#that wanting to transition is something that can be stopped bc they think i’ll regret transitioning and it’s like. shut the fuck up i can

[sicktwistedevilhatefultyrant]

pro tip: if a doctor is saying shit and you’re getting weird vibes you can stare dead at them until they shut up and/or call them out and watch them scramble

[snowball-maltese]

I’ve been having some anxiety over stuff I see about trans stuff here on tumblr. Mosty just intrusive thoughts. But I always get uncomfortable when I see stuff about ftm bc it makes me feel self-conscious and anxious. Like I have to do that stuff to be happy. And I’m not trying to say trans people shouldn’t express themselves on this platform bc it makes me uncomfortable. That’s just wrong and disgusting. Everyone should be able to express themselves freely and be able to share their experience here :)

But I feel like sometimes this platform makes me feel like because I like to play as boy characters in games or because I’m attracted to women that I’m trans. Like I almost feel pressured into the LGBTQ. It’s not like people are doing it on purpose. No one is saying “you have to be gay to be normal” but I feel overwhelmed by it sometimes and scared that I might do something drastic that I’ll regret or that I’ll do something that I’ll later realize this isn’t the way I really wanted to present myself.

And after thinking about it a lot, I realized my gender dysphoria is deep rooted and a side effect of my upbringing and society as a whole. I grew up in a household that was pretty old fashioned. My father was 47 when I was born and my mom grew up in the Philippines, which can be conservative about stuff like that. I grew up thinking that only girls can like hello kitty and princesses and that boys can only like superheroes and cars. As a result of having an older parent, I grew up watching some pretty sexist shows without realizing it. I saw women in sitcoms doing girly things and figured since I don’t wanna do that “girly” stuff like doing my makeup that I wanna do boy stuff instead, later coming to believe, because of tumblr, that I might be trans.

I just now realized that this all came from the fact that society, especially in the eyes of people controlling a lot of the world’s economy like toy companies and fashion companies, see women as a certain thing and men in a certain way. Stereotypes of women and girls and stereotypes of men and boys are so normalized in the world we live in that some people don’t even realize they’re present and harmful.

I believe that no one should have to worry about whether they look too “girly” if they’re AMAB or worry about not being “girly” enough if they’re AFAB. I feel like there is a deep flaw in society if a young individual feels pressured by what they see in media about what it means to be a boy and be a girl. And coming onto such a diverse place like Tumblr at a young age such as 14-17, they might connect what they see about gender roles in society and what they see about people transitioning on tumblr (or any platform really, it’s not Tumblr exclusive of course!) and feel like they must be trans because they don’t fit the gender stereotypes of their assigned gender at birth.

People should be able to like whatever they want and not have to worry about feeling like they don’t fit in for liking ponies when they’re “supposed to” like spider man.

People should be able to love wearing clothes that makes them happy. Dresses, suits, hairclips, or ties, no matter their assigned gender at birth!

And if you feel like transitioning is for you, then yes! Go for it! I am so proud that you have fully chosen the path you think is right for you. But I feel like this world is fundamentally flawed if someone has to worry about how they dress or what they like just so they’re “normal” or otherwise they’re trans!

The other day my dad was telling me a story of an individual who was wearing a dress and saying things like “he’s embarrassing himself.” Let the bro wear a dress if they want! Let’s break down the stereotypes of men and women and just let people be people! People shouldn’t have to worry about people going “oh that person is so weird for liking the wrong stuff” “oh that man is so cringe for wearing that necklace” “that girl really should stop pretending to be a boy” I wish all hes, shes, theys and everyone else and in between would be able to express themselves without having to feel scared that they’re doing something wrong by being themselves!

LET PEOPLE LIVE THEIR LIVES WITHOUT HAVING TO FEEL PRESSURE BY GENDER ROLES

Tl;dr- Society’s gender stereotypes are harmful to young people who might be having body image problems, and no one should have to feel pressured into thinking they have to transition just because the world thinks they “don’t do the right things” for their gender.

You should love your body the way it is and you should feel comfortable in your own skin! Your body is beautiful just the way it is!

And if you feel changing it is what is best for you, then go for it! Because at the end of the day you are still beautiful no matter what the world thinks you’re doing wrong!

Gender roles do not equal gender identity!

This is just my take of course! I don’t want to offend anyone at all, I am just sharing how I feel about this and what my experience with this topic are. I’m scared to post this… but I feel like it’s important to put out there!

Is anyone still reading this?

[princeanxious]

I love your dragon au, may I have some headcanons?

Uh sure! You weren’t ship specific so i’ll try and be a lil broad and touch on a few for all of em! (Theyre all interconnected in a way but often spend much of their time together apart from the others bc thats how dragons be, even if these dragons are much more social than the average dragon)

Demus- Dragon Remus x Prince(ess) Janus

- Janus is ftm trans! His parents were never supportive and actively tried to hide that from that kingdom at every turn, so, he may have secretly gotten a certain mage’s help “cursing” him with snake/dragon scales & additional certain masculine attributes so that he’d be sent away and get time to live his life without royal duties breathing down his neck. Even if he’d have to live the rest of his life as a prince locked away in a tower.

-Remus is a Dragon that’s known to be very curious, driven to hoard things that intruige him. He lives in a castle he and his brother Roman overtook years ago, and they guard it and their hoards within it well. However, one day a nearby kingdom reached out to them with an offer: if they guard and protect Prince Janus while the kingdom scrambles to figure out what to do, the dragons will recieve offerings to add to their hoards along with provided meals and the means to provide for Janus. All the kingdom requests is to keep Janus safe and happy.

-and of course, they agree to. And Remus falls head over tail inlove in a matter of days. Janus follows soon after he finds that Remus is completely unbothered and supportive of Janus’s transition.

-Janus and Roman also get along super well, tho not in a romantic sense, especially after Roman learns of Janus’s love for plays and acting skills. Roman also gifts a few intricate outfits to Janus from his Hoard of beauty and passion bc they fit the short prince quite well, and because Janus wasn’t given anything to wear from his kingdom aside from tailored princess dresses(which he doesn’t usually mind the skirts portions now w/ his new body but somedays the disphoria would spike back out if he looked in the mirror while wearing one). Roman also helped cut Janus’s hair, and both dragons would growl threateningly at any kingdom official who dared look at Janus’s attire change questioningly. If anyone asked, it was because it made Janus happy and feel safe, and that was their job, was it not?

-Janus loves his new Dragon Boyfriend and his new Dragon brother-in-law(technically?) and this result just solidifies his confidence in the decision he made to get here. Roman and Remus know about the secret behind the curse and what Janus did to get here, they think he’s super fcking clever bc of it. And, Ro and Re swear on their hoards that they’ll never spill the secret if Dee doesn’t want them to, one because the Kingdom would then have a lead on trying to Reverse the Curse, and two, because it would put the life of the mage who was asked to do it in danger, and three, because their dragons and dragons are very very good at protecting what they love.

Logince- Dragon Roman x Knight Logan

-Logan is a prince to a neighboring kingdom, and he was betrothed to Janus in an arranged marraige sort of settup. Niether of them loved the other like that, but they were best friends and Logan respected(and defended) Janus being trans. So when he finds out something happened to Janus, he’s alarmed and upset that he wasn’t informed sooner. Then he finds out Janus is being guarded by dragons, of all things! And well, he needs to make sure Janus us safe, and find out whats wrong, what happened? And no one stops him from traveling out to the castle that houses the dragons to find out. The least he can do is make sure Janus is okay and respected by the dragons, but like hell is he going to wait for Janus’s scrabling kingdom to catch up.

The first thing he’s greeted by is a tall red scaled dragon, and he’s immediately on guard. The dragon grins and drops into a defense position. They don’t ask the other questions, which Janus will give both of them shit for later, but both parties are fueled by challenge and protective goals. And they launch into battle without a word.

-Roman is immediately intruiged and excited to find how Logan matches him in a fight, actually standing a pretty solid chance despite his weight and height. Logan is a skilled swords man, the best in his kingdom, its a shame his only downfall is that Roman has twice the height on him and more than twice the muscles, figuratively and literally. But even then Logan isn’t deterred and is capable of flipping the dragon onto his back which is p hot roman cant lie, so its a p even scuffle bc Romans highly entertained w/ this mysterious attacker.

-they kinda get caught up in the scuffle for a good while till Remus comes out to investigate and Logan disengages and dashes into the forest bc he’s smart enough to know he can’t really win the fight w/ one dragon, two is a death sentence.

-roman spends the whole night heated and excited as he rambles about the gorgeous short knight who nearly kicked his ass. Logan spends the whole night rethinking his strategy and trying not to get distracted by the memory of the infuriatingly hot smirk the dragon kept aiming at him.

-they scuffle twice more, filled with witty remarks and snarky quips that progressively get more flirty before they think to speak about /why/ Logan wants into the castle b4 the truth comes out.

-both are a little sheepish when Janus finds out just who Roman’s been waxing poetic about kicking his butt in an even match and spend a good 20 minutes scolding their gay af selves. Then Logan gets updated on the whole situation, including his not so subtle transition and his new dragon bf. Logan gets the dragon’s permission to visit so long as he keeps things a secret, and he scoffs that they’d think he’d even dare to try to ruin his best friends happiness.

-niether of them really knows when their little rivalry picked back up, but Roman and Logan spend their time together bickering and taunting eachother while playing a semi-unbalanced game of cat and mouse. Logan’s not allowed into the castle w/o playing their game first, and he honestly doesn’t mind. Their interactions get way more flirty and theyre just gay disasters that take way to long to admit their developing feelings till it all kinda rushes out the moment Roman pins Logan to a wall and Logan reaponds by locking his legs around the other, daring to keep him there.

-yeah they express their feelings to eachother in many ways that day. And Logan ends up secretly(to his kingdom at least) dating Roman, and Roman gets a prince bf of his own. They still taunt and play their game of cat and mouse tho, now its just accompanied by a ton more kissing.

Moxiety- Dragon Patton x Mage Virgil

-Virgil is the mage that helped Janus transition in secret, they’d been friends for a long while and meeting in secret to plan it. Virgil’s a pretty powerful mage and talented at what he does, and Janus’s trasition was a spell he cast himself, and its irreversable(on purpose, by Janus’s request/demand)

-Virgil travels alot now adays, never staying in one public place too long in fear of Janus’s knights suspecting him and capturing him. He knew the risk and was willing to pay the price to make Janus happy. He knows he must lay low for a while, and hes not very open about being a mage in fear of that being found out.

-well, one day he finds himself in a town not so open to the idea of magic in general. Its one slip up hes not sure he regrets to heal an injured child, but he finds him self tied to a wooden stake that same day, surrounded by a village chanting about how all magic is evil.

-and then a dragon swoops over and snags him from the fire as it ignites, just barely sinking his clothing before hes up in the sky. He promply blacks out from shock.

-and when he wakes up, he finds himself tucked carefully into a hammock with a soft blanket. The room he’s in is filled with an interesting assortment of things, haphazardly placed enough to register as a hoard than any other kind of room in this tower. That and the dragon that rescued him is resting nearby, his blue scaled wing outstretched and draped over Virgil protectively is kind of a dead giveaway too.

-Virgil would learn later that Patton had been following him, lead by how his hoarding instincts weirdly worked. He’d be thankful then, that they saved his life, despite the fact that he now technically counted to Patton’s instincts as part of his hoard. Patton was adamant that he’d been trying to rid himself of the attachment before, but once Virgil was in danger his insticts had been set aside to save the poor human. He couldn’t help that touching Virgil just solidified his instincts’s claim.

-Patton lets Virgil know he’s welcomed to leave any time he wants to, that they were safely away from the dangerous village now. Virgil finds he doesn’t want to leave just yet, and they settle on becoming friends.

-Patton is friends with Roman and Remus, and often visits them when he’s feeling too lonely. He’s plenty friendly with Janus and Logan at this point, being a much softer natured dragon than the twin dragons.

-the group finds it very, very coincidental and very ironic the first time Patton brings Virgil with him to hang out.

-their love story is a bit slower, but lets just say one day months down the line, Virgil pulls Patton into a really shy kiss and Patton all but startles Virgil with the happy purr that bursts from the back of his throat. Its not to much longer after that that theyre relationship is fully established.

