#working on too many things. attention split between a lot of shit

[magnificentmicrowave]

I NEED YOU TO BE PRESENT

FOR WHAT I AM GOING TO DO NEXT

[syscest]

I feel like i want to explore being plural but i also dont feel like i understand it enough and i live in constant fear that im disrespectful, misunderstanding, and just faking it to feel special.

I do feel like there is a disconnect in who i am at different times, the most jarring between me being ace and slightly sex repulsed normally and then suddenly just moments of extreme horniness. But i also just dont feel like i have continuity of character at all, like every version of me before and after Right Now This Moment is an entirely different person

many many many systems are made to feel like they're "just faking things for attention". plural imposter syndrome is so common i don't think i know a single system who hasn't had to work thru it to some degree.

you cannot disrespect other plural systems by exploring a potential plural explanation for your own experiences - it helps to be conscious of the variety of plural experiences out there and not expect everyone else's experience to be the same as yours, but that only matters for your interactions with other systems.

if you're worried about misunderstanding plurality it always helps to listen to a variety of other systems' experiences, as usual plural respect is a good starting point but there's a lot to be gained from just hearing other systems' personal experiences too.

splits between "very horny part of the system" and "not at all horny part of the system" are pretty common! plenty of systems have some headmates who are very dtf and others who want that shit kept far away from them. it's not unheard of as a kind of fluctuating asexuality either, but that doesn't mean you can't explore both possibilities.

and yeah uhhhh. been there with the feeling like you don't have a stable continuous identity thing. for us plurality helped resolve a lot of that, both via providing more identity structure for us to glom onto and by helping identify patterns of identity that were already there. I can't guarantee it's what will work for you and plurality certainly isn't the answer to all identity problems. but like,

these are all fairly common experiences for plural systems. i think it's worth exploring the possibility, especially if that's something you already want to do.

[brainrot-goes-brrrrrr]

Savanna Squad Presentation Night Headcanons/mini fic [1/3]

splitting this into three headcanon parts because my god its long

eat up :]

Part 1: Taylor & Logan Part 2: Ben & Tyler Part 3: Aiden & Ashlyn

Ashlyn's POV

So the question is: How did we get here? Simple answer really. Taylor. She was always the one to suggest these kinds of things, team building hang outs, though last time it was just us.

The rest of the boys had plans. Tyler had practice to attend, one of the late kinds, Ben and Logan had a project together due for bio in a day or two, and Aiden, for some reason, had a late dentist appointment (much to his dismay). Only Taylor could make it to the graveyard early. Initially, we were just meant to manage our resources, which was manageable with one person, but it was always easier with other people to bounce ideas off of. That's all it was meant to be, but Taylor had other ideas.

"Girls night!!" She had cheered, and we just hung out.

And I had fun.

But as Logan fights with his laptop to mirror on the T.V for the presenters, that being us, I can't help but feel like I'm going to regret this one. Especially with Tweedledee and Tweedledum in the background yelling about something that I don't want to know about, but will probably learn against my will.

Just as Taylor and Ben come downstairs with blankets and pillows, Logan's T.V finally projects the wallpaper of his laptop.

"It's set up, thank god," he sighs, with that last part being under his breathe. And as we set up in his living room, Ben dragging Aiden and Tyler from the kitchen, both with bags of snacks in their arms, and Taylor handing out blankets, we finally sit in our places.

The next question, however, is Who goes first?

Taylor Hernandez

Taylor goes first because she's the one who planned it and was the most excited about it. Aiden tried to go first, but it was collectively agreed that he would be going last for no reason other than to piss him off lmao

Anyways, we love a STEM girl (be still my own heart) so her presentation would be all about her tools and work for the mechanics club. She takes this club seriously, not only because it's good for networking, but because she genuinely finds it fun. I like to think that there are two levels to the club where one is just a standard club and the second level is a competition team, and she was shooting to be a part of the competition league (totally not projecting because I'm a robotics kid)

Her presentation is so well done. It's not only really well organized, but it is just so pretty. It's the type of presentation that teachers would drool over. Avid Canva user b/c it has a lot of customization options that she loves.

What's a toolbox tour without the actual toolbox that's just as decorated as her slideshow. And she takes care of it, too.

Her presentation is so fun and sets a fun tune for the night, and she manages to make this topic really engaging. She would have a little quiz at the end, too, where if one of the group gets a question correct, they get a piece of candy

shows off tools like she's filming a makeup tutorial, I saw this on tumblr, and it's just canon at this point. No criticisms are accepted because it just isn't possible.

Group's reaction

Ashlyn and Ben are the ones who pay the most attention to the presentation. Ashlyn also gets the most questions right at the end of the quiz.

Logan asks the most questions in between slides, but not in an annoying way. He does get a bit lost, though, considering just how many tools there are.

Tyler and Aiden are still bickering a bit. Aiden can't sit still for the life of himself, but he swears that he is listening. Tyler would say otherwise.

Aiden is, though, and he ends up getting Taylor a really nice tool set that she mentioned she wanted when presenting just because he can. He is her favorite for a few days. He absolutely would have a shit eating grin looking at Tyler to just say, "See, I was listening :D". Tyler would then say that he could go fuck himself /hj

Logan Fields

Logan is next. The laptop hates him, and it's old and shuts down multiple times in his presentation. The group then had to watch this man fight with a busted 4-year-old laptop and lose several times. Have you ever seen your parents fight with a printer the night before you have a school project due? It's like that, and the rest are concerned.

He is an astrology bitch, and I will take no criticisms. But like, not in the way that it controls his life, he would not be caught dead saying that the stars told him to do something, like not let him eat alfredo on Sunday or something like that. He's more interested in the concept itself since the idea of zodiacs have existed for so long. Its his comfort research topic.

Absolutely went HAM on researching each and every one of their birth charts. Ask him to show you his notes, and he would not show you. Why??? because he took up an entire notepad (it's one of the smaller ones but still).

"Logan's so innocent" "Logan's so sweet" "My boy can do no wro-" NO!!!! THAT MOTHERFUCKER WILL READ YOU TO FILTH AND I STAND BY THIS. ITS LIKE HE LOOKED YOUR SOUL, UP AND DOWN, AND EXPOSED IT FOR THE WORLD TO SEE (something tells me Tyler gets it the worse. idk why it just feels right)!!! If he feels like something doesn't fit one of the people in the group he is clear about it

"Here is Gemini, a social butterfly. Here is Ashlyn. A Gemini. I love Ashlyn, but like a year ago I have actually seen you jump a fence to avoid a group of people who go to our high school without thinking, and I would say that needs an intervention but you'd also avoid it by jumping a fence." "..."

The presentation itself is long as hell. Like he goes in depth about everything that he talks about, and if you interrupt him, he will shoot you with a spray bottle. Did I mention there's a group spray bottle? Guess why they have one.

Somehow, he is still only the second longest presentation.

Group's Reaction

Taylor is his biggest hypeman. I feel like she'd also enjoy astrology a bit, too, though she's more of a casual fan. She is also one of the few people who is free from Logan's jabs.

Ben is also free from his jabs because he helped him with the laptop, which, thank god, because Logan was about to lose it. I don't think he really believes in astrology. The most he knows is his sun sign on the surface level. He is invested, though.

Don't think Ash is very interested in astrology either, and at some points in his presentation, he just loses her attention.

Tyler gets sprayed at least twice with the spray bottle because he gets defensive. Surprisingly, I do think he would be somewhat interested and knowledgeable about his star signs at least, mainly because he had to deal with Taylor when she went through an astrology phase (let me tell you it was brutal).

Aiden is also interested and engaged in the presentation, but maybe a little too much. What I mean is that he interrupts at points and is the reason why the spray bottle exists. Logan is flattered, but istg Aiden if you interrupt this man one more time...

By the end of the two presentations, the group is in pretty high spirits and having a good time, despite the fact that two of them are a bit wet.

Logan's laptop, however, is not, and just as they were setting up Ben's powerpoint, it decides that it was a good time to perform a mandatory update and restarts.

Absolute silence.

You could hear a pin drop.

And all eyes go to Logan.

"..."

"..."

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!"

Long story short, the presentations have to be postponed for around an hour and forty-eight minutes (maybe you never know with computers), and Logan is taking a walk.

[melodic-haze]

YK HOW CLORINDES BUTTON IS FIGHTING FOR ITS LIFE ON HER UNIFORM RIGHT. Then imagine reader noticing it and just tearing it apart and suck her tits. That’s a need fr 🤤

☆ — DEMO TRACK: sub!Clorinde x dom!Reader

☆ — TYPE: NSFW

☆ — CONTENT WARNINGS: Nipple obsession 🫶, she gets kinda perved on a lil bit but that's just people looking at her and her whoreass fit like!!! What!!!!!!!, idk what else ngl

☆ — NOTES: Dude how the fuck do her clothes even work. Like I've been staring at it for a while now like what. How???? Anyway it's 1 am sorry if it isn't coherent

Clorinde's buttons are fighting for their lives and so am I

"Appropriate uniform" my nonexistent left NUT how the HELL!!! Is that allowed!!!!!!!

No but seriously it must be such a struggle to watch her walk around like that. Like what. What why what

You couldn't help but stare at your lover's chest—more specifically, her button-up that was practically struggling to hold on.

"..Clorinde?"

She lifts her head to look at you with a light smile on her face, temporarily pausing her movement to put on her shoes, "Yes, my dear?"

You cleared your throat as you leaned on the wall, looking at your eyes still locked onto that same spot, "Do you not get.. you know, a clothing violation or something?"

"Why?" She tilted her head in what is indesputably, undeniably real confusion, "I do not see why I would."

She probably feels it though. Or at least you'd assume so, with how tight her clothes seem to be on her.

"..Nothing. Just, um," you scratched the nape of your neck sheepishly before shaking your head and forcing your eyes on her own, "good luck at work today."

She nods and says her goodbyes before leaving out the door.

Hm.

When you're outside, for some reason you can't help but notice that people are staring at her awfully lot!! It could be because like she's the Champion Duellist so obvs they'd be in awe.........but it doesn't seem like they're in awe for that reason, with the way they look at her restricted chest when they're close enough. Is it just today that they're noticing this?? Or is it just today that YOU'RE noticing them looking at her??????

Whatever it is, it's pissing you off a little (a lot)!!! She has the audacity to say she doesn't know what you're on about when she's being gawked at bc of the same reason YOU were gawking at her for

By the time the day ends you're about to lose it (I would personally 🫶) so you're waiting in your room for her before she comes back, all oblivious to the MANY stares she's had and the. Wardrobe malfunction that was going on there. The moment she gets back, dude POUNCE HER because I fuckin would 😭😭😭

Don't give her time to even think of anything—not like she'll need the time, she'd abandon all trains of thought for once the moment you're both in the mood. Kiss her HARD, she'll happily let you and your tongue lead like a familiar dance between the two of you

What ISN'T familiar, though, is when you grasp onto the opening part of her button-up and tug on it. And not tug on it normally like you would to suggest that she takes her clothes off, nonononono I mean FORCING IT TO SPLIT

She breaks the kiss to ask you what you're doing and that you're putting a LOT of force into-- OH SHIT IT POPPED OPEN!!!! The buttons didn't really need any encouraging by that point but with your help it popped off to god knows where 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ but colour her SURPRISED she did NOT expect you to do that

Or did she

Anyway she's quite literally about to complain to you, saying that that was her clothes you JUST ripped open what the heck!!!! But then you kinda easily shut her up the moment you tug her bra down and start paying attention to her tits

Bite em hard, suck em real nice and leave a VERY obvious mark on them so that she thinks twice about wearing things that will DEFINITELY expose her at any given minute. Play with her nipples too, and don't forget to give attention to the neglected side❗️❗️

She'll shut up real quick if you pay SOOO much attention to them, pulling you in even further via holding your head closer to you. She'll even comb your hair too, if you have any :3 though she might accidentally tug on them if you do smth that particularly gives her a shock lol

Atp rip her tights for access too, she won't even care anymore now that you've ripped her shirt open 🤷‍♀️ she says she has more anyway what's one loss gonna do?? Rip it and massage her clit as you don't stop spoiling her breasts, sucking them as if something's gonna come out if you persevere hard enough, and I promise she'll be breathing so fucking heavily as she begs you for more. More of what? She can't even clarify, the ever so composed Duellist is at an utter loss!!!!!

