8-n3znetwork

[8-n3znetwork]

Lost

I lay on the floor gazing at the stars, appreciating all the things that I see and the thought that I'll only get this small moment of beauty. I know I will only be here and now, unknown, and countless moments without me.

Next, i take another breathe, letting time pass me by as the stars change to a single bright and warming one. I stay lying letting time pass me by, letting moments happen while I exist here in awe...

when do I get up?

Do I get up here?

maybe this is what is meant for me..?

There may be more around the bend.

Then I see a hand, do I grab it?

did I grab it?

Until next time...

[8-n3znetwork]

Perspective

I've recently tried to see things from every angel to maybe find things I've missed. Correct myself, look inwards at what led me to where I am now.

I keep fighting with myself and actions I've decided to take, not quite regret but worried. I take actions that feel selfish because I'm told that I deserve to be a bit selfish. That I deserve to look out for myself.

So I started to search what could it mean. Why do I feel so conflicted?

THOSE WHOSE ACTIONS MAKE THEM HEROES IN TIMES OF WAR, MIGHT UNDER OTHER CIRCUMSTANCES, BE BRANDED AS MURDERERS

Thus I accept whatever becomes of myself. If I am to be seen as a villain or hero. May the reader decide with whatever they are given where I fit.

To my future self, remember the scars that got you to where you are. May you keep carving away until it's greatness you see

[8-n3znetwork]

Until death came and hugged me

Life seems to take pleasure in beating me until a breaking point.

I have lost my once booming voice, beckoning for those around me to listen and be inspired. Instead now a desperate yell for help.

But I have moved to a soundproof booth, a room where no sound escapes, for it's in my mind...

I keep breaking the walls and moving the arrangement, now it's as if there is a whole community of houses, expansive beyond one's sight. Taking it all in and appreciating the leaky faucets.

With this expanse, it should be comforting, yet I continue to question what if I didn't expand and just continued in the darkness that I have become so synonymous with?

Instead, i still see the darkness and continue to try and build around it. Trapped in this endless expanse that before i took soulless in.

I have always seen death as a new birth a new start, yet perspective can change it from silver lining to dread.

I don't embrace but i can feel her warmth as if just waiting for when i am ready. Will i ever be, have i ever been?

Instead, i try to convince her the beauty of how cold life can feel

I just hope that it will continue to be that and our conversations are ever just that and i still have much longer until that embrace.

-TheGateKeeper

[8-n3znetwork]

The greatest showmen...

Told to do our best, hear the cheers and applause lifting us to ever greater heights. The shows must go on, through rough patches or personal excitement I must put on a show.

Slowly the stage got bigger and the audience grew, if nothing else I could count on the ones asking to put on a show...

But slowly that show isnt one they wanted to watch, So I changed, trial and error... right?

Time after time, less activity. No more sell-outs...

"I know ill get a partner, give myself time to relax"

It worked, things were great doing better than I was only and we together were bonded.

But as always we will fall to the same problem, but we only have so many solutions. Slowly from a one-person show to the team, we have now.

It work right? Well, we dont hear anything. Critics rant and rave equally when we do good as when we only have ourselves as the audience.

Those who pushed for better shows, asked for new acts, wanted new faces... they are no longer even watching.

So we find ourselves asking, when did we all get lost? What show do we put on next? Not knowing who to perform and all agreeing the show must go on.

So to the greatest showmen...

A round of applause, who knows if this is their final act.

-8_N3Z/Xion

[8-n3znetwork]

Foolish tactioner

Falling, not going back or taking steps the wrong way...

Just getting pushed back down, reaching my hand up hoping that it will be grabbed and ill be helped up then dusted off.

But no. Just, no...

What do i do now? I let myself be walked over to stop conflict, let the daily hurt stack up continue giving the time that's asked for...

Because im trying to atone... Showing with actions that I am changing and was wrong. But now, while trying to atone I just have my own insecurities amplified and boundaries are broken just like me...

Just like me, broken shattered; mere remanence of what once was

But its okay, we all know how strong I am. That will be my downfall... This mindset that I can attack this battlefield like the tactioner I think I am or die trying, but worry ill just be KIA...

Scrambled, just vomits of emotions and thoughts because I don't know how to fully feel okay. Moving skeletons in my closet to try and shove myself in and disappear until forgotten...