[poloniumicecream]

i was tagged by @starryeyedagony​ and @hashbrownteamcobrakai​ for this absurdly long list of personal questions <3 no one could possibly need to know this much about me, but let’s go


1. what is the color of your hairbrush? i just... use my hand.... i keep my hair short, it curls and does its own thing

2. name a food you never eat: 
idk i’ll eat what’s offered to me?? i buy what’s easy?? i have no strong food opinions at the moment

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? i have this bird bone body like an ailing victorian child, anything under 70º and i’m freezing

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? was trying to be productive but instead found a good link to the blue lick horror house🙏 idk what’s so fascinating about this thing, but i can’t let it go. maybe bc i have nightmares that resemble this space?? anyway i live here now

5. what’s your favorite candy bar? reeses never lets me down

6. have you ever been to a professional sports game? 
memories blocked, sports too boring to think about

7. what is the last thing you said out loud? i regret to admit i am reading this out loud as i go

8. what is your favorite ice cream? idk but the worst i ever had was peanut butter

9. what was the last thing you had to drink? some faintly bleachy tap water, delicious

10. do you like your wallet? i use a coin purse to hold cards and cash - it's a pretty recognizable bright colored mass produced one. a while back there was a popular celebrity on the periphery of my friend group (don’t ask pls) and one time at a bar or something i had my "wallet" out and from across the room they locked eyes with me and pulled the Same One out of their pocket. pretty sure it was weed tho. but imagine carrying ur weed in a normal bill-fold wallet. that would have been funnier :/

11. what is the last thing you ate? 
lost in the turbine of my memory

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? i did not but i just got a new desk lamp, genuinely v excited for that to arrive

13. what’s the last sporting event you watched? 
i don't think this question applies to my experiences

14. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? popcorn smells are compelling but if i eat things that stick in my teeth i'll lose my entire mind. wait this is it, the answer to number 2

15. who is the last person you sent a text message to? close inner circle group chat planning our surprise private island getaway. no but we’re making (safe!) halloween plans

16. ever been camping? not as often as usual this year but yes! see above

17. do you take vitamins? 
those gummy ones like fruit snacks

18. do you regularly attend a place of worship? 
nah

19. do you have a tan? i'm ghostly

20. do you prefer Chinese or pizza? i'm pickier about pizza. u can't go wrong with chinese

21. do you drink your soda through a straw? no...?

22. what color socks do you usually wear? mostly dark but i have some fluffy pastel ones specifically bc the contrast in my laundry is funny to me

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? i'm gay i don't drive

24. what terrifies you? 
third date kind of question!

25. look to your left, what do you see? dying jade plants and beyond these, a cat's loving gaze

26. what chore do you hate most? 
vacuuming. loud

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? 
family

28. what’s your favorite soda? 
dr pepper only. i don't really drink soda tho. i was raised by the kind of parents who put fruit juice in seltzer and sold me that lie. i guess it stuck

29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? there are so many food questions in this list pls

30. what’s your favorite number? 
secret information

31. who’s the last person you talked to? 
my father. probably the person i've spoken with out loud the most this year

32. favorite meat? i no longer eat meat

33. last song you listened to? it’s been a war on drugs kind of week

34. last book you read? 
i can't read

35. favorite day of the week? 
something cool about a thursday, i can't explain it

36. can you say the alphabet backwards? 
feeling very interrogated rn

37. how do you like your coffee? however it wants to be. i for real cannot supply food or beverage opinions like this on demand PLS

38. favorite pair of shoes? 
generic black leather lace up boots

39. time you normally get up? i'm drawing my shades and peering suspiciously outside through a crack rn

40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? ok when ur out somewhere with no artificial light and it makes the sky more dramatic and cool, either one is good

41. how many blankets are on your bed? not enough, season transitions are rough

42. describe your kitchen plates? ... grandma is that u?

43. describe your kitchen at the moment: 
it's clean, it's fine, grandma get out of here

44. do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? 
among the friends i drink with, one is a skilled bartender and we let him surprise us with whatever obscure drink he thinks each person should have that night. i would trust him with my life. conversely i just remembered my very best friend is also a bartender but him i wouldn’t let serve me anything except straight from the bottle. hm. what i’m trying to say is, the company i keep is more important to me than what's in the glass. should i also clarify i made these friends before they pursued this work and i’m not, like, frequenting bars to harass the staff? this answer is a mess lol

45. do you play cards? 
i don’t have a great attention span for learning or enduring things like that

46. what color is your car? 
u know what's funny is how much junk mail i get with car insurance offers. i wonder what color they think the car i've never had is

47. can you change a tire? 100% no and that would not stop me trying. it won’t be my car so i have nothing to lose and all of myself (also nothing) to give

48. your favorite state or province? idk i feel like a stranger everywhere i go except nyc

49. favorite job you’ve had? ok, mr. fbi i think that's enough

😔 i have not kept track of who’s been tagged or done this already, and the links will kill my tags anyway. do u have shit u need help procrastinating on? here, try this

[appleflavoredkitkats]

sweeney todd manila review

okay, just a heads up, i don’t know much about sweeney todd outside of this production and of what little bits i’ve heard of the other productions, so this won’t be the most professional review. i watched the show on the twentieth of october and i believe the whole cast was there.

btw, this is gonna be really messy bc i still have lots of stuff to do so i’m speed typing this review out KDDLJF.

(hello, @thegirlisuedtobe, this is for you! sorry if this is very late, i was really busy!)

- the set is phenomenal. before the show started, there was the sound of rain while smoke scattered across the stage. it really gave off a very eerie vibe to the show, even if it hasn’t started, and i give huge props to the set designers for setting the tone of the musical!

- here’s what amazed me the most about the set-- FLOATING CARS. there were cars hanging up on strings and just... wow. absolutely breathtaking. there was also an upperstage that was build particularly for this musical which was also well done as well. on stage left, there was this platform in particular that intrigued me because it was slanted and only had a railing that could possibly reach below your thigh. it was risky, i might say, and because of that, huge appreciation to the cast because they were able to maneuver themselves on that platform without slipping or injuring themselves.

- another interesting prop which i’m sure many of you have seen in promos was the red car that both mrs lovett and sweeney todd used. in my opinion, at first glance, the car looked cool, but there were some pros and cons.

- pros of the car: the car gave some kind of edginess to the musical. the main characters rode the car into the stage as their introduction and it really left a good impact! additionally, i loved the way how they moved the car around. all transitions were so smooth and commendable and i praise the designer who thought of all of these up.

- cons of the car: it was awkward when the setting was at the bakery of mrs lovett. the car represented the second floor of the building and the chair of sweeney’s barbershop merely rested on top of the car. it was... kinda confusing at first, especially when it is really up to the audience on how they want to interpret the murders that occurred on the car (more on that later). additionally, the car served as a weird divider to the shop, the bakehouse, and the barbershop, and honestly, they should’ve placed the barbershop on the upperstage instead of on top of the car. (gurl, when i say i was confused, i say i was confused.)

- the keep your cellphone message was really funny to me but... kinda long? like it was so unnecessarily long that i was confused whether the show started or not. i also thought they were checking the set since there was many props littered around. but when they eventually get to the point of things, it was really, really funny, so i commend them for adding this small comedic scene just for audience members to stop taking photos. 

- the singing of the cast was phenomenal! these people are just... so great, and it was definitely the highlight of the show. 

- now... here’s where i get a little bit iffy-- the costumes. i don’t really know what to say because the costumes seem... laughable. but not in a good way. it seems like they wanted to modernize the costumes which is understandable but at some cases, it kinda fails? 

- pros of costume: mrs lovett and pirelli really have the costumes which i loved. lea salonga did not look like herself but my god, did her costume stand out from the rest. and pirelli, on the other hand, had a cape that wooshed around a lot alongside a skirt, and boio, did nyoy volante nail this costume well. the modernizing costume thing didn’t really work with the others besides these two. other modernized costumes that look passable were tobias’ costume and some of the ensemble. (also, jonas fogg wore a denim jacket with a junji ito screencap on the back of it? uh, okay, i love junji ito but why is his manga featured here...)

- cons of costume: oh boy. sweeney todd’s costume was... eh. jeans, really? out of everything they could’ve given to sweeney fucking todd, they gave him a polo under a denim jacket under a blazer and jeans? then there’s the mess that is johanna’s costume design. girl, the designer probably went to an sm sale and decided to just shove anything they found in the department store into their cart. johanna’s dress was. eh. her wig? eh. the costumes didn’t snatch my wig but i’ll let them snatch my wig just so that they can replace whatever the heck johanna has on her head. additionally, not all costumes were modernized... which is like... what? the ensemble who had victorian era-esque costumes looked fine! they even could’ve given sweeney todd one of their costumes because it looked much better than the denim outfit they gave sweeney. it’s just quite... odd to see a mix of modernized costumes and oldstyle costumes mix all together because they lowkey clash with one another.

- okay, let’s move on to the actors themselves. let’s start of with lea salonga-- oh my god, she is a legend. she easily adapted into being mrs lovett and that is so commendable especially when she isn’t used to playing an insane role like that. her mrs lovett had consistent, chaotic energy which i admired and she really was the one to eye whenever you see her in a scene.

- jett pangan was great but he isn’t as consistent as lea when he portrayed his character. sweeney todd was insane, he is angery, he is chaotic but jett pangan portrayed him as stoic and silent in some parts. i really enjoyed his more insane side during little priest but i wished he kept it throughout the whole performance. what i did like about him is his voice is just so, so great. his vibratos were so good y’all, his singing in general makes up for everything. additionally, when sweeney gets emotional, he did a really good job portraying a sadder and more depressed kind of sweeney, almost like he was having some existential crisis on stage. (he really looked like he was regretting life choices during by the sea and the ending, it was actually kind of amusing).

- now, luigi quesada, an underrated actor from this production. god... he was just so consistent and energetic and an absolutely great actor. he really portrayed a pure soft boi through tobias and when he started to become insane, he portrayed that shift of character so fucking well. the shift of character was my absolute favorite thing because, in my opinion, it is the scariest thing that’s happened in sweeney todd. tobias was a pure, innocent child who wanted nothing more but to have a smol job and serve others nicely and then, bam, when he saw the corpses, something snapped in his head and it was so horrific to witness his change. additionally, luigi had such a cheerful singing voice which embodied the character well and accustomed to both the innocent and insane side of tobias.

- nyoy volante was another great treasure in this. he wasn’t as seen since his character died midway through but his stage presence is so great. he was so flamboyant while also being very comedic, using his costume to emphasize the comedy. also, he didn’t die immediately when he got attacked by sweeney, and he did portray the struggling pirelli so, so well. 

- gerald santos was... okay. he has a great singing voice, they all do, so i tend to judge how good they are based from their acting. gerald was really good at portraying a panicky anthony who was desperate for johanna. his character was really consistent and i like that! my main issue with gerald is at some times, his diction isn’t too great. i know that some filipinos (even me) would struggle pronouncing words in english, but if you’re an actor who’s worked on many musicals in english, i expect a lot from you. i think he had a really thick filipino/tagalog accent and mixed with a really mediocre british accent, it wasn’t too... understandable. i couldn’t understand most of his dialogue and because he can’t do accents well, his acting becomes affected. 

- mikkie volante’s voice is so fucking beautiful, how do you even sing that high and make it look easy? anyways, she portrayed a very frightful johanna very well, and i can’t believe how much the costume and wig really affects my perception of the character. it’s just... i can’t take her seriously if she looks... like that. okay, enough about the costumes-- her johanna felt scared and i felt that, but when she fell in love with anthony, she was desperate, and i fuckin loved it. being isolated for your entire life will leave you desperate for affection and mikkie fucking nailed it!

- andrew fernando was so-so as the judge. he wasn’t... creepy, or disturbing. his character is disgusting and so close-minded but i never felt any eerie vibes from him. i also think the costume he had was restricting him from doing anything because he had layers upon layers of clothing and when he began whipping himself, he looked like he struggled a lot to sing and do the actions (the costumes for this production is just so off in general it’s a bit offensive). there wasn’t much stage presence from him and i just wanted him to act a bit filthier.

- arman ferrer as the beadle was a trip. he portrays the character as so dumb and i loved it, it’s just the idiotic energy really cracks me up. additionally, his singing, oh my word, his singing is so good. he hits high notes like it was no problem and it was jawdropping. there was not much to say besides his fuckin costume was whack why did he wear that-- but overall, he was pretty solid!

- ima castro was good! she portrayed a crazy beggar woman which was so chaotic and funny and just fucking bonkers and i loved the energy she had! the only thing i note is that, at times, her voice would stop and i’m not sure if it was intentional or not? even if it wasn’t, it actually added to her character rather than brought her down.

- ensemble was... phenomenal. ignoring the costumes for the hundredth time, i love the ensemble so much because they don’t get enough credit yet they nail it every time they get into a production. their acting during the asylum scene? iconic. their accents? iconic. everything was so iconic.

- now, imma just say a few points in the show that i remembered which is worthy enough to tell yall of.

- here i’ll explain how the murders work. it’s kinda... weird. the execution was inconsistent and i remembered three ways on how they were able to kill and cook their victims. firstly, the murder with pirelli is the only one of its kind. sweeney sliced his throat and threw him into the driver’s seat of the car which was confusing considering how the other murders took place. the second kind of murder and the more common one is when sweeney sliced someone’s throat, the victim would walk off the car and walk into mrs lovett’s oven by themselves. i’m assuming that with pirelli, they didn’t bake him yet so they just hid him in some kind of box or crate somewhere. the third kind applied to the judge and the beggar woman wherein when they killed them, it was implied that they were brought to the bakehouse and not burnt.

