#so ive made a decent amount of progress

[haunted-harmonica]

having to write an entire script in three days while visiting family so I can pitch for original drama night next term

[cutecinnamon]

Concurrence IV

{ Concurrence IV: Lost • Levi x Reader }

CW: ⊹₊ MDNI ⊹₊ Pregnancy ⊹₊ Mentions of Punishment ⊹₊ Thoughts of Asking Levi to End Oneself ⊹₊ Levi Cares ⊹₊

:gif from pinterest

• 2.8 word count •

Note: Please read "Concurrence I, II and III" first since this is all a part of a series in order to avoid confusion for the story, you can check my Masterlist pinned at my profile for the links ♡

: Read the previous chapter here: Concurrence III ♡

:dividers by @cafekitsune

Synopsis:

Levi and (y/n) are both starting to get along until insults, blames and harsh rumors started to slowly weigh on her, which ends up to a confrontation with Levi.

PART IV

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"Do you really think the Captain would love someone like you? Someone who is nothing but a piece of trash that he was forced to take care of?"

Upon all the insults, hurtful statements and negativity you heard from the others, that one stood out to you the most.

˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚

You were currently at the mess hall, the same crowded place filled with chatters and lively voices, but then again it is where you are most likely also be targeted by the people who had no entertainment in life but to talk ill of you.

But you didn't mind, since Levi was beside you.

You and Levi were both eating peacefully at a small table, Levi sat down beside you his arms wrapped around you waist, while his warm hand was resting at the top of your now slightly bulging belly.

You were now currently three months in, and you were starting to show, but thanks to the survey corps coat uniform, the thick fabric was doing its best effort to hide your now forming bump.

"You should eat more." Levi stated while looking at you, still the same gaze but his hand was very light and warm on your belly.

It was like a contrast to his demeanor, the way his gestures were very caring and feather light the past few days which was a contrast to his hard and cold gaze that he has been throwing at you and the others.

While lost in your thoughts, you then felt something cold gently pressed to your lips.

Your attention was then brought back by the touch of the spoon with a decent amount of food on it consisting of rice and fish, you then look at Levi.

He was trying spoon feed you which was honestly very surprising and not like him, you thought.

"Huh?" You asked clearly confused, raising an eyebrow.

The impression that Levi honestly gives is someone who would most likely rudely speak and shake your shoulder if you don't agree to what he says,

or at the very least that was how you and the other people see him, but in reality under the walls he had built up that made him appear cold and detached,

He was honestly very caring and gentle, and it was starting to show as he was slowly letting you in.

You opened your mouth and comply, letting him spoon feed you.

Levi stayed silent the whole time, but despite his cold and stern facade, his gestures say otherwise.

˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚

After eating breakfast at the mess hall, Levi went to an important meeting with Hange about the upcoming expeditions and some backup plans incase Titan shifters or the worst case scenario, Marley makes another move.

As you were walking at the hallway towards the room to were your squadmates were staying and currently cleaning just like the Captain ordered.

You were then approached by Floch and two more scouts following him.

"Oh great, he even brought a few audience." you thought.

Despite Levi warning him to back off from his insults with you, he clearly had a tough skull and thick skin not to easily give into it.

"Looks like you're starting to show a bit, if you stare attentively." Floch said, keeping his usual tone of voice.

"Why are you surprised? are you illiterate about human anatomy?" you responded back calmly, you knew he will insult you again which was not new anymore, so you decided to take the first move.

Honestly at this rate your buttons were much more easy to press as your emotions are more heightened due to your progressing pregnancy.

Floch frowns, clearly you pushed a button.

"Stop talking like you're smart, you're just someone who got knocked up, not to mention a traitor." Floch said with a hint of hostility.

"What else are you going to say?" you asked Floch.

at this rate you honestly started to get used to it, as stupid as it may sound you had no choice but to just let it enter your left ear and for his words to leave your other.

"Do you really think the Captain would love someone like you? Someone who is nothing but a piece of trash that he was forced to take care of?" Floch stated laced with firmness, which was below the belt for you.

You felt the statement tug your heartstrings.

"If you have nothing else better to stay then I better get going." you replied, still trying to keep up the calm demeanor that was slowly crumbling.

You then reached the room where your squadmates were very attentively cleaning, making sure every place was spotless just like how the Captain ordered.

˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚

You decided to sweep the floor as Hange told you before when she last checked up on you not to carry too much heavy items and avoid adding too much strain to your body.

Hange has been looking after you, since she was the one knowledgeable with medicine in the regiment, Levi also trusted her a lot than it looks despite them arguing majority of the time about Hange's experiments about titans.

your mind was then again occupied by the insults you heard from the scouts, especially Floch who you sometimes wished Levi really made as Titan feed like he stated, because of his unfiltered mouth.

Armin noticed your attention was not really at the wooden floor you were sweeping, it was somewhere else.

"Hey, (y/n) are you alright?" Armin asked with a hint of concern.

you just gave him a nod, clearly a giveaway you weren't.

You have been with them for a long time now in the squad, they knew you quite well to know also when you're really alright or just putting up a facade for their sake or your natural act of defense to keep things to yourself securely.

"You know, I read from a book before that everyone should avoid stress, especially for a woman who is carrying a child. Its not really healthy." Armin stated softly.

You then looked at him, Armin saw your gaze and the emotions held in it, mostly it expressed sorrow and pain.

It was clear that the insults you heard and tried to ignore for the past few days were also affecting you too.

"You should atleast open up to Captain Levi about this (y/n)" Armin once again softly stated as he placed a hand on your shoulder.

and once again you gave him another nod, but not really considering his suggestion,

its not that you don't want to tell Levi.

You were just scared, that maybe it would only be a burden. Afterall carrying his child won't erase the past.

˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚

You were on your way towards your shared quarter with the Captain, you then heard a commotion inside Levi's office, although it was wrong your curiousity got the best of you and you decided to eavesdrop while peeping at the door keyhole.

"Captain, I don't see anything we are doing wrong. we are just stating facts afterall." Floch firmly said, while a few more scouts next to him just nervously nodded in return.

Levi was about to punch his face beating the crap out of him when Hange stopped him, firmly grabbing his arms as an act to restrain him.

"Levi calm down, beating him won't do any good." Hange stated, her voice was still soft trying to calm the atmosphere inside the Captain's office.

"Let me go Hange, and let me beat the crap out of him." Levi stated firmly laced with anger, as his gaze pierced the scout with tousled auburn hair, who talked back to him.

"Levi I said keep it together." Hange stated with a more convincing and firm tone.

Levi then breaks free from Hange, he then looks at her.

"You clearly told me he and these morons were insulting (y/n) and that I should look after her because she shouldn't be exposed by stress and negative emotions caused by this group of shitty assholes." Levi stated, his voice clearly laced with annoyance and frustration about everything.

Hange sighs, as she pushed her glasses upwards fixing it. she was also getting a bit annoyed with the situation.

"Captain, I don't know why you're making yourself worked up over her. She is an enemy, she is from Marley, The same people responsible for Commander Erwin's death." Floch stated, clearly he was trying to knock off a few senses from Levi forcing his opinion by bringing up Commander Erwin.

You froze when you heard that.

You knew how much Commander Erwin meant to Levi.

You then thought about it, how Floch said Marley was responsible for his death, How you are connected to those responsible people.

"Does Levi view me the same?"

That was another question that drove your mind into spirals.

Honestly you respected Commander Erwin, he was a good leader, a fighter. you never wanted for any of that to happen.

You were also not aware it would, or else you could've done something to prevent it.

Around the time before that incident happened you already started to pour every ounce of loyalty to the scout regiment, despite being a traitor to your own nation.

"But who would believe me", you thought.

You then decided to walk back to your shared quarters, but this time you weren't able to shake off the heaviness in your heart and your shoulders.

˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚

{ Levi's POV }

For the next three days, you decided to keep to yourself.

Levi noticed but he thought giving you privacy was what you needed,

not until he noticed how you looked dejected, how your smile and the sparkles bringing life to your orbs were slowly diminishing again.

He was worried, not only for your sake but the child you were carrying.

He saw how you were appearing more lethargic, how your usual demeanor that emitted nothing but warmth was slowly being replaced by the coldness of the walls you have somehow built the past three days.

Levi found it frustrating, how he let it get to this.

Levi was currently drinking his tea like usual, but his attention was not at the pages of his paperwork that he was flickering almost only skimming through it and not really paying attention to any of those inked letters, words and statements formed.

He was thinking of how to talk to you, he knew you well enough that you won't open up to him.

you were used to keeping everything to yourself, just like him.

You were currently cleaning your shared quarters which he finds even more annoying since he told you to avoid putting to much strain to your body.

but then again, its not like he could stop you since he knew you will be using the "I don't want to be a burden to you Captain." card.

Just as he was about to approach you, you approached him first telling him that you will wash his now empty teacup.

Levi sighs and nods, as he took this opportunity to think about how he will converse with you later on.

He figured he won't let you go to bed or until this was discussed and over.

As you washed the teacup, he decided to continue staring at his paperwork despite his lack of focus to even entertain any of it.

˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚

The peaceful sound of water can be heard coming from the kitchen as you continued to delicately wash Levi's teacup, despite the calm gush of water echoing though the kitchen you mind was a mess, it was very chaotic, it was as if you were stuck in a dark place. Levi was at the living room doing his paperwork.

As you settled the teacup at the wooden cupboard, you saw both yours and Levi's ODM gear located at a wide wooden shelf decorated with a flower vase and colorful books.

It was honestly like a contrast, how can a gear used to eliminate titans and even human's for the sake of the survival of Humanity itself be kept under a vibrant, colorful shelf?

You then thought about the contradicting treatment Levi has gave you, underneath his stern, cold and sometimes harsh demeanor, His gestures and treatment towards you was honestly delicate, caring, and soft.

Despite your reputation.

Your thoughts then wondered back to the conversation you overheard inside Levi's office.

"Captain, I don't know why you're making yourself worked up over her. She is an enemy, she is from Marley, The same people responsible for Commander Erwin's death."

You then thought about the thought that has been consuming you into a pit of darkness for the past three days,

"Does Levi view me the same?"

You knew that until now, that Commander Erwin meant a lot to Levi, he was a close friend to him and Commander Hange.

Before Erwin died, you knew Levi swore he would take down the beast titan, Zeke.

Who was from Marley,

Just like you.

And as if your lost into your own void of nothingness filled with nothing but despair about your very non-idle situation, you took one blade from your ODM gear.

˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚

{ Levi's POV }

(y/n) suddenly approached the Captain whilst holding a blade from her ODM gear which she found was placed across the room a minute ago.

"Captain... please just punish me now... please just end me now..." (y/n) says, her tone devoid of any emotions, only subtle coldness lacing it as she was passing the ODM blade to Levi

He looked at her, his narrowed eyes slightly widens, like it was about to bulge out of his skull.

He had a stunned expression written all over his face.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" He asked, while looking at her, the way he saw her eyes that almost lost the light of hope.

Levi felt something stir in him, it was something foreign to him but at that moment he felt panic, and a feeling of failure.

Failure that he wasn't able to do anything to prevent his partner who was pregnant with his child escape such feelings.

"I know you hate me... I'll always be a traitor in your eyes... even if I- if I try my best to prove my loyalty to you..." (y/n) said in a shaky and downhearted voice as her gaze locks with Levi's gray orbs.

"How did it get to this? wasn't I showing her enough attention and care?" Levi thought to himself as his gaze softens, conveying emotions he never knew existed in him.

Levi shifts his attention towards the growing bump on your belly, you were currently almost in your fourth mark of pregnancy, and Levi felt a storm of emotions starting to explode inside him as he stared at (y/n) who was still holding the ODM blade, pushing it slightly towards him.

He knew everything was probably to much for you.

The rumors, the insults, the blame.

And he wanted nothing more but to reach you with his warmth, pulling you out of the darkness you have secluded yourself into.

not only for your baby, but for your sake.

˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚

Levi accepts the ODM blade but throws it across the room, it made a loud sound as it made contact with the cold floor, enough to snap you out of your thoughts.

"No (y/n) fucking let go of that blade and those bullshit thoughts, look at me. I am not about to kill the mother of my child, do you understand!?"

Levi said sternly, and nothing can mend or break his words.

He then gently wrapped his arms around your body, his warmth enveloping you as a whole, a hint of light returns to your eyes as you realize and thought about what happened. that you reached the peak of bottling everything on your own.

"I'm here (y/n), stop going to a place where I can't reach you." He stated, his voice was soft and very gentle.

Tears started to fall from your eyes as a hint of light and sparkle returned to your orbs, you returned his embrace, and you feel him tighten his.