I wonder the lengths and have questions that I shouldn't ask... Instead, ill push forward and do my best to enjoy the moments of clarity I have

No matter what happens, i love you

Catch ya on the flip side

-8_N3Z/TheGateKeeper

[8-n3znetwork]

Playing on loop

Hyper analyze, learn everything. BE BETTER...

We are, right? Little by little sitting from the side lines, watching as construction and building happens...

But ideas, thoughts after changes are made make us put another coat over it... Make it even better we think. PERFECTION!

Now, i know thats unobtainable. But it plays on loop...

The moments that have gotten us here, the things that have shattered up. More realizations then before... Over and over and over.

So frequently i havent gotten the chance to poke fun, make life just a little hard put some out there thought because we cant brainstorm instead... I get the pleasure of straightening the wheel, hiding the knives, keeping pills hidden and other small details.

Im pretty mean most times but i know when to ease up on them and I also play a part in "beeg" brain thoughts to entertain us. that no longer happens...

Its tiring fronting without a purpose other than keeping us alive, not to talk or have my own bit of fun in some weird fucked up way. That was his Job.

But hey i can relive this stuff all day, grab popcorn and watch the moments endlessly. They bother me but don't effect

So alone in these moments ill continue to sit until another day passes or someone gets over it

Think ill end it here, these promises can be a pain...

Catch ya on the flip side, never forget we love you

-TheGateKeeper

[8-n3znetwork]

The demon sleeping next to you

The monsters in the closet, the one under the bed, the ones in your head... they are drowned out now, why?

Its because the demon next to you will wake and fight them, bloody and beaten it will continue to fight. Making sure what it was blessed with doedoesn'tsnt suffer

Now...sleeping...empty...waking to be beaten. Why defend itself when all it sees it the blood, reminded ... remember you are a demon

Your lost, trying to redefine things. But the more you think, what was it again...

Beauty, elegance, what it means to be graceful. The inception of how you saw these were all from the goddess willing to take a broken and beaten demon like you...

So how do we redefine this...

They made you love yourself because you could defend them, giving you some sort of purpose...

so now what..?

We love you...

- Xion, TheGatekeeper, 8_N3Z, Wraith

[8-n3znetwork]

How long until i lose my voice?

We all seem to be sitting this boat, biting our tongue(s) not saying what's on our mind...

I wonder if what's going through our mind is similar to someone's? We want to talk, we are broken.

We are so broken every day feels so long, like it's not just one of us dealing anymore. It's so much exhaustion and this is the only place we sort of get a place. Mostly just the front trying to spill and if they can also talk for others...

But how long will this work? When, if anytime will we end up biting our tongue off? What happens then... When we stop trying to be nice to everyone else and say things..?

"Stop, you shouldn't deal with that.

Don't tell me to block them...

Why?

How long?

What if this is the last time we talk? "

All things i want to say to people, but i cant. Or i guess better... I shouldn't.

So we fight, just us. Some wanting to say, some wanting to admit what's going on... some frustrated that were here...

We worry if one of these will end up being the last... Voices silenced, no longer able just on autopilot...

Maybe just a good night's it's rest will fix it right, but how do you dose that. Do we trust ourselves to try..?

We no longer have trust here, its breaking down bit by bit...

Please, don't let it happen...

Thank you...

Were here.

Were sorry.

Were lost...

So, to next time..?

We will always love you

-Xion , TheGateKeeper , 8_N3Z

[8-n3znetwork]

Needed...

This desire and lust to be needed, to be useful or even just used. It's sickening but this is safe, it's secure, demanding but purposeful.

So when it's gone what do you do, walk around asking to be used? Who wants the left overs, the scraps, something slightly used? Do I clean myself up and look "refurbished"...

Still then what? Who wants something that isn't brand new, the reject that is defective?

How do I cope with the fact that... I like to be used...

Use me, abuse me, give me purpose, allow me to hurt, and remind me that I'm alive...

I'll suffer because it's better then marking myself, making onlookers worry. Even worse... I hurt them.

They didn't do this, I did it to us...

So I'll swim in this endless ocean, waiting for something. Maybe I'll wash up on an island and be useful? Maybe someone will take me aboard and I'll become a part of a crew?