- here’s my interpretation of how the murders go. in the original, the bakehouse was the basement, but here, i assume since they claim it’s a “bakehouse”, there’s a secret compartment in the barbershop that brings dead bodies directly into the oven. i’m guessing that with judge turpin and the beggar woman, the oven was not on so they were just... brought there? it’s really, really confusing and i wished they cleared it up so i won’t keep wondering about what is where and how things work. i do think that the victims walking into the oven is really genius because it was a perfect mix of comedy and eeriness which i really commend.

- i liked the way they portrayed the streets in this. they used the upper stage and it really clears up where each scenery is set! it isn’t like the bakery and barbershop wherein the set is confusing, it was much better than that. when mrs lovett and sweeney walked up to pirelli’s barbershop, the scenery was so interesting because they walk from above and look down at them. i really, really liked it.

- additionally, the sprays tobias advertised were cleaning sprays found in ace hardware store, that’s funny. also, the only time their haggard wigs would be effective is when tobias used it and nothing else. (i’ve seen better wigs in beautiful, where did those wigs go?)

- the way they portrayed johanna’s place was so, so good. johanna’s room would be atop the upper stage and, ugh, it’s just so well put-together. this whole set was the work of god and no one can convince me otherwise.

- the lighting was great but the sound design was a bit off for me. the electrocution noises were smart to use but i thought it was a bit too loud? like it was really off-putting. i wished they added gross sloshing noises when they were handling the body parts just to add give a better effect when mrs lovett was holding actual intestines and organs.

- the opening of act 2 was hilarious and one of the more intriguing parts of this musical. pangan’s voice? spectacular. lea’s look of distress whilst serving pies? hilarious. the ensemble? god’s gift to mankind. it was so comedic because sweeney is calmly singing about johanna whilst he slices throats and the victims, in a daze, just walk into an oven while mrs lovett’s expression just screams, “yea, that’s life.”

- i can’t believe. they used handkerchiefs to express what a wig is during the asylum scene. like............ really. where are the leftover wigs from beautiful???

- also, it was weird to me that johanna was the one who shot jonas fogg. it was kinda badass of her and perhaps portrayed her character to become more brave but i still kinda thought it was ooc? (ALSO DEAN ROSEN IS GREAT I LOVE HIM HE POSTS CAT STUFF ON IG AND THATS ALL HE DOES)

- okay someone clarify with me because i initially thought tobias escaped the bakehouse, hence why they went looking for him, but they said it was locked from the outside and i’m left confused why they left in the first place...?

- btw whenever lea speaks, i become more of a lesbian, thanks lea salonga.

- when the plot twist was revealed and mrs lovett and sweeney were slow dancing, that was a theatrical experience. god, just... mrs lovett with the most fearful look in her face as sweeney slowly moves her into the oven is so iconic and that has to be one of the more chilling scenes in the musical. then, once sweeney kills her off, she holds the beggar lady close to him and he looks absolutely mournful.

- AND THEN TOBIAS FUCKING COMES BACK AND GIVES THE BIGGEST CHILLS EVER. will i ever stop talking about how good tobias was written/how good luigi quesada is? probably not.

- anyways, tldr; sweeney todd was beyond average but wasn’t perfect, the costumes were. eh. the singing was perfect, the SET was amazing, lea salonga, nyoy volante, and luigi quesada own my heart, and philippine theatre really needs better wig suppliers, someone please donate your wigs to them.

[kweebtrash]

Idk if you’ve ever answered this, but I’m curious, why do you bias Johnny so hard? Messy actually made me start paying attention to Johnny more and I don’t regret it lol so thanks.

Ok so I have answered this before but I can't for the life of me find where I put it in my asks so I'll just rewrite my essay here. Bare with me it's long lmao. I remember I wrote about some physical stuff I like about him but let's take it from the top lmao.

SO I went to kcon ny 18 and I was a avid listener of NCT but I didn't really know any of the members by name or face or anything. And of course Johnny was one of the hosts because he speaks English and I was trying to find my bias and I thought maybe I would like taeyong (ppfffttt lmao) but my friends friend (who is a very toxic and gross and mean to other idols/groups) is a ty Stan and basically said "no he's mine. You can't have him. Go after Johnny or something." And I DEADASS SAID "NO HES UGLY"

Yah I thought my whole ass man was uglee 😂😂😂😂

So anyway I think around Sept or October my friend was really into NCT and was helping me to learn them and I don't remember what made me love Johnny so much specifically but it just kinda clicked.

So after that I just started biasing him so hard, he became my ult bias, and I flew all the way to Chicago for the concert just to see him cry.

So the reasons why I like him include:

Physical: BIG TOL BOIIIII. I have a thing for tol dumb goofy idiots with deep voices and big hands. A lot of my biases are like this lmao. But also BIG HANDS. His voice isn't super deep but I find it to be a nice tone in his own way. He has this cute overbite also?? Like idk why it's cute but I think it is and it makes him suck in air alot when he talks and it adds to his little lisp. (Don't @ me, I have an oral fixation ok) his smile is the cutest and makes me seo soft UM THOSE LIPS??? HI HELLO. His big ass broad shoulders??? HIS CUTE LIL PEACH BUTT??? THOSE THIGHS???? He competed with shownu on lipstick prince in a thigh separating contest and they tied one to one and shownu said it was kinda hard to beat him so this boy got STONK THIGHS. CHERRY BOMB EMO UNDERCUT JOHNNY BEING THE SUPERIOR JOHNNY??? His eyes are the most gorgeous things ever and he's made me fall in love with brown eyes. His hair always looks so floofy and soft. (Also we cannon him as having a big dick so)

Personality: A BIG ASS FUCKING AQUARIUS. so he's basically a big soft teddy bear thats extremely goofy and klutzy (which is also a majority of my biases). He puts his heart and soul into dancing on stage and masters choreography so damn well but when he dances on his own he's just...a white suburban dad trying to fit in with his teenage sons. It's soooooo bad. I am in a constant rotation of disappointment, second hand embarrassment, soft gushy lovey dovey feelings, and horniness when it comes to Johnny Suh. He's so awkward and weird like all the time and im just like WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS PLEASE STOP. He's the most extra person and can't do anything normally and with all of that he never fails to make me laugh. He's the biggest dork to exist. Also he has the best duality of man ever. On stage and in super modelesque pictures and some MVs he looks like a daddy that will tear your ass up in a heartbeat and other times he's just like (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*.✧ and the best uwu bean. He's literally so sweet and caring to people and so passionate about his hobbies (although he really like photography he's the worst fucking videographer ever and can't keep a camera still to save his life). He's a really great leader and his relationship with the others are so cute. Marks his brother, taeils his husband, Jae's his best friend, haechan and chenle are his sons, ten and ty have big ass gay love crushes on him (same sis). And it's all so precious. He's a big ass fucking Mama's boy and his relationship with his mom is the cutest thing ever. She loves her big ass baby so much and ME TOO MRS SUH ME TOO. He'd be the sweetest and dorkiest boyfriend ever and would always try and make you feel better when you're sad and make you laugh and give tons of hugs,kisses, and affection. And even tho us sluts categorize him as a big ass Dom he'd be really sweet in bed irl. He's just too much of a goofball to be any other way.

Career wise: well this one's hard because johfam suffer a lot when it comes to Johnny's talents. He's completely overlooked and forced to get one or two lines or some hype up chorus shit and it's really annoying but we find time to support him anyway. He has a really sweet soft voice and doesn't really have a big range like taeil but it's really nice none the less AND THEN THEY SLAP AUTOTUNE ON IT AND MAKE HIM SOUND FAKE. (See highway to heaven) he can play piano/keyboard and he's so good at it and I was at least happy that at their concert Johnny had a mini solo for the transition into regular where he got the spotlight and got to play the keyboard (cries forever). THEY DONT LET HIM DJ ANYMORE AND I DONT KNOW WHY HES SO CUTE WHEN HE DJS. BRING BACK DJ JOHNNY. Also he's supposed to be a rapper? Never raps? Supposed to be a lead dancer? Gets center for like 10 seconds. One day I hope he expands into other stuff though sm doesn't really let their idols do anything else (much). Like I think he'd make a good model. He knows how to take pics well. He walks well in heels believe it or not so maybe he won't completely fall on his face on the runway. Anyway let Johnny Suh have his moment to shine and showcase his talents bc sm thinks he ain't got any and wants him to suffer.

In summary he's just really sweet, kind, funny, and caring and hes talented but overlooked so we try and give him a lot of love and support.

Tl;Dr: Johnny's great. Stan Johnny.

[utopianvoices]

seven things | h.hyunjin

↭ genre: enemies to lovers au (kinda); fluff

↭ word count: 4.27k (i might’ve gone slightly crazy)

↭ a/n: yEs i is back!!!! here’s a hyunjin scenario that i don’t really like to make up for my disappearance from posting works :D i’m writing this on a whim so it might seem like i’m on crack but really it’s just me on a daily basis,, also this turned out way longer than i expected whoOps

⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

ok so

you were waiting outside the cafe that you and hyunjin usually go to

and y’all might be wondering 

why don’t you just go in??

that’s what i’m wondering too

well because

your best friend was late,,, for the 3rd time that week

and to say you were pissed was an understatement

just as you whipped your phone out to message that not so little nuisance, you heard rushed footsteps getting closer and closer

and you turn just in time to get aTTACKEd by this boy

“i’m SO sorry y/n i overslept and like i really tried to come on time but then the bus was late too and-”

“just stfu and never talk to me again”

well then

“noOOoOo y/n don’t say that i’m so sorry. i promise i’ll try my best not to be late from now onwards :(”

and like you really wanted to be mad at him

really

but he was pouting and your heart was going boom boom

because he just looked really adorable

so you just ended up going “ugh fine”

which was the cOmplete opposite of this whole speech you had planned in your head

about how you were going to stop being friends with him and move to another continent,,,,,,,,,,

yea maybe that wasn’t such a good speech

but you weren’t going to let him go that easily too

so, you being the absolute tease 

“you know i think it was better when we hated each other”

oUCh

and hyunjin being the drama king he is

decides to go overboard and clutches his chest, staggering around the entrance of the cafe

you just roll your eyes and walk into the cafe,,, ignoring the poor boy outside

as you scan the cafe for seats, you feel a weight on your shoulder

“you know the feeling of hate was never mutual”

and you look up to look at the party responsible for this new burden

and well let’s just say you were about to combust on the spot

because your best friend was one good looking boy

and like all this violent rush of thoughts took you back to when the only “feelings” you had for him was hate

*cue flashback* i suck at transitions im sOrry

so you were just chilling in class,,, minding your own business as you doodle on your book

when the school’s most popular girl decides to spill her salad juice or whatever disgusting green thing she was drinking, all over your papers 

and i mean, accidents happen ofc and you’re TOTALLY willing to let it go

if she had apologised

IF

but she was clearly too popular for petty things like apOlogies 

so you just open your mouth to fire at her when she cuts you right off

“that was my only juice, but i’ll forgive you since i’m so kind”

and you just stare at her like she grew 3 heads bcs

how is one so dUMb

“oH that was juice??? i thought you were drinking vomit, you know since it kinda matches up with your personality?”

oH no one messes with you

and you were trying really hard to hold your laughter in, because you were the sAss master and no one stood a chance against you

but she just whined like a little girl, with no proper comeback to match up to yours

“hyunjin baby!!! aren’t you going to say anything?!”

and you just realised the being standing behind her,,,, hwang hyunjin

soccer team’s star player/captain and pretty much the most popular boy

half the school was drooling whenever he passed by

and i mean,,, it’s not like the girls didn’t have good taste or anything of that sort

because this boy was sculpted by the gOds,,,, and you would be lying if you didn’t let yourself glance at him a little longer than needed when passing by

but like all cliche stories, the most popular girl and the most popular boy were dating

i mean,,, cmOn it’s a given

till this day you were still wondering how in heavens they ended up together,,, one’s a plain bitch and the other,,, well, not so much of an asshole

but all thoughts of him potentially being nice unlike his girlfriend flew out of the window in like a millisecond 

“hey y/n maybe you shouldn’t have left your bag to block the aisles”

bij say whAT

first of all,,, your bag was tucked close to your table, bcs you were a responsible student who cared for the well-being of other students,,, most of the time

second of all,,, how did he know your name?? 

you were pretty sure you never mentioned it

but as these thoughts were running through your head, rendering you silent,,, the bij thought she had “won” and took hyunjin’s hand with a smug face, walking off 

and you were too busy caught up in your own thoughts to notice the apologetic look hyunjin was desperately trying to get across to you,,,, 

but you knew one thing for sure after that small incident

you hated hwang hyunjin

call yourself a niggling bij but that’s just you,,, you gotta deal with what you gotta deal

so since that day, every time you glanced at hyunjin, your glance turned into a glare and you made sure he caught that “glance” before you broke eye contact and stormed off

your petty-meter was seriously off charts,,,,,

and it pains you to admit it but mAyhaps the reason you were so pissed was because you had this teeeeeeeeeny tiny crush on him, just like the rest of the girls in the school

because although he was a jock and dating that evil witch, he seemed nice to enough to smile at anyone who made eye contact with him and like,,,, basically for being the opposite of being a generic athletic jerk

but nAh that one sentence was enough to snap you out of your delulu and go about your own day,,,, ya know, hating hyunjin and stuff

the usual

so this goes on for weeks, you giving hyunjin your famous glare and hyunjin feeling his heart break every time you do it,,,, bcs he’s never had anyone hate him before

one day you were at the library, rushing your assignments bcs dAmn the queen of sass was also a queen of procrastination

like mate, stop procrastinating

you binge-watched your show over the weekends and now you were seated at the library, regretting your life decisions

and you’re so focused like, it’s a miracle that you’re that focused

but some iDIOT just breaks that focus by sitting from across you on YOUR table

who dares

you look, ready to snap at this soul when you realise who it was

oh

“hey y/n,,, can i sit here?”