It was like he was protecting you, from your own thoughts, from your own fears.

That was when you realized he was there all along.

"Levi..." you called out to him, this time without formalities, just his name.

"Yes, I'm here." Levi reassured and stated once more with a firm yet gentle tone.

Taglist: @levislegislation @dontfollowab @3llawrit3s @levitonin @crescentmoontsuki @la1225 @yumii-34 @galactict3a

Hi everyone! I'm sorry if these took a long time since I was occupied by a few law exams since it is my major in college ໒꒰ྀི´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა

Now that its done, I can finally go back to writing again, I already have a draft for Concurrence V,

I do hope you enjoy this part of Concurrence! And if you want to join the taglist for this and my otherworks, please do tell me ♡

I also want to thank everyone for supporting this series, it means a lot to me ♡ ໒꒰ྀིᵔ ᵕ ᵔ ꒱ྀི১

- Cinna

[kibblemode]

do you have a favorite OC to draw + one whose design you're most proud of ? :3 do you have an episode from your episode list that you'd be the most excited to see/flesh out/work on (i like the sound of The Letter & Yours Mine & Mine the most i think) whose relationship means the most to you & why ? do you have a favorite set of siblings to explore ? & can you share anything more on daffodil (i like her design a lot ^.^)

SMILES AUTISTICALLY. numbered 4 convince

1. i think my favorite oc to draw changes every now & again, right now its lenarr ÷) i think for the Longest time it was tix but ive been having weird issues drawing him lately for some reason

2. lenarr is Also my favorite design ive ever made….indie is probably my 2nd best. also i know lenarrs design is good bc in like the 8-9yrs ive had him his design has changed exactly Once and it was pretty minor

3. THIS ONES RLLY FUN…theres a couple i wish were real SO BAD. i think my personal favorite episode is either “the curious case of the computer caper” (funny detective cliche episode) OR “carpe diem” (silly bodyswap cliche episode). for actually plot relevant ones i think “piranha (pt 1&2)” is my favorite its pretty good. s2 in general is some of my best work in my personal opinion.. ALSO. “yours mine & mine” is pretty good too its Definitely important especially regarding tixs character + how he thinks. “the letter” is also one i do think abt a decent amount bc i lovie my cutiepoo boyfailure LOL

4. I THINK THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP at least plotwise is probably lenarr & tix. its REALLY complex especially in s4. its like. it starts out as kind of like a reluctant mentorship but as the story progresses & they both get to know each other better the relationship gets much more involved and way closer, almost to the point that tix almost cares for lenarr like a “son(??)” even if he's too proud to admit it. ofc this changes temporarily when lenarr realizes tixs Actual motives obviously he feels EXTREMELY betrayed & has to work up to trusting him again. also tix & zachs relationship even before theyre dating is really good…

5. for sibling dynamics i think the most interesting one is indie & her brother…its really complicated especially on indies end bc as much as she Wants to be close with her brother again she cant really forgive him for leaving (this wasnt really anyones fault, it was a really hard situation but indie copes with it by just blaming pèpîne). i think my favorite sibling/family dynamic is either tix & daffy (i have a post somewhere explaining why way more in depth here) or griff and his sisters (i didnt put them on the chart bc i just ran out of room LOL, also theyre only in 2 or 3 episodes). i think lenarr & ruben or tix & daffy are definitely the most important plotwise tho

6. DAFFY IS AWESOME i didnt make her my bff did i think in like 2020 or 2021?? i just like tweaked it a bit to match the artstyle. so huge props to him for the idea & the original design (i have pics of his 1st concepts of her ill post them on here 4 u), shes basically the fucking cornerstone of s5…basically shes hydro & merediths daughter & tixs half-sister. tix does NOT like her at first, its basically the same as how a jealous 7 y/o only child feels when they get a new sibling. although he has his reasons to think that, thats explained in the post i linked. on her dads side she has a close like pseudo-familial relationship with his henchmen, and its similar on her moms side too w/ the castle staff but probably to a lesser extent since its a more “professional” environment. shes very sweet & is basically a 4ft tall puppydoggie..also she & tiabi have a more sibling-like relationship despite daffy technically being tiabis aunt. also i think shed look more similar to her mumma when she grows up…

[drawing-myself-in-and2-death]

Trans guys of tumblr

specifically the ones with autism and possible genetic anger issues and on T

I have a shitass dad with shitass reactions to things and I hate his bitchass for affecting me as much as he has

I know some of this is his unregulated autism likely a maladaptive response but it hurt me and it hurt our family

so I've made the concious decision to avoid that where possible

i contain a base amount of rage but have had decent success at controlling and regulating my emotions healthily most of my life but I'm not perfect and do have some rare outbursts

so I, a grown fucking adult am scared of becoming him when I start T because ive heard it can cause increase anger or agression and issues impacting depression response too

I do plan on getting a therapist to help me with this specific issue once I can get access to T [I'm interviewing them while I'm waiting to hear back from the hrt waitlist]

but it's 4am and I'd like someone to tell me it's possible for things to be ok or for T to not make my anger levels increase or to reset my progress I've already made with myself in controlling it

making this a poll cause I'm curious now about how often the anger thing occurs

[hardlypartying]

What’s your favorite Obx season till now?

the first season will always be that™️ bitch, every subsequent season always feels like an effort to get closest to the vibes of s1. everything about it just played homage to the formula so well that it feels like the perfect first season of a tv show. the characters and their dynamics were fun, their chemistry was compelling, the stakes made sense and brought intrigue, the progression (when you suspend your disbelief) still made sense and there was some effort of being earnest in the kitschy genre of teen drama. ive got sooo much love for season one for how simple it was to speculate about everyone’s relation to one another, it was all so stupidly easy. you had people riding for all the ships and they all felt possible. i remember there was a pretty decent jj and sarah community and even john b and kiara shippers, and no one cared lmao (originally i was very into barry and rafe btw). you could do whatever you wanted because there was always some sort of underlying context you could build from because every character had a purpose. and i enjoy extrapolating on characters so season one was a goldmine. there was just such an incredible amount of potential storytelling within the show— so much they could explore and i find myself returning back to the beginning when i find myself in a writing lull.

(but a close second is the first half of season two and then the intro scene with rafe putting on that blazer… that was when i became conscious of his allure)

the only thing that made season three worthwhile was riara (😻🙏) bc that season was so bad, i remember seeing someone’s post about how they unfound the found family and i couldn’t agree more haha. also gonna disclose that i don’t hate that season for the john b and sarah cheating plot point, i actually quite liked that they went there for her character and it made sense. the obvious attempts to just couple up the pogues made me :/ bc what i love about obx are the random side quests we get of them just dicking around as a group/the different dynamics rather than just the couples always.

i cant wait until all of season four is out and then i can place it on this list. so far im 50/50 about it… i feel like the plot is a lot tighter than the last season but the almost genre shift (at times) throws me off when watching it. i like that we’re getting more of the pogues being pogues this time, it does feel more reminiscent of the first season :’) love the rafe aspect of it too

[whyisntaquariusawatersign]

More Progress, Done with western culture mostly. Now trying to branch out.

So basically Ive just been spending more time cropping more images to make more frames, I've made a decent amount of progress. I'm hoping to get close to 500-750 frames, of just pictures, We will see how much comes out of the research I'll be doing with the examples provided. If I get to 1000, I think that would be ideal, but I think What will end up happening is I get to my max image count and then reorder them in different ways and (and using a variation of 2's and 1's) to compare the different types of bodies across the culture, maybe go in chronological order first, then go with similar shape pattern, and then maybe have some fun with aligning the body positions with each other. I also have the base sillouetes I will be starting with in the begining to kinda help emphasize the focus.

[vakta]

a little update about what/how i am doing lately . . . .

to put it short: my therapist and my parents dont let me go to school or stay in my dorm so im staying at home for a few weeks (at least); should be recovering, but i dont rly have the motivation to do so, and my digestive issues make it even more difficult

to not put it short:

so im not allowed to go to school bc i badly relapsed. its not a recent thing, ive been slowly loosing weight since october, when after an actually really seriously-taken but still failed recovery attempt i kind of lost my hopes for full recovery. (i can still imagine it in the distant future tho... but to actually start doing it now.... ehh..)

one of the reasons bc of which i have failed is the pain which comes after eating a decent amount of food, a bigger meal, or even smaller amounts of foods that i avoided for a long time. i got fed up (lol) with this, and decided that i would pay attention to eat less to avoid being in pain afterwards.

not a great idea, my friends, not a great idea.

it works in the short term, but it only makes your stomach even more sensitive, and shortly you can barely eat without pain, your damn safe foods start becoming scary, and you just spiral spiral spiral deeper and deeper and deeper into this.

and yes, you loose weight but at what cost?? (i think this applies to any ed that results in weight loss tbh) the weightloss was one of the reasons my parents noticed that something is wrong with me again (or still, rather)

the other reason was the stress. i had become so so stressed bc of this, and not only this, bc school, oh my beloved, just cant fucking chill. what makes it even worse is that there are only 1 and a half years until university and i seriously need to make decisions in relation to my future, but i never find the time for this with the every other thing that is going on at the same time (looking at my biology teacher.. but also no, he actually cares about me i think; im just a perfectionist who takes everything personally, even if it is directed on those of my classmates who dont study shit and dont even care, and not me who literally learns every damn letter for his tests) also i have an upcoming chemistry exam in spring which i also didnt have the time to really start preparing for.

the dorm was just the cherry on top, with all those skinny girls, and the ones who could never not mention their diet or weightloss or even just be quiet during the 'silentium' (the compulsory study time in the dorm). my roommates were always having fun, noisily, happily, while i was sitting at my desk, barely keeping myself together, so so angry and so so SO jealous of them who could enjoy their time. which i didnt have. unerstandable though, they are attending different, less strict schools and/or are 2 years younger.

so living in that dorm and going to school was draining my time and even more my energy, my mental space, my sanity even, and i was spiraling, like badly.

im honestly so grateful for my parents for not letting me stay in that hell for any longer. i have been at home since last friday, and i honestly enjoy it a lot. i have much more time now, i can sleep enough and study without rushing. it is nice, i could even try solving a few chemistry exam sheets from the previous years and it actually went well!! im really glad :D

though ed-wise im not doing so good. the digestive issues are the biggest problem rn. being in pain for hours after a meal just discourages me from eating tbh.

my parents made some rules: i mustnt do any exercise, only a little yoga (less than an hour daily, just twice a week allowed to be an hour long), and i mustnt walk for longer than 30 mins. i think it goes without saying that i can easily break the time-related ones, but at least while doing so i know im not supposed to do that, and i stopped exercising which is progress in itself (not huge but hey). there arent any eating related rules. yet. i say this bc my mom always checks my weight in the mornings when shes still at home when i wake up, and she tells my dad, who will soon get really angry if i dont gain any. he is already angry for my complains about my stomach pain, he says he is never not in some kind of pain (he is 50) so really i should just get used to it. but my mom told me he had told her he thought i should see a doctor with this, so actually he does care about me a lot, he just cant communicate it. me coming home was his idea too. he cant stand seeing me destroying myself and he only wants the best for me, i know that.

i can only stay at home for 4 weeks (with this one) otherwise i have to repeat this grade. or decide to be homeschooled from now on. this wont be an easy decision.

all in all, ive been trying not to worry much in the past few days but soon its time to think about what i plan to do in the future. and i should do something about my stomach too, it cant keep going like this. so, a lot of things to do, but at least im in a calm, supportive environment now (my mom is the one who is always there for me and im super super thankful for her). idk what will happen, i hope things fall into place.

i dont rly expect anyone to read all of this, it was just nice to type it out, but if you did then congratulations now you know my current struggles more than anyone irl!!!! (okay maybe except for my mom, but still)

[justalitlecreacher]

Anakin Skywalker Deserved Better

Ive made this post before but it was really rough and i meant to edit it later and its later now but its been so long that i don’t feel like finding the og post so here we are. If it’s not obvious i care more than a normal amount about Anakin Skywalker.

Tl;Dr: I firmly believe that there are so many points in the prequel series, the clone wars, and even the comics that some level of intervention could have steered Anakin away from falling in Revenge of the Sith.

The Phantom Menace 

This is our first encounter with Anakin, and it does a decent job at introducing us to him. This movie sets up his tragic backstory™️ and gives us a good look at his personality; Anakin appears selfless and eager to help complete strangers in return for nothin when he first brings Qui-Gon and crew to his home to give them shelter, and then risks his life in the podrace to help them afford the part they need to fix their ship. Aside from introducing and developing Anakin not much else happens until Qui-Gon brings Anakin before the Jedi Council where they decide he is too old and there is already too much anger in him to be trained as a Jedi. Qui-Gon disagress, but we move on to Naboo where 9-year old Anakin blows up a very large ship all; by himslef w/ autopilot ( they grow up so fast), Qui-Gon dies, and we get our first look at Palpatine being creepy in hindsight, “And you, young Skywalker, we will watch your career with great interest.” not all that weird out of context but uncomfy when you remember who Palpatine is.

