#avoidance behavior

[nmjackson]

Same Shit, Different Day (・―・) | Identify and Address Avoidance Behaviors Through "Why's"

The longest running joke about writing is how writer's often avoid it like the plague. The joke's on me, too.

A word of warning if you continue reading, things are about to get serious.

I've touched on the topic of writer's block in previous posts. I've even made a flow chart to make it easier to find out which type of writer's block a fellow writer might be facing. Still, I suppose it doesn't hurt to break things down a bit further.

Down to its essence, writer's block is a type of avoidance behavior. Avoidance behavior can come from a number of things. Usually though, it's how you'd probably imagined it. Something is painful, you avoid it. Something is scary, you avoid it. Something is uncomfortable, you avoid it. It's not your fault, it's how we're wired as human beings. It's how we've survived.

Writer's block comes from these same feelings. It's painful, scary and uncomfortable. On top of that, our minds have thoughts of their own. Deeply- rooted insecurities (fear of failure, perfectionism, imposter syndrome) lead many writers down the path of procrastination. And, no, procrastination is not created equal imo.

You've got the positive kind- overplanning, nitpicking, doing chores.

The neutral kind- doom scrolling, reading, gaming, going out.

Then the destructive kind- anything that has to do with self- harm and/or harming others.

Yes, this post is definitely an oversimplification of avoidance behavior. However, what I'm trying to get through to those avoiding their writing projects at this very moment is that writing shouldn't be something to be feared if it's something you genuinely want to do.

Here's your homework. ⬇

Keep asking yourself "why" to uncover the root-cause of your avoidance to writing and/or finishing your current project.

For example:

"Why am I not writing?"

I don't have time.

"Why don't I have time?

I'm always doing chores.

"Why am I prioritizing chores over writing?"

Chores feel more urgent.

"Why do they feel urgent?"

Because writing is scary.

"Why does writing feel scary?"

I'm afraid it won't turn out good.

Now we have an answer. The Fear of Imperfection is what's actually causing the avoidance of your writing. Look, I know some of my posts come off strong, or silly, but if the reason why you don't write is because you think no one believes that you can.

I do.

I believe in your hard work.

I believe that you have the ability to get that book out of your head and into the hands of happy readers.

Yes, you can.

Hope this helps. Happy writing. ✌︎︎♡⃛

[comfreyhollywings]

so what if you feel strongly towards every single thing and every person that walks down your street and the coffee mug that sits in front of you? what if you wanted (and still want) to be loved and cherished? what if you wanted to hope and you wanted it to hurt?

so what if you wanted to be alive?? so what if you wanted to thrive and be in pain?

like, why hope so desperately for something, or someone, and have that same thing stab you? once on your nerves, the other noosed around your neck, and the final blow on your heart.

so what if it wasn’t logical? what if it wasn’t practical?? what if you were childish, reckless, and impulsive over your feelings; throwing yourself hard into whatever may love you back because you were so desperately starved of care??

you’re a little masochistic like that.

it’s understandable. it’s logical if people consider where you came from.

touch starved and emotionally isolated. self-sabotaging and horrible at changing things. you're emotional in turn, and you don't always look at the logic behind emotional reactions. you think routines and items for your self-care will solve the problem.

they don't. your injuries since childhood requires more than that. it cycles. and you're not always aware of how they play out in your life since 1.) you're a workaholic, 2.) you're not present with yourself, and 3.) you're shit at compromise.

my thing is, you never really took notice over how others reacted to you. you know. you never noticed how people were willing to let you be safe and sound; only for you to feel antsy and rip that away from yourself. you never noticed how avoidant you were; always with running shoes on, hands tightening around the fabric of your pants. it’s the same hands you shook your bully’s hand with a decade later, your teeth grinding against each other.

