#while with things like transness and asexuality you sort of have to do more work to include it

[nellasbookplanet]

Thinking about this again because the book I'm currently reading, while making a commendable effort to have its fantasy world be queer friendly and inclusive despite the main romance being straight, also committs the cardinal sin of going 'hello this is my friend from a country that doesn't use the gender binary, they use they/them :)'. Like sure that’s interesting! What does the social structure look like in this other country? How does this character think and feel about the gender binary now that they live in a country that keeps VERY strongly to it? How do others in this country treat them based on their non-normative pronouns and presentation? How do things like politically arranged marriages (a central theme of the novel) work between countries where one sticks hard to a gender binary and the other has no concept of it? Does the term 'gender binary' come as easy as it does to these characters despite the historical setting precisely because existing alongside a nation that doesn't use it has made them more aware of its existence and a need for language to describe it?

Oh it doesn't come up? It’s only mentioned once (and in the most anachronistic way possible, if you find yourself using the term 'gender binary' in a historical fantasy setting you’ve probably already failed at several levels of worldbuilding) and then never truly integrated, just sprinkled on top for inclusivity? Oh okay then.

Anyway this video talks a lot about how poorly executed queer inclusion is often a failure of worldbuilding, especially when it comes to trans and nonbinary characters, go watch it for a good time.

The three tiers of queer sff:

Broke: what is worldbuilding? Made in a lab to be as blandly inoffensive as possible. Time to randomly namedrope terms like 'nonbinary' and 'ace' while doing zero work actually incorporating them into the world or characters and have someone give a speech about how valid they are. Lines like 'I'm too ace for this' while never exploring the concept of asexuality or aromanticism and still having very central romance plotlines is common. I hate it here learn how to write realistic dialogue and fully realized characters I'm begging.

Woke: more ore less typical sci-fi and fantasy but It’s Queer Now. Might include in-universe queerphobia to be struggled against or may have queer identities be fully normalized. Can be done bad or well depending on the skill of the writer. A good way to explore our contemporary ideas of gender and sexuality or to have a bit of a power fantasy with lesbian princesses and trans knights. There will probably be a bisexual love triangle.

Bespoke: what is a gender. What is monogamy. What is polyamory. What is romance. What is platonic. Time to show you the most fucked up uncategorizable relationship you’ve ever seen. There may be weird ass metaphorical sex

[sentientgopro]

On the topic of transness and the whole aroace thing. Idk if I can be of particular help, while I personally am allosexual and alloromantic (I think), I have a weird relationship to attraction (and gender) and I'm also polyamorous, so generally outside of the norm for how attraction works. Plus, I have several connections (partners, friends, a sibling, etc.) who are on the ace and/or aro spectrum. Which is why I had way too many thoughts on this topic, unfortunately none of them scientifically backed. I'm not a sociologist, but interpersonal relationships are somewhat of a special interest for me.

I'm warning you now, this is probably gonna get messy and long (even though I'll try to keep it as short as I can), but I like sharing.

This point might be the most relatable and applicable to your situation. I have a friend who used to identify as agender and asexual (don't remember if also aromantic, it's been years) who then realized she's a trans woman and a lesbian, which was very surprising and weird for her as well. The way she rationalized it was that within her own self-perception she couldn't see herself as someone who would be in a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone else, but gaining more acceptance for herself and her own identity, the idea of her being someone who loves and is loved seemed more realistic and desirable. She's not 100% sure either, though. But there is a possibility of internally rejecting attraction as a sort of self-defense mechanism due to a lack of self-acceptance. That doesn't invalidate aroace identities, but I think both of these ideas can and do coexist.

