#this isn't even a GENERAL tidying-up thing it is really only when I'm in my childhood home | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nrc-asteryn-crew · 7 months ago

Note

A notification flashes across phone screens everywhere throughout NRC. The radio podcast, NRTea has gone live once more!

"Hello, hello, dearest listeners! And welcome to another episode of NRTea, the hottest tea party on sages island! I'm your host, Chamomile-"

"and I am Earl Grey"

"And oh boy do we have a story for you today! Take it away, Earl!"

"...alright.

As of late, there have been brambles spiralling up and encasing parts of the Ramshackle dorm. The brambles themselves seem generally harmless, as do the roses that fall from them, but if you prick yourself on the thorns, it would be quite an unpleasant sensation, so I'd suggest exercising some extra caution when visiting for now."

"Yup, yup! If you've got a friend or two living in the dorm out there, go check on em and make sure they're doing okay!"

"I know I myself must check in on my dearest companions soon..."

"Well that's it for now! We've been your hosts, Chamomile-"

"And Earl Grey,"

"And this has been NRTea. Stay thirsty, dear listeners!"

The stream continues on for a bit before cutting off, though.

"Hey... James?"

"Yes?"

"Y'know how Yuna has been locking up lately and stuff? Says she's been super sick recently."

"Mhm... It's quite concerning, if I am being honest. I haven't seen her for a while..."

"...I wonder if Yuna is alright. I hope she doesn't get hurt with all those brambles."

"...Me too, Lewis. Me too."

(✨YUNA OVERBLOT STUFF YAHOO!!!

-✨mod, @night-raven-miscellany. Technically James and Lewis, too, but I haven't been adding them fhdjfj)

Kiyuu stared down at her phone with a frown as the podcast ended. She didn't say anything, prompting Aros to speak up from behind her.

"...Lucky you haven't been over there for a while, isn't it?"

He spoke, giving Kiyuu a faint smile, leaning in just a little closer while dabbing a makeup brush into the eyeshadow pallette in his hand, before applying it, making slightly quicker movements than previously, already being able to tell what Kiyuu was thinking.

They both knew the signs by now from even just a glance. With the context the podcast had accidentlly given... Something bad was about to happen. That much they could tell.

His expression morphed back into a frown as he watched how Kiyuu's face seemed to go through a cycle of conflicting emotions, confirming what he'd thought.

"...Yuuto's close by, though. And he definitely won't hesitate to head straight for Ramshackle once he suspects something's happening..."

There was more silence, only disturbed by the quiet sounds of rummaging through makeup and supplies from Aros. They'd been in the middle of testing out some makeup samples Aros had been sent for a promotion when they'd decided to tune into NRTea's podcast in the background.

"...Would you like me to quickly finish applying your makeup before we go?"

Aros offered, picking up an eyelash curler, and tilting Kiyuu's head up gently with his pointer finger.

"But-"

"Ah- Let me finish now. If you're worried about time, I'll change up our plan, do something quick, yet effective, instead. Don't stress out more than you need to. It won't do you any good."

"Mmh... Okay then. I'd- really like that. Thank you..."

Kiyuu conceeded softly, a silent exchange of gratitude from Kiyuu between them, Aros nodding in response, expression neutral as he continued.

"...Heh. I bet he's real excited right now. I worry a lot for him when he does this sort of thing, y'know. Just doing whatever he wants with no consideration to anyone else's feelings..."

Kiyuu mumbled, an underlying bitterness that she never quite felt wholeheartedly in her voice.

"That's just how he is. The only thing for us to do now is help them both out, hm?"

"Ah- right..! Yuna, I heard their name was, I think... I hope they're alright..."

"As do I."

Aro's commented as he stood, reaching instinctively for his hand mirror, handing it to Kiyuu as he hastily, yet still neatly, tidied up his supplies.

"Satisfactory?"

He asked, turning his head around to gauge Kiyuu's opinion.

"Yeah! More than, for sure."

Kiyuu agreed, handing back the mirror. She felt a little better now, the familiar feeling of her makeup calming her nerves ever so slightly.

After a few short moments she stood, hastily reaching to fix up her hair into a more practical fashion.

"Okay! Okay. Let's go! We shouldn't waste anymore time."

She announced, projecting bounds more confidence than she actually felt.

"Yes, let's. Perhaps we'll even arrive before anything too disastrous occurs on either party's end..."

Aros responded. Though somehow, they both doubted that much of a miricle would happen for them today...

#{ - ooc //#WAAAA I SQUEALED WHEN I SAW THIS IN MY INBOX WHEN I WOKE UPPPP #then i proceeded to get so busy i completely forgot to reply.....#SO NOW IM HERE AT 1AM WOOHHH #i think i accidentally got way too invested in setting the scene between kiyuu and aros... ahaha....#the context for yuuto is that he was js out with Xen (his crow) in the outskirts around ramshackle when this all happens #so he's either like THERE ALREADY or like literally about to be #bcuz the thing abt yuuto is that he will literally run TOWARDS DANGER no matter the circumstances #feel free 2 do whatever sparks ur creativity n jazz w this info ;3 #eufhajfj anyway thats all i nearly fell asleep so many times while writing that BUT ITS ALL WORTH ITTTT #IM SO EXCITED I SWEAR ILL BE MORE ON TOP OF THIS TMRW😭🙏#hopefully aaaaaaaaaaaaa-#aue's asteryn #asteryn kiyuu #asteryn aros #asteryn yuuto #twst oc #twst ocs #twst oc rp #oc rp #twst yuu oc #twst #twst yuusona #twisted wonderland #disney twisted wonderland

37 notes · View notes

annakie · 9 months ago

Text

FIXING THE HOUSE: Chapter 12 - We Can Make It on the Outside

Part One: I Do Not, In Fact, Have the Power

Part Two: Let’s Spend Lots of Money!

Part Three: All These Things That I’ve Done

Part Four: I Really Want to Stay At My House

A little interlude.

Part Five: Power Down

Part Six: You Will Leave Some Paint

Part Seven: Backwards to go Forwards

Part Eight: Master of Bathrooms

Part Nine: Within a Room, Somewhere

Part Ten: Rooms With No View

Part Eleven: Big Bang Room Part A and also Part B!

Part Twelve: We Can Make It On the Outside (YOU ARE HERE)

Part Thirteen: Mauve Haze Symphony

Part Fourteen (A) - In the Kitchen

Part Fourteen (B) - Copper Green

Hi, I know it's been like a week and a half but I was damn busy. I went to Minnesota and saw my buddies @ahab99 and @gloriousclio for a long weekend and it was fantastic! And then just generally busy since I got home, doing lots of projects for home and other personal life reasons. But there's still two posts to go after this one, so let's actually finish this!

Today we're going to talk about the garage and I think also just like, outside in general? And we'll leave the two biggest reveals for last.

Let's leave the living room and first head into the garage!

Look, the garage is not that exciting. The most exciting thing tbh was the fact that I got it like, halfway cleaned out back in July.

It's been too damn hot, YES EVEN IN OCTOBER to really finish the job after I, tbh, worked too hard on it in July, but I'm still glad I did that because of how bad it needed it, but we covered that already.

So I said this before but I made enough space to easily walk around, I put up some metal shelving for more storage/organization, and did some general tidying, so hey you can walk through it now.

There's a significant amount of stuff sitting in it that I'm waiting for a friend of mine to come get, idk when that's going to happen but I hope soon. Like a loveseat, a vacuum cleaner, a small desk etc. When those things are out, it'll be even better.

There's also several bags of clothes that need to go get donated and one bag of fandom-related shirts I was going to sell cheap here on tumblr maybe if I ever get around to it.

So one big improvement was just the fact that the drywall was starting to get real iffy. Some of it was straight up threatening to fall down. So that's fixed. I do not care that the new drywall is blue. It's a garage, I'll deal with it later, maybe. Also hey, shelving! Still messier than I want it to be. At least all that crap isn't on the floor anymore.

Also, no pic for this but apparently one of the beams across the ceiling in the garage was either loose or had come completely off the joist, maybe during the re-roofing? Anyway, Arturo fixed that, too.

So yeah, the workbench is still messy BUT.. remember way, WAY BACK in Part Two when I had no internet one night because the plug for this internet box was on the ceiling over my garage and it'd come loose, but I couldn't plug it back in because it was right over my car, which was blocked in by a dumpster?

Yeah, well, see, that won't be a problem again. Yay, I have power next to the workbench! A brand new outlet.

Crazy that there wasn't one there before. The only actual outlet nearby was against the back wall, pretty far away. And that outlet was SCARY. Very loose, felt really unsafe. It's been rewired and looks good now, too.

The most noticable improvement was this...

OK, see? Still TUFF there. It's actually a little better now. BUT... the windows! You can see through them! They don't have paint smeared on them! None of them have been shot through with a BB gun!

Look I love the kids who live across the street (and there are ALWAYS kids in that house, the kids who were kids when I moved in 21 years ago now have their own children, and there are always other kids there.) But occasionally they cause mischief and at SOME point someone shot a BB through my window and also into the siding a bit. I don't have any proof who did it or honestly exactly when, so I never confronted them, but it irked me for the last 2 or 3 years when it was there.

They were also just original to the house, and needed replacing. So now they've been replaced and look nice!

OK, enough of the dirty, stinky garage, at least until it gets actually cleaned out more.

-----

THE FRONT EXTERIOR!

The picture at the top of this post was the last picture I had from "Before" and that was taken day one of roof work back in late June or early July. The old roof, old gutters, old windows... etc. Just old and tired looking. You can see huge cracks in the driveway.

TBH it was starting to just look run down. Other problems were like, the garage door needed painting, honestly everything except the poles needed painting and that's only because they'd gotten so bad a couple of years ago that I had asked my lawn guy do it.

Obviously most of the things that improved the interior along that wall improved the exterior, like the windows and door.

All of the black trim along the fake shutters and next to the door got a fresh coat of black paint. The windows got touched up. I thought about replacing the light fixture but it's only like 10 years old so I didn't.

TBH the brick and cement could use a power wash, I need to talk to my neighbor's son about that since he does power washing. The new door especially looks so pretty. It also needed to be swept in that pic, it has since been, and the bushes trimmed.

My neighbor Veronica keeps reminding me that the bushes out front are too high, and she's right. I talked to my lawn guy about it and we decided to cut them way down in the spring when they'll start to grow back again.