(he died a decade later. you confessed to me that you were happy about that. six feet in the grave. you told me that you were a monster. i don’t think so. i just think you just never grew up.)

you’ve been a victim, yes. but you’ve also hurt others too. and you’re aware of that fact.

sex, drinks, and being neck-deep in your feelings. you’re tired. you want to feel things. you have addictions you don’t really talk about, but it’s there. you isolate yourself because you don’t want things to end up like your ex, so.. you’ve thrown yourself into flings and one night stands here and there. you’ve went into surface level relationships. things that could scratch an itch for you.

you've thrown yourself into something like that again. you've kept doing it; told others that "i don't really expect anything when i give so why should others expect anything from me".

that's unfair. you didn't see it until now.

but this. this is. this isn’t a fling. this is like a fucking mirror that you can’t take at times. it's anything but a fling or a one night stand.

it's strange and bewildering and confusing. it's lovely, but it's also hell. because now you're snapped rudely awake.

you’ve only just now noticed how many people had felt nauseous, hands shaking; re-experiencing the worst moment of their life only for you to redirect it onto yourself. you know you do. you know you’ve hurt people, and you feel like absolute shit for it.

behind the makeup, pretenses, and soft air you have around you; behind pretending to have grown up, to take care of others, your passive-aggression being unnoticed (because you micromanage yourself), bitterness has built up.

you haven't grown out of your early twenties though. look at your actions.

you’re dating a girl thirteen years younger than you, and she’s effortlessly pointing out all of the flaws you’ve had since your twenties.

she’s twenty. she’s beautiful and gorgeous and her smile is lovely. she laughs, she’s genuine, and she’s.. almost pure. she’s vulnerable and she loves you.

her status says: i heed the word of wounded dogs; my pain becomes my strength.

you think you don’t deserve her.

sometimes, you think that she perceives your mental issues requires simple effort. but it’s a lot more than effort; it’s medical and chronic and you’re unable to be there and present.

your communication about that though? absolute shit.

she needed you there, you know. you couldn’t be around for it because of your brain zaps and medicine withdrawal.

you weren’t kidding when you said she.. was your joy. is your joy. she can’t be though. you know she can’t. it’s not fair on her, and you’re worried about burdening her. she already developed resentment, the last thing you wanted was to hurt her.

you two talked.

you wanted her to live. you couldn’t be what she needed. and what she needed, you’re aware of this too well, is the bare fucking minimum and you couldn’t even give her that.

she was.. she wanted you to meet in the middle. she heard you out. a part of you felt like she was manipulative, but she wasn’t. she was just.. being honest. you needed to remember that she was twenty and that you’re thirty-three.

she loves you, but you don’t love yourself. you’re disgusted with yourself.

she is the unconscious mirror and representation of everything you’ve hated about yourself. you say you wished you met her when you were in her twenties, that you two could’ve been unstoppable.

she just says: we met in our own time; whatever happens. we communicate with each other.

at first, it was a refreshing breeze. it was something light; something… easy.

and then things went to shit because of your own communication issues. guilt constantly piles up on you, and so you’re trying to cope ouwardly using your senses. but it still looms over you.

god has a strange, strange sense of humor in that light.

you think you’re an absolute monster, don’t you? you say that the guilt has been eating you alive. but you haven’t.. changed. not fully. you change; stop midway, and then do it all over again.

the only reason why you’ve gotten away with it is because you managed to soften it. you’re self-aware. you say all the right things but your actions are shit. you say you’re worried you haven’t been able to give back as much as she does, but you sometimes keep her second-guessing everything.

she points out that your communication needs to be worked on.

you know. you’ve hurt her, and you know that. this relationship is heavy and you almost want to revert back to your bad habits of just flinging yourself to the next person, but things like this has happened before. things were ripped away from you.

there’s no other way around it.

you agree, but.. how can you communicate if you’re not even present with yourself? when emotions are there as a burst of energy, you can’t even control it at times.

all your life you had to constantly take care of others. you’re only just now breaking out of it.

you don’t notice you’re repeating the same cycle you had with your bully. with your ex. with yourself. you didn’t take the time to introspect and contemplate; but now is the time.

