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edupunkn00b · 6 months ago

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A Modern Family

Written for the wonderful @just-some-gt-trash as part of the @sanderssidesgiftxchange. I'm sorry pinch-hitting meant your gift was late but it meant I got to play in a fun world! I hope you enjoy this little tale.

Rated: G - WC: 4078 - CW: mentions of rodents and spiders -

Christmas and New Year's over, the nights were still long and cold. The forecasters' over-promised snow fell softly outside the windows of the Sanders brothers' house. 'Spring' semester started next week at Logan’s school, so he and Patton had decided this would be a good evening to finally take down their holiday decorations and start to prepare for the new year ahead.

Seeded with a small box of keepsakes from their grandparents, they’d managed to accumulate quite the collection over the past six years, so they’d started early that evening in the hopes of completing their task before bed.

But even the best laid plans can fail. They’d only partially dismantled the tree and cleared the mantle, with candles and stockings and bric-à-brac filling three boxes to the brim, when Patton suddenly yawned, both arms stretched high over his head.

“Wow, Logie,” he said past another drawn out yawn. “I’m feeling like an old drum.”

Logan rolled his eyes at his brother’s old joke but couldn’t quite stifle his snort.

“I’m gonna head to bed,” Patton continued, too tired to notice Logan’s rare acknowledgement of his pun. He hefted up the stack of boxes he’d set behind the couch. “I’ll take these up,” he said, darting for the stairs.

Logan half-turned toward him, one arm wrapped with the singular string of tree lights he’d successfully detangled. “Would you like some—”

“No!” Patton interrupted. He fumbled the boxes, the top jiggling as he scrabbled for a better handhold “No, I’ve got ‘em,” he said, laughing. “The boxes.” His face pinked and he shrugged his burden with a grin. “The boxes, I mean.”

“Yes,” Logan nodded. “I can see that.” Perhaps sleep was best for him. “Good night, then, Pat.”

Patton was half-way up the stairs before he’d finished his sentence.

“‘Night, Logie!” he called over his shoulder just before the big closet upstairs slammed shut. Patton’s own bedroom door soon followed and Logan was left alone in the quiet living room.

It took Logan just over another hour to detangle and rewind the last of the tree lights and he stood back to assess their progress. The room was nearly restored to its standard appearance. There were now a few more books on the shelves and two new video games beneath the console. An unsealed tray of candied nuts sat on the coffee table, just next to the new coasters Logan had bought ‘for the house.’

Both gifts had been for the house. That's what the tags had said, at least. While the coasters were intended as a gentle reminder for Patton to not set drinking glasses down where their condensation would leave rings on unprotected surfaces, the sweet treats were really gift for their closest neighbors.

Their very closest neighbors.

Last July, he and Patton had moved in to their not-so-new house—‘It has good bones!’ the real estate agent had crowed. And, despite the rare-but-too-frequent-for-Patton appearances of tiny spiders throughout the house, they'd agreed. Their new home was large, with plenty of space for Logan’s third floor office overlooking the woods and Patton’s chicken coop in the backyard. Despite the high ceilings and many windows, the thick, well-insulated walls had kept them comfortably cool on even the hottest days.

It hadn’t been until September, on the first chilly night of the year, that Logan had begun to suspect they weren’t the only mammals living within its walls.

At first Logan had surmised his brother’s less-than-fastidious kitchen habits had led to a minor rodent infestation. Small amounts of food had began to go missing. He’d found opened cracker boxes with long, thin slits torn into their linings. Patton’s Nutter Butters ran out faster than typical and a hole sprouted near the bottom of his bagged coffee beans. They never found any droppings or teeth marks, so they simply repackaged everything in airtight containers and didn’t think much more of it.

Until October came.

It was midterm season and Logan had a thick stack of essays waiting for him on his desk. While requiring students to hand-write their exams in class had proved an effective deterrent against AI drivel, it meant more work for him in grading—and deciphering—over two hundred essays written with varying levels of coherence and legibility. Waiting for that evening’s fourth cup of coffee to brew, he’d removed his eyeglasses and leaned back against the counter, relishing a moment of required rest.

“You know,” a tiny voice drawled a few inches from his ear. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about your new coffee tin.”

He jolted up, barely avoiding the now-simmering kettle, and found himself eye-to-eye with… a person. A very smallperson.

