a-shadows-embrace

[a-shadows-embrace]

I wish I was your favorite book. So you’d run your fingers down my spine, spread me open, read my lips. I laughed and told you I said “olive juice” when you asked me if I said I love you. Because those two phrases look the same when you mouth them with no sound. Read them again. You were right the first time. But I’m not your favorite book. I am just dust. Slipping through the hourglass that you call your hands. Still falling. Plummeting into a sea of sand that I call you. I want to ask why you haven’t closed your fists yet. Why you don’t want to hold on to me the same way that I hold on to you. Pack me in like clay. They say that grief is just love with no place to go, and that is why I’ve been crying. Unrequited love is like holding your breath without knowing. Like one day I just woke up and realized I was drowning in you. Me, drowning- yet you only wade in me and call it swimming. I know when I exhale, I will blow down the walls you have built around yourself. I don’t want to be the big bad wolf. I fear that you will mistake this passion for fangs. Take your little red hood off and look me in my eyes. Or maybe it’s just a red flag. And these rose colored glasses that I’ve been regarding you with are shattered now, and I’m finally seeing your true colors. You say that you love me, but it’s not quite the way that I need. And you fail to realize that you can’t just love something, you also have to take care of it. I burned myself trying to give you the sun. And the breadcrumbs you leave me are just salt in my wounds. And my heart is on fire. Give me your hand and I’ll light yours like a candle. And we can burn in this dumpster fire until something beautiful like a phoenix rises up out of it. You don’t have to be afraid. Don’t you see the soot dusted on my face? Smell the smoke on my breath? I have already walked through the fire trying to show you how much I love you. I plummeted through the ozone layer like an asteroid to get back to you this lifetime. And only you can stop this forest fire. I can teach you how to fall. If only you believed that I will catch you. I am choking on the ashes that have dusted my lungs. It has taken me so long to get tired because you’re my favorite book. I want to run my fingers down your spine, spread you like pages but you keep me shut out. I read your lips. Did you say, “I love you?”Or maybe just “olive juice.” I’ll read them again. I hope I got it right the first time. Because if you don’t loop your fingers through mine, I’m afraid I can’t keep going. I am slipping through the hourglass you call your hands. There’s not much more of me left to give you. Draw your fists tight or I will leave you in the dust.

-jamera naquai, Dust To Dust

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im lost again in reality ,

drunk on false dreams and mediocrity.

i naïvely think that im unique

and that the future isnt bleak.

but when i wake alone at night

i fall back asleep cause im just fine;

im waking up alone again

'i am fine', so i pretend.

'im just fine...'

'im just fine...'

'no, im just fine-',

claimed by a broken design

im lost again in reality,

drunk on false dreams and mediocrity.

maybe now you can tell

im so tired of being myself.

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6:31am

dreams lost at sea

chaotic visions

eyes stare straight forward

i'm removed from my body

incapable of connection

nothing ever changes

year after year,

this disease controls me.

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i'll never grow tired of watching the stars.

i wish i could be among them again.

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The Butcher

I am the butcher. I am brutal to you, but I behold a beauty that belongs to ugly eyes alone. Outcast. I knew a world as bare and crude as a chopping block, a heavy childhood seeping through brown paper. I know only a rhythm that is stark and cold– a heartbeat rhythm– the slow whack of a blade. 

I give the people what they ask for, meat, and they take it to feed their families. I give the people what they want, disgust, and it draws their bloodshot stares like buzzing flies.

Disgust is for that which is not known. It is not for the miserable moans of your mother, but for the world that lets her lie there in filthy sheets as they go on feeding pork to swine. Not disgust for her swollen head and peeling scalp, but for the moment she will cease to writhe on the bed. 

The dark-socketed eyes of the people I feed drink in disgust for me, for that which they do not know. They do not take me to feed their families, but glut their fill as they stand on the cobblestone, greedily spilling guts on the muddy snow outside my home. 

I was once a son like you, who stood out in the cold. Dear child, dear mother, dear masses: how can they turn their faces to the moon at night? What beauty do they see in solitude, when bellowing moans and sour stenches have not yet driven a numb stake between their eyes, have not left rhythms to rot in their mind, have not deadened their sight to ugliness?  

I am a butcher. Death has reached me before I have reached it, and my heart

Beats out

On a block.

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Alright, so tumblr staff is acting like as if we tumblr users have enough money to pay other tumblr users.

tumblr forgets that their user base is basically just a bunch of alley rats huddled around a slice of cheese

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Y'know what, fuck this bullshit. I need to know y'all are actually against it.

Reblog this if you will NOT use or support Post+.

I hope to make @staff see how that is total bullshit. Tumblr will die without writers/creators.

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tumblr tuesday: visions of space

52 years after two men called Neil and Edwin took a walk on the moon, MacKenzie Scott’s ex husband is not standing or sitting or swimming anywhere on this earth, but is instead hovering somewhere Above. For everyone else with your feet on the ground, here are some space-themed blogs to help you disappear into dreams of starry silence. 

