a-desperate-scream

[a-desperate-scream]

Mom hasn’t bought meds in over a year, so let’s hope I don’t die from expired anxiety pills.

[a-desperate-scream]

Times up.

[a-desperate-scream]

It’s 4am and I can’t sleep. I’m being eaten alive by guilt and anxiety. Things are peaceful now, but for how long? He’s going to ask eventually. I find myself never looking into the future past January. It’s like my brain has subconsciously decided that February is the point of no return. After February things will never be the same.

...

My birthday’s at the end of February.

...

This is the first time I’ve dreaded it.

[a-desperate-scream]

I don’t feel safe in my own home.

[a-desperate-scream]

Why do I get yelled at whenever I show an emotion?

[a-desperate-scream]

I can still manage to extend my time just a little further.

If I just sprinkle in a couple more lies.....

[a-desperate-scream]

I’m running out of time.

I’m running out of time I’m running out of time I’m running out of time I’m running out of time I’m running out of time I’m running out of time I’m running out of time

He’s going to find out.

My house of cards is about to fall.

I have nowhere to run.

.......

I want to run.

[a-desperate-scream]

[a-desperate-scream]

They’re fighting again.

[a-desperate-scream]

this one is for the neurodivergents

[a-desperate-scream]

[a-desperate-scream]

Big Rant 1

I need to lay out what’s been going on with my life. Not that anyone’s reading, but just to summarize. Get my thoughts in line.

I have ADD. I have a sister with ADHD. We get along fine, and our family seems understanding and accommodating. At first.

I’m pretty sure my mom has some form of ADD, but she’s so used to being pushed around and told her problems are insignificant, she firmly believes she should just power through it. That it’s normal and not something worth struggling over. She has to give excuses to anyone she sees as to why she’s doing something she enjoys instead of something ‘productive’. Feels like unless she went above and beyond, she wasted the day. She’s a preschool teacher. Her coworkers aren’t nice to her. She still makes meals for us. She hates cooking at this point. I try to help. It’s not enough, I don’t think.

My sister is a kind girl. Older than me by two years. I love her. I’m scared of being a copy of her. She’s smart, talented, determined, and incredibly creative. She can make friends online. She has more online friends than local friends. She hates looking at herself. She’s usually the peacemaker among her friends, but frequently fights with our dad. I’m scared of dad.

Dad thinks that our family is run like a company, and we are his employees. We run on his schedule. We wake when he wants. We eat when he wants. We work when he wants. Even if we made plans. He acknowledges that my sister and I have ADD/ADHD. In name. He claims all our symptoms are excuses. As a child he constantly told my sister to “stop flapping”, which years later we learned was her stimming, she would flap her hands when she was excited. We were told not to talk about our interests, or current hyperfixations, because no one would care or understand. Whenever I was stressed, overwhelmed, or scared, I used to cry frequently. Now I’m terrified of showing any emotion. I go numb. ‘Crocodile tears’, he called them.

He has a very bad temper. If he’s mad or frustrated, he yells at us. About how our room isn’t clean, or we don’t have a job yet, or we aren’t doing something productive at the moment. If he can’t yell at us, he gets mad at mom for not making us do things. At the same time, he says he loves us, and that he gets frustrated because he cares. I’m scared of him.

I’m worried for mom.

I’m worried for my sister.

I’m scared of dad.

I’m worried about me.

[a-desperate-scream]

It won’t all be poetry. I like using poetry because it makes all the stress seem more pretty. Symbolic. I just need a place to vent. I don’t even know if it’s safe to vent here.

[a-desperate-scream]

Follow the tracks

Follow the tracks, follow the tracks.

The tracks will lead you forward.

The tracks will lead you to your future.

Trust the tracks.

Follow the tracks.

Do not stray from the tracks.

The tracks are there to keep you safe.

You are lost without the tracks.

You will fail without the tracks.

Follow the tracks.

The tracks will not wait for you.

Keep up with the tracks.

Don’t stumble, or the tracks will drag you along.

Even if you are not ready, you must stay with the tracks.

Follow the tracks.

Follow them, even if you’re scared.

Follow them, even if you don’t want to.

Follow them, even if it hurts.

Follow them, even if you want to go another way.

Follow the tracks.

Follow the tracks.

Follow the tracks...

After all, you don’t want to disappoint them, do you?