yearning-solace-in-chaos

[yearning-solace-in-chaos]

I yearn

I yearn to feel something

I yearn to feel alive

But life feels like a movie and I'm still a character losing its way into life.

How strange it is to call living a simple thing when I'm unable to decode why it's so tough to live.

Each day each week is a repetition of itself.

They say pets bring u happiness, people bring u happiness but what if you still don't feel alive.

Is there something wrong with me? How do I not know yet.

In 23 years and I still live the same. In the same box I started and the same box I've been put back to.

I feel like those childhood toys who get played with often but kept aside once it's use is done and why do I feel like I have no purpose to be alive. For myself, I don't even have a reason to be alive for myself.

Maybe I fantasize dying so often that it feels good to think about dying and leaving everything behind. Stop feeling everything for a while. And just be. Floating in a sea look at the vast sky and decide I'm done. I'm done being a living person.

They say you're here to live, love, create, inspire but I dont live I have no love that I feel truly good about okay that might be exaggerating I do have people. I don't know if creation is ever my pursuit. And inspire who exactly I can't inspire myself to stay each passing day.

Does it get better? Idk because it feels out of reach. But eventually pages turn and you remain on a good plot in a book but yet to be picked up by the reader and kept still till then.

Oh how I wish someone could turn this page for me and tell me you have a good plot soon, your character is gonna be happy again. Your character will live because it feels so unrealistic. I don't have enough energy to just be anymore.

Who am I if not this person? Does my existence even matter? Do I matter? Do I ever make a change and stay happy? Do I live long enough on my own?!

[yearning-solace-in-chaos]

I see the blue sky when I'm worried,

Contrary to the popular belief it doesn't calm me

I get more worried by it's depth again

Questioning whether my living even makes sense

Or not caring is the new norm I should adapt

Silent winds caress my face telling me it's okay

But why don't I feel so inside

I get anxious

I get more anxious

And I stay

[yearning-solace-in-chaos]

I breathe,

I breathe with each passing day,

I breathe when I'm exhausted,

I do it so unconsciously I can't seem to remember if it's me.

Each day feels the same,

All the chores end and start again,

Making me dread existing.

I only wish I could ever escape this loop,

To be happy once again while swinging on the hoop.

Can never seem to find enough cheer,

Makes me wonder if I did something to be here.

Maybe it'll pass one day and maybe I'd be alive,

Or maybe I would have left everything behind.

[yearning-solace-in-chaos]

How weird it is to make boundaries with your closest ones?

People can do it yes, but man it's so tough when it's your family

[yearning-solace-in-chaos]

— Jenny Slate, Little Weirds

[yearning-solace-in-chaos]

People are too various to be treated so lightly

- Giovanni's room, James Baldwin

[yearning-solace-in-chaos]

tomorrow i will get my life together. if i’m not sleepy

[yearning-solace-in-chaos]

[yearning-solace-in-chaos]

Negative emotions are important indeed!

Came across this post today where she wrote all the negative emotions we feel and see how they're something to be grateful for each day.

For instance,

how grateful to be annoyed by my ginger cat biting and not letting me sleep at night sometimes.

How grateful to be annoyed by mum interrupting mid important session.

How grateful to be pissed at brother for wanting to see lame cartoons with him.

How grateful to be resting while all the world is running in the same cycle.

How grateful to be back in my hometown and seeing this place through a different lens than what I'm used to.

How grateful to be lonely but still trying to find my solitude in it.

So we can really choose to see how negative emotions are indeed helpful when we try to decode the intent behind it.

Ps here's my annoying kitten 😭

[yearning-solace-in-chaos]

Learning how to navigate myself through a break

The more I'm living through it each day, the more I'm understanding I don't have to fight this feeling so much. The feeling of not doing anything, of taking care of myself through this depressed phase of mine. I'm already fighting with my thoughts so I don't need to feed one more fighting thought to my added shelf.

