#without seeing anything related to her work. in case that clears anything up

[baisemains]

Elements of Desire

Chapter 1: Freaks & Geeks

single mom!sevika x fem!reader

word count: 2.8k

contains: fluff! just a meet cute really, timebomb as a plot device, age gap technically (reader is early 30’s)

description: your newest student clashing with your brightest might be the best thing that ever happened to you.

ao3 link | spotify playlist

next // sevika masterlist

It was a normal Thursday morning and you were on your way to your chemistry classroom, already late to prep for your first class when your phone beeps. Hearing the tell-tale ring of Outlook, you know it’s something important so you pull it out of your pocket and see that the school secretary has emailed you.

‘New student being added to your first period, updating your roster now.’'

You internally groan, you’ve officially hit max occupancy for the year and it’s only the first week of October.

Taking a deep breath, you reach your classroom and quickly start to put your things in the corner behind your desk before your students start arriving.

Hearing footsteps, you look up and see one of your favorite students, Ekko, walking in.

“Hey dude, ready for today’s quiz?”

He smiles at you, both of you already knowing the answer. Ekko is the top student in your class by a mile, you’ve got no worries when it comes to him.

“Of course, teach, when have I ever let you down?”

You laugh and go back to pulling out your materials for the day.

The rest of your class files in within the next few minutes, and you’re just about to start the day’s lesson when there’s a gentle knock on the door.

Walking over, you open the door confused and see a blue haired girl standing there, nervously twiddling with the straps of her backpack.

“Hi, I’m Powder, they told me this was my first period…?”

You school your face and usher her inside, smiling as she stands at the front of the class, unsure of what to do.

“Everybody, this is Powder, our new student. Make sure you help her out if she needs it, alright?”

Murmurs of agreement float around the room as you turn to Powder.

“Follow me, I’m gonna introduce you to your lab partner.”

You walk her to the very back row of tables and stop next to Ekko’s station.

“Powder, meet Ekko. Ekko, meet Powder, your new partner.”

Ekko looks up from where he was writing in his notebook and furrows his eyebrows.

“…What do you mean, my new partner? I thought you said I could go without one this year.”

“I did, before the district filled up my class and left me no choice.”

“That’s not fair! A partner is just gonna slow me down, I’m gonna have to help her and do my work!”

Ekko starts to plead his case with you, but you hear Powder shuffle behind you and you’re not having it.

“Hey. I know it’s not an ideal situation, dude, but we’ve gotta work with what we’ve got. Give her a chance before you say anything else, alright?”

You raise an eyebrow at him and his shoulders slump, knowing you’re right. He never could really be mad at his favorite teacher.

“Okay, teach, my bad.”

He clears his stuff off of the chair next to him and you gesture for Powder to sit down.

“I’ll be right back with an assessment, okay? Let’s see where your chemistry skills are at.”

You leave the two of them and walk back to your desk to grab a general knowledge test so you can gauge where Powder sits in relation to the rest of your class. You hope she’s at least got the basics down or you’ll really feel bad for making her Ekko’s partner.

Heading over and giving it to her, you tell her to take as long as she needs while you hand out the planned quiz to everyone else.

While the kids are doing that, you sit at your desk and start grading assignments from last class. You’ve barely gotten through a handful when Powder walks up to your desk. Assuming she needs help, you look up at her and smile.

“What’s up Powder?”

Her eyes flicker between you and your computer as she chews on her lip.

“Um, I…finished my test.”

You blink at her. Glancing at your clock, it’s barely been fifteen minutes when it should’ve taken her at least thirty, and that’s comparing it to your brightest students.

Smiling softly to not make her so nervous, you put your hand out and ask to see it.

Scanning it over, you’re in shock. Every answer seems correct so far and all her work is accounted for. You wonder for a second if Ekko had helped her but quickly shot down that thought when you remember how reluctant he was to have a lab partner.

“Powder, this looks…perfect. Have you taken chemistry before?”

She lets out a shy smile as she answers.

“No, I just really like math.”

The gears in your head begin to turn as you realize you may have a star student on your hands.

“That’s great to hear! You think you’d feel comfortable taking today’s quiz? It covers the last couple units we’ve been working on.”

Her smile broadens at that.

“Yeah, that sounds okay.”

By the end of class, Powder’s successfully caught up to the rest of the kids and is starting to become an active participant, much to Ekko’s chagrin.

The next couple weeks of classes pass by quickly, and a new rivalry begins to bloom between Ekko and Powder.

At first, you thought it was just friendly competition between partners but you soon realize it’s more than that.

One day, you hear bickering from the back of the classroom and see Powder trying to reach for a test tube Ekko is holding.

The closer you get, the better you understand them when you hear Ekko yell, “I don’t need your help with this, you’re just gonna jinx me!”

As he says that, he leans back and begins to tilt the test tube directly over the boy standing at the next station.

Almost as if in slow motion, you immediately leap forward and push him out of the way as the liquid pours onto the ground and sizzles.

The entire class goes silent as you stand there staring at your two best students, feeling the smoke pour out of your ears.

The dam finally breaks as you loudly scold them both about safety guidelines and the hazards of the chemicals they’re dealing with.

They have the decency to look embarrassed and apologize to their classmate when you tell them that you’ll be contacting their parents.

Both of them look at you in horror and beg you not to, but your mind is already made up and you head to your desk to email their parents about a conference as soon as possible.

Ekko’s parents are able to meet that evening, a lovely couple that you met at Back To School Night, who apologize profusely for their son’s actions.

You tell them how you’re not going to go too hard on their son because he’s usually your best student and you know this isn’t typical behavior from him, although you do expect him to clean up his act.

Ekko sincerely apologizes and you nod, shooting him a quick smile to let him know you accept.

They thank you for your time and promise that he will no longer be a problem in class, whisking him out of the room with a large hand gripping the back of his neck.

The next night, you’re set to meet Powder’s mom as she was busy the previous one.

Having zero idea what to expect, her very curt reply to your email asking to meet didn’t leave you a whole lot to work with.

You just hope she’s not one of those parents who expect the teacher to be their kid’s only disciplinarian, you have enough of those already.

It’s nearing five o’ clock, the designated time for your meeting so you start organizing your desk a bit, not wanting anyone to think you’re a slob.

As you’re facing away from the entrance, you hear a gentle knock from the doorway and as you turn around to face your visitors, you wish you had googled the name from your email.

The last thing you’d imagined Powder’s mom to be was the hottest woman you’d ever seen, but you remind yourself she was still a parent you needed to talk to, so before you think about it too much, you wave them over.

“Please come in, both of you.”

Powder walks in first, sheepish with her hands behind her back.

Her mom follows, and your eyes trace over her face, having to look up the closer she gets.

You notice her thick eyebrows, slightly furrowed at the moment, framing her daunting grey eyes. Short black hair caresses her face, threatening to hide it from view. Her nose is prominent, and you decide how well it suits her. She also has a labret piercing, which draws your attention to her thick lips, currently situated into a closed half smile.

You don’t even realize you’re looking at her mouth until she starts talking.

“Sevika, Powder’s mom.”

Her large hand stretches out towards you and when you slip your hand into hers, it takes a good amount of effort to not shake it for longer than necessary.

It’s surprisingly soft, even with all of the calluses you can feel, and pleasantly warm. You wonder if she was wearing gloves to protect them from the chilly fall air outside or if she's just blessed with good genes.

Introducing yourself as well, you remove your hand from hers and drop it to your side, already feeling like you’re missing something.

Now looking between the two, you think that Powder is maybe adopted – or looks like her dad, you dreadfully think to yourself – because she doesn’t bear any resemblance to the Amazon in front of you.

Before you can say anything else, the woman in front of you takes a step back and nudges Powder’s shoulder before stuffing both of her hands into the pockets of her leather jacket.

“Go ahead, tell her.”

Your eyes flick up to Sevika, who’s smirking at her daughter and you quickly look back down before you catch her eye.

“I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting lately, I never meant to let it go that far. I promise to lock in and be the student you deserve,” Powder declares with watery eyes, looking down at the floor when she’s done talking.

Pressing your lips together to contain your laugh, you close your eyes for a couple of seconds to gather yourself, finally opening them to see that Sevika is looking right at you.

Breaking the eye contact and clearing your throat, you look down at the girl in front of you and lay your hand on her shoulder.

“Thank you for apologizing Powder, it means a lot. I know you have what it takes to be an amazing student, you’ve been doing it this whole time. You just gotta quit the stuff with Ekko.”

She looks up at you at that, a defiant glint in her eye.

“You got it, teach,” she tells you through gritted teeth.

You giggle at her response, and then remember something else you wanted to bring up in this meeting, gesturing for both of them to sit at the station in the front row.

Grabbing a flyer from your desk, you walk back over and set it down in front of Sevika.

“So there’s a science fair coming up in the spring, and I think Powder should enter.”

Two pairs of eyes look up at you with matching lifted eyebrows, and for the first time tonight, you see a resemblance.

After laughing in your head, you continue on with your explanation.

“It’s open to all high schoolers in the state, and there’s a cash prize for the top three students; $10,000 for third, $25,000 for second, and $50,000 for first.”

Sevika’s eyes widen, letting her stoic mask slip for the first time tonight.

“The idea is to give them a head start on a college fund, but because the prize pool is so large, they require applications to even be able to conduct an actual project. They only accept the top 1,000 submissions, and then they cut it down to 100, but I really feel like Powder has a shot.”

You look between the two sitting in front you, gauging reactions.

Sevika chews the inside of her cheek as she glares at the flyer in front of her.

The first thing that enters her mind is just how life changing that money would be.

Powder's never wanted for anything, but it's also been a struggle to give her the best life Sevika feels she deserves, especially being a single mother.

'...50 grand for first place, huh?"

Sevika looks over the flyer skeptically for a few beats longer before passing it to Powder, who looks like she's about to faint from excitement.

You rub your hand on the back of your neck, suddenly feeling a bit embarrassed for just throwing the idea out there like that.

Sevika's grey eyes flick back over to you after observing her daughter for a couple seconds.

"How much work is a project like this gonna require?"

Breathing an internal sigh of relief, you feel like you have a shot to convince her.

“It is gonna take up most of her free time, until the spring, I won’t lie, but if she can pull this off, it’ll all be worth it.”

Sevika lets out a scoff at that, crossing her arms over her chest as she leans back in her chair.

"So I'm just supposed to let her spend months at your beck and call? No way, I-"

Powder suddenly slams her palm on the table before Sevika can protest further.

"Pleaseee, mom?”

Sevika looks down at her daughter, eyes narrowing at being cut off.

"This could seriously change my life, our life, and I promise it won't get in the way of my school work. I won't let you down.”

Sevika’s demeanor softens at that, seeing Powder’s determination reminds her of herself in a way.

After a few seconds of silence, Sevika turns back to where you’re standing and pierces you with a look.

“I’m not saying yes. I’ll think about it, but I do want you to send me more information about this thing.”

You nod fervently, grabbing the flyer and ripping a piece off the bottom to jot your number onto it.

Passing it to Sevika, you smile warmly.

“Of course, that sounds great. You’ll have my number if you need anything.”

She takes the slip, briefly touching your fingertips as she pulls it away, your cheeks heating up at the contact.

You look down at Powder, and she’s almost in tears with excitement.

Sevika rises from her chair and motions for Powder to follow as she stands in front of you.

“I’m serious about what I said. I want every bit of information you have on this, and then I’ll consider my answer.”

To punctuate her sentence, she sticks her hand out for another handshake, and this time, you grip her palm with the same energy she’s giving you, determined to show her that you’re serious about this.

“Of course, Sevika. You have my word.”

Her mouth twitches up into a small smile when you say her name, deciding she likes the way it sounds.

You notice her small gap for the first time, and feel a little swirl in your stomach.

“We’ll be in touch then, miss. Powder, let’s go babe, I gotta grab your sister and get dinner started.”

She drops your hand – slowly, you realize – and the two of them leave out the way they came, Powder clutching the flyer in hand and waving at you as they disappear from your sight.

Taking a seat in your desk chair, you start drafting up an email with more information about the science fair to Sevika, not wanting to waste any time.

It's almost an hour later when you're finally done detailing everything Sevika needs to know, and once you hit send, you lean back in your chair and finally let out the breath you'd been holding in.

The whole interaction left you feeling a bit frazzled, but not in a bad way.

You couldn't stop thinking about Sevika's face, the crinkle in her eyebrows whenever she looked at you, her eyes boring holes into your very soul.

Really, you can't help but be a bit frustrated at the fact you hadn't been able to stop staring at her the entire time, wondering what's wrong with you for thirsting over one of your students' moms.

With an annoyed groan, you rub your face to hopefully snap yourself out of it and pack up your things to leave for the night, thoughts occupied by this new character in your life.

[insanelyadd]

I was a firm Papyrus knight truther and still have a hint of hope but I feel like so much doesn't fit from the new chapters :(

We DID get to see the ribcage of the knight and Papyrus is absent now that the knight is active— two things that help the case.

But the knight seems cold. I can't see Papyrus running away, refusing to speak, and the line on the phone— that's the knight, right? Not only is it not like his speech but Carol comes home soon after the voice says they'll arrive.

But if he's not the knight that's even more confusing??? Idk. What do you think about all this?

No the voice on the phone is definitely Carol (confirmed in snowgrave), but the phone person is not For Sure the Knight. The Knight never speaks at all (perhaps because of a notorious font). There's another thing, where "you" (Kris) don't watch Susie in chapter 4 and you get this dialog instead:

Which like. If the Knight was meant to be confirmed without a doubt to be one (or only one of two) people, then there's no need to maintain the mystery. In universe this makes sense because Kris is obviously hiding things from us, but out of universe, there is no reason for Toby to write the line like this unless the implication is that the Knight is not so obvious.

I DO think Dess has to be involved with the Knight, and I DO think Carol is also doing something shady, but I also have a new theory. So if you'll excuse me real quick-

So basically, a Holiday has to be strongly Connected to the Knight, because while I don't think the Knight's identity is so clear cut as everyone makes it out to be (ah, memories of immediately after chapter 2) I also think Toby wouldn't pull a cheap ass move like giving the Knight antlers, a baseball bat looking sword, and when they dodge, the ball they turn into vaguely resembles a baseball, and then NOT make the Knight have a strong connection to Dess somehow, or to be Dess. But that's the thing.

The Knight's appearance is fucked up and unnatural, even darkner's bodies could be easily mistaken as normal monsters, but the Knight is so much more horrifying in appearance, there is something WRONG with it. If someone saw that walking around town, they would be right to freak out and call the police. But if in the light world the Knight is Just Dess then. Well. People in town will recognize her, and freak out and call the police. Again. So in the Light World the Knight can't look anything like Dess and they can't look anything like The Knight.

I would also like to point out that if the Knight didn't have antlers do you know who people would INSTEAD say is now Totally Confirmed?

A related thing to this overarching tirade of madness is how multiple times, characters warn you not to stay in Darkworlds overnight. What happens to lightners if they stay in the dark for too long? Why is it a concern to have?

What is the danger?

It's likely that Dess got stuck in a darkworld, because I believe the person speaking to us in the code-

[Credit to autisriel on twitter]

Is Dess. The dialog in the third image especially, builds onto my theory. That there's a dark world in the bunker, but it works like Ralsei's dark world. You walk into a dark room and the door slams behind you, sending you into the darkworld when before it behaved almost like a normal room that was just impossibly dark. I think that Ralsei's world functions different from the other dark worlds, even beyond everyone from the other worlds being able to safely exist there, where the world will selectively allow lightners in. Because there's no way in hell that Toriel, Alphys, or the school custodian haven't needed to enter that closet since that fountain was made (whenever that was, and btw I don't think the Knight made Ralsei's fountain, I think he would have mentioned it).

My theory is that another force entirely (probably Gaster since this whole world seems to be some sort of project that he fucking around with with our assistance) made a fountain in the bunker and in the supply closet which is why they behave so oddly. Dess went into the bunker (maybe she ran away? This ties into a point I'll have further in) and the door slammed behind her, she was transported into a darkworld that would accept no further visitors, which is why no one ever found her.

I think the warnings against staying in the dark worlds for too long are because when you stay there, your body starts to change, you're still a lightner but you begin to become a darkner in a way. I think Dess' body dissipated/transformed/transmuted her consciousness into an object, likely one she took with her, probably baseball related, and Papyrus also entered the bunker (maybe he learned the code, maybe he was told, maybe the door mysteriously opened for him) and found that object, which he now has equipped like how you can equip Jevil and Spamton. Dess' body has been (possibly permanently) altered by being in the dark world, and her and Papyrus are working in conjunction with each other as the Knight. There is not multiple Knights, just one Knight, but the Knight is two people.

In chapter 4 I saw people discussing Kris' reaction to the end of the chapter, how they come home to find Toriel drunk and dancing with Sans (who is probably also drunk). Some people take Kris' reaction to be one that indicates that this is potentially commonplace while also mentioning how it's odd that Toriel didn't seem concerned that Kris didn't come home until late, and they most certainly would not be reachable by phone, and her lack of acknowledgement that she couldn't reach them means she didn't even try to.

I also have to point out now that in chapter 4 you don't even get to ask Sans about his mystery brother, and he doesn't voluntarily bring him up either. This is in addition to the fact that, as you said, after we see the Knight for the first time, we can't even HEAR Papyrus in his house anymore. We see Sans outside every single day and we haven't seen Papyrus once, haven't even heard his voice, and Sans brings him up less and less. This is a large contrast to UT where Sans is very focused on getting the human to befriend his brother, and talks about him a lot.

I feel like at this point there's too much evidence to deny that Sans and Papyrus Undertale are actually Sans and Papyrus Deltarune. There was a lot of implications through the total void of Papyrus' life before coming to Snowdin, and the weird shit Sans says about never being able to go back, but that was all contained to UT. Now we have the companion song for "It's Raining Somewhere Else", a companion song that sounds almost exactly the same (but it is different) named "The Place Where It Rained". Now there are connections on both sides.

My point with bringing this up, is maybe in UT Sans feels like he failed Papyrus by not trying harder for him in DR. I think we're watching this arc play out in real time. And I must once more reiterate that since it seems to be true that the skelebros are from DR, then there HAS to be a reason why that it only happens to them. Something BIG is going to happen and they're going to be at the epicenter of it, and they will face exile on the cosmic scale for it.

So Papyrus is home alone all day long, likely being tasked with unpacking everything by himself, because Sans has a Job. Sans can tell Papyrus is lonely, that's why he asks Someone to try to hang out with him, but Sans is also not putting in as much effort as he should, which is why he asked a child to hang out with his adult brother, and why he hasn't really asked to again in a follow up. Maybe Sans just doesn't know how to approach what Papyrus is dealing with.

Bringing it back around to the familial structures we look at in chapter 4, we meet Carol. Possibly Carol, still no direct confirmation I don't think? My #1 pick for an alternate name for her is Cupid because:

Irony

The heart pillows? What's up with that, that's Valentine's not Christmas

Cupid is one of Santa's reindeer so even though the connection is stronger to a different holiday there is still a connection to Christmas

Carol is very cold and hostile and I think is so OBVIOUSLY manipulating Kris, and IMO I think she's abusive to Noelle, like emotionally and verbally at the least. Normal kids with parents who are just strict but still loving don't freak the fuck out and shut down like people are going to get seriously harmed when their parent shows up back at home when they weren't expecting it. Noelle is afraid to ask her mom for the spare key to their house so she just stands outside, locked out. I think a strict but loving parent would rather be bothered at work than allow their ONLY REMAINING CHILD to just be STUCK OUTSIDE ALL DAY. The fact that Noelle prefers waiting for her mom to be done at work, which is likely late into the evening, to going to get a spare key from her, tells us that her MOM also prefers it this way. The reaction is less severe. It's Better that she stands outside the front gate of her own home and wait until it gets dark out by herself.

I would find it harder to say more straightforwardly that what Sans is doing to Papyrus is abusive. I maintain it is consistent across both games for Sans to be pretty emotionally closed off from people. He's good at reading the room, but that doesn't mean he has a magical solution to all of your social problems and it doesn't mean he wants to talk about feelings, he appears to have a very low tolerance for awkward encounters and vulnerability. And I additionally think that Toriel isn't abusive towards Kris. Kris probably is very uncomfortable with Toriel drinking, especially the way she doesn't show concern for where they were, especially how she seems to be perfectly happy being distracted by bringing a strange man into their home (this is something Kris and I have in common with our mothers while we were in high school).

I think the theme in this chapter is how Family is so important to young people, young people who are lonely like Papyrus, young people who might not have many friends like Kris up until recently, young people who don't have many people they can be completely open with, like Noelle. And it's also about how sometimes even when you Need your family, you need them to be there for you, to protect you, to look out for you, to worry about you, they fail to be enough, to be what you need.

Dess might have tried to run away, even if it was only temporary in her mind, and ends up trapped. Maybe Papyrus got fed up and needed to get out of the house for a bit. He ended up in the bunker, he meets Dess there. Dess isn't able to exist in the light world like how she used to by this point. They talk and feel like they have things in common, Dess tells Papyrus about dark worlds, possibly gaining knowledge the same way Ralsei has gotten his knowledge. And together they become the Knight.

I'm still working on this theory tbh. This is only the beginning, before I've gotten a chance to watch videos going over secrets in these last two chapters, which I need to do because my play style with DR is very sloppy, I'm just awful at finding secrets. I didn't know about ANY of the secret areas in chapter 3 before I saw one video going over them. Needless to say, the theory will improve as I learn more. So this is a rough draft.

[curtsycream]

hiiiii

i saw your requests are open

Can you do poly price x reader x simon where they all get into an argument (Reader is lonely while they're deployed, she's not getting on their case, just expressing it) and the boys get really defensive and take it a little too far, resulting in reader staying in the guest bedroom for the night bc she doesn't wanna cry in bed next to them. The boys come to their senses and realize they fucked up and there's make up sex? Lots of reassurance and whispers of how much they love you?

Feel free to ignore, just figured I'd pop in :)

Could You Understand?

John Price x F!Reader x Simon Riley

My first COD request I hope I did right. I’m still getting down their personalities and such in writing but it’s a fun challenge. Kinda base level smut. Ps. Would never ignore ❤️

warning: mentions of anxiety (described?), light stomach bulging (I mention it twice I have a problem), double penetration, not proofread at all

Confrontation was never a strong point for her, the idea of accidentally starting a conflict made her cautious with her words. Nibbling at her lower lip she adds the final dish to the washer before closing it. Turning it on she leans against the counter with folded arms. Many times has this feeling of loneliness crossed her mind. Whenever they were gone it was a constant reminder of the fear she felt. She always found herself holding back the words. But it was as if a dam finally broke and she couldn’t help but let them spill.

Making her way into the living room she wraps her arms around herself. It was a first defense similar to showing a dog that you’re not a threat. Her eyes fall onto the two men she loved with all of her being. They sat together with the television on but it was clear they weren’t entirely focused on it. They spoke in rushed tones as if forgetting the rule of leaving work at work. It wasn’t much but it was enough to ensure they wouldn’t dwell on work-related stuff.

Clearing her throat she realized just how hard it was to speak up. It was an odd feeling as she usually found herself talking without much of an issue. When they turned to look at her the words felt stuck, unable to claw their way out of her throat. “We need to talk,” she finally uttered. The words felt hard and cold when she said them.

John was the first to speak though the way his eyebrows creased seemed to verify his confusion. “About what, sweetheart?”

The gruffness of his voice was enough to make her hold the subject off. To instead crawl into his lap and give him a kiss or two. But she knew that wouldn’t solve anything let alone reassure her.