Plunge your fingers in and you can feel how wet she is, how Easily your fingers just slip into her and move in and out, how her folds practically flutter around your digits from every lick and suck of her nipples like a bitch starved AND possessed

If you curl your fingers a certain way and suck on her tits at the same time too???? Oh FUCK you're ripping out SUCH a huge orgasm from her that has her bucking her hips and grinding them into your palm and you need to fuck her through it!!!! Fuck her through her high and bring her down......and even after that she kinda don't gaf if she's absolutely dirtied her attire atp or made a mess as she drags you off for more, hat probably on the ground and forgotten

She'd care when you're like DONE done though, with her sighing in such a way that you do feel like you should probably help bc you DID still rip her shit apart 😭

But yeah dude everyone can stare all they want but only YOU get the privilege of going feral and tearing her clothes apart just to touch her and taste her in any way you can. Mark her up so that underneath her clothing, as embarrassing as they are, are all the proof that everything under the fabric?? That's all for you babe 🙏🙏

It was the day after, and you were looking at her and her clothing once again.. along with everyone else's looks on her, once again more filled with a mix of filtered lust and quite a bit of jealousy from some of the women due to how form-fitting her attire was.

She did say that she'll make a note to buy some looser versions of her outfit, but...

At the end of the day, it was Clorinde's decision to wear what she wants to wear. And it's not like it's ever hindered her work before—if anything, the fact that it's the way it is probably helps with her mobility somehow, especially when such a chest is sure to be a nuisance when she moves around so much.

..You can't really help but feel a bit jealous of your girlfriend, though. Or maybe possessive?maybe, but such a word feels like you want her all to yourself.

(You do, but still.)

But then you realise that maybe such worries are unfounded after all, especially when you overhear someone speaking of a dark mark on her neck, which she describes as a nasty bite on patrol.

You know it wasn't some random bite though, and it seems that she knows full well she's lying, especially when she sees you and gives you a small smile before pretending to scratch her neck to reveal that dark mark you had inflicted.

[gynandromorph]

Hmm, question given the recent lore drop- if speech bubbles are treated as a visual sense, does that mean its possible for someone to literally hide behind the speech bubble of someone who's talking a lot? Or do they pop in and out too fast for that? (And can people actually see stuff that's happening 'off panel' or are they just... aware of it?)

People can see stuff happening off-panel. For example, Jessie can hear a waiter coming from behind her on a date with Shiloh before Shiloh sees him.

Also yeah you could feasibly hide behind a speech bubble. whether they pop in and out too fast gets into the thorny territory because they perceive time kind of like we do -- except a lot slower. As people, we see a lot of individual "slices" of information and our brain smooths it out as a continuous experience. It is far from a complete perception of the stream of time. There a lot of things that happen so fast we don't see them at all. The characters work similarly; they see slices of time as panels and their brains fills in the rest, just like how when you're reading a comic it feels like continuous action when they are wildly disparate moments. In the first draft of the script, there was a running speedrun commentators joke and they referred to time spent in terms of how many panels it takes to get to the next split. It was removed because it was too meta; the characters don't know about the panels just like we don't know what happens in between the "slices" of information we get from our senses. They are non-diegetic.

Since I'm already here and it's sort of related to the question, but a long time ago I was asked what happens to characters when Jessie moves on to another part of the story? Like when Jessie "jumps to the next time shiloh is begging for it," what happens to shiloh in between those two spots in time? does the story keep going? does Shiloh remember any of it?

time does not happen where the story has not taken place, eg. time outside of jessie's presence or the side comics doesn't happen at all. it will retroactively "write" what happened as it's forced to. like if jessie jumped to that time and then asked shiloh what they had been doing for the last hour, the story would then retroactively create canon for what happened for the last hour, and Shiloh would remember it as though it were continuous history. anything before that hour never happened. but if jessie then asked them about how their day had been up to that point, it would be forced to write canon for the entire day. and so on. you could force it to make something up about the entirety of the timeline between those points, but it won't do it unless it was predetermined ahead of time, or it's forced to by authorial attention. When your eyes move, they often do so in rapid, jerking motions called saccades. your brain can't process what happened in between these movements. it makes shit up about what was the most likely instead. this is most evident in that when you look at a clock, the first second takes longer to tick than the subsequent seconds -- your brain made up how long it thinks a second is. it made up what happens in the interim between the two points where it's taking in visual information, but you see it as continuous consciousness experiencing a continuous reality. that's what happens in the canon of the story itself.

[itwasthereaminuteago]

Hi! I love your writing so much, you've written my fav smut of all time (I've re-read 'In dreams' sooo many times) So I've thought of this little scene and thought maybe this will inspire you to write something...

(I'm not a writer and I'm horrible with words so this probably is shit, but yeah...)

'"I love you so so much, you have no idea" Frank says while kissing your neck "Show me" you respond' and then smut (but in a loving way?)

Thank you ❣️

Hi Dear Nonny, I already thanked you for this message a while back, it absolutely made my day when i was feeling shitty and I want to say thank you again, and also apologise for this taking so long!

Frank Castle x Female Reader

Tags/Warnings: some fluffy sexy love, lots of praise, unprotected sex, Frank being so damn fine.

If you enojy my writing please share/reblog!

|| Show & Tell ||

When Frank first realised how he felt about you it hadn't come to him in some grand spectacle of a moment, not even at a time when your lives had been threatened (which had been par for the course living in Hell's Kitchen). It simply happened on a chilly spring morning when he saw you sitting on the couch engrossed in reading a book. You had a blanket pulled up around you, one of the cups of coffee you'd made for the two of you cradled in your hand as your eyes scanned over the pages.

Your presence had made his apartment a home, something that had happened so gradually and naturally that he hadn't really noticed the change at all, and he figured that was because it all just felt right. Things were the way they were meant to be.

He watched your lips quirk up at whatever it was you were reading, some escapist fantasy novel probably. You loved that shit. 

You shifted your position and as you did, caught the way Frank was just standing there looking at you. “What's up big guy?” You ask.

“Just thinkin'.” He replies, sitting down next to you. 

You close your book and set down your cup on the table in front of you, turning to face him.

“Oh?” you say, waiting to hear him with interest.

Frank knew he wasn't going to wrap up this in anything fancy, that just wasn't his style. He was just gonna go ahead and say it.

His warm brown eyes trace over your features as he lifts his hand to the side of your face to stroke your skin, his gaze finally resting when he meets yours.

“I love you.”

Your smile almost splits your face. It's so big and beaming and he instantly mirrors it.

“I love you too, Frank.” you respond, leaning forward to tilt your head up and kiss him softly. He chases your mouth, brushing his own lips up against yours, gently encouraging you to open slightly as he kisses you again and you gladly let him. He tastes the coffee on your tongue when he meets it with his, and when you break apart his hand is still cradling your jaw, his fingertips light on your neck and you already see the deep fire set in his expression as he looks at you.

“You don't get it baby,” he's telling you, your body coming alight with the warmth of his attention. “I love you, so, so much.” 

You hum, closing your eyes as he closes the distance between you again, teasing a light lick against your tongue before his mouth roams over the skin of your jaw, his lips kissing and caressing the side of your neck below your ear as he whispers low, sending anticipatory little shivers running up and down your spine. 

“... You've got no idea how much.”

You tilt your head back in surrender, you can feel the passion imprinted in his words and you just know there's plenty more to come. So you open the door wide.

“Show me.” 

He always shows you in other less physical ways of course. Texting you the sweetest messages when you're at work or he's away for a couple of nights. Picking up your favourite sweet treats from that artisanal bakery he saw you making googly eyes at when you both walked past it one day. Or even switching his usual brand of coffee when you first moved in because of the hilarious face you made when he once gave you a cup of the stuff he had before.

But right now you barely have time to take a full breath before he's scooping you right up and sitting you down on his lap. With one large hand planted firmly on your thigh and the other curled around the back of your neck he brings you closer, your foreheads touching as you meld with each other. His kisses are teasingly short and shallow at first, like he's tasting you for the very first time. But with each one the tension grows even more electric between you, vibrating like a plucked bass string as the kisses you share get longer, deeper, and messier as he starts unraveling you. His big warm hands skate up under your soft shirt, his fingers exploring your skin, rucking the fabric up and baring you to him until you raise your arms and rid yourself of it completely. Not wasting a moment, you're pressing yourself back against his body and mouth as soon as you are able to. His teeth graze over your lip and you moan softly as he tugs at it gently while he tilts his hips up and presses his tented crotch against you. You allow yourself a sly smirk, sliding your hands up the back of his head and furrowing your fingers through his thick, dark hair watching his eyes close in bliss for a few seconds as you scratch at his scalp. 

“Show me, Frank.” You repeat. Your composure is shredding with how easily he then wraps one arm around your waist and stands, walking you both to the bedroom where he lays you down on the edge before pulling off his own shirt from his muscled upper body as you watch with hungry fascination. Frank leans over, caging you, hands either side of your head on the bed as continues to lay kiss after tender kiss, slowly working his way down your body until he's eagerly mouthing at the round swell of your breasts, pushing each one up in turn with his hand until they're spilling from your bra cups, sucking and teasing at your pebbled nipples until you're shuddering from the sweet sensitivity.

He continues downward, humming with desire as the tip of his tongue trails down the centerline of your stomach until he reaches the band of your sweats. You hitch your legs up automatically when you feel him curl his fingers around the waistband and drags them and your panties down your thighs, his mouth right back on your skin as hungry as ever. He quickly rids you of them and your cosy socks, rising back up and lifting your foot and leg to make space for himself. You can't help giggling as he kisses his way back up from your ankle to the inside of your knee but your light laughter very quickly changes to softer moans when those lips work up and up the delicate skin of your inner thigh.

“Love you baby,” Frank keeps on confessing, pushing the words into you and you feel the weight of it washing over like a warm wave taking you under. “you want me to show you, huh sweet thing?” 

You hold that eager gaze of his long enough to sigh out a resounding yes before your eyes are rolling back as soon as he puts his mouth on your cunt. Your back is arching off the bed challenging his strength as he has to curl his arms around your legs to keep you right where he wants you. When the warm, wet tip of his tongue slides through to part the moist petals of your vulva, you feel and hear him groaning deeply right against your core and already you're panting and writhing from his intimate touch.

But as good as it feels that's not how you need him. It's so hard to want to make him move when every time he comes up for a breath he's growling praises of just how perfect you taste under his tongue. You're torn in two, fighting with the need to feel him everywhere in every way possible all at once, but you need him inside, as close as can be. The scratch of his scruff against your skin combined with the soft sensation of his lips and tongue massaging your clit has you whining out a plea.

“Frank, Frankie please-” 

He looks up, still softly licking and kissing your dripping pussy between his words.

“Please what, princess? What do you need?” 

He climbs slowly up towards your face, urged on by your grasping fingers first at his head, and then sliding down his abdomen and impatiently tugging his belt loose to help free him from his pants.

“You.” you say pointedly, slowly stroking his entire length through his boxers. He swears under his breath and you feel him throb at your touch.

“Mhm, a'right. You sure?” He would usually takes his time, gets you ready first, warm you up with his fingers but you can't wait, you want to feel him now.

“Frank, please!” 

He's quick to obey and remove the rest of his clothes while you unclasp your bra, throwing it aside. When he moves himself over you you're already hooking your legs around his waist and pulling his hips down towards your own, his sensitive cock dragging firmly against the skin of your stomach and you revel in the desperate groan he makes at the contact.

You reach down between your bodies and wrap your fingers around his thick shaft, watching as you easily coax a few drops of precum from his tip, smearing it around the head with your thumb causing him to curse again.

“Christ, okay sweetheart, you ready?”

“Yes, fuck, yes! Please just-”

He draws back a little way, gently pushing your thighs open wider before taking himself in hand. He locks eyes with you, slowly sliding the tip of his cock back and forth along the length of your slick folds.

