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I don't write anymore because I've finally found someone who listens when I speak

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still forever not okay with having a vag

genuinely upset at catholic upbringing for making me hate all of the sexual areas of my body when i am such a big fan of sexuality

i will never do this to my daughters

i will never do this to my sons

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WHAT ART MEANS TO ME / WHY I DO WHAT I DO

Under the cut and on this blog because I am embarrassed of how serious this is

I started making comics when I was five years old. I have the sketchbooks to prove it. I have been making comics since I first developed the motor skills to put the rude delineation of a panel down onto a page. I have been making comics for fifteen years now. I have never stopped. 

I started making comics when my dad bought me my first comic book. It was an Archie Comics double digest from the check out counter of the grocery store. I was five years old. I had just learned to read. I still remember the exact wording of the first syndicated six-page strip in that book. Dad used to buy them for my sister as well, but I would steal hers and study every detail of every panel of every page for hours until, finally, my parents found themselves buying two of every copy and labeling them with our names to satiate us both. Eventually, my sister grew out of comics. I did not.

Archie comics opened my world up in a way that children's books never did. Here were stories with pictures and actions and life and here was a means of making other people laugh and feel and experience in a way that Green Eggs and Ham, with its static images and minimal dialogue, would never be able to. At five years old I felt the difference. Before comic books, I would collect every edition of Berenstein Bears and read them again and again and touch the pages and feel frustration that I could not understand. After comic books, I drew every day. And I was happy. And I filled up notebook after notebook with characters stolen and names changed--Harry Potter, Calvin and Hobbes, Archie Comics themselves. Eventually I learned to create worlds of my own. And I never stopped.

I have had moments, between five and twenty years old, wherein I convince myself that my deep attachment to this beautiful medium and the feelings that I experienced when I was first introduced to it mean absolutely nothing. (It is a dying field. It is impossible to break into. I am not good enough. I have never even been to art class. I know nothing.) I have had moments wherein I take out all of the notebooks I filled between kindergarten and the eighth grade and I cry because of the excitement and the yearning and the desperation in the pages. I have had moments wherein that desperation resurfaces and I realize that all that I want, all that I really really truly want, is to do this forever. I want to touch people and make them laugh and feel and experience. I want to open worlds. I have had moments where I think I can.

I work hard to make my dream a reality, but I am so scared. I am so, so scared that it will never happen for me.  I am afraid that I will waste my time and never have a real job and never make any real money and never be happy and I will always live here with my parents and everyone will think of me as a failure and squandered potential and a person who did not accomplish anything with her life.

But no one will ever say that I gave up on my dreams.

Art is work. Art is years of hard work. Art is hours and hours of me sitting alone in my room redrawing the same line again and again because this character's shoulder is not expressing the emotion he is feeling inside his head and this character's eyebrow does not fit with her personal background and the story I have created for her in mine. Art is me crying because I am so afraid. Art is me staying up until 3:00 in the morning studying the way that the dresser in front of me curves against my eyes and the way that the lighting changes on my face when I press my hand against the lightbulb. Art is a culmination of every experience and every inadequacy I have ever felt in my life.

When I put pen to paper, I leave my soul in the lines. I present to you, my audience, every insecurity and every hope and every dream I have ever held in my heart since that day in the supermarket at five years old and I offer it up to you knowing full well that you may dash it all to pieces. I do this every day because I want to open your world. I have to do this. I am doing it for both of us. One day I will make you understand. One day I will touch your heart.

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sex rant / do not read if you do not want to read a rant about sex

under the cut

sex is the one thing that as human beings we are definitely supposed to do. it is the one and only thing that we are legitimately wired and mechanized to participate in. people are supposed to have sex. (granted, people are supposed to have sex so that people can get pregnant and make smaller people in order to perpetuate the human race but whatever the bottom line here is that sex is natural and necessary and a tiny miracle in and of itself.)

