#them: also a parsnip cake!

[clandestinegardenias]

Having friends over for the Super Bowl tomorrow cause why not and the dishes they are bringing include a parsnip cake and a kale/quinoa salad because apparently they have never been to a Super Bowl party in their goddamn LIVES

[petermorwood]

As mentioned more than once, @dduane's Middle Kingdoms don't have potatoes. A frequent alternative is parsnips, and the fried cakes in that photo are the result of an experiment done earlier this week to see if parsnips can substitute for potatoes in our always-reliable potato cake recipe.

Yes, they can!

*****

Here's @dduane's recipe.

First peel three regular-sized parsnips. then top and tail them.

Chop them into chunks and boil them in about 2 pints (1 litre) of water.

Drain them and return to the pan: let them steam dry. Then, while still hot, mash them well with a hand masher and allow to cool completely.

As mentioned further down, parsnips retain more water than potatoes even after steam-drying, so DON'T use a food processor or other power appliance for mashing or the result will be parsnip wallpaper paste. However, a processor is ideal for the rest of the recipe.

Put 2 cups (500g) all-purpose flour and ½ tsp salt into the processor bowl, blip the pulse switch to combine them then add 1½ tsp baking powder and blip again.

Now add 3 tablespoons butter and blip the pulse switch until the butter is completely worked in and the whole mixture has a cornmeal-y texture.

Now add the cooled mashed parsnips.

Process with the flour mixture, pulsing at first, then continuously, until the mixture comes together in a dough.

(If yours behaves the way our recipe did, no additional liquid should need to be added. The parsnips hold onto a surprising amount of water even after being steamed dry.)

Flour a work surface, roll the dough out about 1/3 inch (1 cm) thick, and use a sharp biscuit cutter to cut out into rounds. Then heat cooking oil in a frying pan to medium heat and put five or six of the cakes into the hot oil.

Fry until the cakes begin to rise a little (usually 4-5 minutes) and are going golden brown Turn and fry the cakes on their other sides for another 4-5 minutes. Test one for doneness: if necessary, turn the cakes once more and give them another 5 minutes or so.

Then cook the rest of the cakes in the same way. When they're done cooking, drain on paper towels until they're cool. Eat fresh or, to keep them, put them in a biscuit tin or other airtight container.

They'll keep for a few days. The parsnip flavor mellows somewhat the day after you bake them.

Like their potato-cake cousins, they're very good split, toasted, buttered and topped with a slice of cheese or (and) salami. They also shine as an accompaniment to bacon or sausages; give the parsnip cakes a brief re-fry in the fat left from frying these, then serve alongside the fried meats, dressed with a splash of Worcester or HP sauce and maybe a dotting of Tabasco or similar.

Our next experiment will be to make this recipe with the addition of some crumbled crispy bacon, grated cheese, grated onion or a combination of same.

The experiment after that will be to see if this can become parsnip bread in the same way as Irish potato farls. I think it will... :->

[gowerhardcastle]

Spinning off from Wodehouse's characters

When I started writing Tally Ho, the first characters I designed (and, in fact, the first characters you meet) are very clearly versions of Wodehouse's characters, instantly recognizable. Rory is my version Bertie Wooster; the main character servant is our Jeeves, Aunt Primrose is mostly Aunt Dahlia, and Figs is a Gussie-type. Frankincense is some sort of Madeline Basset stand-in.

But to me, the fun part of writing these games, and where it got even more fun in Jolly Good is spinning off from Wodehouse's world and seeing how far I could bend his world--sometimes to the point of breaking--and still have it be recognizable. Clearly the moment I introduce Haze, that's happening.

The female version of Haze is introduced like this:

...an extraordinary-looking woman in her twenties with long black hair, dyed purple at the ends. You halt in the middle of taking your seat as you notice this strangely coiffed woman, who, you now see upon closer inspection, has several ear piercings. As she looks around the carriage to see who is entering, her hair moves, revealing a small tattoo of an autumn leaf behind her ear.

That was my announcement that this was not just going to be a pastiche, or, as my favorite Steam review says, "tryhard Wodehouse fanfiction." I mean, it's that too! But also something else, I hoped. And as I added in characters who were at first recognizable Wodehouse tropes, like Parsnip (the awful hellion child) and Pilcrow (the model servant) and Mopsie (the fiesty ingenue) but then did...or could...transform into something deeper, that was even more interesting to me.

Because this being interactive fiction, I was able to have the Wodehouse cake and also eat it by giving the player the opportunity to poke at the two dimensional comedy and see what they look like if you deepen them.

I mean, on the face of it, Vyv mean seem like a silly punch line of a character--a law student who actually wants to be an artist. I can imagine that character in a Wodehouse story. But interactive fiction gives me the chance to take that comic idea and see if it can look like something a little tragic, or romantic, or meaningful because I can show the player the character from so many different angles and so many different situations.

So Wodehouse is a great starting place, obviously, and I owe him so much. I love him. I've read almost everything he wrote. But at the same time, I think and hope what I'm doing is seeing what his pastoral comic world looks like if you nudge it into other genres, if it becomes something you can interact with and live in, and if you put a character in it (you) with lots and lots of autonomy.

I've written a little thing about something I call ambiguous stats in interactive fiction. It's here. It is free--one must simply become a free member!

I've also written up a long thing about Starling, the fifth and final romantic character in my game, and how I was persuaded to make this character into a love interest. It's here. (This one is not free, but part of my robust series of game design essays here.)

[myheadsgonenumb]

OK - so as part of my ongoing series of tips to help Harry Potter authors who aren't British write Hogwarts authentically, I posted about food and mealtimes yesterday.

(here)

And I said I would do a post dedicated just to Christmas Dinner and its traditions (an important part of any Hogwarts fic!), so that's what I'm going to talk about today.

First up, I'm sure most people do know thanks to the ubiquity of Anglosphere Christmas movies (not least A Christmas Carol) but - unlike some other European countries where the main gift giving and celebration happen at different times over the 12 days - the UK celebrates on the 25th itself. Therefore whenever Harry is opening his presents or eating Christmas Dinner (or attending the Yule Ball), this is always the 25th December.

So, back to the actual topic -

Despite being called Christmas Dinner this is the meal that Harry eats in the middle of the day, so it is in fact his Christmas lunch. I assume it is called "Dinner" because it is the cooked, main meal of the day (I will talk about Christmas tea later).

Main course

First up - the traditional meat eaten at Christmas in the UK is turkey (if you go way back, it would be goose, but turkey has been in the ascendancy for a good few centuries now). Not everyone has turkey, but turkeys and Christmas are intrinsically linked in the UK to the extent that there is a phrase "it's like turkeys voting for Christmas" when talking about someone choosing to do something that is so clearly against their best interests. Hogwarts always serves turkeys at Christmas, in the books.

Turkey is roasted, and served with "all the trimmings" - which means gravy (made from the turkey stock), stuffing, roast potatoes, mashed potatoes, vegetables and pigs in blankets.

The vegetable most commonly associated with Christmas is brussel sprouts, but parsnips are also popular. There aren't really hard and fast rules on veg, people will serve the ones they like the best, but sprouts are non -negotiable.

It is sort of a joke in Britain that this is the most important meal of the year, it's the one that takes the longest to cook and no one really likes it. (But that's because they are overcooking their turkeys and are wrong about sprouts - it is my absolute favourite meal in the world).

Roast beef is considered the national dish of England, and roast beef and all the trimmings is commonly made and eaten every Sunday (or you go to a pub and have it). If you hear Brits talking about "Sunday lunch" this is what they are referring to (roast beef comes with yorkshire puddings, and often cauliflower cheese, and doesn't include sprouts or pigs in blankets). As this is such a commonly eaten dish, the turkey at Christmas is something different - and made special because it is eaten so rarely. Turkey is only eaten at Christmas by many people and it is hard (if not impossible) to get hold of them in supermarkets at other times of the year.