“Youre so fuckin’ beautiful.” he says as you trace your fingers down the side of his face, your thumb pulling down on his lower lip as you bite your own between your teeth as he nudges his way to your entrance. His forehead rests against yours as he takes his time, sinking into your velvet heaven with parted lips and a shared soft sigh.

“Mm, that's it. Nice n’ slow, yeah that's it baby.”

You want to cry, but it's not with pain. There's barely any pain, just the perfect stretch. You wanted this, wanted to feel every single inch of him as he fills you, want to feel the way he trembles above you as he savours it with you. He kisses you again, slow, taking his sweet time to explore your mouth, push those addictive little whimpers from your plush lips.

“Feel so damn good sweetheart, love you so fucking much…”

When he's all the way to the hilt he stills, giving you all the time you need to adjust. Every little movement he makes is bliss. You wrap yourself around him, your lips brushing against the shell of his ear as you tell him again that you love him back and he can't ever hear it enough. He begins to move, making love to you so tenderly, one hand bracing his weight on the bed and the other caressing your jaw and splaying around your throat as your lips meet and he kisses you deeply, tongue moving in tandem with his cock inside you. Frank wasn't sure if he could let himself love again, allow himself to be this open and unguarded, but you make it easier than he could have imagined. He never takes his eyes from you as he makes it clear just how much you mean to him, driving you crazy every time he opens his mouth to speak.

“You don't know what you do t’me,” he confesses, rolling his hips up and filling you so completely. You can only respond with a wavering gasp, clasping your thighs more tightly around his waist as you flow so perfectly together.

“goddamn girl, you don't know what y’do…”

You were certain you had a pretty good idea but you adored it when Frank was so verbal like this. He'd shower you with so many sweet praises, and sometimes get so worked up he'd run his mouth almost non-stop with filthy promises that he would always keep.

When Frank makes love, he makes love. When he hits that rhythm and angle just right he has you whining with pleasure and emotion with every one of his deep thrusts. 

“Fuck, there it is baby- such a good girl f'me… shit, wanna do this all day, you want that sweetheart? Just want to make you feel so fucking good honey, give you fuckin' everythin’-”

He cuts off with a deep groan as you tilt your head to suck his thumb between your lips, your tongue caressing and swirling around the tip. He watches intently, never ceasing the movement of his hips, groaning as you take the digit deeper while your big blown out pupils gaze up at him. 

“Attagirl, fuckin' attagirl,” he growls gently, twitching inside of you because of how much he's turned on, never ceasing to be amazed by how fucking sexy you are.

When he withdraws his thumb you chase it, a thin string of saliva connecting as he leads your mouth to his again, delving deep and lapping your tongues together. Your bodies slide and intertwine, you're sharing every single sensation with electric intensity, every clipped and hushed breath, pushing each other closer and closer to an ephemeral state of euphoria. When he bends to kiss your chest and he takes your nipple into his mouth you hum as the layers of pleasure build. He cups and paws at your breasts, lavishing them with such attention that you know what's coming next.

“Sweetheart, you wanna go on top? God you know I love it when you do your thing, please baby, I'm beggin’ you.”

You grin and nod. “Yeah, of course I want to. Let me ride you Frankie.” 

Frank easily rolls you both over so that you're now straddling him, your hands placed on his broad pecs as you steady yourself before you begin to move. You know that he loves when you're in control, moving above him like a goddess, and he treats you just like one worshiping every inch of you with his hands and mouth. He loves the way you move your hips, loves when you guide his fingers down to the crux of your thighs and take exactly what you need. He loves when you lose yourself in the sensation, giving yourself the permission you don't even need you to let go, to just use him. There's always such fierce focus in his eyes when you make love like this. He watches for the signs of the pleasure you feel blooming throughout your body like an unfurling flower, devotedly tending to your needs even before you know what they might be. 

His hands settle on your hips as you move them, almost to try to ground himself as the sight of your gorgeous tits bouncing and your own hands fondling them as you rise and fall on his cock is driving him precariously close to the edge.

“Goddamn that's good baby, that’s it. Feelin’ real nice huh?” Frank continues to fill your head with his sweet praise as you feel yourself getting closer.  “Oh yeah, there you go, like that, hm?”

You can only mewl in answer when he starts steadily thrusting his hips up hitting you at a deeper angle, your wetness gathering at the base of his dick and dripping over his ball sac each time he pushes home into your cunt. He brings his thumb to your swollen, needy bud of nerves again, spreading more of your slick arousal over and over, rubbing your aching clit till your walls start to pulse around him.

“Yeah, yeah, jus’ like that princess, that what you need? Can feel you baby, you're doin' so good f’me.”

You can feel it too, building so quickly you almost don't want the feeling to end. “I'm so close-" you moan, "I wanna feel you come inside me, Frank!”

You're an absolute fucking angel he surely doesn't deserve. He grits his teeth, never losing his rhythm despite being extremely close to the edge too. 

“M’right there with you darlin’, just keep those beautiful eyes on me.”

He watches your mouth open, your breathy moans quickly increasing in volume and frequency as you ride him. He tightly circles your clit faster, his dark gaze intensifying the very moment your orgasm sears through you, making you cry out as bursts of ecstasy come in bone-deep waves throughout your body. Frank doesn't stop, groaning loud and low in response when he unleashes, pumping his hips as he comes hot and hard, deep inside of you. He pulls you down close, wrapping his arms around you, repeating those three words, I love you, over and over as he slows down, gently fucking you through your high. 

When the two of you eventually still, you remain wrapped in each other. You can feel the powerful beat of his heart start to slow along with your own thumping strongly against your chest. His fingers idly stroke back and forth over the skin of your arm as your breathing returns back to normal.

“Mm Frank,” you murmur, so very satisfied you feel as if you could be glowing. Tilting your head up, you kiss him again. “You sure as hell showed me.”

He chuckles warmly, shaking you gently with his quiet laughter. 

“That was what you meant when you said ‘show me’, right?” He asks, and you smile back at him when you see that grin on his mouth. “Or maybe I shoulda left you alone with your book, huh?” he adds. “You looked pretty into it.”

You sit up, smoothing your hands over his chest as you start giggling. “There is no way in hell that was ever gonna happen, mister, not once you get something in your head. I know you…” you tell him confidently and the corners of Frank's eyes crease at that, you're not wrong.

“That you most definitely do, sweetheart.” He rolls you onto your side, carefully pulling out before pulling the covers up over you to stop you catching a chill.

“How about I run us a bath, sweet girl?" Frank proposes. "I wanna lay with you for a while. Does that sound good?”

“Mm, that sounds like heaven.” You nudge closer, taking his face in your hands to kiss him on the crooked bridge of his nose. “And I love you too.”

[bleedchan]

i don’t get how he can be doing okay in the slightest. i don’t get how it could possibly be so much better, whatever he feels he has now from replacing his also only and closest friend with… giving more therapy to his mom instead, and going outside more and stuff, and cutting me out of his life.

i mean, i’ve fucked up in ways i didn’t know i had to change that i genuinely feel like are absolutely changeable. i’ve been miserable and bitchy a lot.

but like… people can change, quickly. i quit cigarettes because of him cold turkey, and only picked them up again years and years later, because even though we weren’t dating anymore i was super worried about his surgery recovery, and he wasn’t around a lot…

and tons of times i’ve thought i don’t actually like boys, for years and years, and then fall head over heels and get my heart broken and stuff! tons of times i’ll think i hate some genre of thing and actually like it so much it’s basically my personality! i can pick up sayings and traits naturally from people i like! it’s not fake, i’m not fake to my core T^T i’m obviously really malleable, in certain situations, and when determined enough.

like… i bitch a lot about trans people (i am trans) and men a lot (shitty dad; i’ve tried to date many awful guys; sa victim etc) and like, totally work myself into a snit a lot and use it as an excuse to be a piece of shit, because i’m actually just lonely and desperate for attention or to talk about something embarrassing, and i feel humiliated about the whole thing.

i do this Everything Ever Sucks bit like almost compulsively in response to that feeling. i also have a tendency to split and put stuff into categories, but i’d thought i’d gotten a lot better at it than i used to be… like, i get that it’s totally maladaptive and stuff, but…

i mean, if anything could make me realize i’ve been bitching about men too much, clearly it would be an event like this going on for more than a week, right..? surely if anything would prompt my unhealthily obsessively analytical thoughts and introspectiveness and tendency to pick myself apart, it’d be a weeks long ever-worsening terror response..?

how could anyone say that’s superficial or whatever, either?? i have such an unclear sense of my identity, and am so malleable that i just sort of become Whatever to some extent, but like. that is me.

when i enjoyed whatever slashfic in the past, it’s not like i just lost that. i just have the emotional control ability of like a teenager, and i feel like i’d been generally a lot better about it… but i’ve just been feeling really lonely (lol, and i thought i was lonely then!)

like, i was definitely kind of being a bitch, but i didn’t think it was at this point. for me, having my best and closest friend not like the stupid niche bullshit i like shouldn’t be friendship ending, and i should have been less bitter and self-hating in an aoe outwardly-hateful way. this is obviously a minor thing i can genuinely change, when i know it’s actually this bad, right? i don’t Need to be like this, and change is insanely easy for me when i care enough about it. i don’t know if anyone could argue that one just Cannot change things like this quickly after experiencing a week in my body, with all the same emotional systems and stuff. as if people just can’t have changes of heart and be less of assholes about things. idk

i guess things between us had been sort of distant, but i thought it had been looking up before all this… i asked him a few times what i could do or buy for his birthday and he just said not to over and over, but… we’d played a couple video games for the first time in a long time, and we were talking about doing vtuber stuff up until this thing that happened all of a sudden.

i started posting drawings for the first time in a long time and was manic and way too stoned for like, a week or two, and kind of barely around to talk to, and then… i was kind of a jackass to him when he came back from his trip, but i was really just terrified he seemed completely different and like he doesn’t like me anymore, which is maybe the case.

i mean, i definitely fucked up a lot. i didn’t know that not controlling my bitching better, and being kind of selfish and stupid for a while, and the cumulative effects of me sucking due to not stopping myself more from being a dumb needy baby would result in me ruining my own life like this, but…

to only find this out secondhand via my mom (because i’m too toxic to reply to, i guess) is just… well i guess it’s all been pretty fucking cold and brutal! if he intentionally had some sort of scheme to make me kill myself, it’d maybe look like this. like, i’m not saying that’s the case, just, this has been horrific for me, and i’m really not sure i see a light at the end of the tunnel… >___<;;

and like whatever stimulus would make someone rapidly change, this would be it!!! i feel like i’m looking down into a great yawning chasm that i’m slipping into, and when i try to reach for his hand he’s straight up boredly walked away at this point. i’m not just saying shit out of desperation either, all my thought processes have been going at 500% as i obsessively pick apart where i fucked up and how i would be different, genuinely, in a heartfelt enough way to be normal and have it mean something, idk

i just can’t listen to Any music anymore, because it all contextually reminds me of the time before he did shrooms and decided to ghost me forever. i cannot watch videos or sleep (i managed 5 hours last night finally, scattershot—mostly blacking out, really!) because in the moments i start to relax enough to start falling asleep, in the moments of silence or when the person in the video is speaking too slowly or whatever, the ptsd terror kicks in hard and i like. can’t be in my room all of a sudden. i just feel like i Have to go out into the night and vanish like my old cat did or something, when she went. i haven’t eaten anything in at least two days. i feel so sick all the time, and it’s only getting worse and quickly, haha…

i just don’t understand, like… how can he possibly be okay, too..? he said to my mom something like he didn’t want to be there for me like a therapist and be so… relied on, and stuff, but when we were on call his mom would bust in to gossip about his dad and offload anxiety and get free therapy like, every 10 minutes, way fucking worse than i ever do…

there’s No way his mom is less transphobic lol (she can’t even get his pronouns right consistently, still…) or more accepting of his interests, either, or… that he’s found new friends he can confide in or have any rapport with or laugh at the same jokes with, in any degree comparable to the sudden massive hole that an 11 year friendship this close going missing should cause.

