#passive language

[starksh]

“I don’t mind” can cost more than you think. 🧠 Learn why passive language might be hurting your confidence. #SpeakUp #EmotionalWellness #MindsetMatters

[contradictorypenguin]

I had a dream last night that I was trying to translate something into Italian and I discovered that Google Translate had added several languages that weren't,,, actually languages?

Like they had one called 'Neurotypical' that took cryptic double-meanings and made them straight-forward, and they had one called 'Corporate' that translated bureaucratic bullshit into plain words, but the one that I remember most clearly was called 'Passive-Aggressive Asshole,' and it looked like this -

In the dream I also put in "You're so welcome" and it translated it to "You'd better be grateful, you fuck."

[mikeyisbrooklyn]

Okay wait I was gonna just reblog this as per usual but I want to add

CNN using slightly less passive language is…shocking to say the least. Like don’t get me wrong, it’s still not nearly as assertive as it should be, but still outright saying Isntreal shot and killed these three hostages is a lot better than some of the shit we’ve gotten over the last couple of months.

Hell, it’s a deviation from the IDF’s own reporting:

“as a result”, “fired toward them”, and “were killed”. All of this is incredibly passive and removed, almost as if it all happened by some mystical influence or random occurrence. So for CNN to deviate enough away to (rightfully) outright assign the deaths to the IDF… idk man I think Isntreal is losing the PR war more and more as days pass. I don’t want to get my hopes up until Palestine is fully free but it’s a noticeable shift in language, even if only small

Israel mistook three hostages for Palestinian civilians and killed them.

Israel killed 20,000 civilians and counting. I wonder how many Palestinians of these 20,000 killed will make it on the front page of CNN, or any news outlet for that matter.

[technically-human]

We're drawing the idiots with traditional clothing from our countries? hell yeah, here's stobotnik as Argentinian gauchos!

Plus a very normal and not at all unhinged rant about mate (the thing they're drinking) in the tags.

[genericpuff]

For the sake of comedy, I redrew this iconic S1 panel in the S3 style. Better or worse? 💀😆 /s

edit: because i've gotten comments on both this post and the one i shared in the subreddit that seem to misinterpret why i made this, y'all this is meant to be satire, i'm not actually trying to 'outdo' the original panel, it's supposed to look like the S3 art style which looks boring and stiff compared to the original LMAO (I even used S3 panels as the base to work off of when creating this) so yes all the issues with the redrawn version are on purpose, i'm well aware it's not as good as the original and that the anatomy is wack, that just tells me i succeeded because it's p much exactly what S3 of LO looks like JFKDLAJFDASKLJKASLD

[mollysunder]

Orianna's inclusion in Arcane really drives how the show depicted Piltover as passive as possible instead of the active agent of misery it was in the original lore (or at least by comparison). In Orianna's OG lore, she was dying because she chose to bravely help Zaunites that were caught in a large chemical disaster after an explosion either brought on by the poor conditions of Zaun or it's general structural instability (or both) broke a gas line that released dangerous fumes that destroyed her lungs in short order as she helped others breathe.

In Arcane, it's no longer important how she got sick because both her agency and affect on the world around her are irrelevant. Orianna's just a dying little girl that the audience will automatically sympathize with because she's a dying little girl (who's dad is Singed). In her place, it's Viktor who's sickened (offscreen) by the Fissure gasses instead of being victimized by Piltover Academy when the instution sides with the Piltovan professor that stole his work.

It's in the same vein as how in Arcane the ones who take those closest to Ekko aren't Piltovans working his parents for 12+ hour shifts or just straight up killing his friends like Ajuna. It's other Zaunites like Silco and Jinx that are the prime source of his misery as they murder his friends to his face. You can even argue this goes for Vi and Jinx's story because while they do say that the enforcers killed their parents neither can articulate it was the Council that sent them there in the first place!

[reyrapidsbutgayer]

Ranking all Elden Ring Base Game NPCs by Fuckability. PART 4 of 4 THE TOP 10 MOST FUCKABLE

Why are we here just to suffer? Tumblr has a 30 image limit and there are 91 characters to get through. Don't blame me, blame @azothinc

[PART 1 (91-66) | PART 2 (65-37) | PART 3 (36-11) | PART 4 (Top 10)]

Time for the top 10 finalists, place your last bets now. I think it's obvious what my preferences are.

#10: Millicent

Pros: Badass Valkyrie warrior woman. Cons: Is rotting a little, but not a deal breaker

Reasoning: What is there to say? She's cool, she's tough, she's honorable, she has the pride to hold onto herself even in death. She fights by our side, she sees us an equal. She has just a hint of crazy in her, but not enough to end up killing me. She's like a travel sized Melania but less likely to stab me with anything I don't consent to being stabbed with. Peak lesbian warrior woman, I am down on my knees for her. For sexual purposes? To propose? Why not both?

#9: Iron Fist Alexander

Pros: Perfection personified. Cons: Technically not fuckable.

Reasoning: I don't think Alexander is capable of sex. When it comes to livign Jar biology, the clay seems to be their actual body. The innards are kinda incidental. They can seemingly removed and add them as they see fit, and can exist just fine without them.