It may be important to also remember here that first of all, both asexuality and aromanticism exist on a spectrum and secondly that they refer to attraction rather than behavior or desire for tangible circumstances. Asexual/aromantic people can still enthusiastically participate in sex/romance, the main point is that they don't experience sexual/romantic attraction for specific people (or only under specific circumstances if we move around on the spectrum). My longterm partner is asexual (but not aromantic), but will participate in sexual activities with me because they love me and it's a pleasurable activity. They find me aesthetically attractive, and may even find certain behavior or body parts arousing, but they're not sexually attracted to me as a person. In fact, sexual attraction doesn't even cross their mind unless prompted. Another more recent connection is aromantic (but not asexual), but doesn't mind participating in traditionally romantic activities and physical non-sexual affection with me, but just doesn't experience crushes/romantic attraction towards people. The entire concept seems a bit hard to understand for them. They "love" me, but conceptualize it mostly as very strong platonic feelings, as far as I can understand. (At this point it might be good to note that I have the most ironic luck at finding partners/connections as someone who experiences very strong sexual and romantic attraction.) My sibling is on the aroace spectrum, but still desires companionship and partnership (cupioromantic has been used as a label before, but not consistently). Romantic and sexual attraction are all just very wibbly wobbly weird concepts in general, just like gender, honestly. Nothing really matters ultimately, but also it kinda does? It's all very silly how much importance society puts on these things, especially when you deviate from the norm.

You asked "Are there different kinds of romance?" and I raise you "What is romance even?". To date I have not been able to come to a conclusion or been given a good answer to that. Ask 10 people and you get 10 different answers. As soon as you divorce the premises of sexual attraction and monogamy from romance, it becomes nigh impossible to even start to define. For a lot of people these seem to be defining factors of romance (as opposed to platonic love). In fact, my current running theory is that romance, on its own, is a social and cultural construct (especially if you look at historic conceptions of it). Nevertheless, romantic attraction is still a feeling I experience, and it feels different than strictly platonic love or even sexual attraction. Best I can do for a description is give general vibes. I cannot even strictly define it for myself. But I have people that I have romantic feelings for without them being sexual. I can be sexually attracted to people I don't harbor romantic feelings for. I even have romantic feelings for people I don't desire a relationship with. It feels a bit like RGB color sliders sometimes, but I think it's even more multidimensional than that. It's honestly kind of frustrating to me. But honestly, yeah, people are multidimensional and we experience the same concepts in different ways. Which actually leads me to my next point:

Being polyamorous and having people with different sexual and romantic orientations taught me that relationships, at the core of it and once you free yourself from social norms, are entirely customizable and don't have to be perfectly symmetrical. I can have romantic/sexual feelings for someone while they don't have those for me and that's okay. We agree on the activities we want to experience together and the ways we'd like to interact and then it's alright. Of course, it's more complicated than that and you do run into conflict/resentment on the way, but as long as you keep and open mind, stay flexible, and are willing, you can establish and experience great and fulfilling interpersonal relationships outside of the norm. Sometimes they don't last, and that's also okay as long as you do your best to have a good time. What I'm saying is, the rules are all made up. Do what you want. Just gotta find the right people. That's not always easy, but it's incredibly worth it.

Anyway, I hope my messy ramblings contributed something and if not, I'm sorry for taking up your time (English is my third language, so my sentences can get a bit too long, I think). Obviously, my point of view is very colored by my own circumstances (notably non-monogamy), but sometimes it helps to look at things from outside of the box.

Hope you have a pleasant life and that you either find the answers you seek or learn to make peace with not knowing.

Yeah, thank's for the help! If you take a quick look at my profile, youll quickly see Im no stranger to long posts, lmao, I love em.

I do think that not being happy with who I am could absolutely be a factor in this. I think it feeds into a general lack of understanding of relationships. I might feel romantic attraction, I dont understand what that feeling is to know whether I feel it or not, so I based my judgement on desire for a relationship.

But I think the main part of it is a combination of not understanding romance and lack of self respect. Its like, if I dont understand what romantic love is, I cant see myself as being lovable? And to me, a big part of my newly discovered desired relationship is emotional support. So I look at that, see it as a desireable aspect of someone, and know I am absolutely incapable of giving it to other people. There are other examples like that, but basically, I dont understand relationships, I consider what I would want out of one, and dont think I have that.

My main takeaway from reading this is I just cant know yet, can I? Im aroace now, these labels fit now, when I start transitioning Ill do whatever. If I get into a relationship, would it be romantic, platonic, Queerplatonic, etc, it really just doesn't matter, its just a relationship and we'd do what we wanted. I'm getting too hung up on figuring things out that are A. Impossible to figure out before I reach the point where it happens and B. Not necessary to figure out.

As for asexuality, Im gonna tread lightly, but yeah, I think I might be some shade of grey ace. If I was in a romantic relationship already I would almost definately wanna be involved that way.