i’m trying not to get too suspicious, but his mom would be over the fucking moon about this whole thing… she’d totally be all grima wormtongue as soon as there’s an opening, too, and be as manipulative as possible during or immediately after a trip. somehow all the stuff i’ve been told sounds really aligned with his mom’s personal interests. maybe he just came to all these conclusions himself though, and his mom is just encouraging it, while i’m wailing and sobbing and stuff.

like, is he just going to keep going outside, like that’s going to replace everything..? if he ever listens to windhand, or plays path of exile or anything, he’ll… just be able to do that, even though i introduced him to those things and we played them together so much..? is he going to not feel sad about it because of me, or just… annoyed enough to feel over everything..?

that’s unimaginable to me… but i guess he just… really doesn’t like me all of a sudden. maybe he’ll just feel kind of… annoyed, and decide to like new things, and jettison his entire old set of things he likes and cares about, as if you can just… do that. i dunno.

even going outside doesn’t help, because i’ve done that the most when he’s visited here, so all the features make me think of him. being in my room makes me think of him. i don’t have anywhere i can go—even online, to tell anyone who will read it and care, that i want to kill myself

i really want to kill myself. it feels like an inevitability of trying to live as long as i can with this hole in me until that happens. i don’t know how to say that without sounding manipulative or reactionary or anything, i just… feel insanely empty, and allergic to my own life. i want to say i don’t know how i could be so awful as to deserve this, but i guess deep down i know i deserve it.

i’m miserable all the time and don’t have any friends or anything who i’m that close to, other than my best friend, and he’s gone, and not only that, but i was ruining his life—in such a profound way that even if i really genuinely feel i’ve changed then it still doesn’t count. i’m so toxic i can’t even be talked to a couple times a week, or ever again, even if i promise to be arm’s length and as genuinely different as imaginable… People Clearly Cannot Change Overnight, nor after weeks of agony and constant increasing illness and obsessively trying to figure out how to Actually suck less! and yes, i realize how crazy and obsessive i sound.

to be cut off so suddenly from your closest and only friend, of over a decade… like, he won’t even let me apologize and let me know he read my apology, haha… to know i’m not deserving of the slightest sympathy, and that i shouldn’t even be allowed to explain anything or admit fault… the pain is just multiplying day by day. another week feels like it’s going to kill me

i genuinely can’t live with the idea of having caused the person to whom i was closest to feel like this. i want to blame anything else—his mom, drugs, him, but i know the problem is really me. anything else was just a crucible and all my bullshit i did blew up and destroyed almost all of me. i don’t know if i’ll make it a week, or a year, or even if i make it to five years—what in my life could replace this 11 year wound, by then?

i don’t even have anybody to vc with. i can imagine having that if i could live another few years and really pretended my hardest not to be broken by this, but the nauseating shallowness of that and aching empty loneliness of this that only gets worse and worse will kill me then, too.

i was starting to draw a little bit, but now everything is just getting worse and worse and worse on a direct trajectory—the past few days i can’t even sleep until i’m passing out from exhaustion, because i have this ptsd terror drive of sickening intensity to just, run or drive into the night and disappear—or to, now that i’ve lost my closest friend, and when everyone else is also at their most bored and annoyed by me, just… disappear, and not even be noticed missing by anyone for days and days and days, and turn up months later as unrecognizable remains with no id 300 miles away somewhere else

[the-dalseum-duet]

satis writes something wholesome for once?

with references to a much less wholesome unfinished piece whatever. just for context decided to throw in that Kai got a job as a bartender at the midnight gentlemen’s club while adam worked there and they would play up having a relationship with each other bc it stirred controversy and got them more monayyy. led to very conflicting feelings there. that’s it

this isn’t edited very well btw @svwhssftr

“No, really, I’m fine. I appreciate your offer, but she doesn't live anywhere near my new apartment. I love Eden Grove, but it’s not for me. I need action.” 

Adam paused and slid down the handle of his suitcase, adjusting his phone to his ear. “Yes, you and Crow can visit anytime you want. It’s a beautiful city.” 

He sharply gasped, nearly dropping his phone. “Charlie, why the hell didn’t you start with that? Oh my God, I’ll fly there as soon as I can! Who else have you told?”

He awkwardly smiled at the passerby in his terminal glaring at him and blocked his phone with his hand. “I’m so sorry, my sister just got engaged. I can’t contain myself.”

“Once I think about it, you wouldn't have any friends to tell. Hm. But that’s all going to change now that you’re home! You have so many incredible things waiting for you now.”

Adam rolled his eyes and sighed. “No, there’s nothing between us. Sonnet isn’t anywhere near stable enough to have a relationship yet, and I don’t think I could date them again in good conscience. Cambodia was absolutely beautiful, though. The temples were— oh, shit, I think we’re about to board. That’s so exciting for you! Send me a picture of an invitation. I want to know what I’m getting myself into before I buy another damn plane ticket.” 

He retrieved his suitcase and rolled his shoulders, preparing himself for the hours of flight he had ahead of him. “I love you, too. Tell Crow for me. Yeah, I’ll see you soon.” 

Never beating the brainrot allegations bruh I don’t have the attention span to write about adam and his fuckin plane ticket… nobody cares. We have all been through that before. We get the idea. Let’s just get to what i wanted to write for the sake of my mental health

“All clear,” a voice behind him stated into his radio, adjusting the cuff of his sleeve before he briskly cut through the line of passengers.

“Oh my God,” Adam said–unintentionally out loud–once he recognized the stripes of black and white hair and admittedly diminutive stature. Of course, the man happened to turn around as soon as he opened his mouth. He cockily smiled for a split second before his face returned to his natural nonchalant expression. 

“Belle,” was all Kai said, half-nodding to acknowledge his presence. 

“This is wild,” Adam said. “I knew you worked as a pilot back in Dalseum, but I had no clue you’re still doing it. Hell, I haven’t talked to you since–”

“Noeul died,” they harmonized. 

“Yeah, I wanted to get out of that shithole as soon as I could. Sara’s a bitch, but thank God for her policies,” Kai said.

“Oh, speaking of Sara, Charlie just called me. They just got engaged.”

Kai’s eyes briefly widened. “Sara and Charlie?”

“Yeah, they’re getting married this summer.”

“Damn. Good for them, I guess.”

“I know you don’t care. I just needed to tell someone who knows them. Charlie’s been through so much, you know? She deserves this.”

“Yeah,” Kai monotonously replied. “Is Blaire moving back to Dalseum?”

“Oh, absolutely not. Sara’s moving to Eden Grove after her stand-in term is over.”

“Then who’s going to be in charge of Dalseum?”

“Marie and a few of the biggest Cocktail donors. Maybe Crow, once he gets older. He’s still deciding what he wants to do.”

“Do not let another Sang in any government position,” Kai sighed.

“I don’t know. He’s a lot more empathetic than he lets on.”

“He’s the reason the fuckin’ Court dissociated. He’s done enough.”

“The Court needed to die. None of them knew what they were doing except for Sara.”

“Yeah. Personally, they should just nuke the whole damn island and call it a day.”

“That would solve a lot of their issues,” Adam awkwardly replied, fidgeting with the strings of his hoodie. 

“So, where are you off to?”

“Back to my hometown in California to live with an old friend. It’s a few miles away from LA.”

“What’s going to happen to The Orchard?”

“Sold it. Sara’s administration is preserving it as a historical landmark.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah! It’s kind of surreal that the place I used to struggle to maintain is considered crucial to Dalseum history.”

“That’s fuckin’ wild.”

“They’re putting plaques all around the Palace and Lovesong about all that happened– it was Marie’s idea. She’s trying to make sure another Sang administration wipeout never happens again.”

“Marie’s always been a smart girl. Never lets anything go.”

“Except for her arm, I guess.”

Kai sharply laughed. Adam jumped.

“I wasn’t expecting you to say that,” Kai hummed. “Oh, I needed that this morning.”

“Are you good?”

“Just tired. Actually working after years of fucking around with some rich slut is not as fun as I expected.”

“Yeah. Welcome to the real world, Shirogane.”

“But it’s a lot more rewarding.”

“Absolutely.”

“You planning on still doing your whole burlesque schtick?”

“Oh, God, no, I’m too old for that now,” Adam laughed. “I’m going to try to get my cosmetology license and go from there.”

“Oh, that’ll be good for you.”

“It’s kind of crazy to think I’ve known you since I was barely legally dancing at clubs. It was a fight to get that position at Midnight when I was kicked off the Council, and now here I am— barely able to bend over without feeling it for the next week.” 

“Yeah. Wild. I didn’t think you were that much older than me, though. Did I miss something?”

“I know forty-two isn’t ridiculously old, but—“

“Damn. We really are in our forties.”

“I choose not to think about it.”

“That shouldn’t be right. I feel like just last week we were fucking around in the backseat of Noeul’s car.” 

“You look great, by the way. You haven’t aged since you’ve worked at Midnight.”

“No, I definitely have. His death fucked up everything. I aged ten years in two weeks, it felt like.”

“Did you? Or did you suddenly not worry about looking perfect anymore?”

Kai paused. “Maybe that was it.” 

“Then again, I think Noeul’s death made everyone realize all the time they wasted waiting for him to come around.” 

“Some people never change,” Kai whispered, brushing the button on his sleeve. 

“It was good to see you again. I know it was weird between us as kids, but I think we’ve both matured since then.”

“I don’t know about that,” Kai laughed. 

“You opened the Palace windows for us during the coronation. Clearly, you had some change of heart between then and now.”

Kai wasn’t processing a word he spoke. “Yeah, you realize a lot when you spend most of your time with the Council.” 

“You certainly do.”

“It’s funny. I barely recognized you without any bold makeup or high heels. You’re one to talk about not looking your age.”

“You’re right about some people never changing,” Adam sneered. “You’ve almost mastered flattery.” 

“I mean it. Maybe all that glitter and contour naturally makes you look older, though.”

“Yeah, back in the Wasteland, sweatpants and my blank face wouldn’t have made me any money.” 

“Your freckles never faded.”

“No, they didn’t,” Adam responded, admittedly caught off-guard. 

“I always thought you painted them back on after you grew out of them. I didn’t think freckles stuck around very long.”

“I’ve always had them.”

“Don’t cover them.”

“Oh.” Adam cleared his throat. “I wasn’t planning on it.” 

Kai checked his watch. “Well, I’m off to another day in paradise. Have fun once you reach LA, Belle.”

“I’ll do what I can.” Adam timidly smiled as Kai picked up his overzealous strut and disappeared into the boarding area. He briefly checked his phone to be met with a chain of messages from Crow. 

“hey. 

u need to learn the violin parts for this

idk when you last played but i heard u did

charlie will sob please it’ll be worth it

in a good way

at her wedding not just making her cry for fun

file attachment— new discovery chords violin.png”

Adam pocketed his phone before retrieving his fuzzy leopard-printed neck pillow from his carry-on bag and boarded the plane, routinely storing his luggage and finding his seat. 

Maybe it was the warm summer air, maybe it was the low lights of the plane, or maybe it was the promise of returning to safety that soothed the endless anxious ache in his chest. It was, without a doubt, Kai’s monotone, unintelligible voice over the plane intercom that lured him to sleep mere minutes after the flight had taken off. 

When he awoke a few hours later, he assumed the bag of pretzels and a plastic cup of Sprite would be the best surprise waiting for him. He returned his pillow to the bag beside his feet before catching a glimpse of smudged blue ink on his napkin. Upon closer inspection, it read:

“Some parts of people change, but others never will. I’ve known you were gorgeous since the first night I met you. You can’t change that. But I hope you can change your mind and give me a second chance… since we’ve both ‘matured.’

###-###-####

-Kai Shirogane.”

His signature was sprawling and elegant but rushed and unstable. It came alongside one of those gimmicky fake pilot pins—some cheesy token of affection. Adam snapped awake and flicked the lid off a pen in his bag. He pressed it to a napkin, then paused. 

Was he in the right state of mind to respond to this? Was he chasing his glory days? Should he move on from Dalseum as a whole? Was it worth it? Was he worth it? Was his achingly human laugh and heart-stopping stare worth it? Was the awestruck boy who once made out with him while on top of the bar at a gentlemen’s club worth it? Was the only client who made him feel something worth it?

