think silas’ daddy was silas sr so that’s where that comes from in universe <3

13. Do you have a voice claim for the character? What do you imagine the character sounds like?

given that he’s a character for a game rather than a written thing his voice claim is me but with a southern accent <3 he’s got a bit of a higher voice than my normal speaking voice, more stammers and a little breathier sometimes. he’s a nervous little guy and the Voices distract him from speaking in fluid sentences a lot of the time

17. Are there any motifs or symbols associated with the character? How are they represented, in their design, personality or in some other way?

i always call him my baby cow but really he’s such a lamb. he’s being fattened up for the slaughter and the whole time he’s looking at the butcher with big bright eyes trusting him wholeheartedly. (i think you got pickens’ playlist when it was actually still called the butcher before i changed it.) the juxtaposition of like. blood on a lamb’s white coat very much gives me silas energy.

he also makes me think of the sun, but specifically the sunlight coming through the trees. like the ray of sunshine that breaks through the tree cover in the middle of the forest

a rusty crucifix with shiny parts from where it’s been rubbed over and over, a well-worn bible with notes in the margins, spilled ink, scratching up your hands to pluck fresh blackberries off a bush and the sour-sweet of them on your tongue,,,i could go on

20. Bonus question: share any additional thoughts, art, favourite scenes, anything you've been waiting for a chance to ramble about

i’m really excited to delve deeper into his relationships with the other pcs and the npcs his age !! i’ve been very fixated on his relationship to the pastor (and jeremiah to a lesser extent) but i’m excited to have him interact with iris and sally mae some more. i also can’t wait to have him interact with josie and see what that relationship is like. all of his relationships are essentially headcanon territory atp because we haven’t started the game so i’m really curious to see how my perception of them change when we actually get into the game.

[tangled-wires-and-a-dead-heart]

for SH asks (your questions are fun I enjoy them lol) - 12, 13, 14, 19?

Here you go! (Warning this is a bit long, especially on 13 lol)

12. What's your favorite ship(s)? What's your least favorite ship(s)?

In general my favorite ships that don't include the MC are Stabby (stella x Tabitha) and kaneeka x Reese (in a world where the mc isn't romancing either party)

My favorite ships that include the MC are Andy (my mystical/keen eye MC) x Avery and Raymond (my powerful build/street smart MC) x Kaneeka!

I don't really think that I have any least favorite ships? (Unless you want to include any incest ships- which yeah- I really don't like)

13. What's your favorite non romantic relationship in the game? (Friendship, family, ect)

I love the bond between you and Tabitha, I particularly like it when the MC has a good relationship with Tabitha, but having a strained/tense/negative relationship with Tabitha can be just as interesting!

Pastor Daniel’s whole family unit is also very funny and sweet, Daniel's “firm parenting moment” with tulip is actually hilarious, overhearing janey and tulip’s conversation about the MC at the diner during ep 1 is also hilarious, and Daniel and Janey really seem to love each other a lot, it's so cute!

This is a more “me exclusive” thing but I enjoy the dynamics that all of my MCs have with Wayne, which aren't necessarily positive? None of my MCs really have a good relationship with Wayne, in my eyes they all sort of fall on a spectrum where one end of that spectrum is complete avoidance (Eleanor and Andy) and the other end is very adversarial. (Wesley (although his relationship with Wayne leans slightly positive(?) and Raymond)

Eleanor really hates Wayne, he scares her out and she doesn't want to be anywhere near him, and she basically takes any chance she can to try and run away from him, as she does with any of her problems(to varying levels of success). By the end of episode 4 I think that she's realized that she can't just keep running away from things that scare her and that she really can't run away from Wayne, so she's just resigned herself to hating him in silence.

Andy has (by virtue of always being near Tabitha) had the least amount of interaction with Wayne and that is just fine by them. They don't hate Wayne, Andy doesn't have it in their heart to actively be putting their energy into hating someone, but that doesn't mean that Andy would want to be all budy budy with Wayne (cause they don't). Andy doesn't agree with a lot of the things that Wayne thinks and does, they have fundamentally different values from Wayne so the two don't really mesh that well. Andy doesn't really try to talk with Wayne that much, and doesn't want to.

Wesley is very similar to Andy in his original dealings with Wayne, but Wesley has far much more bite than Andy does, so (like he does with almost anyone that he has a problem with) he isn't afraid of speaking his mind about all of his feelings about Wayne. But Wesley also has a bit of a strange curiosity when it comes to Wayne, like, what is he? Why is he here? Why is he following him? Some random lawyer that (up until his visit to Scarlet Hollow) had never done anything interesting with his life ever? He's like “I want to know this strange man's secrets” “what does he know?” (Wesley and wayne actually tend to have similar mannerisms and thought patterns, if circumstances were different, wesley might actually "get along" with Wayne (in the way that he gets along with anyone who doesn't completely annoy him, which is only somewhat friendly acquaintances at best. Wesley is not a social guy.))

Raymond is well…he's Raymond y'know? He's a pretty commanding presence that (up until now) had rarely found anyone that could match him, let alone utterly surpass him, in anything and now a literal corpse is up and doing all of that and more. So it's safe to say that he's a bit razzled by all of this. (He's never actually encountered a problem that couldn't just be solved by punching before so yeah- he's pretty razzled up by all of this) He also doesn't appreciate how secretive Wayne's being about everything? Like, Raymond knows when someone's holding out on him- and Wayne clearly knows more than he's letting on. Ray doesn't like people pulling on his chain and he would much rather that they be open and honest, not purposely holding back because it's “not time yet” or whatever. Up until ep 4, Raymond acts very punchy and fighty towards Wayne. After ep 4 and Raymond's finally had a chance to actually hit Wayne and realizing that he really can't hurt him, he's just a bit tired of it, he'll probably get back to business as usual when he's had rest, but for the few minutes that it took Wayne to walk him back to the estate, Raymond was (kind of) chill with Wayne.

14. Any predictions/theories you have about future episodes?

I think that a lot of my theories about the future episodes are ones that are generally shared with a lot of other people in the fandom. I’ve realized that I don't really have a lot of original thoughts lol.

I think that one of my better thoughts is that Big Betty (Duke and Bo’s pumpkin) is probably some kind of plant monster and that Julius (probably) didn't steal her (because how does one man carry off a 2,000 lb pumpkin by himself? Julius is clearly stated as being a very weak fellow, and an MC with PB can even mention how whoever managed to make off with a 2,000 lb pumpkin must've been super strong- which clearly doesn't match up with Julius.)

A more, slightly out there(?), thought that I have is that maybe the missing Alexandra Scarlet (pretty sure that's her name?) got taken by the “rats” infecting the church for some purpose or reason, and now that she can't do whatever they want, they want another kid who can, which is why they keep trying to temp tulip out into the forest (probably to where the “rats” live/gather).

(A situation that is very similar to the book “Took: a ghost story”, in which a witch encourages little girls to abandon their families in order to go and “live with her” in the woods (aka: being her maid/servant). The witch keeps the girl for fifty years, and then she lets the girl go and finds another one that's "new" and can work better/harder)

Don't know how probable this little theory is, but yeah!

19. What is/are your favorite scene(s) in the game?

As stated before, I love the whole haunting scene at Oscars house in episode 3! The whole thing is so creepy and cool!

Tabitha giving up her years to the ghost instead of you if you have a close enough bond with her is just great, it's both really sad and really sweet that she's willing to do that for you if you're close enough with her.

I also love the hangouts with the love interests (+Tabitha) in episode 3 as well! My favorite ones out of them are kaneeka's, Avery’s, and Tabitha's!

The romance lock in-s with kaneeka and Stella are really nice as well, I find them very cute!

I also love the little ice cream social that you have with Tabitha at the end of episode 4! It's just so sweet to see Tabitha and the MC getting along and being friends!!

[spiritualdirections]

The USCCB is working on a document about youth and young adult ministry. The Pillar interviewed one of the committee staff members who was involved in drafting this "pastoral framework", which will be voted on by the Bishops' Conference next month. I have been working in young adult ministry for most of my priesthood, and even before that. I've been a college chaplain and a college professor. I was recognized by my diocese for my work with young adults. And yet, I'd never heard of anything from the USCCB on this topic. So I was interested to read about this document.

The theme of the document will be "listen, teach, send". The reporter notes that this sounds very much like the FOCUS model of "win, build, send". Well, sniffs the staff member, "the threefold FOCUS perspective did come up, but that did not inspire [the document's] paradigm."

I have worked closely with FOCUS (the Felllowship of Catholic University Students) for years. It is one of the largest Catholic apostolates in the country, and it specializes in young people--people coming into colleges, people in college, people recently out of college. They have been thinking about and studying this demographic for years. They try lots of things, they learn what works, and they change what doesn't. They have 25 years of practical experience in working with young people, and they are very effective.

And so I ask, Why wouldn't the bishops conference want to start from what FOCUS has learned? Why would anyone think that the committee staff members have a better idea of how to do youth ministry than this gigantic and effective youth ministry organization?

[There's actually an answer to this question! The committee members can be found here: https://www.usccb.org/topics/youth-and-young-adult-ministries/bishops-working-group-youth-and-young-adults. Scrolling to the bottom, one finds a list of the consultants and staff members. The staff member who is in charge of Youth and Young Adult Ministries last worked directly with young adults in 2006, before the first smartphone. (Things have changed with America's youth since then!) The consultants include two people who work for the National Institute on Ministry with Young Adults and the USCCB National Advisory Team on Young Adult Ministry. These seem to be the same thing. The second organization does not have a functioning website, but simply redirects to the first organization's website, which seems barely to have been updated since 2021. (Young people use the web!) The other consultants seem to be specialists in outreach to minority communities. Objective conclusion: Nobody on the team has anything like the practical experience with young adults that FOCUS has.]

But that sort of argument is ad hominem--it might not matter who a person is if his ideas are great. My goal is not to disparage administrators and bureaucrats--Administration is one of the charismatic gifts of the Holy Spirit! Everyone's life is better when the bureaucrats are good at their job! But when we turn to the ideas... they do not seem so great.

