#my thought process in a nutshell HAHA

[srslylini]

being in the Arcane critical space means that it was a whiplash of sensations when I opened Twitter to normal and very typical fandom drama stuff surrounding Arcane

"Oh they are fighting and having drama, weird... strange" and then having to be like "no actually that isn't weird, it's fandom and I've just spent all my time specifically not engaging and being critical instead of doing fandom stuff"

just think it's kinda funny to be confronted with day to day fan shit after everything LMAO

[cosmicdream222]

https://www.tumblr.com/cosmicdream222/754632926605541376/have-you-manifest-shift-or-anything-with-psych-k?source=share

How did you manifest with EFT tapping?

This is gonna be long haha but I’ll summarize how it works on a general level first combining science and loa, cuz EFT is actually scientifically proven to help with a lot of things like mental health and rewiring the brain after trauma.

The sciencey part: basically when we experience adverse experiences, traumas, stresses, or any kind of intense emotion, we often don���t process or release them, and they hang out stuck in our nervous systems. Then when we encounter regular stressors, our nervous systems are triggered by those trapped emotions, and reactivate the old experiences. That often triggers us into feeling more anxious or stressed than we need to be, and we end up in a continuous state of fight or flight.

The loa part: we are unlimited beings and can manifest anything we want! However, our subconscious takes direction from our conscious mind, or the human ego, or the part that is reacting to all these emotions and triggers trapped in our nervous systems. The ego is not our enemy and just wants to keep us safe, but unfortunately it is just reacting to outdated information and keeping us in limited patterns. If we keep reacting to the old experiences, we will keep repeating the same old patterns of anxiety, fear, and limiting ourselves.

In a nutshell: Tapping clears out the emotional residue in our nervous systems so the conscious mind can stop reacting to all the triggers that are keeping us stuck in old patterns. When you release the old patterns, then you can accept your new affirmations and beliefs more easily.

So personally, I had found out about tapping around 2017 maybe, and basically just used it the textbook way to deal with day to day stresses. It wasn’t until around the end of 2022 when I joined Gala Darling’s tapping class that I found out you could do intense tapping sessions and change things that seemed “unrealistic”. I didn’t know about the law/shifting at that point, but Gala shared some of her personal experiences where she used intense tapping sessions to get rid of allergies, phobias, even an ED she had struggled with for years. She said how she would go in the bathroom, look in the mirror and just tap everywhere while venting and don’t stop until you feel a significant release. She said she ended up getting violently ill, but her ED was cured forever after that.

So at that time I was super stressed and anxious about a guy situation. We had been friends for a while and I felt like there was “more” but I didn’t know how he felt. I wanted to talk with him about it, but I had built it up a narrative in my head for months and was afraid to talk about my feelings. In the past, it was really hard for me to acknowledge and express my feelings in general.

So I decided to do an intense tapping session like Gala recommended. I now call it a “tapping induced meltdown” 😂 I ended up tapping for at least a half hour, hysterical crying at an epic meltdown level. But after that, I felt so much peace around the situation. I honestly had a lifetime of anxious-avoidant attachment that was keeping me repeating unhealthy relationship patterns, and I feel like a significant part of that was cleared out in that moment.

Within two days, he ended up initiating a conversation about our feelings and we were able to discuss everything in the open for the first time. And since then I have been able to express myself so much easier, and really haven’t had any anxiety over guys or relationships anymore.

Typically now I just use it throughout the day with a mental diet - when I find myself thinking things I don’t want or repeating negative stories, I immediately flip the thought, and start tapping on one point while affirming the positive. Even just a few seconds of tapping helps neutralize the BS faster than just affirming alone for me.

[dreamsinfiction]

2024 in a nutshell

If I was honest with myself, I would say I've been putting off doing this recap because wow last year was tough. Work has always been tough and that's fine, I can handle work stress (even at the expense of having a burnout oops) but family stress is a whole 'nother league of its own 🥲

But a recap's a recap and I know I will want to read back years later on how life went during this period. So let's go; as per usual it's the negatives first hurhur:

The Bad:

Grief - Talk about the elephant in the room. But yes, my 2024 was marked by grief with Cik Ayid's passing. His condition deteriorated so quickly within 2 weeks and it's still a shock to me when my mind inevitably thinks back to October, realising that health can be taken away so easily. Cancer is such a scary thing.

I think his passing impacted me more than I thought it would because I've been blessed to not have many people I know who passed on early while I was growing up (the last one that was close to me was probably my late grandad but I was very young then in primary school and didn't really process it well). I also had to be strong for my mom and my aunts because obviously they were distraught when he passed so I was the one who compartmentalised my feelings and was liasing with the doc and nurses for the death cert, calling the funeral company, settling the logistics, calling relatives to come help in the morning to move him to the cemetery mosque before the burial etc. It was slightly traumatic to say the least, but I think silver lining is that now I know what to do if the next death happens (trying not to think of this too much).

Another silver lining is the friends that I have who supported me through my grief. Special mention to F who sadly also had her year tainted with multiple deaths and who knew exactly how to console me and offer small words of comfort. And of course, I'm so thankful for my faith and knowing who/what to turn to when times were so, so difficult ❤️‍🩹

The Uncomfy (but in the long run will be good for me):

2024 was really the year I went all out to do things that I'm not confident in. I'll try to categorise and list them but I'm sure I'm missing some haha:

Work:

Thrown a lot of random things at work - mostly to set up structures and comms pillars in place (idk how the division functioned without one all these while). Things are better now because there are procedures to follow so I feel more self-assured haha.

Presented a whole bunch of stuff from senior management to divisional meetings. Happy to say that I get less anxious now when speaking up in these settings! Maybe because I'm amongst familiar faces, at least within the division.

Signed up to be the secy for div meetings and managing VFest. If you ask the fresh-grad-and-starting-service me if I would volunteer for all these things, it would have been the farthest thing from my mind hahaha.

Psudo-promotion by having someone reporting to me - This...has not been going well hahaha. I've been assigned with a tough-to-work-with officer and not because of her disability. More on this in Jan recap bc that was when I blew my top (internally) and taking a different approach with how I treat her (externally).

Social:

Joined a badminton club - an effort to be more healthy but I actually made a few friends!

Joined a gym and got a PT - biggest health takeaway of the yearrrr. Again, secondary school me would be shaking to hear I'm paying good money to go to a gym regularly and have someone train me hahaha. But I'm actually enjoying this quite a bit! Progress updates in Jan/Feb recap.

Joined many bookish events - from book clubs to author sharings, I loved them all. Also made many new friends through bookstagram! I want to work on this a bit more in 2025, will share more in another update.

Life:

Had my first CC! - truly adulting moment. I was brought up in an environment where money was very tight and with a frugal mindset (ie. don't spend money you don't have) so I've been resisting getting one for the longest time. But after researching about it more, sadly we live in a world of credit scores and probably needing a loan when I eventually buy a house so a CC is needed. Discipline is definitely needed to control my spendings though - it's a monthly battle to keep them in check 😂

Coloured my hair for the first time! - Always wanted to try it, very happy I got round to it. Idk if I will fulfil my childhood dream of getting red hair, but the brown I have now resonates with me heh.

Travels - Blessed to go on 4 trips this year (cruise to Thailand, BKK with U, Korea with J, S & R, and my Korean immersion trip). All were very memorable in their own ways haha. But it's time to save up a bit since I overspent quite a bit on this in 2024.

Concerts/shows - I think I went for a concert almost every other month hahaha (Jan - Coldplay, Apr - IU, May - Hamilton, June - BWS, July - Hady Mirza, Aug - BKK Summer Sonic Fest, Sept - Geng Rebut Cabinet, F1). 2024 was when things were truly post-COVID hence my excitement to go for every show. No regrets because the memories made were worth it but will definitely need to keep this in check for 2025.

Went on a dating app, put my efforts into it, went on a few dates (some of which were horrible) but realising it's not for me. And that's okay. I think as an INF/TJ, I need to be friends with someone first before even entertaining the thought of something more with them. And dating platforms are....not it. I don't like the superficiality of it, how some people on there are pretty rude with honestly shocking mindsets and the ghosting culture. I think I prefer going to physical events where you get to talk to someone and find out a bit more about them in-person than chatting behind a screen. So to more bookish events it is since that's my natural interest haha.

Segue nicely into...asking a guy out for the first time! Honestly who am I hahaha. And I felt less nervous doing it too because I knew what I wanted and there's no loss even if I eventually got rejected because then I'll have a clean break and won't be thinking of the what ifs months, years down the road. I love having a fully developed frontal lobe HAHA.

Volunteered at the Food Bank - I loved this! Even though it was just to pack stuff to send to homes/organisations, it was still fun and pretty hard work. Going to look for more opportunities in the future :)

And...that's my 2024. Marked by sadness, burn outs but I think I'm much more stronger (physically and mentally) because of them. I'm more certain of myself and the people I want to be around with too. Thank the Lord for my many, many blessings still ❤️

[classicanalyzer]

20 Questions for 20 Writers (where did the other 10 questions go?)

Thanks for tagging me @marvel-starwarsfangirl :D.

1. Is writing a hobby or way of life?

I would love to make writing a way of life for me but it's mostly a hobby. However, my mind always thinks of writing, so it's a way of life in my head. Ideally, it would always be a way of life for me haha.

2. A journal full of writing notes or a clean, completed manuscript?

I attempt and want to keep journals of my ideas. Often my notes are what I type to others since I love to discuss them. In a nutshell, I gotta compile those conversations into actual notes lmao.

3. Who (or what) is your writing inspiration?

Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Kingdom Hearts were my main inspirations when I was in 3rd grade. It all started when I roleplayed stories outside and it was a long process of my desire to write.

4.Which is worse: someone you "idolize" reading your first draft or listening to you sing?

Both! I feel terrified of someone I idolize reading my first draft because I don't have a lot of confidence in my own writing...it's why I struggle with writing at all despite all the writing in my head. I'm also super insecure about my singing abilities.

5. Has writing from someone else's POV ever changed your own perspective?

Not really but it does really help me understand why a character feels and does what they do.

6. Tumblr, AO3, LiveJournal, or FFN?

When I post a fanfic, I would definitely post it on AO3. Really hoping to write a Phineas and Ferb one I had in my mind for quite a while haha.

7. AO3 wordcount, and are you satisfied with it?

I would be satisfied with actually writing the fanfic! Once I do no matter the wordcount, I'll be so satisfied.

8. What movie/book/fic gripped you irrevocably?

Note: These are some of them.

Movies: Star Wars (All movies...okay maybe except for the romance scenes in AotC lol), Lord of the Rings, Puss in Boots: The Last Wish, Spider-Verse movies, Nimona.

Shows: Phineas and Ferb, Gravity Falls, Amphibia, The Owl House, Digimon Adventures and Tamers, Regular Show, Hilda, Star Wars (Andor, Rebels, and Bad Batch), Ninjago, Community, Lupin (Parts IV-V), BoJack Horseman, Green Eggs and Ham, Lackadaisy.

Books: Light of the Jedi by Charles Soule and Rising Storm by Caven Scott, Animal Farm and 1984 by George Orwell (They were a major part of my literary journey into writing).

Fics: Timeslip by @nekodatta, MoonShadow by @a-e-redacted, Pokedex by Birdboy, Pokemon Conquest: The Legend of Ransei by Imperator Justinian, Long Distance by DoubleRainbowPudding.

(Bonus) Video Games (Just some of them lol): Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy (Especially VII, IX, and XVI), Pokemon, TWEWY, Fallout (Sadly I have never played the games yet but the story and lore of the series is amazing), Ni No Kuni, Digimon Cyber Sleuth and Hacker's Memory, Eastward, Sable.

