#then don’t function for about a week
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Curious if anyone else with ocd gets to a point where they just… accept the intrusive thoughts.
Like if you have an intrusive thought you sorta go ‘oh well. It was going to happen eventually. There’s no use fighting it anymore. Im too tired.’
Which then leads to the frenzy of fixing it because you’ve not done your compulsions and now you need to do more but you can’t do them and is this the end? Do you have to just live with this now? Can you keep living now?
#it’s then that I take a sedative#and eat a meal (am fed by my carer)#and go to sleep#and have a nightmare or five#then don’t function for about a week#but eh#you know it’s just how it be#I’m used to it now yknow?#actually ocd#ocd tag#ocd awareness#tw ocd#obsessive compulsive disorder#obsessive compulsive behavior
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i’m gonna sound stupid for saying this but i’m acc very upset that real life is keeping me away from being a loser here 😔
#suki rambles#i’m barely at home anymore with how much i spend time outside... and i just wanna sit down and WRITE#but as soon as i come home i’m just so exhausted from studying and travelling that i pushing out a 1k fic-#-which would normally be so easy for me feel so impossivble now#and now i just stare at my wips feeling disappointed in myself that i’m too tired to work on it#me staring at my vampire!kita fic 😔#me staring at my lemurian! rafayel fic 😔#the younger me could’ve stayed up and pulled an all nighter to finish a fic but now i just could NEVEERRRR#i need my 8 hours of sleep or i won’t function for a whole day#and i feel so horrible too that i’m so behind on replying to everyone 🥹#DTD TOO BRUH like i was so dedicated in updating every week but when im FINALLY at the last chapter thats when i get so busy ugh#like i don’t wanna be hard on myself bcos i have written a lot and also this is just a hobby but thats the thing!!#i feel like i’m so busy with adult things that i don’t have enough time for writing (which brings me joy) and i’m sad about it lol#big sigh.#tw: rant
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#i found a job and I’m starting in two weeks and I still don’t feel any better#like I can function I am functional#but I’m constantly like a friend asking me about my plans for the future#away from breaking down crying#and I don’t know how to even approach fixing it#I just feel like I’m living the wrong life#and am a constant downer#and all my friends are tired of it haha#fml etc please ignore this
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My life rn can be described perfectly by the phrase “I bit off more than I can chew”.
#except I keep taking more bites bc that’s just the stubborn person I am#well actually no#some say stubborn I say determined☺️#random post#late night post#everyone talking about the winter arc shit but my winter arc is trying to get 8 hours of sleep at least twice a week#my friends ask me how I function with so little sleep and I literally don’t know what to say bc I run on pure anxiety#like it actually keeps me going#natural pre-installed caffeine#in my body#also if you promote the winter arc thing but it’s just ed glamorization you immediately deserve to be absolutely attacked by the people who-#come across it#bc let’s not#they know what they’re doing#especially when they say: this will be you if you don’t start now#and then what they mean to start with is eating frozen grapes only or is just so obviously the glamorization of ed#idk why I had to mention that#as someone who has recently started eating breakfast after being terrified of the thought of going to school without an empty stomach#and I congratulate myself for this#it’s disturbing and really annoying#mention of ed#tw mention of ed#that’s not even what the post was about😭#bit off more than I can chew#whoever came up with that phrase needs to stand up bc they devoured
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top surgery…………tomorrow…………
#what the fuckkkkkk#I’ve heard people say ‘practice sleeping on your back for like three weeks prior to surgery!!!’ and as much as I understand that#on the OTHER hand. should I not be savoring every moment of side and stomach sleep I have left#that being at this point probably a grand total of like. 12 hours.#I wish I got a few more things done before im unable to carry shit for like a month but. ah well#like I wanted to get my tv mounted properly so I can use it from my bed. but yeah that didn’t happen#I’m still anxious about the travel part but less because I think it’s too close for comfort time-wise and more because I’m worried my friend#will think it’s too close and she’ll back out last moment and I’ll have to go with my mom instead#that would be a pretty shitty thing to do at this point but idk you never know#the way I have things set up I SHOULD have between 2hrs 15min - 2hrs 50min to get there with the latter being way more likely#it’s a 1.5hr drive NOT including traffic. considering going into SF always has some amount of traffic and there’s construction around sac rn#I am taking into consideration the traffic. but I would be kind of appalled if a whole extra hour got tacked on because of traffic#I’m leaving town during the morning rush But usually people are going INTO sac for the rush not the other way around. and by the time I’m at#the bay bridge it should be past the sf morning rush or at least at the tail end of it#can you tell I’ve been overthinking this like crazy. I mean. you can’t blame me considering if I somehow can’t make it on time I risk losing#my appointment that took me over a Year to get and I’d have to reschedule probably months later#worst case scenario of course but yeah.