honesty without kindness is brutality. kindness without honesty is manipulation. and you are afraid of being honest. you’re afraid to be present. you’re afraid, and you know it. you’re constantly hiding behind your health issues in favor of letting your emotions dictate your actions, and that’s a problem.

you’re self-aware how bad this looks on you. you’re aware and you keep running away.

yes, we get it. you have severe mental and physical issues that you constantly face. you have a million things thrown at you at all times; job, health, family, friends, and pets. there’s always something happening, something is going on. C-PTSD, ADHD, DPD, and a whole others more listed down the line.

yet, in the background, you hide your problematic behaviors with other close friends. you hide your degradation. you hide the consequences of your actions. you self-sabotage and it’s an upward climb with a boulder fucking hurled your way.

you want to know why?

because these are complex things; things outside of your control, and things of your doing. at the moment, you did this. and you’re trying to fix it, which is good!! good for you!! it’s been long since overdue!!!! all of your habits and patterns, all of the things that previously bought you comfort is/has been uprooted!

here’s my thing: this is just sad.

the thing is that you’re not being honest with yourself. you’re burying your grief in working yourself to death. there’s no dirt when you bury your grief six feet into the ground.

you’re blind to see that though.

instead of dirt, there are maggots. you’re not burying it, you’re letting maggots fly and eat off your skin. your shovel has chipped off at this rate, and there’s no one in that casket except you. you’re in denial. you ignore your issues until they blow up in your face. you're too aware, it's not an easy fix, etc etc. okay. sure.

but even with all of that, it's not an excuse. you're not taking accountability. at least not yet. not sure if this social media break will help you, but we'll have to see.

you know, there’s light at the end of the tunnel. i just hope you make it there before backing out of it.

[greenwoodbotanics10]

Is Your Fear More Than Just a Fear? Discover the Key Symptoms of Phobias and How to Overcome Them

Is Your Fear More Than Just a Fear? Discover the Key Symptoms of Phobias Phobias are more than just a simple fear—they’re overwhelming, irrational responses to specific objects, situations, or thoughts. For those who experience phobias, everyday life can feel like navigating a world full of hidden dangers. But how do you know if what you’re experiencing is more than just a common fear?…

[theaspirationsinstitute]

Explore the concept of #avoidance and how it impacts your personal and professional life. Learn strategies to overcome avoidance and unlock your full #leadership potential.

[bixels]

in case you wanna know how bad things are on twitter rn.

[rainbow-roomies]

The existence of beatlemania proves that there are a lot more lesbians in the world than we think

[visenyaism]

Not to lose my woke card but. I do not think teachers are fascists for getting kids to ask permission before they leave to go to the bathroom

[jester-gestures]

Hey. Hey you. Do not try to make your communities palatable to people who will hate you regardless. Do not throw the "weird ones" of your community under the bus. It will not save you. It will only exclude the people who need the most protection

Be weird, don't let them force you to change yourself or your communities. For fucks sake, do not become palatable‼️

[feygaleh]

zionists really diluted the term kapo. it truly used to be one of the worst fucking insults a jew could call another jew. now it’s just like… synonymous with “traitor” in my mind. “STUPID SELF HATING KAPO TOKENIZING YOURSELF. SELLING OUT YOUR OWN PEOPLE!! TRAITOR!! JUDENRAT!!” and it’s bc i said apartheid and genocide are bad. like. ok lol.

[comfreyhollywings]

me, about to do something without thinking about them in the back of my head for 0.5 seconds after being tortured with social anxiety for two months:

them, with watery eyes: nOOo DONT LEAVE

me: oh, okay i guess i won'tㅡ

them: [ proceeds to do something with their actions that tell me otherwise ]

them: [actions -> indirectly telling me that they're paying attention to something/someone else and that they're obviously emotionally unavailable atm]

them, doesn't answer until once in a blue moon;

me:

me:

me: huh i guess i'll dip anyway

[solarmorrigan]

oooh. fic requests! how about 6 - fight or 19 - allergies for steddie?