@the-wolf-and-moon​​​ is a collection of art the universe makes behind the scenes while we’re all going about our dwindling days and tiny tasks. Here you can see the Cat’s Paw Nebula, otherwise known as NGC 6334. Birthplace of gigantic stars and cubic tons of trouble, probably, this finally proves who really runs all universes, known and unknown.

@startrekdesign​ grew from a personal quarantine project by a long-time Trekkie and new-time collector of design objects featured in the show. Think of it as home interiors, if ‘home’ were a big ol’ spacecraft fictitiously hurtling through time and space.

@mystarypi-astronomy​​ takes pictures of space! With a telescope! From the earth! And tells us what we’re looking at so that what at first glance looks like a black squiggle in golden glitter becomes the Snake Nebula, a whole world of knowable and unknowable worlds! Tttthhhpectacular! 

And lastly, @thevisualdon​​ is back with a spacey moment for our digital age, a neon-dreamed, glitter-pixelled nostalgia for obsolescent futures. Come on in. The sky’s the sea, and the water’s warm.

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Do you ever spend the whole night wondering which important task you should do ..

Only to do none of them??

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"It is laudable to seek the causes of phenomena, but we ought to know when we have succeeded in our search. Practically causes are known by every person, but speculatively by no one. To speak, to move, to sit, to stand, we can all preform unhesitatingly; but if we speculatively inquire into the cause of any of these operations, we confound ourselves with subtleties.

"If, however, we seek correctly, there is no more difficulty in discovering speculatively the cause of any phenomenon, than there is in exerting the cause practically. The speculative cause and the practical one must be identical. To assign a cause that refers to no phenomenon, divests the word of signification. It becomes vacated of sound, a cause minus a cause."

- Alexander Bryan Johnson -

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"Don't despair — there is no time to waste. The night is always darkest before the dawn; and time always seems to move faster when it's running out."

- [REDACTED]

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Missing Roads

I'll tell you a tale not often told amongst those of your kind;

A story so simple it seems to fade from everyone's mind.

It seems unimportant now, but one day I believe you shall see

Why this small message is so important to me.

Listen to me now and hold my words close:

The truest hearts are found on the missing roads.

[a-shadows-embrace]

Fall into my mattress endlessly

I need to run, just let me sleep

Then the nightmares come the feel so real

Seems the darkness weighs it down

The later on, the more it pounds

And in the morning I'll make cereal

- "I'll Make Cereal" by Cavetown

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Roses of Poison

Your love is my drug of choice and I’m addicted to the pain. You hold an intoxicating torture for my soul. I love the way you grow in me roses of poison — the toxins of my heart

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A Shadow on the Wall

A family sits at a table of four,

With many plates and bowls and drinks to pour.

They eat heartily and take their fill,

Though none yet notice the shadow still.

They stand by themself on the wall in the back

With a hole for a heart and a knife in their back.

The cuts on their arms and legs and chest

Are stories that tell they are not like the rest.

A bleeding wound keeps their head in check

As they remember the lies - the slit in their neck.

So they watch the family, happy and proud,

Wishing their love were only allowed

To slip by for just one moment

So they might reach out and touch it.

But good things as this will never be

For the shadow on the wall is still only me.

Still none have noticed the shadow on the wall,

And so I slip away to await death's call.

[a-shadows-embrace]

Let’s Talk About Dissociation

Dissociation is a defense mechanism used by the mind to protect oneself from a perceived threat. Witnessing or experiencing a traumatic incident or enduring chronic abuse may result in the development of this mental process. Dissociation is most often developed during one’s childhood, as children are more susceptible to imaginative thinking and escapism during times of stress. Once this method of detachment has been learned it can be difficult to rid oneself of it, thus leading to interference in one’s daily life even after they have escaped the abuse. 

Dissociation can be difficult to handle when you’re in a public setting such as work or school, or when you’re around friends and family who are unable to recognize the signs. It’s common to be stuck in an uncomfortable situation dissociating and not knowing what to do. It’s common to dissociate without knowing you’re dissociating. It’s common to feel overwhelmed or controlled by your dissociation.

This post is going to focus on the impact of dissociation in each area of one’s life and how to deal with it. Recognizing when you are dissociating and how you dissociate is a great first step to becoming more self-aware and gaining more control over your trauma.

Signs at school:

Repetitive memory lapses, including forgetting assignments or forgetting taught material. Based on the severity, you may only remember the basics of a subject, or you may have forgotten the basics (such as simple division or multiplication in math)

Feeling like other students are robots, or are not real, or are duplicates. This feeling may be more intense when walking in hallways between classes, or during recess or lunch

Feeling as though your desk or reading materials are twenty feet away despite them being inches from you

Staring at the clock yet being unable to read it

Poor grades caused by memory lapses, or poor grades caused by apathy resulting from a sense of derealization

Static in your vision when reading or feeling like your peripheral vision is closing in on you or darkening 

Teachers or classmates repeating questions to you multiple times because you did not hear them, not being receptive to interaction

Writing letters backwards without knowing, presenting disarrayed and odd essays

Staring at your assignment unblinkingly for minutes, acting as if you are frozen or in a catatonic haze

What can you do?

