a-j-wenn

[a-j-wenn]

You are a poison

I return to each day

A prophecy I transcribe to every language known to man

to change the meaning

I avoid the truth of our entanglement

Like poison ivy to the skin

I wring my neck with your vines

Trying to fit in

To your life

Running backwards around the world to turn back time

And if I stop and take a moment to breathe

I hear the voice inside of me scream

I fucking hate you

And your bracelet of beads

Ceramic balls of each thing you stole from me

When will it be enough

When will my dreams finally make your golden cuff what you were looking for

What will be left of me

When you’ve stripped everything worth having down to my spine

And how foolish of me

To expect any loyalty

Or a modicum of accountability

When you’ve shown me who you are

Again and again

And I keep coming back

Just to get slapped

Like a masochist

Thirsty for attention

Or an afternoon tryst

Meetings in the park

Always hidden in your dark

I search for signs in the frequency of phone calls

Read hidden messages between blue bubbles

You’re were my best friend

Now you’re my greatest loss

And Events like these

Tend to bring me to my knees

Because it’s so glaringly obvious

To everyone but me

Exactly where I stand

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I named my rage

And coddled it

I fed it until it grew larger than me

Until I ripped apart at the seams

It inflated through me

Growing like a foam

It adhered to every wall in this home

I sealed my windows shut and locked the door

I faced her trembling frame

And I screamed till I couldn’t even whisper anymore

In my silence it all poured out

Anger, love, pain and expectation

With no where left to call home

I created all these hopes

And abandoned them alone

I followed Clem to the beach

And buried myself in sandy snow

How eternal can one girls pain be

Surely my Great Depression won’t go down in history

There will be no memorial for me

No statues frozen dancing from when you and I were we

I carved her name into the roots of a tree

Desperately praying she grows anywhere besides in me

A reprieve

Is all I ask for

On my knees I ask the sky please

Open up and swallow me

Don’t let this relentless sorrow be the epitaph of me

[a-j-wenn]

Guess I missed the context clues

Unconditional love

Really only meant

I’d love you no matter what condition you left me in

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I avoid showering

Not because I’m too depressed to care

Or too tired to lift my arms

But because being alone with myself for any length of time

Is unbearable

Because you haunt me

And when I can’t turn up the tv

Or lose myself in books or a phone

I can’t drown you out

Sometimes it’s our vows

Sometimes it’s you listing every reason you left me

Sometimes you point out everything about my naked body that repulsed you

Sometimes I watch you with her and hear you moaning her name

That is what’s unbearable

The space is just too cramped for us both

So I leave you in there

The place we shared our most intimate moments goes dry

And I suffer feeling gross in my skin

Because it’s so much better than the alternative

[a-j-wenn]

A wedding dress

Cold Misty breath

I’m engulfed in foam capped waves

Plugged into ice water

Lace and chiffon wrap around my head

I can’t see, I can’t breathe

I can’t even think

Where did my life line go?

My numbing hands move slow

Searching the water for your rope

Am I alone?

I gulp for air

But my chest constricts

My fingers are bleeding trying to rip off this corset

I can’t hear anything

I can’t fight

I can’t drown

The sun is gone

I can’t tell up from down

And there is no warmth to be found

Paper flowers float all around me

This would be beautiful if not so melancholy

Petals like confetti

Lost in the sand

I sink to the bottom

From the weight of the rock tied to my left hand

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You sank your hooks right through my back

And when you left you ripped out my spine

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I realized today that I stopped singing when you left

As if you reached down my throat and plucked that little bird right from my chest

And packed it next to your socks and my dignity

You left my rib cage empty

No whistles, no song

Just a hollow clanging of an empty perch against the bars where my lungs used to be

You took my ability to breathe

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You left the door open when you left

And the bitter draft has chilled my bones

I tried to close it every day since

But nothing works as it should now

And you took all your tools

Luckily I can wrap myself twice in blankets made for two

Luckily I can warm myself at the fire burned from pictures of you

I have counted all the times you’ve crossed my mind each day

Counted everytime my finger hovered over your name

Counted every freckle on your back from memory

Counted all my blessings because you were never very good to me

I’ve trained my ears to burn at the scratch in your voice

Trained my eyes to hate your smile

And learned how to expertly avoid your touch

No more accidental brushing of hands in the hallway

No more we in conversation

No more heart racing when you’re on your way over

Not on your way home, just over

I will use this sleet and snow blowing in from the cold

To scrub myself of you

[a-j-wenn]

Please don’t walk too fast

It’s only been a couple of years

But for me it’s been a lifetime

And I can’t keep up like I used to

But you see me

And you smile and slow your stride

I forget we’re going slower

And I’m just so happy to walk with you like we used to

A stranger asked you my age today

What did they see that I don’t?

You look the same to me

I’m not sure what they mean

And I know you’ll still walk me as long as you can

And even when I can’t I’ll still try my best

I’ll just be so happy to walk with you like we used to

I had to stop to lay down today

I hope you’re not frustrated with me

The sun feels so good warming my old bones

I was so tired but your smile and scratches helped me move

Even when it hurts and it’s scary

I’m just so happy to walk with you like I used to

You told that lady today this may be our last walk

You must be tired

That’s okay

We can lay at home

Cause I’m pretty tired too

And I’ll be so happy just to lay with you like we used to.

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I lay across from you

Your paw on my shoulder

And your snout against my nose

Watching your eyes close

You’re only falling asleep

But I’m hyper aware that this scene

Will some day repeat

And you won’t wake up that time

That the warmth I seek in the gruff of your neck

Will someday be cold and soaked in tears

And I pray that my face

Is the last thing you see

I beg to the heavens you’ll understand and forgive me

I run my fingers through your thick white fur

And know someday my fingers will only find empty air

And I wish you could understand me when I say

Thank you for the greatest life and for all of my best days

I hope you understand the depth of my love

Even when you can’t understand the language I speak

I feel your heart beat in rhythm with my own

And I know you’re so much more than a pet

You are the greatest peace of my soul

I know you are I are made of the same piece of the galaxy

And I know in every lifetime I will find you and I will love you completely

There will always be a hole at my side

When you’ve passed to the other side

Ill love you the rest of my life

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