Hello! I'm sorry it took so long to get to this one, but I hope it's alright! I went with:

6. Fight - Steddie

cw: implied/referenced child abuse, implied/referenced domestic violence, unhealthy relationship dynamics (not between Eddie and Steve)

-

The most frustrating thing about fighting with Steve is that he doesn’t fight. Not really.

Sure, he’ll poke and he’ll prod and he’ll snip and he’ll snap; he’ll dole out bitchy, passive aggressive comments and roll his eyes and sigh pointedly, but the moment things get heated, the moment an argument gets real, it’s just–

“Fine. Fine,” Steve snaps, tossing his hands up with an exasperated huff. “You’re right, okay? I’m– I’m sorry.”

And at first, Eddie had always felt so vindicated, so flush with the triumph of winning an argument, that it had taken him a while to realize that it felt– wrong. That Steve—so confident, so sure in his opinions, so willing to stand up to people when he has something to defend—would just give in without a fight– it feels wrong.

So Eddie had tried to pay attention – really pay attention. They don’t fight often, but when an argument inevitably does crop up, Eddie always wins. Rather, Steve always lets him. He never raises his voice, never gets in Eddie’s face, never really even makes counterarguments. He cedes to Eddie’s points and then subsides and it’s– it’s infuriating, because Eddie doesn’t understand.

“Don’t do that,” Eddie growls, tugging a frustrated hand through his hair.

“Don’t– what? Don’t apologize?” Steve asks incredulously.

“No!” Eddie bursts out. “Not if you don’t mean it!”

“Excuse me?” Steve draws back, offended. “What the hell do you want me to do to prove I’m sincere? Get on my knees and fucking grovel?”

“That’s not–” Eddie leaves off with a frustrated noise, trying hard to keep his tone level. “I don’t want to win an argument just because you let me. I don’t want you to apologize just because you think it’s what I want to hear.”

“I’m not letting you win,” Steve says quickly, crossing his arms over his chest.

“You are, though. You do. Every time. You won’t actually engage, you just say I’m right and then clam up and that’s it,” Eddie says.

Steve levels him with a look of disbelief. “So– what, you want me to yell at you? You want me to tell you that you’re wrong?”

“I want–” Eddie pinches the bridge of his nose, taking a second to gather his thoughts. “I want you to feel like you’re allowed to argue with me. I don’t want you to just give in and then resent me or something.”

“I don’t resent you, Eddie,” Steve says with a roll of his eyes.

“No?” Eddie pushes. “How many times have we gone to bed after an argument with me perfectly satisfied, thinking I’ve won, while you’re actually still mad at me?”

“That’s– I don’t…” Steve shifts uncomfortably. “If I’m still mad, that’s my problem. I can just get over it.”

“But that’s exactly what I mean!” Eddie insists. “That shit builds up! And besides, what if you’re the one who’s really right? I might actually be wrong, and you should tell me. Or maybe there’s some kind of, like, compromise we can reach, I don’t know! I don’t want you to be afraid to push back – I don’t want you to be afraid of me.”

“I’m not afraid of you,” Steve says, jaw jutting out stubbornly when Eddie fixes him with a considering look. “I’m not. I’m just– how long before yelling turns into a screaming match? How long before it turns into throwing shit around, or– or shoving each other, or worse?”

“Steve…” Eddie murmurs, the last of his heated frustration draining away, leaving a clammy kind of dismay in its place. “Steve, I would never do any of those things to you.”

“I know,” Steve says, and it sounds like he means it. “I know that. But what if I–”

“No,” Eddie says firmly, because he thinks he understands now – Steve isn’t afraid of him, he’s afraid of himself. Afraid of turning into everything he’d been raised around: the blowout arguments between his parents, his mom’s petty destruction of his dad’s things, his dad’s frustration turned back on Steve, a cycle of violent familial bullshit that Steve is determined to break free from, even if it means saying that he’s wrong every time. Eddie comes forward, grabbing Steve’s hands; he can’t even remember what they’d been arguing about moments before, but he knows he doesn’t care anymore. “You would never do that. I know you, Steve, you are nothing like that.”