“funny how you do it and then ask for permission”

at this hyunjin gives you a sheephish smile and goes

“well i had a hunch you wouldn’t have said yes if i had asked first”

“ding ding ding!!!!!! you’ve got the correct answer and earned yourself no shits from me!”

at this, you go back to your work, ignoring the cute pout hyunjin was now sporting because of your ignorance

3 minutes later and you’re disrupted again

“hey y/n,,, i’m sorry for what happened between you and her,,, i really didn’t mean to say that. i just wanted to let you know that i broke it off with her.”

“oh wow congrats”

you hear him sigh, feeling triumphant that you had gotten him to give up talking to you

well spoiler, you wERE WRONG

not even 2 minutes later

“hey, do you have a pen i can borrow? i lost mine,”

“hey do you know what this means”

“hey-”

tHAT WAS IT

“omG hyunjin i’m trying to finish my assignment will you just shut up for a while? like literally i’m willing to do anything to get you to shut up”

you furiously look back down at your assignment, wanting to get it over and done

and then you hear it

you hear him clearing his voice,,, indicating that he was about to speak again

just as you were about to cut him off

“anything?”

wut,,,,,

“what do you mean, anything?”

“you said you’ll do anything to get me to shut up. will you really?”

“ofC not what do you take me for??”

“okay then i guess i’ll just continue talking :>”

bOi

that did it for you

you slammed your book shut, and looked up at him, narrowing your eyes suspiciously

“what’s your deal?”

at this, hyunjin looks away, thinking for a while

just as you were starting to get impatient, he speaks up

“okay. okay okay okay. this is the deal. i’ll stop talking for the rest of the day if you promise that we can be friends. and that you won’t hate me anymore.”

well that was unexpeCTED

but you weren’t that easy

nah uh

“wOw you’re asking for a lot huh,,, hmmm let’s see,,,,,,,,,, no.”

and just as you were about to pack your stuff and move to another table, you hear something that stops you from moving

“i’ll help you with your assignment. i’ve already finished mine so it’ll be a piece of cake.”

now THAT was a good offer

“but i only help my friends with their assignments”

this lil sHIT

well played hwang hyunjin, well played *slowly claps*

you watched as he smirked at you, knowing that he had caught your weak spot

you had an internal debate with yourself, and finally came to a decision

will you regret this decision??

probably

but you were desperate

so you stare at him for a few seconds before extending your hand

“deal.”

he breaks out into a grin and grabs your hand, sealing the deal and the start of a new friendship

that night, just as you were about to sleep after that oh so eventful day you had, you hear your phone chime

you groan as you reach out, wanting to make as little movement as possible bcs,,,, you were lazy

you grab your phone by the tips of your fingers and check your messages

hyunjin: hey this is my address! [address]. see ya tmrw bestie <3

you roll your eyes at his attempts and type one letter before throwing your phone to the side and drifting off to dreamland, with a slight smile on your lips

you: k

the next morning,, you are there at hyunjin’s front door, right on time

bUt why aren’t you pressing the doorbell???? 

let’s be real,,, underneath all that sass, you were just a nervous teenage girl

before you could chicken out and leave, you smack yourself and press the doorbell

a few seconds later the door opens,, and you come face to face with a middle-aged woman

“hi dear, what can i do for you?”

aWkwArd,,,,

“uhm,,, i’m here to work on an assignment with hyunjin??”

“oh! hyunjin didn’t mention anything, but come right in!”

that little piece of uncultured swine

you walk into the house and stand around awkwardly, not knowing what to do or say

when his mother points you to his room, and lets you know that he’s probably still sleeping with a small shake of her head

hmMm looks like him oversleeping happens often

you contemplated if you should go in,,, cause ya know, privacy and shit

but you had to get your revenge??? obviously

so you silently walk in to the room and voila 

there was that sleeping lump, sprawled across a queen sized bed

as you get closer, you can’t help but notice just how good looking he was

i mean sUre you’ve seen him around in school but

with the amount of peace he had on his face,,, he looked almost ethereal

but with that thought, you snapped out of it

bcs exCuse yOu

you’re here for revenge

not to admire the boy

so you carefully lift your leg,,, and muster all the strength in the world

and BAM

you just kicked him off the bed,,, him falling onto the floor with a loud thud

and it did the trick !!!!

he shot right up and looked around, vision hazy and mind still blurred

just as he was starting to come to his senses, his eyes focus on the one girl standing on the other side of the bed,, smirk evident on her face

“that’s what you get for leaving me alone with the adults in the house”

and you walk right out,, leaving him to stare at you speechless 

time skip,,,, 5 hours later, and you’re all done with your assignment

and although you hated to admit it

it turned out pretty fricking amazing

thanks to your brain, your hardwork, a bit of hyunjin, but mostly your perseverance :D

oK but real talk literally you were screwed if he didn’t help so

you kinda owed him big time

“look man, thanks a lot for your help. i would have died without you”

and hyunjin just counters this statement with a smile and shakes his head, letting you know that it was okay

and you kindA felt bad,,,, i mean, you did try and kill him with your glares the past few weeks

and you weren’t thAt mean

so,,,

“uhm,,, do you think,, maybe,, we could start over? hard feelings forgotten?”

and this takes hyunjin by total surprise,,, like all he ever wanted was just to talk to you after seeing you stare him down the past few weeks

but he’d be lying if he said that his heart wasn’t bursting for joy bcs !!!! yay!!!! you didn’t hate him anymore!!!!! what a baby boy

so y’all start over that very day,,, and as expected, hit it off almost immediately

*end flashback*

sO back to now where you have an amazing best friend

pshhh best friend they say

what no i didn’t say anything

n E ways

oK fine,,, on top of him being your best friend, it was really no surprise that you fell for him

i mean cmon

he’s sweet

talented

bEautiful

and etc

but like bij nAh, you were never planning to confess bcs bij??? that could ruin your friendship????

everybody facepalm with me

so you just keep it a secret and try to live with it

except it was reaaally hard to keep it a secret

bcs you saw him almost every. single. day

he’s always asking you to do something with him

getting ice cream,, watching a movie,, going to the park

you even learned how to play soccer bcs he insisted on teaching you

but despite all this, you were still persistent that he saw you as nothing more than a friend,,, and that he did this with all his close friends

news flash: nO he did not

but since it was too much feelings for you to handle, you spill all of this to your other close friend, jisung

and he’s like 

“oOOoO expected,,, why don’t you just confess??”

and you’re like 

“are you duMB? it’s going to ruin our friendship?? i can’t do that??”

and he’s just like

“you’re the dumb one here sis, but go off, i guess”

bCs literally the whole world knew you two had heart eyes for each other

and by whole world, i mean jisung

and being xTra, he’s like,,, you know what?? i gotta get them together

so he “casually” makes a bet with you

and you’re like ooOoO fun

bcs you love bets

mainly has to do with the reason that you hardly ever lose one :>

so when jisung goes “if i get higher than you on this economics test, you gotta text hyunjin 7 reasons why you like him. no explanations given.”

and you really wanna say no and run away

but like

you were no coward

so you’re like “sUre bij bring it on, i was born ready for thi s”

so the day you get back your results, you’re more nervous for the bet than your grades

like you could fail, for all you care

but as long as you failed higher than jisung,, all’s fine

so when you get back your test with a 86 scribbled at the top, you grin to yourself,, convinced that there was no way he was gonna get any higher than you

but as you turn to show him your score,, your smile slowly fades,,,

bcs on his paper

a big red 92 is written at the top, with an ‘excellent’ scribbled next to it

“so,,, y/n,,, ready for what i’ve planned?”

and he’s just grinning like the cheshire cat, with you staring at him in disbelief, mentally counting down to your doom

the next day, you try to convince your mum that you’re down with a really bad disease, which makes it absolutely impossible for you to go school

but your mum ain’t buying that

so there you were, standing at your locker, looking left and right for any signs of han jisung

just as you thought you were safe, you hear someone calling out your name

your face turns white, as you turn around, expecting to come face to face with jisung

but instead you’re met with a raven-haired boy that made your heart beat unnecessarily fast

“whatcha doing today after school??”

and you’re just like qUick think of an excuse

bcs you were in no position to stay with him any longer than necessary for fear that you may just blurt out what you had formed in your head bcs of the bet

“uhhh i’ve got plans with jisung!! we’re gonna go to,, the market! yea!”

seriously,,,, that’s the best you could come up with??

so hyunjin just gives you a really weird look and draws out a “okay,,,,,,,,”

and you’re just like “yea okay bye!!!”

and you run the heCK away

time skip and it’s the end of school

the time which you were dreading,,, because there stood han jisung, waiting for you to confess to your crush

“jisung,,, i really don’t think i can do this,,, can’t i just like, buy you lunch for a week or something?”

“as tempting as that sounds, nO. you’ve gotta do this for yourself, for humanity, and for my sanity. i swear i can’t hear you talking about him again”

at his, you sigh, knowing that he’s right,,, but still not gaining the guts to do it

“come on y/n,,,, you know that on top of me really wanting you to stop bothering me about him, you really gotta get your feelings out of your system,,, you’re not going to be able to keep everything in.”

and although you just wanted to die and chill in heaven at that moment

jisung had a point,,, which was a rare occurrence 

so you decide to listen to him,,, i mean, what’d you got to lose???

maybe your shame

and your precious friendship

but that’s it

so you whip your phone out and press the top contact on your phone

“ok here i go,,,”

“yEs queen!!! get it!”

you briefly roll your eyes at him, before returning your eyes to the screen

the cursor blinking, almost tauntingly

you breathe out and just take it as a platform to let it all out

i love the way you play soccer

ofc you do,,, i’m the best :P

you feel slight relief at his reply, but at the same time, you couldn’t stop the way slight disappointment filled you at his interpretation of you texts

jisung peeked at your phone from over your shoulder, immediately voicing out objections

“come on y/n!! that’s so lame! that barely counts as a confession!”

you groan out loud, and type on your phone, earning a hum of satisfaction from the nosy boy behind you

i love the way your eyes crinkle when you smile 

why, thank you y/n,,,, but what’s with the sudden compliment spree

“ugh, jisung i’m going crazy,,,”

you actually were,,, moments away from throwing your phone into the lake right beside where you were seated

“you got this love,,, just a few more and you can live with no regrets,”

you knew he was right,,, although it was absolutely embarrassing, you know you would regret not telling him in the future

i love the mole underneath your eye

y/n??? c’mon, what’s wrong? are you pranking me right now??

you take a deep breath, and continue on, with the newly found courage

i love the way you pestered me to talk to you even though i was being a complete ass

hey seriously, tell me what’s happening?

i love the way you always manage to put a smile on my face no matter the circumstance

y/n, please,,, don’t fill me with empty hope,, cut it out if you’re pranking me,,,

,,, empty hope? what’s that supposed to mean??

whatever it meant, it sure did it’s part in speeding up your already dying heart 

you suck it up, butterflies growing stronger as you get closer and closer to your last message

i love how my heart speeds up merely at the mention of your name

tell me that this is what i think it means,,,

you stared at your screen, three simple words written out

but your fingers seemed to be jammed, unable to press the send button

was this all just a mistake?? maybe you could just play it off as a prank by jisung

“you got his honey,,, just do it,, press the button” 

and with this encouragement from jisung, you press the send button without further hesitation, feeling as though your heart physically stopped as you observed how the “delivered” changed to “read”, indicating that he had read your message

i love you.

are you for real???? i’m coming to you now. where are you?

you stare at your phone, unable to comprehend what had happened in the past few minutes, as jisung slowly pries your phone from you

he types your whereabouts, as you continue to space out, heart beating at an unusual pace as you still try to process what you just did

“i’m going to leave now okay? just know that i am really proud of what you did,,,, and don’t worry too much, everything will be fine,”

with this, jisung leaves, leaving you to sit there alone, just wondering how things were going to be between you and hyunjin now

were y’all going to stop being friends??