Days have gotten easier. Breathing feels easier. Some days I still feel lonely. But some days solitude has become my best friend. Just like today, I picked up one of the books I was reading a month back and just saw it. Felt the need to pick it up. And read something in it. So here I am scrolling through Tumblr, putting my thoughts down because I feel like I need to be this person today and it feels easy like I'm breathing. Today seems like a gentle day.

[yearning-solace-in-chaos]

The sad thing about having people around taking care of you through depression is telling about your low phases. Is there a reason? Not in particular. What will make you feel better? Idk nothing seems good rn.

It's so exhausting not knowing what caused this low again. I wish I could say to myself sometimes shut up don't be sad but then again I want to embrace my sadness too, it's trying to tell me something I so wanna ignore.

So for depression people, it doesn't get better everyday. It gets worse sometimes too and that's probably okay. It doesn't feel like it but yeah you'll be fine through and after that low.

[yearning-solace-in-chaos]

Oftentimes we don't notice side characters in our story because we are so focused on our main characters always but have you ever thought how they must feel?

When I look back to my uni life, I have lots of good, kind friends and I'm surrounded by groups but there are 2-3 people in my class who sit alone or don't have friends that can include them in plans. I often think back to a conversation I had with one such person and she mentioned that when we walk back home with us, It feels nice because that's when at least someone talks to her. And that's sad.

I don't think I was always perfect or kind but I noticed and I didn't do anything to change their situations. And that guilt comes back when my close friends or my people experience the same thing in different universities.

Life is always a full circle I think, you can't escape being unkind. It always comes back to you.

[yearning-solace-in-chaos]

Hometown cha cha cha is just so comforting? Idk something about it is just so pure homely, peaceful.

The characters, the laalalallalalaa every Sunday theme song is so beautiful and makes u so cheerful, the beautiful place, the actors. It's just so so beautiful and I can never not recommend watching it when feeling lost and low.

[yearning-solace-in-chaos]

Honestly how do y'all figure out even what you want to do in life and I'm just so confused and paused somehow always?

[yearning-solace-in-chaos]

I think the more I grew up, I realised that my dad may not be good to my mom but he's a pretty amazing dad.

The kinda never ending support that I get from him, the long talks about anything I can do with him is all I never found gratitude for. I think what they say is real. When you grow up, you really start seeing things in a different light than the younger you would have.

All the rage inside me from my young years have been replaced by this calm, understanding soul. I tend to be more composed, instead of raging out.

If past me would have seen this, she would have laughed at the possibility of letting my dad see the rawest parts of me but I think that's the beauty of letting go and allowing myself peace.

I wish everyone could experience this. May your journey be so much of healing that the people you've crossed paths with and felt wronged by will grow enough to do right by you.

[yearning-solace-in-chaos]

His hooded eyes reminded me of the best friend I had in high school, the one who always looked out for me and the one who always showed me kindness, I was forever comfortable with her.

His eyes remind me of this comfort. The kindness behind it. Like the eyes a dog gives you when he is happy or when he senses your sadness, utter pure emotions.

He may not see it the way I do but the vast universe behind those eyes makes me want to never let go. To appreciate how beautiful he is and as they say love is really in the eyes and love is him.

[yearning-solace-in-chaos]

Once again when I suddenly moved on, there he was with the hope of it all coming back, waiting for me. Now that I looked back, I'm glad I crushed that hope but equal parts are sad. I don't remember him much at all, just the moments. Maybe romanticizing everything is all I know, glorifying the past while overlooking the future. I no longer wish to hold the hand that once brought me closer to healing. Despite this overwhelming sadness and abandonment, I'm glad to have this and awaiting another soul who will fill me with love.

I will always love you in your absence. Forever is what I promised and I shall fulfill it. And so it seems,I must always write you letters I can't send.

Wind clashes on my face, I see people passing by , different lives , wondering how it would have gone if I had chosen things differently. Cold air brings me to the present but the moving world takes me back to the past. Quite opposite, but enthralling.

Losing a few ends each day to bind myself. We weren't meant to be. Appalling it seems.