Adam had nothing to lose. 

“I’ve always admired your boldness. It annoyed me for years, but hey—people can change.

Persistence pays off, Shirogane. Well-played. 

###-###-####

-Adam ‘Valentine’ Belle”

He neatly folded the napkin and tucked it into the pocket of his bag. The handful of corny rom-coms he chose to watch during the last hours of his flight fueled his delusions more than they should have, but hey. He had nothing left to lose. 

The hours he spent convincing himself he wasn’t acting ridiculous at his grown-ass age paid off in a matter of seconds. 

His suitcase handle clicked. 

His eyes met Kai’s. Kai glanced back to the doorway. 

Adam stretched out his hand. Kai cautiously took the napkin, eyebrows furrowed. 

Adam turned back away, carefully stepping off the plane. He couldn’t help but glance back, but Kai was nowhere to be seen. 

There was, however, the unmistakable ringing of his high, affectionately witchy laugh. 

Adam’s phone buzzed, its vibration within his bag echoing against his waist. He chose not to check it yet. Some things never changed—and Adam would never be easy for Kai to win over.

[the-ace-with-spades]

A bit of a rant because lately I feel like crap whenever I talk to my sibling and need to let it out without burdening my partner who is already burdened with a shit load of his and my problems

My sib is significantly younger than me and definitely is and always was my dad's fav kid (despite them being an unplanned kid and me being the one they tried for for years...) and has always had double standards implemented. They could talk back, argue, throw tantrums, had every single thing they wanted bought without hidden requirements that they had to meet in order to not have that thing taken away, my parents actually bought them meaningful gifts that they wanted for holidays while for me they never tried and then just bought me stuff that made their life easier. I begged my mum to go to a therapist when I was young, self-harming and suicidal and she never took me, I mentioned this one for my sib because they were too shy to do it and they're seeing a therapist within two weeks.

I was normal weight and had been called fat frequently by my dad, my sib has been overweight for years and not even one comment (which shouldn't be commented on in general, but especially with kids, but again, double standards). My dad would say something awful to me and I'd cry and he'd call me crybaby and ask why I'm crying when I brought it on myself, my sib cries and he starts cooing at them and soothes out the situation (he still never apologises but I don't think he'll ever apologise to anyone). I had been mentally drained by school so many times and my mum would still make me go and I'd instead skip school but my sib will tell her they don't want to go that day and they won't. I wanted to study architecture at some point, I was good and math and physics and technical drawings and when I asked my dad to use his connection in the industry to get me into technical drawing school run by his work acquaintance, he told me I'm too stupid to become an architect and implied I'd embarrass him - my sib doesn't even like math or physics and has worse grades than me and doesn't even fully realize what architects do and they mentioned it once and now he's bending backwards to get them the classes and top notch supplies without prompting. There's so many things that I asked my dad for support and attention and was never given and my sib is now asking for the same and is given them without second thought.

My mum keeps saying I was her favourite kid (daughter, because she still calls me her daughter...) but I think she just liked me around because I took my dad's bad attention and he'd take it out on me and not her, and because I'd help with house chores as the only person in the house, so we'd split them half-half between us when I was in high school. I think she just misses that, not actually loved me, because my sib never gets bad attention and never does any housework outside of their bedroom.

With my parents I always felt like a failed trial kid but with my sib I was always the older sibling and I always tried to put away the bitterness to have a good relationship with them. I've mentioned a lot of material things here but that's mostly because our parents don't really provide any other love than material things and sometimes quality time to my sib (I've tried to get the same, but my mum was always too tired and my dad didn't like spending time with me if I wasn't perfect at the activity, which is always). I tried to lead by example like I've always been told to by our parents.

Lately, I just feel like they've been becoming so cruel. My sib says all those things about how they're tolerant and empathetic because they're queer and have mental health problems but also they're so not understanding of other people's situations and so mean whenever they can't understand things. They look down at struggling people or people who are still figuring life with no support from others (they talk so much shit about their classmates that are less fortunate...) and spew so much hate and just brush it off when I point it out. Sometimes things they say can be about me - I did drop put of uni before starting my nursing apprenticeship and I'm in a field that isnt the most profitable, which they somehow started to associate with life failure. They've been so disinterested in our meetings too, they only want to talk about themselves and we won't even meet if they don't have something new to tell me. I know they're a teenager and bound to have some rough patch but they're almost an adult as well - they don't want to hear reasons why what something they do is not nice and don't want to actually change any part of their bad attitude, it seems.

And last time we talked, it just hurt so bad for some reason. Our parents started arguing about something loudly (but not loudly enough for my sib to know what about) in the house and they just accused me of causing them to fight (which, our parents argue so much and always were, they're just too young to remember the times when they didn't know how to keep it on the down low)

I'm coming back to have my top surgery in Poland but no one but my sib and my nan knows - no one else really accepted me when I came out so I didn't bother telling anyone, I won't be seeing anyone but my nan anyway. And my sibling accused me of causing our parents to fight because I told them about me having top surgery and them arguing about it and about me being trans. And like, even if this was the reason they argue, it's not my fault and I'm the one causing those fights - they're the one fighting about something, they're the one not accepting it.

And when I told my sib that, they just brushed it off and told me they always fight because of me.

And that's not helping me not feel like a failure and the most unwanted family member. Even when I'm no contact/low contact with my parents, I'm somehow blamed for their behaviour, even by my sibling too, now.

It just makes me feel like shit

[monorayjak]

Lost Caverns of Ixalan Thoughts

Ok, so, I just finished reading through the Lost Caverns of Ixalan Story plus the side story that's been released. I just wanted to share some thoughts. (Spoilers ahead)

All in all, an interesting story, with lasting repercussions for both the plane and those who were a part of the story. But, the set leaves a lot more questions than answers, and seems to have added some things just because they could; looking at you Leonin - they were literally in the story for like 10 minutes and then promptly forgotten about.

The story of Kellan continues as a small piece of this plot, and I enjoy that it was woven in without him becoming a key player. He was just passing through and got pulled in, he wasn't a deus ex machina or a big part of the ending, he was just there. Really enjoyed the idea of Kellan building a rag-tag multiversal adventuring party throughout his travels, seems like it would be fun, IF they don't just make it him and Amalia. Because if they leave it as just them its just going to turn into a love story, and I'm fine with a love story, but it just feels shoe-horned in if that's the only reason.

Quint's search for the "Coin Empire" seems interesting, but also seems to come out of absolutely no where, like… last we saw of him his spark ignited. When and when did he learn about this empire? What seems so special about it? How is he so sure it connects across planes? How the hell did they travel across planes in the distant past? How did they end up where they did? What caught his attention about them? It just feels out of nowhere, and it would be fine if they had made him have the revelation of "Holy shit, these things are exactly the same as another site I was working on… could it be some kind of multiversal empire??" but no, they have him already fully aware of it out of nowhere. It could have been better implemented I guess.

Also, what the hell was with the descriptions of "long necks" just being there??? Are they talking about fucking Giraffes? Why do they never mention them in more detail than "fuzzy, strange looking, long-necked creatures??" Why??? Where they trying to hide something??? What was the importance of it?? Are they trying to say BATS somehow have really long necks?? But it couldn't be that because people call the bats, well, bats! Just… what???????

Liked the political intrigue we got from every side:

Vampires having a kind of Reformation level split in the church/government

The sun empire being ruled by a literal 4-year old (ADVENTURE!!!!!!!!!!!) who is being manipulated by two relatives

Huatli working to start a coup

Huatli, Elenda, and Admiral/Governor Brass working together to form a powerful enough force to stop another war

Saheeli being sent in Huatli's place and the fact she is from another world is used in the story by having her keep notes in her home-worlds language, with her also being the voice of reason to everyone without even thinking about it

Enjoyed the fact that Huatli is becoming a tired veteran after the race for Orazca, the War of the Spark, and the phyrexian invasion, and now just wanting a peaceful life with no more needless death.

Enjoyed the moments of Saheeli and Huatli being together, even we don't get many and I'm still not a fan they were desparked.

I found some bits of writing a bit lazy, notably:

These lines are both in the same section about 3 paragraphs apart. There is no break between in the form of a viewpoint switch or anything. There was no reason to have this repetition beyond wanting to compare his use of it to something else and being too lazy to think up another one.

This joke just falls flat. I understand Malcolm has talked like this the entire story, but it just feels so forced and atonal. And it isn't like they couldn't have good jokes in tense moments, for example:

A funny and natural exchange in a very tense moment.

To top off the final bit, I do need to gripe about my BIGGEST annoyance in this set specifically. The discrepancy between both the description and depiction of the "Cosmium Eaters" and the multiple depictions we get of them. Like, this is the description of the lead-up to the transformations

We have a mental image of a large bat god giving this power to Vito and his followers. Which is followed by this image.

Which is fine. Its a great image showing the beginning of the transformation. The transformation, which is described as:

Ok, so they've turned into man-bat like creatures. Cool, good. BUT, then we see this image in the next article, one where Huatli kills Vito.

That isn't a Man-Bat like person... that's Vito with bat wings. Ok, so maybe the transformation was exaggerated a bit in the story... except

No, it wasn't. So why the hell does Vito, as the first person to transform, look like his normal self but is written as if he's become some kind of horrifying monster, one which the characters mention they really only make out its him because he's holding the same staff as before. Why does no one else look like that? What do these people look like?????

Long story short, the story is a mixed bag I think.

[sometimesiammybpd]

tw / / mentions of suicidal thoughts, self destruction, self harm

i have tried to use tumblr so many times. i have tried to journal to any degree for so long and each time, i just end up dropping out before it ever gets started. and among the thousand other things i already hold against myself, it makes me more frustrated and upset. i don't know. i don't know if i can make it work this time or if it'll even make a difference for me, but i mean, it couldn't hurt. i also write cringe as shit so there's that.

hi. my name is hayley and i am 21 y/o. i am a transfem girl (MTF - very pretransition) and i was officially diagnosed this year with borderline personality disorder. i'll write a post later on more about myself that isn't focused on squarely on the bpd, but i have too many thoughts in my mind about this and i've felt like i can't speak about it. i consider myself to be a decent person, but a lot of my life has been defined by my bpd. even when i didn't know i had it or even considered it. it runs in my family and i knew there was always a chance. my mother is undiagnosed but has every single sign of it. my twin sisters both have it to different degrees of severity and then there's me. ever since i could first remember, i just . . . did not feel normal. not just in the trans way, although i definitely felt that in my own way. i always reacted dramatically to situations. the smallest things have always set me off and i do have memories from back when that i can see was me splitting at times then.

and i can't help but think about the teen who just turned thirteen and knew something was wrong, but had so little of an outlet to turn to that it only got worse and worse.

or when i bullied myself publically over discord between fifteen to seventeen that yeah, was for attention, but also was me literally not able to handle the way i felt about things and myself and just fucking everything at the time.

or when at eighteen, i got on grindr and put myself in an incredibly dangerous situation which led me to draining my car battery in a really bad neighborhood and almost freezing to death literally, all for sex that i never even got. that's a whole other story that i'll tell at some point. cause i don't talk about any of this stuff. i couldn't tell you if it was because i just am that stubborn or because i can't accept this is real. cause then it leads me to sit by myself and think about all the people i've hurt and the friendships i've destroyed because i couldn't control myself and everything was making me split . . . but that no one believed me because i wasn't diagnosed and so it seemed like i was trying to make fake excuses for shitty behavior. (side note: i was making excuses at the time, but i also did know something was wrong that was making this worse. i don't make excuses for it now, so let's make that clear real fast lmao.) the one that really hurt me was when i lost the person i loved after only a week of dating because of them making me split and them not being able to handle it.