The USCCB Committee seems commited to the idea of "accompanying the youth,"--one of its consultants wrote an article on "accompaniment" for Accompany Magazine-- which I think helps explain why they thought that the first step in dealing with young adults is to "listen" to them. I'm not opposed to listening to young people, but I prefer FOCUS' idea that the first step is to win them. If I ask an indifferent and poorly formed freshman in college what he wants out of the Church, I'm not sure he'll tell me anything worthwhile. That's because he hasn't thought about the Church. He's never wondered, "What is it about the Church that is keeping me from being a holy person with a deep interior life?" So, listening to him will not help me figure out that answer. The difference between "listening" and "winning" is that you can only listen to someone's needs if he or she can articulate them. Many young people don't know what they want from the Church. They need to be shown the Church in all its richness, so that they can respond to it. That's what FOCUS' idea of winning does.

The USCCB draft document proposes that the Church meet the young people "where they're at". The problem with this is that the Church is bigger than young people understand; basing our apostolic approach upon what they understand about the Church is to falsify the Church. The better move is not to shrink the Church to fit in the confines of a teenage intellect, but to make the teenager want to learn more about this cool and ancient Church. Impress them, don't coddle them.

Another difference between the "listen, teach, send" model and the "win, build, send" model of FOCUS: Listening and teaching are at the level of the intellect. But for many young adults, it's their wills that need to change before they are open to learning. I'm a professor, and I'm a big believer in teaching. But it's basically pointless to try to engage an unwilling student. FOCUS trains their missionaries in how to win young people over in a variety of ways, and they apply their intelligence to find new ways to reach the each generation of students. Once they've become engaged, that's when they start to thirst for the kind of teaching I'm more than happy to give.

Finally, it looks like the USCCB document will be focused on parishes as the locus of youth and young adult ministry.* FOCUS makes the small group the place where young people are principally formed. That is clearly the superior model, both for winning people and for building them up intellectually and humanly to be able to go out and spread the Gospel themselves. Sunday Mass is essential to the spiritual life, but it is not optimized for formation.

If the USCCB wants to listen to young people, I'd recommend that it listen to the young people in FOCUS. And in St. Paul's Outreach, in the World Youth Alliance, NET ministries, and other extremely effective apostolates working with young adults.

* The USCCB committee has as a major initiative to get young people to "actively participate" in the Mass on the Feast of Christ the King each year--see the 13:30 mark of this video. This is a meh idea, one that starts with a theological mistake: Active participation in the liturgy is a term used by Sacrosanctum Concilium #14, which means to be spiritually active--to pay attention at Mass and to pray along with the liturgy, rather than zoning out or praying the rosary while the priest prays the Mass. Active participation does not mean to participate as an usher or a lector or a greeter or some other physically active role. Obviously, youth and young adults are not engaged in the Mass unless they are spiritually engaged. Sometimes, those who are spiritually engaged also volunteer to be lectors. The Committee puts the cart before the horse.

[calespsychoticbubble]

An opportunity

A few weeks ago, one of my community group leaders approached me and asked if I would be interested in taking her place. She has been in discussions with our campus pastor and some other leaders and she said she felt like she was being called to lead another group that was more focused on women, not young adults. She is a bit older, but our group loves having her as a leader because of her gentle demeanor and vulnerability. I wasn't shocked that she was looking to lead a different group since our leaders had been rather quiet over the summer, but I was a little shocked that she approached me.

I used to lead back home, and I led for many years throughout middle school, high school, and university. In those years, I had a variety of experiences as a leader and I don't think I was able to conclude my time there very well. I left my leadership position with relief after the tough last two years due to various politics and drama that had occurred. I didn't have very much faith in church leadership and I didn't trust my peers to fulfill their responsibilities. I think even in my last year as a leader I wondered if I should have led at all, if I was meant to be in that position to begin with, and that it was a good thing that I was leaving.

I guess I still have those questions to this day. Was I supposed to lead at that time? Did God have a different plan for me that I missed? I want to say that God was calling me to be faithful at that time, to serve my peers even though I felt like I wasn't doing a good job or I felt like I couldn't work with the other leaders. Our pastor at the time didn't really have any other leaders lined up and I didn't want to quit halfway or give up without the next steps planned out. So, to say that I had a good opinion of leading at the end of my time there would be a lie.

In the past four years, I've moved churches, gone back to in-person services, found a church community I wanted to invest in, started serving again and attending community group in 2022, and now I'm here. My time at this church has helped me to heal and understand my experience back home and to have trust in fellowship again.

(I will say that my faith and trust in church leadership has not been fully restored. I found that I have developed a habit of avoiding pastors if I can and when I do talk to them that I still feel guarded. That's something I have noticed and I'm trying not to let it prevent me from meeting the pastors at my church, but it's a work in progress.)

I have grown to love my community group and I have taken on tasks here and there. I've hosted a couple times, brought snacks and drinks, led discussion, and planned a couple events. Both of my leaders are quite busy with work and life, so I try to help out when I can. I was actually quite happy with how things are since I didn't have to officially take on a leadership role but I could still help out when I could.

The idea of leading a community group did come up with me and my SO a few months ago, but we didn't pursue it deeply at the time. So perhaps this offer was in response to that? I wasn't sure what to say when she asked me if I was interested, so I took a couple weeks to think about it. In those weeks, our pastor asked to talk to me and asked my SO to join us and asked if the two of us would take on a leadership role in our community group to gradually replace both of our leaders.

We took time to think about it and pray about it and over dinner we discussed our thoughts. Neither of us had any concerns about leading together, which was a good sign. Both of us are pretty busy, but it seems feasible and it is something we thought about doing before. As we transition into those roles, I am a little nervous about how my previous experience will manifest itself in my thoughts and my actions. Will I really be able to lead again? I will likely share these thoughts with my SO as time goes on so that we can support each other and pray together.

While I am nervous, I am also kind of excited to see how God will transform me again. He already did so much to change my perspective on church and community groups, I wonder how He will address my history in leadership.

[xiaq]

Ok I'm probably not going to say this right but after your last post I have have a question I guess? I don't really like sex and I love the idea of a relationship that doesn't require sex to be happy and healthy. I really relate to the whole not being anxious about taking a shower together or expectations or wahtever that you talked about but I've never experienced it before. Is that something you get from dating a friend? I guess I just want to know how you get to a place like that.

CW for sex talk. Hello friend. Apparently today is the day for Long Ass Ask Answers.

I wish someone had told me this years ago so I’m saying it to you now in case it saves you some angst:

Don’t settle for bad sex.

If you don’t like the sex you’re having, stop. If you don’t like having sex at all—neat! You’ll have so much time for other activities. You do not owe yourself to anyone, under any circumstances, even if you’re socially trained to think you do.

Listen. I took PhD qualifying exams in Feminist theory. And even I had more or less submitted myself to the idea that sex just wasn’t going to be that fun for me and I’d need to learn to deal or be alone.

I admittedly have very little sexual experience, but the experience I had up until my current relationship was lackluster. I wasn’t repulsed by sex, but it was eh at best and painful at worst and I’d never initiated a sexual situation in my life because A. ultra conservative Christian doctrine during your formative years can seriously fuck up your perception of intimacy in general (insert Youth Pastor Voice here: “men enjoy the act of sex, women enjoy the results of sex: children”) and B. I just…would rather do all sorts of other things. Sex was a thing other people wanted from me and if I cared about them I was supposed to provide it.

Objectively, I knew this was wrong. And yet.

Let me lay out some Inarguable Truths for you. Sex should not:

hurt (unless you want it to)

make you uncomfortable

make you feel dread or guilt before or afterward

be used as leverage

be coerced

be treated as a necessity by your partner

I told my current partner at the very beginning of our relationship (when I was trying to convince him that he didn’t actually want to be in a relationship with me) that I didn’t particularly enjoy sex, that I really didn’t like penetrative sex, and I that wasn’t willing to pretend otherwise anymore.

His response: “then we won’t have sex.”

Let me tell you, that threw me for a loop. I was expecting the more typical, “you’d enjoy sex with me” or even “what a waste.”

“Ever?” I asked.

“Ever.”

Well, okay then.

After a couple of weeks, I decided to try anyway. Not because I felt pressured but because I was curious. I thought maybe there would be one of those fanfic/romance novel moments and, suddenly, I’d love sex because I’d found The Right Person. Reader, I did not get my moment. Except for this time, I didn’t feel like I had to just suck it up. So we stopped. We made stir fry and cuddled and talked about the RMS Carpathia and Abraham Lincoln’s assassination (any nerds know what these things have in common?) instead. A+ evening.

A week later, he came to me, and after spending a surfeit of time qualifying what he was about to say with assurances that he didn’t expect anything from me, etc., etc. he told me he’d done some research because he was concerned there was an underlying issue causing my pain/discomfort. I hadn’t ever thought to ask my doctor because, at my pap/annual exam each year, they’d say my downstairs parts looked fine and send me on my way. Surely they would have said something? But I made an appointment with an OB and I brought a list of questions.

Did you know that endometriosis can make penetrative sex hella painful? Did you know that, if you have an autoimmune disease, even if you’re managing it well, you might deal with significant inflammation the week before your period, which can also make sex hella painful? Did you know that if you’re a small human you might just have a lower cervix which can (surprise) make sex hella painful? Did you know that there are things you can do to at least somewhat ameliorate these issues? Did you know that, when you stop viewing sex as an uncomfortable thing you have to provide and instead view it as an optional activity where you have full autonomy, you suddenly stop feeling guilt and dread at the very concept of physical intimacy and can actually, maybe, enjoy it? I do now. I didn’t for 15 years.

Do not settle for bad sex. Because if someone isn’t willing to sort out why you’re uncomfortable, and how to change your approach to intimacy to fix it, they’re probably not a good partner for you. If you simply don’t want sex and your partner insists on it, they’re probably not a good partner for you. There is a whole spectrum of reasons why you might not enjoy sex and I obviously can’t speak to all of them but Please. Learn from my mistakes. When you start drawing hard lines you're going to make progress, one way or another. Don’t let anyone convince you that you’re broken or undesirable if you’re not interested in sex. That’s a them problem, not a you problem.

I arrived to the place I'm at in my current relationship because I advocated for myself and said I wasn't willing to do something that made me uncomfortable. And my partner, who views me as a three-dimensional human being with more to offer the world than my body, immediately validated my feelings and agreed not to push my boundaries. Was the fact that we were friends for years helpful there? Sure. Because I already implicitly trusted him. But the important thing here is to know your limits and be willing to stick up for yourself. If you're explicit about your desires, it's easier to find the folks who are a good fit for fulfilling those desires.