or maybe you could just completely ignore what had happened and go back to being how y’all used to be,,,,

as you were in your own world, you fail to hear the footsteps that stopped right behind you

you hear someone take a seat beside you and whip your head to the side, almost regretting it immediately

“so,,, your messages,,,,”

and before you could do anything else, words just spill from you mouth with no filter whatsover

“i’m so sorry hyunjin, i really am,,, i know that we’ve been really really close friends and i might have just ruined what we had. i understand if you don’t wanna be friends anymore but i guess i hope we could just forget this and move on? i mean, that’s totally your choice because-”

and you’re cut off, just like that

no warning

nothing

zilch

nada

and the only thing that stopped you from continuing your rant was the fact that there a pair of lips on yours

hyunjin’s ones to be exact

whAT

DID WE EXPECT THIS???

yes, yes we did

but you certainly got the answer to your worries by that one action

as y’all break apart, you stare at him still dazed by the kiss, as he smiles lovingly at you

“i was so afraid that you were just pranking me,,, because if you had been, i would’ve been so heartbroken cause i really got my hopes really high,,, like, super high,, i guess i never replied you tho,,,, i love you too y/n. more than you can imagine.”

and you just snap out of it and do something you always do when you had to cope with intense situation

you laughed

you laughed and laughed and laughed

were you laughing at the fact that the person you loved, loved you back?

were you laughing at the fact that jisung was right for once?

or were you laughing at the fact that you were being a dumbass all this while when you could’ve manned up sooner?

you never found out

but what you did find out, is that being in love was amazing

especially when the person you were in love with was hwang hyunjin

so since then, you’ve been having a pretty frickin amazing life

good grades, hot boyfriend, the whole package

the news that you both were dating spread like wildfire

half of them were surprised, the other half jealous

but people were mostly surprised bcs of the fact that they thought you and him were already dating,,,

like you both were glued to each other every other day

so with that, everyone slowly got accustomed to the fact the school’s jock was once again taken

your relationship with hyunjin didn’t actually change that much,,, other than the fact that y’all kissed and did all the mushy shit

and also omg imagine 

you going for his soccer games, sporting his extra jersey that had “hwang” on the back of it, together with the number he was playing

and also him giving you flying kisses right before the starting whistle blows

and running over to you to give you a proper kiss once the final whistle had been blown, win or lose

and you couldn’t have been happier

∞ end ∞

[sickeningradiances]

tagged by @cishethiruzen tysm!! ♥

What was your last

Drink: orange mirinda with ICE bc its SUMMER

Phone call: i dont remember but i dont talk to anyone else but momther

Last text: i just checked my texts and theyre all from bank and me asking the operator how much money i have...

Last song: Dehumanized by Disturbed

Last time I cried: its been some time! a good month! so im gonna say a month back from frustration

Have you ever dated anyone: i had.. 2 girlfriend and one boyfriend, who was a cishet, so in retrospect i hope he never finds out i discovered my gender

Kissed some one and regretted it: yep, im gonna say my ex bf

Have you ever been cheated on: not to my knowledge

Lost someone special: a few friends stopped talking to me, but im not mourning that anymore

Been drunk and thrown up: i havent been drunk for 3 years, but before that i did not throw up

List three favorite colors: gold, black, red (yes basic)

In the last year have you…

Made a new friend: yes it helped me a LOT with mental health

Fallen out of love: not yet but hopefully ill lose this stupid crush

Laughed till you cried: YEA when i killed ashe with my sparrow

Met someone who changed you: yes i’d say all of my new friends have helped me to become better

Found out who your true friends are: i guess?

Found out someone was talking about you: not to my knowledge.. Yet

Kissed someone on your FB friends list: i have no gotdamn idea whos on my fb friends list but i did not Kiss Anyone so either way no lmao

General

How many ppl do you know on your FB list irl: i have a feeling this thing is from facebook

Do you have any pets: MY CAT.... LIL SASKE, OR PIZZA JR i love him so much every day i am excited to come home to see him

Do you want to change your name: one day when i transition

What did you do for your last birthday: im Pretty sure i played overwatch as a highlight of the day

What time did you wake up today: 7:35 and i was late to work but 4 hours of sleep do that

What were you doing at midnight last night: gaming.. well i go to sleep at midnight so finishing up (and then i listened to mbmbam for 2 hours)

Something you cannot wait for: week in august when i’ll be home from work lmao AND destiny shadowkeep

Last time you saw your mother: this morning

What is one thin you wish you could change about life: about my life you kn ow... transition. but about life in general, im gonna say i wish climate change wasnt a thing and rich people wouldnt be killing planet but o Boy

What are you listening to right now: Walk away from the sun by Seether

Have you ever talked to a man named Tom: i dont think so?

What’s getting on your nerves: work... colleagues think i can write for 7 hours in this heat with my tired jello hands

Most visited website: ouch tumblr

Nickname: Pizza

Relationship status: single and dumbass

Zodiac sign: virgo

Pronouns: he/him

Fav tv shows: i dont remember..i dont really watch Anything but i do read books so here’s current two: ascension (obviously) and Ninefox Gambit (and rest of the triology) by Yoon Ha Lee

Hair color: brown, all red has grown out

Long or short: short

Height: 173cm..i think 5′7

Do you have a crush on someone: dont call me out

What do you like about yourself: i am really loving this new Can Read Books Pizza that ive never met before, i can finally focus on something for a while

Tattoos: constellation of virgo on my forearm, i want taurus next and capricorn after

Righty or lefty: right and i have to look at my arm everytime im trying to say sides

First surgery: none

First piercing: none agane

First best friend: in kindergarden i used to  have friend called Niki cause no one else liked me, so when she wasnt in for a day i just. sulked alone ajkfsk but also we could say my cousin michelle

First sport you joined: i liked and still like only volleyball

First pair of trainers: i dont fucking know

Right now

Eating: early dinner cause i had munchies

Drinking: same orange soda

Listening to: second one in same quiz.. well song changed so Words as Weapons by Seether (i am listening to only seether today for some reason)

Want kids: Not At All

Career: Ive always wanted to write or paint..but my interests dont hold for long

Which is better

Lips or eyes: eyes

Hugs or kisses: casually hugs but i woudlnt mind kisses smh

Shorter or taller: Everyone Must Be Shorter Than Me

Romantic or spontaneous: rrromantic?

Nice stomach or nice arms: ?? arms? id say hands

Sensitive or loud: sensitive.. whatever but not loud

Hookup or relationship: relationship ig

Troublemaker or hesitant: i used to be troublemaker but now hesitant

Have you ever

Kissed a stranger: no

Drank hard liquor: uhm yea im slavic

Lost glasses/contacts: never had glasses

Sex on the first date: i dont think ive had DATES but either way no

Broke someone’s heart: i think all of my exes broke up with me

Had your heart broken: yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Been arrested: lmao i dont go outside

Turned someone down: that would require people to ask me out lmao

Cried when someone died: i dont

Fallen for a friend: HEY I SAID DONT CALL ME OUT

Do you believe in

Yourself: IM TRYING

Miracles: hmmm depends

Love at first site: nnooo

Santa Claus: we  dont have santa lmao but i didnt believe in baby jesus for long either

Kiss on the first date: oh Yea

Angels: i want to but not christian angels.. just some supernatural beings

im tagging (sorry lmao i have no friends) @ashesucksatowofficial @artimidas @uchithot and @lady-efriyeet hi

[kkaitstudies]

let’s be real: university tips & advice by kkaitstudies

hi there! i’m going to be trying something new i’ll be calling “let’s be real with kkaitstudies” in which i give you some tips & advice based on my own personal experiences. i am not a perfect student. i’d prepare for things only for to have them unravel, change courses, or i’d simply lose motivation. so let’s get into it.

the campus bookstore shouldn’t be your first stop. welcome to the world in which you have to buy your own textbooks - but you don’t need to buy it at full price! check amazon, second hand book stores, and look for online PDFs if that’s smth you’re into. some unis have “free/for sale” or “textbook exchange” groups on FB. buying textbooks second-hand from upper years has saved me soooo much money

avoid taking classes before 10am. the ppl don’t lie when they say 8ams suck. if you have the ability to choose your class times, choose sections that start at 10am or later bc waking up early after a long night of studying or doing assignments is not fun.

ratemyprof will be your saviour. nothing ruins a subject more than a bad prof. i’ve had my share of amazing profs (you will srsly rave abt them for the rest of your uni career) and not-so-amazing profs. checking out reviews on ratemyprofessor. just look up your uni then professor and read all those reviews. these anons mention the course code, if textbook is needed, if they’d take it again, and their own comments. most classes i chose by prof ended up being the ones i’d talk nonstop about.

check out all the sick resources your school has!!! i seriously cannot stress this enough, bc i’m a fool that really only started doing this in 3rd year and with only 1 year left, i regret not doing this earlier. newsflash: parts of your tuition pay for all the amazing services available to you. your school may have a gym/pool for students, career centres, access to study/collab rooms, cafeterias, centres and safe spaces for members of marginalized communities, student mentorship, therapy dogs, STUDENT GROUPS AND COURSE UNIONS!!, etc. take some time in between classes to check them out. watch some sports games! apply for scholarships that are available to you!

the first semester is an adjustment period, and every semester following will teach you something new abt yourself. the transition from high school to university for me was in nooooo way smooth. especially as a commuter student, i had to adjust the routines i had around my home and school life. i had to learn how to make friends again. in third yr i learned that the way i had been doing notes since first year didn’t actually work for me. going into fourth year, i’m getting over my fear of the campus gym, and will actually start budgeting bc i spend waaaay too much money on food on campus. you’re always learning! don’t be afraid to explore new things and experiment bc everyone’s doing it too.

and to finish it off (for now), it’s okay to question your major, change it, take more than four years, take gap years, or drop out altogether. don’t see this piece of advice much, huh? that’s the thing - there’s a huge stigma around doing anything outside of sticking to the same major for the designated around of time. but why? so much can change from the second you walk off that stage at high school graduation. you can enter your major thinking it’s what you wanted to do, take some classes, and realize that you’re unhappy; that it’s not what you expected or wanted. and that’s okay. your feelings of uncertainty are valid. so many ppl that i know have changed majors, decided they’re doing an extra year, or dropped out of uni. if this is you, talk to more ppl abt it - esp others in this position. when ppl tell me abt their change of plans, i swear i can actually see the weight lifted off of their shoulders. your major should not be a burden. also lbr is it really worth it to be unhappy studying smth u don’t want to AND be like….$15k+ in debt for the sake of pleasing other people?

this post is getting long, so i will leave it at that for now. i’m sure there’ll be ppl that disagree with some things (and also critique me for my casual writing style haha) but let’s talk abt it! this let’s be real series is MEANT to hit you with my own and other’s realities. let me know what you guys think abt the series, and make some suggestions for more content i should post. thanks for reading and have a lovely day!

[shreyamistry]

Regrets And Tearful Goodbyes - (Kaitlyn Liao x MC)

Title: Regrets And Tearful Goodbyes (RATG)

Series: One Shot

Summary: Kaitlyn and Celeste reminisce about what was after the music video went live for Kaitlyn’s band. Celeste had moved on with Becca, and doesn’t know if she made the right choice anymore, and Kaitlyn has never stopped pining for the first girl she’s ever fallen in love... but reconciling isn’t as easy as it is in the movies. 

Warnings: angsty, a little sad, and kaitlyn’s hella sad so if sad kaitlyn makes you sad then maybe this isn’t for you lmao

Pairings: past Kaitlyn x MC, present Becca x MC

Tagging: @kennaxval (my favorite Kaitlyn stan! hope you can enjoy this sad piece haha)

A/N: I wrote this when I finally read that one chapter it happened in, but i read it a week late and then it took me a week to finally write this bc life, but this is set during The Senior chapter 9 maybe idk anymore lmao

Kaitlyn stares over the railing, her elbows resting on the metal bar. All of her dreams were coming true, they finished their first music video and reviews were nothing short of positive. Yet why did her heart feel heavy in her chest looking at her ‘best friend’ standing beside her?

Celeste’s face was bright, Kaitlyn couldn’t remember a time she didn’t see the glow on Celeste’s skin. Scratch that she could. When they broke up. Even with everything going on freshman year, she could always remember the way her eyes fell to the floor, the glow that dulled because of her. Hindsight, Kaitlyn thinks to herself, if only she would have realized it sooner that she was going to lose Celeste.

She was a bad girlfriend and lost the only girl she’s ever loved. She tried it with Annisa, but that fizzled out and she was grateful, would be best for the band if they didn’t catch feelings for each other. But Annisa wasn’t Celeste, she didn’t smile the same way, laugh at her jokes the same way, or love her the same way. She wondered why love felt so hard? Was it because she was a lesbian or was love in general just dumb and hard? She looks at her hands resting on the railing, her fingertips slightly pink from practicing without a pick earlier. Bruised... She thinks to herself her mind instantly making her think of Celeste’s sobs as she broke up with her, she hates to think about the fact she left Celeste bruised and hurt.