Another improvement outside is security. I have a door lock camera, another camera you can't see in these pictures covering the front porch. There's a motion sensor spotlight camera over the driveway. And more stuff you'll see.

See? Camera.

New windows! Painted garage door!

The plan had been originally to power wash the driveway here. But there were those two HUGE cracks that were a problem. We filled them in with caulk(?) and cement but then you got... well, what's there. Also looked real bad.

Arturo ended up with a couple of extra bags of cement from another project. So he ended up putting a new entire layer of cement over the driveway.

He said it won't last forever, probably in the next couple of years we'll need to do a new driveway in order for it to look good, but by the time we got to this, the money was really starting to run dry.

So here's the front of the house now! It's so much better! Still has a little ways to go, but definitely not in the running for the shame of the block anymore.

Couple of other small things happened, including me washing the glass in my little lamppost, and spending $34 on ONE replacement pane that had broken long ago but it now looks fresh and whole.

There's also now a little sign you can kind of see on the door in a pleasant script that says "NO SOLICITING! Family, friends and Neighbors welcome!" I'm not sure if it's actually working or if people are just skipping my house now that it's clear I DON'T need new windows, but I haven't had any randos knock in a month or two since it went up.

---

Had Arturo make a small improvement to my gates -- there were just BIG gaps between the doors and the walls. Like you could pretty easily see my entire backyard if you wanted to peek in at either door.

So he bought and installed a border around both doors of the same cedar wood, and I had saved a quarter bucket of the stain from Joel so it got painted. I also put locks on the gates because the locks the gates came with seemed pretty easy to open from the outside with like, a coat hanger. Now... not possible.

The sidewalk is swept and most of that junk is gone now, though I'm still waiting on my friend to come get the extra granite that he requested Arturo bring for him. STOP CLUTTERING UP MY HOUSE!! :D

But tbh, I don't have the funds and haven't had the time to pretty up the sides of the yard yet.

BUT... big improvements have been made on the patio!

---

You may recall that the patio was in various states of looking pretty much like this all summer.

Eventually, as we finished up projects, the patio started getting a little cleaner and a little cleaner, combined with Monday or Tuesday Morning cleanups.

Hey, an empty, but ugly, patio floor! You may recall the patio ceiling got painted and the ceiling fan went up very early.

What's this? It's just ONE color instead of three or four worn through colors? I love it!! A nice green, which, again, was a darker shade on the same card as the ceiling color. I'm probably going to need to do yearly touchups but I have the can of paint for that for at least the next year or so. Believe it or not, these are not the same greens as in the dining room, nor the master bath, or the k-- wait we'll get to that. Just a lot of shades of green in the house, all different!

The patio furniture I think I mentioned at some other point got painted from stained red to the same color as the patio ceiling. I bought new grey cushions that look fantastic with them.

I also had taken the rug that had been under my computer desk the last couple of years and washed it off in the backyard, let it dry, then rolled it up and put it in the corner of the patio and forgot about it for a month or two.

When I was finishing the final cleanout of the patio for the painting I had an idea of what to do with it!

I also, back when all this started, had bought an adirondack chair. I wanted a nice lounger to relax on in my backyard, even though I had four perfectly good matching chairs already. But I wanted to lounge. I bought it in like... June, I think? The box arrived, I dragged it to the patio and it basically became a table for two months.

Just this last week I finally unboxed it, and spent three hours putting it together. I do love it!

The rug really adds a bit of homey-ness to the patio I think. It'll probably be need to tossed in a couple of years, but for now, I really like the look.

Hey, you can also see the new bathroom window from the outside here!

I really think the patio came together well. There's an element or two still missing.

And also... what's this?

I bought a house for my feral boys Buster and Peter for the winter! I really wanted them to have somewhere protected from the elements for those long week or three where it's actually cold in Dallas in the winter. I also wanted something that looked cute and gave them both their own space.

Still working on getting them to understand that it's for them, but Peter has at least checked it out!

Buster is under a chair over there being unimpressed. But also it's still in the 60's or 70's at night so they haven't needed it yet. I'm sprinkling food and treats in and on it to get them to try to investigate at least. There are warm beds on both the top and bottom levels for them. And you can see they also have beds in the chairs/floor where I see them sleeping.

They get oral flea medication every month or so btw.

The backyard is covered with cameras covering every inch. Nice cameras that solar recharge and are in high resolution. Every entrance of the house has at least two angles on it now. I'm really happy with that setup. Plus of course monitored alarm system.

There's no perfect home security, but I feel like I've made my house an unattractive target, at least. There are also generic signs posted about the video/alarm surveillance.

ANWYAY...

Fry and Pemily have also been enjoying supervised visits outside!

Fry loves dirt. Pemily loves just chilling out. I love hanging out out there after work and chilling with them. I do want to get a little side table for the lounger, but in due time. And YES I WEAR CROCS AROUND THE HOUSE. They're comfortable, ok? :D

Still gotta get the generator hooked up, and at some point actually finish beatifying the outside, but that's gonna take more money han I have left over now. I'll keep working on it, but also right now I'm letting myself just enjoy it.

OK! Back inside next time for the last two updates!

#personal post tag thingy #fixing the house #fixing my house

11 notes · View notes

lumine-no-hikari · 8 months ago

Text

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #359

Today was absolutely jam packed with things. Or maybe it just feels that way because some of the things that happened felt so weird.

Well. Today didn't start weird. I finally decided to try that tamarillo:

It's related to tomatoes, actually! Here's what it looks like on the inside:

It's tart!!! And kinda bitter. Apparently the skin isn't edible, so you gotta scoop the flesh out with a spoon. I put some honey on it, and I thought it was really nice after that, actually...

J seemed to like it, too. But I think he would have preferred it without the honey.

I went to BB's house to “get stuff done” shortly after that. There wasn't much left to do in the kitchen, so we got to work trying to clear out the wedding presents from her dining room. They were scattered all over the table and also on the floor in various places; her dining room table was literally wholly covered in boxes.

One of the boxes was a lamp that she was meaning to assemble. So I began assembling that while she went to find homes for the contents of the other boxes. Here was the lamp after assembly:

She decided where the best place to put it was. And then I went and put it there:

I was left with like two sheets of bubble wrap.

Sephiroth... have you ever played with bubble wrap? It goes “pop, pop, pop” when you squeeze it, and it's very satisfying. I feel like everyone should get a chance to try it at least once.

...Tell you what. If you ever stop by the house, we'll run over to the post office and get you some; I've got a feeling like you'd probably be kept happily occupied for a while, given a large enough roll of the stuff...

...Hahh... what a lovely thought... to imagine you just... sitting someplace comfy and warm, popping bubble wrap without a care in the world...

...Well anyway. There are still a couple lingering boxes in the dining room, but the table has been cleared off!! People can eat at it now!! And we tidied up a few odds and ends in the kitchen, threw some new glasses in her dishwasher (I tend to be skeptical of dishwashers, but if it works for her...), and then she wanted to run some errands out of the house.

Part of those errands involved her getting things from a liquor store. I'm not so much interested in the alcohol, but... I am surely interested in some of the empty bottles!!! Look...!!!

...These are all EXCELLENT bottles for putting trees in!!! And I wanted all of them!!! They were all different in subtle ways, and I wanted to see how they might refract the light and bend the image of the tree into something magnificent!!!

...I only got two of them, though. And, like I said, I have zero interest in the contents of the bottle. But BB does!!! So she's gonna finish the contents!!! And then she'll give me the empty bottle when she's done!!! And then I'll put a tree in them, somehow!!!

I took a couple really nice pictures of the sky along the way, too. Here:

Things got weird when we went to the pharmacy to get her husband's medicine. It wasn't actually ready, and so we were waiting a long time. Unfortunately, M was on his way to get me earlier than I had anticipated. Even without that, M was waiting at BB's house for us to return for longer than he should have had to, and he also unexpectedly had a work meeting scheduled.

He was waiting longer than he should have had to because I wasn't on top of checking my phone, and because I misunderstood one of the things he wrote. He ended up needing to fetch me from the pharmacy where BB and I were waiting. Understandably, he was pretty upset with me for not keeping track of things a little better...

...I'll try to do a little better next time.

I was able to chill at home for a little while after that. I sought clarity on a thing that has been bothering me on and off for years now. And I got some today in a huge way, and... it'll reassure me for now. I'm sure my brain will get fucky and mean in my general direction again later; it seems to do that fairly regularly. But that's all right. All I gotta do is ask for reassurance until it passes. I get better and better at avoiding succumbing to my doubts the more I practice recognizing them for the nonsense that they are, but it'll probably still be some time yet before I'll be able to dismiss those doubts on my own.

J came home shortly after that. And then he and I went to Eggcellent to meet with a friend from the speed friending place – the same guy we saw when I went and got that beautiful steak with the beautiful spinach, not too many letters ago. We got some pretty epic yummies and talked about all kinds of fun and interesting things:

That little cup there is a new item – matcha pudding with adzuki beans. It was fucking! scrumptious! HOLY COW!!!

I also got a s'mores croffle, which was another new item!! Check it out!!

This, too, was utterly fucking delectable!!!

...I wish you were here. I think you would have enjoyed this a lot.

On the way home, we watched in horror as an older gentleman crashed into the pointy end of a guard rail in his car. He was unhurt, but the end of the guard rail basically stabbed the front of the car, which somehow both tore open the front left side of it, and also causing the car to kinda curl up around it. It was very bizarre.

The man was old, and due to the nature of how the car was both torn open and bent up, he wasn't strong enough to open the driver's side door. But, given the position of the car on a relatively well-used road with a high speed limit full of people who are only partially paying attention, we knew that it would be dangerous if he stayed there; someone might crash into his totaled car with him still in it. I managed to wrench the door open so he could get out, and then we brought him to our car. Before too long, a police car and a tow truck showed up to help clear away the wreckage. J and I brought the man to his house after everything was squared away. And then we went home.

...There are so many more things I wish I could write about to you in this space. But I won't. I wonder if you'd understand it in any case.

Well. I guess that's it for today. I'm not really sure what tomorrow will bring, but... I'm hoping I can make something good out of whatever occurs. I guess we'll see.

I love you. And I'm thinking about you and wishing for you to be safe all the time. Make good choices out there, okay? Because you've got people here looking forward to you and waiting for you to return.