[feedingtheflockministry]

It is Wrong to Profit Off of What is Godly

Back in the 1980’s, as I was growing up in church and Christian school, I started to have ill feelings towards the church bookstore located in the church lobby. I was not sure why at that time in my life, but just felt like it was wrong on some level. The older I got the more aware I became of not only the money that followed into the bookstore, but also through pastors and guest speakers saying they needed money for various projects or ministry support in general. Many of these individuals drove luxury cars, and lived in very nice houses (some of which were behind large gates, walls, and fences).

At the age of seventeen while watching my great grandmother go through the dying process she confessed to giving all her money away to television preachers who promised a blessing in return for it.

In my early thirties I had a co-worker that would send his mother money so she could pay her bills, but the pastor of her church would come to her trailer home and ask for money claiming it was for the ministry. So she would end up giving him the money, and tell her son that she needed more. He found out what was happening, and started paying her bills for her so this pastor would stop coming around.

I have seen many popular evangelists and preachers go from pulpits, arenas, stadiums, and tv shows to promote books and teachings that are based on the holy scriptures, and become very wealthy off of it all throughout my entire life.

In my early forties (when I started to really apply myself to my walk with Jesus like never before) I listened to the entire Bible and then afterwards would pick a book in it that I felt drawn to listen to while I worked. One night as I was listening to the book of Micah a passage, as if amplified in my ears, stood out in such a way that I had to stop for a moment and re-listen to it. That passage answered why I felt ill feelings towards the church bookstore and everything thereafter.

That passage says this, “With the Spirit of the LORD and with justice and courage to make known to Jacob his rebellious act, even to Israel his sin. Now hear this, heads of the house of Jacob and rulers of the house of Israel, who abhor justice and twist everything that is straight, who build Zion with bloodshed and Jerusalem with violent injustice. Her leaders pronounce judgment for a bribe, her priests instruct for a price and her prophets divine for money. Yet they lean on the LORD saying, “Is not the LORD in our midst? Calamity will not come upon us.” Therefore, on account of you Zion will be plowed as a field, Jerusalem will become a heap of ruins, and the mountain of the temple will become high places of a forest.” Micah 3:8-12

“Her priests instruct for a price and her prophets divine for money. Yet they lean on the LORD saying, “Is not the LORD in our midst? Calamity will not come upon us.” This is exactly what is going on in today’s churches.

Since then I have seen more scripture references pointing to this practice as being ungodly. Some passages we all know of but do not associate them with this practice, and other passages most have no idea of. Below are four other examples found in scripture, but I am sure there are many others as well.

“If anyone advocates a different doctrine and does not agree with sound words, those of our Lord Jesus Christ, and with the doctrine conforming to godliness, he is conceited and understands nothing; but he has a morbid interest in controversial questions and disputes about words, out of which arise envy, strife, abusive language, evil suspicions, and constant friction between men of depraved mind and deprived of the truth, who suppose that godliness is a means of gain. But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment. For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either. If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content. But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.” 1 Timothy 6:3-10

“…who suppose that godliness is a means of gain.” Many people who write such books and produce teaching videos for the purpose of selling them are using godliness as a means of gain. “But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction.”

Here is some examples of how Jesus felt about mixing money with godliness.

And Jesus entered the temple and drove out all those who were buying and selling in the temple, and overturned the tables of the money changers and the seats of those who were selling doves. And He said to them, “It is written, ‘MY HOUSE SHALL BE CALLED A HOUSE OF PRAYER’; but you are making it a ROBBERS’ DEN.” Matthew 21:12-13

These merchants were profiting off of why people were there in the first place. They were there to pay homage to The Lord God, and focus on Him in prayer. They were also profiting off of selling doves for sacrifice of sins. Therefore Jesus declared these merchants thrives in His house of prayer.

“These twelve Jesus sent out after instructing them, saying, “Do not go on a road to Gentiles, and do not enter a city of Samaritans; but rather go to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. And as you go, preach, saying, ‘The kingdom of heaven has come near.’ Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those with leprosy, cast out demons. Freely you received, freely give. Do not acquire gold, or silver, or copper for your money belts, or a bag for your journey, or even two tunics, or sandals, or a staff; for the worker is deserving of his support. And whatever city or village you enter, inquire who is worthy in it, and stay at his house until you leave that city. As you enter the house, give it your greeting. If the house is worthy, see that your blessing of peace comes upon it. But if it is not worthy, take back your blessing of peace. And whoever does not receive you nor listen to your words, as you leave that house or city, shake the dust off your feet. Truly I say to you, it will be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah on the day of judgment, than for that city.” Matthew 10:5-15

Jesus equipped His disciples with power and authority and sent them out saying, “Freely you received, freely give”. No one should be charging money for what The Lord has freely given them. That includes wisdom, knowledge, and understanding of the scriptures. Another thing He said immediately afterwards was this, “Do not acquire gold, or silver, or copper for your money belts, or a bag for your journey, or even two tunics, or sandals, or a staff; for the worker is deserving of his support.” No one should be acquiring money for ministry work.

Therefore, six days before the Passover, Jesus came to Bethany where Lazarus was, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. So they made Him a dinner there, and Martha was serving; and Lazarus was one of those reclining at the table with Him. Mary then took a pound of very expensive perfume of pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped His feet with her hair; and the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume. But Judas Iscariot, one of His disciples, the one who intended to betray Him, said, “Why was this perfume not sold for three hundred denarii and the proceeds given to poor people?” Now he said this, not because he cared about the poor, but because he was a thief, and as he kept the money box, he used to steal from what was put into it. Therefore Jesus said, “Leave her alone, so that she may keep it for the day of My burial. For you always have the poor with you, but you do not always have Me.” John 12:1-8

In this passage we see Judas who was one of the twelve disciples (who was equipped with power and authority in Jesus’ ministry as the other eleven were) trying to find a way to enrich himself financially by trying to shame Mary into selling her perfume meant for Jesus in order to put that money in their money box. It was her sacrifice to The Lord, and The Lord accepted it and forgave her of her many sins. Judas’ desire for money eventually lead to his falling into temptation and betrayal of The Lord. As Paul said, “For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.”

It wise and beneficial to all followers of Christ to avoid teachers, pastors, prophets, evangelists, healers, apostles, bishops, reverends, priests, rabbis, and anyone else in the faith that charges money for what they have freely received for The Lord. For if they charge money for these things their words are subject to being questionable in intent, and the very whereabouts they received the understanding they teach others.

[perpetual-help]

If I might ask, how did you return to Holy Mother Church?

Well, the short answer would be by the graces won for me by The Blessed Mother. I owe everything to her intercession.

I was a cradle Catholic who fell away from the Church during my later teenage years. I abandoned God out of anger and also out of a growing curiosity in the occult. I studied and practiced (and eventually mentored in) witchcraft for about six years. Towards the end of the six years, my pursuits into witchcraft grew darker and more sinister. To give you an example of the mindset I was spiraling towards - back then, I was becoming more acquainted with groups who condoned human sacrifice / cannibalistic rituals / cursing for the pleasure of causing chaos and misery / knowingly working with demons. I thank God that I was spared from going any further in these groups than simply learning what they do or what they encourage to be done through text, and nothing more.

I met someone I will call “H” through a mutual friend (in person.) My first impression of H wasn’t a very good one, given that I could tell from our first interaction that H was a Christian. Back then, I could differentiate between Christians and non-Christians by the feeling of the air that would surround them, and if I found them to be Christian, there would be an immediate swelling of hatred towards them. I had a tarot reading done for H and I to see whether it would be worthwhile to humor a friendship with a Christian, and the person who gave the reading claimed that H and I were actually soulmates. I took this seriously and decided that, since H and I were apparently connected in such a way, I had to make an effort towards H’s wellbeing, even if it never led to anything romantic. H attended a small Pentecostal church that would post its service online, and I would occasionally watch some of the sermons in order to mock and laugh at the ridiculousness of it. They would “speak in tongues,” give “words” to people, run around in “the spirit,” and do other things that I found stupid but thoroughly amusing. My interest was especially piqued by the idea of “speaking in tongues” - because, when some of them would “speak in tongues,” I could understand what they were saying. (More on my present thoughts about this later)

H suffered from depression, which I considered a blight to the both of us, given that we were allegedly soulmates. One Sunday, H said they did not want to go to church because of the depression, and so I offered to go with them, knowing that they would leap at the opportunity to drag a heathen to church. On my way to the church, the voices I recognized as my “spirit guides” at the time were leaving me with strong internal impressions such as: “He is going to say that your chains are breaking, ignore him.” And “he is going to single you out, don’t fall for it.” My answer to these impressions was “fine.”

When I entered the Church, I felt an immediate repulsion. People were dancing and singing pop worship songs, and I internally questioned why I had chosen to do this. Sure enough, the pastor did single me out. Most of what he said to me could be attributed to cold reading, but it was entertaining. I was told “Your chains are breaking. You wear your past bad relationship like a scarlet letter on your forehead.” and “You’re going to meet a Godly man and your relationship will be like out of movie. When you do, cling to him.” I’m not sure how to describe some of the sensations I felt during parts of the service. At times, I felt like my skin was crawling, or like my skin was burning, and other times as though my throat were closing and I was being choked. I initially brushed these feelings off and tried to convince myself that it was social anxiety, but that experience lingered with me even after the service. H and I talked a lot after church, mostly about the Bible and different parts in the scripture. I had a lot of questions and H was kind enough to offer loving and well-thought-out answers. I went home and cried, and it was the first time I had properly cried in several years. I wasn’t sure why I cried at first, but the day’s events recurred in my mind’s eye and I recalled how horrible I’d felt while people worshipped around me. At that moment, I genuinely wanted to know the truth - I wanted to know whether God was real. And, if He was real, I wanted to know whether He would help me. So, I prayed. I asked God this: “If you are real, please touch my heart so that I know.” Immediately, I enveloped by this warmth and peace, and something I can only think to describe as perfect love and tranquility. My heart felt this so intensely that it seemed to be overflowing in and through me, and I wept. I only then was able to realize how absolutely miserable and exhausted and anxious and depressed and wrathful I had been for so long. I wept, and I promised to give myself entirely to God. In return, I asked Him to help me to become a servant pleasing to Him - to love Him more, always. The demons I once considered my “spiritual guides” and “deities” showed their true colors after this experience. I would say, for the first year of my conversion, I was tormented a lot in different ways - but especially in my dreams, and by feelings of intense anxiety and despair that would be thrown upon me out of nowhere and that coupled with the sensation that the walls were closing in. The voices and impressions I once recognized as “friends” started to say things like “you can’t be saved, you’ve already given yourself to us.” among other lies. These torments continue today, and in other ways, but they aren’t as constant as they were towards the beginning.