“What?” Logan ripped off his eyeglasses and polished them on his sweater. Hands shaking, he replaced them and stepped closer, staring. “What are you?”

“Excuse you,” the little creature harrumphed, smoothing the sleeves of a tiny overcoat. “I am a who, not a ‘what.’”

Logan blinked at the creature for a long moment and it snapped its fingers inches from his nose. “Hel-lo? Anyone home?” When Logan still couldn’t quite find his words, it sighed. “It appears Remus was wrong about you. He said you could handle it but I knew we should have—”

“Remus? You—he? There’s more—”

Logan’s sputtering was cut off by the kettle's screech. Hands covering its—his? Their?—ears, it jumped down from the shelf and stomped on the switch, silencing the whistle. The action shook free the logjam of thoughts in Logan’s brain. “How did you know to do that?”

“Oh, look, he finally speaks,” the little creature murmured, one eyebrow cocked. “Well, I’ve watched you often enough.”

“You’ve…” Logan shuddered as he glanced around the kitchen, every shadow, every nook and cranny looming and large. “You’ve been watching us?”

“Yes, of course w—” The creature cut themself off, large—for their face—eyes suddenly widening before falling back to a more languid shape. “Look at us,” they said, gesturing between them. “Your size makes you remarkably more threatening to me than I could ever be to you.”

“You could poison me,” Logan blurted out. “Or nick my carotid artery or cause me to aspirate Vaseline—”

Both hands pressed over their belly, the little creature laughed, an incongruously cheerful sound that halted Logan’s litany faster than anything else could have. “While I appreciate the list…” they said when they finally caught their breath. They wiped tiny tears from the corners of their eyes, soaking the butter yellow gloves they wore. “That would mean murdering the best resource w—I’ve had in years.”

“Resource?” Logan repeated, lowering into a crouch to once again get to eye-level with the creature. Looking closer at the gloves, he recognized the material of his favorite proctoring tie. The creature’s waistcoat looked suspiciously like the tie he wore now. Frowning, he examined the material of his own. The silk was completely unmarred, but bringing it closer to the creature’s clothing, the match was undeniable.

“No need to worry, I’d sooner go naked than damage your lovely neckwear.” The creature smiled—knowingly, infuriatingly, with a little gleam in their eyes. He stroked the edge of his tie. “You never use the coordinating pocket squares.”

“I thought…”

Patton’s confused grin when Logan had thanked him after his last run to Goodwill suddenly made sense. When the small stack of unworn handkerchiefs and pocket squares in the back of his closet had disappeared, Logan had assumed Patton included them in his donation. He now understood just where they'd really gone.

“You’re behind the missing food,” he whispered, the creature’s comment about his coffee canister replaying in his mind.

“Perhaps Remus was right after all,” the creature murmured and offered their hand, palm side-ways. Carefully, softly, Logan pinched the offered hand between the pad of his thumb and index finger in a simulacrum of a handshake. “My name is Janus,” the creature smiled. “And we need to have a talk about your new food storage system.”

Over shared coffee—Janus carried his own miniature mug clipped to the pack slung across his back—they discussed how difficult it had become for Janus and his friend, Remus, to gather food from their kitchen. Ever since Logan and Patton had begun their anti-rodent measures in the kitchen, their small neighbors had been left to subsist on literal crumbs and the rare windfalls when Patton had left a package or treat out for longer than usual. After much discussion and negotiation, he and Janus crafted an agreement that both kept the kitchen sanitary and their little neighbors safe and well-fed.

“Besides,” Janus had murmured, sipping happily at his second cup of coffee. “Remus takes great pleasure in slaughtering any sort of pest that might dare enter this home.” He waggled his head, considering his words, before adding. “Excepting, of course, spiders,” he said, rolling his eyes. “He adores them.”

“Yes, we’ve seen a few,” Logan grimaced. “Though, as frightened as Patton is of them, he would never kill them.”

Smiling that strange smile again, Janus nodded. “So we’ve noticed,” he finally said. “To be honest, that restraint was the only thing that left me confident to approach you without fear of being squashed on sight.”

And so began a very different sort of routine. Each night, Logan would wash and refill a small, shallow container with bits of fruit and meats and bread along with several coffee beans. Occasionally, he’d include a small sachet of loose tea or other treats of chocolate and candies Patton had recently made.