point being, i think about how much of a difference it would have made at that point as well as how much i wish i didn't know now. i mean, i am glad to know. i am relieved to have an answer but it just makes me feel more broken at times. because all i hear in my head is that i'm faking it. and what's worse is the amount of suicidal thoughts and tendencies i feel on a daily basis. i don't know which specific bpd i have (like quiet bpd for instance) but sometimes i even wonder if i have it. because i don't have crying spells like a lot do. i don't split in the "typical" way. i get angry. so fucking angry. when things overwhelm me or overstim me or just i don't know, it turns to anger. i just get pissed off and start throwing things and kicking things and honestly acting like a toddler. and i don't know if it's bpd or not sometimes because what variant (is that the right term) would that even fit under??? and what's worse is trying to keep a stable job with unmedicated bpd. cause yeah, i can't afford medication.

i had an episode a couple days ago at work where every single thing went wrong one after another and it led me through the rage to crying to numbness all within a couple hours. i literally felt like i was so close to shutting down mentally. the big moment for me was when i couldn't take anymore and threw my phone across the room and then kicked the hell out of the office trashcan. the trash went everywhere and i just broke down crying. i wanted to kill myself so bad. if i was home, i don't know what i would have done. it was the lowest i've been in a while and that says something to me. all i could feel was suicidal thoughts; the feeling to just end it because it won't get any better. and i have severely cut myself before. i don't do it a lot but my arms do feel not normal to not have scars on them. like as if i deserve it because it's the least i could do after hurting as many people as i have. oh yeah, moving on? never heard of it /hj (and i wish i wasn't)

i don't know. all of this scares me, all of the time. my friends do their best to understand and help but half the time, i'm fighting myself not to cut them off. i am really really good at self-sabotage. i appreciate them so much because i am a bitter person. i am angry and upset every day and i will be honest that i don't see the good in the world anymore. and it makes me really difficult to deal with. that's what i appreciate the most about them. i'd die for all of them even if at times, i am wishing they'd fuck off and never be in my life again because i'd be better off alone.

the point of me making this blog by the way is for me, but it's also for anyone out there who may have bpd or has bpd. it's scary and not easy to live with. and if you don't know if you have it and you just feel so abnormal and broken and all that shit, i have been there. and i wanna help so people growing up at the age i was when this started happening for real can feel like they are able to find the answers instead of feeling hopeless for so long. cause i wouldn't wish those times on even my worst enemy. anyways, yeah.

[giransbunnywife]

I know I already rambled about Bunny and Chet’s ship but this is a bit more explanation of their dynamic and just random ramblings bc I literally can’t stop thinking about them. They’re like so good and fucking cute it’s not fair. But to give you a better idea of how shit goes between them (no official timeline bc I’m still figuring that out so no timeline specific discussions from the campaign).

Warning(s): self insert x canon, fluff, and slight suggestive mentions throughout

Bunny was already with the group whenever Chetney was first introduced, and like I said in the previous post it was like obvious love/infatuation at first sight. He was completely enamored by her and very obvious about that. Well… to everyone but Bunny who was jsut confused lmao. At this point she was only dating Dawn, though there was heavy hints at some connection with Fearne and Dorian at this time.

Chetney would continue to flirt with her heavily on and off pretty much from then on. There would be plenty of moments that others would see this, while Bunny remained completely and blissfully unaware. She would go on top capture the hearts of many, like Fearne and Dorian and Laudna (to name a few), and yet she would be none the wiser too his antics. Until Dawn and Imogen pointed out to her just exactly why the old gnome had always been so cheeky with her.

Everybody found her to be quite adorable and sweet, though he would be a bit... over the top with it. Nobody disrespected or talked over Bunny in his presence, even if she was in the wrong or wasn't exactly... right. It wouldn't matter. That's how far fucking gone this goddamn gnome was.

Though Bunny was not particularly reciprocating to his advances, she would respond somewhat playfully. But with a very strong insistent that it would be “in his dreams”, though some moments suggests she definitely lusted after his wolf form. Once she caught on it was lots of cutting of her eyes at him or pushing him away, in moments that weren’t all that serious. She was very vocal that it would never happen.

Eventually this would result in yet another transition of their dynamic which I call the “make her jealous” phase, in which Chetney starts playing a little hard to get with her. Slowing his roll a little bit and seeming like he stopped the whole gag, when in reality he was just switching up his angle. And even though it got a couple teasing remarks from the others to the validity of such an approach, hilarious it seemed to fucking work.

Bunny became rather disturbed by such a change, even though they tried to hide it with a faulty façade. All the times that she would get caught up in his flirting or heavy comments, instead it was nothing short of a quip or two thrown her way. None of which the intensity that it used to be, and she didn’t like how much her body reacted to the change. How differently she felt after the attention was no longer focused on her.

This continued on (most likely even after the split) with a few people catching on to her change in tune since his new approach ended up working. Though, it might had ended up working too well considering that they ended up hooking up in the process. And this doesn't stop there, considering Bunny ends up doing this again... and again... and again.

Eventually their dynamic has yet another shift, and this is where things really kick into high gear and her feelings really come to a head. Because now that they're physical, she starts getting even more jealous than she had been before. This might have been made worse by him purposefully making her jealous bc he found it cute and amusing... which wouldn't work in his favor too well. Thus resulting in the final stage of things before everybody, including Chetney, knew that her feelings had changed.

And slowly as things are revealed more and more, their dynamic finally comes to a head once she admits that he had captured her heart. That she can't hide it anymore, and in fact, he had fucking won. Something that would make him even more insufferable with her, and the two of them would become the corny ass couple that they are now.

[troublcmakcrs]

A long time ago, Earth worked the same way, with all of the kids crammed together in the same classroom.  There is an example of one of the old school buildings in the old-fashioned village his class took a field trip to.  He finds that he cannot recall many details from that trip, having repressed much of it, but that he does remember.  There was barely enough space for twenty kids in there, a far cry from how many there are in the multi-level elementary school that houses all of South Park’s youth.  Back then, a lot of people could not afford to go to school because they had to work on farms and in factories and whatever else.  Craig doesn’t know exactly when schools split into multiple grades, but he supposes it’s better this way, so all of the kids can get personalized attention.

Or at least, they would if the staff at South Park Elementary was worth a damn, but that is a whole other thing.

Explaining what it’s like having a sibling to people who don’t is difficult.  He is so used to it, unable to remember the days before Tricia was born.  It would be like Ava explaining what it’s like to be an only child to him, an experience so inherent in her existence and so different from his own that words probably wouldn’t do it justice.  It’s just something you feel and live, not really something you talk about.

To express this, Craig shrugs and says, “I dunno, what’s it like not having a sibling?”  It’s a purely rhetorical question, as he doesn’t really want to know.  His life would probably be worse without Tricia in it, and even though they bicker constantly when they’re together, he knows that his house would be too lonely and quiet without her.  He thinks very few people who have siblings would actually want them dead and gone, even Stan whose older sister beats the shit out of him all the time.  As much of a bully as she is, he’d probably be devastated if something happened to her—or at least, that is the vibe Craig has gotten from them.  Maybe he’s completely off-base with it, though.

“It’s all right.  Sometimes, it’s cool not to be totally alone when you go home at night.”  There are times when Craig prefers to be alone and Tricia tries to worm her way into his room, leading to another spat between the two of them.  But he does it to her just as often, standing on the threshold of her door just to see her, arguing that he is not even in her room when she tells him to get the fuck out.

For the most part, he is used to her presence, and there is comfort in feeling it through the walls of different rooms in the house.

“You feel protective over them, even if you don’t like them all the time, or at least, I do.  Anyone who fucks with Trish fucks with me.”  So, very few people fuck with Tricia because everyone who would be tempted to—in other words, her peers and classmates—are much smaller and not as intimidating as he is.  “People think it’s fucked to wail on kids who’re smaller than you, but I’ll do it if they’re giving her a hard time.  You’ve gotta look out for your sibling, no matter what, and in return, they’ve gotta be just as ride-or-die for you, even if you’re mad at each other.  So, it’s pretty nice having someone you can always trust around.”

Almost every topic that was mundane or novel was one that was completely new for Ava. She hadn't even known what seasons entailed prior to Odin telling her about them, so there really was no way for her to understand that most schools functioned in varying ways from each other. In her mind, all of them were similar enough that she could apply what she was familiar with back and forth. Obviously, that was not the case, but it is a good way for her to learn.

"Guess that makes sense..." She's not entirely certain who the McCormicks are, which kids belong to that family, but given what she knew about Stan and Shelley, it did make sense. From what Stan had told her, him and Shelley rarely suffer each other's company unless they absolutely have to. The little quip, that she is fairly certain is aimed towards Odin, does get a wheezy laugh out of Ava, up until she winces. Laughs were still off the table, okay.

Turning her head towards Craig, Ava squints at him. She wants to speak, to agree with him, but that wasn't actually a question. So, Craig just gets a small nod and a shrug from her in the meantime. Some of the kids she knew growing up had siblings too, so it wasn't like she was wholly unfamiliar with their interactions, but a lot of those kids had been displaced and more than likely just stuck together because it was the safe and comforting thing to do.

"Aside from... Not hanging out with each other, I guess, what's it like? Having a sibling?" There was likely some argument to be made that Ava did end up as some sort of sibling figure for at least a couple of the kids she had met, but... That was different. Even she could tell it was. As protective as she wanted to be of them, they were very good at taking care of themselves.

[casspurrjoybell-24]

Sugar Punch - Chapter 42

*Warning Adult Content*

- Maddox -

It was fight night and I felt more pumped up than usual.

After I spoke with Clary about our relationship and how things currently were, it came to my attention that I wasn't the only one feeling like this relationship was working and as much as I wanted to try and make it work with her, it was hard to argue with how I really felt.

Clary and I broke things off two hours later because who was I kidding?

I wasn't making her happy and I didn't want to make her miserable with my shit and my schedule that clashed with hers.

We came to the point where we both agreed that we only had sex between us and no feelings, which I didn't disagree with, I had tried to be good to her but the connection I felt with Theo wasn't there when I was with Clary.

I hoped things wouldn't come to this but it always does and I was just surprised we lasted this long before I somehow fucked it up or before we both grew apart.

As much as I felt like a bastard for thinking but the moment the left my penthouse I felt the happiest I've ever been since I started seeing her, which isn't fair, I felt like a dick as soon as the thought came to mind.

Clary was perfect for me in every way, everyone thought so but that was the problem, I couldn't find anything wrong with her and for some reason it bugged me that everything she did was flawless and whatever she said was right.

In the end, all I got from the relationship with her was sex and even then, I felt like something was missing.

"Hey man the crowd out there is wild, we're a full house," Jordan said, coming into the room, his face covered in sweat.

"Hmm" I mumbled, wrapping my hands in tape as I cleared my head of Carly and started focusing on tonight's fight.

Victor Geoff was my opponent tonight.

He was a big name in kickboxing, when I first started I looked up to Victor as he was the only fighter who made it look fun, I became a fan and watched him fight whenever I could, so tonight meant a lot to me, that I got to go against someone I've looked up to since I was a brat.

I needed to get my head straight though, this shit with Carly couldn't have ended at a more perfect time, as bad as it sounds, if I was still with her, I'd be losing my mind out there, I just knew it.

Going up against Geoff got my blood pumping and because of that I was hyped to get out there and do my thing the only way I knew how.

"Oh, did you hear whose here tonight?" Jordan asks, as I look at him and shrug.

Lots of people were here tonight, the fight sold out in hours the moment the tickets went live, I knew big name celebrities were here tonight to watch this fight go down, it was a fight not only I was buzzed about but many other people too.

"Theo's here," he announced and I felt my whole-body flinch.

'Huh?'

"What?"

'Theo was here?'

Did I hear him right or was I seriously still out of my mind because of who I'm minutes from going up against.

"Yeah, you know, Theo," he laughed. "I just saw Tony and he said he gave him tickets on Thursday after their session together, brought his boyfriend too."

It felt like a gold bucket of ice water was poured over my head as I pondered what just left his mouth, my stomach twisted painfully as I looked away from Jordan's face and down at my hands, that were starting to sweat.

"Do you want me to go grab him? It's been forever since we saw him..."

"No."

I stood up, as my head felt like it was splitting in two.

If Theo was here, for whatever reason, I wanted to keep my head in the game and knowing that he's here, right now to watch me fight.