Guess we will see, for now I'll continue drifting... Fighting for just a small amount of time, or wait until I'm needed even if it's just for a small moment in this endless escape

So need me... Use me... Want, me...

Just remember we love you, catch you on the flip side

-8_N3Z

[8-n3znetwork]

Tame me

A monster under your bed? The blur in the corner of your eye? The eyes you feel watching you maybe?

You've been mistaken for so long, the picture of me is demonic. Uncontrollable, unstable, and soul sucking...

Sure they fit, but it's not the full story you know that don't you? Now you recognize us again, we're working together in our own fucked up way...

So why can't you just lock us back up? Is it because you don't want to be alone? What is it that keeps you from just pushing it all away?

YOU DID IT BEFORE!

So what's different, hmm; hmm why not just push them all out isolate yourself again.

Hell make it so I go through it alone again, it'll be another challenge but I got through it the first time. So try me...

I won't break, I can't break, tame me, use me, give me worth again... Give us worth...

I guess let's see what happens, how many more sleepless nights, how much time is left...

I'll be here waiting until next time, where I need to be the one pulling the blade from your hand, shoving a finger down our throat...

Guess it's a fitting name...

Just, remember we love you

-TheGateKeeper

[8-n3znetwork]

I hope i say this right

When you think of me, what do you see? Is it a sturdy home, something that you know you can take a load off as if it will be a forever home? Like it never need repair as if money was never the question?

I wonder... I question but have a good idea of what it looks like...

Though we cannot see...

The doors are always open, welcoming those who may need what we can provide. When no guests are there... what happens... well wouldnt that be fun to see?

Its a rebuild, not fixing cracks. No, Its tare it down rebuild every part make it better. Make it a place people dont want to leave...

Its kinda of awe inspiring sometimes but i know, with me here there will still be issues. But im not leaving im as much a part of the foundation as they are. So...

Remember, we will sheild you until your stay is no longer needed, but when/if you come back it may be a little different but its the same at its core... The food, the love, care, attention to detail. Its all there...

So until next time, ill let him bleed until something changes. Just hope he survives... i cant do much this time.

Lets see what built this time what new additions are there and what is brought to make it look better, but peel that wallpaper and check the kitchen staff. Then tell me this is a nice place...

Its weird getting to be the one to talk, I wonder if anyone gets to actually see this.. Hi whoever u may be, lets have fun right?

Like we've said, no matter what happens.. We love you

-TheGateKeeper

[8-n3znetwork]

Am i actually your poison?

You have let me sit here and play my games, never once stepping up to my decisions, why change now. Ive made you a monster, LIKE A GIANT, doesnt it feel good to grin? Watch it burn and warm you, get close to the flame, Why dont you...?

Ahh right because im toxic, im bad, i embody your bad side right? Then why cant you die? Why do you have me take over when things are rough? Why let me front when it gets hard? Am i supposed to be emotionless...

'Cause im not, i have standards and my own set of how i like to see things happen. I play mind games sure, but i want them to solve them.

But no im just bad and the poison in your system right? Pfft no your too afraid to admit you like some of the things i do, you dont want to embrace this side and use me to your advantage so you make me self-destruct and lash out... Pushing away those you love...

So tell me over and over again how its me who does this, i can be your greatest ally. I have been playing games lately have i? Ive been good, so why are you at my throat and not your own?

Yea thats what i thought, just try and lock me up... I guess ill catch ya on the flip side when im the one pulling the knife away, making you throw up, go home or get off the ledge.

But dont judge me, when im more than what anyone sees...

No matter what happens we love you

- TheGateKeeper

[8-n3znetwork]

My inspiration

It's hard, seeing him front and work just trying to make sense of it all...

He's scared isolated and faking everything, not allowing himself to be open to any emotion. He's robotic and just going through the motions

I'm scared...

He's never been like this...

He was the protector, at least that's what we were all told..?

So now what, I don't know how or what I feel. Maybe I'm suddenly lost? But in so many ways still inspired and floating from her...

She made things around me suddenly make me want to describe all intricacies to see that sparkle and get lost in the universe of her eyes...

But now... I hope to at least get a hi sometimes, I hope everyone doesn't forget me.

I worry, he's going to "protect" me like he has for years again, just having me be a background character...

But I'm going to fight and push because I want to still have conversations and let her be my inspiration, I only hope she is okay...