Before we move on i actually want to flashback to Anakin’s first encounter with the Jedi Council. For a group of people who constantly take in and raise children, the Jedi seem to do a poor job interacting with them. A kind of infuriating thing about this scene is that the Jedi seem to shame Anakin for being afraid (no matter how much Anakin himself denies that fear). This scene does a really good job at setting up how the Jedi consistently fail to take into account that Anakin is fundamentally incapable of being a “normal” Jedi. Anakin has had a fundamentally different childhood than any other Jedi and absolutely needed more help and support than the average Padawan from the very beginning. Granted it is possible that the Jedi tried to get him the help and support he needed, but if they did we can infer they failed from Dooku’s line in Revenge of the Sith, “I sense great fear in you, Skywalker. You have hate, you have anger, but you don’t use them.”

Obi-Wan And Anakin Comic

The Obi-Wan and Anakin comics take place sometime between The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones. The story focuses on Anakin and Obi-Wan investigating a distress signal on a planet that has been destroyed by war. The comic also flashes back to reveal that Anakin is thinking of leaving the Jedi Order after Palpatine shows him the dark side of Coruscant, and tells him that neither the Jedi nor the Senate will be able to do anything about it. We get more creepy (not just in hindsight this time) moments out of Palpatine here. The first one is when he uses his position as Chancellor to gain access to Anakin under the guise of “helping” him.  “Why young Skywalker is a Jedi, is he not? The Jedi are under the Senate’s jurisdiction. And as I am the Chancellor of the Senate...”. Palpatine proceeds to take Anakin to a club of some kind where they see a corrupt senator gambling; Palpatine also mentions how “Lives are bought and sold here everyday” he then makes a show of apologizing for bringing it up considering Anakin’s past.Without context this would seem harmless enough, but with the context of Palpatine’s true identity it is more likely a ploy to subelty remind Anakin of how the Jedi and Senate are unable or unwilling to intervene on Tatooine or the rest of the Outer Rim. Palpatine reminding Anakin of the Senate and Jedi’s inability to help everyone seems to be a running theme in their meeting as the series continues. 

Aside from Palpatine being a creep; we see that Anakin is still just as willing and eager to help as he was in The Phantom Menace. His skills in mechanics result in him being briefly kidnapped so that he can fix weapons that will help one side to win the war that has destroyed the planet. Seriously Anakin is just so ernest in these comics that i shed tears because i know how his story ends. 

One character that Obi-Wan and Anakin team up with to reach the distress signal first mistakes Anakin for Obi-Wan’s son, and then tells Obi-Wan, “He [Anakin] doesn’t think so. Kid idolizes you. You can see it” when Obi-Wan admits that he’s not sure he is the best suited to teach Anakin, and fears he has failed him in some way. As the story progresses, it is revealed in a flashback that after Anakin told Obi-Wan he wanted to leave the Order, Yoda sent the two of them on the mission they are currently on to give Anakin a chance to reconsider his decision, and Obi-Wan tells Yoda that if Anakin returned from the mission still wanting to leave the Order, Obi-Wan would leave with him to continue his training and keep his promise to Qui-Gon. 

Attack of the Clones

Back to the movies. Attack of the Clones reunites Obi-Wan and Anakin with Padmé Amidala when they are assigned to protect her from an assassin. One of ( if not the) most important elements to this movie are Anakin’s dreams/visions of his mother. Towards the beginning of the movie Anakin doesn’t explicitly say what the dreams are about, but it can be assumed that the dreams are unpleasant as he says, “I don't sleep well anymore.” in response to Obi-Wan commenting on him looking tired; going on to claim that he cannot sleep because of his dreams. Anakin later admits to Padmé that he worries about his mother. This is one of the key moments in Anakin’s life that set him up to fall in Revenge of the Sith. There is no reason i can think of that Anakin should not have been allowed to check on his mother if he was having dreams about her that prevented him from sleeping properly and made him worry for her safety. As Anakin says, “Compassion, which I would define as unconditional love, is central to a Jedi's life, so you might say we're encouraged to love.”. If compassion truly is central to a Jedi’s life, then surely they could at the very least send one of their 10,000 Jedi to check on Anakin’s mother if he could not? Is it compassion to deny someone the help they need? I find it hard to believe that Anakin would not have told Obi-Wan that he was worried about his mother going off of how close they appear to be in the previous comic. Especially after Anakin responds to Obi-Wan joking about Anakin being the death of him one day with, “Don't say that Master... You're the closest thing I have to a father... I love you. I don't want to cause you pain.” 

Anakin and Padmé arrive too late to save Shmi, and she dies in Anakin’s arms. This is a crucial moment leading up to Anakin’s fall as it shows Anakin that his dreams have a very real potential of coming true and likely results in him blaming himself at least partially for not insisting on checking on his mother or getting there sooner or doing anything different that may have allowed her to survive; it’s also the first time we see Anakin really lose control. There have been instances of him lashing out in anger before (turning a pair of padawans’ lightsabers against them when he hears them making fun of him behind his back), but nothing like what happens in the wake of Shmi’s death. Anakin wipes out the entire village of Tusken Raiders; children included. And while Anakin does express genuine remorse for his actions, he never faces consequences for them. It’s not even clear if anyone but Padmé ever finds out; Yoda claims to feel Anakin’s pain in the wake of his mother’s death, but does not appear to see Anakin’s actions, and is not shown to discuss what happened on Tatooine with Anakin at all.

Some light googling on my part revealed that in the novelization of Attack of the Clone, while Anakin did tell Obi-Wan about his mother’s death it was Padmé who told Obi-Wan how she had died, but Obi-Wan is unaware of what happened afterwards. “Anakin had told him of Shmi’s death; that was why he and Padmé had gone to Tatooine, he said. Obi-Wan had talked to Padmé later, and she had explained that Shmi had been kidnapped and killed by Tusken Raiders. Neither of them had been willing to go into much detail, and from what Obi-Wan knew of the Tusken Raiders, he didn’t blame them. It was no wonder Anakin seemed shaken, if his mother had been tortured and killed. One day, perhaps, Anakin would be willing to tell him the whole story.” Obi-Wan appears to know that there is more to the story than he has been told, but it content to wait until Anakin is ready to talk about it. I wonder if they ever had that conversation.

Anakin’s inability to save his mother even after the warnings he receives in his dreams likely leads to his desperation to save Padmé form the danger he believes her to be in later in Revenge of the Sith. He has been shown once before that his dreams can easily come true, and he is desperate to prevent this dream from coming true no matter what the cost may be. 

The Clone Wars

This is gonna be a long one; it’s gonna have to cover the most relevant episodes of The Clone Wars and oh boy that’s not a small amount. Im gonna try to go chronologically but bear with me (if you actually read this far you know what you got yourself into)

Assassin s3ep7

In this episode Ahsoka begins having visions of Padmé being assassinated similarly to how Anakin dreamed of his mother’s and later Padmé’s deaths. The difference with Ahsoka is that she is able to prevent the visions from becoming reality.  What i want to focus on in this episode is the reaction Ahsoka gets when she tells Yoda about her dreams. Yoda explains to her that her dream may be telling her something and provides her with the means to act on her visions to prevent them from becoming true.

When Anakin approaches Yoda about his dreams in Revenge of the Sith, Yoda simply tells him that death is natural and he must train himself to let go of everything he fears to lose. We could chalk this up to just a writing inconsistency, but i dont think i will. I would instead like to wonder why Yoda treats Ahsoka’s visions like they are something that can be changed but then treats Anakin’s like they are set in stone. Anakin has already proven himself capable of having true visions, and is more force sensitive than any other living Jedi. It makes no sense to dismiss Anakin’s feelings like this. All this to say looking into and helping Anakin to examine his dreams instead of telling him to let go when he has proven over and over to be incapable of doing so would likely have been significantly more helpful in the long run.

The Mortis Arc S3 Ep15-17

Honestly i dont have a lot to say on this arc aside how much psychic damage it dealt to see Anakin briefly turn to the dark side because he was so desperate o avoid the future The Son had shown him ( really hope everyone had the common sense not to bring that up to Anakin after the fact though).

 The Deception Arc S4 Ep15+18

In this arc Obi-Wan fakes his death in order to go undercover as the bounty hunter Rako Hardeen and uncover a plot to kidnap the Chancellor. This wouldn’t be a problem if they had brought Anakin in on the plan; instead they use Anakin’s reaction to Obi-Wan’s “death” to better sell the illusion. Obi-Wan even says, “Keeping Anakin on the outside was critical. Everyone knows how close we are. It was his reaction that sold the sniper. I'm sure of it.” Obi-Wan and the Council are fully aware of how much Obi-Wan means to Anakin, yet they all decide to use those feelings to their own advantage with little regard for the consequences.

On top of betraying Anakin’s trust; this move leads Anakin to doubt the Jedi Council and wonder what else they may be keeping from him if they  were willing to let him believe that Obi-Wan was dead as long as it suited their interests. “How many other lies have I been told by the Council? And how do you know that you even have the whole truth?”. 

I just cannot imagine why they thought they even had to use Obi-Wan for this plan. In the Obi-Wan and Anakin comic, Obi-Wan claims that there are 10,000 Jedi; surely there is someone less connected or with less attention on them who would be more suited to go undercover without the element of faking their death. Or if faking their death was necessary, surely they could have picked a Jedi who was not closely attached to arguably the most emotionally unstable Jedi in the Order. Anyone else would have been better. I don’t doubt that Anakin was telling the truth when he said, “If it was up to me I would kill you right here! But lucky for you, the man you murdered would rather see you rot in jail.”.

The Deception Arc just really grinds my gears because it really is almost like the Council wants Anakin to fall. There really is no excuse for how they use his bond with Obi-Wan against him for their own gain. The Council and Obi-Wan know full well how much Anakin loves Obi-Wan (see Anakin referring to Obi-Wan as the closest thing he has to a father in Attack of the Clones), and chose to use this vulnerability against Anakin in the worst way possible. 

This arc really sets Anakin to later doubt Obi-Wan and the Council in Revenge of the Sith, and make it easier for Palpatine to convince Anakin that no Jedi would understand him and that they would likely kick him out of the order and not help him. ( heck he even has a recent memory of the Jedi expelling a 14 year old from the Order for the sake of not looking bad in the eyes of the Senate. “I understand your sentiment, Obi-Wan, but if the Council does as you suggest, it could be seen as an act of opposition to the Senate. I'm afraid we have little choice.” i might go more in depth on this one later but this doesn’t feel like the right place as this is a post about Anakin and i don’t want to make and Ahsoka centric arc all about him).  

That wraps up the Clone Wars! Finally!

Revenge of the Sith

Ok big finale. Revenge of the Sith; so close to being my favorite Star Wars movie, but it almost made me cry in the library so its my second favorite (Attack of the Clones is my favorite). 

I’ve already touched on the dreams Anakin has of Padmé’s death in the Clone Wars segment, but it bears repeating and i have more to touch on. Im not 100% if im misremembering or not but i cannot recall Anakin ever explicitly telling Palpatine about his dreams, but Palpatine knows that Anakin fears for Padmé’s life anyway. It’s possible that Anakin just told him off screen but a fic i read recently ( It’s called give me one more night by Spongyllama on AO3 and it is so worth the read) introduced me to the theory that it had been Palpatine sending Anakin the dreams to begin with.

This theory has a good amount of legs to stand on honestly. As mentioned previously, Anakin never tells Palpatine about his dreams, but Palpatine still knows exactly what to tell Anakin to best manipulate him. Furthermore; Anakin’s dreams very likely would never have come true if Anakin hadn’t fallen; Padmé reportedly dies of heartbreak, something that could not have happened had Anakin not fallen. All signs point to Palpatine being behind the dreams (and we know that Anakin and Palpatine are close by the time Attack of the Clones occurs so it’s not out of question that Anakin may have told Palpatine about the dreams about his mother, giving Palpatine the idea to use those dreams against him later)

Conclusion

Honestly the biggest thing i think the Jedi could have improved on was just trying to understand Anakin better. The average age for entering the order is 2 to 3 compared to Anakin’s 9. Anakin entered the order years after any other Jedi, and because of that was able to remember his mother and had formed attachments (or attachment but i digress) before he had even reached the order. It should have been obvious from the start that if Anakin were to ever become a successful Jedi he would need significantly more help than the usual padawan.