9. What's the highest compliment you could ever be given, and have you been given it?

If they like my story, I know it's small but every positive comment helps me write more.

10. What defines your writing style?

I would like to go for either a single-POV or multiple-character POV writing style. I might use the third person for the latter but also some signals to indicate their inner thoughts almost as if they're reacting to the written events. I think of The Catcher in the Rye as an inspiration for aspects of the writing style I want to further develop.

I love to tap into the emotions, desires, and insecurities everyone has from villains to heroes. It is what helps me write these characters and get myself invested. I also really love weaving the in-universe past with the in-universe present of the story. It gives a story a sense of a tragedy or a heartwarming continuation when those direct or symbolic parallels are made.

Tagging: @hshfsjzjsgj, @legendarycollectorcomputer

20 Questions for 20 Writers (where did the other 10 questions go?)

Tagged by: @evilwriter37

1. Is writing a hobby or way of life?

I think it started as a hobby for me, but at this point, thanks to The Bad Batch getting me back into writing, it is a way of life.

2. A journal full of writing notes or a clean, completed manuscript?

Gonna go with the notes. The amount of notes I have to take now because of my TBI. Wow.

3. Who (or what) is your writing inspiration?

Well, I'd definitely say The Bad Batch, and I think my friend Marshall, honestly. Talking with him about writing and writing techniques and all that gets me really excited.

4.Which is worse: someone you "idolize" reading your first draft or listening to you sing?

Definitely the first draft one. Thanks to the TBI my first drafts miss so many things, and I constantly have to go back and add details I had completely forgotten existed. I used to sing all the time, and had an excellent singing voice before COVID, so maybe even now with a bad singing voice I wouldn't mind too much. I'm used to performances.

5. Has writing from someone else's POV ever changed your own perspective?

No.

6. Tumblr, AO3, LiveJournal, or FFN?

AO3! Though I love posting my Summer of Bad Batch fics here. The reception I get is amazing.

7. AO3 wordcount, and are you satisfied with it?

1,907,782. And hell no. I want to hit 2 million!

8. What movie/book/fic gripped you irrevocably?

Movies and shows: Doctor Who, Supernatural, The Lord of the Rings, The Bad Batch

Books: Throne of Glass, Mistborn

Fics: (Okay, I love your answer for this, @evilwriter37, thank you!) As for fics I'd say Series Failsafe- Post Plan 99 from @clownery-and-fuckery. He really got me back into reading fanfic. And also System Upgrade from @just-here-with-my-thoughts. (Sorry I haven't had time to finish reading it yet!) Also probably 30 Days (on the road to healing) by @marvel-starwarsfangirl because Crosshair journaling is so intriguing!

9. What's the highest compliment you could ever be given, and have you been given it?

Probably that I write as well as canon or better than canon, and everyone's in character. And yes, I have been told that multiple times.

10. What defines your writing style?

You know, I'm not sure. @evilwriter37, any guesses here?

Tagging: @clownery-and-fuckery, @squad-724, @just-here-with-my-thoughts, and @marvel-starwarsfangirl (Sorry if I'm missing anyone? My memory's bad today.)

[ataleofcrowns]

Hi, love your game!!! 🧡 What was the process of designing the ROs like for you? Did you have any particular inspirations that you drew from for appearance, personality etc? Did any one character come to you first, or more easily than the others?

The designs and personalities of the love interests actually came last in the process of planning this IF, which I apparently started 2 years before publishing it if the dates on my old files are to be believed haha.

Before anything else I designed and planned Arsur and its world first. Its geography, history, politics, magic system, cultures, societies, etc. Only after the setting was solidified did I start designing the love interests, specifically to suit the setting of my story.

That lead me to creating their backstories first, fitting in with Arsur's history and some of its most important events. For X, for example, I began with their childhood, what they were like as a kid before their village was burned down, how that changed them and how it eventually lead to them becoming a mercenary. Following that I planned out their romance route and character arc over the course of the story.

Doing that helped give shape to their overall personality as well, the details of which I filled in once I started writing them in the story. After that, the only thing left was their appearance, which I basically just filled in based on my personal tastes or what I thought would look pretty lol.

That was my process in a nutshell for all the LIs! I think the order in which I designed them was X, A, D and finally R. I didn't have any particular difficulty designing any of them; character creation and development are my strong suits so it came pretty naturally!

[castiel-left-his-mark-on-me]

Hi, Ary, very inactive ex-mutual(i think???) here. Good to see you thriving! ♥ It's been a while since I've dipped my head into cockles stuff. Could I perchance maybe ask uuuuum tf is going on??? lol I see Mish apparently confirmed he used to stay over at Jensen's in Van, and heard newbs were apparently freaking out about it and getting a bit messy, which I get that, business as usual. But I'm also seeing shit about spin-offs? And Jared getting in a twitter fight with Jensen, causing/resulting in stans to going feral and sending hate?? I know you're not as big a fan of Jar, but that's part of why I figured I'd ask you, you usually have a really level head about this kinda stuff. If you don't wanna answer publically, or at all, that's totally chill!

Hey, Rhi! We're still mutuals! Of course we're still mutuals! When I saw the notification of your ask, I was like "Hey! I haven't seen you in a while!" and my husband was like "???" and I said "Tumblr" and he said "Oh."

It was a wild time haha.

In any case, welcome back to the dumpster fire! We are obviously still a mess. So to catch you up, I guess I will start by summarizing both before and after the finale (not sure where you left off so this might be redundant for you) ... basically, it became obvious as the end of the show neared that Jensen was not on board with the plan for the finale; although Jared never stopped singing its praises.

We got confirmation of this during a zoom interview where Jensen said that he actually went into the writers room as well as called Kripke to basically voice how he didn't agree with the direction the final season was going, but he was shot down on all fronts. In another interview, he was asked "What would you tell your younger self going into this career?" And Jensen responded with: "I would tell myself to just keep your head down and do the work" meaning, "Don't try to change things because you can't." I also think that this whole situation is what he wrote "Let Me Be" about for his first Radio Company album, but that is just my own speculation. All of his reluctance, even though he always followed it up with "But I eventually saw the value in the script" or "I came around in the end" (which never sounded sincere, and I don't think he was really trying to sound sincere) made us all very nervous about what was to come for 15x20; and of course, when the last two episodes aired, we saw just how badly they fucked it up.

After the awful finale, the entire fandom became aware of the CW's heavy handed role in the thing, basically squeezing all the life out of SPN to shape it into a ramp from which Walker could launch itself. They not only erased all the love and joy and representation that Cas's love confession gave us, they also tore apart the things that made sense about the bond between Sam and Dean, making it really just about Sam-- and therefore Jared, which of course, Jared seemed to be fine with ... even though no one else was. Misha barely said anything during the finale, and a few of the other actors talked about the show ending in various posts, but Jared tweeted up a storm ... and Jensen? Jensen just sat in sexy-silent resentment of the whole thing. He didn't tweet, he didn't post, he didn't say a word once he no longer had to, and I think that's because he was already going full-steam-ahead on his plans for redemption.

Which brings us to Chaos Machine-- Jensen and Danneel's new production company that is being run by a queer creative director and has a mantra of inclusivity and representation woven throughout it's fabric; and apparently, the first story that Jensen wanted to tell through this new platform is the origin story of Sam and Dean's parents; so last week (?) he announced the upcoming production of "The Winchesters" -- the untold love story of John and Mary. Obviously, John is not the most likable character from the show, so the idea was met with a lot of resentment when it was first announced, but Jensen has gone on to say that he is excited to take on the task of telling the "true" story behind these characters-- the one that makes sense with the pre-established canon and doesn't reject it. So, given that, the idea is being mulled over with a bit more optimism from the fandom.

Who isn't being optimistic though?

Jared Padalecki.

When Jensen made this announcement on Twitter, many of his friends and coworkers congratulated him, but not Jared. Jared responded with a passive aggressive: "I'm happy for you, man, but I wish I didn't hear about it through Twitter." This of course, sent all the die-hard Jared fans into a tizzy and they immediately began asking him if he was serious (hoping it was just a joke-- we all hoped it was because there would be fallout no matter what one's opinion on Jared is). Instead of leaving it there though or just deleting that tweet, Jared went on to tweet some more, saying that he was being serious that he didn't know about the plans for the prequel, and that he was "gutted" that Sam apparenlty wouldn't be included (mind you, this a prequel to SPN... meaning BEFORE Sam and Dean were even born, so how could Sam be included? But Dean is apparently narrating this story so maybe Jared thought Sam should be helping to narrate it? I don't know). But Jared being Jared couldn't just leave that there, he then went on to tweet at Robbie Thompson who was announced as a writer for "The Winchesters" so then Jared went off on him too, calling him "Brutus" and a "coward" acting like Robbie betrayed him (speculation is-- Robbie refused to write for Walker, so Jared is pissed that he essentially chose Jensen over him). He did fairly quickly, remove that tweet attacking Robbie, but of course the damage was done at that point. And it truly only took his first tweet calling out Jensen for some people to be like "Jared-- that sucks if you didn't know but why are you saying any of this publicly?"

As you might know, Jared has had issues in the past with posting hurtful things on social media, and has even used it as a tool for attack before-- calling out customer service agents and public workers that he felt have wronged him, which is bad enough ... but for him to then do the same thing to his best friend of well over a decade? Many people who had once liked him or at least gave him the benefit of the doubt (I used to ...) stopped after this latest twitter tantrum.

However, some people have suspected for some time that J2 had a falling out either shortly before the finale or just after. Their public/social media interactions have seemed awkward, stilted or even non-existent in moments that they normally wouldn't be. In the past year, when Walker premiered, Jensen didn't say much about his friend's new venture other than a "Congrats. buddy" here and there. Later, we learned that Jensen refused to work on the show ... Jared said he make him do it, drag Jensen to the set "kicking and screaming" which made many fans quirk up an eyebrow because, why would Jensen put up a fight unless the two weren't as close as they used to be? And then Jensen moved his family to Colorado (either permanently or for an extended period at least) which is notable considering how he moved to Texas seemingly to be closer to Jared, even buying a house that was near his. All this was just speculation though; but it wasn't until Jared's tweet complaining about not knowing about the prequel that the theories behind them falling out, became less theory and more fact.

The day after his twitter tantrum, Jared tweeted again-- not retracting his statements or apologizing, but instead saying that he and Jensen "talked" and were "all good". Jensen then tweeted too, parroting this statement to some degree, which only made the whole thing even more sour in the mouths of the fans. The fact that Jared didn't apologize for his outburst and throwing his friend under the bus, and also the fact that Jensen-- Mr. Sexy Silence, Mr. Never Tweets, Mr. Tech-Ignorant-and-Proud, actually had to POST SOMETHING saying that he and Jared made up, it just screamed OPTICS. It was obviously the work of agents and PR firms and lots of people going "Look, if you two keep beefing, that will mean the death of both of your projects. Even more people will stop watching Walker, and this SPN prequel will never get picked up due to the scandal." So, the two "made nice" publicly to quell the chaos, but in my opinion, it's all too little too late. Jared started a storm that he can't contain now with a little tweet, and it seems like he knows that too because before he talked about him and Jensen making up, he asked that people "not send threats". He could have just as easily said that he shouldn't have made this a public issue and that he's sorry, but instead, he continued to play the victim and stoke the flames by alerting us all to the damage he's done.