But yeah, your response was really helpful, thank you! I really just shouldn't worry so much, you helped me realise that.

[olderthannetfic]

I think "mlm" and "wlw" have their uses when talking about things like fanworks (e.g. someone saying "I wish there was more wlw in this fandom" probably isn't trying to be any more exclusionary than someone saying "I wish there was more femslash in this fandom") but I agree they shouldn't be used to describe real people without their permission and they especially shouldn't be used as umbrella terms.

As a nonbinary person it feels shitty on a personal level, because it's specifically excluding me and others like me when people treat "mlm and wlw" as its own binary. It also sows division in the bisexual community. I, as a bisexual enby, have a lot in common with bisexual men. I also have a lot in common with bisexual women. Bisexual men and bisexual women have a lot in common with each other. Using "mlm" and "wlw" splits us all apart by grouping bi men with gay men, bi women with lesbians, and nonbinary bisexuals with… no one. (I'll get more into this later, but that's not just a disservice to nonbinary bisexuals, it's a disservice to every bisexual. Do you think a wlw community is going to be a good resource for a bi woman who needs to talk about her attraction to someone who isn't a woman? Of course it isn't. But other bisexuals would be.)

But the exclusion of nonbinary people is primarily from the first letter in each of those terms, and they're not the only ones doing the exclusionists' work. How about the last letter? Both "mlm" and "wlw" only include people who experience some sort of attraction. Many queer people don't. It's not only nonbinary people being excluded here, it's also aroace people. And I don't think it's a good thing for any aromantic or asexual person, either, even if they could be considered "mlm" or "wlw" as those terms specifically emphasize the attraction that is present while basically outright ignoring the attraction that isn't (or in other words, they're saying "the attraction you do feel is what makes you one of us; your asexuality or aromanticism is irrelevant.") As an aromantic person, I find that insulting. My lack of romantic attraction is an important part of my queer identity and any community that dismisses its importance is not one I'd like to be in.

I also previously identified as a bisexual woman for a time, and as a bi woman, using "wlw" to mean "lesbians and bi women" felt to me like it was downplaying the importance of my attraction to men, and I think that's by design. There's already a problem with many bi women feeling like their attraction to men is shameful, and grouping bi women and lesbians under the wlw umbrella reinforces that, because it's effectively saying "your attraction to women is what makes you one of us; your attraction to men (or anyone else) is irrelevant." (Sound familiar?) And that sucks, having part of your identity dismissed like that, but on top of that, what message does that send to the bi women who already feel ashamed of their attraction to men? It's reinforcing that shame! It's telling them they shouldn't be attracted to men! And that's a problem. That's not the kind of queer community I want to build. I hope it's not the kind of queer community the rest of you want to build, either.

Come to think of it, if "mlm" and "wlw" are being pushed as replacements for "queer" altogether, that also excludes heterosexual trans people, who are no less queer but wouldn't have any place in these groups. It also downplays the importance of people's transness even if they do fit into either of those categories, as being trans has no bearing on whether they fit the category or not. Much like this downplays the importance of bi people's attraction to different genders, it downplays trans people's transness.

Using "mlm" and "wlw" as umbrella terms excludes nonbinary people, excludes aroace people, excludes heterosexual trans people, divides the bisexual community, dismisses bisexual people's attraction to different genders, dismisses the importance of people's asexual or aromantic identities, dismisses the importance of people's trans identities, and reinforces aphobic, biphobic, and transphobic rhetoric.

Or in other words, under this set of umbrella terms, if you're aromantic, asexual, nonbinary, or transgender, that part of your identity doesn't matter. If you're bisexual, the part of your bisexuality where you're attracted to other genders than your own doesn't matter. And if you're reading this and thinking "hey, that sounds like radfem bullshit," you're right, it does. That's why I think so much of this is intentional, because a lot of the push for "wlw" and "mlm" is done by TERFs and other radfem types.

Now can we please stop trying to use these instead of the perfectly good umbrella term we already have in "queer?"

--

Nooooooo.

"Wlw" to mean "f/f" is annoying as shit. Women who love women are women with a particular identity, or at least a long-term pattern of emotional attraction.

F/F is more accurate and precise when describing what type of ship is in something.