Pudding

As I said in my post yesterday, "pudding" is a catch all term for dessert, but does also have its own specific meaning of something that has been cooked by steaming or boiling inside a cloth. "Christmas Pudding" fits the definition of both:

Christmas Pudding is a very dense dried fruit sponge cake, that has been steamed rather than baked (and so is nothing like a cake to eat). Traditionally it is doused in brandy and set on fire before serving:

I think it's one of those things that you have to have grown up eating to appreciate.

As it is very dry by itself, most people serve it with either brandy butter or pouring cream.

It's also traditional to add little trinkets to the pudding mix before cooking. These end up in individual servings and have meanings. So a silver coin means wealth for the person who finds it, a wishbone means good luck and a thimble means thrift.

In The Philosopher's Stone "Flaming Christmas puddings followed the turkey. Percy nearly broke his teeth on a silver Sickle embedded in his slice." And this tradition is why.

(NB this is British Tradition and Hogwarts is big on that. My family gets our Christmas puddings ready made from the supermarket and microwaves them. The little plastic bowls they come in recently proved very useful for catching the water leaking from my boiler - Tradition and every day life can look very different).

Entertainment

Along with the hilarity of watching people break their teeth on coins and choke on thimbles, the Christmas Cracker is also a staple of Christmas Dinner.

These are Christmas Crackers. Two people take hold of each end and pull, until the cracker is ripped apart (there is a strip of card inside, dipped in silver fulminate, which explodes with the friction and this causes the bang which gives crackers their name).

Inside a cracker there are an assortment of little prizes, and the person who ends up with the bigger half gets to keep them.

The Philosopher's Stone says this about crackers:

"These fantastic party favours were nothing like the feeble Muggle ones the Dursleys usually bought, with their little plastic toys and their flimsy paper hats inside. Harry pulled a wizard cracker with Fred and it didn’t just bang, it went off with a blast like a cannon and engulfed them all in a cloud of blue smoke, while from the inside exploded a rear admiral’s hat and several live, white mice. Up at the High Table, Dumbledore had swapped his pointed wizard’s hat for a flowered bonnet, and was chuckling merrily at a joke Professor Flitwick had just read him."

Real (muggle) crackers always come with a silly joke to read out (which is intentionally bad), a small, plastic gift - a little yoyo, those fortune telling fish, a key ring, a wind up toy etc - and a paper crown

Christmas Dinner (and much of the afternoon) is spent wearing these crowns.

However, magical crackers are much more impressive and - as the quote shows - come with actual (novelty) hats and better gifts. The explosion is more impressive as well.

Christmas Tea

As I said in my post yesterday, "tea" can refer to the evening meal and have nothing to do with the hot drink everyone associates with the British. And this is the case with Christmas tea.

As the main meal was earlier in the day, and so heavy, Christmas tea tends to be served quite late and is less formal, and much lighter. Sometimes it can be a spread of finger foods (dips, cheeses, tempura prawns etc) but Harry Potter keeps things simple and just goes with turkey sandwiches (which are self explanatory).

As its Christmas, there is still a ridiculous amount of pudding to eat (this time in the catch all dessert sense) and this includes Christmas cake - which (like Christmas pudding) is a fruit cake - only this time it has been baked, rather than steamed.

Christmas Cakes are actually baked around October time, and regularly fed with brandy (has holes poked into it and the brandy poured inside) until the day itself.

Christmas cakes are usually covered in marzipan and then covered in Royal Icing (Royal Icing won't stick to the cake itself, so the marzipan acts as a glue). The end result is something like this:

Mince Pies are also a classic Christmas treat. These are usually individual pies, which can be eaten in a couple of bites, and are sweet mincemeat wrapped in pastry. THERE IS NO ACTUAL MEAT IN SWEET MINCEMEAT!! Mince Pies are 100% all dessert.

Sweet mincemeet is a spiced preserve made up of dried fruit and candied fruit.

(If you're thinking there's a lot of dried fruit involved in a British Christmas - yes there is, because winter is a tough time to grow things and the only fruit around (traditionally) was anything that had been dried out and preserved back in the summer.)

Mince pies can either be eaten as they are or served warm with brandy butter or pouring cream.

Finally there is trifle - which is sponge, jelly (jello for Americans), custard, fruit (not dried this time), cream and sherry:

After all this has been eaten, it is time to fall into a food induced coma and swear to never eat again... Until the next day. December 26th is called "Boxing Day" and is a national holiday in the UK - and the party, and the eating, continues.

I hope this helps anyone trying to write a Hogwarts Christmas chapter and fills in some blanks for various passages in the books which must be frankly baffling without context.

As ever, if you have any specific questions please ask in the comments!

[johannestevans]

I know this isn't a writing ask, but I wanna ask about hosting/entertaining. When it comes to budgeting and that in regards to those events is there any tips/tricks you have to doing it so that you don't spend too too much money? Like hosting a potluck would be an example, but do you have any others? I really want to host/entertain when my living situation is more viable to that, so I'm wondering what sort of tips you have.

So, my partner and I do do a lot of cooking anyway, and we're generally decent at doing decent batches of stuff at once where we can.

The plan for this party is like, BYOB and bring a dish if people would like.

Because a lot of the people we know have various dietary restrictions - veganism and vegetarianism, various allergies and intolerances, autism food things - the plan is to have a few dishes out for people to choose from.

Oven pizzas are nice and easy and also very cheap, especially because we're very near to LIDL and ALDI respectively, and it's generally pretty easy to like, grab cheese pizzas and then add on toppings as desired in terms of fresh vegetables.

I'm thinking that unless my partner wants to do a chilli, I'll probably do a rabbit stew, which is pretty cheap - red wine, a rabbit (normally like £5 from the butcher's), potatoes, onions, root veg like carrot or parsnips, oregano, garlic, and you're good to go. It's just in the slow cooker, so it doesn't take a lot of time.

Rice in the rice cooker is easy to do and fairly cheap, so we'll probably pop it on and then have the slow cooker and the rice cooker both available on the table.

A roughly Greek-style salad - for this size, will probably be two cucumbers, a packet of cherry tomatoes, a red onion, a packet of feta-style salad cheese, spinach, possibly a yellow pepper, garlic granules, oregano, lemon juice, and olive oil.

Probably going to do a fresh foccacia, because I know it's an easy safe food for a friend who has a bunch of allergies but not wheat or gluten, and fresh bread is pretty cheap to do, especially because I already have the yeast and bread flour.

And then I was thinking I might also bake some other stuff - I have a pastry scroll I regularly do which is tomato purée or some sort of chutney with cheese and bits of bacon or pepper, rolled up and then baked as individual scrolls with the filling; maybe some kind of potato cake because we'll have potatoes on hand; other than that, maybe some kind of sugar cookie or an easy tray-bake like a brownie or something.

The majority of the dishes I'm describing use a lot of the same ingredients, and these are dishes we cook regularly, so they're not generally tough to do. I'm expecting to be spending extra on this party than I ordinarily would on groceries, but because it's just the same sort of dishes and foods we normally make, it's just doing them a bit bigger, if that makes sense? I'm not really worried about additional cost.

[papaflynn]

TASK 002 — Happy Holidays, everybody!

Does your character celebrate Christmas?

Yes, very much so. Callum is big into Christmas and always has been since he was young.

If yes, how do they celebrate? Are they super pro Christmas, or a grinch?

Super pro Christmas. They decorate the small apartment in late November, and then, in December, there is a Christmas-themed movie every night with his daughter (Avie). Christmas Eve is a family night. He will spend the day cooking, and they will put on matching pyjamas, watch more movies and shows, then eat lots of Christmas treats. Avie gets to pick and open one present, and then they put out milk and cookies for Santa and Reindeer treats before they go to bed. Avie likes to sleep with her Dad on Christmas Eve, and he will read her different books until she falls asleep. When she's sound asleep, he will go out and fix all the presents for her, eat the cookies and drink the milk, then climb back into bed. A very tired Callum is woken up VERY EARLY, like 5am, and he shuffles out to watch Avie excitedly open presents. He would usually FaceTime his mom around this time, and they all share in the moment.

