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0r30-n1ck · 22 days ago

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Alright, this is just me screaming angrily into the void about my current life issues, pay it no mind.

(Some things are left out of this die to being unimportant to the story, too personal to include, or I just don’t remember.)

Hello, my name is Nickolai, I go by Nick or Niko. I’m 16 years old, and somehow responsible for either 2 or three people attempting to kill themselves.

Let me explain.

Before I got into this, I’d like to say, I’m trying my best to account for all parties and not see bias because if this does somehow reach anyone, I just need to know what I’ve done wrong. My memory isn’t the best, and I’m trying. All of this takes place both on Vrchat and Discord unless i specifically state otherwise.

Many moons ago, maybe in I wanna say about August of last year, I was on vrchat. This happened sometime during the peak of Mouthwashing, so maybe a few weeks/a month after that? I can’t remember.

The first person I met, I’m going to call W, (I’ll be doing this with everyone involved so their online presence isn’t bombarded, or they are harassed.)

I met W in this nice recreation of Sebastian’s Shop from Pressure, he was Seb and doing a pretty decent impression. We became quick friends and I’d drag him along with me and my group to do silly things and mess around.

I somehow got into Mouthwashing, so naturally I was exploring this small Tulpar map that came out. While going through public instances, I met A. A was very nice, and quickly became apart of the trio with me and W. Somewhere along the line, W either already knew or we all met Z. I genuinely forgot. But it was me, A, W, and Z.

Occasionally, my friend M would tag along as well.

One day, in a public infancy of Audience Anarchy, my group, that I dubbed Jestars’ Inc (Due to all of us wearing this customizable jester avatar when we messed around), met R.

R and I, like most other people in the group, became fast friends. I hung out with him a lot, even outside of the group. One day, in one of my favorite vrchat worlds, my older sister and her boyfriend were fighting in the next room over in my house. It was so loud that even with my mic activation up, I had to go on mute. R comforted me while it happened, and I ended up falling for him. A few days later, I confessed to him and the feelings were mutual.

We were together from I want to say some point in November to sometime near the end of February. In that time, I shut out just about everyone else in my life but him. If I got online on vrchat, it was with him, if I was playing Roblox games, it was while I was on call with him. He was basically my entire world alongside my Jestars group.

R would vent to me and I’d vent to him, but he would break down so often I couldn’t handle it. I encouraged him to seek help, professional help. In the form of a school counselor, anything. But he always talked about how he hated school counselors.

On Valentine’s Day, he had spoken about spending the whole day with me, but I was (and still am) part of this project, and my then boss needed to speak with me, and he wasn’t online. Eventually he did get on and joined me and my boss, but I made a joke that kind of triggered my boss. She asked me politely not to joke about that around her because she possibly had DID and it was something that could bring back unwanted memories. After that interaction with my boss, R acted different. He went offline for I think about 30 minutes - an hour. And when he got back on, we spent some time together.

We took turns “crashing out” about things, I mainly spoke about previous bad exes or my family issues, but R spoke about things like fandoms spaces and how they’re shit, how Scott Cawthon is a bad writer, and something that really struck a nerve with me.

R had said that people with DID were so unlikable that they needed to make up personalities to make themselves likable, and people with fictives were so unoriginal that they needed to steal other people’s characters to do so.

He said all this after he met my boss, a very kind, nice woman, who POSSIBLY has DID.

Of course, that rubbed me the wrong way, but I wrote it off.

My mind gets fuzzy here, but somehow we got onto the topic of a person he always said I reminded him of. This person was a 20 year old who faked DID, practically groomed him, and ERPd with R. And on Valentine’s Day, of all days, he compared me to them.

Please, tell me how weird and offensive does that seem?

I didn’t even break up with him in my own time, he had joined off my little brother figure and kept pestering me until I dragged him off into a separate world instance and we broke things off.

Two days. Two days after we broke up, R was with A.

I didn’t care for it, sure, it was weird and gross that he moved on that quick, but it was whatever.

I was in Florida for three days, and while I was in another airport, waiting for my connecting flight, I get a text from my friend M. M sends me screenshots that made my blood go cold.

Something important to know, I will be alternating between he and she for A, and A is polyamorous. Not wanting to seem like a hypocrite, A allowed R to date other people as well. And what does he do?

