#this wasnt today but it was not too long ago & i dont think i ever shared it

[moveslikekeithrichards]

tale from a lunch duty teacher: like many schools our cafeteria is the gym so the clocks have cages over them. & during lunch this tiny little baby man, very inquisitive and always eager to tell you things like his dogs name or the color of his dads vacuum, raises his hand and, when asked what he needed, points to the clock and goes. 🫵You Trap That Clock❓

[djtommotomlinson]

last november i was in china when my little brother called me and told me to come home. over summer my nan, my mums mum, had passed away before i had managed to get back to see her and my mum, my best friend in the world, had a heart attack soon after. i was with her then. we went to the funeral. she got better. we saw robbie williams live. we went out drinking and to the beach and watched coyote ugly and la la land together, our fave movies.

when my brother called me to tell me mum had cancer i knew it was bad. i lost my best friend to cancer when we were just 16 years old. thats never a good word. but its my mum. and to quote her days after her own mums death 'i always knew one day my mum would die but i never knew she would, like, actually die'.

i knew in the back of my head why i was going home but i didnt believe it. i watched spiderverse for like the third time on the plane. i went to grab my suitcase and laughed when i realised i was at the wrong shanghai - gatwick conveyor belt. who knew there were two at almost the same time.

then my brother, my baby brother, who is 30 next year but was 28 and always our baby brother, called me and my life is never ever going to be the same. i knew the moment he called. and i sat on the floor at gatwick airport shaking and people kept coming over to ask if i was okay and finally my sister and my aunties, my mums sisters, arrived and they were let into the baggage area when they explained and picked me off the floor.

i dont think this is a grief that has settled yet. i was meant to see louis that night. i havent listened to a song by him since despite his music getting me through some of my hardest times. my denial, she'll walk through the door and say this was all a joke, phase went on for months after we planned and executed a funeral and wake on the beach in malta. i made a great playlist, i wrote a great eulogy. i did that but it didnt properly sink in why.

i still, almost a full year on, wake up and think about messaging her to tell her how im feeling and check in on her.

my mum used to send me one direction news she found on facebook every day. harrys got a new album emmy did you know? and i was like no mum wow thank you (of course i already knew). she loved niall and we were going to see him live together. she wasnt a big fan of louis' music but ached for what he'd been through. i woke up the day after hearing about liam expecting a text from her checking in because she got me 1d tickets in 2014 for my 23rd birthday and she brought me merch and the dvd of the movie -

my mum who hated the beatles because they were too mainstream but loved what i loved because i loved it and was passionate about it. god she would have been crushed for me today. she would have been heart broken.

and i think this has hit me like a train not only because everyone who knows me knows how much i loved liam as if he was my own friend, but also because this past year has been so full of grief i dont always know how to get out of bed. my dads mum passed a few months ago. my family are wrecked with it. this past year has been a nightmare we can't get out of.

i always related to liam as someone who was bullied at school and as someone who suffers from mental illness and has suffered from alcoholism, thankfully, for me, something ive managed to come back from and im sober and i always hoped for that for him. its such a hard fucking mountain to climb and i didn't have to deal with the fame side of it and this whole other thing he had to carry. i always wanted him to get better but in the back of my head i had this feeling, i had this fear that i would one day log into tumblr and see the worst.

i still cant, and im sure for a long time won't, believe this real. thats one of my boys. we were very much meant to get old together. i wanted to see him get better. i cant begin to comprehend the fact he wont have that chance. this still doesnt feel real to me man. thats my boy.

just a few days ago I was in a convenience store and they were playing heart meets break and i was jamming and excited to hear my boy in a store. i keep remembering its happened, and i look at the photo on my bedside of me and my mum at the robbie williams concert and i could really do with her right now. a link to a facebook article and her over use of emojis - a shocked and crying face and a broken heart. because what else can express this?

i know i didnt know him but i always had the comfort of knowing of him, of listening to his music and watching his videos and feeling less alone in a cruel and lonely world.

its okay to be a fucking mess, if you can take time out please do. i wish this world allowed more of that. after my mum everyone had to go back to jobs and life and it still blows my mind that i was walking down the street then and today and everything was the same. the world should pause but it doesn't.

at the end of all of this, one day this might settle and make sense but right now it doesnt at all and thats how these things work. i love you all, this is not something i thought we would have to face until we had all grown old and spent all of our money on reunion tickets and seen our boys grow old and live their lives.

give people you love a hug, tell people you love that you care about them, work out problems and differences if you can and make the most of it. you never know how much time you have.

[bridgyrose]

Cinder Fall is not used to compliments, so whenever Ruby tells her how pretty she is or says she likes her, Cinder is not used to it at all.

“Your eyes are pretty.” 

Cinder paused when she heard Ruby’s voice, not quite sure where the girl was going with it. Just a few months ago they were rivals… enemies. And after Salem was defeated, there was nothing left but for Ruby to be her jailer, to watch over her for her “rehabilitation”.

“I-I’m sorry,” Cinder asked. 

“I said your eyes are pretty,” Ruby repeated without looking up from the potatoes she was cutting. 

“Why would you say that?” 

Ruby stopped cutting her potatoes and looked over at Cinder. “Is that not what you want to hear?” 

“You’re supposed to hate me!” Cinder roared out, flames burning her eyes. The sewing needle she held snapped from her grip, her body nearly trembling at the idea of any part of her being called pretty. “I killed your friends, destroyed your school! Your whole life was upended because of me!” 

“And I did hate you, for a time,” Ruby admitted quietly, her hand trembling. “But right now, what matters is making sure you do your time. Though, I do have to admit that having you here has been nice.” 

The flames in Cinder’s eyes started to fade as she watched Ruby. Her voice didnt have the same disdain that others had when they spoke about her, almost as if everything she was saying had been the truth. Every day she’d spent with Ruby made the hatred she felt burn ever brighter, but today, all of that anger felt… misplaced. 

Ruby started to cut her potatoes again as she continued to speak. “I cant say I’ll ever forgive you, but that doesnt mean I cant give you another chance to do what’s right. And over these past few months, you’ve done nothing but prove that this is something you’ve wanted too. I’ve seen it in your eyes, in your smile when you dont think I’m watching you with your projects. You are quite beautiful when you’re happy.” 

A blush crossed Cinder’s cheek for a brief moment as she watched one cross Ruby’s. Beautiful wasnt a word that people had tended to use for her, and hearing it now felt strange. And yet, it was something she wasnt opposed to hearing. 

She took a breath to calm herself and sat back down to continue repairing her combat gear. “You shouldnt say something like that to me. I dont deserve it.” 

“Then I’ll keep saying it until you think you do.” 

Cinder paused once more and looked back at Ruby to see her giving a smirk. Her heart fluttered in her chest, a blush came across her cheeks once more and the words she had wanted to say seemed to have been lost when she recognized the truth in Ruby’s words. But what really surprised her was how quickly Ruby had used her semblance to appear in front of her, a gentle hand on her cheek. 

A soft smile crossed Ruby’s lips and she gently ran her fingers down Cinder’s cheek. “Every day I see you, I fall more and more in love with you as I get to know you. The real you. And I wish for nothing more than to keep knowing you.” 

Cinder pulled away and huffed, turning her head to hide the blush that seemed to deepen. “Just as long as I can finish my time here,” she said more to herself than to Ruby. “There’s no need to get attached.”

