vangoghinthehead

[vangoghinthehead]

can never be comfortable in this body. emotionally, physically, or mentally.

[vangoghinthehead]

i haven’t had a pill in days, maybe it should stay that way, i’ll curl into a ball, they’ll find me with the a.c. on, a husk, a shell, something dead and unable to move on, they’ll say she died of agoraphobia in her own home, no one wanted her bitch face around, she couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t drive, what was the point of her even being alive?

[vangoghinthehead]

the never-ending existential crisis that is (my) life

[vangoghinthehead]

i can't do anything

[vangoghinthehead]

i feel like my whole body is against me all of the time

[vangoghinthehead]

all my life i never believed in myself well enough to accomplish my heart's desires, i ache knowing this is still true

[vangoghinthehead]

okay, fine. nobody hates me, but i hate myself. can't be undone. i feel disgusting. i can't shed my skin. i can't shift into something else. i can't forget what's "wrong" with me. i can't undo the past. i can't fix my brain. i can't do anything worth doing to rip this feeling of self disgust out of me. i hurt myself over and over again because maybe this time it won't hurt, but it always does. i make myself worse, and then i get better, and then i die inside again anyway.

[vangoghinthehead]

my head feels sick

[vangoghinthehead]

merry christmas (sad, angry, depressed, indifferent girls only)

[vangoghinthehead]

i don't trust myself to be heard

[vangoghinthehead]

[vangoghinthehead]

i’m really amused at all the threats men make to women like “you’d be dead without men” or “you’’d have nothing without men” because they’re so fucking dumb, without men who would kill me? who would deny me access to food and resources? who would deny me jobs and positions and freedom of movement? who would be this imaginary threat that would get me if men weren’t around? do men think they’re presenting themselves in good light if they’re pretending there’s something much worse out there that would kill us all if they weren’t, you know, around, killing us?

let me phrase it the other way tho, if there was no men around after the moment i was concieved, I wouldn’t have been beaten up as a child, I wouldn’t have been raped by the age of 7, I wouldn’t have been harassed in public dozens of times, I wouldn’t have to be scared of going outside, I wouldn’t have to worry about what the fuck is government going to do now because government would be filled with women who would actually represent my interests, I wouldn’t have been going thru severe domestic abuse because nuclear family wouldn’t have even been a thing and I’d be born into a healthier and safer community.

If there was no men around my mother and grandma wouldn’t have been telling me terrifying stories of their fathers and husbands beating them and forcing them to do things against their will, if there was no men around I wouldn’t have been told that everything about my appearance and personality was wrong because men wont like it, I wouldn’t have been discriminated during entire education and job search, I wouldn’t have to spend my entire life without having a female only community, without feeling like I belong, I wouldn’t have to fret for survival, I wouldn’t have to be on constant alert for harassment and assault. I wouldn’t have to see thousands of women violated and abused in various ways on screen, women being objectified, ignored, put down, humiliated, ridiculed and hated wouldn’t be a normalized part of my life experience.

They’re trying to convince us that we need them but we don’t. We need each other. It’s actually terrifying for them how much we don’t need them, that’s why all the aggressive threats and insisting they’re vital to our survival, they’re not, they’re only vital to our imprisonment. We’re vital to their survival, but it doesn’t go other way around. They can’t survive without us. We thrive without them.

[vangoghinthehead]

why is it so impossible to be happy for more than 5 minutes? like contentment can last for a bit, but happiness?

[vangoghinthehead]

— Fiona Apple

[vangoghinthehead]

help all I do is think about how life is passing me by and I don't do anything about it

[vangoghinthehead]

is my perspective only my mental illness

[vangoghinthehead]

why does it feel morally wrong to spend all day in bed or at home. like i do it often but the whole time im wracked with guilt. it's literally not hurting anybody