Simon on the other hand said nothing but his eyes were focused on her. And that was enough, it was always the simple things with him. His attention was always undivided, “well..I’ve been thinking a lot while you were both deployed. I just feel alone, you know? It terrifies me knowing you’re both out there and not knowing if that’s the mission that will end with me living my life without you. I—I’ve spent so many nights worried about how or if you’ll make it back to me. Maybe I’m just thinking too much on this but I can’t help but think that way. It’s like my brain won’t allow me to think positively. Like there’s this sense of impending doom when nothing bad is really happening,” she explained.

It was silent for a moment that is until Simon scoffed, the sound seemed to echo in her mind. “And you think it’s any easier on our end having to leave you here? It’s not a friendly thought knowing we’re miles away while you’re here by yourself,” his tone was defensive. It was as if he assumed her words were to evoke a change or start an argument.

“I’m not denying that Simon, I just get so worried that-”

“We understand that you get worried sweetheart, but we can’t change our profession. We spend just as many nights worrying about whether we’ll make it back or not. We have to live through that not you,” John spoke up.

Whether he meant to or not his words seemed to cut her deeper. It was as if her attempt at getting through to them was blocked off by their defense. “I know I don’t have to live through that, but it still worries me when you leave this house. I feel so helpless for lack of a better word when I know you’re miles away and I can’t help.”

Simon shook his head, “how would you even help? You can’t help, you can barely help yourself.”

His words were sharp like that of a knife willingly piercing her heart. Maybe that’s why it hurts more hearing words like that from someone you love.

“I’m not trying to argue with either of you, I wanted to get my point across,” she said simply.

“Then why even bring this up, you always dance around what you’re feeling. We’re not mind readers, there is only so much we can do when you won’t even say what you feel. It’s exhausting,” The words left John's mouth without much of a thought.

Opening her mouth she closes it, her eyes flashing with hurt from their words. “I know you’re both probably just tired from your mission and that’s why you’re acting like this. Just forget I said anything,” she tells them.

She had walked away quicker than she meant to not wanting to say another word to them. She knew deep down if she had she would have started crying.

Placing her hands on her chest she holds back the tears that are brimming in her eyes. She holds off until she makes it into their guest room upstairs. The second she closes the door she lets out a low sob. Sitting down on the bed she wraps her arms back around herself. It was a horrible feeling as if she’d been yelled at. Having people you love downplay your emotions when you finally speak upon them.

Lying down on the bed she curls up her arms still wrapped around her. It was as if she was protecting herself from what was already done. Sobs racking her body as she found no use in calming down.

It wasn’t until they made their way upstairs later into the night that they realized. Simon assumed she would be in bed, their bed. Yet the absence of her presence in the room was like a punch to the gut. His eyes found John’s in the darkness as they stood in the space.

They didn’t have to think before they made their way towards the guest room. The door ajar allowing John to slowly push it open. There she was in the middle of the guest bed curled up. She looked smaller than she should have as if closing in on herself.

John to a step forward which turned into a few then a few more before he was sitting on the bed beside her. His hand cupping her cheek, wet with tears, “Sweetheart..” The utterances of the pet name seemed to work as her eyes opened slowly. Groggy from crying so much as well as sleep she stared at him. It was easy to tell that was what she was doing in the darkness. The tears not yet split made that easy to notice.

With crossed arms, Simon makes his way over to him, “We shouldn’t have—I should have said those things to you.”

She seemed to perk up, it was a first for Simon to say something like that. Not that she expected him to do so often but it was refreshing. “It’s fi-“

“It’s not fine, the things we said to you were uncalled for. You didn’t deserve any of that especially when all you wanted to do was express your feelings. We took our frustration from the mission out on you,” John told her. His thumb caressed her cheek a touch she leaned into without hesitation.

“You do so much for us even when you don’t think you do. Most don’t expect to be greeted at home with a smile and a warm meal. You do everything you can to make sure we’re okay. It’s time we do the same,” Simon says.

Sitting up a bit she looks between the two men with a puzzled look. She didn’t catch on until she had John’s lips on her own. The smell of tobacco and pinewood was strong as she wrapped her arms around his neck. It was comforting yet sensual as she felt Ghost behind her. His lips feverishly trailing kisses along her neck and shoulders.

Her mind seemed to move slower than her actions which was evident when she found herself naked between them. Her hands rested on John’s chest as he lined himself up with her sopping-wet hole. Eager wouldn’t describe what she was feeling especially when he finally thrusted into her. He was always attentive and careful at first, “how’s that feel, sweetheart?”

The words didn’t come but a simple nod followed by a moan was enough for him. Resting his hands on her hips he set a slow and steady pace. One that seemed to draw on the moans leaving her body. “Still so tight for me,” he grunted against her warm skin.

The gentle touch along her spine was enough to remind her of Simon’s presence. The way he was looking down at her caused her to squeeze around John’s cock. A swear left the older man’s lips due to the feeling. Keeping her eyes on Simon she spoke up, “want to feel you both..”

It was new territory something she hadn’t done before. But she wanted to be closer to them in a way soft touches wouldn’t do. “Are you sure, lovie?”

She nodded her head right away at Simon’s words as he seemed to be silently communicating with John. Looking between them she waited for an answer as John continued to thrust in and out of her.

“Okay.”

That was all Simon needed to say before she leaned against John. Her arms were around his neck while her fingers curled around the hair at the base of his neck. Simon held her hip as he pumped himself in his hand before lining himself up with her stuffed hole. It was already a tight fit with John’s cock inside. Willing himself forward he groaned when his cock began to slide inside of her pussy.

Digging her nails into John’s back she muffled her noises on his shoulder. “That’s it sweetheart, such a good girl wanting to take both of us.”

John’s words seemed to calm her down as she felt him pull out some to allow Simon room to fit. She wasn’t fully prepared when she felt both of them inside of her. Neither of them moved, letting her adjust to the new feeling. Resting her hand on her stomach she moved it a bit lower feeling the bulge there. The subtle reminder of just how big John was in girth.

“Oh—please move..” her voice was a gasp barely above a whisper. She had never felt so full before, but oh did it feel perfectly right. Moving his hands up to cup her breasts Simon thrusted into her. At the same time, John pulled out before slamming himself back in.

Groaning from the feeling of John’s cock rubbing against his own as her pussy squeezed them tightly left Simon on edge. “Feels so good,” he breathed the words out.

Her mouth opened letting out a flurry of moans as their paces varied. While John was moving steadily, Simon’s pace was almost erratic. “Fuck—just like that,” she begged no one in particular.

Yet her words seemed to set both men off as they moved in tandem. Their pace seeming to match both went faster pistoning their cocks in and out of her. “So good for us lovie, always so good for us.”

The words of affection caused her to whimper before she felt his lips on hers. The kiss was dragged out and slow only fueled by John’s lips on her throat. The light prickles of his beard on her skin were comforting in a way. “You’re so beautiful, sweetheart. Always so caring and sweet for the both of us,” John’s voice vibrated against her soft skin.

She knew she wouldn’t last long from their affectionate words to their unyielding thrusts. Breaking the kiss between herself and Simon she whines, “So close, please.”

“Please what, lovie?”

The teasing tone he took on made her clench around their cocks. The action caused both men to groan as their cocks rubbed against her gummy walls. “Please let me cum, I’ll be good..”

“You’re always good, sweetheart,” John assured.

“Go ahead, lovie.”

She didn’t need to hear more as her eyes screwed shut. Her mind felt fuzzy as the warmth in her lower stomach began to spread. Gripping John’s shoulders she let out a cry as she came around their cocks with a tremble. However, they didn’t stop not yet at least as they were chasing their highs. To her, it felt like minutes but it only took seconds before they reached their own. Gripping her hips firmly John thrusted his hips up before releasing inside of her. Simon wasn’t too far behind as his cum mixed with that of John’s and hers.

Sighing breathlessly she shifted her eyes to the bulge in her stomach she had forgotten about. She could still see the outline of John’s cock against her lower stomach. But it didn’t last long as she felt both men pull out of her. Leaning back on Simon she watched as John left the room. Her eyes were concentrated on his back before they trailed to Simon.

“Lovie I-“

Shaking her head she leans up her lips pressed against his shoulder. “I’m fine, I guess I just worry a lot when you’re both not here. It’s scary to think something can happen on a mission and I wouldn’t know for a while until the mission ends.”

Simon noticed how shaky her voice was as if the thought of them getting hurt lingered in her mind. Placing his hands on her cheeks he leaned forward until his nose was touching hers. “It is scary, I couldn’t imagine having to stay home and wait for us to return. But I can promise you this, with everything in us we will always try our hardest to get back home to you. That’s how much you mean to us,” his words melted into her mind.

Keeping her eyes focused on his own she nodded her head, “I know you guys will. You always do and I’m grateful for that.”

“And we’re grateful for you,” John chimed in as he walked back into the room. He went straight to her using the towel in his hand to clean her up before pressing a kiss to her stomach. “We will always be grateful for you, I couldn’t picture myself loving anyone else besides the two of you.”

It was comforting to hear words like that from the men she loved. “I love you,” she said her words directed to both men. Pulling her close Simon kisses her forehead as he lays behind her. In front of her was John who also delivered a kiss to her forehead. “I love you too, sweetheart. Don’t be afraid to tell us when you’re worried or scared. We promise to think before we speak,” John’s words reassured her.

The same way that Simon’s touch did as his thumb rubbed her hip. “I love you, now get some sleep it’s almost four in the morning.”

That was all it took before she was closing her eyes allowing the feeling of both men beside her to lull her to sleep. She felt safe and protected between them, no longer as fearful as she was before.

[heliianth]

on Killua, projection, and spectrophobia

This post is sort of a sequel to this answer I gave an asker, wherein I said that an overarching theme in Killua's ability to situate himself and understand the world around him is constant social categorization. It's also a very direct extension of this post about how he sees Nanika in relation to his own self-perception and the way in which he treats her as a result of projection.

Originally that second post was actually meant to be the ultimate conclusion to this one (i've been sitting on this draft for close to a year atp). So it's a little embarrassing to post this without it as a closer—this feels unfinished as a result—but I'll link it in the relevant section where it should've been read anyway, and you can take it or leave it. If you do read it and see parts I paraphrased or directly copy-pasted from very early points in this meta, that's why lol. I'm lazy and didn't want to rewrite thoughts I had already articulated in my notes app, nor did I want to leave the anon hanging for however long it would take to polish this up.

Eli, this is long as fuck. Why do you care this much?

Well, why does anyone care about anything? I like yapping. This is the yapping website. Take this as your warning that this is going to be LENGTHY, btw

But the main reason I started thinking about this and writing it down so long ago is the pervasive perception within the fandom that Killua is very logical, and that this demeanor of his is a deliberate contrast to Gon’s impulsivity, reliance on instinct, and tendency to operate based on emotion. This makes the audience trust his word even when everything surrounding him is working to tell you he’s an unreliable source of narration, including the aloof overpowered rival-deuteragonist archetype he’s subverting, which people seem to recognize in every other way but this for some reason. His family directly spells out to the audience that he’s way too emotional and volatile to be considered perfect, despite the golden child gambit—

—and while the Zoldycks are all stinky fucking liars as far as whether the audience should trust them or not, I do think they know what they’re talking about in terms of suitability to be an assassin. And Zeno is ostensibly supposed to be the "sane one," regardless of how you feel about that.

Even so, I think that it’s a really easily digestible and also not unpopular view here on tumblr to acknowledge that not only is Killua very often illogical, he’s also not less emotional than Gon just because he tends to analyze more information before making a decision. It’s not a hot take to say that Killua POV Syndrome is the source of a lot of mischaracterization for both of them and their relationship. Still, I rarely see anyone talk about the specific ways in which he’s illogical, identify an underlying pattern between each instance, and connect it to his arc and the very unsubtle metaphors that punctuate it as a whole. So that’s kind of what I’m aiming for here, just to present my ideas in one place so I don’t have to keep chunking them into different responses to asks.

So. 5 topics.

Projection (clarification)

Killua's Reflection

The Outlier: Gon

The In-group

The Mirror: Alluka and Nanika

1. Projection

Projection is a term I think people are well acquainted with, but I still feel the need to define it so we’re all on the same page. It’s been in the periphery of the therapy speak epidemic that’s been happening for a while now, and I want it to be clear what we’re actually talking about.

In it’s most simple form, projection is the process of attributing one’s own traits or emotions to another. This is the most common way I’m going to be using the word, but there are other relevant intricacies:

Originally, it was conceived as a way of ego defense and emotional suppression or denial. For example, the first formally documented case of projection was in a 1895 letter in which Sigmund Freud described a woman who was avoiding confronting feelings of shame by insisting that neighbors were gossiping unjustly behind her back. This form wherein the person projecting recognizes an emotion or action as condemnable in themself but is unwilling to reflect on it, and then attributes that same trait to someone else so it is “safe” to judge, remains the more popular conception of projection. Freud is a whole can of worms and me referencing him is supposed to be more of a history lesson than a concession of legitimacy. And in terms of talking about projection, I do think the type he describes exists and I do think it’s useful for the purposes of this post to use his name in reference to it.

Contemporarily, projection is understood more benignly as being a part of theory of mind (the ability to parse the intentions and mental states of other people separately from one’s own). This type has many different forms which manifest healthily during stages of psychological development or interaction, such as a child learning to perform empathy by recognizing and interpreting familiar experiences or expressions in others. That specific process, however, is more often referred to as mentalization, wherein “…there is little distortion of the other person’s mind because there is no automatic equation of it with the mind of the observer..." though it is still considered a form of projection because it requires using your own experiences to determine that of another.

All of these definitions are relevant because Killua does all three. He imposes his own traits onto other people even if it’s not necessarily warranted, projects the judgement of his shameful aspects onto those around him to avoid confronting them (Freudian), and uses his own experiences to mentalize with targets chosen based on his own self-perception.

2. Killua’s Reflection

I’m sure everyone interested enough in Hunter x Hunter to be reading metas on it already knows about Killua’s shit self-esteem and where it comes from. It’s something that doesn’t really need to be restated. Nonetheless, I feel an aspect of it is necessary for what I want to say.

A lot of Killua’s emotional conflicts within the story stem from a desperate need to disprove what Illumi said to him in the exchange that disqualified him from the first arc's exam.

At this point Killua has actually seen and experienced things that contradict what Illumi is saying. But in this case, even with all of these new experiences and people on his side, Killua finds he can’t disagree with his big brother. After all, it’s backed up by some pretty irrefutable proof—more than Killua has.

For example, Killua’s reaction to Gon being completely unbothered in this conversation…

Alternate translation from the 2011 anime is: "That's weird... People only like me because they can't ever tell whether I'm serious." (Viz is my worst enemy for early HxH and should be yours too)

…corroborates 2 things:

Killua has approached people (outside of the Zoldyck estate) in the past, whether to be friends or to cure boredom

Upon being told about his family, these people either reacted poorly or with disbelief. Then he was ostracized or became disinterested

Killua doesn’t seem too bothered by this all things considered, and that’s because it reinforces his family’s emotional isolation, so it’s expected and he has no reason to think it's abnormal or worry over it. Killua is told he’s incapable of friendship because of who he is and how he was raised, and then every relationship he has ends before it can begin precisely because of those reasons. From his perspective, his family are objectively correct. Every time Killua talks to anyone, he may as well be proving that gravity eventually makes things fall down. He just kept trying because he was that desperate for friends who liked HIM, not his cute kid routine.

What his family have done is effectively created a rigid in-group that defines Killua and his capacity for interaction outside of that group. This has overlap with the typical notion of “out-group bias” which, when you google it, specifically brings up the mechanisms of bigotry. I’m referring to it in the more neutral tone associated with social identity theory, which has to do with socially assigned and defined traits valued via comparison (often moral comparison), and the desire to belong to an identity group that is valued positively by the majority.

The funny thing about the Zoldycks is that they do seem to teach their kids to some extent that murder is wrong and will be perceived as wrong by the out-group. But at the same time, a caveat is created: the reason why the in-group (their family) can and should engage in it is because it is in their nature. Asking Zoldycks not to murder is like asking a cat not to meow; they can do it simultaneously because of the family’s value-specific superiority and their moral inferiority—that they're good at what they do and inherently bad at what everyone else does. “We are the only ones who could ever love or understand you, you don’t need Them.” Not only is it isolating, it’s dehumanizing, and something like this is a classic tactic used to trap people.

Doesn’t work on Killua though! He swings in a counterintuitive direction by wanting acceptance from the out-group instead of withdrawing back to his safe, rejection-free in-group. I think that has to do with the fact that he’s also othered from that in-group in some manner.

Killua is part of the family, yet he’s the golden child. As of present, the entire operation revolves around him. He’s shown blatant favoritism: Illumi and Kikyo are obsessed with him, Zeno justifies preferential treatment when called on it, Silva is very lenient with him, and the butlers we’ve seen seem to all have some preference as well. The rest of his siblings may as well be invisible while he’s around. He’s not just a Zoldyck, he’s the heir. And with the amount of control exerted over him because of it, there’s an easy connection to make that being the family’s pet prodigy had a big hand in crafting Killua’s oppositional personality.

So funnily enough, by singling him out, the Zoldycks kind of guaranteed that Killua would start to suspect that he’s not actually a part of their in-group—fueling his desire to be normal (read: actually belong somewhere) and turn his search outward. Their tradition got too big and began cannibalizing itself. Put a pin in this because we’re returning to it later.

Going back to what Illumi actually said to Killua, during the fourth phase Killua both compares himself with Gon:

…and is absolutely baffled by the fight’s turn:

…which are things Illumi addresses—that one day, Killua will start evaluating Gon as an opponent, and that Gon confuses him. Though he’s using these to gaslight him into doubting his own emotions and desires, what Illumi says is all true to Killua.

Gon does confuse him because, unlike every other social interaction he’s ever had, Gon doesn’t reinforce what his family has said to him. Gon is not considered “the out-group” by Killua; he does not behave in the way Killua has seen and was taught the out-group behaves, so he must not have their same values. Most importantly, he likes Killua for who he is as an individual, not his proficiency at the things valued by his in-group, which makes him feel like an actual person and like he could potentially belong somewhere. Gon is dismantling the mechanisms of Killua’s abuse by… basically just being a silly little guy. And though obviously Killua isn’t aware of that specifically, he does feel it’s effects.

So when Illumi pops up and basically goes “Yeah, all that is a fluke. An outlier. I know how you think, this is what you were just doing, and you’re deluding yourself,” Killua has no argument because Gon is an outlier; the one person that’s not part of the out-group or the in-group.

And then Illumi goes and puts the final nail in the coffin by forcing him to surrender, thereby allowing Gon to die and "proving" him right in that he's incapable of connection. So he does what’s expected of a murderer then goes home.

Of course, Gon storms the castle anyway, but this exchange still haunts Killua. He believes Illumi is still right. There is still the in-group, the outgroup, and Gon.

This is the kind of thinking that Killua brings into every relationship he has and, despite wanting so badly to prove Illumi wrong, he uses these preconceptions in order to side step actually confronting it. Killua doesn’t like thinking about the possibility of Illumi being correct. He doesn’t want to; he gets genuinely upset, sometimes angry, when reminded of it (think his outburst with Nobunaga in Yorknew), and it’s hard for him to engage with the idea when it comes up. But proving Illumi wrong in any substantial manner would mean thinking about it.

Similarly to Gon assigning Killua the role of “the cool-headed one who keeps me in check,” Killua takes Illumi’s evaluations of their relationship and twists them into something he can operate off of. In his head, he’s assigned Gon the role of “the outlier" which Illumi described, but views Gon’s uniqueness optimistically instead of misanthropically. As a result, Killua ends up pouring his self-worth into being useful to Gon. He doesn’t really know how else to get people to want him around, and as long as Gon is around, Illumi is wrong.

Though Killua is doing this in order to prove so, he’s not actually fully rejecting Illumi—it’s very psychologically shallow because the foundation of it still relies on Illumi’s assessments. Doing this lets Killua avoid having to do overwhelming hard work in either self-evaluation or examination of his upbringing—ironically reinforcing what Illumi wants, which is to constantly run away from problems he can’t handle.

When I say Killua is avoiding having to do hard work on reflection, I don’t mean that in a negative way. Actually deconstructing all this would take years of grueling emotional labor to do, and Killua is a child. So instead, he applies this faulty worldview in ways that make him happy, and that’s better than nothing. There’s genuinely no other option for him at this point in the story and it would obviously be silly to condemn him for it.

This is the basis of his projection; a habitual avoidance of confronting difficult emotions or ideas and an application of traits onto people regardless of fitness to reinforce it—loosely Freudian. It’s because of this that the the reoccurring motif of often literal fight or flight is so important to Killua’s character and is so deeply entrenched in his development, beyond the physical prowess to defeat strong opponents or even just growing out of being an assassin. It's a metaphor for him learning to start actually unpacking his abuse.

3. The Outlier: Gon

Because the way he perceives himself has been molded by alienation, Killua has some difficulty mentalizing with people he sees as belonging to an out-group—instead relying on analysis and pattern recognition to mimic that function and compensate. This usually works out for him because he’s a smart kid, but not always, especially when there’s no pre-established pattern (such as that time he thinks himself into a hole during the Greed Island player selection process).

There are a few examples of Killua’s difficulty to mentalize with people he’s already decided are unlike him, but a lot of them can be simultaneously attributed to apathy or practicality, so I don’t want to say anything definitive. In that same vein, Killua also seems to have a rough time getting along with peers and certain authority figures in general, which is a result of many intersecting things, some having to do with projection—for example, I’m reasonably certain his difficulties with older women come from family misogyny and his own disdain for his mother—and some not.

Despite these varying reasons, I feel confident in saying mentalizing with assigned out-groups is something Killua struggles with because Gon, the person he spends most of the series glued at the hip with, is the single biggest example and indication of it.

As mentioned, Gon confuses the hell out of Killua at first. This subsides as the series goes on—he begins to understand Gon very well behaviorally, enough to accurately predict and describe him—but it returns in the Chimera Ant Arc when Gon’s previously reliable patterns start to shift and Killua has no idea how to deal with it. This gulf of dark and light he’s invented between them causes Killua to simultaneously project heavily onto Gon and understand him as someone so alien that he often completely misses Gon’s greater motivations (and cannot actually internalize his affections, though that’s not unique to the ant arc).

His perception of Gon is so wrapped in his perception of himself that arguably one of Killua’s most dramatic and iconic little internal monologues (“you are light”) occurs right after an emotional low point where he’s obviously feeling guilty and wondering whether he’s capable of performing his assigned role in their friendship, then is urged to no longer think about it (avoidance).

To make matters more obvious, Killua’s vocabulary in the “you are light” declaration is even ripped directly out of Illumi’s mouth (眩しすぎて, translated by Viz as “radiant” from Illumi then again as “too bright” during this scene). Killua idolizes Gon as being this brilliant outlier and relies on him as a key part of his psychological avoidance—not at all even considering whether this fundamental idea, which is borrowed from and agrees with Illumi, is wrong on its own.

In the CAA, Killua is constantly having these beliefs he’s trying to dodge nailed in not only by the adults around him but also his own actions. And, when Bisky confronts him with (what he hears as) the possibility that Gon’s mere presence isn’t enough to prove Illumi wrong and Killua will end up essentially killing him regardless, he becomes resigned to the idea that he is unfixable up until he rips that needle out of his brain.

Removing Illumi’s needle results in a high point for his esteem primarily because it forced Killua to actually linger and, again, think about Illumi and his abuse. It was a huge confrontation both physically and mentally, he did it by himself without any of his psychological crutches, and coming out on top built his confidence to the point where his mood/behavior changed enough for Gon to notice. But it didn’t erase his unease about their relationship.