[frogtossing]

started watching the TnC anime today because im so desparately craving more content and i think its still too soon for me to replay the game.. im on episode 7 right now (plot wise: Nano showed up, Keisuke is on Line now) and.. hmmmm. i dont think its the best thing ever but its also not straight ass. sure, the art style is super inconsistent, the animation whacky most of the time, the pacing a bit unfortunate but at least the music slaps! what kind of REALLY bugs me is that they... just took out the yaoi?? i get that they wouldnt include anything super graphic but... come on. until now (and i honestly doubt itll be brought up at this point because comparing it to the game, we're already past that) there was not a single explicit mention of Keisuke's years long pining for Akira?? Kazui wasnt mentioned in regards to Rin's backstory (even though there would have been an opportunity for it??), Shiki doesnt make a single suggestive comment towards Akira, except for that point where he compares him to a dog or whatever (but that type of mild petplay-adjacent talk is nothing on the Shiki-scale of bdsm-ness).. actually, at the VERY LEAST they could have kept the HEAVY tension between Akira and Nano.

the way their first meeting goes in the anime is so cold.. theyre supposed to feel instantly drawn to each other??? LITERAL sparks every time they touch. Akira being so terribly entranced by Nano's eyes and aura... i just feel like if they wanted to reel in a new audience (especially non-bl lovers and people who havent played the game) THEN THEY SHOULDNT HAVE ADVERTISED IT AS A BL??? (at least its tagged as shounen-ai wherever i look, so im assuming it was announced as one?) or at that point, why even adapt a fucking yaoi game if youre gonna de-yaoify it?? like, okay. i get it. it aired 15 years ago but still. there was gay shit around in 2010. okay okay enough complaining. like i said, despite that im having a fun time and sometimes the animation even slapsssss (Takeru's death, im looking at youuuuuuu). im also just happy to see my wife Emma every now and then. from a story standpoint i like how theyre including little bits and pieces from the different routes and also new stuff (like the gang having a picnic on the roof <3). i wonder what they'll do for the ending.. i feel like ive reached the point in the anime where the story will only further stray away from how it is in the game....

(also im reading through some of the episode discussions on MAL and some of the things people had to say back then are so funny. thank god im not someone who went into the anime without having played the game.. i dont think that would have been a nice experience :P)

[jemipola]

The person who previously inhabited this body (and i dont mean that in a transgender way. i mean that in a... youll see). The person who previously inhabited this body died a while ago.

She always knew that she was alone in the world. She had two choices: save herself, or die. Well, she looked at saving herself. Its the first thing youd try when faced with this dilemma dont you think. And she tried her best, but couldnt do it. So then she tried to die, but she couldnt do that either. Instead, she would cut herself off from life, from connection, from sadness, from everything. And her soul would wither and die like it needed to. Whatever was left, the husk, would keep on going, living through this unbearable life, but this didnt matter much to her.

But the husk kept going. A new soul was not born to replace the one lost. Instead, think of it as some underling taking control after management left. It didnt really know where it was going. Or how to love, or how to feel. But it did know that it needed to keep moving forward.

The husk couldnt escape the life of the girl though. And it too, in time, realized it faced that same question. Save itself. Or die. And the husk too wanted to choose the first option, except that it was a little older, and it had money and it had freedom.

So here I am. Just trying to save myself and not die.

Ive done a lot lately. I started HRT about a year ago. I dont really know about this whole gender thing, but i know she would have liked it. I cant deny the brain fog has gotten better. At least when the testosterone suppressors are working correctly. Which isnt always. I tried a couple times to ask for different meds, or higher doses, but im having trouble standing up for myself sometimes. She was always better at that than i was.

When puberty started it was obviously a bad time for both of us. I remember we started growing a thin mustache and it made her cry. Trying ever to be helpful, i got the bright idea to try to use duct tape to remove the hairs. Thankfully our face was too greasy for that to work... She eventually mustered up the courage to go ask our dad for a razor. But she never liked the stubble it left. She taught me all the things about us that would never be good enough. All the things that would cause her pain. Its how i know what im supposed to be fixing today. I started laser hair removal a few months ago. It looks better now a little, i think...

When she made her decision to wither and die, i put on a brave face for the world because I didnt want anyone to hurt her. I was always good at my job. I never dropped the ball in school, even when shed cry us to sleep almost every night (or sometimes mid afternoon). I wonder, if i had maybe done a little less good a job, if someone would have taken notice that she was hurting. Someone would have cared. I was protecting her and she was alone.

I shouldnt be so hard on myself. Its not like i really knew what she was going through. She never told me about her decision. I just knew I had to take over more and more of the responsibility running the place when she could not. One day i woke up and realized i hadnt seen her in a while. I didnt look too hard. At the time it felt liberating. To not feel so deeply. Obviously, over time ive come more to terms with what ive lost. Its hard living without your soul.

When i was in college, long after she had left me, i attempted suicide. Kinda sorta. I told myself that id just figure out how to hang myself so id know how to do it if i ever needed to. The kind of lie you tell yourself to get started on something youve been procrastinating. Ill just sit down and write the first paragraph of this essay. Then once youre sitting there, and the essay feels inevitable. Why stop now. Just write the whole damn thing. Except in this case i think part of it wasnt a lie. My heart wasnt really in it. This whole suicide thing. When we were younger and she wanted to choose death. I was the one who couldnt pull the trigger (so to speak). Maybe i wanted to be prepared in case she ever came back and decided she wanted to die again, id have the bravery and the knowledge to make it happen for her. Wed go out together. She wouldnt leave me alone again.

I think about her coming back a lot. I only need to fix all the things that killed her and then one day ill turn around and see her there again, full of love. "Ive been back for a while now dear, how didnt you notice? Well, you must just have been so busy running the place while I was away. I like what youve done with it. Im so proud of you..." is what she might say to me. Its one of those daydreams you file under the same category as "winning the lottery", "what if i discovered something really cool and important", or "what if i had a boyfriend who loved me".

On my bad days im convinced that ill just have to live the rest of my life with a piece missing. We spent so much time together, I know that she truly died, she isnt just in hiding. They say when we die we live on in the hearts of our loved ones. I did love her, i think. Shed know better. Ive been crying a lot more lately. That was always like... her favorite thing. Im learning to like it too

[formula-fun]

my love. today I read your venom au finally (idk why I was putting it off, probs bc I wanted to enjoy as much of it as possible before I go into venom!max brain rot). RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ABSOLUTELY AMAZING FIC!!!!!!! DETHRONED YOUR OWN ABO FIC FROM MY LIST OF ALL TIME FAVESSSSSSSSS

in all seriousness tho, I loved it so much, max is so silly there:] he's just a big goopy lad who's obsessed with his human and I have to respect it (me too, mate, me too).

now my love, I have a question that burns me which I'm afraid I have to ask: how upset is max that he can't get his human pregnant? and does he make his indignation with charles' biology known? alternatively: mpreg? 🤲🏻? venom style mpreg? 🤲🏻🤲🏻? for me? 🤲🏻🤲🏻🤲🏻? lestappen with a lil goop baby that wrecks havoc and who lives in charles' pockets? 🤲🏻🤲🏻🤲🏻🤲🏻?

thank u for the fic mwah mwah kissing you loving you all that shabam

my LOVE! thank you sm i'm glad you liked it!! <3333 dethroning if i had words is CRAZY my evil little goo fic has come so far hashasahsah no i have so much fun writing them being silly and bullying each other in charles' brain, it's a good time!!

and im gonna write under the cut because i love this question, i have many many many thoughts. this is also gonna show how little regard i have for the source material unfortunately. but im having FUN

so i wrote a snippet a little while ago abt max's reproductive cycle because apparently this au wasnt weird enough, and basically long story short HE can get pregnant and has in the past, but symbiote babies are very vicious and hungry and their first act in life is usually either to eat their parent or be eaten. so max's parenting instincts are pretty nonexistent. they also reproduce asexually, so his mating instincts are similarly nonexistent. sort of. for a while

max is in love with everything about earth though. he loves that so many creatures instinctively care for the young of even other species, he loves that reproduction is a decision between two parties, he loves that humans devote so much of themselves to raising their young. he finds it all kind of sweet, but the weight of it didnt really click until charles found out max could have babies but was disappointed to learn they couldnt raise them and love them like humans do. its like he hadnt really considered that could even be possible for them, but once he learns there might be a way he goes all warm and soft and max is like ??

cause then max realizes all at once, like. he wants to make something with me. he wants to do the things that humans do when they raise their young, he wants to be with me forever and ever, he wants me because his oldest most ancient instinct thinks i would make a good mate and i would take good care of his babies. he wants to have sex because it feels good and he wants it to be me because he loves me, but maybe also he wants it to be me because he wants me to help him make something thats a little bit of both of us?? and welcome 2 earth alien blob max w a breeding kink

and i dont know, i would like to say they find a way around the problem eventually. maybe there's some way it works out? maybe it's some sort of nature vs nurture situation where max's babies end up being super chill because they were raised in a loving environment, or maybe symbiotes arent driven by a base urge to consume, it's just a product of their hive mind which has been silent since the civil war started. maybe any babies max has end up taking on a lot of charles' characteristics simply because charles was hosting him when they were created. it's possible they find a way around it and get a lil goo ball to call their own. maybe max almost does eat it until he feels how anguished charles is abt it, and then he looks down and registers that their baby is the same soft pink as charles' palms and eyelids and the tips of his ears, and all at once he just can't do it

but yeah definitely a lot of room here for exploration and discovery to say the least dfjskfjsdf

[oxtoxtoxto]

i think i had an epiphany about pokemon black and white.

i think it was released about 5 or 6 years too early. what do i mean by that? BW came out in 2010, around a decade ago, and im going to assume it probably started full development not that long after HGSS finished up development, which would have been somewhere in 2009.