Water was trickier, but after some experimentation, Logan had installed a small rodent-sized water feeder in an upper cabinet, threading the bent barrel through a small hole he’d drilled in the back wall when Patton was out shopping. He sanitized it every two days and refilled it with fresh water each night.

His brother held a deep compassion for animals, that same compassion that kept Logan from using bait or traps or, worse, a cat, to manage their presumed rodent problem. Janus was confident Patton's compassion would overrule his even deeper fear of 'creepy, crawl death dealers' and slow a violent reaction should either suddenly appear before him.

Logan did not share Janus' confidence and extracted promises from each of them to stay out of his brother’s sight entirely.

Remus, dressed in a shiny green-and-black striped jester suit newly stitched together from a regrettably ink-stained necktie, had been reluctant to promise. In the end, though, he’d been convinced by Patton’s well-timed shriek at the discovery of a spider in the upstairs bath.

Perhaps that is why, when Logan sealed another box of decorations and happened upon the green-and-black pant leg sticking out from beneath the couch, he had only sighed and tapped his foot. “Remus?” he called quietly, eyes darting automatically to the stairs to guard against a surprise arrival from Patton. “Remus what are you doing under there?”

When Remus remained unresponsive, he tapped again, a little harder. “Remus?” he repeated, the unnatural stillness unnerving. “Remus, are you alri—” Cupping his hand, he gently scooped up the small creature and freed him from beneath the couch.

And nearly dropped him. Well, it. Clad in Remus’ green and black outfit was the similarly-sized Elf-on-a-shelf figurine Patton had jokingly purchased just after Thanksgiving.

“Oh, no,” Logan whispered, clutching the small doll to his chest. “Remus?” he hissed, pushing up to his feet. “Remus, where are you?” He scanned the room, checking all the corners where the duo liked to hide as they joined in on his and Patton’s movie nights, checked the bookcase where he’d arranged a reversed magnifier close to the smallest volumes in his collection to ease their reading. Nothing.

Finally, his eyes dragged up to the shelf where said Elf sat all December.

Completely cleared.

Patton had packed up all the knick-knacks and decorations hours ago. Remus couldn’t be hiding there. “Remus?” he tried again.

“He isn’t home. Hasn’t been all day.” Janus’ voice carried from a crack in the wall, tight with worry. “He went out early in the morning but should be back by now. I don’t know where he is.”

Janus stepped out from their hidden doorway into the living room. Hat crooked and his knees dusty, never before had Janus appeared so not put together. Dirt smudged his cheek and loose threads hung from the cuff of his left glove. “I’ve looked everywhere. I can’t find him.”

“Oh, Jay…” Logan whispered and moved to scoop him up. “We’ll find him together. I think…” His eyes flicked upstairs. “I think Patton might have packed him with the Christmas decorations. But we must hurry. He—”

Janus’ eyes, already glossy, grew wide. “All that bubblewrap? And if he breaks out to breathe and Patton sees him, he might—”

“We'll find him," Logan promised, holding him close before. "Let's go." Already headed for the stairs, at Janus' nod Logan slipped him into a deep pocket to hide and dashed up to the second floor.

Covers pulled up over his head with the space beneath illuminated by his phone’s flashlight, Patton lay, belly down, on his bed. His stockinged feet switched between resting on his pillow and kicking the edge of the blanket as he laughed.

And unwrapped another chocolate for Remus.

“Okay, okay, okay, my turn,” he giggled. “Where does a general put his armies?”

Sprawled on his side with melted chocolate painting the edges of his mustache, Remus looked thoughtful for a moment, then grinned. “In the ground?”

“No!” Patton whisper-shrieked with a giggle. “In his sleevies!”

Falling onto his back and holding his belly, Remus laughed, the sweet tinkle matching the bells twitching on his borrowed hat and boots. Patton grinned as he broke off another tiny bit of his Ghirardelli square and passed it to him. He tapped one of the bells with another laugh. “I still can’t believe how long you managed to sit up on the mantlepiece.”

Eyebrows danced over wild eyes and Remus shrugged. “All your brother saw was the costume.”

Patton popped another chocolate into his own mouth and shook his head. “I thought for sure he caught me when he asked if I needed help with the box.” Reaching slowly, he dabbed at Remus’ face with the edge of his pajama sleeve, wiping away a tiny glob of chocolate. “You were laughing so loud!”