As Killua begins to feel less stable in his self-appointed roles, Gon also starts to break down and starts prioritizing revenge on Pitou. Alone. And this makes Killua also feel less stable in Gon’s role as the outlier. Similarly to the woman who invents gossiping neighbors to avoid addressing shame, Killua invents judgement from his best friend to internally avoid addressing his internalized alienation. He ends up worrying that Gon will ostracize him and assuming the worst, when previously he thought he'd be the only one who wouldn't do that. He becomes hyper-observant of any possible rejection.

And he’s not worried about moral rejection like he used to be! Because when Palm is introduced, it becomes evident that the rejection Killua is worried about is revealed to be his emotional value to Gon. Whether Killua is as important to Gon as Gon is important to Killua—whether his feelings, romantic or otherwise, are reciprocated.

Then with Palm, these insecurities take the form of pretty stereotypical projection in the form of jealousy and cattiness, even after the whole dating thing is finished…

…and leads to his meltdown right in front of her, during which the narrative acknowledges and makes him finally voice these insecurities.

Like, when Gon says “Let’s go,” Killua immediately spirals into worrying what Gon means by it in terms of his value. Whether they are “just teammates” or something more.

And when Gon tells Killua “This has nothing to do with you,” he can verbally acknowledge that Gon is not being deliberately nasty, but it still hits him like a truck anyway. His true understanding of the situation, regardless of what he thinks logically, is that he is being ejected from their friendship—that Killua, who defines his personhood according to the roles assigned by both himself and Gon, is no longer wanted and no longer belongs anywhere.

A sign of disordered or delayed ability to mentalize in a child—appropriately, due to abuse or atypical attachment—is not being able to separate their own reaction from the intentions of their caregiver during a reprimand or some similar interaction. This is relevant in that Killua has placed Gon into a position with an inordinate (and frankly unfair) amount of emotional authority upon which he’s reliant for comfort and affirmation. Killua’s theory of mind is impaired in relation to Gon not only as is normal due to strong emotions, but also his projecting onto what Gon thinks, which is a result of othering himself from him.

4. The In-group

I think the above is… fairly obvious, and also a super unoriginal observation. But it’s made rhetorically useful by it’s converse: the fact that Killua has a really easy time mentalizing with people that are inhuman, whether morally or literally. I’ll rapid-fire a few examples because they’re pretty self-explanatory…

Killua recognizes Hisoka’s intentions because “[he’s] like him”.

More Hisoka parallels, this time including Gon

(I’m convinced a lot of these are with Hisoka because Togashi still wanted us to hang onto the abundance of “Killua will turn heel” red herrings in the early story. Small tangent, but during the exam Togashi loved to separate Killua from Gon, Kurapika, and Leorio in various ways, often physically, in part to encourage the audience to other him so that these red herrings would be extremely prominent even during Heaven’s Arena. But I think a Watsonian analysis is also fitting)

This one is shakier because it’s primarily an ethical debate which Gon and Bisky chime in on as well, but I thought it was good to include as part of a broader pattern since he specifically brings up moral values and how they define in-groups.

Killua empathizes with Ikalgo right after being willing to murder him lmfao. It's notable the way in which he starts checking around this time if the ants/people he's fighting are douchebags or not (do they have the right social identity or not?), which seemingly justifies killing them.

(I think it’s really interesting that the upper page centers Killua’s hands during the setup for a realization about Meruem hurting himself for the sake of a “special someone." It's like Killua's equivalent to Gon's "[You'd hurt yourself] when... you can't forgive yourself.")

The reason why this occurs has to do with the defined social identities created by his family and the immediate biases/prejudices associated with them. Because of how Killua has dehumanized himself in accordance with these traits, he is pre-disposed to extending understanding—whether that be actual compassion or simple insight—toward characters who are othered as monstrous in-universe (and by the audience, where it’s used as a narrative tool by Togashi) because these experiences of being alienated from the vast majority are most familiar and sensical to him.

This becomes pretty obvious to me when you take into account that Killua’s only friends other than Gon, Leorio, and Kurapika—or at least the only other people he actually calls his friends—are chimera ants (and, in the case of Palm, she was very much ostracized even when she was a human including by Killua himself). Characters like these are relatable and make someone part of an in-group, whether he likes it or not.

On that last point, I want to bring up this observation and comment made by him…

…because while this observation from Killua comes about naturally due to Pitou’s behavior during this confrontation, the comment about protecting not being in their nature sticks out to me as somewhat uncharacteristic. It feels distinctly very emotionally charged in the midst of a scene where Killua is deliberately trying to remain calm and impartial for the sake of Gon (exercizing the role Gon gave to him).

Part of this is definitely because Pitou has been symbolized to these kids for what they did to Kite, but Pitou also has a LOT of parallels with Killua as a result of them both being intrinsically intertwined with the questions of nature Togashi brings up in Hunter x Hunter. Killua is “by nature a murderer,” Pitou is “by nature incapable [of this action]”; I believe they are very deliberate foils, so it’s interesting to hear Killua think things about Pitou that Illumi once said to him.

It’s also worthwhile to note that the role Pitou was born into and the role Killua gives himself are essentially the same, Guard, and that Meruem and Gon mean similar things to them (of course, there is the “light that illuminates all”/“you are light” comparison, but more abstractly, both Meruem and Gon represent the Ants’/Killua’s potential for expansion/evolution—in the food chain and in life/purpose respectively—and are protected as such). They also abide by this role with almost the exact same amount of devotion; we see this in the way Pitou crying over being trusted with something so important to Meruem (healing Komugi) is a parallel to how Killua was so impacted by being relied upon for an important task to Gon (holding the dodgeball).

Killua definitely doesn’t consider any similarities consciously the way he does with Hisoka, Ikalgo, or through mentalization with Meruem, but when he is thinking this of Pitou, he’s looking at a narrative foil, which I find telling. I think it’s a very classic case of Freudian projection.

5. The Mirror: Alluka and Nanika

All this brings me to what I want to talk at length about, which I suppose you can already guess because I gave it away in the section heading.

Killua’s relationship with his sisters has always been fascinating to me because they’re probably the only people in the world he would genuinely consider as sharing his precise in-group. Not just the Zoldyck family in-group, but the Killua in-group. And it really effects the way he thinks during the Election Arc.

I’ve tried my best to neatly separate Alluka and Nanika into their own sections, but it’s still going to be sorta all over the place (moreso than this analysis already is) mostly because right now Killua still hasn’t totally figured out that Alluka and Nanika are basically two whole different people. He’s certainly much closer to that than the rest of his family considering he actually makes a distinction between them, but he’s still not treating Nanika like an individual at this point in the story. And that’s super important to the way he projects onto them, so it’s going to be a little messy. Sorry in advance

Alluka

Remember that pin I told you to save for later? Now is later.

Alluka and Nanika sit at the table with Killua in being othered not only by the defined out-group (due to just being a Zoldyck), but by the people who were supposed to be The In-group™ in the first place: his family. Of course, Alluka’s situation is very different and accelerated faster than a racecar the second Nanika stopped being a secret, but evidently she was kept secret for a reason. Killua was already extremely astute even at the age when these events were happening, and probably assessed (accurately) that there would be huge drama if Nanika were ever discovered; he even went so far as to keep hiding things about how her powers worked long after the gig was up. It would be kind of stating the obvious to say someone who does all that isn’t someone who considers his sister(s) normal according to in-group standards. Otherwise there wouldn’t have been a secret at all.

The reason why Killua got along with his sister(s) so well pre-lockup and pre-needle was most likely because he was already being socially separated from his siblings as the family heir. He then took comfort from Alluka in knowing he wasn’t the only “weird” one, even if no one but him knew that yet, and projected onto her (making decisions about Nanika for her that reflect his own wishes—to keep her secret so that no one would treat her differently)

It’s partially this same projection (i say partially because it’s also, like, basic compassion) that makes Killua so mad when Alluka is outright excluded—not just symbolically, but legitimately—from the family.

He himself strives desperately to be “normal”/belong somewhere, and that ‘somewhere’ includes his own family, though at this point he obviously has more complicated emotions about it. He wants to be understood and accepted by them without being smothered—even Illumi, when he tests Killua to make a wish that would kill him, is included in this desire. In Killua’s ideal world, the Zoldycks would be on good terms with each other and act “normal”; a fantasy from a childhood whose corpse he still drags around because he doesn’t recognize that he’s been abused beyond being helicoptered and needled. Alluka herself shares this:

It’s one more thing they have in common. And, like he does when Illumi spoke in his head during Yorknew or when he said he didn’t actually want anything during the Exam, Killua gets angry when this fantasy is denied. He becomes confrontational in a way he usually wouldn’t otherwise.

I feel it’s notable that Killua does not contradict Alluka’s idea that if she were gone, everyone would get along more. Not because I think he believes it, but because I think he also doesn’t know the answer. So instead, he pivots into comforting her another way. And crucially, it’s by using something he can understand: that there is a special outlier who loves her even if she doesn’t belong anywhere, and as long as they’re together she doesn’t have to worry about it.

Cool. All that’s pretty easy to get. But it gets more complicated, because it always does.

When Killua returns for Alluka, he returns because he needs to save Gon. And with Gon comes all the baggage associated with him.

Despite the deconstruction of the dark/light dichotomy with him during the CAA, Killua remains identified with a ‘nonhuman’-aligned in-group only he belongs to, and continues judging himself accordingly. It’s a position that still puts a wall of glass between him and the majority out-group, and leaves him uncomfortably othered in the Zoldyck in-group. Gon was the all-important, miraculous outlier that made him be able to live with it, the one person that made him feel like he belonged somewhere even if it wasn’t on the basis of being in the same moral in-group. The exception to the rule of ostracization. But he knows better now. And while that’s really good progress because it begins to demystify Gon (who deserves to be understood), it leaves him in a very fragile state when confronting his family because that role was a lynchpin for upholding the psychological anti-Illumi safety net he built after the Hunter Exam.

Ultimately, this leaves Killua in a situation where his sisters can uniquely reaffirm this unhealthy superego because he can project onto them in ways he can’t with anyone else.

By saddling himself with the lone responsibility to heal Gon as a way to atone for failing to perform his role—an insecurity magnified by “this has nothing to do with you”—Killua is paralleling Gon’s guilt complex to a degree (as he does throughout the entire story, but it feels especially prominent here). Where they differ is that Gon’s apology and the validation of his emotions Killua will get from that is the relief from guilt he seeks, not the self-destruction Gon does.

In Killua’s head, they both failed their roles in their friendship—Killua didn’t end up being of any use to Gon in the end, and Gon ended up ostracizing Killua—so Killua vows to do his part again as long as Gon does so as well.

In a way, this is him acknowledging both his emotional understanding and his logical understanding of that exchange in the palace—that Gon didn’t mean what he said and did (thereby expecting him to apologize), but it still hurt him (he wants an apology anyway). This apology isn’t about blaming Gon for what he did or even really holding him responsible—which is why he can tease him lightheartedly about it later—it’s more about Killua’s own emotions. He’s standing up for himself! Which is an indication of a maturing theory of mind.

Some people read this panel with an undercurrent of Killua meaning this will be the last time he helps Gon in this way—and I understand where that comes from due to the fact that they separate afterward, and don’t really have an objective counterargument. So take this next part with a grain of salt, but I really don’t think that’s true. Killua isn’t the type to do that… I don’t even think it’s in his brain to separate from Gon right now. This is just Killua deciding that he needs to start laying down boundaries and paying attention to what he really wants in their relationship outside of being useful. It’s an out-loud admission of how deeply he cares, to the point where he can no longer wholly process or justify it as a transaction, as he does with most forms of love for self-evident reasons. It’s the beginnings of him learning about unconditionality. This is a huge step.

So…. where does it sour?

Well, Killua is faced with a similar sort of guilt brought on by role-failure (the role being “big brother”) when he comes to retrieve Alluka…

Whether you believe “Was it because Illumi was manipulating me?” is Togashi giving the audience a hint or this line being pure in-universe speculation, it doesn’t quite matter, because Killua feels the same about it at the end of the day: guilt and shame.

Though he apologizes to Alluka for this and she readily accepts it, it’s obvious these feelings continue to gnaw at him throughout the entire arc. It retroactively chips down the work he did back at the hospital, since they are the same emotion with similar catalysts.

I say this because I feel like you can infer that his guilt over these two separate but similar things bleeds together by the way Killua, when talking to himself, tends to refer to the two ‘savings’ in conjunction. You could totally say I’m onto nothing because one is a result of the other so no shit they’re related, but I think it’s significant to this discussion.

Specifically the last exchange also serves as a way for Killua to verbally reassure Alluka of her importance to him. The fact that he thinks this is necessary also shows to me that, again, he’s still feeling guilty for it, even though Alluka never indicates that she holds it against him. These panels further reaffirm this belief of mine:

…because Killua is planning to permanently put Nanika to sleep so that Alluka can “spend more time with him” (in the words she herself uses when complaining about it), which indicates that, again, it is something he feels horrible for—and that he sees Nanika in a very particular way which assigns fault to her that doesn’t quite exist, but we’ll get to it soon.

What I’m trying to say here is that because saving Alluka is inseparable from saving Gon, so too becomes the magnified things he feels over not being able to do either of these things beforehand. So successfully defending Alluka becomes way for him to relieve this now-compounded guilt and reassure himself that he’s still capable of fulfilling his self-assigned roles. If he can do that, he can still belong somewhere. He’ll still be worthy of love.

To summarize, Killua not only related to Alluka when she was young—making her very easy to project onto—but also the situation calls for Killua to see her as an extension of his best friend, which only rubs salt into the wound and serves to make him more irrational about it since Killua is still seeking redemption and reparation for the breakdown in the CAA.

Considering all the progress Killua has made, this is a relatively hard relapse. It makes sense, though; just look at what’s happening! Illumi has been the main catalyst for all this agonizing, the person whose assessments he’s developed a pathological need to simultaneously prove wrong and also avoid thinking about altogether. Now he’s got to stare that person in the face with everything on the line and tell him to fuck off.

This is the needle yank prelude on steroids for Killua—a magnification of that time when he was constantly teetering on the edge of ditching and clinging to Gon based on how useful he saw himself. Back then, when Bisky pointed out that he was putting Gon in danger, he decided that he had to leave. So, when his brother uses Nanika to put Alluka in danger, Killua decides Nanika has to leave. For a little while, Illumi becomes unconquerable again, and Killua regresses back into running away.

Nanika

This is where I leave you with this post to read as the conclusion. The readmore is actually pretty relevant, whereas it wasn't when I was answering the anon. Underwhelming, I know. Whatever man.

I really am sorry for how long it is. Tumblr yelled at me 5 times about the image limit, I had to improvise. Being super succinct without leaving out everything I want to say is a skill I do not have. Regardless, thanks for reading and hopefully this was at least a little interesting!

[bagelbun333]

Godot is morally grey and that’s okay! | The most human Ace Attorney Deuteragonist

So I had like, several topics in mind relating to Godot that I wanted to ramble about, so I decided to just put them all together in one extremely long post. So, buckle up, it’s gonna be a doozy. :3c

TW and CW: References to murder, suicide, sexism, and mental health issues

Also major spoiler warning for the Phoenix Wright Trilogy, especially aa3!

Godot is a character who gets a lot of backlash for being morally grey, controversial, and for holding a grudge against Phoenix for seemingly “no reason”. He even gets labelled as a “raging misogynist.” I would like to go over in depth of his character and put into perspective just how much goes on in his mind that makes him do the things he does in the story. It may not excuse his actions, but it does help to have a better understanding. He’s one of those characters that if you view from a single-minded perspective, you’re not gonna get the best judgement of his character.

Misguided Hatred on Phoenix + Mental Health Issues

We’ll start off with his backstory. His real name is Diego Armando, a promising young lawyer with a beautiful girlfriend and has a loving (and smug) personality. He was so moved by Mia Fey, with her being so kind, caring and faithful. She wholeheartedly believed in the good of people, especially her clients. Diego loved that about her, and he wanted to make sure that she sees it for herself. He supported her through and through, and he stood by her side when her first trial ended in tragedy.

He eventually got poisoned by Dahlia Hawthorne, putting him into a coma for five years. He reawakens, learns of Mia’s death, and changes his identity to Godot. Ever since then, he builds up a deep loathing towards Phoenix Wright.

His hatred for Phoenix can be compared to Franziska von Karma’s hatred; but unlike her, there is a much more deeper connection between them. This is a deep, messy, traumatic and tragic story that tangled two unfortunate people together. There is a proper reason to be angry at someone here; a reason that isn’t even clear at a glance.

His hatred towards Phoenix stems from the hatred towards himself. This is called displacement; a defense mechanism that involves transferring negative feelings from one thing to another. In this case, Godot projects his self-loathing onto Phoenix to avoid blaming himself. Which obviously isn’t a good thing, or even a healthy thing. It can easily cause problems with relationships. But the important thing to consider is why did he have to cope like that in the first place? Well, because he had no other way. He didn’t just jump to that method immediately, he would’ve gone through other ways first, but those methods didn’t work out for him. It’s a process of trial and error until he had no choice but to use risky tactics. He has nobody to confide in, he nearly died in one of the most brutal ways imaginable, he woke up blind and suffers from chronic pain and depression, he needs to make frequent visits to the hospital, the world has moved on without him, and ultimately his girlfriend was murdered while he was in a coma. Then he finds out that the one person who was by her side seemingly failed to protect her and got to inherit her law office as a result, despite being an “incompetent” rookie.

It’s a lot for one person to take in, and enough to make anyone break down. Imagine how pissed he would be once he found out some amateur took over his girlfriend’s law office (the same guy who let your own murderer run free for eight months, which is the murderer who put you in a coma, preventing you from doing anything about your girlfriend’s demise) and that amateur renamed the law office after himself just after she got murdered. I would also direct my grief and anger towards this bozo too. He gets to have all this glory from doing nothing? I can understand why Godot would want him to have some consequences at the very least.

And this is a law office that Godot never had the pleasure of working in or even seeing for himself. And all of that was just given to Phoenix after only two trials under his belt. Not only did Godot have everything taken away from him; everything that Mia also had was given to someone who (in his perspective) didn’t deserve it. Phoenix is living in Mia’s success over Godot’s monumental loss. Mia basically died for Phoenix’s benefit. Meanwhile Godot lost everything he lived for, and Phoenix unknowingly took that away from him too.

Of course, Phoenix did not have any control over that. However, in Godot’s perspective, it would simply look like Phoenix took Mia’s place without a second thought.

The only things Godot knew about Phoenix was:

- He stood in Mia’s rightful place, having the nerve to take over when she died.

- He helped to conceal Dahlia’s necklace which allowed her to live freely without consequences yet again, resulting in Diego’s attempted murder to be unsolved for eight months.

Godot shows clear signs of the stages of grief, bargaining being a big one. He definitely asked a lot of “what ifs” to himself, like “What if I could’ve saved her?” “What if he saved her?” “What if I didn’t drink that stupid poison?” “Would I have woken up sooner if he didn’t hide the bottle of poison?” Considering he has nobody to confide in, he only has himself to ask these questions to. He only had himself to figure out what he must do next; and because of that he quickly spiralled into a huge depression, and tunnel-visioned onto Phoenix until he believed that he was responsible for Mia’s demise. This is the result of no therapy and no friends or family. Even less than that, he lost his eyesight, hair colour and good health too. His promising life was ripped away from him and some bozo got it all for free! How’s one person supposed to comprehend so much trauma effectively in his position? How was he supposed to think rationally after what he went through?

He had all of these problems suddenly thrown onto him and he had no time to mentally process any of them. Not only did he have to learn to adapt to being blind; living with the fact that he’s never gonna be the same again, and recover from a five year coma with nobody waiting for him — he didn’t even have the time to grieve for Mia.

He went through in his mind that he was responsible for “letting Mia die” before blaming Phoenix as a coping mechanism. At first, he would’ve went through suicidal thoughts because he couldn’t live with the fact that he “let Mia die.” Then in his mind, it clicked for him. The fastest way to atone for “letting Mia die” was to protect her little sister, Maya. If he couldn’t protect Mia, then he should at least protect Maya to make up for it. This became one of the two reasons for him to live. He really didn’t want to feel like a failure to Mia so he became obsessed with needing to protect whoever was important to her. Because that’s what she would want, right? He’s worthy enough for Mia, right? Worthy enough to be forgiven even though he left her to die, right? Godot doesn’t know. He doesn’t know how much she had changed over those five years, and he can only remember her as the little rookie he had so much hope for. For all he knows, Mia could’ve forgotten all about him, and that thought terrified him. But at the same time, he probably thought it was for the best. What he doesn’t know, is that Mia never forgot about him, and she wants him to be saved. And no, that does not mean she wants him to join her in Heaven so soon after waking up. It means she wants him to live the life that she doesn’t have anymore. If he knew this, he would do it for her.

His other reason for living was Phoenix. He needed to see the one person who Mia had taught, and test if he was truly capable and worthy of taking her place. He had to see for himself just what kind of person Phoenix was. After all, this is the guy who supposedly took everything away from him; does he really deserve it? He also really needed an emotional punching bag to avoid hurting himself, and Phoenix was, unfortunately, the perfect candidate. He’s a lawyer, he “failed” to protect Mia, he was “dumb” enough to be manipulated by Dahlia. It’ll be just like hating himself except he’s directing it to somebody else. It’s the only way he can process his anger and grief. This is what displacement is.

Speaking of displacement, it isn’t an excuseable behaviour by any means, but it does put into perspective on how he keeps his emotions together. Despite placing the blame and hatred onto Phoenix, he’s really comparing himself to Phoenix. But what he doesn’t realise is that Mia’s death is neither his or Phoenix’s fault. He’s so stuck on the fact that Mia’s death could’ve been prevented that he became blind to the real facts of the matter. The stage of bargaining really does have a strong chokehold on him.

Godot latched onto that belief so tightly that he ended up believing his own lie. Thus, he gaslit himself into believing Phoenix was actually responsible for Mia’s death, which in turn led to his seething anger and hatred towards Phoenix. Godot was terrified of being the one responsible for letting Mia die, so he had no choice but to believe in his own lie. If Phoenix can’t be blamed, then Godot is the only other one responsible; in his perspective anyway.

A neat little symbolism that I’ve noticed for Godot is the whole “hiding behind a mask” aspect. He’s a man of mystery, both in origin and appearance. Not only does he have the benefit of hiding behind a mask, but he often speaks in a quiet and calm manner to hide his vulnerability.

Every so often his calm yet cryptic demeanour cracks, and his true vulnerable nature seeps through. We see this for the first time when Mia gets channeled towards the end of 3-2. He instantly recognises her, and he completely freezes and goes silent. After a couple minutes of silence on his end, the judge asks if he’s alright, resulting in Godot snapping back into reality. Then he decides to let Phoenix do the final cross-examination, even though it’s not at all beneficial to his case. The only reason he did that was because Mia was there, and he could never say no to her, especially not when he feels like he’s betrayed her; he feels that he owes her everything, even his own life. She’s essentially his biggest weakness.

Then there’s the moment where he realised that he missed Maya’s name written in blood in 3-5. He realised that, once again, he failed Mia. Therefore he panics. He doesn’t panic when being accused of murder mind you, because he knows he deserves the consequences. But the fact that he panics over Maya being accused really tells me that he puts someone, who he doesn’t actually know that well, above himself. If he can’t save Maya, then he’s worthless. That’s what’s running through his mind at that moment.