#anyway. anyway I need to stop thinking about this it’s pointless right now#ghsgahhh how does it still not feel totally real??? I mean I guess cause nothing currently is different in my life?? like I’m just. going to#work like normal. same routine tonight as usual. etc. it’s like it’s all gonna kick in at once as soon as Friday morning hits#maybe it doesn’t feel real partly because if it did I’d be even more anxious and unable to function#fuckkkkk I don’t know dude this is so weird this isn’t how I expected to feel at all#it could be worse of course I’m not really complaining so much as expressing my confusion over it#I’m gonna have so much fucking trouble sleeping before all this fuckkjjjkk#kibumblabs#also I was told id probably get some calls this week from the hospital but I haven’t gotten anything at all so that’s#idk a little nervewracking but it just as well could be a good thing ie; I got all my forms and tests and shit done early so now all I have#to do is Wait basically#guess we’ll see if they call or message me later today
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Don't you find the strict rules of society in Japan overwhelming for you and the kids?
not one bit
#i can’t express how safe i have felt here versus the US over the past several years specifically#no guns… good healthcare… clean environment… good childcare benefits… good food…#no strong religious chokehold permeating society#vaccines and masking aren’t a moral conundrum#functioning public transportation system#functioning postal system#don’t have to worry about people randomly yelling at you#many convenience stores open 24/7#focus on seasonal eating so produce tastes better and you appreciate it more#i can walk the streets at night#in my city all childcare costs and child medical costs are waived up to 3 years old#cost of childbirth fully covered including a week long stay in the hospital after#you can drink the water#early public education has a focus on community and natural science#credit cards are automatically set up to autopay out of your bank account#my company does my taxes for me#did i mention no guns?#i could go on#like i have my philosophical issues with the country for sure but my base needs are covered and that means a lot as a parent
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I appreciate ‘I’ve never found any use in psychologists’ sounds like the refrain of the mad, but consider we might have been a little less mad if the psychologists had in fact tried to be of use.
#the situation necessitates becoming an expert in self-healing#of course that does mean accepting some frustrating truisms#such as pilates a few times a week#eating correctly and regularly#and drinking enough fluids#in addition to working with the nuances of your own brain#but alas#if you hope someone will tell you something about you#you don’t already know yourself#if your brain already allows you a functioning sense of self-reflection#that doesn’t tend to actually pan out that way#and if you are simply in need of someone to vent to#i’ve found animals considerably more validating#because at least you already know they don’t really care about the words coming out of your mouth
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catch me sobbing bc I'm about to have a desk of my own for the first time since I was like 17 😭
#me spending my entire adulthood taking up as little space as possible#everywhere I'm living in an effort to be less of a burden on whoever I'm living with#now my mom's gone & cleaned out the storage room so I can make it my space to exist so I'm not just isolating in my bedroom#we spent today in town buying shit for the room.... desk & chair & lights etc....#and I'm v emotional about this..... i think it's going to help me a lot to like. actually exist & function.#not to get emotional about my pathetic life on the dash or anything but wow... realizing it's probably not just depression & anxiety#and that I'm actually probably autistic has done fucking WONDERS for me like. taking steps forward again.#actively working on change & like. figuring out how to cope & regulate & not blame everything about my life on myself being lazy adjgksh#honestly it's 7pm but I'm probably gonna set the desk up tonight bc I'm so fuckign excited to get that room set up now oh man...#that'll probably be most of my day tomorrow too tbh. at least until we leave to go watch d-day in cinema 😭😭#IT'S A GOOD WEEK GUYS..... it's gonna be a good week#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don’t @ me.#personal cw
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WHY are frozen fish sticks and tater tots considered even a remotely acceptable dinner. see i don’t trust ovens and air fryers (or know how to use them) and i barely trust microwaves, so when i’m home alone i usually subsist on whatever tiny processed snacks i can find around. then someone fiiiinally gets home and my options fruitfully expand to shitty frozen or microwaved foods. i’m not usually a neurotic person but a few minutes ago i stress cried a bit because dude. i do not want frozen fucking fish sticks and tater tots at midnight after a day of cheese sticks, reese’s cups (don’t even like them), and arizona tea. wondering why i’m tired and flabby idk maybe because the most sustaining meal i can consistently access in this house is a fucking maruchan cheese yakisoba. for a while that was a food i liked (kinda the shit the first time you try it as an 8 year old), but now it’s just one of the three options i have when my sibling gets home from work. tired as fuck of our little american shitshow fridge