She nudges Celeste with her shoulder looking over at her with a caring smile. “Hey...you over there. You just got awfully quiet.” Celeste nods in response letting out a sigh, her facial features transitioning into a pensive thoughtful look. Kaitlyn waits a few seconds before broaching the subject again. “Is something wrong?” Kaitlyn hates the pensive look on Celeste’s face. She loved her too much to stop worrying about her, to stop involving her in her life as though she still was, she just wanted to wrap her arms around Celeste, pepper her with kisses, and reassure her, but she can’t.

Becca does that now.

Becca does everything for her now, that Kaitlyn wished she still did for her.

“No, I mean not really. I got up in my head about Senior year when you wrote, ‘I’ll miss you, Hartfield.’” Kaitlyn notes the sadness in her voice, she couldn’t quite place why it felt more than just the end of Hartfield.

But even so, she wanted to comfort her. Senior Year isn’t over yet. “Oh… I meant while I’m on tour, but yeah, I’ll miss it when I graduate, too.” I’ll miss you more.

Celeste sighs wrapping an arm around Kaitlyn using her for support, letting her head fall on Kaitlyn’s shoulder. Kaitlyn holds her breath, you’re just friends, she reminds herself. “I just wonder is everyone drifting apart?”

And it finally made sense to her now, why Celeste was acting so out of the blue sad and broken down. The end of Hartfeld meant so much more, the place they fell in love they had to finally say goodbye to. The place she fell in love with Becca at as well. She never would’ve thought the first night in the suite was the beginning of the end, could she really lose everything her and her friends fought for and worked towards? What're four years of everything they’ve all been through if they stop talking. Kaitlyn didn’t think they’d fall apart, but all roses have their thorns.

“I mean, I don’t know.” And Kaitlyn didn’t know. Everyone was moving on with their life, it happens after college. Her smile falters, she finally has to let Celeste go sooner or later, there’s no way they can stay together when they’re just friends. “I wasn’t planning on going back to Austin, per se.”

“Yeah, but sooner or later, it happens to everyone. We all want to be next door neighbors, but I don’t know.” And the look crosses her face again and Kaitlyn’s heart skips a beat as she looks up to meet Kaitlyn’s eyes. An unspoken sadness settling between them for a moment before Celeste continues. “Becca’s thinking about going into criminal law, and transferring all the way to Howg University in California.”

Becca.

“I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Becca loves you.” The words leave Kaitlyn’s lips happily, but they sound even more bitter in her mouth to herself. She loves Becca and Becca loves her. And Kaitlyn loves her band… that’s how things were now, there was no more Kaitlyn loves Celeste and Celeste loves Kaitlyn. “That’s so freakin’ obvious.”

“Yeah,” Celeste says sadly, “Do you ever wonder…” Celeste stops herself before she can finish the statement. And Kaitlyn knows exactly what she means. How could she not? How do you tell someone you’ve never let go that every day you wake up and wonder what could’ve been… what might’ve been if she was a better person? She never would forgive herself for everything she put Celeste through, but god would she do everything in her power to be someone that Celeste could count on again if she ever wanted.

“Every day,” Kaitlyn answers staring straight ahead at the band and Abbie talking in the lounge eating the remainder of the pizza. “Every fucking day, Celeste.” Kaitlyn doesn’t know why she says it, why she admits… but she does it anyway.

“Sometimes... I wonder if I made the wrong choice.” Celeste admits, unwrapping herself from Kaitlyn’s arm. Kaitlyn misses the contact instantly, but doesn’t will herself to look at Celeste, she doesn’t want her to see the tears in her eyes. “That maybe… you were the one.”

Kaitlyn’s heart jumps into her throat.

“Don’t go saying things like that Celeste,” Kaitlyn whispers brushing the back of her hand against her eye. “You love Becca.”

“I love Becca,” Celeste repeats after her, the words sounding more forced than Kaitlyn has ever heard her say before. “You’re right. Becca helped me through everything you and I went through.”

She couldn’t deny that. “Yeah,” Kaitlyn whispers. Becca was everything Celeste needed, Kaitlyn knew that. She helped Becca, she changed Becca and herself. And Becca helped her. They were practically made for each other if Kaitlyn didn’t know the truth. The doubt. You never doubt the people you love, but then again… Celeste doubted her not that long ago.

“I should go… thank you, Kaitlyn.”

She didn’t want Celeste to go, but who was she to stop her? Becca won. At the end of the day, she made her choice and drove Celeste into Becca’s arms whether intentional or not, Kaitlyn knew she had to live with it. Her mouth and lips felt dry the feelings settling into her chest, threading through her heart like a vine. Wounds that should already be healed, still left her gutted knowing it was her fault and her fault alone. She never understood how people drove people away in movies or TV, but she did it. She drove Celeste so far away… She glances back to Celeste tears stinging her eyes as she takes a steady breath.

“For what it’s worth, Kait...” Celeste stops at the top of the stairs turning to look at her, brushing a strand of hair behind her own ear, a tinge of a blush decorating her cheeks as she ponders her words for a brief few seconds. “I really did love you, Kaitlyn, I honestly thought we’d be together forever. I know this is a shit closure, but it’s about time, right? Kaitlyn Liao you’re going to make a girl so happy one day, and she’s going to love you back and you deserve it.” Kaitlyn forced a sad smile waving goodbye to her ex-girlfriend and best friend. She watches her make her way to the exit and she never sees her turn around…

Closure is bullshit, Kaitlyn thinks to herself kicking over her drink in a huff of anger leaving the discarded cup on the floor speeding down the stairs with her hands shoved into her pocket, letting a forced smile take over her face approaching her bandmates. If only she had the courage to go after Celeste. She shakes her head falling down next to Abbie making herself laugh at the joke that Rachel makes to the group

[a-simple-lee]

Artistic Inspiration - An SPN fic

Prompt (anonymous): Can u do a soulmate au destiel, were they both won’t stop bothering each other with tickles?! I know that theres not really a plot, but I love the soulmate au and I thought that you wrote for it before, sorry if you didn’t ( I have a horrible memory) thank u 😘

Author’s Note: Ok so although I do not in fact write for the Soulmate AU, I was so happy to receive this request bc it’s absolutely one of my favourite AU’s ever, and I’d been hoping to write it for a while! I wasn’t sure exactly which Soulmate AU was referred to in this prompt, since there are a bunch of different ones, but I went with the classic one where soulmates are linked through their skin, and whatever is drawn on their skin also appears on their soulmate’s skin, if that makes sense. I think there was a tickle fic I read a while back set in the same AU, I’ll go and find it and link it as soon as I can! 

Wordcount: 3,122

Description: Destiel. Cas probably shouldn’t have told his soulmate he was ticklish. Silly drawing antics ensue.

           It had first started when Dean was in secondary school. His teacher was attempting to somehow excite interest in a bunch of teens who couldn’t possibly care less about trying to find the solutions of simultaneous equations, and Dean was barely awake. Somehow the pen that was supposed to be taking notes had drifted to the inside of his wrist, where it was tracing the beginnings of a small doodle. Dean glanced down at the ink flooding onto his skin and squinted in concentration, joining the last two points. There. A tiny star. Some miniscule whisper in the back of his mind scolded him for drawing on his skin; from a young age it was strongly discouraged that children draw on their arms, lest their soulmate reply - that sort of bond wasn’t meant to be formed until later in life.

           But Dean had had enough. After all, it didn’t exactly feel like he was ruining fate’s plans; there was no sense of foreboding, no guilt burning in his blood. None of this seemed wrong. It just felt like the nib of a pen pressing on his skin.

           …Wait a minute.

He wasn’t drawing.

His breathing stilted for a moment, air seeming to catch in the space between his throat and chest. Eyes turned to the ceiling, he tried to find where the oxygen in the air had gone. There wasn’t any. Against his will, his gaze drifted to where he’d drawn the star.

A single planet orbited it. The ink was blue, written in fountain pen.

Hand fumbling over the maze of his desk, Dean grabbed his biro. His mouth found the end and chewed as his mind raced. What do you say to the person you’re supposed to spend eternity with?

Bored.

He could’ve rolled his eyes at the stupidity of it. But it was all he could think to write.

A wave of cobalt swept over his wrist, forming a letter. Rapt, Dean watched in unbridled curiosity as the reply took shape.

Same.

Dean grinned. Glancing at the teacher to check they were still occupied, his pen returned to his skin.

I’m Dean. You?

Castiel. But Cas is easier.

At the front of the classroom, the teacher’s whiteboard pen stopped squeaking as they turned to the students.

“And…that’s the solution. Everybody got that?”

           Six years later, and Cas was propping his head up over a med textbook. He couldn’t fathom why he’d wanted to choose one of the most tedious majors in existence, yet for some reason he felt himself driven to study. At one am. On a monday night. Technically tuesday morning, Cas reasoned to himself with a note of hysteria. The college library wasn’t completely empty; a few solitary students were hunched over their notes as if they held universal secrets, clearly cramming for tests. Cas winced out of sympathy - his phone buzzed, and his hand reached out to dismiss it in a frustrated swipe. He tugged on his sweater sleeves and rubbed his eyes, too exhausted to try to memorize any more diagrams of the human Endocrine system. Picking up his pen with a huff, he attempted to make some more notes.

           Yet when he found his hand drifted to his skin instead, Castiel didn’t mind. His eyes widened when he saw he’d already been left a message.

You awake?

He quickly scribbled out a response.

Sorry. I didn’t notice the writing. I am awake. Why are you?

I dunno. Couldn’t sleep, or something.

Dean, you make no sense.

Right back at ya. Why are YOU awake?

           A small huff of a laugh juddered out of Cas as he shook his head. A girl at the desk working over her calculator gave him an odd look.

Revision.

Need some help?

No. Too tired.

Why don’t we play a game, then? Keep you awake.

Dean, I don’t-

           His message was cut short when Dean scribbled over the ‘don’t’ he was writing.

Just say yes, I’m trying to help here.

Fine.

Ok. I’m gonna draw on you and you gotta write the scientific name of the body part on your wrist.

Dean, that sounds like it could-

No. I’m just trying to keep you awake, is all. Chill.

Ok.

           Cas planted his head firmly on the desk in a gesture of exasperation. There was a slight pause as he waited for something to happen. He flinched when the familiar pressure of Dean’s biro scraped over the inside of his upper arm, tracing a tiny line. Eyes scrunching as the pen suddenly changed course in an erratic jerk, his hand quickly scribbled the name out onto his wrist.

Bicep Brachii.

The writing halted for a moment as Dean seemed to consider Castiel’s answer. A few more seconds passed before his scrawled capitals appeared next to Cas’ cursive.

Sounds right. I just wanna finish the drawing, then I’ll do the next one.

Whatever you say, Da Vinci.

Shut up.

           The seconds between transitioning from Cas’ wrist to his inner arm seemed to carry an air of indignation. The med student felt his arm twitch against his will as the ink made touchdown on his skin again, continuing to make seemingly random lines. He tried to trace their paths in his mind, attempting a sort of mental join-the-dots; but it was becoming increasingly hard to concentrate on forming an image when the doodle seemed to be encroaching further and further up his arm. A slight quirk of his lips tried to pull itself into a reflexive smile as the trailing lines suddenly became quick pokes; Cas felt random ink dots being prodded and squiggled into his arm. He reached for his pen.

Ok, that’s enough. Can we move on?

Why?

It tickles.

You didn’t tell me you were ticklish.

           Castiel regretted the decision immediately - the feeling of a pen trailing up towards his armpit had him clamping his arms to his torso, trying to keep his composure in the middle of a library.

Stop!! I’m in the library!

           Much to his relief, the pen nib ceased its torture.

Alright, you dork.

Shut up.

Only if you go home and get some sleep.

           He rolled his eyes, reluctantly sliding his textbook into his satchel.

Fine. Good night.

Good night.

           A concerning groan sounded from the car as Dean made what felt like the thousandth tightening with his spanner. The impala juddered worryingly, and Dean groaned, wheeling his way out from underneath the car for a lunch break.

Hello, Dean.

           Cas’ writing was a welcome distraction from the frustration of car fixing, Dean decided. He grabbed his pen and began scrawling a response on his way to the kitchen.

Hey, Cas.

Sam was sat at the table, two sandwiches in front of him.

“How’s the break from college goin’, Sam?”

His brother groaned, sliding a sandwich to Dean, who took it and sat down, leaving it untouched for a minute.

“Uneventful. Jess and I have been writing to one another,” he paused, gesturing to his ink-covered arm. “but everybody else is just kind of taking a breather for the weekend.”

“Huh. Well, Baby’s not holding up too well. I’m gonna have to grab a couple new parts for her sometime-”

I didn’t appreciate your torture yesterday.

           Dean spluttered, shaking his head with a grin.

“Cas, you son of a b*tch.”

           Sam had since learned better than to question his brother’s conversations with his soulmate, and went back to eating his lunch.

It wasn’t torture, Cas.

You try being quiet in the library when someone is tickling you.