We frequently see Anakin scolded for forming attachments or being too emotional (see Clone Wars s1e6-7 where R2-D2 goes missing and Anakin suggests taking a squad out to look for him “Anakin, it's only a droid. You know attachment is not acceptable for a Jedi.”(Obi-Wan) “Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.”(Yoda). etc etc)  But, to the best of my knowledge, we never really see anyone showing Anakin how to let go. Anakin lacks the tools he needs to properly deal with his emotions, so the best he can do is shove them down and pretend they don’t exist because to him that’s what a proper Jedi does. No one has ever told him otherwise. The explosion was inevitable.

Anakin Skywalker was a traumatized child who was most likely never taken to therapy or told how to deal with/ healthily show his emotions in any way other than to ignore them or push them aside on top of being manipulated by Sith Lord from a young age. With all these factors is it really a surprise that Palpatine was able to turn him?

ok im done; see yall next time ig

[tigerdrop]

hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots

i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity

the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)

but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.

gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.

this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes”. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.

which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him

this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.

its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.

“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.

gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.

IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.

its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication

also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems

to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.

a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this

ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.

secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.

hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.

finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.

when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.

paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.

thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps

[hwallout]

our little secret - csy (iv)

summary: as a CEO of one of the country’s most powerful companies, you had your secrets to success. no one ever gained power without ruthless, filthy and unfair play, it’s all okay if no one knows right? well, what happens when your little secrets fall into the hands of someone you can’t get rid of that easily?

words: 7,1k

genre: angst, drama, some fluff if you squint

warnings: language

early an: honestly,,, is this worth continuing?

first part

second part

third part

The remark had different meanings for the both of you. Seungyoun was speaking his thoughts, but not exactly clear enough to be understood immediately. There was a hidden message behind the strong wall of his words, but the heir wouldn’t allow it to be known before the time’s right.

You looked at him with attentive eyes, pupils slightly dilated due to the sudden change of light. The moon carefully caressed Seungyoun’s features, making his skin glow bright. It seemed as if the heir wanted you to interrogate further, and with the curiosity that tickled your mind, it was only natural to do so. For whatever reason, the tiny voice whispered that it might just be what you were expecting all along - the door through which one would be able to regain control.

“What do you mean?”

“The drinking. I’m not an alcoholic, yet look at me” Seungyoun blurted out. There was a quiet but audible laugh coming from his end, which contrasted your sudden disappointed expression. Little did you know that Seungyoun wasn’t laughing because he was amused. The male was in disbelief, because even in such a state, he managed to hold his ground and lie.

The heir poured himself another glass of wine, the big black bottle now empty. He reached underneath the table and pulled out two things – another smaller bottle and one more transparent glass. Once opened, the aroma from inside of the bottle entered your nostrils almost immediately. It was strong and alluring, just tempting to reach for and taste. Seungyoun filled your glass and stood up, grabbing the other bottle by the neck and walking inside to throw it away.

The song playing changed but a new melody followed the same feeling. Calm and slow notes only immersed you more in the view, a rustling city that seemed so little and easy to crush from this high up.

Once Seungyoun came out, there was a little bluetooth speaker in one of his hands, while the other held his phone. A sincere smile caused by emotion one could only be able to describe as pride, was a rare sight on his features. The man sat down and sighed out loud after placing the two objects on the table.

“You know, this isn’t exactly where I saw myself a couple of years ago. Simply said, I still can’t see myself in a position of a future CEO”

This time though, as if some drastic change happened, Seungyoun approached his thoughts from a different angle. The tone used was unlike any other you’ve heard before. It wasn’t stern or emotionless, no, on the contrary, it was full of a certain something. You took a sip of the dark liquid, shivering at the taste.

“I always wanted to do music” He mentioned and you nodded along, already familiar with the fact. It wasn’t rare that the media pulled out that card when speaking about the heir. Blamed for being uninterested in business or praised that he’s doing well despite wanting to pursue a music career. Sometimes the only emotion one could feel while reading those was pure pity for the man. Could he really not do what he loved?

The melody changed pace. Your body unconsciously swayed back and forth, carried by the rhythm. The piece was so beautiful that it caused sadness, for you’ve been missing out on it for so long. Every beat was hitting just the right places in one’s mind and heart, awakening a thousand other feelings as it progressed. Unintentionally, your eyes closed and you relaxed back into the seat.

Soon, a soft voice accompanied the melody, and with careful, beautful words, only made the song better. The male singing had a mesmerizing voice, hushed and breathy to fit the current rhythm. Visible goosebumps formed on your arms, a smile sneaking up to beautify your facial features.  

Then, out of nowhere, that exact voice - just a little bit louder - sounded only a meter away.

It didn’t take long to catch up on the fact that Seungyoun was singing along. What took a moment to process was that Seungyoun’s voice matched the one in the song. Every single note, pitch, whisper was the exact same. Shivers ran down your spine in realization, but you didn’t dare interrupt the showcase just yet.

Once the last few beats faded away, the male turned around and locked eyes with yours, a huge smile on his lips, pearly white teeth bidding their hello. His happy expression contrasted yours, which was one of pure surprise.

“I made that” Seungyoun whispered. Short silence enrolled right after, but it wasn’t anywhere near uncomfortable. It was just a moment you dared take to properly swallow down the information that Seungyoun was actually seriously working on his music. A certain feeling welled up in your chest, caused by pure admiration for the man who still pursued his dreams, despite everything else.

“That was... pretty good if I’m being honest, Seungyoun. Good job” You replied, praising the other for the first time. The male looked at you staggered, as if the compliment was something much more serious, and maybe, for him, it was.

Without any more words exchanged, you stood up, taking hold of your glass and walking towards the railing. Leaning against the handrail, you continued staring into the distance, still mesmerized by the overall view. Silence once again filled up with a calm melody, you heard Seungyoun shuffle in his seat, before standing up to approach you. Taking a generous sip of the strong beverage, you felt another shiver overtake the body. The drink was something you’ve never tasted before, for it had a pretty strange, sour, yet addicting taste.

“You know...my father and I... I was always a disappointment for him” The heir spoke with a calm and collected words, which was somewhat surprising due to the amount of alcohol he consumed. Seungyoun didn’t look at you, but he was well aware that his every word was being listened to.  

“I was the creative kid, with a great voice and feeling for composition. I’ve never really been interested in what my dad was calculating or making business calls for late in the night. It never appealed to me”

You listened, although not exactly interested in the topic. Truthfully, you paid attention not to be rude more than anything else. In the end, the man was speaking about an emotional and serious experience for him, so really the least one could do was listen. Taking another sip, you looked at the other, noticing the little frown on his lips.

“When I wrote my first song and presented it to my parents, it’s an understatement to say they weren’t pleased. My mother had to shield me from his harsh words of discouragement. I still remember every single thing he has said” Seungyoun’s voice broke at one point, but he tried to cover it up with a forced cough. The heir was a decent businessman, but actor? Not so much.  

“You can imagine how a kid with broken dreams feels like” At that, Seungyoun broke a smile. A pitiful, weak smile, that still held that certain, hidden emotion behind it.

“I’ve built this empire, expecting it to grow stronger in the future. I didn’t throw away my whole youth to not have a responsible heir take after me! I’m not going to accept my son screech into the microphone when he can rule the world!”

Seungyoun’s words suddenly seemed to hit a certain spot inside of your heart. Gulping down what was left in the transparent glass, you went to pour some more before returning. The little ‘break’ allowed you to take a few deep breaths and calm down the heart that was unreasonably getting sad and empathic. It took Seungyoun a few seconds to continue with his talk, the man playing insecurity about continuing further which you dismissed with a soft hand gesture.

“Over time, you learn to be silent and take it. There’s no other way, really. You’re obliged to follow up and continue what someone else has started in such a situation. But... it hurts more when you’re guilt tripped into it as a child”

Another long moment of silence enrolled. The chill wind grew stronger, caressing the warm surface of your skin in a hurried manner. The alcohol flowed freely through your bloodstream, already having a strong effect on the heartbeat that quickened and mind that opened. You’ve never been someone who can handle a lot of alcohol well, but still far away from a lightweight. Often, you’d drink just enough to feel just a little carefree, but that line seemed to have been passed long ago. Surprisingly, it took two glasses. Who knows what kind of wine Seungyoun had at home.

A feeling of guilt bid its hello. Suddenly, the weight of words became far too important and noticeable. You remembered the times you’ve intentionally tried shaming the man in front of his father, not aware of the consequences they had. One voice whispered that those were asshole moves, something you should be apologizing for, while the other yelled that you shouldn’t be backing down and caring so much. The mind was walking a path that branched into two and it had no idea which one to take.  

The one that whispered appeared close and intimate, speaking slowly, softly, yet louder as you took another sip. The second voice seemed more distant as time went by, it yelled and tried to warn of the possible consequences, but it was so, so far away.

“I... I’m sorry...” You muttered quietly, unsure if the words should reach the heir’s ears. Unfortunately, they did, for Seungyoun turned to face you with one eyebrow lifted and a smirk on his lips. There it was, the true emotion surfacing. You could’ve left it at that, but without much reason, decided to continue.

“I must’ve affected and fueled the fire with my words in the past... I’m... I’m really sorry, Seungyoun” Your free hand moved and took a hold of his, feeling the contrast in temperatures between the two bodies. Seungyoun’s look turned more curious, but only to hide the sly one hiding behind. Despite it all, his chest squeezed tight, the space inside becoming way too small for the erratic heart. It encouraged the man to act up on the emotions he’s trying to dismiss and replace with something fake.  

Seungyoun finally found the hole that allowed entrance to the space of your mind and heart, yet restrained himself from acting on it. So far, the heir was managing just fine, finding out what were the exact weaknesses of your being, and using them properly against you. Manipulation – his face contorted in disgust at the word.

Of course, there was that voice that yelled at him for playing the game in such a way. Just your tentative hand on his forced the heir into rethinking all of the planned steps. You weren’t supposed to give in so quickly, to show the hidden, caring fragments of personality he never saw. Seungyoun suddenly felt guilty, although he tried fighting it off. The immediate battle inside of his mind, housed two worlds that clashed against each other. It was either he stuck to the plan until the end, or let fate do its job. It was either he won the game immorally, or accepted the guilt and opted not to ruin the life of someone he cared for. Success or possible elimination.

Sighing out loud, Seungyoun threw the dice and let them fall however.

“It’s okay. I’ve gotten used to it” That was such an asshole reply, and the male was aware of it. This way, he indirectly confirmed that you did have an impact, causing your heart to ache.  

Seungyoun both did and didn’t deserve this. There were many reasons that stood behind both of those statements. He was the one who approached the whole thing incorrectly, and although blindly, added yet another problem to his plate. On the other hand, Seungyoun had a proper and overall pure cause for his initial actions. The son only wanted what he thought was the best for his father, something that would finally get him the smallest bit of appreciation from the older.

After all, Seungyoun never once used the knowledge to his advantage. One call, click, or talk would do so, so much irreversible damage and it was that easy. You always jumped over it so carelessly, thinking that Seungyoun wasn’t dumb enough to ignore your threats and put his own head on the gambling table.  

But that simply wasn’t the case. Seungyoun has been putting something else on the table, something that made him look like an even bigger fool. The heir wasn’t scared of your threats and power, for he knew you just couldn’t put a bullet through his head no matter what.

The worst thing was, that you were aware of it too. You were aware of just how strong Seungyoun’s check mate was.  But it was your pride and ego that always tried pushing those thoughts somewhere far, far back, or under the mat.

The alcohol once again did its thing, blurring your thoughts and causing yet another unnecessary question to spill out. At this rate, who knows what kind of trouble you’ll get yourself into tonight...

“Don’t use my question as encouragement but...” The words were quiet once again, but the eyes that looked into Seungyoun’s were far stronger than before. Your irises focused on his, as if searching for something that would wake you up from the current state of mind.

“Why aren’t you using what you have against me?”  

“Why would I?”

Seungyoun’s reply was met with hush and a dumbfounded expression from his partner. Why, he asked? The man had the power to end the whole INVICTA empire, the power to prove the elder that his son was no little kitten. Yet... why?

You remained silent, afraid of giving away any ideas. But there was no need.

“Do you not realize my goal is not destroying your company?” The tone Seungyoun used to say those words appeared a bit too harsh. Visibly taken aback, you took a step away from the other, a breath you weren’t even aware of holding in, coming out in a form of sigh.  

“My goal is gaining my father’s trust. Everything else is just a part of the plan that will help me accomplish it” His face was surprisingly emotionless while speaking. The words seemed to have an effect on the organ inside of your chest, for it squeezed tight once before letting go. The revelation of being used was never a pleasant feeling, but you swallowed it down shamefully, tasting its bitterness.