Alexander wouldn't want to engage in sex even if offered. He'd probably laugh and say something like "Ah ha! I've heard of this sort of thing between you and your compatriots. A melding of flesh and emotion as it were? Ha ha! Not unlike our innards I bet! I wouldn't bother with such behavior, it's unbecoming of a warrior such as I. Besides, that kind of melding seems to be far less permanent than ours."

However, I am certain that he would let me fuck someone else inside him. He wouldn't even bat an eye, he'd just enjoy the experience of two warriors bonding inside him. "Quite a display of trust to include me in such an intimate little tarry! Hah ha! How wondrous!"

#8: Lunar Princess Ranni

Pros: Mean Sexy Evil Witch Lady Who Kills God Cons: "Are we the baddies?"

Reasoning: I didn't want Ranni to end up this high on the list. She technically can't have sex since she is a doll puppet, and doesn't seem particularly interested anyway.

But I mean... she's the daughter of Radagon and Rennala, two of the horniest most bisexual characters in the entire FromSoft catalogue. (only surpassed by Marika, who is also Radagon.)

If she was in her original red-haired 8 foot tall body, she would literally clench and rip your dick off in a millisecond. She'd bend you over and fuck you so hard your spine would be curled into a pretzel.

No matter how fuckable she was in the past, we have to come to terms with the fact that she is pretty evil. She gets a lot of innocent people killed in her "ends justify the means" methodology. (Her means are pretty good, I mean, killing the Greater Will benefits literally everybody.) But we can't overlook just how many innocents she tramples underfoot. She allies with Rykrad, abuses Albinaurics, and creates the Deathblight plague in her attempt to escape her fate.

It's gonna happen, she's gonna rearrange your guts like an origami calendar no matter what you do. So you might as well steer into the skid.

#7: Fia, The Deathbed Companion

Pros: Enjoys some good warm, lifely vigour Cons: Skeleton Skeleton Skeleton Skeleton Skeleton

Reasoning: Fia is rather complex. She supports the downtrodden, cares for those who need her, and seeks to reshape the word into a kinder place...

But she is also full of bugs. And skeletons. And the lifely vigour of many champions. And you are next.

She is a huge creep, but she fucks so good she brings back the dead. You are legally obligated to obey her and partake in the sweet nectar of the Baldachin Blessing at least once before you become a skeleton, even if it results in you becoming a skeleton way faster than anticipated.

#6: Latenna the Albinauric

Pros: Loyal Companion, Loves Dogs Cons: None, don't you dare say otherwise.

Reasoning: Weirdly enough, Latenna won out against a LOT of other NPCs. She's just a good person with genuinely no faults. Is that boring? Or marriage material? I know my answer. She hates Gideon, she loves dogs, she wants to put a birthing droplet (cum) in Phillia. We have so much in common it's crazy.

#5: Rennala, Queen of the Fullmoon

art credit: @chaospyromancy https://www.tumblr.com/chaospyromancy/679194108441608192/rennala-took-the-dog-in-the-divorce?source=share

Pros: Giant depressed bisexual witch lady Cons: Extremely Divorced

Reasoning: Rennala is the poster child for sexual prowess in the Land's Between. Literally the only feasible way for Radagon to trade up was to marry himself. She can rip a hole in a man's bussy from 50 meters away, and that's WHILE she is depressed.

In her prime, there wouldn't even be a list, because she would have fucked everyone else to death already.

#4: Sorceress Sellen

Pros: Mean, Heretic, Creepy, Crazy Cons: Mean, Heretic, Creepy, Crazy

Reasoning: I really didn't expect her to get this high in the rankings. Sellen is mean, she has committed war crimes, she probably holds the same racist beliefs towards albinaurics and misbegotten that the rest of the Carians do, and she made me kill an old man in silly pants.

But I can't say no to her. Could you? My fist has been inside her soul, that's a bond you can't break even after being smashed into a giant ball of screaming mages.

She is the toxic ex who keeps hitting you up whenever your life is finally back on track, only to ruin it the moment she leaves your bedroom. And you'd do it again happily, no matter how many times it happens.

#3: Patches

Pros: He's Patches Cons: He's Patches

Reasoning: There was originally a different NPC for #3, but Patches stole the position, sorry about that.

Even still, you are already fucking Elden Ring characters. You aren't a real fan if you don't make an exception for him. He's slightly below average in terms of sexual prowess, but I mean... You have to try it out at least once.

#2: Nepheli Loux

Pros: Everything Cons: Nothing

Reasoning: Nepheli is the most morally upstanding character in Elden Ring. She fights for the little guy, she questions her own morals, she tells Gideon to go blow himself, she apologizes to her enemies, she upholds the values and traditions of a vanished civilization.

Plus she is fucking ripped, and is as close to banging Hoarah Loux you can get while managing to survive afterwards. There are more compelling characters, more dangerous characters with more dynamic sexual aspects, but Nepheli has literally no drawbacks as a partner. She's more of a hero than the player is, and that's honestly a sexier quality than most people give it credit for.