He’s been panicking ever since Misty Fey died, even worse when Maya suddenly disappeared. So much more heavy burdens are weighing him down, and he knows that he set something into motion that he can’t undo. Does that sound familiar? That’s because he said that exact same thing to Phoenix. Projection strikes again! This is when his coping mechanism is at its absolute worst, and understandably so. His self-hatred was racing to him like an avalanche, therefore his anger and hatred comes to Phoenix the exact same way. He suddenly brings up Mia’s death for seemingly no reason, but in Godot’s perspective, that old incident has been fresh on his mind the entire time. To him it seemed like everyone moved on too quickly, and it hurt him so much in ways that he can’t even describe. How dare they move on while he’s still suffering?

Godot has been feeling shame ever since he woke up from his coma and found out about Mia’s murder. It wasn’t until he saw Mia’s spirit alongside Phoenix near the end of 3-5 where the shame and hatred disappeared. It was then replaced with regret. He realises that he was wrong and that he did terrible things to Phoenix, and he believes his actions were inexcusable. He feels immense guilt about the way he treated Phoenix, and he thinks he should’ve directed his anger towards himself all along, or as he puts it, the one who he couldn’t truly forgive was himself. He even questions if he really wanted to save Maya at all — he can’t trust his own intentions anymore. This sudden realisation makes him blind to his own good intentions that he was previously dependent on throughout the whole story. He then heaps all of the blame onto himself, (similar to Mia’s behaviour at the end of 3-4) but Phoenix and Maya believe that his good intentions were genuine, and they try to make him realise this, which results in him finally crying for the first time.

This is the moment where he finally releases his true emotions after keeping them bottled up for so long. Tired from keeping his shields up, all he can do is cry. This is the equivalent of Maya releasing Dahlia’s demonic spirit out of her body — his feelings are that intense. The demonic spirit in this case is his “Godot” persona. Diego has finally been saved from the “evil spirit” that has been cursing him this entire time. Remember how exhausted Maya was after channelling Dahlia? Well, imagine how exhausted Diego must be after being “possessed” by Godot the past year. Phoenix and Mia didn’t just exorcise one evil spirit that day, and Mia certainly seems to know this when she told Phoenix that he saved Diego. Maybe Phoenix will realise this later.

Godot wanted to be caught, and he wanted Phoenix to be the one to catch him. He didn’t want neither Phoenix nor Maya to overlook the mistakes he made but rather bring out the truth, no matter how painful it was. He believed that they’re strong enough to handle the truth, which shows that he really does respect them.

He’s not a bad person. He’s morally grey. He’s only human. He’s the most human character there is. Irrational, imperfect, emotional and selfless. He’s not entirely hateful, he’s scared. He’s grieving. He’s not rational, he’s traumatised. He distances himself from others and paints himself in a bad light. He doesn’t take pride in himself, he doesn’t care about what others think of him. He just wants to find reasons to live and be at peace with Mia’s death.

The “Worst” Prosecutor?

A huge misconception about Godot that I’ve come to notice is that he is another prosecutor who cares about maintaining a perfect win record — which is just… blatantly incorrect. Godot did joke about being a “legendary prosecutor who never lost a case” at the beginning, but that’s all it is: a joke. He was mocking the other prosecutors because he is very aware that a lot of them care about that more than anything; he wasn’t boasting about himself at all, just taking a stab at previous prosecutors because he has had enough with that reoccurring issue. He was the one who wanted to break that chain. He has no doubt dealt with these kinds of prosecutors when he was a defence attorney, so why would he want to become the thing that he disapproved of?

Plus Godot has a history of making fun of people, so him mocking other prosecutors for being so pretentious and full of themselves is not hard to believe.

More prosecutors need to take a page out of Godot’s book and learn how to take an L. Godot knows how to accept defeat, and that’s something all good prosecutors should do. Good prosecutors aren’t the ones with perfect win records, it’s actually the ones who fight for the truth and are able to accept the losses if it comes down to that.

The fact that the fandom declares Godot as the worst prosecutor because he never won a case is just so absurd to me, because the second game teaches you that a perfect win record doesn’t mean shit. It’s clear from the outset that Godot doesn’t care about a perfect win record, and would much rather find the truth on top of testing Phoenix’s capabilities. Godot doesn’t even let his own witnesses lie for his benefit, because he only wants to win legitimately. If that’s not a good prosecutor, I don’t know what is. (Also I believe Mia herself said “I don’t plan on winning through paper-thin lies” so there’s another neat parallel between them 🥰)

Godot’s motive for being a prosecutor was so that he could challenge Phoenix in the courtroom, as well as protecting Maya. He didn’t necessarily care about winning, he just wanted to test if Phoenix was truly capable of being Mia’s successor; and he wanted to believe that for himself. Phoenix was the only one who could pass on Mia’s legacy, and he really didn’t want that to go to waste. So who better than himself (the one who taught Mia everything she knew) should test Phoenix’s ability to be Mia’s protégé? Godot was making sure that Mia’s (and his own) teachings didn’t go to waste.

Then there’s still the matter of his hatred towards Phoenix. Despite gaslighting himself into hating him, he still believed in Phoenix deep down. He also wanted to be proven wrong. Proven wrong that Mia’s death was Phoenix’s fault, and to be proven wrong that Phoenix would never be half the lawyer Mia was. He secretly wanted to be saved by Phoenix.

In the end, because of Phoenix’s actions, Godot finally came to terms with himself and accepted that Phoenix wasn’t to blame at all. Godot made Phoenix prove that he is in fact worthy of being Mia’s successor, and he proved that neither one of them should be blamed for Mia’s death. Phoenix saved Godot, and that wouldn’t have happened if Godot didn’t challenge Phoenix so much to begin with. In my opinion, Godot has been Phoenix’s most challenging opponent as a lawyer. He tested his capabilities, his beliefs, his moral compass, everything — because that’s how much Phoenix really meant to him.

So Godot’s “perfect win record”? That never mattered to him ever. All he cared about was Mia’s legacy living on. He never felt damaged because of a trial loss, he felt damaged because he was slowly accepting that Phoenix didn’t fail Mia. He doesn’t care that he never won a single case as a prosecutor, and he shouldn’t be made fun of because of that either. Because perfect win records mean absolutely nothing in general. This perfectionism issue all started because of Manfred von Karma, and it should die with him as well. Let’s not have it rubbing off on the prosecutors who have nothing to do with him.

Godot is the first prosecutor who gives no fucks about winning for the sake of perfection. He genuinely wants to find the truth; he believed in that as a defence attorney and he still believes that as a prosecutor.

Godot is Phoenix’s ultimate parallel. Godot is what Phoenix could have been if he were pushed to the extremes. Whatever Phoenix throws at him, Godot throws it right back. He copies Phoenix’s methods in order to truly test his capabilities as a lawyer. He wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine. He wanted to find out how well Phoenix can actually do when being opposed by himself, so Godot takes on that role. He prosecutes in a manner of a defence attorney, and this happens to be a challenge that Phoenix struggles with the most. Phoenix had prosecutors stumped many times in the past and now he’s finally the one who gets to witness what it’s like to be on the receiving end of that kind of trickery.

It makes sense, given that the person who taught Phoenix to use these kinds of tactics (such as bluffing) was Mia Fey. Of course, Mia learned this from none other than Diego himself. Godot testing Phoenix’s abilities this way makes perfect sense. Then it all comes full circle when Phoenix surpasses Godot’s expectations. The student has surpassed the master.

Godot is the perfect antithesis of Phoenix. They both have the same driving force but with one major difference; one had support while the other had nothing. If they swapped places, they would still fit each other’s roles. If Phoenix didn’t have the support he had, he would end up just like Godot.

Godot insulting and bullying Phoenix is also kind of a parallel to Phoenix’s snarky remarks to the people around him. The difference is that Godot reserves the most bitter snarky remarks towards Phoenix specifically. All of that is tied to his misguided hatred towards him due to Mia’s murder, but the way he insults Phoenix is so similar to how Phoenix insults other people. It’s another example of Godot giving Phoenix a taste of his own medicine.

Misogyny Allegations

Oh boy, here we go.

Godot’s whole purpose of character development is that he’s learning how to properly grieve and accept the loss of his loved one and learning how to move on. He goes through a painful lesson of humility by realising how important Phoenix’s role is and seeing how competent he grew to be. How does him being misogynistic correlate to any of that? It doesn’t. Anything misogynistic interprated from him is by the fault of the writers. You can see that with almost all the characters in this series; they have at least one moment where they say something blatantly sexist. Even characters like Gumshoe, Maya and Mia have had these moments.

Godot doesn’t even have that many moments where he says something sexist, and when he does it always comes off as out of character for him; along with the others. Just because he often talks about being manly, doesn’t mean he’s being sexist. He loves being a man, and he’s comfortable with that identity. That’s how many men feel, especially trans men.

In the anime, where the same story is being told, there were some interesting changes in the writing. All the out-of-pocket sexist writing from the games have been completely removed, further proving my point that the sexism in most characters are not intentional, and it’s the (game’s) writers themselves being misogynistic.

A character can’t be sexist purely because they’ve been written by sexist people. If you think Godot is sexist because of this, then you also have to say that all the other characters are as well, because they are guilty of the exact same thing. You can’t let favouritism pick and choose who you ignore the writing for. There’s evidence of other characters saying even more sexist stuff, but they get a free pass because it’s just them being “out of character.” But when this happens to Godot once or twice, he gets labelled as a “misogynistic asshole” and it’s deemed his only character trait. Why should Godot have to carry all the blame for this? Especially when he’s one of the few dark-skinned, disabled characters in the series? The Ace Attorney fandom is not beating the racism allegations.

Also, do you really think Mia would fall in love with a man like that? Someone who’s only character trait is misogyny? She wouldn’t. The reason she does fall in love with him is because he has many admirable qualities, and he believed in her when she needed support.

Now, there are characters who are actually written to be sexist, like Redd White, Matt Engarde and Dahlia Hawthorne. But guess what? They don’t even get nearly the same amount of backlash for the sexism allegations, even though they are fully intended to be that way.

Redd White attributes women as just accessories to his image (April May) and using them as scapegoats whenever he’s in trouble. He’s also described as a “lady killer.”

Matt Engarde is known as a “player with women.” He only views women as his toys until he gets bored of them and throws them away. One of them, as we know of, commits suicide over this. He also has that fragile “male pride.”

Dahlia Hawthorne attributes femininity as something that's weak and fragile who always needs to be saved, while the “horrible” men around her take the blame for the "pure, innocent” woman. Victimizing herself at its finest.

These are brilliant examples of writing sexism into characters. All three of these examples are characters who are antagonistic, selfish, and deserve no sympathy. Characters can be well-written and sexist if that’s supposed to be the writer’s intent. But with Godot, he’s not written with that intent in mind; anything sexist that comes from him always comes out of left field and feels very out of his character. Lots of other characters in this series have this exact same problem; such as Phoenix, Gumshoe, Mia and Maya and so on. Godot clearly is in the same boat as the other characters I’ve just listed off, but as I’ve mentioned before, he doesn’t get that free pass. The fact that he’s the one dark-skinned character not getting the free pass despite him being in the same boat is very suspicious. It’s as if the dark-skinned characters all must have that sexism trait. Why should that be if you’re not racist, hm?

Just a small footnote: I wanted to include Morgan Fey as one of the sexist characters but thinking about it some more I realise that a lot of it is just an interpretation, not something in canon text. It’s easy to interpret her as sexist due to her being reliant on her old fashioned values and her being suspicious of men entering the village, but that’s not something entirely concrete. It’s still an interesting thing to think about tho!

Going back to the main point, I'd like to add that I think a lot of people refuse to look deeper into Godot’s character and rather simplify him down to the sexist faults; not just because of racism, but fandom bias towards the characters as well.

For example, they’ve known Edgeworth longer and try to excuse his behavior as a fault of Manfred von Karma indirectly teaching him these values. And because of the fandom’s bias towards Edgeworth and against Godot, despite both being flawed characters with trauma written by sexist writers, one gets excused and defended while the other recieves the brunt of the hate for it.

Edgeworth had many moments where he’s sexist, even after his Bratworth phase. Him calling Mia a bimbo is far from the only occurrence of his sexism. He always views women to be inferior to men, especially when it comes to physical strength. It’s especially apparent in the first trilogy, such as him defending Iris’ innocence by claiming she’s too weak to use a sword as a weapon purely because she’s a woman, and him claiming that Valerie Hawthorne turned her back on Terry Fawles because he was a big scary man with a knife — even though she had police training and had a gun on her own person. He even specified that if the criminal was a “quaggy” woman like Mia, Valerie would’ve acted differently.

Here’s screenshots of the second example if you don’t believe me:

Edgeworth is a flawed character and I believe that sexism is intentionally written to be one of his many flaws. I can definitely see that it’s something he learned from Manfred, but that should not excuse his behaviour. You can enjoy a flawed character such as Edgeworth without needing to defend him and his flaws; because when you do that, you’re going to sound like you approve of the horrible things he’s done. Just because he changes overtime should not mean that all the bad things he did in the past should be forgotten about. A big part of his character development should be him getting humbled and taking responsibility for his actions and mistakes, not running away from it and making excuses.

I’ve seen Edgeworth fans defend his sexism by saying things such as “He’s only like that because of von Karma, it’s not his fault!” “He has autism and he is gay, therefore he can do whatever he wants”, “Well that’s Bratworth for ya!”, “He got better!”, “Franziska wouldn’t let him!” (I actually saw all those responses on twitter, big surprise 💀)

First of all, he’s a grown-ass adult, he knows exactly what he’s doing and he’s definitely old enough to be held accountable for his actions. Secondly, being autistic and gay doesn’t give him an excuse to be a shitty person; you can be autistic and gay and still have a horrible attitude like a lot of other people. Thirdly, saying “that’s Bratworth for you!” has major “boys will be boys” vibes when said boy is tormenting women, which is a disgusting thing to say.

And then there’s Franziska. Not gonna sugarcoat it, she’s intentionally written to be sexist too. A well-written sexist but still sexist nonetheless. Out of her own insecurity she lashes out and puffs herself up, trying to one-up people; women included. She seems to be extremely determined to prove herself to be better than the "men of the court.” Though for Franz, it could be that she became sexist towards men because she entered that workforce from the pressure of her father, and needed to keep up her image.

Now that I’m writing this, I’ve realised Franziska is kind of the antithesis of Dahlia, who is another intentionally well-written sexist character. Dahlia wants to appear weak and fragile and innocent. Franz wants to appear capable, confident, and strong; someone who is able to uphold her own image to get out of her brother's shadow. Yet they both act the same when confronted about this fact.

Because at the end of 2-4, Franz runs away wanting revenge on Phoenix and Edgeworth, and she cries at the fact that she isn’t ready to be left behind again. At the end of 3-5, Dahlia is forced away by the power of exorcism, and her last moments of grasping on the physical world was her crying about how she isn't ready to leave, and wanting a forever vendetta against Mia Fey specifically.

They both act aggressively when being confronted and their facade breaks, they just want to appear differently. They both also inflicted a heavy source of trauma onto Maya and Phoenix.

Edgeworth and Franziska are good characters, but they are far from good people. You can enjoy their flaws without resorting to defending them. It’s perfectly fine to enjoy them! But trying to put down Godot for having similar flaws only to uplift the other group of characters is just wrong. Demonizing people who enjoy Godot for his flaws is even worse. Let fans enjoy things ffs— This is why I think a lot of Edgeworth and Franziska fans have huge biases when explaining why they hate Godot so much.

We can appreciate the characters for what they are; like and dislike them for our personal reasons, and it’s best not to engage with people wanting to start arguments. For example, I really don’t like Franz but I can understand her character and see how she must've felt being raised by a severely strict perfectionist. Being held up to so many expectations and standards at such a young age can make you a complicated person, to say the least.

But that’s besides the point. Going back to the biased hatred towards Godot, the fandom tends to ignore how much trust Godot places in women. He trusted Mia, Maya, Misty and Iris — to name a few. This doesn’t mean he sees all women as being sweet and innocent all the time, but he sees women being just as competent as men; whether it’s them being good or evil. With Mia he saw her as a strong, bold and intelligent woman. He believed in her capabilities as a lawyer and as a person. Not once did he think of taking Mia’s place in 3-4 because he had doubts about her, in fact he encouraged her to take the lead the entire time.

With Dahlia he saw her as a threat; he feared her. He wanted to catch her because he knew how dangerous she was. He took her seriously because he knows how competent she was. He almost got killed by her, resulting in his severe trauma later on. And the reason he ended up acting so recklessly in 3-5 was because he knew firsthand how terrifying she is.

And just because he wants to protect Mia and Maya, doesn’t mean he views them as weak things that need to be saved. Adding along to this, if the ghost of someone who tried to kill me was going after somebody else I care about, and I had little time to prepare, yeah, I’d be desperately trying to find all the help I can get too!

He thinks he’s failed Mia before and he’s terrified of failing again. He wants to protect Maya because he knows that’s exactly what Mia would’ve wanted. It doesn't make you weak or fragile to accept help when you need it. The rhetoric that you need to do everything yourself and burden yourself with those responsibilities, all the while dealing with your own trauma and self-inflicted guilt, yeah— no thanks. I'd rather get the help than succumb to my own bad thoughts.

Fandom assuming Godot is sexist for wanting to protect Maya and Mia because of his own motivations is, in of itself, sexist. You see a manly character wanting to protect a woman in need and you immediately think “ew that’s sexist!” Why is that sexist? It’s been canonically stated that he’s been doing this through grief and trauma, but the fandom views it as him being sexist just because he puts on an image of a “manly man.” The fandom accuses him of being sexist but the points they are making to prove their argument are in itself sexist. The fandom is becoming the very thing they swore to destroy.

Manly men can (and should!) be able to accept help too! That’s Godot’s whole arc with Phoenix! He struggled with figuring out who he should be asking for help from. And good lord does he need it. But when he tries to get help, he’s accused of being a misogynist again! He also gets a lot of hate because he didn’t ask for Phoenix’s help from the very beginning. Bro’s been through so much trauma, you can’t expect him to be rational about everything. It’s so frustrating seeing that he just can’t seem to win no matter what he does. It’s all just biased bashing on a character at this point.

This argument is giving people who comments "Men used to go to war" under posts about a man making a smoothie or something because it’s just a smidge of not being the "standard" for masculine men. A manly man wanting to help those who are important to him is not a toxic masculine trait. It’s human compassion. If it’s fine for women to feel that then it should be fine for men too.

Plus, the fandom ignores the blatantly feminine things Godot does too. He’s a true manly man because he can accept both of the masculine and feminine aspects of himself. He flirts with men all the time, he admits when he blushes over receiving compliments, he loves strong and soft women, and he has a lot of silly moments too.

He flirts with Luke Atmey, Ron Delite, Jean Armstrong, and even Phoenix! He says things like “cut it out, you’re making me blush.” He even had a moment where he giggles to himself because Jean Armstrong was flirting with him. He’s able to do a spot-on voice impression of Desiree Delite. He’s brave enough to let himself cry, and he even hurts himself physically to show that he’s hurt emotionally. He does this because he’s so adapted to fooling others with his smile.

You can tell which characters are intentionally written to be sexist just from the way they behave. Antagonists and villains often use sexism to their benefit, using it as a weapon or as a way to protect themselves. They also have a deep-rooted source of where that sexism came from, which continuously grows as they age. Meanwhile characters who don’t have that intention always falls flat and goes absolutely nowhere with it.

I really think what sets apart Edgeworth's sexism from Godot's supposed sexism really comes down to the people they're talking about, and the context behind the scenes. Godot was targeting Franziska's position of power and her immaturity while she was acting all high and mighty; he did this to make her feel intimidated by him which ultimately made her shut up. She doesn’t whip people who are willing to stand up for themselves, and Godot figured that out. Godot’s sexism only came about because he was copying Franziska’s tactics in order to nerf her power. He could tell that she feels stronger when making men feel inferior, so he took a page out of her book and threw it right back at her. He tends to mimic his opponents’ tactics no matter who it is, it just so happens in this instance, his opponent uses sexism as a weapon, and so he reflected it back at her as a result. (Ofc this is still not excuseable on Godot’s part, nor am I defending this, but it’s an instance where his sexism makes sense, without it being one of his character traits. I also find it so interesting that he decided to handle her behaviour this way.)

This can also be attributed to the fact that the writers just felt like writing in a sexist line because that was a product of its time. This is one of the few examples that could be either source, because both sources are spontaneous.

With Edgeworth, he constantly talked down to Mia simply because she’s a woman. Even during her murder case, he spoke ill of her even though they only met once. His source of sexism is woven into his character because he was influenced by a corrupt man. He can’t have both excuses of being taught by a corrupt man and the writers making him out of character, because those are two completely different sources that contradict each other. One source is deep-rooted while the other is spontaneous, it can’t be both at once. Considering Edgeworth’s source of sexism is consistantly tied to his character arc, tells me that he’s intentionally written to be sexist.

And that’s not to say that sexism is Edgeworth’s entire personality. Even the characters that I accused of being sexist also have other character traits besides that, and I explained how they are all well-written. I’m not bashing on their characters simply because of this one flaw. So tell me how I’m being biased due to me being a Godot fan? Godot is the character who gets the most unfair treatment because of this issue when it’s something that’s common with the majority of the cast. It’s the reason why I made this long post so I can identify that this is an extremely ridiculous problem within the fandom, and it really needs to be called out. You’re allowed to like or dislike a character without having to demonize anybody. This one flaw of Godot’s character (that’s not even supposed to be intentional mind you, and can be interpreted in many different ways) is used as an excuse to specifically shit on a morally grey dark-skinned character, in a series full of morally grey characters. There’s plenty of characters in this series that have done much, much worse things than he did, but they don’t get nearly as much hate as he does.

The next point I want to talk about is the petnames Godot uses, particularly the “Kitten” petname. He often used it when referring to Mia, because him and her were dating. It’s not uncommon for couples to use cute petnames when referring to one another.

The argument that the fandom tends to use when hating on Godot/Diego is that he’s supposed to be her coworker and he calls her that term to be condescending towards her, and that it makes Mia uncomfortable. Well let me tell you, this is just objectively untrue. Mia does not feel uncomfortable with Diego’s “Kitten” petname for her. She never told him to stop calling her that; you can literally read her inner monologue, and not once has she ever thought about hating the petname, or ever felt uncomfortable around him. She never even lays a finger on him to tell him off. She certainly did that plenty to Grossberg later, she even steps on Phoenix’s foot to tell him off in the anime, she also thought about strangling Edgeworth too, but she never did so much of a slap to Diego. So clearly, she’s completely fine with him.

So what’s the problem then? Are you that insecure that you can’t handle the idea that Mia has a loving boyfriend? Is it really that upsetting to see a man having Mia Fey to himself? They both consent to the Kitten petname, so where’s the problem?

And the reason we don’t see Mia calling him Kitten in return is because we only see them interact in the courtroom. Mia’s not the type to behave like that in that kind of place, but we’ve definitely seen her to be more flirty outside of a trial. Such as when she seduces Victor Kudo for information, and when she offered Phoenix dinner and drinks to celebrate their victory. This makes it easy for me to believe that Mia flirts with Diego outside of a trial, and most likely uses the “Kitten” petname back at him, especially as she got older.

Also Diego calling people “Kitten” isn’t even sexist. He doesn’t solely call women kittens. He’s given the petname to men as well. Such as Ron. He used the same kitten metaphors for Phoenix, particularly with using claws, and he referred to Furio Tigre as a cat several times. Plus he generally has an animal theme going when thinking of nicknames for people. There’s “wild tiger”, “zebra boy”, “cub”, “filly”, “mare” etc.