Seungyoun turned around, facing the city and away from you. This were the facts and his selfish nature that occasionally surfaced as a defense mechanism. He didn’t want you to know the proper, complete truth, and decided to choose the rougher path to walk on. The not so irrational fear of losing you so quickly was too strong.

Maybe it was the better for you to know partial truth, which in most cases was better than none. Or, may haps it wasn’t, because from now on, there will always be that heavy feeling of being used hanging just above your head.

“I’m sorry that you were the one who got tangled into all of this, though”

The atmosphere was quiet for a little while. Both took time to take in the situation. With gazes trained far away, the two souls got lost in imaginary world. Chilly wind continued caressing the hot skin of your face, a light reminder of the present, but not strong enough of a sensation to begin sobering you up. That exact breeze messed Seungyoun’s hair up, strands flying in all directions, making him seem a little more boyish than usual.

The man wasn’t physically holding you back. He never did. You were allowed a chance to go home, rethink the whole deal over, change the gaming plan. Yet, for the first time ever, there were invisible chains pulling your legs down, making them too heavy to move. You couldn’t step away, and the other was well aware of that.

“If only you knew how delighted my father was when the news of us came out. He was so happy to see that his passive son found someone who’d maybe pique his interest for business” Seungyoun laughed pitifully and spoke with a voice that was much quieter than before. He resumed staring at the disappearing car lights in the distance.  

His words once again hit the soft spot. They had you thinking about your own parents, with a heavy heart. Losing both parents was the worst trauma you ever had the chance of experiencing; but even with that behind you, it wasn’t possible to imagine the pain of losing their support. Being distant emotionally with someone so close was on another level.

Seungyoun, intentionally or not, was playing all the right cards to awaken the emotional and trusting person that you tried so hard to hide. Especially in front of him.

This was the first time the two of you had a serious conversation about personal topics, which was a surprisingly pleasant change. It allowed you to get more comfortable and intimate with the other.  

On top of everything else, looking at the heir was a different sensation tonight. The stray strands that flowed freely through the breeze, occasionally covering his dark eyes. His skin glowed under the moonlight, the straight nose bridge emphasizing his beautiful side profile. And the soft, rosy lips that were just slightly parted, calling out to have a finger caressing over them.  

As if the desire you’ve been hiding for a while decided to come out and play with your already fragile mind. It suddenly fought all the pitiful emotions felt before, giving you all the different new ideas you’d usually be vary of.

It was the alcohol. The unknown, dark liquid that tasted better with each sip that made you feel such ways. With feelings all over the place when drunk, you were prone to sudden and drastic changes of mind. But even the tiniest pieces of sober mind weren’t making an effort at preventing your actions this time.

“Take a picture, it will last longer”

“I’d rather enjoy it live, thanks”  

Seungyoun’s cheeks rose higher, lips lifting upwards as a flustered giggle escaped through them. His hand came up over his mouth, trying to hide the smile that was too hard to control. After a few seconds, the heir glanced at you, noticing the hazy look in your eyes. Slowly, but surely, your body slowly rocked back and forth, as if carried by the wind.  

At one point, it looked as if you were going to stumble back, but Seungyoun was quick to step closer and prevent it from happening. A wide grin spread over your soft features upon feeling strong hands on your waist. The dilated irises only now proved your drunken state, as if the alcohol only now intensified its effect.

“Seungyoun?” You whispered, the grin never once disappearing. The heir hummed along, never once weakening his hold. A free point finger traced unknown patterns on his chest, the sensation slightly ticklish for the other.

“What if I... willingly helped you with the plan...” Seungyoun’s eyes widened at that, head moving backwards for an inch. It was impossible to believe that those words left your lips and entered his ears properly. The finger moved upwards, tracing a line over the male’s exposed collarbones, your gaze never once decreasing its strength. Even in such a state, you had Seungyoun on his toes.

“But!” Of course, there was a condition.  

“You have to... get rid of all the evidence you have against... me. No bullshit because I will find you out”  

At such a proposition, the male didn’t need a minute to think of an answer. Immediately, he let go of your waist, extending an arm with a smile.

“Deal” Seungyoun replied, watching the way your gaze fell to look at his hand, before they travelled back up with a mischievous grin. In a blink of an eye, your bodies were pressed against each other, fingers gripping the neckline of his loose t-shirt, pulling down lightly.  

“I’ll rather sign this way” Closing in the last piece of distance, your lips pressed against his in a hurried manner. Seungyoun was quick to reply, fingers once again positioned on your waist, trying to pull the two bodies even closer. Eventually, with one hand situated just behind your neck, the heir controlled the kiss and allowed it to grow more heated as time ran by.

Seconds turned into minutes, kisses into bites, sighs into moans. Seungyoun carried you back inside, opening unknown door and entering what you supposed was his bedroom. The man sat on the bed with you now placed on his lap, hands wandering beneath the thin shirt and over his back.  

Hungrily, Seungyoun’s lips trailed down, leaving light kisses on your jaw, before moving to the sensitive skin of your neck. Moving around, you allowed more space for the sinful bites, that the heir left behind with each kiss.  

Eventually, your fingers threaded through his thick strands, pulling with the slightest bit of force, just to have Seungyoun crane his neck back. He looked at you with hooded eyes, lips curving into a wicked smile, a silent laugh escaping through. Diving down, you excitedly began returning similar marks on his neck, listening to the most beautiful sighs and sounds that the man produced.

All while, your hips dragged down over his, but neither made an effort to take everything just a step further. Shirts were thrown down on the ground, but nothing more. It was the mutual understanding that although the moment was heated and tense, both parties were drunk, mind clouded and driven by more factors than just lust for each other.  

Therefore, the night continued with the same feeling. The only sound inside of the room were lips smacking against each other, sighs and occasional, slipup moans.

The morning brought a slight headache with itself. It was kind of unusual, for you appeared to have a mild hangover because of just two glasses. Truthfully, who knew what it exactly was that Seungyoun offered last night – probably something with a high alcohol percentage.

Your eyes opened a few seconds later, studying the small view of the dimmed room. The surface your head was pressed against was much firmer than a pillow, and it moved. Needless to say, it took a confused moment to process that you were laying down on the heir, who was still deep asleep.

Raising your head as high as possible, you studied the male. His face looked puffy, lips pouting slightly and eyelashes falling beautifully over his soft cheeks. Seungyoun’s hair was disheveled and sticking in many directions, alluring calling for a hand to run through and fix it.  

He looked like a sleeping beauty.

As your eyes travelled down, towards the man’s exposed neck and chest, you found a few deep purple marks. With eyes shut and brows furrowed, you sighed out loud, remembering the whole timeline of last night’s events. There was no doubt that similar purple rings would appear on your own skin too; a low curse perishing into thin air.

The plan on how to stand up without waking Seungyoun up demanded a few minutes of thinking. In the end, you decided on moving as slowly and lightly as possible, freezing up the moment the other moved.  

It took about ten minutes to execute, but in the end you managed. Once on the other, free side of the bed, you rolled down in an ungraceful manner with a slight thump. Laughing quietly, you stood up and looked around the room. It was huge, with similar aesthetics to the rest of the apartment. The curtains allowed only the slightest bits of light inside, making the space look incredibly dim, but light enough to see and navigate through properly.  

Although usually clean, the floor was now a mess thanks to your clothes. Despite remembering not doing anything too scandalous with the male, you looked down in panic. Thankfully, your body was covered up with an oversized shirt. Upon investigating what’s under, you noticed that fortunately, the underwear was still there, in its place.  

Opening the door of the bedroom, you clumsily navigated towards the bathroom. Locking the door behind, you stepped inside the shower, opting to take a refreshing shower. Cold water felt arousing to the hot skin, body moving in different directions to seek more feeling. The sensation elicited a soft moan and you froze, hand coming up to prevent any more sounds from escaping. You supposed the towel from the bunch of neatly folded ones in the cupboard were clean, so that’s what you used to dry off.

There was a big mirror above the sink, showcasing just what type of mess you currently were. Although clean, your hair needed good grooming, which you solved easily using a small black comb placed right beside the sink. Next, and also big reason for worry, were the expected purple marks. Fortunately, none were too high up, most of them decorating your collarbones and lower neck. Unfortunately, there was nothing but clothes you could hide them with for now. That was a job for later.

Without a toothbrush, you chose to take a little bit of the Seungyoun’s red mouthwash on the cupboard. The liquid burned the mouth, and you spat in out quick after a few seconds. Although not perfect, the mouthwash effectively dealt with horrible morning breath.

At that moment, you felt like a parasite living off Seungyoun’s necessities. Oh well.

When you walked back inside of the bedroom to pick up all the clothes scattered on the floor, there was a quiet but sensual melody playing. The small bluetooth speaker from yesterday was placed on the bedside table – exactly where the sound was coming from. Seungyoun was obviously awake, but his eyes were still closed.  

“Good morning” You chirped, faking charm while coming over to sit next to the heir. A hand came up to caress the man’s forearm. Soft fingertips touched the outlines of his bicep tattoo, before moving down to trace the circle on his inner elbow. The action tickled Seungyoun, eliciting a quiet but childish giggle.  

“Good morning, I’m surprised you’re still here” He answered, voice hushed and groggy.

“I can leave?” You answered, jokingly sitting up with intention of walking towards the door, but the man was quicker to grab your wrist. Almost stumbling forwards, you gasped, but Seungyoun was there to prevent the fall from happening for the nth time. Once you were safely situated back on the bed, he replied.

“Stay for breakfast at least?” Seungyoun’s eyes finally opened, immediately scanning your beautiful appearance. Despite the room being dimly lit, his irises shone with their own kind of light. The organ inside of his chest skipped a beat, noticing all of his marks on your skin.  

“I was planning to, but thanks anyway” At that, you stood up, breaking out of the light hold without much force. Picking up the heir’s shirt that still rested on the ground, you threw it back at him. The cloth barely flew through the air before it fell on Seungyoun’s face.

“Go shower, I’m gonna prepare us something to eat”

“Don’t burn the kitchen down!”  

“So, let’s set this clear, now that both of us are awake and sober” You said, chewing on a smaller bite of omelet with bacon. Seungyoun took a sip of yogurt, before taking a bite of his own omelet. The male hummed in appreciation at the taste, and although it was a rather simple dish, you felt happy that he enjoyed something you made.

“I will do what’s in my power to help your situation and you will get rid of any form of evidence you have against me and my company” While speaking, you lowered the fork and knife down, looking at the other with serious eyes. Seungyoun swallowed down with an audible gulp, choosing to imitate your actions and become more serious. Still, there was a smudge of yogurt left on the corner of his lips that made your façade break into a slight smile.  

Reaching out, you wiped it off in a quick motion. Seungyoun nodded and coughed to hide the embarrassment he felt.

“Yes. You said that you’ll have me found out if I don’t” The heir laughed, but it wasn’t because he found it funny, rather because the tension started to build. Your gaze turned sharp, warning the other about the situation still being quite serious.  

“How can I know that I can believe you, though?”  

“Well miss, you’re a businesswoman, a CEO, you’re supposed to know which deal is worth taking, no?” Seungyoun bit back, raising one eyebrow at you. Honestly, it should be expected that the heir will take whatever chance he gets to tease. You leaned back in the seat, sighing out loud with arms crossed. The other coughed again and straightened his posture.

“Okay, okay... how can I be sure you’ll help me though?”  

“Because I already am, although unwillingly. It wouldn’t be a problem for me to put in more effort. We’re only bargaining for 25/75 here. You’ll get my whole support and won’t have to act like a piece of shit to get what you want, while I guarantee safety for my own company. You’re getting more than you lose here”

Seungyoun acted as if he thought it over. The reasons seemed perfectly legitimate. Of course, the male didn’t have a problem with the whole proposal, from the moment it was suggested last night. It was only that he wanted to see you in action, negotiating the best possible outcome for INVICTA.

“You mentioned your father loving me. Just imagine what I can do with that information, Seungyoun. Winning the game is just a decision away from you, but so is losing. Think about how much impact I have on both outcomes. Confirm that INVICTA’s secret database won’t be in your possession, or anyone else’s for that matter, and I’ll play an angel”

The heir cocked his head to the side, prolonging the anticipation of the outcome. He watched your eyes grow more nervous, and it was almost possible to hear your hurried heartbeat. The scene was unbelievable, almost as if both of you weren’t aware that the deal was approved last night, almost as if the night didn’t mean anything.

But it did. It meant a lot. In many ways.