I threw away six years worth of junk I had acquired which left my room essentially empty, but it was a liberating feeling. I started to attend the Pentecostal church, but my time there didn’t last. They hosted a woman who called herself a prophetess who spoke in tongues, but what she would say would be blasphemies. People would shout “amen” and “alleluia” to these utterances, and I began to understand that this group didn’t know how to discern the spirit. The breaking point for me was when the pastor claimed that Jesus had to learn how to perform miracles - that, and, the glaringly obvious inconsistencies between his sermons and scripture. There was an unhealthy focus on titles of ministries and “what God can do for your health and wealth.”

I lasted three months at that church before it clicked in my head that the Catholics were right. This, was also in part due to my rediscovery of the Bible verses that referred to Jesus’ command to eat His flesh and drink His blood, and a dream that followed. So, I went to confession for the first time in probably 8 or more years. It was a frightening experience and I cried during the entire confession like the wimp I am, but the liberation I felt afterwards far outweighed it all. A couple of days after my confession, I attended Mass with my mother. During the Transubstantiation, while the Priest held up The Body and Blood of Our Lord, I smelled a strong incense. I only noticed the smell because I normally disliked Church incense for how strong it is, but this one, while it was strong and impossible to ignore, it was the most beautiful smell I’ve ever encountered. (There was more crying) After Mass, I asked my mom whether she knew what kind of incense they used, and she deadpanned “They didn’t burn incense.”

Now that I have had more time to process the beginnings of my conversion and especially my encounters at the Pentecostal church, I am of the impression that I was able to understand their “tongues” because it was demons speaking through them. I’m aware that there’s a Charismatic Movement of Catholics who also claim to speak “in the tongues” but I am always wary of such claims, and I avoid such practices like the plague.

God is so merciful and so loving, and my entire life is a testament to this. I did nothing but offend Our Lord and hate all things good and Holy, but still, He called out to me and saved me from the miserable state of death I hadn’t realized I was in. All Glory to God.

As St. Germanus of Constantinople said: ”There is no one, O Most Holy Mary, who can know God except through thee; no one who can be saved or redeemed but through thee, O Mother of God; no one who can be delivered from dangers but through thee, O Virgin Mother; no one who obtains mercy but through thee, O Filled-With-All-Grace!”

For this reason, I also attribute these great graces given to me by the intercession of Our Blessed Mother, and I owe her nothing less than my life in return for this favor she has shown me.

I hope my answer has satisfied the question without being too tedious.

God bless you, and keep you.

[wisdombooklets]

Oh wow, I completely forgot that most protestants don't use the Apocrypha! I grew up Catholic so I guess it didn't register as weird to me when I was first reading this section. I screenshotted this a long time ago so I'd have to go back to see what more they say about Maccabees, but I'm realizing now what an interesting inclusion this is.

Obviously many protestants would know about Maccabees or find it "useful", but IBLP's treatment of Maccabees here and elsewhere could potentially serve as a helpful bellwether for IBLP theological foundations (given that they otherwise class themselves as "non-denominational", a term that means nothing and only serves to obscure a church's actual beliefs). Bill Gothard studied at Wheaton College (interdenominational evangelical, founded by Wesleyan Methodists) and Louisiana Baptist University, so I'd be curious what kind of material on Maccabees Gothard would have encountered in those contexts, and whether the IBLP affirms or diverges from those encounters. I'm assuming it'd affirm a general Protestant understanding, but that's just my impression. This whole thing would also require you first to answer a larger question of whether these different Protestant denominations tend to emphasize different arguments against Maccabees and the Apocrypha (and ig prayer for the dead? bc that's in Maccabees I think lol).

This is more just me speculating on a potential vein of research—I'll end up looking into it if I ever end up looking into it. Obviously most of what catches people's attention with the IBLP (for good reason) is the extreme, wacky fundamentalist beliefs, but I admit I'm kind of fascinated with the opinions these fundamentalists might have on the more longstanding/less flashy theological questions.

Beware a major tangent lol. Last year I did a semester-long ethnography on a certain church-planting organization in the SBC—as far as churches go, much less dangerous than the IBLP and not imo deserving of the "fundamentalist" label, but still bearing a few cult allegations that I was interested to examine for myself. You can only get so much info out of a semester-long relationship, but in talking to several leaders in the church (as well as a person very close to the main heads of the church), I found that several of them didn't even really keep themselves abreast of current theological discussions going on in the SBC (notably the debate over women pastors), nor did they seem to believe those discussions had significant bearing on the work they were doing in their organization (despite having many women who, though they were not labeled as such, did the work of pastors—but I'm getting further off topic).

I'm giving the example of women pastors, arguably one of the MORE flashy theological questions, but the example is useful to me because it represented an attitude toward theological debate that was not fast and loose, per se, but which treated it as secondary to whatever on-the-ground work would keep their organization running and growing. This isn't uncommon by any means—if you have an organization of that size, keeping it afloat becomes the most important thing—but admittedly I saw it as them possessing an odd lack of curiosity in what their church actually believes. Don't you wonder why you, as a church, are affiliated with the denomination that you are? Why you use the translation of the Bible that you use? Why you structure yourselves the way you do?

Going back to the IBLP, it just makes me wonder about the intentions behind labeling your church "non-denominational" in the first place. The most common explanation is about avoiding "rigid dogmas" and accepting a wider tent, but when you're a fundamentalist non-denominational church with a charismatic leader, that just doesn't hold water. Therefore the most immediate explanation in my mind is about organizational power and logistics—you want to be able to run your church with minimal oversight, you don't want to have to answer to anyone. The second most immediate explanation is about power over belief—you want to be able to preach according to what you believe (or, less generously, according to what you want your congregation to believe). You want the option to adjust mainline doctrine when you disagree with it. Maybe you want the option to smoothly renege on certain beliefs when they come under fire.

This "power over belief" option is most clearly utilized to extreme fundamentalist ends, but would an organization like the IBLP ever care to utilize the power over belief forged by a non-denominational label to more obscure ends? Like, this is DEFINITELY not the case here, cannot stress that enough, but can you imagine if Bill Gothard was just randomly like "actually we're accepting the Apocrypha into our canon because I say so"? It's non-denominational, you can do anything! Listen to your inner testimony and go reinvent Nestorianism or something! If you as a church are not willing to accept that (or even something as simple as a translation of the Bible that's not the KJV or the ESV), then you've just discovered that you are not, in fact, truly non-denominational. You have found a line you're not willing to cross. In that case, you're probably just recycling the beliefs of some other church while distancing yourselves from them in order to market yourselves or retain control.

[not-a-coral-snake]

So I read Dark Rise back in November, and I immediately wanted to do like an initial thoughts post and then reread the book and post stuff that jumped out on the reread. So I wrote up this post in outline form as that initial messy thoughts review . . . and then I didn’t finish writing up the whole thing until now because job family irl obligations etc. So this is dated. I’ve already done the reread, but it doesn’t feature in this post. And like expect a flurry of Dark Rise content in the next couple weeks lol.

Okay so the thing is, I wasn't originally planning to read Dark Rise. Not for anything in particular to do with the premise, but because I typically don't really enjoy YA novels. But I decided to after reading this twitter thread of Pacat's. First Narnia and later The Lord of the Rings were absolutely central not just to my development as a reader when I was a kid, but also just. my childhood. my internal fantasy life. my sense of being. But I could relate also to Pacat's feeling of isolation from their characters. So I was really interested where Pacat would take a commentary on English pastoral fantasies, particularly one that not only wanted to interrogate their flaws but also explore what makes them so compelling. And going into Dark Rise, my biggest question was whether or not thirteen-year-old me would have liked this book.

The answer is yes. Resoundingly so. Thirteen-year-old me would have gone absolutely feral for this book. (My middle school angsty half-elf-half-something-evil OCs are between me and God, so you'll just have to take my word for it.)

Following is my "review" of the book, which is really more of a list of thoughts I had reading it--things I liked, analysis, theories, stuff I'm curious about going forward or would like to see in fanworks.

First, in my opinion Dark Rise doesn't feel very YA. It feels more like if you took a middle-grade readers book and made the plot and character dynamics of a complexity better suited to teenagers. (Okay, I can't articulate exactly how that's different than YA, especially since Dark Rise does some have some of the elements that I think of as characteristic of YA, like lots of focus on finding out Who You Are and characters getting distracted by romantic subplots at inoportune times so the difference is just. Vibes I guess?) But anyway I would definitely encourage people who don't normally like YA to give this book a try.

Okay some more random thoughts. I loved the sibling dynamics in this book: Katherine and Elizabeth, who are so different and probably each think of the other as the weird sister, who nonetheless are each so protective of each other and capable of acting like a unit. Cyprian, the perfect novice until his brother comes up, at which point he becomes absolutely feral. Violet, who seems to already be trying to navigate growing apart from her brother as a part of growing older when all the good-and-evil, life-and-death stuff started to happen. Who can't just stop putting him at the center of her world once she knows what's going on. And Tom, the wildcard. It seems like Tom is insisting on remaining loyal to Violet, thinking the best of her regardless of the evidence against her, but who knows how much Tom knows of their father's plans?

In the post-canon fanfic-generating version of events in my head, I like to imagine that at some point Will, Violet, Cyprian, James, Elizabeth, Grace and Sarah are traveling around the world having adventures like the Avatar the Last Airbender gang. I just want to see all the kids interacting in an environment that involves both fighting together in high-stakes battles and campfire banter.

