#with these drafts

[comfreyhollywings]

so what if you feel strongly towards every single thing and every person that walks down your street and the coffee mug that sits in front of you? what if you wanted (and still want) to be loved and cherished? what if you wanted to hope and you wanted it to hurt?

so what if you wanted to be alive?? so what if you wanted to thrive and be in pain?

like, why hope so desperately for something, or someone, and have that same thing stab you? once on your nerves, the other noosed around your neck, and the final blow on your heart.

so what if it wasn’t logical? what if it wasn’t practical?? what if you were childish, reckless, and impulsive over your feelings; throwing yourself hard into whatever may love you back because you were so desperately starved of care??

you’re a little masochistic like that.

it’s understandable. it’s logical if people consider where you came from.

touch starved and emotionally isolated. self-sabotaging and horrible at changing things. you're emotional in turn, and you don't always look at the logic behind emotional reactions. you think routines and items for your self-care will solve the problem.

they don't. your injuries since childhood requires more than that. it cycles. and you're not always aware of how they play out in your life since 1.) you're a workaholic, 2.) you're not present with yourself, and 3.) you're shit at compromise.

my thing is, you never really took notice over how others reacted to you. you know. you never noticed how people were willing to let you be safe and sound; only for you to feel antsy and rip that away from yourself. you never noticed how avoidant you were; always with running shoes on, hands tightening around the fabric of your pants. it’s the same hands you shook your bully’s hand with a decade later, your teeth grinding against each other.

(he died a decade later. you confessed to me that you were happy about that. six feet in the grave. you told me that you were a monster. i don’t think so. i just think you just never grew up.)

you’ve been a victim, yes. but you’ve also hurt others too. and you’re aware of that fact.

sex, drinks, and being neck-deep in your feelings. you’re tired. you want to feel things. you have addictions you don’t really talk about, but it’s there. you isolate yourself because you don’t want things to end up like your ex, so.. you’ve thrown yourself into flings and one night stands here and there. you’ve went into surface level relationships. things that could scratch an itch for you.

you've thrown yourself into something like that again. you've kept doing it; told others that "i don't really expect anything when i give so why should others expect anything from me".

that's unfair. you didn't see it until now.

but this. this is. this isn’t a fling. this is like a fucking mirror that you can’t take at times. it's anything but a fling or a one night stand.

it's strange and bewildering and confusing. it's lovely, but it's also hell. because now you're snapped rudely awake.

you’ve only just now noticed how many people had felt nauseous, hands shaking; re-experiencing the worst moment of their life only for you to redirect it onto yourself. you know you do. you know you’ve hurt people, and you feel like absolute shit for it.

behind the makeup, pretenses, and soft air you have around you; behind pretending to have grown up, to take care of others, your passive-aggression being unnoticed (because you micromanage yourself), bitterness has built up.

you haven't grown out of your early twenties though. look at your actions.

you’re dating a girl thirteen years younger than you, and she’s effortlessly pointing out all of the flaws you’ve had since your twenties.

she’s twenty. she’s beautiful and gorgeous and her smile is lovely. she laughs, she’s genuine, and she’s.. almost pure. she’s vulnerable and she loves you.

her status says: i heed the word of wounded dogs; my pain becomes my strength.

you think you don’t deserve her.

sometimes, you think that she perceives your mental issues requires simple effort. but it’s a lot more than effort; it’s medical and chronic and you’re unable to be there and present.

your communication about that though? absolute shit.

she needed you there, you know. you couldn’t be around for it because of your brain zaps and medicine withdrawal.

you weren’t kidding when you said she.. was your joy. is your joy. she can’t be though. you know she can’t. it’s not fair on her, and you’re worried about burdening her. she already developed resentment, the last thing you wanted was to hurt her.

you two talked.

you wanted her to live. you couldn’t be what she needed. and what she needed, you’re aware of this too well, is the bare fucking minimum and you couldn’t even give her that.

she was.. she wanted you to meet in the middle. she heard you out. a part of you felt like she was manipulative, but she wasn’t. she was just.. being honest. you needed to remember that she was twenty and that you’re thirty-three.

she loves you, but you don’t love yourself. you’re disgusted with yourself.

she is the unconscious mirror and representation of everything you’ve hated about yourself. you say you wished you met her when you were in her twenties, that you two could’ve been unstoppable.

she just says: we met in our own time; whatever happens. we communicate with each other.

at first, it was a refreshing breeze. it was something light; something… easy.

and then things went to shit because of your own communication issues. guilt constantly piles up on you, and so you’re trying to cope ouwardly using your senses. but it still looms over you.

god has a strange, strange sense of humor in that light.

you think you’re an absolute monster, don’t you? you say that the guilt has been eating you alive. but you haven’t.. changed. not fully. you change; stop midway, and then do it all over again.