“Deal” Seungyoun said confidently, standing up and extending an arm over the dining table. Pleased with the answer, you did the same, accepting the handshake with a strong hold.    

After breakfast, you decided to leave. At the doorway, Seungyoun pulled you into a quick kiss, not leaving much time to process the situation, before you instinctively kissed back. The act lasted only a few seconds, but it left you feeling dumbfounded once finished. Looking at the man with dilated pupils, you bid a quick farewell and stormed towards the elevator.

It was almost 10am, which meant you a small amount of time to stop by the apartment and fix your appearance up. The Porsche roared as it glided through the streets slightly past the speed limit, the pleasant sound all too familiar to your ears. Thankfully, you arrived in a matter of twenty minutes, all but teleporting out of the car and inside of the building.

Changing into a new set of formal clothes didn’t take long, for you already had them ready in the wardrobe. Makeup took more time though, the marks on your neck appearing a bigger problem than you initially thought. The clock was ticking and you decided on covering only the ones that were higher up. Rest of the purple bruises will be hidden by the buttoned-up shirt, anyway.

Taking one last look in the mirror, you hummed in satisfaction, before heading outside.  

While driving towards INVICTA, an unknown fatigue blurred your vision. Shaking it off and turning on some music to wake up, you slowed down, entering a gear two levels lower for safety precaution.  

The strange energy continued to fluctuate even as you walked through the glass entrance of the expensive building. Every single employee seemed to be staring with a curious look. It wasn’t every day that their boss was late, therefore such circumstance piqued interest. The obnoxious sound of heels clicking against the ground served as a great distraction and stimuli to keep grounded. Which was funny, because in your eyes, the ground was slightly shaking, and in no way completely steady.

The inside of the elevator was covered in mirrors. There, you leaned against the metal rail that went around the walls, sighing out loud. It was hard maintaining a straight and stoic posture, especially during days like these. Looking at the completely normal, clean reflection in the mirror, you wondered what exactly it was that had everyone staring. You’ll hear the rumors fast if there were any, anyway.

With a soft ding, the elevator door opened in a swift motion. Eunha was standing right outside, as if she’s been waiting for the boss’ arrival all this time. Your frowned slightly.

“Good morning, Miss” She chirped and walked alongside you. The assistant had a vibrant smile on her face, an expression much different than the ones you’ve encountered at the entrance. She made no remarks about your timing, which you deeply appreciated.

“Good morning, Eunha” You replied with an unusual tone. It lacked energy and the usual upbeat. Time was barely morning, almost eleven o’clock, but it still seemed like the most appropriate way to reply to her greeting.  

Only when you flopped down into the comfortable leather chair, did your mind begin to blur. Seeking more air, you unbuttoned the collar of your shirt, head leaning back against the backrest. Eunha watched carefully, contemplating whether or not to ask about your state. Something happened to deter her from doing so, for she knew you’d tell her if it was anything serious.  

But that tiny purple patch on your now exposed collarbone perfectly triggered her curiosity. The assistant could only hope you’re going to speak up about it.

“A few people called, but no one who I couldn’t have rescheduled, not knowing you were planning on showing up today” She said, standing straight and swiping over the sensitive screen of a big tablet. Her pencil skirt was an unusual color of baby pink, different from her normal black, and instead of listening to the list of calls, you focused on the refreshing change.  

Your eyelids started dropping the more she went on, and all that you’ve picked up from the presentation was that working overtime tomorrow is a must. Currently, it didn’t matter because all that you wished for was another nap, being just millimeters away from dropping down and taking one on the desk.

“Miss? Should I leave and then come back later?” Eunha interrupted, immediately collecting all attention on herself. She was close to the desk, but ready to leave. Her head was cocked to the side while gentle hands held the tablet tightly against her thighs. You looked up at her and tried signaling something with a weird hand gesture.

“I’m sorry” You whispered, watching the other’s expression turn surprised.  

“Why, Miss?”

“I’m not feeling that well...I feel drained...” You continued, opting to massage your temples, hoping it would somehow help the situation. Eunha placed the big device on the desk, crouching down to be eye-level with you. The female had her own assumptions about your state, eyes still occasionally wandering down your neck and towards the little mark.

“Should I bring you some water or coffee? Aspirin maybe?” She questioned, tone nothing else but caring.

“You’re a sweetheart, please do” You answered, head finally lowering onto the two crossed forearms. It was a makeshift pillow, that you hoped would at least help make the short rest more comfortable. Eunha giggled at the passing compliment, whispering a quick ‘it’s my job, Miss’ before heading outside.  

Just when the fatigue was slowly getting the best of you, eyes steadily closing shut – your phone vibrated. The screen turned on, a colorful background now blurred, with a notification of a new message. With a sigh, you moved to throw a quick glance on it, interest immediately piquing at the name of the sender. It was Seungwoo.

Clumsily pressing in the four-digit passcode, you unlocked the device, reading the message in a hurried manner. Even though the man wasn’t anywhere near, you still heard him through the text, voice soft and cheerful.  

------

Snoopy – 10s ago

Hey, how about we go to our café later today? I’ll wait outside when you finish, I got discharged early.

Me

Can you come pick me up in twenty minutes? I don’t feel well and I don’t think I can drive home. We can pick up something on our way back. It’s on me.

-------

With the way your state keeps worsening as the day progressed, you didn’t want to risk driving home. At the same time, you couldn’t have asked for a better-timed moment to meet the other. Time with Seungwoo was extremely limited and rare nowadays, both being way too busy with work.

Often, the male appeared whenever you needed help. It was strange because frequently, Seungwoo didn’t do it intentionally – much like today. Sometimes, you wondered if he had a special sense that detects whenever you’re feeling even the slightest bit wronged. Those thoughts would usually paint a shy smile on your expression, easing off the tension felt at the moment.  

Without any questioning, Seungwoo texted back, saying he’s already out and will be waiting. Unconsciously, you cooed at the other.

Eunha walked in, carrying a glass with water with a dissolving tablet inside. The sound of tiny bubbles travelling up from the bottom filled the quiet room. Once the drug dissolved, you chugged down the liquid, eyes opening wide afterwards, as if to get yourself to shake of the never-ending daze.

Just then, upon a quick glance at the assistant, you noticed the direction of her eyes. Looking down at your chest, it didn’t take long to connect all of the dots. With a half-hearted, more so pitiful laugh, you motioned towards the chair. There were still fifteen minutes until you had to head out, there was just enough time for a quick recap. Eunha was quick to follow orders, hands neatly placed in her lap as she waited for the boss to talk about last night’s interesting events.

Maybe it really was the aspirin, or the excitement of meeting with Seungwoo, but you appeared more awake.

Putting on the usual stoic expression, you walked with much more confidence, greeting everyone with a strict nod and gaze. The employees bowed politely, going back to their usual work without much eye contact with their boss. No one dared to stare anymore.

Outside, Seungwoo stood leaned against his car, eyes travelling all around the place. The man wore a red silk shirt, fitting black jeans and black shoes. Needless to say, without much effort, Seungwoo was the center of everyone’s attention.

His hands were tucked inside of the jean pockets, long fingers occasionally coming up to sweep through his dark hair. It only took the man ten seconds to lock eyes on your approaching form, immediately noticing the slight sway of your hips.  

Pushing off the expensive Aston Martin, Seungwoo leaned in for a hug. Strangely enough, his arms lingered on your body way short, hold similar to a light breeze. Throughout the years, you got used to warm and strong hugs, ones that lasted a lifetime from the other. Therefore, the sudden and drastic change was nothing but unpleasant and disliked.

Swallowing the annoyance down and opening the door, you lowered down into the comfortable leather seat. It was as if you heard the white Porsche weep while you drove away in another car.

“So, what’s up?” The male asked, head tilting in your direction as he spoke. The pure, raw sight of him right now would arouse anyone. Seungwoo’s gaze was sharp but friendly, an eyebrow raised in curiosity and lips forming a teasing smirk. One of his hands was comfortably placed on the gear stick, while the other rested on top of the wheel.  

“Ah, I don’t know what has gotten into me...” You sighed, relaxing further back into the cozy seat. “I’ keep feeling more tired as the day goes on, I was late to work too. That never happens?”

While shuffling to a more comfortable position, the white shirt underneath your blazer moved, exposing that annoying hickey you haven’t covered. Seungwoo’s eyes absentmindedly moved to that area, immediately picking up the sight of it. His brows furrowed and the male reached out to pull the shirt back up, effectively covering the mark up. At least from his own eyes.

“It’s quite obvious what has gotten into you. Just tell your boyfriend to be a little bit less obvious next time” Seungwoo noted, with a voice he rarely ever used. You never caught onto its meaning, despite being good at reading people.  

The male locked his sight on the road, making sure to drive under the speed limit. The streets were bustling with people, and usually you’d look outside, enjoy the urban city, yet this time you couldn’t. Of course, it was only to the closest of friends, but why have you been so eager to tell Seungwoo that Seungyoun wasn’t your boyfriend? Why were you silently hoping that he’d speak up just so you could dismiss his statement?

“Seungwoo, he’s not my boyfriend” With a certain kind of pride, the words escaped through your lips. A tentative hand reached out and patted Seungwoo’s arm, feeling the tension of his muscles. As if externally sensitive, they visibly flexed underneath the careful touch.

“The mark on your neck doesn’t agree” The other spat again, this time with a noticeable amount of displeasure. Choosing the moment to tease the other and ease the tension, your hand that was previously on the man’s arm, moved to his sharp jawline. Your fingers gently caressed the soft skin.

“Is that what’s suddenly bothering you?”  

Seungwoo looked at you as he came to a red light, different emotions flashing inside of his irises. They were dilated, while his lips parted slightly, just barely showing traces of shock. He was ready to lie and disagree, but your thumb and point finger moved to grasp his chin.

“Would you feel better if it was yours?”

A/N: Hi! Uh this took... a lot of unreasonable time to write, I’m sorry. I was confused about what I want to do and what to write, and honestly I hope you guys still remember this fic and wanna keep up haha. Please be careful and stay healthy!

[vanityloves]

your art style's so cool! how long have you been drawing?

thank you sm ;w; ! ive been drawing even since i could remember so i cant really pinpoint a moment when i first started but i was the cringe kid that carried around my sketchbook EVERYWHERE from like age 12ish? i started focusing on art a lot in middle school and im definitely at a point where i like my art a decent amount n im happy w/ the progress ive made :'] !

this was from 2015-2017? and thought it was So Good

[rosekasa]

holy crap you speak multiple languages?? i stan. how did you learn? 😭

😳😳😳 i do......im not even gonna pretend that i dont try and flex with it bc it's one of my only impressive traits

i know english bc i was born in england, bangla bc my family is bangladeshi, hindi bc i grew up on bollywood + it's super similar to bangla

however:

spanish: my bff's family speak spanish so when i was 11 i learned a decent amount so i could understand them.... :') it sucks bc im too shy to speak it so i can only reply in english but i understand what theyre saying. i started off with duolingo but then studied grammar and read articles/little spanish texts online alongside my duolingo practice... i made translation exercises for myself to do until i got better at it

french: ive been taking french as an mfl since i was 11 but like. we barely learned anything in our lessons sooo i just used duolingo again! like w spanish i studied grammar and read french texts and made translation exercises alongside duolingo for practice BUT what rly skyrocketed my progress was watching French ml without subtitles. it is. a terrifying ordeal at first but after about 2 months i was able to watch the show in french with barely any difficulty? :0 i like to watch it in french w/o subtitles, then watch again with subtitles/in english (which i did accidentally....bc id watch the french dub when it came out then watch the eng dub after LMAO)

norwegian i used duolingo and read extra articles and did translation exercises etc but i also had a friend with whom id text in Norwegian....unfortunately i stopped practicing so i dont remember much norwegian anymore but i want 2 start again! norsken er veldig kul

tldr: learn basics w duolingo, branch out to more complex materials in that language, dont be afraid to use a translator/word reference to learn sometimes, learn ur grammar!

hope this helps!