Another dumb point I’ve seen is that the fandom thinks Diego was harassing Mia simply because they’re coworkers. You can be coworkers and lovers at the same time. Phoenix and Edgeworth are technically coworkers and they’re constantly shipped together by said fandom. If it’s fine for them then it should be fine for Miego too. Diego isn’t even that much older than her either, by about 4 or 5 years. And no, just because he’s older than her, it does not mean he’s taking advantage of her. They’re both grown-ass adults, and they were both in their twenties when they first met.

You’re allowed to not ship them, but you can’t deny that they’re intentionally written to be lovers. They are canon lovers. More canon than Wrightworth will ever be. Their character arcs revolve around their relationship, and their relationship ties together the main story.

Diego being “intentionally” written as a misogynist goes against his character arc. It goes against the fact that he always saw men and women as equals, and it goes against the fact that he put his faith in many women all the way to the end. The random sexist moments contradicts his character, and there weren’t many moments like that to begin with.

Hey, good job making it to the end! There was a lot to unpack there, especially since this is a debate that I’ve witnessed firsthand for almost 8 years! I wanted to put a lot of time and research into this to make it as informative and unbiased as possible. Clearly Godot is a character that means so much to me, and I absolutely had to go over this huge topic so that newer (and older) fans have a better understanding of this issue.

I hope this was an interesting, and maybe, enjoyable read! I really love making long analysis posts like this, and I definitely got more on the way! It’s fun to engage with the fandom like this. Feel free to share your thoughts as long as you keep it civil! ^-^

Have a great day/night! :3

[nightghoul381]

A False Promise to the Pure White Bride

Nica Schwartz ~ Chapter 2

This a fan translation so it is definitely not 100% accurate. I do not own anything related to Ikemen Villains. Support Cybird by buying their amazing stories!

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Premium End | Epilogue

Just as Nica had said, we walked down the corridor and came to a courtyard.

As we walked through the beautiful garden, he suddenly stopped in his tracks.

Kate: “Nica? What’s wrong?”

What lay before our eyes was a plant with small white flowers—a patch of clover.

I bent down in front of the clover, and as he crouched down next to me, we started reminiscing about trivial memories.

Kate: “When I was little, I often looked for four-leaf clovers, but I could never find any.”

Kate: “I’ve stopped looking for them…”

As I was staring blankly into the clovers, Nica suddenly stuck his hand into it.

Nica: “…Ah, here we are.”

Kate: “Huh, wait, a four-leaf clover!?”

He was holding a small four-leaf clover in his hand.

Kate: “Just finding one is amazing, but how did you manage to do it so quickly…”

Nica: “I’m a lucky guy, that’s why I found it instantly.”

He placed the four-leaf clover in my hand and looked into the distance.

Nica: “I used to find them a lot and give them to Ring.”

Nica: “He wanted one so badly but couldn’t find one, so I found it for him.”

Nica: “…it’s always been like that.”

Kate: “Hehe, you two get along well. And you’re a great big brother.”

Nica: “Yeah, well we were a family of two.”

I listened to Nica’s story, squinting at the good fortune that had been handed to me.

However, there was something lonely about the tone of his voice…

Nica: “Ring has nothing without me.”

(Nica…?)

Sensing that something was wrong, I reached out my hand towards him.

However—

???: “Hey, what are you doing here?”

A voice came from behind us, and I stopped and turned around.

There was a man standing there.

Nica: “I was looking for a four-leaf clover so that tomorrow’s ceremony would go well.”

When I turned to Nica, he was smiling as usual.

(Maybe I misunderstood.)

When the man saw the clover in my palm, he turned toward me with a happy face.

???: “I see, I’m glad you found one.”

???: “I’m sure your wedding will go well.”

Kate: “Um, you are…”

Startled, the man straightened his back and cleared his throat.

Benjamin: “I’m Benjamin, an assistant to the pastor of the church in Tiamo.”

Suddenly a wind blew behind Benjamin and I smelled something.

(Perfume?)

As I tilted my head at the unfamiliar scent, from beside me, the corners of Nica’s lips curled up and he muttered something.

Nica: “…So that’s what this is.”

Kate: “Nica, did you just say th—”

Children’s voices: “There he is!!!”

My shoulders jumped at the earsplitting voice, but my shock was fleeting.

The little girls all ran up to Benjamin.

Petite girl: “Hey, I still have work to do. I can’t wait any longer!”

The girls grabbed Benjamin’s sleeves and puffed out their cheeks.

Nica: “You’re pretty popular, aren’t you.”

Benjamin: “Thankfully.”

(It’s like the girls are in love with the guy they admire.)

However, one seemed to be gazing at Benjamin with a somewhat dazed look on her face.

Benjamin: “I’ll excuse myself now. Best of luck for tomorrow.”

He took the girls and left.

Kate: “That guy…”

Nica: “Did you notice something strange, robin? That guy's the target this time.”

Nica sighed, looking annoyed.

Nica: “We suspect that man is cursed.”

Nica: “If that is the case, he wanted to make them a part of our family, so he asked me to go undercover and find out.”

(I think there was something odd about the girls.)

The girls had looked enchanted, so perhaps Benjamin was using some kind of power on them.

(It’s possible that he was using his ability without even realizing it…)

If he was using his abilities without realizing it, I wanted to do something about it—

Nica: “Well, I guess I achieved my goal.”

Kate: “Huh?”

Nica stood up and held out his hand.

Nica: “Let’s go back, the dress may have arrived.”

Grabbing his hand, I stood up and we headed back the way we had come.

As we arrived in front of the room, I suddenly remembered the bed.

Kate: “Nica, about the bed…”

Nica: “Robin, you must really want to sleep with me that badly.”

Nica: “It’s fine, you can sleep next to me. Don’t complain if I touch you.”

Kate: “That’s not it!”

He stroked my head and smiled gently.

Nica: “I’ll sleep on the sofa, you sleep on the bed.”

Nica: “Get a good night’s sleep and show me your best self in that dress.”

I suppose it was only natural that I was unexpectedly aroused by that gesture.

The next day, I was standing beside him in the dress of my dreams.

(I never thought I’d wear it like this, but I’m still happy.)

Nica: “It suits you. You’re beautiful, Kate.”

Nica, looking handsome in a tuxedo, whispered compliments to me, making me even more excited.

(But even so…)

In sickness and in health, I looked up at the words that came from the pastor’s mouth.

Chaplain of Tiamo: “Do you swear to love each other?”

(Maybe I should swear on this.)

Benjamin, standing next to the pastor, looked at me with expectant eyes.

(I don’t know when Nica’s mission will end, so I think it’s best I tell him.)

I spoke up because I thought it would be suspicious if I got married without saying vows, even if they were fake.

However, Nica spoke before I could—

Nica: “I do not.”

Kate: “Huh…?”

Surprised, I looked next to me and saw that he had a more serious expression on his face than I had ever seen before.

Nica: “I won’t pledge my love, because this is a fake wedding.”

Nica: “I don’t have anything to swear by.”

He glared at Benjamin, who was standing beside the pastor, and continued.

Nica: “There is no truth in this place, only human ugliness.”

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Premium End | Epilogue

[geekynichelle]

Slight spoilers...

Also just to get this out of the way, I don't mean anything I'm going to say in a "woe is me/reverse colorism is real" kind of way, I just want to be matter of fact. That, and both my parents are Black so my ancestry isn't the same as Hailee Steinfeld, but I am somewhat ambiguous looking.

Right before I saw the movie a video was recommended to me about the character of Mary in Sinners, and obviously I didn't watch it in case there were spoilers, but the title implied that the person felt like she was a character that didn't work. Based on what happens in the movie though, I kinda disagree because without her a few things do change and she does move the plot forward.

"What are you?" is a question Mary gets asked by Sammie, and it's one I've gotten often growing up. I sorta wish I'd answered "human" sarcastically since I never really had a problem with being dry witted with other topics. It got me in the habit of constantly feeling the need to explain myself to others, although to be clear I did get that question more from white people. Operating in that weird area of privilege and marginalization can be rather alienating at times, and from experience it is a bit dehumanizing especially if no one else can really relate and you don't want to come across as acting like you have it the hardest of all. I feel comfortable when I'm around Black people, and I've never tried to pass for white, but I don't like to pretend I experience Blackness the way the vast majority of Black people in America (or even in my own family) do. I've worked through any lingering identity issues I've had in the past, but when I'm out with my mom's side of the family especially, I do feel like I look like Mary, a pale face that stands out. Mary's attempt to use her privilege to get the 411 on the white vampires backfiring is sorta what it feels like to be around white people that portray themselves as safe and cool. If you lower your guard you will get eaten, and passing won't help you then.

I don't know what could have worked for her in the 1930s, because I can't imagine not being able to be around my family for their safety and mine. I do know that considering the themes of Sinners, her identity issues directly relate to the idea of true community and acceptance. The asian couple weren't Black at all, but they contributed and clearly felt comfortable being around Blackness (not just Black people) and that was why they were able to be at the function. In spite of everything Mary was welcome and her mother was with the people, but doubt crept in, and that feeling of being othered, and that is why she was the first of the main group to turn.

Ultimately I guess it was nice to see a character that looked like her that actually didn't want to hide or run away from her Blackness, while still acknowledging the privileges that come with passing.

[octopus-punching-union]

Mortkranken first reactions—

(spoilers, obviously)

I really liked the case in this one. All the info we learned early in the chapter (about curses, the mermaid, the acid) came back and wrapped up nicely in the end, I thought that was really satisfying.

How desperate that guy must've been, though... being in the hospital for upwards of a year, not seeing any progress made on a cure to his curse. As someone who spent years trying to get an accurate diagnosis for chronic health issues, I kinda get it. (All of the conflicting info MC's getting about her curse is also deeply relatable...)

Hopefully he's not still conscious, in that state of being immortal but with his body constantly being eaten by acid. That's just horrifying.

The info about anomalous viruses vs allergic responses and all that was really interesting, but I think MC's curse is different from those. According to Ed, forgetting about the eye will break the curse, so it's at least partly psychological? (And they like totally gloss over Yuri's super-cure. Even though it didn't work on MC, he might've just cured a ton of the curses in existence, which is huge!)

Yuri's stigma was kinda underwhelming. Like, his superpower is Smart. He's already really smart, and I don't feel like he should have needed his stigma (plus MC's boost) to figure out a battle plan. (But I loved that MC was just like fuck it I'm gonna hold your hand and he was scandalized about it. Bets that he's gonna be lying awake at night thinking about it?)

Loved Yuri and Jiro's dynamic. Loved Jiro being so blasé about everything. Did he kill someone? Maybe, he can't remember, nbd. Let's just put a corspe on dry ice, nothing wrong with that...

I wonder how much of Jiro's memory is affected? If it's just stuff from around the Clash, or generally everything before his coma? (How much does he remember Zenji?)

LOVED MC taking initiative at the end and calling for the general students to help. Yeah, they needed some extra motivation, but like. Most of the ghouls seem to forget that the general students even exist, and don't consider that they might be able to help with anything. Once they get up to the surface, the general students realize that yeah, they can help! I think that's really important when talking about campus unity — the general students are part of Darkwick, too.

About the Clash... the murder victim being in Ultio is making me feel more certain that the list of suspects is a red herring. I feel like Ultio was pretty shady and literally anything could have happened.

Also starting to think that the Clash was like every house for themselves and there weren't clear-cut sides. Frostheim, Vagastrom, and Mortkranken all hate each other. Everyone hates Obscuary. Everyone thinks Hotarubi's a bunch of anomaly sympathizers. Etc.

Really nice to see everyone making an appearance in this episode, even if briefly.

Subaru and Sho! I love them so much and I hope nothing bad happens to them.

Luca and Kaito! I feel like they've both grown a little since we last saw them? Luca jumps to conclusions but backs down quickly when he realizes he's misunderstood something. (Adorable really, when he thanks the one guy for giving them directions to the Pit. What a sweetheart.) Kaito is so so so intimidated by Jiro, but he stands up for MC when Jiro tries to take her away without explaining.

Alan! I wish we'd gotten more of him, especially with him being the first witness and all. It reinforced some thoughts I had about his character — that he really cares about the Vagastrom students on a personal level. And once he's decided that he trusts you, he really trusts you. (Back in Vagastrom episode, he never once questioned Tohma's actions or intentions, even when Leo served up some damning evidence. And after their mission, he still had a lot of faith in MC even though her ability had just catastrophically "failed" right in front of him. Here, he trusts that she'll solve the case and is willing to give her whatever she needs without question.)

Leo seemed a little... softer this episode. I feel like in episode 2, he wouldn't have taken the step to go make a copy of the case report for MC to have. He's still got some conflict with Alan about how to investigate, but this doesn't feel like he's trying to cut corners. (Genuinely, HOW is Alan planning to interview 80+ people on his own. How.)

(Luca and Alan I think are similar in that they both feel a strong personal responsibility to take action, even if they don't know the best thing to do. Luca jumping to conclusions and picking fights despite Kaito begging him to slow down, Alan sticking with inefficient old-school methods despite the results Leo gets by being more innovative. They both need someone to balance them out so that they can do their best, and I think finding that is going to be a big character development thing for both of them.)

Also interesting that Tohma seemed to take issue with Haku saying "our" referring to Hotarubi, considering how much Tohma has integrated himself into Frostheim.

Oh my god. That conversation between Haku and Tohma. Haku was definitely in Frostheim before, and Tohma seemed even less friendly than in their campus scene. And Haku is totally taunting Tohma like "Maybe MC and I are closer than you think."

...And then right when Tohma is accusing Jiro of messing with Frostheim, Rui pops up like "you know I'm watching you right?" and provides an alibi for Jiro (the herbs). This new ability of like, lurking in the shadows and watching everyone is great yandere fuel...

I've been assuming that "President of the Institute" is an elected or appointed role? But Tohma just goes right out and says that Jin will be the next president. If they're planning a coup, that's not very subtle. Unless it's not news that Jin will be/wants to be the next President... like if it's a hereditary position or if Haku was already aware of Jin's ambitions (if Haku used to be part of their plans?) Or, if it's a hereditary position, does this imply that Jin's family founded the Institute?

Towa and the tree. The yellow fruit represents Vagastrom? Something between Mid-Obscuary and Mid-Mortkranken caused the fruit to grow, and something in the latter half of Mortkranken caused it to wither. Idk yet.

Ren, cup ramen connoisseur. Ritsu, so sheltered that he's only ever had ramen at one specific restaurant and doesn't really realize that it's weird. Cat manager of the campus store. Those cats really need to unionize.

Taiga... might just be trying to cause problems for fun? But possibly he knows something about the inner workings of Darkwick that would turn him against the Gala and Laurel Crown.

Ed! Ed!!! Yessss, call out the Chancellor for lying in front of the entire fucking school. I love him, and I love that after warning MC about confronting Darkwick on her own, he does it himself so publicly that they can't retaliate against her.

I want to like Hyde. I really want to like him. Looking at his deal positively, he probably knows Dante well enough to know that he would support the Gala, and therefore his own support wouldn't actually be the swing vote. And the deal with MC was just to motivate her to try and unite the ghouls (he's previously talked about seeing the ghouls as people and the extreme responsibilities put on them).

I still don't trust Nicolas or the Chancellor, even though he apologized. They're claiming to care about MC's mental health, but is really that much more traumatic to find out that you're turning into an anomaly, vs that you're gonna die in a year? Both suck, but their decision withheld critical information about the curse that could have helped her identify what's happening to her. MC had no clues at all until Ed talked to her, two months into her year deadline. She is already starting to change. I really don't think that Darkwick, as an institution, has any intention of helping her.

...but he's clearly got yet another agenda going on. What exactly is he talking Sho into doing now? At this point I think Dante is the least shady of the professors, and he might literally be a reanimated corpse.

[lightlycareless]

A bit of an explanation as to why Naomi turned to be quite... Not distant but not as welcoming as she was in the beginning with Naoya, her father.. :))))))

related work: prequel 1. prequel 2. sequel.

Warnings: Angst. Mentions of pregnancy and childbirth. Maybe Naoya failed as a husband and father?

Naomi didn't really know what it meant to be an older sister. It's one of those things that can't be described, simply experienced to get the full grasp of it. And yet, she was as excited as anyone else for the arrival of the babies.

Or more like anxious, for she's never seen you so stressed before.

“Why can't I go with mama?” She'd ask, your sister guiding her to the waiting room by the hand, unwittingly away from you. “Is she ok??”

“Yes, she is. She just needs help from the doctor to deliver your siblings!” Hinata explains, attempting to comfort her. “Aren't you excited? Soon, you'll be a nee-san, just like me.”

But Naomi couldn't care to think of such matters, not when an even bigger issue has yet to be dealt with.

“.... Why isn't papa with mama?” your daughter asks with clear sadness in her face. It's only the second time she sees a disruption to her routine, but she already doesn't like it, not one bit. “He's always here whenever mama feels bad….”

Hinata swallows, trying her best to not feed Naomi's sorrow, quickly turning disappointment, any further.

It's true what she said. Naoya always made sure to be available whenever you needed him, one way or the other. But this time… this time he couldn't, and for one simple decision he'd come to regret later.

“He's on his way here.” Is what your sister responds. “He shouldn't take much longer to arrive.”

For Naomi's sake, she hopes he does. Because Hinata doesn't think she could take any more of seeing the always cheerful and bubbly girl growing quiet at her father's absence, or frightened when hearing your screams once you finally went into labor.

Preparing Naomi for the whole ordeal of pregnancy was difficult, for there were things you feared she wouldn't be able to understand without being traumatized by them. This particular part was the one that worried you the most.

But even as upsetting as it was, hearing you in pain wouldn't be the thing that stuck to Naomi the rest of her life.

No. It would be the part of Naoya eventually arriving at the hospital, a few hours after the twins were born, higkihjti his failure to be with you, his daughter, and newborn children when they needed him most.

“I'm sorry, my love. I'm really, really sorry. You don't know how much I regret—”

“You were supposed to be here for their birth” Naomi manages to overhear, as well as the heartbreak in your voice, the same one she was experiencing for seeing her parents argue for the first time in her life. “You promised you would!”

“I know.” Naoya laments, voice shaky, seemingly at the brink of crying. “I would've never missed this moment, but the mission—”

“You also said you wouldn't take any missions.” You reiterate, hurt. “Why did you do it? Why did you have to go on a mission when I needed you the most?! You knew how scared I was, especially after what happened with Naomi!”

“It wasn't supposed to take this long. They told me it was going to be a quick thing, but it went on and they needed me…”

“I needed you more. We needed you more.”

“I'm sorry.”

Naomi doesn't hear anything else from that point forward, either because Naoya kept quiet, understanding the gravity of his actions while offering quiet endless apologies, the only thing he could do at that moment.

Or because Hinata became aware of what was going on and quickly isolated your daughter from the situation, she had already gone through enough up to that point, the last thing she needed was to end the day on a worse note.

Thankfully, that wouldn't be the case, because after meeting her baby brother and sister, all conflict seemed to disappear from her mind at that moment, focused instead on loving them unconditionally, though mostly excited for her new playmates and all the things she couldn't wait to do with them.

But when looking at her father, well…

Something inside Naomi changed that day.

💀

[aalghul]

read boywonder and exploded died (in a bad way)

talia... what have they done to you... what do they always do to you... ‘there is no honour in assassin’s work’ talia... where are u... the apple of my eye, i adore her sm very close to sending pipebombs to GM everyday waow...

watching people talk about how good this was for talia feels like chewing glass. boy wonder was clearly written by someone who has not read anything involving talia prior to grant morrison and doesn't care about her outside of whatever can justify her becoming an abusive backstory for damian.

boy wonder completely disrespects her struggle during the time when she was so conflicted because she wanted to be loyal to her father but wasn't sure if she believed in him entirely anymore. the struggle existed because talia knew she would not abide by nor aid him if she did not agree with him. because talia has her own moral compass and beliefs that she follows. juni ba disregards this very important part of her journey to instead make her an entirely different character apparently did not disagree with ra's at any point before her own son was threatened (going as far as making her uncaring towards damian's former caretaker to show us how twisted her way of thinking is. mind you, this is supposedly the same talia who cried the first time she accidentally killed someone and has risked her life to help strangers, the JLA, jason todd, etc). she has to be turned into a different person just because boy wonder needs her to be framed as a somewhat sympathetic villain who gets what she deserves by having her son leave her for a better family. her "happy ending" is knowing that damian's other family is making him happy, which she never could because the story deems her incapable of that.

along these lines is another thing i found insulting: juni ba insinuating that talia's love for bruce may have been caused by talia wanting to please her father, who wanted bruce as an heir. when in reality, ra's only took notice of bruce after talia fell in love with bruce. it was because talia was outspoken enough in front of her father to bring up bruce that ra's cared about him at all. it was because talia had been off in cairo studying medicine that she had been caught up in a scheme that took her to bruce. all of those were her own choices, and juni ba wants us to question whether any of it was real because he doesn't believe talia has ever had agency. all because he himself clearly has never read talia outside of recent comics.

related to the above: juni ba insists talia wanted to be the heir to the league of assassins. pre-GM talia has never expressed this. she's never even implied it. from everything we've seen, it's pretty clear she would never want to nor would she able to stomach so much death. because it's canon that talia's heart hurts for everyone she sees killed. but, again, juni ba does not care about this whatsoever because his story is about damian and the bats. talia's characterization is always acceptable collateral damage when it comes to damian and the bats.

the more I think about it, the more I hate juni ba's misinterpretation of her. people so readily accept things like boy wonder and WFA when it comes to talia because they know so little about the most foundational parts of her character and it's really upsetting that big projects will continue to give such ooc stories as the best case scenario for talia. this is equivalent to someone writing a story where bruce decided to not take in dick or jason because the mission's more important than one kid. that would make bruce a different and less compelling character, right? that's exactly what happened to talia here (and in wfa and in everything GM wrote and in pretty much every story written since then). these are very integral parts of her character. if boy wonder as a story can't function without talia being so thoroughly destroyed? it was never a story worth telling (and it really isn't. because it's truly not a good story at all, which makes talia being wrecked for it even worse).

it makes me so angry because things like this are exactly why people don't see talia the same way they see selina or bruce or any other character ever! she continues to be pushed into the role of the harmful past who can only atone for her mistakes by now becoming an obsolete observer.

[stil-lindigo]

okay so, not entirely sure what the last anon was on about (and it very well could be a troll just trying to bait. they really should have at least brought up what they meant if they wanted to appear in good faith), but it may be in relation to "drink up" and how it attracted terf attention on twitter? (which I know you addressed btw, so I hope this doesn't come across as an attack or anything)

personally, I think the phrase "our only natural predator" might have appealed to terf rhetoric just a little (but that's my opinion - I very well could be 100% wrong). I have my own personal feelings on the use of "natural" in the phrase (men don't naturally prey on women like animal predators do their prey - if anything, it's unnatural, deliberately chosen behavior - and it reminds me of the excuse that "it's just naturally how men are," like "boys will be boys." HOWEVER, I see how that phrasing ties into the "lioness/women turning it around and preying on the predator" theme, so honestly it works well there), but aside from all that, I can also see why it might've attracted terfs: bc they very often view and frame trans women as male predators to cis women. I know that's definitely not how you intended it though!!

and this also isn't meant as a nitpick to your work, so my apologies if that's how it comes across. I really like your art and your writing (and "drink up" has a very cool theme)! it's just that I can see how terfs might've interpreted it a certain way. it's not your fault that they viewed it like that though, and you've made it very clear you're NOT down with trans exclusionary BS. so that's literally the only thing I could see anon complaining about tbh, assuming they're not just being a troll. also I'm sorry for the super long message (I have an issue w/ typing too much smh). I just thought I'd share my thoughts on it in case it's at all helpful, but also this might just be annoying to read instead, so honestly feel free to just discard it if you prefer!