the only reason why you’ve gotten away with it is because you managed to soften it. you’re self-aware. you say all the right things but your actions are shit. you say you’re worried you haven’t been able to give back as much as she does, but you sometimes keep her second-guessing everything.

she points out that your communication needs to be worked on.

you know. you’ve hurt her, and you know that. this relationship is heavy and you almost want to revert back to your bad habits of just flinging yourself to the next person, but things like this has happened before. things were ripped away from you.

there’s no other way around it.

you agree, but.. how can you communicate if you’re not even present with yourself? when emotions are there as a burst of energy, you can’t even control it at times.

all your life you had to constantly take care of others. you’re only just now breaking out of it.

you don’t notice you’re repeating the same cycle you had with your bully. with your ex. with yourself. you didn’t take the time to introspect and contemplate; but now is the time.

honesty without kindness is brutality. kindness without honesty is manipulation. and you are afraid of being honest. you’re afraid to be present. you’re afraid, and you know it. you’re constantly hiding behind your health issues in favor of letting your emotions dictate your actions, and that’s a problem.

you’re self-aware how bad this looks on you. you’re aware and you keep running away.

yes, we get it. you have severe mental and physical issues that you constantly face. you have a million things thrown at you at all times; job, health, family, friends, and pets. there’s always something happening, something is going on. C-PTSD, ADHD, DPD, and a whole others more listed down the line.

yet, in the background, you hide your problematic behaviors with other close friends. you hide your degradation. you hide the consequences of your actions. you self-sabotage and it’s an upward climb with a boulder fucking hurled your way.

you want to know why?

because these are complex things; things outside of your control, and things of your doing. at the moment, you did this. and you’re trying to fix it, which is good!! good for you!! it’s been long since overdue!!!! all of your habits and patterns, all of the things that previously bought you comfort is/has been uprooted!

here’s my thing: this is just sad.

the thing is that you’re not being honest with yourself. you’re burying your grief in working yourself to death. there’s no dirt when you bury your grief six feet into the ground.

you’re blind to see that though.

instead of dirt, there are maggots. you’re not burying it, you’re letting maggots fly and eat off your skin. your shovel has chipped off at this rate, and there’s no one in that casket except you. you’re in denial. you ignore your issues until they blow up in your face. you're too aware, it's not an easy fix, etc etc. okay. sure.

but even with all of that, it's not an excuse. you're not taking accountability. at least not yet. not sure if this social media break will help you, but we'll have to see.

you know, there’s light at the end of the tunnel. i just hope you make it there before backing out of it.

[theunfairfolk]

the spirit is unwilling and the flesh it feels not so good also

[orcawhvle]

you could say he’s kind of a family guy

[theredoesnotexist]

Autistic trauma is so devastating and yet so corny. You'll be doing everything perfectly normal in public but someone will sneer at you and you'll spend an hour agonizing over yourself like "fuck what if no one told me it was Don't Wear Yellow Thursday"

[muzzledmikey]

sometimes im like "wow holy shit im being really fucking annoying. i should stop talking" and then i pull out my magic 8 ball and it says "youve always been annoying and your friends chose to talk you anyways. youll be fine" and im like wow thanks magic 8 ball. and then the ogre attacks me

[kiyomitakada]

liking an unpopular ship is like being dehydrated in a desert and liking a popular ship is like being dehydrated in the middle of the pacific ocean. you understand

[whereisthesun]

I HATE MORAL OCD. well i shouldnt say hate thats a strong word. and i dont want to sound like i hate people WITH moral ocd because i dont of course. i just hate having it. but i shouldnt think that, i do like having morals, its just stressful to be thinking about them so constantly and scrutinizing every little thing i do or think. but really thats the least i could do so i should at least try, right? just because i suffer from— no, struggle with moral ocd doesn’t mean i should just stop thinking about things all together, thats not what im saying and i should make that clear, but i

[spikehunter]

the xbox is a Machine. the playstation is a Device. the switch is a Toy. the personal computer is also a Machine. what the world needs, is a way to play video games on a Contraption

[artbyblastweave]