2009 was definitely a complex time, especially in Japan, but it was a *very different* time to now.

See, I think team plasma would have had a much more smooth narrative if they had incorporated the idea of *misappropriating progressive language*, and otherwise misusing certain terminology to the point of rendering it completely meaningless in its prior context.

we know the language bigots use to talk about minority groups nowadays, right? how there's pieces of language that used to serve a *very specific purpose* to refer to a *very specific kind of act* (such as grooming, a term which is now just thrown at the LGBT community whenever a bigot feels they need to drum up hate) which have now been sandblasted down into just another sneer to spit at people they hate?

and how by doing this they've tainted the usefulness *of those terms* to the point where it's genuinely impacting people's ability to report on certain things?

this was not as close of a topical issue in 2010 as it is today, where language is increasingly being weaponized due to the availability and reliance on social media our society has increasingly found itself with. this is why i think in a better world, pokemon bw would have come out in 2015, maybe even *later*, when this shit not only really began to develop into the cancerous issue it is now, but also when people began to actively speak out about it in a way that was wide-reaching.

think about a reframing here. at its core, team plasma is a pokemon welfare organization being used as a front as an elaborate way to dismantle any potential threats ghetsis might have to succeeding in a coup. ideally, this means trainers are pressured into releasing their pokemon and the ones who aren't have theirs *taken by force*, causing immense trauma to both pokemon *and* person, thereby necessarily weakening them in the process.

so, lets approach it as it might be done today. the first thing you do is you start widening the meaning of *abuse* and applying it in situations where it absolutely isn't the case, just to *force* people to legitimize a conversation that, say, owning a house pet might qualify as pokemon abuse.

you muddy the meaning of abuse until you have caused schisms in local culture. you rely on what examples of abuse you can find--neglect, power-hungry trainers who do view their pokemon mostly as instruments to increment ever-higher in ranking, but you do not turn you ire, *specifically*, on them. you turn that blame on your real targets: everyone else.

and all the while, what *abuse* or *neglect* or *mistreatment* even means when it comes to pokemon is muddled. people start reporting people for what they perceive *as* abuse even when it's not, and wasting the time of the organizations designed to look after this kind of thing, while also making anyone who reported things and got a "this wasnt abuse" feel validated that, yes, *everyone is in on it*.

with of course the occasional group of aggro anti-trainers reporting in such large numbers that the legal bodies involved have to investigate and maybe even separate pokemon and human because, well--look at all of these reports. there might be something going on.

and this snowballs. those who dont immediately bend to the pressure are targeted. they get picketed, they get people screaming at them. they have their organization decried as "abuse enablers" and with the way social media flattens nuance and these people already making sure to leave out all of the important details, many of these figures become hated by people who have been caught up in a cultural hate furor towards someone who has really been the one looking after these issues. people who are good, but are now demonized by a very vocal and aggressive group.

and then, you twist the knife, because with the eradication of all meaning to terms like *abuse*, you also make it a lot easier for abusive trainers to get away with what they're doing so long as they just pay the correct kind of lip service. just look at ghetsis: he has a hydreigon that genuinely seems to fucking hate him, judging by its frustration. abuse doesnt actually *get reduced*, because the words have been muddled so much the kind of clues and hints that might help a pokemon abuser get caught and put away are lost in the endless froth of vitriol.

abusers dont get hurt by this so long as they know how to phrase it.

and when you add in that the people who would actually be handling cases of abuse and mistreatment being either demonized, bent to the will of an angry mob, or too terrified to speak out, real abuse goes untouched.

people, *figureheads* of the movement, become untouchable because they crusade for the campaign with the right combination of words that *surely* they're not using this as a smoke screen to cover for their own goals.

this, this right here? i think people have always been aware of how language can be shaped like this, but genuinely the last 5 to 8 years have been the absolute worst of it, and most obviously criticized. if BW came out during this period, and used this as a touchstone rather than the absolute stance it does, it could have been a much more nuanced and compelling narrative.

the point is, though, Pokemon BW could have come out in the late 2010s and probably had a much stronger real-life example to build on and work with. The conversations we are having today are eminently relatable to Team Plasma's goal, it's just *too early* to have that connection.

It also would have permitted some nuance within the narrative. As it stands right now, the Pokemon universe simply rejects the idea that mistreatment of Pokemon is a realistic idea in the first place. Even among some of the darkest, and arguably the most likely teams to abuse their Pokemon (Galactic and Rocket) mainly view their Pokemon as integral sources of power that they must nourish and improve for their own benefit. It's not a purely benevolent reason, no, but Cyrus has a Crowbat (only evolves with high friendship) and while some of it is anime apocrypha, virtually *nothing* implies that Giovanni mistreated his Pokemon, and that Team Rocket mainly mistreated Pokemon via stealing them in the first place or by attempting get rich quick schemes (slowpoke tails).

In other words, the only group that has been shown to actively and aggressively *abuse pokemon* is team plasma itself, where in one of their first appearances two grunts, claiming to want to protect Pokemon, repeatedly kick a fucking Munna not ten feet away from you.

These would be the leaders, the problems, the actual criminals stringing the others along who have been caught up in the momentum of finally having someone to just *hate*.

This would let the story also progress as you work your way up from the grunts (who may fall anywhere on the scale between shitheel or ideological warrior consumed by the movement) to the admins (who are all eerily powerful, well-connected, and giving away hints that their Pokemon are mistreated, its just that they have the language and reputation to avoid scrutiny) and finally to Ghetsis, who is the embodiment of these leaders in the worst way possible. Part of the story, then, would be figuring out where N falls, if what he's saying is just lip service or the truth, and it would make his struggle to reconcile the world Ghetsis has painted for him (one of casual Pokemon cruelty and Pokemon forced into subservient roles to do as humans wish) against the one he faces (one where Pokemon and humans work together--not always perfectly, but with a lot of care) and the slowly dawning realization that everything he's been told is a projection of how Ghetsis and his admins actually feel about Pokemon a lot more meaningful.

You could even include hints. Admins putting their Pokemon away whenever N is around, almost in a panic because if N got a single chance to speak to any of their Pokemon, the entire plot would go up in smoke.

N not knowing about certain operations or being intentionally redirected to you to keep him occupied as Ghetsis and his admins are finally allowed to throw their weight around.

By making it much more reflective of trends we know about today, you could get a fair bit more intense narrative about deceit and the real fucked up consequences of this kind of thing.

[onthegreatsea]

fuck i cant stop crying and its not even bad crying. i think? well like. 80 percent good. probably. im like so confused. 19 years ago my nephew was forcibly taken from us and put into the foster system. he recently got back in touch? im not even in contact with most of my family, i only found this out today. i havent spoken to my younger sister in months and she told me like two hours ago and i still cant stop crying. we always wanted him to know it wasnt willing and that yknow he could have a place here if he wanted but i never. i never thought? i mean. its been so long. i've carried a picture of him as a baby in my wallet ever since he was taken and i never. i.. i just always hoped he was okay and happy, yknow? and it turns out he has not had the best life and he's cut off ties with his adoptive family but like. idk i. saw a picture of him? its insane hes like. old? hes 19 years old!? hes practically an adult now? but he looked so happy with his bio-mum and that is a whole can of worms because we dont talk but hes just looks so damn happy. he's an artist and autistic too! and he plays piano and he sings and he has hair just like his mum and me and my mum. its so weird. im so. i cannot articulate how surreal everything feels right now and i just cant stop crying and it keeps reminding me about my niece who died. his sister. and my head is exploding from emotions. its imploding. i've carried pictures of them in my wallet for almost 20 years now and. i dont know what im feeling. but its a lot

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Ritchie Herron

Published: May 23, 2024

Today is a day I can't really ignore, because whether I want to mark it or not, my body reminds me regardless.