It’s not annoying at all anon, and I appreciate you taking the time to send this in. The comic you’re talking about is one I think back on with a lot of regret. It was made in a furious haze after a big time female streamer revealed that she was being mentally abused for years by her husband, where he would waste her hard earned money, threaten her dogs and her livelihood and overall be a monster to the woman who was their primary breadwinner. The reaction online to this information by her largely male audience was so genuinely vile and violently misogynistic that I made the comic, without thinking broadly about the implications you’ve already pointed out. In reality, the comic was meant to talk about how all women (cis and trans) suffer under the patriarchy and how the label of womanhood can often be an open call for baseless derision, dehumanisation and entitlement at many levels.

TERFS quickly co-opted the comic, and I’ll always regret ever giving them an opportunity to feel empowered and validated by my art, but I’ve learned from the experience overall to do better by my trans siblings. Thank you for engaging in good faith - I hope my behaviour now and in the future can make up for past mis-steps.

[fyonahmacnally]

Forged by Fire - Chapter 12

True to her word, Kelly has people there within the hour. Imra calls for them to open the back gate and backs a van onto the drive. Two other familiar faces are standing next to her on the back patio when Kelly opens the door. Mike Matthews and Siobhan Smythe. When they all step inside, Kelly turns to Kara and says, “I figured it would be best if it was people you were at least familiar with, people that have been here before.”

Kara nods, watching as the three of them stand in the kitchen. She grabs the briefcase from the coffee table and passes it along to Imra. “This is all of the drugs, photos, flash drives, documents, and voice recorders. The guns are upstairs, it’ll likely take several trips to get them all.”

Lena steps up next to Kara, nodding at Siobhan in greeting before wrapping her hand around her best friend’s bicep. “We’ll show you upstairs to the arsenal.”

With that, Siobhan, Mike, and Imra follow the two of them upstairs. The only conversation between them is directly related to the removal of the guns. When they enter the closet, Imra lets out a whistle of disbelief and Mike a quiet ‘damn’ before everyone grabs two long guns each. 

On the second trip, Alex and Kelly join them. With the extra hands, they’re able to remove all the long guns in two trips. It doesn’t take long for the group to clear the handguns, still very little conversation between anyone. Imra, Mike, Siobhan, and Kelly talk amongst themselves, but Alex, Kara, and Lena remain silent. Within an hour and a half, Imra, Mike, and Siobhan are gone along with all the shit James left behind.

The four of them stand on the patio watching the van drive away, Kara waiting to close the gate behind them. They stare in silence as the blonde activates the lock when Alex speaks. “You know, I realize this means everything should be over, but I still feel like the other shoe is going to drop at any minute.”

Kelly and Lena hum in agreement as Kara rejoins them and everyone steps back inside. All four of them stand in awkward silence for a solid thirty seconds before Lena speaks up. “I’ve had far too much scotch to stand in the middle of the kitchen when I can sit comfortably on the couch.” Without another word, she strolls back to her place on the couch and drops onto the cushion. 

When all of them are back in their previous positions, Kara breaks the ice. “I’m not sure this is really over. The fact we know the inner workings of The Oath Brokers makes us a liability to them. Sure, we gave them the information back, but they have to know we’ve seen it.”

“Agreed.” Lena nods, leaning closer to Kara on the couch. “You two may not have seen the actual contents of the case or heard any of the recordings, but they don’t know that. As far as they know, all four of us are aware.”

Kelly sighs, running her hands down her jean clad thighs. “I trust Imra and Siobhan not to disclose anything. The wild card is Mike. He’s gotten in trouble a few times for going rogue. There’s a reason he and James were such good friends.” She shakes her head as if she remembers something. “Mike and Imra have a history, he’s slightly terrified of her so I think she will keep him in line. If not, he’ll end up on the same list James did. Edge and his men don’t fuck around when it comes to their business.”

“See, that’s what worries me. Do you think they’ll come after any of us for what they think we know?” Alex inquires, her legs bouncing in defiance of her calm countenance. “How the hell did you get involved with them, anyway?”

A resigned groan crawls from Kelly’s throat. “Long story short, my father got mixed up with them right after our parents got married. Like James, he was a bit arrogant and acted like he was invincible. The Oath Brokers caught him skimming profits and attempting to do his own thing one too many times.”

She pauses as her eyes drift to the wall before she continues, “They slit his throat when I was eleven and James was thirteen. The only way they would leave our mother out of it was by requiring both James and I to ‘enlist’ with them to repay the debt. James was all in, but I avoided it like the plague. For the most part, they left me alone unless they needed me to wrangle my brother in.”

“Has he ever pushed them as far as he did this time?” Lena asks, snuggling further into Kara’s side as the blonde wraps an arm around her.

“He’s come close. I’ve had to get involved at least two other times and cash in some favors to keep him alive. He would always promise it was the last time. Blah blah blah.” She lifts her hand to her face to wipe away errant tears. “I knew the moment I found out what he was doing to you there was no going back, Kara. He would never leave you alone. Plus, his greed and arrogance would never allow him to stop his side hustle. It was always going to end this way.”

Kara glances at Lena before she chimes in, “You’re not wrong, you know. When we were going through the house to make sure we found everything he stashed, there was a lock box with fake identities. Two for each of us and a bunch of cash. My gut tells me he planned to force me on the run with him.” A shiver runs down her spine at the thought. “When I…umm, when I told him about the pregnancy, his first response was anger. After that, it was possession. He told me he owned me since I was carrying his baby.”

The room is eerily silent when Kara finishes speaking. She hadn’t planned to say any of that, but it feels good to get it off her chest. There’s one more thing she needs to say out loud, one more thing she hasn’t spoken outside her own mind. Not even to her best friend. Now that James is gone, maybe it’s time to speak her truth out loud. 

“What I am about to say might seem horrible, it might be something you never thought I would say. Just know I don’t say it lightly.” The blonde says, a shaky breath accompanying her fidgeting hand. “When I woke up in the hospital and found out I lost the baby, I was glad. I wasn’t upset. I wasn’t sad. I was elated. Not just because I didn’t want to be tied to him, but also because…”

A broken sob rockets from her chest as she collapses into Lena. Alex and Kelly practically bolt over to her as well. By the time Kara is calm enough to speak again, Alex, Kelly, and Lena have tears in their eyes as well. All of them readjust on the couch. Kara and Lena in the middle with Alex next to Kara and Kelly on the other side of Lena.

Alex hands her sister a tissue from the box on the coffee table before asking, “Do you need to take a break? You don’t have to tell us anything you aren’t ready to, Kara. You’ve been through a lot in the last few months, years even. It’s okay if you need to wait.”

Blowing her nose into the tissue, she shakes her head. With a sniffle and a small nod to herself, she lays her head on Lena’s shoulder. “I know, Alex, but I need to say it out loud. I’ve avoided it for months because it makes it real. You guys are right, James is gone and he can’t hurt me anymore. I need to say this for myself. ” 

Another sniffle and a shaky exhale, then the words she’s been waiting to confess, “The night I got pregnant was during one of his tirades. He, um, he forced himself on me after he beat me pretty badly. It was one of the worst beatings in a while. It started as him punching and choking me then got progressively worse. I honestly don’t remember what set him off that night, but I’ll never forget how it ended.”

When her voice trails off, the silence around her is deafening. She’s not sure what she expected after a confession like that, but the quiet is making her uneasy. Just as she is about to fill the silence, Lena speaks. 

“Darling, I hope you know and understand none of this was your fault. Not a single part of it. What you’re feeling, how you felt in the hospital, all of it is valid.” She pulls the blonde closer, pressing a gentle kiss to her temple. “None of us will judge you or think differently of you for feeling relieved about losing the baby. Even though James is gone, the scars from the trauma are still there. We’re here to help you heal.”

Kelly reaches across Lena to place a hand on top of Kara’s knee. Tears are streaming down her face, misplaced guilt swimming in her eyes. “If I could take it all away from you, Kara, I would. My brother never deserved you. I promise I will do whatever I can to make things better from her on out. I’m so sorry.”

“No, Kelly. You have nothing to apologize for. James made his own choices, forged his own path. He was never going to listen to anyone else no matter what consequences he suffered.” Kara wearily says, her hand sitting on top of her sister-in-law’s. “In the end, you’re the reason I’m free from him. That’s something I couldn’t do on my own. Without you, Alex, and Lena, it scares me to think about what would have happened.”

Alex leans forward, adding her own hand to the top of the pile. “That’s what we’re here for, Kara. We all protect each other. I think we’ve proven as much in the last couple of weeks.” A humorless laugh escapes her mouth as she rests her head against her sister’s back. “On that note, I think Kelly and I are going to take our leave. We obviously have a lot of things we need to sort out ourselves. I just found out my wife is an associate of The Oath Brokers and we both committed crimes. Not your average Saturday night conversation.”

The four of them chuckle. It’s a weak sound, but it breaks the tension as they all stand. Kara and Lena walk them to the door where they all exchange hugs and agree to dinner  at Alex and Kelly’s place the following evening. Once the door is closed and locked, the two of them mosey into the kitchen to warm up something for dinner. 

They move around one another in peaceful quietude, like they’ve done thousands of times before. It seems no matter where they are or what they are doing, the two of them gravitate toward one other. Shoulder-to-shoulder and hip-to-hip, they share the task of making their plates. Leftover zuppa toscana soup Siobhan made, it’s the last of the meals and it makes Kara wonder if she or Eve will ever be back. 

Moving to the other side of the island, they each relax onto a bar stool to eat in comfortable silence. It’s nothing new for them, they’ve eaten next to each other without speaking countless times. For them, it’s a calm companionship. Almost as if every single molecule in their souls vibrates at the same frequency. They understand what’s being said without words, speaking a soundless language their hearts learned ages ago.

Once their food is finished and the dishes are done, they clean up the remnants of the intense and draining confessional with Alex and Kelly. It seems Lena is the only one that didn’t share a secret. Locking up and shutting off lights, they ascend the stairs side-by-side. The past two days have been one hell of a rollercoaster ride. The two of them want nothing more than to shower and crawl into bed. So, that’s what they do. 

It’s nearing 11:00 p.m. by the time they’re both underneath the covers and snuggled into one another. As exhausted as they are, their minds are running laps around their skulls. Neither of them will be able to sleep anytime soon, there is still so much to do and so much to discuss. The lingering question is, where do they start?

With the cover of darkness in her favor, Lena rolls onto her side so she and Kara are face to face. They’re close enough that Lena can feel Kara’s breath against her face and see the faint outline of her jawline. Their bodies are so close their legs are intertwined, Kara’s casted hand resting on Lena’s hip like it belongs there. The truth is, Lena thinks it does. She always has. 

Maybe it’s time for her own confession. 

The two of them lay there in the stillness of the bedroom, eyes focused on each other. Gathering all the inner strength she can muster, she raises her hand to gently tuck a stray blonde lock behind Kara’s ear before resting her palm against her cheek. She can feel the tears stinging her eyes and the nervousness building in her gut. Whether this ends up being the best decision of her life or the second worst (she did help dispose of a body for fuck sakes), she has to do it now. 

“Kara…” It comes out as a soft whisper. She doesn’t mean for it to, but she’s terrified. Her best friend nuzzles into her palm, almost silently encouraging her to continue. “You’re so beautiful. Oh so beautiful, Darling. I just…I love you so much. With every single ounce of my being, I have loved you for most of my life. I think I spent so many years with other people because the idea of being with you and then losing you terrified me. Honestly, it still does. However, being here with you these past two weeks, going through the things we have, it’s made me realize I don’t want to be away from you anymore, Kara.”

Lena shifts closer, pressing their foreheads together. “Maybe the timing is inappropriate, maybe I should have waited. I don’t know. What I do know is that I have been in love with you since we were barely teenagers and I’m tired of pretending with other people. Nothing will work with them because they aren’t you. You’re it for me, you always have been. I’ve just been too scared to say it out loud.”

The warm silence that cocoons them is soft and safe. It’s much like the way they spent so many nights throughout their childhood and college years. They bask in it for a while until Lena realizes Kara hasn’t responded to her pouring her heart out. She slowly begins to panic, but the moment she starts to pull her hand away, she feels dampness on Kara’s cheek. For a second her panic increases, has she ruined the best thing in her life? Fortunately, that's when Kara pulls her closer, halting her movement as her panic ebbs into realization.

“Oh Lena, I love you, too. So, so very much. From the very moment you walked into my English class that day, I was enamored with you. Regardless of who I was with or for how long, I’ve always wished it was you.” She pauses, a slight sniffle sounding between them before touching their noses together like she’s always done when they are talking quietly in bed. Lena lightly wipes away her best friend's tears, grateful she feels the same.

With another sniffle and a light chuckle, she continues, “You know, I’ve been waiting for you to acknowledge this since our sophomore year in college. Before Jack, before Mike, back when you were the center of my world. When you showed up with Jack that night, I figured I was alone in the way I felt so I pushed those feelings as far down as I could.”

“I always regretted that, you know? Being with Jack…I always knew he and I would never be more than friends. You and I were so close and everything was so perfect that I did what I always do. I tried to ignore the scary emotional things. I think a small part of me thought maybe you would break things off with Mike when I split with Jack. When you didn’t? Well, I figured I lost my chance.” A single tear slides down Lena’s cheek, a lone drop of grief for what might have been.

Kara sighs, there are so many moments over the years where they could have taken the steps needed to bring what they both wanted to life. If only one of them had been brave enough back then. “On the day of my wedding, there was this little part of me that wished you would beg me not to do it so we could run away together. I felt so guilty because back then, I genuinely cared about James. Regardless, it’s always been you for me, Lena. Always.”

Without preamble, as if pulled together like magnets, their bodies draw even closer. Lena’s hand slides from Kara’s cheek to the back of her neck while Kara’s hand wraps around her waist pulling their bodies flush. Slowly and with the utmost care, their lips meet for the first time in seven years. Each of them releases a soft sigh followed by a gentle moan, flocks of butterflies perform gymnastics in their stomachs. It feels like coming home, like the first rain after a long drought. For the first time in years, their souls find peace.

Getting lost in kissing each other is something they’ve always done. Being late to countless plans and events was prevalent during their college years. They don’t have anywhere to be at the moment, but Lena wants to make sure they do this right. She doesn’t want to go into this lightly and wants it to be clear this isn’t like all the times in the past. Sure, she just professed her undying love for the blonde, but there is no room for misinterpretation this time. 

Just as things are really getting heated, the CEO taps the brakes. “Wait, Kara! Pause for a second, Darling.” She presses her hand against her best friend’s chest to put some space between them. Panting, she does her best to think through the haze of arousal thrumming through her body. She’s dreamed about this very moment countless times, but the stakes are real now. 

“What is it? Did I hurt you? Is something wrong?” Kara questions, concern shining from the crinkle between her brows that Lena can feel more than see. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“Nothing is wrong, my love. I just don’t want to rush this and I need to be clear about where we stand.” Lena states, vulnerability wafting from her like steam. “I love you, but it’s more than that. I want a future with you. It will take time, but I am working toward opening a branch of LS MedTech here in National City.”

She takes a deep breath, steeling herself to say the next words. Gesturing between the two of them, she says, “This…you and I, I want it more than anything. This isn’t like our MIT days, Kara. I want you, for the long haul. Marriage, a dog, and maybe even kids someday. All of it. I know we have a lot to deal with in light of James’ antics, but I’m here to stay, Darling. If you need time, I understand, but I’m all in.”

“God, Lena. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this. I’ve been in love with you since I was twelve. That’s nineteen years! If I could have married you instead of James, I would have. In fact, I should have.” She shakes her head to rid herself of the memories trying to creep through. “My biggest regret is leaving Cambridge and coming here. I wish I had stayed there while you were finishing your PhD. No matter, we are here now. I want this, I want you. We can go as slow as you need to, I’m not going anywhere.”

Kara pulls Lena into her arms and they lay in bed just breathing in each other’s presence. With her head on Kara’s chest, she lets herself dream of what a future with her best friend would look like. That’s when it occurs to her, to the world, James is just missing and not dead. Kara is still married as long as he is deemed missing. In most cases, he will have to be missing for seven years to be declared dead. She groans at this thought. 

Her groan makes Kara laugh before she asks, “What’s going on in that head of yours? I know that noise. That’s the ‘I just thought about something and I’m annoyed’ noise. So spill it.”

“It’s nothing. I just remembered that since James is considered missing and not dead, you’re still legally married. In most cases, you have to wait until they have been missing for seven years to have them declared legally dead. There’s no magic we can muster to make a body appear. On the plus side, you can still file for divorce.” Lena huffs, of course the man is still a pain in the ass, even in death. 

Kara is quiet for a minute before she responds, “You’re not wrong, but also, we know someone that can do something about it. Hear me out. Imra is on the case and she knows he’s dead. Maybe we can get Kelly to talk to her and have The Oath Brokers work their criminal magic to help. We returned all their shit and they know we disposed of the body. At this point it’s mutual incrimination.”

“Ummm, about that…” The CEO sheepishly says. “I may have a duplicate copy of the hierarchy and prominent figure information. I don’t trust them, Kara. I want something to protect us in case they come back. If they find out we kept the money, it might bite us in the ass. This gives us insurance.”

A deep, low chuckle resonates from Kara’s chest. It continues for almost a full minute before she collects her composure. “I should have known you would keep something to protect us. Seems like we need to rent a safety deposit box to keep some things hidden. We need to burn those passports, too. How are you going to get the money into your offshore account?”

“We can get a safety deposit box one day this coming week. I need to think about looking for an apartment or house soon anyway. As for the money, Wilson is sending one of his boys to pick up the briefcase with the money. They’re going to set-up an international wire transfer from New York. For a fee, of course.” Lena grins, curling further into Kara’s warmth. “Now, let’s get some sleep. I’m exhausted and we still have a lot to do before we meet up with Alex and Kelly tomorrow.”

With one final slow and tender kiss, they drift off to sleep in each other’s arms. It’s the best, most restful sleep either of them have gotten in years. They still have a lot to figure out and quite a few obstacles to hurdle, but with each other, they’re confident they’ll make it through. 

Waking the next morning, neither of them want to get out of bed or leave the comfort of the other’s warmth. It isn’t until the sun is making itself known through the window and Kara’s stomach growls that they finally leave the bed. It’s nearing noon when they scour the kitchen for something to eat. Suddenly, Lena remembers to ask Kara about Eve and Siobhan.

“Hey, I forgot to ask about Eve or Siobhan not showing up on Thursday when the detectives were here. Did you call them beforehand?” Lena inquires, curiosity clear in her tone.

Kara smiles, leaning down to kiss Lena on the lips. “Yes, I called to tell them not to come because there was something going on at the house. I was vague about it because I didn’t know at the time they were involved.” She shrugs and closes the fridge for the third time.

“I guess we should get ready to grab some lunch and get groceries while we are out. We can pretty much bank on not seeing Eve or Siobhan again.” Lena laughs, heading toward the stairs to shower for the outing. “Oh, we should also pick up some more cameras. If we are going to stay here for a while, we need to have eyes on this place.”

“Agreed.” With that, they take the stairs to get their day started. 

It’s nearing 4:30 p.m. when they return from their lunch and shopping. They jointly decide to ask Alex and Kelly to come over there instead of meeting at their place. Having Alex to help install the new cameras will be better than Kara trying to help with a cast. 

An hour later, Alex and Kelly are ringing the doorbell with bags of food in hand. With the change of location, they decided to order from their favorite Italian place instead of cooking. Alex immediately clocks the cameras sitting on the coffee table and makes a beeline for them, followed closely by Lena. The CEO already knew the elder Danvers would want to install them and Lena is happy to have the help. 

“Do they meet your approval, protective big sister?” Lena asks, a smirk on her face since she knows they are top of the line. She purposely bought the best ones available. Sleek, low-profile, night vision, sound, all the bells and whistles. Not to mention she bought the equipment to set-up an internal server inside the house that also backs up to her private cloud for built in redundancy. If someone sets foot on the property, they will know who and when complete with notifications to their phones. 

“This is nice equipment, Luthor. It definitely has your signature all over it. Kara is brilliant, but she doesn’t know engineering like you do.” The redhead eyes the stash with bemused respect. “Knowing you, I’m guessing you’ve already installed and set-up the internal network, too. Shall we start on the external ones before it gets dark?”

As the two of them head outside, Kara helps Kelly put together the ingredients for the chocolate pecan pie Alex asked for. At first, they work in companionable silence. Before long, Kara’s curiosity gets the best of her and she has to ask. “How are things between you and Alex?”

Kelly pauses her mixing and tilts her head toward the ceiling, eyes closed. After taking a couple of deep breaths, she turns to look at Kara before responding, “We’re…okay. She’s still pretty angry with me and I don’t blame her. Truthfully, I deserve worse, but I think she feels pretty guilty about James so it’s somewhat of a counterbalance. It will take time, but I think we’ll get there.”

“I hope so. You two are good together and I’d hate to see it ruined because of all this. Besides, I think we’re far more bonded now than we ever were before.” Kara chuckles, they all share a secret that will go with them to their graves. “Nothing like a little murder and accessory to murder to bind a family together.”

An uninhibited laugh rockets from Kelly’s mouth, the first one in what seems like ages. She shakes her head in disbelief at Kara saying something like that. “Kara Danvers, I didn’t know you had it in you! Such morbid humor, I’m here for it.” The laughter trails off as they focus back on their task, the tension finally eased. 

Outside, Alex and Lena are having their own conversation. “How’re you holding up, Alex? Yesterday was a lot and I can’t imagine it was easy to swallow the information you learned.” Lena queries, her eyes not leaving Alex’s movement on the ladder.

“Well, we talked, if that’s what you’re asking. It went about as well as you can imagine until I calmed down. The whole thing kind of turned my world upside down. Once I took a step back and added my own baggage into the mix, we were able to talk things through.” She finishes the final camera on the house and descends the ladder. “We still have a lot of things to work out, but we’ll get there. Alright, gate cameras and then we can eat.”

Lena laughs as they walk toward the back gate to install the last two outdoor cameras, one facing the gate and one facing the house. She and Kara can install the cameras inside the house later, these are the ones that matter right now. The last two cameras don’t take long, but Alex catches her off guard when they’re putting the ladder and tools away. 

“There’s something different with you and my sister today. You look more relaxed than I have seen you the entire time you’ve been here and she’s practically giddy.” Alex grins at the now squirming Lena. “The only time you two ever look or act like this is when you are sleeping together.”

First she splutters, something she hasn’t done since she was in middle school. Second, she nearly trips over her own feet. Finally, she forms words and hurls them at Alex. “Wh-What are you talking about, Alex? How did…what did…” She pauses in an attempt to compose herself before speaking again, “I’m not sure what you are talking about, Danvers, please elaborate.”

With a big belly laugh, Alex shoves Lena toward the patio door. “You act like I don’t know you two were each other’s first or that you two made out like the horny teenagers you were when we were younger. I saw you guys more than once, Luthor. Not to mention I know you did the whole friends with benefits thing in college. However, I’ve always known it was more than that for both of you, even if neither of you admitted it.”

Lena is stunned, she probably shouldn’t be, but she is. Alex has always been perceptive and intuitive. Plus, she knows the two of them better than anyone else outside of each other. She sighs, resigned to the fact that Alex has picked up on the shift between them. “We talked last night, traded some confessions, and we’re taking things slow. I love her, Alex. I always have. I just don’t want to fuck it up.”