Is she is a little bit sad? You fool, you absolute fool. Give her a bird and she will come back as a fucking Queen of an entire kingdom.

She's the #1 sexiest Elden Ring Character for a reason. If given the choice between every other NPC, she is the obvious choice and always-

what do you mean I miscounted? She isn't #1? Well the. who the hell is?

#1: Miriel, Pastor of Vows

Pros: Turtle Pope Cons: Not even gonna consider any.

Reasoning: Not even in a sexual way. He's ascended beyond the need for sex.

But he is our pastor, and all of the NPCs I marry on this list will be officiated by this Turtle. And the consummation of all those marriages will also occur directly in front of him at his request. "All things yearn to be conjoined" indeed.

Rapid-fire list of all the NPC's I'd actually want to marry:

Nepheli Loux

Latenna

Millicent

Yura

Boggart

Melina

Diallos

Blaidd

Roderika

(all of the Valkyrie sisters)

Rogier

Rya

Kalé

Hewg

Boc

Thops

I've noticed that this list was definitely influenced more by "are they a good enough person to justify sex" rather than strictly just "are they hot?" I guess it's because I genuinely don't find jerks attractive. That might be a healthy mentality, but then again I also made these posts, so stable mental health isn't really something I can claim with much confidence right now.

And it is finished... I can't believe I wrote all of this (i mean I can, i just don't like it.)

If this gets enough likes and reblogs I'll... I don't know, rank all the spirit summons by how long they would survive squid game, or be able to catch Kira, or which degree they would get if they went community college. I'll figure it out when I figure it out.

<- Part 1 <- Part 2 <- Part 3

[cupidswurld]

the cannibalism girlies would LOVE this

[jennelikejennay]

Passive voice and verbal nouns in Vulcan

I had a question come in the other day and I keep thinking about it, because honestly this is one of the biggest mysteries/pains in the ass about Vulcan. If you want to say that something has been found, for instance, or you want to talk about your findings (that which has been found), the information we have on this is very unclear.

Hold onto your sehlat claw pens, this is gonna be another big 'un.

One thing we do know from the Vulcan grammar is the existence of noun-verb pairs. Every verb has a corresponding noun, we are told, and the formation of these is somewhat regular. Examples include gla-tor, to see, and glan, sight; aitlu, to want, and aitlun, desire; kitau, to write, and kitaya, writing. When the verb has a form ending in -tor, that ending is dropped and sometimes an n is added. When it ends in -au, it changes to -aya. The rest are a little irregular but keep the pattern more or less.

Now what the author of the text isn’t doing is defining what it means for these nouns to be related to these verbs. For the most part, we are seeing an abstract noun for the act of doing whatever the verb is about. So ashau, to love, becomes ashaya, love, the noun. It doesn’t mean a loved one, for instance, which is another way a verb can become a noun. And it’s not a gerund, which would be the act of loving.

We do have gerunds explained, as well as present participles, here. A gerund is when you turn a verb directly into a noun. For instance, Swimming is something I do on Fridays. I like eating cake.

From the grammar, it’s clear that the creator considers the nouns that go with the verbs to be different from the gerund forms. This is true in English as well. We have a noun sight as well as a gerund seeing. I assume the distinction here is that the former is more abstract, the concept of seeing rather than the immediate act of seeing.

Neither is quite the kind of verbal noun I was looking for the other day, where I wanted to talk about the thing that receives the action of the verb, in that case, that which has been won. For instance, in English we can say sight, meaning the faculty of being able to see, but we can also say sight, as in, something that you can or did see. I went around and saw the sights.

We have a few different ways to say that kind of thing in English. For instance, communication can mean the abstract idea of communicating, but it can also be the thing communicated, as in, I just received a communication from Command. Other times, we might use the gerund. I did the washing. I brought home my earnings. In fact, sometimes I think these -aya nouns are being used this way. For instance, khrasaya means both the act of ejaculation and the substance ejaculated. But you can see, by the fact I had to use that example, that it was a little hard to find one.

Passive verbs

The general idea I wanted to convey is specifically passive. For instance, we have a word for love, but the person who receives that love is called beloved. Something that is done is called a deed. We don’t have a regular way to do that as a noun, but we do have passive adjectives (participles). A broken toy. A beaten egg. A swept floor. A scrambled egg. In English, we don’t generally get to use these adjectives as nouns, though many other languages do. (That’s called a substantive: an adjective used as a noun.) We can’t say “I have a big pile of brokens here.”

To get to passive participles, and thus adjectives or nouns, we’ll need to first understand how Vulcan forms the passive voice. We don’t have a word-of-God explanation for how to make passives or passive participles in the VLI lessons. There was one planned, but it has said “coming soon” for like a decade. So the only way to find out how to make these forms is to dive into the dictionary and find related word pairs.

fai-tor: to know   ~  pufai-tor: known

datau: propel     ~  pudatau: to be propelled

beglanau: to notice    ~  pubeglanau: to be noticed; being perceived or observed

ulidau: to mark   ~   pu'ulidau: to be marked

There are quite a few of these, which suggests to me that the creator fully intended pu- to be the marker of the passive voice.