i was talking to a nameless and genderless friend and / or relative tonight who very reluctantly started to tell me about his / her fetishes and was worried that i was going to judge him / her about them and so was really quiet and shy and beat-around-the-bush-y but i was just so interested and excited and so so grateful to hear about this person's experience of sexuality. i always love hearing about other people's experiences and perceptions of sexuality. eventually we started to talk about other things like when two consenting adults scat play or hit each other in the face or asphyxiate or what have you and how it's all beautiful and exciting and wonderful because it's sex and sex is beautiful and exciting and wonderful. all of sex is. it's like magic, and it's incredible. 

it just makes me really sad that we as a society consider it a bad thing and that 90% of the people around me won't talk about it or that they even associate sex with sin or shame when that sex is had outside of marriage. sex for sex is just as beautiful as sex for love. sex between two consenting adults is always beautiful.

i have only had sex with one person, and that didn't happen until i was nineteen years old. i did not plan for this to happen and this was not my choice (believe me) because i don't place any importance on virginity and i don't think that virginity is a standard by which to judge other people. i am much more impressed by the idea of a person having explored their sexuality to the fullest with one or plenty of other people than i am by the idea of a person abstaining from sex completely in the hopes of finding one single prince charming to have sex with for the rest of their life. right now i only feel comfortable having sex with my partner but if i did not currently have one monogamous partner / if i had never started this relationship in the first place you had better believe i would be having consensual sex with as many people as i wanted to whenever i wanted to and however many nights in a row as i wanted to. exploring your own sexuality is something that i think is incredibly important, and whether a person wants to do that entirely on their own or with one partner whom they love and trust or with four people at once or forty people in a week is none of anyone's business. no one should ever have to feel ashamed of the way that they conduct their own sexual activity. 

it is absolutely not wrong to have sex. have sex. i implore you to have sex, with whoever you want and as many whoevers as you want and in any way that you want to. figure out your sexuality and how you work and how your body works and make peace with it and love it and express yourself. please do not restrict yourself because of the way that our culture and society tells us, especially us females, that we must fall on either end of a line separating the pure and innocent Taylor Swifts from the skanky whore Rihannas. None of us have to be virgins, and none of us are ever skanky whores. Just do what you want and love your body in every way that you possibly can before you get married to someone who has completely different sexual interests and dynamics from you because sex and communication are the most important parts of a relationship and just please god have sex and figure yourself out you will not regret it trust me and stop judging other people GOD PLEASE I IMPLORE YOU SEX IS A GOOD THING TRUST ME EVERYBODY DOES IT EXCEPT THE POPE BUT HE RETIRED SO HE IS PROBABLY DOING IT RIGHT NOW OK

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LISTEN EVERYBODY

posting without a source is unfortunately pretty common, but it doesn’t have to be.  with a few minutes of hunting, you can make sure the artists you like get credit for their work! :)  hope this is helpful.

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"graduation" "finals" "life"

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my food intake for the entirety of july 12th, 2011

1 plum; 30, 0.2 f, 7.5 c, 0.5 p

1 nectarine; 62, 0.4 f, 15.1 c, 1.5 p

2 chewy bars; 180, 3 f, 38 c, 2 p

muscle milk; 160, 5 f, 20 c, 10 p

Chicken wing; 64, 4 f, 1 c, 6 p

1 nectarine; 62, 0.4 f, 15.1 c, 1.5 p 

558 13 g fat 86.7 g carbs 21.5 g protein

sometimes i look back at the food blog i kept and feel really ashamed of it lol. i think that i would still be sick if it weren't for that kid trey, he is such a nice guy, really. also i would like to clarify that any and all weight i have ever lost has been 100% in a healthy manner because when i ate like this i lost nothing and usually gained or stagnated at the very best??? so there we go that initial 40 lbs was definitely hard work and dedication to a healthy lifestyle it was only after when i thought i could make it go faster and more that it stopped working and i started eating less and less and less until it wasn't about being healthy anymore

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you look so good to me

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goddamn my singing faces

original song that i wrote for ukulele that is called "my dear"

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i knew a boy once who wanted to call me mommy and he was two years older than me um

sexuality is beautiful and fluid but my sexuality is not THAT fluid

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me, all of the time

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I want cute anons that wonder about my life and ask me nice things and tell me jokes and funny stories and ask me for advice