3445poems

[3445poems]

Fuck Me Literally

i applied for my first apartment in the same week that i bought my first sex toy

i used some of the money that my dad had gifted me for food delivery on my “buy 15 dollars worth of merchandise get 50% off and a free vibrating rabbit”

both of these accomplishments were spur of the moment, and happened on my phone.

for one of them i fell backwards out of my anti-suicide college dorm chair- i’ll let you decide which

when i was a kid i would plan my whole life out using pinterest boards and vague areas of google maps i found pretty

i dreamed of moving to places like london or paris and growing up and having adult responsibilities

which everyone would always tell me i would regret wanting

i dont “find joy” in being an adult anymore, no.

i have meltdowns making phone calls,

my first apartment tour just a day after my first apartment application haunted me until i tossed and turned enough in my bed to write this poem.

i think i wanted to rip adulthood off like a bandaid

i couldn’t procrastinate growing up any longer,

distract myself with childhood games and ignore the welling inside of me maturing and needing and desiring

the kid part of me is still in power

because to her nothing is more scary than having to call the doctors office on your own

to write your own “out sick” emails

and advise your other 11 year old friends on what to do when the boys in your grade are already suffering from alcohol poisoning during your middle school dance class

i try to be really forgiving of her even though her

actions still keep me tossing and turning

like a vampire at my grave

ill never forget how she even had to take the responsibility to get a sleep study for her insomnia- to which her mother responded by saying it was “up to you” to get it done

her parents procrastinated being parents

when i didn’t go to the dentist for 9 years

and finally returned unlucky enough to have the same dentist as i did when i was 9

they told me i had perfect teeth

and that i was in great shape other than some plaque

i instinctively informed her of my hardships and “im in treatment but not on meds anymore” and “not to worry because i have plans to take care of myself”

i spent 30 dollars on a discounted crystal dildo, lube, and a stimulation vibrator

[3445poems]

pachamama

do i even have the right to use your name?

concrete walls and terrible, great structures

i stare at them in awe

something so powerful yet dead

so of this mortal body that holds me tightly

pachamama

do i have the right to love you still?

i am away from my place, from the places

of my parents and theirs

i find your love in cracks in my sidewalks

my fleeting mind questions your greatness

in something as fallible as a reflection

pachamama

do you leave your mark on me?

i cannot hear your calls, but my shape

is crosshatched with thin skin like your river heart

i am sorry i create my masters

when i know you are my mother

i am sorry that my needs have become my prisoner,

the needs you gifted me

to fight, feed, move, think

i know it is not my fault that my fate

is set out for me,

i am only sorry it is not the one you gave me

so gently

[3445poems]

im worried my mom might kill my dog

im worried my mom might kill my dog

not out of malice or something sick and twisted

well, maybe sick

but on accident

there have been a lot of accidents lately

a cut a fall a picture frame

lost papers and memories buried in a junk drawer

i try to sort and organize them before we have to bring them out for funerals

peaches is an anxious thing

she won’t walk on tile

and she wont drink out of anything except her

calcium encrusted water bowl

she’s fifteen now

older than 56 in dog years

i start to wonder what age really looks like

which lines and wrinkles are ones from experience

and which ones are from other things

i have a big wrinkle on my forehead

i’ve had it since i first noticed it, too young

i hide it behind bangs that make me look

just like mom

the other day it was christmas

my sister cried and i threw up the drink i had to make the thought of peaches dying feel better

shes old, but she still acts young

what felt like the next day was new years

and i threw up again

i cant keep the shit down anymore

my mom, however, isnt like me or the dog

she wont eat anything, like peach

and she can only drink without throwing up

she falls on the tile

and she doesnt run around the yard

and she doesn’t fill the dogs water bowl

the lifegiver, my mother, to think i have to worry about

her killing them both

[3445poems]

guinea pigs are afraid of everything

its not your fault that i falter

youre a harmless boot

to an ant with poison

dont let it swallow itself whole

you pour yourself into a pit

hoping to stop having to pour someday

youre like an angel

am i making you fall

im sorry i am work

im sorry for my parents

forgive them if you cant

forgive me first

my selfishness will not stop

at groans in the morning

you take me serious

i can’t tell the joke

pull me apart from the inside

out to the cold

throw me out like an old dog

let me be at your feet

tell me what you want

i will do it

dont die

dont leave

dont listen to me

dont yell

guinea pigs are afraid of everything