Six years ago, conflicted, but optimistic, i thought I was doing the right thing getting 'Sex Reassignment surgery'.

A Long Story 🧵

I transitioned as an adult, I was 26. Me and my fully developed big brain thought this would be a good idea.

I had severe OCD and a myriad of mental health problems. I mean even then I be head tiltin'...This was me at age 25, pure giga chad

Soon as i found out transition was an option, I went in full force, like a bat out of hell!

I had become obsessed with the idea that my body was being poisoned by testosterone, that every masculine trait needed to be annihilated, for i was a true and honest woman after all. 

As a child, I was soft, loving, quite literal and I loved to sing, dance and dress up, but i also loved my diggers!

Me at age 10 before I went to sing karaoke with my friends family. You cant see it but my friends shoulder is on the right, he was a year younger too! I was tiny!

When I came out to my family, in isolation they all asked the same question when I told them I had something to tell them: "You're gay, aren't you?"

"No! I'm a real transsexual!" I said. Convinced I was the truest of the true. Genuinely born in the wrong body and all that noise. 

It was 2013 and I had found a supportive online community that helped me get on the right path to transition.

Facing a 15 month wait for the gender clinic. I found out I could start the blocker (And stop the 'poison'!) if i had two private diagnosis of transsexualism. 

So off I fucked to Scotland for a private diagnosis, as i waited to be enrolled for the gender clinic.

I was on a low income so I did the only thing i could, and got a payday loan. "Fuck debt, its this or death!" I reasoned.

Two days later I got the full diagnosis for £500. 

It took until April 2014 for the Gender Clinic to agree to give me the Goserelin Zoladex implant (testosterone blocker).

When I got it, I was so happy the poison was about to stop. At first, I looked a right state. I did the opposite of blend in. 

By January 2015, I was finally enrolled into the gender clinic and after a while, the blockers were showing some effect. Though, I wasn't committing to it at all.

I found myself desisting from the idea of estrogen/transition all together and just thought I'd live as just some androgynous looking guy.

It all changed when i went to the gender clinic. The very first question I got asked by the psychiatrist was: "have you given any thought to gender reassignment surgery?"

I said honestly, I wasn't sure, I dont think i ever had that type of dysphoria, besides i really want to see the therapist. 

They agreed to refer me to a gender therapist in March 2015. In total I would end up have 97 gender therapy sessions with them.

Gender therapy is not like normal therapy. It helped defeat my doubt, and also helped me defeat others who were doubtful. 

In July 2015, the Psychiatrist asked if i had given any further thought to the surgery.

I said I wasn't sure, and i'd like to find out more. Thats when i realised NONE of them had any technical knowledge about the surgery, what it does, etc. It suprised me. 

I got refered back to the place in Scotland, since I already went there for the pre-diagnosis.

I took my mother, she wasnt convinced.

The therapist told her, infront of her grown ass 28 year old son, if she didnt affirm, he'd kms. 

She told me the surgery would make myself feel better, and that regret was extremely low (I was worried about regretted it) and bleeding.

I have a huge fear of bleeding, I'm a wuss! yes... 

Once the surgery referal came through in late 2015, i panicked! Too quick i said!

"It'll be there for when your ready." The psychatrist said.

But all I really wanted was therapy. 

I said no several more times, I forgot exactly how many times they asked, but it was constant.

By 2016 early 2017, life was still chaos, but blending in felt easier, I wasn't getting noticed really and most people gendered me as a woman.

I was happy enough as I was, but back at the gender clinic in 2017 I was delivered an ultimatum. Accept surgery referral or get discharged.

That would also mean an end to the therapy, and it was keeping me stable.

I bit the bullet and said no once more. 

My gender therapist, also somewhat co-dependant on me as a client for now 60 odd sessions, didnt want to let me go either. He reasoned that i did have dysphoria and surgery was probably the best option.

So i called the psychiatrist back and asked to be refered back for surgery. 

I've went over it in my head 1000's of times.

Why did I go along with it? Why didn't just stop it?

It just felt like a ride i couldnt get off, and it got faster and faster.

Everyone was routing for me. 

Day of surgery, may 23rd 2018.

After staying an extra 3 hours in theatre, i finally woke up around this time. 4:00pm ish.

I was still bleeding and had lost nearly 2000ml from the surgery and drains.

A friend helped snap this.

I apologise for the haram photo, but this is what the area looked like a few weeks after.

I had Lichen Scoloris, which was ignored and is now inside the hole and around the entrance. I had a constricted urethra and both my scar lines on both sides split open, which would get infected.

I won't share anymore, but i have a lot of photos that are far more grim.

It's what happened I really can't show you.

The depression, the pain, the insane pain oh my god. Not being able to pee, to feel anything.

Feeling betrayed 

SO I GO BACK TO MY GENDER THERAPIST THREE MONTHS LATER....and i say "Hey, I think i made a mistake, i think i regret this."

"No you dont." He said.

I went back every other week and told him, i regret it. He said no. 

One year of this back and forth. I was refered to a psychiatric team, that said i didnt have regret, I had Unstable Personality Disorder and severe Obsessive compulsive Disorder.

And then I was discharged in January 2020.

It was the worst time in my life, those years. I was very angry at myself, and everyone I talked to reassured me that I didnt have regret and if i did, it was my fault anyway.

But I resisted...And in 2022 I spoke out after desisting 

I'm 37 as of Saturday... and I'm facing life ahead of me as a castrated male. It's not easy territory, but if i want one thing to come out of this, it's to give others a chance, a warning about surgery.

But i wont stop anyone. Just don't try and stop me.

If you would like to support my work, please consider liking/retweeting. I do it for free but will happily accept tips for sausage rolls.

Also consider checking out my substack where i write a lot of shit and youtube where i talk even more shit t.co/tQSunLfhVk tullipr.substack.com

I really needed to get that off my chest so thanks for reading. It's appreciated

[nathank77]

7/9/25

3:52 p.m Edited

3:29 p.m I walked another 7.5 miles since I last posted. As pictured below. I'm averaging 10 miles on a bad week and 12.5 on a good week.

-At this point, I've hit the 31 miles and been able to photograph them all.

I dont have much to talk about tbh. I cannot find a gf or a bf no matter how hard i try. I've tried everything at this point. I actually gave up a long time ago. I swipe almost everyday but i know its pointless and a source of my depression but if I dont swipe what am I even doing to try to find a gf?? That's the fucked part. Swiping makes me extremely depressed.... but doing nothing means I'm not even trying and I cant expect someone to spawn into my life.

Ive also realized although I identify as bi, I only like transmen and cis women. I've noticed i dont really like men. I mean the right guy I'd give a chance. He would have to be handsome and not have a mustache or any sandpaper rubbing against my face when I kiss him. Basically a chin strap or it ain't happening. Its not bc i have a chin strap... its bc I dont like rug burn from kissing.

I do find transmen attractive but I'd be the facial hair police and no transguy wants to hinder his facial hair, we all so desperately want to grow out a full beard (it would never work and I'd never tell my transman bf to keep his beard a certian way) lucky for me my only ex boyfriend jon couldn't grow anything more than a chin strap so rug burn from kissing wasnt a problem.

Nonetheless even the cutest guy. A Jake gyllenhaal knock off, with ideal facial hair would not make me happy. I mean maybe... but tbh he would really have to be someone special.

Bc I prefer women. I prefer, their emotional energy and their hair running against my body when they kiss down my chest, not that that will ever happen again for me... but I prefer women. Its like 95% for women and 5% for transguys and thats not to say a transguy couldn't make me happy.... he could

And that's not to say I'm not considering transmen I am. My grind for a bf or a gf is equal and consistent. Nonetheless I dont think I'll ever find either.

Its horribly depressing.