I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

9 notes · View notes

utytimeline · 2 years ago

Text

Thoughts on UTY (Pacifist Version)

Reactions from when I first played Pacifist, and observations I made as the game progressed. A lot of these will be outdated by the time I get this list compiled, but it’s a faithful list of my reactions. No spoilers, plz. I haven’t done Geno, betrayal kills, or boss kills yet. (I kinda don’t want to, these are my babies.)

Long post ahead.

Ruins

Questions

Clover is the narrator, aren't they? I don’t think Chara’s even in this game.

What happens if we don't leave a tip at the lemonade stand?

Is there a way to wake Decibat after he goes to sleep? (I know that's cruel, I'm just curious.)

Dalv keeps talking about a friend, talking like he thinks he will meet them again- Kanako?

Dalv is mistaking us for the human that attacked him, isn't he? The one that made Chujin decide to kill the next human?

Who was leaving Dalv corn? My best guess is Ceroba- that she's felt sorry for him this whole time.

How to look in Dalv's locked doors/drawers? (Probably have to kill him. That... is gonna hurt. I like Dalv, he's a sweetheart.)

Observations

Decibat's music volume decreases the more you stay silent. (Which makes me think all battle music is being generated by Clover, not the monster.)

"Penilla draws near." (Italics added for emphasis.) *facepalm*

"Rorrim" is "mirror" spelled backwards.

Also, "Dalv" is "Vlad" spelled backwards, so might Rorrim be Dalv's personal mirror? Seems to fit, Dalv is extremely tidy.

Dalv's furniture's "fine craftsmanship" is probably Chujin's work.

Other Thoughts

I feel like a sponge cake with 2x absorption should have an effect where it absorbs damage for at least 2 turns.

Snowdin

Questions

Does the Snowdin ice block ever move? The guy that comes here from the Dunes just stands there and does nothing. Perhaps I need to check very late in the game, return from the last SAVE in New Home or something.

What kind of creature is Mo? I looked it up, and all I can find is "he looks like a raccoon." Yeah, I can see that, but he's kinda reddish-brown, so maybe a red panda? I also considered the possibility that Mo could be a tanuki, a Japanese raccoon-dog (and yes, it looks like a raccoon) that supposedly tricks people, especially tricking them into buying drinks- and Mo is a drink salesman.

What are we to make of the human on the wanted poster that Marty describes? She said they wore a hat like ours, but they came from space. I can’t think of a single equippable UT item that seems outer spacey. And since she’s describing a wanted poster, I don’t think she’s talking about Red (the monster she thought was a human). My first guess is that some monsters may equate the Surface with outer space, since they’ve never seen either (and many monsters are obsessed with the stars- Starlo and all the monsters making wishes in Waterfall, for instance).

Observations

Flowey: "We won't be anywhere near your fancy surface air for a while." (Italics added for emphasis.) He sounds... jealous? This was when I first realized that Flowey's only playing nice, but I still have no clue what he’s really planning.

"Snowy" is just barely recognizable in "Snowfall."

Mo's theme is easy to recognize because not only does it use the Sega Genesis soundfont, it even includes the Michael Jackson whoop from Sonic 3&K.

Ice Wolf was when I started to realize that Yellow isn't that long before UT. (Yeah, I know, Flowey should've been my first clue, but I simply assumed he couldn’t be Asriel, that he was someone else that somehow turned into a flower. Anything can happen in these games, after all.)

The Shufflers are all named after things you do with a drink: Toast, Swig, and my favorite, their leader Rephil (Refill).

The Shufflers scold Clover for starting a fight, but later Axis is the one trying to drag us into a fight. I guess battles can go either way.

Shopkeepers have full animations, it's not just facial expressions.

Yellow finally gives us real puzzles. Some of them even take a bit to solve.

Flowey makes a comment about mailing ourselves to Asgore. He clearly already knows about resets, so I think it’s likely that he’s seen the moment (at the end of The Dunes) that the whales start shipping people by mail.

Other Thoughts

Frostermit is so adorable. I need a Frostermit plushie.

Mo makes me think of what Spamton must have been like before Gaster (no, I'm not suggesting a connection, just that's what he made me think of- but given the other, more obvious DR inspirations throughout the game, I think it’s possible they were going for that kind of character).

Headcanon: Insomintot is related to Knight-Knight. They both inherited a genetic tendency to fall asleep when a human sings.

I love the UGPS jingle, it's so cute.

"(The remnants of a snowman. Once full of life. Now full of potential for new life.)" This line is a little creepy, to me. Clover may not realize it, they're probably just joking, but WE know that some snowmen in the Underground are alive, and I'm wondering what happened to this one.

I don't know if it's the same soundfont, but the Honeydew Resort theme reminds me of Final Fantasy: Mysticquest.

I actually picked "minor scales" when talking to the cellist at the resort, because I actually do like minor scales.

Being a Shadow the Hedgehog fan (the character, not just the game), I got a chuckle out of the description of coffee bean ammo. What do you mean, you can't eat the beans???

I haven't actually noticed any 4th wall moments, but Martlet's message on the second ball puzzle, the message that apologizes for making it too high to see and says the human must be very good at guessing, makes me think it's a very obscure allusion to the fact that Clover is being possessed by the player. There aren't enough moments like that in this game for me to go all crazy with lore and theories, but it's a nice touch to see such an allusion.

In all fairness, Marty has some craftsmanship abilities. Unfinished, shoddy workmanship notwithstanding, it still takes some knowledge of mechanics to make a water-powered door lock.

I just love Marty, she’s so sweet, I want her to be my little sister.

Waterfall

Questions

Why does the Royal Guard bother to survey their prisoners on “auditory ambiance” and things like that when they’re just gonna deliver the SOUL to Asgore??? I mean, isn’t the victim (except Red, apparently) usually dead before they get this far???

Observations

Not sure, but I’m guessing this is a different river than the one we travel with River Person. Not only do we never meet River Person, but the colors of the ground and plants behind Ava look like the marshy sections of Waterfall that we never get to walk in.

Other Thoughts

I love how we never actually visit Waterfall (unless you count the post-credits scene), we just float past it. Acknowledgement of the source material without actually copying it. And gave them that much more time and room to include an entirely new area (2, if you count the Wild East as separate from the Dunes).

The mention of a Royal Scientist threw me off. I totally did not expect Alphys, I thought this game took place many years before UT, and I’ve seen no Gaster references in this game at all.

The Dunes

Questions

More of a complaint than an actual question, but… if they wanted to make a Zelda reference, WHY OH WHY did they have to do the Death Mountain rockfall???

Since the Dunes are so near Hotland, could the gigantic Swelterstone be responsible for Hotland’s heat, too?

Since El Bailador calls us a “Sentinel of Silence,” how will killing Decibat affect the fight with Bailey?

If you do well in the Bailey fight, does he stop saying you don’t love dancing as much as him?

How to move the sunbathing (wait, what sun?) cactus that blocks that one road?

Observations

The Dunes is where I noticed that the battle theme changes depending on the location.

Sea Tea still increases SOUL speed. Loved that they kept this in.

Same black slime that we met in MTT Resort Hotel. And still outraged because of an elevator. Feels like he’ll never find a working one.

Bowll being a china bowl shaped like a bull is probably a play on the phrase “a bull in a china shop.”

Clover got the green healing flowers (the ones in the Omega Flowey fight) from Violetta.

I sucked at Mew Mew Love Blaster, but I watched a walkthrough, and DID THEY SERIOUSLY GIVE MEW MEW A “BIG SHOT”?!? (Coming back to this after finishing the game, I went, “yup, they did.”)

Other Thoughts

“Vigorous Terrain” is my favorite location theme, but I still haven’t figured out whether there’s any significance in it being a remix of “Your Best Friend.”

That first tumbleweed, the one that comes rolling out of the hole in the cliff, had me like “wut?” I did love how they replaced Undyne’s rocks with tumbleweeds.

I also love the mines music. The first few notes remind me of Zelda’s Lullaby (from LOZ).

I actually missed getting a free pickaxe because the monster’s trivia question about the Royal Scientist threw me off. I still didn’t realize this took place after Asgore hired Alphys, I thought it came WAAAAY before that. (This also finally confirmed for me that Flowey is, in fact, the same one we know from UT, Asriel.)

I tried not to make a lot of comparisons to DR, considering this isn’t even canon to UT, but I did feel like the mouse attack in Bowll’s fight was very similar to that one attack in the Maus fights in DR. But I think the Maus fight itself was probably a reference to some old video game (can’t remember which one, it just always felt familiar), so maybe UTY was making the same reference.

Was stunned to see Undyne look-alikes in the Mines, was more surprised that they mentioned her, and was the most surprised to find that they’re not related.

Clover has a very cute animation for hopping in the mine cart.

I could not figure out Bailador’s fight mechanics, and tbh, I got thru it on an absolute fluke (and the silver scarf). I had to look up a walkthrough later to realize you have to move into the right space AND press the action button when the color lights up. I thought it was just being in the right space. Every rhythm game controls differently, it seems.

Wild East

Questions

Do mail whales keep notebooks full of potential rhymes, like Marty and her notebook full of puzzle ideas?

Is “designated naptime” a reference to siestas, or did Star just not want to overwork everybody?

“A ballet shoe could be lethal if used enough times.” Um. Got anything to share there, Blackjack? “Don’t question my morality! I’m not prepared to speak on it!” OKAY, I REALLY NEED YOU TO SPEAK ON IT NOW….

Can we get into the locked farm cellar? (Preferably without killing anyone?)

Observations

Animals still living in the Underground at least provides some explanation for where monsters get their food (in addition to the corn).

The BEST part about the health overcharge? You don’t lose it when you SAVE! He might be a plague doctor, but Doc works absolute miracles.

Star paid double price for the gun he bought us.

They actually take around 15 paces for the dual (I lost count). (And yes, I spelled it “dual” on purpose.)

Moray comments that Star made them walk around with a rubber snake in their boot. I looked it up, and it looks like the first and most well-known movie to use that “snake in my boot” reference really WAS Toy Story (although it has origins outside of film from farther back). So Starlo also watches animations (as long as they have cowboys).

Vengeful Virgil’s comment that not caring about others’ feelings is what makes him a villain, comes while we’re on our way to console Star after his cocky selfishness drove everyone away. This was not a coincidence.

Every monster has a magical ability, and Starlo’s is literal “bullet time” (he can slow you down).