They’re not always translated the same. Some are translated with a participle, just “known.” And others are translated with a passive verb, such as “to be propelled.” But given the verbs keep their exact verb form intact, I would say that they are passive verbs, not passive participles. So, pufai-tor nash-veh would mean I am known, and you can make all the tense changes just as you would with the regular noun. I don’t think they’re meant to function as adjectives, because the VLD pretty consistently has adjectives end with -k (or just a hyphen when it’s the combining form). You couldn’t just use a verb form as an adjective.

Some of the translations include words like “past simple” or “past tense” but I’m, uh…not entirely sure the author knows what those words mean. That, or (as I suspect sometimes happens in the VLD) they grabbed the dictionary definition of “held” or “fried” and didn’t think to distinguish the past tense meaning of those words and the passive voice meaning of those words. After all, as English speakers, we don’t often think of the difference; they usually look and sound the same. But the past tense in Vulcan is made with vesht, not with pu, so I really don’t think these are past tense words.

So what if I don’t want to be known, but simply known as an adjective? It’s a little clunky to say, instead of “the beloved mother,” “the mother who is loved” (ko-mekh vi pu’ashau).

You can make an adjective out of any verb, as a present active participle. That’s discussed in the same chapter as gerunds. Basically, you take the gerund form and add -ik. So loving is ashaunik, seeing is glayanik, and so on, in the sense of a loving mother, the all-seeing eye. But these are all active, meaning the action is being done by the word they modify. The one who is loving is the mother. We don’t yet have the beloved mother.

Could we take the pu- form and then put on the participle endings? ko-mekh pu'ashalik? Theoretically you could, but I have never seen this attested once, and we can do better than that.

-alik

Now a Vulcan scholar I’ve followed on a number of sites has theorized the missing form is -alik, at least for verbs ending in -au. Since the past of ashau is ashal, then to make that a past participle, you just slap on an -ik to make ashalik. But this bugs me because the relationship between past and passive (that the forms are often the same, and that participles that are passive are also considered past tense) is really just an English thing. The actual beloved mother is beloved both in the past and now!

The whole justification that they wrote out for it is in a private group, but I’ll bring out a couple of attested verb/adjective pairs they used to come up with it.

is-tor: to use   ~  isalik: used

thanai: to adopt  ~ thanayalik: adopted

stau: to kill    ~   stalik: killed

Another clue is in kugau: to commit  ~ kugalsu: betrothed, fiancé. Given they are betrothed as children, that strikes me as passive. Assume kugalik, committed. Drop the -ik, as you do when combining adjectives with nouns, and slap on -su, meaning a person, and bam. Person-who-has-been-committed. You could do this with any of the adjectives we're throwing around.

These examples show that it also works with non-au verbs, basically making -l- the marker of a passive, rather than an active, participle. In many cases, the active and passive participle will be identical except for this one letter: glayanik, seeing, glayalik, seen.

Honestly, this is fine. I can use this, and have. Though it gets a little clunky at times, as in "never and always touching and touched," worla eh kwon-sum estuhlanik heh estuhlalik.

But! There are other possibilities, if what we’re doing is digging through the dictionary looking for pairs of related words.

-k, -auk

There’s the simple -k ending. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to find out if this ever attaches to non-au verbs because while I can search the dictionary for -auk, I can’t really search for just -k. Anyway it definitely does happen with -au verbs.

wuvau: to elongate    ~  wuvauk: elongated

abomesau: to invert   ~   abomasauk: inverted, inverse

torvau: to produce, construct   ~  torvauk: product

palikau: to begin   ~   palikauk: first

vashau: to destroy   ~ vashauk: destructive

There are dozens of these, some with more active definitions and some with more passive ones. Destructive suggests one is doing the destroying, whereas product is very clear that it’s the thing that’s produced. But given we do have a VLI-given active participle (the -nik forms) I would be perfectly happy to stick with using -auk for the passive participle. That only leaves us wondering how to attach that to a verb that doesn’t end in -au. I would probably try slapping a k on a verb stem ending in a vowel, and -uk if it ends in a consonant. But that’s perhaps more of a stretch.

-ai, -aik

I really favor -ai, though it’s not as well attested, for a past participle used as a noun. I just like it.

tor: to do   ~   torai: deed, action

kloshah: to behave   ~  kloshai: behavior

tenah: to blame  ~  tenai: blame (n)

dva-tor: to believe  ~   dvatai: doctrine

prah: to acquire   ~   prai: acquisition

mah-tor: to strike or hammer   ~  mahtai: seizure

Perhaps this was meant as the way to make words into passive participles if they have less regular endings, especially -ah. To make it an adjective, I assume you’d add -k, resulting in a word ending in -aik, which in fact describes tons of adjectives which might or might not be passive participles.

hesha: fold   ~  heshaik: pleated

kaula: to prevent from being included   ~  kaulaik: excepting

tor: do, act   ~   sahr-toraik: fast-acting

Miscellaneous other options

And here are some other pairs from which ideas can perhaps be extracted.

pinkau: to earn   ~  pinkaunu: earnings.   This one may be a direct translation, putting pinkau in the gerund form and then slapping the rare -u plural ending on it. But perhaps this same process can be done with other verbs.

sadakh: to eject   ~  sadakh-tukh: ejecta.   Here they’ve simply called it eject-stuff. Respect. It’s the stuff that is ejected. Why not.