What do they eat on Christmas?

Christmas dinner is turkey, stuffing, ham, roast potatoes, carrots, parsnips, and sprouts with lots of gravy. Callum likes cranberry sauce, too. They like cake and custard for their Christmas dessert. Outside of that? Lots of chocolate and snacks. Callum has some wine, and Avie has some grape juice or other fancy juices that are her kid's wine.

What their favourite traditions?

Before they settle down for their Christmas Eve night, they carol sing door to door in the apartment complex to raise money for a local shelter, then donate it and help out for an hour at the shelter. That's Callum's favourite tradition, as he loves to share those moments with Avie and friends but also help others. Avie's favourite tradition is chocolate for breakfast (only on Christmas...and maybe Easter), and calling her Granny Flynn back in Ireland as she opens her presents.

What do they love most about Christmas?

Time off with Avie, making memories, and seeing her happy little face.

What’s the best Christmas present they’ve ever gotten?

For Callum, it was his first guitar when he was 9.

What was their favourite Christmas?

The second Christmas with Avie. The first Christmas had been hard as he came to terms with Hayley leaving them; he was sad and heartbroken. However, the following year, he vowed to make those traditions and moments with his daughter, and he's never been happier since.

Have their Christmas traditions changed since they were a child?

There is much more American influence and culture in his Christmasses with a young daughter growing up in the US. Callum keeps some Irish traditions going with movies, food, and treats, but overall elements have changed. The holiday is much smaller as he doesn't have all of his family, but Callum likes to invite friends around on Christmas day, as he loves a big, happy, laughing home on Christmas.

What’s the Christmas wish this year?

That Avie's troubles ease up. She's been having a tough year since the storm and feels her mother's absence more than ever. Callum hopes that sadness lifts from her and that with the new puppy (he bought her for her birthday) and time off with the family she does have, she will feel better. He wouldn't mind a Christmas kiss from a particular woman friend, but he's not expecting anything. They're just friends having some fun...

What’s their Christmas like? Do they dress fancy or in pyjamas? Presents before or after breakfast, presents on Christmas Eve? What’s their typical Christmas day?

Christmas Eve is pyjamas, and Christmas Day is cheesy jumpers. Presents early on Christmas morning before breakfast. After that, Avie naps on the sofa, watching cartoons, as Callum tidies up and preps dinner. He will invite friends over and then help Avie get ready. They will both be in cheesy Christmas jumpers, and when friends turn up, he will dish out dinner. There will be crackers, and they will all wear silly paper hats. After dinner, there's dessert, and theeeeen its party games/board games with Christmas music.

Anything else?

Here's some gifs from NP that give the vibe:

[nifolution]

I Quit 2

Warnings: The Thrombeys being themselves, recreational drug use

A/N: This is a revised copy of my oc fic. It is written in 3rd person. The Thrombeys’ opinions are NOT my own. Thoughts are in italics. 18+ only due to smut and dubcon situations. No stealing, no reposts, no translations, no feeding to AIs. Comments, reblogs and likes are always welcome and appreciated. 

Chapter 1 Series Masterlist  Main Masterlist

Chapter 2

The first two weeks of Y/N's employment went smoothly. Harlan did indeed have a taste for sweets. The rest of his palate she worked at learning, but he seemed happy with her efforts. When he didn't care for a dish, he would let her know and she gladly made him something else. Funny enough, the man would ask for tomato and mayo sandwiches, with just a touch of salt and pepper. Such simple requests from such an interesting man.

It was finally the day she was dreading, her first Sunday family dinner with the Thrombey clan. Fran had gossiped about the family with her while she began preparations. She explained who everyone was, their quirks, and entitlements. She had an asshole rating system that Y/N found amusing.

Fran found most of the family intolerable, except Harlan of course. “The top asshole, a number 10, has to be Harlan's grandson, Ransom. But don't call him that, ever. He makes the help call him by his first name, Hugh. He's handsome, for sure, but don't let his face fool you. He is a massive jerk and will charm you, use you up and spit you out like that.” She snapped her fingers and huffed.

“Luckily, he doesn't come to many of these dinners. Not that the rest of them are any easier to deal with. Seriously, they should have their own reality show so the world can see them snarl at each other like a pack of rabid hyenas. I suggest you steer clear of them when you can. These nights can get ROUGH.”

“Duly noted.”

Fran smiled before leaving to set the table. “Good luck tonight. And if you need a little mood stabilizer at the end of the insanity, just let me know. I got you girl.”

---------------

Y/N's anxiety increased with every new voice that echoed through the large home. She couldn't hear much of the conversations, but was confident Fran would fill her in if she missed anything juicy. So she continued cooking in peace.

Speak of the devil, the brunette rushed into the kitchen, “Top asshole and Harlan’s mother are m.i.a., but the rest are seated. Tell me the app is ready?” Fran already looked so done with the night.

”Right over there. Description card included.”

“Thank youuuu.” She took the appetizers to deliver to the table.

The family was just as she left them. Sitting proper with fake smiles plastered on their faces, while practically seething at one another.  Fran served the table with an equally forced grin.

Richard scoffed at the bowl. “What the hell is this?”

“Richard!” Linda chastised her husband.

Fran swiftly read from the card, “A roasted butternut and apple soup with ginger and coconut milk.”

Linda took a tentative sip and her eyebrows rose. “I see Rosalee has improved.”

Donna followed her lead, also approving of the soup and the improved quality.

Harlan spoke up, “I'm afraid Rosalee has retired. I've hired someone new.” He sent Fran to ask his new chef to come out, greet his family and serve dinner.

Y/N pushed the cart out to the dining area. Feeling like she was walking into shark infested waters wearing a wounded seal suit. All eyes were on her as she entered. Harlan introduced her and asked what she had prepared for them.

“I have for you a herb crusted crown roast of pork with a side of carrots and parsnips in citrus butter.”

“Um, excuse me, hi.” Joni raised her hand, pointing to the offending entrée. “We can't eat that. My Meg and I are vegan. Do you expect me and my daughter to just munch on carrots all night?”

Y/N nodded, “I have been informed of your dietary restrictions and made you both something separate.“ She placed the extra meal in front of them. ”Quinoa cakes with a tomato-zucchini and chickpea relish, drizzled with a balsamic glaze. But if you would like the citrus carrots on the side I can get that for you as well.”

“Dietary restrictions, my ass. It's not a restriction, it's a mental illness.” Walt began to rant, “You know how you can spot a vegan? Don't worry, they'll tell you. They'll never shut up about it. Those douchebags think they're better than everyone else. They look down on us meat eaters, keep trying to convert us. Well let me tell you, eating meat is my God given right. My right! Don't you realize you can't live without meat. Your brain will die. That's why you are all so miserable, you're slowly dying.”

Donna rubbed her husband's shoulder in approval. While Richard raised his glass in salute to Walt's bullshit. Linda pursed her lips, ignoring them and trying to have a chat with her father.

Joni was on the defense, “We are the healthiest we've ever been. It's good for the planet, the environment, which benefits everyone, need I remind you.” She ignored her brother-in-law's snickering. “Let's be real, veganism is the answer to this world's problems. It is. It's the only moral choice. It clears up your skin and makes you feel good inside and out. And we don't have to feel guilty about contributing to the exploitation and slaughter of innocent lives. Animals are just like us.”

“Just like us?” Walt interjected. “Oh really, should we have dad's dogs sitting at the table with us? I tell ya, if Meg was a boy, I'd be calling DCF because you'd be depriving him of nutrients he needs to grow strong and polluting his male DNA with soy.”