"I wish there was more wlw in this fandom" sounds to me like it means "I wish there were more lesbians and bi/pan female fans in this fandom" rather than a statement about fanworks.

But yes, I agree with the rest of this.

[csa-survivor-confessions]

? (question at the end)

I'm confused about a kink I have, which revolves around shame and humiliation. I'm asexual, while I like to look at porn and have a male preference, I masturbate mostly to stress and don't get turned on often.

This makes me even more confused because this kink is extremely arousing to me.

It scares me because I know I have some sexual trauma in childhood I can't remember properly, I feel that it's somehow related. It's weird because I have no evidence, but based on what I know, it really seems that way. Regardless, engaging in this kink or the thougt of it isn't "fun" like other sexual scenarios, I'm not sure how it feels, but it's really strange.

I don't really feel "good" when I'm in this situation, it's more like hunger, I'm trying to push it, it's like I'm in a sort of transe where I'm so obsessed with it that nothing else matters.

It's almost as if I'm going through a traumatizing sexual experience again.

My question is, is this harmful? Should I stop doing this?

And if it is unsafe, how could I handle getting aroused in this way by accident?

Hello,

It sounds like your not really dealing with something that your body is considering sexual in a healthy way that would promote well being.

The arousal linked to things connected to your trauma is very common. It happens like this because when we were traumatized at a very young age and/or for a long period of time our brain wires abusive behaviours like degradation with the pathways for sex and sexual physiology.

Feeling checked out and like you must have more stimuli at the same time makes. You're dealing with re-awaking trauma responses. Like you said it feels like re-traumatizing which it likely is.

Obsessive thoughts to the point you can't think of anything other than these sexual things could be related to hypersexuality. With hypersexuality, the sexual acts don't have to be pleasant just obsessive and/or compulsive. (Symptoms Explainer: What is Hypersexuality?)

Masturbation that you do as a stress reliever versus for pleasure can be really common as it can releses chemicals in the body that are calming. It can also become compulsive not for feeling good but because it is sexual and that itself makes you want to do it.

So overall it does sound like it's harming you.

In The Moment:

I would suggest caring around something groundings like a fidget toy or even just cold water to drink (has to be cold). these can redirect sensory input.

Redirect your behaviour away from the info that is triggering your arousal in a negative way. Look at something completely different as best you can and focus on that instead. You can switch to something the opposite of sexy for you.

Changing Bhevaiour:

As for changing the behaviour, you can look into coping skills for intrusive and obsessive thoughts to try and counteract the need you have to focus on these situations.

Coping Skills: Obsessive Thoughts

Coping Skills: Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts

If you can counteract the compulsive aspect you can try and reduce the amount of time you spend engaging with the kink. Find something that brings up strong emotions in other ways. I would also suggest finding coping skills that can bring you feelings of arousal (non-sexual kind) that can help you find something else you can do outside of masturbation.

Do some reflecting on what you want your sexuality to look like and what kind of things can get you feeling sexually good that don't cause these knock-on negative effects. Focous on this can give you a goal to work towards.

Learning better coping skills overall can help break those trance like states where you can feel anything but the stimuli. Coping Skills Masterposts: Panic Attacks, Flashbacks & Dissociation

You can work to heal and get to a better place where you no longer have to deal with re-traumatizing yourself and have healing sexual acts

Be Blessed,

Admin 1

[ashby-santoso]

I’m really here for some queer Harry/Ginny headcanons

Bi Ginny likes flying with the Holyhead Harpies because there are lots of other queer women there. Her mother still doesn’t really understand why it’s important, and her father is supportive but asks millions of questions...but thank Merlin, Harry just gets it. He does a bunch of the admin in the background for her, and jokes around with her team mates, and when she hears about a new sport they’re playing in the states he runs lots of the errands and makes the sign-up sheets while Ginny does all the front-line organising. She is completely psyched for running the UK’s first magical roller derby league.

