409ivil

[409ivil]

God forbid i forget one thing out of everything I have to remember for this fucking family. After its ME who has all the responsibility on the shoulders to make sure appointments are met,bills are paid or bills need to be pushed back so we can have a decent weekend. ME. I don't get to sleep in on my days off. I sleep from 12am-530am,that's my me time. God forbid I pray my kids stay asleep as long as possible because that's my only other fucking free time i to have to myself. When's the last time someone made me breakfast, lunch or dinner!? When's the last time someone asked me what all my favorite things are so I get something I actually enjoy on my birthday. Fuck you.

[409ivil]

these past 5 months have been hell. My hell I guess I should say. As "they" say, someone always has it worse than you. Which is all in all a fact. I've had to move twice, within 3 of those months. losing my shit towards everyone,because my mental health is just everywhere is the worst. As I've become older my brain has been rewired or something. I'm more irritable, less patient, my anger is a whole nother story. Or have I always been like this and just now seeing it? Idk. I feel like. .no scratch that. I DO choose working over my kids because fuck if I didn't we'd be fucking homeless&eating crackers and cheese every night. I have no fucking friends(mainly because life.) and the 2 I'm closest to I feel like I don't even know anymore and thats no one's fault( its just fucking life). And now I have an ant problem, (unknown 2st world problems)just when I thought I could catch a fucking break. Idk what's keeping me here. At times I ask myself why am I even still here. . my kids would be good without me,they got a good dad and amazing grandparents. But there's so much I haven't experienced with them,so much I still want to teach them. So much hurt that would cause them *raises fist to the universe*

[409ivil]

had the weirdest dream. I have to write it out before I forget. . . I was like knocked out. I can't tell if I'm at a party&passed out from like drinking or what, IDK but I could see a little bit,like my eyes are almost ahit but no quite. its blurry but I couldn't move and I was laying down; idk what on. and someone is just slowly moving my legs like to spread them and then I slowly feel my bottoms coming off. then I feel one leg like getting bent, like bending my knee and now they're taking off my panties through one leg. Then,my head's kind of looking left, so from my peripheral view I just see like a person figure and never really see their face They just kind of look like a dark figure. I can't move, I can feel what's happening,I can't speak. then somebody else like enters the area but they don't do anything and i hear deep voices. Ican't make out what they're saying. They leave, I think. I don't feel nothing touch me in any way after that. I don't feel my clothes come back on and then all of a sudden my man comes in from taking a shower I wake up and it's almost 7 a.m. fucking weird. And when I do remember my dreams, it's always something fucking weird but it's never been like THAT. I have never dreamt something like that before. IDK I just thought it was weird. k bye.

[409ivil]

[409ivil]

It's crazy to see how someone can brainwash a child. To go && umm;; whats the word. . Gaslight (?) Them is🤯 . Maybe too strong of word there🤔 I mean what's happening is not normal behavior. Is it just my crazy pov? I wish I had a professional, "expert" if you may,,unbiased-eyed to see into this whole shitshow.

[409ivil]

Today has been a phuckin day, this week has been a fucking week;;&it's only Tuesday. My brain can't process all this. I can't process all this. How do I process all this?!

[409ivil]

" i mean, would you really?"

as i look at myself in the mirror again

[409ivil]

*exhales