Use your five senses to connect with reality. Without being distracting to other students, fiddle with your eraser or pencil, or flip repetitively through the pages in your book. Do anything you can to feel physically present. If your teacher would allow you to, using a stress ball to squeeze may help tremendously 

Keep your eyes moving. By remaining active, you’ll reduce the amount of “spacing out” you experience. Repetitively blink your eyes and look around the room. Avoid staring at one spot for a prolonged period of time.

Use humor. Look at your teacher and imagine them wearing something funny or saying something ridiculous. Think of a joke you know that always makes you smile

Look for opportunities to become more engaged with your surroundings. If you’re having trouble reading, volunteer to read out loud if possible, as this may help you process the information better. If the teacher asks if anyone has a question, ask one to engage in conversation and distract yourself. This is a good way of interacting with someone without getting in trouble 

If you have to, dismiss yourself to the bathroom and splash some cold water in your face. This may help you come to your senses

If you know of any specific triggers at school, whether it be a person or a certain room, try to avoid being around them, or in that room. If there is no way of avoiding your triggers, mentally prepare yourself before facing the triggers and have a plan set up ahead of time for if you do begin dissociating

Signs at work:

A sudden decrease in performance for seemingly no reason

Repetitively messing up orders or misconstruing information given to you by a customer or client

Feeling as though you are staring right through a customer or client

Severe memory lapses, such as forgetting tasks you’ve practiced for months, forgetting the name of the business you work for, or forgetting your name when introducing yourself to a customer or client

Coworkers commenting on your behavior, possibly saying you’re acting cold, quiet, rude, or distant

Reacting intensely to any mistakes you make; alternatively, acting completely indifferent towards any mistakes you make

Getting lost in thought when coworkers are talking to you

Feeling compelled to act in a certain way, monitoring your every action, feeling as though you are pretending to be you

What can you do?

If possible, walk as much as you can to remain active. This will be much easier to achieve for people who do not have desk jobs. If you have a desk job, interact with items on your desk. If you’re allowed to, bring an item to work that’s interactive that you can adorn your desk with

If you have a desk job, tape a piece of paper to your desk or cabinets to remind you of what to do when you feel this way, or tape a joke or something lighthearted such as a kitten image

If you’re given breaks, take advantage of them. Eat something, splash cold water on your face, listen to music, or if you’re allowed to, drive to a nearby gas station or store to get out of the building and become more attuned to your surroundings. Being in an open area with fresh air may help

Create games to keep yourself focused on something other than your dissociation or trauma. Examples would be seeing how many customers you can make smile, or seeing how many customers you can get to order a specific item, or seeing if you can convince a coworker to buy you a coffee

Talk to your boss if needed. The way you approach the conversation should be based on their personality and level of knowledge regarding trauma or mental disorders. You may need to compile resources for them to read or retrieve some type of note from your therapist for them to read. Effective communication is a vital key to maintaining any relationship, whether it’s romantic, platonic, or purely business. 

Signs at home:

Identity confusion, such as acting in a fashion you or your family and friends would consider offensive

Out of body experiences, feeling as though you are watching yourself from above

Feeling as though you are in a movie

Friends or family members saying you have a “glazed” look, or that your eyes appear empty

Experiencing an inability to feel pain, developing a numbness to it

Objects around you appearing diminished in size or looking artificial

 Severe memory lapses, such as forgetting the name of your street, forgetting who your close friends are, or forgetting specific periods of your life

Not recognizing yourself in the mirror

Tunnel vision or blurry vision

A lack of belonging when out with family or friends

Being unable to account for things you’ve done, such as not remembering completing a purchase, not remembering writing a letter you’ve found, or finding unexplained clothes in your closet

Time loss, or feeling as though you’ve forgotten everything during a period of time, or feeling like you’ve blacked out

What can you do?

Count different colored things in the room. Three red things, five greens things, and so forth. Doing this is a good way to distract yourself and stay aware of your surroundings

Take a cool bath or shower

Hold ice cubes in your hand or put your hand in a bowl of ice cubes. This will wake you up and is a good way to avoid self-harming if you want to feel something

Engage in a productive hobby you enjoy, such as drawing, writing, or reading

Start cleaning

Instead of texting, try calling a friend. Hearing someone’s voice may help ground you

If you have a pet, interact with them. Let them crawl on you or sit on you. Play with them. Talk to them

Take a long whiff of a strong yet pleasant scent, such as a candle, flowers, or air freshener