Nice try, but I ain’t ticklish.

Really?

Nope. Not at-  

A brief scribble under his arm caused him to recoil, words dying on his skin as his pen trailed into a jerky sort of flatline.

“Dude, you ok?” Sam was giving him a questioning look.

“U-uh yeah, Cas is just being a b*tch, is all” He remarked, before slamming his hands down on the table when something scrawled over his side.

“You sure?”

Cas, you’re so weird. Stop. His handwriting was stilted and shaky despite his efforts to remain unaffected by the pen scratching under his ribs.

“Dean, you are such a liar.” The older WInchester had failed to notice six foot four of brother behind him, reading the conversation on his arm. Before Dean could protest, Sam grabbed his arm and wrote a message to his soulmate.

Don’t listen to him. He’s lying about being ticklish.

Thank you, Sam (?)

           Dean snatched his hand back, rubbing at the ink in a vain attempt to erase it. A slight giggle escaped from his lips as Cas moved his focus to his tummy.

Dammit, Cas! Stop!

I need to finish my drawing.

           He sighed in annoyance, eyes pivoting to the ceiling in a plea to the Heavens before glancing back down and lifting his shirt slightly. A small galaxy was dotting its way over his torso, stars and planets floating in the gaps between his freckles. His head lowered to the table in resignation. It was going to be a while before Cas was finished.

           “Dude, where is your beer?” Gabriel’s head emerged from the kitchen doorway, and Cas looked up from his position in front of the TV to give a vague gesture.

“Second shelf, fridge door.” The loading screen of the WiiU didn’t seem to be moving much. It was one of the occasional times where Cas found himself visited by a brother, normally to play outdated video games and chat about college over beer. To call the experience enjoyable was far from the truth; people meant visits, and visits meant cleaning, which meant trying to convince others through the state of your living space that you were, in fact, mentally stable. Not to say that Cas didn’t appreciate Gabriel’s presence, per se; in fact he found the snarky blonde one of his more bearable relatives.

           Cas’s train of thought was interrupted when the familiar scratching of Dean’s handwriting appeared on the back of his hand.

Hey.

Hello, Dean.

“Talking with lover boy again, are we?” The couch cushions sank as Gabriel plonked himself next to Cas, placing a couple bottles of beer on the table. Cas grunted in acknowledgement, too busy reading Dean’s forming words to reply.

You know, Cas, I forgot to get you back for embarrassing me yesterday.

You wouldn’t. My brother’s here.

Great! He’ll probably help me figure out your ticklish spots.

Please don’t.

           The pillow resting under Dean’s chin shifted as he turned behind him to face Charlie, rucked up plaid shirt obscuring his vision as she stood beside his bare back.

“You know it’ll take a while to wash off, right? It’s some expensive ink.”

“Worth it,” He grinned. Charlie shrugged, grabbing her ink pot and a small paintbrush.

“He’s going to hate you for this,” The redhead’s smile was full of mischief as she sat down over the lower part of her friend’s back.

“Oh, I know. I know.” Dean grabbed the pen lying next to his hand to write a quick reply to Cas.

Sorry, no can do. Charlie needs to practise her body painting.

DEAN-

           Cas’ heart rate shot up, and he turned to Gabriel, eyes wide.

“U-uh, Gabriel, I know you just got here-”

“Something the matter, Cassie?”

“N-not really - yes - it’s complicated.”

“What’s he been saying to you?” Eyebrows furrowed, Gabriel seized his wrist, a wicked grin swiftly overtaking his features. Cas ducked his head, heat rushing to his face.

“Oh, I see~” Gabriel purred, eyes alight with mischief.

“No, Gabriel, it’s not what it looks like-” Suddenly he clamped both hands over his mouth, frame jolting in a reflexive twitch.

“Then, pray tell, ticklish baby bro, what is it?” But the person in question was curled up on the couch, streams of giggles flowing from his mouth as his body flailed in an attempt to stop an invisible tickler.

“Shehe’s pahahainting on my bahack! Mahahahake him stop!”

“Now why would I do that? His friend needs to practice!”

           A snort punctuated Cas’ hysterics, and Gabriel paused to laugh at his spectacle of a brother before whipping out a pen and leaving a message for Dean.

“Dammit-” Dean suppressed a grin as Charlie’s paintbrush swirled over the dip in his spine.

“Aww, whassa matter, Dean-o? Ticklish?”

“Shuhut up, this is worth it.”

“If you say so.” He could feel the smugness radiating from Charlie but didn’t have the resolve to snark at her without dissolving into giggles. With a note of hysteria, he wondered how Cas was holding up. Pressure on his right arm made him glance down.

Wow, Dean-o, going in for the kill already?

Dean frowned at the comic sans-esque writing.

Gabriel? How do you mean?

Dude, his back is a major tickle spot. He can’t stand it.

A smirk overtook his features.

Lucky guess, I suppose.

           Cas shrieked as the brushstrokes reached his shoulder blades, back contorting in the hopes of stopping the feeling of the ink being swished and dotted in playful swirls over his skin.

“Yikes, Cassie, you sound a little tense.”

“Gahahabe, no!”

“Lemme help you relax a bit.” With that, the elder sat over Cas’ hips, tippling his fingers over his brother’s sides as an experiment.

“Ahahaha, plehehehease!” Cas shook his head, dark hair beyond messy as he tried to escape the torment.

“Please what? Carry on? Sure.”

Cas had heard about Charlie before, and she’d sounded nice enough. Yet for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to think of her favourably any more, not with the downright sadistic painting technique. Each and every stroke took a detour, dragging out the tickling to its fullest before the brush lifted for only a few seconds before touching down on another area of his back to wreak havoc with a new style of brushwork, switching from broad sweeps to brief flicks and dabs. It was maddening.

“Nahahahaha!” His hysterics quickly became interspersed with more snorts, and Gabriel paused his torture to laugh at Cas.

“Are you kidding? Snorts? This is too adorable.”

“Shuhuhuhut uhuhup, Gahahabriel!”

“Telling me to shut up? In your position, Cassie? You’re gonna pay for that.”

           Gabriel swiftly returned to pinching up and down his brother’s sides, taking delight in the childish giggles that resulted.

“You okay there?” Charlie’s voice was tainted with mirth; she was enjoying herself way too much, Dean thought. He suppressed a flinch, and nodded, jaw tense.

“I-i’m good. How muhuch longer?”

“Almost done.” She replied, a wolfish grin taking shape as she flicked over a dimple at the bottom of Dean’s spine.

“I swear, you’re going down after this, Bradbury.”

“I’d watch your step, Winchester. You’re in no place to be making threats. And it’s Queen Bradbury to you.”

           Dean groaned into the couch cushion. The next few minutes would feel like forever.

“Aahahaha, Gabrihihiel, plehehehehease stahahahahap!”

“Bingo-bango! He speaks! For a moment there I thought you’d turned into a giggle machine, Cassanova!” Gabriel watched with amusement as Cas’ cheeks flushed a darker shade of red at the teasing.

“Ihihih’m nohohot a chihihihild! Plehehehease!”

“Hmmm,” He paused, feigning deliberation as he raised a hand to his chin. “Methinks it’s time for an attitude adjustment, no?”

“GABRIEL NO!” Cas marvelled at the fact the plea managed to make its way out in between laughs.

“More like, Gabriel, yes! Now where was that big bright red tickle button of yours? Yknow, the ones that have ‘do not push’ written on them in capitals?”

“PLEASE DON’T!” The younger Novak kicked his legs against the couch in desperation, dreading the oncoming assault.

“Ah, that’s right!” Gabriel halted, quickly snaking his hands up under Cas’ arms. “There they are!” His fingers wriggled in tandem, a smirk lighting up his features as his brother’s arms immediately clamped to their adjoining torso.

“NAHAHAHAHA!” Cas shut his eyes, the conflicting feelings too much to bear as his nervous system was overloaded with the signals from his heightened nerves. Unmitigated laughter bounced against the walls as he struggled to get free, words escaping his grasp as the tickling became too much. Within seconds, his laughter fell silent, and Cas was reduced to nothing more than a helpless, giggling puddle.

           His sibling quickly withdrew his hands, watching as Cas slowly regained some coherency. Eventually, the hysterics subsided into a more controlled flow of giggles, and Castiel curled up into a fetal position, riding out the remainder of the tickle attack by himself.

           At long last, Charlie’s work appeared to have come to a halt. Cas lay breathing heavily for a few seconds to regain precious oxygen before cautiously reaching for his pen, ignoring Gabriel’s snide remark about his ‘ridiculous ticklishness’.

I hate you.

No you don’t, Cas.

           Dean smiled at the ire seeping from Cas’ message before sitting up and turning to Charlie, careful not to let any wet ink on his skin touch the back of the couch.

“You think he’ll like it?” He huffed. Charlie nodded from beside him.

“It might get you out of any potential repercussions. Maybe.”

“I’ll take maybe over going through that again,” Dean grinned, elbowing Charlie when she reached up to ruffle his hair. His pen drifted to his wrist to elaborate.

No you don’t, Cas. Look in the mirror.

           The door to his bathroom swung open, and Cas stepped onto the tiled floor hesitantly, smooth stone feeling cold against his bare feet. Gabriel followed, and the pair stood in front of the mirror above the sink.

“Well, are you gonna see what it is?” He pushed, nudging Castiel in the shoulder. The latter rolled his eyes, and pulled off his ACDC shirt with a huff that was promptly cut off when the ink was revealed. Cas turned in front of the mirror, trying to get a better view of his own back.

“Wow, little bro. That’s a nice tattoo you got there.”

“I suppose Charlie’s practice may have payed off,” Cas admitted begrudgingly, staring awestruck at the masterpiece that had been traced onto his skin. A pair of black-tinged wings rested unfurled on his back, feathers branching out over his back and crossing onto the backs of his arms in places. He stretched, watching as the drawing shifted with his movements - the wings seemed have their own mind, branching out in synchronisation with his body. Cas fumbled for his pen.

…Thank you. I…suppose this warrants a truce?

           “Dean Winchester, you are a class A Dork.” Charlie muttered, unable to fight back a grin as she watched their conversation on his skin. They were stood in front of the mirror in the corner, admiring her artistry and waiting for the ink to dry.

“Shut up, nerd.” He teased, wings opening as he reached for his pen.

Sure, Cas. Truce.

[arclightbutterfly]

2017: Year In Review

2017 was a crazy year for me on my transgender journey. Here’s sort of a recap, as I read through all of my old posts, I guess?

January 9th: Took my first dose of medication; the start of my journey officially transitioning into a biological female. Very exciting.

January 10th: First day on meds! No morning wood! Basically no erections!

January 16th: One week in. Dysphoria subsided. Felt like I could finally start living.

January 21st: No sexual changes that I could tell of yet.

January 22nd: Had some religious contemplations. Decided to continue on with my journey.

January 25th: Two weeks in. Definitely softer skin. Novelty wearing off a bit.

January 31st: End of three weeks. Differences in smell becoming noticeable. Decided I wanted to go to senior prom in a dress, but was unsure whether it was going to happen (@ past me, don’t worry-- it’s definitely going to happen now)

February 1st: Lost my job as a tutor bc mom made me stop. Needed new way of getting money.

February 7th: One month in (Even though I think I started on the 9th??). Some depression returns.

April 13th: Big update! Ran out of estrogen pills. Running out of money. Thighs are now sensitive! Chest still sensitive! Which is an issue because korean males like to hit each others’ chests a lot. Told my school counselor that I was trans.

June 3rd: Lost track of how long I’ve been medicating. Getting better at changing my voice (as of date, I am now very good at this and am very happy with my voice). Smoller wrists! More feminine face! Existential crisis regarding whether or not I’ll ever find someone who loves me!

June 20th: Somehow scraped together the money to buy meds again. Ordered an asymmetrical hoodie while I was at it (my first self-bought feminine article of clothing!). Everyone thinks I’m 14, and I love it.

June 27th: Brother called me “she” by accident. Little happy things.

July 2nd: Went to Korea! Korean grandmothers all thought I was female! Pissed off my parents but I was happy

August 5th: Came back from church retreat. Met some very accepting freshman girls who I talked with until 4 am in the morning. Am still friends with them! They’re so great and I’m v. happy. My brother found my meds on this day, but I managed to bullshit my way to safety.

August 8th: Plucked out facial hair by hand. Ouch. Got catcalled for the first time, and told a cashier my name was Alina. Evan Low, California legislator, referred to me and my friends as “girls” when we were running our non-profit c: also got an ID photo for school and looked like an ugly girl but still a girl >>

August 16th: Started taking medication sublingually. Lots of angst about pronouns and people treating me like I’m trans rather than as a girl

August 19th: Doctor confused as fuck regarding my sudden change in BMI. No one at school seems to have noticed much.

August 24th: Took senior photo in a fucking tuxedo. Felt disgusted. Still feel disgusted four months later.

August 31st: Got a new job. $35 an hour starting salary, for two hours a week. Enough money to buy meds and some clothes. Very stressed out and tired.