Now, like I said before-- I used to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't think he's an awful human or that he deserves to be attacked or anything, but he is an adult man with very poor judgment and an obvious selfish-streak a mile wide. He should know better, and he should have more respect for his so-called "friends" and "brothers" than to make them targets to public ridicule. I have a hard time believing that Jensen still sees Jared the way he used to, and I wouldn't blame him a bit for wanting to pull away-- especially when he's moving on to so many new and exciting things. Jared certainly deserves happiness just as much as anyone else, but he went on twitter and basically asked for a scandal, and he got one.

The question is now-- was there a motive behind it? Was just looking for a reason to bring his and Jensen's falling out to light-- while making himself looking like the victim in the process? Or did he genuinely not know about the prequel and just decided to go about "not knowing" in the most toxic and hurtful way he could manage?

In any case, that is the drama ... that is the J2 insanity in a rather lengthy nutshell ... that is the tea ... and I hope it all makes sense.

But the good news out of all of this is, Cockles is thriving-- they are happy and in love and Jensen calls Misha "Babe" and Misha misses waking up to see Jensen in the morning, and they are just as cute and wonderful as can be.

So, I will end that there. I am so glad to see you back, and I hope I answered all your questions in a way that made sense ... I tried anyway!

💖💖💖

[chooseyouovereveryone]

Your coming out story sounds interesting so I’d love to hear it if you felt comfortable to share more :)

Well I did actually blog about my full coming out story for pride month before and it’s pinned on my profile under “personal”, but in a nutshell…

I definitely always had signs I was gay growing up that I can recognise in hindsight but I didn’t realise at the time. But I was probably like 16/17 when I started questioning my sexuality, but any time the thought would come up I would shove it deep down and try to suppress it.

I definitely had feelings for my best friend at the time but I tried to push it away and I got sucked into comp het life instead and became a serial dater with guys and I was just trying to be like everyone else around me. Whenever I slept with a guy I would feel awful afterwards like it didn’t feel right and I felt guilty almost? And I could never catch feelings for any of them even though I dated some really nice guys. But the math wasn’t mathing and I just thought I was a cold, heartless person or something was wrong with me.

Around the time I was 17/18 I discovered Brittana from Glee and they literally changed everything for me bc they made something click in me bc I finally felt represented, and I began to accept that I liked girls. I didn’t accept I was a lesbian yet, just that I liked girls, and I never told anyone either. Just kept it all to myself and continued to date guys and got defensive if anyone ever questioned my love life.

Then when I was 19 I met a girl and we clicked instantly and became best friends like overnight but there was always this flirtatious energy between us and we were like attached at the hip. I literally used to skip uni all the time to go stay with her in London and we were like unhealthily obsessed with each other. Then one night we got drunk and kissed and I was like woah…& then a few weeks later we hooked up and it was the first time sex felt right for me. But the next morning I felt so panicked I literally threw up lol and spent all day googling if it meant I was gay now.

So we didn’t speak about it and it took me a few weeks to process but I began to accept I actually did like her and we started sleeping together but for ages we would just never talk about it or acknowledge it and any time I tried she would shut me down bc she was even more in denial than I was. So that’s when I turned 20 and told my friends bc I felt like I needed to tell someone. And then my best friend at the time, her boyfriend outed me at her 21st birthday party to all our friends and social group bc he was mad that I was texting this girl I was in the situation with all night instead of enjoying the party. He shouted “why don’t you just admit to everyone you’re a lesbian?” and I was so mortified and cried all night haha!

Meanwhile the situation with the girl was still super confusing bc we were so on and off and like she wouldn’t let me date other people but she wouldn’t fully commit to be my girlfriend either bc she said she could never properly date a girl and it all got very toxic and messy but I guess in hindsight she was just struggling too with everything. I really wanted to come out in time for my 21st birthday (I was labelling myself as bi at this point) and introduce her as my gf but when the time got near she wasn’t ready so I never came out bc I knew if I did it would out her too (by this point we lived together and literally shared a bed every night so our families were already suspicious)

I just figured she would come out in time and it would all be okay so that relationship with us continued for 3 years and got more and more unhealthy and then when I was 22 we both graduated uni and did summer programmes in America. We applied for the same programme but she didn’t get accepted into mine so I went to Cali, she went to Florida, and we had all these plans to travel together and then get an apartment in London when we got back but when she got to Florida she ended up getting with another girl and being official with her straight away and I was so hurt and blindsided (we’ve talked this all out since and basically being in another country gave her courage to be fully out). But at the time I just felt so heartbroken bc she could never be like that with me in the 3 years we were a thing so I literally swore off girls and was like “I’m only dating guys from now on bc they can’t hurt me.”

So that’s what I did for the next couple of years and I even told all my friends I was straight and it had all been a phase. In the midst of that I fell madly in love with a straight girl so…who was I kidding? But all that heartbreak further proved to me I didn’t wanna date girls and risk being hurt.

Fast forward to the beginning of 2020, I was 26 and finally felt like I’d processed the heartbreak and worked on myself and I decided to date both girls and guys after a break from dating altogether, and just see what happened. I dated a couple of girls but nothing serious took off and then I started dating a guy in June bc I convinced myself it would be an “easier life”, and then in July, Naya Rivera (who I looked up to so much during my early sexuality struggles) passed away, and it literally brought all the memories back. I rewatched Glee and rediscovered Brittana and I had like this huge epiphany of life being too short and that I should be authentic, so that’s what I did. I embraced myself as not just someone who likes girls, but as a lesbian, and finally fully admitted it to myself. I broke things off with the guy I was dating and I’ve never looked back.

From then on I really found myself, started dating girls and I came out to my parents a couple of months later bc they had just never known everything that had went on bc my 1st relationship had to be so secret. They weren’t shocked though so I guess it must have been obvious. My friends always knew the history so I was just like “so I’m dating girls again…” and none of them were shocked. I’m lucky to not have had any awful reactions and to be accepted, my dad took a while to come around, but now the initial shock has worn off he is super supportive.

So I guess it’s been almost 3 years since I fully came out properly and I’ve been so happy since I did. It’s been a process for sure, but like I said I’m grateful to have had a positive experience from the people around me. My difficulties I think stemmed more from not being truthful to myself, but I am now so :)

Also sorry I love how I said “in a nutshell” then wrote an essay, but it’s shorter than my blog post at least haha!

[whomst-art-thou-whomst-whomst]

Texts from the Lost Tomb part 6.1

🎶 Back on the bullshit I never got off🎶

Is this another unnecessary story arc?? With three sections??

Yes.

Wushanju Crew Chat

Wang Meng: You know, I’m someone who appreciates consistency in my day. My life is pleasant, very few issues indeed if you ignore the big ones. And yet. Yet here we are. With unresolved messes at the end of a day.

Wang Pangzi: SOMETHIN YOU NEED TO SAY MARY POPPINS

Wang Meng: We need to talk about Huo Daofu and the glittery bead curtain.

Wang Pangzi: MY FAVE TEEN WIZARD SERIES

Wu Xie: did you turn on that suggested word thingy lol

What glittery bead curtain

Wang Meng: I closed the shop at 6:00pm this evening on the dot. I locked all of the doors in and out of the shop very carefully, especially in light of recent events. The hall leading to the back office was empty. I filed the day’s paperwork, updated and sent emails, and then spent an extra hour organizing receipts and dusting. When I came back out, there were glittery iridescent bead curtains over the front entrance to the shop.

What could this mean?

Wu Xie: uh that you need to spend less time at work?

Wang Pangzi: LOOKS LIKE WE GOT ONE FOR THE DETECTIVES. THE MYSTERY OF THE BEDAZZLED THRESHOLD COMMENCES

Wu Xie: I think we can be relatively secure in thinking a glittery bead curtain isn’t a hostile threat

Wang Pangzi: SAYS YOU

I REMEMBER YE OLDE EXPLORATION TIMES HOW FAST THINGS GOT FURIOUS

BEANBAG CHAIRS SET AFLAME AND LEFT ON DOORSTEPS AS A WARNING

GLITTERBOMBS FOR DAYS

PANIC AT THE DISCO

Wang Meng: Ugh, forget it. I should have just taken them down, regardless of who they belong to.

Zhang Qiling: They are not mine.

Wang Pangzi: A BOLD STATEMENT COMING FROM OUR PRIME SUSPECT

SOMEONE QUICK GO DRAW CHALK AROUND THE DOORWAY TO MARK THE SCENE OF THE CRIME

Wang Meng: Do we know anyone who *would* sneak in and put those up? For whatever reason, legal or not? Even as a joke?

Wang Pangzi: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING WHETHER WE KNOW ANYONE WHO IS CHAOTIC, AN OUTLAW, A PRANKSTER AND/OR SNEAKS INTO PLACES

BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN OUR SUSPECT LIST IS LITERALLY EVERYONE WE KNOW EXCEPT FOR YOU.

Wu Xie: okay let’s think about this; for starters, I didn’t break into my own shop

Wang Meng: You would be in danger of doing some work in the process, that’s true.

Wang Pangzi: LOL

Wu Xie: ANYWAY let’s keep going. For example, Xiao Ge would only break in somewhere for a good reason. Xiao Ge, did you do this?

Zhang Qiling: No.

Wu Xie: okay who’s next

Wang Pangzi: YOU REALLY MISSED YOUR CALLING IN INTERROGATION TIANZHEN

REALLY PUT THE SCREWS TO HIM

IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE;)

Zhang Qiling: How can we be certain *you* didn’t do it?

Wang Meng: Admittedly that was my guess, too.

Wang Pangzi: WOW I SEE HOW IT IS

BLAME PANGZI AS USUAL

ANYWAY HOW DOES HUO DAOFU FIT INTO THIS

Wu Xie: Oh yeah him! Oops I got distracted

Wang Pangzi: UR ENTIRE HISTORY IN A NUTSHELL

Wu Xie: Ugh fuck off

Wang Meng what abt Huo Daofu??

Zhang Qiling: ?

Wu Xie: oh sorry xiaoge I didn’t realize you wouldn’t have spent much time around him last year

He and I go way back

Zhang Qiling: Way back where?

Babysitters Club Chat

Wang Pangzi: I CANNOT BELIEVE HE IS BUYING YOUR INNOCENT ACT

IF YOU EVER TURN TO EVIL WE ARE FUCKED

Zhang Qiling: ?

Wang Pangzi: YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHO HUO DAOFU IS

YOU WERE EXTREMELY POLITE AND BORDERLINE FRIENDLY TOWARDS HIM

Zhang Qiling: I wanted him to feel welcome. I wanted to be sure he understands he has a place here. A specific place.

Wang Pangzi: FOR A SILENT GUY YOU ARE A MASTER AT SUBTLE POWER PLAYS IM ALL TINGLY

LMAO THE IDEA OF WU XIE LEAVING YOU FOR HUO DAOFU IS HILARIOUS AND ALSO NOPE

Zhang Qiling: Rationally, I understand that.

Main Chat

Wang Meng: Huo Daofu is coming for the weekend—didn’t Wu Xie tell you? Wu Xie asked me to check in a week ahead so we could start getting ready for his arrival

Wu Xie: oh yeah I did do that

Wang Meng: Fortunately I know you and so I already went ahead and took care of everything.

Re: the trip

He made a deal with Wu Xie’s doctor that he would do periodic checkups on him here at Wushanju

Bc Wu Xie hates being in the hospital

And frankly the hospital hates him too

Wang Pangzi: FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT LOL

I FORGOT HUO DAOFU WAS DOING THAT

A VERY CHIVALROUS GESTURE

WOULDNT YOU SAY

XIOAGE

Zhang Qiling: Is it safe for him to be here with a criminal loose on the premises?