My passenger side window opens all of a sudden, my girl loves me. Nonetheless its disgustingly hot anyways and hardly makes a difference...... but the likelihood ill die of heat stroke went down a little at least.

It saved me money bc I never had the money in the first place but as long as it keeps working, I can make it through the summer and consider my options. By next summer If I dont commit suicide, I'll have my driver side window working. Prob not my ac...

Tbh I wish I could work on it. I'm considering it. My passenger side window coming down bought me some time. I doubt ill be able to do it... but im strongly considering it. One fall day. If I can find the part, I know I can remove the door panel... but the way you attach the motor and regulator seems very difficult bc its like behind a unremovable metal panel........... and of course it could be a wire... I'd have to chase the wire....

I honestly wish someone would teach me how to be a mechanic. The window is the perfect beginner job bc you dont need a jack.... id just have to find the part cheap and do it...I dont want to spend hundreds... considering my passenger side goes all the way down and today I was almost dead by the time I got home...

I got some of my independence back... but I will die all summer anyways.

Today I did a static dead hang and a bent arm dead hang. And I attempted chin ups. I tried my hardest. I got a long way to go.

Honestly I'm miserable I wake up and live the same day over and over again. I'm so incredibly lonely. It feels pointless.

Here are my miles. And i am proud of my poor chin ups.... and my dead hang.

Also I can wear a shirt i haven't been able to wear since I was 150 pounds.... my belly shows more than I want it to... but I'm more confident. And I know i look good.

Too bad no one wants to date me.

[fraener]

1/27/25

ive been thinking it was the 27th for so many days in a row this week...not sure why. i fell a little ill the last few days, stomach trouble and that strange anxiety and bad taste in the back of the throat the roughens the edges of everything when there's a virus present in the body. duncan died a few days ago. i laid with p, s won't talk to me. i wrote a joyous recounting of it in here a few days ago but didnt save it before my computer shut down and so enough time has passed for me to be too afraid of the joy we shared enough to record it. what a sad thing to write. its been bright, the ice never leaves the shadows and each morning everything is blanketed in a fine blue frost. i didnt want to have my heart broken right now. im not sure p knows how to close a door once its been opened. i think he might be a little in love with me, a melancholy thing. how i wish i could reciprocate. how i wish we could go on and face the world together, that he wasnt leaving, that i could hold him. he kept saying the cat was already out of the bag. he feels strong in his desire, optimistic in his declaration. ive been withholding, i know. i dont want to fight to matter outside of his love for me. i dont want to fight to be considered as an individual. im supposed to see him today, i can tell he wants comfort. i am deciding whether i want to see him today more than i want to avoid seeing him today. i think i will cry either way. i dont think i can just take a nap and wake up into a day i can handle today, because i dont think ill really feel better about tomorrow, either. im tired of my body being treated as a dirty thing that taints and becomes tainted. i dont know what to do. i dont like being asked to choose, i dont like being treated like i dont have any influence, either. im so sad about duncan. i just sort of want to be left alone today. mostly because i dont think anyone could take care of me through this. i want to be given the consideration they give one another, but i am being pushed to the side like im a nuisance. im "just one more thing to deal with" according to s. theres no way to have my influence felt i dont think, all i can do is say how i feel to p, maybe text s later and tell her that im really hurt by being brushed off. i dont think i will say anything to her because she already said she didnt want to talk to me and i dont want to beg for something she doesnt want to offer. i wont be made to beg.

moments after this earlier entry, he broke things off with me. i realized in that conversation i wouldnt just be satisfied with what he could offer anyways, i would always want more than what he could give me if he continues to live the way he does. ive never known what its like really to have a companion like s is to him, i have f and thats close enough to understand on some level. but we have always gone from one another and come back in comfort and trust. eating p was like eating candied violets with my hands from a wooden bowl at c.b's table in the dim light of candlefire and dusk. can i remember that well enough for my heart to stop breaking? i felt the shift of all my little shadows reaching for him at once- no longer hands outstretched to r...can i forgive that i was shown something so beautiful and delicious and pristine and without fault and then only later be shown id likely never see it again? i can candy violets, i cannot find a replacement for what he did to my body and soul. i found a new trail at the back of the yogurt bones field and all i could think was how i wanted to bring him there, but i doubt well ever go at the time of year i pictured. ive been waiting what feels like my whole life thus far for june. will it come? its there every time i close my eyes. he loved when i told him that, that every moment i turned away i was sure it was june behind my back. i want to know what joy that june really contains. a long road to anew and unknowable. washed clean by another wave of slander and scrutiny....wonder how few friends ill have at the other end of this one lol. scorned whore yet again its like an award i cant stop winning

i want to record that all the cards ive drawn about him today indicated a great threat coming in the form of a seduction, something i want desperately that will ruin everything for me if i pursue it and leave me with nothing. i feel like this warning is coming too late but i fear for whats to come. the cards have also said i will be betrayed, slandered, and used...and a period of solitude is going to ensue. all the signs are kind of pointing to stay the fuck away from these people but its so hard to say no to something you want so so badly. i know that he cant actually give me what im looking for and i dont feel like i want to just be used right now for the betterment of his relationship with someone else. i want to trust him so badly. i want to so badly i dont know if i can stop myself from just falling for it all over again. because i would ruin everything for him, in this moment, knowing what i know. all he would have to do is say the word and i would go with him nearly anywhere. and he never will, and if he does it will be false, and i have to put it out of my mind and know that it will never, ever happen again. hope to be putting it behind me like it never did.

[historixally-accurate]

hee hoo its late at night but im still awake so im repsonding teehee. youre probably gonna see this during breakfast, so. good morning! ohaiyo早安 selamat pagi <3

YOURE A NATURAL ENGLISH A1er?!?!?!? god damn but also lowkey me too LOL. i dont remember much from when i was still wriitng narrative/discursive essays, but i found it easier than others for the most part. holy yap. ill gladly listen to you yap too its only an equivalent exchange...we're both a bit insane for men halfway across the world who love to go fast in a video game.

your primary school sounds like a nightmare. goddamn. i guess my prisch was also pretty pressurising, but from the sounds of yours, suddenyl i think it wasnt that bad after all... psle huh, crazy times. seems so long ago help now i feel old. i hope youre gonna be okay in your current school :,) the sg school system really doesnt let up, but its really, really important to know that youre never alone!

thanks for the compliment about marker mediums, though i dont think its actually that bad unless you have markers that are seriously in need of rescucitation. like on their last legs. unfortunately i cant send a picture of that kazuha because going anon removes the image sending feature, so maybe someday in the future. once i work up the courage to actually talk to you under my handle >_>

OH WOW you really have a hbg themed phone thats so cool u_u i agree with your family, thats swag as hell. the slingshot feinberg quote sent me for absolutely no reason, im shaking w laughter rn and frantically trying to suppress it so i dont wake my family. send help😭😭 and youre so real for the daily usage of the word "mongey". its only NOT invaded my daily speech because im purposely avoiding thinking about it...if i bury myself in doing sports surely the bigbigmongey brainrot wont get me smile (no this isnt copium wdym) this is ignoring the fact that without thinking i keep saying "what the sigma" and "what the skibidi" unironically btw. both my friends and i know im cooked as fuck

i actually did NOT know there was an upcoming BAC stream. im like a fake ahh fan... ill do my best to be there but uh. my duties arent over, despite it being the hols. this sucks :^(

mad respect to you, actually playing the game you watch. my lazy ass would NOT get off my ass enough to do this ever smh. im sure getting knocked off by a piglin is a pain every speedrunner can relate to . same goes from hitting the cope. except for me, if that shit ever happens im skipping the cope and striaght up hitting the bong. for SG legal reasons this is a JOKE! MOH please dont find me

hey you take lit too ? aura level just went up dawg. youve just caught a fat lit lover right here. im a guilty guilty poetry lover. sorry i just love both poetry and prose it makes me go WidePeepoHappy

lowkey though if you ever decide to take a HBG members legs may i suggest mr lewis fulham ive heard him being desrcibed as a birch tree so that means hes tall right. ill even aid and abet! im sure he wouldnt miss a few cm

bro did NOT just do the clash royale laugh at me😒😒my friends keep telling me im firmly chaotic evil. like damn where is the democracy bros didnt even give me a chance to squeak out a fart before straight up attacking my reputation😟 they my opps frfr

i get it when you say you get pressed cause whenever things dont go as theyre supposed to i inwardly get more and more tilted LMAOOO dw ur not the only one.