^This also makes me wonder: remember how he flew backwards in slow-motion when we shot him in the dual? I wonder if he was using his bullet time on himself for dramatic effect.

Star’s family: his dad, Solomon (the sun), his mom, Crestina (the moon), and a brother who’s name I never found but looks like a 4-pointed star. (I’ve seen people call him Orion, so I’m going with that, for now.)

Star has several sticky notes in his dad’s almanac, and keeps dad’s almanac on his own bedroom nightstand. Seems like Star probably took his life on the farm seriously before he left home.

Star also apparently had an interest in outer space. Possibly some confusion stemming from Toy Story? (I actually started headcanoning that Toy Story got him into cowboys, and put together a fic on that.)

Not sure where the term “space cowboy” originated, or what Clover’s actually referring to when they say it about Star, but the first use of that phrase that I’m finding is a Steve Miller song from 1969 (referenced later in Steve Miller’s “The Joker” from 1973, the line that a lot of people associate with Steve Miller: “some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love”). The phrase has been used numerous times in multiple ways since then.

Seems like Star sewed his own outfit.

Other Thoughts

Picked “no” when Star asked if monsters die when you ride them into the sun cuz I thought the whole town would converge upon me, heh.

Was honestly surprised that the dummy finally showed up. This was the first time I tried using the FIGHT option, and it turned out to be rather difficult. I am not looking forward to Neutral or Genocide.

Star tells Ceroba we’re as good of a shot as him, and she goes, “Really? A child?” Still not entirely sure whether she’s poking a bit of fun at Star, but I don’t think she is. Star doesn’t take any offense to her comment for himself, and her sprite when she speaks next, saying she’s “impressed,” looks extremely surprised. (In all fairness, despite Blackjack’s claims, Star actually is really good.)

I suck at them all, but the mini-games in UTY are all so fun.

Love the change-up to the battle animation during Feisty Four’s attack, how they switch between characters and even team up.

“A tumbleweed rolls by. It says hello.” Well, why not? I mean, the rocks and cacti are sentient.

The first mention of Kanako at The Lab had me in tears, because, like… we KNOW what happened to her.

Steamworks

Questions

“The Steamworks was the main power source of the Underground.” This statement confuses the timeline a bit for me. The Core is now the main power source of the Underground, but my understanding is that the Steamworks was operational long after Gaster died.

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THAT LAST AWARD ON THE WALL SAYS.

Does the story change at all depending on what parts you use for Axis’ gf? (Also, I wonder how many of us just picked up the first 2 or 3 items and then realized there’s way more than 4 items to choose from and wished Ceroba would let us start over.)

Is there a way to fix the grandfather clock?

Does the grandfather clock say something different if the time on your PC actually is 6:26 on a Monday morning in spring?

Observations

Ceroba telling Clover to wait in the corner, kinda refers back to her doubting that a child could be as good of a shot as Star. She has very little respect for Clover at this point. Not entirely sure if it’s just because Clover’s a human, or if it’s also because they’re just a kid.

Don’t think I missed Flowey’s comment about The Lab. He clearly does NOT want us to go there.

Ceroba must have some kind of dimensional satchel, herself. I don’t see how else she can carry the hunkajunk we built (not to mention pulling her staff out of hammerspace).

BTW, “dihydrogen monoxide” is just water. Vendy probably just called it that to make it sound poisonous.

Vendy said their last boot up was yesterday and that their creator always comes by on Mondays to restock them. Sadly, the grandfather clock is stuck on 6:26, Monday morning. Kinda feel sorry for Vendy.

Guardener is actually nice. She even grows a flower just for the bot that came late.

Telly-Vis starts using the bullet patterns of other monsters during the “reruns” portion of the fight.

You can cheat on the Axis fight if you have the silver scarf. Just deliberately miss Axis when you ping-pong the red balls for enough turns to heal up.

I haven’t tried it yet, but I’m guessing that Ceroba would get mad and ditch you if you kill one of the robots, turning the run into a Neutral.

Other Thoughts

Screw those water puzzles at the start of Steamworks.

DAT MUSIC, THO.

I’m not gonna try to discuss Ceroba’s growing respect for us. That needs a whole analysis post of its own. (Well, everything about Ceroba needs its own analysis.)

Axis rolled in and I was like, “Oh, no, another one.” Seems like we just keep running into these darned toaster ovens on wheels.

Axis music is fire, tho, all of it.

I swear I hear some DR inspirations in the music. Haven’t learned the names for all the tracks yet, but at one point I thought I heard Digital Roots (when Ceroba’s fiddling with the generator) and at another I thought I heard Card Castle (the room where you build Axis’ gf).

A game mechanic I love: Ceroba’s shield effect (well, as long as it’s shielding Clover).

A mechanic I hate: Jandroid’s slippery floors.

I also love the manta ray ferryboat.

Mo’s level of professionalism is off-the-charts. He ain’t about to let a little thing like his clothes and his stand catching fire ruin a sales pitch.

Being a Christian, I’m not going to share what I really think of the Axis chase.

Loved seeing the return of popato chisps.

I swear, I thought all that white stuff was monster dust at first. Walked into the Science Division and nearly burst into tears.

I hope somebody finally has chance to either fix Guardener or shut her down properly once they reach the surface.

Conveyor belt puzzle caused me trouble because I kept trying to box up trash. Took me a while to realize “red” and “blue” referred to the highlights around the objects.

I’ll talk more in depth later, but I love how Clover has this calming effect on Ceroba when she’s chewing out the productivity bot.

Believe it or not, I didn’t get caught by Axis in the fireplace room! Go me! (Actually, it’s really not that hard….)

Still not entirely sure what I think of Axis deliberately handing us a “weapon” just to give himself an excuse to attack us.

I’ve said this before: he took me an hour and a half to fight the first time. I really hate the mechanics in his boss fight. And it was especially humiliating for me because I’d only died, maybe, 3 or 4 times before him. Didn’t have any trouble with Starlo, and while I never did get the hang of Bailey’s fight, I think I only died to him once. Guardener was responsible for the other deaths.

I love how Ceroba’s been insulting the Steamworks the whole time, but I don’t think she ever insults Axis. That was her late husband’s baby. And then she even gives him tips on dating.

Ceroba finally respects us after the Axis fight. It takes remembering why she needs us for her to be able to press on with her mission.

Chujin’s House

Questions

Woodworking, robotics, SOUL research, video game designer, loving husband and father- I know Chujin was kinda old, but how DID he find time for all this???

Marty finds Kanako’s room to be unsettling. Not sure why.

Clover doesn’t like the gas stove and worries it will cause a housefire. I’ve wondered before whether they came from an orphanage. Did they lose their family in a fire?

“The Founder’s Crest.” Who are the Founders? Founders of what? Or is this just a reference to something I’m not familiar with? (Possibly something in Japanese culture?)

Was Chujin actually that much older than Ceroba? Or did he just age rapidly because of his research? If boss monsters only age when they have children, how could he have become so old before marrying Ceroba… unless he’d already had, and lost, one child before?

I’ve been told there’s a secret behind Chujin’s grave. Will have to check it out the next time I do a Pacifist run.

Observations

Strange that Ed found the trapdoor so easily when Ceroba didn’t know about it until Chujin told her. Ceroba must not have covered it up properly before locking up the house. Possibly also Chujin somehow arranged it with her that he would be the one cleaning the dining room.

I feel like Moray’s the smartest one of the Four. They knew it was a good idea to send for Marty.

And THIS is where Marty gets smart. She takes charge in Star’s absence. The Four listen to her, even Ed (reluctantly). And SHE’s the one telling us to stay on track.

(Ok, she’s still a bit naïve- she doesn’t seem to consider that Chujin’s paper with her name is actually ABOUT her.)

The drawings on Kanako’s bedroom wall: Dalv, the monster on the Dunes swingset, her family… and a flower? Well, I mean… a lot of little kids like to draw flowers, so that might not be anything. Also a drawing of what looks like Axis lying on the floor.

“Nuh-uh! Kids shouldn’t mess with knives!” Nice little reference there, dev team.

And, of course, it’s Flowey who makes light of Ceroba’s mission, calling it a “science fair project.” Well. He has every right to say whatever he likes about SOUL research. Doesn’t he.

Of course, we didn’t get Star’s letter in time because Ceroba wouldn’t let us check the mail. But I highly doubt she planned it that way, as she had no idea the Five would be snooping around her old house.

Other Thoughts

Starlo is so. completely. PISSED. And… uh, he has a right to be. Like, she’s doing a lot of what he just did- lying and scheming and using Clover to fix her own problems (those two are a match set, I swear….) And he’s torn. These are his two friends, Clover being the human he practically worshipped, and Ceroba being one of his closest friends (not to mention the love of his life, but I digress). He doesn’t want anything to happen to her, but he can’t let Clover get hurt, either.

The fact that Moray sent for Marty as soon as learning that Clover was in danger just seals in the idea that Marty is part of the family.

…how long has that corn chowder been in that fridge, anyway???

I’ve already discussed my thoughts about Chujin in other posts, a lot of them still in queue.

Hotlands

Questions

Kinda wonder what could’ve made Clover suspicious about the wall to the left of the UG Apartments.

Never did figure out where the “rain” was coming from. I figure it’s just a leaky sink upstairs or something. (I’d thought at first it was from the janitor cleaning the hallway, but that’s on the other side of the building.)

Observations

I’m sure everyone recognized it, but in case someone didn’t, Bailey’s in the colored tile room.

I think Muffet herself blocked the way thru Hotland, renovating for her pastry shop.

Mr. Cursor mentions a 10-sided die. They have some version of D&D in the Underground. Probably more like… idk, Houses and Humans?

Working for Mettaton must have taken quite a toll on the janitor. He doesn’t look nearly so tired or decrepit here.

There was a flier on the bulletin board in the Wild East that was advertising the acts at the UG Apartments. The band we saw in Honeydew Resort has a gig at the Apartments on Fridays. So, this game- or at least by the time we reach Hotland- is on a Friday.

Other Thoughts

The monster candy is butterscotch-flavored. *nods* Of course, what else would it be?

Poor Heats. Defeateeeeeeeeed again….

Star can actually survive drinking magma. I’ve got headcanons about this boiling in my brain….

I thought Know Cone said he was just gonna look at Hotland from a mountaintop…?

New Home/Pacifist Ending

Questions

If there’s an elevator leading to the castle, I’m guessing that means at least one of the other endings has us actually fight Asgore.