Wu Xie: Right, back to the curtain! Let’s focus on the curtain, hmm?

Wang Pangzi: I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS WEEKEND.

ALSO WE CAN RULE OUT XIAO BAI FOR THE CURTAIN SHE JUST SENT A SELFIE FROM NORWAY COVERED IN GREEN SLIME WITH ZERO CONTEXT, UR PROTEGE INDEED

Wu Xie: okay but who else would do something so oddly charming yet illegal and—wait.

Snake Eyes Chat

Wu Xie: hey, Glasses hasn’t been in touch lately right?

Li Cu: uh nope

Unless u count the outdated memes

Why, is money or Xie Yuchen missing

Or is this curtain related, I saw Wang Meng’s tweet

Wu Xie: haha no nothing to worry about really

(I mean maybe? but who knows)

Wang Meng is probably just getting a little paranoid in his old age

Li Cu: better than getting reckless and stupid as hell in ur old age

Wu Xie: …hey:(

Unknown Number: Li Cu, we discussed this.

Wu Xie: ????????

Li Cu: *sigh* fine, reckless and stupid as heck

Unknown Number: …close enough.

Wu Xie: EXCUSE who is that

Madame, Sir, Non-Binary Tree Spirit, etc—whomst the fuck

Are you

Li Cu is underage FYI

So Im staying on this chat

Li Cu: okay first of all, it’s not like that

Second of all I’m literally not underage I s2g

u threw the embarrassing surprise bday party, okay so u should remember

And C, that’s my counselor and I invited her. She wanted to meet u and I knew u wouldn’t agree to a visit so I added her to our chat

we have been discussing u

Wu Xie: Oh wow!!!!!!!

What a surprise:)

hi so nice to meet you:)

Main Chat:

Wu Xie: RED FUCKING ALERT

FUCK THE CURTAIN FUCK THE VISIT

IVE BEEN TRICKED INTO FAMILY THERAPY BY A SMUG TEENAGER WHO TEXTS UNKNOWN NUMBERS

Wang Meng: I assume that means something to someone here?

Not my problem? Good.

Wang Pangzi: AHAHAHA GOD I LOVE LI CU

HES LIKE ADORABLE KARMA FOR ALL THE SHIT YOUVE PUT ME THROUGH

IM RAISING HIS ALLOWANCE

Wu Xie: wait i give him an allowance

has he been collecting on two allowances??

Zhang Qiling: Three. I knew about both of yours.

Snake Eyes Chat

Wu Xie: so uh may I ask your name?

Unknown Number: you can call me Ms. Lee.

Now, if you’re comfortable talking in this format, why don’t you tell me how things have been going?

Wu Xie: oh everything is normal and fine and safe as usual, why do you ask:)

Li Cu: I heard about ur necklace thing. nice of you to NOT mention it.

another dangerous adventure. again. prick.

Ur lucky your cool boyfriend cares about you so much or you’d have already died like ten years ago

Wu Xie: lol try twenty years ago

Li Cu: That isn’t funny.

Unknown Number: …What?

Wu Xie: shit ur right, okay that was a bit glib, my apologies.

…I use humor as a coping mechanism?

Unknown Number: and Li Cu, how do you feel about that?

Li Cu: he doesn’t even know what that phrase means

He doesn’t cope, like ever

In fact

It’s kind of why we met

Which is a funny story in retrospect tbh

Wu Xie: haha what are you talking about sweetie hahaha need I remind you of certain anecdotes that could idk send me to jail maybe lmao

Unknown Number: …You know, perhaps an in-person meeting might be more effective?

Wu Xie: haha such a nice idea but why

Main Chat

Wu Xie: If I go to jail, I’ll have to create alliances for protection, right, that’s how it works on tv

Who do we know who spends time in jail

Other than Hei Yangjing, he’s only ever there for like 12 hours and i suspect he just gets himself arrested bc he enjoys the breaking out process

Also how’s the curtain case coming along

Zhang Qiling: Has someone threatened you?

Wu Xie: well not yet but soon I’m sure

Wang Pangzi: WHERE WAS THIS PARANOIA WHEN WE GOT TAKEN TO THE TEA HOUSE HUH

Snake Eyes Minus Your Fucking Therapist Chat

Li Cu: okay how tf did u pull off spy and undercover shit

u are sus as hell

Wu Xie: damn son is it pick on Wu Xie night

I missed the flyers or I would’ve invited my uncles

Also re: the curtain it’s been mostly solved

Li Cu: I’m not your son, idiot.

Wu Xie: …oh. Sorry, sorry, you’re right, bad choice of words, haha

Forget i said anything

Delete this chat even

Li Cu: shit I meant

Legally, biologically, I meant—

shit

…I turn into an asshole as a coping mechanism?

Wu Xie: oh that’s all okay! I have to go do something else now let me know if you need anything okay kid thanks!

Li Cu: goddamn it calm down who’s the kid here

lemme organize my thoughts so I can articulate my emotions fuckin healthily or w/e

Ugh maybe for like one afternoon we could go to Ms. Lee together? She knows how to word stuff

Wu Xie: uh…okay.

Li Cu: Anyway you don’t need to worry abt jail

As if you would survive prison for one day you’d piss off half the place in like an hour or less

I gave Ms. Lee the heavily edited version of the desert highway to hell roadtrip and i discussed it more in terms of like “nightmarish but still wouldn’t take any of it back”

Well maybe the sand

that shit was everywhere

Wu Xie: oh kiddo. It’s fine, really…You don’t have to explain yourself to me.

Li Cu: no, no it’s just

I do technically have a dad

who is an asshole. Being a son doesn’t really mean shit to me bc it sucked.

So you need to stop backing down just cuz ur guilty abt stuff. I’m really really glad ur not my dad in a good way. Do u get what I mean there

Where’s the mafia widower I followed into hell, huh

Wu Xie: Ur a good kid, despite my influence. I’m really glad you have someone to talk to after everything I…after everything. Wow this talking through feelings thing is kind of weird but nice ur right

Jfc no wonder it took me and xiaoge so long to—you know what, we won’t get into that

Li Cu: ew tmi

Also re: this week’s recent necklace fuckery

I moved my stuff here, I live here now

So you can’t die anymore

Or else…Idk I don’t have a threat planned

anyways abt the curtain

Wu Xie: oh my god, kid…kid you have no idea

I am in tears.

Li Cu: see this is why I can’t be nice to you I can sense the hallmark channel from here

Ugh don’t be sad in ur room that’s dumb

Go hug Pangzi or something

Maybe delete this chat

Or the curtain thing

Focus on the curtain thing

Just stfu and go away

Wu Xie: <3 screenshotting this <3

Li Cu: I take back everything I said. This is why Xiao Ge sleeps on the roof. I hope the ghosts of the Wangs put up that curtain to strangle you somehow. Go die in a stupid way, it’ll suit you.

Wu Xie: lol don’t worry I’m not gonna embarrass you with it or anything

Main Chat

Wu Xie: omg guys look how cute my kid is *sending screenshot*

Wang Pangzi: I MEAN

HE IS WISHING YOU DEATH

BUT SURE

CUTE I GUESS

Wu Xie: no but read the whole thing:):):)

Zhang Qiling: It is indeed very hard to remain angry with you. And you are welcome to join me on the roof.

Wang Pangzi: UH NOPE

NOT WHENI HAD TO BLEACH THE COUNTER IN THE KITCHEN

DONT TRAUMATIZE THE EARLY BIRDS THEYRE ALREADY FREAKED OUT BY U YA HOODIE CRYPTID

Wu Xie: ok true but babe ur like a sexy cryptid

Wang Meng: so, are we just accepting that there is a glittery curtain of unknown origin, and Huo Daofu is going to have to see it while he’s waiting for you at Wushanju bc you’re going to family therapy?

Wu Xie: right

Wang Pangzi: SHOULDA TAKEN EARLY RETIREMENT HUH

Wang Meng: I’m going to go dust something.

Unnamed Chat:

Unknown number: so the curtain…

Unknown number 2: yep, not my best work but I kinda panicked last minute u know

Unknown number: what is in the water at Wushanju that makes everyone dumb and attractive

Unknown number 2: relax they’ll figure it out

[bonvoyagenoona]

yuugehn said 10

if you’re comfortable with sharing, i’d like to know more about your journey~ were you a writer throughout high school? & then come college, decided it was time to put your head down & focus on the super-serious adult-y stuff like school & work?

actually…how did writing become your first love? you mentioned being closed off from your own emotions…did your love for writing start with a journal? what inspired you to start writing fanfiction? & what gave you the courage to start sharing it? i have so many questions lol. but again, only if you’re comfortable sharing.

Hi, friend! I’ve been thinking a lot about writing lately and am always excited to share! 

You absolutely hit the nail on the head. I read and wrote a LOT growing up. Yes, journaled a ton. Watched a ton of TV and movies as well. I started writing fanfiction pretty early because I always wanted to extend stories past the page. Writing also became a communal thing; I swapped Backstreet Boys and Harry Potter fanfiction with friends! From there, I organically looked up how to write newsletters and scripts and zines and all sorts of different kinds of works. 

I don’t think posting is scary, maybe because I’ve always wanted to share stuff on a large scale. I wanted to go to film school for college, but my parents wouldn’t allow it. I ended up in psychology, which I’m super thankful and wouldn’t trade for anything. I found other ways to scratch the writing itch, like always choosing to do videos for presentations, and writing scripts for my friends to act out. But to build my career, I had to focus on grad school and work. I ended up compartmentalizing in order to have that focus. Now, I’m luckily in a spot where I can devote a little more time to hobbies, and getting into BTS was such an immersive process that I felt inspired all over again!

i think your bts story is just so wonderful – i’m truly grateful to them not only for saving me from my grief last year (in fact, i sent them a thank you card…where it actually ended up, i’ll never know), but also for waking you up(!) & motivating you to get back in touch with you. otherwise, we wouldn’t get to experience your talent as a writer, & that would’ve been lamentable.

You are way, way, wayyyy too kind! I’m so glad that BTS was able to bring us both energy and comfort in ways that we needed it. And that they continue to do so, through entertaining and inspiring us. I’d like to believe that they received your thank you card and treasure it deeply, maybe even reflecting on your message and similar ones from ARMY when times get tough for them, too. In fact, I’ve decided that’s what happened, and no one can say otherwise. 💜

“so much to ponder.” well if this isn’t me in a nutshell haha. i came across a video today of emma watson sharing her thoughts in an interview about why we make turning 30 such a big deal – she said that there is a lot of pressure to achieve major “milestones” by 30 (have a stable career, get married, buy a home, have a kid, you get it).

I SAW THAT EMMA WATSON VIDEO RECENTLY AS WELL! It was on ig, yes? And I so relate! It’s been so hard to talk to friends about this, mostly because they’ve stayed on that track to certain milestones. I was telling Roomie / @mochilatae today that I just don’t see those milestones in front of me, and even though I don’t want those milestones, it has still been a bit of an un-learning / mourning process to let those expectations go. 

& i think we do go through that phase where it’s like oh shit, oh shit, i gotta get my shit together. maybe we focus so hard on future security that we forget about what makes us happy in the present? until something wakes us, whether it’s loss or bts or alone time in a pandemic, a combination of these things or something else entirely…like hello, you don’t live in the future, you live in the now & now is really all you have…

You’re so right about this! Living in the present and coming out of the other side of the un-learning has brought so much joy. Those tricky expectations. Helpful when setting goals, but life isn’t always about setting goals. It’s about living.

so much to ponder over this one life we’re given. when i die, my ultimate, fervent wish is to know the truth of everything. like the ravenclaw i am.

OK, yep, we’re buds. Also a Ravenclaw. And now, I picture us having these conversations in the common room! I feel you on this. If your fervent wish is to know the truth, my fervent wish is to get to experience a little bit of everything, and to share my thoughts about them. Cool to connect with someone over that kind of hunger!

i’m not sure what time zone you’re in but i’m on pt & it’s 10:49pm here & i hope you had a lovely day full of lovely ponderings~ p.s. i have a 2.5” thicc book called “the secret language of birthdays” & it has a profile for every. single. birth. day…it’s just great. xd

I have had a busy week, but today has been a wonderful day of pondering, with a perfect nightcap of reading your lovely messages. I’m in US central time, and it’s 12:41 AM, and I’m very glad to imagine you on the west coast nearly hitting the same time as when you sent this message, hopefully unwinding for a perfect Saturday night. Sending you smiles and wishes for wonderful dreams!

[ashenlights]

From planning to posting, share your process for making creative content (part 2!)

RULES: When your work is tagged, show the process of its creation from planning to posting, then tag 5 people with a specific link to one of their creative works you’d like to see the process of. Use the tag #showyourprocess so we can find yours!

Thanks for tagging me @vishcount! :D Here’s the process of my Liu Sang art which I drew for your birthday (and which is technically named “Waterfalls of the Sun” in my files ^^) This drawing wasn’t as neat as the process of my LWJ art that I showed in the last post -  I didn’t have a super clear idea of where I wanted to go with it at first, so it really evolved a lot as I drew!

1. Planning

Step 1 of planning was to brainstorm and try to find a quote/lyric that captured his whole character in a nutshell. I had 2 other ideas at first - one was to take inspiration from his character song The Man in the Rain (雨人) (with the lines “Maybe if I listen to the sound of rain, I will then be able to face the inevitable separation”) and draw him in the rain with an umbrella. The second idea was to take that quote from Liu Sang to Wu Xie: “One good ear is enough for me in everyday life. Consider the damaged one as my present to you”. But in the end, I couldn’t find a solid translation of his song and I found both of these ideas a little too depressing/tragic to draw and wanted something a little more positive for your birthday present ^^; So I went with the excerpt from Dogfish by Mary Oliver which you used in your edit x instead! (”You don’t want to hear the story of my life, and anyway I don’t want to tell it, I want to listen to the enormous waterfalls of the sun”). I have to mention here that your edit was a huge inspiration for this art and I purposely referenced its aesthetic a lot, as you’ll see later on in my process! (You can see it in the colours, the forest/water aesthetic and the flowers).

2. Sketch/ Basic colour plan

A messy sketch as usual! The plan was to have him use his hearing abilities - him drawing out the map of some tomb while listening and working out its structure. I knew I wanted the sun/circle as the major focal point of the composition. It’s probably impossible to tell from my scribbles, but originally I was thinking of going a bit more abstract with the background. Along the edges (in dark teal), I was going to draw those bronze pieces from that giant bell structure in s2 and have those illuminated by the golden light of the sun. But it ended up looking too busy and geometric, so I scrapped that idea.

3. Some painting and thinking about the background

Here, I slowly started to paint and shade things. Not sure if you can tell from the scribbles, but I was thinking about having a more organic nature-y background- those scribbles are flowers and trees XD This is also where Mary Oliver’s quote came in and helped a lot! As you can see on the left, I was going to have more abstract tear drop shapes as the “waterfalls of the sun” and then some reflections of the golden sun on the lake waters. But the composition really didn’t work and got too busy, so then I thought - wouldn’t it be cool if the sun was dripping like an actual waterfall? Which is where the right picture came in! This is also when I did some flower research to try to figure out which flowers to draw. I wanted something that would fit into the colour scheme and also had suitable meanings for this present and for Liu Sang - I ended up going with hydrangea for gratitude and daisies for innocence. I was also going to have a border at first! I wanted it to be like the maps Liu Sang drew in his notebook, but that also ended up looking too geometric/busy so I took that out.

4. More painting! And considering borders again

Mostly more painting and detailing of the face and the flowers here! And I was considering no border vs border and going slightly crazy trying to decide XD

5. Final painting steps and overlays

I ended up going halfway - I got rid of the fancy border and stuck with a plain rectangular one. And I placed the daisies into the scene, floating on the water! I also finally figured out the dripping sun! I had so much trouble with it in step 4 (where it looked really thick and plasticy?) But here, I discovered the perfect solution - I erased bits of the “drips” with my brush, and then blended them into the empty layer, which produced a really nice wispy fade effect ^^ And the final step was adding a few overlays - some highlights to make the sun and its waterfalls really glow, and some extra shadows here and there to clean things up. And that’s it!

6. Posting

This time I didn’t end up posting it right away because I had to wait until it was your birthday in your timezone haha. But I didn’t have to wait long - I actually only ended up finishing it the day before ^^

Bonus speedpaint!

And a speedpaint because my iPad actually recorded some of the process! I wasn’t expecting to share any of it when I was drawing, so it’s not the best and not totally representative of my whole drawing process  ^^;  Some parts are cut out because I turned off recording to check references and forgot to turn the recording back on again haha. But maybe you’ll find it interesting to see anyway? At least you can see my million other border ideas that I briefly considered but scrapped XD

[elliewan]

Two ships I love

Just sharing here two ships I really love, and would like to write about when I have some time. I’m not very used to writing headcannons, so I’ll be brief!

Clash/Iana

I just love them together, it makes so much sense to me. Iana is that non-binary incredibly intelligent person, who has been practically thrown to the lions when joining Rainbow Six, because they’re not a soldier, they’re not in a typical ‘health condition’, and old-school military people have trouble with their gender. I totally think that Thatcher would hold a grudge against Iana and their presence within Rainbow. “Girl is perhaps clever, but she’s no soldier, she has nothing to do here.” And Clash would be absolutely horrified by Thatcher’s misgendering Iana and his total lack of open-mindedness. She would go check on Iana (who honestly, doesn’t give a sh*t about grandpa Thatcher – they’ve been through worse and they don’t think Thatcher worth losing their time) and Clash would gradually spend more time with them. And good ol’ swearing Brit would fall in love with her smoll atypical astronaut <3

So, in a nutshell:

-        Iana is non-binary, using they/them pronouns. They’re rather silent and don’t lose time on people they don’t think worth it. They like challenges, and they’re used to making their own way to their objectives. They just love Clash’s extreme reactions to everything, her courage, her bravery and her sense of justice. Iana’s best friends are Ela, Mute, Jäger and Dokkaebi.

-        Clash is a loudmouth and a justice warrior. She fears no one, especially not Thatcher or R6 Direction. Her transparency about everything sometimes makes her vulnerable, but girl has a thick skull and never steps back when there’s a fight. She just loves Iana’s mind, their subtle sharpness, their wit and the absolute plush underneath their carapace. Clash is very often the little spoon hehe. Her best friends are Smoke, Aruni, Ying and Amaru.

-        Side topics to explore when writing about them: justice, gender, military culture, generation x vs. generation y

Frost/Melusi

Same, I love them together. I think Frost is that awesome woman unaware of how far she’s climbed. She’s good at everything, a fast learner, extremely professional and one of the best colleagues you could have. But she always focuses on what she lacks, on where she could improve. And when Melusi arrives, with all her experience, her atypical life in South Africa, her initiatives and her activism, Frost does 2 things: fall in love, and put Melusi on a pedestal. And Frost gets extremely shy when around Melusi, who often starts conversations. Truth be said, Melusi first thought that Frost’s hobby was hunting animals, so she made it a personal mission to change her mind and make her understand that there’s no fun in killing living beings… but when talking with the Canadian operator, Melusi understands that she was wrong about her. Frost is good at hunting, but her “hunting trips” should be renamed in “animal photoshooting trips” haha And because of her time spent hanging around with Frost, Melusi slowly starts to grow feelings for her energetic and positive personality.

So, in a nutshell:

-        Frost is a good hunter, but doesn’t take animals’ lives when it’s unnecessary and mostly take wildlife pictures. She’s a real sunshine, but also a great military professional, a reliable and sturdy colleague. She loves Melusi’s assertive personality, her subtle manners, her story and how she devotes a lot of her time to educating the next generation, and training women. Frost’s best friends are Nomad, Buck, Ying, Smoke and Twitch. -        Melusi is a subtle person. She analyzes people before she starts talking to them, and when she does, it’s often because she has a plan. It’s not manipulation, it’s precaution. But Frost tosses everything upside down with her sunny hyperactivity, and Melusi finds a beautiful person in her. She loves how Frost always tries to do better, be better, but wishes she could be aware of how perfect she already is. Melusi’s best friends are Nomad, Ash, Maverick and she’ll perhaps become friends with Kapkan, helping Frost and him solve their conflict in the process. -        Side topics to explore when writing about them: specism, wildlife, ‘recreational’ hunting, spetsnaz/jtf2 dissensions, internalized misandry (Melusi’s)

Thank you for reading :] Sorry that was a bit messy, but I just wanted to share those <3 I have some plots in mind, but I have too many pending fics atm. If you want to interact about those ships, please feel free to! And my Ask box is open if you want to know more about my interpretation of them :D

[underthedekutree]

Young Link might have PTSD - Part 2: Termina is NOT a Parallel World, Technically

This is a continuation of my last post so if you’re seeing this and haven’t read it, go here.

This is the part where I somewhat smoothly segue into Majora’s Mask. Link, lonely and filled with unprocessed trauma, leaves Hyrule in search of Navi. According to most sources (which take from Hyrule Historia probably? don’t quote me on it), Link falls down a hole into Termina, a parallel world to Hyrule, that contains many familiar looking denizens of Hyrule, but playing different roles. And well, if you probably guessed by the title, I have a rather different interpretation.

Okay, so in a nutshell my theory is that Termina is in fact all a dream, kind of like Koholint Island. Except the one dreaming up this world isn’t some deity like the Giants or Skull Kid or the Moon. It’s Link.

(big explainey hoo hah below)

Evidence 1: Link begins the game sleeping. Yes, I know literally every Zelda game begins this way and it’s a whole tradition thing. I am beginning with the weakest points first and working my way up to the strong ones. We’ll get there.

Evidence 2: The reuse of character and environment models from Ocarina of Time. The literal IRL reason for this is of course the game famously being given only one year of production time, which meant that the most practical method was to reuse as much material from MM’s predecessor as possible (eg. Romani Ranch sign is the Kakariko Village sign, and still says Kakariko Village on it). It seems like a rather offhand afterthought for Nintendo to chalk it all up to “oh its just a parallel world like Link to the Past or something. But think of it like this; when we dream, we often see familiar people from throughout our lives put in strange and unexpected situations, like that irritable old farmhand you hated so much is now a depressed circus master for some reason. Dreams don’t make sense. Things you know will mix with other strange inexplicable things, fleeting thoughts in your mind, all roughly tied together by whatever emotions you had been feeling when you went to bed. Malon is split into two people, Romani and Cremia, her older and younger self. This might reflect how Link feels about Malon, that she changed so much in those 7 years that she’s like a different person entirely, that it’s hard for him to process that they are the same, because the change was so shockingly sudden for him.