[jewpacabruhs]

bruv im still jus. wow. theres so much to say but. do u kno how good it feels... to be jewish, to accidentally fixate on one eric cartman & love him more than any other fictional character for almost seven years now, and then to see him in a little yarmulke, standing at kyle's side while he recites from the torah? do you know how validating that is?

i gotta get personal for a second here. idk how, but in the last few yrs my relationship with my own jewishness has been deeply influenced and intertwined with south park, as ironic and ridiculous as that sounds. i grew up secular, completely nonpracticing; as a child, i was only ethnically jewish, and saw jews as strictly an ethnicity, and a popularly hated one to boot. and it scared me. ive talked about it before, but as a child hearing about the shoah and about antisemitism, i couldn't understand. i thought it was looks for a while, which confused me, because ive got blonde hair and blue eyes and all my family that got caught up in nazi europe did/do too. i remember thinking as a second grader that i would've been spared for that reason; why didn't a good chunk of my family? but i grew up in a mormon neighborhood, with plenty of other blonde kids, and they stayed away from me like i had a disease. this was before puberty, before my hair got a little frizzier and my nose got a little bigger, when i looked just like any of them. but already, at age 8, i was an outsider. i wasn't one of them and i never would be, and they wanted me to know that.

and then i started to get it. it clicked even more once i got to high school and got called a kike every other day - but prior to high school, you know what i found, and you know what really pushed me towards understanding what being a secular jew in america meant? south park. and as a dumb little sixth grader with no critical thinking skills, you know what shaped my opinions on my own people? south park.

and that's good and bad. good because i do sincerely think kyle broflovski is excellent fictional representation for jewish people, maybe one of the top few ever shown on television. he gets on my nerves at times, but he's good through and through, he's well written and multi-dimensional, he's not a walking stereotype but he still has prominent jewish features that jewish viewers can look at and see in themselves, his morals and viewpoints and beliefs are obviously deeply influenced by judaism, hes deeply proud of his heritage and culture... and that all means a lot to me. and by the amount of jewish sp fans that adore kyle, it means a lot to them too.

the bad thing is, yeah, i can't deny it, during older seasons, cartman's treatment of kyle probably taught a lot of young and dumb viewers how to view jews in real life. have i, as a kyman shipper and cartman stan, justified that within a fictional and narrative context? yes. but it doesn't change the real-world effect; south park, but specifically cartman, since he's the mouthpiece, likely did cause some easily-influenced people to pick up antisemitic beliefs. did this contribute to the rise of the alt-right? debatable, but to some extent, possibly. was that m&t's intention and should south park be canceled and denounced? fuck no, i'll always love it lol, and fuck censorship. but it is something that should be taken into account.

matt and trey clearly regret that, and understand that it's no longer acceptable or fitting or needed in today's sociopolitical climate - or, okay, maybe they don't even regret it; they just understand that when fiction becomes reality, the fictional jackass isn't necessary when there's one right there in real life, sitting in the oval office, yeah? old cartman doesn't deserve or need a voice, not when real, awful people actually have one right now. and m&t are actively trying to change cartman for the better and really, really backpedal on his bigotry, while still doing it in a way that makes sense from a story-telling perspective. it's not a complete uncharacteristic change of character; it's shifting with the times and writing it into the character's arc so that it's a logical and plausible development in cartman's story.

cartman's behavior in the last few seasons is consistent character development. m&t themselves are pushing it, and clearly it's sincere; cartman's not faking. unless they're building up a surprise twist over the last, what, three to four seasons, that he was faking the whole time! woah! if so it better be a damn good pay off, because that's a lot of time invested. though that seems more forward-thinking than sp tends to be. they're intentionally stuck in the short-term, aren't they? plot-wise. but their character development is pretty long-term, and right now, cartman is consistently decent, and if it comes across as faking, it's because cartman's over-dramatic in how he speaks, and trey does that intentionally.

that's a tonal thing, and it's hard to say in a fictional character, but as someone who struggles with empathy myself, empathy and sincerity don't go hand in hand. you can lack empathy while still caring enough to sincerely and wholeheartedly apologize for something and mean that apology. not feeling remorse doesn't mean you can't apologize genuinely; the two don't go hand in hand. you can be mentally ill in any capacity, even a psychopath, and still deeply care about things or people, just not in the way someone else might. so you can headcanon that cartman's still a psycho/sociopath, though right now that's actually kinda going against canon, but don't rain on other's parades if they're happy he's exhibiting healthy growth. besides, and i repeat: what could cartman exploit out of faking sincerity for several seasons? nothing, so why bother? he wouldn't, unless it's literal in-show subconscious growth.

does that mean he's magically developed empathy? no. is it becoming less probable he's a legitimate sociopath/psychopath (while still possibly having better-disguised antisocial tendencies)? yes. does he seem to have better coping or anger management skills? somehow, yes! he seems to be legitimately healthier. does this mean he's no longer accountable for his past misdeeds, and even his present, less-severe ones? of course not! and you can still hate him all you want, but modern cartman is not the same as older cartman, and shouldn't be treated as such. because is this growth? absolutely.

he's clearly healthier, even happier. he's less angry, he's still a little shit but he no longer relies on bigotry or cruelty or anger to get the negative attention he thrives off, rather he gravitates towards being simply annoying. you know why he called ice? pettiness, immaturity, a little bit of spite, and a need for silly revenge. he's being intentionally petty, but going about it in a sly but no longer psychopathic way. less hannibal lector and more, idk, regina george, lol. extremely different on the antagonist scale. and cartman's been both.

and maybe it's personal bias on what type of human is worse within fiction, someone unstable and bizarre with violent tendencies (which is how he's come to be viewed in pop culture & some of the fandom, as a result of eps like scott tenorman must die), versus someone inclined towards pettiness and more silent and, i dunno, social-status-and-pride-driven types of revenge (cartman in general when he's not being particularly awful, tbh)... but i think it'd be pretty universally agreed that the latter is at the very least more tolerable, manageable, and even likeable - and certainly more redeemable. let's put it this way; if cartman continued on the path he was on, he'd be one of those tiki holding fucks, wearing a confederate flag hat, and he'd treat kyle soooo much worse. instead, m&t have turned him into a hypocritical false-woke ignorant dumbass - but that's strongly less problematique than it's counterpart, and it works.

because cartman simply serves a different narrative purpose now. and that's not sloppy writing; it's well-timed evolution of a character that stepped into a pre-9/11, pre-trump, pre-social media world! so much has changed, and south park is reflecting that in its characters, most notably in a character who was stuck in the, what, 1960s with his beliefs? that was fine way back when, but matt&trey are smart dudes - they understand that sometimes things have to change. besides, they love cartman, too. he's their favorite. but they understand that when real people act like him, it's not so comedic or satirical or funny, & they don't want to look at cartman, at their creation who they've invested twenty-two years in, and see the all-too-real hate of modern radical white america.

i think we know enough about matt&trey's social stances these days, and the empathy they've seemed to develop after having kids, to understand that they're no longer in their "apathy is best, everyone is stupid" phase. current south park is left-leaning and admittedly preachy at times, but i wouldn't want it any other way. g-d knows it's better this way than if they'd embraced and decided to appeal to their right-libertarian following instead. cartman's evolved in a progressive and positive way, and it's fucking dope, especially to us cartman stans who so badly want him to be good. and he is good right! he's doing so good!

and i know im up my own ass rn but yall know how much i myself have campaigned for jewish kyman/cartman and how much i just deeply and truly adore it, and to see it actualized in a canon episode to some extent? that meant the world to me. i couldn't believe my eyes. i was tellin lai - that's the most genuine, pure, almost violent happiness ive felt in my soul in years. that was like a straight shot of serotonin to the heart. that simple little scene made me so fucken happy yall dont even know. & theres a lot to be said about the political commentary and plenty of other people are analyzing that, but im a simple jewish kyman & cartman stan and boy ive been fed good fjskfkdkdkfk!!!

[azenta]

Why is it "not for nothing ESxPs and ExFJs are uncommonly 5 or 9"? And why is SO/SX uncommon for 9s?

The reason why ExFJs and ESxPs are uncommonly, and even unusually, 5s or 9s is because their entire cognitive process clashes with those core goals. I’d precise it would be uncommon to almost rare for them to be 9s, but unusual to almost doubtful if they claim to be 5s (even if not impossible either).

Core 5 and 9 are far more passive in their approach in contrast to ExFJs and ESxPs process. All their defense mechanisms also revolve around the worst cognitive tendencies both ExFJs and ESxPs can have. In fact, the core would always work against the healthy development of their cognitive process, like if it was almost a constant disintegration.

ExFJs

ExFJs process revolves around playing with interpretative rules (unwritten moral and ethical rules) so they can organize rapidly the environment (Fe) around what is best fitting according to what realistically works best or what would be the ideal best (Si or Ni), then see what is going around and see how it comes off or can possibly come off in the present moments (Ne or Se) to ultimately judge of the logicality and long term consistency of their approach and rectify momentarily and accordingly (Ti). They do so by being present into their environment and act on it. Therefore they are pretty active, even ENFJs thanks to Tert Se, and also controlling in a certain (unconscious) way. They want to define rapidly the “rules” and boundaries of the environment, for themselves and also “others” (IVs dependent), so they’ll also develop strategies that help them be the most efficient possible, to reach best fit conclusion(s) and simply help them apply those rules and boundaries.

ExFJs × Core 5

Their process asks them to interact with mostly people and to exercise a form of control upon the “people settings”. Therefore it highly clashes with the 5’s priorities which is about mental work to gather knowledge and expertise, and to keep a certain form of control but about their inner guidance vs the external influences (IVs dependent).

The only common point is both ExFJs and 5s seek control, but ExFJs seek to control the environment and by acting on it momentarily and 5s also seek control of and on themselves, their mind, to avoid being controlled by the environment. However, they do so very differently. 5s become expert of certain knowledges (many or particular knowledge => High Pi vs High Pe) to keep control by being competent and therefore independent of the environment. Therefore, 5s are inherently more passive in their way of doing things since they require the acquisition of “intellectual” knowledges. In contrast, ExFJs act first and then through their Pi guide Fe. A passive approach is therefore unlikely favorable for them, they need strategies that make them act on the external information, not their own mental world (1). 5s also desire to keep themselves in their mind as they want to avoid being confronted to their inner doubt which would be triggered by powerlessness resulting from a lack of competency/expertise. Thus, acting on the external environment is their last “step” to assure their competency and “control”. In other words, acting on the external world is not their priority at all, but their final goal like ExFJs ultimately aim to actualise Ti. Being exposed continually to the external world would be highly stressful and even unhealthy to 5s as it wouldn’t give them a frame to work on their ego patterns as they would continually be stuck into a mental loophole. They ultimately need to affirm themselves into the world (integration to 8), but like ExFJs through the development of Fe-Pi, then Pe and ultimately Ti, they also need to develop through their force (5s=> introspection, inner working, contemplation, mastering, etc.) to grow out of their patterns and become affirmative and active in the environment.

When ExFJs get into a consistent hermit mode or are always in their mind, constantly digging and nit picking information; it is when they either grip or have poor Ni. A core 5 would solicit at an (unhealthy) extreme ExFJs introverted functions, since to gather knowledge and master it like 5 cores do require a great amount of time in one’s mind or mental inner place. But ExFJs are still fundamentally extroverted in their primary approach, and their introverted process are mainly supports to their main approach rather than the default one, while it is the contrary for 5s. It would constantly pushes toward an unbalance.  In the end, an ExFJ developing security issues is way more likely to become a 6 or 7 because both either aim to construct a social environment they can rely on, which is Fe’s playground, or to continually focus on external factors and manipulate (aka control) those factors to always gain a sense of fun, pleasure and simply experiences. Both 6 and 7 approach fits more easily and healthily with ExFJs process than 5 ever will.

(1) Side Note: In comparison, INFJs are more often 5s because their approach is firstly to build an inner vision which require an immense gathering of information that is (and need to be) filtered progressively and slowly (Ni dom). They need time. ExFJs also need time to build their Pi efficiently, but since their Pe is higher and favored, they build their Pi way more quickly, and it is way more adaptable, and therefore they require way less time into their mind to attain what they desire. Also, ExFJs Pi is about supporting with a vision to attain Fe efficiency in the most conclusive way rather than building up an ideal unforeseen vision and then judge of it from general and shared rules like INFJs.

ExFJs × Core 9

On the other hand, ExFJs and core 9 are not as weird but still not the most likely “outcome” if the person happened to be an ExFJs. However, there are more similarities than with core 5.

What makes that combination unlikely is because 9s wants to be almost “non existent”, in the sense they don’t want to get implicated in anything to stay “independent” and free of any possible demand. They don’t want to get stuck into negotiations, because they don’t want to feel any needs to not lose their sense of autonomy. But ExFJs process asks to get involved with what is around in order to organize the environment the most efficiently possible, which involves to be at some point an actor in the environment to organize it as “it should be” (Si/Ni). Or simply put, it asks to give a shit about what’s going on, which 9s despise. Therefore, it clashes with 9s desire to not get involved in the world and ExFJs desire to actually get involved in the world.

The default 9’s approach (average) demand a form of constant “mind freezing” or never be in or even out of themselves, when ExFJs get into that kind of mindset it is when they Loop or even grip. Therefore, this core approach is likely to maintain unbalance extreme. However, in contrast to 5 core’s approach, 9s process still allow to go in either the extroverted or introverted processes, which allow more easily to balance out and so to have decent opportunities to develop properly.