How exactly does Kanako’s mask give Ceroba superpowers? I feel like it might be a reference to Japanese mythology, but I know very, very little about Japanese mythology.

How exactly does Clover have the ability to see into Ceroba’s memories?

I kinda hate myself for asking, but… what happens if you choose FIGHT after you beat Ceroba?

Observations

Star is the one asking Ceroba if she’s gonna kill them all because while he doesn’t know all the details, he recognizes the headspace she’s in.

Other Thoughts

Not only am I thrilled to finally get to explore some of New Home, I’m absolutely in love with the design and the music.

I think when Ceroba says she lied about Kanako, she’s not saying she lied about Kanako falling down, or about sending her to the lab. She lied about having any hope that Kanako would return safely.

How the heck do frikkin’ cherry blossom petals have so much attack power???

The dash mechanic took me time to learn, but if Toby ever decides to steal from Yellow, I hope he steals this :P

My reactions to Ceroba’s plan: “But Chujin specifically begged you NOT to use Kanako! How do you think you’re honoring his memory by going against his final wish?!” “Oh, I see, finishing the serum was his death wish. That’s still no excuse to use your own daughter, tho.” And finally: “…oh…”

I tried to get thru the game without cheats (except for being on easy mode) but I did have to turn on auto-fire for Ceroba’s final phase.

#undertale yellow #my thoughts #questions #my analysis #long post #pacifist #too many characters and locations to tag

30 notes · View notes

cepheusgalaxy · 24 days ago

Text

Warning for something that miiight be perhaps slightly vent-y. Not anything really bad and I'm currently doing good but something that bothers me and I'd rather keep track.

I do Not like it when my dad and stepmother (because congrats to them they're marrying) keep bugging me about. About the way I keep my room.

And it isn't even like, how I *generally* keep my room. It's clean and sure, not pristine, I always forget to sweep it, and my notebooks and laptop are often scattered over my desk when I'm not using it, but it's still a pretty neat room. And it's not even about this kind of stuff that they get all worked up about!

It's my bed!

They want me and my siblings to do our beds when we wake up (which ok) and specifically lay out the bedspread over the bedsheets when we wake up. It's supposed to keep dirt off the actual sheet so it's not dusty when we go to bed, and they're really pretty and colorful bedspreads.

Lately I realized I do not really like them in my bed—it's a hassle putting them on and off and on and off instead of just dusting the bed before sleep like I used to, and often I just end up sleeping on top of the damn thing anyways—but my stepmother always comes into our rooms to check if we've done our beds and if we haven't she does it herself. I hate leaving my bed undone (before I just avoided it coz I don't like it messy, yknow?) even more now because...for one I feel bad she's doing this for me just because I didn't and second it's a little bit invasive. So okay.

She went on vacation these days, and I was experimenting not using the bedspread then, and was overall pretty happy. When she came back, (my dad doesn't check our rooms) she was pretty upset I hadn't put it on and came to talk to me to do it. I explained I didn't want it—and she went on about how it keeps our beds neat and organized ("my bed is organized! just look! even my plushies are perfectly in place!") and makes every part of the house neat ("but it's my room. it doesn't need to align with the rest of the house!" and how my dad and her do most of the chores and they only ask this of us (which, FAIR, that is true and i definitely could help more around the house) and—

And then she was like oh okay then, if you won't do it I will. And so I stayed there and pointed her to where I'd hidden the damn thing in my wardrobe and watched as she neatly put the bedpsread over my sheets and organized my plushies and pillow back in place, then left.

And I felt so upset. It's not that big of a thing—not really—, but I hated it. It felt like they (her and dad because I know it's not just her) had invaded my room. I felt a tiny little bit violated. It's my room. My space. And it's just a tiny little preference—bedpsread on or off—that isn't even that bothersome and the difference hardly matters but still.

I get it why you'd want your house to be neat and tidy and decorated how you want it, but I want my room the way I want it too. I just. Like. I got so upset at the moment that I teared up a bit. And then we were back to usual routine and "oh, by the way, ^^ my sister handed me a present to gift you" because she didn't meant to upset me, I know it, she didn't even raise her voice or push me out of the way in the slightest when she berated me and her tone was just soft and firm, but I felt bad. Like I didn't get to control my own room.

I don't know. I didn't like it. I think it's petty of them to make me do my bed the way they want it, it's me who spends the most time here and it's supposed to be mine. I have the right to keep my things the way I want it, damn it.

#this was a few days ago.#SIGHS #im mostly over it. im laying over the goddamned bedspread right now.#but uh i dont know i thought itd be good to keep track of these stuff.#just so i. like a diary.#vent #<- just to organize it if i want to find it later #rambles #i like my stepmom i like my dad. but. COME ON

2 notes · View notes

ofcowardiceandkings · 2 months ago

Text

the two guys on charge of site atm while our normal guy is on holiday have both thoroughly got under my skin today and i was already having a bit of a rocky week AND its raining tomorrow. so im gonna hope they leave me the fuck alone tomorrow or i might go supernova.

allow me a rant because im BEYOND annoyed and need to let it off somewhere

for whatever reason this site on the scheme is chronically under-everythinged so our supervisor situation was already pretty poor, its usually about 1:10 supervisor to archaeologist, but we've gone down to 1:25 before. so the ones who ARE here now are new, and the one who HAS been here is doing the inside stuff replacing the actual site lead while he's on holiday. i'm not his biggest fan, he's not very experienced and he hasn't been very helpful at all. sometimes actively unhelpful bunking off talking to his shit surveyor husband, he was also on holiday last week. i only met the other guy - from a subcontractor firm - who has been supervising site for 6 days total now, and he seemed alright and he knows some of my office's coworkers. another note; i have hypermobility syndrome so i have to pace myself on digging, and im a carpal tunnel risk and have already had cubital tunnel, thats what the arts do to you.

anyway theres a complex set of features in the corner of the site which i had been working on for over a month before it got a little crowded and slowed down. i took over something else someone had left behind, and it took ages to figure out because it was messy and no one could really see whats happening because of a huge mask of orange on top everything. i had it dug and photographed at the end of the 19th.

then we had a bank holiday, and i had an extra day off but a few of us got send out on wednesday - bear in mind that its a 6 hour commute from our home office to here, so i functionally had about 2 days that week.

in that time, i sat down to do the paperwork, and then got asked by the proper site lead to go help on the complex feature to get the plan and paperwork tidied up before a machine comes to remove it to see whata underneath it and the orange deposit everywhere. i was already keeping an eye on the guy still actively working on scale drawings because although he isn't a trainee anymore, he's still fresh and doing remarkably well for someone without a fieldwork trainer other than me for months, and he's also my friend i've been living with since october. so i spent most of that remaining week helping them.

and when i got back to the thing, the newer supervisor and some others had reinterpreted my feature (incidentally to what we had suggested the week before but whatever). just to make sure, i was asked to clean around it more to check. the conditions are fucking awful so i couldnt just trowel or hoe it, i had to awkwardly take a mattock i borrowed from someone else (under-everythinged theres not enough of them by a 1:3 ratio) and chip concrete hard clay off the ground. then i had to rework the drawing and start the paperwork over.

whatever, come back this week, start doing paperwork from 13:30 on monday. now, there's a considerable amount of general collaboration that happens even if youre not digging yourself yknow. i spent a decent amount of time helping other people the week before as well, moving dirt piles, cleaning for photos, tsking the photos, moving tools about etc. i did that again on monday so i barely touched my paperwork. had to talk to people about the survey, move things around, clean around for someone next to me, help other people figure their stuff out, etc. think "eh fine i'll be done tomorrow"

on tuesday !! the site safety manager, after rearranging our too-small car park the compound next door also use, also decides theres not enough welfare unit space for us (true) but that we cant just stagger our breaks !! we've been trying to get new cabins for weeks lol. a bunch of us get shuttled out to other areas for the day. i did push quite hard for the new trainees who've been dumped in at the deep end with their trainers, and that the rest of our office had been there for as long as the other supervisor running site now that the original guy was on holiday. eventually two of us get torn away to go with a different company in their bus for a whole 3.5 hours worth of work on a different miserable site with shitty supervisors who made us dig with just shovels because apparently no one has mattocks. which yknow is a manual handling hazard. oh and we were the only people digging in the concrete clay rather than the MOSTLY SAND. so we were sore and annoyed, shit day.

go back today, want to be done with this stupid hole now. i go do some more general maintenance stuff i try to keep on top of anyway because a lot of people forget - toolshed cleaning, setting aside out-of-spec tools, putting away loose paperwork so it doesnt get lost or destroyed. the cabins are too full for the hot weather and i was feeling drowzy so i went out to do the paperwork in the bit of wind and listen to other people chat work shit to calm down but not doze off.

i didnt wanna cross into where we were working because it was being surveyed pre-machining, so i sat in a spoilheap with my back to the sun somewhere i could hear people. i got shuffled out of the way by one of my not-so-fave coworkers because i didnt realise he was using that heap, fine. then the new supervisor who was supposed to be okay came over to me and asked if i was still doing paperwork. uh yeah. i got asked to do other shit dude. you were literally there. then asked me how much i had left. he's not said anything remotely questioning of ANYONE'S ability before. i breezed him off saying yknow i was helping the other guys and honestly thats more important before a 13 tonne digger removes it all, than filling out the things i can theoretically do anywhere.

ive had enough, im already wound very tight, i havent been sleeping properly for a couple of weeks, yesterday was awful, some of my newly bought food had gone off, etc. gather my shit up and walk to the compound to finish writing up in the luggage hatch of the minibus and stress cry in peace. at break the others come back and i say what happened and theyre all surprised and confused. also, office admin ask to change how weve been doing this sites timesheets for something stupid which WILL cause problems so i sent a catty email about that too.

after break, i go to a cabin to finish the last bits and use a tablet to do our dogshit digital recording which is honestly a massive waste of time and energy for us and would be much for efficient for someone with a laptop to do, but i digress. paperwork also takes longer than everyone in a supervisor or above position says, especially when everything is all cross-referenced as it should be. i also help the others - who are mopping up the last of the complex feature paperwork - do some of that and help reorganise a bunch of stuff that had gotten messed up or duplicated somehow. the in-charge supervisor had been out to see how it was going on the ground, but immediately comes up to me and asks if im still doing this thing. but you photographed it the week before. what about last week. what were you doing for other people.... ALSO he very rarely talks to us at all, so this was fucking weird. i did snap a bit and say thank you :) when he dropped it and left me alone, but i barely feel bad. either the other guy tipped him off or he took it upon himself to confront me about it, both of which are fucking stupid imo. the actual site lead asked me to do something else, and ive been buzzing around doing thankless nothing tasks other people forget to do. not to mention a lot of people working for his company (our partner company) are horrific at their time management and youd be better off employing little terriers to dig and do their paperwork sometimes.

the whole cabin is stunned into silence, and were still talking about it on the drive 'home'.

after that i finished the literal ONE entry left to do, pass the paperwork to the guys next to me activelt checking and filing and stomp onto site making a straight line for the supervisor from our office who's here for just this week. i swear if the first guy had talked to me again today i would have mauled him.

i might apologise for snapping at the guy whos in charge for now because i really didnt mean to but honestly fuck right off. i wanted to like you as well other guy! but no! dick move extraordinaire!

if tomorrow isnt better then i might fully fly off the handle.

and now im going to bed and hoping i dont wake up too early again.