How do I ask, how do I start to, what can I do when it's "us"?

Maybe she'll see this, if you do... Remember and never forget the door is here and you are the only one with the key to it. I meant all the things I said, and thank you for my dinosaur. It's going to be a forever treasure even if he doesn't know why.

We still love you and will always have your back, our door is always open if you gotta crash on the couch.

So no matter what happens, we love you

- Xion

[8-n3znetwork]

A letter to a younger mind

My coworker asked... "what would you tell your younger self about love?"

At first I wanted to talk about small things a partner or yourself can do to make things better but after a while the best thing I found was to be okay with getting hurt...

I went on to say, that you must be okay with being hurt and at some point someone will come along who is willing for any amount of hurt that you may cause will be okay because they will do the same...

Now you both with rarely intend for hurt, just like when you ride a bike; you didn't get on expecting to scrape your knee but you accepted it as a part of getting better.

So to a younger mind (younger me) don't be afraid to hurt...

This will never change how much it hurts or make lonely nights any less lonely but peace will come, healing will come and you will continue the hurt doesn't make you...

So hurt....

Always remember no matter what happens, I love you

[8-n3znetwork]

The checkpoint

You lost, this time just seems to much and you've fallen. Not quite yet completely defeated but the battles decided...

Now it's okay, if this battle ends up being the final stand and you don't survive to try again then in the brief moment before you go, realize the others whole also lost here and are ready to embrace you no one will shame you...

Please, you may hear, one more time... Maybe you push again

But for those who are willing to try again, get knocked down, set back or forced to go back. You reset, reset to the time that came up while reading this. The brief moments before the fight, this is your checkpoint and I'm here to remind you that.

You will fail each time learning something even if all it is, is how to last a bit longer in battle not necessarily to overcome...

But no matter how many times, how many lives used or how far back your checkpoint... You never go behind it...

Remember that, when you blood pools you feel like the last breathe is in sight, you never go behind that point! YOU MADE IT SO FAR; you have come so far...

So rest, come up with a game plane, maybe wonder around until you find gear better suiting you for battle or maybe you find someone who can support you in battle...

I can't be there, but I can offer my strength. You are not alone and though tougher battles may be fought in the future, look at the ones overcome. Your party will grow and shrink, or even at times you'll be alone but ever battle makes you a bit stronger a bit wiser.

So to this checkpoint I bless them all, they know I've been at mine for what feels like eternity. In case you continue onwards, remember going and revisiting can help with new ways. Old friends can show you new things...

I poor a glass for you, and will be waiting here; if you don't come back then take my strength...

No matter what happens, I love you

[8-n3znetwork]

Why am i only like this in my head?

I craft stories and say things in my head that would be percieved as art to some or very beautiful. But its only to me, and here; an outburst of my mind and consciousness that i cant full understand...

A part that i see and feel is there yet only comes out when i feel...

I dont know how to begin describing the feeling, its not one but i cant put into words all of them.

I feel lost and "confused" in many ways but that's okay right? i dont need the answers always. I need to be okay with just feeling?!?!

But why am i drawn to writing? Why do i want the attention to my words and head?

I find myself casting messages in a bottle, drifting along into the cosmos to try and see if maybe they will bring inspiration to someone.

Maybe i write to show that in some ways i do love myself, but it just, like many other aspects of myself is just a contradiction.

I feel this pullover aspect of myself that i perceive as good and bad yet they add up to me. Im doing my best to accept, but i need to grieve...

I feel like there will never be the right way to explain my head nor if my head is even "right". So i cast this out to you the reader/listener, that hopefully you understand and maybe feel that you arent alone.

Ill catch ya on the flip side and until then no matter what happens i love you

[8-n3znetwork]

Its not just in your head

Ill start by saying youre not alone, i was tempted by death too...

In fact moments before writing this i said hello again, a firm handshake from death followed by a warm embrace telling me its not my time. Reminding me i have promises but those no longer matter. Death told me you have fuzzy ones who need you...

So life embraced me again a cold shoulder, of sorts and now i sit here in a place between life and death where all the light has gone. So i sit here in the dark allowing myself to just sit and maybe i can still create something.

No matter who may be reading and no matter what happens i love you because the sad fact is your not alone and im not the only one by your side.

Ill catch ya on the flip side...

- I want to continue but it will just be rambles so until next time