I remember meeting a guy at a bar a year or so ago who told me he worked at the international consortium that does the porn parodies of all the top-grossing film releases. He said that the whole Barbenheimer situation presented his combine with some spectacular highs and lows. Because he said that with Barbie, right, the thing about Barbie is that there's already kind of a three-way ideatic, structural parallel between the curated artificiality of Barbie as a children's toy, the curated artificiality of Barbie as a mass market film, and the curated artificiality of pornography as a genre. Add on top of that that Barbie as a film is already feeling this tension, right where it's trying to be about a character graduating from the platonic sexlessness of a children's franchise to the functional-and-frank sexuality of being a living human woman, but it's also being bogged down in the "Everyone-is-beautiful-no-one-is-horny" aesthetic restrictions of any contemporary big-budget mass-market film so the two states end up looking pretty similar, he said. I mean the film itself is very aware of that tension, right, with that joke about how "casting Margot Robbie is the wrong move if you want to make that point," all that jazz. So, all that in mind, Barbie-themed pornography, he said, is in a weird way actually kind of complementary to the extant project, gesturing at unaddressed tensions and ideas, a dark mirror, the shadow self it wants to deny but can't, there's a lot of room to play in the space. He used the adjective "Lynchian" a couple of times, he seemed super stoked, he was talking with his hands. Oppenheimer, on the other hand. Oppenheimer he said presented a problem. Because obviously you can eroticize the detonation of an atomic bomb, we're all probably three mutuals removed from someone on this site who does exactly that, but obviously that's a niche market, and moreover it's a market that has a ton of overlap with high-minded thinkers who treat the historical use of atomic weapons against Japan with the level of gravity that atrocity demands. So they were stuck. They were really stuck. He told me that they'd been pulling their hair out for months trying to square the circle and all they had to show for it was a big whiteboard with the phrase "Grope-nheimer" written on it

[darcyolsson]

in loving memory of tumblr's april fools' pranks 💐 2014 - 2024

icymi, tumblr used to do an elaborate april fool's prank every year, but this year they suddenly stopped. here's a somewhat detailed recap of everything they did over the decade:

2013 - mishapocalypse (honourable mention): tumblr staff didn’t start doing april fools until 2014, but the mishapocalypse happened on tumblr in 2013 and i feel like this list would be incomplete without it

2014 - tumblrpro: upon opening your dash you were greeted by an “inspirational” video, that ended with the option to get “tumblrpro (for free)”. all it did was put a top hat on your icon.

2015 - tumblr executivesuite/coppy: a copying machine appeared in the corner of your dash. it would offer tips on how to use tumblr, like clippy the paperclip used to do in microsoft word. as the day went on, it slowly broke down and died right in front of your eyes. many people hated him (but not me). you could also make a (small) spreadsheet. @executivesuite2016 is the official blog.

2016 - this is decision/lizard election/tumblrdecides: a parody of the 2016 US elections. there were 4 lizards (well, one of them turned out to be a salamander in a scandal) to vote for. the dash looked different and there was a live news report with election updates, as well as an election blog for each lizard. they all had their own slogans and you would get an "i voted" button after you voted that would get slapped next to your icon. there were built-in functions to make an election poster for your favourite lizard and to create a text post that supported your lizard of choice that autogenerated a statement for all your followers to read. imo tumblr’s april fools peak. @thisisdecision2016-blog is the official blog, @mop-2016-blog @wretchedtooth @timefordeborah-blog were candidates. rick also had a blog (rick-official) but that now seems to have vanished because he ended up dropping out of the election. mop won, if you're curious. by far the most elaborate prank tumblr ever did.

2017 - horse friend: a tamagotchi-inspired game where you had to take care of a little horse in the corner of your screen. it came with a randomly generated name, and you had to feed and clean up after it. if you didnt take good care of it, it died. you could then hatch (yes, hatch) a new one. there was also an option to look at the names of all your dead horses. this is now available to buy in the tumblr shop. @horse-friends is the official blog.

2018 - tumblcoin: a parody of cryptocurrency (this was the year bitcoin took off). you could ‘invest’ in tumblcoin, with which you could in turn buy things with to spice up your dash, including last year’s horse friend, coppy from 2015, and a frame for around your icon. you could share the amount of tumblcoin you owned in an automatically generated gif post which would be tagged #tbc2018 and #tumblcoin. @tumblcoin is the official blog.

2019 - @memories: this blog still functions the way it did on april fools itself! it's like mad libs, where it takes post templates and then adds in tags you use a lot and users you frequently interact with on your main blog. like a personalized shitpost bot.

2020 - group chat prank/@storybot: it was so hard to find info on this because it was contained entirely in the now-defunct group chat function, which no one used. i had to go through the notes of this post for information because no one cared enough to actually write anything explaining it. turns out, you could write a story with your mutuals by adding storybot to your group chat. it also kept working after april fools (well, up until the group chats were deleted) just like memories. many people missed out on it entirely because they did not use the group chat function.

2021 - tumblcryptids: tumblr allowed you to adopt “non-fungible tumblcryptids”, a parody of NFTs. clicking a button that said "Summon thy Tumblrcryptid" would spawn an image of a little blob-shaped creature with a short description, which would always read "Hi! My name is [randomly generated name]. I love [thing most people like]. I hate [thing most people dislike]. Like my parent, I can't get enough of #[tag from your main blog]." you could share them in a post, which would automatically add the tag #NFTumblcryptids to your post. and yes, people on the piss on the poor website freaked out about it because they thought they were real NFTs harming the environment. @tumblcryptidadoptioncenter is the official blog.