#the last few straws for this camel are coming thick and fast #and im NOT here for it #rory's ramblings #rant //

3 notes · View notes

askanautistic · 4 months ago

Note

How to stop myself from indulging in my urge to spend my whole free time learning or thinking about my obsession? I really hate how it prevents mr from doing what I want. I don't want to think about it. I don't want these stupid obsessions. I enjoy it too much

This is a tricky one! Interests can be good, of course. We should all feel able to enjoy ourselves sometimes, and I think it's important that people don't let themselves be dragged into feeling like they always have to be doing something 'useful' - yes we all have obligations, but we all also need some time to just have fun, and also to relax. Finding the balance between enjoying an interest and having it take over to the point that other areas of life are being neglected to a harmful extent can be hard, though. Here are some things I try to do (and followers can always reply or reblog with their suggestions). Do other things I need or want to do before I allow myself to engage in an interest. If I have tasks I need to do around the house, or studying to do, or I need to leave the house for something, I'll avoid doing anything interest related that might get me fixated. Once those things are done, I can then engage in an interest and be more relaxed and comfortable knowing that the things I needed or wanted to do are done.

Use the interest to motivate myself into doing what I need to do. Depending on the thing I'm into, sometimes I can actually use it to make other tasks that need to be done more enjoyable. If I'm obsessed with a certain album, I might listen to it whilst washing up. Usually I'd fill up the drying rack and stop. When listening to an album, if it isn't finished, I'll be more motivated to dry up and then even do more washing up (if there's a lot), or to try to find other jobs to do in the kitchen like wiping down counters or general tidying, just so that I can carry on listening to the music until the album is finished. Listening to a podcast or something new that requires me to focus on listening can be more difficult because I get distracted or daydream. Another option is to...

Infodump to someone or discuss an interest with someone whilst doing other things. Basically a way of engaging that doesn't prevent me from doing the other things I need to do. Obviously this depends on having someone supportive who's willing to listen if they're not interested, or having someone close to you who might actually find it interesting themselves. I am not big on infodumping in the sense that I only tend to infodump to specific people that I'm very comfortable with, but I'll often tell my girlfriend about something I read while we are both doing household chores, or she might even have seen something that made her think of me (because she knows I'm interested in it) and that she can tell me about and that we can discuss.

Engage in interests in ways that have a cut off point. I might listen to podcasts about an interest or read about it whilst traveling (when I reach my destination, that's a natural cut off point). Or on a lunch break (when my break ends, that's the cut off point. I might read one or two chapters, or mark a paragraph break that I'll stop at (and if I do decide to carry on, mark the next 'break' so that I'm at least aware of how often/how much I'm going past the limit I tried to give myself). I might listen to a podcast or watch a video and once that's finished I disengage instead of finding something else to watch/listen to/read.

Use someone else as a cut off point (create accountability even when there usually wouldn't be any). Agree to do something with another person, like watching a film or doing a task. They can remind you that it's almost time to do whatever you both agreed to, and knowing they're waiting for you might push you to disengage when you'd usually let yourself continue. If my girlfriend reminds me that we were going to watch a film together at 8pm, I might still need to finish a paragraph or chapter (depending on what's reasonable time-wise, considering she's waiting for me), but I'll be more inclined to wrap things up quickly because she's waiting. Sometimes I might be typing something and might lose track of time and need a bit of prompting (or reminding that I can save something to finish later), and sometimes I might have to ask if we can watch at 9pm (if I am in the zone when writing and really need some more time to finish what I'm working on). But it creates some accountability. Save links or open things in new tabs to avoid being trapped going down rabbit holes. (This is so you can hopefully disengage at a more reasonable point.) If I'm reading about one thing to do with an interest, and see links to other information, I'll often save those things somewhere to look at later when I have more time, or will open them in new tabs so that they're ready to be looked at. Sometimes I'll be driven to read or watch or listen to something immediately, but often I can leave it knowing that I can look at it later (especially if I'm worried about going off-track and getting confused or forgetting to come back to the article I was originally reading). This kind of links into the above (I can maintain a cut off point (finishing a specific article or chapter or watching a video, instead of being trapped hopping from article to article or video to video). I might also note things down, like books or documentaries to look up, so I know I can look them up when I need to do and don't feel as much like I need to do it immediately. Use tech to remind/prompt/cut yourself off. Set alarms, or use an app or browser extension that will cut off access to certain sites after a certain period of time or at a certain time of day. I do not have the discipline for this, as the idea of being cut off and not having control fills me with anxiety and rage, but I know people who seem to find it very helpful.

Tip jar.

#special interests #hyperfocus #hyperfixation #resources #actuallyautistic #askanautistic

6 notes · View notes

frolics-dannilions · 4 months ago

Text

Genshin High School Shenanigans:

I Wish I Could Erase All the Memories

When Kinich tries to deliver some unusual light novels to the a fortune teller that was feared by many, he finds himself in a weird relationship.

Content warning: none

Tags: modern au, no romance, platonic

Pairing: Kinich & Citlali

Part: 3

—

"I see... A great fortune in your future."

The store is empty, gloomy, and mystical—with the exception of a delivery guy sitting down in front of the greatest fortune teller of the generation setting down cards.

"My future?"

Kinich doesn't really believe in these mysticism, he'd rather believe hard evidence than someone who allegedly has a third eye in their soul. But since it's free, he might as well indulge himself in some magic.

"Yes but it may come at a cost."

Citlali's words are mysterious. She vaguely describes what she sees Kinich, something that he himself isn't ready to her.

"Your peace will be disrupted by a force of nature." She places a card in which a person is being chased by a monster. "Now I don't know what this force is but I sense something chaotic."

Chaotic? Kinich's life is already chaotic as it is, what does she possibly mean another thing would cause more unwanted chaos?

He watches the older woman read the cards intently like she has done this countless of times before. The cards shuffle around in her grasp and she lays down another card, a couple under the moonlight.

"I'm guessing you're already in a relationship."

Kinich nods, "A girl from my school." He admits, on the inside he wanted to talk about the surfer girl more but Citlali is a stranger to him, it's better not to talk about it with her.

Her blue eyes stares at the card for a good while that makes Kinich feel a bit uneasy. Sometimes he wonders if Citlali is that old to be called Granny by her peers. She looks fairly young, not that older than he is, maybe could be three years his senior. But he knows looks can be deceiving and some look younger than they are, he learned that from how young his mother looked back then.

"A-anyway... I think that concludes today's reading. Sorry I got a bit distracted there, the card looks kinda wonky is all."

"Yeah, it's fine."

He gathers up his stuff from the ground, tying his jacket around his waist out of habit.

As Kinich hoists his school bag on his shoulder, he watches Citlali clean up the cards and storing them back up in the shelf. He never notice how barren the store is, keeping the store tidy herself and the business is slowly losing its audience. He walks over to the corner and grab the broom.

"Huh? What are you doing?" Citlali calls him out as he sweeps the floors, keeping the dust away from the fragile artifacts displays. She rushes over to him and try to get the broom back but Kinich dodges her skillfully and keep sweeping. "My mother taught me to help people in need, especially ones who are older than me. I'm just volunteering."

He can see the fire in her eyes starts to blaze, he might have fuck himself up.

"Ugh, you brat! I'm not that old, okay?!" She scolds him, pointing her index to him like a mother would to their child. "I only need you to deliver stuff to me not become my janitor. Now get back here and hand me that broom!"

He shakes his head.

Stubborn little shit...

"Fine!" She says, lifting her chin up, "If you like cleaning so much then why don't you help me clean the racks, they're gathering dust there that my grandson was sneezing for two days straight."

"Noted." He affirms.

This brat is really stubborn and prideful for his own good. Ugh, kids these days... At least he has some respect for his elders.

As the clock ticks away, the two start cleaning the store peacefully. Citlali instructing him to clean some objects with certain techniques while Kinich helps her with taking out the trash at the back of the apartment complex. It's been ages since he has helped someone like this. Even Mualani doesn't ask him for anything, then again, he is quite scared of her strength.

He scrapes the dirt and grime from the sole of his shoes on the doormat and returns to the store to see Citlali gazing upon something, he couldn't really tell since her back was turned against him. But her words are the thing he can listen to, "The day is almost here, you should be grateful I still respect you." Kinich wonders what she's talking about.

"Miss, the trash is out." He enters.

Citlali flinches a little before discarding the object inside the drawer, "Ah, I see, alright. Thanks a lot, kid." She clears her throat again before fidgeting with the strand of pink hair cascading over her shoulder. "I suppose you deserve a reward, do you like chocolate?"

"Chocolate?" Kinich tilts his head.

She gives him a shrug before pointing at the back of the store. "Figure you miss the taste of home, those chocolates are Natlanese chocolates."

His footsteps abruptly halts, turning to her with a surprise look. "How did you know I'm from Natlan?"

"Your name is an obvious giveaway but you're also stubborn and isn't afraid of hard labor that I throw at you. Traits of every Huitztlan soldier."

Ah, I guess she is right.

"Help yourself, alright? Just don't touch any of my stuff."

"I will, thank you, Miss Citlali."

He enters the back of the store to see a sink with a stack of dishes nearby all cleaned from their gunk, next to it is a small fridge he usually sees when delivering stuff to hotels.

Opening the fridge, the box of chocolates is right in the middle. He takes it carefully before accidentally bumping his hand onto some bottles. His eyes wanders to them and reads the label stuck on the bottle... Alcohol.