Where they are alike is that ExFJs “efficiency” rely on a sense of “harmony”, or at least of compromising. Their process is made to grasp easily what will benefit at large the party(/ies) involved, or to judge of what is shared at large. 9s focus on harmony and “compromise” (2) as a way to tone down any demands (so they can keep themselves detached from the world). Therefore, 9s heavily rely on being mediator, on getting good at assessing a situation so they can resolve any conflict (aka demands that clash with each other). It is as a way to be sure nothing force them out of their independence; thus also so nothing ever become out of control. ExFJs process fit that way of finding the best fit ethical solution and by assuring a form of control upon the situation at hand.

(2) Precisions: 9s sense of compromise is highly dependent of their level of health. Compromise can rather mean to agree obediently just so people stfu and everything returns in “peace”. And “Peace” rather meaning to allow them to return in their state of denial of their own wants and needs to maintain their twisted sense of independence (aka detachment at this point). Of course, when healthier, it becomes “compromising” as they regain their true sense of self and come to understand independence is not related to detachment, but rather ask to acknowledge one’s needs => so they can answer those needs => then be truly independent since they are met => allowing balance and peace within the world (inner and outer).

ESxPs

ESxPs process goal is to gather as much possible information about everything going around in the present moment (Se), judge of it by their principled and logical formed framework of the world (Ti or Fi), then adapt it by judging through shared values or principles (Fe or Te) to better compromise their personal approach, to finally form the ideal vision or most likely outcome that can be brought from the momentary data (Ni).

ESxPs × Core 5

To have known ESxPs in my life, I can tell you the first thing they do is act. They move, they react, they just do. If they don’t, they are probably unhealthy. Of course, healthy ESxPs know to reflect before acting, however they are still very active people. They’ll simply be more aware of the consequences of their actions and be better in touch with how they want their actions to affect the world. So, 5s way of wanting to gather knowledge and contemplate it to master it share almost no similarities with the main process of ESxPs. One acts while the other contemplate.

Se dominance demands to explore the world, and contrary to Ne, it demands contact with the concrete aspect of it. 5s way is anything but about the concrete world, it is all about playing with those information within the mind. As 5s want to retreat from the world, not get exposed to it. They are insecure about the world and master many forms of knowledge as a way to “fight” the world or prove their worth, their competency through it (IVs dependent). Therefore, each other's goals become a nuisance to the other’s goal.

It is more realistic for ESxPs to become 6 and 7 due to their approach than a 5. An ESxPs 5 would probably be of the most unbalance kind and probably stuck with some form of Personality disorder as a 5 core would continually solicit grips and block healthy Se dom development and therefore all the stack’s development. It would always drag down the ESxP in a low health range.

ESxPs × Core 9

Again, core 9 is less unlikely than a core 5, but still not the most likely outcome if an ESxP gets stuck with a self needs and boundary problem.

They do have in common a sense of not desiring control on the environment, at least, not directly. ESxPs want to observe the world and “play” with it through what makes sense and matters to them. So it is not their main goal to modify it to their will, but their initial goal is rather for them to adapt in the world in a way that makes sense to them. This goal aligns with 9s desire to adapt themselves to other/world’s demand and wants.

Their directions of growth also both relies in a need to assert themselves into the world (people around them included) by understanding they can and need to play with the external rules of the “world” so they can better fit within it, or at least, can make place to what makes sense to them.

However, what fits the most are the loop and grip tendency of ESxPs with 9s unhealthy tendency or disintegration. Which say a lot with how this combo can be developmentally impairing. The loop of ESxPs fit with the 9s flaw of denying themselves, what matters to them, as ESxPs loop disconnect them to everything they inherently value. But also, like 9s who may not notice how they unconsciously detach to accommodate their own ego needs for independence, and therefore become selfish, apathetic and uncaring, so don’t ESxPs notice how their loop is also connected with their poor Ji development. It makes the Ji become generalized blindly, making their personal framework and rules generalized to the world around and then lead the ESxP to condemn other who don’t follow those personal rules through their Tert Je. In other words, it also makes ESxPs become very selfish.

What makes it so uncommon, even rare is that despite Se x Ji’s way of being more adaptive than controlling, the Ji is still about making decisions, and through its principles it eventually comes to want and try to shape the world through the Tert Je, and even inf Ni. Unless the ESxP is perpetually looping, an healthy to even average ESxP won’t let other tarnish their own colors (/logic or principles) and even try to influence the world and shape it through its own color, which 9s completely avoid and won’t admit until they attain important growth. Simply put, ESxPs are still very concerned about their internal rules, and even through looping, their “colors” somehow pop out even more forcefully while 9s somehow disintegrate into pure nothingness. It is only with very specific circumstances and timing that 9s unhealthy mechanisms or disintegration and ESxPs looping fit perfectly. And when it does, it is so hellish that it could impair the development of the individual for so long it might just suggest another core or cognitive stack.

So, simply put, there is a synchronicity between the ESxPs stack and 9s process, however this synchronicity gets lost through the development and simply need for the Je. which is the natural and healthy course of ESxPs development. And since Tertiary functions are always (overly) focused and almost gladly welcomed in one’s development, it makes little sense to actually go for the 9 approach as the Je will be almost embraced. What I mean is, ESxPs will like to bend general rules (Te like or Fe like) by playing with them just so their personal rules are applied and respected. They rather want other to submit to their rules than them to a general consensus. They only get slave of the general rules when they get unhealthy and deny their personal framework, which is a loop or even grip tendency. Therefore, having a core approach which implies forgetting their own needs, their personal compass is like preventing ESxPs from developing anything of their cognitive process literally. 9 as a disintegration for ESxPs makes perfect sense, but as a default approach, it contradicts the fundamental of even average ESxPs process.

This is why it is rare and questionable. I can’t say impossible, but I would have serious doubts if I’d cross such a type. It would most likely be a disintegrating ESxP 3, or maybe any other MBTI type lost in delusions (which is pretty common among this hell site).

SO/sx and core 9

The only reason why it is “uncommon” rather than common is because SO/sx is an instinct that pushes toward extroversion a lot, but 9s want to almost be “non existent” or make themselves the least “present” possible. And extroversion kinda push towards being very active and present into the environment you are, so it clashes with the 9s desire to “not be” an entity and individual of their own.

But I say uncommon rather than rare or unusual because 9s want at some point to merge and almost melt with others as they flee their own needs, and by being “one with others” they achieve that avoidance, and Sp blind instincts are by far the instincts that need and somehow melt with others the most as a way to respond to survival needs. So, it complements really well the 9s goal to become a part of everything and everyone without them needing “to be”, without them being an obstacle (aka potential to create conflict) due to their own personal individual needs.

I hope it answers your question. Don’t hesitate to ask for clarifications or ask for any other question. 

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[shoninoni-blog]

Cleaning Services Lansing MI

I live in Howell Mi and for a considerable length of time I have claimed a Rug Doctor and I have done my floor coverings myself for as far back as 10 years. The last time I utilized a rug cleaning administration 10 yrs back I was pissed with the manner in which they left my rugs and that was terrible. I would not like to clean my floor coverings this time in light of up and coming knee substitution. Mike the proprietor of Dcmdirect Cleaning and I talked and I let him know of my hesitance and he immediately set me straight.

Mike is one hell of decent man and chatting with Mike via telephone was a delight. To make a long story short the rugs where I live are 20 years of age I'm leasing and I'm attempting to buy the home . Mike's had his expert land on schedule. The incongruity of the entire thing that my neighbor was having her entire home cleaned by a similar organization that left my floor coverings looking severely 10 years sooner. They were done and gone with my neighbors home shortly.

Mike's representative did likewise sqft of my neighbors however it took him two or three hours a lot progressively then nearby. The laborers name is Gabriel. I couldn't accept how hard Gabriel functioned attempting to make a 20 yr old floor covering looked great. Gabriel additionally cleaned two lounge chairs and cleaned each inch including the wrinkles.

Gabriel and I got an opportunity to represent a minute. He is one hell of man. Gabriel 's character mirrored the work he put into the floor coverings. I am astonished of Mike's demonstrable skill and Gabriel's hard working attitude. I will allude Dcmdirect out to everybody. Watch the name brand cleaners with coupons. In the event that it resembles 4 rooms and whatever for 99 dollars well you get what you pay for.

That is the thing that I did years back. I utilized a coupon and I got what the coupon said a markdown, not all that much and it looked so awful that I leased a mat cleaner and the rottenness I got out overwhelmed me. At the point when I enlisted the contender I didn't understand it's in the entryway and out the entryway rapidly. Mike's evaluating is more than focused and of greatness. Incredible Job Mike...Gabriel Thank you such a great amount for your hard, difficult work wonderful.

Dcmdirect Cleaning Services Lansing MI cleans our therapeutic office two or three times each week. They give remarkable help and tender loving care with each cleaning. Mike and his group are constantly considerate and mindful to our needs and demands for unique thoughtfulness regarding territories that require consistent sanitation. This is basic to protect our patients. I would strongly suggest their administrations for all your cleaning or janitorial needs.

Brief and proficient, dependable and careful. What more would you be able to ask of a contractual worker you can't meet face to face since you live in another state? Our realtor made this suggestion, and we were satisfied that she did. We particularly valued Mike's eagerness to come without prior warning on an end of the week. In the event that we lived nearer, I would positively procure them once more. Much appreciated!

Power Washing East Lansing MI

Peak Pressure Washing provides 3 different methods of power washing of Driveway. By following these steps you can easily clean your Driveway, if you have right cleaning tools and chemicals. If you are not able to clean Driveway then find expert power washing service Provider Company in Apex, Cary, Raleigh, Fuquay Varina, Holly Springs NC and surrounding areas of North Carolina

About Peak Power Washing East Lansing MI is locally owned and operated since 2007 provides services at Apex and Triangle Area like Cary Clayton Durham Garner Holly Springs Fuquay Varina Morrisville Raleigh NC and surrounding areas. All Services are listed below: i. Pressure Washing ii. Roof Stain Removal Cleaning iii. Deck Cleaning Washing iv. Concrete Masonry Power Washing v. Residential Gutter Cleaning We provide commercial business services such as restaurants gas stations apartment cleaning etc. We provide 24/7/365 days emergency washing and cleaning services. Prepared By: Power Washing Lansing MI

Steps of Power Washing of Driveway Below we listed a steps of Power Washing of Driveway: Method 1: Using a Pressure Washer • Clear out your driveway • Apply a degreaser to the stain • Set up your pressure washer • Apply the detergent to your driveway • Rinse your driveway Method 2: Using Household Products • Apply a natural absorbent • Apply cola to the stain • Use dishwasher detergent Method 3: Cleaning with Chemicals • Make a poultice • Use an enzymatic cleaner • Use a professional cleaner Prepared By: Peak Pressure Washing

Carpet Cleaning Dewitt MI

Slide 1:Mistakes to Avoid while Hiring a Carpet Cleaner

Slide 2:It is said that on an average, a carpet contains more germs than a regular toilet seat. Carpet Cleaning Dewitt MI can make a significant difference in your home. So it can’t be neglected.

Slide 3:Here are some of the mistakes that you need to avoid while hiring Carpet cleaners North Sydney.   Selecting a Cleaner Depending on the Equipment Choosing a Cleaner Depending on Low Price Choosing a Cleaner Depending on a Phone Call

Slide 4:  Choosing Cleaner that does not Offer Money Back Guarantee Choosing a Cleaner that does not Use Hot-Water, Track-Powered Extraction System

Slide 5:  Selecting a Cleaner Depending on the Equipment They need to skilled with the equipment they are using and have knowledge about the cleaning. In fact, they need to have experience in dealing with any situation that comes in their way.

Slide 6:Choosing a Cleaner Depending on Low Price Cleaning carpet thoroughly might involve some money and thus you need to careful about the value of your cleaning against the cost as the cleaners get inside the home, they might push you for a more expensive cleaning.

Slide 7:Choosing a Cleaner Depending on a Phone Call The quotes that are offered over the phone can be quite misleading and might often be far for the original cost. So, instead of making a phone call to take the quote, call the cleaner at your home and ask for a written quotation.

Slide 8:Choosing Cleaner that does not Offer Money Back Guarantee Not all  Carpet cleaners North Sydney  are known to offer a guarantee and even if they do, it is mostly limited.

Slide 9:Choosing a Cleaner that does not Use Hot-Water, Track-Powered Extraction System Portable hot-water system is known to be good but not as good as truck-mount system. It uses hot water, stronger suction, and higher pressure. Thus, it gets the job done in a much better way.