And with fai-tor, to know, we have several derivatives:

fainu: something that is known. Just like pinkaunu from above!

fai-tukh: knowledge. Know-stuff.

pufai-tor: known, generally acknowledged. The passive voice from earlier.

To sum up!

Here are the ways I’ve found to make passive verbs, passive participles, and substantive passive participles (participles acting as nouns).

noun forms in -n and -aya, as in lesson 4. These nouns generally mean an abstract action, but at times they are also used to mean the result of that action. See khrasaya: ejaculate, substance containing sperm, and zhipenaya: abbreviation, the shortened form of a word or phrase.

pu- as a prefix directly on the verb. This is well-attested and I think it would have been included in the grammar if they’d gotten to that part. But I will interpret on my own that this is supposed to be a passive verb, not a participle. To be known, to be seen, etc.

-alik: This is not my idea, but I think it’s pretty sound. We have ashalik, beloved, and thanayalik, adopted. It may require a little fussing to make the ending stick to the verb, like how an i has changed to a y in thanai/thanayalik.

-auk: This is pretty well-attested on -au (strong) verbs. You simply add a k.

-ai and -aik: -ai is attested as an ending of a noun, roughly a substantive passive participle, in a few verbs with stems ending in -a or -ah and in one with a consonant ending. And -aik is very common for adjectives in the same circumstances.

-nu: this could be the gerund ending, plus -u. I’ve only seen it attested twice, however.

-tukh: This is very slapdash: [verb]-stuff. -tukh is a particle used for almost any substance, such as all the elements. But it works and shouldn’t be misunderstood. If you were dealing with a person, I would use -su instead of -tukh.

So, if you want to say beloved, here are some possibilities: ashaya, pu’ashau, ashalik/ashalsu, ashauk, ashai, ashaunu, ashau-tukh (or, for a person, ashausu). A sight, as in something you see, might be glan, pugla-tor, glayalik, glai/glatai, glanu, gla-tukh. Words ending in -k are adjectives, so you’d have to have a noun to go along with them.

As a Vulcan user, which should you actually pick? It's clear to me that the creator never had this entirely worked out. Either they intended there to be a variety of options, depending on the type of verb or the meaning, or they changed their mind several times. And I think that leaves us free to choose whatever sounds best or seems most elegant for the purpose.

Funny how a messy conlang is like a messy TV show: the more mess, the more work there is to do for the fan creator. It's in the empty spaces that we have the most to work with.

[aeniith]

This translation involves the use of the antipassive. You probably know what a passive voice is. But have you heard of the antipassive?

A passive essentially takes an object of a clause and makes it a subject, for a variety of reasons, including moving the focus, eliminating the need to explicitly state what would be the subject of the active voice version of the clause. So “Namí ate the apricot” would become “The apricot was eaten (by Namí)”

The antipassive essentially does the opposite. It takes a transitive verbal phrase and makes the *object* either disappear or demotes it to an oblique role. So what is necessarily a transitive verb otherwise, like “scare”, becomes intransitive. So it’s a little like saying “Namí has been scaring”. Only in English, that’s not really a good clause, so I translate it as “Namí has been scaring people”. With this indeterminate word, “people”, it doesn’t really matter WHO Namí has been scaring, it’s anyone and everyone who goes down by the river, potentially. The point is Namí and the fact that she’s acting weird.

Languages that have an ergative-absolutive verbal alignment are particular likely to use antipassives. This is because, in this type of alignment, the agent of a transitive and the subject of an intransitive are treated differently (the latter is treated syntactically like the patient of a transitive). Thus, the agent (ergative) gets promoted to absolutive and thus the former patient is demoted and less emphasized. The opposite is true for passive voices—they tend to be common in nominative accusative languages.

Rílin actually uses a split ergative system! So it gets both. :P

[upside-down-sock-drawer]

No because the amount of people up on their high horses about this is genuinely concerning. "Oh but but the CEO has a family he was a person too" and?? He is partially responsible for literally thousands of deaths, and forced chronically and/or terminally people into debt. For what, you ask? For more money to put into his pockets. So please excuse me if I don't have sympathy for that man.

[chicago-geniza]

Just watched a video in Ukrainian and understood all of it because you can literally do that if you speak Russian and Polish. It's crazy how Ukrainian is basically situated at the sweet spot of the Polish/Russian Venn diagram such that if you know two languages you unlock a third language for free. I read the news in Ukrainian most mornings for war updates and I didn't even have to study it or anything. Occasionally I have to look up a word but less often than you'd think and the grammar is totally intuitive

[strawberry-muffin-crisis]

It's not "here here" it's "hear hear". Thank you.