“Nah,” Remus leaned into Patton’s touch and curled against his hand. “Your brother’s so worried about you he wouldn’t notice if I’d stripped down in the middle of the living room.” Waggling his eyebrows, Remus winked. “He didn’t, did he?”

“That spider was suspiciously timed,” Patton murmured, stroking Remus’ hair back with the edge of his thumb.

Remus hummed, eyes falling shut. “Y’know they’re really not so bad when you give them a chance.”

“No, thank you!” Patton said for the millionth time. He twitched under the covers, just the thought of being near one of those horrible things sending an icy chill down his limbs.

Remus moved closer and hugged his hand. “Don’t worry, Pattycake,” he said, softer. “They won’t get too close to you.” His grin went sharp. “If they know what’s good for ‘em.”

“Thanks, Re,” he whispered. “You always know just what to—”

Patton froze at Logan’s sudden voice just outside his door. “Pat?” he called, voice low like he was afraid he’d wake him.

Pressing one finger to his lips, Patton drew Remus close and poked his head out from under the covers. He checked the time. He’d gone upstairs over two hours ago. Logan would expect him to be asleep by now, right?

Keeping Remus tucked against his chest so he wouldn’t squish him, Patton turned them around and lay back down under the covers, head now on the pillow. He’d just remembered to flip over his phone to hide the flashlight as Logan slowly opened the door.

“Pat?” he whispered into the darkness. Silhouetted by the hall light, Logan’s head turned from side to side as he peered into the room.

Rubbing his eyes with one hand—the other holding Remus under the covers—Patton put on a sleep-fuzzy voice. “Logie? You okay?”

“I am fine, I—I apologize for waking you, Patton.” He sounded rushed and… anxious.

Under the covers, Remus curled closer, stroking just over Patton’s sternum. He'd heard it, too. He wiggled against him, a welcome reminder he was still close and Patton took a steadying breath.

“Did something happen?”

“I—No. No, nothing to worry about, Patton.” He’d put on his calm, Big Bro voice. “I… I merely found a few additional items downstairs I’d neglected to pack away in the boxes you’d brought up. I went to find them and they weren’t all in the closet. I… Do you…”

He cleared his throat and Patton pulled Remus a little closer when he felt a snicker escape him. Logan didn’t seem to hear.

“Do you have the mantle box in here?” Logan finally asked, still in the doorway.

“Oh,” Patton giggled. That’s all he was worried about? “Oh, sure,” he said, sitting up a bit more and clicking on his bedside lamp. “By the dresser.” Relieved he’d thought to retape the box where he’d hidden Remus, he pointed freely.

Logan’s eyes widened when he saw the sealed box and he pounced on it, tearing at the tape.

“Logie?” Tucking Remus under the covers, he slid out of bed and moved to Logan’s side as he rifled through the box. He took out the bubble-wrapped snow globe and their stockings, along with the heavy copper hooks that held them in place. He pushed aside the ten years’ worth of Santa photos, the ice skating figurine, and the Phantom of the Opera music box that always played too loud.

Increasingly frantic, Logan’s fingers scraped the bottom of the box.

“Logie?” Patton asked again. “Are you looking for something?”

“Tell him!” A tiny voice—not Remus’ voice—came from Logan’s pocket.

Logan straightened, looking everywhere but at Patton.

“Who was that?” Patton asked and he swore he heard another of Remus’ little snickers from the bed.

“Wha—I—It—” Logan shook his head. “I didn’t hear anything. I am merely looking for—”

“Looking for me?” Remus called loudly from the bed, bells jangling.

The little voice swore from Logan's pocket. “Dammit, Remus!”

“Re!” Patton cried, moving to the bed.

“Re?” Logan repeated, grabbing for his hand before Patton got far. He finally met his eyes. “Re?” he asked again.

“The jig is up, Pattycake,” Remus laughed, shimmying down the comforter and dropping to the carpeted floor with the whisper of a thud. Pulling back from Logan, Patton rushed to meet him. He scooped him up and gently cradled him in both hands, over-sized elf costume bouncing with the movement. He brought him closer for Logan to see.

“Yes. 'Re.' Logan, this is Remus,” he admitted. “He won’t hurt you. He's friendly!”

