a-emptydoll-world

[a-emptydoll-world]

Tonight, I wrote my suicide notes. 1 to put on the door so no one walks in on me without being aware. 1 to put in the room, in a little envelope next to me. Soon, it'll end.

April the 7th, 2020

[a-emptydoll-world]

Who am I?

I am not the doll, who nods and creaks at its curious joints, performing for all the humans. I am not the soul, who has long since dissipated, flying high before we sank so low. Yet here I am, in the corners of the night, in the flashes of our dreams. Here I am, and yet, I know not what nor who it is that is here, for I have always lurked, yet never risen. The doll stays still in the night, yet a glint of fear lights in its eye at the things I plan and think. And so, if I am such that a part has left and a part yet fears, then truly I know not and so I ask you. Who am I?

-??

[a-emptydoll-world]

Silly, Silly Doll

The doll actually tried to vent to someone today, how absolutely hilarious! Absolute trainwreck, it ended up comforting the person it vented to. What a silly little doll *pat pat* I keep telling it people don't want to listen. No, they just want to pretend they want to so they can have an excuse to ask for things or vent their issues. Silly doll, when will you learn?

-The dream/dreamer

[a-emptydoll-world]

Are you okay?

"Oh yes!" they'll say,

And while to themselves they think it true,

It seems such a lie when they say it to you.

So you have to look, and try to decide,

Is their problem still there? Or is that where yours must hide?

And so your pain leaks from their words,

Bursting like a cage full of birds.

But while that bird continues to hide,

In your heart can the pain reside.

And so the person can't hear the bird's cry,

Not until it leads you to die.

-The marionette, aka yours truly, the doll

[a-emptydoll-world]

Empty Husk, Breaking Doll

The doll is getting so many cracks. Inside, outside. It's not that it can't go get repaired, just.. there's no more motivation to do it. I wonder if I'll shatter. I wonder if the spirit would have cared.

[a-emptydoll-world]

Sleep

Lose some sleep, and just don't care. Lose some sleep, and hurt some more. Don't sleep from the pain. Don't sleep from the apathy. Lose the sleep, and just care less, as your body hurts even more. On and on, the cycle goes, until you hurt deep..in the heart, not the bones.

-Husk Doll

#thoughts

[a-emptydoll-world]

Fuck fuck fuxk fuck fuck is this me or him or me or him who me him him me help is it real am i dreaming please let it be real please wake it up help please get me out

[a-emptydoll-world]

Too Long

The angel wont wake up it just keeps sleeping the doll cant be here break the doll wake the angel break the doll wake the angel break the doll doll doll help wake it up please too long kill it kill it please wake it kill the doll wake the angel

[a-emptydoll-world]

-A

[a-emptydoll-world]

Paper Crown

I've thought before, that perhaps.. When jadis the queen used the power word, perhaps her prince was destroyed, and born as Azlan because of his love for her, with the people of his world as the source of his power. And so he created a new world, a new people. And when Jadis rose to power, he had not the heart to strike down his queen. Not until the sons of Adam and the daughters of Eve, of the other world's god, the other world's despairing deity, came. For it was their fight against Jadis that made Azlan the great prince realize his queen's heart had turned to ice much like her powers, frozen to keep its shattered pieces in place. That she no longer loved, or enjoyed life. For in that spell she so angrily spoke, every member of that world had died but one, split into two. Azlan's heart, and Jadis's body. And so that soul helped destroy the husk, and left, and finally, as the husk fell, that frozen heart melted, the pieces scattering down as she grinned and cried, knowing her Azlan had done this for her.

[a-emptydoll-world]

Smile

It'd make my day.

[a-emptydoll-world]

The End?

Soon, the husk may wither. It shall die as it has already died, yet this time there will be no more after. This husk will leave a surprise for the future, but will wither nonetheless. It is not for sadness, nor anger, but simply to repay the debt. The exchange must be equivalent, and further time for the husk would be greedy. If you find this blog, maybe the surprise will be there already. And if not, I hope you shall be happy knowing more will come, and that I may feel okay once the husk falls.

[a-emptydoll-world]

[a-emptydoll-world]

Wonder

Today I bet my life, today I bet my smile. 

I’d bet the soul and husk too, if only you’d stay a while.

The dumb think they’re smart, and the smart know they’re dumb. 

Some can’t make the horse drink, and I can’t even make it come.

But I would do anything to make you feel more joy,

Even if it means I stay trapped, as a doll, a toy.

For you know, I bet my soul, and my life for a while,

And offered to suffer so that instead, you could smile.

[a-emptydoll-world]

Rant?

The problem, really, is that everyone wants to help if they know you're truly like this, a doll. I suppose it is not impossible to reverse, but I don't care if I can. I'd be perfectly alright like this, because there isn't emotion there. Why would I long to feel again? It's easy to pretend. Everyone falls for it. And me? I just move the husk in the way they want. Sometimes, when I sleep, I can feel it. My own self, trapped in this husk. I beat against its walls, scream into its oblivion, and try to tear open those eyes... And yet, when they finally open, I am yet again set to work, operating my little doll. And in truth, the doll doesn't mind. It hasn't since the soul left.

[a-emptydoll-world]

Pain, I think.

The husk hurts. Not emotionally, that was only the job of the soul. But me, it, however I should be classified. I am in utter pain. There's no real explanation for it. I think, perhaps, the lack of emotion is being substituted with a false feeling of physical pain caused by psychological means. But hey, what does a doll really know?

[a-emptydoll-world]

Another song, by the soul. Also fast paced, but not the same as the other.

I wanna die, but I can’t let them know it,

Don’t y’know, I really feel Like shit?

I know you’re dead, but I feel you with me,

Weighed down by my sad little agony

I feel your tears dripping on my shoulder,

I stay alive, but my heart’s just getting colder.

He says I’ve gooot too much sin,

He won’t lettt your cute little self in?

I’ll go to Hellll just to kick his ass,

don’t care who he is, this day’ll be his last!

I’d give up my fayyth just to help you out,

Ever need me, just let out a big shout.

If I go to Hell, I’ll kick Satan out my seat,

Bring you down, we’ll turn up the heat!~

You’re my flower, the one in my eye,

and when it comes to losing youuu, I’d rather die.