i would loooove to watch hbg do more sports related content because i find it hilarious that the one time at twitchcon (?) during poundy's football match there were SO MANY INJURIES... tf you mean couri broke his mf elbow in a sport supposedly restricted to legs. as a sportsperson i really do love playing sports wahaha <3

i cant tell if youre serious about liking amath but damn if you like amath thats really good smile :) much more formula based but overall more predictable.

question for today... what made you decide talkingmime was your favourite hbg member? kinda curious and wanted to give you a reason to yap more about him . feel free to type out a response the lnegth of the mekong river, i promise ill read it i love to read (maybe that why im such a good lurker LMAO). personally im still undecided on who my favouirte member is, but since ive talked so much about mr condiment cringe man 21custard i guess ill just say i like him cause of his goofy ahh humour and memes. im just a sucker for people with good vibes/dryass humour/an entire arsenal of your mom jokes. dont ask about tgat last one. im currently trying to know tekniik better and im falling victim to more deez nuts and your mom jokes than ive ever experienced before. i love it btw

holy yap i think ive talked too much.....never trust anything you say after 9pm....i think they were right the demons got to me. namely my unhealthy terminal obession with fart jokes. same to you, hope you have a beautiful mongey pyun pyun morning <3 always happy to give you an essay response. arigato for readin ;)

-sgmcsr anon

hi anon!!! sorry for the late response, I just got sick and I WAS SLEEPING FOR HALF THE DAY TODAY. let's get cracking

about my amazing spectacular skibidi English, yes! natural English a1-er ^_^ well actually it was only up till like eoys where I got my first DEVASTATING B3, but apart from that, I've been doin good for English. call me. idk Shakespeare. idk. ALSO SHARING OF YAP.. whenever you gain the courage to ask on main, I'll gladly yap with you... I'm online literally 24/7 now that I've got nothing to do with my life, so it'll be nice to speak with someone in the same timezone and who has the same interests that I do.

about my primary school, yeah it was a little bit of a nightmare academically. coming to think of it, because of all I experienced, it doesn't seem that bad because I experienced it. but on paper it's terrible. wow. anyway, not to be trauma dumpy or unskibidi ^_^ struggling to make friends in my current school, and MOE's school system is unrelentless as always, but ball it we fuck, I am okay.

about marker mediums.. I see... that's really cool.. yeah, all my markers are like. dried up and I haven't bothered to go buy new ones or ask for new ones </3 I'd love to see the weed smoking kazuha one day... very excited

about my skibidi HBG wallpaper. I feel like my layout is hella cramped, but its what I have to work with because. I don't know how to organise my phone. maybe I'll sit down one day and figure out how to make it cooler </3 also, very mongeyful, very beautiful. I am filled with mongey joy. ome

not sure if it's obvious, but fein has also cultivated my usage of the word 'skibidi' specifically?? it's very obvious because I say it every 5 seconds :') and because of one specific mime clip, fulham has influenced me to say the word 'peculiar' very very often 😭😭😭 like instead of calling someone weird, I'll say 'dude! you're soooo peculiar.' yeah, I'm a little normal!

bout the upcoming BAC stream, yeahhh I don't blame you... mime released that fact like. a couple streams ago, and even then nobody knew he was live except for like. 20 people? so i dont think it's just you who doesn't know, dw! I'm just caught in the loop :3 besides, it's on either November 22nd or 23rd, and it'll take at least 24 hours, so don't worry about not catching it for at least a little ^_^

about my. haha. very terrible learning of how to speedrun. despite getting all the help I could ever want to speedrun, I'm still absolutely terrible at it, and I can never find the motivation to do so </3 I'd love to be better and gain more confidence or motivation.. I just don't know how to do that. also, fuck hoglins, suck it pigs >:(

ALSO. FUCKING FART JOKES?? I'm drawing the line...anon... you are behind bars now........ STAY AWAY!!!!! (/j please stay they're funny) as someone who's purely true neutral, I have no comment and will nod my head, saying 'normal ass Tuesday in singapore'

about which HBG members people.. fuck it you get the point I'm tired of this format. yeah! Singaporeans and their short fuses, it is so normal and I am no exception </3 it's awesome tho, I can keep boundaries as someone who says yes too much 😎 hell eyah

HBG FOOTBALL. couriway breaking his arm, silver r runs spraining his ankle and tapl harvey also. straining his ankle iirc??? that shit was so chaotic. IF YOU WANT HBG PLAYING LIKE. FOOTBALL. THE MINECRAFT KIND. here's a feinbergfunny/feinberg rocks video. enjoy.

I haven't done too much amath, but. ohhh it's so. clear cut?? it's very inchresting. I think it's not terrible so far... but I can't say for myself </3 must keep grinding forward and see

GOLDS DAILY DOUBLE.. why is mime my favourite HBG member.. and how did I come to that conclusion... man, it's been like 2 months.. I think it's cuz i watched the silverrrunsfunny video about HoN? and it's a lot of mime n silverr clips... the 5 minutes that they were trapped doing parkour in a cubby hole tryna get the last easter egg made me extremely intrigued like.. who is this MIME GUY... he's so peculiar... and then I finish the video, and see talkingmimefunny recommended!! I watched all his videos. and I got hooked. SO FAST. ended up finding people who also like him, and found out he did BAC, and. the rest is history. or historix. haha. Hahaha. I like mime because of how smart and organised he is, I also like how he take initiative in a lot of events that he's participating in together with friends. I also like people who are snarky and have a very interesting voice but you didn't hear this from me. at all. aaanyway, apart from mime, I also really like nEmerald and fein? I like emerald because he reminds me of lifesteal cc mapic, which drew my attention to him. he's also really silly. and I'm a sucker for people who have green as their colour pallete. feinberg.. he's just. silly. and he's feinberg man I don't know what else to say bout that 🤷

Holy yap. happy 11pm! NEVER UTTER THE WORDS 'HAVE A BEAUTIFUL MONGEY PYUN PYUN MORNING' EVER AGAIN. I CRIED. SO HARD. it's fucking hilarious. I'll start using that with my friends. anyway, as always, have a skibidi-tastic, mega ultra kawaii, animefied morning if you see this, and an alpha, rizz master night if you're seeing this at night and you stay up.

here's your daily mime doodle :)

[bridgyrose]

“Long ago, the world was plunged into darkness and demons known as grimm nearly hunted humanity into extinction. Cities were snuffed out while huntsmen struggled to keep the grimm at bay. And when humanity had nearly been extinguished, Penny, the patron saint of humanity, appeared and pushed back the grimm. She found allies to help her, ones that she trusted and could help her with her goal. Until one of them became a demon of her own. A huntress with silver eyes betrayed her and attacked Penny, nearly killing her in the process. After a long battle, the silver eyed demon was thrown into an abyss.” Weiss sighed and closed the book she had held. “That’s all I could find about why you were hunted.” 

Ruby rolled her eyes and finished getting contacts in to hide the silver in her eyes. “That’s not how it went. Cinder killed her, not me.” 

“But that’s not how the story tells it,” Yang said as she put a hand on Ruby’s shoulder. “And if that’s how everyone here sees it, then we’ll have to live with it.” 

“I dont want to live with it! I want to find out why we’re here!” 

“And we will,” Blake said. “That said, the only way we can do that is if we get out there and really see what’s going on. And if you’re getting hunted any time you’re seen-” 

“I know I know, its either this or stay hidden until we can get something.” Ruby took another long look at herself in the mirror, almost not recognizing her own reflection as violet eyes stared back at her. “Still, I just wish we had something to go off of. Grimm arent a problem, and besides bandits, it doesnt seem like there’s a lot of problems. At least, nothing that we’d need to get involved with.” 

Weiss nodded and put the book back onto the desk. “I think our best bet is to start with the festival that’s being held today. Looks like they’re doing something in Penny’s honor.” 