2022 - click-a-thon: when you clicked a light switch on your dashboard, a bunch of colourful things showed up, like a sponge you could move around, an "engagament meter", clickable buttons, and a “Summon Crab!” button, which would summon a crab when you clicked it. you could. the crabs, like horse friend, are still available in the tumblr store as of 2025. here's some screenshots. there were various ways to share your crab activities, which would all get tagged #april fools 2022. the prank was presented as a marketing technique created by Brick Whartley, a fictional businessman character created by tumblr, who (afaik) originated in a post on the official blog of the 2018 april fools prank, albeit originally in a different role. around this time he also started functioning as the mascot for tumblr's shop ( @emporium )

2023 - abstract reactions (emoji reacts): buttons were added to every post that allowed you to add emoji reactions, many of them based on tumblr inside jokes (horse as a reference to horse plinko/horse friend, vanilla for the vanilla extract meme, pikaman, bug for bug race, and brick whartley, who wasn't a meme but staff really wanted him to be). if one specific emoji was used a certain amount of times it would add an effect to the post, eg many cheese emoji reacts would cover the post in cheese. this was also attributed to Brick Whartley ("his" blog @brickwhartley also documented the day)

2024 - boop-o-meter: allowed you to “boop” other users who had opted in to the booping, like facebook’s poke feature back in the day. depending on how long you held the button, you would either boop, super boop, or evil boop. on the dashboard there was a counter for both how many times you had booped others and how many times others had booped you, as well as how many boops were given side-wide. when booping someone, an image of a cat paw appeared. you would get badges (which can still be used) for booping 1, 100 and 1000 times. if you gave/received more than 999 boops, the counter would switch to showing a three-letter word (see this post for specifics). this was brought back for halloween 2024 (as BOOp-o-meter. get it), with a ghost, skeleton and mummy paw. no official blog, but here's an official recap for april first from staff. i believe this was the only april fools prank that was mobile user friendly.

2025 - @fandom is running some polls, i guess

[sushiisiu]

im not gay greg.jpg

[nanamisweetgirl]

🜼 ⋆ trying to be sneaky and ride nanami whilst he only agreed for cockwarming.

you’re in his lap, straddling him, fully seated on his cock—and he hasn’t moved in ten minutes.

his hand rests loosely around your waist. the other? flipping pages in the open file on his desk, highlighter cap between his teeth, eyes lazily scanning fine print as if he’s not balls-deep inside you.

your thighs tremble. your panties are shoved to the side, the head of his cock kissing your cervix in a way that makes your lower belly ache. he hasn’t even fucked you yet. just sat you down on it and said, calm as ever, “be still for me. just a little while.”

a little while feels like forever.

his cock is hot and thick inside you, stretching you perfectly, pulsing with every beat of his heart—and you swear it twitches every time you breathe too loud.

you whimper, hips shifting just slightly to ease the ache.

his fingers dig into your hip without looking up.

“don’t.”

you freeze.

his voice is low, not mean—but there’s a warning in it. a sharpness.

“sweet girl,” he murmurs, highlighting a sentence, “if you can’t sit still with my cock in you, maybe i’ll make you kneel under the desk instead. would you like that?”

you whimper again, leaning into his chest.

he finally looks at you—over the rim of his glasses, eyes lazy but stern.

“what is it?”

you pout. “just wanna move a little…”

he chuckles, the pad of his thumb rubbing soft circles on your waist. “you’re already so greedy. i let you warm me, and now you want more?”

his tone is light, but then your hips roll again—just a twitch—and he hisses through his teeth, grip tightening hard around your hips.

“stop.”

your breath catches.

he sets the file down finally, eyes meeting yours, jaw tense.

“i’m trying to concentrate here, sweet girl,” he says lowly, voice laced with heat and restraint. “if i start fucking you now, i’m not getting any work done.”

your cunt clenches around him involuntarily. his eyelids flutter.

“…don’t do that either,” he mutters. you blink up at him. “do what?”

“that thing you just did,” he growls, suddenly sliding his hands under your ass and grinding you down once, hard, making you cry out. “you’re gonna make me lose my patience.”

and then he pauses—looks back at the file.

sighs. like this is just another delay in his long day.

“…five more minutes,” he murmurs, adjusting you in his lap. “and then i’ll give you what you want. until then…”

his lips ghost your ear.

“don’t. fucking. move.”

[aropride]

they should make being from california illegal [remembers im highly critical of policing and the law as institutions] we should restructure society so that nobody is from california

[brightdeadthing]

love as recognition

anna gavalda / friedrich nietzsche / clarice lispector / jandy nelson / rebecca perry / mhairi mcfarlane

[katabasiss]

do you guys think jesus, the son of a carpenter, smelt the wood of the cross & temporarily thought of home