It threw me off more than I liked to admit, I half wished Jordan never told me.

"What happened between you two anyways? I thought things with Theo were... good?"

Hah... seriously, my heart felt like it was choking in my chest as he kept saying his name, it made me feel dizzy and nauseous as I pressed my hand to my chest, as I tried to control my breathing.

'What the fuck is wrong with me?'

It's almost like I'm nervous that he's here, it's been two fucking years and I'm still like this at the mention of his name, I must be out of my damn mind.

"Do..." I sucked in my bottom lip as I stared at the door. "Do you know his seat number?" I asked, hating that I asked, knowing fully well that this wasn't healthy.

"I think he said B side, second row... why?" he hummed. "Want me to go grab him real quick? We still got time before they need you out there."

Fuck... I wanted to see him, just to see how much he changed and how much he had changed, it's been so long and he's been working out with Tony for a while now, he was on a food plan and I knew from Tony that he was doing well with fighting.

My heart was hammering against my chest and it felt painful thinking about him, someone I can't have, someone I still think about.

I never should have let him go...

"No… I need to focus on the match, just leave him be," I forced out, as I felt my mouth get dry.

Theo wasn't here to see me, to watch me fight maybe but he didn't want to talk to me and I don't blame him, there was also the fact he brought his boyfriend here, I wasn't a fucking idiot, my match was a date for them.

It made me feel fucking sick and there was nothing I could do about it.

The door suddenly opened and in walked Carly.

"Hey," she said, closing the door behind her.

She was dressed in a short diamond dress that barely covered her ass, she looked good and if I wasn't such a fucking bastard still hung up on a guy with a boyfriend, I'd be all over her like a flea.

"Didn't think you'd show up," I joked, making her giggle.

I went over to her and she wrapped her arm around me in a hug, before squeezing my arm in her hand, grinning up at me.

"Just because we're over doesn't mean we can't be friends, Mads," she said sweetly, as I smiled down at her.

There was a knock at the door, making all heads in the room turn to see who knocked and opened the door just enough to poke their head inside.

"Twenty minutes, Mr. Zane," one of the event staff said as I nodded my head.

They left and I sighed out, wondering if I could really go out there and give it my best, while my head was a mess from the known fact that somewhere out there, Theo was sitting in the crowd, waiting to watch me.

"I need to go check a few things, so I'll come back to get you when it's time, "Jordan said as I watched him leave the room, closing the door behind him.

It was just Clary inside the room with me now, I went and sat back down to check over my tape as I felt her sit beside me, as her leg brushed against mine and her hand going to rest on my leg.

"I know we never dated for long but I know when something is bothering you," Clary started, her has rubbing my leg as I turned to look at what she was doing. "I could... help you relax."

I moved her hand away and got back up from my seat, I started shaking my head frustrated as a laugh escaped my throat, not believing she's doing this right now, when I was moments away from an important fight in my career.

"Don't be like that Mads, it's not like it's the first time we had sex before you fought," she said, as I turned around and looked down at her.

'Wait, what the fuck?'

"I don't need your help and if that's why you're here I prefer that you just fucking left." I snap out, my leg feeling itchy from where her hand touched me. "If that's all you want, just fuck off and don't come back here."

She got up and huffed out as she walked past me, just then the door opened and Jordan poked his head in, his hand covering his eyes before he opens his fingers to peek through.

"Oh great, uh... they want you out early to check some stuff."

I nod my head and move past Clary and open the door and step out into the hallway, where a bunch of screaming fans being blocked by security started screaming my name as I started following behind Jordan.

After the event went over a few things about security with me really quick, my name was being called as they told me it was time for me to head out as Victor went first from how loud the screams were that I even heard them from behind two sets of steel doors.

Fuck, this was it, what I've been working towards my whole life, a chance to prove myself against one of the best fighters I had ever seen, I felt high on the adrenaline that started pumping through my veins, as I started walking towards where I needed to go.

"You ready for this?" Jordan yells in my ear over the screaming as I stood by the entrance to the ring, noticing the camera was on me as I nodded my head and put my mouth guard in.

I was fucking born ready for this, there was no doubt in my mind that once I stepped foot in the ring, everything else would just vanish away, and there only would be Victor and nobody else.

"I'm ready."

I hit my gloves together and saw that the fight screw gave me the go ahead to walk out.

I emptied my mind and focused on the fight ahead of me, I took the first step and focused on nothing but what was moments away from happening, as I didn't tear my eyes away from Victor, who was equally focused on me.

Let the fun begin. 

[elendsessor]

hi welcome back to me talking about megaten demon designs and if you follow me or have went through the megaten tags you probably noticed i’ve been on a dsrk kick, specifically with the lone marebito since i unintentionally gave it a reread. i’m sorry if you’ve seen nothing but that shit from me i swear i’m almost done rambling about it.

first time i read it was before i finished dsrk2 so i held off on talking about different designs of reappearing demons since i thought maybe they’d appear in 2 but. nah they didn’t.

a lot of these designs are really cool, redesigns or otherwise.

BRW THIS POST IS LONG I’M SORRY-

i’m gonna toss out a spoiler warning since it’s not likely many people in the megaten community has given the lone marebito a read. there’s an english fan translation here if you’re interested!

quick shoutout to @/eirikrjs since they and @/yamayuandadu made a couple of posts a few years back about the origins of jatou ouhanshin aka this badass motherfucker.

i love giant reptiles in any media and goddamn i love this and yes i want ouhanshin to be included in a future megaten game :D

of course there’s likely some demons i missed/forgot to include so don’t expect every instance.

first up are some redesigns since they mostly appear at the beginning.

now with gremlins! they’re definitely a lot different than any of the previous variations, being a lot more goblin-like + a fat fuck one for good measure. it does more closely represent the pre-soul hackers gremlin design (which is a lot better in my opinion). as silly goofy as they are they do much better fit the general idea of what a gremlin is. this was likely a choice based on the overall tone of the manga, which gets really fucking depressing and a bit more body horror-y/gory than most megaten material, but the smaller gremlins should’ve been the silly goofy with the big boi being the gross monstrosity. idk gremlins are popular enough that having such a vast deviation used in this way doesn’t work.

i think the manticore is actually a complete upgrade from the og designs and is a prime example of the more horror part of tlm improving the original.

idk man i really do not like the og manticore designs. given how the beast itself’s name means man-eater and the fact that it has the body of a lion, the thinner body doesn’t really give that same fear (and the sickly green kinda worsens it). nor does the head??? yeah it’s supposed to be ugly but it looks like a last minute decision and not part of the beast itself. the second one is a bit better but neither of them look that good or scary. (i think they’re more heavily based around a certain latin bestiary depiction but that one sucks too sorry 13th century latin guy.)

even if the manga manticore’s body wasn’t buffer the face is fucking amazing. first it has an actual mane like a couple other depictions do, but turning the normally “ugly” face into a skull is sick as hell. oh and the teeth help it a lot. fantastic demon design all around.

this one is less of a total redesign since it’s character specific. there have been minor alterations made to demons throughout the devil summoner franchise especially with dsrk in order to fit that imperial japan vibe, such as high pixie basically being a pixie wearing a kimono. shiragiku’s design is more based in the soul hackers nekomata design though without being a calico. i wanted to give her a bit of attention on the design part for at least one thing because it’s pretty interesting to me and that’s having a normal cat form. yes because of shiragiku’s backstory it makes sense that she regained her pre-furryfication body. however, when it comes to looking at it from a folklore angle it’s pretty interesting.

all nekomata start off as bakeneko, aka monster cats. they can shape-shift to look either more house cat-like, human-like, and everything in-between. they can also mimic voices. nekomata are basically just stronger bakeneko, symbolized by the split tail (which is how they get their name). in megaten, we don’t really see that often, some of which is understandable. what i find so interesting is that it’s kinda defied in some ways? as in, normal bakeneko are glossed over, unless morgana counts since he pretty much is one. the most commonly used nekomata design in smt is the one from nocturne who only has one tail despite being in a non normal cat state. i’m guessing for the sake of simplicity both bakeneko and nekomata are one in the same due to the heavy similarities. idk it’s pretty confusing but basically this was all an excuse to include cat girls and shiragiku is the closest we’re getting to a truly accurate nekomata.

what if i told you though that behemoth is technically original.

gonna be quick about this since basically aside from devil children behemoth has no original design. it’s mostly just recolors of other demons, mainly elephant/hippo/rhino-like ones. in fairness, behemoth is a warped shouten but it’s so different it’s basically its own demon that goes bye bye before getting any real action. still looks cool af but i’m sorry behemoth.

here’s a weird one. despite maintaining the horn, yato no kami is completely different from the game counterpart and is another much better design (wasted on a character that was pretty underutilized despite the potential). in actual japanese folklore, yato no kami are snake deities (and also some hot anime dude from a game i never heard of thanks google). pointing that out because, while cool on its own, yeah looks too much like a parasite and not what it’s supposed to be.

now for a side note on a couple more demons exclusive to the manga

clarion is interesting to me for one reason and one reason only: it heavily resembles the great will aka the universal will aka existence itself.

this one’s a bit of a stretch but i still find it interesting.

this guy was only in last bible, specifically the game gear version, but is referenced and named dropped a ton. every yhvh avatar is something this thing popped into existence. an equivalent exists in the 4 duology aka the axiom but since both games were a bit of a soft reboot of the traditional mainline style plus is pretty much the exact same thing this counts the axiom. it’s important to note that, as it’s technically a concept and not a physical being, it relies on avatars to get shit done. aside from that, there’s not much info on the great will but it’s considered either equal to or potentially the creator of yhvh.

most of the big time avatars that relate to the great will and yhvh, including yhvh himself, are either a big human face or a circle. while it’s stated in the manga that clarion is a goddamn alien the fact that it keeps so many of the design motifs of the great will, yhvh, and all their ocs, i honestly think it just might be another avatar. i mean it also knows shit like god’s wrath so that has to count for something. it’s just so fucking interesting i love it.

on a final, simpler note, touda is cool. i’m 99% sure it just morphs into ouhanshin but still i love snakes. there are so many serpents n noodly things in tlm it’s cool they’re attached to badass imagery even if they’ll likely never show up in any other official material ever again.

[spacedace]

Here, have a snippet of the Jason & Steph sibling bonding portion of the DP x DC AU I wrote 10k words for since last night in a haze of post sickness/burnout creative burst, featuring some Anger Management because of course it does lol

(I call it a snippet but it’s like...3k words lol)

Trigger Warnings because most of this snippet focuses on them running around Crime Alley and shit that goes down in it: references to drugs, overdoses, domestic abuse, child endangerment (if I miss anything let me know and I’ll add it). Nothing expliciet or details but they are things mentioned as happening because, well, Crime Alley.

-

Spoiler shifts subtly from foot to foot on the rooftop, hands open and ready at her side as she split her attention from watching him and checking the street below for signs of trouble. Her gaze was sharp on the girls working the corner, tracking for any hint that the man talking them up was making any of them uncomfortable even as she made sure Jason didn’t suddenly dart across the ten feet between them to strike out at her.

“George Conrad.” He said, satisfied that his sudden breaking of the silence didn’t make her jump though did catch her attention fully, fingers twitching warningly towards her belt. He nodded his head down to the street and the large man rummaging through the bag he brought with him. More of the girls had huddled up around him. “Not a john. Not even from Gotham.” He explained, shifting to walk over to the edge of the roof, giving her his back as he did. “His son Kyle ran away from home while George was oversees and ended up working the streets. George tracked him down once he was back in the states a few years ago but by the time he made it here Kyle had been killed.”

She moved to join him at the ledge, still leaving space between them but not enough for his guns to be as effective. Smart, vigilant, but still with a soft enough heart to stop and listen to one of the many tragedies that played out in Gotham’s darkest streets.

“What happened?” She asked, eyes softening on the big man in question as he started handing out ziploc bags. Jason knew very well what they held, and wondered if Spoiler could make out the finer details from the distance they were at. Sandwiches, granola bars, water bottles, condoms, clean needles, wet-wipes, little travel sewing kits, over the counter pain meds. Anything and everything George had ever been told would be appreciated or useful by the sex workers he spoke to.