Yang paused for a moment. “A festival?” 

“They call it the Festival of Life. From what I was reading about it, its their way of celebrating the disappearance of the grimm.” 

Ruby smiled and put her cloak on as she practically jumped up. “Then we might as well go. We can find out the kind of food they have now and learn more about the laws-” 

“And you cant have your cloak,” Blake said. “We can find another one for you. Maybe one less red.” 

Ruby sighed a bit as she took her cloak off and held it in front of her. “I cant just… not wear it. Its my signature look.” 

“Which is why you cant wear it. You’ll stick out.” 

Yang nodded. “And from what you told us, it wouldnt surprise me if there’s already wanted posters for you too.” 

Ruby slowly nodded and folded up her cloak to put away, her fingers lingering a bit as she held the fabric. It wasnt something she’d gone without ever since she made it, and going without it now felt… strange. “I… I guess you’re right. I’ll figure something out then.” 

“Dont worry, we wont be too long. Besides, I’m sure there’ll be something for us to get while we’re there.” 

“*If we can actually get anything,*” Ruby thought to herself as she started to make her way out to the festival with her team. Though, she did have to admit she was excited to see whatever this festival wouldnt entail. Especially if this one was about Penny. 

A soft smile crossed her lips as she thought about Penny. While she wasnt sure how Penny would think of a festival being about her, she was sure she’d still enjoy the idea of it. People of the kingdom coming together to celebrate the woman she loved centuries after she’d lived… it wasnt anything she had thought would’ve been possible. Humanity had been so divided in her lifetime, and now seeing everyone come together like this was almost like a dream come true. Even if it came with having to hide herself. 

Though, once Ruby and her team arrived at the festival grounds, she paused when she saw a statue of Penny towering over the stalls. The statue itself was still kept in almost pristine condition, every detail intricately carved, almost as if Ruby had been looking at Penny herself. The swords of her floating array were arranged in a half-circle behind her and nearly looked like the sun itself with the way they reflected the light around them. Even the paint looked like it had been touched up with care and respect. 

“Are you going to be okay?” Yang asked. 

Ruby flinched as she felt Yang put a hand on her shoulder, eyes still lost in the green of Penny’s. “I didnt think I’d see something like this for her. Its like she’s watching over everyone, still protecting humanity like she’d want to.” 

“And you’re sure you’ll be fine?” Ruby nodded, her heart still hurting as she looked away from the statue of Penny and wiped a tear away from her eye. “I promise, I’ll be fine. We wont find why we’re here just standing around.” 

“If you’re sure.” 

Ruby started to walk again through the festival grounds and past the stalls that lined the roads. She kept her head down, but took note of everything that was being sold. The smells of sweets filled the air from food stalls, there were outfits that looked similar to Penny’s being sold along with replicas of other important items from humanity’s past, and other trinkets that seemed more religious than anything else. Everything seemed normal for a festival, until she started to listen to the conversations the citizens were having. 

“Think She will join us this year?” one faunus asked another. “With Atlas starting to build their army again-” 

“You shouldnt listen to those rumors,” the other interrupted. “Besides, She’ll protect us if anything happens. Like she did before.” 

Another citizen scoffed. “I wouldnt expect her to protect us again. The last time she showed up was a hundred years ago just before the bandit uprising. If she’s not around now, then there’s nothing to worry about.” 

“I dont think she will show,” a girl wearing a cloak said. “She is just a legend right? Maybe she never existed.” 

Ruby paused when she heard the girl speak with Penny’s voice, her heart stopping as she caught a glimpse of the girl’s face in a reflection. Green eyes, red hair, a face that looked like Penny’s… it was enough for her to shake as she reached for the girl’s shoulder. Her voice shook as she spoke. “P-Penny?” 

The girl turned around and paused as she stared at Ruby. “I-I think you have the wrong person, I need to go!” 

“Wait!” Ruby reached out to catch the girl’s hood as she started to run off. She looked back towards her team, and saw they were busy with the stalls. Without another thought, she ran after the girl, using her semblance to make her way through the crowds of people. “Wait, stop! I just want to talk to you!” 

The girl turned to look at Ruby once more before disappearing into the crowd. Ruby stopped as she watched a green streak rush off ahead of her, unable to keep up. She let out a soft sigh and started to make her way back to her team, still certain she’d seen Penny.

Prev

[rv-data]

W endy promotion collab Hybe

[EXCLUSIVE] Kmedia reports Red Velvet’s Wendy will feature in BTS Jin’s solo album. Wendy, as a featured artist, will support Jin’s solo album. Known for his fresh, boyish tone and soft voice, Jin is expected to create “exceptional synergy” with Wendy, who is renowned for her outstanding vocal ability and beautiful tone. All eyes are on the range Jin will showcase with this solo album. 3:44 PM · Oct 16, 2024 https://x.com/jinnieslamp/status/1846442163351310753

Wendy of Red Velvet will reportedly be featured on JIN’s upcoming debut solo album. 3:58 PM · Oct 16, 2024 'https://x.com/PopBase/status/1846445693227225283

🗨️ How did they even get that collaboration? I thought their companies had beef? | 🗨️ She has power that is beyond comprehension [56955]

The way I wouldnt even know about this if it wasnt mentioned here... But fr I thought SM and Hybe were at odds after all the acquisition issue. How the heck did this collab happen? I would understand if the collab was with someone like MB for example cause her and Jin used to be buddies but Weny and him are like the weirdest and most unexpected featuring I have ever seen in kpop. I hope wluvs and wakgaes stay humble cause if they dont armys will chew them up and spit them out without any remorse [56957]

🗨️ Watch them still complain when every opportunity was given to her in a silver platter [56964]

🗨️ Imagine getting every opportunity possible and still being a flop? Tv shows, theatre, DJ, GoT, 2 solo releases, collabs with bg members including digimons, osts, even international collabs and still so unpopular. That’s so embarrassing. There’s no way she doesn’t have something over SM because they are not throwing all the money they have already spent on her with no profit in return for nothing. [56972] | 🗨️ They’ll just pretend this is another thing that doesn’t exist like all those past activities and continue crying about how Sm is hindering her from becoming popular [56975]

🗨️ Now this is real SM princess treatment. A whole collaboration with an artist from a company they have beef with. Her fans will continue to be in denial and try and call other members SM princess when anyone that isn’t her fan can see it for what it is. [56995]

🗨️ hey have no idea who she is 😭 they think she’s joy

how does wendy sound? what do yall know about her? Winter 🌨️ | Only thing I know she sucks in acting I watched her in drama long ago 😭😭😭 4:29 PM · Oct 16, 2024 'https://x.com/BiVhoe/status/1846453363287736376 | 🗨️ Lmaaaoooo this has me laughing so hard. Wenuglies instead of spending all this time in here begging for acceptance you may want to use that time to educate people as to who your nugu bias is. All those gigs haven’t reached anyone outside your 10 fans. | 🗨️ Sos to the wenjoy stan because this person just hit two birds with one stone. Calling out joy unprovoked because they didn’t know who wendy was supposed to be [57013]

🗨️ None of her [Wendy's] so called "friends" went to support her musical.

She has no friends in the industry.

A random citizen couldn't recognize her face.

she's the last member people think about when Red Velvet is mentioned.

She's disliked internationally because of her racist controversy.

The only feeling she provokes in the general Korean public is pity because of the accident but they are not interested enough to support her.

She flops every collab she participates in.

She has the personality of a moldy bread.

Doesn't have enough charisma to attract people.

Dances like an unhinged Glee character in a psych ward.