“You won’t, Lena. The two of you…you’re inevitable. Regardless of the road to get here, it was always going to be you and Kara.” She slings her arm around the shorter woman and they make their way inside to find Kara and Kelly laughing over a cooling pie. 

Maybe she’s right, maybe it was always going to be the two of them. The road has been bumpy and long, but she can finally see a future that includes more nights like this. More cozy nights on the couch, more lazy mornings in bed, just more time together. There are still things to figure out and more talks to be had, but this is a good start. Right now, at this moment, she’s finally where she’s supposed to be.  

As the four of them sit down to dinner, they don’t notice the figure lurking at the edge of the hedges. The figure watches them for a while, murmuring about unfinished business and getting what’s theirs. Unfortunately for them, the newly installed cameras capture it all.

Find the full story on AO3 here.

[wish-incorrect-quotes]

Not putting this in the tags because I'm afraid of inviting too much drama, but anyway, I’ve made a list of stuff that happened before Magnifico ever used the book:

There’s the obvious one, setting up a system in which all the people who live in the kingdom need to hand over an important part of themselves to him, and he’ll only allow a very small percentage of people to have their life’s dream come true. This went on for at least decades, possibly more. It was not a single moment of decision making due to stress.

It’s strongly implied, if not outright canon, that when deciding which wishes to grant, he favors the people who choose to directly serve him and the people who have a wish that will personally benefit him.

Aside from the very recently 18 Simon, his castle staff seems to be made up entirely of underage teenagers. I highly suspect this is because he’s realized child labor means he will benefit from workers with more energy and enthusiasm, because they aren’t living without their wish yet.

Kitchens are full of sharp things and things that can scald you. Many people who work in them, even those who are highly trained, end up covered in burn marks and scars. Yes, Dahlia is intelligent and competent, but it's still wildly irresponsible to make a 16 year old run a professional kitchen without an adult on hand in the room.

Just before Asha meets the king, the previous candidate for the apprenticeship runs away sobbing. Amaya doesn’t seem surprised by this, which would indicate this is far from the first time Magnifico has made someone burst into tears.

He replies with “Do we call that a talent?” to the teenager excited to show him a few drawings she made. Not exactly “evil” I guess, but definitely a good way to crumble the self-esteem of someone who admires him.

He justifies his system by saying that “No one should have to see their dreams destroyed before their eyes.” But locked away in a tower, where most people will die before they ever see it again, that’s fine apparently.

Anyone who looks at an image of an old man playing the lute for a small handful of people and decides it’s a threat should not have complete control over which wishes could be considered “dangerous”.

“You’re young, you don’t know anything.” Great way to handle a concerned citizen there. That will definitely show the younger generation you have their best interests at heart.

Asha, who I will remind you is a teenager, is upset but still makes her case without even raising her voice. Magnifico, who is supposed to have the temperament to rule an entire kingdom, responds with yelling and a threatening blast of magic. I’m rather concerned about what else might have happened if Amaya hadn’t interrupted them a moment later.

He deliberately raises Sabino’s hopes and then dashes them just to spite Asha for disagreeing with him. Also makes Asha publicly sit onstage in front of the entire kingdom to watch him do it.

He makes it clear that now he’ll never consider granting Sakina’s wish either, even though she hasn’t done anything but be related to someone he’s mad at.

If Asha plans to have a family someday, she has pretty good reason to worry that any children of hers will also likely be condemned to life with their wish automatically locked away forever.

Who knows how many other people were taken out of consideration just because the king didn’t like someone they knew?

Later on, he tells his people that they were put at risk by an unknown traitor with magic, then almost immediately starts getting annoyed because people are nervous and asking for some further clarification and reassurance.

The crowd gets at most a bit worked up, but still, no one ever says anything threatening or insulting towards Magnifico. They’re just asking questions because they want to understand more about what’s happening in the kingdom. This is enough for Magnifico to decide he doesn't have enough control, so he should turn to dangerous forbidden magic to increase his power.

Maybe you could argue that trying to use the situation to get a wish ceremony was a bit greedy, but I'd still say that if Magnifico didn't like people asking for wishes, he shouldn't have been literally removing people's ability to work on it themselves.

Of course people are going to be eager to get him to grant wishes, he's told them it's too hard for them and made it so they can't do it without him.

Last note, I've seen people suggest that the book's power was removed when he was imprisoned in the staff, and it's terrible that he was put in the dungeon anyway. I'm not sure the move ever said that, but if it is the case, he still shows zero remorse and thinks he was in the right. There's no "I shouldn't have used the book, I feel terrible about what it led to." Just "Can you believe they pushed back while I was purposely unleashing forbidden magic, crushing wishes, and chaining everyone to the ground? How could they do this to me?"

[the-queen-and-the-king]

A little piece of paradise - 26

Summary: It's Aaron's last day as the director of the BAU and as an FBI agent, the time for him to say a few words about the people who worked for him all those years.

Characters: the BAU team

Contents: pregnancy (remember, Emily is still pregnant), angst, sadness, bad pun, mention of alcohol, but also pride and joy and smile.

This text will be an AU with a sudden canon-divergence. I wrote it when I was rewatching the show, so many chapters will be directly related to some episodes of season 4. There will be 28 chapters.

PS : English is not my mother language so they are necessarily mistakes. Sorry about that.

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Read on AO3 / lire sur AO3

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Despite what Emily could tell, this week had flown by at the speed of light. Friday had finally dawned on him, and here he stood in this office he was about to leave, for the last time, in just a few hours' time. He had answered the last e-mails this morning before his entire mailbox was transferred to that of his successor. His weapons were returned to the federal armory, and his badge and plate were returned to the security center. In the days leading up to it, he'd already started clearing up, taking Jack's photos and creations home, his personal awards, a few trinkets, and the bottles he'd been given. Everything he now had to box up would go to a basement room dedicated to the belongings of agents who had left the department, before being destroyed: the plaque on his door, the display bearing his name on his desk, etc.

“Hotch,” called out a voice behind his back.

“Yes, I'm coming,” he said, turning to Derek. “All the current files are here.”

He pointed to the boxes piled up on the carpet, once stored in his cupboards, but whose arrangement he left to the free choice of the man who had just appeared behind him. It contained cases he'd handled jointly with Jason Gideon before they started recruiting other agents to help them. The co-founder of the BAU had disappeared without leaving any way of contacting him, so he was the only one left with a memory of these files.

“I put memos in all the ones where the suspect(s) are still at large. Same on the computer. The password is on the post-it under the keyboard and will have to be changed next week.”

 “Hotch…”

“You'll see how to cross-reference your session with mine with the IT. All the passwords for all the platforms are in the directory there,” he continued, pointing to the object in question. “If you can't read my handwriting, ask Dave or Emily, they're used to it.”

“Hotch…”

“Ah, yes, the duplicate keys to the cupboards and boxes are in Penelope's office,” he remembered, barely. “There's so much junk in her place that I figured it was the best hideout in the world. Anyone would give up before finding anything.”

“Hotch, it's all right,” Morgan interrupted, putting a hand on his bicep. “Besides, you've already told me all this three times since this morning.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

He had so much to think about and was so afraid of forgetting something essential in the rush to leave, that he was obviously harping on the same things. It had to be said, too, that there was nothing trivial about their profession, and his position remained a strategic one at the agency. Although JJ assumed his duties as a go-between for local authorities and journalists, he had kept the whole political and administrative side of the position to himself, and Derek couldn't do without it. As the man was not of the same character as himself, he had tried to slip in as many useful instructions as possible, so that he would not offend anyone, mistrust some or hesitate to lean on others. In short, that he doesn't fall into the traps in which he was once mired.

“I know everything's in tip-top shape, so I'm not worried,” assured the next manager, much more relaxed than he was. “And, just in case, I can give you a call.”

“Yes. And if I don't answer right away, leave me a message so I can call you back.”

“I know.”

“I already told you?”

“Yes,” he answered with a big smile. “Come to the meeting room, now. Everyone is waiting for you.”

While he worked out the final details, the rest of the team gathered in the conference room to organize their farewell party. Emily had gone to give them a hand and, looking at his watch, he grasped it had already been over an hour. An excruciating feeling seized his gut as he realized he'd never see this setting again for the rest of his life. He looked around and had the impression of discovering this office with a new acuity. It was as if he'd gone back six years and was setting foot here for the first time.

Then his brain reminded him that this place was only of secondary importance, that by quiting Quantico, he was losing even more. The vise tightened around his insides.

“… Derek, can I ask you a favor?” he began, fixing his gaze once again on his neighbor, who hadn't moved the entire time he'd maintained silence.   

“To take care of them?”

“… Yes.”

A knot was blocking his throat. His men and women, who had worked under him for so long, were clearly dearer to him than he had thought; by leaving, he was abandoning them to their fate, and a terrible tearing sensation opened his chest. He knew, however, that Morgan was naturally protective and caring, so he would always keep an eye on them.

“That was the plan,” he confirmed.

“Be very careful with Penelope and Spencer, they're more...”

“Sensitive than the others, I know,” he cut him off again. “I’m a profiler too. And I'll keep an eye on JJ and Emily who think they don't need any help, and on Dave who still sometimes forgets to play as a team.”

Derek understood that he was trying to delay the fateful moment when he would have to leave this room and never return. By taking the wind out of his sails, he could have given the impression of wanting to kick him out, but Aaron thought instead that he was more concerned about the people standing a few yards away, who were probably wondering what he was up to.

“Meeting room. Now.”

The giant sighed, took one last look at his desk and, with a lump in his throat, walked out to the side of the man who would take his place. He progressed to the room where, all those years ago, he had sat with his kinds around the round table, analyzing photos, coroner's reports, police, and sheriff's reports; where he had listened to their first hypotheses and made crucial decisions that had saved lives or, on the contrary, sacrificed them. This time, he wasn't getting ahead of himself on such a serious subject, but anguish pulsed through his veins all the same. He wasn't afraid of what awaited him there, he was only stressed because every step he took brought him a little closer to the exit and pushed the heavy page of his story within the FBI.

When he entered, he was greeted by a shower of confetti and cotillions, as well as cheers and applause. The whole team was smiling, gathered under a large banner thanking him. Emily, more pregnant than ever, was the only one sitting on a chair, but she clapped her hands as energetically as the others. A wave of heat surged up his torso and his eyes burned instantly. His vision blurred for a moment, submerged by incipient tears. His lungs suddenly constricted. His companion must have noticed his confusion, for she rose from her seat, reached over, and slipped her hand into his. A familiar, reassuring touch that immediately eased his anxiety.

“Th… Thank you,” he managed to stammer, after a long breath.

“No, we wanted to thank you for everything you've done for us,” counteracted Penelope, wiping a tear from her cheek.

“For what? Putting all of you in danger every day?” he ironized, gradually regaining his composure.

“No, that's the job of sociopaths,” JJ grinned.  

Derek had joined the rest of the group and they were all staring at him intently. This final reunion was a delicate moment for everyone, as they all knew that the next one wouldn't be happening any time soon – except on the day of the birth, which would take place in the coming weeks. So many memories and thoughts were running through the mind at the moment that it was difficult to untangle them all and extract what was important to talk about this day. The analyst was the quickest to jump in. 

“Thank you for hiring us despite our strange resumes. Thank you for trusting us all these years. And thank you for looking after us for so long,” she finished, crying, her voice strangled.

He had to hold back to keep from hugging her. It would come, but he had to wait a little longer.

“We're going to miss you,” confessed Spencer, barely audible. 

JJ and her neighbor nodded in unison in support of his words.

“I… I'm going to miss you too,” he said, struggling to control his emotions.

“I'll tell you all about it,” Emily declared, leaning towards him.

He smiled, amused. His partner's intention was to play down the situation, and this worked well enough to lighten the weight in his abdomen. Even with his past in the Bureau, she couldn't tell him the details of their investigations, which were all marked with the seal of confidentiality. On the other hand, she could expand on the hallway noises of the Quantico floors and thus keep him abreast of the latest gossip. Not that he was particularly fond of it, but it would save him from being completely left out when they next met.

He turned his gaze towards her, met her sparkling irises and warm smile, and was seized with a powerful urge to kiss her. But it was something they refrained from doing in public, even if the day's onlookers knew the nature of their relationship. Instead, he shook her hand briefly and she responded by imitating him. Then he turned his attention back to the group, more confident and ready to deliver the messages he'd prepared for each of his subordinates.

“… Thank you, all of you,” he began. “Thanks to you, JJ, for taking on half my work and for having the courage to face the pack of journalists all this time.”

The liaison officer immediately stiffened, and her eyes became misty. He tried to ignore it to get to the end of what he wanted to say.

“You… you do a terrific job and I challenge anyone to do it as well as you. Keep up the good work and take care of Henry and Will. The three of you will always be welcome at home.”

At first, the mother of the family tried to put on a brave face, as she was wont to do in front of the press, but tears quickly rolled down her chin. She stood straight as an I, but he guessed she wanted to hug him. But she knew he hated it.

“You're entitled to a hug, if you like,” he announced, aware that refusing it was cruel of him.

She rushed at him. Emily stepped aside to give her space and allow Aaron to have both hands free. JJ hugged him gently and whispered a “thank you” in his ear. A gentle warmth invaded him, and the unease that usually gripped his throat during this kind of embrace stayed in his corner, allowing him to enjoy the embrace to the full.

“Okay. You're all entitled to one hug each, no more,” he added nonetheless.

Everyone smiled, then JJ pulled away.

“This baby will be so lucky to have you for a dad.”

“We’ll see when they’re teenagers.”

The liaison officer laughed and stepped back to let him continue. His gaze fell on the youngest member of the assembly.

“Spencer, thanks to you for saving us hours of Internet research to find all the information you've got in there,” he said, pointing to his skull. “Thank you for your daily help and stay as you are. What you do is useful to society, don't let anyone make you think otherwise, even if you have the ability to do... whatever you want. And don't pay attention to anyone who might criticize your appearance or attitude. Tell yourself they're just jealous they don't have your brilliant mind.”

An expression of profound delight lit up Reid's youthful face as he straightened up. They'd spent so many evenings talking about everything and nothing before Emily came into his life that he knew these words would touch him and give him back the confidence he so desperately lacked. The big stile walked towards him but froze before doing anything. Neither of them enjoyed embracing – each for different reasons – but he spread his arms, offering him the choice of accepting or not. The multi-graduate finally gave in to temptation and snuggled up against his chest, taking refuge in his bosom as he had once done after being rescued from the clutches of Tobias Hankel. He even tolerated staying a little longer before breaking away from him and making room for the next.

“Penelope, you're probably the person I had the most trouble recruiting,” he admitted with a smile. “Not because I didn't want you, but because everyone above me talked me out of it. But I didn't listen to them...”

“Gosh!” said Emily, making everyone laugh. 

“… and I insisted until they gave up,” he recounted, still remembering the interminable tug-of-war he had back then. “I guess they wanted to see me fail, but I was more than happy to prove them wrong.”

A smile of pride marked the ex-hacker's plump face, as happy as he was to have proved that appearances were not to be trusted.

“Over and above the fact that you're the centerpiece of the BAU, without whom our results wouldn't be as good as they are, you are... you're an incredible person. In every sense of the word. Everything you do is amazing and out of the ordinary, and I think that's why none of us has lost faith in humanity yet.”

A general burst of laughter followed his reply. However, he meant it. Given what they saw on a daily basis, they would naturally become more and more armored over time, until they were no longer capable of appreciating the beauties of the world, or worse, imagining that no human being was worthy of their help. But with her altruistic and benevolent demeanor, she regularly reminded them that not everything in their fellow creatures was worth throwing away.

“As Spencer, stay the way you are. Keep piling knick-knacks all over your office, keep pulling out totally unexpected stuff when you're called, keep disregarding the Bureau dress code and, above all, keep taking care of all those people.”

The fleeting thought that he would no longer see her waiting for him at the elevator exit when they returned from their mission to check that they were in one piece crossed his mind, squeezing his heart.

“Emily said the BAU would fall without me, but I think it's all down to you. I… I probably wouldn't be the man I am today if you hadn't been there to remind me how to smile and laugh. In my own way.”

Penelope burst into tears, unable to make a move in his direction. So, it was he who took the few steps that separated them to take her in his arms. He'd feared she’d be ready to drop every week, but she'd often proved much stronger than he'd expected and, more importantly, had more than once pulled him out of the slump he'd naturally fallen into. She'd been there when he'd had to leave behind the house he'd bought with Haley, she'd been there again when he'd taken in stride the realization that the suspects' profile resembled his own, and so on. She had taken better care of him than he had of her. And her wacky retorts – which horrified Strauss – had always been the breath of fresh air and lightness they needed to endure the drudgery of their daily lives. 

“I love you so much,” she said, sniffing into his neck.

“Me too.”

“Keep smiling and laughing. In your own way.”

“Promise.”

She moved away from him, gave him a trembling smile as she cried some more, and rubbed his arm for a few seconds, as if to give him courage for what was to come. He then came face to face with Dave, who raised an eyebrow at him, his usual sneer at the corner of his lips. A curious sense of déjà-vu seized him. He hesitated and smiled.

“… Okay. It's a bit peculiar to tell you this when I've already done it a few years earlier when you were retiring.”

“It was a feint.”

Aaron laughed, in unison with the profilers around them.

“What I said then still stands, but I'll add that I'm glad you've joined this new version of the BAU. You'll be able to bring them the experience and cunning they're lacking.”

“I'll prepare a PowerPoint to train them.”

The group burst out laughing, more sensitive than ever to these humorous touches given the context.

“From now on, you're the oldest, and I'm counting on you to keep an eye on them.”

“Don't worry, I'll cover them in bubble wrap, so nothing happens to them.”

They laughed again, then both men fell into each other's arms, patting on their back. The manager thanked him in thought for not taking the moment too seriously. He had nothing to fear, however, as his mentor had taken care of him back then, in his own way, and would do so again with his cadets.

“Strauss is likely to be a little bored, so she'll be hanging around.”

“I've already planned to set wolf traps.”

“Perfect,” he commented, grabbing his shoulder.

Rossi distanced himself to allow him to continue his farewell tour. He came face to face with a visage he knew all too well.

“Agent Prentiss.”

“Agent Hotchner,” she replied with the same half-smile.

They watched each other for a long time, silently exchanging all the emotions they felt. There was undeniably a lot of love, but also tenderness and encouragement from the young woman. He also picked up on that characteristic little glow that suddenly motivated him much more to leave the premises.

“… We'll talk later,” he announced, his tone as neutral as possible.

“I can't wait,” she reacted, raising a mocking eyebrow.

“We're not disturbing you, aren’t we?” interjected Derek, grumpily.

“We’ll just talk. Right?”

“Absolutely,” confirmed Aaron, suppressing a smile.

The ex-policeman raised his eyes to the sky, triggering more laughter from his neighbors. The hilarity quickly subsided as everyone realized that it was now the next agency head's turn. The tensions between the two agents were no secret, and it was hard to know how the dialogue would turn out. The giant actually liked the officer a lot, more than he'd ever dare admit to him, and he had every confidence in his ability to take over; but he didn't know how he'd react to what he intended to confide in him.

“Derek…”

“Hotch.”

The Chicago native waited; arms folded across his chest. His neutral expression gave no clue as to what he was feeling at this hour. A deliberate impassivity that unsettled him somewhat. 

“… Uh… I know we've never had an easy relationship.”

“Whose fault is that?” he growled; eyebrows furrowed.

“Derek,” Penelope lectured him, slapping him on the shoulder.

“What? He's the one bugging me to get my texts justified!”

“And he would have stopped bothering you if you had,” Emily pointed out, challenging him with her eyes.

“And I would have done it if it had served a purpose.”

“Say it if we're in your way,” he interjected, eager to get on with things.

“Sorry,” they apologized in unison.

He knew why his lover had come to his defense. She had asked him, out of curiosity, why in fact he demanded that the paragraphs of his subordinates' reports be aligned to the right as well as to the left – a rule not imposed by the Bureau. All his men had fallen into step, one after the other, except him. He was the only one, in a spirit of contradiction, to have disobeyed him through. But it wasn't that important in the end.

“Anyway, as I was saying, we've always, more or less – and rather more than less – had a very complicated relationship. Conflicting, even,” he clarified lucidly. “But I know that behind those muscles and kicked-down doors lies someone who cares deeply for those closest to him. So, I know I'm leaving the team in very good hands.”

He had to pause, suddenly overcome by emotion. Talking to Morgan wasn't just talking to one of the first agents he'd hired, it was passing the baton to his successor. So, it was hard. Very hard.

“You've got a great sense of humor, women really like you and you've got a lot of charisma, but you're also organized, square and straightforward. You don't like injustice and you'll fight every case with the same determination.”

His opposite’s shell cracked, weakened by his sincere words. Derek had always sought recognition for his qualities, and until now, for a reason he couldn't explain to himself, he'd refused it. But now it was done, and his target had been moved. The unit manager outbid him, touching on a crucial point for him.

“You'll watch over them until the end. They can rely on you as they did on me before. Perhaps even more easily than with me.”

“Hotch…”

“Nothing to do with the fact that I'm inexpressive, it's just that you're smaller. It’ll be easier for them to lean on you.”

   Derek frowned, taken aback, and Aaron smiled at him.

“This joke sucks,” decreed his successor.

“Yes.”

They both laughed, as the others looked on moved and amused. He held out his hand and Morgan grabbed it to take him in his arms. The relief the titan felt spread to the spectators around him, and all the pressure that had reigned in the room a few seconds earlier vanished.

“Presents now!” exclaimed Spencer, ecstatic.

“Champagne first!” retorted Dave, serious.

“Don’t fight, we will take care of both,” he reassured them raising his hands.

And he put his words into practice, directing his attention to the center of the table occupied by a stack of wrapped packages. A bottle and some glasses stood by.

“That's my present!" trumpeted Penelope, pointing to the most colorful gift.

It was also the one with the most ribbon, the most glitter and heart stickers applied everywhere. He didn't know what was inside, but he had no doubts about its provenance.

“Yes, I… I guessed that,” he said repressing his urge to smile.

“We all did,” bounced Derek.

Everyone laugh, even the one concerned.

___

I always wanted Hotch to have a proper end and a real scene for his departure from Quantico. Now, it's done. :)

___

First chapter >> https://www.tumblr.com/the-queen-and-the-king/771016298484334592/a-little-piece-of-paradise-1?source=share

Next chapter >> https://www.tumblr.com/the-queen-and-the-king/787501820109012992/a-little-piece-of-paradise-27?source=share

[bitletsanddrabbles]

WIP WTF My Brain Insists It's Wednesday

I took an extra day off this week, and then it snowed so I went home after less than an hour on Sunday, and so now my brain is all discombobulated and, after a day of furious writing on a short thing that is not short enough to actually be done (and which it keeps trying to lose interest in), it's insisting it's Wednesday.

And I'm randomly in a high-anxiety mood for no damn reason what so ever I was fine until an hour ago wtf, so I'm going to humour it. Because why not? And maybe it will focus and not insist we need to pack our things and run to the hills.

(No, it is not the news. I avoid the news. It's not ostrich syndrome, it's basic survival necessity. Besides, Mum's retired and does pay attention to the news and can pass along the parts I need to know without the copious fear mongering. I seriously don't know what my brain wants right now.)