Sitting criss-cross on Patton’s palm, Remus waved and blew a kiss at Logan. “Hey there, Lo Lo!”

“I know who he is!” Logan cried, hand to his head. “How do you know who he is?”

“You know!?”

“Of course he knows!” The other voice said and a tiny head popped out from Logan’s pocket.

“Oh, hi, Jannie,” Remus said, sounding guilty for the first time that evening.

The tiny person in Logan’s pocket—so this was the friend Remus had talked about—tapped Logan’s side and he moved to retrieve him. Palms flat and close to his chest, he carried him on his hands in a near match to how Patton held Remus.

Though instead of sitting comfortably as Remus did, the other—Jannie—clung to Logan’s tie with one hand and stood, glaring at Remus. “Do you have even a concept of how worried we were?”

“What?” Remus’ grin scrunched into actual concern and he tugged Patton’s sleeve to move closer. “I told you I was going to go see my boyfriend!”

“I thought you meant the orb spider in the backyard!”

Patton shivered at the memory of the spindly striped legs of the giant spider under the deck railing out back. Nestled close to the dryer vent, it had found a cozy spot to spin its webs for the winter.

Remus was quick to soothe him, though, tiny fingers scritchting his palm. “Don’t worry, Patton, it’s not like that with Charlie.”

“Aw, Re…” Patton bowed his head to brush the very lightest of kisses against the top of his head. He must’ve ditched the hat somewhere along his path down from Patton’s bed. “I don’t own you. Just… don’t bring him home, okay?”

“Deal,” Remus grinned, settling back against his palm.

“Wait a minute!”

All eyes turned to Logan. Eyes wild and each cheek dotted with an angry red spot, he looked ready to burst. Remus nodded to Janus in warning just before jumping over to join him on Logan’s hand. Then he climbed up his sleeve and all the way up to his head. Laying on his stomach, he moved his arms and legs, massaging his scalp. Janus followed a similar path up his other arm but stopped on his shoulder, gently stroking his jaw.

Patton took Logan's now-empty hand.

“You’ve got our attention, Lo Lo,” Remus said, voice only slightly muffled by Logan’s hair.

“Patton,” he began through clenched teeth. He searched his eyes. “How long have you known?”

Guilt pricked his belly and he squeezed Logan’s hand. “I met Remus just after your classes started.”

“What!?” Janus cried, glaring up at Remus on top of Logan’s head. “So when you said we should tell Logan first, Patton already knew?”

Remus gave him his best smile and shrugged.

“Yeah…” He twirled a bit of Logan’s hair in his hands. “I thought it’d be funny.” Logan looked like he wanted to be mad, but Remus’ fiddling seemed to have the same effect on Logan as it had on him. His shoulders had dropped, arms only loosely crossed over his chest but then he’d frown, jaw suddenly clenched. It wouldn't last, though.

“I didn’t think anybody’d be able to keep the secrets up this long,” Remus explained after a moment. “I’m proud of you, Pattycake.” He winked and, despite the lingering annoyance in his brother’s gaze, Patton couldn’t stop his cheeks from warming.

Logan sighed and looked up, head tilted ever so slightly. “Remus, precisely how long ago did you make this particular change?” he asked, voice softer now.

“Oh, this?” he grinned, waggling his arms until the elf’s too-long sleeves flapped over his hands. The bells on the felt boots jangled with the movement. “This was just today.”

Logan’s brow furrowed. “I am disappointed in my lack of awareness and attention to detail,” he murmured and Janus slid closer, pressing a kiss just under his ear.

“Remus can be quite stealthy when he wishes to be,” he said. Scowling, his tiny face looked stern but pride warmed his voice. “You might be surprised by how often he’s been able to catch even me unawares.”

Remus shimmied back down and jumped to Logan’s shoulder. “It’s a gift,” he laughed and reached for Patton.

He gathered him up and smiled at his brother. “So now the secret’s out, maybe we can all go downstairs?” Looking at Janus happily perched on Logan’s shoulder, he grinned. His newest friend bowed his head in return with a matching smile. “Get everyone acquainted?”

“Hm? Ye—yes,” Logan blinked, glancing between him and Patton. “Yes, of course.” But the wheels still turned behind his eyes. “There was something you said…” he murmured and moved Janus to his palm. Arms outstretched, he peered at each of them in turn. “Remus, you said you’d gone to see your boyfriend.”

“Well, yeah,” Remus grinned, laying across Patton’s shoulder. He tickled his neck, laughing at the little squeak Patton couldn’t quite hide.

“Boyfriend.” Logan repeated, one eyebrow raised.

“Doesn’t seem all that different from you, Big Bro,” Patton grinned back. Janus half-sat, half-lay on Logan’s palm, smiling as Logan’s thumb seemed to unconsciously stroke his back.

Logan followed his gaze and blushed.

“Perhaps, well…” He cleared his throat. “Well, yes, I suppose that would not be… inaccurate,” he said, cheeks pinker than Patton had seen them in years. “Tea?” he asked, changing the subject and heading out into the hall. Janus’ low chuckle carried back to them and Patton followed, Remus on his shoulder.

“How ‘bout a hot toddy?” he called back.

“Remus!”

And, for a treat, here's one of the poses Remus kept up for over an hour on that mantle piece.

Credit: Photographer unknown, from an elf on the shelf posting found on Facebook Marketplace

#sanders sides #A Modern Family #ts logan #ts patton #ts janus #ts remus #human au #borrowers au #giant/tiny #loceit #intruality #logan sanders #janus sanders #patton sanders #remus sanders #more chocolate than is healthy for a borrower‚ I'm sure #Charlie the Orb Spider is briefly discussed

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ashs-random-writing · 2 years ago

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Witch Patton One-shots

Part 2

Ao3

—

Patton has magic. But, that doesn’t mean he knows how to use it

—

Janus hissed in comfort, under his heat lamp and on his blanket.

Patton was sleeping, and so was the other human, who he’d since learned was called Roman.

Roman was still annoying, if Janus was honest. Still making a lot of jokes at his height.

The door to the bedroom was ajar, like always, letting a small stream of light into the bedroom from where the living room lamp was always left on

Janus didn’t understand why humans had so many different kinds of rooms. There was the kitchen, to prepare food (Janus didn’t go in there often, he didn’t need to eat), there was the bathroom, for bathing, but Janus had never been in there, because humans were strange creatures and decided they needed to keep their bodies hidden from others.

There was the living room, which was for talking and ‘hanging out’ in. They did that in the other rooms as well, so Janus didn’t understand the purpose. But it had comfy blankets and cushions, and it was warm, so he didn’t care. There were the bedrooms, as well. Private rooms for sleeping, and ‘chilling out’. This one, Janus understood ever so slightly more

He hated being bothered when he was sleeping, so he didn’t mind that the bedrooms were private.

There was noise in the bedroom now.

He cracked an eye open, and surveyed the room. Oh, that was the source of the noise

He opened his eyes fully. Patton seemed to be having some kind of night terror

Janus absolutely didn’t care about the human that had cursed him into such a tiny body, but he had found that Patton’s magic got stronger when he was emotional. Even after he’d stopped holding his magic inside, the number of magical accidents didn’t seem to decrease that much

He looked at the human, and he could feel the magic starting to spark off of him

Hm.

Well, he certainly needed to wake him up, to prevent any further damage to the room, but he really, really did not want to be cursed a second time.

He slithered towards the second human’s bedroom. Better Roman than him, he decided, before entering the room.

They had a lot of memorabilia from something Janus didn’t know or care about.

He woke them up and directed them towards Patton’s room to deal with the nightmare.

He watched from a safe distance as they tried to wake Patton up, and got hit by a stray beam of magic.

Janus couldn’t help the smile that tugged at his lips as he saw what happened to the annoying human.

Or, rather more accurately at the moment, cat. Now a little orange cat, they were sitting dazed on the ground.

Janus found this a rather fitting form for them.

Of course, he’d still be able to hear what they were saying, being a creature of nature magic, but he’d be the only one.

Patton woke up a little while later, and stared at the cat on the ground

“Huh? How…?”

Patton looked over at Janus, who had curled up rather comfortably after adequately making fun of Roman

“Janus, how did this cat get in,”

Janus opened his eyes, and smiled.

“Well, that’s a good question,” he responded simply, closing his eyes again

“Janus..” Patton said, with a sort-of warning to his words

He rolled his eyes, and looked up at his human friend

“Fine,” he relented “your magic lashed out while you were sleeping, and Roman tried to wake you up” he laughed

“Rather stupid of him, if you ask me,” he added

Roman’s eyes snapped towards him

“You told me to, you slimy snake!” Roman shouted, words coming out more like a yowl to anything but Janus

Patton looked between them with visible confusion

“So… Roman’s a cat now? Oh gosh, how am I gonna explain this to Virgil?”

Janus rolled his eyes at the mention of the humans’ other friend.

He wasn’t too fond of them, since he wasn’t allowed to roam freely or as himself, rather than a regular snake when they were in the apartment.

Roman was still yowling about something or other, and Janus slithered away.

Patton approached him a little while later

“Janus, since I know that you can understand animals, and therefore you know what Roman is saying, I’m gonna need your help, is that okay?”

Janus, instead of responding, simply hissed at the orange cat that was in Patton’s arms

Roman hissed back at him, swiping a claw towards him

Janus turned away indignantly

“Alright, both of you stop that. You’re acting like kids, and I want you to at least attempt to get along with each other, or you’re both going to have to be stuck like this,” Patton said disapprovingly, gesturing to their cursed forms

Janus definitely didn’t pout

“Fine, but I’m not happy about it,” he replied

Roman also mumbled an agreement

Roman was set down on the couch, next to Janus, who definitely didn’t glare

Patton cleared his throat

“Alright, so I have some questions about what exactly happened, so, Janus, you tell me what happened first, and then you need to translate Roman’s answer for me, okay?”

Janus crossed his arms

“What if I don’t want to?” He challenged. Patton stared at him disapprovingly

Eventually, he agreed

“Basically, you were having a nightmare or something, and then Roman came in to help you, and then you cursed him. That’s it,” he said, casually

He could feel Roman’s glare, before Roman told him what to say for his side of the story

“I was sleeping peacefully, and then Baby Snake over here came in and woke me up, and practically dragged me to your room” he said

Janus felt his anger spike at the Baby Snake comment

“So, he’s saying that he came into your room completely of his own accord, and happened to get cursed,” he said, instead of saying what he was told to

Roman started shouting, or yowling rather, at him

“I did not, you are a liar, you-!”

Patton looked between them and sighed, cutting off Roman’s angry tirade

“Alright, I’m getting the sense that Janus might not have given an accurate translation, is that right, Roman?”

The cat traitorously nodded. Janus hissed

“He’s lying to slander my name,” he hissed out, turning his face away

Patton rubbed at his temple

“Listen, I can sense your emotions and it’s pretty obvious to me when you’re lying, so please just tell me the truth,” he asked, practically begging. He sounded tired

“Alright, fine, I lied, but- but he called me Baby Snake again!” He complained dramatically, watching Patton’s disapproving stare move to be focused on Roman instead

Roman grumbled about how he should be able to call Janus whatever nicknames he wanted since it was Janus’s trickery that got him in the situation

Janus hissed more viciously.

Patton’s magic seemed to be reacting, meaning that Patton was getting some kind of emotional reaction.

“Alright, you two try not to kill each other, I’m going to get ready for work, and you two are going to stay here, and preferably think of a cover story for us for where you,” he pointed at Roman “have suddenly disappeared to, and why I’ve suddenly acquired a cat, is that clear?”

Patton’s voice sounded firmer than usual, less like the soft voice he often used. It sounded more like a scolding parent.

It was probably because of all of the stress of the morning. Janus relented, and nodded

He could see Roman nodding in agreement as well, looking just as guilty as Janus

The second that Patton left the door to go to work ten minutes later, they both turned to each other

“You are a rude, deceitful little snake,” Roman mewed at him

Janus crossed his arms

“And you are a very rude and annoying human- oh, sorry, I mean little kitty cat,” he hissed out, coiling up

The argument dragged on for hours, with neither of them admitting that they were wrong. And Janus was absolutely right for that, totally; Roman was the one in the wrong in entirety.

“I could attack you, you know,” Roman said matter-of-fact-ly, and rather suddenly after a while of silence “I have claws,”

Janus laughed at that, feeling more than a little amused

“You could try, but I’m sure you realise that I’d win that fight with ease, don’t you, kitty cat?” He teased, his hissing words sliding out of his mouth like a stream

“Oh, please, all you do is sit around and nap all day. You don’t even need to eat, so excuse me for doubting your hunting skills”

Janus couldn’t help the way his anger deepened

“I’ll have you know that I occasionally partake in hunting to help the local ecosystem be the best it can be, and I think you should know that I am very, very good at it,”

He let the implied threat linger in the air. Roman’s claws were kneading the cushion below him, and piercing the silence.

“Besides,” Janus added “this body is new to you. I’m experienced,”

Roman took some time to think of a response in his small brain, much to Janus’s amusement

“Yeah, well, you were a lot bigger when you were hunting, so I’m not sure you’ll be as good now that you’re all itty-bitty,”

Janus hissed

“I’m sure I’ll be fine, considering the prey I’m thinking of happens to also be, as you put it, itty-bitty,” he looked at Roman’s small body pointedly

“Okay, well, we’re not actually gonna attack each other, are we? Patton wouldn’t like that,” Roman, said, clearly realising that Janus was superior

“No, he wouldn’t like that, which is the only reason I haven’t attacked you yet,” Janus responded in his superiority

They went back to sitting in mostly silence for a while. Janus got cold and decided to leave the living room and go back to his blankets and lamp

He was napping by the time he heard very loud yowling from the living room

Roman trying to complain about Janus to Patton, it seemed. He couldn’t make out individual words

Of course, with the witch unable to understand cats, the complaining would be futile, unless Janus was to give an accurate translation of what exactly he was saying

Patton called him in

“Janus, would you very kindly be able to explain what Roman is trying to say?” Patton asked, and he turned to Roman

“Tell him that you threatened to attack me, and that you’ve been rude to me all day,”

Janus rolled his eyes

“He’s upset that after he threatened to attack me, I informed him who’d win that fight,” Janus said, adding truth to the words.

Roman yowled another complaint

“Is that what he said?” Patton asked, clearly not believing that Roman was saying things to incriminate himself

“Well, no, but it’s the truthful side of the story, his version is all lies and slander,”

Patton sighed.

“Will you two please just try to get along with each other? I know this isn’t an ideal situation, but I’d like you to get along, because otherwise it will just keep going on until you’re both miserable. Do you want that?”

Janus crossed his arms and perhaps did a little bit of sulking

“Now, does anyone have any ideas on how to explain this little incident?”

Janus looked at Roman

“We.. we could ask my brother for help?”

Janus translated

There was a small sidetrack when Patton had to ask why, exactly, Roman’s brother Remus knew about Patton’s magic (answer: Roman was predictably bad at secrets, much like how he was bad at not being insufferable, and told his brother everything)

Eventually, it was agreed that they’d say that Roman had decided to visit his brother for an undetermined amount of time, and Remus had agreed to cover for them.

Janus almost rolled his eyes, in fact the only reason he didn’t was that he and Roman were under careful supervision to make sure that they weren’t getting at each other’s throats

Patton had looked at his security camera’s feed, and had found that from the one side of the conversation he could understand, Janus hadn’t in fact started the argument and it was Roman who had threatened first.

Unfortunately, Janus was still told off for being mean about it.

Then came time to think of a name for the cat that Roman had turned into; they for some reason couldn’t call him Roman in front of people, as that would apparently cause a small amount of suspicion.

Janus wondered if there was some human rule against naming someone or something the same name as something else. He didn’t get it.

He yawned, starting to curl up. He started to nap once again, making up from being woken by Roman’s insistent meowing and complaining.

The next few days were annoying, much to Janus’s dismay. Not only could he not nap as much, but he had to hang around Roman to act as a translator. And, to top it all off, he got told off if he gave a wrong translation, even if his version was better

He would often hiss at the former human

Roman still slept on his own bed, which was great since it meant that Janus could have some peace and quiet in Patton’s bedroom

No one was very happy at this situation. As funny as it was at first, now that he had to help? No, thank you.

The name they had used for cat-Roman was Pumpkin, since they were both orange. Roman didn’t seem to mind it, but he was pretty much sulking all the time since he was cursed. Janus couldn’t relate, he was always perfectly composed.

—

@a-chilly-pepper @da3dm

#sanders sides gt #sanders sides fic #sanders sides story #sanders sides g/t #giant/tiny #giant tiny #sanders sides au #sanders sides #g/t #sanders side fic #witches #witch Patton #cats

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