[cherrysnax]

being a black American is. Interesting to say the least because we are both victims and perpetuators of us imperialism, but and there’s a lot of nuance that gets ignored when u try to talk about it in leftist spaces because it makes everyone uncomfortable. it makes me uncomfortable which I why I talk about it so much

[reyrapidsbutgayer]

Ranking all Elden Ring Base Game NPCs by Fuckability. PART 2 of 4

God this post is still going. Tumblr has a 30 image limit and there are 91 characters to get through. Don't blame me, blame @azothinc

[PART 1 (91-66) | PART 2 (65-37) | PART 3 (36-11) | PART 4 (Top 10)]

Buckle up, we are fucking some Elden Ring NPCs.

#65: Brother Corhyn

Reasoning: This is your shitty highschool boyfriend. He's entitled, he's whinny, he's a virgin, he's got a cool older guy who talks about more than his girlfriend. He is a literal banished heretic but he still refuses to acknowledge that his own religion is fake. Even Goldmask could admit to that. Dude has no backbone, and thus no back to blow out.

Pros: Is not an active murderer.

Cons: God the bar is low.

#64: Bloody Finger Ravenmount Assassin

Reasoning: I like his style, and I MIGHT consider a romp or two with him. But even if he isn't directly rolling around in the blood-poop swamp, ya don't wash that stink off easily.

Pros: Is a cool goth dude.

Cons: Is in the blood-poop cult.

#63: Anastasia, Tarnished-Eater

Reasoning: Look... she's a buff mean cannibal lady. Normally thats a free pass, but she culturally appropriates the worst aspects of the Bonny Village Hornsent, and she scams tarnished by dressing up as a maiden and then eating them. By the rules of this hypothetical, she would be willing to bang... but then she'd kill me. I have to to think about this one for a while, because I am still not fully sure if it is worth it. Come back to me on this one.

Pros: She wants to eat me (sexy)

Cons: She wants to eat me (crime)

#62: Castellan Edgar

Pros: Is a normal dude, possibly a decent dad.

Cons: Is kinda crazy, is kinda racist.

#61: Recusant Henricus

Reasoning: If you overlook the whole "enslaved the misbegotten, tortured and killed them, then went crazy and started eating people" thing, he is a normal semi-hot dude.

But ya know... DON'T overlook that.

Reasoning: He's a players first encounter with the Recusants outside of Berhnal, and his fire-hammer has some pizzazz. But he works for the biggest loser in the lands between, disqualified.

Pros: Fights the Erdtree, looks cool.

Cons: Double Agent (sexy) for Gideon Ofnir (not sexy)

#60: D, Beholder of Death

Reasoning: I am not fond of D and his brother. They are hated by the golden order but still work for them, they disrespect my sweet baby boy Rogier, and D ultimately kills Fia, who literally did nothing wrong (except all that stuff she did.) The fact that I want to put MORE armor and clothes on this guy is a BAD sign.

Pros: Is a tortured gothic knight

Cons: Hates to see a girlboss winning.

#59: Magnus the Beast Claw

Reasoning: This guy was added in a patch I am pretty sure has zero lore. He uses the great stars, has a beast motif and uses the clawmark seal, so MAYBE he works with Gurranq, but he is also wearing the ancestral follower armor, uses the redmane skill Lionclaw, AND the pages hood? It's called thematic cohesion dude, get your life together.

Pros: None

Cons: Might be crazy? Has poor fashion souls.

#58: Adan Thief of Fire

Reasoning: I respect Adan for going against the fire guardians, those guys are posers. But he got caught, and he has really poor fashion sense. I might spend an evening in his evergaol, but I won't be spending the whole night.

Pros: Committed Heresy.

Cons: Poor followthrough.

#57: Old Knight Istvan

Reasoning: Here he is, the middle of the list (thematically, not literally) He is a net zero in both sexy and unsexy. He's just a guy. There is possible speculation about his lore, since the scaled armor seems like a stone lizard reference or perhaps a link to Farum Azula, and he uses the dismounter and gravitas, maybe linking him to the Onyx Lords or the Kaiden Bandits...

Pros: Literally just a guy

Cons: Literally just a guy

But i shit you not all items referencing him just call him "Istvan is one of a few wizened Tarnished who survive to this day." So he is old and he is alive. Fantastic characterization.

This list has been very negative because a lot of characters are morally repugnant, so there must be a turning point where the NPCs finally become truly fuckable. So here he is. True Neutral, plain yogurt, unbuttered toast, reaction YouTuber, middle child, outsourced accountant HR rep, Marvel Spinoff, Tech startup, True crime documentary released before there was a guilty verdict, BORING.

He gets one fuck, and THAT'S IT.

#56: Jarwight

Reasoning: If this guy wasn't a mind controlled puppet, he might be interesting. Anyone who is a friend the Jars is a friend of mine... but that doesn't necessarily require nudity. He isn't all there, but he means well. I guess I would have sex with him inside a Jar if we had the Jar's consent ahead of time, I bet he'd be into that.

Pros: Loves the Jars.

Cons: Is a puppet.

#55: Irina

Reasoning: I think in a perfect world, Irina could outgrow the racist and controlling nature of her father. I think she could develop her own identity and unlearn her hatred of the misbegotten. In a perfect world she might be a decent romantic partner for someone willing to walk her through all of that.

Pros: Is a normal woman.

Cons: Is slightly racist.

But this is not a perfect world.

#54: The Tarnished's Maiden

Reasoning: Who was she? She waited for us for so long, and she died with hope in her heart. She left behind a message for us with her dying breath, "Though the path be broken and uncertain, claim your place as Elden Lord!"

Pros: Is loyal, determined, brave and kind.

Cons: Is dead.

She still believed in us until her dying breath. Perhaps she would have walked the path alongside us... perhaps she was a freak and things would have gotten weird, anything could happen in today's economy.

#53: War Counselor Iji

Reasoning: As a certified and board recognized monster-fucker™ I would normally be into big troll men. But Iji is proven wrong by the narrative, and his ego lead to a bunch of assumptions and mistakes that allowed Selevus to interfere, and Blaidd to die. I don't think he's any better in bed than he is in a war room.

Pros: Is a cool wise old Troll.

Cons: Is a bad war counselor.

#52: Old Albus

Reasoning: Weirdly enough, Old Albus made it higher on the list than expected. He's old, his legs are rotting off, his blood is made of quick silver, and he is actively as I write this post, dying. But he's a really nice dude, and a scrappy little survivor to have escaped Gideon's massacre. Plus I trust Latenna, and she vouches for him. I can see myself giving this guy a handjob, and frankly you should too, but be quick about it, he is dying. If we work together we can make it in time, follow my lead.

Pros: Polite

Cons: Currently Dying

#51: D, Hunter of the Dead

Reasoning: I ranked his twin a lot lower because he kills Fia, and serves the same religious order that actively discriminates against him. But D Classic-Flavor™ at least has a bit more pathos about him. He is conflicted about some of his actions, goes out of his way to help us, and seems to have had a moderately nuanced relationship with Rogier at some point. His twin however, is too trigger happy. D has at least the self restraint to let me plow him.

Pros: Is a tortured gothic knight

Cons: Is the reason a girlboss is winning.

#50: THE EVER BRILLIANT GOLDMASK

Reasoning: Look, Goldmask wouldn't normally be this high on anyone's "hear-me-out" list, but out of all the Golden Order followers, literally ONLY Goldmask is willing to make a callout post on his twitter dot com about how Radagon is a bitch ass motherfucker.

Pros: Has the decentcy to admit when he's wrong.

Cons: Is a fanatical zombie.

He has some guts, so I would be fine rearranging his.

#49: Volcano Manor Spirit

Reasoning: Why the fuck is this guy so high on the list? I'll tell you why. He is a Recusant who has the capacity to experience regret. The other Recusants are actually pretty chill, especially with how quickly they forgive you for killing Rykard. But this guy actually forsook his oath to do the right thing. Literally like 2 other people so far on this list had the courage to do that. If he was still alive, I wouldn't kick him out of bed.

Pros: Has a moral code at bare minimum

Cons: Is a ghost.

#48: Vargram the Raging Wolf

Reasoning: Considering how marketable a lot of the "poster" characters are in fromsoft games, You'd think this guy would have more of a presence in the narrative. But he really doesn't. That leaves a lot of his personality up for speculation. He's a tarnished, he works with the roundtable hold, but he also admires the Empyeran's shadows, but also seems aligned with the much cooler Errant Sorcerer Wilhelm, but also seemingly betrayed Wilhem and yet uses the GodSlayer Greatsword from the Godskins and Gloam-eyed-queen?

Pros: Seems Cool

Cons: Seems like a Douche.

He is a bit of an enigma. He could be a really cool badass knight on the ups and downs of a heroes journey, but he could also be a huge dick who probably doesn't have a huge dick.

#47: Moongrum, Carian Knight

Pros: Cool magic knight

Cons: Slightly Racist.

#46: Preceptor Miriam

Reasoning: The Carian Knights are badasses, no one is gonna deny that. They have cool armor, cool weapons, cool battle arts...

But going forward, its gonna be pretty obvious that all Carians are kinda racist... They all kinda hate Albinaurics and passively endorse a lot of the persecution perpetrated by the Golden Order.

Moongrum is still worth it, just don't expect anything longterm. He lacks empathy.

Pros: Librarian GILF

Cons: Coward

#45: Errant Sorcerer Wilhelm

Reasoning: Oddly enough, I kinda like Miriam in concept. Shes an elderly mage who protects a big magic upsidedown library and uses a magic bow and teleportation spells. I think she would be a decent lover, with some nights spent pouring over books with a hot cup of tea, both of us snuggled up under a warm blanket...

But in practice she is an asshole. Get back here, I need you in stabbing/kissing range and you keep vanishing on me. We talked about this Miriam, your intimacy issues are tearing us apart.

Pros: Well meaning, mysterious

Cons: Misguided

#44: Kenneth Haight

Reasoning: There might be a tiny bit more than meets the eye with Wilhelm, he seemingly went against the Roundtable at some point, and has at least a passing (if not condescending) respect for Demi-humans, as evident by his work in the Hermit Village.

But he might be a bit of an idiot, the lore is ambiguous but he was lured into some sort of trap by Vargram, and we don't know enough about their personal drama to properly get in the middle of it all.