Face looks like it will melt at any moment if she stays in the sun for too long. [57079]

🗨️ Poor Jin going to experience the Wendy effect where she drags down his engagements like she did with everyone she has ever collabed with [57077]

Yesterday the board was full of baetokkis and today you claim it is seulmates. Always others but never wakgaes right? Imagine stanning someone so nugu that people outside the fandom mistake her for someone else lmao. Must be because she is always changing that face. Can’t even celebrate her new chance at not flopping you have to check on the neighbors because you care more about what we say about her. [57035]

Seulgi is in their heads rent free. Not even the 100 jobs Wendy has every year can get her out of there. Poor Wendy. Doing all she can to work on her career just for her fans to be more obsessed with her business friend Seulgi. [57076]

Usually when fans have activities to look forward to their fans are busy rejoicing. What is with this mental ward escapee? [57139]

What’s the point of being booked and busy when your fans are in an anonymous board crying over another member’s exhibition 😂 [57140]

the bruno mars and lady gaga in question 9:34 PM · Oct 17, 2024 https://x.com/nuts4tan/status/1846892646502957312 https://archive.md/86LGg

'https://x.com/beeflyr/status/1847242629291106331

I honestly understand their manic episode. I’d develop some severe mental illness if I (and my bias) are not accepted anywhere I (she) go (goes). [57418]

[i-like-strawb]

vent

you have been warned

okay, i genuinely feel like such a shitty person because i cant keep in touch with my friends over long distance, like i will forget to anwer then 3 hours later i dont know what to say so i just respond with "ok" and it makes me feel so bad

and then theres also the fact that whenever me and my ex bf broke up it was getting toxic like REALLY toxic he has screamed at my best friend multiple times and he freaked out cuz i didnt answer my phone for 1 hour (i was at a birthday party and i was talking about it so he knew) and hes just done some shit to me and my friends that i didnt like,

but anyways we were still friends....(for like 2 days) and near the time we broke up he had discovered he liked fem clothes (a femboy, and no i dont have anything against them, you do you as long as ur not hurting anyone) and whenever we broke it off i wasnt really thinking right at the time and he sent me stuff i didnt want to see (like him in a skirt saying "first time going out today!1!1!") and i didnt want to see it

so. i told him i didnt care and a day later he said "thanks for letting me know we arent friends" and i blocked him, on EVERYTHING, capcut? blocked. pinterest? blocked. iMessages? blocked. and i feel like such a bad person for doing that...he didnt deserve it and i got discord and im in a server with him and now i feel like i want to throw up all over again but whenever i first left him i felt really happy...

i tried forcing myself into a idgaf personality but that backfired. big time and now that i dont have a boyfriend ive just been keeping all of my emotions in (i kinda was before but not as bad y'know?) and now i dont know what to do about it so i just stay up until 3am everyday on my computer to forget it all

and my parents arent quite strict but overbearing...my dad has a weird habit of picking at what i eat and it makes me feel really bad and they also expect me to be the "perfect daughter" when i have told them i am trans and that i am struggling (when i came out my dad said "i am not respecting you" to my face. ouch.) and whenever they found out abt my sh they, instead of looking into the problem, threatened to take everything from me

and they have always put the pressure on with school. i feel like i must be perfect or else i wont have freedom, and my dad is unnecissarily (?) loud, like ive asked him to tone it down and says "NOPE" every single time and it makes my head hurt (it also doesnt help that i have noise sensitivity issues) and he just denies everything and it hurts so much....

one day ill be able to get along with him just fine, the next day im looking at a pair of scissors a little too much because of him and i dont know what i can do anymore and my mom laughed in my face when i said i thought i was autistic and whenever i was at a really low point to suggest being put in a mental hospital

and what sucks is that i never realized most of my habits were weird until my ex pointed them out (ex: i have a really bad stutter). and ever since the moment i went to school im always in some kind of toxic relationship and i never realized that until a month ago

and with the staying up till 3? oh yeah real good. im tired and anxious 24/7 i feel like shit, and i dont want to say this to anybody because i dont want to bother them and i feel like they dont and wont care about it, just like some of my hyperfixations, like i will genuinely be excited about something and i tell it to someone and they couldnt give two fucks. again. ouch

and also i get yelled at because im very socially awkward and i cant really express some feelings outwardly, like i really love your present but i dont know how to express it so i need a minute to figure it out and then i get yelled at or the "you are so ungreatful" speech and nobody bothers to try and understand

and then there is how much i loathe myself, i hate that i was born like this, i hate how easy it is for me to get acne, i hate my nose and my mouth, my face shape, my body shape, my smile, my high voice, my femme looking features, i hate the fact i was born as a girl, i hate it all so much, the only thing i love is my hair color and eyes those are the only two pretty things about me

and i hate my personality so much too, i cant describe it but i hate myself a lot and the only comfort im able to get are my stuffies, the internet and a blanket fort where i can escape from everything and the terrible headaches i get, im so tired

i also have big anxiety issues, i overthink a lot even a "hi how are you" is too much for me like what if they find it weird, wait what if they dont like me, am i being too much and its a lot of thoughts to handle all at one time and i havent been able to regress lately (6 months) and that is the only way i really know how to cope

and what i mean by havent been able to is that i dont have a lot of stuff, ive been too tired to and i dont have a cg/somebody i think that actually cares enough and since im almost done with middle school im kinda scared, i dont know why but i am

bottom line, i feel like a shit person and that i have let everybody down, i desperately need sleep, and i have a shit ton of repressed feelings/emotions and they are all resurfacing and i cannot handle it, sorry for bothering you all and have a good day/night :)

[ghost-of-the-machine]

just saw a button that says "im not myself today. maybe im you" SHUT UP....... dont remind me!!! theres a specific shame in it that no one seems to grasp, which makes sense, when do i ever explain it?

it feels so. shameful, even though i know i cant help it, even if its just my natural tendency, its like. i want to RISE ABOVE my disorder, but.. i cant. its a personality disorder, it defines my personality. having back to back personality/dissociative disorders is so fucked up man i do not know who i am!!!! my only worth of myself comes from what other people tell me. am i sweet? am i kind? am i funny? at surface level i believe it, thats how i seem to others so it must be true... but beneath that i detest it, i feel rotten to my core. it feels disingenuous since its coming from others instead of within, so i feel like im hiding something. like theres some part of me thats so indescribably ugly and vile, and i cant let anyone i love see it. even when theyve already seen it, i hide it further, i pretend like its not real. i forget long conversations full of understanding and love, i embrace the fact that i need to hide this thing, this monster. there is no monster!! its just me, and that makes it worse.

isnt it horrifiying, though? i take the voices of others, take their mannerisms, sometimes i even take their skin, i shape myself in someone elses image. realistically i know why, mimicry keeps you safe from rejection, people are less likely to throw you away if you act like them. you are more likely to be accepted into a group if you mask and mirror. you pick up on their vocabulary, their personalities, and you display it back to them. but theres more to it than that, i spend too much time abusing myself over things i cant control, in the hopes that itll fix me. its not like i do it just to endear myself, i do it because i like it. is that worse, then? i like when i copy, i like the way people are!! i wanna be like the people i like, is that bad? i cant tell, i see it from both sides. it makes me feel dirty. i really dont know who i am

am i still the angry boy i was in middle school? that was me right? maybe it wasnt me, maybe im new.. if im new then who am i? am i the me i draw? the me i project out to others? who would that even be?? it seems no matter what, i remain dissatisfied with how everyone sees me, like theyre not seeing ME... but how can i know what that should be if i dont know myself? its like its locked somewhere within myself, but ill never be able to open it up, never be able to wear the skin i was meant to wear. i think it has nothing to do with the usual suspects, nothing to do with gender dysphoria, social anxiety, no. my mind is made of barriers and walls, im hiding from myself. i want to see it, dont i deserve it? its me after all.

to other people i must be someone right? so why does it feel so wrong? its not me, its wrong! surely its wrong? idk man. it makes me tired, i remember a couple years ago i managed to completely convince myself that i existed in a box and the box wasnt real, the whole time i was completely dissociated from my body, imagining one of my self inserts instead, crying and panicking because i wanted to get out of the box it was. MESSY, but when i calmed down i realized i was so worked up cuz i didnt know myself

for years ive worn the clothes my family picked, i didnt even know i could change my hair, i thought it wasnt allowed. i didnt have any self expression whatsoever. i was a husk, a shell of a person. to the point where now when i buy a piece of clothing, or i do ANYTHING with my appearance, i feel this.. it feels like such a big deal to me, and no one else really cares cuz hello? yr supposed to do that i guess, but i was 18 years too late. i have no sense of self cuz ive never explored myself, i thought it was against the rules. i dont know why i thought that, but its fucked me up i guess. i feel lost, i feel aimless. and im sucked back into that familiar feeling, i feel empty