Anywho! While this is not an Island piece, it's sort of...Island adjacent? While doing set up for the infamous Phillip on the Island piece, I kinda worked out with @alex51324 what our dear Duke would have been doing in the war for this sub-reality-of-an-au and the other day my brain decided we should explore that a bit, just so we have his thinking down 100% in the other piece. .....I don't trust this to work, but don't fight inspiration, right? Right. That is not how we get our WIP folder to grow.

And since my brain's calendar says it's Wednesday, I thought I'd share a bit, in case anyone was curious. Also, because I'm not sure that what I'm doing with certain of his relations is clear or if I need to make them more obvious. The fine line between trusting my readers to be able to think and obscuring details, ya' know?

Anywho, for the curious: have Phillip, July 1916, failing to get to sleep.

-

Next to the bed was a small nightstand that held a book, an alarm clock, and a stack of letters. He looked at the white paper, visible in the moonlight that seeped through the curtains.

The top one was from his mother. She informed him that his wife, Charlotte, was taken with the flu, and the doctors were quite concerned that she might die, leaving little Cecily as their only child. He could always get another wife, of course, if absolutely necessary (they’d have Charlotte’s money after all, and wasn’t that the important thing?), but it would be better for all involved if he would stop being irresponsible, leave the fool’s game of playing at soldier to other men, come home at once, and be by Charlotte’s side. The war office would find a place for him, if he truly felt the need to involve himself.

As if his presence could cure disease. If anything, his being home would raise his own chance of dying. One of the senior officers had taken him and some of the others out to the nearest trench once, to be saluted by the men and sneered at behind their backs. Outside of that, the most danger he faced was a paper cut. If he died of the flu, the title would revert to the crown, and then where would they be? There would have been no point in his marrying in the first place. No point in having lived at all, really.

Beneath the first letter came two from his sisters. Louisa, still single and living at home, repeated his mother’s news about Charlotte, but added that little Cecily was walking quite well now and had said her first word, which was Mama. Surely Papa couldn’t be far behind! She liked being read to, although she wanted to turn the pages herself. How bright she was! How clever! If only he could be there to see her.

He thought of the photograph he kept in his cigarette case, a baby in swaddling clothes, gazing curiously in the camera as her mother held her. He remembered holding her, hours old (one of the advantages of being a duke was arranging home leave). He remembered the weight of her, the way she smelled, and the odd sense of pride he felt at her being a born a girl, regardless of what the world wanted. He caught himself on the verge of pushing himself out of bed, packing his things and demanding to go back to England and a nice, responsible job in the war office, and hang anyone who thought him a coward for it. He forced his muscles to relax and lay back down. Duke or not, he couldn’t just leave France when he wanted. There were jobs in the war office if he wanted them, yes, but it would take his mother pulling strings to make it happen.

Louisa always had been the cunning one of the family.

Florrie took after their mother and did not bother hiding her scorn. It made her easier to resist. She talked about her own son, little Edward, and how her husband, Charles, had made certain the line and the title were secure before he’d agreed to go off to France. Once again he heard about Charlotte’s health and the available jobs in the war office. She mentioned several of her friends whose husbands hadn’t come back, simultaneously reminding him of the danger and presenting him with a list of eligible replacements, should Charlotte die. Florrie and Charlotte had never got on.

That was it for the day’s mail. Next came a letter two weeks old already which had passed through the army’s censors. It was from Charles, at the Front. The trenches were worse than he’d imagined, as was the food. He’d give anything for boarding school food, even if it was cauliflower cheese. At least that hadn’t been tinned. He said Phillip was well off where he was, and that he’d be well suited for the job he’d left behind in the war office. Phillip would have thought his mother had put the man up to writing that bit, except Charles had never been clever enough for even that level of subtlety.

He’d replied to the letter, but it had been returned, undeliverable. Apparently he’d learned his brother-in-law was dead before his sister had.

For all he knew, Charles was being buried under his window.

With a sigh, Phillip rolled over and tried to get comfortable. The bed was too narrow and the mattress too hard for a truly good night sleep, but he was exhausted enough that surely he could get a few hours rest, despite the heat. If only the damn shovels would stop.

He idly wondered how his brothers were doing. Of course, no one thought to tell him that. True, his family hadn’t been close to the Salbergs since death had ended his father’s affair with Miriam Salberg, Lady Stockbridge. Still, his mother hadn’t discouraged the connection, and Phillip had certainly danced with Harriett at plenty of balls. Before his mother had insisted he become serious about finding a wife, the two of them made a grand joke about how they might one day be married, as if the likeness between them weren’t something people avoided commenting on. They delighted in batting their eyes at each other and watching the older aristocrats look uncomfortable. John at least looked like his mother. Phillip did the sums in his head and came to the unavoidable conclusion that the younger man was, beyond a shadow of any doubt, old enough to enlist. Lord Stockbridge was only a baron. Had he been able to keep John out of it? Had he even wanted to? While Phillip didn’t know of any ill will between the baron and his youngest children, he still had to know John wasn’t actually his.

Perhaps he would write Harriett. She had moved to Derbyshire, having netted herself an earl, but she would certainly be able to tell him if their brother was at home or in the trenches.

Geoffry, of course, was only seventeen and still in grammar school. Even if the war went on long enough for him to join, their mother would move mountains to keep her darling ward out of it. Phillip supposed he couldn’t be too bitter about it, given that she’d have done the same thing for him, if he’d let her. She still would, her letters made that clear. But with Geoffry it wouldn’t matter if he was married, or if he had sons. Whoever the boy’s father was (probably the Earl of Carton, whose wife stubbornly refused to die or demand a divorce, but it was difficult to say. It might just as well have been a visiting valet, for all Phillip knew), she had wanted to be with him. She had wanted his child, where as Phillip had been a duty for both of his parents, and the girls had been a failure. And while he told himself that it didn’t matter…

Well. It was difficult not to envy him. It wasn’t that their mother dotted on him, particularly, any more than she had her legitimate children. She was too clever for that. But she found other ways to spoil him. He had freedom of a sort Phillip could only imagine. He’d had his choice of schools, his choice of careers to pursue (he was interested in law). He’d be allowed to marry whomever he pleased, no doubt, since the estate and title were Phillip’s responsibility. No matter how tight money was, he was certain that the Dowager Duchess would leave him a tidy amount upon her death (and Phillip wouldn’t dream of saying no. If the girls didn’t murder him, his mother would haunt him), and then he’d be able to go wherever he pleased. He could move to France or Spain or America, if he liked, while Phillip was stuck maintaining the honour of the family.

There were days he wished the Germans would drop a bomb on him. Then the honour of the family could go fuck itself, and take the honour of the Empire with it.

[lairofdragonagelore]

Dragon Age: Vows and Vengeance

Episodes: 1, 2, 3, and 4

Episodet: 5, 6, 7, and 8

What lore do we extract from them? What seems to be questionable or a recall of a concept from a previous game? I basically collect the interesting ideas and make small speculations or comments on them, testing their reliability or lore consistency as far as I can.

*These Podcasts, like Absolution, are not considered reliable sources of lore [read the end of the post]

Episode 1: Once a Thief…

This story starts in Minrathous and finishes in its borders with Anderfels.

Solas has been collecting relics all across Thedas. This is the reason why he has been hiring people to do research/digging work. This is not new, we know this from the book Tevinter Nights and the Comics.

The Archives of the Magisterium in Minrathous have a broad “collection of objects, scrap of writing, relics, or antiquities that are “remotely” interesting to the Empire”. Among them, the Eye of Kethisca.

The Eye of Kethisca: This is a new relic that appears in this story for the first time. We can suspect it's used to stabilise the Veil, locally. The object interacted with Nadia first, humming to her. It’s not clear if Elio is accustomed to that humming, the tense situation urges him to ignore it, or he cannot perceive it at all. I suspect the latter.

The object glows and “unleashed a wave of energy that tore the ground up and almost killed Elio.”

Solas assures that there is nothing to fear about this relic, and claims it was “made from a rare gem mined in the caves beneath them”. The object “forms a bond with a person and it amplifies their powers”. This is a strange piece of lore I cannnot connect with anything else from previous games. Binding processes are quite important and central in the stories of Dragon Age, but they tend to be magical ones with some level of ritual and procedure. In this case, it happens accidentally and spontaneously.

This Eye was “crafted centuries ago by a powerful dreamer” named An’Dante, who is related to Elio Andante [it seems that the original surname changed over the ages]. Solas implies to know Elio or his anscestors and claims that the Magister is a powerful rift mage, hence his suspicion for him to be the key to stabilise the Veil in this region via the relic.

This means that Elio Andante was related to a dreamer called An’Dante, which apostrophe [in my opinion, and all the following is a speculation] seems to imply an elvish name. I’m suspecting Elio belongs to one of the many Tevinter lineages that has some relationship or maybe even elven blood in them. It won't be the first time we are hinted with this concept: in the comic Blue Wraith we see a similar clue; Fenris claims that Francesca's plant magic was only seen in Dalish clans. It's clear for me that this increases the implications of ancient Tevinter being more tight with the Elvhenan than through invasion, co-opt, and erasure of their influence in the Tevinter culture [similar parallel can be found among the Dalish and Orlais in the South]. We also need to remember the highly cryptic codex Astrariums, which claims that Tevinter was more focused on astronomy before adopting the Magisterium system. On the other hand, via the many constellation codices we have all over DAI, we can see some bland links between Tevinter and Elvhenan culture. This link may imply that Tevinter and Elvhenan may have had better relationships than those that were developed after the Magisterium system was established. Another clue can be found in the Tevinter Mosaics, where one of the main Magisters is depicted with pointy ears and bare feet.

Solas is not sure if the magister perceived the Eye, so he keeps asking Elio if he can notice the Fade and this energy coming from the relic. We know, as listeners, that Nadia does. The lack of response from Elio leaves us without knowing if he can perceive it or not. We can assume that Elio does not, but he wants to leave a mark in the world, changing it for the better as he confessed to Nadia later. Therefore, he doesn’t deny nor confirm the lack of bond towards the Eye. He thinks this was fated for him. So, in his desire to become helpful in a moment of his life when he lost all his power and status, Elio wants to be “the chosen one” in this mission. Therefore, he performs the ritual and fails.

It’s also curious that a non-mage [Nadia] can perceive the energy [thin Veil] of the cave. Is this a lore inconsiscency? I would assume that this is a hint to reinforce the idea that the Eye was bond to her, and not to Elio.

Solas uses the word reckoning in his dialogue not by chance, this word is related to Flemeth’s words, and the revenge she has to archieve for Mythal. A reckoning that will shake the very heavens and will heal a broken, agonizing world.

The Eye starts to hum when they enter the cave. Solas explains this is an “ancient city chamber, once home to unspeakable acts. Many were sacrificed on these grounds, and the blood that was spilled weakened the barriers between the worlds.” They chant in Arcanum and Elvish. The cave seems to vibrate and probably some tear is open? Hard to know with only sounds. In my opinon, it is not really possible to connect this chamber with Horrors of Hormak from Tevinter Nights.

The ritual goes wrong. I especulate it is because the relic was not bound to Elio but Nadia. The Eye explodes, the cave collapses, and Solas and Nadia escape but leave Elio behind, since he has “crossed over”. I assume this is a similar situation to the one we saw in DAI when a tear opened right below the falling bridge of Adamant Fortress [read a refresh in Orlais, Western Approach: Adamant Fortress].

We learn later that Solas went to visit an “ancient burial grounds in the Hinterlands”. I don’t know if we can claim these hiterlands are the same ones in Ferelden.

When Nadia rides the horse at the end of the story, she has a connection with Elio. We can assume that these connections are possible due to the thinning of the Veil all over the world, and because maybe her bond to the Eye makes her bound to Elio [who carries the lineage of the crafter] stronger. However, it's a detail I would question from a lore-wise perspective. We never saw this kind of situation before. The only time we stepped into the Fade, physically, was in DAI, and there was no connection with those left in Adamant Fortress. This is a characteristc that may have been introduced now to explain what will eventually happen between Solas and Rook: we know Solas will be trapped in the Fade and bound to Rook to whom he speaks to.

Our future companion Neve is introduced in this episode.

Episode 2: The Cult of the Doom Blade

This story happens in Anderfels.

We learn there is a cult called “Cult of the Doom Blade”, which worships “The Deathless One”. It’s commanded by Bolmor. The Cult attacks and coherces a nearby town under the threat of the Hunger of the Deadless One, which has to be satified with sacrifices. Each month the villagers have a blind drawing. Two amongst them are chosen for the offering, but no one has ever seen what happens.

The ritual that Solas is performing to lock the Evanuris is causing a lot of alterations: tremors, anomalies, the veil grows thin. These events are taken advantage of by the cult to reinforce the idea of the “end of the world” and to force villagers to accept regular humanoid sacrifices. The one time that the town tried to fight them back they suffered a retaliation that made the cult take all their children.

Nadia meets Harding and explains why she is looking for Solas. Suddenly, her head rings and another contact with Elio from the Fade is established. She collapses and cames back to her senses later.

We are introduced to Drayden Kiel, a mysterious character: They define themself as a writer, scholar, and historian, who has been studying the Cult of the Doom Blade for nearly a year. Their goal was to study the cult and stop it for good. They read books about war, and claim that learning the patterns in history allows us to avoid being stuck. However, their story changes at the end of the podcasts: They were “researching the cult because they study the Fade”. The link between the Fade and the Cult is not clear for us. The Cult is not making the Fade thinier in this part of Anderfels so this line is curious at best. “If your problem lies beyond the Veil, I can actually help you”, they say, confidently.

Drayden is quite cunning. They claim they were researching the cult, had a plan of their own to escape with life and with the other sacrifice woman, and then entangled Harding and Nadia in a conversation to gently force them to fight for the town. They are good at reading the enemy and at learning their pattners to use them against them, reason why Drayden won a fight against Nadia only using their sword. Drayden made shock bombs durign dinner that allowed them to win the final battle. “It's a little trick I picked up from these things called books.” There is a lot of cunning and evasive very subtle in this character. Clearly there is more to Drayden than what they are allowing us to see.

Our future companion Harding is introduced in this episode

Episode 3: A Deadly Descent

This story happens in Anderfels, in a place that has a "crumbling face protruding from a cliff. It's the statue of The Green Guardian". In this place, neither "insects nor worms can survive the lands. No body can decay here".

There is a very popular mix in the Anderfels described as “rotten fruit sludge for your most refined taste buds.” Drayden even perceives it as sweet, which makes us assume that their year spent in this place is true: they have an “acquired taste” for this berverage.

Drayden claims that “If their studies of the Fade have taught them anything, it's that the future always hides in the past.”

Drayden is called by Haring “little egg” and by Nadia as “companion”, keeping them gender-free. Later, Drayden is smited by Davrin. We also learn they hate spiders.

In another scene, Davrin thinks and shares his thoughts to Goff about the rumour they heard: griffons are not extinct. This is an immediate call to the book The Last Flight where we discover 13 griffon eggs were saved from the Blight.

Drayden displays strange connotations; the natural way in which they speak about death makes us suspect some mortalitasi point of view in their vision of life: “Our deaths follow us like a shadow, seems only natural to make its acquaintance.”

When they step into darkspawns, Drayden claims to know about Blight magic, a knowledge we expect only Grey Warden could have. “Blight magic, look at the eyes behind it. Oh no. Genlocks”. So they know more than only Fade, they know about the darkspwan, their differences, and the Blight Magic; subjects of study a bit distant one another, and some of them extremelly secret for a particular Order.

It’s curiuous that the narrative, through repetition, presents Solas as a betrayer and a person who has “forced” Elio to perfom the ritual:

NADIA: (sighs) Elio, my partner, he wasn't just some magic wielder, he was an Altus mage and part of the Magisterium. But the Dread Wolf put a plan in motion to turn the Templars against him. He wanted to force Elio into a corner so he'd have no choice but to help him perform a dangerous ritual. (sighs) But the Wolf betrayed us. And now Elio is trapped somewhere in the Fade. Me and my companion here seek only to rescue him before it's too late. And we received information from the Inquisition that led us here. But now we walk away from the very tunnels that may reveal the Dread Wolf himself!

If we go back to the Episode 1, Elio was not forced to do this, Solas asked several times if Elio was connected to the Fade and the relic, and Elio did not answer straighfoward because his personal desire for being the source of change. Solas also said that the Ritual was as safe as possible. The misunderstanding lays in the fact that Nadia was the one bound to the relic, and therefore, the one who should have performed the ritual. We don’t know if Solas called the Templars upon Elio either. In fact, it would have been strange, considering he already had hired Nadia’s people to get the relic. If anything, Elio was the one who brougt attention upon himself with the guards. What I want to point out here is that we are shown once again how the narrative twists in a way that one character changes the facts, creates a whole different story, and spreads it to a lot of people, changing it 180 degree. This phenomenon is a reiterative topic in DA Lore: The eternal unreliable narrators that explain sitautions that have been twisted over time.

When they walk to the mine, the ground cracks, and they fall into its depths. As they escape from a mob of spiders, they find another underground chamber:

DRAYDEN: This chamber, it feels different from the cave. I can sense something. DAVRIN: You feel all that lyrium coursing through the walls. DRAYDEN: No, it's more than that. The Veil is thin here. We should be careful.

This to me reinforces the suspicion that Drayden is a mage in disguise or has spirits around them. No other characters in DA lore can perceive the state of the Veil when it’s not obvious [aka, a tear is right open in front of them]. However, the lore-questionable explanation will be given in Episode 4.

In this chamber, we find a mosaic that is described by Drayen as: “This is no ordinary mosaic. Look at the way the circle is split down the middle. The top half is onyx. It's like a mirror![...] You can see your reflection in the darkness. And this portrait below, the figures are upside down and pointing to the stars and to the sky” On it there are small wolf totems that represent the Dread Wolf usually placed at the Dalish camps in Arlathan.

This mosaic has an elven inscription that they can’t read, so Davrin translates the text from this ancient dialect: "Guide me on the path that splits the land between sun and moon." This is a concept that has started to be present in the lore in the last time, specially during the development of DAV [for example, in the Vinyl Art] but the oldest reference to suns, moons, and eclipses belong to DA2, that can be read in The Emergent Compendium. However, there were no other references all over DAI.

Solving the puzzle, Drayen presses some stars on the mosaic and the lyrium glows intensily, opening an energy fissure. If anything, this sounds like the description of an Eluvian and supports the idea that the Eluvian are made of lyrium [thus, they glow in that particular blue shown in DAI and can be corrupted by the Blight as it had happened in DAO]. This fissure apparently opens two exits: a tunel and a portal.

Our future companion Davrin is introduced in this episode.

Episode 4: Beyond the Veil

This story is located in the Arlathan Forest, which “shifts like a prism, magic rippling everywhere”. The whole episode shows its physical and time instabilities, and how dangerous it can be. This place was also featured in the comic The Missing [read the post for more details] with some questionable lore concepts [as it has been happening since Gaider left Bioware].

Bellara is chased by Templars that want her artifact. The object in question is Flicker, “an ancient Elven device built with secret metallurgical techniques lost to time.” It’s a relic that works as a guide or a hound in the Fade, “like a wisp that can lead through the Fade”. Again, this concept is quite questionable: during the time in which the Waking World and the Fade were one, why Elvhenan would requiere such specific device more suited for the instabilities that it has once the Veil was created? I hope we are provided some logical explanation about this.

The Flicker needs a “Fade sparkle” to come back to life. If anything, this process can be related to the creation of worlds as we saw in the codex Raising the Sonallium  analysed in Ancient Elven codices; Vir Dirthara where we see the creation of "life/worlds" by using the energy of the Fade.

Apparently, Bellara can animate trees. I’m not sure how this looks like, but I hope it’s not like Sylvans, since those are spirits trapped in or possessing trees. Decades of lore would become questionable otherwise.

There is a new concept of “bubbles”, places in the Arlathan Forest that have no instabilities of any kind.

The concept of Veil Jumpers is introduced: "an alliance of interested parties that have been trying to figure out what's happening in the forest, what's causing all of these anomalies, and ultimately, wants to seek to restore order on these lands". We were told about them in the comic The Missing, where Strife [also present in the book Tevinter Nights] is featured as well.

Bellara's role is to “map” the Fade, which is a concept a bit worrisome for me. We have been told via codices [reliable and not, for example Walking the Fade: Frozen Moments] during three games, that the constant change of the Fade, eternally reflecting the Waking World, makes it impossible to truly map it. Bellara also claims that “the deeper one looks, the less they seem to know about the Fade” which may be a link to the mysterious codex in DAI called The Deepest Fade which interpretation I’ve worked on Ancient Elven codices; Vir Dirthara.

We are informed that Solas has just recently taken another artifact from the depths of this Forest; this is a calling to the events happening in the comic The Missing.

We finally are explained why Drayden feels so odd: they basically can listen to spirits, an ability that always belonged to mages in DA lore. The explanation for their case, as a non-mage and yet having these powers, is highly questionable in my opinion. They developed the concept of “strange child touched by the Fade”, as if this were an unnusual case of sorcery a la DnD, when in DA lore, every single mage is a sorcerer, and wizardry does not exist. The unnecesary creation of yet another strange category is questionable, specially when we have been told in 3 games and several books that there are low magic mages, that barely can cast anyhting, and yet they feel the Fade and can suffer the same dangers than any mage. Another potential explanation, with less lore-breaking implications, is that Drayden may be an elf-blooded human, so they developed this sensitivity to the Fade as a consequence of the recent alterations that the Veil has been suffering for the last decades under Solas’ ritual [let's remember that Solas wants to heal/return the world to its previous state where elves were eternal and magical]. However, we don’t see this effect in more elves or elf-blooded humans to consider it a potential explanation. Again, a very questionable concept in my opinion. I hope a better in-lore justification is provided in the game. Addition: We also have the situation of the Seekers that acquire a magic/Fade-related power when a Spirit touches them after their tranquility. Maybe there is something of this in this character [and Lucanis].

The group jumps into the Fade and Nadia meets Elio, but due to the many hints shown in their dialogue, we can suspect this is not the real Elio but a spirit trying to trick Nadia. Later, the Templar that was chasing them in the beginning of the episode appears in the Fade as a “corrupted” entity and kills Elio. This situation messes witih Nadia's emotions. Is this Templar another spirit?

The corrupted templar rises a whole “army from the Fade itself” [?] that are all “lyrium-corrupted”[???]. Suddenly, this Templar seems less of a spirit and more of a Red Templar. It’s confusing at best.

As Bellara and Drayden try to bring Nadia to her senses, a “Fade Storm” appears, making the Fade more unstable [???]. This may be part of the consequences of the ritual that Solas is performing. Apparently, going deeper into the Storm is safer [???] since “the Templars will be just as susceptible as them, corruption or no”. The logic in this part of the podcast is highly questionable. They finally escape the Fade through a tear.

The Templar kept the ring that Elio gave to Nadia and finishes the scene with a clear intention of using it against her [?]. Very confusing.

“There's a small fluctuation in the ether right there. I think it's the Veil!” That line is so weird, I’m very worried about the lore of this game and how much has been pulled out of nowhere just to make it easy and fast.

It’s a bit funny for me that after 3 games showing the gravity of physically stepping into the Fade and the dramatic implications of the Black City, we are just able to jump in and out of the Fade as if it were not big deal and we can walk around the Black City as if it were a park. The concepts lost entirely their gravity and solemnity. The comic was more serious and careful with this. You never stepped into the Fade, you only walked through zones where the Veil was extemelly thin due to Solas' ritual.

The story ends with Nadia and Drayden falling in Pall Vollen, where qunari soldiers speak Common perfectly, without any accent, instead of Qunlat.

We are introduced to our future companion Bellara.

These Podcasts, like Absolution, are not considered reliable sources of lore: