abanddreamer

[abanddreamer]

Loneliness

It’s a feeling I’ve had fleeting moments of, but never as acute as it did today.

I first had this feeling during the first semester of my university days. I hadn’t joined the appropriate faculty orientation camp (by mistake), so going into school I knew no one, while others had already formed cliques.

There were about a hundred people majoring in the same course, so we had a large lecture hall. I would find an empty corner to sit, so I wouldn’t feel awkward getting in the way of large groups, and to avoid drawing attention to my loneliness.

It was tough. There wasn’t much help I could rely on. No one to discuss problems, clarify things. No plans after lessons, no shared lunches in the canteen. Whenever lecturers announced a group project or group discussions, panic seized me as I prayed for open invitations or maybe a stacker group.

Life was sparse, perhaps embarrassingly so: Come for lessons, find a quiet spot between intervals, head straight home after classes.

This week I had a learning camp of sorts. It wasn’t my first time attending, but everyone I knew from pass sessions weren’t present - I was the only one of my cohort that was present at the camp. Existing cliques had formed, with their own messaging helplines, inside jokes, and camaraderie. It was tough.

Perhaps it got to me because I knew what was the right thing to do - to socialise. But aversion to initiating contact, not knowing if they were in the same camp group as me, made me afraid. Knowingly not doing what I knew to be the right thing - it was shameful and embarrassing.

One solution is to accept that’s what I was, shy and withdrawn. But I knew that’s not entirely true - I open up to trusted people or during topics I really click with. I also knew that if I truly accepted being withdrawn, then there would be no room for growth, and I couldn’t accept that.

So I didn’t have the courage to initiate contact, didn’t want to give up entirely, and also knew I could possibly do either if I truly wanted to.

It’s complicated. The best I can do for myself right now, is to monologue about it. Monologuing isn’t something I’ve done in a long while, but at least I can afford myself this.

Once I definitively know which camp group I belong to (we will be assigned groups come early winter for a camp trip), I would definitely be able to initiate contact. Because I would know those are the guys I would interact with during the trip, and likewise they would know who I was and why they would have a need to interact with me.

For the meantime, I’ll tolerate. Wallowing in some resignation, some self-pity, yet trying to be oblivious and carefree about it.

[abanddreamer]

So Long, Evernote

Evernote (EN) was great.

I'd used it since 2010 when I was in University. A good friend recommended it to me.

At some point, I started paying for the service. It was about $3 a month, I think.

After half a decade, I took a hiatus to try out Google Keep. I survived for a year, because I initially didn't have much note taking requirements. But plain-text is messy. And my ideas and notes became more complex and needed some structure to sort it out.

So I went back to Evernote.

But recently there was a tremendous price hike. $10+ a month for US, Canadian, and European (western bloc) users!

If users from the English/Western market are the majority users and are frightened by the pricing, it is not good for the business.

I had to leave Evernote.

What are good choices? I offer you the following:

OneNote - free, traditional note taking app

UpNote - affordable app most similar to Evernote

NotesNook - affordable, privacy-focused app. But unstable and doesn't support checklists

AmpleNote - task / journal app that is v.responsive but doesn't support checklists

Craft - beautiful journal app

I had some additional requirements (which may not be applicable to you):

Web App

Offline Mode

Version History

Checklists which are not Tasks

So I narrowed it down to OneNote - which is my anchor app is everything goes wrong, and Craft - which is my aspirational app if everything goes right.

I'm still evaluating Craft!

[abanddreamer]

Notesnook: Why it's important to have local backups and cloud backups

Notesnook doesn't support cloud backups, and local backups have to be manually saved and kept safe.

Without it, your notes become prone to software bugs, data corruption, and ultimately, data loss.

As always, software maturity, data security, and good customer support are much more important factors. Don't listen to the hype pushed by startups in the note taking space.

[abanddreamer]

Learning ??? is so overwhelming?

I'm trying to learn the guitar, and also music in general.

But there's so much to learn, its overwhelming! I feel like I'm making no progress; I don't know how I can build a path to reach my goal; I don't know if my practice is useful or efficient or relevant.

However, I've thought things through now. I don't have to feel so depressed.

Firstly, I should just take it one step at a time. If there's guided lessons, then I'll just do what the tutor demands. If it's a trusted tutor, he must be speaking wisdom, and I must trust in him and the process.

Secondly, any practice - even if it's inefficient or not apparently relevant - is still practice! I will surely become better at whatever I'm practicing at. These little bits of mastery - accumulated over years and across different areas - will all contribute to opening new paths. Paths which I cannot begin to understand currently, but surely I will see a different perspective after years of practice! So just practice, and don't think too much.

Thirdly, isn't it great that Music is so vast? That makes it a wonderfully varied experience! That makes it a worthy challenge! And that means I'll always have something to learn as it is an eternal, never-ending learning journey!

So yea, I shouldn't think too much. There's no goal to meet, no finish line to cross. Just do it. Enjoy the ride.

[abanddreamer]

—

Drawing can be therapeutic if you do get “in the zone”. I did when I was drawing this piece.

But it’s hard to get in the zone. And time consuming. It’s just so much easier to play your favourite song on the guitar - 10 mins tops - and you’ll feel refreshed, energised, and relaxed already.

Ofc, recording and sharing is a much harder problem than art. There’s trade offs.

[abanddreamer]

Don't do something if you don't feel like it

I feel stressed today. Of late. Idk.

I think partly is I'm overwhelmed by things to do. Some of these things are related to my "identity" and activities I gotta do to maintain my "identity".

Like, if you're a Bleach fan, you owe it to yourself to watch the latest Bleach episodes after a 10-year hiatus, no?

No. I shouldn't have to watch it if I don't feel like watching it. I don't know myself why I wouldn't want to watch it. It's just a mood. I shouldn't have to explain to myself nor anyone why I don't feel like watching it.

Some other things that fall into the same category would be the unfinished movie The Accountant. Or Morfonica episodes. I guess I'm just not that entertained.

Except if that thing is useful in a societal, productivity way, then I should try to make myself watch it. That's the only exception.

As an aside, some other things that fall into the same category:

I shouldn't have to play Bandori daily if I'm not in the mood

I shouldn't have to play FIFA 23 just because I feel biased towards Arsenal FC

If I end up getting bored, then that's a good thing. Boredom means you have time to meditate, to rest, to figure out what you wanna do next.

Boredom is a sufferable state, so much so that doing some "meaningful work" is no longer such a hurdle. You might find it easier to do the thing you've always been procrastinating on, because it occupies your boredom.

Yep

[abanddreamer]

My Passion is Hurting My Work & Life

I am passionate about Software Development. But it's hurting my work and my life.

My passionate has made me eager to try out new technologies and build interesting systems. It's led to me to develop my career in Software Development.

But this passion is consuming me. I'm doing a lot of extra things at work. Things I thought were good to have, good to try, good to learn. These extra things are making me inefficient at work. It's making me work during my recreation time.

I feel tired. I can't do many things because my work is not finished. My passion is still driving me forward to do my work because it's interesting.

But I'm tired! This isn't my only passion! I have other passions (e.g. Music) that I want to pursue! I don't want to stagnate and get trapped in a never-ending list of work/passion!

I need to do something. But I don't know what.

[abanddreamer]

I do wish Tumblr had a musician/songwriting community

Wouldn't that be great? To share nice videos with each other.

But I guess that's kinda like Tik Tok then. Or like YouTube. Or like Twitter, Instagram.

[abanddreamer]

First Blog since 2019 and earlier

Wow a new Blog, a new Post!

I just thought journaling is a good way to make my thoughts coherent. All I've done the past 2 years was to jot To-Do Lists, and honestly, I don't think it's helped me define my self and look back at my journey.

But I have not looked back at my journey (i.e., past blogs) for the past 15 odd years, so... Lol! Ah well. It is for the introspective benefit of my short-term self in the immediate week/month.

A lot has certainly changed since then. New married life, new music hobbies, new game interests, new work pressures. I guess I'll be writing about that here!

PS: I still chose Tumblr instead of WordPress, Blogspot. Because Tumblr - I like this community's creative energy and passion. It has DeviantArt, Pixiv vibes! And I am an ex-dA community member.

PPS: I know the art isn't mine! But I forgot where I took it from - if anyone knows I'll insert the attribution link! I've already did a Google reverse image search but it didn't turn up any results. :(