I want to see James and Cyprian describing themselves/their relationship as essentially shitty stepbrothers from a fucked up family

So did Anharion really ever actually betray the light? According to Gauthier probably not, and it seems likely given the facts we have, but has James known that since he was twelve and found out about the collar or did he learn that from Gauthier in real time? There's such a tragedy to it, James being known since childhood (or earlier childhood, they're all still kids really) as the most notorious of traitors when he seemingly never willingly betrayed the light until this lifetime. And it's equally interesting and equally sad whether he found that out in Gauthier's farmhouse or whether he's known since he was twelve: did he grow up thinking he might as well join Simon's service, do whatever evil deeds to protect himself since it was nothing compared to what he had done in the past, or did he make a choice as a child to willingly serve the darkness for his own safety in this life knowing that this was actually the first time he was really becoming a betrayer?

The inspiration from LotR really comes across strongly. I love how many times and in how many different ways Pacat can ask “what was it like to be a king with one of the nine rings and feel yourself turning into a Ringwraith.”

I think James is the fourth king. I don't have much to go on but vibes, but like, that scene where Will thinks that James looks more at home in the Hall of Stewards than the Stewards themselves do, and remembers that it was once the Hall of Kings? Yeah. I think he's the fourth king. And it would make sense for the Dark King to have become obsessed with the fourth of the great kings, the one who had refused his devil's bargain, and become determined to possess him anyway.

Okay, one of the most common criticisms I've seen of Dark Rise is that Will is a really bland protagonist. And like, I don't disagree that Will is bland. But I think that that blandness actually works on multiple levels for what Pacat was trying to do in this book. It works as part of the commentary Pacat is doing on the high fantasy genre: Will reads like a standard fantasy protagonist whose only really noticeable traits are that he's Loyal and True and a Good Leader. And it also works with the book's big twist, because I think a lot of the blandness derives from the fact that he's hiding so much of his inner world from the reader. It'll be interesting to see how he feels as a character in the next book, now that he and the reader both know who he is.

Also, not to go against Word of God or anything here, but Will is actually the one who reminds me of Laurent the most lmao? like James has got the cruelty and coldness and the mastery of words as weapons, but it’s Will who is quietly watching, absorbing information and slotting the pieces together. And who keeps his own council and sets into motion his own elaborate plans, involving the people he's semi-trusting but never really explaining his reasoning.

I can’t believe Will has an entire Lion best friend, who's herself going on an angst journey of Can A Lion Be Good, and never says anything about the angsty journey of self identity he's on. *Shakes him vigorously*. Except I can, because Violet a) never had a choice but to know who she was and b) wasn’t told she was actually a warrior of the light. I still think they would be good shieldmates though, and it's really sad and frustrating that Will denies them that opportunity to understand and support each other. Pacat says this is a story about what happens when you’re told from childhood you’re destined to be the villain, but it seems like it’s also about the harm of being told you’re destined to be the hero. I think if the Stewards hadn’t from the beginning been telling Will he was blood of the Lady and here to save them, he might have confided in Violet. The Lion and the Dark King, together choosing a different path.

Violet kills a fucking shadow king!!!! I fucking love her, she's the greatest. 

Violet’s dad must be a lion too, right? Here’s hoping Violet or Tom ends up coming to full power by killing him

What was Will’s mother’s long term plan? Like did she always think she would have to kill Will some day? Because hard as it would be to kill a newborn I think it would be way worse to kill a child you had raised--was she just hoping she'd find the strength to do it someday? Or, (which I think is more likely), did she think that there was a chance that Will didn't have to be evil in this life, and did she hope that if she raised him she could be keeping an eye on him to protect the world while also hopefully guiding him to grow up to not be evil? But like, still knowing she had to be ready to kill him at the first sign of evil, or if it seemed like he would fall into Simon's hands. (Minor point, but Will would've been six or seven when Elizabeth was born--if Elizabeth is Eleanor's daughter how does he not remember his mom was pregnant? Or does he just remember she had a pregnancy and lost the baby and he never mentions that to the reader?)

I don’t think Will was only with the stewards for selfish reasons. When he first goes with Justice, he's hoping to get some much-needed context for what the hell is going on. But then for a while after that it seems like he spends a lot of the story hoping against hope that they could be right that he could be Blood of the Lady.

One review I read complained that Will leaving at the end to fight Simon alone doesn't make sense/is never explained or something. But it totally makes sense to me why he does that: part of it is the same reason Frodo eventually leave the rest of the fellowship--he doesn't want to keep drawing danger down on his friends. Plus he has to go off alone to continue on his revenge quest. Plus honestly he’s been emotionally drawing away from Violet and the others for a while by that point. Plus he already suspects his powers will allow him to survive while the others wouldn't be able to.

Okay Justice telling Violet she’ll be executed hits different after you find out about the Cup. To his thinking, he's not demanding anything of her he's not already committed to doing to himself. But then of course, there's the fact that the Stewards all chose to expose themselves to evil within, and Violet never any choice but to be born to a Lion family. But I'm sure the Stewards don't think of it that way--they seem to think of it as like, you don't kill an evil creature as punishment because they have sinned, but as a sort of quarantine, burning out an infection before it can spread and do harm.

[keanureevesisbae]

But professor... - c.1

Summary: Penny Townsend is going to attend her first criminology class. What she didn’t expect was professor Walter Marshall.

Professor!Walter Marshall x Penny Townsend (Asian ofc)

Wordcount: 3.3k

Warnings: Mentions of murder and blood

A/N: I hope you enjoy this Professor!AU -- can you imagine? Walter Marshall as a professor? 🤤

Masterlist // But professor... masterlist // Next chapter

✎ ✎ ✎

My parents hoped that I would become a doctor. I get it—being friends with a lot of successful parents with equally successful children, must’ve raised their standard for me. They however must’ve known that medicine wasn’t it for me and going to law school isn’t my forte either. It must’ve been hard on them, knowing I wasn’t that intellectually gifted, though they tried their best for me to be.

They did a lot for me. At the ripe age of two to five hours, I was placed at the entrance of a church in Maryland. The pastor and his wife discovered me and brought me to the hospital, only to found out I wasn’t just a couple weeks premature, but also had a lot of heroin in my system.

My birth parents barely gave me a chance the second I was born (probably when I was conceived, but okay) and that is why I am so grateful that my adoptive parents care so much about me.

And that’s why I want to make them proud and studying psychology is my best chance at being the successful daughter they deserve, but man does it feel wrong to be here. I know there is another student out there who deserves to be here, who actually wants to do this, yet here I am taking their place.

Psychology wasn’t the greatest choice already, but having to take criminology was an even bigger mistake. I walk into the lecture hall for the first criminology class. My hands shake because of the nerves, they’re even clammy. I’m not good at making friends, so seeing those cliques that has formed after only two weeks of university, makes me slightly jealous and really alone.

I never really fitted in. My teachers would describe me as a sweet young girl, who is painfully shy.

That, of course, is if they even noticed me at all.

It can be hard to fit in, especially when you feel out of place the second you enter a room, like I have felt since I can remember.

‘Take a seat,’ I hear a deep voice say and I look up, to meet the eyes of the professor. He is unlike all of my other professors. He isn’t in a suit or at least some decent slacks. His denim jeans hugs his thick thighs, as he wears a sweater on top. His curls are disheveled and slightly frizzy and his beard is asymmetrical. A deep frown in between his brows.

‘Me?’ I ask in a soft tone.

He nods. ‘You,’ he confirms.

I walk passed him to choose a seat in the back. I take place and look around me, only to meet the eyes of the professor again. While I wonder what made him choose teaching, since he doesn’t look like someone who was born to teach, I also ponder about the fact he is looking at me again.

Why would he do that?

I grab my laptop and open it, opening a new document. I’ve been going to NYU for two weeks now, yet this is my first criminology class. I run my fingers through my hair, pushing up the glasses on my nose bridge.

‘Okay everyone,’ I hear the professor say, when it’s time for the class to start. ‘There is a sheet going around. Find the spot you’re sitting now and write down your name. If I find out you are messing with me, you have failed your class immediately.’

He is not beating around the bush.

‘I’m detective Walter Marshall. I have worked for the MPD, the Minneapolis Police Department. For this semester there are three subjects we’ll cover. Victimology, crime analysis and the psychology of criminal behavior.’

This is not at all what I want to learn. This is too gore for me. I should’ve stood up to my parents and go to cosmetology school like I originally wanted. It’s better for me anyways.

I’m so stupid.

The paper ends up on my table and I try to find my place on it. I write down ‘Penelope Townsend’ and slide it to the person two tables over. Professor Marshall explains how we have a weekly lecture of two hours and how he is available for questions every Friday, since he’ll be in his office.

‘Does anyone have any questions?’

A guy raises his hand. ‘Why aren’t you working for the MPD anymore, sir?’

Professor Marshall sits on the edge of his desk, crossing his muscular arms in front of his chest. ‘I was put on leave.’

‘Why?’

‘There were some issues,’ he says. ‘Between me and suspects.’

I have no idea what he is implying, but the silence in the classroom is so thick, that I have a clue what types of issues came with said suspects.

‘Really?’ the guy asks.

The professor only raises his eyebrows, which obviously means he isn’t joking. You don’t need to have studied Psychology to figure that out. ‘Any more questions?

‘Do we work in pairs for the assignment?’ a girl asks.

He shakes his head. ‘No, individual works only.’

I let out a sigh of relief. Thank the stars, I don’t want to work with others. Really, I don’t.

‘Okay, if that’s all, let me start right away. What do these women have in common?’ He presses a button on his presenter and the screen behind him changes. Three pictures of women appear on the screen. It’s their driver’s license photo.

‘They’re women,’ a guy says, causing a few to laugh.

Professor Marshall grabs the paper with names and says: ‘Does anyone have something less obvious to comment than mister Fitzgerald?’ He seems not amused at all by the words of Fitzgerald.

‘Brown hair, blue eyes,’ a girl says.

He nods. ‘And?’

‘They’re pretty,’ another girl says.

‘Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,’ he notes. His eyes scan the paper and he looks up. ‘Miss Townsend, do you have something to add?’

Our eyes meet again and I realize that I’m the only miss Townsend in the class. I clear my throat and look at the pictures. Say something smart, Penny. Say something intelligent. Really intelligent.

The obvious things have already been said, so I should stay away from those things.