“You're the one with blood on your hands, Walt. All those poor cute animals you've killed….”

Richard scoffed, “You've only been,” he raised his fingers in air quotes, “vegan for a damn month.”

“Ya well, I saw the truth and I'm changing. You'll see it too or die with all those animal products clogging your arteries... Plus it's been two months. Thank you very much.”

“I will happily eat my steak and drink my milkshakes all the way to my grave.”

Joni rolled her eyes, “Uck, you are completely hopeless.”

Walt raised his hand to silence any reply from Richard. “Don't bother. It's not worth fueling her delusions.”

That seemed to put an end to that argument. The rest of the meal went well. Although out of the whole family, only Harland and Meg said 'thank you.' Not even the young boy spoke up. For being so rich and fancy, they certainly lacked manners.

Dessert was served without incident. Tiramisu and a mini vegan version for Joni and Meg. Harlan seemed to be in heaven, commenting on how rich and decadent it was.

After dinner was over, Y/N and Fran began clearing the table. Linda poked her head in, “Y/N, may I have a word with you?”

“Was there something wrong with your meal?”

“Oh no, no, dinner was lovely. However, I wanted to make sure you weren't making desserts like that for my dad all the time. He's getting up there in years and has to watch his cholesterol, his sugar intake, blood pressure, things of that nature. He can't be consuming food like you made tonight. He needs to eat healthier. I'd like to keep him around for a long time. I'm sure you can understand.”

“I fully understand, ma'am, but there is no need for concern. The food was chosen because this was a special occasion. It doesn't reflect his daily meals.” Y/N noticed Harlan a few feet behind his daughter. He winked at her before alerting her of his presence.

Linda clapped her hands, “Delightful. I'm so glad we have an understanding. I will make you a list of approved meals.” She smiled at her father before walking away.

Once Linda was out of earshot, Harlan leaned close to Y/N, “I'm not eating that pigeon food. You put her little list up on the message board in the kitchen and ignore it.”

Y/N thought she was safe. The family was dispersing out into the night. She turned on some music and began washing the dishes. Her hips swaying to the beat.

Joni snuck up behind her. “Oh I love this song.” She attempted to dance alongside Y/N, bumping their hips together. “Don't be shy. I could tell you recognize me. I get it allll the time now. You're correct, it's me. Owner, CEO, COO and CFO of FLAM.” She continued boasting about being a top influencer and her skin care products while Y/N stood there like a deer in the headlights.

An unwelcomed hand reached out to stroke her cheek, “Your skin looks so parched. You could really use a hydrating serum. My company offers the perfect product to help. It's an all organic algae blend that feels like the ocean on your face. So refreshing. And there's a vitamin C serum that will bring some life back to your overworked face.”

“Well let me tell you, FLAM is trending right now, it's going to be huge. You go ahead and follow me on twitter or instagram. I'm offering my first 100 followers a 15% off coupon. That will be available once I find the right graphic designer for my website. Those I interviewed so far just couldn't grasp my vision. This is a lifestyle I'm promoting. I have to trust they get my brand, ya know. But hold onto that coupon, it will be honored. So lovely to meet you, Evelyn.”

“Y/N,” she corrected.

“Sure.” Joni made her exit, blowing a kiss.

Fran entered and passed over the joint in her fingers. “It's like the fucking twilight zone isn't it.”

“You weren't kidding.”

The Thrombeys were the most insincere backstabbing piece of crap family she had the displeasure of meeting thus far. She wondered if any of them loved or were loyal to anything but money. Doubtful. Thank goodness she didn’t have to encounter them often. 

These people are something else. I'm going to need therapy if I stay here too long. 

Chapter 3

[monochromaticwriting]

I'm still trying to do a Isaacul short, but I've been listening to this on repeat, and this idea won't leave my head.

The bed was far more luxurious than anything Isaac had ever lied in. It was massive and so soft. He sprawled across the furs, rubbing his face on them in a tipsy state. Dracul had spoiled him with quite the dinner. Swan, cooked with garlic and onions, served with; parsnip, cabbage, radish, and broad bean; tossed in some vinegar. Dessert was sliced and roasted apples and pears, coated in cinnamon and honey, served alongside a slice of tiramisu cake.

Pair it with the sweet wine Dracul had provided, and Isaac was very full and content. Speaking of Dracul, there was a set of claws running through his hair, making him melt more. His eyes crack open, yellow eyes meeting red. Isaac couldn't believe how different his life was now. Dracul had sworn to take care of Isaac, and he was delivering that promise, tenfold.

Dracul was such a strange man to Isaac. Shorter than his Lord Dracula, but much more muscular. He was soft spoken and quiet, but was a good listener. Not only did the vampire lord actually listen to Isaac, he also asked questions and encouraged the man to keep speaking! The pallor skin of the vampire lord highlighted the black hair that covered his chest, and made a trail below his pants. Isaac couldn't resist lusting for the vampire lord.

Dracul noticed this. Of course he did. Isaac felt those callous hands leave his hair, down to his chin, lifting his face to fully face Dracul. Despite those claws having taken lives, some of which Isaac witnessed first hand, he was so gentle with Isaac. Like the man was made of glass. Now facing the vampire, Isaac gave him a flushed face smile. Dracul simply smirks, downing the last of the wine in his goblet.

Dracul tossed the empty goblet, those ruby eyes never leaving Isaac's. Sitting up, Isaac lifted his shaking hands to Dracul's face. His thumbs traced along the vampire's cheeks, while a clawed thumb traced over his bottom lip. It was instinctive for Isaac to open his mouth, ready to accept the thumb in his mouth. However, Dracul had other plans.

Dracul leaned down, their mouths mere centimeters away, and opened his mouth. The wine from Dracul's mouth poured into Isaac's like a steady stream. Isaac swallowed down the wine obediently.

"Good boy." Was all that Dracul said, before their mouths met in a slow, but hungry kiss. Isaac could taste the wine on Dracul's tongue, his own tongue tracing along the vampire's fangs. He gasps as one of the fangs cut his tongue. Dracul moaned at the taste of Isaac's blood in his mouth. Clawed hands slide under his shirt, cold hands on his warm skin. Isaac gasps, but tries to match in fervor.

Dracul treated Isaac with such soft and gentle touches. Even as he stripped the man of his clothes, his clawed hands were gentle on Isaac's skin. They traced along his scars and tattoos, mapping out his body in a way that was just for Dracul. The morning was intimate, and unlike anything Isaac had ever experienced. In the back of his head, the image of grey hair showed up. He pushes it down and focuses on the pleasure Dracul was giving him.

As the sun was setting, Isaac woke slowly. He was aware of three things:

1. There was a muscular body behind him.

2. There was a strong arm holding him close to said muscular body, under the furs.

3. He felt warm and safe.

A genuine smile graced his lips, before his hand covered Dracul's and entwined their fingers together. He sighs, smiling at the light kiss pressed onto his neck, close to puncture scars. The siren song of sleep was calling to him again, so he happily met it, falling back into the dream world, filled with the vampire beside him.

[triflesandparsnips]

What’s this about trifles and parsnips?

THANK YOU FOR ASKING @asquared-ohgodnotthehorrors AND ALSO A+ NAME.

It took me until, like, last month to realize that my username could suggest that this is a shared blog or whatever. The real origin is both mundane and self-referential, as most things are.

I'm one of those tumblr cryptids who've never changed their username or icon; I came over to tumblr after spending some time lost in the wilderness after the big fandom exodus of Livejournal. So trifles and parsnips refer to my two main LJs at the time, whose names I quite liked and wasn't ready to give up entirely.

trifles was my username for the personal LJ I'd been keeping since college, named for a bit of poetry that resonated with what I was trying to accomplish then (and, I suppose, now):

Think naught a trifle, though it small appear:

Small sands the mountain, moments make the year,

And trifles life.