She drinks? I know adult life is hard but why does she even have alcohol here. He sighs internally, Don't ask her about it, Kinich. You're just helping.

The charms jingle again as he exits the store with the box of chocolates in his disposal. But his mind couldn't stop remembering the bottles of alcohol in the fridge.

It gives him nightmares that night.

#genshin impact #genshin #fanfic #genshin fanfic #genshin kinich #genshin citlali #kinich #citlali #no romantic relationships #no romance #platonic #this is not a ship

2 notes · View notes

frogofalltime · 1 year ago

Text

12.02.2024

i didn't get to sleep until super late due to extremely painful cramps, so i didn't set myself a morning alarm, and i woke up around 12:30pm

i stayed in bed for another hour because of the pain but i finally got up, took a shower, and got dressed

then i ate some soup and a toasted bagel really quickly before therapy. i was slightly late for therapy because my laptop shut down unexpectedly (it doesn't recognise the battery so if you accidentally knock out the charger it turns off lol)

my therapy session was good !! i love my therapist. they get me very well.

after that my dad facetimed me and i panicked (ever since my mother warned me about my aunt thinking i'm a lesbian — which i'm literally not, i'm a trans guy in a queerplatonic relationship with another trans guy, but my family is very transphobic and homophobic and they don't care about semantics — i've been constantly on edge worrying that my dad is going to find out) but he just wanted me to show him what was wrong with my laptop. alhamdulillah

my parents are coming to visit me on wednesday and i am very anxious about that especially because they make me doubt things and worry that i am going to hell, so my therapist recommended me to spend time in the morning before they arrive doing something / with someone that affirms my identity to remind me that being myself isn't something to be ashamed of. so i messaged @etherealspacejelly asking if they wanted to feed our pigeons, and robin was like YES OF COURSE, and also reminded me that day would be valentine's day, which i had completely forgotten existed lmao. since we are an aroace couple (and we are both staunchly against capitalism) we decided to just spend time together in nature rather than doing anything commercialised !!

then i went for a walk to watch the sunset from my favourite place, and joined in with an emergency protest calling to stop the attack on rafah (and gaza in general). after that i got some things i needed from a shop on my way home, then sat in my room for a while to decompress.

my childhood friend was going to call me in the evening, but they had a really long day at work and needed to go to bed, and i was also pretty tired and extremely dysphoric from being on my period, so we decided another day would be better.

then robin messaged me to tell me about a funny youtube video he just watched and i needed cheering up so i decided to watch it while eating dinner. i had no energy at all to cook, so i just made myself some sandwiches which i heated up in the microwave and i had them with some bombay mix and nuts. then i really craved chocolate so i ate the rest of a big hazelnut chocolate bar that i had left over from yesterday with some fruit to balance out the meal.

after eating i washed my dishes and went back to my room. i needed to wrap up my brother's 21st birthday gifts; his birthday was actually the day before mine but the book i bought for him is really big and heavy so i decided to give it to my parents to bring to him when they come to visit rather than spending a lot of money to post it in the mail. so i did that and made him a pokémon-themed birthday card using random scraps of paper and stickers that i had in my room, and it turned out pretty cool if i say so myself !

i kept listening to youtube while doing this which was very fun. i also got advice from @wiggles-mcgee on how to sign the birthday card because i haven't properly come out to my brother yet and he would probably open it in front of our parents so i didn't want to surprise him with my "nickname" turning out to be my chosen name, but i didn't want to use my birth name either, but lucy said to just sign it "your favourite sibling" which is funny because i'm his only sibling. so that was a very genius idea !

then i randomly had a burst of productive energy so i tidied up the huge mess in my room, i had done a lot of art / scrapbooking / card making in the past week so there was Debris™️ from that everywhere and it took quite a while to sort it all out.

finally i brushed my teeth, put my pyjamas on, and went to bed. unfortunately i couldn't sleep at all until around 2am or even after that idk, i had a headache and i kept needing to get up and use the bathroom which was very annoying because i had to wake up at 7am for class :')

but i must've fallen asleep eventually because i woke up on time to my alarm !! and i have to go get ready so see yall later :)

#binya of the day #tw periods

7 notes · View notes

zenixromeave · 2 years ago

Note

I have a recurring dream where Laurence uses crutches as a mobility aid (psssst this is your invitation to ramble about disability headcanons)

YIPPEE! i got another similar ask so ill add more there, i'll talk mostly about laurance here

i won't say much about them since idk if they would like that but there's someone in my life who has some disabilities & experiences that aren't very commonly talked about online, even in communities with the same disabilities, and laurance is their favorite & they kin him & i model a lot of his character off of them in my rewrite/my brain so! he's a character i have a lot of thoughts about in relation to disability and i love him a lot for it because it makes me happy to represent the people i love thru the characters i love :]

i try not to divulge too far from canon with anything, because a lot of my headcanons and stuff are already really far out from canon, but laurance is a character i don't care too much about following that rule with.

to address the elephant in the room of his canon disability, in my rewrite, his vision does improve somewhat after returning to the overworld after his transformation, but it will remain in the "legally blind" classification, which is a big range of experiences i need to look into more, but i basically plan for his vision to remain very poor even when he heals. he'll probably use a cane throughout my rewrite after turning into a shadow knight. i'd like to hear about your dreams of laurance using crutches, lol :D

and i think this is where my idea of him will especially deviate from others because, unfortunately, intellectual disability is not "sexy" and therefore isn't usually written, and especially not with a character who is percieved as so generally attractive & stuff. but i'm different. so.

laurance is autistic! he misses social cues and comes across as mean often, (though, sometimes he is just a little mean 🤭) and he can be very difficult for a lot of people to work with. he doesn't learn very well in the ways other people do, and so he struggled a bit in guard academy because he doesn't behave like others & doesn't try to. i don't think he gets into a whole lot of fights, because he is a grown man, but he's no stranger to altercations because of people who refuse to understand and accomodate him, as well as his own inability to communicate sometimes. he also has some motor control issues, he's kind of clumsy & breaks things a lot more than he'd like. he's great when it comes to the motor skills used in sword fighting, but when out of battle his movements are a lot more sloppy and lead to him dropping and spilling things a lot, as well as tripping and stumbling. not sure exactly how i'll put all of this in my rewrite, but let it be known that this is how i'd write him if my skills are up to the task.

some of it comes from his upraising too, since he spent a lot of time around literal dragons, human social customs aren't his forte. however, i think a lot of his coping mechanisms when he's stressed are related to tidiness and cleanliness because of this, and because he feels like he isn't able to maintain that sort of thing regularly.

i also write him as quite paranoid, both for himself and for the people he cares about, because of trauma and the way guards are taught to distrust everything and respect others more than themselves.

i think i kind of got off topic with this but jfkwifisjfjjr i've been thinking about laurance a lot lately. i didn't even get to the post shadow knight trauma. he's so much. love that guy.

tldr; even before the emotional and physical trauma of becoming a shadow knight, laurance has some trauma responses & cognitive disfunction that leads to him coming off a bit rough around the edges and that impair his movement regularly, and after he literally dies and goes blind it only gets harder

#i feel like this is absolutely .nonsensical #very scatterbrained. sincere apologies haha #and i haven't even decided everything in reference to him yet. i've been meaning to talk about him with the person i mentioned & see what #they think #mcd rewrite #mcd #z.txt #im so sorry if this makes no sense and is off topic 😭 ty for the ask

5 notes · View notes

edwardpinestar · 2 years ago

Note

whats your writing process like?

Hi! Sorry for taking a bit to get to your ask, I've been taking my time to make the most comprehensive answer I can, and that takes a bit of thinking on my end to figure out what my process really even is.

My process can be divided into 6 (and a half) steps, which greatly blend and blur together, but that'll I'll separate out for an easier time telling you.

I will be using the 'A Guide To Becoming A God's Consort' AU (Also known as Cult of the Cat AU) and all its works as examples throughout this list.

Step 1 - Base Idea

The base idea is where it all begins. It's the gimmick of the story. What is the main focus of the story? What is this about? For CotC, that was it being a Cult of the Lamb adaption, with the Puss x Death ship. Strip away everything, and that's what this story is.

Step 2 - Rough Plot Ideas

Once I have the base idea, I start figuring out more. What ships will there be? How do I want this to feel? Do I want it to end happy, or sad? What are some of the things I want to happen? This isn't anywhere near complete, and is rather just a general idea about what I'll want. CotC actually started a bit unusually to most of my AUs. Rather than start writing with any proper ideas, I started with 'What To Do If Your God Propositions You (A Guide)', and that did not have a whole lot of thought put in it besides 'tentacle smuttiness and CotL crossover'. The planning of the plot of 'What to do when you fall in love with your god (A Guide)' came later, when I made the decision to take this beyond a smutty oneshot.

Step 3 - Peer Review

And then, I send the ideas over on Discord to some friends. This is only a recent thing for me, though putting this much time and thought into planning works is also quite new too. I used to wing it a lot, but I don't like doing that now. So, I send the ideas on over, and get criticism, as well as more ideas to add to it and further flesh out. We bounce ideas off of each other, building the ideas into more well rounded points, and fill in gaps. We also roleplay scenes, which I will later along the line adapt into the work.

Step 3 1/2 - Stew Time!

This one both is an isn't a joke, haha. More often than not, when an idea reaches the peer review point, and we've discussed it for a day or so, depending on how captivating it is, the idea then goes on the shelf. Or, it will go on the shelf during or right after Step 4. I have 8 work-in-progresses posted. I have 49 single, multichapter works, six series', and 26 oneshots in various draft states, but all in documents. All for Puss in Boots alone. I have more ideas that have gone through the first three steps that are just sitting in Discord, not put in documents. As much as I wish I could, I just can't write all the ideas I get, and it's only the ones that truly catch my attention that make it to Step 4 and beyond.

Step 4 - Transferring

Once I'm happy with an idea, and I transfer it over to a Google Document. I do this by copy-pasting all relevant Discord messages into an empty document. Then, I go through and tidy everything up to make it comprehensive, putting points together if they need to be, rewriting things to not be addressing other people, cutting out anything I decided against using, ect. I add to it as I see fit, further fleshing things out. Once its all ready and tidied, it either gets shelfed, or it goes onto the next stage.

