unhingedcheeto

[unhingedcheeto]

Hey chat, does it ever actually get better?

[unhingedcheeto]

They should invent an HR that actually fires employees who sexually harass people

[unhingedcheeto]

“you never thought your body could be anything except bruised. your locked door. your haunted house. the unlearning is taking so long.”

// Fortesa Latifi, “fingertips,” We Were Young

[unhingedcheeto]

If you need a place to hang your head, a shoulders better than a knot

You’d be a better memory alive rather than not

[unhingedcheeto]

I am so tired

Just try one more time, they say. It sounds easy. Like it should be a given. But I don’t know if I have one more time to give.

For nearly 30 years I’ve heard the same encouragement:

Next time will be different

It wasn’t.

Things will get better

Maybe in some ways….in others, it’s worse

You will heal

And I have….but it doesn’t seem to matter

I am still alone. I am still misunderstood. I am still lied to and dismissed and disrespected. I am still so depressed that my heart feels like it will collapse on itself like a black hole. I am still alone.

I used to think it was silly when people talked about humans being social creatures. I don’t need them, I would think. I like friends, sure, but I didn’t NEED touch or connection. But I think I finally understand. When I lie in bed at night with my soul aching for the touch of another human. Just go find someone, my friends would say. But I can’t. I’ve never been able to feel it with just anyone. The touch I crave, yes….but the connection. The connection is something I haven’t had for even longer. Perhaps I never have.

I have tried, of course. Many times. Each of them leaving me feeling like a dog abandoned on the side of the road in the rain. And for a while, I gave up. I did years of work on healing and trying to get better. So I tried again. And again, I was left hoping at the door or someone who couldn’t care less if I live or die.

I am so tired. One more time may be too much.

What do I do with this aching loneliness? Will it ever go away? Will I become used to it again? I’m afraid it is something I won’t be able to live with.

So, maybe this time will be the last. We all only have so many tries in us, don’t we?

[unhingedcheeto]

I was told it was a blessing. That I was lucky I was gifted. And i felt lucky…for a while. But every night, night after night, year after year, feeling isolated and misunderstood, all I really want…

Is to be normal

I want to take interactions at face value; Instead, I predict the unfortunate end

I want to have moments where my mind is quiet; Instead, I have a constant stream of a million different thoughts and scenarios and explanations. Not all of them helpful.

I want to be able to take give someone the benefit of the doubt without a second thought; Instead, I notice the patterns, and try to give them the benefit of the doubt anyway- breaking my own heart in the process.

Because just one time….i want to be wrong about someone, in a good way. I want to be pleasantly surprised that they considered me. I want to feel a rush of joy when they follow through. I want to feel safe with someone again, instead of noticing the little inconsistencies and trying to ignore them because just ONCE, I want it to work.

I try, time after time, holding onto the ever slimmer chance that maybe this time they will understand. This time they’ll know why what they did hurt me- or better yet, they’ll know it will hurt me, so they don’t do it at all. This time, I’ll be considered how I consider others.

Maybe this time.

Maybe this time.

Maybe this time.

It’s a gift, they told me

So why does it feel like a curse?

[unhingedcheeto]

[unhingedcheeto]

[unhingedcheeto]

the parasocial relationship between you and the guy whose article you cite the most in your paper

[unhingedcheeto]

Oh

[unhingedcheeto]

[unhingedcheeto]

Consistently not being considered- time after time, year after year, by person after person….I’m beginning to think it’s worse than an actual heartbreak.

[unhingedcheeto]

Heavy on “I never would’ve done it to you”. No matter how small.

[unhingedcheeto]

Born to pour my heart out and be introspective and passionate and invested, forced to keep all of it inside indefinitely.

[unhingedcheeto]

Wanting to be a “Maybe I'm sick, maybe I'm fucked in the head 'Cause l'm not really scared of the consequence, Play with fire and you'll get burned. Everybody rolls the dice, and it's your turn. You put the gun to your head, all I did was pull the trigger” girlie

but born to be a “I can wait for you at the bottom I can stay away if you want me to I can wait for years if I gotta. Heaven knows I ain't getting over you” girlie

[unhingedcheeto]

Desperately wanting to give someone the love that you desire because no one will give it to you 🔛🔝

[unhingedcheeto]

I hate it here