Steve looks down at their joined hands, blinking rapidly. “This– you… You’re more important than winning. Than any stupid argument,” he says.

“That’s exactly why we should have stupid arguments,” Eddie says, grinning a little when that gets a choked laugh out of Steve. “I’m serious. Let’s have stupid, petty arguments so they don’t turn into big ones. I swear I’m not going to stay mad if you get on my ass about not doing the dishes.”

Slowly, Steve nods. He doesn’t entirely look like he believes Eddie, but that’s fine. It’s always been like this – Steve unwilling (or unable) to believe that someone will love him if he doesn’t make it easy for them. Eddie’s been breaking that down, bit by bit, and this is no different. This is no chore.

“I’ll still love you even when I’m angry. Even when you’re angry,” Eddie promises. “I just love you, full stop.”

Steve nods again, more certain this time as he looks up to meet Eddie’s eyes. “I love you, too,” he says, because he always, always says it back, which suits Eddie just fine.

He figures if they can agree on that much, every other disagreement will be a breeze.

[rambunctioustoons]

little closer than normal.

half re-draw, half doodling out scenes!

[untitledgoosegay]

re last reblog I do see fanfic culture pushing/replicating a certain model of "what trauma looks like," "how trauma works"

this is a problem across all areas of society obviously, but transformative works are, well, transformative. they're about crafting and modifying narratives where the fan-creator sees a flaw or a lack -- often for the better! don't get me wrong, I've done my fair share of "I take a hammer and I fix the canon," it's the main thing that gets my creative gears spinning -- but what happens when that "flaw" is simply a narrative not conforming to popular expectations?

some people just don't get PTSD from events that sound obviously traumatic. they're not masking, and they're not coping; they just straight-up didn't get the permanently-locked stress-response that defines PTSD. they walk away from a horrible experience going "well, that sucked, but it's over now." some people do get PTSD from events most people wouldn't find traumatic. we don't really know why some people get PTSD and others don't. but fandom has an idea of events that must be traumatizing, of a "correct" way to portray trauma. you see the problems with this lack of understanding in e.g. fans pressuring the devs of Baldur's Gate 3 to add dialogue where the player character badgers Halsin about his own feelings on his abuse -- because he must be traumatized, and his trauma must fit a certain mold and presentation of sexual trauma, under the mistaken impression that anything outside that narrow window is somehow "wrong" and disrespectful or even harmful to survivors.

take, for another example, the very common trope of a traumatized character who hates touch or sex "learning" to like touch or sex as a part of their healing process. certainly that can be healing for some people; other people will never like, or want, touch or sex, because of trauma or because they just don't. the assumption that someone who doesn't want sex or doesn't like to be touched must be traumatized, must be suffering from this perceived lack, is seriously harmful -- to asexual people, to people with sensory issues around touch, and to people for whom healing from trauma means freedom to refuse sex or touch.

and there's a secondary trope, one that's slightly more thoughtful but ultimately repeats the problem -- that once someone has learned that their boundaries will be respected, they'll feel it's safe to soften those boundaries. once they feel safe refusing touch or sex, they'll feel comfortable allowing it on their own terms. but many people don't, and many people won't! many people will simply never want to be touched, and never want sex, and they are not suffering or broken or lacking because of it. the idea that proving you'll respect someone's boundaries entitles you to test those boundaries -- the paradox is obvious, and yet this is something i've seen hurt (re-traumatize) people i care for.

people are imperfect victims. people don't heal in the ways you expect. many people have positive memories of their abuse, of their abusers. many people hurt others in the course of their trauma, in ways that can't easily be unpacked in a 5k oneshot. very few narratives of trauma and recovery actually fit the ones put forward by popular children's media and romance novels -- which are the ones I most see replicated in fandom spaces, because they provide the clearest narrative and easiest catharsis, and so they're easy and soothing to reach for.