Step 5 - Writing

This is the hardest step for me to explain. I just pull up a new document, and get to it. I try and keep my chapters around 3k words now, while my oneshots vary, some being 10k+, and others being split to have multiple chapters depending on how I feel about splitting. I will also, more often than not, listen to music, sometimes instrumentals, sometimes with lyrics depending on if I want the music to match the mood of what I'm writing, or if I am able to focus on writing if I have lyrics. If I have roleplays I want to add to the work, then I copy-paste them over, and rewrite them to fluff them up and make all the responses blend together seamlessly. I write until I reach my minimum word goal and feel I am at a good stopping point. I don't write drafts. What I post is what I wrote the first go around. If I don't like something, I will amend what I don't like, but other than that I don't do drafts.

Step 6 - Editing and Posting

These happen near simultaneously, so I'll just put these together. I do two rounds of reading and editing. I read it in the document, correcting any spelling, grammar and HTML tags. Then, I put it all into AO3, and go to see the work preview so I can check its all formatted correctly and see if I can pick out anymore mistakes. Once everything is ready, I post.

So that's my writing process! Titling and summary writing always varies as to when I do them. Sometimes they're the first things I come up with, other times its more around the middle, most of the time its the last. It depends on when the idea for a title comes to me, and when I can figure out a nice way to summaries the work.

Other authors, feel free to hop in and share your processes!

#asks #my asks #writing #writing meta #author #fanfiction #fanfiction meta #ao3 #writing process #pinestar's inane ramblings

5 notes · View notes

emptymanuscript · 1 month ago

Text

One of the things I really wish and think would help, is doubling down on that "no one is perfect" idea.

That one of the most effective thing we can do is to stop looking for the clean hands ideal.

No one's hands are clean.

Life simply doesn't work that way.

No one belongs a pedestal. No one is ideal. No one is the totally innocent, pure as the driven snow, sacred cow of purity.

The world isn't broken up into neat lines. We, ourselves, as individuals, aren't bordered by tidy boundaries. And that's not only normal, it's ok. No one is perfect. So you not only don't have to be, it isn't a goal worth pursuing.

Because I think that's a big part we don't acknowledge. That a lot of the desire for purity and the resulting condemnation of the other, even if I, myself, am the other, is the fear of not living up to our own ideals. It's the denial of imperfection in the self so we don't have to feel disgust at just being... this, being human, being fallible, having the experience of thoughts and feelings that we would like to say we would classify as bad. Which is peanuts to all the stuff we've actually DONE that we're ashamed of.

Much easier to simply say, no, I can't be bad because of X, Y, Z, and therefore X, Y, Z is good while A, B, C as the recognizable alternative must be bad. Just force everything into that and life is suddenly neat and tidy and easy to define without a lot of work and mess.

But life isn't like that. It's work and it's mess. The very worst person deserves all the rights that everybody else does. The very best person doesn't merit free reign and dictatorial control. Hitler SHOULD get a meal and a bed. Jesus should NOT get to force me to live by His ethical code.

More importantly, no matter how highly or poorly I think of myself and my own favorite people, I and they should be kept in the same boundaries as everyone else. I SHOULD NOT have the right to be dictator over you. I SHOULD NOT have the ability to claim total goodness and purity without flaw or slip. I SHOULD NOT get everything I want. Not even every possible grace for prior good behavior just as I do not deserve eternal punishment and ridicule for past misdeeds. I'm the same as everybody else, within acceptable statistical tolerances.

No one should be the exception to the rule. If there's an exception, it's not really a rule. It's just a rule for a particular class of people. Which is the problem of class in the first place.

WHY should one set of people get a class distinction to change the set of rules that govern them compared to other sets that are treated differently?

It generally boils down to a very tiny set of reasons as justification:

The class is a victim and deserves compensation / The class is predatory and so has incurred a debt that it deserves to pay

The class is better, superior to the common masses, and so deserves special license / The class is inferior to the common masses and so deserves special oversight and less self determination

The class has greater accomplishments in their history and those accomplishments have earned them special license / The class has a history of failures which has earned them special curtailment of their rights

The class has special needs and so require special privileges in order to live an equivalent life to the rest of the population who don't have those special needs / The class has a special cost to the rest of the population and the rest of the population should not have to pay that cost when it isn't their problem

The class is idealized and the rest of society wants to lift up the ideal as an expression of itself and its values / The class is demonized by the rest of society which wants to derogate it as an expression of its boundaries and self definition

The class is foundational and needs to be favored in order for the society to maintain its current identity / the class is antithetical to the current identity of the society and so needs to be othered in order to keep that identity

All of these are problematic. They often overlap as ways to justify each other. And they all, also, have their uses. It's still not clean.

But divvying up the world to look for the clean hands makes those hands fall neatly into those justifications, doesn't it.

Clean hands CAN'T be predatory, they can only be neutral (but then why would you care?) or a victim, which automatically means they deserve compensation. The class can be both superior and inferior at the same time, superior in their suffering or plight or nobility because of how they are treated as inferiors by everyone else. The class has greater accomplishments because of how hard it is to have clean hands in this dirty-dirty trash-heap pile mess of a fucked up world, so they deserve a special license of protection from the big bad world as a reward, haven't they suffered enough? The class absolutely has special needs, the rest of this pure dag-nasty evil world is trying to crush them so we need to arrange for their protection before it is too late. It is idealized as what we want to be, we all love an underdog story, we all want to have clean hands ourselves, and if we reward and venerate them it shows that we value that over the rest of this inadequate shit. And finally, either foundational or antithetical works, depending on the point of view. If it is foundational, well, then it needs to be focused on and protected as a confirmation of that identity. If it is antithetical, well, then society is the problem and it needs to be attacked in order to keep them separated. Most of the time that one is actually a kind of manic-depressive back and forth of we're wonderful and they're terrible as the subject moves between states of connection and disconnection with their own place in society.

But you see the set up here.

Especially if you are defining yourself into this class.

You CAN'T be a predator - only neutral or a victim. Your suffering makes you better. You're a survivor so everyone else owes you from the suffering you have already endured, you shouldn't have to suffer any more. We're the ideal by which we judge the rest of the world. So we focus on us as good and any challenge to that means that society is the problem for picking on you.

It is a completely circular argument, a wall of self definition that has to keep every challenge out because the definition is the wall itself.

I experience this nasty little combo most of the time when I start considering my ethnicity. I end up re-enacting it over and over again until I notice it and challenge it. Most of the time this comes around in a negative of disappointment. I am very angry with my ethnicity, I am disgusted by a lot of representative action, precisely because most of how I encounter it is violently contrary to how I was raised to think about it.

I was raised to think of us as victims but that that victimhood had taught us to be a kinder and more giving people. We survived atrocity and everyone even vaguely sane recognized it was an atrocity and agreed that intolerance of us was unacceptable, we have suffered enough, and so shouldn't de denigrated any more, because we were innocent victims and have learned and have a lot of wisdom and generosity of spirit to give to the world because of that. So we're the good people which means not only that the world shouldn't pick on us any more but that we aren't doing anything that deserves being picked on for. The exact opposite, we're showing the world how to be better.

Which, if you file the numbers off, is just plain old racism.

And, no, the numbers don't actually matter. It IS just plain old racism.

It just happens to be the "positive" aspect. We're superior. As opposed to the "negative" aspect: You are inferior.

Part of the reason I love my BFF is because he got kicked out of his place in our community for calling us on it. I suppose I shouldn't say us, I wasn't there, different community, but it was a beautifully protestant thing in the best possible way. He saw right through the wall and called it for what it was, in exactly the words that would resonate with it. Horn of Jericho blowing. And the only possible ways to deal with it was to change or evict the blasphemer. So they kicked him out. It was too fundamental a blow.

Unfortunately, we're just living in that circular hell.

And I just keep thinking over and over that we should know better. We had this done to us. We've been on the other side of the wall. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over AND HOW DARE THEY!?!?!

This isn't what we are. This goes against everything I was taught that being part of this ethnicity meant. All the parts I rejected, yeah, sure fine. But all the parts I kept. The parts that I feel define me as part of the ethnicity.

I am furious, not just because I think what my ethnicity is doing is morally repugnant, but because it is the blowing of the horn, it's the too fundamental blow, the wall of this is what it means to be my ethnicity, can't stand up to the facts of the real world. It is an unsurvivable attack on my own self definition.

I can't be defined by that wall of definition when it doesn't apply as a definition.

And that's the other problem, that everyone is looking for dirty hands when it comes to racism. We're looking for the 10 foot tall baddies who look demonic and wear SS uniforms while spewing baldly evil sentiments and noxious bile of murderous hate just grabbing up children and tossing them on a great pyre that smokes like a mushroom cloud and is swarming with plague flies.

We know that's not us, so we "know" we're not racist.

We know we aren't monsters.

So our hands aren't the really dirty ones.

And once we're defined as not dirty, while at the same time we're purposefully looking for clean, it starts to look like nothing but a hop, skip, and a jump from where we are to where we want to be.

We just have to hold the right views tight, we just have to say the correct things right, we just have to have our heart set where it belongs.

For most people, clean is simply not being dirty.

For most people who do better than that, clean is just washing your hands as necessary. You confess your sins, and you come away shriven. You're clean now.

For most of the rest, it's just cementing ourselves self righteously in our purposeful attempt to recreate Ethical OCD. We get real judgey as a self defense.

It's really quite rare and difficult to just sit with yourself in the mess and recognize that dirty and clean are abstracts. You're not really either. We're not really either <- see, hard for me to say, because I'm very rarely up in the recognition of my own messy humanity. I spend most of my time bouncing between the lower levels but keeping the judginess.

I'd argue that even most of the people who do occasionally just sit with themselves in that messy humanity are like me and can't hold it very long. It's the airy elites of the self wise who live there. Worth aspiring to, rarely achieved. Because it's hard. But it does let you deal with the world better. It does let you hate less. It does feel like taking chains off.

I don't have to be like that.

I don't have to be defined by my ethnicity. Or my gender. Or sexuality. Or religion. Or any of any of that crap. We can co-exist. We can overlap. But we can co-exist without destroying each other.

Some days anyway.

While distracting myself from my own failings with giant essays instead of the like button.

I recommend the attempt.

Many lgbt teenagers and young adults growing up on the internet today have socially conservative beliefs that they voice at all times that they got from their conservative parents which they’ve never challenged because they think the life experience of being gay or trans makes them politically progressive

173K notes · View notes