Pros: He's a little confused, but he's got the spirit.

Cons: Haughty, slightly racist.

#43: Festing Fingerprint Vyke

Reasoning: It's weird how this guy is equal parts asshole and genuinely chill. He's condescending to the Demi-humans but also attempts to broker peace with them. He is loyal to the Golden Order but is also willing to support those who defy the Order's doctrine. I think he honestly believes in the concept of "royalty", both in the sense of superiority to those without royal blood, but also in the responsibility that is expected from royalty in exchange for that superiority. He even willingly steps aside to let a better ruler than him lead Limgrave into a better future. Plus he is bitchy and shit talks everyone so we can bond over that.

I would grant him succor, oh lord I would grant him succor.

Reasoning: Vyke is an interesting dude. He's essentially the protagonist of Elden Ring who failed right before reaching the endgame. I like how his failure was very human, and very understandable. He still got scammed upsettingly easily, and ended up meeting his fate on the road he took to avoid it. He's probably mad with grief and violent, but I think you could get some hate fucking out of him in the right situation. It'd be pretty hot, even if he cries during and oozes frenzied goop out of his eyes instead of tears.

Pros: Heroic, Crazy (in a hot way.)

Cons: Tragic, Crazy (in a not hot way.)

#42: Vyke's Maiden

Reasoning: What must her pussy game have been like if destroying the whole world was worth keeping it popping? One can only imagine.

Pros: Is worth burning the entire world for.

Cons: Is dead.

#41: Finger Reader Enia

Reasoning: Enia can still get it. She is warm and helpful to the player, she seems to have her wits about her and is eager to assist us on our journey. She might seem like a devout mouthpiece of the Two Fingers, but once they go silent, it seems like she knows more than she is letting on. The way she nudges us toward burning the Erdtree, and the causal way she forgives us for a "cardinal sin" shows that she can make decisions outside the purview of the Two Fingers. Me and her could definitely get a stew going.

Pros: GILF, seems a little impish

Cons: Serves the Golden Order(possibly?)

#40: Sorcerer Thops

Pros: Friendly, Submissive, Breedable.

Cons: A sad sack.

#39: Gurranq, Beast Clergyman

Reasoning: Thops is a diamond in the rough. If you were picking a lover from JUST the normal unproblematic NPCs of Elden Ring, Thops is a decent pick. He supports Sellen even after her defiance of Raya Lucaria, he has reasonable expectations of himself and his abilities. He only asks for 10 runes in exchange for help, and he is eager to prove himself.

But he is definitely a downer, and definitely a bottom.

So you gotta Top Thops.

Reasoning: As stated in my boss fuckabity ranking. Gurrang/Maliketh is HYPOTHETICALLY a sex machine. He has all the necessary monster-fucker monster qualifications, but he is wracked with guilt and self loathing. He is too busy repenting for a sin he didn't commit, and simping for goddess who will never love him back. He's tragic, but just a little too tragic to be worth it.

Pros: Badass Furry Fucklord

Cons: Catholic.

#38: Lionel the Lionhearted

Pros: A well meaning and heroic dude.

Cons: Bit of an Incest kink.

#37: Boc the Golden Seamster

Reasoning: Lionel is a weird guy to try and pin down. Both literally and metaphorically. (You just slide right off his round armor if you try and grab him)

He turned from his holy mission and swore loyalty to Fia, which is a pretty noble endevor considering how much the Golden Order hates her and all those Who Live in Death.

But as I will specify once we get to Fia... you ain't swearing loyalty to Fia without some freaky shit going down in the deathbedroom.

The fact that he is doing weird deathbed companion stuff with someone he sees as a daughter figure is pretty suspect if you think about it.

Pros: My Perfect Little Boy

Cons: He's not emotionally ready for a relationship

Continued in Part 3: ->

Reasoning: Boc is such a nice person. He tries his best, he makes mistakes and keeps going, and he has such a dapper little hat. In a game with so many Lords and Knights and Nobility, it's refreshing to meet a guy whose entire goal is just "I want to learn how to sew."

But he's not in the best headspace to explore sex and relationships. My little buddy needs time and healing. And honestly, once he's ready, he can do so much better than you.

<- Part 1 | Part 4 ->

[damselneedssaving]

Okay so I got this ask earlier, so glad I screenshotted it because when I consulted a few friends about it, they let me know from a different perspective that this wasn't actually meant to be rude at all. I think this anon meant to ask me 'what' is something I don't write for rather than 'which'.

SO SO SO SORRY FOR THE MISUNDERSTANDING!! And for grilling you because I thought you were being mean 😭 I didn't realise you were asking a genuine question. I think you might not be an English speaker, or at least not have it as your first language. Language barriers 😔💔

To answer your question, I don't write anything explicitly NSFW (there's like this mental block that stops me because it's super embarrassing 😭🙏), and my reader will always be female.

Apart from that, I think everything else is fair game? Might not write for a request if I don't particularly like it though, or at least, don't have any clue where to start. This was acc a really respectful ask, so thank you for sending it in!!