#minxiety#legally we’re middle class functionally we’re working class#we’re only there legally because gpa works two jobs for like 80 hours a week#it doesn’t really affect me that much#but it does mean we end up with shitty frozen food instead of actual meals..#neither of which i know how to make on my own (was never taught).#actually more that i think about it the money thing does affect me kind of#like our heaters don’t stop working in the middle of a blizzard (they did once tho)#but i don’t see doctors or dentists for checkups ever. partially due to his negligence and i guess maybe medical bills#idk man. this is coming from a middle class family so imagine the american working class
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not to p*riod post but like. it came so late last month and it’s even later this month probably both due to stress (lol) and i mean i never “hope” i will get it ever but i was hoping id get it during the fall break so it wouldn’t mess up any of the things i need to do this week and i think there’s like a 90% chance im gonna get it tomorrow which is a jam packed day during which im supposed to give a campus tour to a prominent vice president an hour after getting to the office so. lol
#purrs#i don’t want to call it when i don’t even have cramps yet but if i wake up in agony im probably going to work from home. im trying this new#thing where i don’t push myself to do the usual thing if im in agony and i know there’s stuff that needs to get done but it won’t get done#well if im not well first so. yeah. i feel so bad like the tour is at 10 and im probably gonna… idk. i shouldn’t say im going to do when i#don’t know for certain yet but it’s not looking good. also i am kinda worried abt why suddenly it’s getting later and later like ive been#thru much worse stuff than what’s happening currently and it came maybe like 2 days late at most but im getting to the point where it’s#around a week late now and ummmmm. i don’t think that is normal 😃 but i am trying not to think about it that hard bc nothing else is ‘wrong#that i can tell it’s just it’s late. idk. im dreading it so much i always dread it it’s so so painful and i hate knowing im about to#experience such severe pain i cant function for like 24-36 hrs 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰#delete later#probably gonna have to cancel the tour which will make me look like a flake but. 😐
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There’s something profoundly awful about googling screen induced migraines on your phone.
#very much so#ugh….. I’ve had one since last night?? I think!! idk.#I’m just…. I’m scared it’s something BAD but I haven’t lost any function at all. I feel fine I just have a migraine and an aura.#it’s probably…. from. how much I’ve been writing the past week.#20k words means a whole lot of screen time.#but also…. could be a rebound headache??#but I haven’t been taking that much ibuprofen…#jeez…. idk what to do oof#I get migraines. but I haven’t had one this bad in a long time#and I also haven’t been able to get rid of this one which is the bad part#I can usually take a pill nap and it’ll be gone. this one keeps coming back in waves#I’m not dizzy. I’m not confused. I’m not nauseous. I’m just hurting.#so I don’t think it’s anything to go to the doctor about??#also…. no health insurance and no money means I Can’t go#if I still have it in the morning…. that’s when I’ll be concerned and go.
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a doc of omega yamo being a nuisance, you say?
well…
#the doc sure does exist 🤷#me waiting to post this until i had compiled all the tags into the doc so it wasn’t just the empty doc i started with good intentions#that just said ‘yowling’#and then me not even doing that 😭 what’s in the doc right now? absolutely unhinged shit from ANOTHER yamo post. why#liv in the replies#anon i love you so much. this is the correct method to get me to do things (be interested) (bully me a little) (i have to write FOR someone)#maybe if i actually write something for omega yamo being a nuisance i will post snippets#and not have to create elaborate rules about posting them. also i keep telling myself it helps to be like. home & functioning to write#& maybe if i chilled the fuck out a little bit i would have the time to do fun things i like but i feel like i have been saying#‘ok once i get through this [semester/summer/working/class/season]’ for like. three years now but also i don’t feel like i have stopped ever#in my life so that may also be part of the issue. anyway! in the mindset now that i have to make time for things that bring me joy/creative#because otherwise there will never be time#but also telling myself that like. i work seven days a week 8.5-9 hours a day plus commute/classwork so it’s ok to only be able to come home#& do Adult Tasks & write my coursework requirements & ALSO i’m doing my fucking applications which i really really need to do & should take#priority & i am going to need to work very hard to do because. i don’t want to do them :)#so!!!! this is your daily tag dump on a post which it is not relevant to (on brand for me)#but also the point was to say thank you i love you please have 0 expectations because i don’t want to disappoint you#but i love your encouragement and am not taking it to be any pressure!! i just have to preface bc i am like this
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*sigh*
I CAME ACROSS THIS POST ONCE MORE WHILE SEARCHING GOOGLE IMAGES FOR DU PONCEAU REFERENCES.