(The poet is Edward Young, writing in the 1720s-- which suggests that I have Always Been Like This.)

The parsnips LJ was a journal for posting fanfic and such, disambiguated from my personal LJ so that elderly family members who read the one would really have to work to reach the devil's sacrament at the other. That one I named for the proverb "Fine words butter no parsnips." (The earliest attestation of which, I have literally just discovered, is from 1639 why do these centuries haunt me)

Then the AO3 came around and "parsnips" became my main pseud, with "trifles" being the one I somehow decided to use for the rare-fandom Yuletide exchange, back when it was shiny and new and not yet migrated to the AO3. When it did migrate, though, those two names became more thoroughly linked than they'd really ever been on LJ, so when I came over to tumblr I just said to hell with it and tied them together for good. Leaving us here, now, ta da.

--All this, by the by, also slightly explains why, when referring to myself in the 3rd person in meta or whathaveyou, I say stuff like "but trifles, where's the 18th-century soap", but often when posting fanfic I'll go for tags like "triflesandparsnips writes things".

------And as an entirely extra bit of information that is not at all relevant to my naming conventions but is nevertheless something I wish to share for reasons that will soon become apparent: My favorite kind of birthday dessert has, since college, been trifle. Whose recipe, under the actual name "trifle" and not just "a layered cake thing", is first recorded in 1585 because of course it fucking is.

[thessalian]

Thess vs the Holiday Festivities

Christmas dinner with the parentals went pretty well this year, all things considered. Bad pain day, unfortunately, but good food, good company, and a new family tradition is born.

That last ... well, see, I figured that it'd be nice for all concerned if I made dessert this year. Saves the parentals having to come up with something I can actually eat, not to mention make it on top of all the other stuff they're cooking. So I asked if I could do that and they said they were very happy for me to do so. I dug out a recipe for gluten-free gingerbread cake, and found a separate recipe for maple cream cheese icing, and decided I'd do that. I decided to bake the actual cake last night just in case something went wrong.

Which I was very glad to have done because the recipe was for 8" square baking tray and mine was only 7", as it turned out. I only figured that out when the first attempt at the cake collapsed in the middle and was half-raw inside. I looked up why a cake would sink in the middle and when I saw "too small a pan" as one of the reasons, I did some measurements, at which point I just went, "Well, fuck". But they were counting on me to bring dessert, which meant I had to improvise. So I made another batch, only used most of the batter, and came out with a very lovely gingerbread cake. The icing was a bit more of a struggle, honestly, mostly because I kind of forgot to sift some of the icing sugar and really struggled to get rid of the lumps, even with my trusty hand mixer. In the end, I added a bit of warm water, which dissolved the lumps, and a bit more sugar (sifted this time) to thicken it out a bit.

It was a success, at least. It can be hard to measure success when people are trying to be polite, but there are cues that go beyond, "This is nice!" Like my mother, for instance - my mother always leaves stuff behind on her plate because bird-like appetite, so I know she really likes something when she cleans the plate entirely. She did it with my meatloaf, and she did it again with this cake, and that was after a goodly amount of turkey thigh and roast potato and carrot and Brussels sprout and roast parsnip. As for my stepfather ... well, when he was finished his first piece, he immediately went for a second piece - larger than the first one, even. And that was after he'd cleared his entire dinner plate. Also he'd been at the icing the moment I brought it into their house. And they kept half of it, for snacks later. I think it was a success.

I'm thinking maybe apple crumble next year. My stepfather really likes apple crumble.

Gifts were an equal success. I wasn't expecting anything this year, because joint Christmas and birthday present was my trip to MCM Comic Con and most of the Critical Role cast autographs, but Mum insisted that I had to have something to unwrap so they got me a thing anyway. So I got one of those big oversized fleece-lined nightshirt-hoodie things - it's so much nicer than the cheap-ass one I bought at Morrisons last year when I didn't have a lot in the way of heating. Also matched up with my birthday gift to Mum - I got her aset of the same fleecy slipper-socks I got at around that same time, and she wore them most of the evening. Her feet thank me, apparently. Also lucked out on her Christmas gift - I got her the first two seasons of PIcard on DVD because I know how much she likes Star Trek and didn't know if she had Prime Video or not. Turns out she does have Prime Video and had in fact seen it, but is more than happy to have them on DVD. Especially when I flagged up that it means she can still have it even when Amazon takes it off their streaming service. As for my stepfather, I got him a multitool, and while it turned out Mum had also got him one, she admitted that hers was "kind of flimsy" compared to mine, which is a big ol' chunk of tools complete with allan key and screwdriver attachments. I mostly got him that because every time he's been here looking into fixing things, he's ended up saying, "I'll have to come back with X tool" and hauling around a giant toolbox, and he has back issues so I wanted him to have something more portable. This one even has a pouch with a clip on it so he can wear it on his belt.

I do put thought into these things. I just want everyone to enjoy their presents, y'know? It's a good day if I can make someone happy. And I definitely did that today. Especially my aunts - I don't speak to them often because they're both not all that great on technology like email or Zoom calls, and long distance calls are expensive, but Mum rang them after dinner and put us on speaker, and I think just me saying hi made their year.

So, bad pain day aside, it's been a pretty good day. And now I have coffee and leftover gingerbread cake and a whole week off. Happy holidays, and I hope your holidays were good. You know, if not perfect, then at least satisfying.

[niffala]

I Quit (Pt. 2)

Warnings: The Thrombeys being themselves, recreational drug use

A/N: Reader insert version found here. The Thrombeys’ opinions are NOT my own. Thoughts in italics. 18+ only due to smut and dubcon situations. No stealing, no reposts, no translations, no feeding to AIs. Comments, reblogs and likes are always welcome and appreciated.

Chapter 1 Series Masterlist     Main Masterlist

Chapter 2

The first two weeks of Elizabeth's employment went smoothly. Harlan did indeed have a taste for sweets. The rest of his palate she worked at learning, but he seemed happy with her efforts. When he didn't care for a dish, he would let her know and she gladly made him something else. Funny enough, the man would ask for tomato and mayo sandwiches, with just a touch of salt and pepper. Such simple requests from such an interesting man.

It was finally the day she was dreading, her first Sunday family dinner with the Thrombey clan. Fran had gossiped about the family with her while she began preparations. She explained who everyone was, their quirks, and entitlements. She had an asshole rating system that Elizabeth found amusing.

Fran found most of the family intolerable, except Harlan of course. “The top asshole, a number 10, has to be Harlan's grandson, Ransom. But don't call him that, ever. He makes the help call him by his first name, Hugh. He's handsome, for sure, but don't let his face fool you. He is a massive jerk and will charm you, use you up and spit you out like that.” She snapped her fingers and huffed.

“Luckily, he doesn't come to many of these dinners. Not that the rest of them are any easier to deal with. Seriously, they should have their own reality show so the world can see them snarl at each other like a pack of rabid hyenas. I suggest you steer clear of them when you can. These nights can get ROUGH.”

“Duly noted.”

Fran smiled before leaving to set the table. “Good luck tonight. And if you need a little mood stabilizer at the end of the insanity, just let me know. I got you girl.”

---------------

Elizabeth's anxiety increased with every new voice that echoed through the large home. She couldn't hear much of the conversations, but was confident Fran would fill her in if she missed anything juicy. So she continued cooking in peace.

Speak of the devil, the brunette rushed into the kitchen, “Top asshole and Harlan’s mother are m.i.a., but the rest are seated. Tell me the app is ready?” Fran already looked so done with the night.

”Right over there. Description card included.”

“Thank youuuu.” She took the appetizers to deliver to the table.

The family was just as she left them. Sitting proper with fake smiles plastered on their faces, while practically seething at one another.  Fran served the table with an equally forced grin.

Richard scoffed at the bowl. “What the hell is this?”

“Richard!” Linda chastised her husband.

Fran swiftly read from the card, “A roasted butternut and apple soup with ginger and coconut milk.”

Linda took a tentative sip and her eyebrows rose. “I see Rosalee has improved.”

Donna followed her lead, also approving of the soup and the improved quality.

Harlan spoke up, “I'm afraid Rosalee has retired. I've hired someone new.” He sent Fran to ask his new chef to come out, greet his family and serve dinner.

Elizabeth pushed the cart out to the dining area. Feeling like she was walking into shark infested waters wearing a wounded seal suit. All eyes were on her as she entered. Harlan introduced her and asked what she had for them.

“I have for you a herb crusted crown roast of pork with a side of carrots and parsnips in citrus butter.”

“Um, excuse me, hi.” Joni raised her hand, pointing to the offending entrée. “We can't eat that. My Meg and I are vegan. Do you expect me and my daughter to just munch on carrots all night?”

Elizabeth nodded, "I have been informed of your dietary restrictions and made you both something separate.“ She placed the extra meal in front of them. ”Quinoa cakes with a tomato-zucchini and chickpea relish, drizzled with a balsamic glaze. But if you would like the citrus carrots on the side I can get that for you as well."

“Dietary restrictions, my ass. It's not a restriction, it's a mental illness.” Walt began to rant, “You know how you can spot a vegan? Don't worry, they'll tell you. They'll never shut up about it. Those douchebags think they're better than everyone else. They look down on us meat eaters, keep trying to convert us. Well let me tell you, eating meat is my God given right. My right! Don't you realize you can't live without meat. Your brain will die. That's why you are all so miserable, you're slowly dying.”

Donna rubbed her husband's shoulder in approval. While Richard raised his glass in salute to Walt's bullshit. Linda pursed her lips, ignoring them and trying to have a chat with her father.

Joni was on the defense, “We are the healthiest we've ever been. It's good for the planet, the environment, which benefits everyone, need I remind you.” She ignored her brother-in-law's snickering. “Let's be real, veganism is the answer to this world's problems. It is. It's the only moral choice. It clears up your skin and makes you feel good inside and out. And we don't have to feel guilty about contributing to the exploitation and slaughter of innocent lives. Animals are just like us.”

“Just like us?” Walt interjected. “Oh really, should we have dad's dogs sitting at the table with us? I tell ya, if Meg was a boy, I'd be calling DCF because you'd be depriving him of nutrients he needs to grow strong and polluting his male DNA with soy.”

“You're the one with blood on your hands, Walt. All those poor cute animals you've killed….”

Richard scoffed, “You've only been,” he raised his fingers in air quotes, “vegan for a damn month.”

“Ya well, I saw the truth and I'm changing. You'll see it too or die with all those animal products clogging your arteries... Plus it's been two months. Thank you very much.”

“I will happily eat my steak and drink my milkshakes all the way to my grave.”

Joni rolled her eyes, “Uck, you are completely hopeless.”

Walt raised his hand to silence any reply from Richard. “Don't bother. It's not worth fueling her delusions.”

That seemed to put an end to that argument. The rest of the meal went well. Although out of the whole family, only Harlan and Meg said 'thank you.' Not even the young boy spoke up. For being so rich and fancy, they certainly lacked manners.

Dessert was served without incident. Tiramisu and a mini vegan version for Joni and Meg. Harlan seemed to be in heaven, commenting on how rich and decadent it was.

After dinner was over, Elizabeth and Fran began clearing the table. Linda poked her head in, “Elizabeth, may I have a word with you?”

“Was there something wrong with your meal?”

“Oh no, no, dinner was lovely. However, I wanted to make sure you weren't making desserts like that for my dad all the time. He's getting up there in years and has to watch his cholesterol, his sugar intake, blood pressure, things of that nature. He can't be consuming food like you made tonight. He needs to eat healthier. I'd like to keep him around for a long time. I'm sure you can understand.”

“I fully understand, ma'am, but there is no need for concern. The food was chosen because this was a special occasion. It doesn't reflect his daily meals.” Elizabeth noticed Harlan a few feet behind his daughter. He winked at her before alerting her of his presence.

Linda clapped her hands, “Delightful. I'm so glad we have an understanding. I will make you a list of approved meals.” She smiled at her father before walking away.

Once Linda was out of earshot, Harlan leaned close to Elizabeth, “I'm not eating that pigeon food. You put her little list up on the message board in the kitchen and ignore it.”

Elizabeth thought she was safe. The family was dispersing out into the night. She turned on some music and began washing the dishes. Her hips swaying to the beat.

Joni snuck up behind her. “Oh I love this song.” She attempted to dance alongside Elizabeth, bumping their hips together. “Don't be shy. I could tell you recognize me. I get it allll the time now. You're correct, it's me. Owner, CEO, COO and CFO of FLAM.” She continued boasting about being a top influencer and her skin care products while Elizabeth stood there like a deer in the headlights.

An unwelcomed hand reached out to stroke her cheek, “Your skin looks so parched. You could really use a hydrating serum. My company offers the perfect product to help. It's an all organic algae blend that feels like the ocean on your face. So refreshing. And there's a vitamin C serum that will bring some life back to your overworked face.”

“Well let me tell you, FLAM is trending right now, it's going to be huge. You go ahead and follow me on twitter or instagram. I'm offering my first 100 followers a 15% off coupon. That will be available once I find the right graphic designer for my website. Those I interviewed so far just couldn't grasp my vision. This is a lifestyle I'm promoting. I have to trust they get my brand, ya know. But hold onto that coupon, it will be honored. So lovely to meet you, Evelyn.”

“Elizabeth,” she corrected.

“Sure.” Joni made her exit, blowing a kiss.

Fran entered and passed over the joint in her fingers. “It's like the fucking twilight zone isn't it.”

“You weren't kidding.”

The Thrombeys were the most insincere backstabbing piece of crap family she had the displeasure of meeting thus far. She wondered if any of them loved or were loyal to anything but money. Doubtful. Thank goodness she didn’t have to encounter them often.

These people are something else. I'm going to need therapy if I stay here too long.

Chapter 3 

[dansnaturepictures]

13/08/2023-Shipton Bellinger and home

Photos taken in this set are of: 1. The White-point moth, another lovely moth to see at home this morning. 2. Common crimson-and-gold moth at Shipton Bellinger, an eyecatching species to see joining in a great surge in moth sightings for me especially this weekend. 3. Wall Brown, it was an honour to get to see these vibrant and energetic butterflies so well again after seeing our first of the year here two weeks ago. Today was one of our best ever days for seeing them with a fair few seen and top quality intimate views of them with wings open and closed they were widespread around here. It's funny to think I was worried as to if we'd see one this year after missing them at the coast where we often see them, this place is certainly a gem it's been a revelation for them, we first came here for Brown Hairstreak but Wall Brown is an important one here too. Unusually for Wall Brown I got great close up chances for photos today and it's a novelty seeing a species I mostly have at the coast inland, so even though this is one of the first butterflies I (retrospectively from a photo) ever identified early in butterfly days there feels something pleasingly fresh about seeing them here. 4. A Brown Hairstreak it was an honour to see again today, I spent some glee filled moments with this astonishing and angelic butterfly, what an honour to see them. I hadn't seen one of these until 2021 so there is a great freshness with these for me too and I feel very lucky to have had two visits here seeing these beautiful butterflies this year. 5, 7 and 8. Views at Shipton Bellinger. 6. One of a few bees I enjoyed caked in pollen on the bold woolly thistle flowers. 9. Some hawthorn berries on a tree. 10. Wild parsnip one I enjoyed a lot today, with interesting flies on.

At Shipton Bellinger it was also good to see Holly and Common Blue, Gatekeepers, Small Heath, Green-veined White, Speckled Wood, Peacock, ermine moth I believe Spindle ermine, ladybird, Common Red Soldier beetle, prominent mossy rose galls which I'm enjoying appearing of late, beautiful Roesel's bush cricket and my first ever Lesser Hornet hoverfly which is gorgeous. Magpie, Carrion Crow, Woodpigeon, Great Tit and Blue Tit were nice to see too, with Collared Dove which I took a picture of somewhat photobombed by a flying House Sparrow which was interesting, Goldfinch including young and seen well and intimately in the garden whilst I had my hair cut there Starlings seeing House Sparrows in the buddleia then also home bird highlights today. My first Morning-glory Plume moth of the year was also nice to see at home with four-leaved pink sorrel and other flowers enjoyed in the garden. Other highlights of the many flowers enjoyed at Shipton Bellinger were my first soapwort and goldenrod of the year, some more mugwort this week, viper's-bugloss, eyebright, red bartsia, rosebay willowherb, centaury, common toadflax, loads of wild basil again, knapweed, scabious, herb-Robert, hedgerow crane's-bill and melilot. Another brilliant wild weekend.

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

007 of 2024

Unpopular food opinions, part 2.

Cottage cheese texture is not that bad. Grissini breadsticks (long thin hard ones) shouldn't exist and there are a million better dip-vehicles that don't taste like stale disappointment and caloric cardboard. White carbs taste wayy wayy better than any other carb (whole grain, veggie, fruit…). Rice cakes are overrated. Peanuts are the worst nuts. Veggies always make a (savory) meal better. Root beer is absolutely vile. Sour cream is unappetising. Parsnips are the weird creepy cousin at a roast dinner. Jam first then cream on a scone is better because it’s slightly easier to apply- jam is spreadable and cream can be scooped on top easier. Spanish tortilla omelette is underrated. Ranch dressing is not fit for salad is definitely not meant to be eaten on pizza, chicken or anything else. Sharing ice cream is gross. Organs are better than muscle meat. Restaurants are a very overrated food environment (not talking about the food itself, just the whole "Eating at a table with people in a crowded noisy room" thing). Blueberries are not good unless baked into something. All these new rice paper roll trends are disgusting. Cinnamon is over-rated and not necessary in most of the things it's in. All towns/villages should have well advertised community tables for sharing food and other items that anyone can easily give and take as they wish without the stigma associated with foodbanks. Nut as a topping ruins the food (sweet or savory). Brie is one of the worst cheeses yucky and the texture sucks too. Cakes are nicest when baked with yogurt, it keeps them very moist. Any food that is made without cheese is 100% more delicious and enjoyable because cheese is really not good. Salad is overrated and that's why all the women in those stock photos are laughing at it. Schools should teach environmentally friendly sustainable methods of growing food in practice. Crab meat is ridiculously underrated and the perfect protein source. Sesame buns should always be used for burgers. Watermelon is very overrated. Coffee is only worth drinking if it is hot, and has no sugar or cream. Ketchup goes well on almost everything. Hash browns taste awful. Mashed potatoes are butter laden slop that looks like it has already been eaten. Eating low volume sweets is better than high volume fruit. Cottage cheese is delicious. Fries don't need condiments. Sesame seeds are very underrated. Whipped spray cream has never actively improved a food item. Bland food is actually very tasty. Low fat dairy is better than no fat dairy. White bread >>>>>>>>>> any other kind of bread. Pickles are very underrated. Coconut flakes on anything is disgusting. Savory foods are always better salted than bland (most of them at least). Nori (the seaweed in sushi) is soo delicious , also on its own. Salted natural oily peanut butter over added sugar junky pb.

[weltato]

Ty for the tag Marvel!! <3

First fictional crush?

Hmm, probably Gabe from Dani's Castle. He was always my favourite <3

First colour I think of:

Purple, always.

Emotionally scarring fanfic:

I...don't think I have one? There are several memorable ones, but I don't think I've read one that made me react viscerally...well, there was one that made me cry for a good five minutes, but I don't remember plot at all. Like, I remember there was a character who offed themself and all the other characters were super distraught about it, but don't ask me anything else bc I cannot for the life of me remember. Read it years ago.

You're coming to my house for dinner?

Ooh, ok, uhh...I'd probably nick the mac & cheese recipe off my mum, would ask you about your favourite meat (or if you're vegetarian, fave replacement), add some potatoes and veg (y'know how at Christmas you'll have carrots and parsnips done in a certain way? That's what I'd do. I'd do roasties as well bc they are the bEST-) and then bake a cake for after. My best received cake was a lemon and lime sponge with white chocolate on the top :p

Lions or kangaroos?

Kangaroos. They're bouncy kickboxers and the pouch sounds cosy.

Fictional villain?

Oh gee, now that's tough. I can only think of two options: Lucius Malfoy (bc the family dynamic of the Malfoys is interesting) or Max Jägerman. It's not that I really really really like Max, but he's the only "villain" that I can think of that has really glaringly obvious issues (e.g. his dad, the way he treats Grace (both in her fantasies and out of them), the fact that he isn't even on good terms with his "friends", etc.)

What accompanies my Burn Book picture?

Sci-fi nerd, bookworm, will NOT shut up about musicals. Total loner. (idrk what would be in the Burn Book, sorry)

How many days would I last in the universe of my favourite fandom?

Let's see: I have many. If I was in Star Trek, I like to think I'd last a good while, depends on what era. If it's any of the wars, I'd be either dead in 10 hours, just barely scrape through, or miss the whole thing. If I was in Hatchetfield then I'd have succumbed to Pokey's apocalypse immediately, and if I was in Red Dwarf then I'd probably be coasting along with The Boys just fine. They're a fun group.

Have I heard of Mischief Theatre?

They're the Goes Wrong Show people, right? I've seen The Play That Goes Wrong live and it was INCREDIBLE!! My best friend and his grandma came to see it too and none of us could stop laughing the entire time. 100/10. If it came back to my city I'd definitely go and watch it again.

Do I feel sorry for Medusa?

I doooo :((

Which song is my OTP?

I have many OTPs and tbh it depends on the song and if I feel like the vibes would fit a certain pairing. Here's an example though: listen to The School Song from Matilda and tell me that isn't Crowley right there. You can't, can you? ;)

Which song makes me disassociate and daydream the fastest?

Again, depends on the song, but also on my mood. Pretty much any song can get me into my head. Recently it's been both 'Poison' from Hazbin Hotel and 'Jester (Pomni's Song)' by Black Gryph0n, Baasik and Lizzie Freeman (Pomni's VA!) They're so good!!

Moots! No pressure tags! <3 @lilacthebooklover @jewishruthfleming @androgynous-sack-of-flesh-3 @jklovesfandoms @queermarzipan @mrtobenamedlater @the-nefarious-vampire

My own get to know you game:

Who was your first fictional crush?:

What’s the first colour you think of when I tell you to think of a colour?:

Which fanfiction emotionally scarred you and still makes you shudder to this day?:

I’m coming to your house for dinner, non-negotiable, what are you making me?:

Do you prefer lions or kangaroos?:

Which fictional villain do you brush past the glaringly obvious issues for because you really like them?:

What would accompany your picture in the Burn Book in Mean Girls?:

How many days would you last in the universe of your favourite fandom?:

Have you heard of Mischief Theatre?:

Do you feel sorry for Medusa?:

Which song makes you think of your OTP?:

Which song makes you disassociate and daydream the fastest?:

Tags: @weltato, @snarky-wallflower, @feathertru, @barclaysangel, @fanficwriter284, @silvershewolf247, @shadowbrightshine, @luxury-nightmare and anyone else who wants to have a go, feel free!

[elodieunderglass]

On the one hand - where is this contest of gardening and fruits and home crafts, I wish to move there, enter my alarming parsnips and realise my hubris when someone brings along twice as many, all perfectly straight and large enough to use as lances.

On the other hand, internet privacy is very important and I completely understand not telling strangers on tumblr where you live.