Evidence 3: Gorons in the snow, Gerudo by the sea. Yes, I know that sounds a lot like good evidence for a parallel world (that’s why the idea is widely accepted in the first place, it has merit), but it also works in as dream world evidence too. As a child, my family was obsessed with skiing. We would go to the same mountain every winter, and we would stay at the same lodge. It almost became like a second home for me. So much so, that one night I dreamed that my house had been replaced by the lodge, so it wasn’t on a snow-capped mountain, but in a bushy Australian suburb. Okay that kinda got off subject but I’m bad at conclusions so in summary Dreams Just Be Like That (tm). You get what I’m saying right? No? Sorry, let’s just move on.

Evidence 4: The Milk Bar. AKA my favourite location in the game! It’s often overlooked as the “haha funny they couldn’t put alcohol in kids game so its kiddy milk hee hee”, but it is actually a strong thematic pillar of Majora’s Mask. As I mentioned in Part 1, if you put a 9 year old in a 16 year old’s body and call him an adult before ripping that all away is probably going to leave the kid with an identity crisis. What is a mature place open at late hours when children are sleeping? A bar. What is a drink associated with the young, being produced for the purpose of helping children grow? Milk. No please don’t go I swear there’s more to this, stay with me. In order to gain access to the bar, Link must prove he is mature enough by wearing a mask, a disguise, like Adult Link is to Young Link. Being adult isn’t earned through years of natural living experience and mental development, it’s a thing you are given by adults to just BE when they deem you worthy, at least from how Link sees it. So that is the amalgamation of dream thoughts that is the Milk Bar. Is it mature? Is it childish? What is the line between the two? Is there one? It’s the culmination of his anxieties and confusions that he doesn’t know how to express. Another, smaller expression of this anxiety is the Clock Town Guards. When Link is a Deku, the guards say they don’t allow children outside the gates. When Link turns back however, the guard goes to stop him because he looks too young, but sees that he has a sword, and lets him pass. Why the sword? Well, in one way this is a callback to Kokiri Forest, where Mido doesn’t let Link see the Deku Tree until he has a sword. But also, what is the item that lets Link travel through time and become an adult in OOT? The Master Sword. Link seems to believe that adulthood is measured by the things you have, physical markers of maturity, which is how lots of children see adulthood. You’re an adult if you can drink, if you’re tall, if you’re married, if you have a house, a car etc. But in reality this isn’t how it works. Heck, I’m technically an adult but I sure as hell don’t feel like one, because I know I still have things to learn about responsibility, patience and all the other things, that can only come with time, which is the moral conclusion of OOT, but clearly Link missed the memo. Don’t get me wrong, there are some indicators to show he’s grown a bit. He can ride Epona, use the bow, do flips like some kind of acrobat etc. But those strange and confused feelings linger, and manifest in the young boy’s dreams.

Evidence 5: The four transformation masks. The four masks represent different aspects of Link’s self, and the way he grew and changed in OOT. Deku Scrub the Innocent, Goron the Confident, Zora the Mature and Fierce Deity the Hero. Link began only knowing the Kokiri Forest, and nothing of the world outside. As he set out on his journey, he grew more confident in his skills and defeated greater foes. When evil took over, he learned from his fatal mistake and worked to right it. And when it was finally time to face the greatest threat, he was ready, with all the heart pieces, bottles full of fairies, Biggoron Sword in hand. At that moment he struck the final blow he probably felt like the strong and unstoppable hero everyone in Hyrule told him he needed to be. And that feeling of pure uncompromising strength, with the whole world behind him, manifested in the Fierce Deity. Fierce Deity is much taller than Adult Link, and packs so much of a punch that he can beat Majora without batting an eye, like some overpowered Super Saiyan. It reminds me a lot of Undertale, with young Asriel becoming what he imagines to be an all-powerful godlike being, like something you’d see as a children’s drawing. Fierce Deity gives off those vibes, like “he has a HUGE SWORD that SHOOTS BEAMS OF LIGHT and he’s 8 FOOT TALL and CAN KILL ENEMIES IN A SINGLE BLOW!!” Before the final battle on the moon, when Majora gives you the mask, he childishly asks if you want to play a game of good guys and bad guys. And the good guy always wins, no matter what. Fierce Deity makes the final boss a cakewalk, but its supposed to.

Evidence 6: Anju and Kafei. Short one, because it falls a lot into everything else I’ve said regarding childhood vs adulthood. Kafei is effectively a switcheroo of what happened to Link in OOT. An adult shrunk back to childhood, uncomfortable in his new body and looking for a way to fix everything. He’s a reflection of how Link now kinda feels like an adult in a child’s body, because he had started to be used to being called an adult.

Evidence 7: The Moon. I haven’t super touched on the main meat of the game yet, so here it is. The moon and the 3 day mechanic is an allegory for constant mounting pressure, that builds and builds, never ceasing, because the world is in danger, and there’s only one person who has been chosen to save it. I’ve always been interested in the Chosen One narrative, and how different media explore the idea of the world’s very existence being pushed onto one person. How at the end of it all, they can never be the same again after all they’ve gone through. When you’re somehow expected to hold up the Moon itself single-handed, and your life and everything you care about suffers because you’re putting everyone else before yourself. That feeling of complete loneliness under a crushing weight, and although other characters may come to help you, in the end its still all down to you, and you never had a choice in any of it, as all the decisions were made by someone else. You must do what they tell you. Believe in yourself, believe...

Evidence 8: Skull Kid. The story goes that long ago in Termina, the Skull Kid and the Giants played together, until one day, the Giants left, leaving the Skull Kid alone and heartbroken, with nobody to turn to. As life moves on, things may change, and people always come and go from your life. Your friend might move overseas, or stop texting you, or you might fall out of friendship after an awkward event from which you could never recover (no, these have totally not all happened to me, shut up i’m fine), or your fairy companion might just disappear without so much as a goodbye after their task is complete. And it feels like you didn’t matter at all. That they never really cared about you, and you’re as easy to drop and move on from as a child’s toy. You might get angry, and want to shut them out, and give them a taste of their own medicine. Majora’s Mask teaches you that this isn’t the case. Life is ever changing, but you will always have the memories of times with your friends, and a chance to make more with new friends, like a sassy talkative fairy sprite and her shy brother or a child made of wood who wants to destroy the world. Friends come from unlikely places, so accept that change will happen and hope that wherever the people you knew are, they’re okay. You’re thinking about them, so they might be thinking about you too. And who knows? Life is unpredictable. They might just come back one day, and it’ll be like they were never gone.

Evidence 9 (the final one, I promise): The Song of Healing. At the end of all things, after losing ones you love, connections to family and friends, memories of things long past... you need time to heal. Link’s journey through Termina is a constant gauntlet of running into his own past traumas, forced to relive them again, and again, and again. But sometimes you should take a deep breath, gather your thoughts, and take time to heal. Although it can be important to confront your fears and learn to surpass them, it is exhausting, and you can end up more emotionally broken than when you started. The three masks all had regrets of powerlessness; unable to protect your community, your loved ones, or even yourself. Troubles you’ve gone through that keep plaguing your mind, and you’re wondering if you’ve done enough, seeking answers where none can be found. And the best thing you can do... is accept and move on. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to heal. Link’s way of processing his grief and trauma is to create an entire hellscape world in his own head, but not everyone processes it the same way. Sometimes you feel like you need to busy yourself, or listen to soothing music, or talk to people you trust, or spend copious amounts of money, or make some angst art, or cuddle your plush toys until their stuffing squeezes out. Sometimes life hits you in the face and you want to blame yourself for standing in the firing line, but it’s not your fault. It’s okay to feel however you feel, whether you’re drenched in a pool of tears or you just feel numb, it’s okay and natural. You’re okay. You’re here.

Okay so it got kinda personal at the end there but I hope it was informative, and made you think a little bit differently about Majora’s Mask and Ocarina of Time. You probably want to go back and play them now. Me too.

So was this all just an excuse for me to gush about how cool Majora’s Mask is? Hell fucking yes it was. Congratulations for making it through my monstrous ramblings, you get the secret prize of looking at my weird art on my DA. Here you go. Have a nice day, Zelda Nerds.

[flying-elliska]

man I love reading your posts on mental health, probably bc it's an interest of mine (might wanna be a therapist? idk) but also bc I love your thought process and commentary. but this latest one hits hard as an aroace person, also trans/nb but that's separate I guess. like I'm sure the more I look into this field the more I'll see queer identities getting shit on. ugh. but I love hearing your thoughts and I hope you're doing well!

Thank you! That's why I do write about it I guess, not just to get my thoughts in order but maybe so people can either relate or learn more.

If you do become a therapist I really support you !!! We need more therapists that are lgbtqia+ themselves, generally queer friendly, and politically aware ! The field was so heteronormative for so long and used as an instrument of social control (this is basically Foucault's History of Madness in a nutshell) and it still is but I also really believe that things are changing and there is a lot of good work to be done in that area.

And I get it haha I also find this stuff fascinating from an intellectual perspective.

I am ok, I hope you too 💕💕💕

[melodiiousnocturne]

(  dylan  wang  ,  cismale  ,  he  /  him  ,  kingdom  hearts  )  *  &.  i  know  it  must  be  scary  for  you  ,  demyx  ,  after  surviving  the  takeover  .  to  turn  into  someone  like  myde  lu  ,  a  twenty-one  year-old  part  time  clerk  at  the  hq  and  part  time  instructor  at  the  record  scratch  ,  right  here  in  castle  town  .  just  remember  that  you  are  as  easygoing  as  you  are  indolent  ,  and  to  be  wary  ,  be  safe  ,  be  true  to  who  you  are  :  neutral  through  and  through  .

hi  as  i  said  in  gc  ,  this  is  one  big  tl;dr  i’m  a  demyx  stan  !

BEFORE  CASTLE  TOWN.

where  do  i  begin

demyx  —  number  ix  in  organization  xiii  (  demyx  vc  :  are  we  still  gonna  call  ourselves  organization  xiii  now  that  there’s  14  of  us  ?  )  he  is  ...  lazy  .  arguably  the  most  cowardly  of  the  bunch  ,  doesn’t  like  fighting  ,  and  would  rather  nap  or  play  music  .

that  being  said  ...  despite  his  very  emotional  exterior  in  comparison  ,  we  have  seen  that  he  can  get  just  as  serious  /  dark  like  the  rest  of  them  if  he  really  needs  to  ...  

idk  i  have  a  lot  of  feelings  .

he’s  very  ??  idk  how  to  explain  it  bt  like  .  “  what’s  in  it  for  me  ?  ”  (  as  we  really  see  in  kh3  )  &  like  .  i  wld  say  he  is  a  mix  of  ravenclaw  /  slytherin  just  .  minus  the  whole  cutthroat  ambition  of  slytherin  etc  bc  tbh  that  isn’t  him  .  he’s  kinda  just  along  for  the  ride  .  i  am  rejecting  those  MoM  theories  and  i’m  not  sorry  ab  it  idc  if  they  say  it’s  true  ,  i  REFUSE  .

i  feel  like  since  demyx  allegedly  never  remembered  his  somebody  life  ,  he  probably  didn’t  care  as  much  ab  the  whole  kingdom  hearts  thing  because  he  didn’t  drink  the  kool-aid  because  like  why  would  he  want  a  life  that  he  doesn’t  even  remember  you  know  ??  plus  it’s  —  he  already  knew  xemnas  &  saïx  were  fucken  lying  when  they  said  the  nobodies  didn’t  have  hearts  JKDWJHSNS  why  did  he  need  to  be  a  somebody  to  regain  a  heart  when  he  believed  he  already  had  one  !!!