that's not necessarily a bad thing! i am not immune to goopy romance tropes. i am not immune to teary catharsis. not every fic has to grapple with ugly realities. but there's a problem when these narratives become predominant, when people think they're accurate and realistic depictions of trauma, when the truth of trauma is unpleasant and uncomfortable, and doesn't fit any single narrative, let alone one of comforting catharsis

[glfry]

Can we agree that the "Thats two things" line from Mike was autistic as shit

[illmoraineakoi]

My biggest takeaway from the new vid is that Dark was very clearly the leader/dominant one in the friendship.

Chosen differs to him twice in the episode: once when Dark wanted to destroy his first house, and again when Dark wants to leave (likely bc Dark got bored/ran out of things to kill.)

Chosen might have instigated their escape, but he was not the leader afterwards. He differs to Dark's wishes and whims, possibly because he doesn't even known how to interact with another of his own kind.

@compressedrage recently made a post talking about how they characterize Chosen as being reactive, and I think that’s completely accurate. Chosen is reactive, with only a few moments of his life being proactive/instigatory.

He is not a leader. He is not the one in control.

Which makes what they do after make so much more sense.

Because this video clearly placed their MC Beta excursion between their attack on Yahoo and Stick Page.

This is the puzzle piece we’ve been missing. This is the reason why their attacks changed from simple wanton destruction to slaughter.

And it’s because DARK was the proactive one, not Chosen, and Dark found the Nether.

Dark became the leader.

Dark enjoyed killing in the nether so much, that when they left, he immediately sought to recreate/continue that experience. Except the things he was now killing weren’t random mobs, but other living Animated Beings.

(I’d like to mention the old theory that TCO and TDL thought sticks from Stick Page and Newgrounds were game mobs, because I think this video might give that idea merit again. TDL likely didn’t care one way or the other, but it might have taken TCO a while to realize it if all they’d encountered beforehand was game mobs.)

[This scene sticks out to me the most in regards to this:

I wonder if this is Chosen's first interaction with death. Sure, he'd killed the desktop icons before, twice, but he never seemed to ever acknowledge that or pay attention to it. Before now, it might not've even registered as a concern. His attention/priorities were elsewhere both times.]

[The scene reeks of parallels to Mitsi's death. The way he just stands there and stares...]

TCO does initially participate in the destruction of the Minecraft Beta world when they first arrive, and it’s likely he even enjoyed it, but it’s clear he enjoyed the peace and quiet more, because it’s what he kept doing.

Which makes it clear that his nature is completely different from Dark's; peaceful as opposed to aggressive. And it also makes it clear that Dark was just Like That from his very creation.

He was ALWAYS like this. We just never saw it in AvA3.

And this is where what their seeking to do differs between them.

Dark wants to keep killing, because he enjoys it. Chosen wants to just slow down and be free.

But Dark is the proactive one, and Chosen relents to him, potentially because he doesn't want to start a fight.

So they leave.

[jamiesfootball]

One of the things that hurts the most about Roy smacking the fork out of Jamie’s hand at Ola’s — aside from the show wanting to play for laughs what was an incredibly jarring moment. Like, there would have been other ways to accomplish the same joke of ‘haha, Jamie doesn’t know what he’s getting into’ without resorting to as violent a gesture that Jamie — with his known history of abuse and habit of flinching away from sudden potentially violent gestures — had to flinch and protectively cover his hands against his chest, reminding us, the audience, of that history of abuse. Roy could’ve pulled the plate and the fork away. He could’ve eaten the meatball Tom Wambsgans-style. He could’ve even glared him into putting it down.

But no, what hurts the most about that scene at Ola’s isn’t Roy snacking the fork out of Jamie’s hand. Or the waitress admonishing him like making a mess and wasting food was the problem. Or Roy apologizing to the waitress and then telling Jamie to clean up the mess

What hurts the most is in the next cut to him, Jamie actually has cleaned the mess off the wall