Immediately, he went to M, who I called my mini me, and tried asking him out. Thankfully, I think M was already in a relationship, but that’s not the point. R said, if I’m remembering correctly, “You’re basically like Niko, so, I like you”

Which I did, and STILL DO find creepy.

I go to A with all this, and we find out that R had LIED to A about our relationship (Mine and R’s), hadn’t told her when we broke up, and only told her a few days later.

A and R broke up immediately, and we both sent him final goodby messages, and cut him out of our lives, because he was all around a bit disturbing and creepy. (I forgot to add this, but Jestars had lore, it was meant to be cute and fun, but R made more about Jestars made from fabric, plastic bones, and stuffing being fused into amalgamations of rotting flesh, them being chained up with their organs spilling out, genitals cut off, etc. just disturbing stuff :( )

After a while, I ended up dating my friend M. And I will admit, I am a piece of shit for this, but I did cheat on M. And I owned up to it and told him about it. He tried to commit, and I stayed on the phone with him to try and talk him out of it, to the point I fell asleep on call.

We ended up taking a break and I didn’t want to talk to him, I couldn’t because I was still trying to process that I almost permanently lost somebody I held so close and dear to me.

In the time M and I were on a break, I was talking with A.

A and I were chatting, chatting turned into flirting, and eventually we were basically together. While this was happening, A kept on basically taunting M about it? Talking about stealing me from him and stuff.

So, M was trying to attempt again, and I’ll admit, I handled it a bit poorly. I was very stern with him, I made him put anything he could possibly hurt himself with in a box and put in his garage, asking him what his mom or sister would think, stuff like that. After all that, M and I weren’t friends anymore.

A and I got together, and I did genuinely love her, but I messed up. I ghosted her for days on end, and then realized I didn’t want to be with him. I told him to just give me some time, and on Monday, I explained to her why I wanted to break up. I didn’t feel like it was fair for either of us to stay in a relationship where one didn’t want to stay or where the love was gone.

I guess A really didn’t like that, because she went back to R. And R had A forward this stupid paragraph into the group chat with everyone, formatted the EXACT same way he would put his lore entries. And then A left the group.

A few weeks or so later, I was approached by W saying that R wanted to talk to me.

What R wanted was to “not leave me behind”, and I realized a lot of things I did were because I was hurt and felt betrayed. So, I apologized for things.

I also tried to apologize to A and M. Because M and I were so close already, we welcomed each other with open arms. But A wasn’t quick to forgive. She gave me hell. She wanted me to change, but I don’t think he understood that I have already changed. In the past five years of my life, I’ve changed so much because of life events and my friends. They’ve shaped me into who I am, and I’m a better person than who I was five years ago.

A had only seen the changed me, but wanted me to change again. I couldn’t do it. So I sent A a final message explaining it all, how I couldn’t check my phone in fear of it being more notifications from her, how I missed two days of school in a row because my anxiety was so bad, how I had broken down multiple times just crying because of it. And she backed off.

M and I are still friends as of now, thankfully.

But R and A backed off, for a total of five days.

Five. Days.

In the span of five days, R and A decided that I needed to be cut out of their lives again, they sent me their final goodbye messages, and when I didn’t respond, they asked our mutual friend Z to ask me if I had read them.

I’m not even mad or upset about them leaving me again, I’m mad that they willingly, WILLINGLY let me back into their lives for a few days, R with open arms as well, only to flip on a dime and decide I’m a piece of shit human being. R in his final message said talking to me was like talking to an AI, insulted the issues I have with my mother (saying “We get it, mommy doesn’t love you”), and saying why even bother talking to me about it because I’d just forget.

A on the other hand, insulted my character, me as a person, and told me what I opened this post with.

I knew that M had tried to commit twice, but apparently R had tried as well and I never knew nor was I made aware, and I guess A had tried as well.

I knew nothing of those two trying.

So how could I have apologized or even began to feel remorse for something I didn’t know about?

I don’t know man, I’m just a dumb 16 year old who’s dealing with a lot of shit. I should be outside, growing up and having fun, but instead I deal with this. Whenever something bad happens in my life I say that “You’re only 16, one day, you’ll look back on this and laugh, you have time.”

But A never liked me saying that.

Sorry for this being so long, I’m probably not even gonna tag it. If it reaches you, then it reaches you.

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