One of my favorite posts of all time. I miss when the steuponceau community was gay and dandy. Pun intended. Unfortunately I did not own tumblr then😔
I’M SORRY COULDN’T RESIST just a small meme about duponceau’s and von steuben’s first meeting ofc, this is all for @littlewritingrabbit
#If I’m acting weird in my recent posts it’s because I accidentally took 2 doses of my adhd medication#‘I’m acting like a functional member of society instead of a feral beast#Yeah that probably feels off#You know what’s really off#My stomach#My stomach has been SO messed up for the past 2 days#Oh my GOD#I assumed it was anxiety or whatever but now I’m pretty sure it’s due to pills.#This is probably how Mozart sounded when he swore he was poisoned lol#Clarification we are still talking about MEDICATION. No bad pills. That’s bad stuff. Don’t do that#I also don’t really eat when I actually take my medication#Womp womp#again guys I think I failed my algebra final. And chemistry final is uhh. In 2 WEEKS. Wish me luck. I LOVE YOU SKRUNKLIES
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Listen, I’m super excited to be moving… but after having two insanely busy weeks in a row, the thought of being around people ALL weekend is going to drive me to the brink of a breakdown.
#I’ve felt it building all week#how do normal people do this?#because I feel like I can barely function after Friday#my weekends are recuperating time#…then again I COULD take days off#but I’ll feel guilty about it#BUT I don’t want to completely burn out#at least by having an apartment I can be away from my mother#she ALONE has been driving me fucking insane the past two weeks#because she NEEDS to be in control of things#like I appreciate you wanting to help and get me organized#but holy shit#flamey's personal crap
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hah h it’s the middle of the night. i just finished watching fight club. oh i will quite literally combust- THE SCENES THE MUSIC all of it is so so so good. that one specific tune that starts playing right when the fights start. the score was so good oh
yeah that’s all
#txt#q#everyone is asleep so this is the only place rn that i can spill my thoughts onto#by the time this is posted it will be like a few weeks since I’d have watched it#but holy shit how do I function now#fight club#*dies*#all I’ve been reading/watching recently has had something to do with disassociation#evangelion#lain#lily Chou Chou#does this mean anything#brb going to go combust#anyway i can finally go to its letterboxd hewhehehwh#but you’re telling me the same David fincher directed gone girl#? How does it feel to make the same kind of movie but w two different genders sir#spoiler ahead#fellas is it gay to fight homoerotically with your best friend who you later find out is you yourself#yes it js I don’t make the rules it’s Tyler who does- apologies for breaking the first one no more talking about it - can you tell im high#who was going to tell me Helena bonham carter was in the movie huh#though i guess its good because i watched it w/o knowing anything about it except that it’s famous#don’t know what I expected#anyway moots bye bye#movie log#003
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My desk is so perpetually messy that I will bang my leg into it trying to pull my desk chair closer only to hear something clatter. But unable to find what exactly fell
#I think it was a pen? but idk where it fell FROM#but there’s a pen now on top of my laptop which is under a laptop stand and therefore shouldn’t have anything on top of it directly#I literally just got a new monitor like. two weeks ago and it’s already buried under pencil cases and random candy and post it note stacks s#soooo#I’m a nightmare. I have min. four stafks of post it notes yet to be used#I have a new box of 14 more sticky notes. plus. an old like. office supply esque packing of another few bc I hoard sticky notes apparently n#look there’s multiple reasons why I don’t let myself keep open liquids in my desk and the clutter is a part of that#(also the time I spilled an entire cup on water on my keyboard#shout out to my keyboard that is still functional after that nightmare#fun fact that ruined my ep of Hudson and Rex I’d been watching at the time#I’m sure the tumblr post I made about that exists somewhere on this blog
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