“Overdose.” Jason answered, grateful that the distorter built into his helmet disguised the tightness of his voice. Memories of a cold body on the floor, stiff and waxy with distant glassy eyes. “Got mixed up with the wrong person. Boyfriend. Not a big player but,” He shrugged and knew that Spoiler would understand. It was how a lot of people got mixed up in sex work when they wouldn’t have normally. Boyfriend that promised the world, the painful fall into being pressured to sleep with said boyfriend’s friend, then another, then another. “One of Daisy’s boys was a neighbor and figured out what was going on, Daisy helped get him out but it was too late by then.”

Below one of the girls, younger than the rest - an adult, because he wouldn’t allow anything else in his territory, but still new to the scene - surged forward to wrap her arms around the old man. George gave her a gentle pat on the back, pushing her back gentle to dig out a card from his pocket. A list of numbers for her to call, shelters and organizations that could help, his own number in case she ever needed anything. “They chipped in for a funeral for him. Gave George somewhere to go and mourn. He’s been here ever since, trying to look after them all. He works as a bouncer at Daisy’s these days but he always does the rounds when he isn’t working.”

“People never get this part.” Spoiler mused, voice going soft and distant. “They always think the Alley is just…” She waved a gloved hand, “Trash and monsters. They can’t seem to get that there’s more. Just…people. Some really good ones even.”

He smiled behind his mask. There was a reason she was the one of the whole Bat Clan he’d decided to trust with this.

“Come on.” He said, waving her after him as he began an easy run that’d let them both move easily from rooftop to rooftop. Spoiler hesitated a moment, but at length followed, quick and quiet as she darted from shadow to shadow in his wake.

They spent the following couple of hours meandering around Crime Alley at an easy clip. Squat roofs and rusted fire escapes, narrow streets and dark corners. Pausing to jump in and handle anything that popped up or at particular spots of interest where he’d point out places and people. The chop shop run by the ragged gang of teens and children some of the gangs had been angling towards that needed looking after. The homeless encampment nestled between the grimy apartment building Daisy O’Neil had taken over to run her business out of and the tiny, almost forgotten pauper’s cemetery. The usual roosting spots for the drug dealers, the gambling dens, the little family owned cafe that had the best Tantuni at midnight and even better Turkish coffee at the crack of dawn.

It was as they perched on top of this last one, tucked back in the shadows away from view as Spoiler devoured the freshly made Lokma that Mrs. Solak insisted on making fresh for them when they stopped by that the question finally came.

“So what exactly is all this?” Spoiler asked, popping another of the sugary, honey covered Lokma in her mouth. He’d shoved the container Mrs. Solak had given to him over to her after eating only a few, knowing she was going to try to steal them anyway if he didn’t. “When you said you needed my help with something in Crime Alley, I was expecting…I don’t know, drug runners or something.” She popped another golden dough ball in her mouth, cheeks round as a chipmunk and voice muffled as she said, “Not a tour of the place.”

Jason let his head fall back on the brick of the rooftop entrance behind them, eyes scanning the glittering horizon of the Gotham skyline, trying to sort out his answer. He had talked about how he was going to do this with Jazz, practicing what he was going to say, what he wanted to reveal, what outcomes he could expect from the whole thing. When he left he’d felt confident about it all, riding high on the warmth of Jazz’s kiss and the fluttering thumps of little legs kicking against his hand. Now that he was here though he felt lost as to how to begin.

“I’m hanging up the mask.” He finally said. It wasn’t quite like the first time he’d said it out loud, in the privacy of his apartment, curled in bed with Jazz, only brave enough to whisper it in the dark. There wasn’t that rush of anxiety and relief that had hit him at finally saying what had twisted over and over in his head for weeks leading up to that moment. Now there was just the settled feeling, the certainty, the surety of being on the path he wanted to be on. “I wanted to ask if you’d look after my territory me when I do.”

Spoiler gaped at him. “Wait, seriously?”

He almost laughed, he settled on giving her a lazy smile. “Seriously.”

With her masked pulled down so she could eat her treats he could see her wide eyed, disbelief on her face easily. “Why?”

He gave a shrug, aiming for nonchalant. “This used to be your territory for awhile, right? You’re from here, you know the Alley and the people and how it all works.” He felt his smile go softer, “I trust you to be able to keep it safe.”

Spoiler’s - Steph’s - expression softened at that. “That’s…thank you.” She glanced out the same way he had before, face caught in something bittersweet. “I…I hated this place growing up. I still do, kinda. I think everyone that lives here does. But I still missed it, it’s still…still home.”

“Yeah,” He agreed, mind turning over his childhood. The constant fear and hardship. Living rough even when he did have a roof over his head. His father’s heavy hands. His mother’s slow wasting. Crime Alley was a complete shit hole, one where the worst of the worst tended to gather. But it wasn’t all monsters. There were good people too, just trying to scrape by. Old George wandering the streets handing out necessities to working girls and boys. The Solak family and their little shop, giving out the left overs to the street kids and homeless. The Nightingales, crammed into their two bedroom apartment, just trying to get by. “I knew you’d get it.”

They sat in silence for awhile. Steph chewing over his request and her Lokma, Jason lost in memories of the past and wistful dreams of the future. At length the blond next to him bumped his shoulder with hers, head tilting at a questioning angle. “I…I really appreciate what you said, about why me.” She said, awkward and touched in equal measure. “But…I was actually wondering why you were stepping back.”

He was ready for that question, he was. He’d initially just wanted to leave it at none of your fucking business but Jazz had - wise as ever - pointed out that he was asking her a favor, and a big one at that. He might not be comfortable with the rest of his family knowing everything - or anything - but Steph at least deserved an explanation as to why he was asking her to take over his territory.

“You tell anyone this, and I will kill you.” He started and then cringed internally because that had not at any point been something that had come up in his practice conversations with Jazz. Oh well, any more ooie-gooey feelings talk and Steph probably would have thought he was replaced by a pod person or something. “I’m seeing someone.”

The faintly alarmed look the blond vigilante beside him had melted away in an instant, replaced by a sly, mischievous grin. Hellion. One whiff of gossip and that’s all it took. “Ooooh, Big Bad Red Hood has a heart after all.” She crooned, ignoring her earlier reticence to get too close and leaning dramatically against his side. “Who is it huh? Anyone I know? Ooh, is it someone in the Outlaws?”

He was reminded of before he died, suddenly. Of teasing Dick over his latest crush over a beautiful red head that could kick his ass like a proper annoying little brother. In an echo of that moment so many years ago, he shoved Spoiler off in the same way Dick had done to him, rolling his eyes at her dramatic squawking as she nearly dropped her treat to disguise the small smile that wanted to curl at his lip. He swiped at the container lazily, a feint at stealing it back that resulted in a brief scuffle that ended with him popped a few of the Lokma in his mouth as she tore the container - that he had given to her in the first place - away, holding it close to her chest like a precious treasure.

“No, no one you know.” He answered at last they finally settled down. He paused for a beat, gaze turning back to the city as he added. “She’s a civilian.”

Spoiler looked considering at that, chewing at one of the last of the Lokma thoughtfully. “So what’s going on then? You do a face reveal and she asked you to quit the vigilante business?”

“No.” He said, taking a small, steadying breath. Better to just rip off the bandaid. “She’s pregnant.”

Spoiler went still beside him, laughing eyes shuttering and face falling into a neutral mask as she stared at him. After a long, long moment she gave a small, unreadable little, “Oh.”

Jason fought the urge to fidget. Oh. It could mean so many things. Oh shit. Oh no. Oh how nice. Oh boy I can’t wait to tell Bruce about this. That last one, admittedly, was unlikely. Spoiler was on good terms with most of the Bats and Birds but she and Bruce had long had something of a rocky relationship. No where near as bad as what he and the old man had, but still enough that she was probably the very last person to willingly go hunt Bruce down to share all the details of Jason’s private life unless she thought it particularly necessary.

The silence stretched on. And Jason knows what silence does to a human brain. Four seconds of quiet during a conversation after saying something registers as rejection, caused feelings of anxiety and apprehension, even caused the same signals in the brain as physical pain. Prolonged silence and steady attention at the same time caused an urge to fill the quiet, to speak and keep speaking until the other person says something. It was something Bruce taught him, guiding him along in his Robin days on how to perform interrogation and get the person they were questioning to spill their guts.

He was taught too how to outlast that silence in situations where he was being questioned. Both by Bruce and by the League - though the interrogations that he was meant to resist under their teachings had far more than long awkward silences to contend with. He knew how to clamp down on that instinctive drive to keep talking when faced with stillness like this.

And yet, somehow he could stop himself.

“I just…I think about being a kid and my dad going to work,” He said the word with appropriate amount of vitrol, “And then never coming back. Him dying in jail and it just being me and my mom trying to scrape by. Or…or with Bruce. Knowing that I was always going to place second to the Rogues and the city. I just…” His head dropped back on the brick behind him, eyes closed and throat tight. “I can’t do that to my kid. I’m going to be there. I’m going to make sure they’re safe and happy and that they don’t ever have to worry about if their old man is coming home or not.”

It was a nightmare he’d been having, since the morning he and Jazz crowded over a couple of pregnancy tests and saw the results. Dying out in the gutter and shambling home as a ghost to see the grief he left behind. Jazz crying, a child who’s features he could never make out standing in the doorway the way he would stand at the entrance of the cave when he was too injured to go out with Batman. Waiting in painful silence and burning tears to find out that his father was dead.

“I’m not…I’m not cutting out of the life completely.” He said, trying to focus past the squeezing in his chest, trying to force the conversation back into a conversation rather than him just pouring his bleeding heart out to a blank wall. “I’m going to talk to Babs, see if she’d be alright with me helping with some of what she does, or get something similar setup solely for the Alley. I’m going to keep tabs with my guys on what’s going on and work with them that way. And if there’s anything big, obviously you guys can call me in, I’m not just going to sit back if there’s a city wide threat or worse, I just - “

There were arms around him, suddenly. Warm and strong as they wrapped around him, a face pressed into his shoulder, his nose tickled by blond hair.

He sat there, frozen for a long moment before slowly, lifting his own arms to return the hug. Steph gave him an encouraging squeeze. “I get it.” She said, voice whisper soft and almost lost as she spoke into the leather of his jacket. “I think…I think if I’d been older, if I was more able to keep her…I think I would have done the same thing.” There was a faint sniff as she finally pulled away. She wasn’t crying, but her eyes were bright with tears. “I’m happy for you.” She moved to gently head butt him, “And I’m honored to take over watching over this shithole of ours.”

Jason gave a watery laugh, not even caring that he was crying as he scrubbed away some of the tears that had burned down his cheek. “Thanks Blondie. Steph.”

She rocked back on her heels, arms crossed as her expression turned suddenly serious. “I do have one condition though.” At his look the seriousness melted away into an exuberant grin. “I want to meet this mystery woman of yours. Wait!” She brightened, “Two conditions! I want to be there when you finally tell B and the rest! I am not missing the look on their faces when you tell them!”

He rolled his eyes and shoved her, sending her tumbling into the container of Lokma and sending the remaining fried dough balls rolling across the grungy roof. Steph squawked, dropping to her knees before the thoroughly ruined sweets as dramatic as if it was her one true love laying dead before her. “They were so young, so innocent!” She wailed, throwing her head back as if to howl at the sky in mourning before snapping back to him, finger pointing at him accusatory. “You! This is your fault! I will have my vengeance!”

The rest of the night was spent darting from rooftop to rooftop in an echo of the game of tag he used to play with Dick and Babs years ago. Tackling each other and fighting without actually aiming to do real damage. Only pausing to jump down to the street or through a window here and there to knock some heads together.

By the time he was heading to the Dead Man’s Hand so he could walk Jazz home - or whisk her off to his safehouse, if he was lucky and she was able to duck her siblings for the day - he felt lighter. Steph would look after the Alley, the people he protected. He’d work with her over the next few months, get her integrated with his lieutenants and make sure she was familiar with the ins and outs of his little slice of Gotham, make sure she was as ready as she could be to take over for him.