On a safer note, what was the disruptive first prize cake?

Not to worry, vegetable shows are quite niche but exist in a lot of places.

I live in the UK and keep a small allotment in a communal property, which puts on its own yearly show. They’re proper RHS-certified judges but it’s all done by the allotment committee and is as genteel and low-key as it gets (apart from the jam label swapping.) I’d like to enter the county fair or countryside shows, where you can enter more things such as enormous quilts and prize sheep, but we’ve been a little cautious with big events and COVID. I don’t have a prize sheep but I do have some decent textile crafts and would enjoy winning a prize for them someday.

But this definitely isn’t a British thing. In the USA and (presumably other countries) there are also county fairs and state fairs. I have a highly formative memory at the age of 9 of entering an oil painting, modelled on a Breyer horse of mine, into the 4H art show at the county fair. (After the previous few paragraphs of Extreme British Culture I hope you enjoy this transatlantic whiplash of the Most American Thing Ever.) it kicked ass. I won 15 fuckin dollars and First Prize in the County Fair & retired on my credentials.

Anyway it’s safe to say that such shows (and prizes) exist wherever vegetables are grown, and you’ll probably be very welcome to enter.

As for the first prize winning cake, it’s a gluten free version of a BBC Good Food recipe. Courgettes = zucchini, and I use the yellow kind that Americans call “squash” or summer squash. I do a LOT more spices than they suggest. It tends to do well in Vegetable Cake classes because they tend towards carrot cakes, zucchini-lime cakes, maybe something with pumpkin etc and a deep dark wedge of chocolatey-cinnamony-clovey-gingery mass covered in ganache is startling and interesting. But this year it didn’t do as well because somebody brought out a fucking professional showstopper courgette cake which is fair enough

Here. Pretend it’s an heirloom.

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Food of the Continent

Alright kids this is a little different from my normal stuff and entirely self indulgent! I recently worked on a fic that involved mention of quite a bit of food, and me being myself, I put a decent amount of research into it. I decided to compile that for those who, like me, get to a scene where the boys are eating and find themselves at a loss. What would a medieval witcher and bard eat on an average day? I’ve based my findings on medieval Poland, which isn’t, obviously, the Continent. If you want to add potatoes to your fantasy world, go ahead! The Witcher 3 certainly did. But if you’re looking for accuracy, please see an extensive list of medieval appropriate foods below the cut! 

Medieval Polish Cuisine

Meat

Pork

Beef

Poultry

Fish

Royalty/Nobility only: Venison

Most common: Pork, Beef

Breads

Rye bread - Used mostly commonly for trenchers

Common white bread - Often used for harvest feasts

Rusks or binavice - A hard tack-like bread used for soldiers' rations

Manchet breads - Essentially wheat rolls

Boiled breads (bagels, ring pretzels) -  Also called circuli or bracellus if you don’t want to say that Geralt is eating a bagel, but he could have! They were a very common street food.

Rogale or crescent rolls

Most common: Trenchers, white wheat rolls

Vegetables  

Field peas

Cabbage

Onions

Fava beans (used for animal fodder, peasant food, and flour)

Mushrooms

Leeks

Beats

Kale

Lentil (lower class food, often stewed)

Parsnips

Cucumbers (treated as a fruit, a type of melon)

Skirrets

Rutabagas

Turnips

Radishes

Lettuce

Alexanders

Carrots (VERY rarely)

Most common: Peas, cabbage, onion; parsnips and skirrets in the winter

Notes: Pickling and dry storage were extraordinarily important for surviving the winter months. Peas could be saved dry and reconstituted by soaking them in water, and cabbage was turned into sauerkraut. Also note the lack of potatoes! Anytime you think of potatoes in a meal, substitute them for turnips.

Fruits and Nuts

Apples

Pears

Plums

Cherries

Hazelnuts

Strawberries

Blueberries

Raspberries, sloes, cranberries, and rowans (all used to make juice or in fermented beverages)

Raisins

Almonds (expensive)

Figs (expensive)

Most common: Apples, pears

Notes: Serves always after the main meal, fresh or cooked. Apples were often dried and eaten year round, or made into a butter and jarred. While not part of the Polish diet, I posit that more exotic fruits like oranges (used for cooking, not eating), peaches, lemons, and dates could probably be brought north from Nilfgaard, but they would be more rare and expensive the further north you went!

Herbs

Parsley (helps kill the onion smell)

Dill

Garlic

Mustard

Fennel

Most common: Parsley and dill

Oil

Lard

Butter

Poppy and hemp oil

Notes: Butter and lard were extremely important. Medieval people burned a lot of calories, so fats were a critical part of their diet. Almost every meal would have been smothered in some kind of animal fat, unless it was a Friday.

Drinks

Honey water/milk

Hydromel (similar to mead, less alcohol)

Mead

Ale

Wine

Desserts

Placki, flat cakes

Tortae, high quality desserts made only with high grade bolted flour. Could have been a type of strudel with rich cheese based filling. Also could refer to small, flat cakes. Also could have been similar to cheesecake.

Marzipan (expensive)

Notes: In a contradictory fashion, when you read sweetmeats, that means desserts. It usually refers to a highly sugary confection, such as candied fruits or nuts. Sweetbread on the other had, does refer to meat, and is made from offal. I know. 

Common Dishes Gruel of mixed grains - Side dish, served with meat and a wheat bread Courtier's Pottage - One pot dinner made with millet, peas, bacon, onion, vinegar and parsley. Would have been quite thick due to the millet. Extremely common. Parsnip, Leek, and Alexander Stew - Common in early spring, typical one pot meal for a noble family. Served with cheese dumplings. Pears stewed with Cucumbers and Figs Chicken baked with Prunes - Common in noble establishments. Either cooked in a covered pot, or wrapped in dough to form a kind of giant turnover on festive occasions. Ham stewed with Cucumbers - A rich dish made with butter, onion, beer, and cucumber, raisins, and cranberries. Sour cream was added to the stew to thicken it. Lentils and Skirrets with Bacon - Stew Beer Soup - A classic stew made with leeks, cabbage, flour, beer, eggs, and cheese Fish Aspic - A kind of savory gelatin, usually used as an ornamental component of a larger banquet display Game stewed with Sauerkraut - Bigos, served at royal banquets. Peasants probably had their own versions using pork or beef instead of venison. Crepes - Probably served not as a dessert but during dinner, with beer soup and cheese or fish aspic. Krepel - Flat cake of layered cheese and bread, fried and served with strawberries or fruit Praskury - Wafers Apple flat cake - Essentially like an apple pizza Honey cakes - Kind of flat cake saturated with honey.

If your characters are eating Breakfast, they're probably eating millet porridge, eggs, or bacon. If they are eating Lunch, they are probably eating trencher bread with lard or cheese or soaked in beer, or stew. If they are eating Dinner, they are probably eating some kind of meat, usually pork or beef, with vegetables like cabbage, peas, onions or parsnips, either in some kind of one pot stew or plain. Desserts are almost always sweetened with honey, and include fried breads and wafers.

Roadside meals would probably consist of fresh meat from hunts (mostly poultry and rabbit), either roasted or put in a stew; rusks, eaten plain or soaked in water or ale; wild berries or apples; reconstituted peas; sauerkraut; and root vegetables like parsnips, turnips, radishes and onions that would save well over several days. Wild parsnips could probably be found easily in the Northern Realms.

I hope this was helpful to someone! This is meant to help you generate ideas, not to be used as a strict guide for what to include in your fics. This is fantasy, so you can absolutely do whatever you want, and besides that it will always be hard for us to be accurate about what exactly went on in the medieval kitchen. However I hope this helps give you an idea about what the average tavern might be serving, and you can worry a little less about what to include in those pesky meal scenes. 

Source: Food and Drink of Medieval Poland by Maria Dembinska, English translation by William Woys Weaver