whatever  ....  lmao

anyway  demyx  in  the  manga  was  honestly  a  mood  and  a  half  i  adore  him

when  he  was  brought  back  to  the  organization  for  kh3  ,  he  was  made  into  a  seeker  of  darkness  —  meaning  baby  water  boy  got  NORTED  .  his  ears  didn’t  appear  to  be  pointed  in  some  way  (  like  the  others  )  so  it’s  safe  to  say  he  didn’t  get  as  much  of  xehanort’s  heart  placed  inside  of  him  .  bt  it  was  enough  to  turn  his  pretty  blue  eyes  into  that  ominous  gold  .

regardless  ,  he  was  benched  despite  going  through  that  whole  process  which  like  i  HIGHLY  doubt  is  an  easy  one  to  even  do  (  so  good  on  demyx  for  being  strong  enough  to  withstand  it  ,,,  )  bt  it’s  !  to  be  noted  !  because  he  felt  bitter  ab  being  demoted  after  ,  and  ofc  with  a  mystery  incentive  from  vexen  ,  demyx  finally  took  the  offer  of  backstabbing  the  organization  (  read  :  it  goes  back  to  what  i  said  ab  him  being  like  well  what’s  in  it  for  me  .....  since  before  he  got  apparently  satisfied  enough  ,  he’s  like  uhhhh  sorry  bt  have  u  seen  what  happens  to  idiots  who  betray  these  guys  lol  like  idk  ab  all  that  )

so  basically  self-preservation  of  a  slytherin  .  there  i  said  it  !  plot  twist  he  isn’t  a  coward  ,  he’s  just  smart  enough  to  not  throw  himself  head  first  into  danger  .  go  figure  ,  right  ?  like  look  alright  he  may  be  comedic  relief  bt  ...  he  is  also  more  than  that  !

in  the  organization  he  was  known  to  kinda  be  a  bully  /  play  pranks  /  manipulate  others  into  doing  his  work  for  him  bt  at  the  end  of  the  day  he  ??  isn’t  like  .  REALLY  a  bad  guy  or  whatever  .  saying  it  was  the  pressure  of  the  organization  is  dulling  everything  down  ,  because  he  still  actively  chose  to  do  what  he  did  and  didn’t  do  and  i  will  hold  him  responsible  for  it  ,  bt  .  u  know  .  shit  happens  !

like  we  have  canon  evidence  he  wld  join  in  xigbar  when  it  comes  to  the  more  like  .  idk  i  guess  harsher  teasing  ?  and  all  ?  and  like  again  demyx  made  the  conscious  choice  to  go  along  w  it  so  he  isn’t  innocent  bt  ,  i  firmly  stand  by  saying  demyx  unintentionally  looked  up  to  xigbar  despite  even  ‘  fighting  ’  with  him  ,  bc  ..  well  .  i  stan  them  being  a  That  duo  .  because  to  me  ,  he’s  just  a  prankster  who  wants  a  laugh  ..  even  at  the  expense  of  another  ..  which  yea  idk  still  yikes  ...  bt  it  isn’t  like  ,  malicious  ..  when  he  is  on  his  own  ..  imo .  i  mean  take  the  days  manga  ,  he  puts  a  whoopee  cushion  on  axel’s  chair  ?  bitch  pls  ..

(  also  quick  going  back  to  him  being  strong  enough  to  accept  getting  norted  —  please  just  remember  ....  nobodies  aren’t  even  supposed  to  exist  !  they  only  technically  form  when  the  person  who  lost  their  heart  is  strong-willed  &  tbh  ?  i  think  it  speaks  volumes  for  demyx  bc  despite  the  show  he  puts  on  ,.....  he  is  there  .  )

alright  so  look  i  know  i  sound  like  i  am  in  denial  of  the  MoM  stuff  and  that  mayhaps  be  so  .  however  there’s  definitely  smthin  off  .  like  we  KNOW  he  can  be  uhhhh  a  pos  like  the  remark  he  has  in  days  ab  how  the  castle  that  never  was  is  quieter  without  everyone  who  was  eliminated  at  castle  oblivion  ,  bt  —  it  was  always  a  really  weird  line  to  me  because  he’s  always  been  branded  as  the  most  emotional  of  the  organization  /  the  one  who  adamantly  believed  they  had  hearts  the  whole  time  ?  which  .  inch  resting  !  i  wld  like  to  formally  say  ONE  OF  THESE  is  a  fucken  coping  mechanism  of  sorts  or  smthin  bc  it’s  really  ...  a  lot  and  nothing  makes  sense  and  like  that’s  the  entirety  of  kh  lore  in  a  nutshell  bt  ya  .  like  i  think  it  ties  into  the  whole  self-preservation  thing  bc  it’s  like  ,  wow  they  really  went  and  got  themselves  fucken  murked  ...  how  dumb  ...  bt  at  the  same  time  bc  like  again  the  biggest  pusher  for  #nobodieshavehearts  ,  it’s  like  “  oh  that’s  depressing  ”  &  like  .  a  mess  .

idk  what  else  to  say  for  this  besides  he  was  really  great  at  recon  &  apparently  was  a  keyblade  wielder  in  the  past  !  which  subsequently  makes  me  emo  on  main  bc  he’s  really  out  here  like  lmao  nah  that’s  ...  it’s  cool  bt  like  hm  idk  sounds  like  kinda  fake  u  know

again  fuck  canon  if  it  does  u  know  what

AFTER  CASTLE  TOWN.

where  do  i  begin  ,  chapter  2

now  myde  is  actually  my  hc  somebody  name  for  demyx  so  like  going  off  that  it  technically  is  his  real  first  name  ....  he  just  doesn’t  know  that  bc  although  he  survived  this  ,  he  didn’t  uh  really  remember  his  old  somebody  life  so  like  lmao  fuck  all  honestly  this  life  could  be  his  real  life  for  all  he  knows

except  he  does  know  it  isn’t

so  like  he’s  ??  more  of  a  somebody  in  castle  town  opposed  to  a  nobody  meaning  he  !  has  a  whole  fucken  heart  now  !  although  because  his  eyes  are  still  indeed  gold  ,  he’s  kinda  like  well  shit  is  old  man  xehanort  still  in  there  too

anyway  myde  lu  ..  my  son  ...  the  memories  of  castle  town  life  are  .  something  else  .  he  grew  up  with  a  single  mother  who  worked  odd  jobs  here  and  there  struggling  to  make  money  to  provide  .  so  while  demyx  is  like  ah  fuck  working  i  don’t  wanna  fucken  do  this  ,  he  got  two  part  time  jobs  the  moment  he  could  to  help  her  out  .  because  even  if  she  isn’t  his  real  mother  ,  it’s  ???  really  nice  to  have  someone  caring  ab  him  :/

he  rooms  with  neko  /  noriko  now  because  an  ad  on  craigslist  bt  he  still  sends  some  of  his  paychecks  &  like  whatever  money  cut  he  gets  from  the  troubvdours  (  also  ,  ironically  from  a  fucken  craigslist  ad  !  )  etc  to  castle  town  mom  bc  honestly  life  in  castle  town  has  kinda  uh  .  made  him  like  .  wow  wait  fuck  haha  oh  man  i  actually  ????  i  can’t  just  nap  and  play  music  and  do  whatever  i  want  ??????  like  i  mean  he  still  does  bt  castle  town  memories  /  the  life  he  was  forced  into  here  made  him  arguably  more  responsible  even  though  he  is  still  a  little  shit  and  completely  at  the  same  time  not  that  responsible  in  the  slightest

it’s  like  .  fake  getting  ur  life  together

idk  he  doesn’t  like  all  the  work  like  he’s  exhausted  bt  it’s  paired  simultaneously  with  he  ?  kinda  also  doesn’t  mind  it  solely  bc  there’s  like  ,,  a  benefit  from  it  ?  like  with  the  two  part  time  jobs  (  which  one  is  being  a  music  instructor  like  i  feel  as  if  he  doesn’t  consider  that  one  much  of  a  job  bc  he  gets  to  play  music  !!  )  it’s  being  able  to  help  the  poor  soul  who  got  stuck  as  his  ‘  caretaker  ’  KKDKWJSJSJ  and  with  the  band  it’s  .  bc  he  is  passionate  ab  music  and  again  although  exhausting  he  loves  to  do  it

boy’s  chaotic  neutral  as  always  bt  i  suppose  castle  town  is  bringing  out  those  hidden  good  tendencies

hmm  he  is  forever  bitter  ab  the  fact  he  didn’t  get  his  sitar  tho  ....  what  the  fuck  is  he  gonna  do  w  his  stupid  organization  cloak  huh  ?  my  god  

so  he  picked  up  rhythm  guitar  bc  it’s  like  .  the  closest  thing  without  getting  an  ACTUAL  sitar  ,  because  !  arpeggios  is  actually  a  rhythm  technique  &  that’s  what  his  sitar  is  named  so  ....  food  for  thought  i  suppose  .  plus  this  world’s  sitar  isn’t  the  same  anyway  :/

despite  being  natural  blond  in  game  etc  i’m  making  the  executive  decision  to  say  he  was  given  naturally  dark  hair  in  CT  &  now  has  to  keep  bleaching  /  dying  his  hair  blond  bc  ....  he  does  not  think  he  suits  black  hair  .  nor  does  he  want  to  .  it  reminds  him  too  much  of  like  idk  xigbar  or  vanitas  or  whatever  with  the  dark  hair  +  gold  eye  combo  u  feel  JDWJJSJSNS

he  dated  isolde  in  CT  &  honestly  i  suggested  it  to  bloom  as  a  crackship  bc  haha  different  bt  then  it  got  really  soft  and  really  emo  so  here  we  are  .  they  close  tho  now  still  &  she’s  the  only  person  he’s  opened  up  to  ab  his  real  life  /  the  organization  so  far  !!

he  is  bi  :/  and  sad  :/  bt  honestly  mood  ,  i  say  as  i’m  pan  not  bi  bt  whatever  :/  

anyway  part  500000  ,  he  sleeps  at  the  library  sometimes  bc  big  gay  still  for  ienzo  and  likes  to  really  just  hang  around  them  bc  he  wants  them  to  remember  being  zexion  ....  &  well  .  more  selfishly  he  wants  them  to  remember  him  bt  like  y  a  h

+  for  the  fact  i  have  not  really  mentioned  it  :  he  still  loves  water  iskaksns  catch  him  like  .  chillin  in  his  bathtub  for  hours  like  bitch  stop  wasting  water  and  the  water  is  FREEZING  by  the  time  he  does  decide  he  is  finished  .  he  misses  his  water  abilities  ok  .  he  can  probably  like  move  stuff  a  little  bit  here  and  there  bt  it’s  Nothing  like  before  :/  yeah  .

idk  what  else  this  is  a  mess  !!  please  plot  with  me  tho  uwu  xoxo

[pcnaks-blog]

— bitches rly be an admin n be posting their intro almost a week late w their blog not even done yet.. it’s me, i’m bitches ! DKGJDG hello my luvs i’m tien (she/her, 7teen, cst) n i am a 100% a hot mess pls don’t look at my blog pretend there’s a cute theme i literally made this 2 mins ago haha xx if i’m gonna be honest this intro is gonna be messy i literally have nothing planned out i usually just have a vague idea of my charas n then just go along w it n see how they end up in the rp KDJGGDJDGJ but anyways here she is ladies ,, buckle up !

— red lipstick imprints on coffee mugs, old scripts with messy annotations all over, leather-bound agendas, late nights on sets, ink smudged blouses.

( LALISA MANOBAN, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER, MUSE G ) did i just see NINA PANAK touching down in italy ? rumor has it this 22 year old PUBLICIST/PRODUCER is on their way to reunite with the brat pack. 

˚✧ ╱  BACKGROUND !

nina was born to two incredibly high-profile actors. her parents are the pride of thailand, both starting out as small actors in non-credited roles to becoming one of the highest-paying thai actors by the time they were in their twenties. her mom’s career started with modeling and beauty pageants where she first caught the attention of some important industry people and eventually ventured out into acting. after landing the starring roles in what would turn out to be a huge box-office success, the two actors were ultimately catapulted into stardom and became household names. they were like the leonardo dicaprio and kate winslet of thailand, with millions of fans always rooting that there was something more to that onscreen chemistry than just acting and rooting for the two to eventually get together in real life. after five years with continuous denial of any relationship rumors, they finally announced their relationship to the world with engagement news. it was like the type of romance you’d see only in films — two young starlets falling in love behind the scenes to become thailand’s golden, power couple ! after much anticipation from the public, their first-born daughter nina panak was born not too long after their wedding.

before nina was even born, there were already countless of people anticipating what the child of the power couple would turn out to be like. forums and gossip blogs online spent endless of hours speculating and debating her future and what she had to live up to. many believed and hoped she’d turn out to be an oscar-winning star and act in movies just as her parents had, many wondered if she would even be able to fill in their footsteps or if she’d always be in their shadow ? from the moment nina was welcomed into the world, a heavy load of expectations and pressure were put on her shoulders from the start. she was born during the height of her parents’ fame and success, which made it difficult as the first decade of her life she’d spend more time with nannies and people who were paid to take care of her rather than her own parents. as her parents continued to build their careers, venturing out into hollywood films and quickly gaining popularity and fans all around the world (very much like priyanka chopra and deepika padukone) — nina was learning how to walk and getting potty-trained by herself in their billion dollar mansion. 

though her parents were absent from her upbringing in much of her early years, they tried to make up for that later on by attempting to spend more time with her despite their packed schedules and often bringing her to the sets of their film. there, her interest in film and producing first sparked as she watched the entire process and saw how the magic of films came together before her very eyes. 

despite that, she always tried to push those thoughts and interests to the back of her head — wanting to focus on an acting career rather than a technical one to make her parents proud and to satisfy the public’s pre-established image of her. by the time she was in her teen’s, she was actively soughing out roles in tv dramas, going to auditions whenever she can to try and land any role that would jumpstart her career as her parents’ had at that age. her parents would use their connections to get her small roles in films and shows, but nina never got whatever acting gene that her parents had. she was a terrible actor, and was heavily criticized for each and every role she managed to play. eventually she gave up on acting, making many headlines and always leaving gossip blogs to speculate about her future — “nina panak quits acting ?!?!” “nina panak to become another celebrity kid with no talents ?” “click to read more about how [dad’s name here bc i havent decided] panak disowns his daughter, nina panak, after her failed acting career !”

during this time, the relationship between the power couple the media had loved so much had gone sour — much to everyone’s dismay. the day before, she was celebrating her parents’ anniversary with her parents and the rest of the world at their annual party, a party big enough to compare to the parties gatsby would throw in celebration of the day her parents first met each other on set. the next morning, nina woke up to endless headlines and pictures of her mom caught kissing another man off set — a much younger costar she had been working with over the past year for her new film. 

it doesn’t take much to guess what happened after that. her dad was filing divorce papers before she knew it — and their divorce case blew up to be a huge court battle as they argued about alimony and the division of their assets for months. 

after the divorce, nina soured as well. she put on a tougher image and hardened her shell as she put herself back out into the world — refusing to let her parents’ legacy and reputation be the only thing she had tied to her name. 

eventually nina ventured out to smaller jobs behind the scenes, and with the help of a close friend, landed a job as the publicist of a rising star. there, she managed the career of tomo katsumura for years meanwhile finally pursuing her interests in film-making and producing. before she knew it, she was being credited as the executive producer of many box-office hits. rather than being the one to fetch people coffee in the morning, she was directing and ordering hundreds of people around each day and bringing her artistic vision to the screen at the ripe age of 19 — leaving hollywood to ponder in awe about her newfound love and talent in film-making. soon enough, those negative headlines about her soon became headlines praising her for being the youngest executive producer in hollywood, with countless of directors and managers wanting to sign her on and work with her in their next project. 

˚✧ ╱  PERSONALITY !

ok now that u guys know her background and history/family, it’s time to know more about nina herself ! i’m gonna be rly brief w this n just try to condense this as much as i can bc u guys just had to read thru like paragraphs so ima make this easier for all of us KJDGJKDG

nina is very much like a hbic type character, she’s very independent, very powerful n can at times be manipulative if that gets her what she wants

her parents weren’t around much for her emotionally as a kid, so she basically always had to depend on herself n basically raised herself hence why she’s so guarded and has such a tough exterior

she doesn’t let her guard down easily, n even though she can be very mean n cold .. if u mean a lot to her n she trusts u she will do whatever it takes to protect n care for u

ok i would write more but i gotta go now so KGDJGDKJD this is basically nina in a nutshell ! i will make a stats page for her soon so stay tuned x but this is her pinterest right here 

pls plot w me i will message all of u very soon when i get home !!!!

[carpenoctemarts]

Witchy wanderer altar (Step by step) #CreativeUpcycling

Yeah that’s for the little pagan sparkle of soul within you <3

I’ve filmed (uploading rightnow) a complete tour of my handmade from Z. Wanderer Altar. Meanwhile i do adapt this step by step which i initially shared with a forum, and i thought it could very well please a larger group because of the upcycling notion.

This complete tour (yes even inside the drawers, you kids ! ) consists in sharing what i did, how i did, for what need, so that if you’re a creative soul too, with a connexion to nature and/or the universe, or “putHereYourOwnBelief” guys, embark the journey of creative upcycling ! Anyways, you can adapt to your path, tools, ressources, and taste, i’m just here to resend sparkles of inspiration & hope for the best :D

So i called it an “altar” but let me clarify why. I’m not a religious person at all, really, i’m definitelly into quantum physics and experiments or theories when i wonder about something, and the universe sends me (litterally) weird experiences opening even mooooore arborescent questions haha ! Do you know that feeling ? like “ Yeah, funny joke, well played Universe... well played ! “

So my perception is really a big equation of connected dots, made out of experiences, brillant ppl’s very “truth” sounding theories (follow your guts, it’s your path), about so many various subjects. I was born with too many questions and that so F. Frustrating feeling to have lost a tremendous knowledge that couldn’t retrieve in a whole life. so i constantly watch docs, read, take notes, connect the dots. #Truthseekingbookworm...

So as i say, i don’t properly need some god/goddesses/deities/archetypes/spirits/anthropomorphisations of actually vibes, frequencies that i can rely on, connect to, at any time, from within me. I created statues i Think it’s both for aesthetism and i’m very attached to the celtic culture, i spent parts of my life as a kid in french britany among the standing stones and feel rooted there for ever. Among natural reasons i feel drawn to : I actually live in a city built on an ancient Meldes tribe site the romanised gauls named “thorianicus”, it’s close to paris by a river that was worshiped by gauls (french celts) and re-named in latin by the romans “dea matrona” meaning “mother goddess”. Modern french name became “La Marne” sadly we lost the real name. But a part of her is probably inspiring me for the nayade hidden in the tree branches ;)

This small universe in a nutshell box came out to be actually my everyday, but on the go #TheEndIsNear ... temple ? tabernacle. I Bet that if i die it will become one, and that shit will be haunted XD

I’ve always spoken “to the universe” since i was a kid, from anywhere, from inside, bc. it is inside of each of us. So basically, no need to have that box but now i feel attached to it ! It's not perfect but made out of scraps so i absolutely wouldn't change for a readymade fancy stuff, i put all my soul into that like any artistic work. So i share too, may some elements inspire you too !

Yes it took me a while but totally worth it. Thanks to:  

1.what I had around. Matters may inspire you a lot. when i see scraps i see a potential, try to search around with that perspective.

2. What Carlos’s shoes polish box inspired me, in this video from Olivia’s channel @thewitchofwonderlust ---> https://youtu.be/E_y6SERJQSs )

3. What you wonderers & wanderers altars inspired to me+ maybe whatever creative guide i channeled, who knows ? :p

4. my own needs, like basic essential oils to cure basic “bobology”, my little tresaures like family link and talismans, crystals, tarots, pendulum, a space for cleaning salt box, cauldron to burn things, herbs, resines... make my own inks for drawings, a space to stock symbols of elements like water and earth, to keep me connected, rooted the old way. + some hooks for samples of herbs so i can let them dry while on a trip ... well you’ll have to adapt yours depending on your needs ! :)

well for my experience, it gave this (not that heavy) cabinet and I absolutely adore it.

5. "Chance"....or, is it ?

Il n'y a pas de hasard, Balthazar !

Its dimensions : while open each box is 30 cm high x 10.5 deep x 19 cm large. Closed it's a 30 x 21 x 20 box.

(video link will be edited here, come back later folks, follow the trail !)

Here I gathered a few pics that I took during the process, for those temeraire people who feel they can take the same path 😅 And welcome to my Atelier!

Basic stuff i used for the basic boxes assemblage (like reused fruit boxes + a rough wood jewellery box fitting in the big boxes -> i reused the metal parts onto the big box, the mirror as a shelf and cases as a crystals drawer. the top part became the front board of two small cardboard drawers inside, you'll see later)

Measures -> cutting a spare thin (and light) wood board to fit around the fruit cagettes

Gluegun is my bestie ! Reinforcing the hinges with a fabric strong ribbon, filling all the holes with glue like a gross job really, but it will be strong :

Sanding angles to have a smoother aspect on the shelves

Being careful to remove some sticking out traps :s

putting nails to reinforce the outer structure + sanding all edges :

Before painting it in a very dark "ardoise" grey, only one layer so it looks odd&old. I may sand it a while in the end to make it look older, i'll see. I don't want it too steampunk. Maybe just a little authentic shabby boho type o'shit. I kind of oscilate btw my gypsy and my goth generation side XD  Goth saves the Cube ! *bats dramatically flying all over*

(i changed the locker since)

You saw that type of rough nails ? i like it.

here i added (left side) 2 dollar store cardboard boxes that fited nicely including the size of the thin layer in btw, to guide the 2 drawers (lucky me) but use whatever you have and adapt, it's the key. If you don't find anything, build it (see my all wooden box on the right) just gluegun and scraps, sanded the excedent and it fits fine.

detail of the in btwn scraps of wood to guide the drawers, gluegun job :

Here i used wood scrap + glued upcycled leather with rivet buttons (old jacket sewed borders and rivets + table”cloth” made of transparent vynile) to close the papers/carnet pocket but keep a possiibility to stuck a visualisation card of mine to help meditation focus possibly. Wood scraps are here to create a depht to the pocket, up and down the square :

Meanwhile, sculpting/modeling my treetrones/shelves/deco/pagan wibbly wobbly

Meanwhile, also doing a cauldron out of remaining clay, (recycling a metalic succulent pot by the way) including binded protective and empowering runes blablahblah

Then i added a typical Horned or green god/cernnunos/male solar yang god principle loved inside the feminine tree & a Triple feminine lunar yin archetype within the male tree

Acrylic painting, dry paint, no water (clay will absorb it). Used an army green and black as an underlayer, then i added old gold touches as a patine and contrasted theblack areas and that's it.

Added a led copper garland to bring the light anywhere with the box and i’m done :)

Here we are, hope you guys liked the tour :)

My next adventure will probably be an apothecary cabinet since i need a space for my essential oils and wax and herbs ...