NB Ginny who was always a tomboy but never thought it might mean something more, who worries Harry won’t want them, who lives under the crushing weight of misgendering every day...NB Ginny is working on getting their shit together. They cut their hair short to try and make people see them right - it doesn’t work so sometimes they still charm it long because they like the way it frames their face. They do what they fucking want thanks. (But it’s lonely.) (And they’re tired.) But since they came out, they’ve had a few old school friends get in touch unexpectedly. Luna’s no surprise, but Dean Thomas? It’s a funny way to reconnect with an ex, but Dean’s been making friends with all the queers in london and they can show Ginny around and make them feel normal again and honestly thank merlin for genderqueer exes.

Trans boy Ginny didn’t know anything about transness. He worried that the masculine aspect of himself was Tom Riddle, still inside him. It was Harry coming out to him as bi that finally made him break down, and the years between his 22nd and 25th birthdays were just a patchwork of fear and pain and loneliness…but also, ultimately, of growth. Every version of Ginny has intrusive thoughts about Tom Riddle, and in the end every version has learned to manage them, even if it was harder for some than others. But anyway, things are better now. He knows where he’s at, mostly. And Harry says his new stubble is cute. (It takes a while for anyone to remember that Arthur Weasley had 6 older brothers, and that this makes trans boy Ginny the 7th son of a 7th son...but that’s another story.)

Trans girl Harry (just like all the Harrys) hates the press, but Colin Creevey’s been moving higher and higher at the Daily Prophet and he does love to write about her. It’s hard to be annoyed when it’s all articles about her latest Quidditch successes and recaps of key moments in the second war, the text still humiliatingly enthusiastic but emblazened with THE GIRL WHO LIVED in enormous print. Ginny buys them all and pins them up in the bathroom to make her laugh. Molly Weasley has taken to knitting Harry fluffy, aggressively pink jumpers with curly H’s on them and she’s not sure how to tell Molly that she’s actually kind of a butch lesbian and her wardrobe is 90% flannel. It’s ok though, Hermione basically lives in Weasley jumpers these days because the unspeakables tend to work long hours in cold rooms with no dresscode. The two of them have this cute little butch-and-femme-best-pals routine going on and it’s fun to give her the jumpers and then borrow them back sometimes.

Ace Harry thought he couldn’t really be with anyone, and it was chewing him up inside. Ron couldn’t see what the fuss was about - “well, could you just date somebody and not have sex with them?” - which was sort of unhelping but also sort of really comforting. Hermione made him worried he might have all sorts of deadly diseases (“Google says it could be a symptom –”) until she found AVEN and figured it out. Harry cried. He and Ginny had lots of conversations, and it was painful but they said everything they needed to and then they got married. A little while later, Charlie talks to Ron who talks to Fleur who talks to Bill who talks to Ginny who encourages Harry to go to France to visit Bill. Fleur declares that she Knew Eet All Along and Bill takes him out to a grotty Parisian bar to meet a motley assortment of other aces and aros with an array of partners, friends and hangers-on. Being Bill’s friends, they are all much cooler than Harry and want to talk about things like French anarchist politics and how to look after facial piercings, but they also make asexuality jokes at every opportunity and they’re obviously keen to make him feel included. It’s…nice. He’s still mostly closeted but now he has a little fantasy of starting up an ace pick-up Quidditch team someday.

Ace Ginny takes years to figure it out. When she finally does, the really important things between her and Harry don’t change - the late-night conversations, the stupid Quidditch jokes, being there when he comes home from therapy every week. Knowing she’s ace makes her happier, calmer, more centred - but sometimes the weight of the world comes down on her shoulders, the weight of every book and film and conversation telling her there is something wrong with her. Then she doesn’t feel like touching him, doesn’t want to curl up and cuddle like she usually does - but this is nothing new for them. Harry has bad days of his own sometimes and so they already have their own little language of fist bumps instead of hugs, blown kisses and cups of tea and giving each other lots of personal space in a way that adds up to saying, I love you. Ginny starts volunteering at a wizarding LGBTQIA charity, and she doesn’t really talk about her personal life in the Daily Prophet interviews she does but she makes sure all the people who matter know where she’s at, and she makes sure everyone knows what she thinks. She supplies Harry with hundreds of shiny pamphlets to put in the back of his Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom, so all his students will know it’s ok to be queer or ace or trans. The pamphlets disappear startlingly quickly, and he says it’s the only time he’s really proud to hear hero-worshipful teenagers saying Well HARRY POTTER told me or Did you know that GINNY WEASLEY says...