I swallow hard, press my glasses better on my nose and say: ‘Their left eyelid is slightly droopy.’

I hear some people chuckle a bit, making me feel everything but intelligent.

‘Quiet,’ professor Marshall says and the chuckles die down instantly. ‘Their droopy left eyelid is what made them appealing to the killer.’ He looks up from the other side of class, right at me. His slightly annoyed gaze dissolves for a few moments into a soft one. ‘Miss Townsend made an excellent point here. It took an entire police department to come to that conclusion over the course of two months.’

Oh my goodness, I made an excellent point.

The slides change and I see another picture. This time it’s of a man. It’s a mugshot. I bet he is the killer.

‘Miss Townsend, since you are on a roll,’ the professor continues and I nearly groan. Really? He wants me to answer another questions? ‘What’s do you notice about this man?’

I scan his entire face. He has a crooked nose, blemishes on his forehead and thin lips. He looks like a killer. This would be the type of man I would avoid if I came across him.

‘His left eyelid is also droopy,’ I say.

Is that a tiny smirk on his lips? ‘Correct.’ While professor Marshall continues to explain about how his own appearance is unknowingly influencing his choice of victims, I can’t help but beam a little with pride. ‘Because,’ he continues, ‘if you understand your victims, you can understand your killer.’ The slideshow changes to one word. ‘Welcome to victimology.’

✎ ✎ ✎

Time spend in a lecture hall while professor Marshall teaches flies by. Though he is a bit grumpy and not very welcoming, he is interesting and smart. Much better than my other teachers. I put everything in my backpack, before I get up from my seat. I’m one of the last students to leave the place, mostly because I don’t want to be swarmed by the cliques.

‘Miss Townsend,’ professor Marshall says, causing me to stop misstep as I already passed him.

I turn around. ‘Yes?’ I ask.

He doesn’t look up from his notes. ‘You did well in class today.’

Is this man giving me a compliment? He might be the first one in a teacher like position to ever notice me, let alone give me a compliment. ‘I did?’

‘Yeah,’ he says, now looking up from his notes. ‘Don’t hesitate to say something in class next time. You have great insight.’

‘Or just luck,’ I say.

Professor Marshall shakes his head. ‘No, this isn’t about luck, this is good insight. So, can you promise me to raise your hand next class?’

I bite my lip, before shaking my head. ‘No, I can’t.’

‘Why can’t you?’

‘What I said: this was luck and it probably won’t happen again. I have to go. I reserved a spot at the library. If that is all, sir?’

He doesn’t say anything, simply looks at me. It takes a second, maybe two before he nods. ‘If you have questions,’ he says, ‘you know how to contact me.’

I nod, before I walk out of the hall. I see students gathering in front of the door and I quickly slip through them and make my way to the library. I’ve been going to classes for around two weeks now and I’m still up to date as we speak. I decide to at least make a beginning with the assignments of my criminology class, because the sooner I start, the less work and stress I’ll experience later on, because I most definitely will stress about it.

It’s been quite awhile since I opened a book for school for assignments or preparing for exams. After high school, I decided to take a gap year, which ended in two. I’ve traveled with all sorts of groups to different countries, worked at an international cafe in Japan for awhile. It did help me with my social skills. I was happy, social and totally in my element. Those wonderful skills were all forgotten the second I stepped foot back in the USA again.

It was my parents that pushed for going back to college and once they figured out that medicine or law wasn’t up my alley, they agreed psychology, though it wasn’t my thing either.

It’s okay, sure, but… Gosh, I miss the freedom I had during the gap years. I’m not stupid, but is the academical life for me? I have looked at cosmetology school and boy do I wish I was there at the moment.

And not here.

✎ ✎ ✎

I don’t know how long I have been at the library, but my eyes are tired by the time I close my laptop. Besides working on my assignment, I also texted my parents to tell them everything is going fine and checked out multiple cosmetology schools here in the area.

Originally I’m from Maryland, meaning it’s only a three hour drive to see my parents and for them to check in on me. I considered lying about my major, about attending NYU and just go to cosmetology school, but mom and dad are paying my tuition, which is another loophole in my plan.

I put the laptop in my backpack and walk out of the library. Every second my mind wasn’t occupied with university related things, it went straight back to my first criminology class, more specifically my professor. His words. It’s one thing he said those things to me, but another that he looked so handsome while saying it.

‘There she is,’ I hear from behind me as I walk through the hallways to the exit. I turn around to discover it’s Fitzgerald. I forgot his first name, which is weird since we share a lot of the same classes together. He isn’t easy to miss. Pleasant on the eyes, that’s for sure, but he is loud, thinks he is hilarious and that makes him kinda annoying. ‘Miss Townsend,’ he says in a mocking tone.

Okay, change kinda annoying to absolutely insufferable.

‘Hm?’

Fitzgerald walks next to me and he comes a lot closer than I prefer. ‘You’re already the teacher’s pet,’ he continues. ‘Bet the man has a thing for Asian chicks.’

I have no idea how to respond to that implication. My instinct says to get out of here, but the exit is right ahead of me and from the looks of it, Fitzgerald is going there as well. So there is no escape.

‘But let’s say it’s beginners luck,’ he says, ‘because it was actually the first time I heard you speak.’

‘You mind leaving me alone?’ I ask.

‘Why is that, sugar boo?’

Okay, now I’m gonna vomit. Goosebumps run over my spine and the hairs in my neck are standing straight up. I bet this guy’s dad is rich, therefore the only reason he is here. ‘I don’t want you here.’

‘You don’t want me here?’ He starts to chuckle. ‘Sweetheart, everyone wants me here.’

Not me.

‘Fitzgerald, are you deaf?’

It’s professor Marshall.

His eyes enlarge when he realizes that too. ‘No, sir,’ he quickly says.

‘She said she doesn’t want you here.’ He stands in front of the two of us, looking everything but amused. ‘You know, back when I was working, I encountered a lot of guys like you. Did you know they usually peak in high school, do okay in college, but the second they end up locked up in jail—and I promise you, they most often will—they aren’t so tough anymore. They usually end up as someone’s bitch.’

To hear this entire monologue and the word bitch from a professor, was not at all what I was expecting. Fitzgerald’s face is drained from all its color. While Fitzgerald looks like he shat himself, I am utterly amazed. I wish I was this intimidating, I think to myself.

Fitzgerald clears his throat, eyes darting around the hallway, almost as if he is trying to find the closest exit. He shoots out of this place very quickly, meaning I’m left with only our professor.

‘Thank you, sir,’ I say.

Professor Marshall simply nods. ‘You know, if you lowered your shoulders, you’d appear more confident.’

Why do I feel so offended? ‘Oh…’

‘It’s advice, miss Townsend, not criticism.’

‘Oh,’ I say again, this time in a whisper like tone. He could’ve brought it up a bit nicer though. No need to hurt my feelings like that.

Professor Marshall and I both walk towards the exit and I notice it’s raining. Great, guess who didn’t bring her umbrella and also isn’t wearing a jacket with a hood?

Absolutely fantastic.

‘Here,’ the professor says, holding out his umbrella for me.

Is this truly happening? ‘Oh, sir, that’s not necessary.’

‘I insist.’

With some hesitation I grab the umbrella from him and smile. ‘Thank you, professor.’

He politely nods and walks off, leaving me with the umbrella and a little bit confused. Though he looks so handsome and slightly intimidating, he still is nice to me. The only teacher ever. Maybe Fitzgerald is right and—

No, no, no, don’t think like that. It’s not that every man who is nice to me all of the sudden has this fetish. That can’t be it, right?

Maybe, despite my aversion, I am actually good at the whole criminology thing and isn’t it a one time thing. Luck. Maybe I do have something I am good at.

✎ ✎ ✎

That Friday I am still on campus after I spend my entire afternoon in the library. Since I have a question about the criminology assignment, I decide walk to the office of professor Marshall. To kill two birds with one stone, I brought his umbrella with me so I can give it back. I knock on the door and hear a low: ‘Come in.’

I open the door and am met with the professor, who is sitting behind is desk. ‘Sir, I have a question about the assignment.’

He leans back in his chair and gestures me to come in. I close the door behind me and expect to sit, until I notice there isn’t a chair anywhere for me to sit on. How unwelcome of him, I think to myself. Does that mean I have to remain standing?

‘What’s your question, miss Townsend?’

‘I didn’t know which format I had to use for the entire assignment. It’s not really that big of a deal, but I was here in the building and I thought that I could…’ Nice way of getting off track, Penny. As they said in high school musical: ‘Get’cha your head in the game’ and this is  not the game. ‘Never mind. Which format should I use?’

‘That’s up to you,’ he says.

That’s it? That’s the answer he is gonna give me?

‘Right,’ I mumble.

‘Other questions, miss Townsend?’

Yes. I let out a deep sigh. ‘The assignment is just harder than I thought,’ I admit. ‘I don’t really understand it.’

Professor Marshall stands up and holds out his hand. ‘Sit, I’ll try to explain it.’

‘In your chair?’

He simply nods and I walk around the desk, to take a seat, while he leans against the windowsill. Oh, the leather is warm… What a body heat does this man produce. ‘Okay, the point of the assignment is to use some of the example files of—staged—murders. Based on the file you choose, you choose a format. You write out the victimology, try to narrate who the killer is, writing down all your findings and there are things I’m gonna talk about in next classes.’

I nod. ‘That makes it easier, thank you, sir.’

‘You’re already working on the assignment?’ he asks. Why does he sound genuinely surprised?

I nod again. ‘I am. I find it easier to work a bit every day, than to cram it all in one day.’ I realize how that sounds. ‘That sounds dorky.’

‘It doesn’t really. It’s a whole lot better than what I did back in the days,’ he says. ‘What did you think of the class?’

Is he asking for my opinion? ‘Your class was very interesting. Slightly morbid though, but fascinating.’

‘Morbid?’ the professor asks. ‘There was nothing morbid about my class.’

I scrunch up my nose. ‘It was kinda scary. With the blood patterns and all. The peek into the murderer’s mind?’ I shiver. ‘Don’t know, felt too personal and too much into the killer’s brain.’

‘The class you’re taking is criminology,’ he says, ‘you should’ve known.’