September 6th: Someone who didn’t know I was trans heard me make a squealing sound when I fell and told me that I wasn’t a girl so I kicked him. Felt a little bad about it, but didn’t regret it. Mom found my jewelry, so had to bullshit my way out of that one.

September 7th: FUCK TUXEDOS. Also fuck my brother for finding out that my friends call me Alina. And teasing me about it.

September 8th/9th: FIRST TIME PRESENTING AS FEMALE IN PUBLIC. Went to a cross-school mixer. No one suspected anything and I was just,, so happy,, and I never could have imagined that I’d make it this far. Sucked going back to “normal” life at school.

September 24th: Mom found recommendation letter draft. Saw part about being transgender. Had to bullshit out of that one too.

October 3rd: Planned to buy a dress with friends!! Finally starting to feel successful.

November 5th: Friends all flaked on me; couldn’t buy a dress. Still watched No Game No Life: Zero with them, though.

October 12th: hahahaha fuck all my friends I had a mental breakdown because they made fun of me for being trans

October 17th: Spent all of my remaining money on a dress and makeup and facial hair removal cream. Sort of like a “treat yourself” kinda thing bc honestly fuck my life

October 21st: Homecoming!!??!!?!?! Possibly the best day of my life???!! Basically came out to everyone who was there and people told me I looked pretty and I felt pretty and people hit on me and it was fucking amazingasdlfjflgaldsf

October 22nd: Posted homecoming pictures on instagram!!! Lots of positive reactions!! I love my friends

October 26th: I hate my friends theyre dicks and they make fun of me for being trans and I cried during a friends date I don’t hate all my friends just some of them sometimes most of them are actually pretty great

November 6th: Decided to double my dosage after like 10 months or something! Old people have started to double take on my gender! All around good stuff except for the fact that I ran out of money and am going to get meds two weeks after I run out

November 8th: Being off of meds starts getting to me. Dysphoria is coming back. 

November 11th: Church sleepover thing. Hated being there. Didn’t feel like I fit in with any of them. Still don’t.

November 15th: Bought a razor!! Basically a magic hair removal wand!! Am very amazed. Everything feels so smooth. Medication arrived!! Happy girl is happy.

November 19th: I suck at shaving and I cut myself everywhere but its worth it

November 23rd: Aunts and uncles came over. Transphobia ensued.

November 30th: College apps asdfhjlgashdlfjadfhl?? But also bought shittons of clothing!!! Met someone who made me feel super insecure because she was so naturally cute!!

December 5th: Someone sent me $1100 in bitcoins what the actual fuck is this angel

December 7th: I feel like my mom knows. I can sense it. (Spoiler alert: I was right)

December 17th: Had a joint bible study at church with girls and guys mixed. Felt very resentful that I was denied a childhood with the girls class at my church. Hated being there. Once the class was divided by gender, I just left. Didn’t come back.

December 18th: Feeling okay. Voice is still high. Am glad I practiced it since seventh grade.

December 22nd: Mom bought me cute clothes! Also speaking of cute clothes someone moved stuff in my drawer it looks like?? (Spoiler: it was my mom)

December 23rd: Mom found out I was trans. GG rip. She took it better than I thought she would, where shes definitely not supportive, but told me she couldnt stop me. Still, going to be a long ride

December 26th: Went to a counselor that i was set up with to see if I was “really” trans (spoiler: i am). He was pretty nice and understanding.

December 27th: The first of what would turn into weekly talks about my transness and my mom reconsidering her leniency. I hate my life. Also, met an old childhood friend before I went on my church retreat. Was very surprised at how feminine I’d gotten. Was very happy.

December 29th: People at my church are so accepting its great. I should come out to the senior girls class but idk how :/

December 31st: Mom walks in again, complains about how much she hates that I’m trans and whatnot. Fuck that noise. I’m going into the new year; new year new me. I don’t care what my parents think or what happens. This is who I am. This is how far I’ve gotten. I’ve gotten this far without them, and I will continue to go on as such. This is my life y’all.

[burntflorets]

things i want to say to you if we were still talking: day 3

6 april 2017 2:57am i got nightmares again. this time i was helping a close friend of mine ( i can’t seem to be able to remember her face once i woke up). she was transitioning to become something else a different religion or sth. i helped her through her tough times. we were in my room just that it had a different setting. and she had another girl friend with her. it’s hazy i can’t remember everything but she tried to kill me. she had a gun. she was in a trance and she randomly shot the gun all around. i said i was scared and hid in a corner. her friend looked at me weirdly. i said i wanted to leave, my friend turned the gun on me. i ran for my life, down the stairs. she shot me in the head but i still could run. everything happened in slow mo. i ran in slow mo. she didn’t. i was crying calling out your name. i made it out of the front door crying for help and bumped into my colleagues. there was no one around except them. they stalled me for a few seconds before the girl caught up with me. they didn’t believe my story. they said i was crazy i tried to escape and i couldn’t. and i wanted to wake up from my dream so desperately and i couldn’t too. the dream was never ending, like it was trapping me inside it. i knew i was asleep and i was dreaming. i couldn’t do anything about it. idk how i finally woke up. i think i tricked myself into thinking that it was alr 6am. i heard myself calling your name out in my sleep. i guess even when i’m not conscious and awake i still need you as much.

3:33am hey i can’t go back to sleep. i was scrolling facebook and i came across this which i wanted to tag u in. but i can’t bc we aren’t supposed to be talking. i’ll just put it here, maybe you might come across this someday. “How to keep a relationship: Communicate: Talk about things, the good and bad. Build trusts. Be honest. Be faithful. Be there for one another. Make time for one another. Leave the past to the past, which include ex’s. Know that having arguments are normal. Know that you won’t always be happy. Don’t expect change. Appreciate the flaws. Appreciate each other. Become best friends. Lastly, love each other unconditionally. ” i know i said i didn’t want to hope but i really wish we would work out in the end.

7:27am i barely slept. i feel like shit too. i want to skip work today. my whole body feels like it’s giving up.

what day is it? oh thursday. nice. almost one week is over.

3 more weeks to go.

10:23am my whole body hurts. i think i over exerted myself yesterday while carrying the stones. it’s good feeling the pain tho, since i promised i wouldn’t hurt myself intentionally. at least this pain helps me a little bit. idk.

i saw this crystal marbled bar soap and immediately wanted to tag u and i was about to press send when i realized we don’t talk anymore. the marbled soap was so u, and it was whitish, your favorite colour. i wanted to get one for you but it costs 10usd for like a 5cm piece. plus the shipping. i think it’s not worth it. i looked up some diy crystal soap articles and maybe i’ll make some considering i don’t go out anymore and i have some time. maybe i’ll make them some day. if i can get myself out of bed and do something productive with my life.

11:33am ‪i would rather be fighting with you than going through this alone‬

12:30pm it’s lunch now and i bought majestic bay’s staff menu. i was so hyped up for it bc they said it was the okra one. bc i remembered the colleagues talking about it saying that the minced meat and brinjaw one was good. when the food came, i got so disappointed bc it’s was fucking LADIESFINGER AND FISH. FAK i always thought okra was brinjaw omfg and i was cheated??? holy shit i was so mad bc not only i don’t like ladies finger, the portion was so little that there’s only 3 small pieces of fish and 2 slices of ladies finger. omfg i got so mad that shit cost $5. omg ended up we had to buy macs the staff menu and a large fries. ugh

it’s weird tho i feel nauseous and my stomach hurts but i ate breakfast today. i had wraps and sandwhich. i didn’t eat the sandwhich tho. now eating lunch i feel like i need to puke even more than ever. ugh what’s wrong with me. i’ve been eating i swear. i’ve been eating 3 meals i didn’t skip any meals but idk why.

7:42pm daddy and mummy went out for dinner, they told me they had some food for me on the table and i just had to warm it up. i didn’t want to eat bc i didn’t have any appetite recently. but i couldn’t just throw it away and lie that i ate. so i just warmed up the food. i left the soup on the stove on low fire and went to bathe. halfway i heard and explosion and i got fucking scared. like omg wtf what if my whole kitchen is in flames or sth??? wtf wtf so i went out stark naked and soap still in my hair. and the fucking back door was open bc i went for a smoke earlier. fuck my life. and i was scared someone came home too and i was naked?? and what if the kitchen was on fire too?? fuck. luckily the fire just went out but the sound tho. scared the shit out of me. thank God nothing happened. holy shit. i thought the worst was over, and i could just go back to bathe. I couldn’t fucking turn off the fucking gas HOLY SHIT. the knob was jammed fuckkkkk how more suey could i get. and i was soapy and the soap was in my eyes and what not and i was trying my best to turn off the stove before anyone came home seeing me naked????? fuck. i finally managed to in the end. i swear my heart was beating so fast i thought it was going to pop out. omg. ok story telling time over. i’m so tired to even eat. i just want to smoke my life away till i pass out from the fumes.

9:28pm i happened to chance upon this thoughtcatalogue article and i really agree with it a lot.

I Love You, But You’re Not Good For Me (And I Can Finally See That) Becca Martin

It’s been months since I’ve seen you last and I was convinced you were what was missing from my life. I convinced myself that I couldn’t live without you, that I’d never be happy again until I was reunited with you, but going back made me realize something I’ve known for a while but have never been able to admit to myself. I finally realized just how toxic and suffocating you are in my life. I get so wrapped up in love and the idea of love that often times I forget just how good or bad something can be for me. I think that it’s right, and that just because it makes me feel good that means it’s all okay. But it’s not. It’s not okay that I left feeling full of regrets, feeling less than when I arrived to you, feeling empty because as much as I want to be with you constantly, going back to you made me realize how damaging our relationship is. It made me realize that what we had worked for so long, but even through all those years I failed to notice you’ve always made me feel this way. You were always bad for me but I just became completely intoxicated by you. You made me forget my morals, my values, how to be strong on my own because being around you makes me weak. It makes me do things I’m not necessarily proud of because being around you makes me feel alive. It makes me hate myself – and love shouldn’t make you feel that way. But I never noticed it at the time, I blocked it out and always blamed it on anything other than you. I enjoyed every wild moment, every drunk mistake, every time I let myself go completely because all I was concerned about in those moments was being there with you. I never wanted to be apart, I never wanted to live without you because I never thought I could enjoy life without you. I wanted to stay there; stay in those moments of comfort with you because it made me feel safe. In all those blissful moments I forgot how damaging you were to me because in those moments I never wanted anything more than I wanted to be there, with you. I thought going back to you would help, I thought it would remind me just how much I love you and it would make me want to stay. But I was wrong. I loved you when I got there – and I still do – but now I’m not so sure that it’s healthy because when I drove away and left you this time I didn’t feel the same heartbreak I felt the first time. I didn’t feel the same sadness and regret of walking away. This time I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go back to you again. Instead, this time I felt empty, I felt hopeless and like I’ve completely lost myself because that’s what you do to me. You completely intoxicate me and you turn me into someone I’m not, someone I don’t know anymore. And it breaks my heart to come to this realization because I love you more than you’ll ever know, but you’re not good for me. I learned that I can love you with my whole heart in a way that I’ve never loved anyone or anything else but that doesn’t mean we are good for each other; it doesn’t mean we’ll end up together because sometimes you don’t end up with the love of your life, and that’s okay. I love to love things that are bad for me because they make me feel alive, but at a certain point I need to walk away from what I really want in the moment and start walking towards something that’s good for me in the long run. I don’t know how I’ll do it without you, but all I know is I need to try because I can’t keep going back to you. I’m no longer good for you and you’re definitely not good for me.

it’s scary bc that’s how i feel sometimes. especially when we fight. i’m pretty numb rn, i don’t feel as much as i did on that day and the next. i know you’re bad for me, bc you don’t ever change or try and understand when a misunderstanding happens. you said u would but when it comes down to doing it, you don’t. but i still love you. a lot in fact. like how the girl felt like in the article.

these days, we have been fighting so much i’ve stopped wishing and hoping for things to go my way, i just let nature take its course. and i don’t think i’ll have a definite answer for you if u were to ask me at the end of all these. i’ve cleared my mind and have been thinking things through. i don’t feel depressed or happy or wtv. i just feel normal. like it’s any other day. i’m just going to leave it in God’s hands. it’s not that i’ve given up. i don’t want to fight against what has been planned for us. it’s tiring knowing that you’re fighting a losing battle. i’ll just let nature take its course, and go with the flow.

the thing about me is that no matter how wrong i know something is or how bad something is for me, i still try and fight for what i want. and i might end up fighting a losing battle when it comes to you. bc no matter how toxic our r/s is, i am that stubborn and i won’t give up even though i know it’s not going to work. i only give up when i’m broken. and i guess i’m not that broken enough to give up yet.

10:30pm the mood swings are back. i feel shitty. i miss u. there's a dull ache inside my chest. i wanna talk to you. i wanna know what you're doing. i want you to be here. i want to see your face. i want to feel u. i miss u.