I shrug, not knowing what to say to him. He is right…

‘Miss Townsend—’

‘Penny,’ I say. ‘It’s Penny. Penelope officially, but people barely call me that.’ People barely call out for me ever, but that’s a different topic. Total different topic.

‘Penny,’ he says, ‘could’ve known.’

I don’t know what he is implying, but I realize I am totally overstaying. ‘I’m sorry, I should go. Thanks for helping me out. Oh, I brought you back your umbrella. I don’t need it anyways.’

Professor Marshall nods. ‘Okay.’

‘I should go. It’s getting kinda dark already.’

‘Let me guess, you don’t do well in the dark.’

I smile almost out of guilt. ‘That obvious?’

For a brief moment I spot a smirk on his face. ‘I’m a detective, I spot these things.’

Okay, not gonna lie, but that��s pretty funny. ‘See you next class, professor,’ I say, standing up from his chair and I walk towards the door.

‘See you next class, Penny.’

[yurtletheturtlehenderson]

COSMIC - S1:E5; Chapter Five, The Flea and The Acrobat - [Pt. 2]

A Will Byers x Male!Reader Series

𝘏𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘴 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘢𝘣 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴. 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘺 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘴 𝘔𝘳. 𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘭 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘥𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯.

|| 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫'𝐬 𝐏𝐎𝐕 ||

"Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you."

'I can't believe I'm at Will's funeral.'

"Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." The pastor continued.

I spared a glance at the people around me.

I looked to Jonathan, his head bowed, and poor Joyce who was sitting nearby.

I can't imagine what they must be going through.

Joyce was like a second mother to me, and she has always treated as if I was one of her own. I'll always be grateful for that. I lay a hand on her shoulder.

She looks up to me confused like I had pulled her deep out of her thought, upon seeing it was me she smiles thankfully. She put her hand over mine and gave it a few gentle pats and then a small stroke with her thumb to say thank you.

I smiled solemnly at her and let go, listening to the rest of the service.

"It's times like these that our faith is challenged. How, if he is truly benevolent... could God take us from someone so young, so innocent?"

I looked down at my feet.

"It would be easy to turn away from God... but we must remember that nothing, not even tragedy, can separate us from His love."

I felt a nudge on my shoulder and turned to look at Dustin. He wore a sly smirk as he looked to his right, past me and Mike.

Frowning in confusion, I turned my head to see what he was smirking about.

"Just wait till we tell Will that Jennifer Hayes was crying at his funeral." Dustin said cheekily.

I scoffed under my breath, rolling my eyes.

"Since when has she cared about Will? She couldn't even get his name right, remember that week she called him Bill?" I huffed, crossing my arms in distaste.

The boys smirked at me.

"What?" I asked.

"Somebody jealous?" Lucas smirked.

"No-! Not ev- Shut up!" I scowl.

The boys giggle earning more than a few concerned and offended glances making me smile to myself. Mrs. Wheeler leaned down and shushed the boys making me smirk more.

'Serves them right.'

Soon enough, the casket had been lowered into the growd and roses had been thrown on top. I made my way to the very side of the grave, looking down.

"I know you're not dead. But I swear to God, if you don't come back I'm gonna kill you." I muttered to the casket in the ground.

As people began to filter out, we watched as Mike's mom said her condolences to Will's parents.

"I'm so, so sorry."

"Oh, thank you so much for coming." Will's dad said.

I never liked him.

Joyce was just standing by herself quietly, her arms crossed looking down at the grave.

"Yeah, if there's anything we can do..." Mr. Wheeler offered, shaking the man's hand.

"I appreciate it. Thank you so much."

I said goodbye to Lucas who had to follow his parents out, even though we would be seeing him later at the wake. I did the same with Mike, and soon enough Mom was waiting for us so we could get to the car.

"Mom, will you give me a minute?"

"Of course, Pumpkin," She smiled at me with sympathy.

I turned around wove through the crowd that had separated me from Joyce. I tapped her on the shoulder, seeming to jostle her from her thoughts a second time.

Upon seeing it was me, she smiled.

"Hi, Ms. Byers."

"Oh, hi Y/n. Thank you, for coming, sweetheart," She smiled.

I captured her in a bear hug and she gladly reciprocated, giving my several comforting strokes.

"Of course. I'm so, so sorry for your loss." I said, letting her go.

"Oh, thank you, honey. T-Tell me, how have you been holding up?" She asked gently.

My eyes welled up.

"I'm not gonna lie, it's- it's been really hard. I just, I just miss him so much. Your son was such a good person. Always a gentleman." I knew what I was saying.

Even if he is alive for sure, everything I said was true. He always has been nothing but kind to me.

Not to mention, I owe him for so much.

She seemed extremely thankful for hearing that and I was glad I could make her genuinely smile on this sad day.

"Really? Oh sweetie, thank you. That means, just so much to me."

I look back to my mom and brother waiting for me by the car, and I return my gaze back to Ms. Byers.

"Um, I better go. My mom is waiting for me. I guess I'll be seeing you at the wake. Goodbye, Ms. Byers."

"Thank you again, Y/n. I'll see you later, okay?" Her face slightly fell and she smiled at me.

I nod and begin walking backward sending a small wave her way before turning around a breaking out into a small jog to catch up to my mom.

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

Being at the funeral of your best friend is daunting and quite surreal.

Being at the funeral of your best friend who is quite possibly alive in another dimension and you and only four other people know this is a completely different ballpark.

We had all met up at the wake and regrouped.

The plan was to ask Mr. Clarke if there was anything he could tell us about the theories regarding alternate dimensions. I'm just praying that we don't arouse suspicion given the setting.

"Mr. Clarke?" The tall man turned his attention away from the buffet to look at us.

Mr. Clarke smiled sympathetically. "Oh, hey, there."

The somber look came easily to my face as I looked to Mr. Clarke, Mike, and Lucas on either side of me while Dustin was digging into the buffet.

"How are you kids holding up?"

Lucas speaks up for us, slightly distracted by Dustin's blatant chewing. "We're... in... mourning."

"Man, these aren't real Nilla Wafers," Dustin sighed, shaking his head.

My eyes widen softly, and I look to Mr. Clarke trying to cover for him.

"You'll have to excuse my brother, Mr. Clarke, he's-" I stop midsentence to see him happily munching on more snacks, and look back to Mr. Clarke. "well, he mourns in his own... special way."

"We were wondering if you had time to talk?" Mike asked, wanting to move things along as quickly as possible.

"We have some questions," Lucas added.

I shook my head in agreement. "A lot of questions, actually,"

Mr. Clarke complied and the four of us found ourselves at the nearest table, asking our teacher about other dimensions at our "dead" friends' wake. Not something I ever could have imagined doing.

"So, you know how in Cosmos, Carl Segan talks about other dimensions? Like, beyond our world?"

"Yeah, sure. Theoretically." Mr. Clarke replies, noticeably confused at the subject of our questions.

"Right, theoretically,"

"So, theoretically, how do we travel there?" Lucas asked.

"You guys have been thinking about Hugh Everett's Many-World's Interpretation, haven't you?" A ghost of a smile on our teacher's face.

"Yeah," I chuckled, nodding my head in response.

The boys looked at me, wondering why I had said that.

I gave them a look that said, 'I don't know, just go with it.'

"Well, basically, there are parallel universes. Just like our world, but just infinite variations of it. Which means there's a world out there where none of this tragic stuff ever happened," I found myself nodding along, not for the sake of being believable, but actually lost in the idea.

"Yeah, that's not what we're talking about," Lucas sighed, leaning back.

"Oh."

"We were thinking of more of an evil dimension, like the Vale of Shadows. You know the Vale of Shadows?" Dustin asked, taking another loud bite of his off brand Nilla Wafers.

Not thinking that our science teacher would know anything about Dungeons and Dragons, I was completely taken aback by his next words.

"An echo of the Material Plane, where necrotic and shadow magic–"

"Yeah, exactly." Mike said cutting him off.

I shift uncomfortably in my seat.

"If that did exist - a place like the Vale of Shadows - how would we travel there?"

"Theoretically, of course." I add.

"Well..."

Mr. Clarke grabbed an empty paper plate and pulled out a pen from his jacket pocket. He then drew a straight line across the paper plate as he spoke, creating a visual for us.

"Picture... an acrobat..." He drew a small stick figure on top of the lines. "standing on a tightrope. Now, the tightrope is our dimension. And our dimension has rules."

He began drawing arrows on either side of the acrobat.

"You can move forwards, or backwards. But, what if..." He drew a very small creature under one of the arrows. "right next to our acrobat, there is a flea? Now, the flea can also travel back and forth, just like the acrobat. Right?"

"Right." We all agreed.

"Here's where things get really interesting. The flea can also travel this way... along the side of the rope." He drew arrows indicating the flea's direction around and under the rope, causing me to furrow my brows. "He can even go underneath the rope."

The boys and I all shared the same look before returning our gaze to Mr. Clarke. "Upside Down."

"Exactly."

Mike spoke up. "But we're not the flea, we're the acrobat."

"In this metaphor, yes, we're the acrobat."

"So we can't go upside down?" Lucas asked warily.

"No."

"Well, is there any way for the acrobat to get to the Upside Down?"

"Well," Our teacher furrowed his brows, a thoughtful look coming upon his face. "you'd have to create a massive amount of energy. More than humans are currently capable of creating, mind you, to open up some kind of tear in time and space, and then..."

He folded the paper plate in half, creasing it shut before shoving his pen directly through both sides of the paper plate. "you create a doorway."

"Like a gate?" My brother asked eagerly.

"Sure. Like a gate. But again, this is all–"

"Theoretical." I smile, nodding my head.

"But... but what if this gate already existed?" Mike asked, timidly.

"Well, if it did, I... I think we'd know. It would disrupt gravity, the magnetic field, our environment. Heck, it might even swallow us up whole."

Mike seems to gauge our reactions, and I'm the only one who met his eye with an equally uncertain gaze.

"Science is neat." Mr. Clarke continued. "But I'm afraid it's not very forgiving."

We all lean back, digesting the information.

[coal15]

On the one hand, the initial target audience for 911 was people in the 'middle aged' range. But on the other hand, even if they didn't intend it to be the case, the show has drawn a huuuuuuuuuuge audience of people under the age of 30. Which, if I'm running a show, puts me in a bit of a quandary as to what audience I'm writing for and what they do/don't wanna see. Like, what's gonna keep me on the air for another season?

So. Online fandoms. There's no written rule stating that only fans under the age of thirty are allowed on ig/twt/tumblr, and only fans over the age of 45 are allowed on fb. It's also not true that all viewers over the age of 45 will be homophobic conservatives and those under thirty will all be liberal queer allies. (sidebar, the most vocal straight advocate for queer rights I've ever met is a church-going 82 year old. She even took the time to educate her pastor in the 90s and he's been marching for our rights alongside her ever since, okay back to the subject)

Still, if we're looking at the overall picture ig/twt/tumblr skews younger and more liberal, while fb skews older and more conservative. Which puts 911 in kind of a weird spot. At the end of the day ALL network execs are concerned first and foremost with ratings and profit. Whatever audience they need to cater to, they'll do it. Conservative homophobic fans online could howl to the moon all they want about something they don't like--but if a larger percentage of the audience is queer-ally liberals, their degree of influence will be minimal at best. The same holds true for us tho. If 90% of actual viewers are more conservative and homophobic, then whether we like it or not the show will be written with them and their preferences in mind.

Which brings us to the question: who has majority influence w/in the 911 fandom? If we only look at ig/twt/tumblr the answer would be obvious: it's us and buddie is happening in the next three seconds. So fb would be the polar opposite by default, right? They'd aaaaaalllllll be in love with bt/Taylor, bt forever yaaaaaay!

Well, for the last few years I've checked in on fb now and then to check the temperature outside our Fandom Bubble. And at first I saw quite a few "THEY'RE NOT GAY, YOU'RE WEIRD/GROSS/SEEING THINGS!" replies to every (very rare) pro-buddie post. But funnily enough, I'm seeing far fewer of those. Not that the opinion doesn't still exist, just that there seems to be a less viscerally hostile reaction to the suggestion. And while pro-buddie comments are still rare, they're less rare than they were 2 years ago, and they tend to have more likes than before, and fewer hostile replies too.

Now let's step outside of buddie on fb and jump over to bt/bucktaylor on fb. The comments/replies under a clip of the "Taylor and Buck at the bus stop" scene were . . . interesting. A only a tiny handful of outright pro-buddie posts, sure--but I saw a whole lot of disinterest in bt. Things like "they're weird/boring/mismatched," and the response to Taylor is also more negative than positive. Don't get me wrong, there are A LOT more bt/Taylor fans on fb than anywhere else online, but still fewer than I was expecting. I was expecting to see almost nothing but Standing Ovations for that scene and them as a couple. A waterfall of comments like "My fave couple!" "Most romantic scene ever!" "Buck has found loooooove!" blahblahblah. But even though fb audience shows more support for bt than anywhere else online, um . . . that is a super low bar to clear. My point is that even on fb, the most conservative side of the fandom, even there, it looks like HUGE bt shippers are outnumbered by viewers whose response is somewhere between "meh" and "I don't like them together!" As well as more anti-Taylor posts than I was expecting.

Does this mean the fb would suddenly transform into an ocean of buddie shippers if we got 100% maintext Eddie Pining in 5x10 or early in 5b? Hell no. But based on what I've seen, if the writers spelled out over the course of several episodes Eddie's internalized homophobia and coming out arc, while also revealing Buck's bisexuality in maintext before buddie is even addressed . . .

I'm pretty sure most of even the fb fandom would either get on board and go with it, or at least not dislike it enough to stop watching--and like I said at the end of the day all a network exec cares about is whether or not people keep watching the show. I would still expect to see far more "I quit! I'm done! Why are there so many GAYS?!?" type responses on fb than anywhere else, but I don't think that such hostility would be in the majority. Whereas a few years ago, I think on fb it would've been the majority by a lot.

Which leaves Tim and Fox with the question of whether the online forum(s) most representative of their average viewer is fb? Or . . . literally anywhere else on the internet. When the show started the answer absolutely would've been fb regardless of what noise was happening elsewhere. The show was created to cater to an older audience, so they were the ones watching. The ones to please. But now . . . ? Fox/Tim have to wonder if ig/twt/tumblr (and even a small percentage of fb) and our preferences now represent significantly more of actual viewers than we did in the beginning.

I'm pretty sure there's enough of us now that the network can't afford to piss us off--or at the very least they can't keep bt/Taylor till the end 'cause if even the reception on fb is lukewarm? Wow, that's a bad sign. So they'll either start building toward buddie in 5b, or . . . we'll just get crumbs and hints enough to keep us watching so they can play to both demographics and not lose viewers.

So unless 5x10 makes it blatantly obvious that they do intend for Buck to actually be in love and make bt endgame, I'll tune in for the first few eps of 5b--but if I don't see meaningful progress toward Eddie coming out or going maintext with Buck's bisexuality? I'm not gonna latch onto crumbs that only exist to string us along till the end.

Cautiously optimistic. That's where I am. And how things unfold will be an interesting study in who most represents majority viewership. us or fb.

[warm-starlight]

Hello! I am not in the Levihan fandom, so I don't really know where to go, but I really wanted to ask a few questions about the ship and how the shippers view it. Sorry if I'm in the wrong place or if this bothers you at all.

One, how do you guys view the forest scene, really? Do you view it as a love confession? Or do you think they already knew of each other's feelings? And do you think Hange really would've run away with Levi, or was it just a selfish desire or statement thrown out out of desperation?

Two, do shippers actually believe that the plane in the ending was meant to symbolize/represent Hange similarly to how the bird represented Eren? (I was never sure if this was serious or joking.)

Three, what do you think of Levi's motivation after Return to Shiganshina? (I know this isn't directly related to Levihan, but I know different shippers will have different answers on this!) Do you think he was driven by the vow? Or was he driven purely by his comrades and hope for a better future? Or was he driven by both? What about his vow to kill Zeke? Do you feel that was purely for humanity's goal, or do you think it was personal? Or a combination of both?

Four, what do you think of Levi's other relationships and friendships? Such as his relationships with Erwin, the other veterans, Petra and his squad, etc. (Like, I'm not a Levihan shipper but I absolutely adore what they had!)

And five, what was the moment that made you realize Levi and Hange had something special?

(Sorry for the long ask! I'm just very curious!)

Hello! I am glad you are interested in the best ship in SnK-LeviHan. 😄

Your ask is long and consists on different questions so i will try to break it down and answer each one separately. Mind you this is my personal perspective and observation, but i assure you there are as many opinions as there are shippers, so make sure to read around Levihan tag to get a better picture.

Let's begin!

I personally believe it was Hange's love confession. I believe they had a deep bond that transcended platonic friendship, considering the scene WIT added to introduce them and their bond in which Levi is borderline teasing/flirting, but they never really thought much of it, or maybe they were afraid to think about it, considering they lose people they love all the time due to their line of work. On the other hand, Hange seemed to always believe in Levi's strength. I believe they never really considered something bad could happen to him of all people, that's why their reaction to finding Levi in that vulnerable state was of pure shock. I think right then they experienced a realization, that they could Lose Levi. I believe on top of other things this is what drove them to say "Maybe we should just live here together" because the threat of being persecuted by Yegerists was on their backs.

I don't think it was desperation as much as just Hange stating how they truly feel and allowing themselves a moment of weakness, considering they tell Jean "I wanted to run away... I wanted to throw it all away"...I believe they did consider running away with Levi, that said a sense of duty was stronger, that's why Hange simultaneously started working on a way to go back into battle.

Yes, it's a serious parallel. Only Hange and to some extent Levi and Onyankopon were connected to the plane and aircraft troughout the latter part of the series. Hange was the one who gave their life to secure the plane so they could reach Eren. Levi looking at it and Onyankopon giving him a look is an obvious hint that he is thinking back to that day. It was also Eren's and Hange's death anniversary. They died on the same day. In the draft Yams also added "They want to know what we saw... The pain we felt"... Next to Levi's panel which is another huge hint.

The vow is for his comrades. They are not mutually exclusive. Levi's main objective has always been about giving meaning to the ones who gave their lives for humanity's future. I think for him it was a relief when he found out Zeke is still the enemy, because that meant killing him will not be meaningless and that he was right... Later on Hange theorized that killing Zeke will stop the rumbling and so he strove to do that, but in chapter 136 his inner monologue showed how he is no longer sure what they did it all for. Maybe killing Zeke wasn't the answer? That is when he was able to let go of his fixation on Zeke and only when he appeared and made it obvious he wants Levi to kill him, he did so with an anguished expression, however he never stopped there. He continued to push forward until they killed Eren and got rid of the titans and really gave meaning to his comrades lives.

I think Levi had an immense respect and admiration for Erwin. Like Isayama said, Erwin's goal seemed unbelievably altruistic and something Levi never considered himself, so he made it his personal live's mission and in a way he wanted to push Erwin to meet his expectations. Their dynamics is interesting for me, but for Erwin, i don't think Levi was more special than Hange or Mike. As the smartpass story described, Erwin was happy to have those bonds, but he was ready to throw them away should the need arose. This is why i can't ever view them romanticaly. Erwin was married to his dream so to speak. Petra and his old squad... I think they were precious subordinates for him, but i don't think they were Friends in the realest sense of the word. Isayama said in his interview that Levi was not able to freely be himself around them and that he only found that kind of trust with the 104th.That said i think Levi gets attached to all his squad membera and loves and values every single person working under him. He takes it extremely hard when he loses them as was made obvious with his first squad, Hange squad and the ones he worked with when guarding Zeke. I do think that only Erwin and Hange *truly* were his friends.

It was all the little things from the hair grab scene in the anime to them interacting with each other in a familiar way troughout the manga, refering to each other only by name which is done only by very close people, understanding each other without words, Levi sensing when they're around and knowing them by their knock, them guarding each other's back, roasting each other and getting away with it, worrying about each other.. Hange seemed to hang around Levi even when they weren't on missions like when they came to the castle early to meet Eren or when they were sitting in the room when Levi talked about his plan to cut Eren out without killing him, Levi helped Hange exact Revenge on Sanes for killing Pastor Nick even though he didn't need to, just to make them feel better... They just seem like they feel good and comfortable together and i think it's wonderful. All the extra material too, the smartpass stories, spinoffs and intervies also imply they have a special relationship.

I hope this answered your questions.

Thank you for the ask!